Priests , Power, and Control • Divine Sec rets of the Ya-Ya Brotherhood • Finding Pride in My Gay Son
Man Majors in Women 's Stud ies • Ophelia's Fathe r Speaks
Uncovering the D.ivine Secrets of the Ya- Ya Brotherhood
By Rob Okun"M
ost men haven't a clue how to build and maintam the rich friendships that women take for granted ." So wrote Boston Globe columnist Sam Allis a couple of months ago in a rumination on Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood , the novel and film celebrating the power of friendship among women Uke a wide-eyed kid looking in a candy store window, Allis saw how sweet and deep conn ection among women is and said , "I want that , too."
Who can blame him--or any man who assesses his life and notes with sadness or res igna tion that his friendships with men don't go as dee p or feel as connected as those he o bserves am ong women ? Me n "bonding" on the golf course, kibitzing about the Red Sox, or conde mning the lates t tales of corporate greed aren' t cultivating lifelong bonds where fears are · shared , help is sought, souls are bared What's preventing men from getting close to one anoth er? How to understand this ongoing case of fri endship envy?
The answer lies in solving a riddle "What d o you call a man who shares his fears with an o th er man , seeks help fro m another man, an d bares his soul to another man?" " I don't kn ow-what?" ''A fag ." The Oracle of Masc ulinity has always known this simple , frightening truth. Accordingly, men's "divine se cret" to enjoying deep connec tion and m eaningful friendship with other men is overco ming homophobia-wo rking through o ur unadulterated, red-blooded fear of m en who love other men.
Men's views of b eing intimate with another person have been so tightly wrapped into our views of b eing sexual with ano ther person that m os t of us find distinctions blurred We're afraid if we hug another man, cry with another man , admit to another man we sometimes feel scared , he might get the "wrong" idea and we'll be labeled gay. (As if that were a bad thing ) Co nside r, though, that if a woman hugs an o th er woman , cries with another woman, a nd ac knowledges her fears to another w o man , s he 's not lab eled a lesbian--she's described as healthy!
The culture of conventional masculinitythe on e that tells men to go to war and to come hom e and not talk about ir-has always required men to ke ep their feelings in the close t. "We don' t want a bunch of blubbering firem en anc! policemen shedding tears and hugging one another after a hard day's workthat 's-n o t manly," society seems to say. Of course that' s exactly what the firefighters and ? ffic ers did a year ago (along with other rescu e workers , wom e n among them), wading through the rubble of the World Trade Center. Progress m ay b e slow but the secret is out , a nd m o re and more men are challenging th e old ways.
Men are uncovering the divine secrets of the "ya-ya brotherhood" in m en 's groups and fathers' gath erings in small towns and big cities around the U S , and , happily, in co mmunities around the world . (A delegation
of 15 from men's centers around Sweden visited the Men's Resource Center in April ; two dozen japanese men are due in january ) That's to be celebrated But there's a long way to go. just as men bear responsibility to work on ending violence against women, we have another challenge : overcoming homophobia. It is the civil rights issue of our time , and men-fathers and sons , brothers and uncles , workers and thinkers , movers and shakers-(regardless of our own sexual orientation) are invited to join the struggle Freeing ourselves frbm a lifelong prejudice is liberating, offering rewards which may be the greatest we've ever known : the deep, abiding affection, connection , and love of other men
Breakthroughs in men's understanding of our inner lives are expressed throughout this issue, beginning with Merle Thompson's " Men, Sex, and the Soul " (page 8), a brave and honest account of how one man has dealt with sexual tension In ''A Perfect Groundswell" (page 10) , Lanie Pryor reports on the model work of men i1;1 Gloucester, Mass , as they invite other males to challenge domestic violence The damage domestic violence can wreak is eloquently conveyed in "Maggie 's Legacy" (page 11), an account of what happened to author Susan Omilian's niece, murdered by her ex-boyfriend Michael Dover exposes as a lie the labeling of pedophilia by priests as a "gay" issue in "Priestly Abuse : It 's About Power and Control " (page 12) l.es Wright 's Men & Health column (page 13) updates a complacent public about the AIDS epidemic , fearuring autobiographical reflections of San Francisco in the 1980s ln his Fathering column (page 14) , · jeff Ellis articulates both struggles "andjoys as he's redefined his ideas about masculinity in "Finding Pride in My Gay Son ." College srudent Shaun Michael Filiault invites his brother srudents to broaden their horizons in "Why I'm Majoring in Women's Srudies" (Voice of Youth , page 17). In "Gay Men: A Force for Social Change " (Outlines , page 18) , Carl Erikson argues convincingly that gay men have much to teach society about nonviolence, emotional literacy, and deep connection Another route to acquiring those attributes can be found in Managing Editor Michael Burke's review of Dads and Daughters, the new book by joe Kelly about the father-daughter bond.
1 like the bounty of fall harvest, there is much to celebrate about men and our growth in the cornucopia of ideas in this issue . Enjoy. And remember, we like to hear from you Write us at mrc@mensresourcecenter.org
Administrative Staff
&ecllflrs Dlllt:tor - Steven Botkin
Associate Dlllt:tor- Rob Okun
Dlllt:tor of DPIIItloas- Carl Eriksbn
IJIJrelopmeat Coordlaator- Spirit Joseph
Men Overcoming VIolence
Dl11t:tor- Russell Bradbury-Carlin
Cllalt:BI SlptHriSDI - Sara Elinott
lllfBke Coordlutor/CD•tt Ualson - Steve Trudel
P1ff1111 Slrrlt:#IS Coord/Uto; - Jan Eidelson
Fra11klln County CoordllltDI -Joy Kaubin
lllmpt/111 Cou11ty Coonllllator- Scott Girard
/lorth Qubbl• Ctlmmllalty Ed11t:Btor - Tom Sullivan
Admllllstratlre Coordlutor- Edgar Cancel
SroiiP Ludm- James Arana Eve Bogdanove Russell Bradbu ry-Carlin. Karen Fogliatti Scott Girard Steve Jefferson. Joy Kaubin Dot LaFratta Gary Newcomb Susan Omilian. Tom Sullivan. Steve Trudel
lmmigran• and Refugee Program
Dlllt:tor - Juan Carlos Arean
Youth Programs
CooniiiiBfDI- Jeff Harris &roup Leld11- Edgar Cancel
Voice Male Magazine
Ednor- Rob Okun ' lhug/1g Ednor- Michael Burke
S11111or Editor - Steven Botkin
Dulgnlf- Chandler & Co
Copf Ell/tor- Michael Dover
Support Programs
Dlllt:tDt - Allan Arnaboldi
S•pport Sro•p Facilitators -Allan Arnaboldi. Michael Burke Andy Dennison. Jim Devlin Michael Dover. Carl Erikson Jerry Garofalo. Tim Gordon. Ken Howard Rick Kapler." Gabor Lukacs. Rick Martin. Bob Mazer. Peter McAvoy, Jim Napolitan Rob Paifet Nelson Pinette Roger Stawasz. Tom Schuyt, Chris Shanahan Sheldon Snodgrass. Bob Sternberg, John H Thompson. Les Wright
Board of Directors
Culr - Michael Dover
VIce Culr - Thom Herman
Clerk/TI'aSIIm - Peter Jessop
Membm -Jenny Daniell Bill Dowd Nancy Girard. Tom Gardner. Jack Hornor; Yoko Kato. Brenda Lopez, fi.fatnew Ouellet Sudhakar Vamathevan
Advisory Board
Michael Bardsley, Larry Beane. Dean Cycon. Bailey Ja ckson. Luis Melendez Matthew Morse. Cheryl Rivera. Elizabeth Scheibel. Diane Trode;man Felice Yeske/
Editor's Note
Opinions expressed herein may not represent the views of all staff. board or members of the MRC We welcome letters. articles. news items. article ideas and events of interest. We encourage unsolicited manuscripts. but cannot be responsible for their loss Manuscripts will be returned and responded to if accompanied by a stamped return en vii/ope. Send to Voice Male, 236 No Pleasant St.• Amherst MA 01002; mrc@valinet.com.
Advertising
For rates and deadlines call Voice Male Adverlising at 413-253-9881. Ext 20
Twenty Years o.f Men Showing ·Up By Steven Botkin
Awe mark the beginning of the 20th year of the Men's Resource Center; a growing interest in work" seems to be blossoming around us Social services organizations and health providers are recognizing boys and men as important constituencies with unmet Women's organizations are actively recruiting men as volunteers and staff. Corporations, sports clubs and government agencies are providing sexual harassment and violence prevention training to their (often mostly male) staff Grassroots men's groups are •forming to address men's isolation, men's violence against women, men's health , fathering, and mentoring.
As calls come in to the MRC from around the country, and groups from around the world visit us in Western Massachusetts, I am often asked how we have been able to create and sustain such a unique and exciting organization . While a thorough answer to that question is provided in our leadership training programs , the following lessons from the past 20 years seem particularly yaluable to share at this time 0f great possibility and great challenge To continue to do this work. we must :
Demystify the costs and ben17fits of masculinity. ' One essential foundation of our approach to men's work is a firm understanding that men are both privileged and damaged by gender roles and sexism. \Vhile these two aspects of male socialization-men as oppressors and men as victims-have often been presented as contraclictory and politically incompatible, we recognize that men's actual experience in fact co mbin es both dimensions into a powerful system of spcial conditioning . As a result of this more complete picture of men's experitmce we have been able to develop effective outreach, education and suppon strategies
Affirm men's nature Our belief that men are naturally loving , caring, and sensitive with women, children, and other men has informed ap of our work. We recognize that this is often buried under layers of mistrust and fear and protected by a hard crust of privilege, so that what we may see instead is isolation, dehumanization, and!or abus iveness. However; we also know that with suppon and encouragement, in a space of safety, men can reclaim their ability to be open and connected. This belief goes a long way toward creating an environment where learning and growth can happen. ·
Commit to being allies with women. Women have clearly led -the way for us to examine the roles masculinity, gender relations, and institutional sexism play in our lives It is also clear that we have an imponant pan to play as men in challenging rigid gender roles and dominating foitns of masculinity · Building ally relationships with women and women's has been a vital MRC goi!l from the beginning. As we develop relationships of equality, respect and trust we
contradict the legacies of hun , anger; fear and mistrust, and model what is possible between women and men. Together; we become a strong voice in the community.
Attend to men's emotional experience. The women's movement taught us that "the · personal is the political ." Men's emotional , repression, isolation and illiteracy are primary symptoms of rigid masculinity and often lead lo behaviors that are controlling, adclictive, and!or abusive. By creating opponunities for men to learn how to safely and compassionately attend to their own and others' emotional experience, we help men reclaim their full selves , teach an essential life. skill, build a strong community of connection and support, create a new culture of masculinity
'Direct!Y challenge men's violenc;e. All of us have been atlected in some way by men's violence or abuse A code of silence surrounds these experiences. We have learned to be afraid of "breaking ranks" and speaking out. One of the most powerful things we can do is to create an environment that suppons men to find ways to take a stand in challenging the masculine culture of talking together about our own experiences , by confronting others about their attitudes and behaviors, or by making a statement in our community.
Celebrate diversity among men The dominant male stereotype assumes that there is one "right way" to be a powerful male. This leaves most ,e f us feeling devalued, marginalized, and disempowered, while we attempt to "pass" by hicling the pans of ourselves that don't fit the image. By highlighting and honoring the great cliversity among 'men we expose the lie 9f the stereotype, and make room for the full range of men's
Show up. Many men and women have experienced physical and/or abandonment or betrayal by men who were imponant in their lives We have lost confidence that we can count on men to consistently show up Ar. the Men's Resource Center we have always seen men's work as a long-term commitment After 20 years of showing up , week after week atJ.d year after year; we have demonstrated that this work can be more than a passing fad. and that men can "be there" for one another, for their families and communitjes
We look forward to showing up for the next 20 years and beyond , I invite you to join us.
Connections
I just finished re ading the latest issue of Voic e Male As usual , I was impress ed by the depth and breadth of th e issues addressed as well as the de ep insight demonstrated by each ef the authors I was especially struck by Steven Botkin's column ("Director 's Voice: The journey to Healthy Manhood," Summer 2002), probably because it described and illustra ted a phenom eno n that I have bee n inviting many of my clients and students to consider as th ey examine their own or others' lives It seems to me that frequently the tendency is to be natve or stmplistic when attempting to unders tand dysfunctional behavior and!or to develop strategies for fulfilling goals. The many obvious as well as subtle influences in our lives build up this distorted view of how one is able to re\ate to others for th e love and co nn ec tion which is sq vital for our healthy existence. Botkin illustrates both the obvious and subtle and points the way, not only for men in this unique task of life , but for all people who wish to live in fulfilled ways It's good to hear voices which appreciate th e possibilities and options available to us ft's especially gratifying to be a wimess as Voice Male and th e MRC apply thes e principles in their good work. My best wishes for your continued success
Murray Wilhow Old Bethpage, N.Y
A "Healthy " Farewell , , ·
After four years and 15 columns , beginning with the Summer 1998 issue of Voice Male , the time has come for me to conclude my "Men &: Health" column, due to growing personal and professional demands
Writing for Voice Male has been a delightful opponunity to suppon the ytork of the Men's Resource Center. I am pleased to have had the outlet to speak my passion about men's health, and to have opened up more dialogue about our personal and collective physical hea lth needs As we journey through our emotional , political , and sociallives as men, our bodies are our constant companions deserving of the right kind of attention
I want to publicly ei<press my sincere thanks- to all the MRC staff wh o have made this column possible , especially Michael Burke and Rob Okun. Your suppon and guidance made the task easier, and I have enjoyed our working relationships Under your direction Voice Male has become a very positive vehicle for linking · and building male ' community, and 1appreciated the chance to share in a piece of it.
1 also want to thank the readership for their acceptance of the men's health column, and ·to wish all of us peace and health
joe Zaske
Albany, N Y
Voice Male Useful from Afar
I don' t 'remember exactly how I found your website [www mensresourcecenter.org] but from there I found your magazine , Voice Male I got th e issue you sent out and a lot of it is very thought-provoking and helpful. It's encouraging to know that although I am far ' removed geographically, I am not alone in my struggles.
Dwane Dover Phoen!X, Ariz
From the Mouths of (Boy) Babes
Occasionally, Zachary (my three-year-9ld) and I play a game catted "opposites " in which I te ll him a word and he tells me its opposite. These are incredibly simple, and he loves it. One evening, my mother was visiting, and she played with us Scratchy/s mooth, tall/shan ,
Internal Mediation -· Life Beyond Therapy .
higMow, ugly/beautiful , fu.stlslow-well, you get the idea Then my mother asked , :'Zachary, what 's the opposite of bey?" I clenched Every fiber of my gender-theorizing body tensed up Uh oh, I thought, here it comes, gender binarism , heterosexual dimorphic reasoning , gender-schematized ideation. I braced myself. Zachary took a few seconds. "Man," he said. Michael Kimmel Brooklyn, N Y
Editor 's Note: Letter writer Michael KimmeL t;1 professor of sociology, is a longtime friend of t(re Men's Resource Center-and Voice Male. He is the author of several books aboitrmen and masculinities.
Meaningfulness and Vision
Your effons affording men a new avenue of meaningfulness , vision and responsibility are exciting. My own personal journey in claiming my healthy manhood, and learning day by day that I can be a strong man while being vulnerable and flexible in my relationships to others and myself, has at 61 given me a way of life that, although not easy at times, has allowed me to take my place as a useful and valuable member of the human race I facilitate tWO men 's therapy groups and I will make the men in them aware of Voice Male . 1will bring iss ues to my retreats and display them the re and at my workplace In the meantime , I hope to drop in on one of your suppon groups when I get the op portunity
john Daubney Clifton Park , N.Y
Men Mov i'ng Mountains ·
We are glad to sponsor the MRC's Challenge &: Change celebration as Hosts We're both 90, both feeling our age and legally blind, which affects our ability' to keep the floods of mail in order which daily inundate us! I am particularly happy to see Greg Speeter honor,ed, since I have known and admired him for some 40 years. This is the time when all social action issues must be brough t together in a mighty protest movement which will really move mountains! The MRC is an enormously imponant element here Margaret and Lee Holt Amherst; Mass.
"Internal Mediation " is based on "The Work of Byron Katie " anp Thorn Herman is a certified Practitioner of the Work. Internal Mediation is a simple and radical process that fundamental ly alters -our relationship to our thoughts.
Thorn can be invited to present Intemal .Mediation 'to groups in a workshop setting. When invited Thorn works by donation He also works with clients individual ly through his psychotherapy practice in Northampton and Greenfield, MA. '
For more information check out Thorn's web site at:
Four Co mmunity Leade rs to Receive MRC's Challenge .& Cha nge Awards
An educator, a col!lmunity organizer; and two advocates to en d violence against women will receive awards from the Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts (MRC) at its seventh annual Challenge & Change Celebration. The event Randolph Bromery will be at the Log Cabin Banquet & Meeting House in Holyoke , Mass., on Thursday, November 7, from 6 to 9 p m Randolph Bromery, former chancellor of the University of Massachusetts, retired president of Springfield College, and interim president of Roxbury Community College; Greg Speeter; founder and executive director of the Priorities Pl-oject in Northampton, Mass.; Kathleen O'Neill Alexander, director of education and outreach for the Northwestern (Mass.) District Attorney; and Andy Bates, a 16-year-old anti-violence activist at Mahar Regional High School in Orange, Mass ., are this year's honorees. ·
Each yea\; the MRC recognizes members of the Western Massachusetts community who embody the values that the organization promotes : supporting men, challenging men's violence , and developing men 's leadership in ending oppression "We 're proud of the broad suppor t we have in the community,:' said MRC executive director Steven Botkin, "and this is our way of saying to all our neighbors, ' Look around you and see all the great work that 's happening. This is what we mean when we talk about challenge and change."'Randolph "Bill" Brom ery , a member of the now-famous' Tuskegee Airmen during World \1\.ar II, eamed his bachelor's in mathematics at Howard University and his in geology from johns Hopkins University, the latter while working for the U .S. Geological Survey. He joined the geol,ogy department at UMass in 1967, one of only seven African American faculty members He co-founded the Committee for the Collegiate Education of Black and Other Minority Students , which has assisted students at UMass for more than 30 years. In 1973 , as UMass chancellor, Dr. Bromery was insrrumental in securing a petmanent home for the archivhl writings of the civil rights pioneer and scholar WE. B Du Bois, for whom the library is named . .''In Dr. Bromery's life and work we see something of the history of race and racism in the 20th century, and of the courage and determination that dedicated men and women brought to
Greg Speeter
confront discrimination," said Botkin " His story is an inspiration as we continue the srruggle for equality and social justice."
Greg Speeter founded the National Pri orities Project (NPP) in 1982 as a way for community groups and the public tci understand and participate in critical federal budget decisions. He has been a featured speaker at conferences and training sessions for community organizers throughopt the country, has held budget briefings on Capitol Hill for members and their staff, and frequently appears in the media, providing analyses of budget policies. Before founding the Northampton-based organization, Speeter worked for six years at the Citizen Involvement Training Project in Amherst , where he authored training books on comm unity organizing and access to the political process Speeter began his career as a VISTA volunteer in 1966 in the North End of Spripgfield, Mass , and spent lO years as a community organizer and policy analyst. "Greg Speeter's work .· exemplifies how a , single citizen can take Kathy Alexander leadership in confronting political and economic decisions that affect the average person's life," said Rob Okun, MRC associate director. "It's easy just to vote every other November and think we've done our pan. Greg shows us there's a lot more to making a difference ."
Kathy Alexander is an educator, advocate, crisis interventi on counselor, organiza tional consultant, author, and activist. She was named · to receive the Challenge & Change Woman's Award, established in 2001. Kathy has worked · in the Office of District Attorney since 1989. She served several years as the director of victim wimess services before taking on her current position as director of educatio n and outreach She has done trainings throughout the United States on sexual assault, date rape, relationship violenc;e, creating healthy relationships , multiculturalism, the impact of domestic violence on children, and other issues Alexander is currently on the faculty of the Smith College School of Social Work. In 1985 she wrote Reclaiming Our Iives': A Handbook for N.ape Crisis Counselors and Educators in Massachusetts. She has also written a play on _ domestic violence, Imagine, which , was released on video in 1999. Russell Bradbury-Carlin, director of the MRC's Men · Overcoming Violence (MOVE) program, "She understands and suppons MOVE's effon to prevent family. vi\)lence in Western Mass Kathy knows we all have to work together to bring about change, and she's _ one of the most important people working to make our -region safe r."
' Ba tes, the recipient of the MRC's Ozzy Klare Memorial Youth Award , lives in Orange, Mass ., where he attends Mahar Regional High School. He has been an active participant in the District Attorney's Youth Violence Coalition: Creating Alternatives, as both a planner and conference attendee in 2001. Accorcling to Alexander, "Andy brings incredible skills as a peer mediator and an activist to confront violence and oppression in all its forms ." He has worked extensively as a peer meclifltor and assisted effons to educate elders about racism, sexism, and homophobia He is in the Key Club ; the youth division of the Kiwanis Club , through which he Andy Bates volunteers service to the larger Orange community, including cleaning up the town park , raking leaves in the fall for eld ers , and serving meals to raise funds for community proj ects Sa id Alexander, ''Andy's youth and originality are what gives people like me great hope that men can meet, love , work with, andenhance the lives of others and never fear being rrue to themselves. "
Th order tickets , or for more information , call the Men's Resource Center at (4 , 13) 253-9887, ext . 15, e-mail the MRC at mrc@mensresourcecenter.org, or visit the organization's website : · www mensresourcecenter.org
Gender Equity in Brazil
Much research and thinking on adolescent boys focuses on the negative aspects of their behavior: violence, delinquency, callous attitudes toward women , unsafe sex, and various risky behaviors. But what about young men with more gender-equitable attitudes and upbringing? ·
Building on an initial study in 1999 by the lnstituto Promundo in Rio de janeiro, a oneyear qualitative research project was carried out with a group of young Brazilian men , some of whom were identified as having a higher degree of gender-equitable behavior and attitudes toward young women . Twenty-five males aged 15 to :?1 from a low-income urban setting participated in the project.
· First the bad news: it was found that male involvement in reproductive health and child care remains limited; men generally feel that they are enti ded to sex from women; and tolerance of violence against WOil}en is fairly widespread. ·
Although very few of the young men interviewed achieved all four characteristics below, the term "gender equitable " refers to young men who :
• are respectful in their relationships with young women and seek relationships based on equality and intimacy rather than sexual conquest
• seek to be involved fathers-at the very least taking financial responsibility for their children
• assume some responsibility for reproductive health issues
• not use violence against women in their intimate relationships and are oppose d to violence against women .
The good news? Some of the young men interviewed possessed more gender-equitable attitudes than others. They had self-reflective abilities that allowed them to see the cost of traditional masculinities. They had vocational and cultural competencies that served to buffer traditional masculinities. They had adult male role models who offered alternative masculine images When faced with men's domestic violence , their families intervened or rejected it outright . Finally, these young men had access to a more gender-equitable male , p eer group
ln response to the research, a program was developed to promote more gender-equitable · attitudes and behaviors, including some of the original research subjects For example, group discussions about life histories were held to help the young men see the costs of traditional masculinities . Courses in Afro-Brazi.lian dance, computing, and health promotion aimed to encourage vocational and cu ltural competencies : Community awarem;ss-raising about domestic violence targeted both men and women, while group formation was initiated and encouraged
Time will tell how successfu l such · programs can be, in Brazi.l and elsewhere. But it 's encouraging to see organizations worldwide not only working to encourage gender equity among boys and young men , but also striving to challenge preconceived notions that male youths are merely "walking deficits, " too disruptive or aggressive to · work with.
For more infom1ation on this effon, contact Marcos Nascimento at promundo@promundo.org.br, or end-violence@phoenix .edc org
Holding Violent Athletes Accountable
There's now an organization and a website devoted to countering the growing number of violent crimes committed by athletes in all areas of the sports world Formed in 1997 , the National Coalition Against Violent Athletes (NCAVA) is based on the premise that athletes should be held to the same standards and laws as the rest of society
NCAVA:s website cites studies showing that one in three college sexual assaults are committed by athletes ; that while male "student-athletes" make up 3 3 percent of th e population, they represent 19 percent of sexual assault perpetrators and 35 percent of domestic violence perpetrators; that while the conviction rate for the general population is 80 percent, that for athletes is only 38 percent; and that 84 percent of the publrc believes colleges should revoke the scholarship of players convicted of crimes
The organization's purpose is to educate the public on a variety of issues regarding athletes and violent behavior, while also providing suppon to the victims of athlete violence through advocacy, referrals , and research . NCAVA also strives to promote positive athlete development through education, suppon, and accountability The goal is "to curb the escalation of athlete violence and create an environment in which people are equally respected and equally held accountable for their actions." NCAVA therefore opposes the entidement given to athletes through a system iri which they have litde fear of reprisal for violent behavior. Funhermore , the group hopes to restore "a former level of respectability " to the sports world while ·"helping its victims restore their sense of value and self-wonh ."
For more information , visit NCAVA:s website at www.ncava org ·
· Woman's Words That MOVE
Mter a year as interim partner contact coordinator for the Men's Resource Center's Mep Overcoming Violence (MOVE) program, Jan Eidelson has been permanendy named to the position She assumed the one-year position when MOVE co-director Sara 8inoff went on maternity leave last fall. ln September Elinoff returned to the organization in a new capacityclinical supervisor of the MOVE program, providing oversight for facilitators of the 15 groups being held weekly in Hampden, Hampshire, Franklin and Worcester counties. Eidelspn will continue to maintain contact with the panners or ex-panners of men in the program ; as well as running a voluntary weekly suppon group for those women.
The past year's experience working at the Men's Resource Center has been eye-opening, Eidelson said in a recent interview. ,''Most of my adult life l have worked
MOVE 's jan Eidelson
in all-women domestic violence agencies I had no idea what it would be like to be surrounded by a staff of so many men," she said 'The experience of working with the men here has been an incredible gift. I've been thoroughly impressed, although not surprised, with the organization's commitment to ending violence. I have felt 100 percent supported to advoca te for the women and children who have been affected by abuse from men. Your mission, to end all forms of oppression, is not just what you do-it is who you are ."
Eidelson noted that she was particularly s truck with the openness that men at the MRC exhibit. "You share your thoughts , revelations , concerns, joys, and losses My world and heart have greatly expanded by getting to know you. I breathe in your warmth and se nsitivity and exhale old, outdated images of what it means to be a man in our world Th ese feelings have trans ce nded beyond the office You have taught me to open the window that allows men to show their sofmess. These fresh breezes of humanity have brought peace -and hope to my world ."
In addition to Eidelson and Elinoff, there are five other wom en on the staff of t.he MOVE program.
Men Reading to Kids
Remember how, when you were a child, books could come alive with the emotions and challenges of your favorite characters, especially when someone read them aloud to you? A new project hopes to capitalize on that childhood feeling-and to get men involved in reading to kids Starting this fall at Fort River Elementary School in Amherst, Mass ., the Men' s Reading Luncheon will match interested men with one to three third graders each The men will meet once a month to share lunch and read to their young partners, engaging them in conversations about the characters to develop emotional literacy, address issues of stereotyping, and think about diverse problemsolving strategies. In rum, the children will get to see men who value reading and academic involvement as a visible presence in their school environment
The project hopes to recruit 15 to 20 men who are willing to commit ll/2 hours once a month (11:30 a m.- 1 p m ., on a Wednesday) from October through May There will be a one-time evening training session to present the goals andoobjectives of the program, model techniques, and answer questions. For more information about this program, please call Allan Arnaboldi at (4 13) 253-9887 xlO.
Masculin ity and Vi olence Aga inst Wo men in In dia
A United Nations-sponsored pilot project in India is exploring relationships between masculinity, gender, and violence. Implemented in partnership with Zonta International , nongovernmental organizations and universities , the proj ec t seeks to initiate a debate on the role of masculinity and gender in socialization and development processes and to find positive role models that question the stereotypical notions of masculinity.
A workshop in June in New Delhi with women's groups and networks , other UN agencies, bilateral donors , university members and the media , explored project findings The workshop also fearured a video presentation on resource directories in Kerala , Karanataka, West Bengal, Orissa , and Rajasthan that are being prepared to increase women's knowledge of and access to available support services to deal with violence against women . For more information, contact Gitanjali Singh at the South Asia Office, at gitanjali.singh@undp .org.
Journey to Healthy Manhood in Holyoke
The Men's Resource Center is running two groups for young men in Holyoke , Mass., exploring the journey to healthy manhood for young men of color. Among the issues being addressed are masculinity, relationships , and violence One group is for young men connected with NEAR!JumpStart (fhe New England Adolescent Research lnstirute) and Nuesrras Raices , both Holyoke-based programs working with adolescents In August, a weekly Young Men's Violence Prevention and Leadership Group was initiated at YouthBuild
"Under the leadership of)eff Harris , the MRC's youth programs coordinator, and Edgar Cancel , an MRC youth group facilitator, participants in the groups will learn to develop their leadership skills, " said MRC director of support programs Allan Arnaboldi. "We appreciate the important early help the Holyoke Youth Alliance played in starting these groups and River Valley Counseling's financial support," he said For more information, call (413) 253-9887, ext. 31.
MRC Inaugurates Young Fathers ' Group at County Jail
· Thanks to support from the Community Foundation of Western Massachusetts, the Men's Resource Center has begun a weekly young fathers' group at the Hampshire County Jail and House of Corrections in Northampton . Facilitated by Jeff Harris , the MRC's coordinator of youth programs, Pam Simpson, Hampshire Community Action Commission's social service coordinator for Head Stan's early childhood department , and Allan Arnaboldi, MRC director of support programs, a group of eight young fathers, all in their twenties, has been exploring their role as fathers in sessions blending education, support, and practical skills 'The group has
bec ome a critical area of support for these young fathers as they prepare to re-enter their children's lives, " said Amaboldi "These men are hungry both for practical informaqon and a chance to safely talk about their fears about b eing good fathers and the excitement they feel at doing somethihg productive in their li " ves.
New Staff Join Men Overcomin g Violence Progra m
The MRC's Men Overcoming Violence Program (MOVE) has named two new group leaders to its roster of facilitators running groups in Amherst , Athol , Gree nfield , Northampton, Springfield and Ware Jam es Ara na is a prevention specialist/social worker for the Massachusetts Prevention Center. He provides technical assistance to community-based agencies in western Massachusetts on prevention and healthpromotion efforts on a range of public health topics . ln the past James has provided technical assistance to the MRC's Young Men of Color Program He is co-leading MOVE 's Monday evening Amherst group with Karen Fogliatti
Sus an Om ilian is a Connecticut-based attorney who currently conducts workshops for women who have been abused. She has worked with survivors of violence against women for the last 20 years as an advocate and volunteer counselor. She is servil).g as a substirute group leader in the three Springfield MOVE groups that Scott Girard and Dot LaFratta facilitate (See her article in this issue , "Maggie's Legacy, " page ll.)
Men 's Health Online
Baystate Health System 's website now has a page devoted to men's health The Springfield, Mass -based health organization's Men's Health Program page fearures live chats about men's health issues , information about screenings for cholesterol and prostate cancer, articles on such topics as fathering, heart health , and hernias, and links to other health organizations such as the American Cancer Society and the Centers for Disease Control. Additionally, by clicking on the web page you can have Baystate 's prostate cancer information packet sent to you free of charge. The website can be accessed at http ://baystatehealth.com/men/
Men, ex, and the Soul
How Dealing· Mindfully, Spiritually, and Creatively with Sexual Tension Transformed One Man's Life
By Merle Thompson
Whatdo men do when our sexual energy, urges, desires, needs, wants, cravings, and feelings take up more room in our inner life than is comfonable? What do we do when we seem to have too much of this energy, when our desires and needs are out of balance with those of our partners, when we are not in a relationship and have to cope with this energy by ourselves, or when our partners just aren't interested?
It's a fu.ct-for men sexual tension iS ' a pan of our lives. 'Yet we haven't learned to share this reality with each other despite its being something key that men have in common. Sadly, we haven't developed terms or language or any comfort level with which to communicate and pass on to other men what we have learned about our sexuality.
, For many years I have struggled with male sexual tension. Sometimes it's just and sometimes my whole body tingles with it. I have gone to recovery grpups, therapy groups, therapists, and male role models for help. Women have spoken of turning this sexual energy into crea.tivity. But what does that mean for a man? In our society, creativity and female sexual energy seem to be almost synonymous, but male sexual energy is more often associated with aggression, pursuit, destruction , mindlessness, selfishness, and irresponsibility
Many men use pornography and masturbation , as I have done, to feed their imagination and relieve sexual pressure But when I did this, I sometimes felt out of control, lonely, and frustrated. What I really wanted was to share my sex life with someone else. For years I couldn't talk about this. Many men don't speak of sex
except in dirty jokes-and in our silence we have nowhere to go with our feelings, no role models to teach us what to do
Several years ago I decided that pornography, at least, was not okay for me to use anymore. I didn't want to teach my daughter that this is what men want women to be like I didn't want her to catch me sneaking around with this stu[ I didn't want to teach other men this behavior, men who look to me as a role model. I had defended my use of pornography, as I had seen other men do, but I would never buy it where friends could see me. Pornography never felt okay to me on a deep level, and it became time to get honest.
After some time I was successful in giving up buying and looking at
pornography, but I couldn' t seem to tum off the X-rated fantasies in my mind-the pressure would build and my mind and body would seek release. So next I tackled masturbation It's not that I think masturbation is bad, harmful, shameful, or even embarrassing-but why couldn't Lstop? Once the fantasies started to roll, they seemed to feed my sexual obsession until the need for release was inescapable. I couldn't shut it off
A few years ago I began to experiment with abstaining from masturbation. It was one of the hardest things I have done I went for a couple of days a few times, ·and then for a week Each time I passed where I had been before, the pressure would feel unbearable for a while, and then would come and go. I was able to go a month more than once, and then summer came
and I got too busy. It took a great deal of energy, attention, and focus My mind played all kinds of nicks : Why am I doing this? Doesn't that woman look good? · Anything to drag me back to the obsession.
The next winter, I worked up my courage and talked to my therapist, a beautiful and intuitive woman. She too said I should tum my sexual energy into creative energy I thought , Of course, that 's easy for you to say But I thought a lot about it. I nied to do it, nied to somehow force the tingling tension that centered in my groin up into my chest and head, but of course forcing it didn't work
In my life, most of my personal growth has come from self-awareness as a result of mindfulness By this I mean taking the
time to feel, to taste the moment, to what I'm feeling moment to IllOffient on a daily basis. As pan of this process, I began to notice a remarkable difference in my energy levels between the days I would masturbate (especially in the morning) and the days I would contain my energy. I became fascinated and experimented with this a lot. Clearly, the days I released the energy I was more laid back, less motivated , less energetic, less eager, 'and certainly less creative I had known for years that releasing this energy took the edge off my sexual tension and helped me to be less aggressive and demanding in my relationship But until this time I had no awareness of how much the daily release of this energy took away from the quality of my life.
As I started learning to contain my sexual energy, I also started learning to
My brothers, my sisters, my heart
By Paul Zelizer
I.
My right hand. I stretch to my brothers
The ones who are dying : drowning in alcohol. shot with their fathers' arrows, g11nning down their own children and elk, anything soft and breathing.
I reach for the lost ones trapped in prisons of money green, batdeship grey, porsche red.
My arm aro und mis compad res , whose eyes know water, feet bare and muddy, stomachs grumbling for justice . Whose hearrs I hear louder and LOUDER.
II.
My left hand .to my sisters. The ones left for dead , bleeding in Central Park or their own livipg rooms . The dancers in bars searching for . more than a life of day old bread , hoping to find nice daddy in that well tailored suit. My sisters choked by pink collars, scalded by hot water, smeared in the shit of someone else's baby.
My arm around mis comadres who with words and crayons and soup pots are cooking a new woman .
One with tree trunks for legs, arms to hold close , a mouth molded for truth , for ROARING for freedom.
III.
In the middle , this one hean.
It has been pulled like Silly Putty, pressed down into newspapers and peeled back to reveal misshapen words and images. The cage of ribs, punched from the right kicked from the left, has proven strong and, at tir!Jes , necessary The hean beats when the body falls down or stands tall thumps when hands hold can syncopate in play. Its deepest joy, of which there is more and more, is to join in union with others.
Paul Zeli.zer is executive director of the Men 's Resource Center of Northern New Mexico in Taos He can be reached at mrc@laplaza .org.
cook, and soon after that I began to write , sometimes pquring thoughts onto the page with incredible energy. What an exciting realization! And with it came the understanding of how to do this consciously.
Containing
defeating way to live. No one can make mea comp lett'; person sexually, spiritually, emotionally, or physically. I must do that for myself, and I am greatly helped in that process when other men are willing to share their own information honestly. this energy while maintaining awareness is an interesting process . The male genitalia, the penis and groin synonymous' but male sexual area, is a gathering place for energy I energy is more often associated
In our society, creativity and female sexual energy [are]
Throughout history, celibacy has been described as a path to spirituality and closeness to God, whereas sexualityincluding masturb ationhave now found that through a combination of mind and touch, with aggression , pursuit, destruction, mindlessness ... I can gather this energy from its scattered comers, sharpen it by bringing myself near orgasm but not over the edge, and then breathing deeply, repeatedly, I visuahze the sexual energy and breathe it up through my body right up to my head, filling myself with vibrant energy, focusing more on my heart and betw-een my eyes, and feeling the neediness of the groin disappear I do this in the morning when my energy is most scattered, and then I'm able to maintain an awareness of this energy through the rest of the day. Whatever I am doing has more zest, is more fun more c;reatively done, and I feel more alive. On the days I focus the energy and contain it, I am more energetic, feel more alive, even my eyes have a sharper focus, and I am more available to my family.
Controlled masturbation becomes erotic and more pleasurable with practice. I consciously choose release once a week or so, on a day when I want to be sleepy and a little out of focus. This process also enhances my control during sexual intimacy with my partner As I have become more self-contained-by which I mean not dependent on someone else for my sexual happiness-intimacy and sex have improved incredibly in my marriage . This is no coincidence.
Sometimes masturbation was just for pleasure, but often it was an angry statement, something I did to try to take the pressure off from not getting my needs met by someone else For me , being dependent on my partner was a self-
has often been seen as sinful and impure I am not interested in celibacy for its own sake or for "purity." Nor do I feel shamed, embarrassed, or contaminated by masturbation Masturbation is, in fact, a natural tool for discovering our own body, how it feels, what we like and don't like, and for a continued self-knowing. It's a natural , healthy function and should be taught as such Masturbation can, however; become compulsive behavior; and an obstacle to marital intimacy.
I have come to believe that mindfulness, self-awareness, and the best use of my energy is in fact a spiritual path that leads me ever closer to the will of my higher power. I want to claim this male energy, bring it to its full power; focus it, and use it to enhance my spiritual connection with myself, my partner; other people, my higher power; and with life . I believe that my own spiritual evolution and the evolution of men in general depends on honest communication and sharing of the information and experiences that for generations we have kept hidden . Being a man , and having male sexual feelings, is not shamefuL We should rejoice in it, and share our understanding of it with others--especially other men . In this way, sexually and otherwise, we can reahze our full potential.
A fisherman for most of his life, Merle Thompson and his wife run a smaU fami/y cottage busines s on the coast of Maine He ca n be reached at merle@tidewater: net.
Gloucester Men Take the Helm Against Domestic Violence
A Perfect Groundswell
By Lanie Pryor
The news from Gloucester left me shuddering in its wake
In the four years that I'd spent time there , some force has clearly been brewing within the shorelines of that ocean town more powerful than any "Perfec t Storm ." Last year; Gloucester became the second city in Massachusetts to declare itself a Domestic Violence Free Zone To bring home the message, this past February 9 at 2:00p m , a billboard went up on Railroad Avenue, a Valentine's Day Card from the men to the women of Gloucester, saying "Strong Men Don' t Bully."
Local women, many of whom are drowning in private agonies behind closed doors, can now look up at this public proclamation with the names of 485 Gloucester men in the background and see an unusual sign of hope And local men can look up and choose to have their names added to the hst, joining forces with a cross-section of all the men in the city who are speaking out and putting an end to the silence that condones domestic abuse .
I'd witnessed small victories against the tide of violence before. In 1998 , I sat in the Gloucester court with a woman whose former boyfriend had violated a restraining order against him Shaking her finger, she looked squarely at the judge and said in a gentle but determined voice : "Use your power; judge, I beg you I gave this man every chance
I believed him when he said he would change Now, with every footstep I hear behind me , I am afraid I cannot stop my nightmares Please, judge, take the crimes this man has committed against me seriously. " And the judge did
Mostly, though, the women I met when I was a volunteer at HAWC (Help for Abused Women and their Children) had to cling to each other for support In the weekly women's support group, women of all ages and financial means shared their common stories of broken dreams, and their fears for themselves and their children. I remember well the day the child-therapist came to the group to offer counsel.
In the candlelit room, freckle-faced ' Jane" spoke of her award-winning 16-year-old
daughter's sudden withdraW<\l. Burying the pain of witnessing her father's abusive behavior for years, her daughter was now talking about her feelings through her dog Pretty "Erin," who looked hke the girl next door; sobbed that her three-year-old son bit her on the thigh and broke her skin, and she had to get a tetanus shot the day before her 30th birthday She knew it wasn't his fault, yet it reminded her of how her husband had violated her in every way
" Mary " sat hunched over as she questioned taking out a restraining order on her own son . Wracked with guilt, knowing her son was only mimicking her ex-husband's behavior, she was nevenheless terrified for herself and her other children
And how could I forget hearing about the picrures five-year-old Melinda drew of her mother with blood all over her, or watching three-year-old johnny throwing his toys in the playgroup screaming, "Bang, Mommy, bang bang, Daddy! "?
These memories made me gasp, not only with sadness, but also with my own fears for our communal well-being. I was ,aware of the national statistics: three million women are battered a year--domestic violence being the leading cause of injury to women And I was equally well aware of the prognosis : 50 percent of boys who witness violence will become barterers and 50 percent of the girls will become victims How would the cycle of violence be broken when witnessing domestic violence is the single best predictor of juvenile delinquency and when 85 percent of men in prison come from violent homes?
But I didn' t foresee Gloucester 's stirring sea change. According to HAWC's Gloucester program coordim.itor, Nicole Richon-Schoel, · in 1997 Mayor Bruce Tobey appointed a committee to assess the health needs of the city. Thus emerged the Coalition for the Prevention of Domestic Abuse. Police , clergy, schools, hospital, youth and senior centers, child development programs, Gloucester
Prevention Services and others have joined together to address the root causes and devastating emotional and financial effects of domestic violence
Nor h ad I spoken to Willy Greenbaum, heard the conviction in his voice. A Gloucester art dealer who has spearheaded Men for HAWC, Greenbaum told me that Glouces ter Men Against Domestic Abuse is in its founh year of grassroots efforts to stop a culture of d omes tic violence and has grown to almost 500 men "The change in what it means to be a strong and healthy man is going to happen one repair shop, one coffee shop, one office, one locker room at a time. We're finding ways to say we cannot be strong and be abusing women or children. We have been silent way too long . Many men are grateful for the chance, they feel relieved to finally say what men and women and their sons and daughters need to hear Women have spent 25 years doing the heavy lifting--creating shelters and hotlines , state and federal budgets and education and empowerment groups-but only m en can acrually change the culrure which keeps causing this terrible tragedy."
Richon-Schoel once told me of her vision for an integrated community approach to stopping domestic violence. I can only guess what it might have been hke for the five women recently murdered on the Nonh Shore to have had a lifeline of community support held out to them The lives of future generations may well be on a different course, thanks to the vision, courage , and hard work of Richon-Schoel , Greenbaum, the local · institutions , and the 485 men whose names on a billboard may signify at last the "perfect groundswell" necessary for our common safety.
fur more information about the Gloucester efforts, call HAWC at (978) 283-8642
Lanie Pryor is a freelance writer and matchmaker-president of Single Search West ' and Central Mass. Gloucester Men Against Domestic Abuse now has a website, strongmendontbully.com.
Violence Against Women Comes Home
Maggie's Legacy
By Susa n M. Omi lian
It has been almost three years now since my niece, Maggie , died, and still inis hard for me to tell her story. · .
On October 18, 1999, Maggie, a' 19-yearold college sophomore at Kalamazoo College in Michigan , was shot and killed by her exboyfriend, a 20-year-old junior who then killed himself.
Maggie's killer was a jealous, possessive, and controlling man who wouldn't let her go even after she had broken up with him several months earlier Ten before the slaying, he ' legally purchased a hunting rille at a local gun store using his dormitory address, although the college campus had a no-gun policy He \vas upset, police found out later from his friends, about seeing Maggie with another man at a school dance the night before
There are so many things I can' t explain about Maggie's death Why did she go to his dorm room that nigh t? Why wasn't she more afraid of him? Why couldn't she see that he was violent and vengeful and capable of murder?
I can only speculate that she went to see him hoping that he would finally leave her alone That she was a kind person and he had never threatened her physically makes her
behavior toward him more
But obviously, she misjudged him horribly ·
The killing set off a wave of shock, disbelie( and grief in the small southwest Michigan community where Maggie lived , especially among her , circle of close friends and the many college teachers and classmates who admired her
But Maggie 's death also touched many people in Connecticu t, as I have told her story over and over again here to anyone who would listen Sometimes I tell her story to ease my own grief and incredible sense of loss But Maggie's death is more than my personal tragedy.
Everyone loses whel} a person with so much potential is taken at such an early age . She was an amazing young woman, whose beauty and academic , athletic , and musical accomplishments were matched only by h er uncanny ability to engage others in the wondrous dance of love, life, friendship , :;jfld
• Do you call your wife or girlfriend names ?
• Do you put her down and make her fee l bad about herself?
• Are yqu extrem.ely jealous?
• Do you control what she does , and whom she sees and talks to?
• Have you ever made angry or threatening gesture s toward her?
• Have ,you ever verbally threatened her?
• Have you ever punched the wall or destroyed posses sions in ange r?
• Have you ever hit or slapped her or the
• Do you tell her it's "her fau lt" that you behave the way you do?
hope . Perhaps we lost the first female president or the greatest advocate for the poor and the downtrodden Maggie 's legacy must be drawn that broadly. ·
• Maggie would have been outraged by the way she died If it had happened to any one of her family or friends , she would be advocating tirelessly rtght now in their memory, fighting against violence agal.nst women, the unnecessary proliferation of guns in our society, and the lack of proper treatment for
mental illness ' She would have made us see that a killing at the hands of an angry, suicidal man with easy access to a gun was a needless consequence of our failure to take the action necessary to save the lives of our children.
I certainly have inspired to action by Maggie 's death I spent most of the year after her death in Michigan with my brother and sister-in-law, Maggie 's stepfather and mother, working on changes at the college where she was killed Now women students will be given in(ormation and guidance about the cycle of violence and how to get help. like Maggie , many young women have relationships for the first time in college and may not be aware of the dangers Maggie was smart and feisty, but she didn't know the words for what was happening to her, and she though t she could solve the problem by herself
In addition , the college is ec;iucating male students about the dynamics of violence against women and encouraging them to exert peer pressure on other men to stop such behavior More counseling is also available for students suffertng from depression and other emotional problems to get them help before they take more drastic steps , With Maggie as 1;11y guide, I will continue working , particularly with young people, to prevent domestic violence, and heal those who have been abused. I call upon Maggie every day to help me to put down my mantle of grief, dream my wildest dreams , ancf not let my fears hold me back from doing what is rtght.
For me, this is Maggie's legacy:
Susan Omilian is a new group leader in the MRC's Men Overwming Violence program (MOVE). She lives in Connecticut. A version of this article originally appeared in The Hanford Courant
· It's About Power and Control
By Michael Dover
Whenever the word "crisis" is used these days, someone is bound to emind us that th e Chinese character for "crisis'' is made up of the symbols for "danger" and "op portunity." This is the opening for talking about the opportuhities offe red by the otherwise frightening situation. To judge by some of the reac tions-especially fro m the Church hierarchy- to the scandal abo ut priests' abuse of childre n , though , I'm beginning to thihk the Chinese ought to co me , up with a character that combines symbols for fear, prejudice, and plain old stupidity. With good reason , m ost of the public atten tion has focused on the Church's long history of moving priests from parish to parish des pite-{)r perhaps becaus e of-rep ea ted · allegations of m olesting minors. Al ong with the justifiable outrage at the bishops ' failure to
act more decisively and responsibly, however, the revelations have opened the door to all the homophobes to trot out th eir usual garbage about gays and child abuse No matter that about a third of th e child vic tims are· female No matter that studies show most abusers don' t identify as homosexual o r heterosexual. No matter that most violations of priesdy celibacy are in the form of involvemeJ;1t with adult women The word from the Vatican and from right-wi!1g Catholics is, Get rid of the gay priests
How convenient for the bigo ts to have a new issue on which to hang their old agenda! Wha t better way to solve a complex problem than to tar and feather a whole ,population, the vast majority of whom have done nothing to warrant concern? 'Estimates of the number of gay priests and seminarians run as high as 50 percent Shall we se nd all these men packing? For good measure, since a third of the victims were girls, perhaps we should also drum outat random-a third of the priests who identify as straight.
Nor is the "left" immune to falling back on favori te, if irrelevant, s ubjects : the scandal has resurfaced calls for allowing priests to marry: Let 's ignore th e fact that many child molesters in the general population are married . It also implies that m ost of the perpetrators ate
heterosexual, which again misses the poin t. (Maybe th ey're also supp o rting gay pries ts ' right to m arry; I h ope so.) Some are renewing calls for ordination of women That women in the general p opula tion also abuse children , both physically and sexually, doesn't seem to count , nor is it clear why addin g wome n to the pries tho od will chan ge male abusers ' behavior. But these suggestions , no matter how well meant , are m ore in the realm of silliness th an bias
Throughout these m onths of revelation and reacti on, the focus of the controversy seems always to be on sex-and its op p osite, celibacy No one I've heard appears to remember what the wom en's movement has said fo'r 30 years a bout rape : It's n ot about sex, it's about violence. Or what the movement to protect battered women has been saying for · about as
lo ng : It 's not about anger, it' s abo ut power a nd control. W hat makes sexua l exploitation of a minor or, for that matter, an
positions of authority-m en in , particular--don ' t move the debate beyond sex to looking at the p ower they wield over the people they are supposed to serve . Troubl ed, confused people will always be with us , but the culture we create can encourage them to tum either toward exploitati on or toward healing If we're to see real change in th e churches or anywhere else around sexual · abuse, it will have to includ e a rethinking of what it means to be in a position of a uthority. This is the time to be talking about male privilege-about how men are ta ught to feel en tided to power, and about how and when that pl ays out in th e form of abuse That's the ·· real opponunity offered in the cu rrent crisis . Will anyone see this opportunity and think
adult, by a priest-{)r by a minister, rabbi , doctor, teach er, employer, or parentespecially abhorrent is 'the vi()lati o n of trust, the misus e of authority.
To talk about violation of celibacy if a priest has sexual contact with a parishioner, adult or
child, is miss this point by several miles ,If the priest had taken off his clerical collar, gone to a bat or a party, met a willing adu lt , and had a sexual relationship , then we could talk about the celibacy vow. But a member of his church is ahother matter; there is an inherent power differential between them that cannot be ignored If we recognize that a stu dent is in a poor p osition to say "No" to a professor's advances, what can we expect the congregant to say to a man charged with care of his or he r soul? We know children are vulnerable to the authority that vimially any adult represents; what if that adult is the representative of the Ultimate Authority7
Thes e terrible stories are bound to be repeated as long as clergy and o thers in
about how to nurture ·the b est that's p oss ible in the pries thood? As long as it's easier to look for scapegoats and play to th e worst in th e mob, don't hold your breath. ·
Micha el Dover is chair of th e board of th e Men 's Resource Cqter, a regular volun teer, and a frequent contributor to Voice Male.
Editor 's note : Readers in a thoughtful examination of homophobia as i( relates to the issue of child abuse should explore University of California psychologist Greg Herek 's website at : http ://psychology. ucdavis edu ./rainbo w/html! facts_ molestation html.
AFirst-Wave
The "_Forgotten Generation" of Peopl _ e. AIDS .
By Les Wright
Ihave been living with HIV infection for 22 years I was labeled as "testing positive for exposure to the HTLV-III virus : test results inconclusive" ; "disabling ARC, combined1with clinical anxious-depressive disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder"; 'f\IDS " (based on aT-cell count of 55) ; "symptomatic HIV disease" (based on an HIVinduced medical condition called ITP, whereby the spleen rums on the immune system and destroys healthy red blood cells, producing a medical condition equivalent to hemophilia; the risk of death from internal bleeding from ITP is far greater than from the progression of AIDS); upon a successful splenectomy, I was upgraded to "asym ptomatic HIV infection"; my current starus is "HIV-infected nonprogl-essor," and I have not taken a single HIVrelated medication for nearly three years now
The year 1981 was the ruming point in my life Irwas then, in the second of the 15 years I lived in San Francisco in the gay Castro District, that l got clean and sober, rerumed to graduate school at UC Berkeley, and became infected - with HIV At the time ,' rurri.ors were circulating in the about a mysterious "gay cancer" and a "gay pneumonia." One of my a sales clerk at a Castro liquor store, brought home every day the rumors , gossip, and horror stories his customers were sharing.
The earliest medical professionals took one look at my "highest-risk" profile (urban gay ma le "lifesryle"-sex, drugs , and rock-androll), threw their hands up in the air and, in 'their scientific lingo , essentially told me to prepare to meet my Maker.
lri the first months and years of the AIDS epidemic, individuals in the gay male communities hardest hit.....,...New York, Los Angeles, and my hometown of San -Francisco-banded together to deal with AIDS head on. It meant fighting battles on several fronts simultaneously: care-giving for the terminally ill (AIDS patents were being rumed 1 away from hos pitals and medical personnel were refusing to touch PWAs [people with AIDS]); organizing infrasrrucrure to provide co mmunications , ihformation, and support; agitating for political action at the local, state, and national levels (shamefully, it was five years into the epidemic before then-President Reagan even mentioned the word AIDS); and educating ourselves about the medical dimensions of HIV infection, the bureaucracies of the healthcare system, and the politics of funding for medical research and treatment. It was a battle fought mostly by PWAs themselves , their allies among gay men and especially lesbians, and some medical folks. All the while we were fighting the enemy within-the virus Even as new recruits to the figh t step pee\ into action, the ranks of the activists were decimated, over and over.
My neighborhood a version of
The Night of the Living Dead. And the sense of being cut off fro_m the rest of the world made it feel like an episode from The Twilight Zone . Grassroots groups sprang up to provide social support services, medical referral services, and whatever else seemed to be direly needed Meanwhile , society at large would ignore AIDS Ground Zero for another five years.
We lived suspended in the tm:menting liminal space of unknowing We after our own , while not understanding what was going on; we 'beseeched and besieged the medical community to take this epidemic disease seriously; we fought against the irrational ,demonizing that "it" a "gay disease" and against th e concomitant walls of prejudices-that we deser.ved .it, that it would remain confined to the gay male community, and that as long a5 society turned a blind eye to us, it and we wou ld magically "go away."
' As a long-term survivor l was amoi;lg the first to "go ba ck to work." I left my safe haven · among the living dead in San Francisco, sl!lbsisting on $500 a month in SSl payments, the kindness of the few people who didn' t tum Jheir backs on me, and the always threadbare AIDS support systems In 1993 l accep ted a teaching position at a college in the Boston area. Relocating to the Eas t, once again, l found myself totally on my own
When l survey where things are today l · feel profoundly demoralized by h ow little progress we as a society have made-despite decades of AIDS awareness education, safer sex education , the rise of a multinational AlDS drug industry, advances in medical and psychological support, and the relative transformation of HIV infection from a death sentence to the illusion of a man ageable chronic disease
In short, gay men are having as much sex as ever, and the sex they are having is growing steadily and increasingly unsafe. And increasingly, gay men are now entering irito
a tacit agreement to deny reality-as is mu ch of the rest of the population , apparently, particularly younger people. As a co llege professor, l have observed an increasing of cigarette smoking among my undergraduate students, despite all that is now kn9wn about nico tine addiction and cigarettes. Recreational drug use and abuse of alcohol is as high as ever, and is disavowed as much as ever. Although not all of my students are gay, of cours e, they ate practicing many risky • behaviors reminiscent of my experiences of 20 years ago When I tease them, as a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, about what goes on in the dorms, they put on their best angelic Sunday-morning faces and assure me that the binge drinking , the drug club scene, the dorm-room sex and date rape that are as much a part of their daily stud ent experience as they were in my day, 'are not happening. And-then they light up ano ther cigarette and go on about their bu siness . Sexuality is a human universal, and sexual appetite a basic human need-;-either coupled with love. ii)-timacy, .and romance or as a vital drive common to all How to have sex in an epidemic is still an unsolved problem .' And in 2002 we are still just barely at the beginning of the wors t medical crisis in record ed human history. But ignoring it or denying it , and not practicing what one preaches, have so far not made HIV go away -and n ever will.
An associate professor of humanities at Mount Ida College in Newton. Ce nter; Mass., and adjunct professor of health science at Worcester State College, Les Wright is director of the Nashoba Research Institut e for the Study of Non-Hegemoni c Masculinities in Fitchburg, Mass., and a support group facilitator for the Men's Resource Center Copyright ©2 002
Finding Pride in My -Gay Son
By .Jeff Ellis
For a few years after my son Adam came out to me , Father's Day was a day of mourning, the day when I was reminded of what I lost.
What I lost was every dream I ever had for my 21-year-old first-born child. He was going to be the captain of the football team that I cheered on He was going to be the stud that I bragged about to all my coworkers . He was going to the husband I'd be proud o( the father of the children I would chertsh
I grieved the fact that he would become none of these people. As I looked back at the person he did become, I thoug4t about my own role in developing his characteJ; and I'm not so sure I liked what I saw
Even when we're doing things for our children, we fathers have an underlying selfishness. We place expectations on them I spent hours showing Adam how to throw a baseball. I told myself it was because I wanted him to enjoy the camaraderie of team sports, but really it was because I was so embarrassed by his lack .of athleticism
I work in construction. The type of people I hang out with, well, when they saw Adam out in the field, I knew what they were thinking: He throws like a girl That stung me like a mad bee. And it kept me for years I was profoundly embarrassed by him ; the depth of which, now, ironically, embarrasses me . I'm still working on forgiving myself For Adam , as a young boy, to wimess my disappointment in him was possibly my greatest failure as a father
UnfortUnately, my failure continued throughout his growing-up years, especially when I discovered what I figured must be every dad's worst nightrmtre-that he had fathered a gay son. I tried to be stoical, but I'm sure my face betrayed the emotions I was tr}'ing to hide. I had the ultimate paternal disappointment placed on my shoulders and I buckled under it. I didn't\ want anyone to know ancl I made sure they didn't.
Peer pressure is just as strong at my age as it is at Adam's For four years I chose my public image over my love for my son. Homosexuality makes cowards out of many of us. The conflict between my genuine love for my son and the endless disappointments he seemingly foisted on me eventually came to a
head. Wls I going to be a stooped old man , burdened by the disappointments of his first-born , or was I going to be something bigger than t{Jat?
After a lot of prayer and counseling, I realized that contrary to my perception of being a self-sacrificing I was actually a selfish one On the field or off, I wanted him to waqt what I wanted for him.
As a child he disappointed me because he wasn't interested in rough-and-
tumble play; as a teen he disappointed me because he wasn't interested in sports ; and now, as a young man, he disappointed me because he wasn't interested in women I had a right to be disappointed by his homosexuality, I knew that. But how long was I willing to be "right" at the cost of my happiness? How long was I going to sacrifice love for self-righteous discontent?
One day; as a Utde League coach, I realized I had become what I hated in other fathers. They too had a long list of disappointments that their sons had "burdened" them with, and they did nothing to hide their displeasure
It dawned on me that I was doing · the same thing to my son that they were doing to theirS-convincing him that he would always be a failure in my eyes.
Toqay, my son and l are closer than we've ever been . I even give him advice on his boyfriencls He still ar:r}oys me now and then (really, he could party less and study harder in college), but the one thing he never does anymore is disappoint me.
That 's because today I realize that all those dreams I had weren't really for Adam They were for me Adam can't disappoint me
anymore because I've committed myself tq supporting his dreams, not mine Father's Day has changed for me . .It isn' t any longer about what I lost, but what I gained : the ability to love my son unconditionally
Jeff EUis is the father of two sons Along with his wife Patti, he is co-creator of wwwfamilyacceptance.com, a non-profit resource for parents struggling to accept their gay children He can be reached at Jelf@fa"'ilyacceptance com. A version of this commentary appeared in the Seatde Post-lntelligencer on Father's Day 2002.
Adam and Jeff Ellis on a family VtUiltion in FloriJla, Father 's Day week, 2p02.
Under Suspicion
By Jeff Harris '' u
nder suspicion ." What does that phrase mean? On one level it has a meaning shared by all of us as human beings, an awareness that from time to time we might be looked at a little more carefully. But for many it has another, more ominous meaning, particularly for those of us who feel under suspicion almost all the time
Even though I live in a community that prides itself on being "progressive" and open-less prone to think the worst of someone they have never met before-I still find the ugly head of prejudice rearing up again and again.
Before proceeding with my story, for a minute the word "suspicion." A quick check of the thesaurus on my computer revealed the following synonyms : doubt, misgiving, wariness, distrust, skepticism you get the idea.
Not long ago I asked our family babysitter, Judy (not her real name), to take a ride with me to the supermarket. She was initially hesitant, but I said I just needed to run in for milk and eggs and a (ew other items , and she reluctantly agreed. All the way to the market we talked about the kids, sharing a few laughs, as we usually do, discussing my daughters' latest antics. (My girls are almost two and four.)
Once inside the store I noticed a lot of people staring at us-in fact, they never 'took their eyes off us , not even for a moment I continued to pick up the items I needed. I glanced over at Judy and sensed that she, too, was uncomfortable. We were both aware of the stares; they made me feel uneasy-like I was under suspicion. Because of our growing distress , I found myself shopping faster than usual. I felt so many things at the same time. Questions started sutfucing in my mind. "If she wasn't white and 19 years old, and very attractive, would we have gotten the same looks?" I asked myself. I'm 41, and if you hadn't figured it out yet, I'm black.
I felt like getting on the PA system in the store and giving a little talk about what I was feeling and why My anger at being under suspicion, at how quick people were to jump to conclusions, how people's judgments about seeing a 41-year-old black man and a 19-yearold white woman were·their problem , not mine Just as those thoughts staned to dissolve, and I was hoping to leave without incident , I heard a man down the aisle say, "He' s too old to be her husband I wonder if they 're just playing around with each other " I rumed and -looked straight at him, both eyes wide open. My expression was not one of anger-what he no doubt expected, I'm sure- but one closer to sadness mixed with a despairing shake of the head. It was a look that, I h.ope, telegraphed my thoughts: "Why'
do you jump to the worst, most extreme conclusion when you know nothing about me at all?" It conveyed a feeling that's deep in my sol,ll. But I don't believe he could have understood all of wh:at I was feeling just by my look alone And I know it's not my responsibility to explain it to him . The only people who could recognize and know deeply what it means are those who 've been in this siruation many times themselves . By the time I got into my car, my mind was
flooded with thoughts about what had just happened. I had had my experience, but what about Judy, our babysitter7 What had the experience been like for her? When I asked her how she felt, she said , "That 's why I didn 't want to go in the first place," gesturing toward the store. I asked her what she meant "I knew that was going to happen," she said, reminding me that in the past she had had a black boyfriend, and had experienced similar stares She'd been "under suspicion" before. Should I have known better? Should I have remembered that even in a so-called progressive community prejudice hasn't been eradicated? Of course
There is much work still to be done-so that my young daughters can grow up in a more understanding world , a world where two people of whatever color or age can go to the supermarket without being targeted by stares and enveloped in a cloud of suspicion. A world where a 19-year-old white babysitter like Judy doesn't have to feel so hopeless about ending discrimination.
That night we talked for more than two hours And we're talking still.
jeff Harris is coordinator ofyouth programs at the Men's Resource Center and an occasional contributor to Voice Male.
Reclaiming My Life
By Nelson
Why I'm Majoring in Women's Studies
By Shaun Michael Filiault
The scene has played out a thousand times by now I tell people I'm a women's studies major at Amherst College Heads rum. I feel many sets of eyes on me at once, all seeming to ask the simple question : "Why?" I nonchalantly reply, "Why not? ," wondering if something is out of the ordinary in my revealing my major, though knowing the entire time what an oddity it is It 's not that women's studies is an unusual major, nor even that pursuing it as an academic discipline is all that extraordinary What's unusual is that I'm a 21-year-old male majoring in women's studies.
Now that i5 out of the ordinary By and large, men don' t even take women's studies courses-so why would I want to major in it7 I think when people ask these questions, what they may really be saying is, "You're a manwhy do you care?''
The question isn't unwarranted, considering the low numbers of men in women's studies courses, not just at Amherst College, but at other American colleges and u niversities While women sign up for these classes in droves, the male presence is tiny Their absence gives the impression that men don't care about women's issues-and perhaps, more troubling, that men shouldn't care.
So why do I care about women's issu es?
Well, how could I not? The issues women face, which we study in my classesparenthood, violence, poverty, gender typing, ac tivism-aren't just women 's issues, but human issues Indeed, what becomes abundandy clear through an education in women's studies is that men and women are intimately connected to all these issu es and share common concerns about family, violence, and finances, to name only a few Being a women's studies major doesn't mean I am studying women as a type of separate grouping , but rather that I am learning about women so I can better understand the issues all people cope with. The difference is, I am studying from a different perspective from -that which my masculinity would otherwise allow. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people (read : men) who do not share my belief that women's issues are indicative of larger human issues The stereotype is that these are solely women's issues and thus aren't necessary for men to pay attention to Few men take an academic interest in women's issues, opting for the more "masculine" academic domains Yet why should I. due sole ly to my sex, be
exempted from having concern and being knowledgeable about those issues that affect the other gender7 When it comes to activism, each of us has a duty to help one another, even when the issues involved don't seem to be our own By majoring in women's studies I take those issu es that most people believe are foreign to a man and make them the very focus of my academic life.
I hope that in so I can send the message to future classes--especially male students-that women 's studies isn't a women's major that deals solely with women 's issues , but an academic major that deals with human issues.
Of course, until that day comes , I'll be one of the few representatives of my gender in those classrooms. And being that sole man in some courses can be intimidating since , if nothing else , the women have strength in numbers , and can thus drown out my opinion. In a recent discussion with some of my female peers concerning body image and the pressures put on women to obtain the ideal "Barbie doll " body, I piped up to say that women aren't the only ones who feel body image pressures-men are also subjected to a barrage of images of the "ideal" male body. My response merely received cocked eyes and odd looks, which seemed to relay the message "What do you know? You're a man ."
Not all of my female peers are suspicious of my interest in women's issues , however; some find it unique and refreshing In the words of a fellow major, I am , "the coolest thing ever" because I can look beyond my own immediate concerns to see those of others In a department that sees so few males passing through its halls, I guess it's pretty special when a man decides to follow that road rarely taken, and I certainly feel the novelty of my position every time I enter the department office-l'm something of a celebrity, and even professors I've never met know my first name .
But by far the greatest advocates of my decision to major in women's studies are my parents. When I first told them of my declaration, I expected to be greeted with rolled eyes and the traditional 'f\nd what are you going to do with that after you graduate?" Instead, my mother beamed with pride, realizing she had raised a son who is openminded enough to be interested in such issues. My father was simply proud that I was brave enough to forge my own path and choose what I thought was best for me. They both now brag to friends and family of my unique route through academia
Although it wasn't one of my parents ' main concerns, exacdy what I plan to do with my education in women 's studies has naturally crossed my mind Although a variety of options have presented themselves-from law to communications-! believe high school education will be my calling. By incorporating
some of my knowledge of women's issues into more mainstream courses at the high school level , I will be educating college-aged men to be more aware of women's issues and more prone to take courses in that area
Perhaps one day heads will no longer tum when I tell people I have a degree in wol'Ilen's studies, and the field will no longer be thought of as an entirely feminine domain Until then, I'll probably continue to be the sole guy in the women's studies classes . For now, I wouldn't have it any other way
Shaun Michael ·Rliault i5 a student at Amherst College, Class of 2004. He lives in Amherst, Mass., year round.
Gay Men: A Force lot Social Change?
By Carl Erikson
What if, instead of being a bunch of self,absorbed, hedonistic, shallow sex maruacs , gay men:
• Built the most unviolent male community in the world?
• Were a community of caregivers and nurturers, both to individuals and to the larger community?
• Conducted their sexual behavior more safely than any other group?
• Expressed an accepting, practical, and natural view of sex?
• Expanded the .notions of "relationship" and 'family" to include a wide range' of personal connections, which often included people of different ethnic, social, and educational backgrounds?
• Easily connected with women in respectful, honest, and supportive ways?
• Successfully made bliss-the pleasure and fun ofliving--<m important part of life?
At the very least, the media and social analysts would be studying us and spreading these remarkable social changes across The New York Times, the evening news broadcasts, Time, and the late-night 1V talk shows. We'd be praised for achieving many of the changes in men the media and most people have been talking about for the last 30 years. We'd be leading the evolution of men We'd be in the vanguard of an irresistible force for improving our culture and community.
Think what thls new culture would be like Violent crimes plummeting by 80 to 90 percent. Domestic violence dropping by 80 to 90 percent. Depression, a consequence of the repression of sexual interest and happiness, evaporating in 95 percent of men, resulting in legions of happier, more content, and much less angry husbands, fathers, brothers, boyfriends, and sons. Mothers and housewives suddenly having time to read the paper, play with their kids, take up a hobby. Women experiencing men as nurturing , supportive, funny friends, husbands, and boyfriends Men and women finding their circles of friendships growing and broadening to include people outside their present social, economic, or ethnic world.
Where could all this lead? Who knows, but imagine the possibilities. A decline in the overwhelmingly male prison population ..An increase in the stability and security of families
A significant increase in the number of boys remaining in school and The release. of a huge amount of creative energy to improve our economic system, rehabilitate our communities, and reform the practices of business, religion, sports , government
An increase in the life expectancy of men A radical improvement in the way boys are raised and in the expectations laid on men Women experiencing no corporate and institutional glass ceilings, and men accepted as valuable teachers and mentors for children.
Right about now, you're probably mumbling, "Dreamer. Hopeless utopian Unreal." Maybe even "Nuts! Mad! Crazy!"
But what is utopian or crazy here? That the gay community might achieve these things , or that th e rest of our society might look seriously at the gay co mmunity for insights into social improvements, or that our society would actually adopt something from the gay community, o r that anything will ever change in our society for the better? Or, "all of the above"?
·
Consider the paintings , dances , plays, movies , and musical performances our society happily raids the gay community to enjoy. Think of the interior decorating and clothing purchases that grew out of the creativity of the gay community. Consider the thorny legal , financial, and business affairs our asks resourcefu l members of the gay community to manage . Maybe it isn' t so crazy to think our society might tum to the gay community for its well-developed answers to some of society's ·most intractable social problems and deepest longings The magnitude of the problems and their effects might just be enough to persuade society to overlook its homophobia and take effec tive answers where it finds them.
Homophobia , if left alone, may well prevent society from seeing those answers in the gay community. The glare of the media spotlight would do much to bring them into public awareness. So would the reports from the experts who study the improvements developed by the gay community. The benefits highlighted in all this attention would certainly undermine a large portion ,o f current homophobia , which for many people is mainly a matter of bad information, no experience, and inertia.
Even without the media and the experts, the social changes created in the gay community could still find thejr w_ay into the rest of our society Every day more and more people would come into contact with and experience the effects of these changes. They'd discove r them in their interactions with gay m en, eve n if they were unaware that the men are gay. These changes are simply the way the vast majority of gay men live their lives and express themselves. People outside the gay community would recognize, intuitively at first and then co nsciously, that they were meeting people d emonstra ting a better way to experience and express masculinity Once made , won't this discovery result in their seeking it out and demanding it in other men they live with, work with, and connect with?
But, you ' re saying to yourself, the gay community has not achieved these social changes. This is all just idle, wishful speculation. So let 's cut the crap, and talk reality the gay community is shallow, hedonistic , and oversexed lt's not making any contrib ution to social improvement and, arguably, is doingjust the opposite. So the media, the homophobes , and even the gay community itself would like us to believe But they're all wrong. In his book The Soul Beneath the Skin, David Nimmons gives 186 pages of statistics and learned studies in history, eco n o mics, politics, and sociology
showing that this is exacdy what the gay community has done during the last 50 years wherever it has found the freedom to create its own communities.
Nimmons discusses each of the changes I listed at the beginning of this article , devoting a lengthy chapter to the development and varied expression of each one. Surprised? You ' re not · alone. So is most of the gay community. No surprise , then, that the rest of society has not recognized these accomplishments either It is time to publicize these successful developments in masculinity To th e gay community, so that we can be proud of our achievement and so that we can now consciously develop and secure these changes To the rest of society, so it can learn about the changes gay men have created and be motivated to consciously implement themand so everyone can experience th e benefits of these social changes as the gay community has for many years.
Carl Erikson is the Men 's Resource· Center 's director of operations and regularly contributes to these pages
The Soul Beneath the Skin was published by St. Martin's in 2002.
·ophelia.'·s Dad
In reading joe Kelly's new book, Dads and Daughters, I was tom On the one hand I want to praise the author for his fo cus on the father-daughter relati o nsHip It 's ce rtainly worthy of study and illumination , and any dad who has a daughter should give this book a fair read Kelly has thought, written , and spoken a lot about dads and daughtershe's the executive director of a national organization of that nam e-and he's talked to many other fathers (over 125 nationwide) about this subject:
On the other h and , 1 wonder if he would have written this b ook-or il\ the same waywere he not th e father of twin girls (and no b oys) It's speculation , but if I had only daughters, then daughters would constitute my entire parenting world , and raising girls my whole concern. Since I have a boy and a girl , I don't think that way ; that 's not where I'm at. It doesn't invalidate Kelly 's perspective or his insights , but I don't think a ny more or less about daughters than
about sons In fact, I don't tend to think of my rwo kids , as cardboard representatives of their genders I think of them as individualsthe individuals they are And l don' t treat th em always and everywhere alike, either-! try to give
By Mi9hael Burke
relatives, a t parties. They always seem to find a place to talk about-and t(r-their kids. "
Fathers , however, by and large, remain sadly isolated (like most men, I'm afraid). As Kelly points out, they don ' t even talk to other fathers about fathering Even worse, their own fathe rs w ere largely s il ent on the subject, so th ey never learned from . them-or what they learned was unspoken , some of it negative And of all the men Kelly spoke to for the bqok , he says most reponed that talking to him marked th e first time they had ever talked directly to anyone about being a father This was true, he adds, "eve n for active and involved dads "
H e reco mmends that fathers join or form their own men 's groups, whether slanted sp ecifically toward fathering or not , as one way of overcoming this isolation and silence. I he;Irtily concur, as ill my own -experience fathering comes up regularly as a topic in both the Men 's Resource Center support groups and other men 's groups I've participated in One of the most helpful things is to hear from oth er men how and what they ' re doing in their journ ey a5 fathers
With respect to daughters, every dad who h as one will probably apprecia te something inthis book: the confusion around adolescence, for example, as a girl 's body changes, clothing and makeup and peers and sex become important , and her relationship with her dad as well, often in a way that may be ,perplexing or painful to him One section, 1called " Cleaning the Shotgun," strikes a hilari ous but true note : the image of the father out on the front porch, cleaning the shotgun as his daughter 's date approaches, thinking , "I know what he 's after and l want him to know
Fathers should join or form their own men's groups as one way to
overcome isolation and silence.
them what each n eeds at the tim e, to do what will work best with each one
With that proviso, let mtt tum to an appraisal of what Kelly has done. He's written a book in which many fathers-of daughters and sons alike-will see themselves. The most salient p oints in th e book for me were those about fathers and their role (especially the quotes from ·the many fathers Kelly interviewed for the b ook) . In a section ca lled "Five Hurdles for Fathers," Kelly notes fathers' shocking lack of resources for support and information about fathering : "Who can we talk to about raising a girl (or even about being a father, period)? Women talk about mothering all the time with their daughters and mothers, with each o ther, around th e water cooler, with
it." Kelly acknowledges the strength of these feelings while urging respect for daughters' own ability to make choices about their sexuality, adding that tathers should
try to stand by them and help them without prejudging , overprotecting, or infan tilizing them (o r unfairly demonizing the young m en they meet).
Kelly also warns that fathers , teachers, and other male autho rity figures may be guilty of telling girls "they can ' t " without realizing ite.g ., perpetuating stereotypes and old messages abo ut girls ' not being able to do math , o r being quiet and compliant in class Fathers m ay give lessons about tools or play games with their sons that they ' re not sharing with rpe ir daughters . Some of this is the old gender straitjacke t that we all roll around in and struggle with; some of it may be due to the fact that, as Kelly says, we fathers were Dq.ds
and Daughters
raised as boys , not girls , and · we ' re not always sure we know what girls need or want (This could be another good argumen,t for focusing on your particular child , Joe KellY, · not the abstract "boy" or "girl. ") Kelly takes issue with what he calls "The Body "WITs," in which girls are taught by peers and "media madne5s" (and often adults, too) to value themselves only to the extent that they're thin and "attractive " This leads to many tragedies : girls and young women starving themselves, bingeing, killing themselves just to " fit in" and "look good " He 's on the right track, but both here and in the on the "touch taboq" berween fathers and daughters, he gets a bit preachy for my taste : no girl ever needs to diet, under any circumstances, and no father should ever, ever, ever touch his daughter in a sexual way. To the OK, of course, I hear you Absolutely right. To the first , I feel a 1es, but. .. coming on. What about girls who are actually overweight? Late last year, the surgeon general issued a report indicating that nearly 13 percent of American children are overweight or obese (for adults it 's 60 percent)--:-so simply saying , "You're fine, honey, just the way you are, " is no panacea . (To his credit, Kelly does recommend good nutrition and regular exercise for both girls and their families, and as ' he says, in most cases this will lead to healthy girls whose weight is appropriate for their age and frame )
I wish I didn't feel a one-size-fits-all approach to fathering girls creeping i!l . It doesn't serve Kelly when he occasionally lapses into such generalities It leaves out girls With special needs , for example, such as learning disorders , physical disabilities , and forms of men tal illness . l was heartened, however, to see that in the chapter on sexuality Kelly at least mentioned girls who may be attracted to other good reminder th at "exploring their sexuality" can take a variety of forms
The flaws in ·Dads and Daughters· are overshadowed by the contributions Kelly has , made His is an ' important new' book that · every father who has a daughter should take a good look at. (Morns who want to tli1derstand more about dads and daughters would be w ell advised to peruse the book , too ) No d oubt he'll find something in it that will speak to some part of his struggles-not only with his "growing up so daughter, but with his role as a man and a father.
Michael Burke is managing editor ofVoice Male.
ROCKY HILL COHOUSING
Northampton
We will be a community of 28 clustered homes on 27 forested acres with a planned sledding hill and a pond. We'll share resources, community projects, and celebrations with our neighbors. We're building healthy, super-insulated homes at reasonable prices. Come join the community, and improve the quality of your life.
Call Sharon: 413 584-9987 www. rocky hi llcohousi ng .org
INTERVENING WITH MEN WHO BATTER
The MOVE Program's FREE training for therapists, counselors and other interested professionals
• Springfield
South End Community Center
29 Howard Street
October 7, 5-6:30
• Greenfield Call for location
October 29, 12-1:30
• Athol PATCH, 378 Main Street
November 19, 5:30-7
• Amherst
Men's Resource Center
236 N Pleasant Street
December 11, 1-2-1:30
To RSVP and for more info:
• (413) 253·9588
Still Healing After All These Years
ByLes Wright
The foUowing article is adapted from testimony the author presented at a public forum in Worcester in june to the Governor's Task Force on Sexual Assault and Abuse The task force invited testimony from sexual abuse survivors and their families and friends; sex offender treatment providers; rape crisis counselors and advocates; community educators; member of the medical community; law enforcement and court personnel; and other concerned dti.zens in Amherst, Shrewsbury, Bridgewater, Lynn , and Boston in june and july For more iriformation on the task force's work, contact Stephanie Brown , Executive Office of Health and Human Services, One Ashburton Place, Room 1109, Boston , MA 02108 , phone (617) 727-7600 ext 401,fax (617) 727-1396, e-mail stephanie.a.brown@state.ma.us.
Today I am a man of nearly 50. I have survived alcoholism and drug addiction. I have survived nervous breakdowns I have survived homelessness and destitution, multiple suicide attempts, post-traumatic stress disorder and living on SSI. I live with anxiousdepressive disorder. I have lived with HN for 22 years In order to survive these adulthood traumas, I first had to survive a childhood of sexual abuse , incest , and rape; of parental perpetration, denial, and rejection. I have survived in a sexually predatory society which has literally beaten into me that "real men" do not get raped or sexually violated , and that gay men in particular deserve every rape, attack, or other sexual violation perpetrated against us. Childhood sexual trauma robbed me of self-
confidence, self-trust, self-esteem, and the ability to feel safe in the world and trust other people. It rniseducated me to best succeed in selfdestruction I live within a psyche I can neither trust nor escape , and a body that, after decades of abuse, now refuses me physical intimacy
Nonetheless, after all these years, I am still here-alive, sane, healthy, socially functional, stabilized by a battery of medications and decades of therapy, having acquired the skills to advocate for myself and the courage to fight back.
I was six years old the firs t time I was raped, by my then-17-year-old cousin jake (a pseudonym). I grew up in a tenement , surrounded by a dozen cousins, all but two of them male jake made me his sex slave-he tortured me sexually, taunted me , showed me off to his friends , and occasionally had me sexually service his buddies, just to show off his total control over me
My parents looked the other way. My mother admonished me to take my beatings like a man and to "ge t used to" what kind of life "that son of person" co uld expect in adulthood. My father; who ignored me , except to belitde me as a "litde pansy" by day, used me for his sexual pleasure by night. I believed I was unworthy of love; I felt profound guilt and shame because I believed everything that happened to me was somehow my own fault. (Even today, I cannot quite shake the feeling that I am doing penance for unsp eakable crim es I must have committed in past lives .) By age l 0, (Continued on next page)
(Continued from previous page)
I was desperately seeking love and approval, offeting my still prepubescent body to every man whose love or approval I sought. At age 17 I made my first suidde attempt. Leonard Shengold calls this experience "soul murder" Other professionals have called it "the shattered psyche. " I call it •"living with emotional AIDS." To this day I do not understand how I have survived even a fraction of this. Fear and rage hive been my constant companions, as well as a sense of utter baffiernent over what "correct" reality is--my reality has often had little or nothing in common with the reality other people seem to live in .
Someh ow the life force within me has always overpowered the doomsday machine within my psyche Over time I began to heal myself ,I learned to advocate for myself, and eventually mustered enough courage to challenge, and "fire ," clueless, ill-informed, or wrong-headed therapists , psychiatrists, doctors , and suppon groups I still rarely trust institutional treatment systems or bu reaucracies, as in my experience they tend to re-traumatize the patient-victim in the name of helping us 10 my astonishment, in 1993 a job opponunity in Boston fell out of the sky and into my lap I left San Francisco, life on SSI and MediCal, and a threadbare but trustwonhy suppon network. But the suppon I sought in Boston either did not exist or proved useless. Over time I carne to Fitchburg and , since 1997, have established a new, tiny, carefully handpicked suppon n etwork of professionals at Burbank Hospital and UMass/Worcester. I found an MD, an RN, and a
psychopharmacologist who understand-who are dedicated to healing, and not to the wealth and power trappings of their profession
Within the past 12 months, I found my way to the Men's Resource Center in Amherst. This is the only place where I have felt safe since corning to New England The MRC, founded and overseen by Steven Botkin, is a model program-under-recognized, under-funded, and still "too scary " for many men who are in desperate need of the suppon it can offer.
I continue to heal from my wounds by serving as a peer facilitator, especially in service to the adult male survivor suppon group , and by slowly building trust and bonds with other men I have met here, gay, straight, bi, and transgendered , many of whom are also healing from sexual wounding We share a commitment to healing ourselves and each other, and by extension, to help begin healing society as a whole- a sodety which has essentially thrown
us all away for not being "real men ." Many of us are sensitive, nunuting, vulnerable individuals, who have been duly victimized by society for our "gender be trayal. " Some of us are victims-turned-victimizers (which is often the flipside reaction to childhood assault and abuse) who have found their way to the MRC's MOVE (Men Overcoming Violence) program, where they are actively seeking to unlearn their reactive violent behaviors.
I will continue to heal, but will never be free of the ever-present pain , rage , and self-doubt caused by childhood sexual assault, abuse, and willful neglect. The consequences of sexual trauma are akin to a chronic illness , which can , in many cases, be successfully managed, but for which there is still no "cure "
Les Wright is a support group facilitator at the Men's Resource Center. See also his "Men & Health " column on page 13.
Manfred J. Melcher, LICSW & Children
FIN.DING IT DIFFICULT
SUPPORT GROUP PROGRAMS
• Open Men' s Group- 7-9 p.m . Sunday evenings at the MRC Amherst office, Tu e;;day evenings 6 :45--8:45 p m at the Council on Aging , 240 Main St., Northampton A facilitated drop -in group for men to talk about th eir lives and to support each other.
• Men Who Have Experienced Childhood Abus e and Neglect- Specifically fo r men who have experienced any kind of childhood abuse or neglect. 7-8 :30 p m. Friday evenings at the MRC.
• Gay, Bisexual, &: Questioning 7-9 p m Monday evenings at the MRC. Discussion group on issues o f sexual orientation
• GBQ Brunch- Last Sunday of the month, Noon- 2 p m at the MRC. (Will res um e Se ptember 2 9 th .)
FATHERING PROGRAMS
• A variety of reso urces are availab leFathers and Family Network monthly workshops, lawyer referrals, pa renting guidance, wo rks h ops, educational prese ntations and conferences. Group and individual counseling for new and expectant , separa ted!divorced , gay, step , adoptive and other fathers / father figures
YOUTH PROGRAMS
• RadioActive Youth (RAY) : Month ly yo u th r.adio show o n WMUA (91.1 FM) ; third Monday each m onth at 5 :3 0p m
• You ng Men of Co lor Leadership Project, Amhers t
• Young Men's Leadership Deve lop ment/Violence Prevention, H olyoke &: Northampton
' MRC PROGRAMS & SERVICES
MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE (MOVE)
MRC state-certified barterer intervention progr.am serves both vo luntary and courtmandated men who h ave been physically violent or verbally/ emotionally abusive Fee subsidies available
• Basic Groups : Groups for self-referred (20 weeks) and court-mandated (40 weeks) m en are he ld in Amherst, Athol , Wa re, Springfield , and Greenfield
• Follow-up : Groups for men who have completed the basi c progr.am and want to continue in theiue covery are available in Northampton and Amherst.
• Partn e r Services: Fre e phon e support, res ources, referrals and weekly support groups are available for parmers of men i_n the MOVE progr.am
• Prison Groups: A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire Cou n ty Jail and House of Co rrections.
• Community Education and Training : Workshops and tr.ai n ing on domestic violence and clinical issues in barterer intervention are available
• Speakers' Bureau: Formerly abusive men who want to sh a re their experiences with others to help prevent fam ily viole n ce a re avai lable to speak at schools and h um an service progr.a m s
WORKSHOPS AND TRAINING
Available to colleges, schools, human service organizations, and businesses on topics such as "Sexua l Har.assment Prevention and Res p onse," "S tr.a tegies an d Skills for Edu ca ting Men ," "Building Men's Community," and "Challenging Homophobia ," among other top ics Specific trainings and consultation available
PUBLICATIONS
• Voice Ma le: Published quarterly, the MRC magazine in clud es articles, essays , reviews an d resou r ces, and services related to men and masculinity
• Children, Lesbians, and Men : Men's Experiences as Known and Anonymous Sperm Do nors, a 60 - page man u al whi ch an swers th e ques tions men have, with first-person accounts by men and wo m en "w h o h ave b een there . "
RESOURCE AND REFERRAL SERVICES
• Information a bout events, counselors, groups , local , regional and natio n al activities, and support programs for men
RESOURCES
Men's Resources
(Resources for Gay, Bisexual and Questioning Men , see page 19)
The American Cancer Society (413) 734-6000 Prostate support groups, patie nt support groups , nutritional supplements , dressings and su pplies, literature, low-cost housing, and transportation.
Brattleboro Area AIDS Project (802) 254-4444 ; fre e, co nfidential HN/ AIDS services, including support, prevention co un seling and volunteer opportunities.
Children's Aid and Family Service(413 ) 58 4-5690 Special needs adoption services. Counseling for individuals, families and children , wirh a play rherapy room for working wirh children Parent aid for parents experiencing stress.
HIV Testing Hotline: (800) 750-2016
Interfaith Community Cot Shelter 582-9505 (days) or 586-6750 (evenings)
Overnight shelter for homeless individuals123 Hawley St. , No rth ampton. Doors open at 6 PM
Sex & love Addicts Anonymous (SlAA) (800) 749-68 79 Referrals available for 12-step groups throughout New England
TRY Resource/Referral Center for Adoption Issues
Education and support services for adoptees, adoptive parents , professionals, etc
Su pport group meetings first Wednesday and third Sunday of each monrh Ann Henry- (413) 584-6599
Fathers
At Home Dad: www parentsplace.com/ readro orn/a rhomedad
The Fathers Resource Center: wwwslowlane .co rn/frc
National Fatherhood Initiative: www.cyfc .umn .edu/Farhernet
The Fatherhood Project: www farherhoodproject.org
Fathers with Divorce and Custody Concerns: Looking for a lawyer? Call your state bar association lawyer referral agency In Massachusetts rhe number is 1-800-3926164 Here are some websites that may be of use to you:
www acfc org *
www fathering org
www dadscan org
www divorcedfarher com
www.farherhoodproject.org
www.dadsrights .org * * (not www.dadsrights.com)
www.fa rhers.com
www.farherhood .org www.farhersnetwork.org
www divorcehq .com * www.divorcewizards .com * www.geocities .com/Heartland/Meadi:Jws/1259/ links hon * www menstuff org/frameindeX..honl (Farherstu!D
*good resource **strongly recommended
Internet Resources
Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts: www mensresourcecenter.org
The Men's Bibliography: http ://www.anu edu au/ -all2 465/ mensbiblio/ mensbibliomenu.honl
XV magazine: http ://www.anu .edu .au/ -all2 465;XY/xyf. hon
Pro-feminist men's FAQ : http://www.anu.edu.au/ -all2465/ pffaq honl
Pro-feminist men's mail list: http ://www.anu.edu .au/ -all2465/ profem honl
Violence statistics: http ://www anu edu au/ -all2465/vs tats honl
Homophobia and masculinities among young men (lessons in becoming a straight man): http ://online anu.edu au/ -a112465/homophobia.honl
National Men's Resource Center www menstuff.org
National calendar of events, directory of men's services and a listing of books for positive change in men's roles and relationships
The Men's Issues Page: www.vix .com/pub/ men!mdex .honl .
100 Black Men, Inc.: www. l OObm .org
Pro-feminist men's groups listing: www feminist.com/pro hon
Pro-feminist mailing list: http ://coombs.anu .edu.au/-gorkin / profem html
Magazin·es
Achilles Heel (from Great Britain): 'www stejonda demon.co uk/achilles/issues hrrnl
XV: men, sex politics {from Australia): http:// coombs .anu.edu .au/-gorkin;XY /xyintro htm
Ending Men's Violence Real Men: www cs utk edu/-bartley/orher/realMen honl
The Men's Rape Prevention Project: www mrpp orgfmtro honl
Quitting Pornography, Men Speak Out: www geocities com/CapitalHilV1139 /quirporn.hrrnl
Volunteers Needed
AIDS CARE/ Hampshire County (413) 586-8288 Help make life easier and friendlier for our neighbors affected by HN or AIDS Men are especially needed
Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Hampshire County
We are looking for men to be Big Brorhers in rhe Hampshire County area. Big Brorhers act as mentors and role models to boys who need a caring adult friend. To learn more about being a Big Brorher, call (413) 253-2591.
Planned Parenthood of Western Massachusetts
413 732-2363 Outreach volunteers wanted to help distribute information about Planned Parenthood's services, proq1.0te safe sex practices, and rally support for pro:choice legislation at various events .
Men's Resource Center (413) 253-9887 Distribution , ad sales and mailings for Voice Male , general office work, special projects , etc. Flexible schedules
Saturday, September 14
Baltirnqre, Maryland
Father MaHers Workshop
Father Matters is a non-profit organization with the sole purpose of seeing that fathers become the best fathers they can be. Our main goal is to commit dads to encouragement, support , and accountability with other fathers as well as themselves By mentoring other fathers through our positive actions and examples , we will not only become better fathers, but more importantly, our children will have better dads This event will also take place in New Bern , NC on September 21 , Phoenix , AZ on October 12 , San jose, CA on November 9, and Omaha , NEon November 16. Information: E-mail info@fatherma tters .com . Website: http ://www fathermatters com
Wednesday, September 18Friday, September 20
Wishington , D C.
Working with Young Fathers: Building Skills for Practitioners
The National Center for Strategic Nonprofit Planning and Community Leadership (NPCL) provides three-day skill-building workshops for . project administrators and practitioners working with young fathers Registration is limited to 25 people on a first- co me, firstserved, basis The registration cost ," which includes brealifast-and lunch, is $600/$525 by early-bird deadline This event will also take place in Atlanta, GA on October 16-18, Wishington , D.C. on November 6-8 , and Oakland, CA on December 4-6 lllformation: Nigel Vann at (888) 528-NPCL. E-mail : nvann@npcl .o rg Website: http ://www. npcl.org.
Friday, September 20Sunday, September 22
Chester, Connecticut
FALL COMEGA 20: The 2oth Connecticut Men's Gathering
The Connecticut Men's Gathering is about inen exploring traditional , non-traditional, and changing views of masculinity and of themselves COMEGA provides an open, trusting, non-competitive environment for men of all ages, races, and backgrounds to come together and openly share their experiences as men and to learn from each
other. Men are encouraged to bring their sons . This is a wonderfu l opportunity for young men to watch other men at play and men sharing from their hearts. Cost: $125 00- $165 00 sliding scale Partial sc hola rs hip aid may be available.
Information: COMEGA , PO Box 687 , Hanford, CT 06142-0687 The website can be found at www.comega .org.
Thursday, September 26Friday, September 2 7
Northampton, Massachusetts For the Sake of the Child: Understanding Domestic Violence and Its Effects on Children
Two-day training exploring the dynamics of domesti c violence and its effects on children who wimess it. Topics to include: partner violen ce, intervention strategies ,- personal stories , and safety planning . Day Two features dramatic presentation, Will }Vu Hold My Child? Coordinated by the Massachusetts Department of Public Health . The Clarion Hotel & Conferen ce Center, Northampton , MA Information: Chase at C413) 586-7525 Ext. 1184 or se chase@state.ma.us. TIY: (800) 769-9991.
Friday, September 27Sunday, September 29
Becket, Ma.Ssachusetts Autumn Gender-Free Dance Camp Lavender Country & Folk Dancers Dance Camp is a time when you can meet old friends , make new ones, and enjoy each other's talents in dance, song , and music No partner or previ9us experience is necessary to participate This dance camp offers contra dancing, English co untry dancing, and international dancing . Other activities inc_lude the Saturday night variety show and costume dance party. LCFD welcomes lesbians , gays , bisexuals , and our friends and allies to participate in these events . Cost: $105- $205 . Information and Registration: Camp Registrar,Jim LaBonte, 10 Comauba St'Ext. #1 , Roslinda le, MA 02131-3627 . E-mail: CampReg@lcfd org Website: http ://www.lcfd .org/lcfd .
Wednesday, October 2, 9:00a m.- 4 :00p m. Springfield ,•Massachusetts Working Together to Address Workplace Issues Facing Low-Income Workers, Immigrants, and Welfare-to-Work Recipients
A Pioneer Valley conference for labor, lawyers, and community organizations. Keynote speakers include Unda Chavez Thompson, executive vice president of the AFL-CIO, author of Regulating the Poor Dr. Frances Fox Piven , and Northeastern University Law School professor Lucy Williams Location : Western New England College School of Law Information and Registration: (413) 796-2214 or (413) 782-1504.
Friday, October 4 - Sunday, October 6
Paradox , New York
11th Annual Fall Men 's Gathering at Pyraniid Lake Life Center
This is a weeke nd gathering for men in which a safe environment is created and through group activity, play, Sacred Circle sharing , and time in silence men are able to learn from other loving and courageous men what a healthy and responsible masculinity is, as well as doing whatever healing work comes up for each man This weekend gathering welcomes men of all color and sexual identity
Information: John Daubn ey. Phone : (518) 383-5602 E-mail : jdaub@ peoplepc com.
Thursday, October 17, Bpm
Amherst , Massachusetts
Playwright and Performing Artist
Reanae .McNeal in Don't Speak
My Mother's Name in Vain
One-woman performance using vignettes , dance, and song to. trace the experiences of African American women through a wide range of "herstorical " events , including interpersonal and institutional violence.
Location : Mahar Auditorium at UMass Amherst. Reanae McNeal will also be facilitating three workshops directed to the experiences of African Ainerican survivors of sexual violen ce during the week. Information : Information : Contact the Resource and Referral Program at the Everywom;m's Center: (413) 545-0883
Thursday; October 17- Sunday, October 20
Niagara-on-the-Lake, Ontario, Canada
Boys and Men: Profeminist &Systemic Research and Clinical Perspectives
The American Family Th era py Academy announces its Sixth Clinical Research Conference New perspectives on men and masculinity question traditional norms of the male role, such as the emphasis on toughness. competition, status , and emotional stoicism, and create positive new definitions of masculinity that support the optimal development of men, women, and children. This conference explores how these new perspectives help frame key interventions and pivotal therapeutic moments and create meaningful change Topics include profeminist studies, boys and young men in develop mental and multicultural perspective, 111en's healtp , masculinities of race , culture , and sexual orientation, and men's violence Registration is limited to 80. Information: (202) 333-3690
Website: http ://www afta org.
Thursday, October 24 - Friday, October 25 · Scottsdale , Arizona ·
Professional Gender Certificate Program
Presented by the Scottsdale National Gender Institute, this two-day program will focus on gender diversity issues· that can improye both internal and external effectivenesS with coworkers and customers. Participants will explore thf: roles of perceptions and stereotypes that often create gender misunderstandings . Participants will gain resources for implementing effective gender programs and initia.tives in the workplace . Umited to 20 people
Information and Registration: Scottsdale National Gender Institute , 4611 E. Sands Drive , Phoenix, AZ 85050; Tel. (480) 473-0426 ; Fax (480) 473-0427; E-mail info@gendertraining com (for information) or institute@gendertraining com (for registration). Website : http ://www.gendertraining .co m
Friday, October 25 - Sunday, October 27 Pumey, Vermont
The Mythic Warrior: Men 's Search for Masculinity and the Sacred Meeting one weekend a month for nine months, beginning in October 2002, the group will enact a mod em-day hero 's journey. Using depth psychology, ritual, initiatory activities, and group processes, we will cross the threshold of the sacred, developing personal and male rituals to suppon and guide us through life, creating self-trust and a nurturing, healthy masculinity that can help heal ourselves, our families, and our communities
Information: Sparrow Han at (802) 387-6624 Circles of Air and Stone, PO Box 48 , Pumey, VT 05346 E-mail: sparrow@together.net. Website: http ://wwwcircles-of-air.com.
Thurs day, November 7, 6:00p m - 9:00p m Holyoke , Massachu se tts
Men 's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts 7th Annual Challenge & Change Celebration
Since 1996 the Men's Resource Center has been honoring men whose work h as h elped create health , peace , and justice for the individuals, famili es, and com munities of Western Massachuse tts AI. our annual Challenge & Change Celebration these men are honored. Two years ago the Ozzy Klare Memorial Youth Award was established to acknowl edge the effons of you ng men In 2001 the Woman's Leadership Award was inaugurated This yea r's event will be held at the Log Cabin Banqu et and Meeting House in Easthampton , Massachusetts Cos t: $35 - $75, as your means allow
Information: Spiritjoseph, Men's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts, 236 Nonh Pleasant Stree t, Amherst, MA 01002 Teleph one: (413) 253-9887, ext 15 E-mail : sjoseph @ mensresourcecenterorg
Thursday, November 14, all day workshop Manchester, New Hampshire
More Than a Few Good Men
Planned Parenthood of New England hosts Jackson Katz in an all-clay workshop, "More Than a Few Good Men: Strategies for Inspiring Men and Boys to Be Allies in Gender Violence Preventio n.' '
Information: http ://www.ppnne.org!site/ PageServer7pagename =trainings
The Power of Positive Eating
Organic Fruits & Vegetables • Bulk Grains and Beans
Whole Grain Bakery • Delicatessen • Cafi
Bread & Circus
WHOLE FOODS MARKET
Russell St (Rt 9), Hadley, MA ·413--586-9932
Hours: Monday- Sunday: 9am- 9Pm
REGULAR COLUMNS: • Men & Health • Notes from Survivors • Fathering • Voices of Youth
• OutLines/GBQ Resources
• ColorLines
FEATURE ARTICLES such as: "Whose Masculinity Is It, Anyway?" "Male Violence in Sports" "How Men Cope with the Deaths of Their Fathers" "Living on an Island: The Isolation of Men"
To order back issues of VOICE MALE contact the MRC at (413) 253-9887, or 236 No. St.; Amherst, MA; 01002 "T1 )> ,...
