the Movement
.2,
By Rob Ok un
When I joined of men carrying signs proclrummg Men Walking to End Abuse" on a 40-mile hike from Springfield, Massachusetts, to Greenfield in early October, I didn' t expect we would permanendy put an end to domestic violence. But our public act was another example of men taking new steps-literally-in the ongoing effort to halt abusive behavior in our relationships , families , and communities.
For four days, we walked from Springfield through Holyoke, Northampton, Amherst , and South Deerfield en route to Greenfield-all communities that have suffered through the tragedy of family violence. The walk, organized by Voice Male's publisher, the Men's Resource Center, was designed to raise consciousness and money, and to inspire more men to take a stand to end domestic violence.
The MRC, with a staff of only 20 (many parttime) , knows it is a challenge to broadcast such a big message with scant resources. And our work was made more difficult this summer when we lost $54,000 in state contracts after the legislature cut our funding
Despite the financial setback, the MRC's reputation as a model of a commumty-based men's center has caught the attention of people in institutions near and far. Indeed, the MRC shared its message in japan this fall when Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE) program director Russell Bradbury-Carlin and MRC execunve director Steven Botkin (now on sabbatical) conducted a series of seminars about the organization's approach to working with men. Accompanied by board member Yoko Kato, credited with launching the movement to challenge domestic violence in her native country, they spoke to a wide range of people from the public and private sectors dunng a whirlwind two-week trip.
While it's great to see this work happening abroad, it is also encouraging to see men around the U.S organizing to challenge old male amtudes about domestic violence, including developmg innovative campus-based programs addressing sexual assault and partner violence as is happening at the Everywoman's Center at the University of Massachusetts-Amherst.
Despite these positive developments , we cannot rest. For a shift in men's consciousness about family and sexual violence to occur, men need to know that society has zero tolerance for such behaviors. Clergy need to address the issue from the pulpit. Teachers need to integrate it into the curriculum. Businesses , neighborhoods , and local government must be urged to sponsor education campaigns. State leaders-please listen up, Gov Romney-need to back up lip-service comminnents with adequate fundmg.
The growirig network of anti-violence activists continues to deepen its comminnent and broaden its connections. And Voice Male and the MRC will keep at it. We'll keep writing about it and the MRC will ket;p on walking the talk-in barterer intervention groups, general support groups,
fathering programs , and groups for young men on the journey to healthy manhood It may be premature to assess what impact a "men's walk to end abuse" will have What is known IS that as men continue walking forward, we will continue to make plain that men want to end violence not just in western Massachusetts or japan , but And as more and more people join us , we'll know we are not alone
****************
Men's richly varied experiences are the broad theme of this issue of Voice Male begmnmg , surprisingly, with the insights of activist and actress Jane Fonda. Her eye-opening cover story, "Poisoned Privilege : The Price Men Pay for Patriarchy" (page 8), reveals what she has learned about men from the vantage of what she calls the "third act " of her life The lives of men in their third act are in the minds of Charles Sternheim, Alexander J Rosen, and four other men who chronicle their six-decade journey of connection in "lifelong Friends" (page 10). Uan Strukweather's "He She and 'None of the Above' "(page 12) a fu:sh look at how traditional irJStitutions like fraternities are catching up to an evolving understanding of gender identity and consciousness. The struggle to recover from sexual addiction, and the redemptive power of healing and growth , is explored in 'The journey Home" (page 13) by writer 'joe C.," whose request for anonymity we honor And frequent conmbutor Michael Kimmel, the acclaimed author of numerous books about men and masculinity, turns his attention to the summer television surprise hit Queer Eye far the Straiifflt G1.!)1 (page 14) In this issue's Co lor Unes column, "Hey Bro, Check It Out!", Haji Shearer writes about the challenges and breakthroughs of working with fathers of color (page 15). In Notes from Survivors, Charlie Henan offers useful advice in "The Challenge of Healthy Dating" (page 16) and sour father-son relationships are reflected m two Fathering columns: one by managing editor Michael Burke, "Hoop Dreruns" (page 18), recalling his own youth while watching his eight-year-son discover the secret heart of basketball; andjqhn Badalament 's honest account of a father who fell shan, 'To Know and Be Known" (page 19). CA review of Badalament's documentary film , All Men Are Sons, appears on the same page .) In OutUnes: MRC support programs director Allan Amaboldi writes movingly about Gay Man's life After 50" (page 20), and Finally, don't miss Carl Erikson 's thoughtful review of the provocanve book The End of Gay, by Bert Archer (page 22). We always welcome your thoughts about the magazine , so write us at voicemale@mensresourcecenter.org or at 236 No. Pleasant St., Amherst , MA 01002 . Happy Fall! .
Administrative Staff
Interim Co-Directors _.: Rob Okun, Michael Dover
Director of Operations - Carl Erikso n Building Manager - Edgar Cancel
Executive Director - Steven Botkin (on sabbatical)
Men Overcoming Violence
Director - Russell Bradbury-Carlin
Clinical Supervisor - Sara Elinoff
Intake Coprdinatorlt;ourt Liaison - Steve Trudel
Partner Services Coordinator - Jan Eidelson
Franklin County Coordinator- Joy Kaubin
Hampden County Coordinator - Scott Girard
Group Leaders Arana, Eve Bogdanove. Karen Fogliatti, Scott Girard, Steve Jefferson, Joy Kaubin, Dot LaFratta, Gary Newcomb, Susan Omilian, Tom Sullivan, Steve Trudel
Youth Programs
Coordinator - Jeff Harris
Group Leaders - James Arana, Edgar Cancel, Julius Ford. Jeff Harris
!foice Male Magazine
Editor - Rob Okun
Managing Editor - Michael Burke
Designer - m. rajas design
Support Programs
- Director - Allan Arnaboldi
Support Group Facilitators - Allan Arnaboldi, Timothy Blake, Michael Burke, Andy Dennison, Jim
De vlin, Michael Dover, Darren Engstrom , Carl Erikson, Tim Gordon, Ken Howard, Shawn Johnson , Gabor Lukacs, Patrick McNamara, Rick Martin Bob Mazer, Jim Napolitan Rob Parte/, Nelson Pinette , Tom Schuyt, Chris Shanahan, Sheldon Snodgrass, Bob Sternberg, Gary Stone, John H. Thompson, Les Wright
Board of Directors
Chair - Peter Jessop
Vice Chair - Thom Herman
Clerk -Michael Dover
Treasurer - Sudhakar Vamathevan
Members -Charles Bodhi, Jenny Daniell. Lisa Frei/ag -Keshet, Nancy Girard, Tom Gardner, Jack Hornor, Yoko Kato, Brenda L6pez, Mathew Ouellet
Editor's Note
Opin ions expressed herein may not represent the views of all stall, board, or members of the MRC. We welcome letters, articles, .news ilems, article ideas, and events of interest. We encourage unsolicited manuscripts, but cannot be responsible for their loss. Manuscripts will be returned and responded to if accompanied by a stamped return envelope. Send to Voice Mafe, 236 No Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002; voicemale@mensresourcecentewrg.
' Advertising
For rates and aeadlines calf Voice Male Advertising a/413-253-9881, Ext 20.
A into Sabbatical
By Steven Botkin
0ver the past few years the demands of being executive director of the Men's Resource Center have loomed ever larger around me. Addressing the needs of a growing staff, managing limited an,d multiple , unpredictable funding sources, developing relationships with diverse constituencies, and responding to cdtJStantly\>aried requests for services stretched th e limits of tny time management , multitasking, and human relations skills-especiall sinc e l maintained a private counseling practice and was in tl1e MRC office only three days each week
Yes , I was very good at doing these things , and kept getting better. After all , l had been doing this with the MRC since its beginning almost 21 years ago. And this continued to give me profound satisfaction: a sense of connec tion , community, and social action. It was obvious that I was needed , that my presence as executive director was making a difference.
And yet , at the same time, a frustration was growing within me. No matter how hard or efficiently I worked, me growing size and complexity of the orgariization left little time and attention available for creative visioning. My spiri t, which thrives in the limitless realms of imagination, was getting tired of waiting.
So I bartled inside between my idea of ootrunitment (interwoven with my fear of •abandonment) and the longing of my spirit. With every new opportunity and challenge at me MRC I kep t co nvin cing mys elf that the time was not right to take a break. I have long been •accustomed to sacrificing some of my spirit to me demands of life.
But the MRC is founded on the principle that caring for th e s pirit in ourselves and in each other is essential for our mission. Last year, the executive committee began encouraging me to consider taking a sabbatical , a op.e-year break from tl1e position of executive director They lovingly suggested that this would not only serve me , but wou ld also be an important gift to the MRC. . It took me many months to really understand the simple rruth of this idea-that taking care of myself, even when it meant time away from tl1e MRC, really was in the best interests of me organization. 1 had to let go of the habit of see ing myself as indispensable . l had to believe that the benefits of fostering new organizational strengilis and leadership outweighed me disruptions and challenges my departure would create l had to understand that my alm ost uninterrupted presence as clirector.for the entire ,history of the organization was a liability as well as a s trength . And I had to know that mis was not a judgment of my job performance .
.,
With the clear and consistent encouragement and support of the board and s taff, these uncjersrandings began to set tl e in me As soon as I saw that th e sabbatical wo uld not be something I was dojng alone, but, in fact , someiliing we were doing together-the next stage in this long-term experiment of creating a socially transforming organization-! was ready.
Then, of course, came the challenge of how to manage this transition. Even as I worked harder man evet; detennined to leave the MRC as healthy and stable as possible, my colleagues and friends supported me in letting go. I was particularly eager to lay a foundation of financial stability and, with me help of mimy staff, developed a balanced budget for the upcoming year. When this was approved by the board in june l thought I had put the pieces together enough to leave .
The final' challenge came the following month , when state budget cuts eliminated $54,000 of our funding. What happened next confirmed, rather than undermined, my sabbatical resolve I realized that, no matter how hard I worked, I would never tie up all the loose ends. At the same time I saw a new leadership emerging throughout the orga nization that was ready and willing to taKe on the challenges. Toget\1er we made the difficult, and sometimes painful, decisions necessary to respond to this dramatic loss of funding It was clear that we were ready for my year of sabbatical.
l am eager to see how me MRC is able to flourish in new ways while l am away. I am eager to see how I am able to flourish in new ways without me demands of managing me MRC. I will continue my private counseling practice rwo days each week. As you read this I am traveling to japan , with MOVE director Russell-Bradbury Carlirl and MRC board member Yoko Kato, to present a series of seminars on the MRC and our domestic violence prevention work. I will reflect, write , work)p my garden, and most of all liSten-to others, to myself, and to the voices of spirit.
While Steven Botkin is on sabbatical, Rob Okun and Michael Dover are serving as co-d irectors of the MRC. You can still co ntact Steven at SDBotkin@aol.com, and sign up for the monthly MRC e-mail newsletter to updates on hi s sabbatical
MAIL BONDING
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Write us! Please sen d double-spaced letters to: VOICE
MALE
MRC
236 North Ple asa nt St. Amhers t, MA 01 002 or FAX (413) 253-4881
E-mail: voicemale@mensresourcecen ter.01g
Please inclu de address and phone
Letters may be edited for clarity and length . , Deadline for the Wmter 2004 Issue i s january 16, 2004.
New Texas Men 's Center
The Men's Reso urce Center of Ce ntral Texas is up and running We 've got a co up le of things going-a dro p-in supp ort gro up and a pending gr ant fo r a d om es tic v io l ence com mu ni ty ac tio n program We're incorpo rated , and have a s mall interim bo ar d My co mp a trio t Rick Webster and I are taking things pre tty slowwe both have oth er com mitme nt s-but the response to the support group has bee n pretty good so far We've connected with a local church, and they are willing to give us referrals . So, we'll see how it all pl ays out! '
Sorry to hear about th e 54K cut in the MOVE progra m-i t 's a sign of the times, and quite un fo rru na te. Texas has ta ke n a huge hi t in social service offerings as well.
Our web site may be found at www.mrc- tx.org, or interested readers may also co ntact us at Men's Resource Center of Central Texas , P.O Box 2683 , Fredericks burg, 1X 78624 Phone : (830) 99229 11 ; (83 0) 997-7745 E-mail : info @mrc-tx.org. j osh Abra ms Fredericksb urg, Texas
TGIF
When I went for the first time to the men's group that meets on Fri day nights (the Me n's Resource Center 's group in Amh ers t for men who suffered childhood abu se, tra um a, or neglect ] 1 found it enlightening and insp iring 1 have not felt this good in a ver y lo ng time . My therapist had been trying for seve ral years to get me to attend one of the grou ps, bu t 1had much trepidation He actually bro ught me th ere once after one of our sessions to help allevia te my fears , but still I didn't com e Well , I went and it was wonderful. Intellectually I've kn own that this was a place where one could be completely safe in expressing themselves , but st ill certa in fears existed 1 no longe r feel th at way and know now emotionally th at 1 can be safe and free to express my feelings. I have mu ch work to do and need to go to one of the ot h er groups as well , but 1 feel now that th ere is th e possibility for me to confront myself on certai n issu es and fi nally adm it them to myse lf and to others Do tng that in a group s u ch as th e MRC provides is an excellent way fo r me to start that process
The facilitators , Tom and Darren , were excellent, especially Thm , who helped to draw me out and h elped me to relax and op en up more. These groups are a tremendous res ource for men I know 1will continue to use these groups 1 appreciate the fact tha t it takes a lot of time and attention on the pan of many, and a lot of love to accomplish what the Men's Resourc e Center ac complishes Your efforts are well worth it.
Tony Gregory Springfield , Mass.
Overcoming Depression
I was reading a copy of Voice Mal e and loved the article abou t men recovering from dep ression Journey, a New Spiritu al Home, " by Bob Sternb erg , Voice Male Su mmer 2003 ). What amazing courage it must have taken to tell his stor y lt was fas cinating and very moving. It always is when men op en up Being aro un d a gentl e man who has never really done it I am gra teful for any insights int o th e male psyc he.
j anice Doya ma
Am hers t, Mass .
Internal Mediation -Life Beyond Therapy
Believe in Men
I have been facili tating a men 's support group here in So uth Texas for the last six months . We meet weekly at the local domestic violence and sexual assault cente r. For two weeks recently, men were not coming to group and I was getting conc ern ed Perhaps I would have to start from scratch or swjtc h the location, time , or day My wife Cyn thia and I prayed that men would join me for grou p Ou r prayers were answered. Seven men ca me to the next group , five for the firs t time 1 was tru ly moved by the men in our circle : Enco urage the men in your life to attend such gro ups!
Emiliano Diaz de Leon Men 's Reso urce Center of South Texas Harlingen , Texas
Edi tor's No te: Th e Men 's Resource Center of So uth Texas now has a web presence. To visit it go to www. mensres ource.o rg ; their link is at th e bo ttom
·Take
the e·Train ·
"Internal Mediation " is based on "The Work of Byron Katie " and Thorn Herman is a certified Pract itione r of the Work. Internal Mediation is a simple and radical process that fundamentally al te rs our relationship to our thoughts
Thorn can be invited to prese nt Internal Medi ation to groups in a workshop setting When invited Thorn works by donation. He also wo rks with clients individually through his psychotherapy practice in Northampto n and Greenfie ld , MA. ,0
For more infonnation check out Thorn's web site at: hom Beerman, 413 :374.1330
·· ·e- mail: thom herman@t#Jl com
Three Community Activists Receive Challenge & Change Awards
The Men's Resource Center's Eighth Annual Challenge & to social change extends well beyond the workplace. "I have Otange Celebration takes place Sunday, November 16, from been a peace activist for much of my adult life," she repons. 11 a.m. to 2 p.m., at the Log Cabin Banquet& MeetingHouse "I have done civil disobedience over 50 times, and spent 10 in Holyoke, Mass. This year's award recipientS include Ronn days in prison in W!shington, D.C., after the first Women's Johnson, Gail Kielson (Woman's Award), and Ozzie Klare Pentagon Action." She and her husband David , an accountant Memorial Youth Award recipient Jesse Maceo Vega-Frey. and formerMRC board:membet; have three grown daughters
Ronn johnson is a clinical social worker, educator, who live in Boston, Northampton, and communitY activist, agency administrator, consultant and jesse Maceo Vega-Frey is an artist, the coordinator of the mentor. He is vice president of Child & Family Services for Contemplative Net Project for the Center for Contemplative the Center for Human Development, Inc., overseeing one of Mind in Society in Northampton, where he has helped MassachusettS' largest and most diverse child and family research and tell the story of people across the country who service delivery systems. Ronn representS CHD on numerous are bringing contemplative practices such as meditation and local and statewide boards and committees, including serving yoga into their work. He is also associate director of the as c;on':ener. and chairperson of the Springfield City-Wide Durham, N.C.-based stone circles,. an organization helping Violence Prevention Task Force, immediate past president support activists and strengthen their work for justice through of the board of directors for the Martin Luther King Jr. the use of spiritual practice and principles Community Center, and president of the Springfield School
After graduating from Maealester College in 2000, Jesse System's School to Work Partnership. Most recently he has moved to Sanjuan, Pueno Rico, "in order to provide myself been working with the MRC to establish a Springfield-based with the conditions to explore my an more fully" Returning group called FAMILY (For All Men Interested in the Uves to his hometown of Holyoke was meant to be temporary, but of Youth). A graduate of Western New England College, he in Holyoke "l felt a growing sense that I had something to received his master's degree from Cambridge College. He and offer my home community and that I could benefit greatly his Wife Donna have a son in college and a daughter in middle from all of the conditions and opportunities that life here school. Ronn and Donna founded the Brianna Fund for would provide." Now 25,Jesse recalled working two summers Children with Physical Disabilities, a local charity named for on the Deerfield, Mass., organic farm of Wally and juanita their daughter that provides funds and advocacy and promotes Nelson, where "I was introduced to a good deal of-nonviolent community awareness of the issues faced by children who ' theory as well as some practices." (The f.an:n is located have mobility and access challenges in Springfield. on land adjoining the Trap;ock Peace Center; Wally Nelson, Gail Kielson is project director for the Northern Hilltowns Challenge & Change Award who dieci in 2002, was a Challenge & Change Award recipient 1 d b f Pal recipients (top to bottom) : ) b f th l ke , Domestic Vio ence Project an a mem er o oma House Jesse Ma ceo Vega-Frey, Gail in 1999 A mem er o e Ho yo Mayor s Peace Initiative , Inc., a therapy collective in Northampton that provides free Kielson , Ronn]ohnson Jesse says his Buddhist meditation practice "direcdy supportS and loyv-cost therapy for women and children who have '-----.:._-----' my work in the world,''. experienced violence Born and raised i.n New York, she received her To participate in this xea:r's & Change Celebration , become bad).elor's degree from :Cornell University and her master's of social a patron, sponsor or J{'ost or buy to the November 16th work in 1973 from New York University. Before assuming her current celebra tion For more information OrtO purchase tic kets , go to position , Gail worked as an outreach family therapist at the River Valley www. mensre5ourcecen'ter.orglc&c.html or contact Allan Amaboldi at Clinic in H.olyoke and at Necessities/Necesidades (now Safe Passage), first aamaboldi@mensresourcecenter.org, phone (413) 253-9887 , ext. 10. as direct·service co-ordinator and then as co-director. Gail's commitment
Bringing MOVE to East Africa
On a balmy afternoon in June , in a small village in East Africa , clinical psychologist Amy Kahn spoke to a group of about 30 women and many children, who had climbed up a twisting path to an unfinished schoolhouse with a large room in which they could gather. Straw mars on the floor and a few wooden benches provided seating A heavy rain began to fall outside, which, coupled with the lack of windows , provided the air conditioning. Kahn , a psychotherapist whose pra ctice is in Northampton, Mass. , was there to talk about domestic violence, having been invited by a women's Bible study group She says she was warmly welcomed-despite U.S. State Dep.amnent "Do Not Travel " warnings for the region and the sensitivity of the subject matter (for these reasons, she asked that neither the village nor the country be identified by name) And she had an invisible ally by her side: the Men's Resource Center. "I started my talk by stressing that domes tic yiolence occurs all over the world, " says Kahn }'I told the story of th e murder of a woman by her husband in the area I was from, and I told · bout the work of the Men 's Resource Center [to prevent domestic abuse]. Then I handed out the MOVE cards and people looked at them carefully There was a translator who translated both my talk and the infonnation on the cards. "
The cards, a version of which is reprinted on page 6, are from the MRC's Men Overcoming
Violence program (MOVE), and begin with the question , "Is This You? ", followed by a list of abusive actions . The flip side of the cards asks, "Is This Someone You Know? ", followed by the same list. The cards urge anyone who answers "yes" to any of the questions to get help "I asked if domestic violence was a problem in that community," she says. "The expressions and nods told me that it was, in fu.ct, a..serious concern. The translator said I should look at the older · women in the group and see how they were n od ding. She explained that while domestic violence is still a problem , it used to be much mo re pervasive Up until recently, women in this country were considered to be the property of their husbands , and subject to verbal and physical abuse 'She said the current government was having some impact on this attitude by
encouraging women to pursue higher ed ucation and careers "
In her talk , Kahn emphasized redu cing the secrecy surrounding dome s tic violenc e and identifying people in the community who can provide counseling.and suppon to both victims and perpetratOrs of abuse. She talked aboyt methods perpetrators can employ tO respond nonviolently in domesti c disput es, such as taking deep breaths , walking out of the room, or praying in an angry mom ent , rather than striking out physically.
The translatoi; says Kalm , then said she regretted that the men of the community were not present. '1\t this, I directed my attention to th e collection of young boys who were there and spoke direcdy to them," Kalm says. "I stressed that people can (continued on next page)
(contin ued from previous page)
talk abo ut their differences without yelling or hitting each other. I also mentioned the concept of mutu al co ns ent regard ing sexual relations between m en and women, and stated that forcing sexual contact on a woman was a form of abuse That started a wave of embarrassment, but I was aware of how special this moment was, and I didn't want to leave ou t a ny form of abus e."
Kahn ended her presentation wi th a reflection on what the women might do if they knew a friend o r neighbor was being abused. They dis cu sse d the valu e of h aving a safe person for victims and p e rp etrators to talk to, such as r eligious lead ers a nd "wise women " in the community. Kahn urged the women to continue the discussion , and to adapt the MOVE cards in their own language for their own purposes , including the names and addresses of community m embers who could be trusted "I was grateful to h ave an opportunity to talk about domestic violence to this group of rural women and children ," says Kahn. "I wanted to leave the group with a concrete intervention to enable them to act on this informa tio n , and th e MOVE cards were a great tool. In parting, I enco uraged the members of this group to contact the Men's Resource Center and MOVE for further guidance on addressing the problem of domestic violence in their community I think it' s inspiring to know that the work of the MRC really translates to other cultures and countries ."
From Kyrgyzstan to Amherst
A resea r che r from Kyrgyzstan (the Kyrgyz Republic) is spending the fall months at the Men's Resource Center studying "men's crisis centers" in th e United States. Zarina Turukmanova, a program asso ciate a nd activist working for the Unite d Nations Poverty Reduction Program in Talas , Kyrgyzstan , is in the United States courtesy of the Contemporary Issues Fellowship Program , spon sor ed by the Bureau of Educational and Cultural Affairs of the U S. State Department While here, Zarina will be learning about the work of the MRC and other men's centers in th e U S with an eye toward taking what she learns back to her home co untry and trying to start similar groups there Kyrgyzstan is located in Central Asia, and was part of the former Soviet Union
.?
learn to change. Call us to schedule a confidential appointment with one of our train ed staff We can h elp before it ls too
"We have no men's organizations in the Republic , in terms of support for men ," says "The collapse of the Soviet Union was hard p 'eriod for women, so most nrn.a,.,m <> concentrated on women. I think we forgot the men ."
In October, Zarina traveled to Boston participate in a training for prospec facilitators of barterers' treatment groups. "I really like this office [the MRC]," she says. "You have a lot of programs here We have men's centers , and maybe lO women's and shelters in Kyrgyzstan It's a very country, with a different mentality the people and a different culture and of education. I will see what I can take from here ."
At-Home Dads on the Rise
The number of stay-at-home dads in United States remains·. small but is growing. Government data show that 20 percent of preschoolers in mame:a-c:o1 households are cared for by their taU1eTI;---l which maynot,?Ound like much, but it's up 17 percent in 1997 , according to the Census Bureau. And the number of livingwith at-home dads has shot up 70 since 1990, to over 2 5 million So while fathers still make up a small percentage of in the United States, they're coming woodwork-and the kitchen, and the changing station-and seeking each other on playgrounds and online .
Resources available to help at-home dads each other, cope with the isolation of home with kids , and get help with chtl.d-nlistrtl!l and fathering issues include ,the At-Home Network, Slowlane .com, and Proud Dads, all helping to make at-home dads a phenomenon. Books such as libby Gill's Home Dads: The Essential Guide to · New Famiry and Hogan Hilling's The Would Be Dad also se.rve ;15 references for har1cts--ot1 fathers and demonstrate the emergence of home dads as an increasingly significant And while there's no question that good news for men and their children , it's a positive thing for many women--esnec:ial.lvi working mothers. Having fathers at home ' the kids helps them to pursue their own goals and not fall victim to either the ceiling" at work or the dreaded "second home. Ar the top of the scale, more than one:-thl:ldl of the women on Fortune magazine's 50 most powerful women in business husband at home either full- or pan-time.
to figures fourld by Women 's Enews,
a while wom en on average still earn 76 cents for every d o llar earned by m en, 15 percent o f wives
n ow e a rn at le as t $ 5 , 000 mor e th a n their hu Sb ands. That numb e r may grow as young
0 women pull ahead of m en in higher edu cation ,
•e , according to U .5 Census data.
Fo r more inform a tion , c h ec k o ut these s ites:
s. Slowlan e.com , proucjdads.co m , wo mensen ews org ,
O and www.an ge lfir e.co m/ zi n e2/ athom edad ! rs athomedad .net (At-Home Dad N etwo rk).
DADS Targets Sexist Ads
The Minn esota-bas e d nonprofit Dad s and Daughters CqAOS) has laun{; hed another ac tion campaign, tills time taking aim at Abercrombie & Fitch . Some of" the national clothing retailer 's ads , both in its catalog and in store-window and mall displays, featu re overtly sexualized photos of nude, apparently girls' and boys that leave little to the imagination . DADS cllarges that these images are and even "pornographic," and is seeking to h ave th e co mpany pull the ads by putting pressure on its boata of directors , and on CEO Michael S Jeffries Abercrombie' s directors , ironically, are people who "lead o r are promin ent in committ ed to e ducation , communi ty "building , and/o r girls ' empowerment, " according to a s tatem e nt o n th e DADS website , ' Th ese includ e top offi ci al s from Colg a t e U niversity, Vande rbilt Univers ity, Simmo ns Co llege , and O hio State Univers ity; the chairw oman 'o f a Tennessee Girl Scout Council ; and th e first U.S. w oman to walk in spac e (and winner o f the Girl Scou ts of the U .S. Wo man of Distin e tion award) . DADS pres id e nt Jo e Kelly hop es th a t b y p o inting out these lead ers' ties to groups with a high moral purp ose , th e organization will put pressure on them , and o n Ab erc romb ie & Fi tch , to withdraw the ads So far n e ith er th e co mpany nor i ts d irec tors have comm ente d , and last year, wh en so m e G: hristian groups "m o unte d a ca m paign agains t A&F 's thon g , underWear fo r young girls-wh ich h ad th e wo rds • "ey e.J candy" printe d on · th e m-th e ! '"'· co mp a:n ysimilarly refu se d to bac k d o wn But &p e c t DADS 'to keep up the fight. · Fdr more informatio n o r to ge t invo lve d , go to DADS ' websi te , da dsa ndda ughters.org.
AJapanese Men's Center?
Th e m essage of the Men ' s Resource Center h as r eac h e d J apan In October, MRC exe cutive direc tor Steven Botkin and the MRC's Men O ve rc oming Vio l ence progra m dir ec tor Ru sse ll Bradb u ry-Ca rlin , along with MRC board m e m ber Yoke Kate, crisscrossed Ka te 's native lan d fo r two weeks giving p resenta tio n s abou t dom estic vio len ce and , s p ecifi cally, ho w m en can w o rk to a dd ress this issue in J apan Wh e th er their trip sparks interest in crea tin g m en 's ce nters modele d ' aft er th e MRC r em ains to be seen Yoke h as trave led to J apan many ti mes over th e last few ye ars to help in the growing effort to e nd d o m est i c viole n ce t h e r e , and h as been int erview e d ab o u t her wo r k o n both U.S . a nd
Jap anese ra di o. Th e MRC's MOVE program h as b een fe a tu re d on J apan ese television twice in th e p as t several years. Steve n is using s om e of his sabb atical tim e (see page 3) to m ake contact wi th .' oth er m en 's centers and like-minde d organ izations aro u nd th e coun try a nd around th e wo rld.Russe ll sh are d h is expert ise directin g th e nearly 15 year-o ld MRC b a rte re rs ' intervention program · with offi cials aro und Ja p an . Wa tc h a m ore extensive on th e trip in an u p co ming iss u e o f Vo ice Ma le
Before I turned 60 I thought I was a feminist. I was in a way-I worked to register women to vote, I supponed women getting elected. I brought ge nder issues into my movie roles, I encouraged women to get strong and healthy, I read the books we've all read. I had it in my head and partly in my hean , yet I didn't fully get it.
See , although I've always been financially independent , and professionally and socially successful, behind the closed doors of my personal life I was still turning myself into a pretzel so I'd be loved by an alpha male. I thought if I didn' t become whatever he wanted me to be , I'd be alone , and then, I wouldn't exist.
There is not the time nor is this the place to explain why this was rrue, or why it is such a common theme for so many otherwise strong, independent women. Nor is it the time to tell you how I got over it (I'm writing my memoirs , and all will be revealed) . What's important is that I did get over it.
Early on in my third act I found my voice and , in the process , I have ended up "alone " but not really You see, I'm with myself and this has enabled me to see feminism more clearly It's hard to see clearly when you're a pretzel.
So I want to tell yo u briefly some of what I have learned in this first part of my third act and how it relates to what, I think , needs to happen in terms of a revolution.
Because we can't just talk about women being at the table-it's too late for that-we have to think in terms of the shape of the table. Is it hierarchical or circular (metaphorically speaking)? We have to think about the quality of the men who are with us at the table, the culture that is hovering over the table that governs how things are decided and in whose interests. This is not just about glass ceilings or politics as usual This is about revolution , and I have finally gotten to where I can say that word and know what I mean by it and feel good about it because I see, now, how the future of the earth and everything on it including p1en and boys depends on this happening.
Let me say something about men: obviously, I've had to do a lot of thinking about men , especially the o'nes who've been important in my life, ·and what I've come to realize is how damaging patriarchy has been for them. And all of them are smart, good men who want to be considered the "good guys." But the Male Belief System, that compartmentalized , hierarchical, ejaculatory, androcentric power srructure that is Patriarchy, is fatal to the hearts of men, to empathy and relationship
Yes, men and boys receive privilege and status from patriarchy, but it is a poisoned privilege for which they pay a heavy price. If traditional, patriarchal socialization takes aim at girls' voices, it takes aim at boys ' hearts-makes them lose the deepest, most sensitive and empathic parts of th emse lves Men aren't even allowed to be depressed , which is why they engage so often in various forms of self-numbing, from sex to alcohol and drugs to gambling and workahohsm. Paniarchy strikes a Faustian bargain with men Patriarchy sustains itself by breaking relationship. I'm referring here to real relationship , the showing-up kind, not the 'Til stay with him 'cause he pays the bills , or because of the kids, or because if I don ' t I will cease to exist, " but relationship where you, the wol1).an, can acknowledge your partner's needs while
You know why? Because when they are real , little (I learned this from Carol Gilligan), like five years or younger, boys internalize the message of what it takes to be a "real man." Sometimes , it comes through their fathers who beat it into them. Sometimes it comes because no one around them knows how to connect with their emotions. (fhis is a generational thing.) Sometimes it comes because our culture rips boys from their mothers before they are developmentally ready. Sometimes it comes because boys are teased at school for crying Sometimes it's the subliminal messages from teachers and the media. It can be a specific trauma that shuts them down But , I can assure you, it is tru e to some extent of many if not most men, and when the extreme version of it manifests itself in our nation's leaders, beware!
simultaneously acknowledgiilg and tending to your own. I work with young girls and I can tell you there's a whole generation who have not learned what a relationship is supposed to feel like-that it's not about leaving themselves behind.
Now, every group that 's been oppressed has its share of Uncle Toms , and we have our Aunt Toms. I call them venailoquists for the patriarchy. I won ' t name names but we all know them. They are women in whom the toxic aspects of masculinity hold sway. It should neither surprise nor discourage us. We need to understand it and be able to explain it to others , but it means , I think, that we should not be just about getting a woman into this position or that. We need to • look at "is that woman intact emotionally," has she had to forfeit h er empathy gene somewhere ' along the way for whatever reason?
And then, of course, there are what Eve Ensler calls Vagina-Friendly men, who choose to remain emotionally literate. It 's not easy for them-look at the names they get called: wimp, pansy, pussy, soft, limp , momma 's boy. Men don' t like to be considered "soft" on anything, which is why more don't choose to join us in the circle. Actually, most don ' t have the choice to make.
Another thing I've learned is that there is a fundamental contradiction not just between patriarchy and relationship, but between patriarchy and democracy. Patriarchy masquerades as democracy, but i t's an anathema. How can it be democracy when someone h as to always be above someone else, when women , who are a majority, live within a social constru c t that discriminates against them, keeps th em from having their full human rights? But just because patriarchy has ruled for 10 ,000 years since the beginning of agriculture, doesn' t m ake it inevitable.
Maybe at some earlier stage in human evolution , patriarchy was what was needed just for the species to survive. But today, there 's nothing threatening the human species but human s. We've conquered our predators , we've subdued nature almost to extinction, and there are no more frontiers to conquer or to escape into so as to avoid having to deal with the mess we've left behind. Frontiers have always given capitalism, patriarchy's economic face, a way to avoid dealing with its shortcomings Well , we're having to face them now in this post-fronti er era and inevitably-especially when we have leaders
) who suffer from toxic masculinity-that leads to war, the conquering of new markets, and the destruction of the earth.
However, it is altogether possible that we are on th e verge of a tectonic s h ift in paradigmsthat.what we are seeing happening today are the paroxysms, the final tenible death throes of the old, no longer workable, no longer justifiable system. Look at it this way: it's patriarchy's third act and we have to make sure i t 's its last.
It 's possible that the extreme, neo-conservative version of patriarchy which makes u p our current execu tive branch will overplay its hand and cause the house of cards to co ll apse. We know that this new "preventive war" doctrine wi ll p ut us on a permanent war footing. We know there
can't be guns and butter, right? We learned that with Viemam. We know that a Pandora 's box has been opened in the Middle East an d that the administration is not prepared for the complexities that are emerging. We know that friends are becoming foes and angry young Mu slims with no connection to Al Qaeda are becoming terrorists in greater numbers. We know that with the new tax plan the rich will b e b etter off an d the rest will be poorer We know w h a t h ap pens when poor yo u ng men and women can ,only get jobs by joini n g the military, and what happens when they come home and discover that the day after Congress passed the "Support O u r Troops" Resolution, $25 billion was cut fro m the VA budget. We know that already, families of servicemen have to go on welfare and are angry about it
So, as Eve Ensler says, we have to change the verbs from obliterate, dominate, humiliate, to liberate, appreciate, celebrate We have to make s ure that head and heart can be reunited in the body politic, and relationship and democracy can be restored.
We nee d to really understand the dep th and breadth of what a shift to a new, feminine paradigm would mean , how fundamentally central it is to every single other thing in the world. We win, everything wins , including boys, men, and the earth. We have to really understand this and be able to make it concrete for o th ers so they will be able to see what feminism really is and see themselves in it.
So our challenge is to commi l ourselves to creating the tipping point and the tu rning point. The ti m e is ripe to launch a unified na tional movement-a campaign, a tidal wave, bui lt around issues and values, not candidates.
That's why V-Day, The Whi te House Project and their many allies are parmering to hold a national women's convention somewhere in the heartland, in june of 2004. Its p u rpose will be to inspire and mobilize women and vagina-friendly men around the 2004 elections and to b u ild a new movement that will coalesce our energies and forces aro u nd a politics of caring.
The convention will put forward a fresh, clear, and concise platform of issues , and build the spirit , energy, and power base to hold the candidates accountable for them There will b e a diversity of women from across the counrry who will participate in the mobilization. There will be a special focus on involving young women. There will be a variety of performers and artists acknowledging that culture plays a powerful role in political action. There will be a concurrent Internet mobilization. Women's organizations will be asked to sign on and send representatives to the convention.
There will be a caravan, a rolling tour across the cou ntry, of diverse women leaders, ce lebrities and activists who will work with local organizers to bu ild momentum , sign people up , register them to vote, get them organized , and leave behind a tool kit for futrher mobilization through the election and beyond
This movement will be a volcano that will erupt in a flow of soft, hot , empathic, breathing, authentic , vagina-friendly, relational lava that will encircle patriarchy and smother it. We will be the flood and we'll be Noah 's ark: "V" for Vagina, for Vo te, for Victory.
Lifelong Friends
A Group of Older Men Gather to Discuss Their Lives, Their Futures, and the Old Days in Brooklyn
By Alexander J. Rosen , Paul Pechter, Leroy H. Pelton , Steven G . Levenson , Leonard M. Weiss and Charles E. Sternheim
None of us is as smart as all of us ." Although the six of us have followed different paths since childhood and have arrived at distinct and, in some cases, contrasting viewpoints on some issues , we would all agree with that adage. Now in our 60s, we understand that we all need help in developing insight into o urselves and the world in which we live. And who better to tum to than old friends?
We were born near the beginning of World War ll, within a year and within a few miles of each other in Brooklyn. Five of us met as very young children-some before kindergarten and some in grade school. And we welcomed the comparative newcom er to the group as an 18-year-old Almost like brothers, we share similar ethnic and social origins: all jewish, all middle to lower middle class. We did the usual kid stuff growing up together: playing stickball, handball, and kick-the-can, going to Ebbers Field to see the Dodgers play, cruising Ocean Parkway on Saturday nights , lis tening to Alan Freed 's rock-and-roll show on the radio. As adults we went our separate ways--only one of us remained in New York-and although some of us stayed in touch and visited over the years, it was not until we were around 60 that we decided to get together; all of us, for a few days. We wanted to preserve our old connections because of their emotional significance, and at this age we begin to face the fact that our lifetimes are limited One of us also had the vision that b y getting together in this way, we might enter into a deeper level of emotional sharing about our individual journeys We welcomed the challenge. So we arranged to live with each other for three days In 2001 we all met at a resort in the Catskills in New York. We chose the Catskills because we had all worked there as busboys and waiters when we were in our early 20s There was lots of talk about personal and issues. We had a lot of fun tbgether. We discovered that we still enjoy one another 's company, and we have the ability to share personal aspects of our lives and concerns for our futures with one another-with these old friends who know u s and know where we've come from
We found this first gathering so rewarding that we decided to do it again, at least every other year. During our most recent time together, in the Berkshires this past june , we met Steven Botkin, executive director of the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts. He told us about one of the MRC's tenets , that as men "We recognize our need to be caring for ourselves and for each othe1 ; and we are learning how to express these needs honestly and responsibly. "
We agree with that as a guiding principle , and it 's what we s trive for when we come together. Our "enc ounters" are somewhere )Jetween a structured meeting and a gathering of friends , and each of us has somewhat
All Men
different visions of the balance between the two. Although some prefer more inforrnalicy and spontaneity, others are inclined toward more structure as a way to coax out deeper feelings . Our strength, overall, lies in our sensitivity to one another's needs and our willingness to explore different formats. · '
Based on our discussions with other men our age and with women , . we have come to realize that we are very unusual . We may not be unique, but no one we have met has heard of a group of men in theit early 60s who have beert friends since childhood and who are still getting together on a regular basis-much less sharing deep emotional thoughts and feelingsdespite the fact that we now live in six different ' locatio ns ranging from Brooklyn to San Diego. But we don' t really look at what we're doing as primarily a generational thing We feel that it 'is a deeply enriching and important life experience for men who were once close to get together and renew ties-which, as we've discovered, are now truly lifelong ties.
In closing, permit each of us to say in jus t a few words what we've learned from each other, about ourselves or about the world in which we live as a result of our gatherings: PAUL "The power of hearing each other's stories in a group is magnified many fold by the fact that we share a common history I find
Are Sons: Exploring the Legacy of Fatherhood,
a new PBS documentary film, follows five men trom diverse backgrounds over the course of a year, as each explores his relationship with his father This film is ideal for use in educational and therapeutic settings, such as fatherhood programs, schools, universities , mental health agencies, corrections departments, group therapy, and addiction treatment centers I : ·'
To order All Men Are Sons, ca/11-800-343-5540
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To learn more about All Men Are Sons, the new 8-sesslon Curriculum and Trainings, visit us at www.allmenaresons;com ' ·
"All Men Are Sons is thoughtful and layered with emotional subtleties that men rarely express, especially in terms of their relationships with their fathers (and their sons) n
- The Los Angeles Times
John Badalament, Ed.M. Harvard, is a national lectu re r and the ' director/producer of All Men Are 'Sons. He leads trainings and presents 1 • keynote addresses to schoo l facolties and students, fatherhood mental health professionals , parent groups, non -profi ts, and univer.sities ,
To learn more about the film, curriculum and trainings, visit us at www.allmenaresons.com.
hearing and telling about our journeys generates feelings and connections otherwise unobtainable. "
ALEX "Each time we meet I learn more about what it means to be a participant in a caring community, about how style and substance may generate conflict but goodwill always prevails. After a half century, we continue to become even closer "
LEROY "The rappon we had as kids never departs from us Our interactions are energetic , invigorating, and best of all, ultimately caring and loving We continue to learn from each other, inquire into all aspects of life and community, and rejoice in the great friendship we all cherish ."
STEVE "We do not think of ourselves as old, and perhaps we never will as long as we continue our group meetings . When we meet many issues are discussed and we recount numerous incidents in our lives . Some are of difficult situations and evoke empathy, and some are very funny and evoke heany laughter. We share them all ."
LEN "In our personal time together, the camaraderie is unmatched, the conversation brisdes with every political, social, and personal morsel. Amazingly, conflicts and egos have not surfaced. If group interactions get too emotional or painful , the group suppon is there The humm; · the reminiscences, the nostalgia help to reinforce those childhood and teen experiences, but more imponandy we are living today and sharing that moment with each other in a personal, caring wc:y."
CHUCK "It should not be left unsaid that this group of guys, for as long as I can remember; has always cared very deeply about the less fonunate . More often than not we argue about what it is we should do or what our country should do to help the disadvantaged. lO me the intensity of the discussions is a sign of how deeply people care And as Alex points out , 'When people come together for any length of time some conflict is inevitable What is imponant is how we deal with the conflict .' "
The authors are Alexander ]. Rosen, Berrien Spring, Mich .; Paul Pechter, San Diego, Calif. ; Leroy H. Pelton, Las Vegas, Nev.; Steven G. Levenson , Roseland, NJ. ; Leonard M. Weiss, Brook!Yn. N Y. ; and Charles E. Sternheim, Columbia, Md .
A 9 ... mon.th Training for Men in Petersham, Massachusetts
Meeting one weekend a month for nine months, beginning in October, 2003, we will enact a hero's journey, a Men's Search for Masculinity and the Sacred.
Using depth psychology, ritual, initiatory activities, and group processes, we will cross the threshold of the sacred, developing personal and male rituals to support and guide us through life, creating and a healthy masculinity to heal ourselves, families, and communities.
Confrontin g Gender Labels
He, She, "None of the Above"
By Ll an Sta rkw ea ther
Since the days of the Stonewall Rebellion , Establishment notions of gender have b een challenged in a way that derides the idea of only two genders and sexualities. Beneath the surface of student gay-straight alliances, gender-be nding body ornamentation , and confro ntational GLBT activism, a gender consciousness of "no ne of the above" has finally blossomed. Consciousness is superseding genitalia-and among college students in p articular, it 's no longer two genders or sexes, but three that are being conceprualized and lived.
A gentle bur insistent voice, for example , from the nominally female student body of Smith College in Northampton, Mass. , has stated emphatically what most transgendered p eo ple eventually may come ro embrace: "I will define for myself who I am; I choose to identify in a gender-ambiguous way:" By srudent vote, as of the fall 2003 term, the stu dent government association's documents replace "she" with "the srudent " and "her " is deleted or changed to " the." The local Daily Hampshire Gazette q u oted Northa mpton psychotherapist julie Mencher, who was recently hired to serve as transgender s pecialist at the college , as saying, "I think that some students were concerned that the identity of Smith as a single-sex institution- as a women 's college-would be tainted in some way." According to Mencher, most of the students she counsels do not see themselves as transsex ual-that is, they are not necessarily interested in using medical means to change th eir bodies so they appear as the opposite sex. she said , they are exploring their gender "There are a lot of students here who id entify as transgender bur don ' t identify as male They identify in a much more genderambiguous way, " explained Mencher. "They have come to a campus where that's very much supported ."
There is an actual continuity between the two gender polarities supported by society In this between-realm are , by definition, transgenders bf all sorts-transsexuals and cross-dressers (transvestites) and a wide a r ray of "gender deviants." for whom procreation potential is not a primary identifier. Here berween the poles, the package and the intent get confused b y beliefs in only two gender options Smith students have raised the flag for gender ambiguity. They are gender-fluid and confident in charring their own course through the lifelong challenge of gender expression just as Rosa Parks finally got our attention a bout what it feels like in the back of the bus, today ' s students are taking on how a transgendered person actually feels-withou t judgment necessarily, identification with gender ambiguity. University of Massachusetts students last spring insisted there be one gender-b lin d bathroom in one dorm when students returned in the fall . (There will in fact be two-state codes, probably updated by feminism 's legitimate demands, require a certain balanced number of restrooms ro be designated with conventional
genders .) Hampshire College , in Amherst , allows mixed-gender living for all students in any housing that is not single occupancy. Gender-blind facilities don ' t just benefit transgenders , who are deciding for themselves who they want to be. They confront all of us with our own sexual affectional compartmentalization: all-men's or all-women 's locker rooms try to deny any same-sex attraction , while mixedgender facilities actually force heterosexuals to confront their attractions when intimate/ personal space is shared. The biggest argument against gender-blind facilities is "I can't control myself without help! "
This man , the fraternity's director of resources and development, said "we still have a long , long way. to go in all areas of awareness and acceptance not just in the venue of sexual identity, " bur he listed five ways in which he was "proud " of the changes. His use of the P-word (I'm a forties boy who has spent a lifetime dealing with "selfish" and had suspicions
" Just as Rosa Parks got our attention about what it feels like in the back of the bus, today's , students are taking on how a transgendered person actually feels-without judgment or, necessar Uy, even identification. " ·
Even fraternities are getting into the act. Recently, having nearly finished a book in which I have examined my life, proclivities , and motivations (in perhaps roo much detail), I decided to use my now-whetted political writing inclinations for one last act of activism: making closure with my old fraternity. 1 was adviser to the UMass fraternity system for a decade in the sixties and , as alumni president, caused a fraternity house to be built on Chestnut Street in Amherst (now congregate housing for the elderly). Inspired by a listing in the fraternity magazine of chapter presidents and advisors, including their e-mail addresses, 1 drafted a provocative e-mail letter (that's what we do now) to poll the chapters on the state of their gender affectional inclusivity.
First, 1 contacted the fraternity's national Phi Epsilon, one of the oldest and largest fraternities , based in Richmond, Va.-ro see if they would give me the mailing list in computer form to save time Surprise! After correspondence with several levels of the organization including the top , exacdy the right guy telephoned me-one of the three field secretaries of the fraternity who are openly gay: He said the change in consciousness varied from state to state and with institutional orthodoxy, but that a majority of the chapters had voted to eliminate affectional orientation as a factor in fraternity membership. Less than the majority may still have reservations , he said , but the students themselves , as with the Smith College students who were going for gender ambiguity, are definitely making changes.
about being " proud" ) helps me with my confusions around Pride Marches . While pride is also described as being a group of lions , "pride" itself means self-respect and self-esteem . He was proud that his sexuality was no more of an issue in his work for the fraternity than for any of the brothers working there. He was proud that he could bring his partne r of five years to fraternity events and have other staff members to tl).eir hom e ("though they seem to like him more than me ") and to know that there is not an issue . He was proud of the undergraduates' needed conversations and challenge to the status quo, and of the deliberations he was having with the fraternity's executive director, which were changing the face of the fraternity "from the youth up ." I guess 1 can stop tilting at that windmill.
Llan Starkweather has been actively participating in the Pioneer Valley 's changing consciousness since he came to the University of Massachusetts in 1947 He draws his strength and encouragement from his 25-year men's group of nine political and gender activists, with whom he has spent even more "quality time" than with his now grown family of seven
Recovering from Sexual Addiction
The Journey Home to Honesty
By Joe C.
At the age of five I knew I was different from other boys I found myself looking funively at men's magazines and getting an erotic charge from what the men were doing in the personal letters . I also engaged in sex play with boys my age , but always with a tremendous amount of shame. At 18, a high school buddy heard my sexual fantasies and said : "Yo u 're a faggot!" Doors slammed in my mind, and I ran from that reality-but then I began wondering why. That high school friend (who suffered from sex addictions and is now dead from AIDS) brought me out. I had been with women sexually, but once I experienced sex with a man, everything fell into place. It felt good, it felt right, and it felt like it was meant to be . But for an ex-Catholic, and a young man facing the condemnation of 80 percent of the world 's religions, being queer was no easy walk. Shortlx thereafter I met and fell in love with my partner now of 21 years, who remains a blessing, a teacher, a friend-and the man who forgave me what was to become six years of lying and sexually acting out behind his back. It began during graduate school , when I walked into a men's room and saw men engaging in sex in a public place. I was shocked , horrified, and repulsed-but also felt a wave of what I can only describe as hormones sweep through my brain. I remember returning home that evening and saying to my partner that I had witnessed this "disgusting scene." Within 24 hours I began acting out sexually in
and did not know what to expect. What greeted me were folks of all races , sexes, genders, identities, ages , and professions who were honestly sharing how they were "'orking to heal from sexual addiction. I was moved and amaze d , and remain grateful that I finally found a healing and understanding community. .
In the past -nine years I have gained the experience , strength, and hope at each meeting to· repeat what that young man said at the conference : "Hi, I'm Joe C. , I'm a grateful recovering sex addict." And I say "grateful" because the S Programs truly saved my life I was able to tell my partner in a flow of tears about my dishone sty-and that I had not exposed him to illness When he said he cared less that I might have given him an STD, but cared more that I had lied to him for such a long period-well , that took me a couple of years to understand as I integrated issues around lying behavior. For so long I had viewed myself as Mr Honesty. Recovery helped me learn how I had manipulated and schemed in my lies and how soul-destroying lying is I remain grateful that my lover did not walk away from our then 11 years of love anp life together. I know too many stories where individuals , relationships, and families have been shattered by sex and other addictions. I also learned that in my acting out I had been hunting for body parts I'd searched for body types, hair colors, awesome pees , the cute smile, the big appendage , those very same places . Over the next six years I went to a variety of rest rooms. I knew enough about HIV and AIDS and STDs that I was a bit "bug phobic," so I did not exchange body fluids with others. But I would lie to my panner, telling him I was going to be late home as I was studying or working late. When at home, I'd get angry at the stresses of everyday
"1 would lie to my partner, telling him I was going to be late home as I was studying or
· Hope and Recovery: A Twelve -Step Guide for "Healing from Compulsive Behavior
· Publications)
Donr Call It Love: Recovering from Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes , Ph.D. (G entle Path Press)
FaCing the .Shadow: Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D (Gentle Path Press)
working late. When at home , I'd leave to 'go shopping,' as I would tell him.
youth-all the while unaware of the bedrock of my own low selfesteem. I had rejected older gay men who had approached me in acting out places. I have since learned the karmic unkindness that dwelling in such a meat market mindset can bring, and how the need for healing of the youth and age disparities in GLBT . . . " cru1smg agam.
life and the relationship ,. so I'd leave to "go shopping," as- I would tell him . But I was out cruising again
Getting into recovery was a miracle At an addictions conference for the GLBT community in the early 1990s, a therapist attending the conference listened to my anxiety over acting out and asked me: "What 's your penis trying to say that your mouth cannot? " A young man stood up during a workshop on GLBT sexuality and said: "Hi, I'm X, and I'm a grateful recovering sex addict." I was stunned by his honesty. and what seemed like his self-esteem , and I learned from him about a sexual addiction recovery program . That very evening I entered Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (or SCA, a 12 -step recovery program founded by gay men) by attending a beginners' meeting I was scared
But I was out
culture endures. I also learned that this is not just a GLBT addiction. If you're human, you are vulnerable to sex addiction. I found that antidepressant medication, psychotherapy, and most imponant, a weekly co mmitment to getting to as many meetings as I could in the early days were critical to my recovery. I learned that my family and ancestors were wounded by the ravages of World War II, post-traumatic stress disorder; and sex addiction and alcoholism that went back several generations. Now, I'm even out to my family and aging parents about my recovery, because it saved my life . I also no longer blame my family for the past. I am grateful that they remain in my life and that my recover y has touched theirs
(continued on page 23)
Gay-Straight Bonding on TV's Queer Eye for the Straight Guy \ Exterior ·Decorators
·By Michael Kimmel
'B
y far the most mes m erizin g cultural · • event of the past summer wasn ' t the search for veracity in o ur p res ident's n ow-famous 16 words , o r Kobe Br yant's arrest , but the hit 1V show Queer Eye for the Straight Guy on the Bravo network
In case you h aven ' t see n it , th e h our-long show revolves around th e "Fab Five"-five clever, campy, and culturally sop his ti ca ted gay men-who target a forlorn , disheveled , straigh t guy and give him (and his home) a total makeover. Each of the five has a spe cialty: food and wine, home dec01; grooming, clothing, and interpersonal manners. And each works his transformative magic wi th wit and flair.
In the firs t episode, they rook an aspiring artist named Brian and helped him actually look like his nickname , " Butch." Wh e n we first mee t Brian he looks like h e just return ed from the Altamont concerts-in 1970! Dirty brown overalls , long stringy h air, unke mpt b eard , and an apartment jus t one slight mo ve up from cantaloupe crates for records and concrete blocks and boards for books. One hour la te r (in 1V rime , of course) , he looks , we ll , fabulous. His beard is now a goatee , his h air c ur and shaped and stylish , his clothing elegant an d dressed-down chic, and his apartment the home of a tony bachelor
And what happens? Well , at his art ' opening, the women in attendance , especially his former friends, are so stunn ed by his transformation that their sexual interest oozes from every gaping stare. He 's become a babe
in five years ,' watch inner city black kids now. And if you want ro know how straight men will b e dressing and de cora ting, ask a gay man (It 's not for n o thing th a t black m en and gay men have m ad e up the lion 's share of readers of the mainstream men's fashion magazin es , like GQ , for years. The reason the "n ew" men 's magazin es are so relentless ly-and often idiotically-ulrra-het is b ecau se th ey' re selling men's p e rfum e and high-end d esign er clothin g.)
Of co urse, it 's a bit distressing that the ground for a ll thi s m ale bondi n g and gay -s tra ight rapprochement lies in unapologetic consumerism , for which gay men are n ow th e spo kespeop le Gay m en, yo u see, n o r o nly know what women want , th ey know where to buy it. Th ere's an u nsettling reinforcement of stereotypes, to be sure - th ere are some gay magnet-dashing , well m annered, utterly SC.'(}', as well as eminently presentable to the Sex & the City crowd.
Why? Simple. Because gay m e n know w h at straight wo m en want. We ' ve been on to this since Rup ert Everett sraned reac h ing men how to please women , how to be their friends, how to love and entertain. Think Julia Roberts in My Best Friend 's Weddin g or
''Queer Eye is a show premised on the collapse of homophobia among straight men. In that sense it may be doing more for gay rights than Baker v. State or Lawrence v. Texas ever could."
men with bad taste and some w ell-dressed straight m en, 'after all - but for once the stereotypes seem to w01k the other way. Here is a makeover show that is th e antidote to all th ose gay conversion d1 erap y infomer cia ls. In th is "reality" show, d1e srraight guy is transformed into , well, a gay guy.
Queer Eye also soun ds another, eve n more promising note. It 's a s h ow pre m ise d on th e
through his closers and drawer.s (his dresser drawer-s!), a ll the w hile launching c utting campy barbs about his lifestyle Before th e fir.sr com m ercial , one is stroking his hair and deciding how to cur i t, anothe r grabs his o ld jockstrap with barbecue tongs and drops it into boiling water, an d a rJ:lird co mm ents about the size of his boxer s horts. The men touch each o ther affectionately 11nd m ake caus ti c r emarks drippin g with sexual innu end o
And by the e nd , the s traight guy does what? He h ugs them! He th an ks them ! Me realizes he need s them!
Ironically, it 's the insecurity of heterosexuality that begins to ero d e homophobia "We\e here, we're qu eer, we 're fal;Julous , imd we know what women wan t" is the message of QLieer Eye. And , if you ' re go ing to make if with the f:Airandas and the Carries of the mode rn world , the show seems to say, need us,to how
Michael Kimmel teac hes socio logy at th e State Univers ity of New York at Stony Brook and is th e aut hor of many books o.n and masculinity. An exc erpt from his most recen,t , P,!jyilege (coed ited w i.th Abby Ferber) , pL1blished ea rlier thi s year by Westview Press , appeared in the Sprin g issue of Voice Ma le.
S tarr with th e title Five ago, most viewers would )1ave thought a show with the tide Queer Eyefor th e Straight Guy was about gay m en hitting 6n s traight men in a bar. The se quel wo uld have been Black Eye for the Gay Guy
The show opens wi th Brian letting these five qu eers into his home, allowing th em to rifle
Jennifer Aniston in The Object of My Affection. W ill & Grace on ly und e rs co red what we'd already come to suspect. Will is a model nor for gay men , but for straight men-exac tly th e men who really want to know what will captivate beautiful , sexy, and interesting women like Grace. And we ' ve always known that if yo u want to find our where tomorrow's mainstream fashions and tastes originate , it 's best ro look at roday 's marginalized groups. If you want to know what white suburban teenage boys will b e wearing co llap se of h o m o phob ia am ong straig ht men And in rhar se n se QL!eer Eye m f!y b e doing m ore for gay tights than Bai?er v. State or Lawrence v. Texas ever co uld.
Working with Fathers of Color
Hey, Bro, Check It Out!
By Haj i Shearer
Ican still see him in my mind: 30-something, brown skin , close 'fro, jeans and button-down shin. I approached him at the Dudley Street Community Fair where about 100 people had come to enjoy rides , music , and food . I was recruiting dads to join a personal development program. Men who join practice skills that help improve their relationships with family and friends and clarify a vision for their lives
Most dads who check out one session stay for the entire program, drawn to the camaraderie , the humm; and the enhancement of their self-esteem
This particular brother listened to my pitch , his eyes as blank as a page suffering from writer 's block. When I finished my rap he brushed me off, telling me he wasn' t interested I was in my mode , so I pushed a little more : fellowship with other positive men , ideas to decrease stress, encouragement to set and achieve your personal goals-! was in a groove! But he shut me down with, "Naw, I'm straight." I knew he wasn ' t talking about his sexual preference. He meant , ''I'm handling whatever problems I'm having and don't need help from you. " The finality of his tone silenced me . I walked away, too late to put my armor on , feeling a bit rejected until I saw the next dad. I handed him a flyer : "Hey, bro , check it out! Less stress, more affection in your family. \Mmt to eliminate some of the tension that naturally comes up in family life? " Using that kind of enthusiasm , I'm able to persuade about 40 men a year to complete our 13-week program, which uses a modified parenting curriculum with time for open discussions
I recruit from many settings-street fairs, childcare centers, churches , libraries, gyms , courts, the Department of Social Services , anywhere I can find fathers. Wh en I talk to men who are resistant to participating, my thoughts sometimes flip back to that dad at the fall; because although he seemed like an ideal candidate, he was closed to even hearing about the opportunity I translate his "Naw, I'm straight" into "''m maintaining at my current level. I don ' t believe I can do much better."
Too many of us, by the time we're 30 or 40-especially black men like myself; who are pleasantly surprised not to find ourselves incarcerated or embalmed-simply accept the situation we 've fallen into. Most of our efforts go into making sure we don' t backslide We give up our dreams I find that men who are involved in some other self-improvement work, like school or church , are more likely to consider my appeal even if they are too busy or already have a network to help them achieve their goals. ln my years of recruiting men of color for personal growth work, I've seen that those who come find it valuable.
It 's rare to be in a space where people accept you for who you are and at the same time encourage you tQ dig deeper.
I have scores of stories of men who used the program as a vehicle to improve their relationships and careers. One father of a four-year-old boy came to the group when he was separated from the child ' s mother and experiencing serious animosity toward her. He complained thac she arbitrarily denied visitation even though he was paying child support . Around week five he shared a new suspicion. He thought she was trying to trick him into something . Her behavior had changed: she was acting friendly toward him He could now take their son whenever he wanted Before I could say anything one of the other men in the group said, "She changed 'cause you changed! She's responding to you doing things different because of the program ." You could see the light bulb click on over this man 's head.
For black and Latino dads, expressing affection with our kids can be perceived as Father Knows Best territory .... That listening-to-feelings stuff don't work on Blue Hill Avenue.
Another dad I recruited through my daughter She had a friend whose mom I often saw at school events. The dad rarely came , but I knew he lived with the family When I called the home to invite him , the mom told me, "Oh no , he wouldn't be interested in something like that." I asked to speak with him anyway Not only did he participate , he ended up being one of the stars. I know he had an uneven work history before coming to the program, but since he graduated two years ago he 's maintained full-time employmenthis longest streak yet. Being around a group of healthy peers, especially if that's a new experience, is like adding live yogurt cultures to plain milk. A transformation takes place that creates a similar; but more potent, new material.
In addition to resonating with the success of fathers who make it to the program , I've become attuned to some of the reasons men tum down the opportunity. The two most legitimate are work and school. Beyond that, brothers have a hard time even verbalizing why they don't want to attend
Some men say, 'Tm too busy. " You're too busy to put a few hours a week into improving your relationship with your children and their mother? You 're standing here watching women in tight jeans walk up and down the street , but you have no time to focus on the woman you impregnated and your offspring?
Another popular response is "''m not interested." Okay, what kinds of things interest you? Basketball, football , cars , sex? Do you have
anything in common with your baby's mom and your kids7 Did you know there's a 50 percent divorce rate in America? And that's for the people who even bothered to get married. Can you spell "child support "?
I don't really come down on recruits that hard , even though I might like to sometimes. I know that the vague and contradictory reasons men give for not wanting to participate , in the end , come down to fear We don't like to admit it, but most of us are afraid of either great failure or great success : We feel more comfortable maintaining the status quo: job or no job , squabbles in the family, poor schools, little hope , fantasies about the girl next door because the girl behind our door is driving us crazy (so we think) We live in a self-created purgatory, scared to leave our comfort zone for fear we'll fall and people will laugh , or for fear we'll fly and people will resent us
For black and Latino dads the alternatives can seem even bleaker than for white fathers. Expressing affection with our kids can be perceived as Father Knows Best territory We got to raise kids to be tough for the hood Even though Bill Cosby and Bernie Mac portray compassionate dads on Tv, they're actors with fat wallets and comedians to boot. That listening-tofeelings stuff don' t work on Blue Hill Avenue
When I encourage guys in the group to get in tune with their own feelings so they can understand how their kids and partners are feeling, some don' t believe it will help " My parents raised me like this and I turned out okay," I often hear Oh yeah , I want to say, then why are you addicted to reefer, Heineken , and screaming at your kids? But I don't. Everything in life offers possibility for growth ; some situations just encourage you to grow more quickly. God is everywhere, but you can feel the spirit more in church than in a liquor store because of the intention of the space The groups that we offer provide a powerful growth opportunity because our intention is to transform each participant, ourselves included, from an ordinary guy to a superior man.
I'm enthusiastic when I invite fathers to our program , because I know I'm pointing them toward something valuable. I've also learned that men not ripe for change today may be tomorrow So the next time I see the brother who told me, "Naw, I'm straight, " I'm going to invite him to the program again.
Haji Shearer is director of Fathers ' Programs at the Fami!Y Nurturing Center of Massachusetts. FNC provides fami!Y development training to a wide variety of parents and professions . Haji consults with the Department of Sodal Services, the Department of Revenue , and other state agendes on increasing father involvement He lives in Boston with his beautiful wife , son , 13 , and daughter; 10.
Few experiences are more charged , exciting, scary,juicy, and overwhelming than dating
Not surprisingly, dating poses tremendous challenges for survivors of childhood abuse, mistreatment , and neglect. Attraction and dating raise issues of longing, intimacy, rrust, vuln erability, sexuality, self-doubt , identity, fear of abandonment , and a wealth of o ther intense feelings. Accessing these d ee per parts of ourselves can be very beautiful-and , for many, also quite terrifying
What's so hard about dating?
For most people , plenty. Bur dating can be particularly grueling for survivors because it touches old wounds in a unique way
SE LF-ESTEEM
The core impact of ch ildhood trauma is damaged self-esteem. When children are abused and neglected, they inremalize th e false messages , "It 's my fault" ; "th ere must be so m ething wrong with me"; " I am bad. " Wh en things get rough in dating , s urvi vors find th e mselves repeating these ingrained falsehood s. Dating can fee l like a referendum on one 's "OK-ness." Mos t survivors have deep fundamental doubts about their own attractiveness , physical and personal. I have known many s urvivors of both sexes who deeply believed that they were physically unattractive,
The Challenge of Healthy Dating
By Charlie Hertan
tho u gh most others would describe them as beautiful. Many carry the beli ef that peop le "don ' t like m e" or " don ' t notice me ." Dating exposes core inner wounds by stimu lating our unmet desires ro be seen, found attractive, and desired sexually.
LO NG I N G , RES CUE FAND\S IES , D ES PAIR
Most everyone longs for love and intimacy, bur for childhood trauma survivors, this longing stirs up a sea of past unmet needs.
Chi ldren who are hurt p h ysically, sexuall y, or emoti,onally have a deep longing to be seen, held , loyed, and rescued from their pain. When I was eight years o ld , my mother left my sister and me with our father. Flustered , clue less, and in dertial , my father made no provision for u s to be supervised until eight p m. , when he go t home from work. After school, I spent most of my free time alone in the basement , with a nr for a babysitter. Denied the emotional nurturing I desperately needed , I screamed, set litde fires , and abused myselL Since neglected children intemalize the same awfu l self-concepts as abused kids, self-punishment is very common Durin g this time I developed a "rescue fantasy " involving an older girl who chained me to the groundnot to hurt me , bur to protect and ground me . Unlike my parents, she didn't leave me alone.
All profits benefit the Men' Re o rce Center of Amherst & W. Mass . American Friend 's Service Committee , supporting their dedicated work for peace , justice and social change
A beautiful 2004 wall calendar featuring 12 original images by gifted W. Mass nature photographer Charlie Hertan · Images will be on displaY Sept.15-0ct.15 at the Artist's Cooperative Gallery in Shelburne Falls , MA
I would like to order_ copies of the 2004 Peace Calendar I enclose $15 per copy, plus $3 P&H (add 50¢ for each additional copy) . Calendars will be mailed by Nov 15 , 2003 No of copies P&H
For survivors , dating triggers old longings and fantasies: " this person will finally see me, understand me , not hurt m e, heal me, want me, love me, stay with me " These longings for "salvation " from one 's inner wounds embody a quality of despair: "I n eed this person to love me so much , I feel like I will di e if they don ' t. " The despair relates to how desperately the child n eeded someone to be there back when the abuse or neglect starred , someone to sto p the pain . Unfortunately, the dare picks up on this sense of urgency, and most people find it roo scary.
NEE
DI N G OTH ERS &: C O N TROL ISS U ES
The possibility of finding l ove , sex, and intimacy through dating opens the floodgates of "regressive needs "-the tender, childlike, vu lnerable parts of ourselves that long to be loved, taken care of, held , made love to. When we begin to fa ll for someone , the lid flies off our Pandora 's box of deep emotional needs. The dilemma for survivors is that we often lack a good "safety lock " for the box , and expose our innermost needs roo soon. We do this both becau se of the porous boundaries abuse/neglect taught us ("you have no right to be safe"), and because th ese deep needs were unmet in childhood and we are s tarved for deep affection. Whereas nonsurvivors may rein in their longing until they get to know the other person well enough to estab lish trust , many survivors spill out their deepest needs and secre ts on the first date , on ly to be srunned when the other person proves to be "unworthy" of this sacred trust.
My mentor, Bob, once gave me a beau ti ful piece of advice. I had jumped into an intense and reckless invo lvement after my ma r ital separation, and was explaining one of my actions in terms of wanting to "be the best lover I could be ." His answer startled and amused me : "Don' t try to be the best lover you can be-wait a lir de."
When we project the other person into the role of fulfiller of our innermost needs, we may become obsessed with contro lling that person. We ' re so afraid of losing them that we become clingy and obsessed. In the extreme case, a battering relationship may develop. The survivorturned-perpetrator dynamic is something like this: "I have a desperate need [or love , intimacy, caretaking, and affection. However, deep down I know that I am worthless, no good, u nl ovable (as my abuse taught me) . I n ee d you ro m ee t these powerfu l needs that have been stirred up , because I am incapable of taking care of my own vulnerability, but since I am unlovable , I will have to force you to do it. "
On the other end of the spectrum, our need for control around our regressive needs may lead us to push the other person away premarurely or irrationally. Needing another person is so terrifying that we feel compelled to sabo tage the chance for intimacy, rather than facing the fear of enco unte ring another person deep ly.
REJECflON & ABANDONMENT
For survivors of neglect or abandonment, when intimacy begins to develop in a dating relationship, i t triggers a powerful fear of being left again. Abuse survivors often share this fear, because abuse is a form of "emotional abandonment" by adults we trusted to care for us and keep us safe The fear of rejectio n also taps into core survivor issues of feeling unlovable , bad , or " t ai nted. " These fears ca n lead survivors to expect rejection, or to misread normal caution, questions , or doubts as preludes to rejection or abandonment. We may then launch a preemptive strike-leaving the bewildered date before they have a chance to hun u s.
SEXUALl1Y, BOUNDARIES & SAFElY
Physical and emotional intimacy in dating can be terrifying for survivors. When you have been abused , neglected , or hun by trusted adults as a child, the process of opening yourself up to another person restimulates rremendous fear of being hun again This fear would seem to dictate a cautious approach, and some survivors are overly h esitant about getting close to anyone Many more go to the other exrreme For sexual abuse su rvivors, the possibility of sexual involvement can trigger overwhelming fear, panic, flashbacks to childhood abuse , impotence, guilt, shame (wh ic h m ay be experienced as erotically exciting) , and the full range of post-traumatic stress symptoms.
Abuse and neglect prevents the formation of healthy boundaries in children. Often , c hildren learn to submit passively to violation in order to avoid more extreme abuse Victimized children also learn to dissociate from rrauma, since this is the mind 's core protection against overwhelming events. This necessary survival tool has a rragic consequence; it teaches children to ignore the gut feelings that instinctively tell us when a person or situation is unsafe. Dissociation then becomes a learned autonomic response, rendering survivors "frozen" o r incapable of defending against further viola tion later in life Consequendy, unhealed survivors often show poor boundaries and an inability to respond to danger. In dating, this can rranslate into jumping into sexual relationships with srrangers, exercising poor judgment around ano ther person's character, and getting into physically or sexually unsafe situations.
What would a healthier dating pattern look li ke for me?
Dating is very complex and person,al, and there is no one "right way" to do it. But s urvivors may find it helpful to have a framework that will make the experience less scary, giving more time and space to son out their feelings and make informed choices. In order to maintain clarity and a sense of choosing to become involved only after we have some sense of who the other person is, I offer the foll owing s ugges tions:
l. H ave four full date s without any sexual activity (for many survivors, deep kissing or
touching can unleash feelings as powerful as those of intercourse).
2. During these first four dates , don' t see the person more than once a week, and don't talk on the phone more than once or twice in between After three or four intense interac tions in a week, emotional intimacy starts to build too soon, and often leads to "crash and bum syndrome ." It 's crucial to have the reflective time between dates to let things sink in , son out feelings , talk to friends , tamp down the our-of-controllonging and projection that begin to creep in , and stay clear about your goal in the ftrst month: to get to know the other person I ftnd that after each date the relationship unfolds a litde more , giving me an expanding sense of the other 's personality, values , interests, emotional style, and goals I also get a much better sense of our rapport: Do l really feel comfortable talking to this person? Is this someone I trust enough to want to get involved with? Jumping into sex obscures this, because it creates a false sense of emotional intimacy.
3. At some point in the process, often on the second date, I tell the other person about my four week/one date a week/no sex "dating boundaries ." I ftnd that most peop le react very positively. It feels respectful to them that I would want to get to know them better before becoming involved , and most seem to share this wish If they don' t, it's often a sign of their own poor boundaries At any rate, it opens an interesting dialogue about the other person's personal boundaries and dating experiences
4 If, after a month of no-sex dates , I feel enough interest, atrraction, trust, and possibility, I become open to taking the risk of exploring the next step of becoming involved with that person , if and when they are ready
Practice self-comf assion
The ftnal point would add about healthy dating is to practice compassion for the other, and especially for yourself. The idea of these guidelines is to promote safer, saner, more effective dating, no t to kick yourself for failing We are all human , and in dating we are dealing with quite powerful inner longings and drives I know of no one who has not made many "mistakes" in this process Books such as If the Buddha Dated by Charlotte Kasl, The Wisdom of No Escape by Perna Chadron , and Peace Is Every Step by Thich Nhat Han, are loaded With good advice for practicing self-compassion in daily life.
Charlie Hertan is a therapist specializing in community mental health and trauma recovery, and a writer, photographer and numismatist He lives in Northampton , Mass ., and welcomes your feedback at cehenan@rcn.com.
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Hoop Dreams
By Michael Burke
The sound of the basketball bouncing on the driveway. The clunk as it hits the backboard, then the rim. Th e swish as it goes through the net, then the bouncing resumes
When I first h eard it again-after 20-some years of silence-I shouldn't have been surprised, but I ca m e out to witness the miracle : my eight-year-old son Isaac out in the driveway, dribbling the ball , lining up the shot, giving a little jump and firing it up. He had a new ball , a hoop we'd just put up for him, and a week of basketball camp under his belt, and be was polishing his newfound skills. It was a glorious sight and sound.
And it carried me back-way back, to my childhood in southern California, and the backboard my father put up above our garage so that I could play. My friend Gary and I spent whole afternoons out there , playing one-on-one or H-0-R-S-E. Sometimes after work my dad would come out and shoot with us, lofting up that push shot he ' d learned back in the Cretaceous. Sometimes other friends joined in But often it was just me , shooting and shooting until the sun went down and well b eyond, until my mom called me in for dinner.
.lt was my therapy, and my escape: whenever schoo l and homework, peer pressure and hormones grew too much to bear, whenever what was going_ on in th e house built up to the point where I had to get out-and before I cou ld escape by just getting in a car and driving off- I had the hoop , and the driveway, the bouncing of the ball, the arc of the shot and the singing rwine of the net.
There's a rhythm to it: bounce , bounce, gather, jump, shoot. And I shot and shot : the "paint spot hook, " and the other unlikely shots from various grease stains and cracks in the concrete. The layup drills, and the attempts to master Kareem Abdul-jabbar 's famous Skyhook. I shattered floodlights after dark, cracked car taillights , ruined innumerable flowers growing innocent in their beds But for some reason my father-normally precise about order; cleanliness, and keeping things in good repair, and a flower enthusiast to boot-never yelled. Like other kids, I had my hoop dreams. I wanted to be Wilt Chamberlain or Kareem, tall and imposing, d ominant and cool. Or maybe , more likely, a pale white guy like jerry We s t ,
shooting the game-winning shot from halfcoun as if he worked on it every day in practice, or smoothly driving the lane and laying it in off his fingertips. Or I might be Bill Walton , another tall SoCal redhead who could pass and shoot an d play the game.
To play the game: to be pan of it. That's what I wanted I hoped to be at least six foot eight, muscular and fast , but had to settle for six-one and slow. I wanted to go to the famous john Wooden basketball camp, but my parents said if I made the junior high team they'd think about it. john Wooden, the Wizard of Westwood , was a basketball god in southern California; he coached several UCLA teams to the NCAA champions h ip, all the while looking like the quiet, buttoned-down midwestern English teacher he was He didn't throw chairs , didn ' t yell at his players or even argue with the refs much He didn't have to ; he was God
But I never got to Coach Wooden 's camp; I was cut from the seventh-grade team after the first tryouts , and it became apparent that athletics were not really my fone My hoop dreams thereafter were confined largely to the driveway and the blacktop In high school I got involved in theater and the school newspaper, majored in history in college and began writing poetry. My dreams began to diverge into the areas of literature (romance) and book publishing (commerce). But I still played-on intramural teams in college, in Riverside Park in New York, in a three-on-three tournament in grad school, and for a few years in a regular pickup game at Amherst College. My dreams had changed , their edges shaved down by the sharp plane of reality, but I didn't love the game any less. Isaac's dreams are still new, still fresh He believes he can be a pro basketball player-or a baseball or soccer star. He also might fly in the first manned spacecraft to Mars, or appear in the seventh Harry Potter movie (once he masters that English accent) He might do standup comedy, argue a case before the Supreme Coun, or design a new kind of solar car. He might, on the other hand, do none of these things-but for him the sun is always rising, like the ball rising into the air and arcing toward the rim I know, but haven' t told him ye t , how hard it is to become a pro athlete-it's a longshot. I haven' t told him what else I know : that the sun goes down eventually, settling toward the horizon like a ball on its downward arc, and you don't know if it will slide cleanly through the net or rim out . The future's unknown . But this afternoon the rain has stopped, and I look up from whatever's been worrying methe calls I have to make , the work yet to be done, the lawn unmowed , the laundry piling up-and I see him practicing his moves: the crossover dribble, the double crossover, the in-and-out. I hear the ball bouncing, and see the shot go up: I see the ball rising toward the basket , I see my son watching it go, I see and hear the thunk as it hits the backboard , then slides through the net. The bouncing b egins again. I think I'll go out and join him. The sun has come out , there's a place to play, and dreams, whatever they are , look beautiful in this light.
Michael Burke is a volunteer fadlitator of the MRC's men 's support groups and serves as Voice Male 's managing editor.
Iwalked into my father 's office to settle a score; h e thought w e were going out for lun ch For the 25 years prior to th a t d ay, no one in our family h ad found the courage to speak honestly an d directly witl1 m y fa ther. All that wou ld c hange in 10 minutes.
I told my father to stay sea t e d and n o t respond to a nything he was abou t to he ar He had been given plenty of tim e to speak over the years ; th is was ' m y time. In s hort, what I said was : "Growing up with yo u was very difficu lt You were alcoholic and irresponsible. You r behavior hils damaged my sense of self-worth Today, I struggle with many of the sam e battles I imagin e yo u also struggled with at my age Most of all , I simp ly want you to hea r wha t l'm saying. I hate you for what you 've done , and you 're still my dad so I love yo u. l'm fi nished blaming you; I am responsibl e for my own life. " I rejected hi s attempts at rebut tal, knowing that a pan of me would want to beli eve him o r even take ca re of him . This was m y time, I r em inded m yself. I stood up and walked o u t.
H alf an hour later, my father arrived at the hotel where I was staying. I heard the knock on the door and wondered if h e wo uld be standing there with a pistof Th o u gh my father didn 't own one, an d wasn ' t the murdering kind , our relationship had entered into very strange and new territory; anything seemed possible.
M ; Film Review: All MeriAre Sons
What Boys Need from Their Fathers To Know and Be Kno wn
Th e door opene d and my fa ther motioned for me to step o u ts ide. As if watc hing mysel f o n a movie screen , I followed and sat n ext to him on th e h otel fl oor 's back steps He began to weep and so did I. Th rough the tears , h e managed to say, "I n eve r meant to hurt you. "
That was as mu ch of an apology as I would ever get. He n ever went into th e details of his life with me. He never asked for forgiveness He n ever hel d him self fully a ccountabl e Ultimately, none of th at mattered. It wasn ' t until a few years late r that I realized wh at did matter.
On that day, at th e age of 25, I began h ealing my relationship with myself and truly becoming an adu lt On th at d ay I began th e es sentia l tas k of sortin g through my fa th er's legacyfiguring out what I s hould carr y forward and what I s hould do differently, taking responsibility for my own life and accep ting what m y fat h er had to offer while grieving what I would never get from him . I was fortunate to have begun this process relatively earl y in life , as so many men d o n ' t get around to it until th eir father is on his deathbed-i f ever.
As a boy-like most boys even today-! was taught to steer clear of vulnerability I was taught that my sole purpose in life was to avoid si ruations where I co uld be taken advantage of, proved wrong, or mad e to lo ok like a "wimp "
Sins of the Father
WReviewed by Allan Arnaboldi
hat do an 18-year-old Hispanic yquth, in to his family 's detention in a]apanese
• a 30-}'l .· ear-old gayJapanese-Amerucan, ·... internment camp during World war ll , ,became " a 2 9-year-old divorced Jewish " a workaholic millionaire business executive Neil 's musici an, a 28-yeat-old Afrkan.:.American • father, apreacher, professed to b e proud of his Jierformin g arti?t, aqd a 32-year-old white youngest son , but didn' t seem to have a ch,1e "preacher 's kid'' have in common; besides beihg • about wl1o he was : Why is it that so many ofus !J1en? They,are all sons trying to resolve ,tbeir meo. feel we are ''invisib le" to our fat hers , or at ' relationships wi th their fath ers :• · " least feellil<e .parts of u s are not seen? ' .!That's the focus of a docu1pentaty film calle9 AH " J:ed, for example, just wishes his father could Men Are Sons , directed by educational consultant ·' "see m y life t;hrough my eyes ." Oscar, visiting his john ]3adalament.·These five meQ. came togerher (o/ clad in Mexico , cortl1onts him directly: "Sometimes with 1errence Real, a therapist ano author of two being with you is great and sometimes it 's pretty valuable boo l<s (1 Don't Want to Talk About It I peed youtobsten.to that!" And after and How Can I Ge t Through to You?) to share becoming 'a father hiniself, Ne il provides this tl'ieir stories, to examme their fathel/son und erstandi:r)g of fatherhood; "Presen ce is what and to receive suppon 9ver a mal<es up a for m e " togetller to take steps in :r'hree are fathers All Men Are Sons lool<s at what father/ son themselve.? and wanted to resolve conflict$ with relationships are about through ,the eyes of five their dads (living or dead) 'in order to becom e'' very differen f young men. ' The5e men took befterpi)l'ents ; the two others, who are not fathers , ' sigrrificam steps .toward resolving the conflicts wanted to clarify and improve their relationships '\' they felt with their d ads In the pro cess , they with their own dads VVh.ile Cach of their situatitms , , insights into their fathers and then1Selves i:; unique in the context of the film , the y all 'tell ' and inifuted personal changes (hat, on e can only stories that will resonate for many men across \ hoP.e, wnll}ake them and, if th ey the country and perhaps the world cho ose, loving, present fathers themselves : Some element of each sroryreJlecred absence '"· '" M , , , • of the fathe r, eiilier pl'tysica11y or emotionally. .. Allan Amaboldi, director of Support Program s ()sear' s father left his family to rerum to M®co*' at the Men's R,esource Center, is a son,Jather and , was in j unior school. Jonah 's ' grartdfather. "dream father;" wl:ioin he Idolized, took leave . ·· ' f. when h e was five. When Will's father's idealism , as a Communist Party ac tivist did not get r,ealiZed , he retreated into heroin addictiOJ?- Ted 's fa ther,
By John Badala ment
or a "pussy." Doing the emotiona l wo rk of sorting through a fatl1er 's legacy, whether he is alive or not , requifes facing the difficult fee lings of love , pa in , and loss In s ho r t , it req u ires th e very thing we're taug ht as boys and me n to rid ourse lves of: vu ln erability
By standing before my father-the " man lies t" o f men in my eyes-and telling h im how I experienced our rela tionship , I threw away everyth ing I was tau gh t as a boy. Th e grea t irony is that by maki ng myself vul n erab le, risKing what little connection we had , I ac tually mad e our relationship somewhat stro n ge ra nd a whole lot more real.
I was fortunate ro have th e oppo r ru nity to si r face to face with my fath er; some boys a nd men d o n ' t even know who their father is. The process of sorting through a father 's legacy is as mu ch abour a man's re lationship wi th himself as it is about his relationship with his [a th e r It 's about owning how you feel about tha t relatio nship , what yo u got and didn 't get, w h a t you want to do differen tly, and most imponan t , how yo u plan to m ake those changes for the next gener.a tion
For so me men, coming to te rm s with their father may m ean finding the courage to say (no t jus t sh ow) how much iliey a ppreciate and love h im for all h e's done As me n , finding the langu age to speal< about love can be as difficu lt (conti nued on page 23) All Men Are Sons: Explorin g the Legacy of Fatherhoo d A documentary film direc
A Gay Man's Life After 50
My God! I'm gay I'm ;;..;er 50 I'm single 1 don't own my own home I'm moving down the financial ladder It can only go downhill from here, right?
Many middle-aged gay men I know have had this internal dialogue with themselves. It's the kind of thought that used to wake me up in the night , tossing an d turning, wondering how the rest of my life was going to tum out. Even as I approached 50 , I often found mys elf asking: Vlhat have I accomplished? Vlhat changes have I gone through? Am I where I want to be?
By the age of 23 , I had achieved some typical goals for yo ung men : undergradu ate and graduate degrees , my first profes sional job , marriage. We had a wonderful daughter by the tim e l was 24. So far so good!
Then we moved for bett er job pro spec ts for my wife and me , but mine fell through, leading first to unemployment and then underemployment, in a community where I had no friends. My first men's group helped
me through a tough time -but it also initiated my questioning of my sexual orientation. I love d my wife and my daughter, but something was not working for us We divorced amicably an d had joint custody of our daughter, who lived half the week with each of us . I needed to determine whether I was straight, gay, or bisexual , while single-parenting
syAIIanArnaboldi
But what happens when yo u reach 50, your relationship ends, your house is sold (at a loss) , your coparenting arrangement changes, and your career becomes unsatisfying? Is there life after 50 for a single , gay man?
As I turned 50 , it did feel good to be on my own, living in a neat apartment and back in a communi ty I had missed. l threw myself a 50th birthday party and invited my family, valued friends , and close colleagues. Redefining myself felt grea t for a while. I was making a better salary and cou ld afford to have some travel adventures But it also made me realize I wanted a relationship again.
I began to take better care of myself I went into therapy, joined the gay/bisexuaVquestioning men 's su pp ort group at the Men's Resource Center, and focused on building my friendship community I gave myself permission to do more things for myse lf.. I decided to take an unpaid leave from teaching for a year to explore other job
Things worked out-and better even than I had imagined. I got my condo, which I love, and while not actively trying to find a relationship, I met a wonderful man We made a deep connectioR because we have many things in common: the same age ; maniage histories ; long-term gay relationships with significantly younger men ; grown children; accepting families; even new homes. There have been challenges , of course-having different socioeconomic statuses and living an hour apart, for example But that has caused us to take things a little slower, to maintain some level of independence, and to communicate about what is important to each of us as individuals and as a couple. We are both at a stage in our lives where we know what we need and can articulate and listen to each other with caring and honesty. Since we are now more aware of who we ?-fe, we are able to give and receive affection operily, and have blossomed by finally being able to integrate sexual and emotional intimacy
The potential for a snag
came up recently when my weekly hours at the MRC had to be 'reduced so mewhat. However, I trusted that I had skills to draw upon for getting some part-time work, and wouldn 't you know it, a one-day-a-week job opened up . While I have entered a new phase of my lifewith a new home , satisfying work, an enriching relationship , a stronger half of each week. I explored a second relationship with a woman, who was also a single pare ntonly for us both to disco ver that we are gay.
What happens when you reach 50, your relationship ends, your coparenting arrangement changes, and your career becomes unsatisfying? Is there
50 for a single, gay man?
I went back to graduate school to obtain a second master 's degree in early childhood education. In order to continue coparenting, I chose to stay in the Pioneer Valley of western Massachusetts, even though it meant again being underemployed for a number of years as I moved from daycare work to private school teachihg, and eventually to · a more lucrative public school teaching career.
During those years I experienced a variety of living situations-single roommat es, a group household with other adults and children , alo ne my daughter. I had my first short-term relationship with an older gay man, was single fo r several years , and then had a 1'0-year relationship with a younger man. We even bought a hou se together-my first, at age 43
I had accomplish ed a lot: e0ming out to mysel( family, friends, colleagues , and my elementary school community. That led to my "activist " years , when I cam e to honor myself as a gay man, a gay father, and a gay te acher, and to take a stand for gay youth and gay families. Ijoined the Pioneer Valley Gay Men's Chorus, volunteered as an AIDS buddy, was written abo ut as an openly gay teacher, and, along with my daughter, was a pan of the Love Makes a FamilY photo-essay exhibit and book ab out GLBT parents and their children (Family Diversi ty Prc;>ject/ University of Massachusetts Pres s, 1999) .
possibilities. Vlhile temping in a psychiatric hospital for seven months, I recognized my many marketable skills, learned new ones, an d receive d the validation and appreciation that ofte n were missing for me in teaching By taking a mediation training, I developed some new skills as well.
Although my savings disappeared during this time , at the point whe n I had to decide whether to return to teaching or not , my present position as director of support programs at · the MRC materialized My lower salary is co mp ensa ted by the satisfying work , and by a workplace where I give and receive support, get lots of validation, use my expertise, and ga in new skills. I look forward going to work and thoroughly enjoy my coworkers I s till missed having a relationship , so I tried pur.suing a few possibilities without success. Then last year something shifted my attention . My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to have a mastec tomy and chemotherapy, and my dad was also having health problems Dealing with my mom's illness actually brought my family into more regular contact and allowed us to become closer. My parents agreed to sell their house and move to an independent living community. We all pulled together to get th eir hou se rea dy for sale
I began to realize in this process that I didn' t have any equity if I needed to make a similar move in the future. My focus then shifted from looking for a relationship to purchasing·a home.
life after
family connection , and a supportive friendship co mmunity-! know that challenges lie ahead . Yet I feel more settled and content as my life falls · into place To top it off, jus t as I was finishing writing this column , I became a grandfather! I am looking forward to seeing my daughter 's family grow and my grandson develop
So now, as a 57-year-o ld gay man , I can truly say and feel : Yes, there is a rich, fulfilling life after 50.
Allan Amaboldi is th e MRC's director of support programs and a new grandfather. He writes for Voice Male
For mo re info or to submit new entries for Men's Resource Center GBQ Resources contact us at {413) 253-9887 Ext. 10 or voi cemale@ men sre sou rcece nter. org
AIDS CARE/Hampshire County G413),; 586z82f*l. Buddy Progra,m, transportation, S1JPB?n groups and much more free of charge tb peopl&livirig with HIV Southern Vermont Free, confidential .HIV/AlDS setvia'S, irlc1uding suppon, prevention counsehrig and volun:teer opportunities.
'· wvV"•u. Monday; 7-9 p.m., 236 No. P,!easant St;reet,
LOVINGKINDNESS & COMPASSION
Conversations and Guided Meditation Evenings For Men
Led by Rob Okun, M.Ed ..
MONDAYS 7- 9 P.M.
NOVEMBER 24 DECEMBER 15
JANUARY 12
Synthesis Center
274 No. Pleasant St. , Amherst
No Fee : Dana (Donations) only
For more info/to register
Contact: Rob at (413) 253-7918 raokun@aol.com
Amherst, MA. For information : Allan Arnaboldi , (413) 253-9887 , ext. 10.
Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project
Support: shelter, advocacy and referral services for male victims of domestic violence (800) 832-1901. Offices in eastern and western Mass. www.gmdvp.org
GLAD (Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders) Gay&: Lesbian Advocates &: Defenders is New England's leading legal rights organization dedicated to ending discrimination based on sexual orientation, HIV status and gender identity and expression. 30 Winter Street, Suite 800, Boston , MA02108.1Cl: 617-426-1350, Fax: 617-426-3594, Email: URL: 'MYWglad.01g , Legal Information Hotline: (4523)
Trained volunteers work one-on-one with callers to provide legal information, support and referrals- within New England.
Weekday afternoons, 1:30-4 :30 ; English and Spanish.
GLAD's Legal Information Hotline is completely confidential.
GLASS (Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Society)
GLBT Youth Group of Franklin County Meets every Wednesday evening in Greenfield. Information : (413) 774-7028.
GLBT Community Center
Project of Western Mass ; Variety of infonnation and activities for GLBT youth and adults. Contact: Sarah Liros (413) 582-0793 ; www queerhamp.org.
HIV Testing Online: (800) 750-2016.
Men's Health Project
Contact: Hutson Innis (413) 586-2016. Education, prevention services, and counseling for men's health issues , especially HlV/AlDS. Springfield, Northampton, Greenfield. Thpesoy Health Servires.
Monadnock Gay Me n
hitp://members.aol.cofn/monadgay/index.html or e-mail monadgay@aol.com.
PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays)
PFLAG·Pioneer Valley. Monthly meetings are second Wednesday of each month at Franklin Medical High St. Greenfield, from 7-9 p.m jane Harris , aharris@valinet.com,
(413) 625-6636. Help Unes: (617) 547-2440, (978) 579-9769, (781) 749-7730. Speakers Bureau: (978) 562-4176.
Pride Zone - GLBT Youth Group of the Pioneer Valley
Meetings every Thursday at Pride Zone Center, 34 Maplewood Shops , Northampwn. Socializing, discussions, and games. Qpen for evening drop-ins Sunday, Monday, Thursday, Friday (413) 584-1116.
Proyecto Vida
Proyecto Vida is a group for Latino men who love other men. Cultural, social and health activities 1655 MainSt, #504, Springfield (413) 747-4185.
Steppingstone
Transgender peer support and social group in Worcester, MA. Meetings 2nd and 4th Thursday of month, 7:00p.m. Information: (508) 770-9043; Steppingstone4u @yahoo.com.
The Stonewall Center (413) 545-4824 University of Mass., Amherst. A lesbian , bisexual, gay, and transgender educational resource center.
Straight Spouse Network
Support groups and counseling for spouses of GLBT adults. Contact: jane Hanis, (413) 625-6636; ahanis@valinet.com.
The Sunshine Club
Suppon and educational activities for rransgendered petsons Information: (413) 586-5004. PO. &lx564, Hadley, MA 01305 ; www.umass.edwstonewalVsunshine
T.H.E. Men's Program (Total HIV Education)
Contact: Glen johnson (802) 254-4444, Brattleboro, vr Weekly/ monthly social gatherings , wmkshops, and volunteer opportunities.
Valuable Families
Gatherings and newsletter for everyone who supports, cherishes, and respects our lesbian , gay, and bisexual families of origin and of choke. Information: (41;3) 774-2558; PO. Box 60634, Florence , MA 01061 ; va!fams@maildty.com.
Venture Out
Organized activities, usually of the outdoors variety, for gays and lesbians Contact: Elizabeth Wilbranks (413) 527-6582; PO. Box 60271 , Florence, MA 01062. Ventureout@geodti es .com.
MARK CARMIEN & STEVE LUCAS - Shopkeepers
Is "Gay" on the Way Out?
The End of Gay (and the death of heterosexuality)
by Bert Archer
Fusion Press, England 2002 (233 pp .)
bert archer
THE END OF GAY
ByCariErikson
Another of his intriguing conversations takes us into the famous Kinsey Report and the "1 0 percent of men are homosexuals" statement always attributed to it Later, h e questions the whole rationale of Kinsey 's sexuality continuum (pure heterosexuality to pure homosexuality). Archer hints that he sees the whole notion of sexual identity as an anomaly of the last 150 years that is finally disapp earing. Sexual behavior before the mid-19th century, he argues from various sources , was simply an impromptu choice of the partners, a matter of momentary attraction and response. Few people gave this any more importan ce than it had for the partners themselves From the mid-19th century until recendy, on the other hand , this response was used to assign character; limits, and expectations to the partners as individuals In :recent years and in increasingly numerous ways, Archer says that the power of these limits and 'expectations has been undermined by the sheer joy and pleasure of attractions , particularly in you ng people
To summarize with any accuracy Bert Archer's The End of Gay (and the death ofheterosexu ality) is impossible. The presentation is too complex , and Archer's writing and thinking styles too florid to:permit a tidy summation. This is not to say that The End of Gay is not worth the effort or that its thesis is dull and poindess. Quite the contrary
Simply put , Archer argues that identities and labels-related to race , gend er, sexuality, nationality- have their usefulness in political discourse and in raising consciousness, but there comes a time when they box in the efforts of individuals and the public to move on to consideration of our "real " identities. That time has arrived in the realm of sexual identity. Although public discussion is still attac hed to sexual identity as a status, individual behaviors across a wide spectrum of our society are already moving beyond it. Also , the label of gay sexual identity is now increasingly being u sed as a way to judge people politically, rather than to know them as human beings Too many people, Archer says, are " (l)iving the ideology of life rather than the experience of life , accumulating co ncepts and slogans about experience instead of living inside of experience"(page 207)
Simplicity, however; does not describe Archer's presentation The End of Gay is a fascinating, sometimes overwhelming, occasionally jarring trip through an astounding range of topics and connections History of various kinds Contemporary music. Film. Semantics Biblical <4egesis. Philosophy of attractions . Street sex. Never is this potpourri dumped on the page it were a very specllit. trea't, Willi a hitiden pleMtk found at its core. Even at his most · moments , he can elicit in us an "oh, my" of mtrigue. The most fa.?ctnafuig stbry Artne't offers concerns the role the U.S. Army and the rest of the American military played in creating homophobia in the United States during World War II and in the immediate postwar years
Unfortunately, Archer's writing often distracts the reader from the pleasure and fascination he can provide It tends to be quirky in syrirax and full of barely sustainable flows of words Sometimes the charm of these diversions , ironically, leads the reader to swim with the words themselves rather than grapple with the ideas and information in the book. Fortunately, The End of Gay is relatively brief at 233 pages, so the effort to stay focused on Archer's provocative ideas is possible , and rewarding, if somewhat a struggle at times.
An interesting companion read for The End of Gay is Th e Future of Love by Daphne Rose Kingma. This is more philosophical and spiritual than The End of Gay , but comes to similar conclusions regarding the current evolution of relationships.
A writer, actor, and textile artist, Carl Erikson is director of operations at the Men's Resource Cenier:
Do you have one of the following items that you could donate to the MAC? Or do you know someone who might?
.. Digital c me a a scanner • rail file cabinets a B!lo kcasc(s), espec ially thos e with taU shelV.&$ ':! ' a Cou'ob ln od cnn ' • If you can ' donate any of these or other items, contact Carl Erikson at cerikson@rnensresou.reecenter. org or (413) 253-9887, ext. 13
(The journey Home to Honesty, cont. from page 13)
In my first years in recovery I began taking notes in a meeting when someone shared their wisdom , something I do to this day. Those notes are golden. Without mentioning people, places , or specifics, here 's a couple things I heard in rooms around America: "Let us love you until you can love yourself." "Let there be no gossip , or criticism, only love, understanding, and companionship." When I was hungry, angry, lonely, and tired (an acronym is HALT), it was at that frequent crossroads of conflicted emotions or situations that I would most likely act out. The road to healing is seldom straight and smooth. Even after entering sexual recovery, I was carded by security officers in one location during a slip. It happens . I've learned not to crucify myself for those incidents, but remain convinced that sobriety as we each define it for ourselves is hard won , and regaining it remains h arder and more painful than maintaining it. All these years later I know the wolf of addiction is still outside the door of my life, doing pushups. Only the other day someone said that an actingout event is not the end of a slip, it's the beginning I had to think on that , and then realized that when I have slipped it is usually because I am not working the steps and using the tools of recovery
The book Answers in the Heart , a daily meditation tool , has been a constant uplift for prayer and suppon It has also been wonderful to learn that in the ancient times of my Celtic ancestors we gay folks were sacred and blessed and not condemned (Some Native
(To Know and Be Known , cont. from page 17)
as speaking about pain or fear. Showing love througlfil'cl'iotl' is important ; but if then:: is no language to confirm that love , often the other person is left wondering. This is especially true for children
I hope that my children will never have to walk into my office and fear my reaction when they speak their own truth about our relationship just as I did , they will have to sort through my legacy; I hope they will begin that process much earlier than I did-and that they 'll do it panly b y talking with me
Israeli researcher Ricky Pelach-Galil found that fathers b eco me central figures in boys ' lives at around age l3 or 14. "They observe him closely : his routines , his habits , his values, his accomplishments ,and his Boys measured the quality of their relationship with their father by their ability to talk with him about their feelings , about real things they struggle with Pelach-Galil also found th at at this critical developmental juncture, the majority
of boys in her study became very aware of their fathers ' distance from them .
Long before the teenage years, childrenboys and girls- need fathers who can know and be known They need fathers who know their interests , who their friends are , what they're doing in school. They need fathers who ask questions , listen, and get involved They also need dads who can be known.
"Being known" m eans sharing who you are and how you fee1 It means being able to show your strengths and weaknesses , fears and joys. It means being vulnerable As men , many of us carry around those fears from boyhoodthat we will be taken advantage of, attacked , or put down for showing our vulnerabilities As adults we need to remember that vulnerability cultivates intimacy.
In my work I speak to young people and their parents around the country about their relationships with their fathers. At the end of each presentation I ask them to write down rwo things they've always wanted to ask their fathers but never have. Consistendy, the top rwo responses are : "What was your relationship like with your father?" and "What was your childhood like?" Children want and need their fathers ' stories . I call it the "elephant in the living room " of child development: the missing stories of men ' s lives--,-particularly men' s emotional lives.
If my father had told me how he was sent away to military school and how his father always called him "s tupid , " it might have made a difference . lfhe had had the courage to tell me
American trib es viewed us that way as we ll. ) I appreciate the wisdom of such history that is not often shared or eas ily found I I am also grateful that no re ligion or organiza tion on the I planet will ever condemn my love for men or human sexuality again an d not h ear about it. It is an honor to be able to s hare my sto r y, to be in reco very for over nin e years and to continue to pledge to remain sober for th e res t of today I pray that in a few years sexual addiction will b e talked about openly an d frankly as but another of the chall enges we "humansexuals" encounter I have truly learned th at we are all related and all sacred on this planet. My recovery has brought me back home to my heart May I have the humility and serenity to n ever forget that , and to remain on the Path
"joe C ". is a resident of th e Northeast , a psyc hoth era pist, a double rainbow warrior and a synthesist celebrating th e vision of gay men and straight men leamingfrom each other in community His story was also previously shared in th e quarterly newslet ter of Proje c t Speakout: GLBT Voi ces for Recovery.
(www.gaycen ter orglprograms/ mhs s/speakout.htm)
how hopefu l h e was when I was b orn or how scared h e was when his relationship wi th my mother began to fall apart , it might have made a difference If h e had had the courage to share himself, to let down the walls b erween u s, I might not have rep ea ted some of his mistakes. Instead of having to confront h im in his office, maybe we would have gone out to lunch that day
john Badalament, Ed M. , directed the accla imed PBS documentaryfilm All Men Are Sons: Exploring the Legacy of Fatherhood A Harva rd -trained counselor and human development speda list , he is a national lecturer, trainer, and educational consultant to schools , parent groups , mental hea lth professionals, corrections departments, and universities. His work focuses on developing the emotiona l lives of men and bays and their relationships with ot hers.
RESOURCES
Men's Resources
(Resources fo r Gay, Bi sexual & Qu es tion in g Men , see pa ge 19)
The American Cancer Society ( 4 13) 734-6000 Prostate s up po rt g r o u ps , patient s up pon groups , nu rri tio nal sup ple men ts , dressings an d supplies , li teratu re , low-cost h ousing, and trans p orta tion .
Brattleboro Area AIDS Project 802) 254-4444; fr ee , co n fi d e n tial H IV/ AID S services, including suppon , preven tion counseling a n d vo lunteer opp o r tun ities
Children 's Aid and Family Service (4 l3) 584-5690 Special needs ad op tion services. Co unseling for inclivid uals , families and childre n , wi t h a p lay thera p y roo m fo r wo r king wi th ch il dr e n Pa r e n t a id progra m for pare nt s experiencing s tress.
HIV Testing Hotline: (800) 75 0- 20 16
Interfaith Community Cot Shelter 582 -9505 (d ays) o r 58 6- 6750 (eve nin gs).
Overnight s h elter for h omeles s in d ividu a ls123 Hawley St. , Northamp tO n Doors open at 6 p .m.
Men at Work is a Ma in e n o np rofit provi di ng opp ortuni ties for m en 18 and over to sh are their stor i es and learn li fe impr ove m e nt s kill s . Fa th erh ood, re la tio n s h ips, hea lth , agi n g , o u r fa thers , ad clictions , m ento ring, an d more lrained p rofession als fac ili ta te Free walk-in cliscu ssion gro up (M an to Man) m ee ts in Ponland m onthly, 7 to 9 p m on first Thu rs day, exce pt July and Au gus t. Resid e ntial p rograms (o n e to three d ays) also offe red Fo r m ore info rma tio n call Steve a t 207 -86 5-20 48 or check out w.vw. hea lingmen.co m
Sex &love Addicts Anonymous (SlAA)
(800) 7 49 -6879 Referrals avail abl e fo r 12-s tep gro up s th ro u gh o ut New En glan d
TRY Resource/Referral Center for Adoption Issues
Edu ca tio n and s u p p o rt ser vi ces fo r a doptees , adop tive p arents , p rofessionals , e tc Su p p o rt group mee tings firs t Wednesday and third Sunday of eac h m onth Ann H e nr y- (41 3 ) 58 4-65 99
Fathers
Fathers with Divorce and Custody Concerns
Looking for a lawyer' Call you r s tate b ar association lawye r referra l age n cy. I n Massach u se tt s th e
nu m b er is 1- 800 -392 - 6 1 64 H ere a r e so m e
w eb s it es th a t m ay b e o f u s e to yo u :
www.acfc.org *
wwwja th eri ng.o rg
www dad scan.org
www.d ivo rcedfa th er:co m
wwwja th erh oodproject org
www.dads rights org * * (not www. dadsri gh ts.co m)
wwwjat her'S .com
wwwjat herh oo d org
wwwjat her:s network. org
www.divo rcehq.com *
www. divo rcewiza ,·ds.co m *
www.geociti es .com/Heart land! Meadow s/1259/l in ks. htm *
www. mens tuff. org!fra mein dex html (Fath erstuff)
* good reso urce
* * strongly reco mm e nde d
At Home Dad
www. paren tspl ace .co m/ rea droo m/ athom edad
The Fathers Resource Center
www slowlane co m(frc
National Fatherhood Initiative
www cyfc. umn .edu / Fath ern et
The Fatherhood Project
www jat herh ood project org
Internet Resources
Men 's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts
www mensresourcecente r: org
The Men 's Bibliography
A co mpreh ensive onlin e bibliography o f writing o n m e n , mas c uliniti es and sexu a liti es. http ://www anu .edu .au/ -all24 65/ mensbiblio/ m ensbi bli omenu html 1
XY Magazine http ://www anu .edu au/ - all2465/XY!xyfhtm
Pro-feminist Men 's FAQ http ://www anu. edu .au/ -all24 65!pffaq html
Pro-feminist Men 's Mail list htt p://www.a nu .edu au/ - all24 65/ profem html
Violence Statistics
http ://www.a nu .edu au/ -a ll2 465/vstats .html
Homophobia and Masculinities Among Young Men (lessons in becoming a straight man) http://onli ne anu .edu au! - all2465/homoph obia html
National Men 's Resource Center
www men stuif. org
Na tional calendar of events , directory o f men's services and a listing of boo ks for positive change in m en 's roles and rela ti onships
The Men 's Issues Page www vix. com/ pub/ men/index html
100 Black Men, Inc. www.lOObm. org
Pro-feminist Men's Groups listing www.Jemin is t. co m/ pro. htm
Pro-feminist Mailing list http ://co ombs. anu edu au/-gorkin!profem html
Magaz1nes
Achilles Heel (from Great Britain) www. stej onda dem on.co. uk/achilles/ issues.html
XY: men , sex politics (from Australia) http ://coombs. anu. edu.au/-gorkin/XY/xyintro htm
Ending Men's Violence-Real Men www cs utk edu/-bartley!oth er/ rea lMen.htm l
The Men's Rape Prevention Project www mrpp .org!intro html
Quitting Pornography, Men Speak Out www. geocities.com/CapitalHill/1139/quitporn.htm l
THE MEN 'S RESOURCE CENTER
is tru!Y !l communit;y organization. We have grown to where we are because hundreds of people have shared our inspirati on and com mitment, and contributed their time, seryices, and money toward a vision of personal and social transformation As our programs and services continue to grow in size and scope, we see that the size and scope of our com munit;y support also expand. We are filled with deep gratitude at the outpouring of support We hope the followIng acknowledgments co mmunicate a sense of being part of a growing co mmunity of support Thank you.
Community Members of Advisory CommiHees
Anti-Racism Committee: Shellie Taggart; Development Committee: Lorraine Hart;
(Continued from previous page)
Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Hampshire County
We are looking for men to be Big Brothers in the Hampsh ire County area. Big Brothers act as mentors and role mod els to boys who need a caring adult friend. To learn more about being a Big Bro ther, call (413) 25 3-25 91.
Planned Parenthood of Western MA (413) 732-2363 Outreach vo lunt eers wanted to help distribute information about Planned Parenthood's services, promOte safe sex practices , and rally support for pro-choice legislation at various events.
Men's Resource Center (413) 253-98B7 Disni.bution, ad sales and mailings for Voice Male, general office work, special projects , etc. Flexible schedules.
Gay/ Bisexual/ Questioning Men Committe e:
Michael Baumgartner, Aedric Frechelle , Hutson Inniss , WAVE Kapler, Adrian
Montagano, Raymond Owens, Bob Reardon , john 'Trainor
Donated Space
Baystate Health S>'stem ; Network Chiropractic, Greenfield ; Northampton Council on Aging ; Earthcare!Gordon and Melanie Fletcher-Howell
Grant Support
Massachusetts Bar fuundation , Women's Fund of Western Massachusetts, Jarget Stores Foundation
ln·Kind Donations
Amherst Welding ; Baystate Health System ; Bruegger's Bagels, Amherst ; Co llective Copies , Amherst ; Henion Bakery, Amherst ; Susan Omilian , La Veracruzana, Amherst; jim Levey (telephones)
Office Volunteers
Dennis Forfa, joe Kwiecinski, john R.oot
Student Intern
john King
Voice Male Distribution
Solomon Granor, juliu s Nan na , Melissa Sidman, Schultz, Amherst College Community Service vo lunteers
As always, we extend our gratitude to the MRC Board of Directors and Advisory Board for the ongoing guidance and support they give to thi s organization and all who a1·e a part of it We are also gratifu l to our volunteers who support us in so many ways.
Konza
CALENDAR
Please send all CALENDAR LISTING for · events from February 1 • June 1, 2004 (and beyond ) to :
VOIC E MALE (ALENDAR voicem a/e@mensresourcecenter. org
pr MRC , 236 N. Pleasant St. Amhe rst, MA 01002
Fa x (413) 253-4801
Dea dline for Winter Issue : JA NUARY 16, 2004
Sunday s, Octob er 5- Sw1day, Novem ber 9
Amh ers t, Massac huse tts
Men &Div orce
This Me n' s Reso urce Center's works hop helps m en find their way th roug h the divorce pro cess on the way to a positive co nclu s ion to th e trans ition. Six Sundays, 3-5 p .m .
Cost : $125 (a d vanced enrollment re quired)
location: Men 's Re source Center, :2.36 North Pleasant Sn eer, Amh erst
Information : Carl Erikson , 253-9887 , ext. 13; ceril<son @men sresourcecen ter. org
Fall2003
Amh ers t, Mas sac hu se tts
Men Dealing with Depression
Weekly se1ies for 8 to 10 partici pan ts-requiiing an eight-wee k co mmitm ent-provi ding information for in creased ins ight an d und ers tanding of depression in m e'n and regular support among participants ii1 th e group. Led by Allan Amaboldi, M.A.. M.Ed. , MRC directo r of s upport programs, and joy Kaubin , LCSW, MOVE services coordinaror for Franklin County Will begin this fall and n1eet either Friday afternoon s or Tu es days midday, dep endirlg on needs of participa nts.
Cost: $20/ sessio n ; low-irl orne s ubs idy slots may be availab le location: Reso urce Ce nt er, 236 North Ple asa nt Street , Amherst Information : Call t he Men's Reso urce Ce nter, ( 413 ) 253-98 87, Allan Amabo ldi ext. 10 , joy Kaubin ext. 23
October 13 - December 1
Barre , Ma ssachus etts
What to Say When You Don't Agree
This program series is designed to help peo ple reach satisfYing ends to th eir conllicts. lmagine beirlg able to comp etently h andle yourself in an argument and b eirlg able to reso lve it wi thout flight and without fight. Use this m e thod of communica tion and con flic t reso lution to enrich your relation s hips.
Cost: $225 -$ 2 75 on a sli ding sca le location: Lis te nin g, 35 South Stree t Information : Emily@ 978 -355 -6685 or Karen @ 978 -5 44 -3844
Tt1esday, October- 21 , 7:30 p m
Boston, Mas sachusetts literary to Benefit the Men's Initiative for Jane Doe Inc.
Celebratin g m en's work and co mmuni ty fo r ending men' s violence against women, c hildren , and men Featuring novelist Andre Dubus Ill, poet and writer Richard Hoffman, and poet and writer Charles Coe
Cost: Tickets $20 location: Emmanuel College, Cardinal Cushirlg Library Lecture Hall, 400 Th e Fenway Information: Advance ticket purchase' strongly reco mmended. (617) 557-1830 or mensinitiative @janedoe.o rg. To purchase tickets on-line: http ://wwwJanedoe org!donate (select SPECIAL EVENT). Directions: www.emmanuel edu
Friday, October 31 , 2003- Sunday, May 23 ,2004
Petersham , Massachusetts
The Mythic Warrior: Men's Search for Masculinity and the Sacred
A 9-month training meetmg one weekend a month, for men who want to develop confidence and a new sense of sel£ Depth psychology, ritual , initiatory activities, and group processes will be us ed to create pos(tive masculinity that heals ourselves, and o ui'families
location: Eanhlands Retreat Center Information: Sp arrow Han , (802) 387-6624 or Garry Alesio , (845) 371-8046, write: Circles of Air and Stone, P.O. Box 48 , Pumey, VT 05346; email: sparrow@toge ther.net
November 5- November 9 Miami Beach, Florida
16th Annual "Creating Change Conference"
This conference centers around the political movement for gay, les bian , bisexual and transgender justice, fre edom and equ ality Through workshops , caucuses and skills academy training sessions , the conference teach es the essential skills needed to address social and economic justice at the state and local leve l. Information: For questions, or to regis ter for the conference call: (202) 639-6333, visi t onlirle: www.matingchange.org, email: creatingchangemiami @hotmail.com
Sunday, Novem ber 9, 2-5 p.m Montague , Massachusetts
Harvest Schmoozefest
Safe social connection around an activity for gay, bisexual, and other men who love men. Food, fun, and good srnmoozing. Sponsored by the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts and T.H.E. Men 's Program of Brattleboro. location: Montague Grange
Information: Contact Allan Amaboldi at the Men's Resource Center, (413) 253-9887, eA't. 10 ; aarnabo ldi @ men.sresourcecenter.org
Sunday, November 16
Holyoke, Massachusetts
8th Annual Challenge & Change Awards Celebration
Celebrate with the Men 's Reso u rce Center as it honors Ronnjohnson, Gail Kielson and jesse Maceo Vega - Frey, 2003 Challenge & Change award recipients. Scintillating conversation, s umptuous brunch, dazzlirlg awards ceremony
Meet old and new mends, appreciate the widening Men's Resource Center community.
Cost: Tickets: $35-75 as your means allow location: Log Cabin Banquet & Meeting House, 50 Easthampton Road, Holyoke
Information: Advance reservations required
Write : aarnaboldi@ mensreso urc ece nt er org, J (413) 253-9887 Ext. 10. To purchase tickets on-line: www. mensresourcecenter. org
Looking to Connect?
Contact C arl Erikson at 253-98g7, or mrc@mensresourcecenter.org '
SUPPORT GROU P PROGRAMS
• Open Men 's Group
Su nday s 7- 9 p.m. at the MRC Amherst office Tuesdays 6:45 - 8:45 p m. at the Council on Aging, 240 Main St., Northampton Wednesdays 7-9 p.m in Greenfield at Network Chiropractic , 21 Mohawk Trail (lower Main St.). A facilitated drop-in group for men to talk about their lives and to s upport each other
• Men Who Have Experienced Ch il dhood Abuse and Neglect
Specifically for m en who have experienced any kind of c hildhood abuse or neglect. Fridays 7- 8:30p.m. at the MRC.
• Gay, Bisexua l & Questio ning Mondays 7- 9 p m. at the MRC. Discussion group on issues of sexual orientatio n.
• GBQ Schmoozefest Events
Seasonal events with catered food , an and music , opportunities fo r interac ting with GBQ men and ot h er men w h o love men from Springfield to Brat tl eboro an d beyond Aprill3, June 1 , 3- 5 :30 p.m. at the Garden Hou se, Look Park , Northampton , Mass
FATHERING PROGRAMS
• A variety bf resources are available -Fathers and Family Network monthly workshops, lawyer
referrals , parenting guidance, workshops, educational presentations and conferences Group and individual counseling for new and expectant, separated/divorced , gay, step , adoptive and other fathers /fa ther figures.
YOUTH PROGRAMS
• Young Men of Color Leadership Project Amhers t
• Young Men 's Leadership Development/Violence Prevention Holyoke &: Northampton
MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE (MOVE)
MRC state-certified batterer intervention program serves both voluntary and court-mandated men who have been physically violent or verbally/ emotionally abusive. Fee subsidies available
• Basic Groups
Groups for se lf-referred (20 weeks) and courtmandated (40 weeks) men are held in Amherst, Athol , Ware, Springfield, and Greenfield
• Follow-up
Groups for men who h ave co mpleted the basic program and want to continue working on these issues are available in Northampto n , Greenfield and Amherst.
• Partner Services
Ftee phone supp ort, resources, referrals and weekly support groups are available for partners of men in the MOVE program.
• Prison Groups
A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire County Jail and House of Corrections.
• Community Edu cation and Training
Workshops and training on domestic violence and clinical issues in barterer interVention are available.
• Speakers ' Bureau
Formerly abusive men who want to share their experiences with others to help prevent family violence are available to speak at sc hools and human service programs
WORKSHOPS & TRAINING
• Men & Divorce
This NEW workshop s eries can h elp you get yo ur bearings and find your way through the divorce process to reach a successful conclusion in this tranSition Six Tuesday evenings Sep tember 9-0ctober 14, 7-9 pm. $90 At MRC , 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst. For information , call Carl (413) 253-9887, Ext. 13.
• Workshop s available to colleges, schools , human service organizations , and businesses on topics s uch as "Sexual Harassment Preven tion and Response ," "Strategies and Skills for Educating Men," "Building Men's Community," and "Challenging Homophobia, " among other topics Specific trainings and consultations also available.
PUBLICATIONS
• Voice Mal e
Published quarterly, the MRC magazine includes articles, essays , reviews and resources , and services related to m e n and mas culinity
• Children , Lesbians and Men : Men 's Experien ces as Known and Anonymous Sperm Donors
A 60-page manual which answers the questions men have , with first-person accounts by men and women "who have been there. "
RESOURCE & REFERRAL SERVICES
• Information about events, counselors , groups, local , regional and national activities , and support programs for men.
\
8th Annual Challenge &Change Celebration
November 16, 2003 • Brunch Awards Celebration
Ronn Johnson
Gail Kielson
Jesse Mace o Vega -Frey