Two Sides of Fathering
The catchphrases "i_nvolved fathering" and " fathers' rights" have been at the forefront of an important debate raging across the country as more and more moms and dads .try to walk without stumbling through the still somewhat unfamiliar landscape of 21st-century American family life.
On one side of the debate are the growing number of men, whether in intact families or single-fathering, who have heeded the message of their own hearts or their children 's mothers (or both) to see their role as fathers as a central component of their identity. These men, often swimming upstream . against assigned expectations for fathers, are involved in ways seldom seen in previous generations. They don't go after the bfg promotion at work ; they arrange their schedules so they can take the kids to the dentist . They rarely miss a soccer game or school play. At home, they cook and clean and recognize that they don't have to make the big decisions unilaterally in order to feel good about themselves They are getting support from dads ' groups when their ktds are small; from parenting classes that involve fathers early and often. And they are also getting support from their partners or wives, current or ex, who recognize the simple fact that it is good for kids to have their dads actively involved in their lives and it is good for dads to be actively involved
Mothers of all stripes deserve a lot of credit for opening up the parenting circle wide enough to let fathers in After all, raising children has long been seen as a woman's domain, not to be encroached upon by the masculine hand that touches and directs so much of society. Even if the workload was gravely unbalanced, at least women knew that the realm of babies and children was theirs alone. Now, with the phenomenon of involved fathering, when a flict separation or divorce looms large, a household's personal problem can easily grow into a serious social threat to the stability of families and the safety of women and children.
For many separated or divorced fathers, unsure of how family life in the era of involved fathering is "supposed" to be, there is confusion, frustration, and often anger Sometimes those feelings are triggered by a family court judge awarding more time to an ex-partner to be with the children Sometimes those feelings are triggered because a father is still angry at his ex-wife for ending the relationship or because he feels unsure about how to take care of the kids by himself. Many such fathers see their children's mothers as actively trying to deny
' them access to their children, and more than a few get involved in what are often called "fathers' rights" groups It 's not uncommon to see handfuls of men with signs rights of dads picketing in front of family courts in many states , inCluding several in the Northeast.
Some may very well be getting a raw deal. If so , it is essential t;hat divorce lawyers, psychotherapists, family service court officers, mediators, guardians ad litem and judges educate themselves about those circumstances and take steps to intervene when a man has been inacc urately targeted as part of a strategy in a contentious custody complaint. However, a dangerously high number of cases have involved fathers with a documented history of abuse Some have been arrested for domestic assault and battery; some have had restraining orders taken out against them-not as a strategy, but because they have threatened to h,urt or have hurt their former partners Sometimes their chHdren, too, have been at risk.
Thankfully; the old-school response to domestic violence-violence behind a family's closed doors is nobody's business-has evolved into sophisticated trainings for police, social service agencies, physicians, school personnel, and emergency room staff to recognize signs of abuse. Society has said loudly and clearly that it won't tolerate bat- · tering .
Nonviolent fathers looking for a fair shake in custody cases where they have legitimate claims deserve support. But those who are intimidating their children 's mothers, harassing the court , or affiliating themselves with groups more interested in sustaining conflict than in the well-being of their children have forfeited any such claim · They'd be well advised to stop wasting precious time tearing down their children's mothers and concentrate instead on building up their relationships with their children
Involved, non-abusive fathers may have their hands full raising their children, but they have much to teach the fathers who 've crossed the line Maybe some of them who coach a team or juggle a carpool will find time to show up when the fathers' rights dads are picketing the court and will take a few minutes to talk with them. Maybe they'll band together, too , to say there is another way
Don't Ask/Don't Tell:
Administrative Staff
Exsclltlrs Director- Steven Botkin
Associate Director- Rob Okun
Dlnctor of Operations - Carl Erikson
Admltllstratlrs Assistant - Spirit Joseph
Men Overcoming VIolence
Dlnctors - Russell Bradbury-Carlin
C/11/t:al Supsrrtsor - Steven Botkin
Parlller Serrlcss Coordinator (on leave) - Sara Elinoff
IBferlm Plllfllsr Services Coordl1ator -Jan Eidelson
lltalcB Ctltlrtllnatortcourt Ualso11 - Steve Trudel F11111kll1 Co1111ty CoDitilnator - Joy Kaubin
#lamptiBI CODify Coordinator - Scott Girard
NDrlh Q11abbl1 Community Educator- Tom Sullivan Group LBadsrs -Russell Bradbury-Carlin, Eve Bogdanove. Sara Elinofl, Karen Fogliatti, Scali Girard, Steve Jefferson , Joy Kaubin, Devon Klein , Dot LaFratta, Gary Newcomb, Rob Okun , Tom Sullivan , Sieve Trudel
IBfBfll - Helen Lee
Hampden County Programs
Director of Immigrant and Refuges ProgramJuan Carlos Arean
Youth Programs
CIHirtll11at11r - Jeff Harris
Hll/yDicB GIDUP LBadBt - Gary Bullard
EdHor- Rob Okun
Voice Male
Ma•aglllg Ednor - Michael Burke
Se11lor Editor - Steven Botkin
Designer- candid des ign
CDpf EdltDtS- Michael Dover. Maurice Posada
Support Programs
Dl111ctor -Allan Arnaboldi
Support Group Facilitators
Allan Arnaboldi, Michael Baumgartner. Ken Bernstein, Slephen Bradley, Michael Burke, Jim Devlin, Carl Erikson, Tim Gordon, Ken Howard, Rick Kapler. Arne Korstvedt, Damien Licata, Gabor Lukacs, Rick Martin, Bob Mazer. Peter McAvoy, Jim Napolitan, Tom Schuyt, Chris Shanahan, Sheldon Snodgrass, Bob Sternberg
Board of Directors
Chair - Michael Dover
VIce-Chair - Thorn Herman
Clerk/TrsasutBr- Peter Jessop
Members - Mario Cruz. Jenny Dan iell, Nancy Girard, Tom Gardner. Ty Jouber/, Yoko Kato. Brenda L6pez, Matt Ouellet Sudhakar Vamathevan
Advisory Board
Michael Bardsley, Dean Cycon, Bailey Jackson Luis Melendez. Matthew Morse, Cheryl Rivera, Elili!beth Scheibel, Diane Troderrnan, Felice Yeske/
Editor's Note
Opinions expressed herein may not represent the views of all staff. board, or of the MRC. We welcome letters, articles, news items, article ideas, and events of interest We encourage unsolicited manuscripts, but cannot be responsible tor their loss Manuscripts will be returned and responded to if accompanied by a stamped return envelope Send to Voice Male, 236 N. Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002.
Advertising
For rates and deadlines call Vo ice Male Advertising at (413) 253-9887. Ex/ 22
A Challenge to Change
Several years ago the U.S. military adopted the "don't ask/don 't tell" policy to deal with (or avoid) the issue of gay men and lesbians serving in the armed forces Seen by some as an improvement over the "no gays in the military " policy, this plan offered a compromise : as long as you stay "in the closet" and don 't let anyone know about your sexual orientation , the military won't ask you and you can stay in the service . Silence and invisibility have been the price a job and, for many, a career.
And now we hear the Boy Scouts of · America (BSA) using the same don't ask/don't tell strategy in an attempt to maintain their traditional opposition to homosexuality without appearing to discriminate. "Although the BSA makes no effort to discover the sexual orientation of any person , we believe an avowed homosexual is not a role model for the faithbased values espoused in the Scout Oath and Law " (BSA website) The message is very clear Nobody asks and nobody tells You are qualified to be in scouting only if you agree to pledge allegiance to a very straight and very narrow definition of masculinity.
It is easy to criticize the military and the Boy Scouts for their overtly oppressive policies However, these two institutions, bastions of masculinity in our culture, have simp ly made explicit one of the fundamental rules of male socialization : if you want to be a "rea l man ," you don't ask and you don't tell. And the impact of this social policy affects us all.
Don 't ask why boys don't cry or play with dolls. Don 't ask why Daddy hits Mommy. Don 't ask about the flicker of sadness or fear in your friend's eyes. Don't ask if you could give him a hug Don't ask for attention to your own pain or fear Don't ask for a shoulder to lean on or cry on.
Don't tell about the violence you have seen or heard Don't tell about how you · were abused. Don't tell about the ways you were violent or abusive Don't tell how much you are hurt or scared Don't tell about your feelings at all Don't tell about your desires, or about your hopes, or your dreams Don't tell about who you really are and what you really want.
Even .before we hav e entered the Scouts or joined the military, we are taught the don't ask/don 't tell policy No matter what our sexual orientation, we learn not to tell or be anything that' would expose us as not fitting into the dominant definition of mas-
culinity. We also learn not to ask other m en anything that could expose them Together we learn to pledge allegiance to a straight and narrow model of manhood . Silence and invisibility is the price for our safety and acceptance
But what would happen if men b egan to break this silence, question the mask of masculinity, and tell the truth about our experiences and our feelings? What would happen if we joined together to pledge allegiance to our wonderful diversity of maleness/femaleness and challenge the institutions, laws , and culture that promote don't ask/don't tell policies? What would happen if we created an organization that could be a focal point for supporting a growing community of men and women committed to asking and telling?
For the past 19 years at the Men's Resource Center we have be e n exp loring answers to these questions Each week more than 100 men in Men Overcoming Violence groups and women in MOVE partners' groups meet to tell one another about their experiences with violence and abuse, and ask how to have nonviolent relation- · ships. Each week men come together in four different drop- in s uppon groups (two general groups , one for gay/bisexuaVquestioning men, and one for survivors of childhood abuse) to ask one another about their authentic selves and tell one another their real feelings And each week young men join in two (soon to be three) leaders hip and violence prevention groups to create a new culture of masculinity where asking and telling are va lued as signs of integrity and strength rather than punished or shamed as signs of weakness.
Each we join together as a community to affirm our commitment to challenging and changing the don't ask/don't tell culture of masculinity and to honor 111en and women who do ask and tell. On November 1 you are invited to join the Men's Resource Center at our sixth annual Challenge & Change Celebration (see story on page 5) We are no longer willing to be silent and isolated. We are coming out!
WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU
Write us! Please send typewritten, double-spaced letters to : VOICE MALE , MRC, 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst, MA 01002 or FAX us at (413) 253-4801, E-mail: mrc@valinet.com; include address and phone Letters may be edited fo r clarity and length Deadline for the Winter 2002 Issue is November 10, 2001.
Working Against Racism
It was most encouraging to see the good turnout in Amherst last May at the rally for Robert Green (whose business was the target of a racist attack; see related story, page 14), and to hear the excellent presentations from the various groups. I wish we could be more a.ctive in the work of implementing these resolutions, but we're getting old (almost 90) and the vigil is about all we can do We're especially aware of connections on and in all our issues, such as the ones we deal with a lot: prisons, prisoners and the death penalty, police brutality, etc . , with racism. It's good to know the Men's Resource Center is there working with MEN! Thankfully, women are getting more of their due
Lee and Margaret Holt Amherst , Mass
Supporting Men Works
MRC, thank you for being there! When I moved here for graduate school last fall, I was so nervous about finding a supportive place for a young gay guy. Thankfully an acquaintance mentioned it to me at the Stonewall Center open house . Everybody was great to me and I can easily say these past eight months have been the best of my life-with no small contribution from the MRC. I am grateful and awed at what good people can do when so inspired
Thank you
George F. Roberson Hinsdale, Mass
Can't Live Without You
Thanks to my friendship with Paul Zelizer, director of the Taos men 's center (Men's Resource Center of Northern New Mexico), I have been aware of the work of
Internal Mediation -Life Beyond Therapy
"Internal Mediation" is based on "The Work of Byron Katie" and Thorn Herman is a certified Practitioner of the Work. Internal Mediation is a simple and radical process that fundamentally alters our relationship to our thoughts
Thorn can be invited to present Internal Mediation to groups in a workshop setting. When invited Thorn works by donation. He also works with clients individually through his psychotherapy practice in Northampton and Greenfield, MA
For more information check out Thorn's web site at:
the Men 's Resource Center (of Western Massachusetts) and the existence of Voice Male for some years . The issues of VM I picked up at the recent NOMAS Men &: Masculinity conference in Denver, however, were so full of superb articles that I decided I could live no longer without a subscription Thank you many times both for the work that the MRC is doing to heal the gender wounds of so many people, and for the thoughtful, well-written articles in Voice Male. Good wishes in the continuation of your valuable work.
Bruce C. Barton Littleton, Colo
CAN YOU HELP?
The MRC needs :
PC compatible scanner
Color Printer
Digital Camera
Contact: Carl Erikson (413) 253-9887, Ext. 13
Challenge & Change 2001
Four to Receive Men's Resource Center Annual Award
The Men's Resource Center has selected four people to receive awards at its sixth annua l Challenge &: Change Celebration on Thursday, November 1, at the Inn at Northampton . This year's honorees include an Amherst guidance counselor, two leaders in the area 's nonprofit sector, and a student advocate for gay, lesbian , bisexual and transgendered (GLBT) people.
Challenge &: Change award recipients include Barry Brooks, guidance counselor at Amherst Regional Middle School, and David Sharken, executive director of the Food Bank of Western Massachusetts. John Kazlauskas, Jr., a recent graduate of the University of Massachusetts and an activist on GLBT issues, is receiving the Ozzy Klate Memorial Youth Award, and Kristi Nelson , exec utive director of the Women's Fund of Western Massachusetts, is the first recipient of the organization's Challenge &: Change Woman's Award.
Barry Brooks has been a guidance counselo r at Amherst Regional Middle School and Amherst Regional High School s ince 1977 . Born in Washington, D .C., he atte nd ed segregate d public schools there until I9 56, then att ended and graduated from Mount Hennon School in Northfield, Mass He received his B.S. from Springfield College in 1964 After teac hing in Connecticut, he and hi s family moved to Amherst in 1971, where he a ttended the Graduate School of Education at the Univers ity of Massachusetts and became the first director of the A Better Chance (ABC) House in Amherst. He continues to serve on ABC's board of directors. Barry has been a basketball coach and track and field official at the high school, has served as vice president of the AfricanAmerican Music Society of Springfield, and is a member of Black Men of Greater Springfield. He is also a staff member at the W.E.B. DuBois Academy, a Saturday school spo nsored by that organization. He has hosted a weekly jazz program on the radio for the past 18 years. "Year in and year out, Barry has been there for the young people o f Amherst and he has extended the reach o f his heart and mind to Springfield as we ll ," sai d Steven Botkin , MRC executive director "He is a cornerstone ' of our community and we are honored to call him a friend an d ally"
David Sharken has been working at the Food Bank of Western Massachusetts for nearly 10 years and has been its executive director for the past six, expanding the organization's .outreach and food distribution efforts as well as strengthening nutrition education and community service learning programs. David was also instrumental in creating the Massachusetts Emergency Food Assistance Program to provide a larger flow of nutritious food at no cost to emergency providers throughout the Commonwealth "David is a key voice for people in need across the region ," says Rob Okun, MRC associate director. "He's a constant presence, reminding us that , amidst apparent plenty, there is hunger He demonstrates, too, that we all can be part of the solution ." Previous to his food bank experience, David managed economic and community development activities for U.S. Rep . john Olver. He has been a consultant on non-profit management and actively worked on community and public policy issues for 20 years. He has a master's degree in Public Policy from Claremont Graduate School and a B A in organizational development from the University of Michigan. David currently serves on the national delegation of America's Second Harvest, the national network of food banks . He also is on the board of directors of the Council of Social Agencies of Hampshire County, the regional Federal Emergency Management Agency, the Human Services Forum of Hampden County, and the New England Anti-Hunger Network.
, john Kazlauskas, Jr., graduated summa cum laude from the University of Massachusetts earlier this year with majors in sociology and English and a minor in women's studies He was president of the distinguished visitors program , a resident assistant, and a member of the Stonewall Center's speakers' bureau John also helped organize a statewide Action for Campus Transformation (ACT) conference and was a peer educator on issues around sexual
harassment. His senior project, an educational film titled Speak Up!: Improving the Lives of GLBT Youth , is being nationally distributed to high sc hools and colleges through the Media Edu ca tion Foundation of Northampton He won one of three Class of 1941 Humanitarian Awards from the UMass Honors Program this year and was on the Youth Resource Honor Roll in 2000-a list of the 100 top activists for GLBT youth in the nation He is now attending New York University, pursuing an M A in an interdisciplinary program studying both film and activism/social inequality, building on the work he did as an undergraduate "The Ozzy Klate Award is for young men who demonstrate a deep commitment to developing leadership and community involvement along with a passion for creative expression and innovation, " said Botkin. "john fits these criteria perfectly We 're glad to have the chance to honor a young man doing good work that we support."
Kristi Nelson has worked in nonprofit management and development for the past 15 years, raising millions of dollars for causes ranging from the environment to hospice care. As executive director of the Women's Fund of Western Massachusetts, she recently completed a campaign to raise $5 million for the fund 's endowment, mobilizing women's resources on behalf of the needs of women and girls. Kristi serves on the advisory boards of Cancer Connection, Class Action, and the Men 's Resource Center. She also recently participated as the community member of the MRC's Strategic Planning Committee, which designed and oversaw the development of a five-year plan for the organization "I was privileged to work with Kristi on our strategic planning, " said Michael Dover, MRC board chair. "Her passion a nd energy was always palpable at our meetings , as was her considerable experience and wisdom It continues to be a distinct privilege to ha ve her presence as an ally She's given us so much it seemed only fitting that Kristi would be selected to be our first female award recipient. "
Tickets for the November 1st dinner at the Inn at Northampton are $30 with options available to b e a patron , sponsor or host. For more information call the MRC at (413) 253-9887, Ext. 22.
New Board Members Join Men's Resource Center
The Men's Resource Ce nter 's ( MR C) board of directors said a relu ct ant fa r ewell to one member and welcomed three new members not long ago. Shellie Taggart , a domestic violence specialist with th e Massachusetts Department of Soci al Services and a board member s in ce 1997, left the board to pursue a ma s ter's d egree in public policy. She will continu e as a m ember of the MRC's Anti - Racism Co mm ittee, which examines the organiz a tio n 's efforts to challenge racism as a ke y p a rt of its mission "Shellie has b een a tremend o u s asse t to the board," said its chair, Mich ael Do ve r "She has combined head and heart in everything she's done with and fo r u s. Sh e brought the perspective of someon e who has worked in the battered women's m ov ement , has worked to end racism in co mmunities and workplaces, and as a supervisor for a major state agency We will mi ss her wisdom, insight, and spirit. "
joining the board are Wilha m Dowd, Jack Hornor, and Matt Ouellett. Bill Dowd is president of Blair, Cutting and Smith Insurance Agency Group in Amhers t. An Amherst native, Bill first join ed th e MRC board's Development Committe e as a community member. He is a member of th e
Amherst Rotary and has been active in the state insurance association. He and his wife Bonnie have three children , two nine-year-old sons and a 13-year-oid daughter.
Jack Hornor, an independent fund-rais-
Bill Dowd ing consultant , grew up in New York City
a n d wo rk ed for many years as a teacher. In 199 0 J ac k cam e out of the closet, and m ove d to "a welcoming community, "
Nor th a mpton He chairs the Northampton Housing Partnership Jack has served on th e b oa rds of a variety of local gay and lesbi a n organizations, and in 1995 was the chi ef fund-raiser for th e Do mestic Pa rtnership Coalition.
Jac k wa s a ch arte r m emb e r of the MRC Ad vis ory Board, and chairs its Development Co mmittee . He and
his partner, Ron Skinn , live in Northampton.
Dr Matthew Ouellett is associate director of the Center For Teaching ( CFT), Univers ity of Massachusetts
Amherst , where he works with faculty and teaching assistants to Matt Ouellet develop skills for tea ching and learning in the diverse classroom . He presents workshops on teaching, diversity, and social justice issues regionally and nationally Matt is also adjunct lecturer a t Smith College School for Social Work, teaching courses on the implications of racism for clinical social work practice, and at the UMass School of Education, where he is conducting research on the Safe Schools Project for Gay and Lesbian Youth in high schools He and his partner, Ron Pa rent , live in Springfield. For more inlormation about the MRC board and its members, contact Michael Dover at ( 413) 253-9887, ext. 16
Jack Hornor
From Here to Maternity: Adding and Subtracting at MOVE
After nearly a decade as one of th e ce ntral players in the Men Overcomin g Violen ce program (MOVE) at the Men 's Reso urce Center, Sara Elinoff has gone on a yea r's maternity leave . Sara, the first wom a n to work at the MRC, -created MOVE 's pi on ee ring partner support s ervices in 199 2 (wi t h inspiration from MRC board memb e r Na n cy Girard). Partner services offer r egula r co ntact, including a weekly support group , fo r partners and ex-partners of men in the MRC's state-certified program for m en acting abusively in their families. In addition to serving as partner services coordinato r, for the past two and a half years Sara h as s er ve d as co-director of MOVE , sharing th e po s ition with Russell Bradbury-Carlin and for the past year, she has co-led one of the weekly MOVE groups
"Sara 's commitment to ending domestic violence is a source of inspiration for all of us in this challenging field ," Bradbury-Carlin said. "Going back to Sara Elin off
1985 when she began working in the battered- women 's movem ent , Sara ha s been a tirel es s advocate for women. What has b een i nspiring about wo rk i ng with h er has b ee n her ability to e mbrac e working with men ." Sara's article Jan Eidelson
"What's a Nice
Fe minist Like Me Doing in a Place Like This ?" in the Winter 1999 issue of Voice Mal e chronicles her journey from working at a battered-women 's shelter to working at the Men 's Resource Center "We celebrate with Sara and her family and look forward to her s trong ongoing connection to the MRC, " sa id MRC executive director Steven Botkin. "Most of all we look forward to a new member join ing the MRC family."Joining Elinoff o n maternity leave is partner outreach couns el or Mary Dupont-Brandt. "Mary's steady pres ence and dedication to MOVE's miss ion h as b een admirable. We'll miss her, " said Br adbury-Carlin
While Elinoff is on leave Bradbury-Carlin
will assume responsibility as director qf MOVE. Elinoff is being replaced by interim partner services coordinator, Jan Eidelson, who began work in August. Eidelson, who mo s t recently was working as a counselor at the New England Learning Center for Women in Transition (NELCWIT) , the Greenfield , Mass -based battered-women 's program : has a long history of working in the field , primarily in Philadelphia.
Also joining the MOVE staff is Karen Fogliatti , a seasoned batterer intervention counselor who worked in the field for several years in the Athol-Orange , Mass area. Fogliatti , who also Karen Fogliatti b egan work in August , will be co-leading three groups a week
She had previously worked as a community domestic violence awareness educator in the Athol-Orange area and is a longtime ally and colleague of the MOVE program and the MRC.
Fathers at Work
Assistance for young, low -income , noncustodial fathers wanting to provid e financial and emotional support for their children may be on the way. A three-y ear, $10 million program by the Charles St ewart Matt Foundation is bei!lg initiated to help fathers whose incomes fall below the poverty line for a single adult find jobs and learn new employable skills The foundation's Fathers at Work Initiative wants to help such fathers in d eveloping careers, finding jobs, and acquiring skills .
"If young, low-income fathers are to fulfill their financial responsibility to their children, there must be a greater impact on the personal and social barriers to employment that those men fac e ," said William S. White, Matt Foundation president.
White hopes lessons learned from the project will help shape future policy debates on social welfare and child support reform
Six organizations were cho s en by the foundation to work on the initiati ve Each will receive around $800,000 over the next three and a half years to plan and implement the program. The organizations include the Center for Employee Opportunities in New York City; Chicago Employment Services, Inc ; Impact Services Corporation in Philadelphia ; Rubicon Programs, Inc , in Richmond , California; Total Action Against Poverty in Roanoke, Virginia; and Vocational Foundation in New York More information can be found at the foundation's website, www mott org/
Gay Fatherhood on TV
A video documentary about gay fathers is in the works for public television San Francisco Bay area filmmaker Johnny Symons is directing and producing the documentary-in-progress with a focus on the personal, social, and political impact of gay men raising children . Producers say the film will portray five gay men , coupled or single, who have made a con sc ious choic e to form their own nuclear families either through adoption , foster parenting , or surrogacy. For more information about the film, write daddies@ix netcom.com
MEN(@WORK
The Silent Epidemic
Same Sex Domestic Violence
Surveys conducted over the past five years by the Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project (a statewide social servic e agency with a satellite office in western Massachusetts) have revealed that one in four gay, bisexual and transgendered (GBT) men have experienced domestic violence The demographics gathered in these surveys also show that men from a wide range of backgrounds have been victimized by abusive partners Men from all age ranges, ethnicity and income levels report having been abused at some point by an intimate partner. According to The Network!La Red ; Ending Abuse in Lesbian , Bisexual Women and Transgender Communities (another statewide agency) , the same ratio of one-in-four applies to women in those communities . Notably, the one -in-four ratio is equivalent to the results that the U S. Justice Department has released based on their surveys of heterosexual women To date, no surveys have been conducted of heterosexual males, although the Centers for Disease Control has recently released a report stating that one in five victims of domestic violence are men (straight and GBT).
It is apparent that domestic violence does not discriminate based on age, income , ethnicity background, sex, gend e r o r sexual orientation . Domestic violence can and does happen in all typ es of relationships. With the accomp a n ying "side effects" of physical trauma , mental health disorders, homelessn ess , and loss of economic stability (to name a few) , it also becomes apparent that domestic violence is a very serious public health threat.
Why does the issue of same sex domestic violence receive so little exposure in the media? Perhaps because the
issue is rarely talked about within the Gay Lesbian Bisexual and Transgender community (GLBT) where fear of further oppression may inhibit a thorough examination . As an oppressed group, the GLBT community may be hesitant to address issues many are afraid will further "stain" the community. Also , there is protectionism ·of "queer love," which endorses over-protection of same gender relationships and unwillingness to recognize abuse when it happens Some idolize "queer love" as a deconstruction of many of the power differences in heterosexual relationships. This defensiveness can build community denial about abusive relationships. Domestic violence of any kind is about power and controlone person exercising power and control over another, and the victim is losing his or her power and control over his or her life The fear, isolation , and embarrassment that follows can be paralyzing, and many victims feel they cannot speak out. Talking about what has happened, sharing stories, and reaching out to those who you think might need help are all good ways to start addressing this silent epidemic Volunteers are needed, from sta{fing a hot line to providing a temporary "safe home ." To find out about helping, call any of the following organizations : Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project, 800-832-1901; The Network /La Red: Ending Abuse in Lesbian, Bisexual Women and Transgender Communities, 617-423-SAFE; Violence Recovery Program at Fenway Health, 800-834-3242
- Mark Cannien
Mark Cannien is the Western Massachusetts coordinator for the Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project.
Sleeping with the Enemy
By Willow Brocke
As a feminist, I can talk for hours about the living, breathing reality of women's economic, social and sexual oppression. However, when I first heard about the men 's movement I was highly suspicious. "Why do they need a movement? " I thought. "They already own and control everythingwhat's their problem?" The whole thing smelled of backlash to me. Then I met my husband and started learning to love a man--close up Slowly I began to understand what some of the issues might be I know that as a woman I will always remain an outsider to the men's movement and would never attempt to define the nature of male oppression. I also know that my husband's struggle to reevaluate what it means to be a man has not been undertaken in a vacuum. When you share the same bed, bathroom, kitchen table and bank account with someone, you feel the bumps and stretches of their personal growth I had two choices: resist the changes or grow with him. So, like any normal marriage partner, I did both.
Laundry Rights
I'm sure my early feminist friends would tell me that falling in love with the "enemy" clouds one's political judgment. Perhaps they' re right , but when the dating-fire died down and we began to have those future-of-our-relationship discussions, I'm sure it was the feminist in me who decided she'd better hold on to this one. We were having an argument in my apartment one afternoon when it suddenly dawned on me that during the whole irritating dialogue, he had been washing, drying, and folding my laundry! He wasn't doing it to impress me. In fact he was frustrated as heck with me-he was doing it because it was there. At that moment, the light bulb came on over my heart-along with the words : I can work with this. The point is that my husband "gets it." He is one of those men who honestly does half of the housework and child care. He is fair; and he's been that way for 10 years now. So when he began to challenge me about my sexist behavior, I had to admit he had earned the right.
Defensive Driving
" I really hate it when you do that," he said one evening on the way home from a dinner party
"What? " I asked, already defensive as I pulled out onto the highway.
"Make sweeping generalizations about men ." I rewound the party in my head "You mean when Larry called the guys downstairs ·to play pool?"
"Yes," he said. "I heard you say something about 'the boys and their toys,' and then you laughed."
I was caught; it was a sweeping generalization But wasn 't it true? Didn 't men generally seem to avoid meaningful conversation with each other by distracting themselves with some kind of game, gadget or activity?
"Why play pool then? " I asked, confident of my observation "Why not just talk to each other?" This was when he really started to sound exasperated-! realized this was going
to be more than a friendly debate.
"If you'd been paying attention," he declared, "you might have noticed that for the hour before we went downstairs we were trying to talk-but the women were dominating the conversation . Not just in terms of sheer verbiage but also re-interpreting, re-defining, and re-directing what the men said."
"We did not!" I denied "Give me an example! " I always ask for examples when I know I'm losing an argument.
"Remember when Doug was trying to talk about how much he enjoyed taking his son Jamie on a fishing trip last month?" he asked I did. He continued, "Before he could even · get the story out, his wife started telling everyone the trip had been a kind of 'initiation' for Jamie."
"Yeah, so?" I asked defiantly.
"The point," he concluded, "is that this is his wife 's interpretation of what was important
about the trip We never got to hear the rest of Doug's story because the women started talking about the whole 'male initiation' thingDoug gave up."
"Oh," I said, starting to see that he might have a fledgling point. After a couple more equally good examples, I was beginning to understand the retreat to the pool table in a different light and realized why my sweeping generalization had sunk the eight ball on the first shot.
Holding Back the Flood
Over the next few weeks, with my husband's help, I began to see a pattern of interaction I had- not been aware of. My words were defining the emotional , moral and relational aspects of our life together. Words like "appropriate," "assertive," "compassionate," "fair," "compromise," and " consultative" were all helpful terms for negotiating our relationship-but they were all coming out of my mouth-arid they were flooding the place
Why was this happening? It was happening because I was good at it. I'd been practicing since the day I'd read the sign on the kindergarten wall that stated in no uncertain terms that girls were made of "sugar and spice and everything nice." Before the year was out, my kinder girl friends and I had already started a dub to save the bugs that the "mean" boys had wounded . It was our job to understand how the bugs felt-we were the girls. Practicing the language of emotion, compassion, and connection was not only expected of us, it was our responsibility ; we were in training to hold families together While the boys were doing the bug squashing that was expected of them, we were busy squishing our substantial power into the language of relationships.
Apparently, now that kindergarten was over, my husband was trying to let me know that my rapid-fire ability to define and shape our emotional landscape with words was interfering with his ability to define it for himself. As much as I hated to admit it, if my husband was calling me sexist-it was probably a fair call
Now for the Hard Part
Nothing is true for everyone-all the time. Some women are terrible at expressing their feelings and some men are wonderful at it. However, if there is a general pattern of men and women "squishing" our power into gender-acceptable "inner" and "outer" domains,
what will help us find a better balance?
It's a tough question. If we want to shift the balance of gender power, not only do men have to loosen their grip on the political and economic world-including definitions of the terms-we women have to be willing to loosen our grip on verbally exploring and mapping the emotional landsca pe between people How can we do this? Well, these days my husband attends a men's group where he talks about his experiences and builds close relationships-9n his own terms. What does he say there? Is he finding the best words? I have no idea . That's why it's so important that he goesand I don't.
Things are also different at horne now And since my husband and I are both family counselors, we }lave a habit of offering our experience to others Here are a few tripletested suggestions for learning to share the emotional word-space in your relationship (see sidebar at right)
Following these suggestions may prove to have a powerful effect on the terms of your relationship Wh a t I notice is that my definitions of relationship issues no longer cancel my husband's out-he 's got his own words for what's going on and he's not afraid to use them. You might think this creates more conflict in our relationship but it doesn 't.
Just as women who " make it" in business often bring a fresh perspective to the maledominated world of commerce, men who learn to speak the language of the h'eart have a lot to teach women about how to love the people we love-without losing ourselves.
Taking the time to listen and value my husband's experience of the relational world has not weakened my perspective as a feminist-only expanded it. I may be a lone voice on the way to the feminist forum, but , l suspect that women will never really be free to express their collective power in the world until men are free to express the collective contents of their hearts-and vice versa. So take a load off, feminist sisters. Sharing the power of the emotional domain is a lot like getting help with the dirty laundry-it frees you up to do other things.
Willow Brocke is a counselor, writer, mother, and graduate student who lives in Summerland, British Columbia This article is reprinted with permission from Synchronicity: The Magazine, PO Box 63118, RPO West Hillhurst, Calgary AB T2N 455 Canada.
Men in an Age of Innocence
Photos of 19th-Century Male Friendships
Edited by David Deitcher
Wen we think of American manhood in he 19th century, images of frontiersmen, cowboys , rotund tycoons, and rawboned urban 'workingmen may come to mind. But a new book of photographs depicting male friendships from that time casts our notions of early American masculinity in another, quite different light.
In Dear Friends: American Photographs of Men Togeth er, 1840-1918 (Abrams, $35 00), art historian David Deitcher has brought together more than 100 rare photographs commemorating male friendships from this era. Drawing on daguerreotypes, tintypes , early postcards, and ambrotypes from public and private collections, the book vividly portrays the common practice among 19th-century American men of commemorating their friendships with a visit to the local photographer. In so doing, it sheds new light on our perhaps misconceived ideas about male physical intimacy during these decades
On the News Hour with jim Lehrer, Richard Rodriguez called these photographs "most effective
Subjects unknown , c l910. Photographer un known. Inscription in the negative reads: "#28. Cowboy ' Danc e Stag' " Postmarked on verso : "WinnerS Dak ., Oct. 20 , lilleg.l."
Collection of Henry Weintraub.
Left: Subj ects u nknown, c l885. Photographer unknown. Co llection of Herbert Mitchell.
Right: Subjects unknown , c l870 Photographer unknown. Collection of Henry Weintraub.
Subjects unknown, c l907. Photograph er unkn own. Inscription reads : "Have not r e ceived an answer yetljus t foolish picture lOne in return please 'C. " Posnn arked on verso: "Ford (?) City, April13 PM 1907 ." Collection of Pete r Miller.
and unsettling, " adding , " l d a re anyon e, homosexual or heterosexual , to tell me exactly what these photographs mean "
Indeed, the book 's author, who teache s at Cooper Union in New York City, not es that in the late Victorian period , far from being physically inhibited , as we mi g ht suppose, men commonly established intimate, even passionate relationships with other men They "posed for photographers holding hands, entwining limbs, or resting in the shelter of each other's accommodatin g bodies , innocent of the suspicion that such behavior would later arouse . " Ye t while such photographs have long been collected by gay men, Deitcher reminds us that th ey remain essentially mysterious or ambiguous in meaning : "they are powerless to communicate anything more than the following: This is how these men looked on th a t day when they sat for the photographer "
On these pages are selections from the book. For more information on Dear Friends : American Photographs of Men Together, 1840-1918, contact Harry N. Abrams, Inc . , 100 Fifth Avenue, New York, N .Y. lOOll , (212) 206-7715.
.Young Men of Color Speaking Out
Since last spring a group of young men of color, including me, has been meeting at the Men's Resource Center (MRC) having free-ranging conversations about our place in contemporary society For a couple of hours each week, over pizza, we get to know one another and take a hard look at important issues surrounding our emerging masculinity. We named our group the Taking Action Committee (TAC)
Led by MRC youth programs coordinator Jeff Harris, TAC is part of the men's center's broader set of youth programs Since starting up, we've organized a picnic attended by 60 younger and older men of color, and a leadership forum where younger and older men carne together to talk about men's lives, manhood, and political and social change
I see TAC as a place where young men of color can have in-depth discussions about racism and prejudice. We get together on Wednesday afternoons in a big living room at the MRC offices We're a mix of high school students from Amherst Regional High School who live at the A Better Chance (ABC) House in Amherst , and college students from the University of Massachusetts We talk about major issues that affect and reflect our position as young men of color in society.
TAC discusses ways to break racial barriers and to uncover better ways of dealing with them. Some of the topics we've taken up include "What It Means to Be on a Journey to Healthy Manhood" and "How Leadership Can Help Young Men of Color Deal with Oppression ." The group offers techniques and collaborative ideas that can actually be used in real-life situations TAC is also a time set apart from everyday life where we, as young men of color, can talk about our feelings and interpretations of life. My first experiences of the group were about getting to know new people who were going through the same things , dealing with the same problems I was dealing with and had gone through my whole life. Negative generalizations regarding people of color have been deeply imbedded in American society The Taking Action Committee is a program that challenges these negative generalizations and, in this way, tries to rebuild America's foundations. The group enables young people of color to
witness real, older role models who aren't afraid to talk about important issues normally hidden in the outskirts of society TAC is an elaborate venting session of sorts that can reduce the everyday stresses that have unhealthy effects on our lives. Racism is a way of life in America, and to us as adolescents TAC represents hope in continuing the struggle against it.
From the beginning, my impressions of the group were positive because, for the first time, I was able to witness young men of color speaking as though there were no constraints . It was as though we were in a different world, or even a bubble, not caring what might happen if we really addressed how we feel. My impression of those college students actually giving back
to us younger men was good, because they had not forgotten that they were once in our same position . Our group felt like a tight-knit family, even from the first session. We vented-some of us for the first timeabout problems we all faced and we all shared.
It was extremely valuable to participate in this group, because so rarely do people of color come together to talk about the issues that stress us every day. Sometimes we do not even realize what the are, so they pass us by without our having the opportunity to resolve them. I feel it is very important for me to continue in TAC, because the group enables people of color to take time to talk about what we actually live.
It seems as though we take time for everything else in life, even if it does not affect our future , so I feel that it is our
obligation and, even more, to our benefit, to take time once a week to talk about issues and problems that have affected us since birth
Having discussions on topics appealing to us allows us to distribute our knowledge to one another, so that each of us becomes a teacher, as well as a learner.
To people of color of all ages, I would strongly recommend corning to meetings like those in TAC. I have found them to be extremely enlightening sessions that have changed, supported, and strengthened my own views about racis m, prejudice , and, overall, society's perceptions of people of color For me, the benefits became immediately apparent
I first found out about the Taking Action Committee from my father and, later on, the details were filled in by one of my friends. He had told me that there were incentives to joining the program, such as money and food . I have to say that one hour into the discussions my original motive for going-the "incentives"-had changed My motivation and goal had now become to teach others and to make sure others knew they had an ear to tell their stories to . As soon as I and others felt this satisfaction of listening, and being heard, future attendance was not an issue. Every group member was present on a consistent basis, making TAC overall a strong and lasting program I'm glad the group has started up again so I'll be able to talk about real-life issues with other young men of color I hope more young men of color will join us.
Antonio Lewis, 17, is a senior at Amherst (Mass . ) Regional High School. For more information about the Taking Action Committee of Mens Resource C enter youth programs, contact jeff Harris at ( 413) 2539887, Ext. 31, or mrc@valinet.com.
Living on an Island
By Michael Burke
No man is an Island," john Donne famously wrote, about four centuries ago Yet many men have lived as if they were : on the surface, independent and self-sufficient; but inside, isolated and alone. I've been one of them
As a volunteer facilitator of the Men's Resource Center's regular open men's support group, I'm always curious about what brings new men to the group each week. Often they're propelled by crisisthe end of a relationship, loss of a job, a difficult time with a partner-and they're looking for help from men who've been through it Some are drawn mainly by the urge to connect with other men
In both cases, I've heard men admit , "I have no friends " Or, "I don't have any men friends-all my friends are women. " Or even, "I'm lonely. There's no one I can talk to. I've been feeling isolated and depressed. Sadly, these are common themes in men 's stories I've experienced them myself.
I first noticed my own isolation as a senior in college . A relationship with a woman I'd known since high school had just ended, and in addition to feeling jealousy (another man was involved) and the pain of loss, I experienced a sudden emptiness : the realization that I had no fnends I had invested most of my social and emotional energy in the relationship, and when that evaporated, I looked around me to see only a wasteland, denuded of social supports . I did have a couple of friends going to school in other places, but I didn't feel comfortable enough to pick up the phone and let them know what was going on. My family was nearby, but I couldn't talk to them about it. I had coworkers I liked, but I hadn't seen the need or taken the time to cultivate them as friends. AbruptJy sunk into a near-suicidal depression , I was living on a desert island whose stark landscape is familiar to many men : alone with my thoughts and my pain, barely able to get up and make my bed and eat something, let alone leave my apartment, I had no one I could trust to share my feelings, no one I could ask: "Am I crazy? Am I going to be OK? "
One night, desperate and sad, wantmg only to make the pain stop hurting, I called a suicide hotline and spoke to a volunteer, then went to see a therapist. As I heard
her of regulars showed up, and I came to really like some of those guys . just getting out and running around, joking with other men my age and older, was incredibly good for me-but I never got to know any of them as friends. Most I didn't know beyond first names, and what they were like on the court One day after a game some of the African-American men sat down to talk about the churches they attended; I eavesdropped while cooling down, fascinated, as they talked not about religion, but about fellowship . They sought out churches where they felt welcomed and comfortablewhere they found community They knew something important, someJu stin Freed l k f thing I had yet to oo or myself talk about taking my own life, it frightened me, sobered me, and I knew I couldn't do it. Scratch that off the list. Somehow I picked myself up--I threw myself into my final year of college, started weightlifting and writing poetry, and slowly began to develop friendships with the coworkers I hadn't made time for before (and who'd dismissed me as pompous and aloof since I wouldn 't engage with them) . Some of these relationships were not ideal, but they met critical needs for me at the time. I began to recover a sense of who I was, and to put things back together in my life.
Flash forward eight years, to 1991. Married now, with a four-month-old baby, I had just finished grad school in California (which I loved) and moved to Massachusetts (which I hated) I didn't want to be here , I was cut off from all my gradschool buddies, I was struggling to learn to be a father and I was unemployed to boot. jobs I was qualified for weren't plentiful at the time , so I began working at home doing freelance book editing (something I'd done part-time before), taking care of my daughter while my wife, then a grad student herself, was in school.
This was not a role I was prepared for, and looking back, I can see that I was much of the time. Socially, I had no supports whatsoever; all the people I worked for were just distant voices on the phone; we had one car, and my big was to go to the post office to express-mat! a project Finally our next-door neighbor introduc ed me to a pickup basketball game that happened twice a week. A good num-
It took me over four years, and another crisis to realize that I needed to connect with in a real way: My wife and I had another child, but instead of cementing our relationship it seemed to threaten its very existence. Once again I was depressed, but I didn't know it. I was isolated, but only dimly aware; someone else (a female friend) had to tell me, and a couples' counselor (also a woman) fortunately gave me the phone number for a drop-in men's group . After a few weeks of dithering, I finally got up the courage to go.
That group--the MRC's Sunday night group in Amherst-was a catalyst for me to change my life, and it went a way toward saving my marnage (though Its important to note that relationships don't get "fixed" in men's groups). I became a regular participant, going back week after week and since 1997 I've been a volunteer Getting involved with the MRC in that and other capacities has helped me connect with other men who, like me , are also struggling with isolation , friendship, fatherhood, sexuality; relationships, work, and the like Identifying and dealing with my depression, a recurring theme in my life, has helped me to know myself, and to practice self-care. I have good and understanding friends now whom I trust, with whom I can share and be myself, and among whom I feel relaxed and whole. Some of them struggle with depression and too, so even when we're in the grip of It, we can often talk about it honestly and feel better. End of story? Have I "beate1;1" isolation and depression? It's always a temptation, especially when I'm acting in the role of continued on page 22
A Hometown Challenge to Racism
What year is it, 2001 or 1971? What makes me ask this question?
Recently, a man I've known since I was a youth in my hometown of Amherst, Mass (where the Men's Resource Center is headquartered), had a rock thrown through the window of his typewriter and computerbusiness KKK was typed on display machines in front of the store When that happened, it made me think of my father's attempts to start his own business in Amherst in the 1970s It was the time of the Vietnam War, Watergate , racial problems, and only one black -owned business in the area-that I knew of-my father 's
My father was Fred Harris, and he owned and operated Amherst Bowling Alley on the main street in town I was so proud of him! I was ten years old and my father trusted me to help run the alley while he took on a second job to make ends meet. We had no real support from our extended family, or from the financial community The biggest problem we faced was not owning the building that housed the bowling alley, which , unfortunately, was for sale . My dad approached every bank in the Amherst-Northampton area for financial help to acquire the building but everywhere he turned he was rejected. We thought a bowling alley in a community with three colleges would be seen as a gold mine of an idea We were disappointed that the financial community did not agree Someone encouraged Dad to try nearby Springfield Happily, the second bank he approached there gave him the loan Once he received it, though , the owner of the building decided to sell to someone else. My father was heartbroken So was I. Dad had received 17 "no 's " before the bank in Springfield accepted his application. It felt ' like there was a conspiracy against us .
The 1970s were a special time for me It was my father and me against the world! With the struggles of minorities, the liberating anthems of the sixties calling for equality and peace, I thought it was only a matter of time before other minorities in Amherst · would try to start their own businesses I thought my father's efforts would, in a small way, help pave the road for others But 30 years later, as I walk the streets of Amherst it feels like not much has changed. I look at the storefronts and it saddens me that you can count the number of black-owned businesses on one hand
The question that plagues me is, Why hasn't it changed? What keeps minorities from flourishing? Is it white racism, classism , and domination, or is it the black slav-
ery mentality, the effect of 400 years of oppression? Both sides could argue that the past is the past and people need to move on I do not agree The sins and the successes of the ancestors will and do come back to haunt or help future generations Think about it! If physical and mental abuse is passed down from one generation to the next, how much harder will it be to eliminate the views and opinions of an entire nation? For black Americans , 400 years of being told you are worth nothing, coupled with family divisions and a lack of generational wealth, leaves a deep scar on the spirit. For whites , 400 years of totally controlling another group , and generations of accumulated wealth, invite feelings of great confidence and a desire to keep things as they are
When the man I'd known as a boy, Robert Green, had his store vandalized I was outraged . But at the same time , I was proud to work at the Men's Resource Center because it took a leadership role in the community's response to the attack, including helping to organize a rally to show support for Mr. Green and his family A few hundred people attended a moving rally on the town common, which was great. But I was disappointed that only a handful of blacks came out in support I was pleased there were many representatives from the Amherst business community, but the fact that my people did not show their support bothered me. 1 went home burdened by the day's events Feelings ran deep; something had hit a nerve As I rocked my daughter to sleep that night, I tried to put my finger on what had really happened that day I talked with my wife, and to God , trying to put closure on what for me had been a hard day put of what happened .I was inspired to try to make a difference in Amherst. I was fortunate to be able to be part of a team that
began planning a gathering we called a Men of Color Leadership Forum The group would be an opportunity for young men of color to come together with older men of color to learn from their experiences and to benefit from their wisdom The idea of the forum would be to help young minority men develop into strong, healthy men, to grow to become good husbands and fathers-leaders of tomorrow.
I was so ela ted that it was hard to pace myself. I made phone calls, sent out mailers , and called all of my old friends to invite them to the gathering Finally the day arrived . Much to my surprise and disappointment only four people showed up Out of 60 invitations only four people showed up! The same feeling I had at the rally came rushing back. "Where is the black support in this town? "
I grew up here. My mother and grandmother were born in this area . I know almost every black family tha t lives in the area Why is it so hard to get minorities to support minorities? What is it? We survived the slave ships, kept our spirits alive through centuries of bondage , and rallied and fought together after slavery for the same rights and privileges as whites
Do people feel the fight is over? Did the dream really die with Martin Luther King and Malcolm X? I can assure you it did not I am more committed to making change than ever before I am proud to be working at the Men's Resource Center coordinating youth groups and services It's a challenge I love to face every day. The futur e looms bright because I know there are people out there, young and older, who want to see · things change for the better I challenge all of you reading these words to get involved, to stop saying how bad things are without trying to make a difference ·to improve things yourselves This article began with the question , Is it 1971 or 2001? When it comes to identifying progress in challenging racism , it's up to each of us to say what year it really is
jeff Harris is director of youth programs at the Mens Resource Center and the father of two daughters
Your Gender Is ... a) Male b) Female c) Neither d) Yes!
argue that cons ent is the most important aspect of nearly all human interaction , we overlook the fact that gender itself is not consensual. We are given no choice and few routes of escape
What do you call "a fanatical cult , demanding blind obedience to mostly unwritten , unagreedupon rules, regulations, and qualifications"? .If you guessed GENDER (or even if you didn't), you should check out Kate Bomstein's Gender Outlaw: On Men, Women, and the Rest of Us. But don't expect an angry rant, a vanguardist political exhortation , or a dry cultural examination. Rather, Bornstein takes up the question of gender and gender transgression in a playful, hopeful, and democratic way, without sacrificing the deadly serious nature of her inquiry or the very serious consequences of both adhering to and transgressing gender.
Within the pages of Gender Outlaw you'll find a smorgasbord of styles, topics , and ideas, including chapters on FAQs about the meaning of transgender and transsexual; a list of the "rules of gender " (actually written by a sociologist) ; deeply personal reflections on Bornstein's own history and identity; the details of how genital reassignment surgery works; fierce political statements on gender, sexuality, power, and identity; satirical takes on pop culture and contemporary politics; and even the full text of Bornstein's play Hidden : A Gender
Throughout, Bornstein weaves together analysis and narrative in a way that challenges us to radically rethink the way we understand gender (yes, even us progressive feminists and pro-feminists) . In a political arena where much work has been done on redefining the categories of man and woman to allow new spaces where women don 't have to be demure bimbos and men don't have to be domineering jocks, Bornstein takes a whole different approach Instead of redefining the categories, Bornstein suggests that we get real and scrap the categories altogether. The fact is that our cultural and , yes, even our biological notions of gender are upheld by human regulatory practices that (often violently) force us into one box or the other. And while feminists and pro-feminists
Bornstein also contests the idea that we ' ll eventually be able to break down our cultural hang-ups on gender roles , so that men and women can have both "masculine " and "feminine" a ttributes and that all power ·differentials between the two genders will eventually be broken down "Gender implies class ," Bornstein argues, "and class presupposes inequality. Fight rather for the deconstruction of gender"it would bring equality much faster than fighting for equality between natural genders
But Bornstein ne ver gets metaphysical or argues that gender is all in our heads. Having lived life p assi ng as both man and woman at various times (as well as plenty
of time not quite passing as either), Bomstein can all too well attest to the very real effects of gendered life . Sh e writes, "The differences in the way men and women are treated are real. And the fact is this difference in treatment has no basis in the differences between men and women . I was the same person , and I was treated entirely differently. I got real interested in feminist theory-real fast."
Her personal reflections, as well as her political analysis, always focus on how power is gendered, and she has a special insight into male privilege. "It took my becoming a woman to discover my 'ma le behavior'-that is , ex hibiting male privilege," she writes. '" Male privileg e' is assuming one has the right to occupy any space or person by whatever means , with or without permission . It 's a sense of entitlement that is unique to those who have
been raised male in most cultures
Male privilege is, in a word, violence ." You ' ll have to pick up the book yourself to read all about Bornstein 's encounter with male privilege during her gender transition, male privilege among male-to-female transsexuals, and the detailed understanding she developed while she began to concurrently lose and to give up the male privilege she once blindly enjoyed
Even if you vehemently disagree with Bornstein's perspective or analysis, this book is worth reading, if for nothing more than the exposure to a set of ideas so at odds with most popular discourse Bornstein would never see this book as an end point, but rather a starting point for discussion of gender that isn 't afraid to challenge the sacred tenets of both mainstream and progressive groups. In her refusal to let us get away with taking gender as natural or inevitable , she forces us to be more honest with ourselves, even if that might mean questioning our basic frameworks of gender and power
And if you 've a brave soul, c heck out Bornstein's My Gender Workbook (Routledge, 1998), which will take you on an interactive personal journey through your own experience of gender through a series of questions and exercises Well worth it if you ' re willing to do some hard looking, but not for the faint of heart!
Mark Ribble is a volunteer at the Mens Resource Center and the Everywomans Center at the University of Massachusetts He formally coordinated the Activist Mens Network for the MRC. He will graduate from Hampshire College in the spring.
nes Gay & Queer: What's in a Name?
Irecently attended my (shudder) fiftieth high school reunion. It was good to see old friends, but it was strange to be "Mike " once again . "Mike" was a high school and college kid; somewhere along the line he became "Michael, " more formal , more distant, more inward. Mike was out there , friendly, social. Michael is private Mike was clueless; Michael has a clue . Mike was sexless; Michael is queer Was Mike queer, too? Not possible ; queer didn 't exist in the forties Neither did "gay," for that matter In the forties, those people (we?) were fairies or pansies Those people walked with mincing gait, wore pink shirts, flitted about on Thursdays. And, of course, Mike did none of those things It was not that girls, those formidable and exotic creatures, exerted any sexua l attraction on Mike. He loved girls; he could talk about art and music and religion and world government with them . Girls had ideas, at least the girls who were his friends did Boys exercised no sexual attraction on Mike, either. Mike solved the problem of sex by having none of it.
This little excursion into autobiography is really leading up to the question : What if the term " queer " had existed in the forties? What, even, if "gay" had been in use then? What, in other words, might have been the difference for me if affirmative, gutsy names for the confusing, alluring yearnings I s uppressed had been available?
" Gay" has an equivocal history, and some straight people express regret that its original meaning of frivolous and weightless joy is no longer availaple to them. But that transformation is complete, and "gay" is now weighted with tremendous irony Happiness and sadness \rreparably linked by this label of cho ice. Being gay is both a burden and a joy; but then, so is life for most people Burdens and joys are distributed without regard to sexual preference or sexual orientation "Gay" and "straight" have become ways people describe themselves, without much emotional co ntent or commitment. One does not seem to be affirming much of anything by claiming either of them.
That is why, for some gay men, the term seems a bit pallid in a society still cursed with individual and institutional homopho-
bia . To be sure, sometimes we want to remind everyone that we are part of the human family, that orientation towards or preference for same-sex partners is parallel to orientation towards or preference for opposite sex partn e rs In these cases, "ga y" is a convenient and often acce ptable label. But sometimes , we (or at leas t some) want to be more assertive and affi rming about our essential identities We want to claim that just those things our h aters use agains t us are the very things we assert a nd affirm. Our sexuality is sometimes just one of those things, but at other times it is the central thing For many, "queer" is the name that captures and identifi es what we
want to assert and affirm-that in spite of grief and oppression our sexua lity is a source of pride and joy, as our local queer shop reminds us.
" Queer " is a tough, hard-edged, inyour-face id entity. It is still used against us by those we discomfit. When we transform it into a positive and affirm a tiv e identity, we are part of a long historical tradition of oppressed groups who have challenged their oppressors by appropriating their labels of hate.
" Queer" has two other distinct virtues , at least to this queer man. First, it is inclusive "Que er" is as much an umbrella as it is a label. Gay men, lesbians, bisexual men and women and transsexuals are accommodated under its sheltering embrace. When I call myself qu ee r, I am no t on ly making a statement of identity but also a statement of affiliation I am joining a community, and it is community I prefer It includes women, and for me life without
women would be unfulfill ed. One of the great joys of coming to terms with my se xuality lat er in life is that at la st 1 don 't have to be afraid of wo m en; I don't have to worry about being in a false position when I am with them. I love women and I love being with them. The queer community includes women, and hurray for that! It includes transsexuals, who must be about the most courageous people I know It in'cludes drag queens and drag kings and other variations on the theme of gender bending. Th ank you to all th ese queer people for transforming gender from a fixed to a fluid and nu a nced notion They have done a great service to all of us and enriched the ways we ha ve of being human
But there is another reason I am queer For a number of years I answe r ed to the la b el " bisexual." It felt antiseptic and clinical, but it was all we had. Like "homosexual ," it seems off-putting, intrusive and sloppy. "B isexual " sounds like it is drawn from one of those huge medical tomes It makes me feel lik e a scienti fic object, an example of a condition "Bisexual " is intrusive since it implies something about my sexual activ ity, which is nobody's business . "Q u eer" suits me fine Often, when I ca ll myself queer , people read that as gay That 's fine ; often I feel gay. I love my gay friends; they are an important part of my life. But queer is what I am; the queer community is my community. It is inclusive, embracing and affirming Slowly but surely, Michael is introducing Mike to his new friends
Writer-musician Mi c hael Greenebaum was an elementary sc hool principal in Amherst, Mass ., for 20 years. He received a Challenge & Change Award from the Men's Res ource Center in 1999
September
October
November
Fathering Through the Storm
'' wat will he say he's thankful for?" I asked myself when my adopted son approached the front of the line at his first grade Thanksgiving pageant. A wave of classmates before him expressed gratitude for God, family, friends, and their Pokemon cards I imagjned Aidan striding forward and thanking me for being there.
I held my breath as Aidan sprang to the microphone and spoke in a loud, firm voice . "My name is Aidan Kelly, and I am thankful for animals that fly." Silence, then a crescendo of approving laughter filled the room as he walked toward me.
Afterward, an elderly woman approached Aidan as we walked back across the parking lot. "Aren't you the boy who was thankful for animals that fly?" she asked, leaning down to meet his eyes . Aidan looked up shyly. "Yes."
"That was a very original answer Unique. Happy Thanksgiving," the woman said, then walked away.
approaching storm
The storm cloud broke in the evening The two of us were playing Monopoly on the living room floor after dinner, buying and selling properties with abandon. After multiple trades, Aidan owned three monopolies, while two belonged to me. Aidan rolled the dice, counted out the spaces, and realized that he had landed on Park Place.
"That will be $1,700, please," I said "Thank you so much for visiting our humble hotel. We hope you come again." I was surprised to hear myself mouth the same cheerful phrases Dad had used with
into extracting the words "I'm sorry" from him. "Don't try to put it on anything else You hit me . You were. wrong. Now just apologize and move on."
His tears flowed as he sped up the ' stairs. "No, I won't!" he screamed . "I hate you and I never want to see you again!" He brushed by his mother, who had heard the commotion, slammed his bedroom door, and turned the lock.
I left the apartment and started speedwalking around the nearby park. I slowed my pace and my a nger subsided Shame spread through me as I replayed the scene in my head over and over again, hoping each time for a different ending .' I felt that special pain reserved for those of us who vow we will treat our kids differently, only to find ourselves acting in exactly the same ways our parents did. My brothers and I had dubbed my father "Time Bomb Eddie" for his hair-trigger temper, which would erupt spontaneously, like a volcano I had sworn many times that I would never yell at my children
"See, I told you it was stupid," Aidan whispered after he determined that the woman was out of earshot. The author and his son
"It wasn't stupid, Aidan. She thought it was a great answer She loved it. I did, too And I love you, buddy boy," I said, giving him a quick tickle in the ribs and taking his hand in mine
"Thanks, Daddy," he answered, looking up at me as I opened the doors and we assumed our seats in my car. I froze, seatbelt in hand Daddy: I'm still not used to that word. As his stepfather, am really his "daddy"? For me, the word conjures up so many conflicting images. My thoughts flash back uneasily to my father's physical and emotional absence during my childhood . To the years I labored in therapy to understand Dad's experience of being sent, at age five, from Germany to England to escape Hitler. Though I wanted desperately to respond to Aidan , I said nothing. We started driving home . A cloud of silence gathered like an
me when I was Aidan's age.
"$1,700?! Why you " Smiling broadly, he reached across the board and slapped me on the back of my head . I knew that he hadn't meant to hurt me, but the blow stung, then pulsed like a fresh bee sting . I wheeled on him. "Aidan, what are you doing?" My voice was rising. "You don't hit people. You just don't do it!" I yelled, jabbing my finger in his face. "Now apologize!"
Tiny ringlets of water sprung up around the edges of his widened eyes. "No. It was your fault. The hotel cost too much. It's not fair," he said, folding his - arms and getting to his feet.
I wanted to calm myself, but his words had the effect of picadors stabbing an angry bull. "Come on, Aidan," I hissed, feeling my whole purpose in life shrink
I opened the door slowly, walked upstairs and found Aidan asleep. His mother had coaxed him to bed by reading to him, then lying down with him until he stopped squirming. We went downstairs and plopped down on the couch. Not looking at each other or speaking about the fight , we inserted the film Kolya into the VCR.
Set in the waning days of Soviet-era Czechoslovakia , the movie revolves around Kolya, a five-year-old Russian boy abandoned by his mother and placed on the doorstep of a middle-aged Czech musician who lives alone. Dressed in a suit, with a runny nose and rivulets of tears streaming down his face, Kolya stares at the floor, unable to utter a word to his reluctant guardian
"That's how old your father was when he left Germany," Aidan 's mother said My chest tightened, and my long-held definition of my father flared up like an inflamed tendon. I started to tell her that she did not understand, that she could not
Aidan Kelly Lowenstein.
know how little I had received from Dad But she spoke the truth I stayed up for a long time afterward, thinking about what she'd said.
The next morning Aidan climbed into our bed and wrapped himself around his mother His blue-green eyes proclaimed, "Mine I got here first. Don 't get any ideas about taking her away." I smiled at him, and said little.
"jeff, do you want to have a Lego war?" he finally asked
"Sure. Let's go ," I replied, steeling myself to accept my 42nd consecutive defeat with equanimity. We walked down to the living room , where Aidan folded his left leg underneath him in his customary crouch, and assembled his fleet of Legos at a dizzying clip.
"Hey, Aidan ."
"What," he answered flatly, not looking up from his ship
I swallowed. "I'm sorry I got mad and yelled at you last night You were wrong to hit me, but I shouldn't have lost my temper. "
"Uh-huh." He kept working.
Fifteen minutes later, he placed his king, an intricate structure with impenetrable laser shields and unimaginable firepower, to one side and approached me
"Daddy," he said, snuggling impossibly close, his wiry arms reaching around my stomach and meeting in the back.
"I love you, bud ."
"Not 'buddy.' Say 'son."'
I felt the freeze again, but also something calm and soothing I paused for a minute, aware of the Rubicon I had already crossed in my heart and was about to name. "I love you, son," I said softly.
"Call me Aidan ." Quietly.
"I love yqu, Aidan "
"No. Call me 'Aidan, my son."' More of a command this time.
"I ·love you, Aidan, my son . "
"No Call me 'my Aidan.'"
I suppressed a giggle. "I love you, my son Aidan." ·
"Actually, just call me Aidan. I love you, too, Daddy. Now get off of me ." He extricated himself from my embrace, and finished creating the king that would single-handedly annihilate my . squad .
jeff Kelly Lowenstein is a freelance writer living in Easthampton, Mass.
losing My Voice
by Patrick Lemmon
Until my senior year in college, I had never lost my voice . Sure, sometimes I got hoarse, and sometimes I didn't feel much like talking (that may be hard for some of you to believe), but somehow my voice was always there when I wanted to say something . That changed in a rather amusing way during my final semester of college. It was during the first few weeks of classes , and I was taking my first women's studies class We had to write a short reflection paper about our voices (I don't really remember the assignment exactly), and I had written what I thought was a good piece, recognizing the power and privilege that I had grown up with in using my voice . We were expected to present what -we had written to the class, but I woke up that morning andfor the first time in my life-! had absolutely no voice
It wasn't just a case of to shout to be heard or it hurting when I talked; no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't even get a decent whisper going. This wasn't completely out of the blue-! had been feeling pretty lousy-but it was certainly unprecedented, not to mention rather poetic, given the paper I was supposed to present.
I'd like to think that my subconscious is more su,btle than this usually, but this case doesn't seem to call for much education to identify the psychological processes going on here I struggled through the presentation, with much laughter and amusement from my classmates, and I was fine again within a few days. At the same time, though, I feel like I learned a valuable lesson I had heard of the idea that men are generally rewarded for and encouraged to participate in class while women are punished for and ignored when trying to speak up-even in classes with feminist teachersbut I had never really imagined that I was · part of that process, despite the fact that I have always been the most outspoken person in any dass I took . I just had a lot to
say, right? I wasn't really preventing others from speaking-in fact, couldn't it be said that I was encouraging them to speak by offering provocative and interesting comments for them to respond to?
Anyway, I noticed during that class that many more people-particularly the womenspoke when I wasn't saying anything, and I also realized that they had a lot of really interesting and even provocative things to say I paid much more attention to how much I talked in that class for the rest of the semester, and it was amazing how often by simply giving myself a second before shooting my hand in the air, I could know that my ideas weren't always all that interesting, and that someone else often-dare I say usually?-had something even more enlightening to offer if I wasn't taking up space I would like to say that I learned to respect silence and to pay more attention to other people's voices through that experience, but this is not a fairy tale . I still struggle to accept the idea that what I have to S11Y may not be the most important thing in the world for everyone to hear. But I a lot of voices that I might not have heard that day, and I know that I would regret it if I played a part in silencing them once again
Patrick Lemmon is co-director of Men Can Stop Rape (MCSR), a Washington , D C. based organization providing trainings and workshops in metropolitan Washington and elsewhere around the U S. For more information contact MCSR at pmcgann@ mencanstoprape orgl; (202) 265-6530; or www mencanstoprape org/.
Meditation: It's Not What You Think
We liv e in a noisy society And it's getting worse. Decibel-l evel studies tell us that, as does our commo n sense. The machinery and technology of the modern world surround us, assa ult our senses, permeate our every waking moment. Our brains seem to be permanently "o nline," connected to a constant flow of external information and sound
Our culture has an aversion to silence Even the remote wilderness . is no longer a safe haven from b ee pers , radios, or cell phone chatter: All this noise has the effect of keeping us from hearing ourselveswha t th e Quak ers call "the still small voice within."
It is challenging to take time for co nscious reflection, especially in a fas t-pac ed , impatient society that en co urages us to do rather than to be, to value our things more than ourselves, to worry about the future while missing the s ignificance of the present. How can we possibly foster a healthy ma le s p irit, if we do not experience quiet, and the opportunity to check in w ith o urselves? Meditation offers such a m e thod to still the mind, and to discover the benefits of regular inner silence.
The concept of meditation is very simple , the techniques of meditation very straig htforward The practice of meditation can be very challenging.
Fundamentally, meditation means focusing our a ttention upon ourselves in a re laxed , nonjudgmental manner Not icing how we truly are in that moment, and a llowing that calm awareness to guide us in our actions Often, it begins with sitting quietly and simply watching one's breath for a few minutes, stilling the mind and the body. In time, we learn to observe the stream of thoughts flowing through our mind. lessening our grasp on unhelpful, habitua l ways of thinking and being more aware in eac h moment, we can better adapt to the consta nt change life brings Meditation is multi-level. It can serve us as a to o l, a process, or a lifestyle. Its benefits can be relaxation , a reduction in
stress symptoms, and an increase in selfawareness ft can help us cope with significant moments in our lives. We also gain the opportunity to learn about ourselves , and to make choices that reflect more of who we truly are.
What can men specifically gain from meditation? First, experiencing restful alertness helps reawaken the intuitive self, which men so often are taught to set aside in deference to logic. Second, it fosters a nurturing relationship to our mind and body, which contradicts the outward daring men so often live . Third, the practice of contemplation helps forge a sense of discipline, a grounding for thos e who are overly confused or restless in their lives
Meditation is particularly male-compatible because it is simple (though not easy); it is a private experience (no risk of public exposure or shame) ; it keeps us in control of ourselves ; it is pragmatic (low cost , portable, no special abilities, etc ); and it requires no competition . In short, meditation provides men with a sanctuary from many sources of suffering, and offers a training ground to explore deep masculinity and humanness .
Cautions are few Some men are uncomfortable at closing their eyes (that's okay, it's not a requirement). Some men fall asleep (an important realization of how fatigued we might be, or how ·burdened we are). Some men turn meditation practice into work (again, it's about being , not doing). Some men become unsettled by the awakening to their inner experience, unaccustomed to noticing the workings of their mind like exercise , however, if we don' t like what we're doing, can't stick with a rou-
tine, or if it doesn 't suit our body or interests , there are many others from which to choose. The best exercise is the one we will do, the one we enjoy, the one that brings / us the benefits we seek. Meditation is the same way. Pick a technique that is right for you. Books provide private and personal guidance that can b e helpful to beginners . Popular authors who write in very accessible ways include Thich Nh a t Hanh, Jon Kabat Zinn , and J ac k Kornfield Cassette and video programs are as close as the public library Classes are available in locations such as a local Y, school , or community center Meditation training · centers exist throughout the Northeast, an d some religious-based meditation may be offered through one's house of worship.
If someone is co nsistently in a more extreme emotional state (very anxious or depressed) or lives with a psychiatric condition, then caution is warranted. Finding a skilled teacher would then be advisable
There's no time like the present to begin . So, take a deep breath and let it out with a sigh Breathe naturally and let your body relax a little . Breathe naturally and notice where your mind is Don 't judge anything . Just smile . In this stillness ask yourself, "In the very next moments of this d ay, what do I really need to do?"
As you try meditation, remember : Be open to new insights. Remain patient and humble as you learn and practice Enjoy the process of s elf-discovery. It is your mind , your thoughts, your life and that is all truly wonderful.
Voice Male h e alth columnist Joe Zaske is an admini s trator in th e social work program at Siena College in New York, and a health consultant bas ed in Albany. Responses to his co lumns are welcome and can be made to zoskej@crisny.org.
Notes from Survivors By Louis Castagno
Healing from Sexual Addiction
The article "Pornography 's Manipulation of Men ," by Anonymous (Voic e Male , Spring 2001), written by a woman whose marriage had ended due to th e addiction of her ex-husband to pornography and other destructive sexu al behaviors , touched m e deeply. Why? Because for 40 years , I was nearly a carbon copy of her husband
The main difference between hi s s exual fantasies and mine is that in mine , I was the willing "victim" of powerful , seductive, sexually dominant women , experiencing pleasure, pain , and humiliation sequentially or simultan eously In order to gratify my addictive cravings , I utilized both "female domination " pornography (photos, stories , etc ) and the services , paid or freely given, of women who offered to act out my fantasies with me While on one hand I have always abhorred violence against women in any form, today I am aware that I supported such violence by using women , in fantasy or in reality, as objects for my sexual desires rather than full-fledged humans with feelings, hopes, dreams, skills, and intelligence . This behavior degraded all of us, whether we were known to each · other or not.
I was also moved by the recent murder of a young male-to - female transgendered man not far from where I live Following years of persecution, harassment, and abuse from other students in school, he was brutally beaten and left to die by another man his age. After the murder, the assailant boasted to male friends that he had "beaten up a fag, " which resulted in his arrest. While the laws of this state do not consider attacks based upon sexual or gender orientation "hate crimes, " it is clear that it was hate and fear that fueled th e killing of this young man.
Although I never kn e w the victim, I feel a strong connection with him , for I have been partially transgendered all my life. As a boy, my failure to conform to the attitudes and behaviors stereotypically considered "masculine " resulted in much bullying from other boys . While I never reached the point of actual surgical gender reassignment, my strong identification
with femininity led me to strongly consider reassignment at one point. Married , with a child and a professional career, I indulged in cross-dressing and, after separation from my wife , lived part-time as a woman Being somewhere near the halfway point on the gender identification scale , I have often felt like adding the category "both " to questionnaires that ask whether I am male or female.
I felt the need to keep both my sexually addictive behavior and my transgendered behavior and identity a secret from all but a few people in my life. This "double life" led to the ending of my first marriage, conflict in the early years of my current marriage , and the loss of a professional position when a photo of myself
cross-dressed fell into the wrong hands
Most of my life was characterized by lying, hiding, fear, shame, lack of control, and hopelessness that things would ever be different I spent hundreds of hours in psychotherapy trying to "change," with few concrete results.
In my early 50s, I began attending meetings of the 12-step program Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. Slowly and painfully, I was able to pull away from the destructive sexual behaviors I had pursued for so many years As the strength of my recovery increased, I found a very special psychotherapist who helped me recove r several repressed memories from my childhood. The most powerful of these was of being sexually abused and assaulted by my mother from early childhood to my teens Once the feelings of rage, devastation, and betrayal that resulted from recapturing these memories began to settle down , I was able to understand how these chlldhood events had
contributed to my dysfunctional sexual behavior.
As the Serenity Prayer says , I am learning to accept what I cannot change, and working up the courage to change what I can . I accept that I am a survivor of incest and have a strong identification with femininity, but I understand now that these do not make me "less of a man, " as many in our culture would have us believe The work I have done in men 's support groups over the past 25 years has contributed greatly to this change in perception
My work has involved helping young men and women understand the often dysfunctional process of gender socialization in our culture , and supporting them in making choices that are right for them rather than based on social pressure. I have been a sexual assault prevention educator in schools and colleges, working with young men to help them perceive women as deserving respect rather than sexual exploitation.
I agree wholeheartedly with "Anonymous" that the sexual objectification of women, whether by the pornography industry, the media , the advertising industry, 6r the minds of individual men and women, severely distorts oui' relationships in this culture Although this mountain is overwhelming in size, each of us must do our part to reduce it, rock by rock.
On an individual level , I alone am responsible for my thoughts and behavior, no matter how surrounded I may be by "stimulation . " Perhaps I will never be 100 percent successful in converting my inner sexual landscape to a place of utter beauty, but I choose each day to replace the destructive behaviors of my past with demonstrations of caring and concern for others as fellow humans . This often difficult struggle has given me much compassion for other other men and women who strive for psychosexual health in an insane culture. God help us all bring internal and external peace to a world that desperately needs it.
Louis Castagno is a writer and educator in Oie fields of violence prevention and gender studies .
The Isolation of Men
co•1tinued from page 13
gro up facilitator, to put forth an essentially positi ve fac;ade to represent my life-a sort of Potemkin village that I can wh itewash and pretend is real, and "the whole story": just don ' t look behind the walls. At such moments , I can even delude myself into t hinking that it's an issue only for "those other guys " wl\o aren't so far along, while I've mov ed past it into w h o l eness.
But then I have to remind myself not just how far I've come, but where I've been I've been isolated-enduring periods when I was without friends and without support. I've been d epressed-experiencing times when no matter what I did I couldn't enjoy it, couldn't he ar the song of life above the hum of negative ch atter going on in my head-and it took a therapist's dia gnos is to make me aware of it, and to start me working on t hat problem.
At times I've depended on women-either my p<lrtner, or othe rs-for social connec tion Sometimes I tried to be friends with women while slipping int o a danger zone made murky by romance . Ironically, I did not feel attractive to or comfortable with women in high school or college; now I find it easier, on th e whole, to interact with women than wi'h men I've been suspicious of men, and avoided or igno red them (as they've also done to me) I've been afraid of men-afraid of the shame we put on each other out of our insecurity, pain, otir loneliness. Even when I've wanted to , I haven 't always known how to connect with other men
I can still get isolated in work, family life, my own th o ughts, fears, and fantasies. I can come up with a million "reasons" why I can't break out of this insular state and go for a bike ride with a friend, make a date with my wife, go play with my kids. As a friend of mine says, often "that's the depression talking " It's hard to find a balance-between work and fun, family and friends, kids and a relationship, men's work and my writing. I need a c ertain amount of solitude, but I yearn for connection , for true intimacy with others. So I keep reaching out, as a facilitator and as a friend, because I know that in this way ot h ers will reach back to me. It's getting better, and I'm thankful for what I've learned and for those who have helped me. But it's never over, never "so lved . " It's an ongoing project. Still isolated at times, I'm no longer an island-or even a peninsu l a-and whatever else may change in my life, I am, as Donne wrote , "involved in mankind," and s triving to stay connected to the mainland
Michael Burke is a freelance writer and editor, and serves as manag ing editor of Voice Male.
The Power of Positive Eating
Bread & Circus
WHOLE FOODS MARKET
MRC PROGRAMS & SERVICES
SUPPORT GROUP PROGRAMS
· Open Men's Group - 7-9 p.m Sunday evenings at the MRC Amherst office, Tuesday evenings 7-9 p m. at 218 State St., Northampton . A facilitated drop-in group for men to talk about their lives and to support each other.
· Men Who Have Experienced Childhood Abuse and NeglectSpecifically for men who have experienced any kind of childhood abuse or neglect. 7-8:30 p m. Friday evenings at the MRC.
· Gay, Bisexual , & Questioning 7-9 p m Monday evenings at the MRC. Discussion group on issues of sexual orientation.
· GBQ Brunch- Last Sunday of the month, Noon- 2 p m. at the MRC.
FATHERING PROGRAMS
A variety of resources are available -Fathers and Family Network monthly workshops, lawyer referrals, parenting guidance, workshops, educational presentations and conferences. Group and individual counseling for new and expectant, separated/divorced, gay, step, adoptive and other fathers/father figures.
YOUTH PROGRAMS
· Radio Active Youth (RAY): Monthly youth radio show on WMUA (91.1 FM); third Monday each month at 5:30p.m. Young Men of Color Leadership Project, Amherst Young Men's Leadership DevelopmenUViolence Prevention, Holyoke & Northampton
MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE (MOVE)
MRC state-certified batterer intervention program serves both voluntary and cour.t-mandated men who have been physically violent or verbally/emotionally abusive. Fee subsidies
· Basic Groups : Groups for self-referred (20 weeks) and court-mandated (40 weeks) men are held in Amherst, Athol, Ware, Springfield, and Greenfield.
· Follow-up : Groups for men who have completed the basic program and want to continue in their recovery are available in Northampton and Amherst.
· Partner Services: Free phone support, resources, referrals and weekly support groups are available for partners of men in the MOVE program.
· Prison Groups: A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire County jail and House of Corrections .
· Community Education and Training: Workshops and training on domestic violence and clinical issues in batterer intervention are available.
· Speakers' Bureau: Formerly abusive men who want to share their experiences with others to help prevent family violence are available to speak at schools and human service programs.
WORKSHOPS AND TRAINING
Available to colleges, schools, human service organizations, and businesses on topics such as "Sex ual Harassment Prevention and Response ," "Strategies and Skills for Educating Men, " "B uilding Men 's Community," and "Challenging Homophobia ," among other topics Specific trainings and consultation available.
PUBLICATIONS
· Voice Male : Published quarterly, the MRC magazine includes articles, essays, reviews and resources, and services related to men and masculinity '
· Children, Lesbians, and Men: Men 's Experiences as Known and Anonymous Sperm Donors, a 60-page manual which answers the questions men have, with first-person accou nts by men and women "w ho h ave been there "
RESOURCE AND REFERRAL SERVICES
Information about events, counselors, groups, loc al, regional and national activities, and support programs for men .
MM:t Resources
Resources lor Gay, Bisexual and Questioning Men (on page 11}
The American Cancer Society (413) 734 -6000 Prostate support groups, patient support groups , nutritional supplements , dressings and supplies , literature, lowcost housing , and transportation
Brattleboro Area AIDS Project (802) 254-4444 ; free , confidential HIV/AIDS services , including support , prevention counseling and volunteer opportunities
Children 's Aid and Family Service (413) 584-5690 Special needs adoption services. Counseling for individuals , families and children , with a play therapy room for working with children. Parent aid program for parents experiencing stress . HIV Testing Hotline (800) 750-2016
Interfaith Community Cot Shelter 582-9505 (days) or 586-6750 (evenings) Overnight shelter for homeless individuals123 Hawley St., Northampton. Doors open at 6 PM
Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) (800) 749-6879 Referrals available for 12-step groups throughout New England
RESOURCES
TRY Resource/Referral Center for Adoption
Issues
Education and support services for adoptees, adoptive parents , professionals , etc Support group meetings first Wednesday and third Sunday of each month. Ann Henry(413) 584-6599.
.ll1lm:I1fl Resources
Men 's Resource Center of Western Massathusetts: www mrc-wma com
National Men's Resource Center
National calendar of events , directory of men 's services and a listing of books for positive change in men's roles and relationships www menstuff org
The Men's Issues Page: www.vix.com/pub/men/index.html
100 Black Men, Inc.: www 1OObm org
Pro-feminist men's groups listing: www.feminist.com/pro.htm
Pro-feminist mailing list: http ://coombs.anu .edu.au/- gorkin /profem.html
At Home Dad: www.parentsplace com/readroom /athomedad
The Fathers Resource Center: www.slowlane com/frc
National Fatherhood Initiative: www.cytc .umn .ed u/Fathernet
The Fatherhood Project: www fatherhoodproject.org
Magazines
Achlles Heel (from Great Britain): www.stejonda demon .co. uk/achilles /issues .html
XY:men, sex politics (from Australia): http ://coombs anu edu au/-gorkin/XY /xyinfro .htm
Ending Men's Violence Real Men: www cs utk edu/- bartley/other/reaiMen html
The Men 's Rape Prevention Project: www .mrpp .org/intro .html
Quitting Pornography, Men Speak Out: www .geocities.com/CapitaiHill/1139 /quitporn .html
Volunteers Needed
AIDS CARE/ Hampshire County (413) 586 -82898 Help make life easier and friendlier for our neighbors affected by HIV or AIDS . Men are especially needed . Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Hampshire County
We are looking for men to be Big Brothers in the Hampshire County area Big Brothers act as mentors and role models to boys who need a caring adult friend To learn more about being a Big Brother, call (413) 253-2591.
Planned Parenthood of Western Massachusetts 413 732-2363 Outreach volunteers wanted to help distribute information about Planned Parenthood 's services , promote safe sex practices, and rally support for pro-choice legislation at various events. Men's Resource Center (413) 253-9887 Distribution , ad sales and mailings for Voice Male , general off ice work , special projects etc Fle xible schedules
Thank You!
Th e Men 's Resource Center is truly a comm u nity organizatio n We h ave grown to wh er e we are now because hund reds of peopl e h ave sh ared our inspiration and co mm itm en t, and co ntr ib ut ed their ti m e, services, and m on ey toward a vision of persona l an d so cia l tra n s formatio n . As our programs an d ser vices con tin u e to grow in size an d sco p e, we see t h a t th e size and scope of our communi ty su p p o rt also expand. We are fill ed wi th d ee p gr ati tude a t th e ou tpo u ring o f supp ort We ho p e th e fo ll owing ac k nowledgmen ts communica te a sen se of b ei n g par t o f a growi n g co m mu nity of sup port . Th ank yo u .
Comput er Supp o r t: Bill Fle m in g
Donate d Sp ace: Ham pshir e Comm u ni ty Action Co m missio n
Gard ening : Craig Stevens
In-Kind Dona ti on s : H en io n Bak ery
Tel ephone Sys t em Supp o rt : J im Levey
As always, we ex tend ou r gra titud e to th e MRC Board o f Di recto rs and Advisory Boa rd for th e ongoing gu idan ce a nd supp ort th ey give to this organiz a ti on and all who are a par t of i t. We are also gr a te ful to our vo lunte ers who supp ort u s in so m an y ways
The Mythic Warrior
Meeting one weekend a month for nine months, beginning in October, 2001, we will enact a modem-day hero's journey, a Men's Sean:h for Masculinity and the Sacred.
Using der}th psychology, ritual. initiatory activities, and group processes, we will cross the threshold of the sacred, developing personal and male rituals to support and guide us through life, creaing self-trust and a healthy mB;SCulinity to heal ourselves, families, and communities . .
Collinsville, CT For further information contact Sparrow Hart: (802)
September 28-30
North Oxford, Massachusetts
Massachusetts Men's Gathering 25 Semi-annual participant-led weekend Workshops, talent show, poetry, drumming Cost: $80-$150 sliding scale, including food & lodging. Information: www.massmensgathering .org; (617) 282-3521, Chris
October 5, 9:00 a m .- 12 noon
Springfield , Massachusetts
Race, Class, Sex-Role Stereotypes, and Sexual Orientation: The Cultural Context Model
First of three Advanced Clinical Trainings by the Training Institute of the Center for Human Development. Purpose: to present the theoretical underpinnings, concepts & practice of the cultural context model of family therapy For human services professionals CEUs available (before mailing your registration, call for their availability for your discipline). Cost: Per training : $35, CEU charge $5; for the series of three : $90, CEU charge $15 At : 332 Birnie Ave Information: (413) 439-2254, Sara Lockard.
October 5-7
Boston, Massachusetts
A Legacy of Struggle, Pride and Commitment Pa' Fuera , Pa' Lante (Out and Forward)
Northeast Regional Latino Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Conference . Purpose: to bring together LGBT Latinos from the Northeast & Puerto Rico to address their issues ( "Noche Cultural, " a night of music, dance, show & poetry on October 6 at Jorge Hernandez Cultural Center) At: UMass Information & Registration: info@pafuerapalante org ; www.pafuerapalante org
October 10-12
St Petersburg, Florida
Also : November 7-9, Washington, DC; & December 5-7 , San Antonio, TX
Working with Young Fathers: Building Skills for Practitioners
Conducted by The National Center for Strategic Nonprofit Planning and Community Leadership (NPCL). For practitioners and program administrators Limited to 25 Information : www.npcl.org; Tel. 888-528-NPCL ; (202) 8226725; Fax (202) 822-5699 ; NPCL 2000 L Street, NW, Suite 815, Washington, DC 20036
October 10-14
Boston, Massachusetts
Also: December 4-9, Santa Fe, New Mexico Gender Reconciliation-Residential Intensive Sponsor: Shavano Institute Introduction to processes for restoring mutual trust and providing authentic intimacy between men and women Cost: $500-$575 plus $65 per day for double accommodations & 3 vegetarian meals Scholarships available. Information: Tel. (720) 890-0336; gende!®shavano.org ; Fax (720) 8900339; www shavano org; Shavano Institute, P.O Box 17904, Boulder, Colorado 80308
October 12-14
Maine (Also on other dates & elsewhere in the U S. & abroad)
New Warrior Training Adventure
Sponsored by The ManKind Project Purpose : for men to examine their selves & lives , deepen self-
CALENDAR .
understandi ng, discover the warrior within (a man of highly focused energy), and change their lives to fulfill their potential . Discussions, games, visualizations , journaling, individual work Cost: $550-650, according to location, including meals & lodging Information: www mkp.org ; Andy Towlen: (617) 256-8999; newengland@mkp org; 49 Carleton St., Newton, MA 02458.
October 18, 9:00 a m.-12 noon
Springfield, Massachusetts
Exploring and Supporting Identity Development in Gay, Lesbian, Bi-Sexual and Transgendered Clients
Second of three Advanced Clinical Trainings by the Training Institute of the Center for Human Development. Purpose: to explore how sexuality and gender issues are relevant to clinical practice. Information: See above, under October 5
October 25-28
New York, New York
Healing The Sexual Victimization of Boys and Men
9th International Conference of the National Organization of Male Sexual Victimization (NOMSV) (The Men's Resource Center is an Affiliate Sponsor.) Workshops, seminars, and presentations For survivors, professionals, women, and others. Safe room for survivors CEUs & scholarships available. Cost: $95-$210; students $50-$180 At: John Jay College of Criminal]ustice, City University of New York; 899 lOth Ave. Information : 800-738-4181; www.malesurvivor.org; nomsv@malesurvivor org; NOMSV. 5505 Connecticut Ave , NW -#103, Washington, DC 20015-2601.
October 26
Northampton , Massachusetts
Cultivating Hope, Harvesting Action
3rd Annual Conference on Rural Poverty & Social Change. Sponsored by Franklin Community Action Corporation At: The Inn at Northampton Information: Tel. (413) 774-2318 x 129 ; www.fcac net; Fax (413) 773-3834; info@fcac.net.
October 27, 9 :00 a.m.-5:00 p.ni.
San Rafael, California
2nd International Conference on Men's Health Presented by MenAlive, American Society on Aging, & others. For health professionals & interested men & women CEUs available. Cost: $125 including lunch & free copy of The journey Home: Healing Men, Healing the Planet by Jed Diamond At: Embassy Suites Hotel , 101 Mcinnis Pkwy, San Rafael, CA 94903; Tel. 1-800-EMBASSY; Fax (415) 499-9268; wWw embassysuites com. Information & Registration: www menalive.com Registration also : Tel. (707) 823-3601, Hari Meyers; MenAlive, do Hari Meyers, P.O . Box 5, Sebastopol, CA 95473
October 29-30
Scottsdale, Arizona
Advanced Gender Certificate Training Program Offered by The Scottsdale National Gender Institute. For professional improvement in designing & implementing gender cultural changes in the workplace. Limited to 25. Information: Tel. (480) 473-0426; Fax (480) 473-0427; info@gendertraining com; www
gendertraining.com; The Scottsdale National Gender Institute, 4611 E. Sands Drive, Phoenix, AZ 85050
October 31-November 2
Scottsdale, Arizona
Closing the Gap, Scaling the Heights: Men and Women Together
8th Annual Conference Gender Diversity Training Conference Speakers from AT&T, Kodak, & other companies. Limited to 200 Information : See above, under October 29-30, but address postal mail to: National Association of Gender Diversity Training at given address
November 1, 9:00 a.m.-12 Noon
Springfield, Massachusetts
Implications for Clinical Work with the Latino Population
Third of three Advanced Clinical Trainings by the Training Institute of the Center for Human Development. Purpose : to cover the role of Latino culture in clinical practice Information: See above, under October 5 .
November 1, 5:30-8 p m.
Northampton, Massachusetts
Sixth Annual MRC Challenge and Change Celebration
Honoring members of our community whose lives and work embody the ideals of the MRC. See article, page 5
November 2-4
Vienna, Austria
1st World Congress on Men's Health
Organized by the University of Vienna Medical School and other international institutions. Lectures, symposia, plenary sessions Topics largely medical, partly psycho-socio-econo -cultural. CME credits available Cost : 250-350 euros + 20% tax; travel, food, lodging extra . Information: www.healthandage.com/htmVmin/wcmh200011in dex htm; Mr R Nedoschill at: Fax 43-1-5128091-80; Tel. 4 3-1- 512-8091-0; medicalconnection@icos.co.at.
November 6
Worcester, Massachusetts
Leading the Way: Peers Preventing Dating Violence and Sexual Assault
Jane Doe Inc. 2001 Youth Conference Purposes: to learn from peer-led prevention models around the state ; provide education and information to service providers; foster collaboration between school staff and agencies providing services to youth For youth and adult service providers At : College of the Holy Cross . Information: (617) 248-0922, ext. 216; TTY (617) 263-2200.
November 7
Boston, Massachusetts
True Heroes of Sport and Hall of Fame Induction 17th Annual Sport in Society Awards Banquet & Induction of Dick Schaap into Hall of Fame Sponsored by the Center for the Study of Sport in Society. Northeastern University At: Fairmont Copley Plaza Hotel. Information : (617) 3739889; www.sportinsociety.org; Center for the Study of Sport in Society, Northeastern University, 360 Huntington Ave , Boston, MA 02115-5000.
Novemb er 8-10
Kissimme e, Florida 11th International Conference on Sexual Assault and Harassment on Campus Organized by Safe Schoo ls Coalition, In c Participating o rganiza ti o n s : American Federation of Teachers, American School Counselor Association, and many others . For all concerned. Cost: $2 95- $33 0 ; students : $110-$145. For airline discounts at e>arly booking , call1 -800 -524-1223 , state yo u ' re travelling to this conference, and give index no. 18181659 At: Hyatt Orlando Hotel , 6375 W. Irlo Bronson Memorial Hwy (For discounted room rates ca ll4 07-396-1234 b efor e Oct. 5). Informati on: Tel. 800-537-4903; Fax 941-7786818 ; ssc@tampabay rr.com; Safe Schools Coalit ion, Inc., 5351 Gu l f Driv e, P.O. Box 1338, Holmes Beac h ; FL 34218-1338; www.ed mtu edu/safe.
November 13-18
Boulder, Co lorado
Gender Reconciliation- Year-Long Training 1st of 4 we e k-lorig modules spread over one year, offered by th e Shavan o Institut e for (1) professionals and others to develop skills of facilitating gender reco nciliation a nd ( 2 ) those solely seeking gender reconciliation Cos t of all 4 modules : $2500-3500 plus a bout $65 per day for multipl e occupancy & m ea ls Sc h o lars hip s availab le. Information : See above, und er October 10-14
Nov emb er 30-December 2
Wallingford, Pennsylva ni a
Changing a Culture: Building BridgesC onnecting Differences
Conference sponsored by the Men 's Inte rnational Peace Exchange (MIPE). Purpose : to create a culture of peace among peopl e(s) of · different faiths , races, classes , genders, generation s, nation a lities , politic al prefe re nces ; an d sexu al orientations Presentations and dis c ussions For a ll conc ern ed Socia l work CEUs may be available. Information : Men 's Int erna ti onal Peace Exchange, P.O. Box 36, Swarthm ore, PA 19081 -0 036
February 22-24, 2002
West Greenwic h , Rhode Island Rh ode Island Men's Gathering
Purpos e: to co nn ec t , le arn and gain support. Participant -led , optiona l workshops and spontaneous indoor, o utdoor, musica l & artistic R&R For men of all ages an d wa lks of life
Cost: $85- $125 sliding scale, including m ea ls and lodging . Partial scholar s hips available . At: forested Environmental Education Center, W. Alton J ones Cam pus , U. of Rhode Island. Informati on: (4 01 ) 231-478 5 , john Blakeslee; www memb ers. tripod .co m/rimensgath ering; SnowR I@juno com; P.O Box 17441, Esm o nd , RI 02917 (No ca ll s after 8 p m. please )
Please send all ca len dar listings for events from December 1, 2001 to March 3 1 , 2002-an d beyond to: Voice Ma le Ca len da r, mposada@crocker com with cc to mrc@valin et.com; or MR C, 236 No Pl easa nt St., Amh ers t , MA 01002; Fax (413) 253-4801. Deadline for Winter issue : Nov. 5
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6th Ch4llenge & Change Celebration
Thursday, November 1, 2001 • 5:30pm- 8:00pm
Inn at Northampton • 1 Atwood Drive, Northampton Exit 18 -
Honoring:
Barry Brooks, Guidance Amherst Regional Middle School
John Kazlauskas, Jr.*' Video Producer, Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual. Transgender issues for students
K.risti Nelson, Executive Director, Women's Fund ofWe!Ytern Massachusetts
David Sharken, Executive Director, Food Bank ofWestern Massachusetts
* Ozzy Klate Memorial Youth Award ..