Poems of Neil Michelsen Volume 23 by Neil Michelsen

f Poems of Neil Michelsen

Volume 23 2020

f Dedication

To my family

Neil Michelsen 2017

f Preface

I began writing in Brooklyn in 1960 when I had just turned 17. That was the year my mother died and my first poem was about her death. I started out writing traditional or classical style poetry with strict form, rhyming and meter. Later, while the poems had meter, they became less classical in form and more like what might be called blank verse. Many poems take the form of essays or stories that represent my observations, experiences and personal feelings all of which are in metered form. As I age, more of them are about aging. Many also have a melancholy bent to them. 2,100 poems were written between 1960 and 2019 and compiled in a self-published series of 22 hard bound books. Volume 19 represented a selection of poems from Volumes 1-18 that I thought were my better ones and or personally more meaningful to me. This volume, Volume 23, is a continuation of that series and contains an additional 146 poems written in 2020, bringing the total to about 2,250 poems. The poems in this volume are presented in the order that I felt had better poetic style, subject matter and or personal meaning to me. I apologize for any unintended offense or controversy from anything I’ve written. Also, not being professionally edited, please excuse any deficiencies in poetic form, poor grammar, typos or spelling errors. It is my hope that these poems, along with my other personal works (i.e. my personal journals, books and other writings; music compositions; family and music movies and photo albums; paintings; and various collections and memorabilia) will serve as my legacy and little marks in life, and as a personal inheritance to my family.

Table of Contents No Title and Dedication Preface 1 Unlike You 2 The Columnist 3 Too Good To Be True 4 Thoughtful And Enigmatic 5 The End Of My Road Trip 6 When You Find God 7 Fate 8 Base Priorities 9 Ramblings 10 Crystal Milky Moon 11 Fate Is Fate 12 She Was Old Brooklyn (On Chris) 13 The Set-Up 14 Afraid Of The Dark 15 A Russian Poem 16 Psychic Connections? 17 Go For The Jugular 18 No Man's Land 19 Feet In The Mud 20 His Box Of Raisin Bran 21 Ignorance Is Bliss 22 The Best That I Can Do 23 Sadly More Of The Same 24 Dreaming? 25 A Spiritual Walk 26 The Old Styles 27 The Morning After 28 Nature Wins Again 29 The Few Shoots That Make It Big 30 Sitting At My Grave 31 Clouds 32 A Million Little Mouths 33 Please Don't Surprise Me In My Sleep 34 Time And Space

Pg 1 3 4 5 6 10 12 13 16 17 19 21 23 25 27 29 30 32 33 34 35 37 39 41 43 44 46 48 50 52 54 55 56 57 59

35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76

Instinct "Losing It" My Ballerina Too Much Attention To Detail A New Style Of Painting Foreign Intervention A Crucifix Against The Demons My Father Had It Worse A Definitive End? All Things Have An End History's Virginity The Proper Order Of Things Our Little Tours Together (To Aubrey) The Town Library My Corners Of The Room I Don't Want To Know From Nothing He Wasn't So Special At All Love Got In The Way (On Vi) Impressive Phrases Living Alone? The Last Guardian So I Lied Your Way, My Way Talking To The Dead Stolen From The Gods Bound For The Junk Yard "Keep Out" The Day You Die Where Is The Line? The Knife I Survived The 60s And The 70s The Old Man Shuffle An Attention-Getting Scar A Candid Conversation About My Life The Light From Her Window (On Vi) Waiting For The Other Shoe Little White Lies Stuck In My Books A Focus On The Details The Operation The Birds Raindrop Echoes

60 61 63 65 67 70 73 74 76 78 79 81 84 88 90 93 96 97 98 100 101 103 104 106 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 158 159 160 163 165 168 169 172

77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118

The Italians Had The Edge Reading Children's' Stories She And Me A Backhanded Criticism Short-Lived Fruit The Hooked Nose Belief In My Music Back To Brooklyn Consciousness An Additional Sentence You Don't Know You Won't Remember, But... (To Aubrey At 3 Months) James Bond (On Tom Carroll) Prayers That Went Nowhere My Old Next Door Neighbor, Frieda Quips, Quotes And Sayings Moral Accountability My Life Would Be Complete (On Aubrey) A Double Affliction Consciousness The Last Laugh Tradeoffs The Machine Room Going Out The Same Way I Came In A Minute Speck Of Nothing Dilution The Drain Hole What Would I Do Without Her? (On Vi) Man Against The Elements A Matter Of Degree Communism Showering She Blossoms As I Wither (On Aubrey And Me) A Hard Face Love Lost? (On Vi) A Common Sense Concoction Hidden Depression Chemistry To Biology I Forgot To Kiss Her Goodnight A Rind God Tests Those He Loves The Most My New Roommate

173 175 177 180 181 183 185 186 189 191 192 193 198 201 202 206 209 211 214 215 216 218 220 221 223 224 226 227 228 230 232 234 236 237 239 243 245 246 247 248 250 251

119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146

My Unwinding Machine Walking On Pencil Points Who Will Go First? Light Tunnels In The Thorns The Center Of The Universe (To Aubrey Lee) We Made A Family For Ourselves Some Reflections On My Life An Indelible Stamp The Beginning Of Western Scientific Thought Mountains Out Of Molehills Counting Cracks Only Speculation...Until Aubrey's Play Things And Development (On Aubrey) No Where To Go Leftovers And Stale Bread 2 Out Of 3 Gone Violated, Again A Horrible Century Not For Sissies (On Eric And My Father) Despite The Odds (On Vi) The Eyes More On Aubrey Lee The Conflicted Scientist-Inventor A Waiting Game A Little Hurt At Christmas (On Leandra) Mathematically My Musical Savior (On Katarina) Hope For The Best

252 254 256 259 260 261 262 271 272 275 278 279 280 284 285 288 289 291 294 295 296 297 299 301 302 304 305 306

Poems of Neil Michelsen 2020

Unlike You 1-29-2020 Two classes of people in India. Inspired by the 1966 black and white Bangali movie The Hero, directed by Satyajit Ray. ____ 1. You are one of those Who are chauffeured around by car and taxi And look out of its windows At the masses in the crowded streets and buses And thinks to himself in a sigh of relief: "There but for the grace of god go I." I, on the other hand, am one in a sea of humanity Who fill those very same buses and streets. 2. Unlike you, who can afford the private luxury Of being away, removed and insulated From the sweaty, smelly, unkempt and low-life masses − From the compressed bodies and jabbing elbows − From the loud noises of the horde And from the thunder of the centipede-footed mob − I am just one of those Who has to jab and poke to make my way Through the swift current of the mob.

3. Unlike you, who fly above and out of reach Of the swarms of human insects And look down from a safe altitude I am one of the indistinguishables in the swarm. 4. But unlike you, I can say with fresh-breath pride "How lucky I am, not to be one of you" Who is removed and perched up high In rarified and sanitized air − Removed from the earthy scents of things And out of touch with life. 5. I am one of the lucky ones In touch with life and with those Who fill the buses and the streets. *****

The Columnist 1-29-2020 Saying it in exactly the right amount of words. _____ 1. If you had to pick a word to best describe him It would be a "columnist" − Not in the literal, newspaper sense But in the figurative or analogous sense In that he uses the exact and minimum amount of words Necessary to make his point − Just the right amount To get his point across and his rationales clearly stated Without being verbose, repetitive or boring While keeping the audience's interest high. He always speaks as if he were writing a column for a paper Where he only has a limited amount of space and time to work with. 2. He is succinct, convincing and entertaining Making all his points naturally. He also knows just how much to say and not to say And just how to say it too. And just like a true columnist He also knows when less is more And enough is enough. ***** 3

Too Good To Be True 8-22-2020 Something just too unlikely. _____ 1. They were so happy − So happy that their happiness was bubbling over And oozing out of them. 2. They always had such big smiles on their faces − Big giant smiles. 3. But always smiling and always oozing with happiness Was unusual − And thus, somewhat suspect. 4. Having ready and spontaneous smiles Every time and all the time Was a little suspicious And made you wonder If they were painted on for show And not at all genuine.

4. How long could they last? How long could they hold out? How long could they keep up the facade? No one could be that happy And it just all seemed Too good to be true. 5. I waited and I watched − Like I was watching a bulging dam Waiting for it to burst. 6. Life could not create Such unbounded and consistent happiness − Not from my experience at least. But is my disbelief tainted By my own less fortunate circumstances? 7. Despite the possibility that life could produce Such an anomaly − Such an alchemy of perfection − Was to me Just too good to be true. *****

Thoughtful And Enigmatic 8-15-2020 Inspired by The Snow Leopard by Peter Matthiessen _____ 1. The marginal notes of the monks Speak of the roar of Eternity and the Void. 2. I have fallen behind in history. History has skipped over me And left me out. I am in a lifetime too late. 3. Good manners can hide a mean spirit. 4. My tears freeze in the corners of my eyes. 5. The bleat of a goat seems to echo The dread rumble of the Universe. 6. By custom and religious belief The bodies of the dead are left unburied To be returned to the elements − Death into Life. 6

7. This is the gaze that he shares with the animals Seen darkly as in the sharp eyes of a lizard. 8. It's a futile attempt to paint order and chaos On one canvas. 9. I see the black emblem of a man against the sun As in a dream. 10. The sun heats up the sky behind the mountains. 11. No snowflake ever falls in the wrong place No flower grows without mistakes And all miracles come slightly tarnished. 12. I feel the splendid, but wild and murderous power of the world. 13. The sun reveals itself hiding behind the mountain. 14. My voice is swept away by a violent wind. 15. The children look right through me − Perhaps I have become invisible, at last.

16. The fury of the dark. The weary light of a dying summer. During the Dark Ages all faith and knowledge were suffocated. 17. The stream finds its own way along the forest floor But the forest sips from its edges, and takes its feudal fee for passage. 18. The dew-wet leaves capture the morning sunlight Turning them into a million mirrors. 19. It's the black thread Of both an open nerve And something unfinished. 20. It is the cruel and horrid face That cancer gives to death. 21. "Where is the teacher?", I asked "When you are ready, the teacher will appear", he replied. 22. Simplicity is the whole secret of all well-being. 23. To "clutch the mountain" means to die. 24. I feel the feather of an unknown bird.

25. Sweat and dried salty grime Formed his new outer skin. 26. I have arrived a lifetime later and too late. 27. It was such a lonely remark in this hollow night − A remark that echoed low and empty. 28. Like lobsters They flee backwards into their safe crannies. 29. He acts with Aryan pride And advantage. 30. Atoms are mostly empty But compact themselves into a solid impenetrables. 31. When the trees are bare the wind is on its own Free and uninhibited. 32. I saw a foreign shadow Which unnerved me. 33. Mist loses its form, but still exists But is finally dissolved in the sun. ***** 9

The End Of My Road Trip 4-21-2020 Aging. _____ 1. What's that I see in my rear view mirror Coming up fast behind me? And what is it that I now see In my side view mirror Getting ready to pass me? ~ It's another year! 2. I speed up to gain some distance And zigzag left and right To try and block it But it's got the speed and road-skill advantage That I can't match. 3. And for every year that goes by I get slower and the years faster Making it that much more easy For them to whizz right by me.

4. This all foretells of the inevitable: When one day I'll have to Pull off to the side of the road Turn off my engine And call it an end to my road trip And my days on the road. *****

When You Find God 1-5-2020 Finding more than what you wanted. _____ When you find God You'll also find the Devil Close at hand. *****

Fate 2-7-2020 Fate personified. _____ 1. It happened so fast That I almost didn't feel it And so, didn't pay much attention to it At first. 2. But he soon noticed all the blood − A huge amount of bright red blood. It came from a very a small cut But one that had clipped an artery. 3. He was losing so much blood That he began to feel light headed almost right away. It also made him feel kind of apathetic − As if he was in a daze − In a daze that made him feel like he was floating And strangely almost euphoric. 4. But he knew that he was going fast − That he was dying. 13

5. He was bleeding out so fast That he knew that he'd never make it to the hospital And the EMS personnel would never make it to him in time. So why go through all that effort to try and save himself He reasoned When in all likelihood It would all be for naught? 6. Acting on that line of reasoning, He packed his cut with some towels to slow the bleeding Cleaned up the floor as best he could And hoisted himself into the bathtub So things wouldn't be so messy when they found him He further reasoned. And with a gallows sense of humor He thought that the tub Would ironically serve as his provisional casket. 7. He didn't feel mad or panicked About the tragedy that was happening And was amazed how calm he was. 8. He took comfort in the fact That he had a long and full life over all And that he'd have to die one day anyway And maybe suffer a death that was long and painful. So dying like this Wasn't that bad of an alternative, He continued to reason.

9. He also took poetic comfort in what was happening: Witnessing the mysterious workings of Fate itself. Fate had become tangible and personified Causing him to look at his demise almost philosophically. 10. Dying this way He told himself Was a simple, quiet and dignified way to go Without any panic-stricken self-pity That would be unmanly and unbecoming And that you so often see. So, accepting that it was just his Fate He took no action And calmly... waited. *****

Base Priorities 1-5-2020 The relative value of things. _____ All the goodness in the world And in the Heavens themselves Cannot overcome the base priority Of finding something to eat. ~ The wolf must be fed Before he can be approached. *****

Ramblings 7-5-2020 Ramblings from a disquiet mind. _____ 1. The world is quiet at 3 AM Making it easier for me to hear myself think But not easy for any solace For I can also hear The breathing of furtive bats And the flapping of their leathery wings Somewhere in damp echoing caves As if I were there. 2. I try to avoid the appearance of wrongdoing But I am not the best advocate for my defense As I wobble on the pedestal on which I stand. 3. There is a brawling sea of questions eddying around me Whose undertow is exhausting. Some who are watching are curious But curiosity does not always convert Into mercy or help.

4. The mountains With their broad shoulders and lack of manners Often stick their snow-capped icy fingers in the eye of God. Landscapes are not blameless either For they fail to come to God's defense when needed. 5. Given the chance and motive Jealousy can easily start to root Even in the purest of hearts. 6. Moonlight falls before me Like a carpet rolled out As if I were some king. Is this real or just a dream tonight That I'll only be able to verify In the morning light? 7. Often I find myself Faced with the impossible: Saving the saved. 8. I ramble and ramble on Trying to tie these random thoughts together And make some sense of them. But in the end they may only be Basic and stand-alone elements In some linguistic periodic table That can't ever be logically tied together. ***** 18

Crystal Milky Moon 7-1-2020 On a full moon night. _____ 1. Oh full and ancient crystal moon How white, like bottled milk, you are And how evenly and quietly You paint your eerie rays on the ground Electrifying my imagination And exciting my fears. 2. Sometimes your rays Drip like melted-grey candle wax Portraying spirit-like images In ghostly relief. 3. And what also comes In the silence of the night Are moon-born shadows That softly stroke their velvet fingers Along the ground As they blindly try to find their way.

4. Lovers sing to the moon And its alabaster beauty While werewolves howl in the forests At its pock-marked face. 5. I looked into the misty forest Between the towering trunks of old gnarly trees And noticed a see-through image of Edgar Allen Poe − With whom I identify as a kindred spirit − Sitting on a tree stump with a notebook in his hand Writing poetry inspired by the moonlight And its orphaned cast-off shadows. 6. I was tempted to call out or wave to him and say hello But not wanting to break his train of thought I kept silent and just watched him as he worked Wondering what kind of magnificent poem would result By my letting him finish Uninterrupted. *****

Fate Is Fate 7-1-2020 50 years of separation just disappeared. _____ 1. For all of almost 50 years they've been apart Until by fate or happenstance They met again. 2. 50 years ago The earth had cracked apart between them Creating an unbridgeable gulf of time and distance − An abyss − With he on one ledge And she on the other. 3. Somehow though − But not without the pain of separation And of not having what could have been − They accepted it as their fate Taking reconciling comfort in the belief That fate is fate And fate would always dictate What was meant to be.

4. Then one day Just as they had hoped and prayed The gulf between them closed And they found themselves Toe to toe and face to face again As if nothing had happened And no time had ever passed. 5. It happened so fast and was so natural That they just picked up where they left off − No catching up to do − No questions asked. It was fate again at work And they questioned nothing about it. 6. Without skipping a beat They were together again As though they had never been apart Which only proved to them That fate is fate And they were always meant to be. *****

She Was Old Brooklyn (On Chris) 1-30-2020 Remembering my sister, Chris. _____ 1. She was Brooklyn. My younger and deceased sister, Christine Was Old Brooklyn − Not the New Brooklyn that's been gentrified And now a name-dropping Mecca, so to speak But rather the Old Brooklyn From back in the 50s, 60s and 70s And even in the 80s − The Brooklyn of dark and littered streets And tough guys just "hanging around" looking for trouble And the Brooklyn that was Mafia run And full with their "businesses", "social clubs" and "lounges". Chris was that Old Brooklyn. 2. Chris was Old Brooklyn: Half Irish, half Norwegian, half Jewish Half paisano and half everything else With that hard recognizable Brooklyn accent And all its signature "dis' and "dats" That could stop a full-weight freight train.

3. Chris was Old Brooklyn: Street smart, glib, quick on her feet And not afraid of a fight to stand her ground. And what a story teller she was − A story teller about the family and the neighborhood. And oh, how she could talk − Non-stop. When I was on the phone with her And she was into one of her stories I could put the phone down and make myself a coffee And come back, pick up the phone and give an "Uh-huh" And she'd never know I was gone. 4. Chris was Old Brooklyn: She was a piece of work − A beautiful piece of work And a piece of my life that was taken away And that I miss every single day. And what made it worse was the fact That she was the one who understood me the best And was my biggest "fan". We had a very special brother and sister bond That's hard to explain And impossible to replace. 5. Oh how I miss my little sister, Chris − My little Brooklyn − My special and beautifully Old Brooklyn sister, Chris. ***** 24

The Set-Up 1-19-2020 Over encouragement.. _____ 1. When he was a boy His father had so much hope for him And with all good intentions He constantly gave him words of encouragement Building up his confidence and telling him That he could succeed at anything in life: ~ "You can do anything you want, son When you put your mind to it." ~ "Nothing can stop you." ~ "You can be anyone you want to be." ~ 2. And when he became a young man Those words were imprinted in his head and heart And made him confident about his success in all his aspirations And he undertook everything on that basis and with that belief.

3. But unfortunately the reality was That he didn't have the talent Or the drive That his father had tried to instill in him And that he had come to believe about himself. And so he failed − Not just failed But crashed and burned. 4. It wasn't just the fact that he couldn't achieve All or anything that he felt he could But rather it was the fact that His whole belief system collapsed. He was disillusioned and lost his self esteem And whatever self-esteem he did have before Turned into self-loathing and deep depression And a feeling that he was a complete failure And would forever be a failure. He was literally crushed as a person. 5. His father only taught him about being A success But nothing about how to handle Failure. His father's one sided words of encouragement and confidence Turned his well-intentioned and hopeful wish Into an unfortunate and unintended "set-up" − And recipe for failure. *****

Afraid Of The Dark 8-31-2020 The darkness of a coffin. _____ 1. He was afraid of the dark − Not so much because of what might be in it But because it replicated The confined and airless darkness Of a coffin. 2. The weight of the darkness Squeezed the logic and security out of him. 3. He frequently had to get up during the night Just to confirm That the darkness of his room Didn't mean that he'd been buried alive. With these nightly panic attacks He was often exhausted by morning. How could he resolve this debilitating fear?

4. He eyed the bottle of pills on the end table And drifted toward them in his mind As a way to end his nightly terror. But he resisted that deadly elixir As it might represent no more Than a bargain with a Devil And a counterfeit solution And a case where the cure Might be worse than the disease. 5. A circle perpetuates Its own ever-changing direction Leading somewhere But then again, nowhere For it is always destined To return to its starting place. It turns its back when leaving And comes face to face when it returns. 6. There may be no peaceful way For him to get any sleep Except for the long and final one − The one that sits in the dark Waiting patiently for its time.. *****

A Russian Poem 6-17-2020 A Russian poem in Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment. _____ ~ The darker the night The brighter the stars. The deeper the grief The closer is God. ~ *****

Psychic Connections? 8-20-2020 Communications with the dead? _____ 1. When I think about my deceased father and mother And my deceased sisters Do they pick up on that? Is a physic connection made between Me, the sender And them, the receivers? Does the physical world operate that way? 2. Even though I don't hear any voices At the other end Can I assume there's no connection When there very well might be one? 3. Often when I think about my dead family members I feel something. A synapse connection? Is that just wishful and emotional thinking Or something real but just unworldly? Should I stay on the line longer − Be more patient − Listen harder − In the hope that the connection Will get better?

4. Communication has progressed: From sign language To speech To writing To electronics To audio and other types of waves Giving us the ability to communicate Not only amongst ourselves But also to "communicate" with Inanimate objects And that progression may include Being able to communicate with The spirit world of the dead. 5. I keep an open mind About this exciting, hopeful And somewhat scary thought. *****

Go For The Jugular 8-30-2020 Don't delay the inevitable. _____ 1. Am I feeling the symptoms of my end? And if so, will they mature and come to be? Or will they pass and allow me Another burst of life? 2. Is my thunderous heartbeat Just following the rhythm of some temporary fright And not something more serious That I should worry about? 3. But if the symptoms Portend of something more serious I urge them to not be a timid kitty cat And only nip at my ankles That will just prolong the inevitable But rather go for my neck and the jugular As the big cats do And get it over with. ***** 32

No Man's Land 7-1-2020 She keeps on trying. _____ 1. Every day she tries to get a little closer − To be accepted by him − But each day he pulls away By the same amount as she advances And maybe even more − Always keeping himself Just out of reach. 2. Ever since she's known him It's been that way. There's always been A No Man's Land between them That has remained as sort of a standoff. 3. But she never gives up And keeps on trying and hoping That someday she'd gain some ground − That he'll accept her And invite her into his world And maybe, even love her. ***** 33

Feet In The Mud 7-1-2020 Reminding us that we are still part of nature. _____ 1. Oh Rain Keep coming down in torrents − I love the torrential thunder that you make. 2. And I love those muddy puddles That cool and massage my hot and achy feet Caking them in your soothing mud. 3. And I love as well The feel of each crusty mud cake As it dries and breaks off my feet in bits and pieces As I walk through soft wet grass. 4. There is nothing like bear feet Sunk ankle-deep in mud To remind us of the forest animals That we still are. ***** 34

His Box Of Raisin Bran 4-13-2020 Too much of anything is a flaw. _____ 1. He wouldn't − couldn't − think of Just haphazardly ripping open the sealed bag Inside his box of Raisin Bran − Rather, he had to neatly cut it open at the top With scissors So it would make a straight and even line Where nothing was jagged and unsightly Physically and mentally. 2. And when he finished his cereal He closed the box top using its prefabricated tabs. 3. But as he was walking away Out of the corner of his eye and his psyche He noticed that the top hadn't closed properly And was a little misaligned Which he just couldn't leave that way And so went back to it and "made it right." If he hadn't, he wouldn't have been able to sleep that night.

4. There were a million things like that − A million little alignments, adjustments and fixes − That occupied and crowded his mind every day. And until he fixed what had to be fixed He was discontent and restless. 5. Needless to say He was never at peace For there was always something "not right" That just had to be fixed. His fastidiousness was certainly an admirable trait On the surface of it and in theory But like anything, too much of anything Becomes an obsession And not an admirable trait at all. 6. His meticulousness Was certainly a character strength But taken to an extreme It became an offsetting weakness And character flaw. ~ What was his doing Was also his undoing. *****

Ignorance Is Bliss 4-15-2020 The best of both worlds. _____ 1. Despite all the elations and euphorias − All the beauty, joy and love of life − There are still all the downs and frowns to deal with − All the pains and apprehensions − All the angst, worries and uncertainties That come along and diminish Or even totally eradicate All the positives in life. 2. So isn't it simpler and better Not to have to deal with and take into account All the million pluses and minuses − The goods and the bads − In order to determine if you're in a net positive Or a net negative position? Isn't it better just to be "ignorant" And not have to deal with any and all of that And be obliviously ignorant of it all?

3. "Ah", but you say, "Then you'd miss all the positives in life − All the beauty, joy and satisfactions." But I say to that, "If you were truly ignorant of it all You'd both avoid the stresses of the bad things in life And never even be aware of the good things you're missing." 4. "Ignorance is bliss" Giving you the best of both worlds. Avoiding all the bad things And never even knowing about the good things. 5. To me it's a no-brainer And has the philosophical echo Of the words of Sophocles The ancient Greek tragedian Who said: ~ “To never have been born

May be the greatest gift of all." ~ *****

The Best That I Can Do 7-1-2020 A married man's dilemma of love. _____ 1. I have never loved anyone Like I have loved you. But I have to tell you, to be honest That despite my passionate love for you I can never leave my wife For she's been the truest and most loving woman That I have ever known and loved And I owe her that. 2. Oh how I want to have you Unencumbered But I can't And won't. 3. I can, though, compromise And share my love with you But that's the best that I can do.

4. She's always known That I've never given all my love to her So my compromising love to you And compromising betrayal to her Is something she might not even sense. But if she ever did find out And more so if I were to ever leave her It would crush her Which is something That I would never do. 5. (Oh, God, please forgive me For this seemingly cold and selfish evaluation And resulting indecent proposal But it's something That I'm just unable to resist.) 6. Although you were hoping for more from me And I would love to accommodate that hope I could never be that unfaithful Or that disloyal as to leave her For I owe her that. 7. While I will share my love with you That's the best and the most That I am willing to do. *****

Sadly More Of The Same 7-4-2020 Wishing for more where there is no more. _____ 1. Today I saw the sun rise in the East. Then I watched it cross the noon day sky. And then later in the day I watched it settle in the west. Each one of them was a beautiful and splendid sight. 2. And tomorrow They'll be another one of each. 3. Even though each one is spectacular And those that follow May be even more spectacular than the prior ones It could be said that each one Is just "more of the same": Today was the same as yesterday And tomorrow will be the same as today More or less.

4. Each and every day Is more or less More of the same − The same thing reheated. Leftovers Served up again. 5. While the details of color and texture Will kaleidoscopingly vary And be beautifully interesting Each in their own right The thinking reality of it is − More or less − They will all be Pretty much the same. 6. While no criticism should be cast upon those Who cherish each day's magnificent arrival and departure There are those who have more demanding minds And look for, appreciate and want, more variety. They wish that they could cherish all those sunrises and sunsets And always look forward to them But sadly their natures demand more. And doubly sad for them is the fact That there is nothing more. And to make matters worse Is that every sunrise and sunset they see Is in a way Like rubbing salt into their wounds. ***** 42

Dreaming? 6-11-2020 He's hopeful but still unsure. _____ 1. After a long time being out of work And a long trail of rejections He starts a new job tomorrow. 2. And even though he used a lot of his money While he was out of work He still has a little cash left in the bank As a reserve. 3. And yesterday He used a little of that reserve to celebrate And treated himself to a good meal With a nice glass of wine. 4. He feels better than he's felt in a long time And actually looking forward to things Since, I don't know when. Has his life turned the corner? Or will he wake up dreaming again? ***** 43

A Spiritual Walk 6-9-2020 Life and aging. Inspired by the book, The Forgotten Road by Richard Paul Evans. _____ 1. As we age A different man begins to emerge: One who is bent, warped, dried up and hardened By disappointment and surrender. And as we age The dark side of the moon Begins to show its face. 2. Life and the Universe Conspire against us And we contribute to both Its speed and its outcome. 3. It is said that Life can only be lived forwards And only understood backwards And I believe that. What a convoluted premise.

4. Trying to hold back the inevitable Or change what is meant to be Is impossible. 5. So I resort − Not as a remedy But as a relieving salve or ointment − To taking a slow, deliberate and meditative walk As the aborigines do with their spiritual walks Where they fain finding their song That helps to keep them in their senses. *****

The Old Styles 6-20-2020 A good woman, but somewhat out of date. _____ 1. She wore long modest dresses Even in the summer. She painted her lips with rich Hollywood-red As her role models in the old movies did. Her jewelry was overdone and gaudy But she didn't see it that way And thought it was classy. Her hair was always done up high In the old style. And her face was somewhat over-powdered Making her look a little bit like a ceramic doll. 2. She was in her own little world − The world she thought reflected the best in her And the best in style and class. "Once a lady, always a lady", she believed Despite the changing times. She believed that a true lady Didn't and shouldn't Have to "keep up with the times" And that class and grace were timeless.

3. They wanted to tell her That she was a misanthrope But they didn't and couldn't For fear it would crush her. Since she was a good woman They respectfully didn't want to break her bubble As this fragile gem-of-the-past lady was worth protecting. 4. In a closing footnote: Who's to say what's out of date? − Certainly not class. And as for styles They always come back. *****

The Morning After 4-25-2020 Aging. A recurring theme for me. _____ 1. Each morning that I wake up I'm half surprised That I have, in fact Another day ahead of me. 2. But at age 77 I know that one morning I will not wake up But rather be entombed In some black silence of nothingness. 3. On the other hand I may wake up somewhere else That's not nothing, but rather something Like in some tribunal witness stand To plea-bargain my case As we have been warned will be the case.

4. Alternatively I may find myself in new other world − In another life − In which I'll have to live again. 5. At my age Each night before I go to sleep I think about the morning after And all its possibilities. *****

Nature Wins Again 2-3-2020 Unemotional and unsympathetic Nature. Inspired by a 2003 column, "A Doctor's Duty" by Charles Krauthammer, a columnist for the Washington Post. _____ 1. The Bijani twins − Ladan and Laleh − Were Siamese twins Born in Iran And co-joined at the head. Accordingly, they had to coordinate And do everything together − Everything. 2. Everything − From dressing and deciding what to wear, To choosing what to eat To going to the bathroom To deciding on a career − Everything. 3. For almost 30 years it was like that But they always yearned to be individuals − To have their own lives and personalities.

4. They knew the risks And so did the doctors And so did everyone else who cautioned them. But they had to try to separate. 5. The doctors in Singapore Tried their best But unfortunately both died − One first Then the other, right afterwards. It was a real "' 'til death do us part" scenario. 6. Nature governed And made them what they were. And Nature took them As it had also governed. 7. Once again Unemotionally and unsympathetically The victory went Nature's way. ***** * Chang and Eng Bunker (1811–1874) were the first pair of conjoined twins to become internationally known. The brothers were from Siam (Thailand) hence the name, Siamese twins. Since they had Chinese parents in their home country of Siam, they were known as The Chinese Twins.

The Few Shoots That Make It Big 1-29-2020 The envy of the mongrels. _____ 1. On the forest floor Among the towering giants A hundred tree shoots start out in life. So small and inconsequential They were hardly noticed at all − And why should they be As everyone knows how unprotected-hard it is to survive And become shoots at all? As much as becoming a shoot is a great achievement In and of itself Most will never make it beyond that. 2. Half don't make it in their first year And half again in the next year And half again in the third And so on. And of those who do survive − Ravaged by insects and disease And starved of sunlight − Most will only become dwarfs Or sickly imitations of trees.

3. But among the overwhelming numbers Of those who die or will never be healthy There will only be a few fortunate ones Who will grow quiet and steady And who, before anyone knows it Will become giants among the giants As big and strong as any of them With strong trunk-backs and broad-branch shoulders And the envy of all the sickly mongrels Who will never make it to the top. *****

Sitting At My Grave 2-11-2020 Aging. A waiting game. _____ 1. At my age I sometimes imagine myself Sitting on the edge Of my pre-measured and pre-dug open grave That's waiting for my donation. 2. With my legs hanging over its edge My grave and I wait together For the inevitable − For the signal. 3. At my age It's a waiting game With the outcome and process Known and predetermined But just not its timing. *****

Clouds 1-9-2020 Masking one's shame. Inspired from the Spanish film, "Amador." _____ 1. God hides behind the clouds To mask His shame For all the imperfections that he's imbedded In all His creations And for all the pain and suffering that that has caused And that He will not or cannot fix. 2. He also hides in shame For having allowed us to compound things By engineering us with weak and faulty natures That lead us to our sins. 3. I try to see behind the clouds − To see His face But as I suspected He won't show Himself. *****

A Million Little Mouths 1-10-2020 Inspired by the short story "Pity and Shame" by Ursula K. Le Guin. _____ 1. From a distance far above the globe You can see little mouths Opening and closing. These are the graves of those who have passed away As they are swallowed by the earth. 2. All over the globe The mouths open up Receive their hosts And then close shut. 3. Every minute of the day All over the globe Millions of little mouths open and close To devourer our remains. *****

Please Don't Surprise Me In My Sleep 9-6-2020 On the death of a long time friend, Tom Scanlon. _____ 1. A few years ago When a long time friend of mine Died in his sleep An alarm went off inside of me As he was 76 And about the same age as me at the time. 2. His sudden death Scared me with the realization That chronologically, I was at the perfect candidate age To be taken away unsuspectingly in my sleep Just like he was. 3. I'm scared to think of Where I might be in the queue Or what the expiration date is on my label And that one night, after I say good-night I'll be going upstairs to my death chamber Where my silent execution will take place.

4. I don't want to die at night While the whole house is sleeping. I don't want Death sneaking up on me When the guards are all asleep. 5. "If I stay awake they can't get me", I rationalize And many nights I tried that exhausting vigil To guard against my unceremonious, Brutus-like murder. 6. A clandestine abduction Under every one's noses Is not the way I want to go 7. What I would prefer and pray for Is to have some time To get my final house in order, For my mind to adjust and reconcile itself To this final and momentous event, And to properly say my good-byes to those I love Even if that prologue grace period of time Comes at the risk of a measure of suffering From some terminal affliction. 8. Oh Death, please don't jump me in my sleep As you did to my old friend, Tom. *****

Time And Space 1-10-2020 A sense of time and space. _____ 1. He was bedridden and alone. And when night came And the dark and silence pressed on him So did his thoughts and fears. 2. As the hours came and went He'd now and again look out his window And see the stars shining Against the infinity of deep black space And grasp a glimpse of the meaning of time and space. 3. Time and space now had identities all their own to him And became sort of dark and silent companions But companions that would only share The shallowest aspects of their depths For any more than that He would never be able to understand anyway. So he accepted that As it was at least something And better than nothing. ***** 59

Instinct 1-13-2020 Instinct rules. _____ 1. Instinct can't be taught. It's either in you Or it's not. 2. The strength of the lion Will take down its prey But without the timing of the jump They'd be no kill. Timing comes from instinct And makes all the difference. 3. While it's strength That gets the notice and the accolades It's instinct That wears the crown. *****

"Losing It" 1-12-2020 Daydreaming or something else? _____ 1. He recently finds himself drifting. Drifting off the subject Is one thing But drifting off the road Is another. While it's noticeable To others It's more noticeable To him. 2. He tries to think of when it first started But can't remember Exactly − Was it a year or two or three years ago? Or was it a long and gradual thing That slowly snuck up on him? He just didn't know.

3. He doesn't care much about the details − About the when, the where, the how or the why of things. His major concern is That he's "losing it" − If "losing it" is the right term for it. 4. It would be a relief for him to know That whatever it is And whatever you call it That it's just a form of daydreaming. 5. But when he finally went to see the doctor about it He was told that it was something Much more serious than just daydreaming. 6. And when he cut through All the technical medical terms The plain English, bottom line was That he was in fact "Losing it" And all that that connoted. Not a good prognosis. *****

My Ballerina 1-6-2020 In love with an illusion. _____ 1. Wind up the music box And my little ballerina dances So beautifully and innocently In little measured circles On her little mechanical stage. She's just the kind of girl I've always wanted If only life were that way And make believes were true. 2. I watch her for hours With the chime music hypnotizing me And enter another world Where my ballerina lives. 3. I worked up the courage one time To ask her out But she didn't answer me. I was hurt by that And never asked her out again. But, I forgave her And never stopped loving her And even thought about trying again sometime. 63

4. Although she was just an illusion to me And I, was just a flattering amusement to her I never stopped loving her As she was So very real to me. *****

Too Much Attention To Detail 1-18-2020 Missing the bigger picture. _____ 1. He was sneaking up on the camp site Of his arch enemy With whom he'd been enemies for years. 2. The woods were brittle-dry So any step he took Could sound the alarm If he wasn't careful. 3. He calculated each and every step Before he put his foot down To make sure it wouldn't make a sound. He laser-focused on the ground Picking out the most silent step − A small or long one − A full-footed, heeled or one on tippy toes. His body was always contorted By all the irregular and off-balanced positions he had to assume In order to be as silent as possible And not be discovered.

4. But by focusing all his attention On the details of making sure he wouldn't make a sound He overlooked two important things: How close he actually was to his target And how much more obvious he was With all those contorted movements. And because of that He was discovered Long before he should have been. 5. So he was the one who was killed that day Ironically, just before he was about to take that next Perfectly silent and calculated step. *****

A New Style Of Painting 1-6-2020 Accepting the alternative. _____ 1. Anything he painted never came out As he intended. He couldn't draw a landscape or a city scene Without it looking off As he had no skill in proportion or perspective. And as for his action figures and portraits Forget about it They never looked like anything in real life. 2. He loved art though And wanted to continue to paint. So as a way to counter all the deficiencies in his art And to cover his inadequacies as a representative artist He exaggerated his mistakes to the extreme As both his "in-your-face" defiance of the critics And of his own disappointment in himself. But by doing so he inadvertently Got the attention of the art community Who bought it hook, line and sinker And branded it a new and unique form of art − A combination of impressionist and abstract art.

3. He never intended to scam anyone Or misrepresent his work − He just loved to paint But just wasn't good at it And so all that he did Was just for the love of painting And giving the public "what they wanted." 4. He never boasted about his work. Never explained, justified or BSed about it. He just did what he loved to do And now, what he had to do. 5. When he looked at his works All he saw were failed attempts At how he wanted things to look But accepted his new "style" as a necessary evil And always with hope that some day He'd acquire the sills to be the artist he wanted to be. 6. So although he failed as the artist he wanted to be He accepted the consolation prize Of being the creator of a new style of painting That allowed him to continue to paint. It was a lopsided, convoluted, win-lose situation for him. "Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder" And accordingly he'd just have to live with that mixed blessing: Being rightly recognized, but for the wrong reason At least for the time being And until his art improved.

7. Ah, but therein lay a deep concern and a dark alternative In that if and when his work did improve It might not be revered as much as his faux art And that might be a lose-lose situation For both him and his admirers And something that he might not Be able to live with. 8. Is there a moral to this story? Maybe so, in that Maybe it's best for one to graciously accept the crown That the people bestow on you And forget about being so stubbornly "true to thine own self" As perhaps one's greater purpose and the greater good May be to serve and give what the people want. ~ And as it applies to him He should perhaps take comfort in the fact That maybe his new-style of painting is in fact, art But that he Just doesn't recognize it yet. *****

Foreign Intervention 1-22-2020 Explaining the effect of the war on him. _____ 1. After the war I'm still the same, but not the same. I can't describe feelings that can't be described So please don't ask me In any self-serving or curious attempt To help or to be sympathetic. If it's all the same to you I'd just rather be left alone To try and put another year behind me. 2. Let me deal with my stuff By myself Without any "do-gooder" foreign intervention No matter how well-intentioned it may be As I'll probably take it as disingenuous Or shallow prying curiosity Which won't help either one of us.

3. So if it's all the same to you Just let me deal with What I have to deal with Without interference As I try to put the puzzle Back together in my head. 4. I'm picking fights To hurt myself and those closest to me. Through some convoluted thinking I want to hurt and be hurt at the same time. What kind of damaged thinking is that? 5. Don't ask me how things are And try to draw me into A casual or "breakthrough" conversation − I'm beyond that ruse. Rather, let's just keep our distances For both our sakes. 6 I've experienced some terrible things in the war But I know others have seen much worse Which I just add on top of mine.

7. No matter how noble your intensions Or how hard you think you are Do yourself a favor And don't stop to look At the wreck on the highway But just drive on by. Take and appreciate the life you have And let me handle mine And accept the fact that life's not fair And not everything Can be cured. *****

A Crucifix Against The Demons 1-20-2020 What makes me write. _____ 1. If I were totally happy and content If I didn't have some shortages and worries Or if I didn't have some things that were missing in me I'd never write a poem or piece of music. 2. Whatever I write Obeys and fills a need As do caulk marks on a prison wall Or a candle in the forest. 3. As the sun goes down And the air gets colder And the shadows grow longer and darker I write my poems and music And hold them up and extended As crucifixes against the demons. *****

My Father Had It Worse 1-3-2020 I wish I could have done more for him. _____ 1. Sometimes when I'm down And feeling sorry for myself I feel guilty and embarrassed When I think about my father And how much worse he had it. 2. And when I look back At those troubled years of his (and ours) With more mature eyes I feel doubly bad about things For not having been more comfort to him. 3. Although I had some legitimate reasons For my inactions back then − In that I was young and immature And he was so very hard to live with − It wasn't enough of an excuse or reason To wash away the regret that I feel now.

4. Oh Life, why do you put us in such no-win situations Where we can never go back and correct our mistakes? How can you remain so content to leave things As broken and irreparable as they are? 5. Although nothing can be taken back or changed I often wonder if he at least sees me now Torturing myself over these regrets And knows the remorse I feel. And if he can I also wonder if that's at least Some belated comfort to him. I hope so. *****

A Definitive End? 9-15-2020 What's after death, if anything? _____ 1. When I pass away Where will I go? Or Will there be no "I" anymore And no "where" to go? 2. As with any and everything There is a beginning And And an end. 3. So with my birth having A definitive beginning I'm hoping that my passing will represent A definitive end With no such trailers as an afterlife.

4. In a heartbeat I would gladly forgo the rewards of Heaven To avoid the risk of Hell Or another long drawn-out worldly existence. ~ One life experiment is enough for me Leading me to the hope That after this life There is a definitive end. *****

All Things Have An End 8-12-2020 A repetitive theme about a definitive end. _____ 1. Lately I can see in and through the dark. I can see things that others can't. 2. I talk to the wind, the rain and the sky But I get no response. I also talk to the fire With the same frustrating result. But I know they all hear me Which makes it even worse. 3. No one believes me But I believe in what I know Which is hard to live with and reconcile And creates daily consternation. 4. But I know my ordeal will not last forever And that someday it will be over For if it had a beginning It will have an end. ***** 78

History's Virginity 6-20-2020 History is pure and true. _____ 1. History writes about you All throughout your life. No stopping. And when your life is over It's "pens down" and your record is complete At which point History moves on to another subject. 2. All is fixed and final. There was no editing during its writing. Nor is there any editing afterwards Nor any retractions, modifications or corrections. No footnotes, explanations or clarifying comments. No rationalizations, justifications or excuses. No changes whatsoever. 3. History records things in granite Exactly when, and how, they happen Never after the fact when memory and interpretation Are prone to distort the record.

4. If any modifications are made They will be unauthorized and slanted And violate History's virginity. *****

The Proper Order Of Things 4-7-2020 An adoptive father's dilemma. _____ 1. Son: "You lied to me about my beginnings − That you and Mom were my father and mother But now I find out that that was a lie. Why? Why did you have to lie to me?" 2. Father: "When you came to us You cried and cried And couldn't get to sleep. The nightmare that you came from Kept you awake and shaking in your bed." 3. Father: "I held you each night To stop your tremors. I sang you little lullabies To counter the screaming in your head. I couldn't bear to see you suffer in your memories So I told you were always with us And were always loved So you could feel safe and secure and have some peace." 81

4. Father: "I couldn't turn back the clock. I couldn't erase the past. Nor could I explain such complex things to you As you were only a child and wouldn't understand And become only more confused. So I did the best that I could So you'd have some peace And be able to get some sleep − I made up a little story for the meantime Before the traumas of your prior life Took their warping hold on you And waited for a better time to tell you things In more adult detail." 5. Father: "Oh how I hated to see you cry like that So I gave you a pacifier − A little story for the meantime To quell your wrenching." 6. Father: "I wasn't a doctor, a psychiatrist or a therapist I was just your adopted Dad who loved you And did the best that he could."

7. Father: "Call them lies if you like. Call them sins rather than blessings. Condemn me rather than thank me if you feel you must. Put it all on me if you want, even though I had nothing to do with your beginnings. Kick me, like a the dog Just because I'm the nearest target." 8. Father: "You don't remember, but I do − How I had to rock you in my arms each night And tell you little fairy tales Just so you could get some sleep. I didn't create this life dilemma And just did the best I could With your welfare in mind." 9. Commentary: Are parents to be condemned For reading fairy tales to their children Knowing that they're not really true? Are they to be condemned For not teaching their children About the dark side of life first Even though they're not ready for it And despite how it would warp their personalities? ~ Fairy tales first − And the real world later. That's the proper order of things. ***** 83

Our Little Tours Together (To Aubrey) 4-11-2020 The little "tours" we take together. _____ 1. When you got antsy And there was nothing left to try I'd pick you up And take you on a little "tour." 2. As soon as you were in my arms You'd stop your fussing. And as we toured Everything we'd come across Would capture your full and concentrated attention: Mom washing the dishes and your bottles Grandma filleting fish The family pictures on the counters The pots and pans on the stove And of course the TV.

3. As I held you in my arms I'd watch your profile And admire how beautiful your eyes were With their long and beautifully formed and turned-up eyelashes. I noted how you would not just look at things But rather study them With a long attention span. 4. And oh how you hung over The perch of my arm Like grapes on a vine So you could get a closer view of things. You were very heavy in that hanging position But I locked my 77 year old arms To support your weight. 5. Then we'd swing by the milk warmer And check how many minutes were left Before your bottle was ready. And if we had a minute or two We'd have time for a tour Of another room in the house.

6. And when we went to the music room I'd bring you up to the window Where the red-berried Nellie holly tree was And where you'd look it up and down With your darting head and eyes − Studying it in amazed silence. Oh how'd I give a million dollars To know what was going on In that little observer-scientist brain of yours − The brain that evidenced great intelligence And that I prayed would mature that way. 7. And then on the way back to the kitchen − Thinking your milk was ready by now − We'd pass over the living room floor Where you'd hang over my arm even more Mesmerized by the sunlight-created shadows That swayed at our feet on the floor. Oh how that captivated you − The milk could wait As I could see that your brain Was working overtime. 8. And when we got back to the kitchen We'd stop by the refrigerator and open its doors Which made your eyes just light up And your smile beam bright As you delighted in touching everything you could. It was a treasure box for you As was the freezer too.

9. This became our routine And one that stopped all your fussing and uneasiness As if you had an "on-off" switch on you. You probably won't remember These little tours with me, your doting Grandpa So I hope this poem will serve the purpose Of filling that probable little gap in your memory − And memorialize our little bit of history, together. Love, Grandpa *****

The Town Library 2-18-2020 Captivated for life. _____ 1. He was not content With what he had accomplished in life And to him the achievements that were possible Seemed unlikely. So he decided take a break Pack some bags And take a long trip somewhere. 2. After some months of traveling From one town to another He came upon one town that had a very interesting library − A library of books that he had never heard of before − Books with subjects that captivated him − Subjects that were both enlightening and mysterious. He read one book after another But couldn't quench his thirst And yearned for more.

3. And when he assessed the volume of books there That he wanted to read but had not yet He knew that it would take him forever. That's when he made his decision To give up his career And to stay and read them all. His sabbatical turned into something permanent. A mild curiosity turned into a grasping passion. 4. Yes, he gave up both his good career and former life In exchange for something new and very different − Something that would give him knowledge and enrichment. It was a unique opportunity That would never come to him again. After some further thought about it He confirmed his decision to go for it And give up everything else. 5. And so he read book after book With one book being better than the next. He exchanged one life for another. He closed the door of the room he came from And opened the door of the room in front of him − A much, much bigger room. *****

My Corners Of The Room 2-21-2020 My little sanctuaries. _____ 1. I go and sit in the corner of the room Without being told. For me it's not a punishment But rather a relief − A relief from the stresses of center stage − The center stage where I never felt comfortable anyway About my looks or my performance. 2. Thank god every room has a corner − Four of them in fact, from which I can take my pick. Each corner is a sanctuary That's indicative of my reclusiveness − That saves me from the glaring light of attention And where I can make myself Impervious to the peering eyes of others And hide from both the responsibility of good fortune And the failures of performance.

3. Why should I frustrate myself Trying to be someone or something That I'm not and can't be? Rather I should just recognize That I'm only a dog tied to a cart Who'd be wise to just run with it. 4. I am what I am And thankful for having these little corners That are always there for me Whenever I need them. 5. I have no god, church or sponsor to rely on Rather just my little corners As my sanctuaries. 6. I never felt That I was a natural member of the herd. And while I can't avoid society totally I don't have to embrace it But rather just make the best of it. 7. I aim to stay beneath the notice of others But at the same time strangely I want to be noticed. And tangled in the rubble of that twisted secret Is the root of all my angst and worry.

8. The organic community that I should And want to be part of Has been pulverized into disassociated atoms And therefore affords me no protection. 9. I could never spring up fully armed and ready Against those I feel will do me harm And so I just keep my distance And my eye on things from my little corners of the room Looking for any suspicious glance or approach. *****

I Don't Want To Know From Nothing 5-3-2020 Burying my head in the sand. _____ 1. I can't stand bad news So I do all I can, to ignore it. I often put myself in a bubble To insulate myself from the world − From reality − And pretend that it doesn't exist. Oh, once in a while I'm forced to take a peek outside But it's only a peek And one that I try to minimize. 2. I know the world is out there For I can see its moving images and shadows And hear its voices, rustlings and rumblings. But I do my best to shut my eyes And plug my ears Just hoping I can ignore it enough to get by And not be sucked into its turmoil And forced to deal with it. ~ I'm an ostrich With my head buried in the sand.

3. When I hear about the record highs in the market I turn off the radio As I don't want to think about All the investment opportunities I've missed Because I've been too chicken to join the rush And risk a market downturn. 4. And when the political news comes on I turn that off too For I don't what to deal with Any of its no-solution problems And risk adding them on to my own problems. 5. All I want to do Is put my blinders on Set my course on automatic pilot And take my hands off the controls For a straight and decisionless ride To wherever it takes me. 6. I'm in my own little make believe world. I've created my own fake reality But it's my reality And one that keeps me safe and secure As I've defined it in my own mind at least And where it counts the most.

7. And that's where I'll stay Until the real world gets so bad That I can't ignore it Or so aggressive and intrusive that it comes and gets me And rips me out of my bubble And forces me to deal with it. 8. Being a pessimist I have this aversion, fear and distain of and for the real world. So by creating my own little make-believe world I can make myself into a makeshift and faux optimist of sorts Or create an "ignorance-is-bliss" safe zone Which is the best that I can do Under the circumstances. 9. Yes, I'm in my own fake little world But it's better than the real one for the time being And one that will last Until the bubble breaks one day And the real world kidnaps me into its maelstrom. ~ So until then I will remain in this little bubble of mine And keep my head in the sand 'Cause I just don't want to know from nothing. *****

He Wasn't So Special At All 2-10-2020 His bubble burst. _____ 1. She did everything for him Was sensitive and responsive to all his needs. She also forgave all of his faults, hurts and indiscretions. Anything he suggested they do She went along with For his sake. He felt so lucky to have a girl Who thought of him as so "Special" And who did everything Just for him. 2. But one day as he was basking in his good fortune And in his special and assumed position Everything came crashing down When he realized That he wasn't so "Special" to her at all And it was just her nature To be that way To everyone. ***** 96

Love Got In The Way (On Vi) 1-12-2020 Knocked off my trajectory. _____ 1. I was prepared to be a wild bachelor all my life. And why not? For I was reasonably good looking, tall and trim And had a good job and some mad money To wine and dine the girls. My plan was to keep this going as long as I could And didn't see an end to it. It was an unobstructed, self-centered, hedonistic and envious life With no one or no thing Getting in my way or slowing me down. My plan was to keep this perpetual motion machine going As long as I could or wanted to. That was the plan and the trajectory. 2. Then one day Something got in my way And knocked me off my trajectory − It was a good girl. I tried many times and many ways To recover and get back on track, but it was useless − I was a goner. A good girl and love got in my way. ***** 97

Impressive Phrases 9-5-2020 Phrases that impressed me from some of the books I've read. _____ 1. She was a shell of a person that she once was. She was there, but she wasn't. 2. Oh how I wish the world would read Like a children's book. 3. Only the survivors Will see the sunrise tomorrow. 4. One price for love Can be death. 5. The fault lines in my heart Reveal themselves.

6. It was hard to breathe As if the air was a thick syrup. 7. He left his shadow behind as a place marker So he would know where to return to. 8. He believes With the innocent conviction of a child. 9. The scar tissue of his memories Was as hard as granite. 10. I shine my light into the shadows Hoping I would and hoping I wouldn't See something. 11. He could see the clouds But couldn't predict the weather. 12. No one dies forever As there are only periods or pauses Between Life and Death. 13, My death may be the coin That pays the ferryman's fee in Hades. ***** 99

Living Alone? 6-20-2020 The prospect of living alone. _____ 1. If things were to come to that Where I had to live alone I believe I easily could. 2. Whatever pain I had to endure In being completely and recluse-alone I would find offsetting relief From two sources: One a "have" and the other a "have not": One: Having a space of my own with my books and writings And two: Not having to deal people as much. 3. Yes, with these parameters I believe that rather than having any severe adjusting to do I could be reasonably content fairly quickly Living alone. *****

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The Last Guardian 6-10-2020 He became the last guardian of their memories. _____ 1. We'd been together for 48 years And did everything together. But now, She was dying. 2. I knew this day would come For one of us first. I never thought about it much For it's one of those things That you don't like to think about. But here it is − and it's come to her, first. 3. As I held her hand she transmitted to me − Like a flow of electricity − All the history and the memories that she had Of our lives together.

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4. In pace with her dying She slowly "downloaded" everything to me For safekeeping. I was now the sole guardian Of all her loving memories of us together Which made everything That much sadder and heavier. 5. Now I was the only one Who had those precious memories of hers But now, with no one to share them with. 6. I was now the sole and the last Guardian And when I go It all goes with me. *****

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So I Lied 3-10-2020 A deathbed promise, but a lie. _____ 1. "Rest easy and pleasant dreams, my dear. And if you should go before I return I'll meet you in heaven one day." 2. Because she was dying And believed in god and the afterlife I told her that little white lie. 3. But if she believed That I believed in the afterlife, She'd rest easier. And so I lied. 4. And with the unlikely possibility That I might meet her again one day It somewhat eased my pain as well. So I lied For both our sakes. ***** 103

Your Way, My Way 2-8-2020 Preferences without aspersions. _____ 1. When I write a love story My script talks about "love making" Not about "f...ing". And when I make films I portray lovemaking under the covers Or in the soft and gentle shadows Not in the bright screaming every-angle stark naked light. 2. Is there anything wrong with that? − Wrong with fairy-tale sweetness Compared to indiscriminant, random and spontaneous Animal love-making on the floor? 3. Why don't you just accept my way As my preference As you expect me to do about your way? Why do you have to call me a prude And make fun of me? Why do you have to accuse me of being "repressed" somehow And boasting that your way is "the" way And that you are "free" And somehow I am not? 104

4. Why can't we just agree That we each have our own "styles" Rather than you calling me a prude And me calling you a slut? 5. For the sake of civility and respect Why don't we call a truce And not throw stones at each other And leave it at that? Let's not make it more complicated Than it already is. 6. So you do your thing With raw and unabashed script and footage And I'll do mine, with hints and innuendos And respectfully go our separate ways. *****

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Talking To The Dead 9-30-2020 My captive audience of departed relatives. _____ 1. On certain moody and reflective occasions I sometimes talk to Or better said, communicate with Some of my deceased relatives. 2. There is only a select number of them that I speak to Composed of: My father, my mother My two deceased sisters, Enid and Christine And Enid's husband, my brother-in-law, "Big Richie." 3. I don't communicate with them very often − Only when I'm in a certain reflective And or sentimental mood. 4. I'd often insert myself into the memory Of some conversation with them when they were alive And take this new and ghostly opportunity To tell them how much love them Which I might not have been so diligent in doing before. And sometimes I apologize for things I should or shouldn't have done To try and "make things right." 106

5. With respect to my father I tell him that although I didn't show it much I loved him, and that I wished That I could have been more comfort to him. 6. With respect to my mother I tell her that I wish she would have lived longer So that my father didn't die inside so early And that I had her mother's love to fill the hole in me. 7. And with respect to my sister Enid I tell her that I wished I could have gotten a little closer to her As she was a little closed, but still a wonderful sister. 8. And with respect to "Big Richie", we had a little kinship in that: We were both the same age and had both served in the Navy. But the real kinship and the respect that I had for him Related to my gratitude for saving Enid From the dead end direction she was on early in her life And for being the rock and anchor for her With the love and devotion he gave her until the day she died. 9. And finally with respect to Christine She was the one who understood me the most And had the deepest appreciation of and admiration for All that I had accomplished So I thank her for that − For being my biggest fan and supporter − And tell her how much I miss her and her loving support.

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10. So in a nutshell, I tell them that I love and miss them And apologize for maybe not being more close to them And for sometimes being a little cold and closed Explaining that it's just due in part to my nature In not being comfortable opening up. 11. For some strange reason Now that they're dead I can talk to them in this new venue In ways I couldn't before. ~ While it's too late to change the past I hope our little communications Help our current and ongoing relationships. *****

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Stolen From The Gods 1-13-2020 He stole what wouldn't be shared. _____ He was starved But was able to siphon off A measure of poetic nutrients From the edges of the sky, The mountains, the forests, and the fields, And from the streams and the oceans All of which was stolen From the nobles and the gods Who wouldn't share. *****

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Bound For The Junk Yard 1-14-2020 Aging. _____ 1. My teeth are yellowed and worn From 3 quarters of a century of staining and grinding. My joints are in similar shape − Worn down uneven and misshaped To where the ball and sockets No longer glide with ease But rather painfully creak and fail. Everything's that way for me these days. 2. I feel like an old car With a tired old engine in it A chassis with a lifetime of dents and scratches A paint job that's dull and faded And plagued with tell-tale rattles everywhere Caused by age and thousands of pothole confrontations. ~ Like a rusty old car who's seen its day I'm bound for the junk yard Sooner rather than later. ***** 110

"Keep Out" 1-10-2020 Inspired by the short story "Pity and Shame" by Ursula K. Le Guin. _____ 1. Some parts of him Were fenced in And all posted with big "Keep Out" signs. 2. He didn't have to use anything as menacing As barb wire or such As the signs could be read clearly And from a great distance away With no doubt or ambiguity About their exact and definitive meaning. *****

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The Day You Die 10-4-2020 All the days of your life compressed into one day. _____ 1. The day you die Is the most important day of your life And trumps every other one. 2. The day of your death Has such import That it makes all the days before it Seem like they happened all at once On the day before. 3. Your whole life is compressed Into 2 days: The day you die And the day before you die. 4. On the day you die Your whole life passes before you In both a random and an ordered fashion And so fast and all together that it seems like It all happened just the day before. ***** 112

Where Is The Line? 1-5-2020 Where should the line be drawn? _____ 1. Where is the line best drawn? While it's hard to figure It shouldn't be at one extreme or the other But rather at some more reasonable and practical posit. 2. And where is that more appropriate posit Between the two extremes? And where is the line That should be defended? 3. Where do we draw the line between The truth and the lie? Between honesty and dishonesty? Between justice and injustice? 4. Where is that approximate but often blurry line That can't be called arbitrary? Where is the line that's right But not righteous? ***** 113

The Knife 7-2-2020 A foreboding? _____ 1. He smiles He jokes He's so much fun to be around. But that being said He always carries a knife in his pocket. 2. He handles it − Caresses it − And sometimes shows it off. He seems to be empowered by it And scarily seems to keep it "Always at the ready." 3. So what's that all about? − This unhidden fascination with knives? And when might it move from a fad and idle fascination To a sudden and possible assault or murder? That was the worry That everybody had. ***** 114

I Survived The 60s And The 70s 6-13-2020 Comparatively speaking, today's situation is not as bad. _____ 1. "Things are bad all over and overall. There's a war going on The economy is strained Unemployment is high and going higher. The Treasury is on its way to bankruptcy And there are riots in the streets." 2. That's what everyone is telling me With panicked looks on their faces. 3. But I'm not infected by their panic Because I've lived through the turmoil Of the 1960s, 70s and 80s Which was much worse − 10 times worse. ~ So this is "nothing" − So to speak. ***** 115

The Old Man Shuffle 9-6-2020 Aging. _____ 1. When I was young I used to watch Old people shuffle across the room With unabashed and often impolite delight And give amusing names to each type of shuffle. 2. But now that I'm old I have my own brand of shuffle And as I do that shuffle I sneak a look around To see who may be giving my shuffle His or her own witty and amusing little name. *****

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An Attention-Getting Scar 2-8-2020 Begging for a story and to be left alone. _____ 1. In a fire fight while on patrol A hot piece of shrapnel took a piece out of me That I just had to fill with something Or else I'd bleed to death. So I stuffed the hole with anything at hand. 2. We were pinned down for days And that battlefield wound Sealed itself up in an irregular and jagged way. 3. So now I have this Lumpy and ugly looking scar That everyone notices before anything else. While it begs for the story behind it It also just as much Begs to be left alone. *****

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A Candid Conversation About My Life 2-24-2020 I often reflect on, and write about, my life. This one is comprehensive and hopefully doesn't divulged too many personal things. _____ 1. My Boyhood Years I was born in June of 1943 In the middle of World War II. For whatever combination of reasons − Genetics, upbringing or whatever − I was afraid of life, in general And down on myself, in particular. I was always comparing myself to others And coming out second best. I felt I wasn't tough enough to "handle" life And let things get to and depress me. ~ For whatever reason I was all too serious and sensitive For a kid. ~ "Sticks and stones would break my bones And names would also harm me." ~ Fearing that this was what life held for me I often thought about ending it all. I was all too young to be thinking of things like that But I did. 118

~ I remember a number of symptomatic instances That particularly stick out in my mind: ~ I remember as a very young boy not being able to sleep Thinking, worrying and being afraid of the next day And what it would bring. On many Winter nights I'd heat up my pillow on the radiator in my room And take it into the bathroom And hug its warmth for dear life. ~ I also remember when I was in grammar school Seeing my tears drop and blur the ink On the yellow-lined test paper on my desk As the nun hovered over me Upset with me for my inability To answer a question on the quiz. ~ Oh how I hated how easy it was For even simple things in life to get to me And for me to break down. I took everything personally And as "proof" of my weakness. ~ "Water never rolled off my back But rather always got to me." ~

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~ I remember another incident Where I nervously attempted to talk to my mother While she was washing dishes in the kitchen About the things that were bothering me. I timidly milled about her skirt trying to work up Both the courage and the words to express myself But was unable to do so And she didn't sense that I was hurting and ignored me. Maybe she did sense something But was just trying to "toughen me up" Or not "baby" me. Either way, it was for me Just another failure on my part And another frustration about life. ~ I remember also Not being able to understand my math homework And my father trying to help me But becoming very impatient Which just made me cave-in on myself And rub in my inadequacies. ~ I also remember one time On a late rainy Fall afternoon Walking the streets in the rain Trying to work off the depression I was in And finding myself at the door of St Vincent's rectory. I thought to myself, "Maybe a priest might help." Hesitant, embarrassed but desperate I knocked on that big dark wooden door. An assistant answered and put me in a room Where I waited for the priest on duty. ~

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~ Then the priest came in, and sat behind a huge desk. As soon as he asked me what the matter was The flood gates opened and I began sobbing. ~ Then, before I even had the chance to compose myself He got up and walked around his desk and over to me Guided me to my feet and out of my chair Walked me to the foyer And with his hands on my back Gently pushed me out the door and into the rain Saying, "Everything will be alright." I was not worth the effort and was dismissed. ~ I have never forgotten that humiliating rejection By the priest, and by association, the Church Nor have I forgiven. ~ I mention these incidences Because they stick out in my mind As fresh as when they happened. ~ I was all too sensitive about everything And down on myself because of it. In my mind I always felt different And bad about not being able understand things As fast or as well as the others could. I weighed myself down with worries That others just seemed to shake off. I could never "handle" life's issues Like all the others could, I thought And every time that I couldn't I'd give myself another demerit. Or dig a deeper hole for myself. ~

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~ I was just too serious and sensitive For a kid my age. ~ I believe an outgrowth Of my combined, real and or perceived, "inadequacies" Was the difficulty I've always had in making decisions Even about simple things. While others could make decisions fairly easily and quickly I would torture over them. And even after making them I was always second guessing and or reversing myself − A sign of never being sure or confident in my decisions And being afraid of "being wrong." ~ While most reminisce about going back To the "carefree days of their youth" I never want to go back. ~ What helped my "condition" And helped to fill the void in me a bit And to validate my worth somewhat Was filling up little notebooks with designs that I drew. This provided some relief As I felt that I was creating something And that had "something to show for myself." ~ Also growing up as a boy, I only read non-fiction books − Books about science and space And books that had facts and figures in them Whose wealth of information Not only satisfied my curiosity And my thirst for knowledge But made me feel more full about myself. ~ 122

~ Even the books I read today Are mostly about science, in general And physics, in particular And even though I don't understand all that I read I enjoy them, because for to me, It's like I'm watching a magic show Wherein even though I don't understand How all the tricks are done I still enjoy the show. ~ The lack of both confidence and self esteem And the need to "prove myself" Has stayed with me all my life. It was the bur under may saddle That drove me to both accomplish and create things And make a "good showing" for myself Which in turn would make me feel good about myself. ~ While these feelings of insecurity and self-doubt Never disappeared And flare-ups sometimes still occur Over time they thankfully moved From the foreground To the background. ~ Now I'll tell a little story on the lighter side: I remember after getting my first weekly pay of 47 cents From my job as a paper boy delivering newspapers I noticed my father's car stopped at a light And biked up to the passenger side where my mother was sitting. She slowly rolled down her window And after I excitedly told her about the 47cents I had just made She put her hand out, palms up and open, and said, "That's for the family." ~ 123

~ It's amazing how your early years are so formative In crafting your personality And that both drives you as well as stops you in life. So much of who you are and what you feel and do and become Can be traced to those early years. ~ 2. My Mother's Early Death I had just turned 17 when my mother died of cancer. She was only 44. It was a slow and painful death over 3 years And with her death our family life was derailed − Disintegrated you might say. My father became a broken man And one who was very hard to live with. Then, things got even worse when he lost his job And we were forced to go on welfare for some time. Left with 5 children to raise alone I often wondered if he considered us As blessings or as burdens. I couldn't blame him if it was the latter. I also often wondered If he would turn to drink and or leave us But he never did And I was always thankful for that particular strength. ~ For 3 years I watched my mother painfully waste away Both at home and in the hospital. I remember seeing her turn into skin and bone And how painful it was for her to even take a sip of water. She didn't deserve that. While I saw the crushing effect it had on my father I could never fully appreciate its full effect until I was older. ~ 124

~ Although I'll never know The full effects on my development Of losing my mother And the stress of living with a broken father One can see and or deduce traces of it. Coupled with my own genetic make up One aspect of it may be, As I'm sometimes told, That I'm kind of cold. Another may be that I'm not very social And in fact often feel uncomfortable with people. Accordingly, I tend to be a loner And am more comfortable with things Than I am with people. Although these characteristics Might be more inherent and deep-seated My mother's death certainly exacerbated things. ~ To this day I often wonder What nurturing effect it would have had on me If I had a mother's love in my life. ~ 3. The Start of Writing Poetry and Music My start in writing poetry was at age 17 When I wrote my first poem about my mother's death And the devastating affect it had on my father. While most of my poems were about My feelings, observations and opinions Many were about family Resulting in some entire books of poetry Being dedicated to family members. Including, my siblings, Vi, Leandra and Kerry, among others. ~ 125

~ My start in writing music Began with my taking a few months of guitar lessons And then some piano lessons when I was a teen. Probably due a need for self expression And the fact that I was not very good at playing music I was more drawn to composing. ~ Due to the serious side of my nature Not so strangely Much of the poetry and music I write Has a melancholy bent to it. ~ As an aside, and with respect to my music and poetry Although they may never rise to any recognized status I love them as if they were my children. Also, in my opinion, I feel that they are often better than Some of what is acclaimed to be good music and good poetry. Even if the music and poetry I write Is mostly deemed to be mediocre I was prolific in writing and believe That out of all that quantity Must come a little quality − A little gem here and there. ~ "Out of all the pans of gravel you sluice You will find a nugget or two of gold." ~ In addition to poetry and music I began writing essays about My observations, opinions and feelings about life And accumulated them in a series of spiral bound books. ~

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~ When the children came along I began keeping daily journals About our lives together as a family As another element of our family history Particularly for the benefit of Leandra and Kerry. This I talk further about later on. ~ 4. My Teen and Early 20s In the 1950s, 60s and 70s New York was strife With crime, dark and dirty streets, gangs, ghettos, riots and strikes And the streets of Brooklyn were no exception. Brooklyn was also the hub of the Mafia who were all over the place. ~ I remember taking the Utica Avenue bus to high school And seeing, behind heavy wooden grey police barricades, Bodies with white sheets over them That were lying in front of the Mafia night clubs From the killings the night before. ~ As a wannabe tough guy and teen There was a time when I succumbed to the lure of the streets And put myself on a dangerous felony path Of breaking into homes and stores and stealing cars. I was also a "loose" member of a gang − The Avenue K Boys. During that time I got into a number of fights Resulting in some damaged ribs, dislocated fingers And some knife scares, but nothing too serious. ~

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~ These things culminated one Winter morning When I was stopped at a light in a stolen care And a cop on the beat approached the car Tapped on the the driver's window with his night stick And signaled for me to roll down the window. It was "do or die" for me. So, instead of complying with his demand I accelerated but the wheels just spun And the car just crawling ahead Due to the ice on the street. He walked along the side of the car as it inched ahead And began tapping harder and faster on my window. Finally the tires gained traction and I took off But because of the ice and my speed I lost control of the car And proceeded to crash into a curb and stop dead. I then bolted from the car Resulting in a foot chase with the cop Who was yelling for me to "stop." Then I heard a shot − a warning shot? − or one aimed at me? Luckily I got away by quickly turning left down one street Then quickly right down another one And then diving into a snow bank and hiding there Until the cop lost me and gave up. For days afterwards I waited for the police to track me down But they never did and while I was waiting I got "scared straight" And resolved to get off that dead-end track. It was a turning point in my life. ~ To this day, I get shivers Thinking about how dangerous a path I was on And the consequences of my being caught And how close I came to truly ruining my entire life. ~ 128

5. Girlfriends and Women While I had a number of neighborhood girl friends The first one that I was fully intimate with Was my next door neighbor. I was 16 and she was twice my age at 34 and married with 4 kids. It was a dangerous affair, as her husband was Sicilian And worked as a waiter at night in a Mafia night club. On occasions when he came home Earlier than his normal time of 4 am I had to escape out the back window Or the front door, depending. ~ It was a doubly awkward affair In that after my mother died My father began an affair with her as well. I'm not sure if he knew about me But we never confronted each other about it Which would have been disastrous to say the least. It was a very conflicted time for me. ~ In my early adult years I always felt that I would marry A blond-haired blue-eyed girl − That was until my sister, Enid, Introduced me to a Chinese girl, Gwen Ho. ~

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~ From that point on I was enamored with Asian women Who were, to me, More petite, shy and feminine Had beautifully attractive high cheek bones Enchanting slanted eyes Thick straight black hair Hairless bodies and silky smooth skin With a warm touch of color That didn't make it so pale looking. ~ This preference was not a fad But rather something that lasted all my life As evidenced by my marrying Vi Who was from the Philippines. ~ 6. Education and Learning Growing up in my old neighborhood I had seen many who had very little education And because of that became trapped With no options to "escape" When the neighborhood changed for the worst. Luckily, I was perceptive enough to see that early on And vowed to get an education and avoid that same fate. ~

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~ When I decided to go to college And was accepted into Fordham I remember calling my mother From a street-corner phone booth At Chambers Street and Broadway in lower Manhattan Who was dying in Lennox Hill Hospital And telling her that I was accepted into college. I heard her pained and hardly audible Sighs of relief, pride and joy. After hanging up I found myself crying. ~ Before choosing business, and accounting As my major in college, I remember debating about majoring in music. However, seeing how musicians starved I made the practical decision and chose: ~ "To marry business And keep music as a mistress." ~ College was hard for me and I wasn't doing well. And just as in my pre-college years in school I had to read and re-read everything a number of times And put in twice as much time and twice as much effort Just to understand things and just to get a mediocre grade. Although I wanted to drop out a number of times I ultimately decided to see it through. ~

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~ Living on campus was not an option for me As I had to work full time all through college To pay for it. For the "poor kids who had to work" Fordham had a special program Whereby I went to class In an old loft building in lower Manhattan From 7 am to noon Ate a baloney or cottage cheese and olive sandwich That I had made at home Then worked from noon to 7pm As a bank messenger delivering bills of lading To small businesses all over in Manhattan Then, after work, I took the subway to the last stop in Brooklyn And then walked a mile home. I did that for 4 years. ~ Always feeling I should get as much education as possible And as a hedge in case I needed to compete in the job market I continued with my education while I was working full time And got an MBA at night. I also became a CPA (after 4 tries at the exam). I continued my academic and professional education By accumulating an array of professional certifications and degrees And numerous state and federal licenses. There was never a period in my life Where I was not studying for something. ~

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7. Religion My father was Lutheran And my mother was Catholic and very religious. I used to see her praying the rosary Every day at the kitchen table. My father was not so religious But very tolerant of my mother's religious practices. In fact, before they got married My father willingly signed a paper Agreeing to raise the children Catholic. ~ My father had a temper And my mother nicknamed him, "The Beast." Not frequently, but occasionally, I overheard them fighting Where he'd call her a "Superstitious Catholic" And she'd call him a "Black Lutheran." But the main fact was, they loved each other very much. In fact, I've often thought that he might have loved her too much For when she died, he never recovered from it. ~ I was raised as a Catholic and went to Catholic schools So I was fully indoctrinated in all its doctrines and rituals. Despite all that, I had a deep-seated skepticism About the very existence of God. I just couldn't believe in all the biblical stories As they just weren't plausible And rather, I thought, just stories aimed at: Trying to explain things To motivate people into good behavior Or unfortunately, sometimes for purposes of power and control. ~

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~ What also drove my doubt, or agnosticism, Was my inability to believe That an all powerful and benevolent God Would create a world that was so full of pain and suffering And that just in order to survive Every creature had to kill and eat some other creature When He had all the power to make things otherwise? Why would a caring God set things up that way? And I didn't believe it was "to test us" as some say. While I have an open but fearful mind about this subject I carry this doubt about God with me to this day. ~ 8. My Navy Years 3 months after graduating college And in the middle of the Vietnam War I joined the Navy And entered the Officer's Training Program. It was a rigorous program That challenged my confidence And raised those same old doubts about myself In that I felt that everyone else Was able to handle the program better than I. ~ I was depressed about it and wanted to quit the program And by quitting, things would be easier In that instead of having to serve 4 years as an officer I'd only have to serve 1 and 1/2 years as an enlisted man. 3 times I stood outside the Commanding Officer's office Practicing what I was going to say as I quit. ~

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~ But then something happened inside of me And I resolved to stick it out. This particular event and the Navy itself overall Was another turning point in my life: The Navy was good for me as it − As best as I can describe it − Helped me become a man. ~ The Navy was a life experience in responsibility and leadership Where I was put in charge of men Some of whom were as old as my father. It was also a life-experience in dealing with tragedy That involved life and death situations Such as one that occurred during night operations In the North Pacific with a convoy of ships Where the destroyer escort ship that I was on was cut in half In a collision with one of the ships in the convoy That resulted in a some sailors losing their limbs And others their lives. I remember most vividly going below decks And coming across a Chief Petty Officer Lying on his back whose head was twice its normal size Making it look like a balloon full of water As all the bones in his head had been crushed. I also remember our eyes locking on each other And my holding his hand as he died. With the smell of fuel oil heavy in the air Fuel oil all over the decks and in the water And live electrical lines that had been severed Sparking like fireworks and whipping around violently I remember being more afraid Of an explosion and fire than of sinking But both were a worries. ~

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~ I was told one time That my men had given me the nickname of, "Iron Mike" An "Iron Mike" is a nautical gyrocompass Which keeps a ship on a straight course. It's also a name given to someone Who's tough, brave and inspiring But also one who is straight and narrow and strict. In some cases it can be used in a flattering manner And in other cases as a little bit of a dig. The men often gave nicknames to the officers over them. ~ As mentioned before The Navy was a turning point for me For not only did it help me become a man But I was free from the house and from Brooklyn. I was independent And had an income that I could call my own. ~ While I was stationed in Pearl Harbor I met a Vietnamese girl, Bich-Thuy With whom I was infatuated. But things were not meant to be And she became the biggest heartbreak in my life That took many years for me to get over her. ~ I spent 4 years on active duty and 6 years in the active reserves. On active duty I served on 2 destroyer escort ships − One on the Atlantic Coast and the other in the Pacific at Pearl Harbor. In the reserves, I served on about 5 destroyers. ~

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9. Professional and Managerial Careers Right after the Navy I was accepted into the prestigious accounting firm Of Peat Marwick Mitchell & Co. Having spent 4 years in the Navy I was 4 years behind those who never served But I never regretted serving As the Navy was a life-altering And life-developing experience. ~ My first assignments at Peat Marwick Were overwhelming And I felt that I had made the wrong decision In joining a public accounting firm And having to deal with complex accounting problems With demanding deadlines That required working late into the night. I was depressed that I couldn't seem to understand things "Like the others could." I wanted to quit (Just as I had wanted to quit college and Naval Officers School) And get a job that was "more at my level." I sometimes had to leave the client's offices Where the team was working To compose myself and give myself a pep talk. Sometimes I even left the building And walked around the block to try and calm down And work off my personal "crisis." But after a while I settled down And settled into the business. ~

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~ I was able to keep up with the demands of the profession But it wasn't easy and as usual I had to work twice as hard and twice as long. Accounting was a technical, exact and not an easy profession. But I really loved the business of working with clients And the latitude and independence the firm gave you. So long as you were "taking care of your clients" They pretty much "left you alone." As I rose in the ranks, I also liked being a "big shot": Having people reporting to me Having an expense account And entertaining clients with dinners and 3 Martini lunches Which was standard business practice in those days. And after work was more of the same. If you weren't entertaining clients You were out bar-hopping and girl-chasing with the guys. I also loved the fact that I had a cadre Of both client and professional friends Which was a whole new world for me − A kid from Brooklyn. ~ It was a very competitive business In that it was either "up or out" and so I was always Working late, bringing work home, Studying for one exam or another And always trying to grasp and keep up With all the new accounting pronouncements That were constantly coming out. ~

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~ Advancing in the firm Was never without some drama or difficulty. For example Before I could make Supervising Senior I had to pass the CPA exam Which took me 4 tries at it And only passed it, in the nick of time. ~ Another example was When I was up for partner − i.e. being considered for admission into the US partnership. I didn't have the support of all the key partners And so before they would consider me for partner in the US firm I had to agree to be a partner in the Brazilian firm Which meant living and working in Brazil for 4 years To "prove myself". At the risk of losing Vi Whom I had been dating for 7 years I went, with no guarantee I'd even be taken back to the US Much less become a US partner. But I took my chances And reached for that golden ring. ~

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~ When, after "serving" 4 years in Brazil And it was time for me to return, I still had some resistance from some of the US partners. But with the help of some other partner Who were my supporters I finally made it − I was admitted into the US partnership And became "a partner" − An achievement that less than 1% Of those who start out in public accounting achieve. It was the pinnacle of my career − A kid from Brooklyn making partner In a world class international accounting firm. Having spent 4 years in Brazil I was effectively 4 years behind my peers But, I was a US partner. ~ With respect to my having had to spend 4 years in Brazil I didn't look at them as wasted years But rather as a unique and broadening life experience Working and living in a foreign country − An experience that few get to experience. ~

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~ Unfortunately As politics, business and fate would have it I couldn't hold onto my partnership in the firm For when the economy turned down There was a cut back And I was one of those who was cut After having been with the firm for 17 years And only back from Brazil 1 1/2 years. It broke my heart and almost my spirit For I loved both the firm and the business. I wasn't sure I could recover For once you lose your footing in business You usually never fully recover And start on a downward spiral. ~ Thankfully, though, over the years I had made some good contacts and impressions On the partners in another major accounting firm And was admitted to the partnership of Coopers & Lybrand. Despite some resistance to my admission My supporters rallied for me. (One of the reasons for that support Was the fact that had gained some notoriety from authoring A number of industry-recognized financial publications When I was at Peat Marwick.) ~

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~ But after 5 years at Coopers & Lybrand My "godfather" and key supporter retired and I was let go. I had an offer from another major accounting firm To head up their Eastern European bank practice based in Prague But sadly turned it down because of Vi's concern About raising the kids alone Having to deal with all the issues of the home we just bought in CT Among other things. ~ Then, when a former bank client of mine, Kansallis Bank Heard that I was leaving Coopers & Lybrand They offered me a job as Chief Financial and Operations Officer And I took it. I was now out of the public accounting business that I loved And into the corporate world Where I didn't have any clients or an expense account And was subject to tight corporate supervision Which was very disheartening and hard to adjust to. ~ But soon after joining Kansallis There was a financial downturn in the global markets And the bank got into financial difficulties At their head office in Finland And my job in New York disappeared. I then took a Chief Financial Officer position At a Group Health Insurance Company which I hated And which didn't last more than a year.

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~ After that And partly because of one of the publications I had written, "Banking in the US" I was asked to establish a National Bank, Excel Bank For one of my former clients and be its Chief Financial Officer. I accepted, and at one point even became Acting President For a period of time during some managerial turmoil. But that job too didn't last that long either As the bank was acquired by larger bank And their management team took over. ~ There is a very scary story associated with that job: With the permission of the President I set up a pension plan for the officers of the company Which is normal for businesses to do. But because the President didn't inform and get permission From the Board of Directors The Chairman came after me. Why me? Because in an effort to save his own skin The gutless President said that setting up the pension plan Was "all my idea and doing." As a result I was fired with the real possibility That I could be wrongly but criminally prosecuted If they wanted to be vindictive about it. This was a real fear for me Wherein with every slam of a car door that I heard outside our house I went to the window thinking that it might be the police Coming to arrest me. After a number of uneventful but very tense months Nothing came of it. ~

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~ Sometime after that crisis I accepted a position at Bankers Trust That was offered to me by a former partner and friend, Tom Carroll. But then Bankers Trust collapsed 9 months later And I was out of a job again. ~ Loosing so many jobs was disheartening enough But searching for them was worse and very demeaning And it took all I had to keep going. ~ Later I was offered a position at Prudential Insurance By the same partner and friend, Tom Carroll, Who had offered me the position at Bankers Trust. Even though it was a low-paying job, Was way below my former managerial levels And was in Newark NJ requiring a 5+ hour commute from CT I took it for the sake of job security In that I had a "godfather" in Tom Carroll Who would hopefully protect me Giving me the opportunity to save some money for retirement During the last years of my working career. ~ Then after 11 years at Prudential and at age 68 There was a reorganization and I was forced into retirement. Although I was able to save some money at Prudential I had no pension and what I had saved I felt wasn't enough for my family's security So I went out and got all the appropriate licenses and certifications And became an insurance agent in CT. I hated the job and quit the business after 2 or so years. ~

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~ Not having any pension And feeling that I still didn't have enough saved For a secure retirement nor enough To have as a decent inheritance to leave Vi and the kids I went out and bought two rental properties And became a property manager for them To earn money to meet our family expenses. So, in all likelihood I will probably be working all my life And never retire, retire. ~ While my business career was not ideal And I wasn't able to retire in a prestigious position Or with the financial security I wanted I can look back with pride In having reached some pinnacle in my business life − Making partner − And in two major accounting firms, no less − Which title I held for 12 years And the highpoints of my professional life. Just as a boxer who had lost his title Could look back in pride at having once been the champ Or an old time actor having once been a star I can look back with pride at having been a partner. ~

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10. Avocations I had 3 main avocations, one of which was camping. I started out camping because it was simple and inexpensive And it got me out of the city and closer to nature. Also I could do it in a reasonably civilized way Namely at a campground And do it by weekend getaways with a girlfriend Most of which were with Vi. I always picked tent sites that were by some body of water − A river, pond or lake Which was a must. ~ I've always somehow had to be by the water. Even when I was studying for an exam or course Or reading professional or personal material I always picked a spot that overlooked water. ~ My 2nd avocation was sailing. I took up sailing rather than noisy motor boating As it was more regal, required more skill, Was cleaner and quieter and more in tune with nature. Also, sailboats were the swans of boats in terms of design Whereas motor boats were boxy ugly duckling utility boats. Vi was always my first mate and even though she couldn't swim She bravely went on almost every cruise with me Which included ocean cruises from Maine to Georgia And when I was living in Brazil, along the coast of Brazil. ~

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~ Many cruises were quite risky And one time we got hit by a towering rogue wave In a storm off the coast of Maine That almost crippled and sank the boat And that washed 3 of us overboard. And in Brazil I'd sail down the Atlantic coast In a tiny 22 foot boat with no running lights, charts or radio. As radios and charts were not permitted to foreigners. There we experienced storms, a demasting And a shark attack on the rudder. ~ My 3rd avocation was traveling. I wanted to see the world − the wild side of the world − And figured I should do that While I was young, single and bulletproof As I'd possibly never be able to do it When I was older, more cautious and or married. ~ So when I went on vacation I went to far away, exotic and primitive places. And when I'd ask someone If they wanted to go on vacation with me They'd be thinking of a place Where you'd put your feet in the sand Drink fancy umbrella drinks And where everyone spoke English. But that's not what I had in mind As what I had in mind was not a "vacation" But rather an "adventure" Where I'd see the world at an eye and gut level − i.e. in the trenches and in the jungles. I therefore often had to go alone Including a trip I took all through Africa On which trip I almost died from an inadvertent overdose of quinine That I had been taking for the prevention of malaria. ~ 147

~ During those younger and more daring years I went to Europe and Scandinavia, Canada and Mexico, South America (including up the Amazon River) Asia, Africa and Alaska. And when I went, I didn't just visit selected cities or countries I usually covered a good portion of an entire continent. Although I covered a lot of the world I never got to India, the Middle East or Australia. ~ Another avocation and passion of mine Was writing, especially music and poetry Which I had talked about in Section 3 above ~ 11. My Bachelor Years after the Navy In my years after the Navy And while working in public accounting I was a hard drinking bar-hopping bachelor Which was typical of young executive Turks at the time. After moving out of my family home in Brooklyn I moved into a 5 story tenement walk up On 3rd Avenue and East 37th Street in Manhattan About a mile from where I worked at Peat Marwick. ~ I had a number of girl friends − Some serious and some just flings. With respect to my serious girlfriends I thought about marriage But was very nervous about it for 2 reasons: 1st I had difficulty in deciding about who was the "perfect" girl And 2nd I was afraid of a life-commitment because for me Marriage was "Forever" and "Forever" scared me. ~

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~ I cancelled a planned wedding with a girl named Stella Before it got too far down the planning route. Then with Vi, where we had the invitations sent out And all the reservations made I cancelled 2 weeks before the wedding. After that cancellation, with Vi having 5 brothers, I moved into the Hotel Summit in NY City Under an assumed name for a few weeks Thinking they might come after me And kill me in my sleep. Even after that embarrassment, Vi stayed with me Which told me a lot about her. I just wasn't ready for marriage at the time And I believe that had I gotten married then It might not have lasted Which would have been more of a disaster. ~ 12. Getting Married I was a bachelor for about 39 years And was scared and nervous about getting married Because, as mentioned before, marriage was "Forever." However, after a number of false starts with Vi On one of my visits home from Brazil Vi and I decided to try it again. With only a day or two notice I called my brother Eric And asked him to be my best man And Vi called her girlfriend, Georgie And asked her to be her bridesmaid. ~

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~ I was a nervous wreck the morning we were scheduled To tie the knot at City Hall in New York City And had to have 4 martinis to calm my nerves. But as soon as the ceremony was over I was completely and magically calm − So much of what I feared Was about the ceremony And the anticipation of it all. And the reason I got married at that time Was because I was, in fact, "ready." ~ After the ceremony, We had a nice lunch at the World Trade Center − The same World Center that was destroyed 20 years later By the 911 terrorist attacks in 2001. ~ At the time of this writing Vi and I have been together for 48 years Proving again that when we got married I was, in fact, "ready." ~ 13. Children We had 2 beautiful children, Leandra and Kerry. Since we were both working and commuting to Manhattan Vi's mother, Nanay, lived with us for 12 years And helped us raise the kids. She also became my adopted mother − That mother I lost early in my life. ~

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~ Although I was always a writer When the kids arrived I began keeping daily journals That documented our life as a family So they would know the family life we had together. I also religiously kept family photo albums As well as some audio tapes Of some of our family conversations and phone messages. I also collected some of the kids' school homework and projects That represented another element of their young lives And our family history. These and such other things As my writings, poetry and music compositions Would be a integral part of the personal inheritance That I wanted to leave to them, in particular And to the family, in general. ~ One of the most important things I did With regards to capturing elements of our family life together Was to make a series of videos Of Mom and I (and Nanay) interacting with the kids Which covered their young lives up to their teens. These were not just clips of birthday parties and the like But were rather "studies" of the kids In that many were relatively long recording sessions. I later put these videos together in a set of 6 DVDs That I consider "family classics" And hope that the kids will think so too And will appreciate having them. ~

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~ Both Vi and I had long working hours and long commutes. We were always up at 4:15 am, left in the dark And came home in the dark around 9 ish Making things especially tiring and stressful. And with my many job changes Things were often financially tight. On a number of occasions We almost had to sell our house. ~ The teen years and the early 20s of the kids Were also very stressful But we and they Thankfully got through them together, safely. ~ At the time of this writing The "kids" are both married And Leandra and Justin have a baby girl, Aubrey. And as circumstance would dictate They all moved in with us and into the house they grew up in Which we reconfigured into 3 semi-private apartments. Having all of us together was another life experience − 3 generations under one roof. Wonderful. ~

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14. The House When I came home from Brazil We lived upstairs in a 2 family house With Vi's brother, Buddy, in Jersey City. After that and prior to getting our house in CT We lived in a brand new townhouse on the water In Port Liberte' (Jersey City) NJ. Which had a panoramic view From the George Washington Bridge To Manhattan, NY Harbor and the Statue of Liberty And through to the Verrazano Bridge It also had its own private dock for our boat. It was our dream home − New, upscale, on the water and scenic. However, after having it for less than 3 years We decided to give it up when the kids came along So they would be in a better public school system Than what was available in Jersey City. ~ We looked at houses in NJ, NY and CT And finally settled on CT when we found a house That we fell in love with for a number of reasons: It was somewhat on the water, i.e. on the Mianus River (But in no way as magnificent as NY Harbor at Port Liberte'); The grounds had different and beautiful views At each and every spot on the property; The rooms had that old charm look and were nicely laid out; And we liked the idea and appeal of being In "New England." Also − having been built in 1894 it was almost 100 years old Which was only 29 years after the Civil War During which war Lincoln was president − It had some historical appeal to us. ~ 153

~ However there was a huge downside to it. When we bought it, it didn't appear, at least to me, That it needed much work But we quickly found out that it needed a huge amount of work Both to the house and the grounds. Unfortunately, because we had a big mortgage And I was plagued with job changes and no job security, We couldn't hire a contractor to fix it up. So having never picked up a hammer before in my life And through a process of trial and error I had to do most of the renovation work myself At night and on the week ends And in between job searches and raising the kids. ~ The renovation work involved gutting almost everything And took a full 7 1/2 years to complete. For 4 of those years we all slept in the living room While I worked on the upstairs floors. We all pitched in with the renovation: Vi and Nanay worked primarily on the grounds While I worked on the house. It was hard and expensive work And at times we came close to having to sell it. But with luck, time and hard work We held on and got it renovated Which renovation was truly Another unique life experience − And a labor of love. ~

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15. Retirement I had always envisioned retirement as something relaxing: Watching the grass grow, watching TV And putting my feet up and having a cold beer. Well, as mentioned before, Things didn't work out that way And I'll probably be actively managing Our 2 rental properties until I pass away To meet expenses and to try and leave as much as we can For the children for their financial security. Because Vi and I are not prima donnas And like to be active And want to save as much as possible We do most of the house and grounds maintenance work Ourselves, so far. ~ Not having a life pension And having to work during my retirement Is kind of ironic because I had always thought That I was the most ambitious and smart one in my family By getting all that education, degrees, certifications and licenses Driving for top senior business and personal positions Making a lot of personal sacrifices And working as hard and long as I could through my old age. But as it turned out, those who were satisfied With getting a high school education And getting a good civil service job for 20 years Ironically, were able to retire earlier than I And have free health care and a life pension − So who's the smart one? Life sometimes moves in strange and ironic ways. But having said that, I don't regret the route I took For it took me to places I wanted to reach. ~ 155

16. Looking Back and Summing Up I often wonder how I would have turned out If I had a happier and more confident childhood Had a nurturing mother throughout my life Had a better relationship with my father And been less sensitive and pessimistic about things. Would I have been more content and adjusted? Or would I have been complacent And never had that "bur under my saddle" That spurred me on to accomplish things That I might not have accomplished otherwise? I often wonder which trade-off would have been better. Life is a double edged sword and full of trade-offs. ~ "If one never had hurdles One could never become a hurdler." ~ If everything were perfect in my life I never would have had to "prove" myself And might have accomplished little With little to show for my life. ~ Although I achieved a lot − Graduating college and getting an MBA and CPA Becoming an officer in the Navy Being admitted as a partner in 2 prestigious accounting firms − I had to put in twice as much time and effort as the others To get there. And though I often just barely achieved what I did achieve And was often only in the lower strata of my successes The key and satisfying thing in my mind Was the fact that I "made it" to those levels. And even though my successes were sometimes short lived I could look back knowing that I was once there. ~ 156

~ The same can be said about my personal avocations Of camping, sailing and traveling And of writing and composing music and poetry In that they all might have been attributable to That "bur under my saddle" And needing: To overcome my perceived deficiencies To "prove myself" And to leave something behind "To show for myself." ~ It was all part of a pattern for me To reach beyond my natural and comfortable limits In an effort to make a decent showing for myself in life − To create a legacy of sorts By leaving both a financial and a personal inheritance For those I love and leave behind. *****

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The Light From Her Window (On Vi) 3-23-2020 As if staring will help. _____ 1. I can't see her from my window But I can see the light from her room Shining through the window Assuring me that she's there. 2. As I watch I feel warm and secure Knowing that she's there. 3. But as I watch further I drift into sometime in the future When one night there might not be any light And her room would be dark and empty. 4. So here I sit Staring at the light shining from her window As if staring will ensure that it doesn't go out. But one day it will go out But I try not to think about that too much. ***** 158

Waiting For The Other Shoe 3-27-2020 Debilitating anxiety. _____ 1. When anything happens − good or bad − I equate it to one shoe dropping And wait for the other one to drop. 2. If the first shoe is a positive thing I wait in anxious anticipation For the second shoe to drop That will negate or offset the first. 3. Oh what anxiety my negativism dictates − Always waiting for that second shoe to drop. Why can't I just accept a gift as a gift Without thinking that it will be taken away When the second shoe drops − The shoe that I'm sadly always waiting for? *****

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Little White Lies 2-21-2020 Little white lies that he wished were otherwise. _____ 1. He held her hand That was extended Over the side of the hospital bed. 2. They could hear All the busy clitter-clatter of the hospital All the open conversations of visitors and staff And all the casual and emergency hustle and bustle. 3. In a room with so many others There was no peace, no quiet, no privacy But they tried to ignore it as best they could By concentrating on each other. 4. He didn't believe that there was an after life Where they would one day meet again But she did. Although he wanted to believe in such a reward He didn't.

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5. But since she had no chance of surviving And she took comfort in her belief He played along with her And talked about how they'd meet again In the afterlife. The more they talked about it The more it reassured her and gave her hope And the easier she rested. 6. He talked the game to the tee As if he were a true believer For what else could he do for her? 7. And each night before he left He took her hand Kissed her on the forehead And whispered in her ear "Goodnight, my dear." And then With emphasized hesitation And looking straight into her eyes He squeezed her hand and said "I'll see you tomorrow." Then he added "And if you should go before I return I'll see you on the other side." And with that, she slept in peace.

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8. His long train ride home Was a little more bearable Knowing that she believed they would meet again Tomorrow or in the afterlife. 9. But at the same time And equally so His ride was painful Knowing that all that he told her about the afterlife Were just little white lies. 10. But with the more likely prospect That there is no afterlife His ride was even more painful for him In that maybe tonight Might have actually been the last time That he would see her. *****

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Stuck In My Books 1-3-2020 Old school. _____ 1. The new world of electronic information Is whizzing around me at supersonic speed Leaving me in its electronic wake As I sit here stuck in my reading chair Reading my antiquated paper-bound books. 2. I'm in a slow one-dimensional Black and white Paper world Segregated by choice From the multidimensional Electronic world That's whizzing all around me. 3. I'm a stick figure In an muscle man magazine. I'm the black and white image In a color photo. I'm a figment of the past Rather than the present.

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4. Despite all that incongruity And all the modern pressures for change I'm comfortable where I am And where I feel I belong. I don't feel that I'm stuck in a bog But rather that I've found my niche. 5. Let the world do its thing And me, mine With neither one being Judgmental of the other. *****

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A Focus On The Details 9-15-2020 Getting through life the best way he can. _____ 1. For him, Life overall Was hard, worrisome, and depressing As it didn't favor him With any success, security or peace of mind But rather quite the contrary With failures, rejections and regrets. And in the end After all the hard work of getting through Life He was rewarded with a painful and lonely death. It didn't seem fair. 2. And what made it worse for him during his life Was the fact that he was an idealist and a neat freak And was tortured in having to look at All the litter on the highways and in the streets Ugly graffiti, peeling paint and broken windows And undusted furniture, dirty rugs and unmade beds. The world that he was in most contact with Was a disturbing mess.

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3. When he thought about Life in general It would overwhelm him. So his method of coping Was to focus on the very small things in Life − The little gems of beauty − The details − Such as the intricate beauty of a flower Which was both simple and wonderfully complex. 4. The other way he could cope with the world Was to concentrate on the very big things − For example thinking of the whole world As a pretty little blue marble In an immense Universe of sparkling stars. 5. Anything in between those 2 extremes however Was too much for him And he couldn't deal with it. He couldn't deal with the mundane, day-to-day world And its stark displays of imperfection. 6. So to get through Life He busied and distracted himself With such pretty little details as: The geometric construction of a snowflake And the magic and beauty of a butterfly And with such huge things as: Vast snow-capped mountain ranges And immense and magnificent forests. It was a mind game.

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7. He'd have to close his eyes and ears To most of the things in general life And selectively concentrate either on The very small Or the very big And hardly anything in between − Unless it was perfect. 8. It was so hard to block out All that "in between" stuff Because there was so much of it And he'd get headaches doing so. Although it was a bit exhausting Once he got "in the zone" It was manageable And the only way that he could cope. *****

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The Operation 8-30-2020 A pre-operation worry. _____ 1. The overhead light is blinding And I sense that I'm in A stark all-white room. 2. The light is also hot And I feel salty beads of sweat Forming on my forehead. 3. I can't see if there's anyone with me But I suspect there is As I can sense motion all around me. 4. Just before the anesthesia took its full effect I heard a muffled voice saying, "The operation should be a success." ~ "Should be?", I said to myself. ***** 168

The Birds 5-20-2020 Participation in a part of nature. _____ 1. Springtime is when the birds build their nests Lay their eggs And hatch their babies. But this Spring They were especially prodigious. 2. This Spring Many of the trees around our house Had nests in them: In 2 hollies and in 1 burning bush. There was even a nest in our garage Made in a box of twine. 3. For weeks on end Every time I passed too close I was yelled at, warned and threatened By the mother birds To "Stay away, or else!"

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4. Sensitive to their plight I even called Lawn Doctor And told them to postpone spraying the trees For the sake of these little struggling creatures Who have so much going against their survival: Loss of habitat and food sources Weather, disease And predators. 5. When they yelled at me I tried to explain to them As best I could That I meant no harm And that I was on their side. But understandably To no avail. 6. I controlled my curiosity By not passing too close or looking at them − As one might gawk Through the glass windows of a nursery − For fear of adding to their angst And spooking them.

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7. One by one the chicks hatched And after a period of time they began testing their wings Which is the most dangerous time for them And when they are most vulnerable to injury and to predators. They used the surrounding trees, the garage and our open front porch For their testing grounds And I prayed that they'd make it through these trial days And especially through the nights. 8. Some days later when I passed by those trees again And also went into the garage Everything was eerily quiet − Another cycle of life had been completed. 9 But, while they all had gone And abandoned their nests They certainly left their calling cards As there were bird droppings everywhere: In the driveway, on the windows of the house, on the porch And all over the garage and my car. 10. Rather than being annoyed at the mess they made I smiled for the privilege of having been part of Something much bigger. *****

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Raindrop Echoes 8-31-2020 Rainy sounds and images. _____ 1. The raindrops on my window Are making sounds Like an old typewriter. 2. And as I look out the window With those raindrop sounds echoing in the background The city took shape around me But without forming any single identity of myself. 3. And at night When the light dies All my dreams are in an ancient tongue And their images move like dappled shadows in a forest. *****

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The Italians Had The Edge 1-27-2020 Remembering the old neighborhood. _____ 1. The tough guys in my old neighborhood Were mostly Irish and Italian As they were the ethnic majorities. Although some were in organized gangs Most were just disorganized street thugs. 2. The Irish were drinkers and scrappers And fought straight up for the most part − Tough from brawn alone, mostly. 3. The Italians were also tough But they were also more devious And that coupled with their brawn Made them more formidable Usually giving them somewhat of an edge Over the Irish.

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4. But the big boys Who really ran the neighborhood Were the Mafia And whose presence and power Was everywhere. 5. And since the Mafia was basically All Italians The street-thug Italians Drew inspiration from them Making them more united and more confident And therefore more formidable Giving them the biggest edge Over the Irish. *****

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Reading Children's Stories 1-27-2020 A break in my nightly reading routine: A 1939 book: "Best Short Stories for Boys and Girls." _____ 1. Each night, before I go to bed I have a glass of wine while reading a book. And what I read usually involves some heavy stuff About science, cosmology, math, literature or history. 2. So what I do from time to time Is to take a break From that heavy reading And read something light − And I do mean light − In the form of a little old book Of short stories for children That I happened to find in the attic. 3. I keep this tattered edge book In an imaginary glass case Next to my reading chair That I have mentally labeled: "Break in Case of Emergency". 175

4. So, when my reading gets too heavy Or too confusing And I start to get anxious, frustrated or tense I go into "emergency mode" And break the imaginary glass And take out that little children's book For relief. 5. And because I do a lot of heavy reading I'm frequently "Breaking in case of emergency." *****

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She And Me 2-3-2020 The difference between two people. _____ 1. She accepted who she was Whereas I could never do the same about myself. 2. She is satisfied with an overview Whereas I need all the details. 3. She works well with people Whereas I seem to work against them. 4. She can smooth feathers Whereas I only ruffle them. 5. She has a calming and disarming effect on people Whereas I often grate and agitate. 6. She can work in a team While I prefer to work alone.

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7. She collaborates And I resist and disrupt. 8. She's grateful for whatever she has Whereas with me, there's always something missing. 9. While she's OK with average workmanship I demand perfection. 10. While she can patiently wait for things I need them now. 11. While she can live with a house that looks like it's been lived in I have to have everything put away making it look so sterile. 12. She follows the path she knows and trusts Whereas I wander off and get lost. 13. While she can focus on the task at hand I'm a daydreamer in the clouds. 14. She is satisfied with retirement Whereas I continue to work.

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15. She is satisfied to leave this world anonymously Whereas I feel I must leave some mark in life. 16. Where she is firstly complementary I am firstly critical. 17. While she is content to stay in the background I can't help sometimes making a stage-fool of myself. 18. While she listens politely I keep sticking my foot in my mouth. 19. While we have very different personalities We seem to make it work together Which is sometimes surprising to the both of us. 20. And while she's content To just accept the nature of our compatibility I'm always trying figure it out. *****

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A Backhanded Criticism 2-6-2020 A way of handling things. _____ 1. When she asks a silly question I pretend that I don't hear her. 2. That way She'll hopefully read between the lines And get my backhanded criticism Without a fight. 3. It's a criticism And one that's often subtle But hopefully not so much so That it gets lost in its camouflage. *****

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Short-Lived Fruit 5-11-2020 Some periods of relief. _____ 1. All it takes Is the slightest breeze To refresh my spirit And gather my thoughts Like a pile of leaves Into a little poem. 2. All it takes Is for me to look up into The black endless Universe − And into the swarm of stars Sprinkled like salt throughout the heavens To release my feet From the clutches of gravity And take me away as one resurrected.

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3. All it takes Is one look into the night sky To empty the brimming cauldrons of my mind And crystal-clear my thoughts. 4. But these few sources of relief Never last long And quickly decay Like short-lived fallen fruit. *****

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The Hooked Nose 10-29-2020 His makeover didn't fully work. _____ 1. He was Jewish And the anti-Jewish mood of the country Frightened him into taking some steps That might shield him From the persecution and possible death That he saw coming. 2. One of those steps Was moving to a different town − Not too far away but far enough Not to be recognized by anyone And only to be thought of as Just some innocent and newly arrived citizen. 3. He burned and or threw away All his Jewish books and artifacts And replaced them with A Christian Bible Statues of some saints And a picture of Jesus That he conspicuously hung in his living room.

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4. He went to church regularly And was a generous contributor So that he'd be recognized As a member in good standing. He also learned all that he could About the Christian religion − His faux new religion − And became artfully versed in it Perfecting his camouflage and impersonation. He forged Birth, Baptism and Confirmation papers All with a non-Jewish name. Finally he bought a large and bright silver crucifix And wore it around his neck in open view. 5. But on one night they came for him. And without a trial or any evidence They dragged him out of his bed And unceremoneously hoisted him up by hand In a nearby alleyway and hung him With his feet only 3 inches off the ground. 6. After all his precautions What gave him away Was his slight Jewish accent And hooked nose That he wasn't able to hide. *****

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Belief In My Music 2-8-2020 The musical break that I need. _____ 1. So much of the music I hear on the radio I don't like Even those written by some renowned composers And feel that the music that I write Is in many cases much better With respect to its melody and its pure musical simplicity. 2. I'm not saying that out of any form of conceit Or false bravado But rather from my belief in the music I write. 3. If only I could find a musical sponsor To give my music the exposure it needs And the recognition I believe it warrants. That's the break I need. That's the door that needs to be open. *****

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Back To Brooklyn 10-25-2020 Full circle. _____ 1. I started out as just a working kid from Brooklyn − Struggling at school Working my way through college (No campus life for me) Joining the Navy and struggling again Through the officer training program. And after college struggling to survive In the competitive public accounting profession. 2. But then I made it: I became a partner In a major international firm. While having to work very hard and put in long hours I was able to enjoy the fruits and privileges of my labor: Dinners and drinks with business clients at The Four Seasons, the Berkshire Hotel, the Waldorf Astoria The Algonquin and Tavern on the Green in Central Park And rubbing elbows with such TV and film celebrities and agents as Stefanie Powers, Liam Neeson, Tony Danza and David Gest And a number of millionaires, producers and politicians. I, a mediocre kid from Brooklyn Had made it "to the top" And into those rarified circles − For a while anyway.

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3. Then my fortunes failed And I found myself for many years Between jobs and struggling financially and socially. I was no longer on those upper rungs of the ladder But rather on the bottom ones looking up Struggling with long commutes, In a non prestigious and low paying job Just to earn something for my retirement. I was back to being Just a working kid from Brooklyn again. 4. Although I'll die regretting that I couldn't stay on top And feeling a bit ashamed and disappointed about it I at least can look back with some pride and say: I was a working kid from Brooklyn Who thankfully made it out And to the top − Who had a glimpse of things From the top − And who had his day in the sun − For a while anyway.

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5. And although I couldn't sustain my position I'm thankful that my downward decent Was not a precipitously disastrous one Where I crashed and burned With a broken spirit and in financial ruin. 6. So here I am full circle − Just a kid from Brooklyn again Back from his tour − Back from having seen Paris. *****

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Consciousness 5-14-2020 Something that's maybe less sophisticated than it's purported to be. _____ 1. What is this thing called consciousness That we get so worked up about − That makes us feel so special − That we are so proud of But at the same time That we are so confused about As to what it really is? 2. In reality Consciousness is probably no more than A form of awareness − Albeit a heightened awareness − But nothing as mysterious, spiritual or metaphysical As attributable to a soul As we are so often and superstitiously been inclined to believe Out of pride, self-centeredness and elitism.

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3. I believe that all living things Have an intrinsic and introspective sense of self − A cubic and circumferential awareness of themselves Attributed to the collective interplay and interaction Between the senses and the brain − In both logical and hierarchical order And random disorder. 4. As mentioned before Consciousness is in all likelihood Just an advanced form of Awareness. It's as simple as that. Why make it anything metaphysical And more complex and elegant than it really is? Why not just leave it at that? *****

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An Additional Sentence 3-1-2020 Doing more time. _____ 1. I hate both leap year And when we switch back to Standard time For it means That we have to add another hour and another day Onto our sentences here on Earth. 2. Don't we have enough of life as it is Without adding Another day And another hour on to it? 3. It's a pessimistic view, certainly But that's the way I sometimes look at things. *****

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You Don't Know 10-26-2020 An old love that he's never gotten over. _____ 1. It's been a long time since we last met And we're exchanging polite smiles Representing That we're glad to see each other again. We're both smiling But one smile hurts. 2. Yes, I'm smiling But it's with mixed and strained emotions that I do For you just don't know how much It hurts me to put on this false smile for you Because while you have gotten over me I have never gotten over you. 3. You were my Chinese lantern But all too fragile to keep. *****

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You Won't Remember, But... (To Aubrey At 3 Months) 3-14-2020 Things I'd like you to remember. _____ 1. You came into this world 3 weeks earlier than normal So we had you to love That much longer. 2. What a beautiful baby you were. And as you grew your beautiful disposition Began to quickly show itself. And oh how I, your Grandpa, Could make you smile and laugh Which made me so very happy. I was better at that than the others At least so far.

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3. Based on some of your baby traits I'd call you little love names Like "Little 3 lips" Because your tongue was often showing Giving the appearance of another lip. I'd also call you "Little white-tongue" As your milk formula Would collect on the center of your tongue. And then there was "Bubble Mouth" As you often blew little bubbles from your dribbles. 4. And there was also "Little Bobbling Head" Because as you tried to control your head It would bob back and forth Like a toy on the dashboard of a car. And "Spinning Head" As it spun back and forth As you tried to see and explore everything around you. Oh how curious you were And how you could focus on things As if you were studying them With those beautiful expressive and search light eyes of yours That would often brighten up and bulge out In baby surprise and wonder.

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5. And then there was that little tongue of yours That would go in and out like that of a cute little baby lizard And so I called you "My Little Lizard" too. And also "Balloon Cheeks" Because of those big puffy Gerber-baby checks of yours. And for that big, ready and beaming toothless smile I gave you another obvious name: "Little Smiley." And then there were those cute "Little Mushroom Ears" of yours That curved out a little like Daddy's did when he was s baby. Oh, how I could watch you forever And create a million little names for you. 6. Because of the way you focused on things As if you were studying them I said to myself, "No attention deficit here" Rather the opposite. "You will be a very smart girl." How I wished and hoped that I'll still be around To see some of that intelligence shine In your later years. I also knew that I may not be around To tell you how much I love you So I'll tell you now. In this my baby poem to you.

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7. Oh and the conversations that we had together With your expressive squeaks and chirps And how our eyes locked on each other With your arms and legs flailing around In jerky motions like a mechanical toy. And oh how your eyes Would brighten up so beautifully. And that smile of yours − How it would spontaneously punctuate Each attempted sentence that you spoke. 8. And who did you look like? It changed frequently. At this writing you had the nose, lips and eyes Of your Mom But when I looked at them all together You had the face Of your Dad. But things kept changing And I watched with love and hope At every change. 9. And when you got antsy It was not from any bad or spoiled temperament But only because of one or a combination of 3 things: Your diapers were wet You were hungry Or you were tired and needed some sleep. It was always something legitimate and understandable. Oh what a well-tempered baby you were.

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10. And when you were hungry And began to cry or fuss I'd take you in my arms For a little tour around the kitchen That calmed you right down As you wide-eyed studied everything we'd pass Or stopped to look at for a bit Especially the TV!. Oh ,Oh..hooked already? 11. On our walking tour I'd explain everything as we went along With little whispers in your ear All of which you seemed to understand. 12. And then when your bottle was warm and ready I'd put you in the lap of your Mom or Grandma − Who you looked up at as your "saviors" With your eyes locked on them in peaceful contentment As you drank. 13. You are a beautiful baby Both inside and out And I hope someday and someway You'll find this poem And pretend I'm reading it to you. Oh how I wish for that day. ~ Love you, my little Aubrey, Love from Grandpa. ***** 197

James Bond (On Tom Carroll) 11-22-2020 About my old boss, partner and former friend. _____ 1. When we'd go on a business call together The receptionists and the secretaries Would drop their jaws (And probably drop their drawers as well) When they saw him − When they saw, Tom Carroll. They couldn't take their eyes off him As he was a head-turning good-looker And always impeccably dressed. 2. And when he entered the meeting room He drew everyone's attention As he had that presence about him. And when he spoke Everyone listened and believed him As if he were a god speaking. And to top it off He was very intelligent. And oh how he could command Whatever audience he was in. He always filled the suit and the room Perfectly.

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3. All the girls wanted him And all the guys, including me, wanted to be like him. He was James Bond − 007. 4. And over all the 30 years I knew him He never seemed to age And whatever age he did show It was always complementary. He stayed in good shape, complexion and humor. 5. I could never compete with him on any level: Looks, charisma or whatever. Although I tried to copy him I could never measure up Even on my tippy toes. He was a god-man that was invincible. 6. But then as fate would have it All of a sudden he contracted cancer. That fast consumed and ate him alive. All his luck, charm and good looks melted away Like candle wax And he was transformed into a pock-marked leper That was hard and depressing to look at. And then, he was gone. Incredibly I had survived a god.

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7. Life can turn its back on you In a fickle minute. Life turned away from him But somehow let me be − For the time being at least − To think about things. *****

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Prayers That Went Nowhere 1-6-2020 Prayers that couldn't get through. _____ 1. There was no one I could talk to So as an alternative I prayed. 2. But my prayers didn't go anywhere As there was no break in the heavens to let them trough So they just hung there above me Like a bloated rain cloud. 3. The more I prayed The more that cloud grew in size and weight. And with no relief to it My prayers were drowning in themselves. 4. With no break in the heavens It was worse Than if I had never prayed at all. ***** 201

My Old Next Door Neighbor, Frieda 12-29-19 Remembering my next door tenement neighbor, Frieda Abracheff in Apt 52 at 553 3rd Ave, New York City _____ 1. She was old and almost crippled with painful arthritis And because of it, it took her forever To climb the 5 flights of hard slate tenement stairs To get to her one-room rent-controlled apartment That the Welfare Department had gotten for her. It was especially hard for her As she was in her 70's, overweight and had swollen legs. Getting down those stairs wasn't much easier. 2. She scaled those up and down stairs once a week Or sometimes every other week To buy a few staples for her skimpy meals Like some eggs, hot dogs, beans, bread and peanut butter. She picked her shopping day and time When there wouldn't be much traffic on the stairs And few would witness her tortuous ordeal − She had her pride.

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3. She placed her shopping bag On the step just above the one she was standing on. Then she placed her left foot on that step And, after a painful car-jack like hoist − With her right shoulder pressed against the wall for support − She got her right foot to join her left. Then she rested for a few moments To catch her breath and psych herself up for the next step Of the hundred more that followed. 4. In her cramped apartment She'd read and watch a little TV. She'd also spend some time Looking out the window Like a bird in a cage. 5. There was only one small window That looked onto the busy New York City street But from it, she could only see A teasing sliver of that street − A sliver only about the width Of her extended hand. 6. That little sliver was all the view she had Created when the 2 adjacent apartment buildings Had slightly and cautiously pried themselves apart for her To give her that miserly but much appreciated Brick-lined alleyway-like view.

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7. That slivered, tunnel view Also only gave her fleeting images Of cars and busses whizzing by − But they were so small And flashed by so fast That she could never get them in focus. So rather than being a comfort to her They were often sources of frustration. 8. She sometimes found herself Staring out the window As if she were in a trance. Sometime she'd count bricks. Sometime she'd study the peeling paint. Sometimes she'd follow the cracks In the plaster on her ceilings and walls. And sometimes she'd mesmerize herself Watching the colors change as the light passed through The grease spots on her window panes. 9. Being old and feeling helpless She would not complain Even when there was no heat in the winter Figuring someone would surely report it. It was the same with the roaches. To complain and cause a fuss Was just "too much trouble" And so she just resigned herself things And all that came with it.

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10. This was her hard and lonely life With no friends or relatives to help her Just waiting for Death to come and relieve her Of her loneliness and struggles Especially climbing those punishing stairs. *****

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Quips, Quotes And Sayings 6-9-2020 Collected from various readings. _____ 1. It' is often better to go through life With some things hidden beneath the rocks Than to lift them up And watch the maggots writher in the light. 2. The worst lies Are the lies you tell yourself. 3. The problem with conscience Is that you pay for your sins Even though you got away with them. 4. "How do I know where to begin And when I have arrived?", he asked: "Begin at the beginning", the King said gravely, "And go on 'till you come to the end, then stop." ...Louis Carroll.

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5. Side with the doer Rather than the critic. 6. Much has been sacrificed in night's shadows So that we can live safely in the daylight. 7. I've come to realize that Route 66 is not a location But rather an idea. 8. God will not look you over for medals or degrees But rather for your bruises and scars. 9. Do nothing, say nothing and be nothing And you'll never be criticized. 10. You never know what horrific currents Run beneath calm surfaces. 11. I once met a man who said he spoke to God So I asked him, next time To say hello for me. 12. Some personalities are too large To be contained in small locales.

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13. Small gifts shine bright In the darkness of want. 14. My road has taken An unexpected detour. 15. Slavery still exists It just goes by a different name now. 16. What a heavy thing it is to be looked down on By the very people who you once looked down on. 17. Sometimes our opinions and plans have to bend So they don't break. 18. A sandwich with a friend Is better than a feast eaten alone. 19. I have futilely chased happiness for so long That I almost didn't recognize it When it snuck up on me from behind. 20. Challenges are like thunderstorms Wherein some see darkness And others see nourishment. ***** 208

Moral Accountability 6-20-2020 How much accountability and or culpability do we have? _____ 1. I killed an annoying fly On purpose And an ant By accident. 2. How much accountability and or culpability Do I have? When is it murder And when is it not? 3. To what level of morality do we have to achieve? How granular do we have to get? How philosophical do we have to be? To what extent does the world bear responsibility And to what extent do we? What is the ethical protocol and standard are we measured against? Or are there no ethics or morality in the world Except that which we have invented?

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4. Are all our actions merely chemical reactions Absent of any propriety As much as the amorality of the physics of A gas turning into a liquid With no tacky morality to reckon with at all? Is it all as simple and bland as that With little moral accountability? *****

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My Life Would Be Complete (On Aubrey) 6-5-2020 That point in Aubrey's and my life. _____ 1. She's such a good little girl − Crying only when she's Wet, uncomfortable, tired or hungry. And when she does cry It's not a demanding, whining or grating cry But rather a cry like she's just "asking" for help. Sometimes it's not even a "cry" But just a cute little squeaking sound And more like a simple request for something In baby talk. 2. She loves her little walker As it gives her the freedom to get around on her own And she zooms around the kitchen With great energy and amazing control. We took up all rugs in the kitchen And made it into "Racetrack # 1" for her. Then we rolled up the rug in the back porch And made it into "Racetrack #2".

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3. Aubrey watches everything − Every person − every motion. And when she gets antsy I would often take her for a "tour" around the house Where we'd visit every room and look out every window And this fascinates her As she can get interested in things very quickly and easily. This is especially evident Whenever I open the refrigerator Wherein she immediately reaches for the stuff on the shelves Attracted by all the variety of shapes and colors And touching everything she can With wide-eyed concentration and focus. Oh how I love to watch this little girl Exploring and enjoying herself so much. 4. Aubrey always has a smile For everyone And all the time. Reflecting her beautiful disposition. She's just so precious.

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5. Oh Aubrey, it's hard to explain Just how much we love you. And as I've told Grandma and others in the family I would consider my life complete If I were to live long enough To see you standing at the mailboxes In front of our house With your little school bag, waiting for the school bus Just as I watched your Mom and your Uncle Kerry When they were growing up. ~ After I see that I'd feel that I could go at anytime − Feeling That I've had a full life. *****

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A Double Affliction 6-9-2020 One worse than the other. _____ 1. Having survived Where others more deserving Haven't I am burdened with: Survivor's Guilt. 2. And not having made More of the life that was the gift of my survival I am burdened with A second and more stone-grinding affliction: Survivor's Regret. *****

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Consciousness 1-31-2020 Inspired by a 2003 column "Evolution: Man vs. Computer" by Charles Krauthammer, a columnist for the Washington Post. _____ 1. Someday, machines will achieve Their own form of consciousness. After all, we achieved ours With our very own − And not-too-different − Humble beginnings. 2. In biology, neurons stared firing millions of years ago Allowing tiny mindless organisms To move about on their own. And then from there When enough of those neurons Were joined together And had enough biological complexity to them Mixed with a lot of luck and some chance mutations That mass of individually unconscious members Became a collective "consciousness" − Us − Causing a cartoon balloon to pop up and say, "I have arrived." ***** 215

The Last Laugh 11-9-2020 The spoiler wind and Autumn leaves. _____ 1. I just finished raking a ton of leaves. Then, just as I'm finishing The wind came up And leaves began to fall like snow Covering up the ground that I had just raked. The wind seemed to have waited until I was almost done And then came up, just for spite. 2. As I watched through the blizzard of colored leaflets Of yellows, reds, browns and oranges They seemingly fell In direct defiance of me and my work − Laughing at me And my helplessness.

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3. But that's OK by me For two reasons: Firstly, the gliding rain of colors around me Was a beautiful sight to see. And secondly, as the leaves fell away They further opened up the trees As though they had been unveiled Wherein I could see Both the intricate architecture of the trees As well as through the trees Giving me a sense of space and openness That allowed me to see distances That I couldn't see before. 4. Go ahead and relish in thinking you're a spoiler. And go ahead and have an insolent and snickering laugh on me. But, with all the beauty and the openness That you have given me I have the last laugh. *****

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Tradeoffs 1-13-2020 Nothing's perfect. _____ 1. His kids are grown and out of the house. He's retired and has a decent pension. He's healthy and in fairly good financial shape. With a nest egg for financial security. The house is free and clear and its maintenance is low He has no debts and he's fully insured For health, property and liability. His health and wealth will give him Many good years during his retirement Exercising, reading and watching TV − Relaxing with peace of mine. 2. He's sitting in serene bliss And so much better than most For he had what others Would at a minimum Be envious of And at the maximum Would kill for.

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3. Yes, although his financially secure position Guaranteed him a care free retirement It also guaranteed an uneventful life − Enough to drive him crazy. 4. The problem was That those guarantees: Of no worries. No surprises. No challenges Was boring and almost smothering For there was nothing to get his adrenalin pumping Or his blood boiling. There were no shocks that he had to absorb Or challenges that would give him the exercise he needed To stay sharp and focused. Instead, it was as though he had dropped out of life. 5. While it was an easy and secure life There was nothing to get his juices going. It was bland and boring − tasteless and empty. 6. While you don't want to have a life full of troubles You don't want to have a boring life with no troubles either. Everything in life − Even perfection − Has its tradeoffs. *****

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The Machine Room 9-16-2020 The Thorax holds and protects all our vital equipment. _____ 1. Between the neck and the abdomen There is a casing − Walls if you like − Made of the breastplate, ribs and the dorsal vertebrae That protect all the vital organs − Those that govern the vital functions Of respiration and circulation. 2. This is the machine room − The command center − Which directs everything And on which everything depends. *****

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Going Out The Same Way I Came In 6-11-2020 I've written about this subject before. _____ 1. When I was a little boy I was depressed − About me in particular And life in general. I didn't feel that life was worth living Which was no way for a little boy to be thinking And to be weighted down with. 2. Things stayed that way until I was in my 20s When I joined, and adjusted to, the Navy For I was then away from home With a life and income of my own Which made me feel for the first time Confident and independent. I was reborn in a way. 3. Oh, I still had my bouts of depression But they were not so prolonged or deep.

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4. But now in my 70's Some of those same feelings I had In those earlier years Have recently reappeared like ghosts of the past − Visages of my former life. 5. I thought I was over all that And had escaped the clutches of that boogeyman And had out run him. But with these recent bouts, I thought again, "Maybe not." 6. I thought those old days of despondency Were of no more consequence And that I'd be able to go out on a high note. 7. But with these feelings of the past Ensnaring me again That may not be the case Portending the real possibility That I may go out The same way that I came in. *****

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A Minute Speck Of Nothing 6-14-2020 We are nothing, much less self-centeredly special. _____ 1. I am just a minute organic speck of growth On a single grain of sand In an endless and airless Universe And as such, I have no detectable weight or import So for all intents and purposes I don't even exist. I am nothing In the scheme of this massive Universe. 2. If me and all the other creatures crawling on this planet − Or even if the entire planet itself were to disappear − It would mean absolutely nothing To the Universe. 3. It's only a lack of intelligence and perspective For us to think that we are anything important Much less central, special or privileged And god forbid, god-like. ***** 223

Dilution 11-13-2020 All things change in life change with aging. _____ 1. He remembers A time When all his family Were all within reach and earshot of him Just across the table − When he was "king" And everything he said was listened to Out of respect And or out of fear. 2. But over the years His children had children And they had children And they had children as well Until there was a sea of relatives surrounding him − Great grand children, cousins and in laws galore.

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3. He was now just another face in the crowd Whose voice was drowned out or ignored In the hum and din of all the other voices. It was his own doing By his own progeny − It was nothing personal But very personal If you know what I mean. It was just the way that life works. 4. Now he was only a shadow of himself And of lesser consequence To anyone or anything Than he was before. His presence and his influence Had been diluted And his place at the table Had so much competition now. 5. Without any regret or animosity But just with a sense of nostalgia and the wonder Of how time and life change all things He thinks about a time long ago In a time When things were very different. *****

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The Drain Hole 11-16-20 Equals now, headed in the same destination. _____ 1. Due to our ages or conditions We're all now in the water that's circling the sink Heading in the same slippery-wet downward direction Toward that drain hole That is the threshold of our end. 2. Some are well dressed and well off While others tattered and broke. Some embrace fond and proud memories While others are filled with emptiness and regret. 3. But all these and all the other differences Don't matter now As we all find ourselves in the same soup Where the past and who we were are of little consequence For we've all now become equals As we circle the bowl Speeding towards our common destinations. ***** 226

What Would I Do Without Her? (On Vi) 1-6-2020 If I were to lose her. _____ 1. She's old and achy now And sometimes not even able to walk. But I still love her And more now than ever. 2. Oh, that giving nature of hers And that genuine sunshine smile Has had me hooked for life. ~ Oh, what would I do without her? *****

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Man Against The Elements 11-5-2020 A night time sport. _____ 1. Even in the dead of Winter I don't turn the heat on in my room. 2. On particularly cold nights I assume a fetal position And make an air tight tent-like structure out of my sheets By tucking them tightly under my body. By doing so, I trap a pocket of air Between my body and the sheets Which heats up and forms a thermal air insulator − Similar to how a double pane window works. 3. However, any time I move − Every time I turn over or change position − The seal would be breached in certain locations And the freezing air would rush in and blow over me And I'd shiver until my body Could warm up the insulating air barrier again Which would take some shivering time to do.

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4. Why do I go through all this? Well, it's a kind of game − A macho kind of game that − When it works − Makes you feel exhilarated Like athletes feel When they push themselves To their extremes And against the extremes of nature − Against the challenge of the elements. 5. And that's what it is for me − My little exhilarating winter game of "Man against the elements." *****

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A Matter Of Degree 1-5-2020 We are all imperfect and comparatively by degrees. _____ 1. He's a liar, they say And so it may be. But we're all liars from time to time And for some of us All the time It's just a matter of degree. 2. Fools we often are All of us Some bigger than others It's just a matter of degree. 3. No one knows everything And no one knows nothing So like everything else It's just a matter of degree.

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4. How we love and how we hate How we condemn and how we forgive What we do and what we don't Who we are and who we're not Is all a matter of degree. 5. How it is and how it's not What is what and what is not Is all a matter of degree. *****

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Communism 1-22-2020 Theory versus reality. _____ 1. Karl Marx (1818-1883) was a German Jew Who, in collaboration with Friedrich Engles, Published "Das Kapital" (the "Communist Manifesto") in 1848, Which proposed an economic system aimed at Curing the injustices of the Capitalist system. It took hold in Russia culminating in the Russian Revolution That toppled the Czar in 1917. 2. In the 1930s and 40s communism gained in strength In the labor unions in the UK and the US And this growth was due to The disproportionate1 support of the Jews. My educated guess as to why this was Was because the Jews, being very intelligent, Became enamored with the rational "theory" of Communism. Further, being oppressed so often themselves They identified with its theoretical goals of equalization.

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3. Unfortunately though While the theory looked good on paper It's application in reality was disastrous As it gave complete control to the state and its party leaders Which resulted in political, personal and intellectual oppression For the very people it was supposed to benefit Which power led to mass corruption, imprisonment and murder. 4. The Czar ignored the people and left them to their misery The Communists on the other hand Rather than ignoring them They oppressed, brutalized and enslaved them Adding to their misery And a case where the medicine was worse than the disease. 5. Oh those misplaced, misjudged and abusive differences Between theory and practice. *****

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Showering 3-8-2020 A conflicted situation. _____ 1. A few weeks Or even a month without showering. Sounds shocking. But it's really not. 2. In the old days − People sometimes bathed only once a year. And so with that perspective I don't feel so unusual or guilty about My not taking more frequent showers. 3. And I rationalize my situation: Showering takes up valuable time That I could be using for more productive things − Like my work, personal projects and my avocations. And because we have well-water Showering uses up a lot of precious and limited water. And using a washcloth to daily to wipe myself down I can keep relatively clean until my next scheduled shower. On and on I could go. 234

4. I'm like a cat who just doesn't like water. But you know, after I do take one I feel absolutely great! 5. Oh, it's such a strange and conflicted thing − This showering thing with me. *****

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She Blossoms As I Wither (On Aubrey And Me) 3-16-2020 Contrasts offsetting each other before my eyes. ____ 1. As I watch Aubrey Blossom I watch myself Wither In contrast. 2. With everything She gains These is something I lose. For every new hair she grows I lose an old grey one. 3. That's the way life is − Full of stark comparisons Which are more visible to me now More than ever before. ***** 236

A Hard Face 2-20-2020 A hard face often solicits negative impressions. _____ 1. He had a face that annoyed just about everyone − A face that turned them off and away from him. His face was a repelling first impression That made people crab away sideways. 2. And when he opened his mouth His words reflected his unfriendly face Which of course made things worse And wiped away any benefit of the doubt That possibly might have been given him. 3. He never could get out of his own shadow − The shadow that followed him − That encrypted and sealed him off from the mainstream. Even his smiles were suspect As insincere, contrived or false.

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4. His portrait was not painted With broad flowing brush strokes But rather in a choppy stipple style Making it look staccato-rough and unfinished. 5. And because he often kept to himself He was labeled as anti-social When he really wasn't. 6. How they viewed and treated him Was in many ways unfair. But could they be blamed? Yes, but not 100% Because we all bear some responsibility For the perceptions we convey to others For perceptions often become reality Unless we counter them. 7. For some people Who have that kind of self-condemning face Have an obligation to themselves and to others To take some steps to counter the perceptions they emit. Otherwise they bear some responsibility For the labels people attach to them And their resulting misfortunes. *****

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Love Lost? (On Vi) 4-3-2020 Scary thoughts after a 2nd major fight. _____ 1. Vi and I had another yelling fight − A second one not long after a previous one Back in February Over the same issue. 2. I never heard Vi yell so loud or so viciously Making her anger unbelievably equal to mine. It shook me to my core Thinking that she could be this way. She was a completely different person From what I had known. She turned into a werewolf. 3. Had she changed? Was this episode the confirmation of The changed person that I saw When we had the first fight?

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4. I was mad at her after the first fight Turning cold to her And becoming depressed myself and sinking into a brooding bog Which is my usual reaction and punishment after a fight And which hangs on me for quite a long time afterwards. She, on the other hand, recovers fairly quickly At least on the surface And never goes into any kind of bog like I do. 5. After a fight, I get wounded and stuck in place Requiring a long time to recover And feeling that I have to "get back" at her Which I do with a hard and scowling face Which doesn't help me. 6. With the 2nd fight Coming so soon after the 1st The hole I was in from the 1st fight Just got bigger, and to a size that might be too big For me to ever get out of. 7. Seeing her And even just thinking about her now Makes me mad. And from down in my hole The mixture of unresolved hurt and anger Is hard for me to reckon with And not a good sign.

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8. I know she's a good woman And has always been my supporter But even though I know I love her Since those fights I can't seem to get that love-feeling back again Which is scaring me. Have my feelings for her hardened like granite? 9. Although I'm uncomfortable in my hole At the same time I'm strangely comfortable. It's my private space − My damp and musty hideout Where I can be alone and by myself and sulk And where I can do my own accounting Of myself and of the world. 10. Looking up from down in that hole I see the blue circle of sky over me. And as I sink further down I see it getting smaller and smaller As the brown dirt walls swallow me With great satisfaction.

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11. Similarly, I see another image: I see myself standing outside my house In the freezing cold looking through the windows And feeling the warmth that I refuse to enjoy Out of spite and hurt And the "willingness" to freeze to death. These are the strange images that my depression Serves up to me. 12. In my self-entombment and depression I've lost all the instinctive desire to save myself. I've gone "self-destruct" Where nothing else matters Except to continue my Don Quixote pursuit. 13. But the scariest thing is my thinking That I may have lost the loving feeling For the one who has been with me almost all my life And even more scary That she may have lost her feelings for me. 14. Will I climb my way out of this hole Or will I uncontrollably prefer To let it keep me in its muddy tomb And not release me for another chance at life But rather, in effect, kill the both of us In a murder-suicide? *****

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A Common Sense Concoction 11-26-2020 A homemade remedy for getting to sleep. _____ 1. I couldn't sleep last night. Even after reading for a while And having had my traditional glasses of wine I just couldn't get to sleep. 2. It was a conglomeration of things That made me unsettled and restless: I was itchy from not having showered in a few days After long hours of working on the lawn and grounds; I was a little hungry; And I had a lot of pain from the gout in my left foot. 3. So, I got up out of bed Went downstairs to the kitchen And using whatever was available and at hand I orchestrated a common sense solution to the problem: I put some Orajel on my foot Microwaved and ate a spicy Jamaican meat pie Turned on the TV for a little distraction And drank a can of room-temperature beer.

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4. That little common sense formula With nothing fancy or scientific about it Was all that was needed. After that concoction I was reasonably comfortable Went upstairs And slept like a baby. *****

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Hidden Depression 5-29-2020 A true story about Tom Daly, a former friend of mine. _____ 1. He was handsome, charming and personable. He made quick friends. And he had a way with the ladies. On the surface he was the All-American guy. 2. However, and known to only a few He was deeply depressed So much so that each day after work He went home to his apartment Went straight to bed And pulled the covers over his head Where he often stayed until morning. 3. His apartment was filthy With dirty clothes strewn about, A bathroom that he never cleaned, And weeks of dirty dishes Piled up in the sink and on the tables and counters. ~ I never delved into what his problem was Preferring to keep a safe distance From the hornet's nest. ***** 245

Chemistry To Biology 5-15-2020 Evolution to extinction. _____ 1. The route of life advances from Chemistry to Biology And then from Biology to Life And then from Life all the way up to us. ~ Simplicity to complexity. ~ Evolution is molasses-like Often taking billions of years. 2. Extinction, on the other hand Comes much faster And sometimes Instantly. *****

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I Forgot To Kiss Her Goodnight 9-2-2020 Regretting a small, but important, omission _____ 1. Every night I kiss her goodnight But last night I didn't − The night she died. 2. Did she go to bed Thinking I had done it on purpose? Was it that thought That she took to her grave? 3. That night's mistake − Inadvertent and careless as it was − I will be taking with me to my grave. 4. Of all the things I regret This was the one that I regret the most And that will forever haunt me With no chance of rectification Or coming to terms with it. ***** 247

A Rind 5-23-2020 Aging. _____ 1. I am now An old and crusty Rough and wrinkled Dry and scratchy Thing − A rind, if you will. 2. A few days from now I'll be 77 Physically feeling And looking like all of it. 3. But here I am Withered and worn Arriving at post number 77 But feeling like I'm 18 And no more worse for wear. A real dichotomy.

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4. If I were a candle I'd be in a large diameter of melted wax Having the topography of craggily mountain That would give away my age. But the light of that candle Burns just as bright as ever Oblivious of its age and stubby length. 5. Where has all the color and the juices gone That have left me Pale, flaky and brittle on the surface? − All into a big barrel of past memories. But the inner juices remain well preserved By that protective rind. 6. I am a 77 year old rind On a short one-way street Leading to a dead end But my spirit doesn't know that. *****

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God Tests Those He Loves The Most 2-24-2020 An old, encouraging saying. _____ 1. The world is full of pain and suffering − Full of hurdles, heartbreaks and disappointments All of which Might crush or discourage The strongest of men. 2. To counter these give-up feelings One must remember and take encouragement From an old saying: ~ "God tests those he loves the most." ~ Really, now? *****

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My New Roommate 1-15-2020 Caring for "Snickers", the rabbit. _____ 1. I moved out of my 3rd floor "penthouse" And into Leandra's old bedroom on the 2nd floor Giving up my bedroom, office and private bathroom To Leandra, Justin and baby Aubrey So they'd have their own apartment. 2. Leandra took everything of hers upstairs Except for, her pet rabbit, "Snickers." Without anything said or agreed to "Snickers" was left to me − As if left in a basket on the steps of a church. 3. Leandra, being overwhelmed with newborn baby Aubrey "Snickers" was "orphaned", so to speak − Orphaned to me. 4. Life often foists upon us Things that we just have to deal with as best we can. So here we are, "Snickers" and me − Roommates for life. *****

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My Unwinding Machine 12-19-2020 A chance find. _____ 1. I read a lot of science books. Complex books. Confusing and often difficult-to-understand books. Books that are almost like text books. And because of the physics and math in them They're often more exhausting and mind-boggling to read Than they are relaxing − Less like reading And more like studying. 2. I can't read these heavy subjects for too long Before tiring And needing to take a break To digest and figure out what I had just read. Often, I'd have to read and reread things Over and over again In dizzying circles. 3. One night after I stopped reading for the evening I remained seated in my arm chair Trying to catch my mental breath And just happened to notice on the bookshelf An old slightly tattered book of children's stories And picked it up and began reading the first story.

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4. Being simple children's stories With no heavy or perplexing issues It was easy reading and relaxing So relaxing that it slowly began to untie All the physics and mathematical concepts That had knotted up in my head. ~ To my pleasant surprise I had stumbled upon An unwinding machine. *****

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Walking On Pencil Points 12-19-2020 Little-big problems with my feet. _____ 1. I'm 76, active and healthy. I pride myself in that And am grateful for my physical good fortune Especially when I see those Who are my age and even younger With severe health and mobility issues. 2. Recently though, I had two problems with my feet: I sprained my left ankle Which hasn't healed in 9 months And I developed gout in my right foot Both of which were painful and debilitating. 3. I never realized how important And how strategic Your feet are And how even little problems in these strategic areas Can affect you so dramatically. 4. Where before I used to walk normally I now hobble left and right − Like a metronome − And look like an old man Well into his 90s.

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5. Where before I used to be able to keep my balance naturally Without thinking about it. Now I sometimes have to hold on to the furniture To help me safely get across the room Or use a cane. 6. Where before I used to sprint up the stairs Often 2 steps at a time I now have to go up sideways Slowly and carefully negotiating each and every step And figuring out how to minimize the pain. 7. Where before I walked steady and sure footed I now feel like I'm walking on stilts Whose points have been sharpened Into pencil points. 8. Where before, I looked and felt Young and healthy I now sometimes look and feel Like an old cripple. 9. Oh how sobering it is To realize now for the first time Just how vital and strategic These two little appendages are. *****

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Who Will Go First? 2-25-2020 A waiting game between "Snickers" and me by default. _____ 1. When Leandra moved out of her bedroom on the 2nd floor And into my former bedroom and office on the 3rd floor And made it into an apartment For herself, Justin and newborn Aubrey Lee She didn't take her pet rabbit, "Snickers" And kind of just left it there for me to deal with. 2. I asked her a number of times What she intended to do with "Snickers" But she never gave me a definitive answer Leaving me with a roommate By default. 3. Cleaning his cage weekly Feeding him twice a day And periodically grooming him Is work enough But what I feel most bad and guilty about Is not being able to pay much attention to him And seeing him there in his cage, effectively In solitary confinement.

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4. Rabbits, in captivity have an expected life span Of between 8 to 12 years. "Snickers" is about 11 But he shows no sign of his age As he eats well Moves his bowels frequently Is alert and responsive And has a good coat. 5. It appeared to me That Leandra wasn't going to make a decision As to what she'll do with "Snickers" − Bring him up to her apartment, Find a new home for him Or put him down. So with his age, now at 11 years I decided that rather than push the issue And risk it becoming a source of contention I would just assume responsibility for him By default 6. So the decision as to what to do with "Snickers" Was effectively now Up to me By default.

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7. If I were to find a new home for him I'd feel guilty For having abandoned him to strangers in his final years And placing him in a maybe uncomfortable environment. If I were to put him down I'd feel even more guilty. So I decided to keep him as my roommate By default. 8. So with me at my age of 76 years And his age of 11 years We are both at the threshold where in a year or two It is statistically feasible That one or both of us might go − But who first? 9. So the waiting game is on In that each morning we'd look at each other To see who had made it through the night or who had not. And if we both had made it We'd defer the outcome To the next day's spin of the wheel To see what fate and luck would bring us By default. *****

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Light Tunnels In The Thorns 1-3-2020 Look for the little openings of light.. _____ 1. Life is like being in a tangle of thorns Wherein if you flail around in a panic And try to fight your way out You'll tear yourself to bloody pieces. 2. But if you stop And calmly access your situation (Which is hard to do under most circumstances) You'll notice there are some openings of daylight among the thorns Just big enough for you contort your way through One crouching, twisting and bloodless step at a time. 3. Though you'll never get out of the thorn patch You can usually Make your way through the thorns By tunneling through those windows of light One by one. *****

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The Center Of The Universe (To Aubrey Lee) 1-20-2020 A shift in the heavens. _____ Dear Aubrey, The day you were born There was a noticeable shift In the heavens When you became The center of the Universe. *****

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We Made A Family For Ourselves 1-20-2020 The coming together of our family. _____ 1. Mom and I Were looking to have children. And Kerry and Leandra Were looking to have parents. So we all chipped in together And made a family for ourselves. 2. Family is not made From whose blood you have But from who loves you. *****

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Some Reflections On My Life 1-20-2020 Another of many reflection on my life.. _____ 1. I was born In 1943 in the middle of World War II 2 years after the bombing of Pearl Harbor. My father served in the Navy − Thankfully, stateside. We hung a service banner in our window That had a blue star in the center Against a field of white and a red border around it Signifying that a family member was in the service. 2. I was born Only 8 years after the Great Depression of the 1930s. Neither my parents or my grandparents Told me much about those hard years Or about the war years. Oh how I wish they had. Oh how I wished they would have shared with me Their first-hand stories As in my later years I became fascinated with history.

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3. On my Norwegian father's side They never talked much About my grandfather's life on whaling ships Or his immigration to America. And on my Irish mother's side I never heard about the great fires my grandfather fought As a New York City Fireman. Nor did I hear much about my Norwegian Uncle John Fighting in the Army in the jungles of New Guinea Or my Irish Uncle Jack's war experiences in the Navy Removing bodies off the beaches in the South Pacific during WW II. Oh how I would have loved to have heard those stories. 4. Although I don't have too many family stories to tell myself I do remember 2 amusing stories about my Irish grandmother: The first was about her frequently telling me To go around the corner to Grogan's Bar and Grill And "Tell your Grandpa to come on home now, or else." The 2nd was about the time I cut my hand on a piece of glass After jumping over a fire hydrant And coming into her house bleeding and crying And her yelling at me: "Get out in the alley − you're dripping blood all over my rug." And as I continued to cry, still holding my bleeding hand But now standing in the alley I remember her saying: "Oh stop your whining, you'll live 'til you're married twice." Oh how I wish I had more family stories About the war, the Depression, coming to America − About anything and everything. Oh how I wish I had relatives who were story tellers.

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5. As a little boy growing up I was, for whatever reason, Oversensitive and very down on myself Always comparing myself to others And feeling that I was inadequate, different And not able to "handle" life "Like the others could." I was frightened of the world And depressed about having to face All the years that were ahead of me And thinking of ways that I could just end it all In some non-messy way. I was miserable. While others wish they could go back To the happy and carefree days of their youth I never want to go back to mine − A sad and unfortunate commentary. 6. When I just turned 17 my mother died. I watched her disintegrate with cancer for the 3 years And watched my father disintegrate along with her. My father was so in love with my mother − Too much in love − So that when she died He might as well have died with her As he became a broken man And very tough to live with With fighting and tension in the family all the time. Then he lost his job and we had to go on welfare for a while. In addition to my boyhood years My teens and early 20's weren't that great either.

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7. During the 1950's and 60s Brooklyn was full of street gangs and the Mafia And I got caught up with trying to be a wannabe tough guy To somehow prove myself, or whatever. That period of my life ended sharply When I got shot at during a foot race with a cop on the beat Trying to get away from a stolen car that I had just crashed. Luckily I was never caught or tracked down. It was at that time that I realized How bad things had gotten And the fire I was playing with that would have ruined my life. Thankfully, I got scared straight Before I had gotten myself a record and maybe done jail time. It was a positive turning point in my life. 8. Shortly before my mother died I called her at Lennox Hill Hospital From a corner phone booth in lower Manhattan And told her that I'd been accepted to Fordham. I could hardly hear her weak voice But I could tell she was happy and proud. 9. Campus life was economically out of the question And so for my 4 years of college I worked full time As a messenger for National City Bank (now Citibank) − Up at 5 am, walked a mile to the subway Attended class in an old loft building in downtown Manhattan From 7 to 12 Ate a baloney or a cottage cheese and olive sandwich from home Worked from 12 to 7 Then got home at about 9 pm.

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10. Three months after graduating college And in the middle of the Vietnam War I joined the Naval Officers Program. Emotionally and academically I wasn't doing well And almost quit the program several times. Here again, I was facing the same demons that I faced as a kid Thinking that I couldn't handle things Compared to everybody else who could. In the end though, I stuck it out And became an officer. This was another positive turning point in my life. Somehow I was to a large degree Freed from some of the past feelings of inadequacy That had weighed me down. I was now: Away from home, Out of school and on my own With some growing and long overdue Self confidence. For the first time in my life I saw life as something to maybe look forward to.

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11. When I got out of the Navy I was − career wise − 4 years behind those who didn't serve. However, the Navy was a good maturing life-experience And I became more of a man because of it. Soon after release from the Navy I was accepted into the prestigious CPA firm Of Peat Marwick Mitchell & Co. But the first couple of jobs I was assigned to Were very difficult and stressful And those same old feelings of inadequacy resurfaced And I wanted to quit and go into a less challenging profession. But I didn't quit and stuck it out And 11 years later ultimately made partner But that didn't come easy for as part of the deal I had to become a partner in Brazil for 4 years. Although that set me back another 4 years in my US career Living and working in Brazil, like the Navy, Was another unique life-experience. Becoming a partner was the pinnacle of my career. 12. Then I was let go by Peat Marwick which almost broke me. Although I was accepted as partner in another CPA firm It only lasted 5 years Followed by more than a decade of job changes And having to suffer the demoralizing work of searching for jobs. Finally, a job was offered to me by a long time business friend And, despite the job being below my qualifications and pay scale And required 5 plus grueling hours of commuting from CT to NJ I took it for the sake of having some job security And the prospect of being able to save a little for my retirement. During these career years, I had married, was raising a family, And for 7 1/2 years renovated our 1894 house in CT.

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13. Then I was let go again, for the 7th time in my career − Forced into "retirement" at age 68. Still not having enough for our financial security I got myself licensed as an insurance agent And financial representative in CT. I hated it and after 2 + years at age 71, I quit. 14. Not having a pension Or enough savings for my retirement And for the family's financial security I bought 2 houses as rental properties And became a full-time property manager. Now at age 76 I'm still working Managing these rental properties And living off the rental income Which thankfully, but not always, Is enough to make ends meet. But being the pessimist and worry wart that I am There's always the threat on the horizon Of a downturn in the economy or financial crisis That might be disastrous for us in our last years of life. But there's nothing I can do about that Except hope for the best.

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15. So looking back On the professional side I'm glad and proud of the fact that Although I was at the bottom rung of some of my successes I could say that I had achieved some notable achievements Namely Graduating college Becoming a Naval officer and serving 4 years Becoming a CPA and getting my masters degree Becoming a partner in a 2 major accounting firms And having the life experience Of living and working in Brazil for 4 years. And at the age of 76 I'm proud to say That I'm still actively working and productive During my retirement Earning enough income with the rentals So that I don't have to dig into my savings Which will allow me to leave more to Vi and the kids.

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16. On the personal side I'm thankful and proud of the fact That I got past those depressing years Of my childhood, teen and early 20s Without too many scars or debilitating effects. I also consider myself lucky To have been married to the same giving and supportive woman With whom I've been with for 48 years now. Also I'm proud of the fact That we've renovated our home and grounds Almost all by ourselves. Likewise, I'm proud to have 2 wonderful children Who safely got through their teen and early 20s years And are now caring and respectful adults. Furthermore, I'm glad That I will most likely be able to leave Both a financial inheritance to my family But equally important, a personal inheritance In the way of My music compositions, poetry, writings and collections Among others And with the hope that they'll be appreciated. 17. So despite the rough start and some rough patches It's a decent life we've built for ourselves And I'm hopeful that it will last Throughout my remaining years For it's always been my belief that "All's well that ends well." ***** 270

An Indelible Stamp 5-27-2020 The indelible stamp we're born with. _____ 1. We are all born with an indelible mark − A stamp − That determines our personality And our disposition. 2. It's an orientation − A weather vane − A compass − Which can either work for Or against you. 3. When I wake up in the morning My stamped disposition tells me That I'm not happy − That I'm not content with life and myself And that to get past that, I have to counter-punch. 4. Although I can mitigate certain things I know full well that the die is cast and my stamp is indelible And there's just no changing that. ***** 271

The Beginning Of Western Scientific Thought 5-27-2020 The amazing ancient Greeks. _____ 1. While all the great civilizations of the past − Those of the Indus Valley, the Egyptian, Maya, Chinese, Persian/Mesopotamian, Roman, Aztec and the Incan − Were all magnificent They can't compare to the Greek civilization Of around 500 BC Which was the cradle of Western Scientific Thought And Democracy. 2. What most likely started in the ancient Greek port city of Miletus And unheard of before Was the novel concept of free and open discussions Among men of any class or calling That took place in open-air agoras. In these agoras Each man could freely voice his own personal beliefs And draw his own personal conclusions About anything. 3. These discussions were open to all men − Free of the influences of: The aristocrats, the priests and the politicians.

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4. In these forums Reason and logic reigned So much so that formerly Unquestioned and engrained myths − Even about the gods − Were examined, discussed and challenged. Being allowed to freely do so They were able to see That many myths just didn't make sense And couldn't possibly be true. For example, the story of Hercules descending into Hades. 5. What this free thought process brought to us Is exemplified by the beliefs of the great thinker, Anaximander Who incredibly understood Even back then in 500 BC: That the Earth floated in the sky; The sky continued beneath the Erath; Rain water came from evaporation on Earth; All substances were made up of simple sub-substances called atoms; That plants and animals evolve And adapt to changes in their environment; And that man must have evolved from other animals! Amazing insight and thinking for back then.

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6. This was the beginning of Scientific Thought And we should be so proud of These amazing forward thinking ancestors of ours. ***** Note: Sadly Miletus was destroyed by the invading Persians and many of its citizens were enslaved. 20 Years later Greece repelled the Persians and the city was rebuilt, repopulated and again became the center of commerce, science and new ideas. *****

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Mountains Out Of Molehills 2-18-2020 On religious differences. _____ 1. It has always amazed me − But shouldn't have − That the mountainous differences among the religions Originated from molehill differences Exacerbated by our sensitivities and small-minded ignorances. How could we have let that happen in the first place And then, in the second place, let it persist? How? By letting our primitive methodologies govern − By letting our animal sense of smell and base instinct Detect and determine who is "one of us" and who is not. Rather than working out a methodology on how to live together We don't go beyond what our base instincts dictate. 2. Some of the molehills That have turned into mountains And that are both unsurpassable and irreconcilable Are as follows: 3. The Jews don't believe that Jesus was the Messiah And are still waiting for His arrival − Only a tiny timing difference From what the Christians believe. 275

4. The Catholics believe that God is composed of 3 entities − The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit Whereas Unitarians believe that God is one entity − A difference of form over substance. 5. The Mormons believe that God Talks directly to the leaders of their Church And those leaders are infallible − Just a matter of the degree of divine representation. 6. The Muslims believe in all the same players That are in the Christian and Jewish Bibles − Moses, the angles, Mary and Jesus − But just don't believe that Jesus was God And rather just a good man and a prophet And that the true prophet of God was Mohammad − A mere difference in title. 7. The Buddhists believe that there is no God-Creator And no Heaven that you earn a place in for eternal happiness But rather that by leading a good life is the way to true happiness − Which is only another difference of form over substance.

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8. You would think we'd be able to see The forest through the trees And make some compromises and concessions For the sake of unity But we can't − Or won't − Always waiting For the other ones to blink first. *****

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Counting Cracks 6-19-2020 A sometimes welcome distraction. _____ 1. How many nights have I laid on top of the sheets Counting the cracks in the ceiling? 2. And how many times have I lost count And had to start over? 3. And how many times I have been glad to have lost count And had to engage in endless recounts That keep me further distracted from my worries? *****

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Only Speculation...Until 8-30-2020 A quantum mechanics theme in physics. _____ 1. Nothing's true or real until it happens. Before and until then It's only speculation or probability. 2. And as assured and probable That speculation may be It is still only speculation And only becomes true and when it is actualized That is When it actually happens. *****

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Aubrey's Play Things And Development (On Aubrey) 10-1-2020 A little more on Aubrey. _____ 1. Aubrey is alert and curious About everything around her − Every thing, every movement and every sound Grabs her attention. Nothing gets past her notice. But more than just noticing things She studies them with a long attention span. She will be a bright and curious girl, I believe. 2. She's able to entertain herself In her playpen, high chair and her bouncer With all the many little toys she has. This portends, I surmise, of a good disposition in life − Well-adjusted, secure and comfortable in her own skin − Which is my sincere hope for her And I feel she has a good start in that direction.

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3. For variety and to complement her little toys I give her little things as well: A plastic bottle, a coaster or an envelope. And with each thing that I give her She gives me a big smile As if it were a special treat or gift − Something new − Something different. 4. Two other things I give her are My Science News and Scientific American magazines. Of course over time She winds up tearing out all the pages Making it a crinkled portfolio of individual pages. Oh how she loves the sound and feel of rustling paper As she picks up one page after the other. 5. Before she puts the pages to her side And goes for the next page − Page by wrinkled page − She pauses and looks at the pictures (Upside down and right side up − it doesn't matter) As if she's actually reading and studying them. I believe this portends of great intelligence Which I hope converts to her success in life. Might she even become a scientist? Being a lover of science Oh how happy and proud I'd be with that.

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6. If she's in her high chair or bouncer All the pages −one by one − wind up on the floor And I'm constantly having to pick them up. But if I give her the magazines in her playpen She puts each page that she's finished with to her side And they thankfully stay in the playpen Relieving me of that constant pick-up exercise. 7. She's also learned the technique Of handing things to me, and to others. And when I and the others accept them from her She gives us a big little smile And lets out a loud little yell of satisfaction and joy. 8. She's also learning how to follow things we show her: Taking things out of a bucket and putting them back again. She also knows how to swing open and close the micro wave door. And when music goes on somewhere she begins to dance. And when I take her on a tour in my arms She reaches out for everything we pass And I let her touch almost everything she reaches for To satisfy her curious mind and for learning purposes. She's also a girl of a million little noises the latest of which Is making the adorable sounds of a hoot owl. And she's also earned another little nickname: "Upside down Girl" because she gets such a lick out of Arching her head all the way back and looking at things upside down. And finally she's experimenting with a number of facial expressions Which are adorable.

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9. Who knows what most makes a baby what he or she is − Genes or upbringing? But I can see by the way her Mom, Leandra, Attends and talks to her In an always-soft and calm loving manner Upbringing is certainly having a visible and beneficial effect. I believe the same can be said for her Dad, Justin. And of course the attention she gets From her Grandma and Grandpa And from her Uncle Kerry and Aunt Bethany As well as from her part time baby sitter, Justin's sister, Amy Also contributes to her personality and security. ~ She's a very lucky baby − And we're lucky too To be blessed with our little angel: Little Aubrey Lee. *****

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No Where To Go 10-11-2020 The end of the line. _____ 1. He wound up in a place Where there was: Nowhere else to go. 2. He came to A cul de sac. A dead end. The edge of a cliff. An unscalable wall. 3. He turned down a road to a place Where there was: Nowhere to go. *****

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Leftovers And Stale Bread 10-27-2020 Not a prima donna when it comes to food. _____ 1. I eat the broken crackers at the bottom of the box. I eat almost-stale bread, which no one else wants. I eat old leftovers just so they don't go bad. Broken yokes on sunny side up eggs don't bother me. I scrape the mold off cheese instead of throwing it away. I drink 2 day old coffee and think of it as espresso. Filler food and stringy stewing beef is OK by me too. And bland and distasteful food is remedied by hot sauce. None of these things are problems for me. 2. When I was growing up We pretty much only had bland food to eat With canned gravy on big potions of mashed potatoes. And if we had vegetables they were always out of a can And very little was served fresh. We also didn't have any salads.

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3. We also never had much, if any, of fruit So I never acquired the taste for any kind of it That everyone else relishes and raves about And who tell me with their eyes rolling with delicious pleasure "Oh, you don't know what you're missing." 4. They are 100% right. I don't know what I'm missing. And what makes matters worse I actually hate the taste of fruit Making it a double tragedy. 5. And when we didn't eat our food I remember my parents telling us to "Eat your food, Think of all those starving children in Europe" For that was the time in the late 40s and early 50s When Europe was virtually destroyed By the ravages of World War II. 6. I also remember after my mother died When I was 17 and Enid was 16 My father telling Enid and I to "Add more starch, add more starch to the gravy to make it thick So the younger ones won't be hungry at night And can get to sleep."

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7. I was not raised on cuisine food − Just plain and basic food. I also learned to eat all of it And not let any of it go to waste. So when it comes to food I'm no prima donna And have no problem with Leftovers, stale bread and 2 day old coffee. *****

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2 Out Of 3 Gone 11-26-2020 Reflections on what was once "the 5 of us." _____ 1. It was always "the 5 of us" That made up our perfectly formed apple − Perfectly round, ripe and firm. 2. But then 2 bites were taken out of it − One, right after the other − When 2 out of 3 of my sisters Were taken away. 3. The apple is no longer round and whole And with 2 big chunks out of it Whose bite craters are turning brown The apple is deformed forever − Misshaped, out of balance and wobbly. 4. Things were perfect before With "the 5 of us" But not anymore ***** 288

Violated, Again 10-31-2020 Traumatized. _____ 1. I put out a big bowl of candy on the front porch For the kids for Halloween. No one came around all day but around 6:30 pm When it turned dark The whole bowl was suddenly gone − stolen. Even though it was only candy I felt violated And that feeling raised up unpleasant memories Of a number of other past incidences. 2. When I was living in Manhattan But away in Alaska Thieves came in through the fire escape And ransacked and robbed my apartment. ~ Our house in Jersey City was robbed When the front door was kicked in and off its frame In broad daylight. ~ Vi was mugged on the subway steps in Manhattan On her way home from work. ~ 289

~ And the front porch of our current home Was vandalized a couple of times. ~ Each time I, and we, felt "violated" Which violation stays with you forever. 3. But these violations are nothing by comparison To a rape, for example Which is so personal and so traumatic That that it stays with the victim for life. And that trauma is more than just a traumatic memory It is a life-changing event in that victim who is: Constantly reliving the rape; Constantly feeling violated; Constantly being afraid and distrustful of everyone; Constantly feeling embarrassment, shame and even guilt about it; As well as a whole host of other effects. 4. While this little candy-stealing incident Raised feelings of being violated I can't imagine the depth of feelings That a rape victim must feel And has to deal with Day and night For life. *****

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A Horrible Century 11-12-2020 It was a horrible century, but aren't they all? _____ 1. I was born in the middle of the 20th century In the middle of World War II Which took the lives of 70 million people And mass-destroyed entire cities in a scale unseen before. It was a horrible century. 2. It was a horrible century That saw another world war, World War I And the Spanish Flu pandemic That claimed another 70 million lives. 3. It also saw the Great US Depression of the 1930s Triggered by the Stock Market Crash of 1929 That then caused a global economic collapse. It also saw a number of other financial cuisses Including the severe recession of 2008. 4. Following World War II This century saw a series of other wars in Korea, Vietnam and the Gulf Among many other lesser wars. 291

5. This century also foisted upon us The megalomaniac despots of: Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, among others. 6. It also gave us the genocides of The Armenians of Eurasia, The Hutus in Africa And the Jews in Europe To name a few. 7. There is much that I have left out But you get the picture. All things rolled up together Makes an irrefutable argument For how mob-primitive and tribal we still are − As primitive as A marauding army of mindless soldier ants. 8. While so much progress has been made And good things have come about such as: The eradication of many diseases The general rise of the standards of living Greater education of the populous More representative forms of government And the advancements of knowledge and in technology It's sad that we still have these base negatives That brand us as uncivilized.

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9. But having said that And upon giving it further thought There have been other centuries That have been equally bad As they had to suffer through such things as The Dark Ages That Black Plague The marauding scourges of The Vikings, Huns and Mongols And abject poverty and oppression Of most of the peoples of the world Which puts our past century Neatly in series with the others. 10. So with this consistent track record And ever more destructive weapons at our disposal Things don't look good for the future And our survival. *****

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Not For Sissies (On Eric And My Father) 11-26-2020 What my father used to say about aging. _____ 1. I was talking to my brother the other day About some of the medical issues we each had And are still facing Which occur more frequently And that often get progressively more serious As we age. 2. During our conversation My brother reminded me Of what my father used to say, ~ "Getting old is not for sissies." ~ How true, how true For thinking about all the aches, pains and ailments We have had and are yet to come "Getting old Is Not For sissies." ***** 294

Despite The Odds (On Vi) 9-2-2020 Some thoughts about Vi. _____ 1. This is the girl who loved And did everything for me Despite my deserving it. 2. This is the woman who grabbed onto The string of my drifting balloon And held on Despite my attempts to escape. 3. This is the girl who shaped an unformed soul Into something more Despite my resistance. 4. This is the woman who turned a shallow root Into a deeper one Despite the odds against it. ***** 295

The Eyes 5-31-2020 Tunnels to the soul. _____ 1. The eyes reflect all our emotions And all the intentions and dispositions of our mind. They are windows to our souls. 2. If one is a good reader Of both body language and the eyes There can be no secrets. *****

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More On Aubrey Lee 7-21-2020 Another Aubrey-watching poem. _____ 1. Crawling and climbing. "Talking" to herself and us In her own language And giving that Bronx Cheer That she just learned by experimentation. 2. Going after my laptop and iPhone constantly And for the TV remote. She loves everything electronic. 3. Loving both her piggy and her froggy toys. 4. Beginning to hold her bottle and her cup of water On her own. 5. She reacts and follows every noise and action And reaches out trying to touch everything.

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6. She listens to our conversations As if she really understands. And she intently watches Everything we do around the kitchen − Studying and "supervising" all our activities − Oh what an attention span she has Which portends of a smart little girl. 7. Oh and how she loves her walker And drives it all over the kitchen and the back porch. She loves her jumper too, so much so That she almost flies out of it when she jumps. 8. She gets around on her hands and knees But is now beginning to stand up on her own − Walking, is close at hand. 9. She's a joy to watch − Such a wonderful and beautiful little baby That we all love to death. Love, Grandpa *****

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The Conflicted Scientist-Inventor 9-2-2020 Nothing is black or white, but both. _____ 1. What conflicted scientists the world makes us into Inventing or discovering things for good or neutral purposes But that conflictingly can also be used for bad purposes. Nuclear energy is a perfect example. 2. Normally, nothing is harmless or harmful In and of itself Rather motives or mistakes are the determining factors. 3. Defense sometimes trumps Offense And Offense sometimes trumps Defense. Flip-flops like these are endless With the last coin toss Being the determinant.

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4. The crux of good or bad Is in its motive and use − Inadvertent or purposeful − But even then it's not so cut and dry For the scientist-inventor Who winds up almost always conflicted About what he has discovered or invented. *****

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A Waiting Game 1-20-2020 A conflicted waiting game. _____ 1. Will it be Leandra's pet rabbit, "Snickers" (And now my new roommate) Or me who will die first − "Snickers" or "Me"? That is the question. 2. When will his forced imprisonment And my empathetic guilt, end? When will these two things resolve themselves? And which will come first? 3. And what about humanely putting the poor thing down? Yes, that would end both our miseries, but that's ridden with guilt. Or what about giving it away? Yes, too, but that might only result in a similar Or worse situation for the poor little thing. 4. I'm painfully conflicted thinking this way All caused by the dilemmas that life often imposes. So we just have to play the waiting game − "Snickers" or "Me"? Who first? ***** 301

A Little Hurt At Christmas (On Leandra) 1-1-2020 Perceptions that hurt. _____ 1. On Christmas Day I didn't get a gift from my daughter − Not even a token gift Or even a card. "What did that say?" I asked myself. 2. And after the gifts were exchanged We engaged in a little family storytelling And Leandra brought up the story About my making her take violin and piano lessons And spoke about it in a kind of bitter way − In a tone of resentment toward me − It seemed? At her age now With a child of her own I would have thought that she would have recognized That that was normal a parent to do for their children With the best of parental intensions. Instead I seemed to have been indicted in a way? 302

3. I was a little hurt by it − On this Christmas Day − A family day. 4. How far and deep did this go? And I began to wonder If all of the best-intentioned things I did for her Might be viewed that way as well And even resented? 5. It was not a good day − Not a good day at all And made me question and worry About how many other things might be out there "On my record." 6. But on the other hand It might just be more to do my oversensitivity That I'm feeling that way about it Which sometimes is the case − And I hope it is. *****

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Mathematically 8-31-2020 Miscellaneous and disjointed takeaway phrases from by the book, Middlegame. _____ ~ Some languages don't have the word (s) you need and want So you have to look to another language for them. But if that doesn't work You are at a frustrating loss to communicate What you want to say. ~ She was more interested in decimals than dolls. She was very different − Strangely different − Which is the most euphemistic way I can say it. ~ Mathematically, They were always meant for each other. They even had the same birthday. They were two sides of the same equation. ~ He was an ostrich-looking man − Tall and spiny With craggy limbs that were too long for his body. ***** 304

My Musical Savior (On Katarina) 2-17-2020 She gives my music: life. _____ 1. I can write music better than I can play. So unfortunately whatever I write I depend on Katarina to play and record it for me. Without her, the music I write is mute − Just silent black notes on a piece of paper − Dead and soundless. 2. Without Katarina, My music is in a coma. But because of her It comes out of it − Like a Lazarus − Rising from the dead. 3. Katarina gives my music life And am so thankful for her. What would I do without her? ***** 305

Hope For The Best 1-5-2020 Worrying about what might follow. _____ 1. While she continued to yell at him He just closed his ears And walked away. He just didn't want to − And couldn't − Listen to any more of it. 2. It was a dangerous thing to do For she was vicious and unpredictable. If she didn't do anything then She would do something later for her revenge. 3. But he just couldn't take it anymore. And just had to take that chance And hope for the best. *****

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