Poems of Neil Michelsen Volume 24 by Neil Michelsen

f Poems of Neil Michelsen

Volume 24 2021

f Dedication

To my family

Neil Michelsen 2021

f Preface

I began writing in Brooklyn in 1960 when I had just turned 17. That was the year my mother died and my first poem was about her death. I started out writing traditional styled poetry with strict form, rhyming and meter. Later, while they all had meter, they became less classical in form and more like what might be called blank verse. Many poems take the form of essays or stories that represent my observations, experiences and personal feelings. As I age, more of them are about aging. Many also have a reflective melancholy bent to them. This volume contains 145 poems written in 2021 bringing the total number of poems written to about 2,395. Volume 19, was created in 2017 representing a selection of poems from Volumes 1-18, i.e. up through 2016, that I thought were my better ones and or personally more meaningful to me. I may do the same for the subsequent poems. The poems in this volume are presented in the order that I felt had better poetic style, subject matter and or personal meaning to me. I apologize for any unintended offense or controversy from anything I’ve written. Also, not being professionally edited, please excuse any deficiencies in poetic form, grammar, typos or spelling errors. It is my hope that these poems, along with my other personal works (i.e. my personal journals, books and other writings; music compositions; family and music movies and photo albums; paintings; and various collections and memorabilia) will serve as my little marks in life, and as my legacy and personal inheritance to my family. I should also like to mention that most all my personal works are on my web site, neilmichelsen.com for posterity and easy and open access.

Table of Contents No Title and Dedication Preface 1 A Jinx 2 The Pirate Captain 3 Priesthood 4 The Same Face 5 Chasing Spirits 6 One Broken Tooth 7 Getting A Life 8 The Formula 9 Love, Then Ad Now (About, And To, Vi) 10 Looking Through Me 11 An Unforgiving Routine 12 20 More Minutes In Life 13 Self Medication 14 Transition 15 Away Among The Stars 16 A Rare Warmth 17 Extreme Thinking 18 The First Born 19 A Surface Change 20 My Poems Are Anonymous 21 My Death Wish 22 Being Hungry 23 The Paint Job 24 Still Lost 25 Only Half As Long 26 Leftovers 27 Ready For Inspection 28 The Sign Of The Cross 29 Grace Period Expiration 30 Just Another Passenger Now 31 Stains 32 Flies 33 The Vigil 34 An Invasive Species

Pg 1 3 4 7 8 9 11 15 16 18 19 20 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 33 34 35 36 39 41 42 44 45 46 47 48

35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76

Where Did They Go? Removing Opportunity The Truth And The Unttruth Without A Mother Ahead Of Schedule Still In The War Hedging My Bets The "Failure" His Recovery Room Self Punishment (On Me And My Father) Me By Default Second-Chance Time Smoking Free And Clear Einstein's Theories Of Relativity Writing Versus Speaking Timing Is Everything My Judas A Reading Companion My Little Farm Girl (On Vi) Quantity Versus Quantity Of Life To All The Girls I've Dated Coloring Within The Lines Pending Shutdown? My Judgment Violent Dreams Again A Brown Nose Or A Robin? Swashbuckling Duels The Weather And The Road 2:30 am A Bad Paint Job Where Has It Gone? Keeping My Distance The Birds Of Winter Pity The Living (On Veterans Day) Crutches Safely In My Armchair White Out No "Thanks" Murdered Just A Matter Of Time When One Door Closes

49 50 51 52 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 65 66 68 70 71 72 74 75 77 79 80 81 83 84 88 90 91 92 95 96 97 99 100 101 102 104 105 106 108

77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115

The Dog Only 10 Years Out A Dog's Life Lucky And Unlucky The Secret Back Again Full Circle Aren't There Enough Problems? Paraphrased Lines From The Bell Jar Paraphrased Lines From Ariel Paraphrased Lines From The Colossus Paraphrased Lines From Crossing the Water Paraphrased Lines From Johnny Panic and the Bible of Dreams No One To Vouch For Me Cellophane Wrapper Crackers In My Soup Perception Trumps Reality Heartbeat (Thinking Of Aubrey) At The Risk Of Standing Out Paraphrased Lines From One Good Deed "I'm Not Happy" The Irish And The Norwegians Becoming A Caretaker "Cheating" On My Taxes My Story Paraphrased Lines From The Seamstress Nowhere To Go (On Mom And Dad) Save A Place For Me Paraphrased Lines From The Second Life of Nick Mason From The Ice Age To The Stars All In My Head Paraphrased Lines From The Boy Paraphrased Lines From Growing Things And Other Stories A Healthier And Happier Life? Sleeping In History The Sword Of Damocles No Warning Signs No Getting Around That Where Have You Gone, Chris? (On My Sister, Chris) Still In My System (Remembering Bich-Thuy)

109 110 111 113 114 115 116 117 124 127 132 138 146 147 148 149 151 152 153 159 161 162 163 164 165 176 178 179 180 182 183 187 197 198 199 202 204 205 206

116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145

When Vi May Be Gone (On Vi) Electronic Explosions A Collection Of Ball Point Pens Paraphrased Lines From The 'Lost for Words' Bookshop A Five Foot Fall An Inexplicable Formula America − Slipping Under A Management Technique Pebbles In My Shoes More On Aubrey Kerry And Bethany Making Up For Lost Opportunities (On Dad) For Every Star A Plastic Tarp For Better Or Worse Dogs Like Me It's a Girl Full Circle (More On Aubrey) Disciplining Aubrey Puppet Strings It's All "BS" A Mercy Killing (On A Horrific Dream About Aubrey) This Time In My Life I Won't Help You Black And White Commercials He's Only A Flirt Suicide Pride Comes Before The Fall A Review Of The Current State Of Things Intolerance

207 208 210 211 213 215 217 218 219 220 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 235 237 238 239 241 242 243 246 248 249 250 255

Poems of Neil Michelsen 2021

A Jinx 12-19-2021 A deathbed conclusion. _____ 1. He was dying And his wife of nearly 50 years Was by his side As always. 2. He looked up at her For a long while Straight into her face And into her very soul it seemed Wrestling with his thoughts and his emotions As if in these in his final hours Everything was finally coming together About his life and Life itself. Then he began to speak In a pained and weak voice.

3. Dearest one, we've been together now For going on 50 years And you've been with me Through all my pains and hardships. 4. When I lost my job You were there. When I was sick with pneumonia You were there by my side. When I hurt my back You were there too. And when I was sick with a fever That almost cost me my life You were right there with me. And when I lost my leg In that horrible automobile accident You were by my side, as well. 5. And now Now that I'm dying You're here with me as always Just as you've always been. So darling, all I can say is: "You're a jinx!" ****

The Pirate Captain 12-21-2021 Clever thinking. _____ 1. The lookout in the crow's nest Yelled down to the Captain of the pirate ship, "One enemy ship on the horizon, Captain." The Captain then yelled to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" 2. After bringing him his red shirt, The First Mate asked, "Why did you want your red shirt, Captain?" "Because", said the Captain, "if I get wounded The men won't see the blood and will continue to fight." "Good thinking", said the First Mate. 3. Some weeks later The lookout in the crow's nest Yelled down to the Captain, "20 enemy ships on the horizon, Captain." The Captain then yelled to his First Mate, "Bring me my brown pants!" ***** 3

Priesthood 12-23-2021 The cage of an unnatural profession. _____ 1. I'm locked in a cage − The cage of my profession. My parishioners only talk to me Through my metal confessional screen And only out of remorse, regret and desperation. And what they speak to me about Are their dark and ugly sins And about nothing uplifting. And then there are those who come to me With trivial things Just seeking attention Or conniving ways To help guaranty their getting to heaven. 2. Yes, they come to me But no one comes to me for me As I'm only a "go-between" for them And someone of no real or personal value − Just a go-between part of a religious bureaucracy − Just a means to an end. . 4

3. And what is my social purpose? I have none. For I have been plucked out, roots and all From society, secluded and reclusive. I am a religious slave Owned by a master Who has deprived me Of a home, a wife, children and a family. My home is a stone-cold echoey church − A hollow cathedral − With nothing cozy, warm or personal about it. 4. I have not had to work for anything As everything has been given to me. I can take no pride in what I have For I own nothing, nor earned any of it. There is nothing with my own name, emblem or stamp on it. Everything is owned by "the state." I have nothing that I can call my own. 5. Under the guise of being "semi-deified" I have been removed from the norm − Abnormalized. Having been dehumanized And excluded from the normality and experiences of life How can I advise and guide others? I am a freakish social abstraction. I'm all theory and no practice.

6. And what is my purpose in life? It is to help others to work out their problems And to unburden themselves and find "answers." But these are things they could easily do themselves And so I serve no real purpose Other than to be "used" by others For their own cunning purposes. I therefore feel That there is nothing redeeming or rewarding in what I do And this is the weighty yoke that I wear on my shoulders. 7. And who looks out for me? A God who lives in the extremist part of the Universe? Who is invisible and whom I've never seen? Who never reaches out to me? And worse, who may not even exist? 8. Except for an hour or so each Sunday It's a lonely, day-after-day life Walking around an empty church and rectory Listening to my footsteps Echoing in my ears and poking me with doubts, "What am I really good for?": Walking the church-yard cemetery alone in the dark Up-righting vandalized tombstones that I come across That no one will recognize or appreciate me doing? What's gratifying about that? A hollow priest, I am In a tiny little cage. ***** 6

The Same Face 12-20-2021 No changing. _____ 1. I look in the mirror And see a disagreeable face. To test its validity And to see whether it's really mine I turn out the light And anxiously wait and pray a bit In that self-imposed darkness. 2. But when I turn on the light again The same face is there − No change − No mistake about it. I cannot escape The jagged toothed shark That I see. 3. Though stars collide and explode And planets fly out of their orbits My face sadly remains Unchanged. ***** 7

Chasing Spirits 12-29-2021 I feel you there. _____ 1. You have a very strong spirit That I always feel pressing around me. 2. Sometimes I see you − Out of the periphery of my eye − Nothing complete or well-defined − Just a fuzzy glimpse that I chase. 3. But when I get to the room I saw you in And where I thought I'd catch you stalking me You're not there. I missed you again. Sometimes you close the door Just as approach. And when I fling it open The room is always empty. Regardless, I feel you there Looking and smirking at me Which makes me want to cry. ***** 8

One Broken Tooth 7-15-2021 A little thing that became a big thing. _____ 1. He broke his tooth and so Couldn't eat the meat that he had felled Without excruciating pain. So he was forced to grind his meat Between two stones to soften it Which injected bits of the stone into it That crunched between his teeth Making him shutter And so was never able to enjoy his meals. Even the roots that he dug up to eat Had to be pulverized by those same stones Before he could eat them. 2. He also could only chew on one side Because the broken tooth was so sensitive To anything that touched came near it. 3. His hunting was also affected As his tracking and focus was always being distracted By the pain of that open throbbing tooth. 9

4. The ramifications of that affliction Gradually alienated him from the tribe. He was viewed as different and inferior. He also needed special consideration and attention. He wasn't able to contribute to the tribe Like he could before which in certain cases Could cost the tribe dearly Especially when it came to fighting rival tribes. He became a liability rather than an asset. A user of resources rather than a provider. A curse rather than a blessing. He became a burden and a drag. 5. Over time this alienation brought him Far out of sync with the rhythm of tribe. He became a loner and was demoralized to the extent That he lost his desire to live. 6. Being alone and weak He became vulnerable Which the animals sensed And finally got him − All because Of one broken tooth. *****

Getting A Life 2-17-2021 Telemarketing calls make his day and his life. _____ 1. Old Tom has no wife, children or relatives. Nor does he have any friends For they have all passed away Or faded out of favor or view. He's all alone and isolated In his tiny cave-apartment. 2. But he has a formula that solves Both his isolation and his loneliness. 3. While others ignore the barrage of telemarketing calls they receive Tom welcomes them and answers them all with enthusiasm. And when he does he surprises the caller By being eager to talk to them and hear what they have to say. This is not what the caller is expecting So he catches them off guard and turns the tables on them Duping them with his own technique. He is the spider who invites his guest into the parlor.

4. He engages them in long conversations About the product or the service they are offering Asking question after question. The caller is salivating with the expectation of a sale But it's just Tom's way To create the social net work And interaction with the outside world That he doesn't have in a natural way. 5. He asks for time to think about it And asks to be called back for a further discussion Which guarantees that he'll have another pleasant conversation With his new-found friend. 6. He also asks if he could be sent some material Which further guarantees that they'll be a follow-up call. And of course if there are free samples available Or even ones that are nominally priced He asks for them as well Further entangling them in his web. 7. While it's a make believe world It's by the same token a real world For him.

8. He's also clever enough To take the opportunity with his caller-friend To broaden, extend, deepen and personalize the conversation By asking such questions as, "Where is it that you're calling from" and "How's the family?" This enables him to learn about various cities and towns And about the caller's girlfriends, wife and or kids Among any number of tributary channels about The caller's schools, backgrounds, hobby's, sports, etc. All of which brings Tom and the caller into an almost real Relationship Which is the whole purpose of Tom's conniving. They even get into religion and politics If it's not too touchy 9. With all these calls he's always busy And never depressingly lonely. And because of the law That prohibits telemarketing calls after 9pm His nights are restful and call-free Where he can relax and read a book Or watch a little uninterrupted TV before going to bed After a pleasant and rewarding day on the phone.

10. Yes, he feels a little guilty about it But on the other hand the callers Often feel better after their calls Because Tom is polite, soft-spoken, willing to listen And treats all his callers with dignity and respect Which is refreshingly the opposite Of what they are normally used to getting. 11. Yes it's a "con" − A deception − And a ruse − But no one gets hurt And Tom Gets a life. *****

The Formula 4-10-2021 Forgiveness is an enabler. _____ 1. I sin I ask for forgiveness And I'm forgiven. It's a great 1-2-3 formula. 2. It's a formula that enables me Because after I'm forgiven And my slate is wiped clean I can sin again. 3. Knowing that I'll always be forgiven I virtually have immunity. 4. Although this formula raises some questions It's one that God had created And so who am I to question Or not take advantage of it? ***** 15

Love, Then And Now (About, And To, Vi) 2-12-2021 The transformation of love. _____ 1. At first it was a young and passionate love. Sexy and spontaneous. Flighty with not much foundation to it. Blind and impulsive. Unthinking and selfish. A wild bachelor's love. A love of conquest and self-gratification. A love more for me than for her. 2. Over the years That young and flighty love Fell away And was replaced by a love That was less selfish And had deeper and more sincere roots And roots that were tested by time and trials.

3. I was always guarded with my emotions So I never said, "I love you" Out loud. But internally I said it a lot With my heart as its sponsor. 4. And now As I look into your eyes as my life slips away Please know that I've always loved you And that I will love you even in death. 5. Know as well That you were the only one That I have ever really loved − That you were always My one true love No matter how much I hid it and kept it to myself. *****

Looking Through Me 11-2-2021 A plea on my deathbed. _____ 1. Don't look through me As if I'm not there. 2. Don't patronize me With a made-up sad face. 3. Don't hold my hand just because That's what you have to do. 4. Don't let me take That empty look with me to my grave. 5. Don't look at me so impatiently As if I'm just a time and energy consuming invalid In the way of your inheritance. *****

An Unforgiving Routine 5-1-2021 Torture by repetition. _____ 1. Each day the sun rises − And its fire lights up the world. But each night It is dragged down below the horizon And smothered to death. 2. Each sunrise carries with it − Throughout its entire transit − The seed of its demise. 3. Each morning When it surfaces from its watery or mountain grave It, like a surfacing whale, takes a deep breath That will last it for the day. Day after day, this is the unforgiving routine of our Sun Similar to the fate of poor King Sisyphus. ***** For cheating death twice, the mythological King Sisyphus was punished by having to roll an immense boulder up a hill only to have roll down again repeatedly for all eternity. ***** 19

20 More Minutes In Life 4-16-2021 What representative time remains in my life? _____ 1. I look at my watch And it's 20 minutes before the hour − 20 minutes before the hour of my death. 2. Considering a day To be representative of my life span I have just about 20 minutes of life left in me. 3. 20 more minutes − What to do with them? If all the years in my life have had no impact What would I want these last 20 minutes to achieve As it's my last chance?

4. In a nutshell I would like my family to know How much I loved them Despite my often outward cast-iron shell And how much I tried to be a productive person. And if I achieve that I would like to believe That they will look at the works that I have created in my life − My music, poetry, personal writings, photo and video albums To name a few For they represent both me As well as the love I had for them. 5. So there Since that only took a minute. I have 19 more minutes left − The silence of which Is deafening. *****

Self Medication 1-2-2021 My nightly tradition. _____ 1. I don't need any relaxants To take the edge off my day Or sleeping pills To help me get to sleep Because what I do before I go to bed Is "self medicate" By reading a book And having a glass of wine Or two. 2. Call it as you wish But give me a little credit For devising a Simple Reasonable and Workable formula That's now become A nightly tradition. *****

Transition 1-23-2021 The natural evolution of marriage and life. _____ 1. In their beds Just before they go to sleep They briefly and dutifully face each other And kiss goodnight. Then they turn away Back to back And face opposite walls − Each of which is "their" wall − The ones they stare at and have personified And that have become good listeners And personal confidants. 2. This is what marriages often evolve to − The sharp teeth of passion Ground down to a toothless bite. The soft living tissue of love has dried and fossilized. Love is still there But it's just taken on a different form. 3. It's not a complaint or a disappointment that they have It's just an observation about life and transition. ***** 23

Away Among The Stars 1-23-2021 An imaginary ascension and escape. _____ 1. I am now Up there among the stars Looking down At that suspended light blue marble, Earth. I have escaped its congestion and its stresses At least for a while. 2. This is what I do. This is how I escape from all the pressures Of life on Earth − I wander among the stars And lose myself In the silent solace of empty space. *****

A Rare Warmth 1-26-2021 Hope restored. _____ 1. I draw myself close to the fire As close as I possibly can Until the hairs on my arms begin to almost roast For warmth is such a rare thing for me to have And I want to get as much of it as I can Before the icy cold wind comes again And takes it away. 2. Oh, please give these fire-logs Eternal life Or at least lives long enough To build up in me the hope and promise That once this spasm of warmth is over It will return. *****

Extreme Thinking 2-12-2021 Preparing for extreme times. _____ 1. We only put a few lights on − Just enough to see the dark shapes of the furniture That will guide us through the rooms. 2. We also keep the heat down to a minimum − Just enough to keep the pipes from freezing. We dress in layers and sleep with our clothes on. 3. We follow the same conservatism with everything − Even being sparing with our food. 4. We do it all to save money: To physically prepare ourselves for whatever extreme conditions The family may have to one day endure Caused by unforeseen severe economic or financial disasters. 5. We also economize for our children's sake so that we can leave them As much of our resources as possible when we pass For their welfare and security during their lives. Extreme thinking for possibly extreme times. ***** 26

The First Born 6-3-2021 On being the first born. _____ 1. If you are the first born A unique form of personality develops in you Different from those who follow. You are like the first wave of infantry to hit the beach And will bear the worse casualties of the assault. If you survive, you will be either steeled or broken. You will be on one side of the bell curve or the other. 2. Those who follow you in the assault will be protected Because you were their body shields. And you being the first With no one in front of you to protect you Will draw the first and the most fire. All those who follow have their eyes on you And will learn from what happens to you Whereas you have no one to look to Except into the eyes of a determined enemy. 3. Your first-born mind develops "under fire" Which produces both good and bad results With one often far outweighing the other. ***** 27

A Surface Change 7-23-2021 Age changed little of substance. _____ 1. Time had aged her terribly And made her a completely different person From the person that I had known As now she had a hard, wrinkled and crusty shell. 2. Her voice though was the same And that caught my attention. And as I studied her I saw through the little peep-hole cracks in her shell That the shell was a just a veneer. 3. It didn't take long for me to see That the person who I remembered and loved Was still there. It didn't take me long to see That nothing of substance Had changed. *****

My Poems Are Anonymous 1-28-2021 No one pays much attention my poems or music. _____ 1. I am constantly writing poems and music But those who see me working on them Hardly give any notice. No one asks me what I'm doing. And the volumes of poems and music CDs That are in plain sight and display on my bookshelves And easily accessible on my web site Go undisturbed and unexplored. No one seems to be interested Or even curious. So it seems I'm writing for my self − Anonymously. 2. Seemingly the only hope I have For the rescue and salvation of my work Is that maybe they'll be "discovered" After I've passed away. 3. And even about that possibility I worry. ***** 29

My Death Wish 4-5-2021 The ending to a story is critical. _____ 1. When I die I want my death To be slow enough To give me the time to say my proper goodbyes But fast enough To minimize The agony of a possible painful demise for me And the burden on my family of having to take care of me. 2. It's a simple wish For which, if luck or fate were to grant it I'd be most grateful. 3. The story of one's life is one thing But its ending is another And often The most important. *****

Being Hungry 7-18-2021 Something engrained in him. _____ 1. Every day Before and after every meal He remembered being hungry Which took away from his enjoying Any of his meals. 2. It also brought to mind All those who are still hungry Which reared up a kind of guilt in him. 3. At each meal He felt the eyes of the ghost-hungry Looking at him As his eyes used to look.

4. And if he were served a piece of food That looked sinfully excessive to him He'd cut it into tiny pieces In order to mitigate his perceived gluttonous guilt − Tiny pieces like he remembered having During those hard years of his roots Way back when. ~ Your present life is molded by your past − In both good ways And bad. *****

The Paint Job 7-10-2021 A short term sacrifice. _____ 1. Each day he'd skip a meal In order to save up enough To buy a brush and some paint. So that one day He could paint his one-room apartment Which was an important thing to him. 2. It was a psychological thing for him To have a painted apartment − To feel good about himself And distract him from his poor condition in life And make him feel a little "upscale." 3. He took comfort in the fact that His body could easily adjust and recover From his little daily sacrifice Which sacrifice would be A short term one Compared to the pleasure he'd get From a freshly painted apartment which would be A long term one. ***** 33

Still Lost 7-25-2021 Found but still lost. _____ 1. She'd been found and was no longer Lost and alone in the woods. 2. But as a result of that harrowing experience She was filled with anxiety about everything Even in the calmest and securest of environments. 3. The peaceful beauty of the woods That she once enjoyed She now feared. And at night It gave her terrifying nightmares. 4. She had become a changed person. She had become damaged goods. Although she had been found She was still lost. ***** 34

Only Half As Long 7-30-2021 A trade-off. _____ 1. He was brilliant With a penetrating and racing mind That was into genius-level science and math − New science and math that no one had ever explored before. He cut his own path through the jungle That was so deep and fast that he disappeared from view. No one could keep up with him. 2. And as with so many brilliant and gifted people − He died at an exceptionally young age. 3. A light that burns twice as bright Only burns half as long. ******

Leftovers 12-6-2021 Walk in my shoes and they'll understand. _____ 1. I scour the refrigerator for leftovers − For things that no one else wants And will just as soon discard And will discard If I don't beat them to the punch. 2. They laugh at me for looking for leftovers As if I'm some homeless scavenger. But that's all the result of my past experience growing up And they wouldn't laugh though If they had walked in my shoes back then For they'd know why and where I was coming from Where food sometimes was a privilege. 3. In subsequent years Even when I was a big-shot executive Enjoying sumptuous meals In the most famous, elegant and expensive restaurants I never lost that non-culinary experience of my past Where my aversion to wasting food was created.

4. Back then, I never felt That we were deprived of food But there were signs to read and dots to connect That food was sometimes scarce. 5. When my mother died My father became a broken man: He was emotionally crushed and depressed And very hard to live with. Having lost his will to live, he also lost his job Resulting in us going on welfare for a number of years. 6. There were signs that money was tight And food had to be stretched. For example, I use to hear him yell at my sister, Enid: "Put more starch in the gravy to make it thick enough So that the younger ones will not feel hungry And can sleep at night." Also there were many occasions where we only had Thick canned mushroom gravy over bread for supper. And we all were always being reprimanded For not eating everything on our plates Despite how canned-tasteless it was. "Eat your food", he'd say, "Think of all those starving kids in Europe." ~ (After World War II There were many starving children in Europe.) ~

7. While we never went hungry These experiences engrained in me A revulsion or guilt about wasting food. So now when I am offered newly cooked food And would love to have it I look for leftovers that the others won't touch. Just like those who experienced The ravages of war, economic or financial depression Or other hard times It molds them, for life. 8. Despite my salivating over what the others are having And the snickers and jokes about my eating habits I eat the leftovers − Which comes from the discipline instilled in me During the "not-so-good-times" growing up Which they may never come to understand. . 9. And it is my hope for them That they will never come to understand By having them learn The way that I learned. *****

Ready For Inspection 11-2-2021 Everything's done and I'm ready for death. _____ 1. I've always wanted to have things Neat, orderly and taken care of And that holds true right up to now As I'm lying here on my deathbed. 2. As I wait for the angel to take me I feel good that All the bills are paid up My room is neat and clean My legal papers are current And that my mother − Looking down from above − Would be relieved in knowing That I have clean underwear on. 3. I am ready for death: Content that in military-like attention to detail All is "Ready for inspection!"

4. But then I have a panic attack Thinking that maybe not all is ready And that I might have overlooked something. 5. So I turn quickly and look bug-eyed out the window And see with great relief That yes, thank God, the grass is cut And yes, the bushes are trimmed. 6. Yes, all is taken care of And I'm ready And can go in peace. *****

The Sign Of The Cross 2-12-2021 Superstitions. _____ 1. A crucifix Will ward off and protect you From vampires and werewolves − So the superstition goes. 2. When I can't cope with life Or with myself − When my demons can't be dispelled − Out of an old habit Rather than a current belief I make the sign of the cross. ~ Superstitions die hard If ever. *****

Grace Period Expiration 5-8-2021 Making up for lost time. _____ 1. I often get dizzy after doing some strenuous work − Work that didn't used to be "strenuous." 2. I always prided myself in being physically strong And never "babying" myself Like seeing doctors for minor ailments Being confident that my body would be able to "Handle things." That philosophy worked for 78 years. 3. Now at 78 though, I'm beginning to see some signs That lead me to suspect That things have changed In that the time of my being more robust Than so many others my age May be coming to an end And that I'm falling into "the norm" Wherein my body just can't "handle things" Like they used to.

4. Yes, it looks like the "grace period" May be over for me And I should take a look at my bottle of life To see if the expiration date reads: "Expired." 5. And what's particularly worrisome is That fate may be playing catch-up And making up for lost time And that it's now: "pay-back" time. *****

Just Another Passenger Now 8-7-2021 Losing versus never having. ______ 1. When I was a partner in a prestigious accounting firm And got on a crowded elevator I could hear the shuffle of everyone Tightly backing up to give me a more generous berth As if I were an immortal of some kind. I could also sometimes hear someone say With a finger-pointing whisper, "He's a partner." 2. But those days are long gone. And so when I get on an elevator now No one moves more than a courtesy inch − The indistinguishable and necessary inch That they give to everybody. 3. But as I stand there all squeezed together I remember how it was During that privileged period of time in my life And still can hear that whisper, "He's a partner." Losing something is sometimes worse Than never having it. ***** 44

Stains 10-23-2021 Some things are indelible. _____ 1. I got angry at her And she got hurt by it. But after a while I apologized And she forgave me And we reconciled. 2. But even so I felt she never forgave me fully Because like stains, hurts are indelible And can never be fully removed. 3. And even though others can't see them You can Because you know they're there And where to look. *****

Flies 4-25-2021 Not taking it personally. _____ 1. You angrily swat at the flies Over and over again − So many times that they are quite aware That they are hated and that you and everybody else Would like to kill them all. 2. Swat, swat, swat and swat again But they always get away. And swat after swat They return undeterred. 3. Even after all those attempts to kill them They don't get dissuaded, fear stricken or demoralized And defiantly keep coming back As fresh and as bold as ever. 4. And why is that? How can they do that? It's simply because They don't take it personally. ***** 46

The Vigil 11-5-2021 Aging: A nightly vigil. _____ 1. It's getting close to my time. I know it And I can feel it. 2. Each night When I go to bed I'm afraid That I won't wake up in the morning. 3. So I stay awake As long as I can In Vigil To guard against the angels Who may be waiting to take me As soon as I doze off. 4. But sooner or later Sleep will overtake me And I'll be theirs. ***** 47

An Invasive Species 5-12-2021 We are an invasive species. _____ 1. We came out of Africa And rapidly moved throughout the world. 2. In time we dominated all living things, big and small And consumed much of the planet's resources. 3. Oh, what an invasive species we are. *****

Where Did They Go? 5-11-2021 A nightly worry. _____ 1. Where did my Mom and Dad go When they died? And when my sisters, Enid and Christine, died? And when Big Richie died? And when my friends passed away? Where did they all go? This is what both worries and scares me − That there is a place to go That may be worse than here Where accountability may be the rule. 2. I worry for the day that I won't wake up From this life But will wake up In another. 3 At 78 and so near the end of my expected life When I turn out the lights and lie in my bed at night − This is what I think and worry about: Where will I go? ***** 49

Removing Opportunity 4-25-2021 What we have to focus on. _____ 1. Oh those 7 deadly sins of: Greed, envy, gluttony, lust, pride, sloth and wrath − How can we fight them? The combinations of praying, doing good deeds And being afraid of damnation help But are not very effective. 2. What we rather have to do Is to focus on the right thing: Removing the fertile breeding ground of sin i.e. Opportunity. 3. No sin can occur If there isn't Opportunity. *****

The Truth And The Untruth 5-12-2021 Will there ever be a reconciliation? _____ 1. The truth hits an honest man the hardest Whereas a liar never feels a thing. 2. Also, justice Is never served evenly. 3. Will there ever be a reconciliation That makes up for those differences? *****

Without A Mother 1-13-2021 It gets worse with each passing year. _____ 1. I miss my Mother More now than when she died For having just turned 17, I didn't have long enough To fully understand or appreciate What I had lost In losing a mother. 2. By inference though I first began to see the effect that it had on me As I saw the crushing effect it had on my father. And each year thereafter I saw the hole in me Get bigger and bigger. 3. Without a mother, I didn't have That special and unique mother-and-son relationship. And what made it more difficult was the fact That I didn't have compensating father-and-son relationship To absorb, offset or mitigate its deflating effects. The lonely mucus bite of losing a mother Held me in its mouth.

4. My compass needle spun one way then the other Giving me no fixed or steady direction. "Where was North?", I asked Not even knowing what North was And how important it was. 5. With each maturing year I learned the hard way what it was to be without her. Be it a birthday, birth, graduation or promotion celebration I learned how sad and obvious her absence was. I often didn't want to celebrate, for missing her. "What's to celebrate if the most important person can't be there"? 6. Although I have a vague image and feeling About having a mother It's something that I've learned enviously and second hand From watching others with their mothers 7. I know very little about What it's like to have a mother And sadly more about what it's like Not to have one More and more with each reflective year. It's a hollow life And one without color. *****

Ahead Of Schedule 5-25-2021 Waiting for death. _____ 1. He's gotten all his affairs in order And said all of his goodbyes to the ones he loved. He's ready, but the disease is taking longer than he expected. He's ahead of schedule in his preparations But the disease seems to be lagging behind. 2. He's finished everything that he had in progress And won't start anything new, thinking that It will in all likelihood not get finished. 3. He sits in his chair Looking around the room and out the window And off and on he reads or watches TV. But it's just torturously idle and anxious time Waiting for death to shut things down And finish things off. 4. It's never good To be too much ahead of schedule.. ***** 54

Still In The War 8-12-2021 The war that will never be over. _____ 1. The commercial jet liners roar overhead And he instinctively ducks and or hunches down Because what he hears are the screams of the fighter jets And the explosion of the bombs that followed. And after they pass He sheepishly and self-consciously looks around Hoping that no one noticed him "taking cover." 2. As they scream overhead His garden lawn becomes a rice paddy And the border trees become the edges of the jungle Filled with the hidden enemy That used to be in them. 3. Although they are friendly planes now And there is no war He's still in the one he was in And the one that he'll always be in. ***** 55

Hedging My Bets 8-17-2021 My position with respect to religion. _____ 1. Lord As you look over your assembled flock Look way far in the back And a little bit outside of the pack And you will see me In the blurry and squinting distance. 2. Not being a true believer I've always been hesitant to join the flock So as not to be labeled a hypocrite. Never being strong enough to say I'm either a believer or a non-believer I was a waffling off-and-on believer − One day being a believer and the next day not − And sometimes being both at the same time! 3. Lord, If you do exist Can you ever have mercy On someone who never got off the fence? − On someone who never had the courage to make a decision But rather who was always just hedging his bets? ***** 56

The "Failure" 7-16-2021 An EMS's lament. _____ 1. He did his best at the scene But the victim died anyway. Although the victim didn't have a chance The EMS worker took it personally And second guessed all the things that he had done. 2. Over and over he reviewed all the steps that he had taken As well as those he hadn't And found that he had done the best that he could have done Under the circumstances − But even so He felt that somehow He had failed. 3. He couldn't concentrate on anything during the day Or get any sleep at night Always feeling guilty. That's the unforgiving problem with those who have Both a heart and a conscience. ***** 57

His Recovery Room 8-6-2021 His (my) refuge. _____ 1. The house was a wreck with beds unmade Clothes not put away and strewn all over Cluttered dressers, desks, tables and countertops Drawers bulging and busting at the seams Uneven blinds and curtains Boxes stuffed under all the tables leaving no leg room Cabinets so full that there was no shelf space left And things stuck in the all the corners And against every wall in every room. 2. These conditions frustrated and depressed him And drove him crazy As he was a neat and organized person. 3. His only refuge was his room Which was neat, organized and uncluttered Where everything was aligned and had its place In tight, no-slack, military manner. And there he'd sit at the end of the day Decompressing from the traumas of the house around him Thankful that he at least had His recovery room. ***** 58

Self Punishment (On Me And My Father) 8-7-2021 I don't deserve to receive any more than I gave. _____ 1. I never asked my father about his ailments Or about his worries. And with respect to helping with things around the house He rarely asked for help And because he was so difficult to work with And preferring to do things himself and in his own way. I never asked if he needed any help. 2. So when my kids don't offer to help me With respect to taking care of the house and grounds Even when it's evident that I'm struggling in my old age I calm my hurt and disappointment − Right or wrongly − With the self-punishing thought that I don't deserve Anymore more than what I gave My father. *****

Me By Default 8-7-2021 Responsible for the irresponsible. ______ 1. When I was in public accounting We'd all go out drinking after work. And although we all had about The same amount to drink The others would become Belligerent, rowdy and incoherent And often fall-down/pass-out drunk. 2. For me though, I was always in much better shape − Relatively speaking. But therein lay the ruse: Having the appearance of still being sober − Or soberer − even if just by a nose − I was the one that everyone turned to As the one to be responsible and accountable For whatever rowdiness there was to be accountable for in the group. And because of their obvious incoherency They were "exonerated" and "off the hook." 3. I was the always the one who was tagged "it" and left holding the bag And the one who had to deal with the sober reality of things By default. ***** 60

Second-Chance Time 8-10-2021 How things could have gone. _____ 1. No matter how bad or disappointing things may seem now They are so much better than they would have been Should I have stayed on the path I was on in my youth − The path that just in a matter of time Would have gotten me thrown in jail And saddled with a criminal record. 2. So no matter how much I complain about The misfortunes I have to deal with today I sober up and check my whining with the thought Of where I could and would have been Had things gone differently earlier in my life. 3. Today I'm living on second-chance time And grateful for every minute of it And thanking my lucky stars for it. *****

Smoking 5-29-2021 Just a matter of time. _____ 1. He'd given up cigarettes Almost 50 years ago Yet he still missed smoking. In fact he always carried toothpicks In his shirt pocket And often held them between his fingers As he would a cigarette. And when no one was looking He'd take a slow and thoughtful drag on it Held it in for a while And then exhaled with satisfying pleasure. 2. Cigarettes were the mistresses he gave up But that he never forgot And always thought about.

3. Tonight was especially tempting to him − To have a cigarette − As the house was empty and he was alone And the open porch was cool and quiet Except for the sounds of the insects That surrounded him. 4. Giving up smoking early in life made good sense For why risk getting cancer that would possibly ruin your life? But now at age 78 He said to himself, "What's the risk? And having already had a long and healthy life And with not much more of it left Why not indulge a little?" 5. And with that as a backdrop His desire for a smoke consumed him. So he sat down in his rocking chair on the porch And took out a cigarette Caressed it with his fingers Raised it ceremoniously to his lips And with a slight, no-turning-back explosion of light, lit it And took that long-delayed and satisfying draw Which was both personal and intimate.

6. He so much enjoyed everything about his smoke: The soft glow of its burning tip That would brighten and dim In a personal, slow, soft and alternating rhythm As he drew on it. He also watched the random imagery of the smoke As it took on so many magical shapes. 7. But his smoking that night Was all in his mind As he never actually lit up. But he still dreamed of the time when he would Which would be Just a matter of time And at his age That time was coming soon. And what's the risk? *****

Free And Clear 10-22-2021 Everything comes with a caveat. _____ 1. When I met her The sun got brighter The moon became more magical And the stars more crystalline. 2. But at the same time There came an eerie feeling That confused that initial poetry. 3. The clear ring of a bell was muffled The sharp image, blurred A gift, about to be taken back A fearless love, in doubt. 4. Can't anything for me be taken at face value Or come without some reservation Or with no strings attached? Won't anything ever come to me Free and clear? ***** 65

Einstein's Theories Of Relativity 10-23-2021 Someday I may understand them, but probably not fully. _____ 1. I love to read books on science Especially about physics and cosmology. I'm a frustrated scientist. 2. Although I don't understand all the complex issues I read I enjoy reading about them No matter how mindboggling they may be. The fact that they are so mindboggling Is what makes them So stimulating and captivating. For me they are like magic shows: Where although I don't understand how all the tricks are done I still enjoy the show. 3. One of my favorite physic's topics Is Einstein's theories on relativity − Both Special and General.

4. I read after book on these subjects And with each reading I understand a little more. But by the same token I often come away with many additional questions That makes me wonder of I'm making any progress at all. Each time the mirror clears It fogs up again. 5. It is my hope that someday I will understand More than I don't About Einstein's theories on Relativity − If I should live so long. 6. So with that being said And at my age It's a race against time With the odds stacked against me. *****

Writing Versus Speaking 5-29-2021 Learning the hard way. _____ 1. You think you're safer When you write than when you speak Because you can better think before you write And can change it any number of times Before it's finalized and delivered. But in speaking You often don't have that luxury For once it's said, it's said and done. 2. Writing often gives you false comfort In that even if what you write sounds OK to you − Soft, diplomatic and neutral − It is often replete with unintended sarcasm or innuendo That the reader senses or interprets. 3. Putting things in writing is like carving things in stone And therefore hard to correct or take back. There is a sense permanency to them.

4. On the other hand, with speaking You can usually sense any negative reaction And make an immediate corrective or mitigating clarification Which you can't do with writing. 5. Be very careful when you write As it may be more detrimental than you think. Believe me As I've learned the hard way. *****

Timing Is Everything 4-10-2021 Getting out in time. _____ 1. Life is filled with financial and personal tragedies That randomly befall you And during my life I've had my share of them. 2. Now at my age of 77 I'm close to the end of my life − The end of the game − So close that I can see the goal line. And with the ball in my hand I'm hoping I can get across that line Before encountering another Financial or personal life-altering disaster. 3. So as with the weather I keep my eye on the sky Looking to see if any storm clouds are forming And hoping that I'll beat any approaching storm For timing is everything. ***** 70

My Judas 2-12-2021 A torturous foreboding. _____ 1. I can take a lot of physical pain Which is my strength. But I can't take much psychological pain Which is my weakness And the chink in my armor. 2. I'm in constant fear for the time When that Judas will betray me − Where my Achilles heel will be hit And confirm to myself And to others My failings, at a minimum Or my fraud, at the maximum. 3. This Trojan-horse fear Of the exposition of the man I am not Looms outside the fortress gates Waiting for its time − A time that I hope never comes. ***** 71

A Reading Companions 1-12-2021 Loneliness relieved. _____ 1. He was an old man now And with all his friends and family Either gone or passed away He was all alone in the world 2. Each night he'd sit in his armchair With his glass of wine And read by lamplight. Except for that little lamp-lit corner The entire room was dark And very quiet. 3. It was a lonely ritual But once in a while it was broken up By a little slow-moving fruit fly − Not like those fast and annoying house flies − That was probably attracted by the wine and the light. He enjoyed watching that silent little moving black dot Contrasted against the white pages of his book As it passed by.

4. That little fly was his little distraction − A little life that provided him some company And didn't make him feel so darn lonely. And whenever it arrived he was glad to see it Enjoying how − Like a little airplane − It maneuvered around him Silently banking, diving and circling. 5. That little companion fruit fly Rather than an annoyance Was always a welcomed sight. 6. On most nights however no fly came Leaving him to read alone With no one or no thing To keep him company − The same old, same old But maybe tomorrow? *****

My Little Farm Girl (On Vi) 2-1-2021 Unspoiled. _____ 1. Vi is not a prima donna And makes the best of things from what she has And does so without complaint or discouragement. Nothing is "below her." 2. Coming from humble farm-girl roots And having to do such demanding and primitive things as: Walking a mile to collect water Tending to and feeding the farm animals Doing the household chores of cooking and cleaning Not having electricity, plumbing or running water until late in life And, being the eldest, taking care of her 6 younger brothers There was no room for any airs or pretense. ~ She's my unspoiled little farm girl. *****

Quantity Versus Quality Of Life 3-3-2021 A story based on a conversation I had with my Uncle Artie. _____ 1. I remembered the time I visited my 85+ year old Uncle Artie Who was dying in the hospital from cancer And when the conversation turned to talking about health issues. 2. After a while discussing About what foods are good And what foods are bad for your health My uncle, who had difficulty talking in any audible volume Signaled me to come closer to him And when my ear was close to his mouth He said: 3. "Neil, my doctor told me That it wasn't healthy for me to eat chocolate. So, for 25 years, I didn't eat chocolate. But my advice to you is: 'Eat the chocolate.' "

4. The message was clear to me: Which is more important?: Depriving yourself for long periods of time during your life Just to gain a few more years of life at the end? Might it be better To indulge in a little vice And enjoy life Than deprive yourself so much And not enjoy life at all? This is the choice we all have to make. ~ It's the little things in life that are important Including little vices. *****

To All The Girls I've Dated 10-30-2021 Apologetically reflecting on the past. _____ 1. To all the girls I've dated I'm sorry − For having at times taken advantage of you For my own lustful purposes And for how I might have sometimes treated you Or used you Depending how you look at it. 2. When I was a young professional Working my way to the top In the New York City professional world With an expense account and all It was euphoric And I was kind of proud of myself Or full of myself Depending how you looked it. After all, I was just a kid from Brooklyn Who was still shaking off his low self-esteem roots And was now a different person In a world that I never imagined existed Or that I'd ever have access to. . 77

3. Although I never forced myself on them All the girls I met, dated and bedded I many times did with less concern for how they felt For it was just "good times" for me And the macho and normal thing to do. I didn't have the maturity To see beyond or deeper than that. There was no malice involved Just unthinking youthful ignorance And a focus on what I wanted. 4. Now that I'm in my more reflective years I often think of what damage I might have done − For having deluded them − Or possibly having caused them to develop An unhealthy mistrust of men − Or possibly scaring them in ways I don't even know. 5. So as I review my life I am bowed with guilt, regret and remorse For whatever damage I may have done to these girls − To their minds and hearts − Because of my youthful and selfish pleasure. 6. I often wonder where these girls are now And who they've become And whisper to them − "I'm sorry." ***** 78

Coloring Within The Lines 11-2-2021 A sign of perfection, or otherwise? _____ 1. Does God only walk A straight path? Or does He occasionally Step off the line? 2. Does He only color Within the lines? Or is he not concerned at all With borders? 3. Are deviations signs of imperfection? Or of perfection? *****

Pending Shutdown? 11-4-2021 Aging and feeling older. _____ 1. Lately and increasingly so Even after only a little exertion − Like walking up an incline or climbing some stairs − I feel a shortness of breath And a bit of tightness in my chest. 2. I am aging and don't have the stamina That I had before. The health and resilience that I had held onto for so long And that was well beyond the capacity of many others Has slipped away from me and irretrievable. The machine is showing signs of wear and tear And signs of nearing its expected and useful life. 3. At any time there could be an sudden And unannounced shutdown. Am I ready for that? Is anyone? *****

My Judgment 11-4-2021 Will I have a fair trial? _____ 1. When I pass away I wonder how I'll be judged. Will all the factors be taken into account Or just the sensational and scandalous ones? 2. Judge me thumbs down, for my harshness And my temper which ignites with the smallest spark. Though I don't attribute that all to my genes They do however play the biggest part, I believe. 3. And maybe, just as in the case of my father My temperament might be the most frequent and lively topic When my name comes up at family gatherings. And although I can't blame anyone for that I hope that what will also come up will be other things − Other than those tabloid headlines about me which include My work ethic up through and including my old age, My financial diligence in taking care of my family's welfare And for my personal endeavors In music, poetry, journalism, writing and art And my avocations of camping, traveling Sailing and reading.

4. And how will the math go down? How will each factor be weighted? Will they be weighted accurately Or more toward the tabloid headlines? Will my grade be a passing or a failing one? 5. And if I had a jury trial Would I get a fair trial? How long will the jury be out? Will it be a unanimous verdict For or against? Or will it end in A hung jury? 6. Even though I care about the results The results will mean nothing In the scheme of the Universe. So why should I worry? − Because it's personal. *****

Violent Dreams Again 11-10-2021 Another active and damaging dream. _____ 1. I woke up from my sleep in a shock From a loud noise − The sound of something Crashing onto the floor. 2. When I collected myself And sorted out my groggy thoughts I saw that I had knocked a few things Off my night table With a broad sweeping motion of my arm That came violently flying out of my dream And into my real life − Violent enough to even bruise my hand. 3. So many of my dreams are like that − Physical and violent So the fact that I sleep alone Is good for everyone's safety Except for my own, that is. ***** 83

A Brown Nose Or A Robin? 11-14-2021 Perception and reality. _____ 1. When I was in the business world I had a favored relationship with my boss − Tom Carroll − And often wondered if people thought That I was a brown nose. 2. Tom was a charismatic and smooth talker. He was also movie-star good looking and a lady killer. Further he was very smart, classy and influential And an impeccable and stylish dresser. He was a mover and a shaker And people naturally and irresistibly gravitated to him Wanting to be on his good side And do his bidding. 3. Somehow he took a liking to me. In some ways I could see why: We were both officers in the Navy We were Irish (he was 100% and I was 50%) We were both bachelors, drinkers and girl-chasers And both of us had sailboats and loved to sail. 84

4. However in other ways we were different: I was just a kid from Brooklyn With a give-away Brooklyn accent Rough around the edges And in no way could come close To matching all his superior qualities. 5. But as I said, somehow he took a liking to me And took me under both his corporate and personal wing. We became working and drinking buddies. And for whatever reason he confided in me About almost everything: All his troubles and worries Both business and personal. I was his Irish Mafia consigliore And he'd call me whenever he needed to talk Or needed advice − my advice. Why he felt so comfortable calling me And seeking my advice Was always a mystery (and an honor) to me − Me − just a kid from Brooklyn. 6. I never lobbied for my special and envious position. I never asked or angled for it. I never did anything special or flattering to gain his favor. On the contrary, I was rather straight, direct and up-front And often critical of him with my advice Which maybe he found to be honest and refreshing. Whatever were the underlying reasons and dynamics We just became buddies.

7. Anyway, Not only did I wonder what he saw in me − Just a kid from Brooklyn − I also wondered As mentioned before If the others thought I was Some sort of brown nose. 8. I was not a Brown nose For he was the one who took me in under his wing And elected to be my corporate godfather. He was the leader And I was his faithful and loyal follower. He was the King and I was his loyal subject. He was the front man and I was the sidekick. He was the Cisco Kidd and I was Poncho He was the Lone Ranger and I was Tonto. He was Superman and I was Jimmy. He was Batman and I was Robin. 9. That was it. And the reason we might have joined forces Was that maybe it was just the fact That we had the right combination Of similarities and differences Where the chemistry was just right. And we just complemented each other naturally.

10. Even though we had a falling out In the years before his untimely death I still think of the special relationship we had. He wasn't even what I'd call, my "best friend." It was rather something else − Something hard to put your finger on. Something that was not fully definable Nor needing any definition For if it were definable It might take the magic out of it. 11. If you try to define things too precisely You often destroy the very thing you're trying to define. If you were to fully explain the Batman and Robin relationship You might just destroy the relationship itself And not have a Batman and Robin any more. 12. Suffice it to say that Tom and I Complemented each other in some unique way. He was the Ying and I was the Yang. He was Batman And I was Robin Which had nothing to do with Brown-nosing But rather, Chemistry. *****

Swashbuckling Duels 2-3-2021 The Hollywood version. _____ 1. Unlike the lengthy and graceful sword duels That you see in the movies The real sword duels are short and ugly Usually taking less than a minute. 2. With one poor defense Or one lucky thrust It is bloody and over with Before you know it And even before you get out of breath Or work up a sweat. 3. Preceding that final and fatal saber stroke Is a series of awkward and panicky Inaccurate and undisciplined 'roud-house Braun-over-brain motions Not unlike what you'd see between two drunks.

4. Out of a hundred text book attacks and defenses You'd be lucky to see any of them. Rather it would be an ugly amateurish show And nothing that you could call Graceful, disciplined or skilled. 5. And if the duel doesn't end in death It ends in a Bloody, ugly and often crippling cut Which you will never see in the movies. 6. Such a long and tragic review For such a short and poor performance. *****

The Weather And The Road 2-10-2021 It wears on you. _____ 1. You can never avoid Bringing the weather or the road In with you. 2. No matter how much you shake yourself off You will always have on you The dust, brambles, rain and mud of your travels. You will always have the remnants Of the weather and the road. 3. And it's just the same With respect to your past. *****

2:30am 3-31-2021 Aging. _____ 1. I got up to go to the bathroom And in the darkness I saw the white-yellowish fuzzy glow of my clock Illuminating "2:30 am". 2. At the age of almost 78 I stared at it and thought to myself, "How many more 2:30's Do I have left in life? Although there are an unlimited number of 2:30s − "How many 2:30s do I have left?" 3. So sitting on the edge of my bed I stared at and studied the clock In a surreal out-of-body sort of way Ominously thinking that at my age of 78 I may be staring at My last 2:30. ***** 91

A Bad Paint Job 10-16-2021 A fear of how I'll be viewed. _____ 1. I never mastered the technique of: "How to win friends and influence people" But at times rather the opposite: "How to turn people off." Rather than endear people I often alienate them. It's my personality that is the unruly culprit. It's the cross that I've had to bear. My quick temper and defensive sensitivity Have often been equal contributors. 2. So when I die I fear that all the good things that I've done Might be overshadowed by my often unbecoming veneer. No matter how well a house is built It will never overcome a bad paint job.

3. I've always believed that "All's well that ends well" And that "All's bad that ends bad." So my fear is that While I'll hear some kind words spoken for me On my death bed in the last hours of my life I fear that they will be rote and with little emotion in them And that I'll feel the grasps of hands holding mine But that they will be loose, cold and brief. 4. I also feel that when I look up at my well wishers I will see an emptiness in their eyes And feel their awkwardness at being there And that they're only there To discharge their goodbye "obligations" And their anxiousness to "Just get it over with" Feeling that their goodbyes will be little more than "Going through the motions." 5. I have always feared that I will as always be Misunderstood and miss-appreciated And that I share responsibility for that result Because of my nature and personality. And I also have a tandem fear That I will die feeling that I have failed in life.

6. Though these foretelling feelings are probably accurate And there's little evidence that things will miraculously turn around I keep hoping for that "Hail Mary" pass In the last moments of my game When my projected legacy might reverse itself And be viewed more objectively. But if it doesn't come I'll take comfort in the fact That at least the game is finally over. 7. Another sad thing that I feel may befall me Is that through the positive combination of Working hard all my life and for as long as I could And saving as much as I could to leave my loved ones I ironically may have made myself worth more dead than alive. 8. All this taken together leads me to believe That sadly it won't take long For them to get over my passing. 9. So as I approach the end of my life These are my disappointing fears All because I didn't have a good paint job. And in an another twist of irony Whatever painting I tried to do I just painted myself into a corner With no painting out of it. *****

Where Has It Gone? 10-18-2021 Age has taken the shine off things. _____ 1. I look out my window And see the bright moon And the crystal stars twinkling Against the endless black of the heavens. But in my old age That's all that I see and feel Unlike what I used to see and feel. 2. I don't feel the beauty, romance, wonder and poetry Of these things That I used to when I was young. Where has all that gone? It's been taken away and smothered by age And replaced by a sort of cynicism And a lackluster struggling future And vision of the end of things for me. *****

Keeping My Distance 10-12-2021 The ugliness of life is in the details. _____ 1. Everything looks beautiful When viewed from a distance − Everything looks organized and peaceful When viewed from afar Because from afar You never see all the ugliness − All the sweat, struggle and betrayals That are hiding in the details. 2. A face too, is only beautiful When viewed from a distance For up close, you see to your disillusionment All the pock marks, hairs, and puss-filled pimples That are in the close-up details of that Thought-to-be beautiful face. 3. With that in mind And to shelter my over-sensitivities I try as best as I can Not to get too close, and even ignore, the details in life. I just try to keep my distance For that's the only way I can bear through it all. ***** 96

The Birds Of Winter 11-23-2021 Thanks to the little sparrows and wrens. _____ 1. It's getting close to winter now And most of the fair weather birds have left Except for the little sparrows and wrens Who always stick around. 2. Thank god for those hardy little creatures As, if it weren't for them, There would be nothing live and cute to look at Outside our Winter windows Other than those rough and tumble rodent squirrels That are always about − But just not as cute.. 3. As we look out our kitchen window Nice and warm We watch those little birds pecking at everything Looking and testing for food. I often wonder how many pecks it takes on average Before they find a morsel.

4. Using my own anatomy as a comparison I also often wonder how they can walk around With their skinny bare legs without freezing! And more so How they can bear the cold wind under their wings As they fly about Knowing how brutally cold it would feel Under my arm pits! 5. Putting those technicalities aside I'm just so happy that they're around To brighten my spirits by giving dead Winter A little more life By their darting and feathery presence. ~ Thank God for little things. *****

Pity The Living (On Veterans Day) 11-11-2021 The dead are not the ones hurting. _____ 1. In war They focus on the number who have died As a measure of its carnage. But the real carnage should be measured By who were wounded and have survived. 2. Grieve less for the dead And more for the wounded living. The dead are dead And for them the war and the pain is over. But for the living Another war − A more personal war − And a prolonged period of pain Has just begun 3. Feel sorry for the dead But feel more sorry for the wounded living Who have all their painful lives ahead of them to face. ***** 99

Crutches 11-10-2021 An omen. _____ 1. When I went into my bedroom Something caught my eye − Peripherally. It was a set of crutches Leaning against the wall. Although she hadn't said anything Vi must have put them there For me to store them in the attic. 2. I must say that even though I'm not a superstitious person My first thought was that it was an omen − That I may one day be a cripple. 3. Our superstitions were instilled in us Over millions of years So it will take millions of more years Before we can eliminate them. ***** 100

Safely In My Armchair 2-12-2021 My nightly routine. _____ 1. At night I sit in my armchair And read my book While snacking on chips, cookies or cheetos And sipping a glass of wine. 2. And after I'm all snacked out And tired from reading I turn off one of my two reading lamps And sit in the room's mellow light Sipping my wine Thinking, planning, worrying and wandering through The myriad of alleyways and tributaries That my mind takes me to. 3. Having navigated through another day − Through its people and its problems − I sit tucked in my armchair Feeling safe − Except for thinking about tomorrow. ***** 101

White Out 12-4-2021 Aging. _____ 1. He's an old man now, alone and by himself But prides himself in still being able To take care of himself and the house. But it's not easy, both physically and mentally. It's physically painful for him to even move around And he has to take frequent breaks from whatever he does. And mentally he has to psych himself up Into thinking he can still do it and it's still worth the effort. 2. He can no longer take on big maintenance projects around the house Even though they're needed. And he can't clean as thoroughly as he once did Even though that's needed as well. And everything he does now is in slow motion And at the minimal level of effort. He remembers how repulsed he was When he visited his elderly relatives And saw how uncleanly they were And how much disrepair their homes were in. But now he understands.

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3. And now when someone comes to visit him He's embarrassed knowing What an irrelevant and awkward relic He and the house must look like And the revulsion they might feel about his conditions. Oh, if only he could mask it Or better yet transform things Into something more acceptable. But unfortunately Life's not so accommodating. 4. While still driven by his nature to be neat and clean And to keep his house in good repair He just couldn't do it like he used to. So all he can do is the best that he can Which becomes less and less with each passing year. When he dusts, he just gets the dust That he can see and reach. When he vacuums, he just does the open areas As he can't or won't move any furniture. And when he sees a chip in the white wood trim He doesn't do the sanding and painting that should be done But rather just gives it a dab of white-out. 5. In his old age he no longer has that former Ability or motivation that he used to have But he'll do whatever he can To make things more presentable Even if it means occasionally using a little white out As opposed to doing nothing. *****

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No "Thanks" 12-6-2021 Feeling bad about no "Thanks." _____ 1. I gave them a gift for the baby But they never said, "Thanks." Not a verbal "Thank You" Not a "Thank You Card" Not a "Thank You Nod of Recognition." I felt a little hurt about that − Actually more than, a little Because that's the way I was raised. 2. And even if my gift was silently appreciated Without a "Thank You" of some sort I'd never really know. Just a little "Thank You" out of simple courtesy Would have been nice Because that's the way I was raised And I thought that I raised them That way too. *****

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Murdered 12-6-2021 Nothing left to live for. _____ 1. She was both my all And everything that I needed To get by in life And to save me from being swallowed whole By Life's emotionless pond of quicksand. She was my hope and my savior. 2. Losing her was bad enough But her being murdered Was a whole other thing. *****

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Just A Matter Of Time 11-19-2021 Waiting for the police come for me. _____ 1. I remember a period in my life When I was petrified That the police would find the body Of a person that I had murdered And put in the cement foundation Of an office building being constructed. I can to this day See the corner of that building And feel the full fear I had back then. 2. It was a dream − I think − But one that pushed itself into my real life And recurred over and over − Day after day And night after night. It was so real that I fully believed That it was just a matter of time Before the inevitable would occur Where they'd trace the murder to me And I'd be put in jail for life.

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4. Oh how I regretted having ever gotten For whatever lame reasons Into the criminal world that led to this And that would ruin my entire life. 5. My dream was all a throwback To my youthful criminal days in Brooklyn And how close I came to actually ruining my life. In my youth I had no real idea Of the dire and life-altering ramifications Of what I was doing The fear of which I didn't come to realize Until I was much older. 6. That realization and fear revisits me now In my older years Torturing me with that punishing dream So profoundly that it actually becomes real in my mind Where I feel that it really did happen − That I really did murder someone − And it would be just a matter of Not "if" they'd get me But rather "when" they'd get me. *****

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When One Door Closes 12-7-2021 How it works for him. _____ 1. For most it works this way: When one door closes, another door opens. But with him it's depressingly different in that: When one door closes, all the other doors close too. 2. When others look around They normally find that other open door Of hope and or opportunity Somewhere, somehow, someway. But not with him, for when a door shuts His low self-esteem takes it personally And his depression slams every other door Right in his face. 3. So there he will sit self-defeated In that dark, single, no-exit room All alone with his self-made demons Blocking all exits and entrances. This is way it is − For him. ***** 108

The Dog 12-7-2021 Man's best and only friend. _____ 1. He talks to his dog as if it were human. And if you were in an adjacent room listening You'd swear he was talking to another person Because for him For all intents and purposes It is. 2. He has no friends or relatives As he's out lived them all which Theoretically Is a good thing Until he realized that as a result He's now all alone in the world. 3. Oh, if only a dog's life were longer than a human's For his looming fear and heartbreak Is that he will also outlive his dog And he will truly be all alone Worse than before. ***** 109

Only 10 Years Out 12-6-2021 A modus operandi for planning. _____ 1. At my age of 78, going on 79 I have a life expectance of about 88 years If all goes well − If that's the way to say it. So I do and plan everything With that 10 year window of time in mind. 2. When I buy a shirt I buy one that will last only 10 years For why pay for a higher quality that will last More than 10 years. It's the same when buying a car − Why should I look for something that has A longer life expectancy than my own? That's my modus operandi these days. *****

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A Dog's Life 12-6-2021 Any way to treat man's best friend? _____ 1. Poor dogs − They can't tell us what they want or need. And they can't help themselves Because they're so dependent on us Their "slave" owners, who are euphemistically called Their "pet" owners. 2. With us we eat and drink whenever we're hungry or thirsty But with a dog it is only fed once a day Despite how hungry it may actually be. And with a sense of smell That is 40 times greater than ours How torturous that must be To watch and smell what we eat All throughout the day Right in front of it.. 3 And when we have to go to the bathroom, we go. But with a dog he has to hold it in − No matter how bad the need − Until we're ready to take him out for a walk.

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4. And while we converse, play and interact With other people The dog has no other dog to interact with. He is a captive among aliens Who look totally different and who speak A completely different language. 5. And whatever interaction there is Between its owner and the dog There is no doubt who the master is As the master predominantly speaks in a Commanding, reprimanding, derogatory or belittling manner: "Fido, don't do this!" and "Fido, don't do that!" How psychologically demoralizing that must be For any living creature. And it's not because we are mean people Or want to hurt the dog It' just because we are ignorant and don't realize That we still engage in the practice of slavery Under the name of "Pet ownership." 6. Yes, they get food without having to scavenge A warm house to sleep in And some loving attention here and there But what price do they pay for that? I feel sorry for all the captive and enslaved dogs of the world− And ask myself Is that any way to treat your best friend? ***** 112

Lucky And Unlucky 10-24-2021 A balanced dilemma. _____ 1. She has little sophistication. She lacks class and breeding. She doesn't have much of what would Turn a man's head and stir up his lust. But on the other hand she's grounded and sincere. With qualities that are not fleeting. 2. She's far from perfect But nothing's perfect in life And perfection is easily and quickly eroded. And whatever seems perfect Is usually an illusion And an irresistible target for corruption and decay. 3. Not having someone who's not perfect Makes him feel strangely conflicted: Feeling both lucky and unlucky Settled but unsettled Wanting more yet being strangely content. This dilemma keeps him up some nights But on the other hand He often sleeps like a baby. *****. 113

The Secret 10-18-2021 The secret that I'll have to keep. _____ 1. I'm not happy. I've never been happy. But that is, and always was, my fate − A fate driven primarily By my nature. 2. No matter how much it demands release I try to hold it in as best I can But there are cracks that evidence my condition. But I must not let the flood gates open For if I did, everyone around me and whom I love Might feel that it's somehow a reflection on them To say nothing about what it would do to my facade. 3. So I'll just have to take My pressure-cooker secret with me To my grave. It will be my secret in both life And in death − Except, through my writings. ***** 114

Back Again Full Circle 4-18-2021 I used to write for myself, then others, now for myself again. _____ 1. When I was young − Even as a little boy − I often felt depressed and inadequate And used to write poetry, for myself In an attempt to relieve my despair. 2. Then in my latter, youthful and middle years I began to feel better about myself And would write for writing's sake With the strained hope that maybe They would somehow resonate with others And gain some notoriety − But they never did. 3. And so here I am, now In my latter years Back full circle Writing poetry, for myself. *****

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Aren't There Enough Problems? 11-14-2021 A horn-blowing incident. _____ 1. Aren't there enough problems in the world With war and religious strife With the economic and financial difficulties Of trying to make ends meet With coping with our personal demons And certainly enough Without you blowing your horn behind me, lady Just because I didn't bolt Like a sprinter bolts from the block The very second that the light turned green? 2. Isn't there enough tension in the world Without you adding to it? Couldn't you make life a little easier For yourself and all of us? Couldn't you add a little positivism to life? Couldn't you just make A small but meaningful contribution Towards that end? Couldn't you give us and the world A little break? Haven't we all got enough problems Without you adding to them? ***** 116

Paraphrased Lines From The Bell Jar 1-2-2021 Inspired by Sylvia Plath's book, "The Bell Jar." Having a bent toward the melancholy myself, I identify with her deep emotional writings. Sylvia Plath was an American poet of the 1950s and 1960s who suffered from depression and ultimately committed suicide at age 30. She, in my opinion, like Shakespeare, has a unique way with words. _____ ~ I liked looking at people in crucial circumstances. ~ The silence depressed me − Not the silence of silence, but my own silence. ~ The city hung in my window flat as a poster Glittering and blinking But it might as well have not been there at all For all the good it did me. ~ The streets were gray and fuming with rain. ~ It left me limp like a wet leaf shivering all over. ~ The floor seemed wonderfully solid. It was comforting to know that I had fallen And could fall no further. ~ I wanted to crawl through those black lines of print The way you crawl through a fence. ~ 117

~ A million years of evolution and we are still animals. ~ Lovemaking in a whorehouse Under fly-spattered 25 watt bulb Was not what it was cranked up to be And as boring as going to the toilet. ~ I looked at him seductively under a fall of my hair. ~

As I lay in my hotel bed listening to the rain. It didn't even sound like rain But sounded like a tap running. ~ His face hung over me, near and huge like a distracted planet. ~

The face on the cover of the magazine beamed up at me bald and blank as the face of a fetus in a bottle. ~ Everything concave about him had suddenly turned convex. ~ I felt my lungs inflate with the inrush of scenery − air, mountains, trees, people. I thought, "This is what it is to be happy." ~ At my feet the city doused its lights in sleep, its buildings blackened, as if for a funeral. It was my last night. ~ Piece by piece, I fed my wardrobe to the night wind, And flutteringly, like a loved one's ashes The grey scraps were ferried off, to settle here and there − Exactly where I would never know In the dark heart of New York. ~

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~ I listened to the zombie voice leave its message. ~ The heroine of my book would be myself, only in disguise. She would be called Elaine. ~ I heard the whisper of her clothes as she undressed. ~ Words, dimly familiar but twisted all awry Like faces in a funhouse mirror, fled past Leaving no impression on the glassy surface of my brain. ~ I could see day after day after day glaring ahead of me Like a white, broad, infinitely desolate avenue. ~ I was being stuffed farther and farther Into a black, airless sack with no way out. ~ The only noise I heard was the tap, tap, tap Of the psychiatrist's pencil at the same point On the green blotter, like a stalled walking stick. ~ In Japan, they understand things of the spirit And disembowel themselves when anything goes wrong. ~ The figures around me weren't people But shop dummies, painted to resemble people And propped up in attitudes counterfeiting life. ~ Panther-like, in the dapple of tree shadows, it waits for me. ~ Every time I tried to concentrate, my mind glided off Like a skater, into a large empty space And pirouetted there, absently. ~

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~ I thought the most beautiful things in the world Must be shadows − A million moving shapes − A cul-de-sacs of shadows. ~ There were shadows in bureau drawers and closets and suitcases And under houses and trees and stones And in the backs of people's eyes And miles and miles of it On the night side of the earth. ~ The sea was a plate of bright blue with a dirty rim. A big round gray rock, like the upper half of an egg Poked out of the water. ~ I wondered at what point in space The silly, sham blue of the sky turns black. ~ Some of those babies in the jars of formaldehyde had gills. They went through a stage where they were just like fish. ~ That morning I tried to hang myself. ~ My grandmother's house had an attic where nobody ever went full of trunks and parrot cages and dressmakers' dummies and overhead beams as thick as a ship's timbers. ~ My symptoms tallied with the most hopeless of cases. ~ The more hopeless you were, the further away they hid you. ~ My gesture, in its small way, echoed the larger gestures of the doctors and nurses. ~

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~ A large, flabby lady from across the ward raked me with an eagle eye. ~ Soon people began to look at me the way the nurses did in the hospital. ~ My father had been a Lutheran in Wisconsin But Lutherans were out of style in New England And so he became a lapsed Lutheran Before he became an atheist. ~ Here and there the grave was rimmed with marble And looked like oblong bathtubs full of dirt. ~ The silence drew off, baring the pebbles and shells And all the tatty wreckage of my life. Then at the rim of my vision, it gathered itself And in one sweeping tide, rushed me to sleep. ~ The wind made an effort but failed. ~ I felt the darkness, but nothing else And as my head rose, feeling it, It felt like the head of a worm. ~ The boy looked at me As if I were some exciting new zoo animal. ~ He spoke to me slowly, the way one speaks to a dull child. ~ I looked around the crescent of fresh, strange faces with the lawn white with doctors. ~ I opened my fingers a crack, like a child with a secret. ~

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~ Wherever I sat − On the deck of a ship or at a street cafe in Paris or Bangkok − I would be sitting under the same glass bell jar Stewing in my own sour air. ~ They arranged a room for me at the asylum, all on a pretense. ~ I thought I must sound as phony as an echo chamber. ~ The doctor put her arm around me and hugged me like a mother. ~ The walls were bright, white lavatory tile With bald bulbs set at intervals in the black ceiling. Stretchers and wheelchairs were beached here and there against the hissing, knocking pipes that ran and branched in an intricate nervous system along the glittering walls. ~ I hung on the doctor's arm like death and every once in a while she'd give me an encouraging squeeze. ~ The bell jar hung, suspended, a few feet above my head. I was open to the circulating air. ~ We walked back together through the crunch of brown leaves. ~ "You will have shock treatments three times a week," she said. ~ She hung about me like a large and breathless fruit fly − as if the sweetness of recovery Was something she could suck upon by her mere nearness. ~

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~ Joan fascinated me. It was like observing a Martian or a particularly warty toad. ~ Gradually the suspicion that Catholics had X-ray eyes diminished and I grew easy. ~ The lady's red mouth moved, and the words that translated into white smoke floated up among the branches of the naked lilacs by the door. ~ Although I wasn't, the fake blood-stained bridal sheets proved that I was a virgin. ~ I smiled into the dark feeling that I was part of a great tradition. ~ It was past midnight, and the asylum was as quiet as death. ~ The packed snow creaked underfoot and everywhere I could hear a musical trickle and drip as the noon sun thawed icicles and snow crusts that would glaze again before nightfall. ~ Doctors and nurses and patients passing on adjoining paths seemed to be moving on casters cut off at the waist by the piled up snow. ~ *****

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Paraphrased Lines From Ariel 1-1-2021 These lines were paraphrased from Sylvia Plath's Pulitzer Prize winning book of poems, Ariel. _____ ~ Your reputation magnified your arrival. ~ The train leaves a line of breath behind it. ~ Your sour breath will vanish in a day But it will return. ~ Dying is an art like everything else And I do it exceptionally well. ~ He has an eye for the theatrical. ~ There is a charge for eying my scars. ~ Their sharp bright needles bring me numbness and sleep. ~ They have swabbed me of all my associations. ~ I am terrified by this dark thing that sleeps inside of me. ~ I gave away my smile that is now irretrievable. ~ 124

~ The toeless foot of the priest plumbs the well of his book. ~ The old man is slowly vanishing, unnoticed. ~ I met the ghost that guards the cemetery gate. ~ The soul is a virgin bride. ~ The bright light winces on and off like a terrible migraine. ~ He was like an unstrung puppet kicking to get away. ~ The candle flame finally recovers its form from the wind's assault. ~ Let the stars plummet to their darkest address. ~ Worry moves ahead like an incessant inch worm. ~ He was a face at the end of the flare. ~ We must count and record the dead before I bury them As we owe them that. ~ The moon drags the sea after it like a dark crime. ~ I am alive only by accident. ~ He was dying to say something unanswerable. ~ Every woman adores a fascist. ~ I was 20 when I first tried to die. ~

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~ The cripple jumped from the tower to end it all Solving his problem and making it easier for all. ~ A furnace of greed. ~ Blind, he could only finger for his food. ~ Snow has no voice. ~ He wore the smile of accomplishment. ~ *****

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Paraphrased Lines From The Colossus 1-1-2021 Inspired by the poems of Sylvia Plath in The Colossus. _____ ~ It had the incense of death. ~ As blameless as daylight. ~ Waving like reeds in the sea. ~ I have been stuck and fixed inside this parenthesis. ~ Manes in the wind. ~ The eyes of animals peering from the forest formed an area of yellow. ~ My hours are married to the shadows. ~ The bull bucked at the garden gate. ~ The king's once tidy acre is now under the sea. ~ These barnacle dead. ~

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~ Hag hands reach out and haul me in. ~ Compelled by calamity's magnet. ~ They were thin people of meager dimensions. ~ Oh how they prop each other up. ~ There was no pit or shallow to crawl into. ~ The words in his book wormed off its pages. ~ Who set the wasp, the wolf and the shark to work? ~ There was blood on the rose stem. ~ My hands were laced to each other. ~ This is the kingdom of the fading apparition. ~ It was the joint between two worlds. ~ He fell into the gizzard of the earth. ~ A gull holds his pose on a shanty ridgepole riding the tide of the wind. ~ The breeze ferried the smells of dead fish and tar. ~ Even our shadows were blue with cold. ~

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~ He was a relic of tough weather. ~ Each wave-tip glitters like a knife. ~ Age beats like the rain. ~ Blind twins bitten by bad natures. ~ Light is death to moles − They shrivel in it − They move about when I'm asleep. And with outsized hands they open paths Searching for appendages of food. ~ What happens between us happens in darkness. ~ March ice glazes the rocks. ~ The gods began one world and man another. ~ The statues stand their vigil in their gowns of stone and their shadows are long in the setting sun. ~ No frown of mine will betray the company I keep. ~ A pigeon rudders itself down. ~ Contrasted against the white-socketed stars. ~

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~ Oh how she longed for Winter now − Scrupulously austere in its order Of ice and rock and white and black All within sharply defined borders Unlike the vulgar bedlam of spring. ~ Summer is gone and the insects and animals are scant and skinny. ~ It is now time again for the sea to retract its tide. ~ There was no telling if he'd died a recluse or a suicide. ~ He was in the province and mode of a stuck record. ~ Our bodies flicker toward extinction. ~ With the liquor of indolence all things sink into the soft caul of forgetfulness. ~ Caddis worms drowse in their silk cases. ~ The puppets were loosened from their strings. ~ This is not death, it is something safer. ~ Escort me to the good company of Calvary. ~ It's a quarry of silence. ~ I suck on the nipples of darkness. ~

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~ This is the after-hell. ~ Amputations are done here − This hospital is the city of spare parts. Here, dead men leave their eyes for others. ~ I itch terribly as I mend. *****

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Paraphrased Lines From Crossing the Water 1-1-2021 Inspired by the poems of Sylvia Plath in Crossing the Water. _____ ~ They dissolve just like a series of promises. ~ The sand invites me to whiten my bones among them. ~ There is no life higher than the grass tops. ~ She is too delicate to be in such company. ~ The valley narrows into darkness as black as purses. ~ The house lights gleam like small change. ~ My grip and my fingers are hopelessly rheumatic. ~ The sea is whitened by the faces of the drowned. ~ The rocks hide their grudges under the water. ~ They were the leftover soldiers from old and messy wars. ~ They go up without hope like unheard sighs. ~

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~ It was a formless and bottomless sea. ~ For 5 days I lay in secret with the years draining in my pillow. ~ Faceless and pale as china. ~ The pond opens up to swallow me. ~ It was the knock of a small new heart. ~ The infinitesimal light of the stars. ~ The sky and I were in open conversation. ~ The shadows of the grasses inched around like the hands of a clock. ~ She lay in bed with me like a dead body. ~ While I still depend on her I'm collecting my strength So that one day I can manage without her. ~ Her child is dead, preserved in a pickling fluid with her mother near dead from distraction. ~ They are perfect in shape and number But yet their lungs won't fill and their hearts won't start. ~ She circles the prey she plans to kill. ~ A soul could pass another and never notice it. ~

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~ How shall I tell anything to an infant, still in a birth drowse. ~ He stayed put according to habit. ~ I poured myself out like a fluid. ~ Let them astound our hearts with their merits. ~ Nun-hearted and blind to the world. ~ The sun puts its cinder out. ~ Untouchable as tomorrow. ~ The glittery fictions of spilt water that glide ahead of the very thirsty. ~ A bright light announces the arrival of a new soul. ~ No gesture of yours or mine could catch their attention. They were like local trolls in the spell of a superior being. ~ Night seemed to arrive in one gigantic step. ~ Numb as a fossil. ~

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~ I am a mirror, I am not cruel, only truthful I am the eye of a god. I have looked into it long And think it is part of my heart. Faces and darkness separate us over and over. I am now a lake with a woman bending over me. Then she turns to those liars: the candles or the moon. In me, she has drowned a young girl And in me, an old woman rises toward her, day after day. ~ Mute as a mannequin; quiet as a diamond. ~ Old grievances joust each other. ~ Some things of this world are indigestible. ~ It multiplied to infinity, like angels on a pinhead. ~ A spider is like an eight fingered hand. ~ I do not want a plain box but rather a sarcophagus With a face on it round as the moon to stare up. I want to see them as they come for me. I see them already − the pale, star-distanced faces I imagine them without fathers and mothers Like the first gods And they will wonder if I was important. ~ My mirror is clouding over. ~

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~ Let the spotted leaves fall Without ceremony or portent. ~ We had a brief respite from fear. ~ Trekking stubbornly through this hard season. ~ That long wait for the angel − for that random descent. ~ After boarding the train there's no getting off. ~ That bawdy queen of death with her wormy couriers already at his bones. ~ October's the month for storage. ~ This is a dark house. ~ In this light, the blood is black. ~ Sickness begins here. ~ It's easy to blame the dark. ~ If I don't move around, I won't knock anything over. ~ I am lost in the robes of all this light. ~ The sea waves bow in single file never trespassing in bad temper. ~

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~ A woman is dragging her shadows in a circle. ~ The sea was flattened into a picture. ~ A drowned man crawled out of the sea Complaining of the cold. ~ Cold worlds shake from the oar. ~ The spirit of blackness is in us. ~ Stars open among the lilies. ~ This is the silence of astonished souls. ~ *****

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Paraphrased Lines From Johnny Panic and the Bible of Dreams 1-15-2021 Taken from a book of short stories, prose, and diary excerpts by Sylvia Plath's book Johnny Panic and the Bible of Dreams _____

~ I must write about the things of this world without glazing. ~ She struggled with the persistent refusal of her genius. ~ She had no hope of infiltrating that rooted society. ~ It was a sudden financial pounce. ~ The chill of the evening wore through their coats. ~ My childhood landscape was not the end of the land, but the cold salt, running hills of the Atlantic. ~ I'm a small sea captain tasting the day's weather which were battering rams at the seawall spraying grapeshot everywhere. ~ There was the hiss of rain on the pane and wind sighing trying the cracks of the house like keys. ~ 138

~ Like a deep woman, she hid a good deal with many faces and many delicate and terrible veils. ~ If it could court, it could also kill. ~ I have fallen into a new way of being happy. ~ My infant gills have taken over. ~ She remembered the shipwrecks and the townspeople poking among the waves as if one were in an open market. ~ I had been the center of a tender universe. ~ I lug my grudge − ugly and prickly as a sea urchin. ~ She wore the mascara of tar. ~ The stillness of the hills stifles me like fat pillows. ~ The wind rocked the house on its roots and objects were tossed about like crockery in a quarrel of giants. ~ My early years sealed themselves off like a ship in a bottle − inaccessible and obsolete. ~ As children, we weren't depressed with our condition as we left that to our parents. ~ An aerial altar cloth. ~ Lawyers have risen from the loins of coal heavers and doctors from the loins of dustmen − education was the answer. ~

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~ They diagnosed my problem − I was too dangerously brainy and without extracurricular tempering, I might snap myself into a void. I needed to be more well-rounded. ~ There was no uniform dress but that was the uniform. ~ I was assigned to a Big Sister, who systematically began to destroy my ego. ~ With all faces shaded, they became alike, and commerce became possible with complete strangers. ~ I was in a bone-still trance. ~ The new queen would kill the old queen. usually though, the old queen would swarm before the new queen hatched. ~ Her business is Time − the way it shoots forward, shunts back, blooms, decays and double-exposes itself. ~ With a poem there is a beginning and an end in one breath. It is concentrated − a closed fist. A novel however is relaxed and expansive With many meandering roads and detours − An open hand. ~ The door of the novel, like the door of the poem, also shuts But not as fast or with such manic, unanswerable finality. ~ Certain poems and lines of poetry seem as solid and miraculous to me as church altars or the coronations of queens. ~ His eyes were somewhere in space. ~ 140

~ Resemblances to loved ones is the height of praise. ~ His raucous breath came and went with great effort like an awful bird caught but about to escape. ~ The sudden sound splintered the stillness. ~ Breakups seldom happen right away but rather unfold slowly one little telltale symptom after another like some awful, hellish flower. ~ His headache withdraws to the far end of his awareness. ~ He saw himself as a widower: a hollow-cheeked, Hamletesque figure in somber suits, given to standing, abstracted, ravaged by casual winds on lonely promontories and at the rail of ships. ~ She has a simple pagan enthusiasm. ~ A woman could never be alone in peace − a solitary woman is always a walking invitation to all sorts of imprudence. ~ The little cave of light moving ahead of them seemed no match for the dark. ~ As steady and sure as taxes. ~ When one child talks a lot, the other turns inward and develops a sort of secret personality all her own. ~ The weed of crime bears bitter fruit. ~ Life is a tree of many limbs. ~

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~ The scents of warring perfumes. ~ Black spaces spoke of the hugeness and the indifference of the universe. Greening pricks of stars told her how little they cared. ~ She felt vulnerable as a sniper's target in enemy territory. ~ She heard the cockroach rustling in the cupboard and the spider knitting hexes across the well. ~ She's as crooked as a crab. ~ She had a thirst for scholarship. ~ Every now and then there comes a time when neutral and impersonal forces of the world turn and come together in a thunder crack of judgment. ~ My tolerant smile was a superior lie. ~ The smile that puts a benevolent lacquer on the shuddering fear of strangers. ~ I would rather be with a thesaurus in the desert than with a bible. ~ All I have done or said to others becomes only a rehearsal for you. ~ I found him just starring into the fire. ~ All love can dwindle in a moment of doubt the way the moon can eclipse the sun. ~ 142

~ I have a fear, as great as the fear of bearing a deformed child. ~ Yet there was that old primal hate − that desire to castrate the arrogant who become such children at the moment of passion. ~ His doubt would never let him have the chance to be strong. ~ A life is passing: my life. ~ People are always throwing dirty snowballs at me. ~ Why is it that men must always take the lead? ~ But I am foundering in relativity again. Unsure. ~ Frozen inertia is my worst enemy. ~ Enough romance − now get to work. ~ Lest I forget the moments of radiance I must get them down in print. ~ A hectic activity to cover up the fear that must face itself and duel itself to death. ~ My work hid under a pile of papers like a stillborn illegitimate baby. ~ It's all the warts and knobby knuckles that make up the very fabric of existence. ~ Full of drugs which battled and banged in my veins. ~ 143

~ I turn into a gargoyle that people will point at when I'm too long alone. ~ It stands out like a sagging hemline on a good dress. ~ The dialogue between my writing and my life. ~ What I fear most, is the death of imagination. ~ It is that shaping force which sprouts its own worlds with more inventiveness than god. ~ The poverty of life without dreams. ~ I always listen for footsteps coming up the stairs and hate them if they are not for me. ~ If only the sun would stop at the height of its strength and crucify the world devouring it once and for all. But the sun tilted, weakened and betrayed herself and slid down the sky until she felt again the everlasting rising of the night. ~ Oh the vulnerability and weakness of a sleeping form. ~ Even the sun shone far off in a shell of silence. ~ She tried to kill herself but cursed the dumb instinct in her body to go on living. ~ The snow-covered mountains bulked hugely through the irrevocable dark. ~ Moving out of the soft darkness into the glare of light. ~ 144

~ The very room seemed to take offense at this open insolence. ~ There was a sudden brightening outside and the room seemed to expand in the fresh light. ~ She could hear the thunder of his heart and the pulse of blood in his veins, like the sound of wild horses galloping. ~ The swollen and black clouds broke open with flashes of light and thunderclaps. ~ I saw the rhythmic rising and falling of the blankets over his chest and the sound of his breathing and his face was the sallow color of candle wax. ~ She leaned over and put her head down over his chest and heard the weak pulsing of his heart, like the fading throb of a distant drum. ~ "Father, father", she called to him, but he did not hear her as he was withdrawn into the core of his dying self. Lost and betrayed she slowly turned away and left the room. ~ *****

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No One To Vouch For Me 1-14-2021 Missing having an old age friend. _____ 1. Oh how I wish I had an old friend in my old age − Someone with whom I could truly communicate − One with whom I could not just talk to But commiserate with − One who would understand my position on things And corroborate what I say − One who could identify with and vouch for me Because he was there with me − in my time As an eye witness. 2. But I don't have such a friend And so I'm all alone − Naked in a world of enemies Hopelessly trying to make them understand Who I am And how it was. *****

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Cellophane Wrapper 1-1-2021 Untouchable. _____ 1. She always kept herself at a measured distance. You could smell her enticing scent But never touch her − That's the way it was with her − An on-purpose temptation That could go no further to be satisfied. 2. She kept herself in her original Air-tight cellophane wrapper. 3. She was untouched And untouchable. She was a virgin But not in an admirable way But rather in a sterile kind of way. *****

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Crackers In My Soup 1-12-2021 I see things differently. _____ 1. When I awake I'm not just fighting Normal gravity and sleepiness I'm fighting Despair. 2. And when I see white snow And light fluffy snowballs I also see dirty ice balls That are heavy and hurt. 3. And when I see an apple I imagine a razor blade in it And the bloody scene that follows. 4. I can't enjoy my crackers and my soup separately But feel compulsed to crumble them up And throw them in the soup. ~ For whatever abnormal reason I see everything, differently. ***** 148

Perception Trumps Reality 12-8-2021 How my portrait may be painted. _____ 1. I have been diligent, conscientious and self-sacrificing About taking care of my family's welfare By being both responsive and proactive to their wants and needs Which are all to my credit. But unfortunately my occasional outbursts of temper Often outweigh or overshadow these credits. 2. So sadly when I pass away And people think and talk about me They might remember me more for my outbursts. 3. And sadly and unfairly as well All the good that I have done And all the credits I have earned Might be outweighed By the offsetting debits That I've accumulated.

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4. These are the sketches and the colors That I've given people To draw and paint my portrait. ~ Oh how drama and sensationalism Override credible but boring reality. ~ Perception trumps reality. *****

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Heartbeat (Thinking Of Aubrey) 1-14-2021 The meaning of a heartbeat. _____ 1. The little 1 year old With her ear to her mother's chest Hears her mother's heart beat But never realizes what it means − Never realizes that that beat Will be her safety and security throughout her life So long as that heart kept beating. 2. She doesn't realize it yet And maybe she never will Until it stops At which point The silence will be deafening. *****

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At The Risk Of Standing Out 1-19-2021 At the risk of being labeled. _____ 1. I'm not like the others And different in so many ways − In my beliefs, habits and personality. 2. I'm not "way out" there to any major extreme But am on a fringe enough to be classified In a category of my own. 3. But I'm also "out there" In offsetting positive ways With respect to what I've done And accomplished in life. 4. All those who stretch and reach And go outside of their comfort zones In their attempts to accomplish things Often look contorted and awkward And risk standing out and being put in categories That are labeled "eccentric" Or worse. ***** 152

Paraphrased Lines From One Good Deed 9-27-2021 Some interesting Hemingway-like lines paraphrased from, "One Good Deed", a book by David Baldacci. _____ ~ ...the greasy smell of the bus door opening. ~ He had started out in life concentrating on achieving large goals, but now he was focused on just getting by. ~ As the bus rode, its passengers were so hypnotized and dull-thinking they thought that it might just fall off the edge of the earth. ~ After the war, prosperity rained down on the entire country But like all things some fared better than others. ~ Life is a crazy path sometimes. ~ It was liberty, but with a lasso attached. ~ A bad experience can stick to you like a spider's web. ~ He could feel their gazes tracking him like silent parasites sucking the life out of him from a distance. ~ His eyebrows were like fuzzy caterpillars. ~

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~ Having just gotten out of prison, elevators were like little prison cells. ~ One thing that prison took away from you, hard and clear, Was trust. ~ The city looked back at him without a lick of interest. ~ He was thin as a strand of rope. ~ A man favors a compliment, the same as a woman. ~ ...like a waterfall at night. ~ He saw two lips fighting to become a smile. ~ The few teeth that he had, were displayed in a perpetual snarl. ~ He often missed the angel's cue. ~ His long legs ate up the distance. ~ You never know the location of God because he keeps moving around. ~ He was a man who lived every moment as if it were his last. War does that to you. ~ He had come back from the war feeling lucky to be alive not to seek a fortune. ~ He had a crown of white hair that toppled down like an avalanche of snow off a mountain top. ~

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~ His eyes occupied his sockets with the intensity of twin machine guns in a bunker. ~ He drank in the absence of light − in the dark. ~ She wore a dress of such little style and shape that it might as well have been a blanket laid over her. ~ As he eyed the initials monogrammed on his shirt cuffs, he asked, "You afraid you might put another man's shirt on by mistake?" ~ I know the Devil's inside of me, and maybe I like it like that. ~ Two things in a row are variety, of a sort. ~ She seemed as wound up as a clock. ~ With your hair down that way, it gives your face a nice framing. ~ A job is a job. Do you think everyone likes what he does for a living? ~ She stepped out of her pile of dress. ~ They toppled as one onto the bed. ~ His hands were drilled into his pockets. ~ His faced creased into a frown. ~

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~ For him the war was nothing gallant but a mixture of bravery and anger for the enemy and self-pity and sadness for those who had fallen and guilty relief at still being alive after the shooting stopped. ~ Her face was shiny with tears. ~ The human brain is not designed for war. ~ He had a jutting chin of granite, a nose knocked off center, two hardened lumps for cheeks, flattened cauliflower ears and over his mouth was the ribbon of a dark mustache. ~ Before every military engagement he took 3 long breaths And that brought him enough luck to survive. ~ Her hunger took precedent over her good sense. ~ The sky was clear to the horizon and probably beyond. ~ If somebody feeds me boloney, I don't make a sandwich, I make an arrest. ~ Sometimes the truth will set you free but sometimes it will send you back to prison. ~ Lying in his bed thinking He was staring at the ceiling that he couldn't really see. ~ He did not understand nuance. ~

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~ Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. ~ I feel like I've fallen into someone else's life. ~ She looked at him with those mile-deep eyes and for a moment he could see himself plunging into their depths to who knows where. ~ During the war they gave us Benzedrine to keep us awake during our bombing missions, which habit we had a hard time kicking when the war was over. ~ There's nothing perfect about life. ~ The truth seems a long way away until you fall over it. ~ I guess I come down on the side of knowing the truth is better than not knowing it. ~ A part of him wanted to look away from her, but a stronger part compelled him to stare directly at her. ~ He was sort of caught between hope and heartbreak. ~ "Good-bye" she said, with something akin to finality. ~ Her green eyes in the center of her face swiveled around and took hold of their target. ~ You're not rich if you spend more than you have. Then you're just like everyone else. ~ If you're in for a dime, you're in for a dollar. ~

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~ I may have used up all my luck in the war. ~ Pay Peter to pay Paul to keep up appearances. ~ His confident gait, turned into a prison shuffle. ~ His long legs ate up the distances. ~ The strip steak would have more use nailed to the bottom of his shoe. ~ "Do you take anything with your coffee?" "Just a cup", he said. ~ The once refined lady was now down in the dirt like the rest of us. ~ A man who represents himself has a fool for a client. ~ This is it. It's now for all the marbles. ~ Thinking only of yourself as you trudged through life was a lonely journey indeed. ~ "A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write friction." (Virginia Woolf.) ~ It's all about being part of something bigger than yourself. ~ I'm a young man in years, but an old one from hard times. ~ I never expect more of others, than I expect of myself. ~ ***** 158

"I'm Not Happy" 1-28-2021 Not content with life. _____ 1. When I wake up The first thing I feel and whisper to myself is "I'm not happy." And when I pull the covers over me at night I feel and say the same thing: "I'm not happy." 2. With this shroud of discontent always hanging over me And mouthing itself under its breath I often feel that things might be better all the way around If I were dead and found my peace that way. 3. But having said that I'm fearful of what may be beyond − Fearful of going through death's portal And what may be in that room that I'd be walking into. So maybe, that's not such a good solution − And rather a faux solution.

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4. My tolerance of life is very low And I often blame it on Low self-esteem and Feeling that I can't handle things in life As well as others can − An age old boogey man for me. 5. Even when I dream The main characters in my dreams Don't have admirable qualities. And the plots in these dreams Are wrought with the same Introspective inadequacies and personal failures That resonate in my waking life. 6. I'm just not content with the way life's been set up And the way it works, or doesn't work. So that being said There will be no rest or answer for me − Nor will there ever be, I guess.

*****

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The Irish And The Norwegians 2-2-2021 A life-span prognosis. _____ 1. For whatever reason The Irish seem to die young And the Norwegians die old. 2. I know there are exceptions But that seems to be My un-researched observation. 3. So being half Irish and half Norwegian I'll just figure that my expected life span Won't favor one extreme or the other And will be somewhere in the middle − Wherever that is. *****

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Becoming A Caretaker 2-21-2021 A sad forecast. _____ 1. Vi's health is now failing in yet another arena With episodes of pain in her head That causes her to sometimes pass out Or nearly so Which is possibly related to another side effect Of the tumor operation she had Where her nerves got damaged And caused her to lose the full use of her right arm. 2. This, added on to her ongoing problems of Painful and debilitating arthritis, fibromyalgia and back pain That don't allow her to ever get a decent night's sleep Brings her closer to being a virtual and tortured cripple. 3. She is crumbling before my eyes Wherein I unmistakenly foresee the time When I might become her full-time caretaker. I just hope that I'll be ready for that And that the kids will be ready too. ***** 162

"Cheating" On My Taxes 2-12-2021 It's not really "cheating". _____ 1. Technically speaking I "cheat" on my taxes By holding back some income And being aggressive on the deductions I take. But in my soul however, and in any equitable court I'm free of guilt for two reasons: First, because I'm charged an excessive amount of taxes And second, because of the waste, corruption and giveaway programs That are rampant in the government's use of my taxes. So, it's not really "cheating" but rather just "adjusting" the taxes That our thief-government has unjustifiably taken from me And elected to spend irresponsibly. 2. I sleep well at night not only under a warm moral blanket But also for my hopeful thinking that I may be too small a fish for the IRS to fry. On the other hand my sleep is often disturbed by the thought That I could be caught and even prosecuted And in an extreme and vindictive case Could even go to prison. 3. How this will play out is yet to be seen And remains a big pea under my mattress. ***** 163

My Story 2-12-2021 The thought of being forgotten. _____ 1. My story book is open To the page that is Today and the Present. 2. And when Today is read and done with That page will turn and lay itself on top of all of the former pages That constitutes the Past All the pages in the book will turn in sequence − Transitioning from the Future, to the Present and then, to the Past. 3. And when the book is fully read It will be placed on the shelf most likely to gather dust − Perhaps never to be read by anyone Like most of all the books of people's lives are never read. 4. Oh what a shame that will be − To be grouped among the non-descripts For in my ego's mind, my book reads better than most So being forgotten like a minor character in a poorly written novel Is a sharp thorn in my side. *****. 164

Paraphrased Lines From The Seamstress 2-14-2021 Excerpts from the novel, The Seamstress, by Allison Pittman centered around the French Revolution, circa 1788-1789. _____ ~ Laurette's was the breath on my cheek as we slept and who spoke the nightmares away. ~ My father was unknown to me and my mother never gave me any fanciful tale about a dashing stranger or wandering minstrel who might come for me. ~ I had no concept of the role the king played in the slow death of our town: how he took good grazing land and gave it to the Church and imposed taxes beyond what our neighbors could pay to fund extravagant royal parties and excursions. ~ Complaining about hunger is like complaining about being alive. ~ We had the promise of a hot stone to take to bed for our warmth. ~ Cerberus was the 3 headed dog that guarded the gates of Hell. ~ The sheep live in a constant state of fear, always feeling chased, hunted and watched. ~ Their loyalty is only to their own survival. ~ 165

~ Sadly, I feel my status with her has changed. ~ I sometimes mistakenly feel we are peers. ~ Opening the door I only find that the gray outside is only a few shads lighter than the gray within. ~ The grayness of the day needs no ghosts. ~ Sometimes I open the window to let the spirits out. ~ A man's grief is his own. ~ How common we are. ~ One of my lambs will be my supper this Easter. Another a stew. How can any Queen have more power than that? ~ Alone on a rock, I am a monarchy of my own making. ~ She worked with both the speed of a thief and the ease of a mistress. ~ A secret part of her is glad to see her father hang. ~ Our resilience is our refusal to die under the yoke of the oppression of the monarchy or waste away in the void of its neglect. ~ You are too young to be decisive but rather quick to temper and slow to action. ~ When you want to kill your enemy, do you cut off his foot? No, you strike at the heart. ~ Our times are too desperate for modesty. ~ 166

~ The greatest predators will chase their prey waiting for it to tire. I am a lion and my prey has fallen. ~ It's not right that we produce food for royalty that we ourselves can't afford. ~ There's no hint of compassion in her voice and I hope she hears no petition for charity in mine. ~ I'll not invite anyone into the tragedy of my life. ~ He'd let us go cold before he would sacrifice his furniture to the fire. ~ He is a man incapable of a promise beyond the moment. ~ His hand trespassed all boundaries and while a small voice urged her to guard her soul and body from this betrayal a louder voice drowned out any warning. This exchange between one another this night Would serve as a sacrament. ~ I lost control of my mask of strength. ~ He spoke too quickly to be believed. ~ God's will is frustratingly unclear. ~ And with that thought, a window of darkness opened. ~ She rudely interrupted a sacred conversation. ~ Go and take advantage of your dream but if you should wake up from it, put on your shoes and walk home. ~ 167

~ The land rebelled with drought and the far-off government waxed with greed And work that had been a celebration became nothing more than a task to be completed. ~ There are so many men with idle hands and empty bellies. ~ It burrowed deep, hidden beneath the layers of shame. ~ He placed the candle in her hand and then left her alone in its light. ~ H's a dangerous man in dangerous times. ~ He would never take orders from a barn-dwelling peasant. ~ Nothing here at the palace is real. ~ I'm too much of a reminder of her past. ~ They are always looking for us to take drives into the countryside to measure the animosity of the peasants. ~ The dawn was shapeless. ~ Fashion is perfect in all ways, but not perfect for all time. ~ With no crops to harvest, villages have been emptied with so many flooding into Paris, looking for work that wasn't there. ~ She enjoyed the spark of her new authority. ~ Hunger made her slice the bread even thinner. ~

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~ Odysseus craftily used the sheep to escape the giant's cave. ~ Though not being noble and far below her class the very act of being in her presence makes me feel every bit a lady. ~ The poor have left their farms to roam the forest like wolves. ~ Idleness and gnawing hunger drove men into fruitless action, abandoning their families in the guise of searching for a better life only to band with each other in aimless roaming. ~ Piles of silver cannot be consumed, but a goat means milk and cheese. ~ The Church is as guilty of our plight as the monarchy, as I've never seen a hungry priest. ~ We are at the mercy of the earth, eating what animals eat. ~ Some conversations call for softer voices. ~ The mayor's whole family was killed at the hands of the villagers because they thought he was hoarding their grain driving up prices. ~ Saint-Michel is overrun by the king's soldiers; people have lost their homes to them and food was taken out of their children's mouths To feed healthy men. ~ Stay interesting and you'll always have a place. ~ My paths wander without intent. ~

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~ The Queen amused herself with life-sized sculptures living out her fantasies of being a poor farm girl. ~ If he is aware of his role in the lies, he bears it in silence. ~ He finally broke his show of strength. ~ I want nothing that puts me in league with my oppressors. And I'd rather live out my days naked than clothe myself in the scraps of nobles. ~ He was so important as to be escorted by mountains with every step. ~ I remain silent until spoken to. ~ Grain was siphoned from the sheep and given to the goats who could give milk, even in the leanest months. ~ It was a challenge even for the truth. ~ As a citizen, I have a right to a certain space of marble tile. ~ Not every poor person can be absorbed into the court the way Renee was, whereas with us we remain slaves to the land Which the royalty, without conscience, tax and take. ~ Here, even the snow falls by design. ~ He tells me he is descended from the hoards of Vikings that stormed through France leaving destruction and bastards in their wake. ~ He was bald and fat and in his sleep-rumpled clothing he looked like a sea turtle out of its shell. ~ 170

~ He rewards me with attention. ~ She reminded us all, once again, of her foreign roots. ~ She is not an enemy of France, but a woman trapped within its dictates. ~ I pick my words like slivers in a finger. ~ Never underestimate the value of loyalty. ~ At 19, she had the hands of an old woman. ~ Not wanting to dislodge themselves from the fire no one moved to light a candle and all turned into shadows. ~ The small fire made the house only marginally warmer than the outside. ~ After the fire died, and the stone went cold, the dog would keep her warm. ~ The brace disciplined the boy's spine. ~ There's nothing to eat, nothing to sell and nothing to trade. ~ It is unseemly to put on any display of wealth When so many are so hungry. ~ The house itself exhaled his absence. ~ Another chip of winter fell away. ~

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~ All fell into a sober silence. ~ They moved about with no show of purpose. ~ It's bad enough to have nothing to sell, but worse to have nothing to give. ~ She bore the toll of winter, only barely able to stand. ~ Was there a purpose to his rescue? ~ Her family had abandoned her without even a word about her absence. ~ He unfolded himself from the darkest shadow. ~ Versailles took on a strange personality with the absence of the royal family. ~ Our people are weak, our land near death, and our king and queen are sovereign only in title and powerless to heal either one. ~ Busy hands are soothing to the soul. ~ Every morning I watched the priest step over starving woman and children on his way to church. ~ She could not find enough darkness to hide in. ~ The shadow of shame was still dark upon her. ~ She would collapse beneath the weight of the invisible crown. ~

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~ Through persistence and subterfuge she found a pathway to the Queen's ear. ~ We are not merely hungry, we are dying. ~ She thinks she will buy love with the scraps from her table. ~ Some of the men and woman in the courtyard might be mistaken for abandoned corpses if not for the curses they manage to utter at the nobles who pass by. ~ The ruling class have always lived within reach of the poor with nothing more than an agreed-upon sense of superiority to insulate them from the physical touch of the masses. ~ The palace at Versailles was always open to all who used to be in awe but now, there is nothing but contempt. ~ The women carry weapons in their hands, hunger in their bellies, dead children in their hearts, and broken men in their arms. ~ I speak no words to his departed spirit. ~ Soon our feet will share a common path. ~ She knew nothing but the depth of the tiny girl's brown eyes and felt nothing but the baby's weight upon her breast. She's never felt more important in her entire life. ~ She and the little one had earned a day of rest. ~ I am once again enfolded to her favor. ~ They accept her gifts, then curse her in the streets. ~ 173

~ She is back at the same crossroads between her beloved homeland and this dreadful one. ~ She may not be the Queen to the bloodied rebels of Paris but in my heart she has suffered no change in station. ~ No matter the present circumstances I remain what I've always been. ~ I feel too big for the space I take up in the world. ~ All was fueled by wine and fraternity. ~ I put on a matching playful tone to swallow my sadness. ~ The revolution brought death not only to the monarchy but to the clergy as well. ~ They should have to call on the fortitude that sustained the first generation of Christians, worshiping under the heel of Rome. ~ His words were slow and deliberate with the same pace as the rising sun. ~ She couldn't sit still, like a little fish on the line. ~ The perception of the court is far more important than the facts in the matter. ~ It was so typical of him to make himself the center of the tale. ~ In Paris, for the poor, children aren't always such a treasure to hold. ~

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~ They've killed the Church and sent the priests away, But they cannot banish Christ. ~ I know the weakness of my resolve. ~ A tiny sprout of fear has sprung to life within me. ~ It was poverty that parted us. ~ We are more like fulfilling a lifelong promise And not a notion newly born. ~ I see a new life nestled in the darkness. ~ *****

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Nowhere To Go (On Mom And Dad) 3-28-2021 Missing my parents. _____ 1. It's been many years since they passed away − 60 years for my Mom And 30 years for my Dad. 2. You'd think that after all those years I would have gotten used to their absences. But that's not the case − In fact it's the opposite As I miss them more now than ever. Why is that, I wondered? 3. It's because with each new phase in my life And the maturity that comes to me with each passing year I realize that my Mom and Dad are missing from them Except for their apparitions And the echoes of their voices.

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4. And the fact that they can't be part Of anything I do or accomplish in life Just accentuates their absences And does nothing to release the backed up pressure Of missed opportunities And a son's love that has no nowhere to go. 5. For most of my life I never got to know a mother's nurturing love. And although I had difficulties with my father In my earlier years There was always the hope That had he lived long enough We might have been able to groom A better father and son relationship. 6. Oh the tragedy of it all − All those empty, empty years That leave me with the dry rarified sting of a loneliness And the low frequency pain of missing All that goes into a healthy relationship Between a son and his parents And with the wonder of what A nurturing and more normal family life Might be like. *****

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Save A Place For Me 4-4-2021 A request from a non-believer to a believer. _____ 1. I have always had my doubts About the existence of Heaven Which doubt may be held against me Should there in fact, be one. 2. I know that you, on the other hand Very much believe in Heaven And if there is one You'll get there one day. 3. So might I ask a favor of you As a friend and a person of compassion − That when you get there Could you ask the Maitre 'd To save a place for me? *****

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Paraphrased Line From The Second Life Of Nick Mason 4-19-2021 Excerpts from a book by Steve Hamilton. _____ ~ A boy wants a good girl who will be bad Just for him And a girl wants a bad boy who will be good Just for her. ~ The wolves are now loose. ~ One man's muscle was built in the gym And the other's, in the streets. ~ Because Chicago was built on swampland The sewers and drains would often overflow in a hard rain. ~ He tied his wagon to the Devil's tail. ~ *****

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From The Ice Age To The Stars 3-2-2021 Our exponential rise from the Ice Age to the Stars. _____ 1. 10,000 years ago Was the last Ice Age When we lived in caves And wore clothes That we skinned off of animals. And as we looked into the night sky At all the mysterious stars We wondered what Gods Set them on fire and make them move. 2. And in the 10,000 years since − Representing less than 1% of the 7,000,000 years That we've been a species − We not only understand the stars But we're traveling to them. Our ascension has been staggeringly fast And scary.

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3. But that ascension has not been nearly as dramatic And as scary As what we have "accomplished" In only the last 300 years Where our advancement has sadly Overpopulated and polluted the planet Consumed and stripped away so much of its resources To say nothing of the fact That we have developed weapons of mass destruction And engaged in increasingly huge global wars. And even more scary is the fact that Most of these things have occurred Exponentially In only the last 150 years Which forebodes of big problems With respect to our very survival. 4. With the speed of both Our population growth And our destructive consumption and weapons development Being exponential It won't be long or unimaginable For our return to a groveling and scavenging species Or for our complete demise and or extinction. Get ready. *****

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All In My Head 5-19-2021 Missing her. _____ 1. I reach over at night But her side is empty. I hear her breathing But she's not there. I smell her scent But there's no one there. I feel her warmth But her side of the bed is empty-cold. 2. I see the depression in the mattress But nobody's there. I see her head on the pillow But it's just my imagination. I fight for my share of the covers But no one fights back. 3. I see her get up and go to the bathroom But it's all in my head. I see, smell and feel her every day and night But it's sadly and unforgivingly All In my head And in my broken heart. ***** 182

Paraphrased Lines From The Boy 5-29-2021 Inspired by the novel "The Boy" by Tami Hoag. _____ ~ She nearly gagged on the stench of fear. ~ Night waited patiently but was oblivious to her pain Not caring if she lived or died. Things died all the time. Death was just a part of life. ~ A startled bird flew up With its wings thumping against the thick still air. ~ She wobbled to her feet like a newborn deer. ~ Loup-garou was the mythical werewolf of the swamp. ~ They were out of step with each other − Like awkward dancers following different beats. ~ He was a time bomb, dark and brooding. ~ Dread pressed down on him like a giant hand. ~ Lightning split the sky outside As bright as day in a black and white movie. ~

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~ He swallowed back his anger leaving a bitter aftertaste. ~ In the next world, you get justice. In this one, you get the law. ~ He had a mouth like a black horseshoe And horns like the Devil. ~ He was never a father As he was more dedicated to his work. ~ Nature is neither cruel or kind, but rather Indifferent to all suffering. ~ There's a practical reason for everything in nature. There is no intension of cruelty, only survival. ~ He gave him the stink eye. ~ He saw a man's outer life As a reflection of his own inner life. ~ They grew up as wild as weeds. ~ His name became like a dog whistle to the media. ~ That's a thread worth pulling. ~ He was deaf as a post. ~ Lies are twice as hard to keep straight as the truth. ~ A tale as old as time. ~

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~ Self preservation trumps decorum. ~ He looked out the window Like a trapped animal longing to escape. ~ Getting old isn't for wimps. ~ Crimes don't wait their turns to be committed. ~ She was often seeing things that others didn't − Something in another dimension. ~ The silence became a piercing white noise. ~ People like to say that money can't buy happiness But that's a lie. ~ In looking at his life Death seemed like a reasonable alternative. ~ They were a family of hog callers. ~ Like they say when you're making love to an ugly woman, "Let's get it over with." ~ He walk out into the electric sun of artificial lights And into a cloud of noise. ~ I'm gonna make sure you have to lick your spoon. ~ He would ride this fight to the bowels of Hell And outlast the Devil. ~

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~ He mastered the touchy art of telling half-truths. ~ He had the dual conflicting pressures Of isolation and responsibility. ~ Murder was almost always tragically simple and stupid. ~ He was puffed up with anger and rage. ~ His gaze darted up and down and side to side Like a hummingbird unable to land. ~ She only wanted the two dimensional company of the TV. ~ Not smart, but cunning. ~ Robed men convince us they are representatives of an omnipotent god and invented organized religion As a panacea and a way to control the masses. ~ He felt the need to either move or crumple. ~ Evil doesn't live in a place − it resides in the souls of men. ~ His deputies came running dark and silent. ~ "The Peace of Wild Things" by Wendell Berry (1934-curent). ~ "I go to nature to be soothed and healed And to have my senses put in order" John Burroughs, American Naturalist (1837-1921) ~ ***** 186

Paraphrased Lines From Growing Things And Other Stories 8-18-2021 Some interesting lines, word usages and paraphrases that produce good imagery from the not-so-good book of short horror stories by Paul Tremblay. _____ ~ "Tears water our growth", Shakespeare. ~ He was sitting in a nest of blankets and pillows. ~ The buildings are crowded together elbowing and wrestling each other for precious space. ~ She had doll-size hands. ~ People disappear like days on a calendar. ~ She was picked up like an unwanted hitchhiker. ~ She now she knew she was walking on the bones of the runaway. ~ It crashed down into my stomach like an asteroid. ~ Living without choices is easier and less stressful. ~ Worcester is stuck, like a dart, in the middle of Massachusetts. ~ 187

~ The shots were muffled, sounding like city-sized phone books hitting the floor after a big drop. ~ He was always getting odd looks for his too-small-for-his-face eyes and for his mouth that looked like a cut on his face. ~ He puts the barrel in his mouth, pulls the trigger and disappears. ~ We sit and stew in the quiet. ~ Dennisport (Denis Port, Cape Cod) wasn't home, it was somewhere else. ~ That's how I remember puzzles ending, with nothing getting solved. ~ It was like he had permission to act younger. ~ So this is you, duct-taped to a chair. ~ The silence became a wholly distinct and physical presence. ~ Sitting there waiting, he imagined he was shrinking in his chair, disappearing into his shoes. ~ It's a good thing that your brain is different from everyone else's. ~ She was self medicating on caffeine. ~ They were shards of broken words. ~ He exploded out of the car into a desperate sprint. ~ The wind brings the unmistakable smell and taste of salt and brine. ~ 188

~ The sea continues to gather its dead. ~ We love him because he looks like us. ~ We love him because he is the promise that growing old doesn't mean becoming irrelevant. ~ His face is like rotting fruit and he moves like a marionette with tangled strings. ~ He grins and his big yellow teeth break through his purple lips. ~ He must be brave and face his own withering existence. ~ We all die the same way: alone. ~ He walks with his limbs shaking and moving in the wrong direction. ~ His eyebrows are like 2 little caterpillars fighting on his forehead. ~ He's an old man trying to act young. ~ I'm staying where I am like a baseball pitch that stops before home plate. ~ I'm an empty notebook. ~ I'm a video whose ending I'll never get to see. ~ On the way down to camp, we tripped over a dead climber. ~ Many walk into the woods, but some don't walk out. ~ 189

~ She's a weird combination of chin-up/chest-out confidence and twitchy nervousness. ~ There is something there behind the curtain. ~ With all the people around him again his battery was recharging. ~ He was a trust-your-gut kind of person. ~ His camp was a few days' hike from civilization. ~ Looking up at the roof, with all its rib-like beams, it looks and feels like a chest cavity or a big top circus tent − or the belly of the beast. ~ He was hopelessly lost in his headspace. ~ Slithery sounds from earlier dreams filled the room and woke me up. ~ The shadows were alive. ~ He had shoestring arms. ~ There is a great yawning divide between childhood and puberty foreseeing that dark patch of underarm hair. ~ They worked their way through a bottle of red wine. ~ As she walks away and grows smaller from distance and perspective, I briefly pretend my hand covers her up, a rare back-of-my-hand eclipse, and because I can no longer see her She's not really there. ~ 190

~ She's like a human crop circle. ~ His shadow falls over me. ~ She holds up surrender hands. ~ Her smile stretches across the lazy summer afternoon. ~ There's something sad in her smile. It's an all-good-things-must-come-to-an-end look. ~ His eyes open as wide as the ocean. ~ My own voice seems like it's coming from far away. ~ They twitch and convulse like partners in a dance. ~ Everything goes darker and fuzzier at the edges. ~ She vines her fingers around the steering wheel. ~ I'm shaking enough that I might actually fall apart. ~ It's a habit that's as established as a rut in an old logging road. ~ He was only the size of an asterisk. ~ It wasn't that long ago that children born with birth defects were thought to be monsters for how else could they explain a missing limb, a missing eye or a Siamese twin? ~ A monster is both the Id and the Ego. ~

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~ There are so many kinds of years: dog years, people years, house years, geological years and cosmic years. ~ She stands in the house's considerable shadow. ~ You should never say the name of the house out loud or you might wake up the ghosts. ~ Change is always on the other side of the door. ~ She calls out and her voice runs up the stairs and around the banister and bounces off the plaster and crown moldings and sconces. ~ What is the antidote to the poison of nostalgia and regret? ~ From under the table, they see their parents' legs float by like branches floating down a river. ~ There's a last time for everything. ~ She's afraid she'll make the same decisions all over again. ~ The ghost of every person who lived in the house goes to the basement and line the walls and stack themselves like cords of wood. ~ I can only tell this story in pieces. ~ Time is not an arrow, but rather a bottomless bag in which we place things that will be forgotten. ~ I've been both an expert and a failure at finding meaning in the meaningless. ~

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~ The gesture was both kind and humiliating. ~ I have many acquaintances but most of them are digital like avatars and emails. ~ Time is not an arrow. Sometimes it's a deck of cards that you can shuffle and cut. ~ The stew of chemicals in his brain made him morph into a dirty rotten cheat and liar. ~ His ideas were fleeting and just out of reach or seemingly those of someone else's. ~ Sometimes the idea seemed like it was in his head since before he was him. ~ The idea was patiently waiting, plotting for the right time to show itself and holding him hostage in the meantime. ~ I launched into a confessional. ~ I was lying, but not lying. ~ Every picture had those lingering, lurking, Escher-like shadows, dark forms and outlines of empty space. ~ Time is not an horror, and if it ever was, it has been broken into pieces, and then broken into more pieces again and again. ~ It's like bringing a slingshot to a nuclear war. ~

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~ It was his "brag shelf"; the shelf of his own publications. ~ Color me intrigued. ~ You lost the thread of the story, then the theme or interest in it. ~ He sat in the glow of his iPhone. ~ A dog knows something and is off before you react. ~ He worried about strangers reaching into his private life through his writings. ~ There is no such thing as immortality − Not for Shakespeare or for Tiny Tim. ~ The temperature drops without a parachute. ~ Mike has a rag-doll body. ~ He deflated like a week-old birthday balloon. ~ Tenement buildings were all stacked and leaning on each other. ~ You are as purposely deaf as you are blind. ~ The metal grates were pulled down over the storefronts like drawbridges on castles. ~ It's just another slap in the face of the unwashed masses. ~ He's a bully's bully. ~

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~ It wasn't a temper, it was who he was. ~ It was like a presence and a lack of presence at the same time; the feeling you get when you stare at a broken window. ~ They all said the same thing, Like they were all practiced. ~ We didn't hear it but it was there if you were listening. ~ He sits right down, definitively and obvious. He was a period in the middle of a sentence. ~ The kitchen was as small as a teacup and the bathroom, a dot over an i. ~ The woods were composed of trees that were bent and tired and would give up their leaves, needles and their secrets too easily so they couldn't be trusted. ~ Denying the existence of the Devil was like denying the existence of God. ~ The summer leaked away, like all summers do. ~ He's all arms and legs. He was a marionette with tangled strings. ~ They quickly filled up the small bed. ~ The noises from the cottage filled and echoed in the mountains. ~

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~ Old people with tree-bark skin. ~ He took a deep breath − the one that signals the end of something. ~ Danny wonders how long it takes for his wave to make it across the water. ~ The questions were softballs − all surface − nothing deep, profound or difficult. ~ The story both fills me up and empties me out. ~ It's as impossible a task as lifting the ocean over your head. ~ He bullies through the front door and into the house. ~ He lumbers into the dining room, walking heavily, broadcasting his physicality. ~ He had a Boston accent thicker than clam chowder. ~ *****

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A Healthier And Happier Life? 11-14-2021 Life and happiness expectancy yesterday and today. _____ 1. In the old days life expectancy was shorter And life was more suddenly taken from you For in those days there was not only A lack of health care But also the ever looming maladies of High birth and child mortality Plague Tuberculosis (consumption) Smallpox Cancer Stroke As well as death from poor working conditions And work-related accidents. Death could come And be expected at Any time and from many sources. 2. Today we have a much better chance For a long and happier life...... At least in "that" respect. ***** 197

Sleeping In History 11-14-2021 History is a deep sleep. _____ Everything comes from the Future. ~ Everything is conceived and born from of the Future Awakes into the Present And then goes to a deep sleep into the Past − Into History. ~ Everything that was before Resides now In History. Sleeping. *****

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The Sword Of Damocles 9-24-2021 Aging. I could go at any time. _____ 1. At birth my life expectancy was 78. I'm now 78. So I'm due. 2. But having reached 78 The life expectancy for a person in good health Is now about 87 − 9 years from now. 3. But with my mother having died at 44 And my father at 74 I shouldn't bank too much on Making it to 87.

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4. Just recently a friend of mine, Tom Scanlon Who was also in good health Died in his sleep at age 73. Although he knew that at that age He could go at any time I'm sure he didn't think that Within hours of his falling asleep On that normal and unremarkable night That he'd be dead. 5. So with that in mind I am very mindful − More than "mindful" − Of the fact That every night that I go to sleep I could die within hours. 6. I therefore try to keep My financial, administrative and personal affairs In decent order For the sake of those who have to carry on after me. 7. Sometimes when I exert myself Working on the house or grounds I get out of breath and feel a tightness in my chest Which tells me that I am weakening And more vulnerable each day of my extended life.

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8. At 78 I'm acutely aware That I'm living on borrowed time And that each night when I turn out the light And go to bed Within minutes or hours My heart may just stop And I may never see the light of day. 9. This is the sword of Damocles That hangs over me at the ripe old age Of 78. *****

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No Warning Signs 10-5-2021 A good sign that may not be. _____ 1. Except for the normal and relatively minor Aches and pains that come with age I'm in great shape − But maybe deceptively "In great shape." 2. I say maybe in deceptively great shape Because while I have no warning signs or symptoms Of any ticking time bomb − Like there would be if there were And for which I'm grateful − You just never know what may be lurking And could come without warning And strike me suddenly in the middle of the night. Without any warning Or any time to "prepare."

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3. So when I'm reading at night Calm and restfully (Except for the worries I always But normally Take to bed with me) I hear and feel my heart pumping And radiating throughout my whole body And resonating loudly in my ears Which sound is often so loud that it feels as though The whole house is shaking. 4. With that pumping sound I can't help but ask, "Is this the sound of a straining heart Near the end of its term?" And, "Am I feeling The last beats of my drum?" *****

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No Getting Around That 10-2-2021 Regrets about our father-and-son relationship. _____ 1. He's gone now And there's nothing I can do To rectify, repair, retrofit or reconstruct our relationship. I feel guilty remembering how things were back then − How strained they were between us And my contribution to that strain. I wish we could have reconciled things between us But death has closed that door and option. And so I must accept things as they are With helpless regret. 2. Oh, while I'm weighted down with guilt That guilt is somewhat mitigated by the fact That he didn't make it easy To keep the peace. 3. And while things were what they were I feel guilty for my contribution to it all And there's just no getting around that. ***** 204

Where Have You Gone, Chris? (On My Sister, Chris) 10-14-2021 Thinking of my dear departed sister, Christine. _____ 1. Where have you gone, Chris? Somewhere? Or nowhere? 2. You are my closest link To the next world If there is one. 3. So if you can Please tell me Which will either Relieve my angst Or add to it But at least give me Fair warning.. *****

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Still In My System (Remembering Bich-Thuy) 10-18-2021 Someone who you never can forget. _____ 1. Although it's not a burning thing now But rather only a muted and faded memory I've never gotten her out of my system And think of her now and then. 2. When dealing with life and love It's not unusual That you sometimes can never forget someone Completely. 3. But even though at times She's a dear memory She's also a painful one And I take comfort and relief in knowing That I am so much better off Without her. *****

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When Vi May Be Gone (On Vi) 9-25-2021 Thinking about when Vi may be gone. _____ 1. It's night time and I'm in my chair Reading my book And sipping a glass of wine Like I usually do before retiring. Nothing different there. 2. But there's something different For the room next to mine − Vi's room − Is dark and quiet But more so, it's empty. For Vi has passed away. 3. The silence is deafening Except for the muffled sounds of her spirit-memory That I think I hear. But these imagined sounds of her imagined presence Sometimes make the unbearable, more bearable But most times it makes the unbearable Even more unbearable While I wait for my own room to be empty and silent. ***** 207

Electronic Explosions 9-16-2021 Trying to get some rest. _____ 1. I drove Vi to her doctor's appointment And while I waited for her in the parking lot I quietly read my book for a while But soon got sleepy. So I closed my book Tilted the seat back to a comfortable reclining position Slowly closed my eyes And dozed off into a gentle semi-sleep snooze. 2. But then I was startled by a loud explosion Into a bolt-upright rigid position With my eyes bulging out of my head And my heart beating like a drum: "What the heck was that!" 3. While it turned out only to be Someone remotely opening her car door With her key fob. It scared the heck out of me.

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4. After I calmed down I tried to go back to sleep But that was just not to be Because each time I dozed off Another electronic explosion occurred − One after the other − One off to the left, one off to the right One in front of me and then one behind me − All around me. I was surrounded And forced to surrender. ~ My planned snooze was just Not meant to be. *****

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A Collection Of Ball Point Pens 1-14-2021 A short story and a symptom. _____ 1. In the old days I just had one ball point pen. And when the ink ran out I bought a replacement. 2. But now in this time of opulence I have a million pens That I either bought or got from promotional giveaways − So many that I'll die before I run out of them. 3. And as I look at them In the many jars, drawers and cups that I keep them in I see two things: Firstly, all the many and various origins of each one: From stores and my places of employment; And from banks, gas stations, doctors' offices etc. etc. Each one tells a segmented and serialized story about my life. Secondly, I see how unnecessarily extravagant And symbolically wasteful we have become Where we have so much more than what we need. Where excess − Not need − Is the driver. ***** 210

Paraphrased Lines From The 'Lost for Words' Bookshop 3-13-2021 Inspired by a novel by Stephanie Butland. _____ ~ In a fit of rage My mother hit my father on the side of his head With a skillet And he went down with a thud Like a bag of wet cement. ~ I saw him go down And it was all in slow motion. Then I saw Dad − Half formed like the ghost that he became − Rise out of his body And put his arms around her Trying to comfort her Telling her that it was not her fault And just an unfortunate reaction. He was always, so understanding. ~ I saw it all but it was what I didn't see Was the effect it had on me as I aged. ~

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~ Sadly, I felt alone and different than others. Even though I was only a child when it happened And it all happened so fast I somehow felt guilty for having been there And for not having done anything to prevent it. The mind's logic is often paralyzed And no match for subjective emotions. ~ And what made things even more complicated And less understandable for me Was the image I had of my father Comforting and forgiving my mother. How conflicting was that? ~ Trying to get the images out of my head − Trying to reconcile my mother's murderous act With my father's forgiveness − And trying to overcome the guilt Was harder than just accepting it all. ~ *****

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A Five Foot Fall 11-23-2021 A slow recovery. _____ 1. I took a five foot fall off the stone wall Leading to the garage. It was dark and I was rushing to get to my car And I just walked off the edge At full speed and head first into air. 2. I bruised my face and head Broke 2 teeth And hurt my ribs, lungs and kidneys. With my jaw all swollen And discoloration in my neck and torso I knew I had some internal bleeding. Although I was hurting, I still went to work On the house that we had just purchased At 2 Wescott Court in Riverside And rushing to fix up for rental.

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3. About a week or so later After experiencing vertigo And at the insistence of Vi I reluctantly went to the doctor's Who then had me go to the Hospital For a C Scan of my head To make sure the vertigo wasn't caused By some internal bleeding in my head That was possibly heading for my brain And might kill me. All was OK with the C Scan. 4. Anyway, here I am now 5 or so months later Still feeling a little pain in my insides Around or in my lungs But happily everything else has gotten better. While that's a good story I must say that it took a long time getting there Evidencing that the old body is getting older And taking much longer than before To recover from such things. ~ The young man that I once was Has been replaced by an older And slower one. *****

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An Inexplicable Formula 1-28-2021 Not the best formula, but a formula. _____ 1. He never enjoyed the mutuality Of a calm and pleasant conversation But rather ones that were frustratingly awkward And that tested his patience to its limits. 2. In all the years they've been together It's been frustratingly tense for him Because of her inability to communicate well. So many times he'd come close to the breaking point Where he felt he couldn't take it any more And he would leave her. But he sucked in a deep breath And calmed his heart rate Knowing that the alternative Would be worse. 3. And on her side No matter how much he ignores or criticizes her And no matter how much Rightly or wrongly He belittles or is short with her She amazingly takes it and hangs in there too.

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4. Unlike the paralyzing brooding that entangles him With her communication issues She seems to be able to wash off his hurts and rejections And keeps coming back undiscouraged Or with a new well of courage From God knows where or how Which makes it impossible − Or never gives him enough of a reason − To call it "quits". 5. It's an awkward, complicated and inexplicable formula But one that works − In a manner speaking. *****

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America − Slipping Under 8-11-2021 The sad trend I'm seeing. _____ 1. In America I don't see many people going into science or engineering But rather into less technical and less challenging fields − Into less productive and easier ones − Like business and liberal arts. 2. In other countries I see the opposite And that disappoints and scares me To the point of sometimes being depressed about it. What's going on? What's happening to our drive, direction and ambition. 3. I see America slipping under the water of mediocrity. I see a country of takers and users rather than contributors. I see a country of consumers rather than producers and inventors. ~ My heart aches for America The country that I love. *****

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A Management Technique 8-23-2021 Comparing things to the Universe. _____ 1. When I'm dealing with a problem − Personal or otherwise − I try and compare it to the size of the Universe Because by doing so My problem often seems Less significant. 2. Putting a problem in perspective to the Universe Is a "management technique" Aimed at reducing its magnitude By comparison. 3. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. But when it does work it's only a short-term "fix" But one that I'll accept For whatever it's worth Because every little thing helps. *****

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Pebbles In My Shoes 9-26-2021 Keeping me up at night. _____ 1. I never can get a good night's sleep Because I have to get up every 2 hours to take a pee. 2. I also can't get a good night's sleep For all the little worries that I'm always thinking about. 3. Both of these things are like little pebbles in my shoes − Little, but persistent and distractively annoying. . *****

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More On Aubrey 1-19-2021 More observations about Aubrey at 1 year old. ____ 1. Picking things up − One in each hand − And carrying them all around And then Putting them back in their original places: A sign of a ordered mind? And a sign of neatness? I'm hoping so. 2. Opening all the cabinet doors And grabbing what she can to take with her In her travels. 3. Putting one cup inside the other And putting the tops on things Trying and trying until she gets it right.

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4. She loves to walk and explore And everything she sees and wants She points at and reaches for And grunts with excited "Uh, Uh" s Asking you, in her baby-talk way, to get it for her. She's so curious about everything And as soon as she's finished something She grunts for another curiosity thing. 5. It's hard to control her Even holding the reins of her halter As she hobbles around the house at break-neck speed Pitter pattering everywhere in her little brown shoes Bent precariously forward like a ski jumper Often followed by the predictable thud on the floor Of a learning-curve fall. 6. Christmas ornaments on the tree Knickknacks on the shelves Candle sticks on the tables − Anything and everything on the bookcases and piano As well as all the pictures we have throughout the house − Nothing's off limits. Oh, and how she loves to be lifted up To touch the chandeliers and make them swing − Giving her a sense of real, excited little-girl accomplishment. 7. And as she closes each room or cabinet door with a bang We pray that she doesn't slam them on her little fingers.

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8. She runs and runs Sometimes for a whole hour With me chasing behind her Huffing and puffing And bent forward just like her While holding her halter So by the time I retire to my room at the end of the day And get into my nightly routine of reading my book I'm often so exhausted that I can't get past But a few pages before dozing off. 9. And oh, those diaper-changing fights Mom and I have with her Where she kicks, squirms, hits, bites and pulls our hair. And when she doesn't get her way She little-girl stares at you defiantly Which can be a bit scary And what it may portend for the future If you read too much into it. 10. And when I see the love her Mom gives her And how patient she is with her I'm so gratified at what a good mother she is. Oh Aubrey, you are a gift to all of us And in good and loving hands. *****

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Kerry And Bethany 5-17-2021 Observations and speculations. _____ 1. Bethany, by her own description of it Had a somewhat disjointed family life That molded her personality As being shy, withdrawn and as she herself confessed: "Not liked so much by others." This may account at least to some degree what appears to be Her controlling nature with regards to my son, Kerry For I see signs of that control. 2. If this controlling nature of hers Moderates my son's Sometimes impulsive tendencies It's a good thing. But if it causes her to not want to share him with us To fill some void in her or need for control It will be at our expense And a bad thing. 3. But all that is truly hoped for by us Is that they are good for each other Even if we as parents Have to suffer in some ways. ***** 223

Making Up For Lost Opportunities (On Dad) 5-18-2021 Dad's old clothes. _____ 1. I have some old clothes of my father's That are tattered and nowhere near my size or style Which I use for cleaning jobs around the house. 2. When I'm finished using them I wash and dry them out And neatly store them in a special place As I want them to last. 3. Why such concern and care For just an old pile of rags? Because they are, as it turned out, Some of the few things that I have left of my Dad And by using them, he's still with me in a way Giving me the awkward But only chance I have now To make up for all the times That I missed connecting with him When he was alive. Convoluted, yes, but it's all I have. ***** 224

For Every Star 10-6-2021 Broken hearts. _____ For every star in the sky There's a broken heart. *****

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A Plastic Tarp 3-13-2021 A small but critical thing. _____ 1. When I was out panhandling Just down the street Some low-life stole my plastic tarp So I need to find a replacement fast Before it rains. 2. Tarps and mattresses Are the two most important things To a homeless person Living on the street. And tarps keep both him and his mattress dry. 3. They are prized and coveted possessions To both own and or to steal. So I kick myself for being so careless. 4. Rain is coming So the pressure's on. ***** 226

For Better Or Worse 3-28-2021 Which direction will evolution take? _____ 1. He didn't care so much About whether he was guilty Or innocent But rather about the lynching itself And what it said About the current human condition. 2. Physical evolution takes millions of years And so does psychological evolution. 3. The only thing we can expect, therefore Is for a slow change − Hopefully for the better − But being acutely aware That evolution could also change us For the worse. *****

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Dogs Like Me 1-14-2021 Preferring dogs over people. _____ 1. Dogs like me More than people do. And similarly I like dogs More than people. Which comes first and foremost I'm not sure. 2. Dogs have that instant animal sense For whom they like and don't like − A less complicated and less formulated sense But a more accurate and bottom-line instinctive sense Than humans have. 3. And so That's why I feel better Being more accepted by dogs Than by people. *****

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It's A Girl 2-20-2021 What's with that? _____ 1. "It's a girl!", he said. ~ "It's" a girl? "It", is a girl? "It?" The "thing? The "creature'? 2. If you think about it Wouldn't it be so much better And more appropriate and respectful If convention were to call for saying, "The baby's a girl!" And not calling it An "It"? *****

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Full Circle (More On Aubrey) 9-22-2021 More about Aubrey's development at 20 months. _____ 1. When I'm by myself I often laugh both to myself and out loud Whenever I think of Aubrey. She now runs everywhere Waving her raised arms from side to side Like a cheerleader. I hear the pitter patter of her feet throughout the house And when I hear them above my room I see her in my mind and smile with love. When she falls or bumps herself, she doesn't cry But rather just picks herself up and goes on her way. Sometimes though she'll ask for a band aid As a kind of badge of attention.

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2. She tries so hard to talk to us And it's so frustrating for her and for us That we don't understand each other perfectly. She's mastered a number of single syllable words And has moved on to 2 syllables and just the other day I heard a 3 syllable word − I think. 3. She copies everything we do. She entertains herself And has a long attention span Which I hope forebodes of her intelligence But more so of her ability to stick with things Like getting an education and a good job And developing good personal habits and avocations. 4. She seems to be well adjusted and independent. She's a happy baby and I attribute that To Leandra's mothering which is admirable. Justin gets good marks too. Oh, but on the flip side she has a temper Manifested by biting, pinching, slapping And throwing things around When she doesn't get her way.

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5. And oh and how she loves her iPad − Glued to it incessantly Especially the You Tube shows that feature "babies." (They have great shows on You Tube and she's "hooked.") We try to wean her off it By playing with and reading to her Which is showing some signs of working But another way is just to hide it. 6. I was hoping she'd be like her Mom and her Uncle Kerry When they were growing up And wouldn't write on the walls But like the art in the Neanderthal cave dwellings We discovered crayon writings here and there. 7. And oh, how she loves to touch everything In the nick-nack closets And on the book cases and the piano. And then there's the ritual of smelling all the candles On the wall sconces and in the china closets And playing with the stone pebbles That are in a vase on in the music room bookshelf And disassembling and re assembling The little ornamental wood piano that I have. And then there's the game that she loves to play Wherein I pile up pillows on the end table in the Music Room And knock them down on her As she lays positioned and braced for "the avalanche."

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8. She loves to put stickers on things. And outdoors she loves to sweep with a broom like we do. We also give or make a walking stick for her Just like Grandma's cane Which she walks with along the pathways and lawns Poking at everything. 9. She's also very attracted to our gallery of photos Which interest in them came from the "tours" I took her on In my arms to distract her from her crying. She also loves playing with the horse and carriage figurines And touching all the other figurines That are in the nick-nack closet. And then there's the new game where she hides Behind or under things. 10. She also loves to ride in the swing we set up for her And driving her pink plastic car. 11. And oh, how she loves to tend to her "babies" − Her baby dolls − By feeding them, covering them up And taking them for rides in the stroller. 12. She also has developed a penchant For putting things in order and in their place.

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13. She's also become a little housekeeper − Cleaning spots off the floor and tables with a napkin And vacuuming the kitchen and back porch With her little fake vacuum cleaner. 14. Oh what a beautiful little child she is to watch develop. And as I said before If I get to live long enough To see her standing at the mailbox And getting on the school bus Just like I used to see Leandra and Kerry do I will feel that that my life is complete Having witnessed a full cycle of life. *****

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Disciplining Aubrey 10-6-2021 It hurts me more than it does her. _____ 1. Aubrey's almost 2 now And has a defiant temper When she doesn't get her way. 2. Her mother reacts in a loving and soft way Which I admire her for And believe that that may account for An otherwise well adjusted and happy little girl. 3. My reaction to Aubrey's defiant temper however Is a little different. I react and sometimes raise my voice And give a her a little attention-getting slap on the hand Or pinch on the ear ( Like Nanay used to give to Leandra and Kerry When they were kids and did something bad.)

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4. My corporal reaction comes from my genes And my upbringing And when its displayed in front of Leandra It worries me as to what she may think of me Which is what sometimes keeps me up at night. What also keeps me up is knowing first hand The meaning of the expression "It hurts me more than it hurts you." 5. Should there be corporal punishment Or should there be none? In my opinion there should be A little of both − But never excessive. *****

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Puppet Strings 2-24-2021 Inspired by passages in the book, Parallel Worlds by the physicist and cosmologist, Michio Kaku. _____ ~ Suddenly through science We find that We no longer have to follow a script That had been pre-prepared for us And are now free To act and think on our own. ~ The puppets have cut their strings. *****

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It's All "BS" 9-12-2021 All advertisements are BS and deceitful. _____ 1. 99% of all advertisements are Fluff, phony or outright and brazen lies. And they are for sure Just "BS" Which is defined as: "Talking nonsense, typically to mislead or deceive." 2. Where is the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) or The Consumer Protection Commission (CPC) That we are taxed so much to maintain? Nowhere, as they let the advertisers Go completely unchecked with their jingles and their lies That fool, mislead and scam us. ~ The FCC and the CPC are Just two useless and ineffective government organizations Which are also themselves Just "BS" too And designed to deceive us Into thinking they are protecting us. It's all just "BS." ***** 238

A Mercy Killing (On A Horrific Dream About Aubrey) 9-25-2021 Horrific actions for horrific situations. _____ 1. I often wake up sweating with my heart beating hard Thinking of something horrific happening to Aubrey. Sometimes I even have to get up and walk it off. 2. I imagine such terrible things as Aubrey being Hit by a car, drowning or falling out of a window.. 3. Last night I woke up thinking of her Getting both arms chewed off in a grinder of some sort − Like a wood chipper And her having go through life as a cripple like that Which was unbearable and unthinkable for me. 4. In my slumber dream I just had to save her From a life of suffering and one not worth living By killing her and delivering her to the angels in Heaven And then killing myself.

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5. In my dream, I knew that her parents couldn't do it And that it would to be up to me To sacrifice my life for Aubrey's sake. It was up to me to be openly hated for taking her life But silently thanked for saving it. Someone had to do it in my dream And for love of her, it was me. Letting her live was a fate worse than death That I couldn't accept or live with. 6. In my dream I didn't consider myself As any kind of a martyr But just a person who saved a little girl From a life of suffering By delivering her to the angels in Heaven. 7. Oh, why does my mind Go to such horrific and frightening places? *****

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This Time In My Life 10-8-2021 Looming at my age. _____ 1. Each day I count off the days Thinking that it could be my last And they'll be no more counting. 2. At my age This is the time in my life When this possibility is more tangible than ever And ever more looming. *****

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I Won't Help You 10-12-2021 No mercy. _____ For what you have done There's just no forgiving So I wouldn't help you Even if I could. *****

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Black And White Commercials 11-20-2021 Every commercial that I see now. _____ 1. Every commercial I now see on TV Features black and white couples As if it's the norm − As if it's the way it is and should be. It's just a media copy-cat blitz − One ad man following the other Because it's cool and not because They are sincerely promoting racial harmony But will hypocritically say that that's what they are doing. And if I were to sincerely question their motives And imply that they may be doing it Just to bolster their own image They'll call me a racist. 2, Look, I'm a proponent of racial integration And I'm in a mixed marriage myself. But the truth is, that it's rare that they work Because of huge cultural differences That have to be hurdled. So to imply through these misleading and self-serving ads That it's, so to speak, the "way to go" Is downright irresponsible.

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3. They are playing with people's lives − Youthful lives that are impressionable And who will buy into − Hook line and sinker − The message they are sending Because the message is telling them That it's all "milk and honey" And not giving some of the cons Along with the pros. 4. Sadly, in more cases than not Such messages Will unfortunately and sadly ruin lives And therefore something that should not be Bantered about in the media because it's "cool." It's far too serious for that. But they don't care − Not those dishonest and reckless hypocrites. 5. I pray for the impressionable who will be influenced − And for their parents − Because of the message and encouragement They are getting from these irresponsible advertisers. 6. What's even more reprehensible Is that they know what they are doing But could care less As it's all about them and their agendas.

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7. I'm not a racist − Although I'll be called that for sure − But rather just someone who believes that Racial marriages are ripe with problems And that young people − Both black and white − Should be cautioned about it Instead of fed the selfish propaganda That that's "the way to go" And that "everything will be OK." ~ I worry for the kids And their poor and often helpless parents Who will suffer alongside their kids Resulting from the tragedies that will ensue. ~ Thank you, Media You've done it again − Another despicable social disservice. *****

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He's Only A Flirt 11-23-2021 A trite poem about flirting with the truth. ____ 1. He only flirts with the truth − Rubbing up against it to catch its scent So that he could use it to his wily advantage. 2. He only preaches the truth But rarely practices it. 3. He points out other people's faults Only to divert attention from his. 4. He's a pretender, a faker, a deceiver A wolf in sheep's clothing. 5. He's bait on a hook So please don't bite. 6. He's an angler Who's only after something.

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7. A befriender and a con artist Aimed at stealing from you. 8. He's a harlequin so keep away And don't believe anything you see or hear. 9. You will meet this person wherever you go Because he's Every-where So please, Be-ware *****

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Suicide 10-3-2021 Thoughts about suicide. _____ 1. If one were to "end it all" Would it really be the "end of it all"? Or would that person just be going into A new phase of something else? Is death just a portal? Some kind of transition? Is that what we are dealing with? 2. This has always been my question and worry About suicide being a solution to things Fearing that it may not be a solution at all But just leading to something that might be worse. *****

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Pride Comes Before The Fall 9-16-2021 Who we really are. _____ 1. We like to think of ourselves as civilized: Well: dressed, fed, read and educated With the special gifts of: Abstract thought, language, mathematics and art. While these things are huge distinguishing factors They don't remove us from the animal kingdom Which we tend to forget, ignore, deny or not want to think about. 2. We shouldn't forget that we are still animals As we share all the key commonalities: We, like them, Are conceived from a base, instinctive and lustful act Are drop-born wet, ugly and slimy Kill other living things and eat them Expel our waste into the environment And engage in brutal wars That may eradicate us faster than we had risen. 3. So we should not pride or delude ourselves too much About how different we are from the animals because Pride comes before the fall. ***** 249

A Review Of The Current State Of Things 9-28-2021 Counting both the positives and the negatives. _____ 1. I'm not happy, although I should be Because I have a fairly good life With no overwhelming worries. But it's just my nature to be discontent with life And with myself Stemming from my unrealistic and idealistic desire For a problem-free life And my propensity to worry about everything. 2. I have, what you might say, a comfortable retirement But I'm not really retired As I have 3 houses that I have to manage. Because, without any pension I need the rental income to live off. And although they provide me with the income that I need They keep me very busy and edgy in that I'm constantly worrying about and waiting for the tenants to call About what needs to be fixed or replaced. And then when those calls do come I'm all up tight and stressed taking care of Whatever has to be taken care of And don't decompress until things are done.

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3. I also worry about being audited by the IRS And maybe even prosecuted For taking too many deductions for the rental houses Which makes me feel like a criminal waiting for the authorities To swoop down and get me And where it's not a matter of "if" But rather "when." 4. Even though I have a decent amount of retirement income I believe that it's false comfort For so many things could happen that would cause me To run out of money: Unforeseen medical expenses Runaway high inflation An economic and or real estate downturn or bust Expenses needed for my kids' welfare − My worrisome mind keeps adding things to the list. 5. I'm also still disappointed about the fact that AI made partner during my career That I couldn't keep that position And wound up in the many last years of my career In low paying, demeaning and demoralizing in-between jobs With 5 + hour commutes through 3 states And to boot, getting let go many times Which were both self-incriminating and demoralizing.

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6. Things like these I can't easily get over. They not only stay with me But gnaw at me and are constant sources of Disappointment, deflation and humiliation. I started out so well and achieved so much But couldn't keep it. I blamed both life and myself for that. 7. I've always believed that "All's well that ends well"; And likewise that "All's bad that ends bad." And now I'm feeling like things may end On the bad side. 8. I also worry that whatever I have to leave For the ones I love Half of it may be taken away by taxes Leaving them, in my opinion, financially insecure Which is not the what I worked and saved for. 9. And I also worry about the after life − Worrying if there is one And if some punishment or accountability Lay ahead for me. 10. Worry, worry and discontentment Gnaw at me And give me no rest.

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11. I had always wanted to have A relaxed and care-fee retirement Of reading Taking small trips here and there Playing and writing music Writing poetry Going out to eat at nice restaurants And watching old movies. But with the properties I have to manage And worry about I have in essence never really "retired" Like so many of my peers have been able to do. 12. But having said that I'm doing the reasonably best that I can With what life and luck have dealt me And hope that that will figure into Any final accountability that may be ahead Which at my age, could come at any time Which is another source of worry. 13. A good part of my angst, unrest and discontentment Comes from my propensity To negatively compare myself to others And always coming out second best.

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14 Does all this angst, worry and pessimism Mean that I'm just feeling sorry for myself? Is it real? Or is it just from the perspective Of having low self-esteem? 15. Ah, but like everything else Nothing's that simple to figure out As I'm sure it's a mixture of all of the above factors And trying to assign the right weight to each. It's a tough job And one that I may never be able to figure out Or have any real resolution to. *****

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Intolerance 10-2-2021 Like W.C. Field's intolerance of children. _____ 1. I'm getting old and cranky And often just want to be by myself And left alone. 2. That's the way I feel sometimes − Just wanting to be left to my Books, house management duties, gardening, music And, my little glass of wine that I have before going to bed − And of course to my worries. 3. If something disturbs that − Even cute little kids − I sometimes get annoyed Just like W.C. Fields did. But unlike him it doesn't last long with me − Not yet anyway. *****

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