Voice Male | Spring 1999

Fathers After Divorce a Precious Resource

Among the scor es of calls that come int o t h e Men 's Resource 'Center each we ek , many are from separated or divorced fathers

Thes e men share a primary concernwa nting to stay con n e c te d to their children while experiencing distress over j ust how to do so . In addition to the struggle they may be going through with their former wives or partners, many feel betrayed by the courts and a ng ry a t s o cie ty's nega tive stereotyping of fathers in gene ral. They feel at an extreme disadvantage in establishing postdivorce parenting schedules that maximize the time they spend with their children

Often, there is bitterness and resignation in thei r vo i ces , or fe a r and confusion Some c hoke up wi t h t ears on t he other end of the line While their circumstances may vary widely, they call i n search of an equitable way of staying involved with their sons and daughters . They feel t hey are being thwarted in their efforts to d o so .

Some blame current divorce laws for their plight; some the lawyer representing their former partner; some the mother of their children; and some all three . As justi-. fiable as it may seem , however, blaming others or adopting th e role of victim may produce little more than a short-term feeling of righteousness. It won' t do much to change the circumstances of those men · deeply committed t o attai ning (or maintaining ) a full measure of parental rights. Rather, evidence must be produced to refute popular notions suggesting that after a divorce fathers are uninterested in their children , don't follow through on child support payments, leave the mother of their children (and the children themselves) economically disadvantaged, and recover more quickly from the emotional upheaval caused by the dissolution of the family. Until, or unless , divorced fathers and their allies are willing to contest those widely held contentions, then adversarial , high conflict divorces-where children end up the losersmay well continue to outnumber amicable cooperative divorces . '

Many fathers searching for allies to aid them in their quest for sustaining close connections with their children don't easily locate groups that champion close cooperation and good communication between mother and father after divorce. Instead, what they often find are organizations that,

while well-intentioned in their desire to assist disenfranchised fathers, frequently take an adversarial approach to their children's mothers and their attorneys , the courts, and the popular media. The result? just at the moment when cool heads are called for, too often these vulnerable frustrated, confl)sed fathers find being encouraged to "fight fire with fire ." We can do better; for the sake of our children we have to

Recent studies suggest that many widely held notions about divorced fathers are beginning to be dispelled , but changes in perception won't happen overnight. Some of the findings point the way to unraveling many of the myths , but one key to successful father involvement may lie in championing mothering

The truth is, barring criminal or other aberrant behavior, it is good news for mothers to have involved , engaged fathers sharing parenting responsibilities . Not only does such involvement alleviate some of the stress of primary, single parenting (the lot of many mothers after a divorce), it also provides children with opportunities to deepen their bond with their other parent. And, if he feels enfranchised, valued , such a father is more likely to comply with the terms of a divorce decree

While there are, no doubt, some fathers who will continue to shirk their responsibilities (one need only recall any of the high-profile "deadbeat dad" stories of recent memory) , there are also fathers who feel pushed away, thwarted at every turn, in their desire to build meaningful relationships with their sons and daughters.

Fathers have little to gain from feeling victimized by social institutions that have not yet caught up with contemporary trends in parenting. Better to prod court officials and legislators to look more closely into changing family patterns , to see clearly the role fathers can play and are playing in families before and after divorce In the mean. time, society would be well served to examine more critically the cultural assumptions that too often leave fathers feeling disenfranchised, devalued and isolated from their children. After fathers -are a precious natural resource we need today more than ever.

Administrative Staff

Executive Director - Steven Botkin

Associ ate Director- Rob Okun

Busi ness Manager - Carl Erikson

Office Manager - George Moonlight Davis

Outreach Coordinator - Steven Jacobsen

Development Associate - Tim Van Ness

Men Overcoming Violence

Directors- Rus sell Bradbury-Carlin , Rob Okun

Clinical Supervisor - Steven Botkin

Partner Services Coordinator- Sara Elinoff

Group Leaders - Juan Carlos Arean, Steven Jefferson Steve Trudel

Youth Education

MARS Program - Russell Bradbury-Carlin, Javiera Benavente

Springfield Initiative

Director - Juan Carlos Arean

Voice .Male

Editor - Rob Okun

Senior Editor - Steven Botkin

Managing Editor- Michael Burke

Production - Mark Bergeron

Ad Sales Director - Ste ven Ja cobsen

Copy Editor - Michael Dover

Support Groups

Director - Juan Carlos Arean

Board of Directors

Chair - Michael Dover

Vice-Chair - AI Sax

Clerk/Treasurer - Peter Jessop

Members -Jenny Daniell, Nan cy Girard, Thom Herman , Sean Hutchinson, Yoko Kala , Tom Kovar. Brenda Lopez, She/lie Taggart

Editors' Note

The opinions expressed in this publication do not necessarily represent the opinions of all staff ar board of th e MRC We encourage letters to the editor. articles, and news Address subm issions to: Editor. Voice Male

Membership

The MRCis funded by individual and organizational contributions, and by fees for services Please join us iii our vision of men healing, growing, and ending violen ce. Annual subscription and membership is $25

Send to-MRC, 236 North Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002

Advertising

For rates and deadlines ca ll Steven Jacobsen at 413-253-988 7.

From the Director

By Steven Botkin

Y2K and the Denial of Privilege

Iadmit , I am both scared and excited about the approaching year 2000. I am scared because·a bizarre technical problem, embedded in computer systems throughout the world, has the potential to disrupt some·of the security, stability and comfort of our lives. I am afraid of the potential for increased human suffering , especially among the poor people of this country and those around the world who already live on the edges of security, stability and comfor t. I am especially afraid of the pervasive human tendency for denial , about oppression , violence, environmental destruction, or a failure of technology

As many of us in the men's movement have learned , denial can serve to protect o;nselves from facing the damage our privilege does to o thers. It has become so easy for most of us in .the United States to take for granted an endless, always . available stream of water, electriCity, oil, gasoline , and food , supplied to us by · ever-moving fleets of trucks, boats, trains and planes We find it impossible to imagine life without any of these immediately at our disposal , ever:1 though · these resources are not available to most of the people in the world.

Activists in the environmental movement and the movements for economic justice have been telling us for many years that our system of technological privilege is based on human and environmental exploitation, and is ultimately self-destructive However, for many 9f us this privilege remains largely invisible . We give a passing shake of our heads about the destruction ·of the rain forest global warming , increasing ' pomelessness and starvation . Predicted crises seem continually to recede into the future. We don't 'know what to do and we really don't have to do

As many of us in the men's movement also know, having our denial challenged, being confronted by the reality of our privilege, can be a profoundly threatening experience. We may become very defensive , rationalizing the privileges and minimizir:1g their damaging effects. We may resist feeling the shame , anger and

fear that would come with an understanding of the extent of the violation that has oc curred.

Often it takes an ·immediate crisis to make the foundations o f privilege visible to its beneficiaries-an abused woman leaves her husband, a riot breaks out in a ghetto, foreign economies collapse . The direct experience of personal pain or deprivation can awaken us to the . problem

Here, I believ e , is where the year 2000 computer problem offers us an exciting opportunity. Can the threat to the technol o gically privileged of the world cause us to se e through our denial to the sources of our privilege? Can we get beyond our defensiveness and fear and examine the costs of this privilege?

At the Men's Resource Center over the past 17 years we have learned that male privilege comes at great cost In order to buy the privileges of masculinity we are required to buy a social role that is inherently unstable and self-destructive. And then, we ' re supposed to act as if we are not being damaged Denial , after all , takes two forms : the denial of how we hurt others , and the denial of how we · ourselves are hurting.

The costs of technological privilege to those of us who are its beneficiaries are sometimes difficult 'to recognize Some are familiar, however, to those of us who work in the mens movement: human isolation, emotional repression, spiritual disconnection Our relationship to the natural environment (including our · physical bodi es) is severely constricted, based on control and domination

If preparatio;n for potential disruptions in our technological systems can bring us into more equitable, mutually supportive contacts with our neighborhoods and communities, if they can motivate us to c reate more emotionally sustainable lifestyles , if they cali us to deepen our faith, and if they require that we return to a balanced connection with nature, then let us welcome the challenges of the new millennium with gratitude

-----MAIL BONDING-----

WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU

Write us! Please send typewritten , double-spaced letters to: VOICE MALE , MRC, 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst , MA 01002 or FAX us at (413) 253-4801, E-mail: mrc@valinet.com; include address and phone. Letters may be edited for clarity and length Deadline for the Summer ' 99 issue is May 10.

Great Heart

My brief exposure to your efforts gives me great heart , I think your work is important, powerful , and tr ansformat ive Please accept my donation for any purpose you deem appropriate

Daria Bolton Fisk Greenfield, Mass.

Moving from Inner to Outer Work

I very much enjoyed reading th e latest issue of Voice Male , in which the lead editorial concerned "taking the wor k into the world" ["Can Changing Me n Make Social Change?" Winter 1999) As t he leader of a burgeoning community of men in New England, I [know] that many men doing their "inner work" do not extend themselves into the service of t he greater community.

One of the tenets o f ou r New Warrior trainings is each human being is called to define and pursue his or her unique mission of service . Men ente r our community through being initiated by o the r men ; they then form local groups which support them in their growth and in t he ir missions.

For some of these men and groups , service projects are being launched . For others , there will be continued pursuit of inner growth work , and a necessary period of mtegration to arrive at a b alance po int between personal , family, job and c ommunity demands.

As our community grows and ages , I suspect that many a m an wi ll build a se rvice componen t into hi s life th at is not transient and fleeting , b ut w ill have evolved as an authentic representation of who he is.

This year, New Warrior Training Adventure weekends will be held at Bullard Farm in New Salem , Mass . If any \ reader wishes to explore j oining o ur community, he or she may contact Will Flanders at (413) 259-1955 or send an email inquiry to newengland@mkp.org.

Dictionary Lauded

A very dear friend sent me A Male Survivor's Dictionary by Steven jacobsen. T hank you for having the courage to publish it! It 's been a source of strength to me and I've shared it with my therapist. The wealth of information in it is invaluable. I only w ish the Dictionary had been there lO years ago when I b egan my therapy. It would have made things much easier to explain, not ronly to my therapist , but to my friends and loved ones.

I was a "victim " of sexual abuse Today I'm a "survivor! " My father sexually abused m e from the age of four to 19. My mother t ook out h er rage about my father's behavior by physically abusing me because she was angry at "someone" for what was happening and it was easier to beat a child than a 6 ' 2" , 200-pound man The abuse left me emotionally crippled for many years until I finally had the strength to "recover" m y life I've worked very hard in going from "victim " to "survivor" as the abuse left numerous scars : alcoholism, multiple personality disorder, post-traumatic stress syndrome, self-mutilation, and depression that has led to hospitalized suicide attempts. 1 Definitely not an easy life to recover, but through years of therapy I've managed ,to do it.

Steven Ja co bsen $ Dictionary is a wonderfu l breakthrough. He has eliminated so much that we vic tim/survivors spend years trying to explain to our therapists, friends, family. just give them the Dictionary and they will understand!

Charlie Wolfe via e-mail

Editor's Note: To order a copy please send $5, plus $2 postage to MRC, 236 No Pleasant St., Amherst, MA 01002

A Handle on My Life

wonders for me in helping me get a handle on my life I am nowhere near there but for the firs t time feel as though I have someone on my side to get me there

Without this center I most likely would be floundering around still, and when I am back on my feet financially I am joining up with a donation , so that my part in supporting you will be there. I have recommended both Doug and your center to many of my friends and wish you all well in the future

Peter S. Baumann Miller s Falls , Mas

Integrating Spirit

s

I've read Voice Male for some time (under previous names), but yours ( Sara Elinoff's "What's a Nice Feminist Like Me Doing in a Place Like This?" Winter 1999) is the first article I've ever felt like responding to A great piece, particularly what you say about "power" and "power-over." I admire your guts, sister; it seems to me you've made a really creative, an integrating leap of spirit, holding out hope for a healthy, holistic paradigm for repairing gender relations, if not all social relations Thank you for taking on this challenge, this .important work.

I've been caught up in the "war of the sexes" for a long time , well before it was declared a "war " I came to Massachusetts after attending a men 's conference in New York , 1973 or so , where I met up with some people I'd been with in the Peace Corps, and was subsequently invited to visit them. That exciting first trip up here caused me to sell everything I could, put the remainder in a rental van and m ove here-but not till I had .posted and convened the first meeting of a NOW chapter in the small Virginia town where I was living. I was the only male who showe d up; the second meeting of that g ro up of angry women was not announced to m e, so I made the natural conclusion that I sh ou ld butt out. My feelings were hurt , but I yielded-more or less gra cefully.

Way ne Cobb Ce nte r

Director

The Mankind Project New England r Portland, Me

Thank you all .at the Men 's Resource Center for b e ing there. I walked in off the street and was greeted gracefully by two members o f the staff on a morning of despai r I was allowed to sit down and look through your books of referral and found a therapist that turned out to be the best thing to happen to me in 45 years. His name is Doug Arey and he has done

In Massachusetts, I was drawn to the rrien 's movement in Amherst for awhile , where I began a painful , and still incomplete, discovery or rather retrieval of the continued on page 24

A Man on the MOVE from MARS: Russell Bradbury-Carlin

By Mi-chael Burke

russe ll Bradbury-Carlin s omelmes spells his name for peol e b y explaining that it's r adbur y lik e the sci-fi writer (Ray ), Ca rlin lik e the com edian (George). And it seems oddl y appropriate , b eca u se h e brin gs to his work with the Men's Reso u rce Center an approach tha t is at onc e sci entific , grounded in the th eo r y a nd practice of trea ti ng men who are abusive, and al so l eav ened wit h a se nse of humor. More than that , h e brings a p assion an'd enthusiasm to h is w ork with men and w ith y outh that is infectio u s and inspirational.

Bra dbur y -Carlin actuall y has two positions at the MRC , as co-dir ector of the Men Oyerc oming Violence (MOYE) progr a m , work-

as an edu cation coordinator for the Mentor Advocates for Re s pec t and Safety (MARS) program, w hich wo rks with area youth To both jobs he brings his experience of the worl d , hi s co qtic spirit, and his educatio n and t raining in psychotherap y and battere rs ' tr eatment.

earned ,an M A. in counseling psychol-ogy in 1996 ), he returned to become one of the first facilitators of the open men 's drop-in group "Things at the MRC kind of fell into place for me ," he says. "I was on the board I really wanted to work with young people against violence. That kept me connected ." His work with MOVE (he 's been its since 1997) includes running a we ekly group , conducting individual interviews of men coming into the program , coordinating the eight weekly groups , and making connections with other organizations , \3 as w ell as with govern] ment agencies such as l the District Attorney's office and the Massachusetts D e partment of H ealth And that's just

ing w ith m en w ho Hav e a Ru ssell Bradb w y -Ca rli n prob l em with abu s e , and part of it. The evaluation process for men who may need MOVE can involve talking to partners , exspouses, therapists , the Department of Social Services , and the courts to determine what the issues are and if the MOVE program is appropriate for an individual man The intak e interview for men actually entering the program involves learning a man 's personal histor y-with violence , with drugs and alcohol , and family histo ry

Bradb ur y- Carlin becam e invo lved with the MRC in 1990 when h e w as running t h e Octo b er Wood Company in Thorne 's Mark e tplace in Northampton He had hir ed longtime MRCer juan Car los Ar ean , who told him about the MRC. "I w as re ally starting to look inward ," h e r em embers "It was something I was looking for. I didn 't have any deep m a le frie ndships at the time ." Attend i ng MRC brun ch es and classes "was rea ll y p owerful ," h e found , " one o f the m ajo r turning points in m y life. "

He bega n wo rking with th e MRC in 1992 , b eg innin g as a v olunteer with th e Hig h Sc h oo l Edu ca tion Proj ect (HEP). Aft er l eav in g to a ttend graduate sc hoo l a t Anti oc h New En gl a nd (h e

And what is the reward Bradbury- · Carlin gets from working in MOVE?

"Seeing men 'get it'-seein g that their beh avior has been harmful or destructi v e to someone the y have b een intimate with , " he sa ys " ' G e tting it' me,ans the y start taking responsibility, and that begins the process of change The hardest part is that what we' re trying to do is bring the best out of the men , and at the same time confronting them on the worst. I think both need to happen. "

"It's a long-term process. It's hard to g o from being controlling and abusive co ntin ued on page 6

Connecting with Fathers

Celeb rati ng fatherho od. Co nnecting wi th yo ung chil dren Connec ting with other dad s. These are t he themes that will guid e a new networking opportunity for fathe rs wi th young kids. The goal is to get to know each other, h ave fu n together with our k id s, and talk abo ut those things in our live s that m ak e us su ccessfu l dads and .those things th at crea te stru ggles for us .

Than ks to the Ham pshi re Co u n ty Fa mil y Ne twork whi ch provided 'fu nd ing , and a co ll aborati on betwee n th e REACH Program of Se rviceN ET and Chil dren 's Aid and Family Service, fa th ers in Hamp shire County (d ads from ot her areas we lcom e, to o! ) will h ave an opportunity to gifhe r to ge ther at four or five ev ents thi s spring. So m e of the eve nts wi ll be fo r dads an d th eir kids togeth er and some will be just for th e dads. Mee tings will be at the Ham pshire Regio nal YMCA in No rthampto n where th e kids (and d ads) can play in th e great new climbin g struc ture. There will be othe r fun activi ti es for the kids an d a ch an ce for the d ads to address impo rtant issue s and plan for futur e event s. ·

"Mos t fathers wo uld agree that as we near th e tum of th e cen tu ry, d ad s are still fa ce d with a num ber of day -t o-day stru gg les that tum our focu s away from said Pete Cri safulli , Hamps h ire Count y Fathers' Co n nec ti on Coord inator "As fathers , we are ch all enged to m ake peace between our id eal conce pt of fa therh oo d an d ou r real exp erienc e as fathers so far. So man y of the bes t dads I kn ow are oft en fru strated by wh at they have not been as fa thers so far. Ultim ately, as we connec t with each other, su ppo rt and m entor each other, and become frie nd s with eac h other, we learn to be mentors and teac hers and fri end s to our ch ildre n ."

For more inform atio n ab out th e Hampshire Count y Fat hers Network , call the REACH p rogra m at (4 13) 585-1400.

continued from page 5

Russell Bradbury-Carlin

rotally letting go of all that control. I don't think you shoul d feel sorry for · them , but just to understand that. Tve seen men change I've been blown away by some of them I think our program is unique in that half the men come in on their OWJl (the other half are courtmandated) So the culture of the group tends to be one of change, not resistance "

The MARS program , Bradburyother responsibility at the MRC, is a collaborative venture with tht; Everywoman's Center at Umass Funded by the Department of Public Health to train high school and college males to lead workshops on sexual assault in area middle schools, " the way the program was originally conceived . wasn 't broad enough, " Bradbury-Carlin says "So we made it coeducational. We expdnded it t o i nclude other issuesviolence in general , racism , homophobia We wanted to create a program to foster yo uth empowerment."

In the fall of 1997, 16 v olunteers were trained to run a 10-week program in Amherst and Belchertown middle schoools which was regularly attended

MEN®)WORK

by 30 to 40 students after school. "It was really successful ," Bradbury-Carlin says . "It became a safe place, without adults , where young people could come in and talk about the issues in their lives ." ·

In the program's second year, "A lot of the original volunteers returned, plus we have a whole new batch ." As a demonstration project, however, the funding for MARS runs out in May, and it's uncertain whether or how it will be renewed Right now the MRC is working with the Everywoman's Center to explore the possibilities "It's got great momentum , we 're accepted in both school systems, but the future is unclear."

Bradbury-Carlin's future with the MRC , however, is certain. Whatever happens with MARS , he will stay on with MOVE, and hopes to do more youth work as well . Born in Boston and I raised on the North Shore , he has lived in Northampton since 1987, most recently with his wife , Candace, whom he married in 1997.

"When I left graduate school I didn't know exactly what I wanted to do," he recalls . " Now I can ' t imagine working anyw here else "

The Power of Positive Eating

MRC to Receive Community Service Award

The Mens Resource Center of Western Massachusetts has been selected by the Amherst (Mass.) Area Chamber of Commerce to receive the Millicent H Kauffman Distinguished Service Award for extraordinary to the community. The award will be presented at the Chamber's annual dinner on Friday April 23 , at the University of Massachusetts Campus Center Auditorium. More than three hundred area business people, educators and friends will gather to honor several outstanding members of the community, highlighted by the MRCS award . Each year the presents the Kauffman Award for community service for promoting the educational, civic, . social, commercial, agricultupl, and ec onomic welfare of the people of Amherst and vicinity. "In the past, the award has been given to an individual," said Chamber executive director, john Coull. "This is the first time that the Chamber has elected to present it to an organization ."

Ticktts to the gala are $35 and includes hors d'oeuvres, an elegant dinner, music and entertainment. For reservations call the Chamber office at 253-0700.

Who's Your Candidate for the 1999 Award?

Is there someone you know who personifies the ideals of positive masculinity that we foster here at the MRC? We are beginning the process of selecting the candidates to receive the MRC's 1999 Challenge and Change Award, and we welcome your ideas. We have honored educators , community leaders, activists, and counselors in the past; your candidate could be in any of these occupations or some other calling If you think a man might be appropriate for consideration, contact Michael Dover at the MRC, 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst MA 01002, or call (413) 253-9887, Ext. 16

June Conference Promotes Healthy Men

Thousands of men, and those interested in men's health , are expected to converge on Philadelphia from june 3rd to the 6th for the first National Men's Health & Fitness Conference and Exposition at the Pennsylvania Convention Center. More than 1000 health professionals will be on hand offering seminars and forums on a variety of t opics ranging from the psychosocial influences on wellness, managing disease, improving access and utilization of mens health services, men's life role and managing stress the socialization of boys to men , and initiating and nurturing healthy relationships, among a host of presentations at the three-day expo. Numerous booths and consumer displays will be featured at the weekend For more information about the gathering , call the Center for Men 's Health at (609) 342-2742, or email: alanzillo@aol.com.

Nonviolent Football

In a sport known for hard hitting both on and off the field , the New England Patriots have come up with a peace play: The National Football League team has established a scholarship fund for women and -children who have been victims of violence.

The scholarship program is a part of the Boston-based R.O:S.E. Fund (Regaining One 's Self Esteem) , which supports education and public awareness programs and assists individual women survivors of violence and their children to rebuild their lives and regain their self-esteem. The Patriots' scholarship fund is designed to help break the cycle of domestic violence and give women and children tools, primarily through education , to improve their lives. A particular focus of the fund is assisting children who have been "victims of sexual, physical, or emotional abuse by a caretaker or who have witnessed similar abuse of a caretaker in their home ."

"With former Patriot Dave Meggett the latest in a series of professional athletes accused of domestic violence, it is · fitting that the team has taken the initia-

MEN@)WORK

tive to address an important aspect of the problem," said Steve jefferson, a group leader for the Men Overcoming Violence (MOVE) program at the Mens Resource Center, and a former AllAmerican college basketball player and current men's and women's college basketball official.

To learn more about the scholarship fund , or to receive an application, contact the R.O.S.E. Fund, New England Patriots' Scholarship fund, 186 South Street, 4th Floor, Boston, Mass. 0211; (617) 482-5400.

Male Survivors' and Allies to Rally

The first annual Male Survivors and their Allies Rally, will be Saturday, May 22 on the Amherst (Mass ) Town , not far from the Men's Resource Center offices. The theme for the event is "Creating Safety, Demanding Respect."

"This is believed to be the first public demonstration of support for male survivors of childhood and adolescent trauma and abuse in our region, said Steven jacobsen, MRC's SurVivors' Program Coordinator.

"It's a very necessary and exciting step towards destigmatizing the subject , sharing information with others, and establishing solidarity with female survivors, partners of abused ones, and our various allies and supporters ," said jacobsen . The rally will feature a ribbon campaign for male survivors and their supporters to signify support for the cause of male survivors.

The rally is scheduled from 3- 5 PM and will include speeches, music and refreshments Literature and informational tables, describing a·range of suppmt services for survivors, male and female will be on site

For more information , contact jacobsen at (413) 253-9887, Extl4.

By Michael Burke

A Bridge Bet ween Worlds

The first time I spoke to Sokhen Mao for this story, I exp lained to him what we wanted to do: write profiles of the Men's Resource Center 's two recent "Challenge and Change " Award winners, himself and Gavin Harrison. Typically, Sokhen said nothing abo u t himself in that fi rst con versation. Instead he immediately asked , "How is Gavin? "

Another story I was told also seems representative Driving around Amherst with a colleague, en route to buy food for some of the kids he wo rks with , he spotted the MRC building on N orth Pleasant Street. "See that building' " he suddenly shouted to his passenger, pointing. "They gave me an award ! I couldn 't believe it! "

"He 's very modest, " exp lains Ronnie Booxbaum, liaison for the Khm er Growers of Western Massachus etts , who has worked

with Sokhen on a number of community proj ec ts for th e past seven years . "What counts most in Cambodian cu lture is the family, not the individual. "

Indeed , Sokhen is not only modest , preferring not to speak about himself; h e's also a very hard man to track down Be tween teac hing English as a Second Language at Amherst-Pelham Regional High Schoo l, running after-school programs , working for the Hamps hire Community Action Commission (HCAC), helping with Easthampton 's Cambodian school and New World Theater's youth drama groups in the eve n in gs and on

wee kends , as we ll as performing an alm ost ind esc ribable array of "outreach" activitie s in the local Cambodian community, he can be nearly impossible to catch up with.

"H e's elusive, but he 's everywhere, " says Panick Tangredi , who works as a liaison between New World Theater and

lo cal community groups , such as the Cambodian kids Sokhen helps to organize. "He 's such a unique person He's the lightning rod , he's like the grease in the wh eels. The kids galvanize around him , and even when he's not there , it's like he ha s a presence-he doesn 't even have to say anything ."

"They couldn 't write a job description for him ," says Booxbaum. "I don 't know an ybody in the communi ty who does what h e do es He's a vita l link-he's we ll liked and well accepted in both [Cambodian and Anglo] communities. The elders respect him , Buddhist monks

What is alive, and open, . and active, is good. All that makes for inertia, lifelessness, dreariness, is bad. This is the essence of morality. Books and Resources

D.H. Lawrence for

respect him-usuall y you don't get that respect until you 're an elder yourself."

In his acceptance speech at the MRC awards banquet in December, Sokhen noted that, unlike in Vietnam, in his native Cambodia "the war never ended ." In the early 1980s, when Sokhen was still a teenager, he and his family were living in a refugee camp in Indonesia, the third camp the y had been in since fleeing the killing fields of the Khmer Rouge The first camp , on the Thai-Cambodian border, was horrible- "No one contro ll ed anything It was chaos, no food , nothing "-the second, run by the United Nations inside Thailand, was merely bad. "The Thais were not h app y to have us there ," Sokhen says "Sometimes they beat people up , there were rapes by gangs orchestrated by the Thai so ldi ers. "

In the Indonesian camp, where they spent six months, Sokhen and his family were once again in limbo, waiting to be allowed to immigrate to the United States . They first received spo n sorship to go to Portland, Oregon . While at the camp the y were taught lessons in English and American culture, and at night wou ld watch American movies-Hollywood westerns , Charlie Chap lin , football movies , and films with Christian themes . One night they saw a shoot- 'em-up set in frontier Oregon . "There was a lot of fighting , shooting, and I told my family, 'We 're not going there. "' Having seen more than eno u gh vio lence already in their lifetimes, Sokhen's family immediately applie d to the camp officials and asked to be sent elsewhere Thus did they ultimately end up in th e relatively peaceful precincts of Amherst.

Sokhen and his mother arrived h ere in April1 982, when he was 18. His older brother h ad come the year before, part of the second Cambodia n famil y to come to Amherst. With area churches sponsorin g them, a number of Cambodian families, more than 80 individuals in all, came to sett le in the town from the earl y to the continu ed on page 17

Voice

Sokh en Ma o, his moth e1 ; left, and brother preparing to leave for US

Cover Story By Rob Okun

Gavin Harrison: Tr ansforming Suffering into Hope

"There are tim es wh en I f eel gratitud e for the AIDS viru s. Not oft en, mind yo u, but there are tim es. Th ere have bee n bl essings . I li ve now with an unshakabl e resolv e to inq uire , to care, and to lov e "

Gavin Harrison is a model for men-for all of us One of two recipients of the Men 's Resource Center's "Challenge and Change " Award in 1998 , Gavin lives a life worth examining.

Born in South Africa in 1950 , Gavin was a longtime, active opponent of apartheid in his homeland. He left South Africa in 1974 and lived in Europe and the Middle East before moving to the U S. in 1979 After living and working in Boston and New York, he moved to southern Vermont and then western Gavin Harrision Massachusetts. A former financial consultant, Gavin is a comm i tted student of Buddhism, and is both a student and teacher of Vipassana (insight meditation.) But none of these biographical notes to u ch the melody of the life he h as created over the past 10 years. His own words , and those of a close friend , better capture his essence .

"I first became aware of Gavin in the early eighties, " recalls his friend Kevin McVeigh, volunte er and housing coordinator for AIDS Services of Franklin County, Massachusetts. "We met through Interhelp, an international network of educators , psychologists , and activists working for nuclear disarmament and ecological healing . It was just the right place to meet. "

During that decade Gavin worked with several for-profit businesses and non-profit organizations as a financia l consultant , and divided his time among New England , the Caribbean , and return trips to his parents ' home in Zululand, South Africa.

In july 1989, two weeks aft er arrivin g back in the U.S. from South Afric a, Gavin discovered that he wa s HIVpositive. In the decade sinc e, Gavin ha s used the diagnosis and his indefatigable spirit to confront and embrac e the n ew reality in his life and to more closely learn about himself. As he de sc rib es in his book In the Lap of the Buddha [an excerpt from whi ch is published here (see sid ebar)], shortl y after learning of his diagnosis , Gavin abandoned his financial consult ant 's career and began teaching meditation, something he had been encouraged b y his teachers to do ., In addition to teaching meditation, Gavin ha s a lot to teach people about asking for and ac ce pting help , 0 McVeigh says , particularly men "He is a role model in that wa y for men He deeply values the role of fri endship in his life. He puts a priority on friendships , working to maintain them H e has a wa y of nurturing friendships that makes people feel he is one their closest friends ," McVeigh says

Perhaps his biggest gift to men is his choice to exercise self-care In a male culture that advocates toughing it out , Gavin models treating himself well He allows himself to be pampered and values being surrounded by comfort s. Virtually from first learning of his diagnosis , Gavin has acted as hi s own case manager, something most people with HIV don 't do , says McVeigh, who coordinates services for Gavin through a network of friends and supporters . Conducting research , locating information , networking, coordinating h ealth providers, finding and utilizing complementary therapies from both Western and alternative medicine are som e of what 's required in managing hi s cas e "It 's extraordinary that he 's able to do that, " says McVeigh. In addition , Gavin continu ed on page 12

Face to Face with Mo rt ality

By Gavin Harrison

In May of 1989, I returned to my parents ' home in Zululand, South Africa. I was sitting with my mother in the living room wh en my father cried out from the bedroom We rushed in and found him in the throes of a massive heart attack After calling the doctor, my mother and I knelt down beside him , held him in our arms, and whispered words of encouragement, love, and letting go in his ears. He was clearly in enormous pain. We felt a great sadness. There was also great presence in those moments as we held him.

I watched each o( my fathers breaths more closely than any breaths of my own that I had ever watched. Recalling that moment, I am reminded of the words of Nagarjuna, a great second-century Buddhist philosopher: "Life is so fragi le, more so than a bubble blown to and fro by the wind. How truly astonishing are those who think tha t after breathing out, they will surely breathe in, or that they will awaken after a night's sleep ."

My father died in our arms. When the doctor arrived, I arranged for us to be with the body for a long while before it was removed from the house. We washed him and combed his hair, put fresh pajamas on him , and changed the sheets. We lit candles. For many hours we sat and held him, meditated, and prayed. We kidded him , too, and said all the things we wished we had said while he was still alive. As his hands turned slowly co ld in ours, I rea lized that this was one of the most sacred and special times of my life.

It was two weeks after I returned to the United States that I found out that I too was HIV-positive. In the moment of my diagnosis, I took my place in the communi ty of 50 or so·of my friends who have b een affected by the AIDS virus, some of whom are still alive, many of whom have died. What I had feared so much was now a part of my life. I sudden ly found myself in that fragility and unknowing that the Buddha had spoken of so

Adolescent Boys: On the Road to Manhood

Michael Gurian$ new book , A Fine Young Man, carries into the difficult adoles cent years the very special understanding and affinity for young men he introduced in The Wonder of Boys. He convinces us that boys are not 'j ust boys," but highly stressed human beings who need infinitely more help to mature than we give them.

Emotionally and developmentally very fragile , adolescent boys ,require enormous assistance, particularly male assistance, to find and absorb attitudes and behaviOrs that will be good for them and their co mmuniti es Our society ra rely provides this assistance to any degree , usually letting them go with a "boys will be boys " shrug Boys pay a terrible price for this treatment, and often tum on their families and communities as a result.

More recently both men and women have assumed that a female model of development is the "right " one. When an adolescent boy fails to follow this expected pattern , he becomes a "bad boy" or "unmanageable " and is punished or pushed away Gurian fervently disagrees with this assumption, pointing out biolog-· ical differences in boys and men that suggest it is important to understand a uniquely male mo del of development.

The two primary differences are in the male hormone ·testosterone and in the structure of the male brain. Testosterone surges through an adolescent boy (and man) five or more times per day and at a level several times that in the female These surges propel boys into reactions and mind-sets that make "orderly" behavioral, emotional , and attitudinal development difficult and sometimes risky. The male brain is structured differently from the female brain , particularly in ways that affect emotional and interrelationship development, and these effects show up most strongly during the adolescent years. Gurian carefully identifies three stages of the ado lescent development process : transformation (ages 9-13) , self-determination (14-17), and consolidation (18 -21 ). Each of these has its special needs and pitfalls. For each stage, the author suggests how to help the young man and h ow to acknowledge the passage of the stage Two significant dangers lurk everywhere in this process : that the young man will (by choice or necessity) rely on himself alone or on his peers for help in negotiatin g his path to manhood, and that the virtual reality of the electronic media will engulf him .

Although Gurians subject is adolescent boys , much of what he says applies also to adult men In particular, his discussion of male biology provides some strong foundations on which to build an answer to the popular current question , "What does it mean to be a man?" Near the end of the book he also lays out some specific elements of an answer. First, he gives his Core of Manhood: co mpassion , honor,

responsibility, .and enterprise . Then, he presents the Ten Integrities , which, although containing sound observations and expectations regarding male maturity, verge on the ideal and even the pretentious

As useful and wise as Gurian's ideas and observations are, his presentation of them finally strains the reader. So certain is Gurian of what he is saying that he leaves few gray areas, and the reader begins to look for cracks in his theories and reality challenges for his conclusions . Also, he focuses his attention almost totally on the "classic" adolescent in terms of testosterone and brain structure . Several times he acknowledges the existence of variations in both of these and admits that a particular boy might biologically lie elsewhere on the spectrum, but he rarely talks about the needs ofthese boys (who are no doubt numerous) and how his observations and suggestions should be altered to help them These difficulties leave the reader wondering how to translate the messages of the book to his or her particular son, nephew, or grandson . Regardless of these problems , this is a must-read for anyone who is a part of a male adolescents experience, whether as parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher, mentor, sibling , or a boy himself. Women raising boys alone should find this an invaluable aid in retaining their hope, sanity, and patience . Male adolescence is a trying time for everybody, the boy in ticular, but Gurian shows us that it is utterly normal, natural, and absolutely necessary passage

Carl Erikson is an artist, writer, and the MRC business manager:

Me and Joe Black: A Memoir

The story "Me and joe Black " is part of a memoir-in-progress by MRC office manager George Moonlight Davis. In this installment, Moonlight offers a slice of his life as a 16-year old growing up in the ea rly sixties in Philadelphia.

Joe Black was a tall, lean, clean , sometimes mean brown-skinned man , one of the first pimps I had any real knowledge of. It was 1962 and I had just started visiting West Philadelphia a little more in the daytime (it was safer then) , but I had lived in North Philly all of my life Which meant I walked, talked , ate, slept, and thought like a Nort!l Philly hood I had just turned 16 . There was a gay bar on 52nd street, the "Flamingo ," that would let me come in if I came alone. It was on the strip where I first met joe Bla ck. The strip had 10 or 12 bars, Chinese restaurants everywhere, a furniture store or two, a variety of newsstands and candy. stores and some churches. It was a major transportation stop, where the Eland all the connecting bus routes came together, useful for those of us who didn't have cars.

joe would hang out on the strip pushing numbers , drugs, women, and information if he had any If you'd heard him rap, though, you would never believe he could do such a thing For most people like joe , it was safer for them if no one knew where they lived. In fact, it was one of the things most known about joe Black. If he wasn 't on the corner, in one of the bars on the strip, he could not be found. He spent most of his time in the Flamingo ; thats where the action was. joe also liked cars, and drove a big shiny red Cadillac with leather everything inside , and whitewall tires. Women on the block - street walkers- always wanted to ride in·his car (if they didn 't know better). I never saw him with any one woman for more than a night. No, not for more than a few hours at a time

There was lots of talk and jokes about people like joe living out of their cars, although nobody would ever say this to joe 's fac e for fear of losing their life. Most Vo ice Male

of the women who rode in his car, and gave it up, were doing real good if he took them to a motel. He was known for using the back of his car. The thing that made me wonder ab out joe the most was no matter where 'he was staying, how could he hid e that big shiny red Caddy he was so proud of? Where in the world could he put it? Sight unseen?

One hot and muggy summer night I went to see a fin e yo ung lady named Nina in West Philly, near 39th and Fairmount Ave. We had met on 52nd Street , when she caught m y eye walking with some of her gi rlfri ends I asked if I could come b y and see her some time I left North Philly about 8:30 , with some da ylight left , trying not to look like a North Philadelphia hoodlum. I wore a pair of brown b ell-bottom pants , and a gold shirt with a wide , flar e co llar, disco style. I had m y Sund ay shoes on , and I looked real clean!

As I jump ed off the trolley at 37th and Girard Ave , I cou ld feel that ever-familiar sensation in m y body. It told m e l was about to get in some serious tro ubl e. Like I had just done something that would ge t my butt beat all over the place if I got caught. This was alwa ys the way I got in trouble , chasing some girl in the wrong part of town. On ni ghts like this the city didn't go to sleep until late , so that meant that the corners would be fill ed with the lo cal gangs. I knew most of the back

alleys in this West Philly neighborhood, so I was within a block of my destination when I ran up on some boys qrinking wine in an all ey at 38th and Poplar St. I almost ran them over, I was going so fast. There was no time to think, just run as fast as I could. To o dark in the alley to go any fa s ter, tr as hcan s and broken bottles, and dead anima ls, I broke for the street. It was then that I realized I had worn the wrong shoes. I wished I had worn my sneakers . .

I came out of the alley at 38t):l and Fairmount , but co uld not risk going to Ninas house because the y were to o close and gaining on me fast. I knew if I stayed on Fairmount Ave. I would draw unwanted attention from other gangs in the 'ho od. Gangs like 39 th and Poplar, 40th an d Fairmont, and any of the "wanna be 's" out that ni ght.

As I crossed 38th Street I started looking for two things-a moving bus , or a place to hid e. There is never a bus wh en you need one. The street was semi-da rk , and ve ry quiet excep t for the slapping of fe et behind me on the pavement, an d words like; "Get that #@$% %&:*@#* ", or. "Who the %$ #*&is he anyhow7 " That qu es tion wo uld not be answered tonight if I could help it.

Across Lancaster Avenue and up 40th Street seeme d to be the best route to take. I just didn't want to run into any more gangs hanging out on the co rner. ·And it seemed like these boys had run out of steam , and I was putting some dis tance b etween us But I knew I wasn 't out of the woods ye t , as we wo uld sa y downtown. I knew from past expe rience that the y cou ld be waiting a t the next corner in a car. So I ducked into another alley, and found that it had two ways out so I could change direction I came of the alley on Lancaster Avenue and 41st Street. Looking around, I saw no one in sight. My h eart was pumping like it was going to jump out of m y body If someone had said "boo " right then, I think I would have di ed right there.

continued on page 18

continued from page 9

Gavin Harrison

mont hly and provides for a variety of Gavin's needs

At the MRC's awards banquet when Gavin spoke after receiving his award , he said he was accepting it on behalf of his revered meditation teacher, Joseph Goldstein, and his father The same father who abused him when he was a boy. Despite the fact that his father has b een dead for nearly lO yea;s, Gavin had the audience envisioning a quiet man stqnding at the back of the roo m watching his son being honored. His ability to forgive and make peace with his abuser is a testament to Gavin's meditation pra ctice and t o his character. He's come fu ll circle with his fat her, with his healing, with his reconciliation .

"In times of co nfusion , struggle , chaos , physical pain , and diffic u lt emotion , I try to remember to give this pain a l ove and respect I did not r eceive long ago .. . " Gavin writes in his book. "Difficulty and c h allen ge are t he compost out of which healing can grow and flower ." If that is so , then Gavin Harrison is a radiant sunflower, 10 feet tall , head raised toward the sun

Turning the (Changing) Tables

Sometime this year, men with babies may finally be able to drive the Merritt Parkway through Connecticut and New York.

I know, the signs only mention that trucks and commercial vehicles are banned. The rest stops , however, have always tol d a different story. And facilities speak louder than words.

In the three and a half years since the bmh of my daughter, Rebecca , on our more- than -monthly t rips to New York, my most enduring memory is of changing her dia pers in the back seat of the car The door is ope n, of course, and I'm standing in the parking lot. Spring , summer , fall , or winter, it always seems to be about twenty degrees 'out, and its usually hailing. She is unclothed, from the waist doWn, on a makeshift changing pad, squirming and uncomfortable . My fingers are numb with cold and, naturally, I' m fuming. A few feet away, inside the rest ·stop, there's a changing table. But it is in the women$ bathroom and I'v:e never been either radical enough or brave enough to u se it

We can't quite decide what we want men to do , can we ? We want them more involved with childreR , yet we're some- . times suspicious when they comply. And we're missing a lo t of infrastructure, from changing tables to language

The men t hat I know who are active fathers are not caring for their children ou t of ideologic al commitment. Yes, the pers onal is p olitical. But its personal first. Many of them , now past thirty-five, are · begmmng to look back with regret on the relatwns hips they had with their own

fathers, the business and working men of the 1960s and 1970s, who were breadwinners first and caretakers second, if at all. ·

"I don't want to wake up one day and discover that my kid is 28, and doesn't know me" is the way a lot of them put it.

While we work to redefine our roles , we haven't quite figured out how to adjust the language around parenting: to mother is to care for, to father: still means basically to inseminate, to parent has more the flavor of science than of nurture And what we call things matters. Ask my daughter: she says she won't be a fireman

"Women will never be fully equal outside the home until men are fully equal inside the home. "- Gloria Steinem

but might be a firewoman. As for firefighter, apparently, this sounds too violent for her; she says she'd rather just sit by the fire and watch it .

For my own part, I'm getting tired of being called a mother. Though this is rarely said with malicious intent-people are generally trying to be supportive and humorous-it very quickly became grating Most important, it isn't accurate. And the subtext , that a caring parent could only be described as mother, is offensive

It is easy to ridicule these kinds of complaints, I know. In the hierarchy of families, and in the larger society, we

restaurant

don't generally think of men as being oppressed. But this isn't really a mens issue, at base. It is, first and .foremost, a children$ issue. Our kids are in trouble, nationwide. It's a mistake not to fully utilize and encourage the nurturing potential of half of our population This is also fundamentally a women$ issue. As Gloria Steinem has put it, "Women will never be fully equal outside the home until men are fully equal inside the home ."

The legal machinery of equality, in this area as in others, only works when you kick it. Hard And often. Civil rights law in New York, Connecticut, and Massachusetts bans discrimination in public lacilities based on gender The fun part is getting the law enforced

For the changing tables which are to be installed in the mens rooms, up and down Route 15, you can thank Deborah Ellis, a professor of law at NYU, former legal director for NOW, whose husband, also a lawyer, sued the Lord &: Taylor department store, a few years back, over exactly the same issue. And won.

You can thank my daughter, as well, a campaigner. Even now that . shes toilet trained, almost any time I take her into a public bathroom, her first question is "Are you going to make them put a changing table in here, too?''

The answer is yes.

Donald Unger is a graduate student in English at the University of Massachusetts and lives in Worcester. This column was broadcast as a commentary on public radio station WFCR.

Men's Health and Wellness:

Fifty ·Health Ideas for Men

For the past five and a half years I have been speaking, teaching, and writing on issues of mens physical health and wellness . While some real achievements have occurred dunng this time , I've also experienced cons1derable personal isolation and ongoing struggle Yet, I continue-as many of us do in our chosen aspect of men's work-fueled by equal amounts of passwn and frustration. ' '

Unfortunately, a cultural disconnect contmues . While t here 's a lot of talk about men and our attitudes and behaviors, theres a lingering inattention and lessthan-caring about t he well-being of our bodies and health While society does not hesitate to criticize us , it has a blind spot when it comes to our early deaths and the physical pain and inju ry we endure throughou t our lives. It is in this realm that I have chosen to apply my concern for men, where I desire to help create change ·

When I propose do ing a presentation on men's health at a professional health care conference , its still not uncommon for me to hear an initial "Huh? " When I ask organizations about their public health plans for this years Sixth Annual National Mens Health Week , they most often say, "What's that?" And when I approached publishers about my mens health book idea, I was usually told , "Hmm , well , we could help you make it , but we don't want a contract with you because we wouldn't know how to successfully market it." Well I went ahead anyway, choosing to self-publish . After learning as much about making a book as • about writing a book in December of last year, I published Men's Health & Wellness : 50 Health Promotion Ideas for Educators, Practitioners & Planners

Knowing that my intended professional audience cares about men, but are not very gender-sensitive to our needs, I try in the book to give them practical ideas to · awaken their gender awareness. At times, this is remarkably easy: For example , I once turned around an unsuccessful health education program at a manufacturing plant, merely by having the occu-

pational health nurse place her health education pamphlets in racks in men's room stalls! Other times, its more challenging, as when I urge professionals to "Remember the historical tragedies of men as medical guinea pigs. " Knowing the memory of involuntary injury, disease, and death brought by medical and military authorities during such experiments as the 40-year Tuskegee syphilis study and atomic bomb testing helps us grasp the depth of mistrust some men have of medical care. '"

Still other times, humor is a doorway into awareness. Dave Barry writes, "Guys will generally not seek medical treatment. .. ex<;ept in clear-cut situations, such as decapitation. And even then, guys are not going to be 100% certain. 'Let's put his head back on with duct tape and see if he can play a couple more innings' is the prevailing attitude." Often, humor will get a realization across about the power of male psychology without my having to preach it.

Throughout the book, I try to capture the spectrum of male concerns in many quotes and citations, as when a 16-yearold boy poignantly writes, "If I ever have to ask someone for help, it really makes me feel like less of a man. I don'rlike asking for help at all . You know, even if I could use some, I'll usually not ask just because I can't. I just hate asking "

Male bodies come in many varieties, as do our identities. Whether teens, fathers, gays, men of color, elders, athletes, unemployed, caregivers, or soldiers seeking medical care, each has unique male concerns that require specific assessment and treatment. Gendered understanding of disease and health-seeking behavior is crucial. "Gender is one of the central identities that make people listen to · health advice It also makes people ignore such advice," says researcher Leslie Reagan . Our practitioners need to know that.

Politics must also not be avoided. Its important that professionals "anticipate organizational resistance" ·to new male health services, and "c hallenge gender bias in medical research and media health reporting " After all, "The interplay

between health , self, body and is linked to the creation and re-creation of a sense of healthiness in the body politic o f society," according to social scientist Robin Saltonstall

And, to avoid the myopic trap that "Guys will generally not seek medical treatment... except in clear-cut situations, such as decapitation. "

-Dave Barry

prostate cancer is the core health concern of men, I stress "Start young: healthier babies make healthier boys, make healthier men." So, by developing cooperative game options, contradicting "tough guy " images, and raising boys' medical literacy by teaching them male anatomy and physiology, the next generation can become smarter about how they treat their bodies.

There is a solid beginning of positive change taking place in both public and professional circles. Research money for prostate cancer has significantly increased, while more and more studies and articles are found regarding men's health However, a large gap between scholarship and practice remains, and the barriers are weakening only incrementally: I hope that my contributions help bridge this gap, bring the mens movement, men's studies, and mens health closer together, and aid our collective physical well-being. As Aaron Kipnis writes in Knights Without Armor, "Men are beautiful. Masculinity is life-affirming and life-supporting .. . .The male body needs and deserves to be nurtured and protected."

Male action, scholarship, and wellness are all parts of the journey toward wholeness. I'm proud to be a part of the process, and grateful to share a piece of my story: Peace and health.

joe Zoske is Voice Male health columnist. To order a copy of Men's Health and Wellness, send a check or money order for $12. 95 plus $3 postage to joe PO Box 8852, Academy Station , Albany, N Y 12208 .

By Oscar Daryl

Can Mind Control Matter?

B'raining the Body Into Healing

If ever the lid gets off my head

And lets the brain away

The fellow will go where he belonged Without a hint from me -Emily Dickinson

Wile the physical and physological effects of abuse

n male survivors are genrally acknowledged as they journey back to health, the relationship between a survivors physical and mental states has rarely been adequately explored Despite most survivors having dissociative responses and out-of-body experiences , how those physical and mental states are reached is poorly understood (if at all) These enormously powerful and potentially useful tools are described in the most allusive of terms, ranging from "That was a way you learned to protect yourself ' to "Its a type of and even "I ts a very spiritual response ." Which is fine for starters , but neither nuts and bolts information nor much insight to the survivor

Why we survivors experience the phenomena we do is a relatively easy question to answer; how we do it is quite another subject. The various dissociative skills which all survivors possess , and which reach a crescendo with survivors who have Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) , suggest strongly that all people have the potential to tap into an impressively fluidic and useful co-dynamic between the physical and the mental. Th is phenomena represents an ancient fascination of humanity : can mind control matter? Most people hope the answer is yes , but such an answer only tantalizes us - if it is possible for me to do this, how do I learn how to do it? .

This question has long been pursued and often answered within spiritual and religious contexts . In contrast, as a man with MPD I'd like to provide some firsthand information on how a multiple brain can not only create an assortment of "multiple bodies ," each with a distinctive reality, but also how a healed multiple brain can consciously utilize those same abilities within a whole, fully

singular body

The phrase "multiple bodies " may sound delusional , if you are neither MPD yourself or well acquainted with multiples But the facts are simple and have been well- documented for 50 years. The scientific community does not use the phrase "multiple body ;" they understand and describe it as a symptom of MPD, as an extreme mental illness Multiple Body means that there are both observable and measurable physical and physiological distinctions between a multiples alters, some quite subtle, others profound . These range from the most common manifestations - alters within any multiple system of consciousness tend to look and sound different from one another (and behave quite differently among themselves) - to the gross and severe (as in Christine Sizemores case - the famous Three Faces Of Eve) Eve Whites body was allergic to nylon and could not wear hosiery without breaking out in a rash Eve Black, on the other hand , delighted in wearing nylons and experienced no ill effects. Other multiples exhibit even more remarkable biologic divergences; one alter may be diabetic , while the other members are healthy. Even though the diabetic alter requires insulin , the other alters never experience any significant ill-effects from the medicine . For a non-diabetic to use insulin is a very dangerous idea, as any doctor would attest . It is also known that multiples generate very different responses to EKGs and other neurological tracings , depending on which alter is present. In short, when the multiple mind switches, the physical brain changes

This subject became important to me a year ago when I had a painful abscessed tooth Because I was unable to see a dentist, I lay in bed unable to sleep, the pain unrelenting I knew I could end the pain by "numbing out ," but I did not wish to put off feelings so soon after I'd been able to reclaim them I remembered my first therapist, then struggling with breast cancer, had told me she was arming herself with every available approach to fight her disease , including visualizations.. She

explained that she imagined firing "magic bullets" at the cancerous cells.

Being adept at trancing and hypnagopgic skills by diagnosis, I decided to "attack" the hurtful abscess with my own magic bullets , and visualized a whole bat:tery of silver-slielled missiles bombarding the infection It didn't work at all. Then it struck me - dentists don't use bullets so what good are bullets against infections? Instead, I tried to recall what I knew about infections, inflammations and teeth. I determined I needed to accomplish two things : shrink the inflammation and dry the infection. I directed images and sensations of heat into the tooth and gums to "evaporate" the liquid infection , and restore my tooth and gum tissue to their proper states .

Within less than an hour the pain in my tooth stopped , the swelling in my gums vanished. I felt fine . Further, I was able to sustain that condition for two weeks until I finally saw a dentist. There were minor re-swellings and incidents of pain , but I was able to effectively deal with each episode During one of the brief flare-ups, I decided I'd take my temperature before and after my internal "heat treatment." I was amazed ; my temperature was a full four degrees higher after I'd "treated" the tooth than it was before! I was startled at my success but felt skeptical. It was much easier for me to dismiss my hoodoo-voodoo goofings as coincidence rather than reality. Nevertheless , the truth of my experience has since been confirmed to me repeatedly. The niost dTIJ,matic example .involved not just internal visualization, but also out-of-body work.

For close to 30 years I've had a grapesized, benign cyst on my backside It has generally not given me much difficulty, but every four or five years it becomes inflamed and painful, and partially paralyzes my left leg during the worst part of a flare-up Doctors have either lanced the cyst or aspirated it , which always brought relief but did not prevent a recurrence . When I simply lanced the engorged cyst myself in the past--hey, everybodys on a continued on page 19

Face to Face with Mortality

often.

Of course, l wou ld not ch oose to h ave the AIDS virus , but it is now a given in m y life l' ve certa in ly lea rn ed lessons th at l b elieve l wou ld never have learned otherwise The first da ys after the diagnosis were a surprise: l felt a sense of excite m ent , anticipa tion, and joy. The fee lin g was strong and quit e bewildering. I now realize that it h ad to do with the relief of knowing the truth , after having be en fearful for so long. It also had to do wi th my h ea rt protect in g itself from the enormi ty of the information that l had received But most of the fee ling had to do with a deep knowing that there were goin g to be some big changes in my life. l knew th at l cou ld no longer postpone the things th at for so long l had most wanted to do.

The first thi ng l did was end my career as a financial consultant. Also, many relationships that were serving n either m e nor the other person began to fa ll away. There seemed to be much greater honesty in my dealings with people. Ways of bei n g in the world that were p e tty, unn ecessary, or hurtful began to fall away.

The most wo nd erful decisio n l m ade during this time was to begin teach ing meditation and sharing the Dharma. My teachers had been encouraging me to do this. l h ad felt unprepa re d and co n se qu ently had not fo ll owed their advic e. Now, doing this work brings great jo y and the d eepest sense of fulfillment l have eve r known. I am able to reach out to others and to life when l might be temp ted to withdraw instead.

Unfortuna tely, th e honeymoo n didn 't last long. The n ex t months were a nightmare of blood tests and m edical examin ations. The stream of specialis ts and alt erna-

tive-health-care peop le with whom l b egan working seeme d endless and exhaus ting.

In the fall o f 1989 I d ecide d to si t a three-month silen t meditation retreat at the Insight Meditation Soc iety in Barre, Massachusetts. This time felt like a rite of passage int o a future that of course l knew nothing about. When l b egan the retreat , it seemed as th o u gh a volcano erupted wi thin me. Hu ge fear , terror, and rage m ove d within me, grea ter th an an y l'd felt before.

Early one morning I was standing und er a tree. The leaves were very beautiful in their fall co lors. As the sun came up and touched the top of the tree , a multitude of leaves dropp ed down upon me Some thin g within m e b roke and I b egan crying I cried and crie d an d crie d Initially it was for my fa ther. Then l wept for my own lot. This was a terrible grievin g for what I felt was the loss of my fut).lre. I felt alm ost b etrayed Then it cha nged into a d eep sa dness. Th ere was no part of m e that assumed I would be around even to see the n ext lea f fall from the branches ab ove my h ead an d lan d on the ground a t my fee t. Everything app eare d fragile and unce rtain.

There were tim es when I felt the d eepes t gratitud e for the fact that I really knew I was going to di e one d ay. I sa t in the ba ck of the meditation h all and looked at the h eads of all the people si tt in g in front o f me l wondered how many of them were go ing to die before me without being sh aken and woken up as 1 had been.

Around Thanksgivin g, when the snow came , my mind started to quiet down I began to exp erience a p eace and a ca lm in the meditation practice that 1 h ad n ever known before.

This was a tim e of great apprecia tion and gra titud e. I felt d eep re verence for every breath , for every mom ent , for life itself. I felt aglow with this radiance , and

very protected . Not p r otecte d from dying, because I knew tha t I wo uld die sorn,e day, but protect ed by the understanding that 1 was not a vict im of this disease.

"Letting go" had always been an easy phras e for me to say, yet this h as b een the hardest lesson of al l. The phrase wi ll never ro ll off my tongue as eas ily as it used to . Letting go of the idea of future, of good health , and of physica l ability has been difficult for me . Some days it feels as if everything 1 experience is a reflection o f what is no longer possible in my life. ln the fire of thi s teachin g, I realize that out of comp assio n and love for m yse lf, l must die to the way things used to be -to Gavin the athlete , Gavin the tennis player, and Gavin the skier. 1 have let go of the way thin gs were, so th at th ese memories are n o longer a yardstick against which l measure the present moment.

This fee ls like the ultimate act of inner compassion And thi s is th e cha llenge for all of us as we get older, as ill h ea lth comes our way or we experience o th er losses, such as deaths of close one s or even just changes in our acc u sto m ed way of life. Dying to our history and to the way things used to b e wo uld see m to b e the biggest challenge and the grea tes t gift o f all

Excerpted from In the Lap of the Buddha by Gavin Hamson (Bosto n: Shambhala Publi cations, In c., 1994). Copyright © 1994

The Black Sheep

continued from page 8

Bridge Between Worlds

mid-1980s. Sokhen acknowledges that, although they still send money back to their homeland to support family members, buy medicines , and rebuild Buddhist temples-known as warsdestroyed by war, most Cambodians living here will not return, fearing political instability, economic hardship, and renewed threats of violence. His own father and another brother died at the hands of the Khmer Rouge.

"I wish to go back really bad, " he admits. "But theres nothing left for me in Cambodia. Everything has been taken , but I wish to see whats going on. People continue to be suffering . Theres too many clans and groups of people who want power A pocketful of people try to control the land . It became very dangerous , a place of senseless death. It's hard to farm, the government doesn 't support anything , and there 's no way of helping the poor people. So the rich get richer."

Sokhen says that the Khmer people who have settled in the Amherst area are here to stay. "We came here with almost nothing, " he recalls, ''just a box with rice, clothes, pans, utensils, and spices that we could take on the plane. Amherst had no idea about Cambodia. But now we're here, we 've brought our culture and customs . Amherst needs to add another chapter to its history, and we should continue to preserve our Khmer culture. "

Sokhen attended high school in Amherst, graduating in 1986, and went on to UMass, eventually earning a master's in education . And hes still taking classes : "I love to learn ," he says, "l never tire of learning I tell my students, just keep learning ." Almost from the moment of his arrival on these shores, Sokhen rolled up his sleeves and went to work, giving to the community that had taken him, his family, and his extended family. Early on he used to drive down to Bradley International Airport to greet incoming Cambodian families , and he also conducted programs for children at Amhersts jones Library. He began working for the Transitional Bilingual Education (TBE) programs Cambodian division at the Fort River Elementary School in Amherst, and ran workshops and gave presentations across Massachusetts around issues Khmer families have regarding education, parents ' expectations , and kids ' struggles in

school.

These days Sokhen teaches in the TBE program at Amherst High School, works with the Khmer Organizing Project at HCAC , and in his "off hours " works with kids , helping them learn Cambodian language and culture, including traditional dance, and organizing them to perform their own plays under the direction of the New World Theater. He also acts as an unofficial translator/mediator/liaison , serving as a bridge between Cambodians and the wider, English-speaking community. He works with families on problems involving runaway children , dating issues, medical issues , and situations where someone must go to court.

"l try to teach , chase after children when they are not in school , and I try to help out with their parents ," he explains. "Family and togetherness is most important of all. It 's like recycling-this is the culture in Cambodia. The children are right there with the parents , working in the fields , and when the parents retire to the Buddhist temple, the children take over Everyone helping one another is endl ess.

"But now the culture is dying, " he laments. "In Amherst , children are pregnant early, they get into boyfriends and girlfriends early. In Cambodia, theres no dating. Here, kids just want to fit in , but the parents feel like they have daggers in

their chests , they go to sleep Crying This new generation has rewritt en their own culture. They will probably ca ll themselves Cambodian , but there's not mu ch left to show it. Thes e kids are ge tting older, going off to college It s a s tru ggle for the elders , and I can 't just sit back and see that. There 's no one els e to do it. "

Indeed , Sokhen plays a unique role in this community, and everyone I sp ok e to expressed amazement at just how m an y things he does and h ow uni ve rsa lly wellliked and well-respect ed he is .

"It's very important ," Ronni e Booxbaum says of Sokhens wide-ranging activities. "Most of it is unpaid They couldn't even begin to comp ensate him for all he does . He's so adept , so good . I marvel at his ability to translate at m ee tings , for example-the conce pt s are so different , not just the words. Sokhen is on e of the brightest people I know He 's got an incredible sense of humor-he's got that ability to put people at eas e in all situations, and I've been with him in the b es t of times and the worst of tim es. He reminds me of the Lone Ranger: h e m ay be hard to find sometim es, but wh en there 's a crisis hes th ere , and it 's 'Hiyo, Silver! "'

"He does have that superhero-like quality, " agrees Patrick Tangredi. "H e's a magician. I often wonder wha t els e h e's out there doing. He has that place in th e

Take This Quiz:

• Have you ever called your partner names?

• Have you ever tried to "guilt trip" your partner?

• Do you have difficulty admitting you're wrong?

• Are you overly jealous?

• Have you ever forbidden your partner to see friends or relatives?

• Have you ever made angry or threatening gestures toward your partner?

• Have you ever punched a wall or destroyed possessions in anger?

• Have you ever hit or slapped your partner or children?

If you can answer yes to one or more of thes e questions , you may have a problem with abuse. At Men Overcoming Violenc e, we can help you evaluate your situation . Call us to schedule a confidential appointment with one of our trained st a ff. We can help

CLAUDIA'S CAFE

One East Pleasant St.

Amherst s Happiest

Hawy Hour

Mondaytbru

s ho.b.s

continu ed from page 11

Me and Joe Black

The plan now was to head for Market Street, and get the El back downtown But I would still have to be watchful all the way there : you never know who could be out there. As I was walking down 41st Street , I heard a car corning down the street I saw a house that looked abandoned, with boards on the windows and trash in the yard So I ducked down low and headed for this house As I reached the door, I heard someone in the car say "Slow up! I think I saw something move over there." I stayed very still ; even my heart knew when to be qujet. As the car passed by and I was sure they had not seen me, I turned the knob of the door and slipped in the house

I closed the door behind me and went to take a step but couldn't move. I was having the same feelings I had when I got off the trolley at Girard Avenue, but stronger this time. There was something about this house that did not feel vacant A smell of some sweet perfume filled the air, clean floors and dim lights all started screaming at me to "get the hell out of here " But I could not move My knees began to shake, and I went down on one knee to steady myself. I felt that I had walked into a movie or a bad dream, or someone had slipped me something without me knowing it and it was just taking effect. I wondered if it wasn't better to go back outside and let the boys have me. Maybe I stood a better chance with them; at least I knew what I was up against. But I just couldn't move

I heard a voice from one of the dark comers that seemed to come from far away. This voice , low and quiet, soft, husky, and threatening said, "What do you want in my house?" The words came out of my mouth as fast as my feet had been running from the gang "Some boys was chasing me, I'm not a thief, I was just hiding and I didn't know anyone lived here :"

There was silence for what seemed like a long time, as if this voice was trying to decide whether to believe me or not. Then the lights got brighter There in his bathrobe with a 45-caliber pistol in

his hand stood Joe Black. "I could h ave blown your@&:*$%$# head right off your body, boy," he said . "God was on your side this night. " I tried to apologize for corning in on him like that , but the words would not come out. I just kept looking around with my m ou th open at what I thought was an abandone d hous e . It looked like a $50,000 apa rtm ent on the first floor alone, gold-lined wallpap er, hardwood floors with tiger rugs on them , waxed banisters, carpeted stairs . In the living room sat the biggest TV I had ever seen in my life sitting between two gigantic speakers. Everything was immaculate. .It was all too much to take in at that very moment. I still could not move a step

As Joe lowered the gun , I heard a second voice say from the top of the stairs,"Is everything all right, Joe? " I looked up to see Peter, the owner of the Flamingo bar, coming down the stairs in his bathrobe Again, silence fell on the room as the three of us looked at each other not knowing what to say I knew, in a quiet way, that they were lovers

Joe Black never went out of his way for anyone that I knew of- until that night. He knew that I could not go back out in the street with boys looking for m e in a car. He also knew that he could n o longer hide who he really was from m e.

I stayed by the door while Joe and Peter disappeared and returned dress ed . Joe gestured to me to follow him and the three of us went down the hallway to a door leading into the basement. As Peter passed me going down the stairs I smelled that sweet odor again, the one I smelled when I first came in the house : it was him. The cellar was deep , many steps going down and dark until Joe turned on the lights There before my eyes sat his big red shiny car, backed in In the front of the car stood a wall with pictures on it that didn't look any different from the other walls lt slid open, revealing a ramp. As we got in the car I saw Peter slide a reassuring hand over to Joe and without a sound say "It will be all right."

We didn't speak much more that night, Joe Black and me, or ever again But it was clear that I should never speak of that house, or of his lover, to anyone And I never did until now.

continued from page 15

Bra ining the Body Into Healing

budget- the results were i dentical: the pam and in fe cti on cleared , b u t the cyst remained .

So when m y cyst flared up again , I felt frustrated and worried . What if it wasn't benign but malignant? I elected to have it s urgically removed . Befo re scheduling urgery, though , I decided t o try my new appro ach fi rst It had worked with m y tooth, after all. So I zapped the cyst with my internal h eat. Nothing ha pp ened. I hadn't really expected it to work, b ut I was still sorely disappoi nted

Then I thought, well , where's t h e stuff tns1de the cyst going to go , after all? It won't drain into the tissue .its already there Its got to go outside m y body, to be d estroyed Sin ce I had promised myself n ot to cut my b ody anymore - t he incidence of self-m utilation -is prevalent

amo ng survivors, an d ubiquitous among MPDs - (tha t subject is for a future column) I didn't want to break my vow But clearly the skin needed to be burst I resolved to attempt combining my physically internal assaults with out-of-body assistance I would go out of my body and ask of m y skin a great blessing: open , and let the heat drive the infection out.

. It worked - the cyst is gone . There is no bump. There is no scar There is simply clear, healthy skin , and firm, smooth tiss ue under it. It h as b een several months since this experience , and there has been no re cu rrence , nothing to suggest the cyst ever existed. I d o n ot expect it to return.

I treasure and lionor this great gift I've be en given , whlch was wrested accidentally from the horrors of abuse, torture, and My first therapis t - who has since lost her battle with breast canceronce described m y diagnoses o f MPD as such :

Hungry?

There are fierce dragons behind all of your doors.

They are terrifying, because they guard something precious.

Th ey are guarding treasure chests, Oscarthey are gua rd ing treasures beyoncL belief and imaginati on!

All those treasure s belong to you, Oscar! They are all yours!

Open the doors

Walk past the dragons Claim all of your treasure ches ts.

Even under the direst of circumstances , it is possible for everyone to claim their rightful inheritance: richness beyond our dragons. As a multiple who has reached a place of wholeness, I know that being incomplete is not simply a problem facing MPDs Everyone in this culture must confront our dragons. It is far m ore difficult for the human spirit - and body - of any person to "come together" rather than "fall apart," as mental sanity and mental illness are often d esc rib ed. The struggle is worth it. Lets walk past the dra gons

MRC PRESS ANNOUNCES

hank You !

TThe Mens Resource Ce nter is truly a community organizati on We have gro wn to where we are now be cause thousands of peo pl e h ave shared our in s ptration and and contributed their time , services, and money towa rd a vision of personal and social transformation. As our programs and ser- · vtces contmue to grow in size and scope , we see that th e si ze an d s cop e o f o ur commun ity su pp ort als o expands . We are filled with &ep gratitude at the outpouring of yo ur supp o rt. Please support the bu sin ess es who support us! If you patronize any o f the liste d businesses, tell t hem you appre ci ate t h e s u pp ort t hey give to the MRC!

Office and Reception Volunteers

Rachel Bernstein , Racha el Burnson , Ele na Bo t km-Levy, Case y Fo re s t, Jerry Garofal o, Karen Man de v ille , Diane ' Mand ie , Bok Oh , Maurice Posad a, Alicia Schuyler , Gab r iel a Sa ra lyn , Tom Schuyt , Gary Stone , Sara Tapp ly MO VE In tern

Davtd Schlafman

Suppor t G roup Facilitat or s

Paul Ab b ott , Michael Burke , Michael Dover, Tim Go rdon , Michael Greenebaum , Ken Howard , Steven J aco bsen , Gabor Lukacs , Rick Mart in , Bob Mazer, Jim Na p olit an , Sheldo n Sn odgrass

THANK YOU

Mentor/Advocates for Respect & Safety {MARS) Volunteers

Vafa Ansarifar, Laila Berstein, Elena Botkin-Levy, Holli Chmela, Meredith

Dimola , Ali Feely, Faith Kares, Marisol Lopez, Bethany Smyers , Steven Theberge , Dominick Usher

First Annual Open House Celebration

Volunteers

Adi Bemak , Elena an d Micah BotkinLevy, Candace Bradbury-Carlin, Roz Cook, Anthony and Phillip Jacobsen, Joan Levy, Diane Mandie , Nathan McCaskill, Aviva and Jonah Okun , Nancy Raines

Dedication Ceremony

Rep Steve Kulik, Brenda Lopez, Sen Stan Rosenberg , Rep Ellen Story, Carol Wallace

Refreshm ent s

Bread & Circus , Donatello 's Bakery, Henion 's Bakery, Nancy Janes

Restaurant , The Pub , Super Stop & Shop , Walker's Grill

Entertainment

Juan Carlos Arean , Moonlight and Morningstar, Tim Van Ness

Raffle Prizes

Always In Bloom Florist, BodyWorks, Bicycle World Two , Cha! Cha! Cha! , Eastside Grill, Food For Thought Books, Guild Art Center, Hackworth Fitness Center, HairEast , Hannoush Jewelry, .· Jonathan Klate of Amherst Acupuncture , Nutt leman 's Florist , Spaghetti Freddy's,

Stammel Stringed Instruments , Zlmna Flowers , Donated Servic es

Always In Bloom, Everywpman 's Center, Meg Gage, Hadley Garden Center, Integrity Builders, Yoko Kato, Knowles Flowers, Earl Shumway, Katrin

Northampton House Reception

Tom WaTtenberg and Wendy Berg, Hosts

Yoko Kato, Speaker

Refreshments

Bela's Vegetarian Restaurant, Gwen and Deb's, Green Street Cafe, Fire & Water Cafe , Mezza Luna Caffe, Paul & Elizabeth 's, Sylvester's

Third Annual Challenge and Change Awards Banquet

Volunteers

Ron Baer, Judith Breier, Michael Burke, Michael Dover, Dick Gilluly, Steve Jefferson, Peter Jessop, Yoko Kato, Joan Levy, Geoff Lobenstine, Nathan McCaskill, Mark Nickerson , Maurice Posada, Tom Schuyt, Llan Starkweather , Sheri Vanetzian

Food

Amber Waves ' , Amherst Deli, Ben & Bills Chocolate Emporium , Bertucci's , Bread & Circus , Bruegger's Bagels, Dean's Beans, Knowles Florist , Lord Jeffrey Inn, Bueno y Sano, the Pub, Fitzwilly's, Henion's Bakery, Super Stop & Shop ·

S.pecial Thanks

Terrific support at Hampshire College b y Saga Food Service and Doug Martin

Volunteer Appreciation Party

Food and Beverages

Antonio's Pizza, Au Lys Bleu , Black Sheep Cafe , Bread & Circus , Charlie 's Tavern, Nancy Jane's Door Prizes

Eastern Mountain Sports Hotel Northampton

Special Thanks Michael Dover

Recent Grants

Babson Foundation · Falconer Foundation

Mass. Department of Public Health

Threshold Foundation

Fina ll y, we want to express our gratitude · to the MRC Board of Directors for the ongoing guidance and support they give to this organization and all who are a part of it.

Men's Resources

AIDS CARE/Hampshire County (413) 586-8288 Transportation, support groups and much more free of charge to people living with HIV.

The American Cancer Society (413) 734-6000 Prostate support groups , patient support groups, nutritional supplements , dressings and supplies , literature , lowcost housing , and transportation Children's Aid and Family Service (413) 584-5690 Special needs adoption services. Counseling for individuals , families and children , with a play therapy room for working with children Parent aid program for parents experiencing stress Interfaith Community Cot Shelter 582-9505 (days) or 586-6750 (evenings) Overnight shelter for homeless individuals123 Hawley St. , Northampton. Doors open at 6 PM.

RESOURCES

HIV Testing Hotline (800) 750-2016

GLBT (Gay, lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered) Counseling & Therapy Referral Service (413) 586-2627-16 Center Street , Northampton, MA 01060 Free group for people 15 to 20 who are gay, lesbian or questioning their sexual orientation. Meets in Springfield Friday afternoons. The Gay & Bisexual Men's Program (802) 254-4444 Brattleboro , VT

Weekly/monthly social gatherings & workshops , and volunteer opportunities . Contact Carey Johnson . Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project , Cambridge , Mass Information and support for gay and bisexual men suffering from relationship violence. Phone (617) 497-7317 , email : GMDVP@JUNO COM life Course Counseling Center (413) 253-2822 Individual , couples and group

counseling for all gay, lesbian , bisexual and transgendered people. Web site ,www valinet.com/-lifecour, Email: integsol@valinet.com

Men's Divorce/Separation Counseling (413) 253-7918 Contact: Rob Okun

Men's Drop-In Group

First and third Tuesday 7-8 :30 pm , Athol (MA) YMCA (978) 249-9926

Men Against Violence

First and third Tuesday 5-6 pm , Athol (MA) YMCA (978) 249-9926

Men's Therapy Group (413) 586-7454 Reed Schimmelfing , MSW

Men in Relationships Group (413) 586-4802 Peter Corbett , LICSW For heterosexual men in committed relationships

Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) (800) 749-6879 Referrals available for 12-step groups throughout New England The Stonewall Center (413) 545-4824 University of Mass ., Amherst. A lesbian, bisexual , gay & transgender educational resource center. Valley Gay Alliance (413) 746-8804 PO. Box 181 , Northampton , MA 01061-0181 Western Massachusetts ' gay social and service organization

Brattleboro Area AIDS Project (802) 254-4444 ; free , confidential HIV/AIDS services , including support, prevention counseling and volunteer opportunities . TRY Resource/Referral Center for Adoption Issues

Education and support services for adoptees, adoptive parents , professionals , etc . Support group meetings first Wednesday and third Sunday of each month . Ann Henry- (413) 584-6599 . Valuable Families

Gatherings and newsletter for everyone who supports , cherishes and respects our lesbian , gay and bisexual families of origin and of choice PO Box 60634, Florence , MA 01 062; Valfams@crocker.com

Queer Teens - GLBT Youth Group of the Pioneer Valley

Meetings 1st and 3rd Thursday of every month at Kidsports, Hadley for socializing , discussions, and games. (413) 586-0633

Out Now! - GLBT Youth Group of Greater Springfield For confidential information about weekly meetings call (413) 739-4342

Internet Resources

Men 's Resource Center of Western Massachusetts : www.mrc-wma.com

National Men 's Resource Center

National calendar of events , directory of men 's services and a listing of books for positive change in men 's roles and relationships www.menstuff.org

The Men's Issues Page: www.vix.com/pub/men/index.html

100 Black Men , Inc : www.100bm.org

Pro -feminist men 's groups listing: www.femi· nist.com/pro.htm

Pro-feminist mailing list: http://coombs.anu.edu.au/-gorkin/profem.html

Fathers

At Home Dad : www.parentsplace.com/read· room/athomedad

The Fathers Resource Center : www slowlane.com/frc

National Fatherhood Initiative : www.cyfc.umn edu/Fathernet

The Fatherhood Project: www.fatherhoodproject.org

Magazines

Achlles Heel (from Great Britain) : www.stejon· da.demon.co uk/achilles/issues.html

XY:men , sex politics (from Australia) : http://coombs.anu edu .au/-gorkin/XY/xyin· tro.htm

Ending Men 's Violence

Real Men : www.cs.utk.edu/-bartley/other/reaiMen.html

The Men 's Rape Prevention Project: www.mrpp.org/intro.html

Quitting Pornog rap hy, Men Speak Out: www.geocities.com/CapitaiHill/1139/quit· porn.html

Volunteers Needed

AIDS CARE/ Hampshire County (413) 586-82898 Help make life eas ier and friendlier for our neighbors affected by HIV or AIDS Men are especially needed Big Brothers/Big Sisters of Hampshire County (413) 253-2591 Bangs Community Center, Boltwood Walk , Amherst, Massachusetts Men's Resource Center (413) 253-9887 Variety of needs for volunteers at the MRC office

Gay Men 's Domestic Violence Project , Cambridge , Mass

Seeking volunteers for the nation 's first safe home network serv ing gay and bisexual men and transgendered people In need of safe home providers and other volunteers

Extensive training and stipend provided. Phone Mark Green at (617) 497-7317 , email GMDVP@JUNO COM

RESOURCES MEDIATION

KoNZA MAsSAGE

continued from page 4

Letters

load of issues I carried my whole life: sexism, racism , h omophobia, etc But after awhile. I fell away from the men 's movement as such, feeling th at I w as no longer "workmg t h rough" b u t rather participating m what I ca me to p erceive as a struggle to forge a new ideology of maleness. A more "enlightened " one , but ideology all the same I simply could not relate to any sort of "warrio r" metaphor In fact , I was dis-

covering deeper pathologies in myself that underlay external relations. What began to emerge was the violence in my own makeup ; displaced in cruelly damaging ways onto others, rooted in early history I turned inward (regressed?) to intense and painful self-absorption, with bouts of depression-mixed with some healthy sublimation (painting, studying natural history). That was a dangerous initiative, however , for it led back to the vortex: to the positive feedback loop of clinically pathological

narcissism , tied tightly to a pattern of selfviolence . Somehow I've persisted, helped immensely by true community and the natural splendor of my surrounds, with time and opportunity to study, work through , and begin healing

All well and good , but theres still today to get through-peacefully.

I'm able to say all this freely because I too entered on a new paradigm , about a year ago, related but distinct: the new/old Reinventing justice program in [Franklin] county. To sit in a circle conscious of "all our relations," with a clear mind and open heart, with respect felt and given by each for all, to listen to offenders and their victims work through matters of explosive potential and heart - rending sa dness, hard stuff, to watch healing consensus and forgiveness emerge, slowly, painfully but magically, from the creativity of the group with no leader, ah, that was to bask in emotional and spiritu al satisfaction of a kind I've never felt in my life , because: I'm an offender; but I've joined the circle , which took me in as an eq ual.

Bob Ellis Millers River Watershed Wendell, Mass

MRC PROGRAMS & SERVICES

SUPPORT GROUP PROGRAMS

· Open Men 's Gro up- 7 -9 p m Sunday evenings at the MRC Amhers t office A facilitated drop-in group for men to talk about their lives and to support each other

• Sur vivors of Childhood Abuse - 7 - 8 :30 p .m . Friday evenings at the MRC. Specifically for men who are survivors of any kind of childhood abuse

• Gay, Bisexual , Transgender; & Questioning 7-9 p m Monday evenings at the MRC. Discussion group on issues of sexual orientation.

FATHERING PROGRAMS

A variety of resources are - lawyer referrals , parenting guidance , workshop s edu cational prese ntations and conferences, as well as group and individual counseling for new and expectant, separated or divorced , gay, step, adoptive and other fathers.

YOUTH .EDUCATION PROGRAMS (YEP)

· High School Education Project (HEP): We train ad u lt men to present works hops for area high schools on issues such as sexual hara ssment, date rape, creating hea lthy relationships, masculi n ity and sexism We also provide ongoing yo ung men's leadership programs and support groups

· Mento r Advocates for Respect and Safety (MARS): In collaboration with the Everywoman's Center, we train college and high school males to be mentors to junior h igh males with a particular focus on sexual assau lt prevention educa tion

· Alternatives to Det ention : We lead after-school programs for juQior high school students on respect , violence prevention and healthy relationships

MEN OVERCOMING VIOLENCE (MOVE)

MRC state-certified batterer intervention program serves both voluntary and court-mandated men who have b een physically violent or verbally/emotiona lly abusive. Fee sub sidies available .

• Basi c Groups : Groups for self-referred (20 weeks) and court-mandated (40 weeks) men are held in Ware, and Springfield.

· Follow-up : Groups for men who have completed the basic program and want to continue in their recovery are available in Northampton, Amherst and Belchertown .

· Partner Services: Free phone support, resources , referrals and weekly support groups are available for partners of men in the MOVE prpgram.

· Prison Groups : A weekly MOVE group is held at the Hampshire County Jail and House of Corrections.

· Teen Groups : A 10 week MOVE group for young men (ages 1419) who have been violent or abusive to others.

· Community Education and Training: Workshops and training on domestic violence and clinical issues in batterer intervention are ava il able.

· Speakers ' Bureau : Formerly abusive men who want to share their experiences with others to help prevent family violence are available to speak at schools and human service programs .

TRAINING AND CONSULTATION

Training and consultation is available to colleges , schools, human service organizations , and businesses on topics such as "Sex u al Harassment Prevention and Response, " "Strategies and Sk ills for Educating Men," "Building Men's Community," and "C hallenging Homophobia ," among other topics. Specific trainings and consultation available . ·

ALTERNATIVE FAMILIES PROJECT

A 60-page manual, Children, Lesbians , and Men: Men 's Experiences as Known and Anonymous Sperm Donors , which answers the questions men have, with first-person accounts by men and women "who have been there " ,

RESOURCE AND REFERRAL SERVICES

Information about events, counselors, groups, local , regional and national activities, support programs for men. Our library and resource files are available to all MRC members .

VOICE MALE

Published

April9 -11

The Fi ght for Abortion Rights and Reproductive Freedom: 13th Annual Conference for Student and Community Activists

Hampshire College . Amherst , Mass. Free. For more information , call (413 ) 559-5645.

April22

Men and Racism Film and Discussion

. 7-9 :30 p .m . at the MRC. Film to be announced Dona tion req uested.

May 13 , 27,]un e 3 , 10

Men's Separation and Divorce Group Four Thursdays. 7-8:30 p m at th e MRC. For co st and to register ca ll (413 ) 253 -7918

April23 -25

Mentors and Elders : The Second Adventure of Life

Works hop with Mich ael Meade Rowe Conference Center, Rowe , Mass (413 ) 339-4954

April25 -May 2, May 9 16, 23

Fathers' Brunch

Four Sundays at the MRC , 11 a .m . - 12.30 p m Free (413) 253-9887 Ext. 20

April 29

Queerfest

A day-long GLBT community pride festival at t he University of Massachusetts Contact the Pnde Alliance (413) 545 -0 154

May 1

Pride Marc h Northampton , Mass Call 586-6900 for more information

CALENDAR

May 20-23

Inner Sovereign Training: the Wisdom of the Soul

Earth Dance/Nine Mountains Retreat Center, Plainfield, Mass (41,3) 585-8408 Email: emuten@crocker.com

May 21-23

Gay &: Single: What Keeps Us Out of Relationship?

Rowe Conference Center, Rowe, Mass. (413) 339-4954

May 22

Male Survivors and Allies Rally Amherst (Mass .) Town Common 3-5 p.m. Call the MRC at (413) 253-9887

May27

Men and Racism Film and Discussion 7-9:30 p .m . at the MRC. Film to be announced. Donation requested.

June 3-6

National Men 's Health Conference and Exposition Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Paper abstracts and posters welcome. Call (215) 685-5357 for more information

June 20

1st MRC Fathers and Families Celebration Noon- 5 p.m Amherst (Mass.) Town Common. Call the MRC at (413) 253-9887

Jun e 20-25

Men 's Wisdom Council

Rowe Conference Center, Rowe, Mass (413) 339A954

June 25 27

Y2K : A Blessing in Disguise Weekend workshop with Gordon Davidson &: Corrine McLaughlin Rowe Conference Center , Rowe, Mass. (413 ) 339-4954

August 7-8

Eighth Annual Conference , International Coalition Against Sexual Harassment: Creating Change: Sexual Harassment Research , Training, and Advocacy for the 21st Century. Chicago, Ill. Papers , workshops, panels, and discussion groups on all aspects of sexual harassment . For further information and registration material contact james Gruber Qegruber@umd .umich.edu), 313-593-5611 , University of Michigan-Dearborn, or Susan Fineran (sfineran@bu.edu) 617-353-7912 , Boston University.

August 27-29

Courageous Hearts : Building Men's Community Weekend workshop presented by the MRC. For more information, ca ll (413) 253-9887.

·

October 1 - 3

God, Sex, and Money

An experiential weekend conference for men with john Le e, Jeffrey Duvall , and joe Laur Sirius Community Conference Center, Shutesbury, Mass . $300, including meals For more information, contac t Stephen Stem (phone 508-376-9544, email : Sstern@aol.com) or jedd Miller (phone 413549-5585, email j e ddMil)er@aol.com).

Send calendar listings for the Summerl999 issue to Voice Male Calendar, MRC, 236 North Pleasant Street, Amherst MA 01002. Deadline for listings is May 10.