Voice Male | Spring 2003

• A Different Kind of Regime Change

• Michael Kimmel on Privilege

• Men Depression

• AIDS, Blacks, and Discrimination

• The Leadership Myth

Moving Beyond Patriarchy

By Rob Okun

W:ith our world threa tened by leaders espousing dangerous, outmoded deas of masculinity, isn't it high tim e th e Surgeon General issued a warning that patriarchy is dangerous to the health and well-being of children, women , and men?

The millions of citizens who gathered in dozens of co untries around the world to say no to war in mid-February were repudiating more than just the politics of fe ar being articulated by the temporary resid ent of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave nue , Vkshington, D. C. They we re also asserting a res ounding "No!" to the old fl awe d ways of dealing with co nfli ct on the international stage: the muscl e- flexing associa ted with conventional masculinity

As a culture we are struggling for a vocab ulary to describe the shift this multigenerational , multicultural , multinati onal peace corps is expressing with irs fee t and its signs from New York to London , Rome to johannesburg, Sydney to Athens , Tokyo to Cairo and beyond . There is no support for·th e brazen criminal ac ts of Iraq 's Saddam Hu sse in among th e global antiwar move ment On the contrary, he is see n as a dangerou s part of the old patriarchal paradigm. Maintaining the pressure to co ntain and disarm Saddam can vigorously co ntinue without killing inn ocent people and destroying Iraq 's already decimated infras tru cture in the bargain

It is no longer trite to qu ote Bob Dylan's 40-year-old line "the times they are achanging " as a sign of the shift in consciousness being expressed by citizens on every continent. In fact, the politics of dominati on-as expressed by that patriarc hal paradigm-are being supplanted by th e politics of collaboration-as expresse d by an "evolving " masc ulinity, an evolution inspired by the ins ights of the women's movement ove r nearly those same 40 years

We have examples of the shift in heroleaders like Nelson Mandela, the South African sta tes man respected the world over. jailed for three decades for demanding an end to racial segrega tion in his native land , once h e was elected president Mr. Mandela hand- and heart-crafted a politics of compassion through a Truth and Reconciliation Commission crea ted to begi n healing the wounds of apartheid His decision to choose nonviolent dialogue ove r vengeful retribution points in a diplomatic direction that the United Nations as well as individual countries , es peci ally the United States, could emulate to build a bridge from the old world of fear and hate to a new one of trust and love.

Make no mistake No one is so na:ive as to sugges t th at cons tructing that bridge, and sa fely crossing it, will be easy; it won' t be. But the alternative-global conflagration-should motivate eve n the most cynical among us to se ri ously explore its durable manufacture As a model for leadership that sup ersedes old ideas of manh oo d , imagine if Nels on Mandela were leading th e United States right nowCo mbining humility and generosity with leaders hip absent of defensiveness , this

country might begin to realize its promise as a true demo cra cy

"Your old road is rapidly aging," Dylan wrote , "Please ge t out of th e new one if you can' t lend a hand " It is unlikely George Bush will follow that advice, resign and go into exile on his ranch in Texas Co nsequ entl y, it is up citizen-activists aro und the co untr y- and the world-to co ntinue to speak truth to power, developing a flu ency in the language of nonviolent change, a language where words like "patriarchy" and "domination" are describ ed , once an d for all, as obso lete in the newer dictionari es of th e 21st ce ntury.

This issue of Voice Male artic ulates a vision of "evolving" masculinity in several articles beginning with Michael Kimmel 's insightful examination of th e advantages that straight, white, middl e class males have in "With the Wind at My Bac k: Looking at Privilege " (page 8), an important co nsideration for anyone interested in creating an egali tarian society. Privilege is explored from another angle by Michael Greenebaum, who offers a thoughtful essay on who lea ds in "Leaders, Followers, and Heroes," a medi ta tion on exercising real vision , a commodity we nee d a lot of at this fragile moment in histo ry (page 10). The struggles and strategies for dealing with male depression are the subject of man aging editor Michael Burke's honest arti cle , "Crea ting a New Ufe : Men Overcoming Depression" (page 12) , and Dennis Bushey weighs in with a brave memoir, "Finding Acceptance as a Transge ndered Man" (page 14) . In th e first of two contributi ons Les Wright reviews a provoca tive book about the insights of the gay sensibility in The Soul Beneath th e Skin by David Nimmons (page 15) , and the trials and tribulations of being a young father form th e subject of Markjim erson's profile , ''A Teen Fath er's Adult Ufe" (page 16) Carl Erikson 's OutUn es co lumn celebrates openness in ''Affirmations of Pleas ure: Gay Men and Sex" (page 18) , while Vernon McClean offers a so bering look at ''A Hierarchy of Oppression? AIDS, Blacks and Dis crimination" in this issue 's Men &: Health column. In Notes from Survivors, Les Wright's second contribution , he offers helpful insights to allies in "What in th e World ls Going On? Insights for Nonsurvivors" (page 21) , and Russell reviews a new book about understanding ab usive men, Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft (page 22) To make this chorus of voices com plete , we need to hear from you! Please write us yo ur thoughts , comm ents and id eas. And please get out and enjoy the Sp ring.

Administrative Staff

Executive Oirsctor -Steven Botkin

Ass41ciats Oirsctor - Rob Okun

Oirsctor of Opsra tions- Cart Erikson

Osvsiopmsnt Coordinator - Spir/1 Joseph

Men Overcoming Violence

Oirsctor - Russell Bradbury-Carlin

Cllnit:lli Supsrvisor - Sara El inoff

Intake Coordinator/Court Liaison -Steve Trudel

Partner Ssrvit:Bs Coordinator - Ja n Eidelson

Franklin County Coordinator - Joy Kaubin

Hampden County Coordinator - Scott Girard

North Quabbin Community Educ11tor - Tom Sullivan

Administrative Coortlinator- Edgar Cancel

Group Leaders - Ja mes Arana, Eve Bogdanove, Russell Bradbury-Carlin, Karen Fogliatti, Scott Girard, Steve Jefferson. Joy Kaub in, Dot LaFratta, Gary Newcomb, Susan Omilian, Tom Sullivan, Steve Trudel

Immigrant and Refugee Program

Oirsctor - Juan Carlos Arean

Youth Programs

Coordinator - Jeff Harris

Group Leaders -Jam es Arana, Edgar Can cel, Ju lius Ford, Jeff Ha rris

Voice Male Magazine

Editor - Rob Okun

Managing Editor - Michael Burke

Senior Editor - Steven Botkin

OssignBr - Chandler & Co.

Copy Editor - Michael Dover

Support Programs

Oirsctor - Allan Arnaboldi

Support Group Facilitators -Allan Arnaboldi. Michael Burke, Andy Dennison, Jim Devlin, Michael Dover. Carl Erikson Jerry Garofa lo, Tim Go rdon , Ken Howard, Rick Kapler. Gabor Lukacs, Rick Martin , Bob Mazer. Peter McAvoy, Jim Nap olitan , Rob Parle/, Nelson Pin ette, Roger Stawasz, Tom Schuyt, Chris Shanahan , She ldon Snodgrass, Bob Sternberg. Patrick Tangredi, John H. Thomp son, Les Wright

Board of Directors

Chair - Peter Jessop

Vies Chair - Thorn Herman

Clsrk -Michael Dover

Tieasursr - Sudhakar Vamathevan

MsmbBrs -Charles Bodh( Jenny Daniell. Lisa Freitag -Keshet, Nancy Girard, Tom Gardn er. Jack Horno r. Yoko Kala, Bren da L6pez, Malhew Ouellet

Advisory Board

Michael Ba rdsley, Larry Beane. Dean Cycon, Ba iley Ja ckson, Luis Melendez, Matthew Morse. Cheryl R i vera, Elizabeth Scheibel, Felice Yeske/

Editor's Note

Opin ions exp ressed herein may not represent/he views of all stall, board, or members of the MR C. We welcome letters, articles, news items , article ideas. and events of interest. We encourage unsolicited manuscripts. bul canna/ be responsible tor their loss. Manuscripls will be returned and responded to rf accompanred by a stamped return en velope. Send to Voice Male. 236 No Pleasant St ., Amherst, MA 01002; voicemale@mensresourcecenter.org

Advertising

For rates and deadlines call Voice Male Advertising a/413-253-9881. Ext 20.

A. Different Kind of Regime ·change

By Steven Botkin

0nee again we are perched on the brink of the unkn own So much feels out of our control. So many decisions are being made that seem irrational and dangerous, bas ed on old strategies of retribution and revenge , fighting viol ence with violence , and seeking safety jn domination

The old model of male power through domination and viol ence seems to be in co mplete contro l. Bullying is once again being used in the name of'self-defense Selfrighteousness blinds us to our growing isolation as we use intimidation and domination to try to get our way. Lost in the depths of our own fea r, we are unable to see anything but a dangerous world which we must subdue at all costs.

So we beat th e drums of war. Because we feel an obligation to do something. Because we don' t believe in anything else. Because it makes us feel stronger and safer. Because anything else feels too scary and uncertain. Because it is what our fathers did

In the drumbeat of war we find a se du ctive co mfon and inspiration. On its rh ythms we are carried together into the fight against a comm on enemy It is so much eas ier to see the bullying in others.

What do we do when we see someone acting like a bu lly? In so many ways we have learned to keep silent about bullying On the stree t, in school, we learn ed that breaking the silence meant risking being the next target of the ab us e. In our homes we have learned that what happens behin d close d doors is nobody else 's business.

However, in recent years we have increasingly recognized bullying and family violence as serious social problems. As a society we are developing bullying prevention educatio n programs in schools and strategies .for intervening in famili es when individu als are at risk of being abu se d

But what do we do when it is the ru ler of a nation who is beiRg a bully? Who will provide a prevention or intervention program that is not simp ly trying to be a bigger bully, trying to fight violence with violence? The drumbeat of war tricks us into thinking we could win a "war" on terrorism.

And what do we do when it is we ourselves who are being th e bully7 From the insid e we are simply "having fun" or "protecting ourselves " or "doing it for your own good" or "e nacting justice." Those who suggest we are acting abusively are dismis se d as over-sensiti ve, na'ive, or subversive, and we beat ou r drums even louder in our selfrighteousness

But there is anoth er drum whose beat has been growing stron ger. It is deep and slow and steady. This is th e beat that guided Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luth er King Jr. The bea t rem inds us of th e power in our deep connectio n to everything and eve ryone The

beat reminds us that this power, this love force, is ou r true heritage and our inevitable destiny.

We are on the threshold of a regime change It is only our shonsightedness and narrow-m in dedness that makes it look as if this is simply about Saddam Hussein or a U.S. war against Iraq. Something much bigger is actually happening

Th e limitations of the old models of mas cu linity and power are beco ming painfully obvious. Everywhere a new global consciousness struggles to find its express ion in a way never before possible The old world ord er is becomi ng more obviously ineffective and counterproductive . Our biggest danger at this historical time is not from the bullying of Osa ma Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, or George W Bush . It is from our own tendency to get terrorized, leavin g us vulnerable to being seduced by the war drums or entranced in our furiou s effo rts to fight their beating

It is time to firmly align ourselves with th e other drumb eat. The beat that roots us in our tru e power-the puls e of life Rising up from th e ea rth , through the bodies and souls of the peopl e of the world We are beating th e drums of peace and faith, the drums of love and the drum.s of tru e j usti ce. This beat reminds us that some thing good is happening-even here, especially h ere-in this pla ce of grea t hun and tremend ous fear. This beat will never be silenced Can you hear it?

Inhuman Acts , Human Actors

Robert jensen's article , "Cha llenging Rape Culture," in the Winter issue of Voice Male, contributes to the discussion of how and why rape is "woven into the fabric of the culture," as he puts it. Yet I question his use of the word "inh uman" in describing people who have committed heinous acts The dictionary defines inhuman as "cruel, brutal," or simply, "not human " This last definition, I believe , steers us into dangerous waters.

Defining another pers on as "not human" has led-and continues to lead-to such destructive practices as slavery, ethnic cleansing, and capital punishment. But if some of us are human, and some of us are not. who gets to decide?

People who commit cruel and h orrifying acts must certainly be prevented by the community from continu ing in their destruction But we must not lo se sight of th e fact th at a healthy, balanced person does not rape, murder, or torture others At the root of each act of cruelty is the history of some other cruelty. It can all seem overwhelming, and can lead to our tendency to use shorthand·like "inhu man," or, as jensen also writes , "monsters ," to describe human beings I was raped when I was 15, and the resulting shame had a powerful impact on me. I blamed myself for years, because hadn't I, after all, agreed to go out with the young man7

He had seemed like such a ni ce person Wasn't I obvious ly jus t a poor judge of character7 Compounding my distress was the fact that the young man was a student from Iran. Since this violation occurred during the 1979-80 Iranian hostage crisis , it brought up fears that not only would I be publicly humiliated if I "told ," but it could s park a huge controversy in my hometown Flooded by confusion and guilt, I stuffed my fe elings down and went numb .

Was that young Iranian man less than human because he ignored my cries of "Please no! "? It took me years to answer that question : my answer is no I have come understand that he \Va5 a product of a culture, like my own, that has destructive attitudes about women, men , justice, and human rights.

He was someone from far away, someone I barely knew. What about closer to hom e7

Over the years , many of the men in my circle of friends and in my family have acted in ways that undercut the humanity of women. Sexist jokes and stupid remarks , yes; but worse, too What about the man who married a woman from Somalia who'd been genitally mutilated as a child ? On their wedding night, he followed "tradition " and used his penis as a sort of seam ripper, teari ng open where she'd been sewn up at the age of six. They spe nt the rest of their honeymoon in the ER after she nearly bled to death . I've kqown this man all my life Can it be true that he 's a "monster"?

Three men I know have hired prostitutes while traveling outside of the Unitl!d States, each believing that h e was '' the sweetest customer she'd eve r had. " I'm not refemng to beer-guzzling belchers here , but to men who consider themselves to be decem, compassionate guys . Yet their myopia about gender justice and human rights led to their wielding power and privilege as men-and as Americans-in ways that dehu manized others. So is the planet overrun with inhuman monsters? Or do we simply save those labels for the mos t bestial acts, committed by those we don't kn ow?

When we veer down the slippery slope of negating another's humanity-for whatever

Internal Mediation -Life Beyond Therapy

reason-we risk falling into the very trap that brings us such horror and disgust. Dehumanization of any s tripe can lead to desire for vengeance, lack of compassion, and more cruelty. Where does it end? Do we dare · examine the roots, not just of male violence, but of all violence?

We would do well to consider the bigger picture, es pecially as Americans and "First Worlders ." Our culture is based on and profits from empire-building and oppression Americans, on the whole, are fairly described as a people who consume and dominate far more than our share . Oil , cheap labor, convenient transportation , political clout, the stockpiling of weapons of mass destruction . . . don' t these just come with the territory?

How could rape not be woven into the fabric of such a culture , of any culture addic ted to domination and violent solutions? Inhuman monsters? I don' t believe so. Tw.ist ed by unh eale d wounds, perhaps, or maybe unbalance d by power and privilege. Yet who among us has clean hands? Rather than spend time deciding about who qualifies for humanness , we would do better to look · unflinchingly at the roots of all forms of violence in our society and our world and in every aspect of our lives.

Eveline MacDougall Greenfield, Mass .

Decoding Racism on TV

In the Winter 2001 Voice Male Steven Botkin discussed the Men's Resource Center's comm itment to addressing the issue of racism I have developed a workshop, 'Television and Ra ce : Role Socialization" examining the role television plays perpetra ting white supremacy. Among the subtleties it explores are names given African-American characters and decloaking and decoding the associated images and symbols The presentation is designed for ages 14 and up Mulazimuddin 5 Rasool Amherst , Mas s.

"Internal Mediation " is based on "The Work of Byron Katie" and Thom Herman is a certified Practitione r of the Work. Internal Mediation is a simple and radical process tl1at fundamental ly alters our re lationship to our thoughts.

Thom can be invited to present Internal Mediation to groups in aworkshop setting. When invited Thorn works by donation . He also works with clients individually through his psyc hotherapy practice in Northampton and MA.

For more information check out Thorn's web site at:

th e ph enomenon " ' 'r

het erosexualmale fa nrasy, to learn more, conta ct Media r::u'>J,l;<tuon

Where the Boys (and Gi rls) Are: In the Workplace

Firs t it was Take Ou r Daughters to WoFk Day. Now, th e boys are ge tti ng into the ac t.

Th e Ms Fo und ati on for Women, whic h crea ted th e original Take O ur Daugh ters to Work Day in 1993, has ann o unced the laun ch , 10 years later, of Take O ur Daugh ters and Sons to Work Day, whi ch will take place on April 24, 2003 . The organiza ti on s tresses th at this new moniker does no t jus t mean "take our chil d ren ." "We will incl ud e ac tivi ties to ens ure bo th gi rls and boys wi ll get th e mos t out of the day an.d to make the inclus ion of boys as meaningfu l as poss ible, no t j us t 'add boys and stir,"' exp lain s Marie C. Wilson , pres ide nt of the Ms Fo undati on

"We are making this change be cause revo lu tio n demand s evolu ti on ," said W ils on, addin g that the goal is "tha t girls and boys can learn to work toge th er to bri ng about a mo re equita ble wo rld-a t ho me, at schoo l, and in th e wo rkpl ace "

The original Take O ur Da ughters to Work Day began a nati onal co nversa ti on about gi rls and' 'boys, edu catio n , and th e working world , an d for the pas t decade has expa nded girls' und ers tanding of possibl e ca reer opportu nities ' and en couraged equ al opp ortunities for wo men in th e workplace "O ur nex t s tep, " said Wilson , "is to brin g th e boys to work alongside th e girls and ta ke on th e iss ues th at they \vill bo th co nfro nt in the wo rkpla ce. "

An d men , too , are getting invo lved , esp eciall y fath ers wh o see k more tim e at home with their children A rece nt nationa l survey found that 82 percent of men ages 21 to 39 ra ted "havi ng a work sche d ule whiC h all ows rh e to spend tim e wi th my family " as "very im po rtant." Yet 56 perce nt of Am eri cans s till beli eve it is more acce ptab le for men to pu t in ove rtime ar the office, even if it means being away fro m family.

In the past decad e, mo re than 71 milli on 1 Am eri cans have participated in Take O ur Daughters to Work Day, and the Ms Fou ndatio n hopes that incl udi ng so ns in the eq ua ti on recognizes th e cha nges and

Daug ht

on April 24 , 2003.

challenges s parke d by new tec hn ology, workplace issues, in creasing de mand s at wo rk , and changin g gender roles and family expectati ons For mo re informati on on th is progra m, check out www Daughtersan dSonstoWorkorg

Wigging Out Over Domestic Violence

Acc ordi ng to th e pub li ca ti on j ewis h Week, th e Kings Coun ty Dis tri ct Attorney 's office has fo un d a uniqu e way to work agains t domestic violence-th ey' re rec ruiti ng area shei tel machers (wig-m akers) to talk to their Orth odox j ewis h cli ents about abu se th at may be going on at home ln the wo rld of Broo klyn 's Orthodox neighbo rh oods, wh ere cus tomers visit sheitelm ac hers as oft en as eve ry otjl er week for a sham poo and styling of-t he wigs th ey wea r in obedi ence to religi ous laws of mod es ty for mani ed women , it 's oft en onl y this sp ecia l

type of hairdresse r wh o kn ows her clients ' secrets-s ec rets tha t may incl ude a hidden do mesti c life of abu se The program- the firs t of its kin d-aims to se ns irize th ese professional women to the is sue of domes tic vi olence in th e O rth odox world , to edu ca te th em about se rvices to which they can refer their clien ts, and to teach them no t to say "this d oes n' t happ en in our community, " acco rding to He nn a Whi te, jewish comm un ity lia ison for t he Brooklyn DA and creator of the program

'Tve bee n so bu sy with d omesti c vio lence calls ," says Whi te ''After the sheitelmac hers, next we 'll do the mikveh (ritu al ba th) lad ies , th e daycare workers and the nail salons ." The DA' s offi ce has alrea dy begun with th e mo re "top- down " approach of edu cating rab bis about dom es tic abuse In recent years, White says , as mo re Orthodox Jews have come to accep t tha t no t every "yeshiva boy" makes a good husba nd, and more wom en have ope ned up abo ut th eir ab use experiences , th e Orth odox comm uni ty has learn ed "how wid es pread th e pro bl em is .n "Hopefu lly, we' ll be able to encourage victims of do mes tic vi olence to co me forward ;" says Brooklyn DA Charl es ). H}-nes , who says he grew up in an abusive home him sel f and is co ncern ed abo ut hel ping both vic ti ms and ba rterers Th e program received a federa l grant th rough Projec t Eden , a co mmuni ty-base d initiative to ad d ress domes ti c vi olence in the Orth odox com muni ty

Men : Threadbare No Mo re?

The secret is ou t : Men love shoppmg fo r clothes. Tha t's the hope of Charles Th omas Enterp ris es, which is prese n ting "The Men's Clothing Event ," a firs t-ever me n's clothing sa le on May 3 1 in

(Continued on next page)

(continued from previous page)

No nhampton , Massachu se tts "The sale will feature quality brand-nam e men 's clothing, some new and some previously owned , all in excellent condition," organizer Cha rl es Thomas said The event will take plac e from 3 to 6 p.m. at Normal Hall , Laurel Park, Upper King Street, Nonhampton.

A portion of the profits from the sale will benefit the Men's Resource Center, and all clothing not sold or picked up afterward will be donated to local shelters. The benefit is supported by local clothiers] • Rich Clo thing for Men, Dorset, and Taylor Men

In addition to some stylish threads, there will beaD], snacks, interesting people, and, it 's expected , good conversations taking place over the bargains Men and wom en are welcome

Dropoff of co nsignment goods will take place Friday, May 30, from 1 p.m to 4 p.m Normal Hall , Laurel Park , Northampton . Pi ckup of uns old merchandis e not to be donated will immediately foll ow the sale (6 to 8 p.m .). For more info rm ati on, call (4I3) 587-0997

Two Jo in MRC Bo ard

Recently The MRC Board of Dire ctors welco med two new members, Charles Bodhi and lisa Freitag-Keshet , bo th res id ents of Amh erst , Mass. Charles is direc tor of employer relatio ns at the Regio nal Employment Board of Hamp den County in Springfield He has been involved in education and social services work since I964 Lisa is the jewish chaplain -at Mount Holyoke College in South Had ley, having recently moved here from a Charles Bodhi si milar position in lrhaca, N Y

"The MRC Board is an important part of our co ntinuing to make connections with divers e co mmunities, " said Steven Botkih, MRC executive director. "We're very pleased to have Charles and Lisa join in this effort Charles 's long experience with the co mmuniti es and businesses in Hampden Col]nty will be inva luable as we look to identify ways to Lisa Freitag-Keshet serve people in that area. lisa brings a second connection to the Five College community [board member Matt Ouellett is on the faculties of UMass and Smith College] as well as a link to area clergy and faith communities . We're honored to have- their en thusiasm and commitment available to the work of the MRC"

Ever ywoman's Center Offe rs Help Online

The Resource Referral program at Everywoman's Center (EWC) at the University of Massachu setts flagship campus in Amherst,

which hand les requests fo r information on eating disorders, volunteer opponunities, relationship violence, H!V and contraceptives, campus events , and more, is now available 24 hours a day. The comprehensive human service databas e of counseling, health and legal services , support group listings, vo lunteer opponunities, financial resources, etc , is online at wwwumass.edu/ewc/rr

lf you are unab le to find what you are looking for online, or prefer the assistance of trained staff members, the EWC is ope n Monday-Tuesday-Thursday-Friday 9 a.m.- 4 p.m. and Wednesday noon -4 p m Al l services and resources are av-ailable to anyone in English and Spanish and are confidential. Contact the EWC at (413) 545-0883

TIY/TDD , Wilder Hall , 221 Stockbridge Road, UMass, or www.umass .edu/e wc/ rr.

Ms. Foundation Honors Men Can Stop Rape

The Ms Fo undation for Wome n has chose n th e Washington, D C.-based men's organization Men Can Stop Rape as one of the recipients of the Foundation 's 2003 Gloria Awards Named after Gloria Steinem, the Gloria Awards were created 15 years ago as a way to bring national at ten tio n to grassroots leaders supporting women 's hea lth and empowerment

This year, to commemorate the Foundation's 30th Anniversary, the Gloria Awards will pay tribu te to pioneers who are

"ahead of their time." MCSR, in particu lar, is being honored "for redefin ing wha t it means to be a man, showing boys and yo un g men that strength does not equal vio lence."

Patrick Lemmon and jonathan Stillerman, MCSR's co-founders and co-directors, will receive the awa rd on the organization's behalf, along with William Powell, a 16-year-old member of Rea l Young Men, an advisory board for male youth that MCSR co -crea ted. (Pa trick Lemmon's article "Losing My Voice " appeared in the Fall 2001 issue of Voice Male .)

Other hono rees will include Melanie Herrera Bortz from COLOR in Denver; Maria Antonia Flores and Cyn th ia Arno ld from La Mujer Obrera and El Puente CDC in El Paso, Tex .; and the Young Woman of Vision , Lata ny.a

johnson of San Francisco

The benefit, hosted by Gloria Steinem herself, will be held on Thursday, May 15, 2003, at the Wlldorf-Astoria in New York City.

Beer Brawl: It's Not Miller Time

Degrading women to sell products reac hed a new low recen tly with Miller Brewing Co.'s "Catfighr" television commercial. The ad , which has drawn fire fro m feminists and th eir allies around the country, escalates from a poolside argument abo ut Miller lite "tasting great or being less filling" into an angry, clothes-shredding wrestling match betwee n two women who end up in only bras and panties . degrading, It's explicit. It has no real message except all men are idiots and all they think abou t are women and wrestling," says Laura Ries , who specializes in creating company images. The ad is aimed at 21-to-31year-old beer drinkers. Miller lite brand manager Tom Bick sough t to make ligh t of th e

ad, claiming most viewers see th e spo t fo r what it is , "a hys terical insight into guys' mentality. It's really a lightheaned spoof of guys' fantasies ." The ad, which ran frequently during the footba ll playoffs, has sparked a spate of pro test e-mails, but company spokesman Ron Acosta claimed that th e correspondence was evenly split. Wl nt to let Miller Brewing Company know how you feel about this affro nt to wome n? Oppo nents sugges t both boycotting their pro d ucts and letting them know you won 't tolerate ads like this in the furure.

You can co n tact Miller online at www. millertime.com; click on "Talk to Us."

Book Review

By Rus sel l Bradbury-Carlin

Why Does He Do That : Inside the Minds of Angry and Contro llin g Men

By Lundy Bancroft

G. P. Putnam's Sons, 2002 408 pages. Hardcover, 26 95

So .Why Does He Do That?

Every year l give numerous presentations on domestic violence and barterers' intervention as director of th e Men Overcoming Violence program (MOVE) at the Men's Reso urce Center of Western Massachuse tts lt is inevitable that l will be asked at some point, some variation on the question "Why does h e do that?" It is a difficult question to answer. ln

Lundy Bancroft's new book, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and 'Controlling Men , there is now a very good resource that has addressed · this qu estion and th at responds to the complex se t of factors associa ted with the answers . The book 's intend ed audience is

heterosexua l women in pote ntially abusive relationships However, it is written in such a straightforward and jargon-fre e manner that it cou ld be read by anyone-partner, fri end, family member-who has ever asked himself or herself the question asked in the tide

At the opening of th e book, Ban croft argues th e problem of abuse li es in th e way the abuser thinks . It is not an "a nger management" issue, nor th e result of his being abused as a child or of abusing drugs and alcohol. And it cenainly is not th e fault of the man 's partner. lt comes from "a dis torted sense of right and wrong ." Bancroft sets o ut to explain this assertion by breaking down the various myths that often shift the focus of blame for the abuse onto everything and everyo ne but the abuser. The introduction ends with a description of l 0 different types of abusers, which is a nice expansion on the now dated "Pit Bull and Cobra" th eory of barterer types that was popular several years ago-- the Pit Bu ll is the completely unsubtle attacke r who jus t lashes out; th e Cobra is ffi ore stea lthy and manipulative Bancroft, by co ntrast, has come up with some very acc urate portrayals of

"The Demand Man," "The Drill Sergeant ," 'The Player," and other abusive types

The book's middle sections desc rib e how an abusive man acts in relationship with his partner. Bancroft focuses particularly on what the beginning of the relationship might look like; what war.ning signs to look out for; why th e man may be a caring and loving partn er one ·day (Dr. jekyll) and Mr. Hyde the next ; what sex may lo ok like in an abusive relationship ; how addictions impact domesti c violen ce; and what to expect when an ab usive relat ions hip breaks up

There is also a substantial section addressing how an abuser might behave as a parent, how he may use friends and relatives to convince a woman that what she is experiencing is not real, and how the legal system can be blind to her being abused and even exacerbate the damage.

The bo ok's final section offers up an accurate assess ment of how a man might co me to be abusive. And while any book focusing on this aspect of abus e is going to be limited, Bancroft assens an abuser is made not born, and that the creation of his abuslve personality comes about via cu lture and example, usually from his family and then reinforced by friends

The chap ters on "The Process of Change" and "Creati ng an Abuse- Free Wo rld" were especially refreshing ln a field too often underlined by a belief that abusers (and at times , men in general) are incapable of change ,

(Continued on page 22)

With the Wind at My Back

Looking at (White, Male , Straight, --......· Midd le -Class) Privijege

By Michael Kimmel

To run or walk into a strong headwind is to understand th e power of nature

You set your jaw in a squared grimace, your eyes are slits against the wind, and you breathe with a fierce determination And still you make so little progress. To walk or run with that same wind at your back is to float , to sail effortlessly, expending virtually no energy. You do not feel the wind ; it feels you. You do not feel how it pushes you along ; you feel only the effortlessness of your movements You feel like you could go on forever Only when you tum around and fuce that wind do you realize its strength.

Being white, or male, or heterosexual in this culture is like running with the wind at your back It feels like just plain running, and we rarely if ever get a chance to sec how we are sustained, supported, and even propelled by that wind. Looking at privilege is to make the wind visible.

When I present majority students with evidence of systematic discrimination , they often seem indifferent, and sometimes even defensive and resistant. "What does this have to do with me?" they ask The more defensive of them immediately mention several fucts that, they believe, will absolve them of inclusion into the superordinate category "My family never owned slaves," "I have a gay friend," "I never raped anyone" are fairly typical responses. Vmually all say racism is a problem of individual attitudes and prejudiced peopl e, not a social problem.

Such statements are as revealing as they are irrelevant They tell us far more about the way we tend to individualize and personalize processes that are social and structuraL And they also tell us that members of the majority resist discussions of inequality because it will require that they feel guilty for crimes someone else committed.

Even those students who are willing to engage with these questions also tend to personalize and individualize them. They may grudgingly grant the systematic nature of inequality, but to them, racism, sexism , and heterosexism are bad attitudes held by bad people. They are eager to help those bad people see the error of their ways and change their attitudes to good attitudes. This usually will come about through better education. We who are white, heterosexual, male, and/or · middle class need to go further; we need to see how we are stakeqolders in the understanding of structural inequality, how the dynamics that create inequality for some also benefit others. Privilege needs to be made visible. Researchers in a variety of disciplines are examining that which previously passed as invisible, neutral and universal. We now can see how the experience of "privilege" also shapes the lives of men, white people, and heterosexuals. To be white, or straight, or male , or middle class is to be simultaneously ubiquitous and invisible. You're everywhere you look, you're the standard against which everyone else is measured. You're like water, like air.

People will tell you they went to see a "woman doctor," or they will say they went to see "the doctor." People will tell you they have a "gay colleague" or they 'll tell you about a "colleague." A white person will be happy to tell you about a ." black friend ," but when that same person simply mentions a "friend ," everyone will assume the person is white. This invisibility is politicaL This was first made visible to me in the early 1980s, when I participated in a small discussion group on feminism. In one meeting, in a discussion -

between two women, I first confronted this invisibility. A white woman and a black woman were discussing whether all women were, by definition, "sisters ," because they all had essentially the same experiences and because -all women faced a common oppression by men. The white woman asserted that the fuct that they were both women bonded them, in spite of racial differences. The black woman disagreed.

"When you wake tip in the morning and look in the mirror, what do you see?" she asked.

"I see a woman," replied the white woman 'That's precisely the problem," responded the black woman. "I see a black woman. To me, race is visible every day, because race is how I am not privileged in our culture Race is invisible to you, because it's how you are privileged. It's why there will always be differences in our experience. "

As I witnessed this exchange, I was startled, and groaned-more audibly, perhaps, than I had intended. As I was the only man in the room, someone asked what my response had meant "Well," I said, "when I look in the mirror, I see a human being. I'm universally generalizable. As a middle-class white man, I have no -class, no race, and no gender. I'm the generic person!"

Sometimes, I like to think it was on that day I became a middle-class white man. Sure, I had been all those before, but they had not meant much to me. Since then, I've begun to understand that race, class, and gender didn't refer only to other people, who were marginalized by race, class , or gender privilege. Those terms also described me . I enjoyed the privilege of invisibility. The very processes that confer privilege on one group and not another are often invisible to those on whom privilege is conferred. What makes us marginal or powerless are the processes we see, partly because others keep . reminding us of them.

Invisibility is a privilege in a double sense_:_ describing both the power relations that are kept in place by the very dynamics of invisibility, and in the sense of privilege as luxury It is a luxury that only white people have in our society not to think about race every minute of their lives. It is a luxury that

only men have in our sociery w pretend that gender does not matter.

There are consequences w this invisibiliry: privilege , as well as gender, remains invisible. And it's hard w gener.ate a politics of inclusion from invisibiliry The invisibiliry of privilege means that many men, like many white people , become defensive and angry when confronted with the statistical realities or the human consequences of r.acism or sexism . Since our privilege is invisible, we may become defensive Hey, we may even feel like victims our.selves

I was reminded of this when I appeared on a TV talk show opposite three "angry white males ," men who felt that they had been the victims of workplace discrimination. The show's title was "A Bla ck Woman Took My job. " In my comments, l invited these men w consider what the word "my " meant in that tide, that they felt that the jobs were originally "their.s," that th ey were entitled to them , and that when some "other" per.son-black, female-got the job, that per.son was really raking "their" job But by what right is that his job? By convention, a hiswrical legacy of discrimination We've needed decades of affirmative action to even begin making the playing field slightly closer to level.

Our task is to begin to make visible the privilege that accompanies and co nceals that invisibiliry.

One way to understand how privilege works-and how it is kept invisible-is to look at the way we think about inequaliry. We always think about inequaliry from the perspective of the one who is hun by the inequaliry, not the one who is helped Take , for example , wage inequaliry based on gender We're used to hearing that women make about 71 cents for every dollar made by a man. In that statistic women's wages are calculated as a function of men's wages; men's wages are the standard (the $1) against which women's wages are calculated. In this way, the discrimination agains t women is visible-doing the same job, they earn less , just because they are women.

But what if we changed the statistics? What if we expressed men's wages as a function of women's wages? What.if we said that for every dollar earned by a woman , men make $1.34? Then it wouldn't be th e discrimination that was visible-it wou ld be th e privilege just for being a male, a male worker received an additional34 cents. This is what sociol ogist R. W Connell calls the "masculiniry dividend"-the unearned benefits that accrue to men , just for being men Making gender, r.ace , class, sexualiry visible-both as the foundations of individual identiry and as th e social dynamics of inequaliry-is a difficult thing to do, and there's no question but that it will make us feel uncomfonable. It 's unpleasant to acknowledge that all the good things th at have happened to ·

you are the result of your hard work and talent and motivation but the result of something that you had no power over. Sometimes it will make us feel guilry, other times defensive . Sometimes we just feel powerless . "What can I possibly dq to change this massive system of jnequaliry? "

In a culture such as our.s, all problems are thought to be individual problems , based on bad attirudes , wrong choices, or our own frailties and addictions. When confronted with soucrur.al or social problems, we think either the solutions are aggregated individual solutions--everyone needs to change their attirudesor that the so lutions don't exist. A lone individual has no chance to change the system; we fe el powerless , impotent We can beco me mired in guilt. Some people argue that guilt is a negative emotion , and that we shouldn't have to feel guilry for the things that happened generationseven cenruries--&go . Occasionally, someone is moved by that guilt to attempt to renounce his or her privilege Books counsel us to become "race tmitor.s, " or to "refuse" to be a man

And sometimes such a posture feels moral and selfrighteous Guilt isn' t always a "bad" emotion after all. How would you feel about a German saying he or she really doesn't want to feel guilry about the Holocaust? '1\fter all, I per.sonally never sent a jew to the gas chamber.s." Or a white South African who proclaimed that he or she never actually benefited from apanheid, since they got their job and their wealth by vinue of their hard wo rk and determination?

Guilt may be appropriate, even a necessary feeling-for a while It does not freeze us in abjection, but can motivate us to tr.ansform the circumstances that made us feel guilry in the fir.st place , to make connections between our experiences and other.s' and to become and remain accountable to the struggles for equaliry and justice around the world. Guilt can politicize us. (Perhaps that's one reason why we often resist it.)

While noble in intention, however, this posrure of guilry self-negation cannot be our final destination as we come to under.srand how we are privileged by mce , class, gender and sexualiry. Refusing to be men, white, or srraight does neither the privileged nor the unprivileged much good. One can no more renounce privilege than one can stop breathing. It 's in the air we breathe.

And it 's embedded in the social architecrure · surrounding us Renouncing privilege ultimately substirutes an individual solution for a strucrur.al and social problem Inequaliry is smucruml and systematic, as well as individual and attirudinal. Eliminating inequalities involves more than changing everyone's

attirudes. Trying to rid oneself of bad attirudes, renoun cing one 's unearn ed privilege also, finally, brings us no funher than the feelings of imp o tent despair that we often feel in th e. fuce of such overwhelming systemic problems. We feel lonely. We feel isolated from our friends, our families , o r our co lleagues.

The snuggles against inequaliry are, however, co llective struggles, enormous social movements that unite people across geogr.aphy, r.ace, re ligion, class, sexualiry and gender. Panicipating in th ese srruggles to end inequaliry brings one into a long history of those who have stood alongside the victims of oppression, th ose who have added their voices to the voices of those who had been earlier silenced. Examining our privil ege may be uncomfonable at fir.st, but it can also be energizing, motivating, and engaging.

Ultimately, examining those arenas where we are privileged and those where we're not will enabl e us to under.srand our sociery more fully, and engage us in the long historical process of change.

Michael S. Kim mel is a sociologist and author who has received international recognition for his work on men and masculinity His books on masculinity include Changing Men : New Direc tions in Research on Men; Masculiniry; Men Confront Po rnogmphy; Against the Tide : Pro -Feminis t Men in th e United States 1776-1990 ; Manhood in America: A Culrur.al History; Th e Politics of Manhood; and The Gendered Sociery. This article was excerpted and adapt ed from his newest book, Privilege, which he coedited wi!h Abby Ferber; just published by We stview Press.

CHARLES THOMAS ENTERPRISES Presents : 1"

Quality brand name men's clothing. Some owned and some new. All Items In excellent condlt;,yon.On consignment.

Saturday, May 31 st t:::!J . · from 3:00 P.M until 6:00P.M · at Normal Hall at Laurel Park,'V Upper King Street, Northampton.

A ·portion of the profits from the sole will go to benefit THE MENS RESOURCE CENTER OF WESTERN MASS!

Supported by our fine local clothiers: J • Rich Clothing For Men, Dorset and Taylo r Men Drop off of Consignment goods: Frid ay, May 30th from 1PM-4PM. Pick up of unsold merchandise that is not to be donated Saturday, May 31st - 6- 8 P.M Clothing will either be sold or donated to local shelters!

OJ • Snacks • Interesting People Men and Women welcomel For more Information coll413-587-{)997

Beyond Blind Allegiance Leaders, Followers, and Heroes

By Michael Greenebaum

.

Sorne ideas whose time has gone linger on to cause mischief in our lives. Such a one is "leadership." It not only lingers, it thrives. Schools of management and education vie in their brochures to see who can most confidently claim to prepare the best leaders. Publishers and consultants know a good thing when they see it (or at least they know a good name for whatever the thing may be). Rudy Giuliani's book of bromides (called Leadership, of course) tops the best-seller list, and a search under the keyword "leadership" on Arnazon.com yields 12,588 titles . Leadership is proclaimed and explained, touted and exhoned. We can read about the traits of a leader, the habits of a leacder, the lessons that leaders have learned , the leadership studies that professors teach I should know; I taught Leadership last semester. Even on my syllabus I warned students that it was a "squishy " concept. Now, though , I think it is worse than that. The very idea of leadership carries with it a whole bunch of worrisome assumptions . What we do to leaders is even worse than what they do to us We build up expectations and become cynical when leaders fall shon of them, which they so often do The move from hero to scapegoat-is shon and fast for many leaders. I am not pointing to the egregious and well-publicized misdeeds of business, educationa l, and religious leaders. I am not talking about wrongdoing or bad leadership. It is the idea of leadership itself that is the problem.

Leadership is a highly gendered idea . It is difficult to disengage the idea from a set of characteristics that are stereotypically masculine. One popular college text (Peter G. Nonhouse 's 2001 book, Leadership: Theory and Practice) pares down a list of leadership traits to these five: intelligence, self-confidence, determination, integrity, and sociability. This list is remarkable for what it doesn't containcompassion, for example, or sensitivity or intuition. But I think the gendered imphcations of leadership extend far beyond such a list of traits. Leadership drags along the idea of followership. Nobody talks about it, no business or education schools boast of training good followers. And yet leaders cannot be disentangled from followers We look to men for leadership because in a cmwoluted but imponam way, men look to the leader-follower relationship in ways that

women do not. It is not that men make panicularly good leaders (by and large they do not); it is that the whole notion of leadership seems irnponant to men and meets a need for men that most women do not share. The need to lead and the need to be led are two sides of the same masculine coin.

Some feminist commentators have attempted to separate from the leader-follower relationship by claiming that leadership is a collaborative or team enterprise. They stress the sharing of leadership among the members of the team, the desire _ for consensus in decision-making , the need for team members to suppon and nourish one another. The literature about team leadership is written almost entirely by women. ln the popular college text I referred to above, th& male author hands the chapter on team leadership over to a woman That 's nice, but men are usually not good collaborators; we seem to be wired to be either leaders or followers. I see it in myself. My love of teaching has, as one component, a need for leading. Over the years my teaching style has followed a trajectory Rosa Parks toward greater collaboration, but I recognize the tug-of-war (an interesting metaphor) between my desire to collaborate and my need to lead. I suspect many men recognize it.

We look up to our leaders ; that sense of venicality infects all of our thinking about relationships in our organizations. Our idealization of leadership seems to suggest that we yearn to be led, to be motivated, to be inspired And so we have workshops and retreats that teach people to lead, to motivate, and to inspire If we want to be inspired by our leaders, the thinking must go, we should teach our leaders how to inspire. If leadership is mostly influencing people-as studies suggestthen we had better understand how influence works.

And that's the problem. Influen ce and inspiration have become so entangled in

looking up to leaders-in the venicality of the leader-follower relationship---that we neglect to look sideways or downward, where influence and inspiration are just as likely (more likely, perhaps) to be found. Ipsofar as our leaders inspire and influence us, they are just one amo ng many sources that do so. The panicular expectation that leaders inspire us is a bit like the expectation that comedians amuse us; the expectation itself serves as a damper upon the likelihood that it will happen -

But the leaders we look up to are als'o our scapegoats. Those whom we invest with authority are not permitted to fail. The implicit demand, "Inspire us!" carries with it the risk of failure, indeed the likelihood of failure Inspiration is a kind of gemlike flame; its brighmess is less compelling as we become more accustomed to it. Inspiring messages become banal pretty quickly.

The risks of leadership have ratcheted up just as the rewards have. Indeed, the problem is not with those who have abused leadership in ways that the news has reponed in fields of business, religion, and politics. Rather, the problem lies with the needs that leaders soon develop, the need to be followed and to be admired. Leaders · come to depend upon their followers in ways that are not healthy for either. For many leaders, · the need to be admired interferes with the capacity to love and be loved

The relationship of admiration and respect is a distancing one; many in positions of authority use it as a surrogate for intimacy. They may also use it to avoid the risks that courage and independence might entail. For many successful leaders (as well as many unsuccessful ones), this leads to a collusive relationship with followers. "I will pretend to lead you, and you will pretend to be led, but we both know that you, the followers, are really leading me. I will do only

Martin Luther King, Jr.

what I know you will admire. I will follow your values, your preferences, your tas tes." The symbols of leaders hip ove rwhelm the substance of leading.

This all may sound like a scenario from Greek tragedy or Shakespeare, but in fact the notion of leadership is mod em and developed in democracie s, which ha ve no traditions of aristocracy or monarc h y. I had three students from Russia in my class, and th ey were alternately amused and appalled at the emphasis upon lead ership in America. Socialist ideology repla ces it with comradeship Perhaps both leadership and comradeship are useful fictions for disguising the power and control implicit in vertical relationships. Two opposing theories of classlessness find ideas to replace wealth and privilege.

Communist soc ieties h ad another way of making an end run around leadership They developed the idea of "hero ," someone wonhy of admiration, not subservience Democratic societies , too, have developed a folklore of heroism Uke Paul Bunyan and john Henry and j ohn Brown , our heroes are larger than life They embody the qualities we admire in our cu lture, even as th ey are often loners and misfits.

I would like to ·take the idea of heroism serious ly" as an alternative to leadership The Danish philosoph er S0ren Kierkegaard asserted, in Fear and Trembling , th at the poet can love, admire, and rejoice in the hero, because the hero represents his own better nature. I am no poet , but I resona te to this idea I am thrill ed when I can admire , love , and rejoice in those whose courage and compassion are greater than mine. Having hero es gives my life meaning because they encourage me to be better than I am. I am eager to be inspired and influenced , but not le d The game I want to play is not "Follow the Leader" but "Admire the Hero ."

Hero es tend to be p eople who are neither. leaders n or followers. They hear their own conscience and follow its dictates, whatever the cost. They are often protesters. If, like Martin Ll.lther King,Jr. , they are thrust into the lim eligh t, it is because of the risks, th e dangers, the indignities that th ey re fused to bow down to Not all of my heroes are as eloqu ent as Dr King I think immediately of Rosa Parks and then my thoughts tum to countl ess numbers of African-American women who achi eve anonymous dignity by listening to their inner voices, ca ring for their families under often impossible and bonewearying conditions. They are inner-directed, quiet and determined. Women hold families together, raise children, and every day make countless decisions and choices that are difficult and often self-denying For decades, TV sitcoms have acknowledged this by ponraying smarr women and inept m e n Perhaps men should stan paying cl ose r

attention and notice who are the real h eroes in our lives.

The cult of lead ership h as been unfair to men, and also to women who aspire to positions of a"uthority in organizations It transforms taking responsibility into being accountable, replaces th e center with the bottom line, seeks power instead of collaboration, disguises the self with the face (and often, imperceptibly, with the mask) Can we do without it7 Can we have leaders without leadership ?

This question has acquired a terrible urgency as I write at the end of]anuary 2003, and the threa t of war looms large. I have an awful feeling that if, as you read this , we are at war, it will be a confirmation of a cult of lead ership that sees America's place in the world based upon power rather than admiration. And the words of Thucydides , two and a half millennia ago, haunt me : 'The strong do what they can and the weak suffer what they must."

Democratic Athens, we all recall, was the great imperialist superpower of the Hellenic world The Athenians explained to the island of Melos th at if they a.llowed it to remain neutral , Athe ns would lose face among its allies and other subJects. Losing face is apparently a bad thing; power must be us ed

The Melians offered neutrality, the Athenians required submission Melos resisted, and Athens, in the stark words of Thucydides, "put to death all the grown me n whom th ey took, and sold the women and children for slaves, and subsequently sent our five hundred colonists and settled the place themselves. "

What happens to bullies7 Ask any schoolchild. Bullies have their own way They cultivate a phalanx of sycophants an d toadies. Th ey fight , taunt, j ee r. Th ey IT)ake the rule s. In the shon r.un they seem to have everything their own way But in the long run7 What happ ened to Athens7 A disastrous overextended expedition to Sicily left her defeated, exhausted and expose d; she easily succumbed to a Spartan blockade. Forced to free her colonies and clients , Athens be came a subject state herself.

Thucydides believed that history repeats itself, and right now th e evidence seems to suppon him The strong do what they can, but if they really and truly believe that their strength comes from s trength of character and their character is built up on a profound respect for the rule of law, the weak will not have to suffer as much as they do. Leaders come and go, do their damage and dis appear from our collective memory

It is time for our leaders to become heroes .

Michael Greenebaum, a writer and musician , was an elementary school principal in Amherst, Mass. for 20 years He was one of the original volunteer facilitators for the Men 's Resource Center's GBQ support group.

Looking to Connect?

Try the MRC's Drop-In MEN'S SUPPORT GROUPS

IN NORTHAMPTON

Open to all men. Tuesdays, 6:45-8:45 PM Council on Aging, 240 Main St.

IN AMHERST

Open to all men. Sundays, 7-9 PM, at the MRC

IN GREENFIELD

Open to all men. Wednesdays, 7-9 PM Network Chiropractic, DHJones Bldg, Mohawk Trail

FOR GAY. BISEXUAL. AND QUESTIONING MEN

.

· Open to gay, bisexual, · gay-identified F-to-M trans men, & men questioning orientation Mondays, 7-9 PM, at the MRC

FOR MEN WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED CHILDHOOD NEGLECT AND/OR ABUSE

Open to men who have experienced any form ·of childhood neglect and/or abuse (physical, emotional, or sexual) Fridays, PM, at the MRC

"It's

a Beautiful Day, and We Have Our Lives"

'frican Nnericans called it "the blues." Winston Churchill referred to it as "Black Dog." One man I know described it as "walking through a black cloud, like a dream in which I could not speak." For me depression has always felt like various shades of gray: an opaque filter placed between me and the world, blotting out its vibrant colors

Whether blue or black or gray, depression can be debilitating. It robs us of energy and for life It takes away appetite, sleep , sex drive, decisiveness, and the will fo get up in the morning. It can lead to thoughts of suicide, feelings of wonhle5sness and self-loathing, and a sense of hopelessness : "Things are always going to be bleak. It's never going to get any better."

How do I know? Because I've felt itall of the above and more . I've talked and corresponded with a number of other men who've snuggled with depression, and as a men's suppon-group facilitator I've seen many men who are depressed Some of them know it ; many of them don't. But by now I recognize some of the signs : lack of affect and monotonous speech delivery; slouching in the chair or covering the face with the hands; lack of engagement with what's happening in the group; shan, urkommunicative responses to expressions of concern : "Oh, it's all right, I guess . .. " "Not much is going on , really ... "

Men who are depressed also may act it out in socially inappropriate and desnuctive ways, as therapist and ·author Terrence Real points out. They may be drinking, using drugs, being violent, having affuirs, or acting recklessly, dL<;charging their anger or neediness on others They may not be seen as "men who are depressed, " bur rather as alcoholics, abusers, controllers, womanizers, boys who never grew up. Yet their actions , Real maintains, are essentially defenses agaiilst depression. (His 1997 book about male depression, I Don't Want to Talk About It, is considered a classic in the field.)

Depressed men's desnuctive behaviors may cause them to be fired or incarcerated, injured or killed, served with a order, ostracized or isolated. If we as men don't seek help ourselves , we may be called on our actions- if we're lucky-by someone who cares enough to push us to get help , at least with the symptoms. We may be dragged into a therapist's office by our spouse or panner or other family member-someone who loves us but who has had it with our behavior and has given us the ultimatum: "Come to counseling or it 's over."

When we're depressed, it has. an effect on those around us More specifically, according to Michael D. Yapko, clinical psychologist, family therapist, and author of Hand-Me-Down Blues, those of us who are fathers may be passing along our depression to our children, and possibly their children-not so much genetically, but because we are modeling depressed behavior . Depression is the face we show the world , so depression is what our

children see every day when they see "Dad." 'f\11 behavior has message value," writes Yapko, and our children hear us loud and clear. As they grow older they may internalize the depressive mode, learning lessons we didn't intend to teach.

Depression distons the outlook, coloring our thoughts and interactions with pessimism and selfdoubt. We see the cloud behind every silver lining; we immediately jump to put a negative spin on events; we blame ourselves first when things go wrong; and we look at any potential change in our lives with an eye toward the worst possible outcome What's more , we believe we'll always feel this way, that there's no hope ofbetter times

Recent srudies have shown that depressed people are more "realistic" tha11 nondepressed people Pessimists-! reluctantly include myself-take a dim view of life, as a protection against the wounds it can inflict. We may even pride ourselves on our hardheadedness--yet thL' "realism " doesn't improve our mood, doesn't lead us to contentment.

Optimistic people are happier. Optimists greet the day with hope-like a friend of mine who met me one morning with a sunny smile and "Well, it's a beautiful day, and we have our lives " To which I thought, What kind of poppsych bulLshit is that?

But you know-he's right. Much as it pains a dyed-in-the-black-wool pessimist to admit, my friend's mantra is a huge improvement over the one that's often come up for me first thing in the morning: "I wonder how I'll get through today " And one of the things I've starred to learn, slowly and painfully over the last few years , is that we may not always have control over how we feel, but we can empower ourselves to create affirmations-new, more positive thoughts-that shed a happier, optimistic light on what we're doing. Because if there's a choice-and I have to believe that in my mind , at least, there usually is-isn't it better to stan from a point of "It's a beautiful day, and I have my life" rather than "It 's a shitty (or potentially shitty) day, and what good is my wonhless existence"?

Don't get me wrong. I'm not auditioning for Up with People, or setting myself up as a prophet of the "You Create Your Own Reality" school. I'm just suggesting that if we start to shift OJ.Ir thinking into a more positive key, it does begin to color our outlook for the better, and can also have an impact on what happens around us. It can affect our relations with other people, for example, as well as improving our own mental and physical health. This creates a son of chain reaction, whereby some of those "good vibrations" flowing out of us come back

in the form of the reflected care and concernand love-we get from others

But just changing our thinking is not enough. We need strategies to overcome depression and keep it away What else can we do to begin to move out of our depression and isolation and into fulfillm ent, conn ection, and joy? There are no easy but from my own experience , and from reading about depression and talking with o th er men about what has worked for them, here are som e suggestions:

Get help. Take action-today-to begin your healing. Stan with a thought: I will do something to help myself. I deserve to feel better. See a therapist, or a physician you trust, and tell him or her what you 've been experiencing. Therapy can help, and medication might make a difference.

Talk with others. Che ck out a suppon group, such as those offered by th e Men 's Resource Center, or others you feel comfortabl e with. You'll meet other men who've dealt with depression , and they can h elp . Get out.and see friends-real friends you can be honest with; you may be surprised at the offers of suppon you receive, and at how good it feels just to be heard. If friends are in short supply, plan · activities you enjoy that will put you in contact with other people : join a hiking or biking group, volunteer with a charity, attend a house of worship or meditation group , or just hang out downtown having coffee and chatting. Interaction with others helps reduc e the isolation factor, so harmful to men

Move your body. Exercise and physical activity pm dispel depression and keep it at bay. Fmd an exercise routine or activity you like and make it part of your weekly schedule. Go to the gym, swim, find a pickup basketball game, call a friend to play tennis or racquetball. Get outdoors and walk or bike or ski-Just being outside in the fresh ail; moving your body, can improve your mood immeasurably.

Devei!Jp your spiritual side. This could mean something organized, such as a particular religion or spirirual path, or it could mean meditation, poetry, journal writing, painting , being in nature, playing music, or any activity that calms the mind and brings a sense of fulfillment and peace Are there things you used to enjoy that you don't do anymore? Chances are they're connected to your spiritual self, and doing them again will feel amazingly good

Work on your relationships. If you're in a committed relationship , you might explore couples counseling or cocounseling-both to check out how the relationship is doing (how your panner feels about it and how you fe el) and to learn how your depression is affecting your life with your parm'er. You can also try to find more time together-going out, resurrecting your romance and sex life and doing some of the fun things you used to do . If you have children, spending more time with them-whether playing games, taking them places, being outdoors , or just doing homework, dishes, or gardening together-can

be a real solace and a boos t.

Read. If you're a reader, reading is itself a joy and a comfon. I list so me books on depression here (see sidebar) -but just as important is to read something th;lt caprures your interest , gets you jazzed It might be a novel, poetry, or a biography of some inspiting person It might be medieval history or quantum physics for all I know. Whatever; · just choose something engaging and uplifting (and nondepressing!)

Be honest-and compassionatewith yourself Don' t try to do everything at once, or think you're going to be on top of the world tomorrow. And don't punish yourseif when you're notdon' t bludgeon yourself for the day you missed the gym, the morning you stayed in bed, the times you let the machine answer the phone. Don't fool yourself that you can or must be perfect, that the work will be easy, or that at some point you 'II absolutely have it licked. But do stan loving and caring for yourself, be compassionate about your weaknesses---while acknowledging them honesdy-and as a bonus you 'II become more understanding, and less judgmental, with other people . Once you get staned on this healing journey you 'II thlnk of other things to do along the way. - The important thing is to begin: to stan building structures into your life that will make you happier over time, to create new relationships and mend existing ones so that you have a network of suppon. This is

extremely important for men, as most of us were never taught to be intimate with others, many of us were taught that it wasn't okay to be honest and open or to have emotions (other than anger), and all of us have probably suffered from the damaging effects of our isolation But we can learn how to be connected , and we can teach ourselves to appreciate and enjoy the life that opens up before us .

Voice Male managing editor Michael Burke is a fadlitator in the Men 's Resource Center weekly support groups, and a freelance writer and editor.

Female to Male, Straight to Gay Fin ding Acceptance as a Trans gendered Man

By Dennis Bushey

My name is Dennis I was once very good at meeting the expectations of others . Until one day I realized all I actually got from it was criticism and a large sense of emptin ess. I then began a journey, four years ago , to understand what it means to be true to myself I starred to put myself back toge ther after 35 years of taking me aparr

This meant some significant changes . I starred with a divorce and moved from Florida back to western MassachusettS. I moved in with family, back in the room I grew up in I was literally starting over with no job, vehicle, or place of my own I have a very independent nature and relying on family was very difficult for me , especially since among the first things I needed to do was deal with childhood issues

Coming back to MassachusettS to do this had a ben efit. There were res ources h ere I

Knowing all too well the stereotypical masculinity most men are indoctrinated with, one of my transgendered (male to female) friends was certain they would reject me and was frightened for me.

needed to help me begin taking myself seriously. Once I started to do that, it was no small task for my family to do the same I had come to terms with my gender identity and itS expression. Since I had been born female , my parentS had to cope with losing a daughter and my siblings with no longer having a sister In the beginning the thought of gaining a son or brother was no comforr to them.

I was six months into a new job in the mental health field when I starred the transition from female to male. Management was clueless about how to help , which meant most times they didn' t. The clientS we worked with had issues of th eir own Trying to explain why their female staff member was now growing a beard seemed at times as challenging as being a high wire performer in the circus.

In addition to this major transition , there was also th e small matter of my sexual orientation : I am attracted to men. I went from living a life as a straight woman to being a gay

man This shift was quite confusing for a lot of people. The idea that identity is separate from orientation was difficult for them to grasp I had supporr for issues related to being transgendered Now I was at a point where I needed supporr for integration into a · community of men , especially gay men . I had alw.ays been in intimate relationships with men, but.as a (very uncomfonable) female It was well accepted to show affection to my mate in public I could talk about my relationships openly. Now all that is different. How would lleam to navigate in a new world? With new prejudices?

.

Three years ago I decided to finally check out the Gay/BisexuaVTransgendered and Questioning men's supporr group at the Men's Resource Center It did list T for transgendered , but was that only for male to female? Do they know about female-to-males? Many people don't. What about those who identify as gay? Would they take me seriously, as a gay man , or would it be like others I have met who thought , "Why change your sex if you're attracted to males?" Would I be looked at with disdain or would they laugh my butt right out of there?

Knowing all too well the stereotypical masculinity most men are indoctrinated with, one of my transgendered (male to fema le) friends was cenain they would reject me and was frightened for me But what if this group didn't reject me? How would that fee\? The only way to find out was to go.

I was nervous I physically shivered the entire half-hour ride to the meeting . I thought to myself that I would just sit and listen . Maybe they won' t be able to tell what I am During the meeting , I was rather quiet. But the evening went smoothly. It wasn't so bad . I left thinking that if I just don't mention anything related to being "trans" I'll fit in

The next week I returned. As men were talking, I found myself having to refrdin from expressing my thoughtS In order for anything I had to say to make sense, I would need to disclose who I was . I realized that being "trans" was related to every aspect of my life.

Maybe this wasn't the place for me . How could I ever fit in?

As the meeting progressed I was struck by the way the men were talking. They were being honest about their feelings. The most amazing thing was that they were aware they had feelings! Let alone being able to articulate them as well as they did This was new for me to experience among men Th at night a discussion evolved that brought up uncomfonable feelings for some group members Even so, they conveyed their thoughtS respectfully. They took ownership of their feelings and didn't place blame . I was inspired by their level of communication and by their honesty I began to think that this was the kind of male mentoring I was looking for

An opportunity pres ented itSelf for me to speak I took th e risk and disclosed who I was The response was compassionate. They wondered if they could ask questions I was the first female -to-male in this group, and they wanted to know how to rela te in a respectful way. They even thanked me for sharing. Whew! I had found a place to integrate For the first time in my life, I felt at home among others I now had many role models to help mentor me in a positive un-ste reotypical masculinity I began to believe I could survive sanely in a new world . Since then each week I have a place to go to process the day-to-day stuff and the really big stuff Now that my physical transition is over, things are less "trans" related and I feel more like an average joe I love to meet new people. Since it's a drop-in group, there are often new people at the meeting This can also be a frustration for me Sometimes I choose not to say much , if there are new people and it invo lves my past. Those are times when I just don' t fe el strong enough to deal with explaining it or changing their image of me Although it does not keep me away; it can make me acutely aware of my differences and cause a real struggle inside me. Nevenheless, of all the groups I belong to, this one is a main supporr for me . It's a place where I can bring anything.

The Men's Resource Center 's mission of breaking down male stereotypes has created a safe space for me and provided an emotionally healthy atmosphere to grow in I have gained more co urage to integrate into the larger scale of life I have had the chance to develop many profound friendships through the group I truly believe it has helped save my life

The organization's dedication to overcoming violence has helped me become more conscious of how I speak The more I am able to extinguish judgmental and angry language , the more peace of mind I find I like that and I'm glad I have a place that encourages my personal growth on so many different levels .

The GBTQ group has seen me through my second adoles cence and has been a large pan of helping me grow into an active, confident, compassionate young man.

Who wbuld've guessed that one little meeting could help accomplish so much?

Dennis Bushey is a residential/outreach worker for people who deal with mental illness and trauma He is also a member of the Trans Activist Network He ca n be reached at glitterJ @the-spa com

A Teen Father's Adult Life

By Mark Jimerson

Take a walk down High Street in Holyoke, Massachusetts, on a spring afternoon, and you probably won't have to walk far before you see a young girl pushing a baby stroller. She may look too young to be a mother, but don't be too sure Holyoke, like many other small cities in Massachuse tts , is home to a surprisingly large number of mothers who are very young and very visible , girls who get pregnant and don' t hide themselves away, and don' t often have abortions. Getting pregnant while in high sc hool, or even in middle school, can ac tu ally elevate a girl's status within certain peer groups in this small city.

But what about the fathers of these kids : where are they? Turn a corner off High Street and push open the door to a local barbershop , and you'll find one of them ] R. Maldona do is 16 years old and the father of two Ask him, and he'll show you pictures of his kids Erised is two years old and Zaphiel is seven months

JR. isn't waiting for a haircut. He's waiting for his next customer, his next commission . His girlfriend Desiree just flew down to Pueno Rico last week with their kids and as soon as he has the money for his own ticket , he 'll pack his things and move down there with them This will be the third time in three years that they've moved to Pueno Rico , planning each time to stay for good They have a little house of their own down in Guyama. It 's all fixed up now, not like last year, when they had to live with her family while JR. worked on the house Things got crazy last time, after they found out her birth control hadn't worked and she was pregnant again . And then her broth er flipped out one day and came after Desiree· with a stick, and JR., in defending her, got her scorn instead of thanks It was a family matter, she said, it was none of his business So JR. found himself on the outside, and the next thing he knew he was on a plane back to

Bradley without her.

Their relati onship has often been turbul ent, but somehow they have always gotten back together. Th ey starred seeing each oth er three years ago. The first time they had sex was at a pany He was 13, but everyone said he looked older. Sh e was 15 They were drinking, like everyon e else. Binh control was never discussed; no t that night , or th e other times after that. Th en two months later, when she went to the school nurse with headaches and dizzin ess , they gave her a pregnancy test. And it came back positive

Th e news made him happy at first, but scared too ." He told his mother the day he found out and she took it fairly well. At 41 , she already ha d eight grandchildren, so this was a disappointment, but not a shock. Desiree 's mother didn' t take it so well She

].R. and a friend looking at pictures of his kids . football team. But with th e baby on his mind, he ended up quitting school in November and doing odd jobs with his stepfuther. His girlfriend move d

"look what ·I created ... that I'm

j to love so much. I had so many emotions . inside that I broke out crying/

rem emb ered getting pregnant at 16 and dropping out of sc hool, and she didn' t want that fate for her daughter. Days and th en weeks went by, and JR. starred to panic He neve r thought of leaving Desiree or saying the baby

Erised and Zephiel wasn 't his , like some guys might. But still. " I had my head spinning, " he says "I didn' t know what I was going to do, I was so wo rri ed about so many things . Especially about money and supporting the baby. " He had turned 14, bu t he still wasn' t old enough to ge t a real job

He made a little money cutting hair at home , but not nearly enough He went through a stage where h e was so scared he j ust kind of "freaked out " and wou ld stan yelling if anyone asked him about the baby that was coming. JR. entered high school th at fall, and as a freshman was a starting running back on the

in with him at his mother 's apanment, and they managed to get a double bed and a crib into his bedroom. When his daughter was born, he was there to cut the umbilical cord. "The first thing I thought was, ' Look

what I crea ted · Look what came out, that I'm going to love so much . That'll always be with me .' I had so many emotions inside, that I broke out crying "

Two months later, instead of returning to school, he and Desiree moved to Puen o Rico and staye d with her family, thinking they would have a better chance of making it there. "I was real happy then," he said. "I was incredibly happy." But work was hard to co me by and they moved back to Holyoke six mo nths later. The foll owing year they tried it again, and that's when they found out she was pregnant again and the re was the thing with her brother and the stick. Back in Holyoke without his daughter or his pregnant girlfrien d , JR. becarhe depressed. "I was like blank for a month or two . Or three ." He barely had any money, bringing in maybe a hundred dollars every two weeks cutting hair at home , in his mother 's He didn't want to do anything , had no ambition at all, and felt like a failure

Then Desiree came back from Pu en o Rico with their daughter in May, and Zephiel was born a few weeks later. "I went to the hospital when he was born, and everything was good I was working and I was happy because I was working I had my job, I had my kids over he re, and my girl. I had everything ove r here And everything was going good "

Until they starred arguing again. She wanted to go out to the teen dances at the churc h by McDonald 's and he didn't want to go out. She wanted to be with her friends and go to parties, and h e wanted her there 'with th e kids when he got home from his new job at the barbershop When fall came, he enrolled in school, but it was hard being a fr es hman again after two years away, an d anyway, he

needed to make money for his kids His boss at the barbershop was cool-he let].R. leave when his kids had appointments, he even bought him diapers in bulk and took it out of his pay. So he quit school again, and did his best to support his family.

When Desiree left him the next time, he got so low he couldn' t sleep and couldn't eat, and he got real skinny. His mother would hear him late at night in his room, crying. It got so bad they had to call the police one day to keep him from jumping off the balcony of their

]. R. at work at the barber shop

apanrnent building Counseling didn't help , but when Desiree got worried and carne back to him, things got better. Always up and down, their relationship. Always srress in his life Being a young father isn ' t easy, not if you 're rrying to do right by your kids At least now his friends have kids too , and he knows they'll be there for him. "My best friend, he's always after my kids . He's like, 'I'm gonna get your daughter that jersey right there .' He loves my kids. I don't know, he's just always there. He 's always mad cool with me. He helps me out. Most of my boys are They come by and they're like , 'Oh , you gotta give me a picture of your kids ."' Still , it's no fun when you 're 16 and you have to buy diapers and formula instead of new clothes for yourself. When you have to work instead of hanging out When his daughter was born,]. R. admits he relied too much on his mother and others, and didn' t do as much as he could have But he's older now, and wants to do it right. He has plans to join Desiree and the kids in Puerto Rico and open his own barbershop as soon as he can, to be responsible and independent , and really make it this time He and Desiree still argue, but they're doing better about talking things out-"like we 're supposed to.'' For his children, he wants what so many parents want : a better life His advice for them is already prepared : "Go to school. Don' t have kids Wait until you're 30 " His mother doesn' t want him to go down there again She says the kids need a stable horne But now the house is finished and it's time to go back and cut the lawn and get some furniture and get settled in .

Mark Jimerson, UCSW, is director of The Kids Net Program at the Holyoke office of Massachusetts Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (MSPCC) and former director of their Healthy Families Program. He has led groups for youngfathers for several years .

Empathic Massage

Pain relief&: Relaxation

Deep

Sports/Energy Balancing

All

Wilderness Canoe Trips

Gay Men and Sex: Affirmations of Pleasure

By Carl Erikson

Sorne heterosexuals are mad e hugely embarrassed and uncomfortable by even the thought of the gay man's comfort with sex By his freedom with it. By his open of it. By his apparently unlimited display o1 it and his delight in that display (I'm not suggesting there aren't some heteros who feel similarly, but I want to explore gay men's experience .) What do gay men get out of all this sex? Why are they so oven about it in their actions and conversation? Why sex, anyway, when there are lots more productive things to concentrate on? What do they find so normal in it? Well, let's talk about gay sex without moral judgment, and without prurient interest.

Sex is one of the great "normals" in life So normal that everyone is a product of it, and everyone experiences its forces and pleasures The gay man makes it normal in his life He's unafraid of it, respectful of it, and curious about its forms and feelings.

Gay sex is more than techniques and positions. It's about personal choice , about personal expression It's about being honest regarding the pleasures a man 's soul wants to experience It's pan of the gay man' s big exploration of life, or at least of his deep desire to do that exploration It's about making choices free of the great "They" in the world

The choice is also about pleasure and the "okayness" of pleasure . Pleasure because it feels good and satisfies deeply Also, pleasure because it validates a gay man in a very personal way, in the face of so much around him that wants to invalidate him and drive him out of view, to make him invisibl e Sex is often a very personal statement-"Here I am , undeniable"-by the gay man.

Most gay sex, in my experience , is consensual and respectful from beginning to end Mutual pleasure and enjoyment is th e stated and practiced goal. In many sexual encounters the more experienced parmer gently shares his knowledge of life's possibilities with his less experienced parmer Individual desires and dislikes are thoughtfully tended to and respected, even to the point of ending the sexual encounter Safe and responsible sexual behavior is insisted on now

by most gay men , and there is remarka bly h onest talk about hea lth conditions among mos t gay panners. Men's high level of seX\l al need is freely acknowledged and satisfied where, when , and how the partn ers th emselves choose

Sex adds essential ene rgy to the life of the gay man. The energy created by intimate con nection. The energy crea ted by mutual exchanges of attention and approval. The overwhelming physical energy of th e '1\h" that feels like life itself.

Of course it's not all paradise. A gay man's sex life is also abo ut the risk of HIVAIDS . He may encounter the Stud , who co unts tri cks but rare ly pays attention to pleasu re or selfexpression. So metimes, just as in oth er kinds of intima te relations, the gay man is on the re ceiving end of sexual violence and · manipulation. And lots of times, he spends th e night alone. The se experiences, howeve r, need not tum him agains t sex or persuade him to con demn sex. Sex remains an essential part of his life

Th e enj oyment and perso naliza ti on of sex that a gay man expresses and celebra tes are not exclusively his, of course . Anyo ne-gay or straight-can express and celebra te th ese

qualities too, and leave the repressive box that the great "They" build around expressing and feeling our true selves The open gay man says "No " to this negation of choice, expression, self-validation, and energy-all those things that make him comfortable and real

Are these every gay man's Sexual Tenets? The temptation is to say, "No. " After all, "eve ry " is one of those words that virtually demands excep tions. Maybe they're just one gay man's ove r-certain conclusions . That's possibl e, too , of course. Many gay men would not articulate their sexual experience in these terms To be perfectly honest, we also have to admit that some gay sex is simply irresponsible immorality

Whatever validity these limitations have on these observations, they don 't tum sex into som ething shameful , shallow, or immoral for gay men . Sex gives them too much that 's important to condemn it and tum away from all its bl essings and pleasures .

Carl Erikson is an artist and writer, and the Men 's Reso urce Center's director of operations

Exploring the Myths and Stories ·We Live as Gay Men with Jean-Claude van ltallie and Dan Merchant Saturday &Sunday, April5 &6, 2003, 11:00-6:00

Musical Theater Works • 440 Lafayette Street, New York City • Fee: $162

Exp erien ce two master teachers, one a playwright and one a psychotherapist, both Buddhists, offer ing an excitin g workshop for gay men. Using movement , meditation, story and dream telling we'll start unveiling the emotional maps that rule our lives Playfully we 'll explore the myths, stories and dramas with which we have identified For information and to register: (413) 339·4332, www.shantigar.org (See Calendar Listing page 26)

THE MEN'S RESOURCE CENTER OF WESTERN MASSACHUSETTS

For . 1nr men and other mm wko lor; mm.. . A 1nnf opporlmrffr fo med ofltm from Sprinttf!eM fo BrnH!eboro - nhd berondl

. p..l.. TICKETS: $10 IN ADVANCE Rlf $12 AT THE POOR AYITi!RNt Rftltt

MEN'S RESOURCE CENI£R,236N Pir11JR!fi51. Amltmf

GLBT COMMUNITY CENTER J! NtWSollfkSI.. Norfltnmpfo11

BEYOND WORDS BOOKSHOP.JfJMni11SI. Notfltllmpfo11

PRIDE AND JOY. 20Cnr/hArr Norfltnmpfoll

TAPESTRY HEALTH SYSTEMS,3'JMH/Prt"fJI. (/ower!mb.Spri11'f{it!J T. He , E. MEN'S PROGRAM, t7 M111it Sf 8rllff!rboro, VT WORLD EYE

REDUCED FEE TICKETS AVAILABLE

SUNDAY, APRIL 13,2003 • 3 TO 5:30PM

A Hierarchy of Oppression?

AIDS, Blacks, and Discrimination

By Vernon McClean

In his State of the Union address , George W. Bush announced that he is going to seek $16 billion for AIDS financing. Although th e vast majority of people living with HN anlf AIBS are in Africa and the 10 percent of th ese funds will be given to these hard-hit co untries globally In fact, during his first year in office, President Bush cut the amo unt of funds for AIDS rreatm ent and resea rch He seems to believe that th ere is a hierarchy of AIDS trea tment Lauding the president, the (white) gay press, for example Th e New llirk Blade, sugges ted that "finally Mr. Bush has tied AIDS to <domestic terrorism " However, like the war on terrorism, the U.S war agains t AIDS is racis t, sexis t , and homoph obic

Let us journey to th e Caribbean, which (next to Africa) has the highes t percentage of people infected with AIDS in the world. Let me inrroduce you to Paul Davis (a pseudonym on this h omophobic island) Paul is a husband and father of six, and he has AIDS Close to death at one point, Paul had his neighbor telephone me to return h ome to hold him for the last tim e. In his hands, Paul now holds a prescri ption for an AIDS medication that once saved his life . Unfonunately, Paul canno t afford the treatm ent he needs In many pans of the Caribbean, the average annual inc ome is far below what is needed to pay for expensive AIDS rreatments Sadly, the same is true here in the United for people of color. The Centers for Dis ease Conrrol estimate that the average annual cost of protease inhibitors is $15,000, whereas H!V-infe cted black men have an average annual in come of $ll,OOO "I call it the therape utic haves and the therapeutic have-nots ," says Dr. Anhur Ammann, president of the America n Foundation for AIDS

So Paul adds his nam e to an already lengthy waiting list. Meanwhile , his love r (like many in the black Am erican community, he occasionally has sex with men) is not receiving treatment be cause the protease-inhibitor regimen is too co mplex. Therefore , in consultation with his lover 's therapist , the doctor is withholding the life-giving drugs becau se he fears that the lover will miss the correct dosage (which can amount to 30 pills a day, some with fo od, some without). The result is that th e virus bec omes resis tant . Th e Clinton adminisrration was supposed to create a pilot program to expand Medicaid so that additional people co uld get the lifegiving drugs they needed. It 's a paradox: covers the protease inh ibitors , but you have to be disabled to receive it. "It's a crazy system You 've got to get yourself really sick so you can qu alify to be totally disab led, so you can get the med icin e that might have been able to save you [before you be came disabled], " says Dr. Patricia Hawkins of the Whitm an-Walker Clinic in Washington, D C., which treats and counsels people with AIDS

AIDS has become the most deadly killer of black people since slavery. Although we are only 10 percent of the U.S. popu lation , more than 50 percent of those infe cted with AIDS are black. AIDS kills more black men between the ages of 25 and 44 than any othe r cause. Black men are six time s more likely than whites to be infec ted with HN, and twice as likely as Latinos Half of all new cases of HN occur among people betwee n 13 and 24-with the proportion even high er in a city like New York. ' Nearly two-thirds of new infections occur among black yo uth , and one-fifth among Hispanic youth. Although the devastation is wide, it is not equal. If it were, blacks , women , and gays would be given equal rreatment by therapists and others Unforrunately this is not the case

An additional probl em is that the Bush administration and others don' t acknowledge the discriminatory rreatment Many AIDS victims are perce ived to be "undesirable "blacks, gays, N drug users Consequently o th er communities (whi te, middle-class) drive the policy deb ates and receive larger proportions of funding for AIDS-related se rvices.

And it's not just about black men Recent studies by the National Centers for Disease Control confirm an alarming trend toward the "feminization " of AIDS. According to Kofi Annan, secretary-general of the United Nations, black women now make up the majority of people with AIDS In the United States , the death rate for black women with AIDS is six times greater than that for white women, and 46 percent greater than for Latino women. For black women , this death rate is higher than that for breast cancer, higher than that for hyp ertension Higher than that for hean disease, gunshots, and car wrecks co mbin ed.

Diane Weathers , editor in ch ief of Essence · magazine, believes that one reason black women are disproportionately affected by AIDS is se lf-esteem. Many black men do not like to use condoms ; and bla ck women , to please th eir men , must comply. Marrying for the first time at age 50, Weathers writes , "There 's a real hunger for male relationships, and we put ourselves on the victims ' end. Tm not going to have a man if I don' t do this.' We want [black] men in our lives so badly we give them all the power."

A recent UN repon indicates that "in some countries yo ung women are twice as likely to conrract the disease , compared to young men ." Moreover, "Some studies have shown that up to 80 percent of yo ung women [in Africa and the Caribbean] between the ages of l5 and 24 do not know enough to protect themselves agains t the disease." Often they are infected by a black male relative . According to a 1999 article in The African Sun Times , 14-year-old Cynthia Moyo was infe cted by her uncle. The same source indicated that "70 percent of the victims-who were all female-were under th e age of 13 ." • There is a lack of solidarity--even simple human emp athy-in the black community on this issue. Recen tly I overheard several of my black American colleagues saying that they wished President Bush would use whatever funds are available to fight poveny at home in the U.S ., rather than sending money to Africa and my native Caribbean to fight AIDS . Despite what jerry Falwell said after September 11th, there are no "deserving " victims of AIDS . We need to realize that there should be no "hierarchy of oppression" in which oppressed groups--white gay men vs straight black men, black women vs. N drug us ers--debate each other over which group is the "mos t oppressed ." If we are to overcome racism , sexism, and h omophobia , we need to join hands with each other-regardless of race, class, or gender.

As activists , we ourselves need to get more educa tion about HN and AIDS . Second , we need to acknowledge the discriminatory rreatment that exists in our communities against these "undesirables." Third , we need to join Kofi Annan in lobbying the Bush adroinisrration to make a real financial contribution toward the prevention and rreaunent of HN and AIDS. Finally, we need to come together as a community of scholaractivistS . We need to realize and remind ourselves that we are one globally (black/white, gay/ srraight, that we share a common cause in fighting against all oppression There should be no hierarchy of AIDS rreaunent

Vernon McClean is chair of th e Department of African-American and Caribbean Studies at the William Paterson University in Weyne, N.j. He writes frequently for Voice Male

Insights for the Nonsurvivor

"What in the World Is Going On?"

ByLes Wright , Ph .D.

When I got clean and sober twentysome years ago, it felt strange to me that being gay seemed the most normal thing about me Around the l Oth anniversary of my sobriety I was plunged into a bottomless pit of grief and despair As the crying jags and adrenaline-driven manic attacks worsened, I began to reconnec t emotionally to a childh ood of protracted abuse. The fundamenta l cause of my chemical dependency and chaotic life were sudde nly unveiled to me, and I began a deepe r, spiritu al healing as I grasped the dep ths of the ch ildhood trauma and how to become a true survivor, to move past being permane ntly stuck in my "trauma time. "

Children can be traumatized through abuse , neglect , or assau lt. The trauma may be induced through physical, emotiona l, ormost devastating of all-i ncest and sexual abuse. Adu lt survivors are themselves often n ot aware of the effects that have carrie d oyer into adulthood. Men , especially, socialized to be emotionally inaniculate, hard , and invuln erable, often have th e hardes t time recognizing, let alone admitting to another person , what was done to them as a child

For the nonsurvivor- parmer or spouse , fri end , or relative- behaviors, reactions, and the self-image of an abuse survivor wi th whom

you' re emotionally involved are likely to be as bewildering to yo u as to the survivor

Recognizing and understanding the traumareactive dynamic will help yo u cope with , care for, and possibly help suppon your survivor-parmer-there is far more going on than meets the eye At the very least , it will be helpful to you not to take the survivor 's "odd behaviors " personall y or to fuel the trauma itsel£ The sense of separation, of being ' exclu ded from the rest of humani ty, is felt very powerfully by abuse survivors We feel profound guilt and shame , we s truggle to accept , or even tolerate, ourselves , and we disb elieve that we are "wonh y" of love or even of being treated with decency by others. We may not have the slightest clue how to recognize love, let alone reciprocate it , even as we are spiritually starving for it.

Psychotherapist Mike Lew, M Ed , who has done groundbreaking work with men , recovering from childhood sexual abuse, was the first to identify survivor symptoms in men : social and emotional withdrawal , moo d swings, crying jags , irrational anger, blaming behavior, unreas onable demands, extreme sexual behavior (either inappropriate highly sexualized behavior or complete sexual shutdown) , resentments, confusion and preoccupation ("spacing out"), exaggerated fear and anxiety, emotional regression , physical abuse (vic tim-turned-victimizer phenomenon) , inconsistency of response, and-perhaps the most intractable and fru strating dynamicmistrust of self-perceptions and of other people

People at social proximity will notice traits like spacing out, flare-up s of anger, all-ornothingjudgments , words expressing harsh judgment of others or especially of self, and hyp'er-vigilant behaviors These may include the survivor reflexively pulling away from a touch, being easily startled or "jumping out of their skin" when mildly s urprised or if approached from behind . The nonsurvivor should not tease or attempt to startle the survivor, should ask permission before touching or hugging (and respect a request denied) Hugging someone from behind or clapping your hands over a survivor's eyes ("Guess who? ") can trigge r a startle response , panic, or an outburst of rage

A nonsurvivor involved at closer proximity, especially romantically, with a survivor is likely to become aware of an acute negative selfimage (which may be expressed in self-abuse , such as excessive drinking , use of drugs , overeating, "cutting" or self-mutilation), an inexplicably low level of self-esteem , and a tendency toward feeling shamed, humiliated , angry, rageful, or impotent. The nonsurvivor parmer may also notice chronic insomnia, coupled with nightmares, flashbacks, or an endless sense of being all alone in the world . A survivor is likely to fear or be incapable of emotional or sexual intimacy, and no amount

of reassurance may convince him to trust.

Much of what an involved nonsurvivor can do to be supportive of a survivor is to listen, to be emotionally available, to believe what the survivor recalls , respect and be patient The survivor is neither 'a child nor lying. And codependent behaviors will not help anyone. Indeed , the nonsurvivor needs to take care of herself or himsel£ You are likely to grow impatient with the survivor's irrational behavior or emotional limitations , yo u may feel guilty by proxy, or yo u may even feel fear, eitlrer by a quickening of your own sense of vulnerability, the emotional fragility of your survivor parmer, or, in extreme cas es of rageful outbursts, at the possibility of the survivor lashing out violently.

Each survivor has his own story and his own level of trauma and hun. I have painted a more extreme picture here, to exaggerate symptoms that are likely to be much more subtle and take time to be perc eived as such . You as a nonsurvivor may want to seek ou t emotional suppon for yourse!L from friends or a professional Do not take these reactions and behaviors personally and recognize that yo u cannot "fix things" or, so metimes , help the survivor feel better in any way Do no t blame the survivor for his having been victimized and do not blame yourself- it is the perpetrator who is responsible .

Once a survivor stans down the road to healing , he will still be prone at times to react to historical emotions (and memori es), an d not to what is actually happening in the present moment. Just having survived means a survivor has overcome far worse damage than many people experien ce in a life time . If you are of a spiritual bent , you will likely come to recognize the power of the wounded healer in your survivor Honor him (or her) for all he has overcome . And honor yourself for bearing wimess to and being a special soul who can walk with a survivor

An associate professor of humanities at Mount Ida CoUege in Newton Center; Mass. , and adjunct professor of health sdence at Worcester State College, Les Wright is director of the Nas hoba Research Institute for the Study of Non-Hegemonic Masculinitie s in Fitchburg, Mass., and a support group fadlitator at th e Men' s Resource Center.

(Book Review, continued from page 7

it is heartening to hear someone write about the possibility of change and what ' people can do to foster change in our commun ities. While Ban croft offers a clear disclaimer that tiue change from abuse to non-abuse is not usually th e case, and that change comes afte r a long, difficult amount of work, h e leaves the reader with the sense that change is possible, as well as descri bing what the ingredients of such change might look like.

In a field still in its infancy, it was gratifying to find much in the b ook that matched my own experiences and ideas as director of a batterers ' intervention program The only place where l differ with Bancroft is in his firm ideas about how an abuser is created and how intervention sho uld work. l agree that "i t is a distorted sense of right and is at the core of any abuser's thinking . l also believe, however, that such factors as being abused as a child himself, having low selfes teem , a nd lacking comm unication ski lls are contributing factors in some abusers . These aren't the most important issues to be

addressed in a batterers' intervention program, but they can be crucial ones to look at if an abuser is truly going to make long-term change. l have seen this repeatedly among men who have participated over time in barterer intervention follow-up groups.

In fact , the longer l do this work, the more l become convinced that the factors that make a man abusive, and the appropriate intervention and trea tment foci , are numerous. While the fundamental aspects of a good batterers ' intervention program need to include education about abuse and confrontation of abusive behavior, l am not convinced that a one-size-fits-all model is the most effective or appropriate. Current research is beginning to point in a different direction In the meantime, while intervention programs move from infancy to adolescence, l will definitely suggest that everyone read Why Does He Do That? when l am asked that very question.

Russdl Bradbury-Carlin is a poet and writer who directs the Men 's Resource Center's Men Overcoming Violence program (MOVE). He lives in Northampton, Mass.

lf you or someone you know can answer "Yes" to any of these questions you or they may have a problem with abuse Without help, it cou ld get worse. At Men Overcoming Violence, men can learn to change Call us to schedule a confidential appointment with one of our trained staff. We can help before it's too late.

MOVE MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE

Amherst/Ware: (413) 253-9588 • Springfield : (413) 734-3438 Greenfield: (413) 773-8181 • Athol/Orange: (978) 575-9994

Each season 10,000 copies are mailed to subscribers and distributed in , Western Mass., Southern Vermont and Southern New Hampshire. •

To find out how to place an ad in VOICE MALE, call (413) 253-9887, Ext. 20 m ens resourcecenter.org

SliPPORT GROUP PROGRAMS

• Op en Men 's Group

Sundays 7 - 9 p m at the MRC Amherst office ; Tuesdays 6 :45- 8 :45p. m at the Council on Aging, 240 Main St., Northampton . Wednesdays 7-9 p m in Gree nfield a t Nerwork Chiropractic, 21 Mohaw k Trail Oower Main Stree t) A facilitat ed drop-in group for men to talk abo u t their lives and to support each other.

• Men Who Hav e Experienced Childhood Abuse and Neg lect Specifically for men who have experienced any kind of chi ldh ood a bus e or neglect. Friday s 7 - 8 :30 p.m a t th e MRC.

• Gay, Bisexua l, & Questio ning Mondays 7 - 9 p . m . a t the MRC. Discussion group on issues of sexua l orientation

• GBQ Schmoozefest Events : Seasonal events with cate red food, an and music, o pp ortUnities for interacting with GBQ men and other m en who love m en from Sp ringfield to Bratdeboro and beyo nd Ap rill 3,j un e 1, 3- 5 :3 0 p m a t the Garden House , Look Park, No rthampton, Mass

FATHERING PROGRAMS

• A variety of reso urces are availableFathers and Family Nerwo rk monthly workshops, lawye r refe rrals , parenting guidance, workshops, e du ca tional presenta ti ons and co nferences Group and individual counseling for new a nd expectant, separa recl!divo rced , gay, step, adoptive and other fathers / father figures

YOUTH PROGRAMS

• Yo ung Me n of Co lor Leadership Project, Amh e rst

• Yo un g Men's Leadership Developme nt N iolence Prevention , Holyoke & Northa mp to n

MRC PROGRAMS & SERVICES

MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE (MOVE)

MRC s tate-certified barterer intervention program serves both voluntary and courtmandated men who have been physically violent or verbally/e motionally abusive Fee subsidies availab le

• Basic Groups : Groups for self-referred (20 weeks) and court-mandated (40 weeks) men are held in Amherst, Athol, 'Mire, Springfield , and Gree nfield

• Follow-up : Groups for men who have comp leted the basic program and want to continue working on these issues are available in Northampton, Gree nfield and Amherst.

• Partner Services : Free phone support, resources, referrals and weekly suppo rt groups are available for partners of men in the MOVE program

• Pris on Groups: A weekly MOVE group is held at th e Hampshire County jail and House of Corrections

• Community Education and Training: Workshops a nd training on domestic violence and clinical issues in barterer intervention are available .

• Speakers ' Bureau : Formerly abusiye men who want to share their experiences with others to help prevent family violence are availab le to sp ea k at schools and human service programs

WORKSHOPS AND TRAINING

• Men & Divorce: This NEW workshop se ries can help you get your bearings and find your way through the divorce process to reach a successful conclusion in this tran s ition.

Six Thursday evenings May 15 - june 19 , 7- 9 pm $90 At MRC , 236 No rth Pleasant Street , Amherst. For information , call Carl (413) 253-9887 , Ext. 13

• Workshops available to colleges , schools , human servic e organizations, and businesses on topics such as "Sexual H arassm ent Prevention and Respons e, " "S trat egies and Skills for Educating Men," "Building Men's Community," and "Challenging Homophobia, " am o ng other topi cs Spedfic trainin gs and consultations also available

PUBLICATIONS

• Voice Male : Published quarterly, the MRC magazine include s articles , essays, reviews and resources, and services re lated to men and masculinity

• Children, Lesbian s, arid Men : Men 's Experiences as Known and Anonymous Sperm Donors , a 60-page manual which answers the questions men have , with first-person accounts by men and women "who have b ee n there. "

RESOURCE AND REFERRAL SERVICES

• Information about events, counselors, groups, local , regional and national activities, and support program s for men

RESOURCES

Men's Resources

(Resources for Gay, Bisexual and Questioning Men, see 19)

The American Cancer Society (413) 734-6000 Prostate suppon groups, patient suppon groups , nutritional supplements , dressings and supplies, literarure, low-cost housing, and transponation.

Brattleboro Area AIDS Project (802) 254-4444; free, confidential HN/AIDS services, including suppon, prevention counseling and volunteer opponunities .

Children's Aid and Family Service (413) 584-5690 Special needs adoption services Counseling for individuals , families and children, with a play therapy room for working with children Parent aid program for parents experiencing stress

HIV Testing Hotline: (800) 750-2016

Interfaith Community Cot Shelter 582-9505 (days) or 586-6750 (evenings)

Overnight shelter for homeless individuals123 Hawley St. , Nonhampton. Doors open at 6. PM .

Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) (800) 749-6879 Referrals available 1 for 12-step groups throughout New England

TRY Resource/Referral Center for Adoption Issues

Education and suppon services for adoptees, adoptive parents , professionals , etc Suppon group meetings first Wednesday and third Sunday of each month Ann Henry- (413) 584-6599

Fathers

Fathers with Divorce and Custody Concerns: Looking for a lawyer? Call your state bar association lawyer referral agency. In Massachusetts the number is 1-800-3926164 Here are some websites that may be · of use to you :

vvww acfc org * www.fathering.org www dadscan org www divorcedfathercom www fatherhoodproject.org www dadsrights org ** (not www dadsrights.com) www fathers com www.fatherh ood.org www.fathersnetwork.org www.divorcehq .com * www.divorcewizards .com *' www geocities .com/Heanland/Meadows/ 1259/ links.htrn * ' www.menstuff.orglframeindex htrnl (Fa thers ruff)

*good resource 24 **strongly recommended

At Home Dad: www parentsplace com/readroom/athomedad

The Fathers Resource Center: www.slowlane.com/frc

National Fatherhood Initiative: www.cyfc umn edu/Fathemet

The Fatherhood Project: www fatherhoodproject.org

Internet Resources

Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts: www mensresourcecenter.org

The Men's Bibliography:

A comprehensive online bibliography of writing on men, masculinities and sexualities. http ://www.anu.edu.au/-a112465/ mensbiblio/ mensbibliomenu hrrnl

XY magazine:

http ://www anu.edu au/ -al12465/XY/ xyf hrrn

Pro-feminist men's FAQ: http ://www.anu edu au/ -a112465/ pffaq.htrnl

Pro-feminist men's mail list: http ://www anu edu au/ -a112465/ profem.hrrnl

Violence statistics: http ://www anu edu au/ -a112 465/vstats htrnl

Homophobia and masculinities among young men (Lessons In becoming a straight man): http://online anu.edu au/ -a112465/homophobia htrnl

National Men's Resource Center www mensruff org

National calendar of events, directory of men's services and a listing of books for positive change in men's roles and relationships

The Men's Issues Page: www.vix .com/pub/ men/index .htrnl

100 Black Men, Inc.: www.100bm org

Pro-feminist men's groups listing: www.feminist.com/pro hrrn

Pro-feminist mailing list

http ://coombs.anu .edu .au / -gorkin / profem hrrnl

Magazines

Achilles Heel (from Great Britain): www.stejonda.demon co uk/achilles/issues htrnl

XY: men, sex politics (from Australia): http ://coombs anu edu au/ -gorkin/XY / xyintro.htm

Ending Men's Violence Real Men: Www cs.utk edu!-bartley/ other/ realMen hrrnl

The Men's Rape Prevention Project: www.mrpp .org/intro.hrrnl

Quitting Pornography, Men Speak Out: www geocities com/Capita!Hill/1139 / quitpom hrrnl

Volunteers Needed

AIDS CARE/ Hampshire County , (413) 586-8288 Help make life easier and friendlier for our neighbors affected by HN or AIDS . Men are especially needed .

Big Brothers/Big Siste(S of Hampshire County

We are looking for men to be Big Brothers in the Hampshire County area Big Brothers act as mentors and role models to boys who need a caring adult friend . To learn more about being a Big Brother, call (413) 253-2591.

Planned Parenthood of Western Massachusetts 413 732-2363 Outreach volunteers wanted to help distribute information about Planned Parenthood 's services , promote safe sex practices, and rally suppon for pro-choice legislation at various events.

Men's Resource Center (413) Distribution, ad sales and mailings for Voice Male , general office work, special projects, etc Flexible schedules

Friday, March 21 and Saturday, March 22

Wes t Hartfo rd , Conn ecticut

True Colors X: · Been Done That. Now What?

A con ference offering more than 150 works hops targeting LGBTI youth , their peers and family members, educators, social service and mental health care providers and their co mmunities of faith. True Colors, Inc Sexual Mino rity Youth &: Family Services ensures that Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual , Transgender, and lntersexed (LGBTI) people are welcomed, valu ed and affirmed in e;J.ch of the institutions and sys tems that touch their lives. The agency seeks to reduce th e stigma associated with sexual minority status and to ensure that the needs of LGBTI youth , adults and families are compe ten tly met. Location: University of Hartford, West Hartford Information: A complete list of workshops and a .registration form is available at: www OurTrueColors.org. For further information contact: Executive Director Robin Passariello McHaelen Email: at rpassariello@snet.net; 1-888-565-5551.

Thursday, March 27, 7 p m

Worcester, Massachusetts

Tough Guise: Violence, Media and the Crisis in Mascul.inity

Screening and discussion of the acclaimed Media Education Foundation video which will be ai red on cab le television Sponsored by the Worcester Men's Resource Center Steering Committee Location: 71 Pleasant St., Worcester (508) 753 -125 1 ·

Saturday, April 5 and Sunday, April 6

11 a.m.- 6 p m.

New York City

Exploring the Myths & Stories

We Live as Gay Men

A worksh op with jean-Claude van Itallie and Dan Merchant. 'Experience two master teachers, one a playwright , one a · psychotherapist, both Buddhists, offering a works h op for gay men using movement , meditation, story ari.d dream telling to unveil · the emotional maps that rule our lives. JeanClaude has written more than thitty plays and musicals and has taught theater at Amherst, Columbia , Harvard, Naropa, NYU , Princeton and Yale. Dan is trained in the healing and therapeutic practices of the West and of many indigenous cultures. His work integrateS 25

years as a student of Buddhism

Cost: $ 162

Location : Musical Theater Works, 440 Lafayette St., NYC.

Information: 413-339-4332 1 www.Shantigar.org I e-mail @shantigar.org

Monday, April 7 - Friday, April 11

Amherst, Massachusetts

Healing the Wounded Heart: Survivor Art Exhibit

A project for Sexual Assault Awareness Month, Healing the Wounded Heart is designed for anyone who has been affected by sexual assault. To tell thCir s tories , participants will decorate a wooden heart displayed in the Universi ty of Massachusetts Student Union Art Gallecy as testimony of the imp ac t that sexual assa ult has on all of us. Open to victims/ survivors of sexual assa ult and their friends , partners, and family members, as well as service providers who work with victims/ survivors Hearts can be anonymous, and will become the ·prop erty of'the EverywomaiJ's Center Information: Educator/Advocate Program at Everywoman's Center at (413) 545-2586

Wednesday, April 9th, 5 p m. - 6 p.m

Springfield, Massachusetts

Introduction to the Men's Resource Center Come and visit the Men 's Resource Center for an hour to learn about the work we do in the community. Location: South End Community , Center; 29 Howard Street, Springfield. Information: (413) 253-9887; sjoseph@mensresourcecenter.org

Friday, April11 - Sunday, April 13

Nashville, Tennessee

Globalization and the Critical Study of Men and Masculinities

The annual con feren ce of the American Men's Studies Assocation features keynotes from Susan Bordo, professo r of English and Women's Studies at the University of Kentucky · and author of Th e Male Body : A New Look at Men in Public and Private , and R. W Connell, professor of education at the University of Sydney (Australia) and author of Gender and Power: Society, the Person and Sexual Politics, Masculinities , and Th e Men and the · Location: Vanderbilt University Information: David Robinson (505) 323-2386; (fax) (505) 323-3634; www.mensstudies.org

Monday, April 21st, 5 p m - 6 p m. Amherst , Massachusetts ·

Introduction to the Men's Resource Center

Come and visit the Men's Resource Center for an hour to learn about the work we do in the community. Location: Men's Resource Center; 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst. Information: (413) 253 -9887 ; sjoseph@mensresourcecenter.org

Sunday, April27

Concord, Newburyport, Salem, Worcester, Massachusetts

The Men's Initiative for Jane Doe (MIJD) is men's teams for April fundraising walks on Sunday April27 to "take steps" to end violence against women

and girls. Team leaders are being sought. Information : Contact MUD coordinato r Craig Norberg-Bohm, cnorbergbohm@janedoe org.

Friday, May 2 - Saturday, May 3

Cambridge, Massachusetts

Understanding Boys and Men

Learn the latest thi nking on the development of b oys and men with an emphasis on psych ological , sociological, educational and biological issues Topics to include : emotions, spirituality, violence , sports , father-son, malefemale, male-male relationships Intended for mental health professionals , educators , clergy and others concerned with boys and men. Conference directed by: William S Pollack, Ph .D. and judy Reiner Platt, Ed .D. Location: Royal So nesta Hotel. Information: Cambridge Hospital Professional Services, P.O Box 398075-lnman Square, Cambridge, MA 02139; (617) 503-3460; (Fax) (617) 503-3462. Email:cme@challiance org.

Saturday, May 3 , Noon - 4 p.m.

Northampton, Massachusetts

22nd Annual Northampton Pride March Peace Thrqugh Pride. March proudly at noon from Bridge Street School through downtown to rally site at Veteran's Field . Information: (413) 586-5602; info@nonhamptonpride .org.

May 9-11

Bangor; Pennsylvania Leaping Upon the Mountains: A Men's Abuse Recovery Weekend

Led by Mike Lew, M Ed., and Thorn Harrigan, L.l.C.S .W, of The Next Step Counseling in

Brookline , Mass ., this weekend worksh op for non-offending adult male survivors of sexual child abuse, rape , physical vi olence, emotional abuse , aband onment and!or neglect , offers a safe, encouraging, powerful environm ent of shared healing For men who are actively engaged in recovery work; not a substitute for therapy A lette r of recommendation from a therapist must accompany the registration form / deposit. Registration deadline: April 25th , space is limited ; register early.

Information: 7 PM Friday dinner through Sunday lunch : $295 ($150 registration deposit) . Send to : Kirkridge Conference and Retreat Centei; 2495 Fox Gap Road , Bangor, PA (610) 588-1793 ; kirkridge @ fast.net.

Thursdays, May 15- june 19, 7-9 p.m Amherst , Massachusetts

Men & Divorce

This Men's Resource Center 's new workshop series helps men find their way through the divorce process and reac h a success ful conclusion to this transition . Six Thurs day evenlngs . Cost: $90

Location : Men 's Resource Center, 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst

Information: Carl Erikso n, 253-9887, ext. 13; cerikson @mensresourcecenter.org

Friday, May 16 - Sunday, May 18 North Oxford, Massachusetts

Massachusetts Men's Gathering

Participant-led weekend with workshops, sweat lodge, talent show, poetry, fire circle Banon Conference Center. . Cost: Sliding $80-15 0

Information: Full description and photos at www massmensgathering org, or contact Chris Harding , charding@ tiac.net

Friday, May 16 - Sunday, May 18 Chestei; Connecticut

Connecticut Men's Gathering (COMEGA)

Men gathering to explore traditional, nontraditional, and changing views of masculinl ty COMEGA provides an open, trusting , noncompetitive environment for men of all ages , races and backgrounds to share and le arn from one another. Fathers are encouraged to bring older sons Cost: sliding scale $125-$ 165 Panial scholarships available Information: COMEGA, P.O Box 687 , · Hanford , CT 06142-0687 www.comega org; Kenj ohnson, (860) 633-7676 .

Saturday, May 31, 3-6 p.m Northamp ton, Massachusetts

The Men's Clothing Event

Quality men's clothing, some new, some not. D] , snacks, conversation Men and wome n welcome. All clothes in excell ent condi tion Portion of profits to benefit Men's Resource Center. Information: (413) 587-0997.

Friday, July 11 - Saturday, july 19 · Allagash_ River, Maine

Men's Wilderness Canoe Trip ·

Join a group of men on a journey by canoe in the Maine wilderness For more details, see brochure at: www rerurntothefire.com; Jody Grose, (2,03) 778-4393.

Saturday, July 19 - Sa tu rday, j uly 26

Pen obsco t Ri ve r, Maine Father (or Mentor) and Son Wilderness Canoe Trip

An exp erience for men and teenage yo ung men to explore nature while dee penlng a sense of self An opponunlty for men to mentor young men in their lives . Co-led by Paul Gemme For more details, see brochure at : www.returntothefire .com; jody Grose , (203) 778-4393.

The Power of Positive Eating

Bread & Circus WHOLE FOODS MARKET

• I

A NeVI Food Co-op the Pioneer Valley?

IT ' S HAPPENING

Join Todayl

Plans are under way to open River Valley Market this fall in Northampton! Your membership will help us reach our goals. Our new co-op will provide:

• An abundance of fresh local organic produce, meats, and dairy

• A full selection of natural and organic groceries • Flavorful , healthy, fresh ly prepared ready-to-eat foods • Natural supplements , herbs , and personal care goods

• Friendly, knowledgeable staff who care about food as much as you do • Monthly member-only specials

• And b es t of all the Members Own It!

WHY BECOME A FOUNDING MEMBER - OWNER TODAY?

• There's never been a better opportunity to open a fre s h new food co •op in the Pioneer Valley. As of March 2003 , we ' re already over halfway to our 2,500-member goal with over 1,500 founding member-owners . Each new membership moves us closer to opening!

• Your participation is important! Membership builds the foundation for the new co-op and membership keeps it strong after opening The co-op is 100% democratically member-owned-the $150 membership investments fund the business (No work is required )

•It feel s good to belong to our co·opl The co - op values the simple things that enharice every-day life : an abundan ce of fresh, local and organic food , good flavor, good h ealth, and a convenient , secure connes: tion to our food supply. Together, we'll create a community-based business that supports local farmers and makes solving "What ' s for dinner tonight? " a pleasure.

To join

Found