Stop Putting Down Your Spouse Now, Or Pay The Consequences Later!
“Are Couple's Discussions A Battle For Control?”
As social beings, we all want to feel validated – we want other people to approve of us and what we are doing. We are social creatures, of course, and the approval of the group is, from a biological point of view, important for our survival. It is also important for our social and psychological well-being. When it becomes apparent that other people’s views are divergent from our own and, in particular, when they directly disagree with or criticize us, our need for validation comes under threat and we can react aggressively in self-defense. How does this need play out in a marriage? Having a spouse making fun and critiquing you in public makes for very funny comedy scripts, but for the person being invalidated is a real pain. We in turn can lash out in pain and cause a real incident, only because we were frustrated and our need for validation exposed us to a very public humiliation. Putting your spouse down in public accomplishes several objectives: • makes you feel in control of the wife’s public image; • sends the message that you can allow or deny any validation to her; • prevents others from sending recognition to her in public. Probably this sad behavior is prompted by inner factors (a deep need to feel in control) but also because there could be environments factors that make him feel more insecure: his work, or his public image. A job loss is a negative change that can make men feel that the social milieu is rejecting them. His knee jerk reaction is to put somebody else down, so as to feel in control again...
If we accept that any marriage is a a contract for reciprocal love, support and admiration, this behavior could not be more destructive. Controlling and restricting the flow of positive recognition to a spouse is a sure way of killing
the relationship. Done either from fear of loss, or fear of change or male insecurity, it ends sabotaging the same relationship we built up to help develop strong identities...sooner or later, the frustrated spouse will find support and recognition somewhere else. Is urgent a call for discussing and challenging this pattern. As long as he continues to be funny about her more painful aspects, he is directly attacking the basis for reciprocal trust and validation. A look at his hidden motivations can reveal the insecurities that need to be changed. Perhaps using some verbal tool, like the following appreciation exercise can help. He has to be invited to mention one positive aspect of her each day, and explain why he loves it: "When you....(go with me to see my sick mother) I feel supported, because it helps me deal with a painful situation." Assuming that his behavior is produced by a lack of verbal skills, then learning this little tool will provide each other with the recognition both need. Nora Femenia, PhD is passionate about supporting people's recovery from emotional abuse once and for all. Nora has created a powerful set of tools for helping women and men break out of the mind-set that keeps them trapped in a toxic relationship, by first discovering their unconscious beliefs and family blueprints that prevent them from seeking their own happiness. To know more about her latest book "Recovering From Emotionally Abusive Relationships" please visit http://www.healingemotionalabuse.com