Poems of Neil Michelsen Volume Sixteen - An Anthology Part Two

f An Anthology of Poems of Neil Michelsen

Written between 1960 to 2014

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f Dedication To my family

2015

Neil Michelsen

1960

2013

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f Preface I began writing at home in Brooklyn in 1960 when I just turned 17.

That was the year my mother died at age 44 with my first poem being about her death. I continued writing through and including my years in the navy and after my discharge.

Then there was an approximate 25 year gap in my writing between the early 1970s and late 1990s when I was focused on my career and bachelor years living in New York City and Rio de Janeiro, travelling, getting married and starting a family and then working 7 ½ years renovating our 1894 home in Connecticut.

I started out writing traditional style poetry but then gravitated to blank verse. Many of my poems may be thought of as poetic chronicles or essays as they record my personal observations, feelings and experiences.

Some poems represent emotional lows that were written for emotional release and may even take the form of private confessions. Many are heavy, personal and serious which reflect the somewhat introspective side of my nature and personality. A number reflect some of the events of my younger, delinquent and wilder days before I settled down.

Between 1960 and 2014 I’ve written approximately 1,500 poems which have been compiled into 14 volumes: 8 volumes of general poems and 6 volumes of poems that relate to my family. Volume 8 is supplemented with poems that relate to the 911 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center in New York City on 9-11-2001. A 15th volume

contains a master index of all the poems and a 16th volume, this volume, comprises an anthology of selected poems.

While some are included in this anthology, many poems that relate to a number of more sensitive, personal and introspective matters have not been included but are contained in the original 14 volumes.

I apologize if any offense is taken with anything I’ve written as that was not my intent. Also, since these poems were not professionally edited, I apologize for any deficiencies in poetic form and for any grammatical, typographical or spelling errors.

It is my hope that the poems I’ve written, along with my other personal works (i.e. my journals, books and other writings; music compositions; family movies and photo albums; paintings; and various collections and memorabilia) will serve as my legacy and mark in life as well as a personal inheritance to my family.

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From Volume 1 of General Poems Will The Stars All Fall Down On Me? A Chair Still Empty I Gave Away My Camelot Tonight I’ll Have To Tell Him Welcome Home A Moon At 3 am Taking Turns An Intersection Halfway Around The World Someday He’d Show Them All All These Things I Dreamed Thank God For The Red Cape A Little Star At Night They Still Stare To A Dead Warrior That Last Good-Bye Look And Touch To A Winter Weed Afraid Of The Dark It’s Better Just To Be Invisible Doing What Children Do And What Did He Know About Princesses?

Hearing Silent Things As Beautiful As Your Eyes Held The Moon (To Bich-Thuy) A Seducing Dusk Looking Up − Why Did My Mother Have To Die On Me? I Was Never Of This World Things He Thought Were Dead

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28. How Many Summers Do I Have Left?

29. Going Out The Same Way I Came In 30. On Night And The Whispered Words Of Love (To Helen) 31. A Heavy Winter Sea (To Helen) 32. I Remember All These Things And More (On Bich-Thuy) 33. Your Hand Now Holding Mine 34. Oh Mother Dear, Why Did You Leave Us? 35. Marooned At The Top 36. Have I Come Home Too Late?

37. Friends And Enemies 38. The Artist Is A Child 39. The Empty Workshop 40. The Loss (To Sharon) 41. Fact And Emotion (To Bich-Thuy) 42. All These Things I Tell Myself (Remembering Bich-Thuy) 43. The Multiplication of Life And Death 44. Each Progression Has A Cost (To Sharon) 45. My Tempest 46. Horrid Dreams 47. In A Park, Watching And Listening 48. Expecting Winter 49. The Barren Trees Obey 50. A Cold Wet Sunday Morn 51. A Lost Love 52. Age Verses Innocence 53. Nothing Else In Store (On Sharon?)

54. To Repay What Was Loaned 55. Are We Better Or Worse Off? 56. The End Of Flesh 57. On Solitude 58. To A Lovely Day 59. Ode To An Orange Vesper View 60. A February Moon 61. The Noble Efforts Of The Moon 62. A Silent Reprimand (To Jane) 63. Competing Forces 64. At Sea 65. Overlooking Honolulu From Tripler (To Bich-Thuy) 66. At Sea Today – Tonight

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I Cannot Sleep Because Of Her (To Bich-Thuy) Nearing To The End Of Night Never To See Her Again? (To Bich-Thuy) A Cold Rainy Windy Night My Gift To You Tonight (On Bich-Thuy In Hawaii) Headlights On The Snow Thanks But I Can See My Own Way Out They Shall Become Our Masters We Must Kill To Live!

It Was Then That I Knew Nature Only Needs You For A Little While Or Better Yet...

A Blank Page And The Open Sea Prisoners Of The Soil And Beggars For The Sun Trees Starch Up Your Tents It’s Not Easy But I’m Trying The Dump Ready Or Not Leaky Bottom That Slight Hesitation That Skinny Wall-Flower Tree A Conversation At A Gravesite Life And Death − Please Stop Your Fighting The Memory Of A Cold Winter’s Night Not So Distant Lay A Fear From Volume 2 of General Poems Cursed Souls Crying Let Me Rest In Peace If Only You And I Moonlight On A Field Of Snow Fog Night We Might Have Gone To Heaven (To Sharon) The Haunted House Only Thinking Makes It So The Beauty Of A Fallen Snow (To Al Capone) I Know The Truth But My Heart Won’t Listen (To Sharon) I Look To This Maiden Fair (To Judy) The Very Mention Of Her Name (On Sharon?)

Oversensitivity

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I Dream I’m On An Ancient Ship Only In The Mind Of Man Contemplation On A Recent Death To An Old Woman The Beginning Of Eternity The Morn The Gas Closed In The Crooked Fingers Of A Winter Tree Still A Faint Contentment Beats Vanishing At Dusk An Easy Take And Killing Dawn Breaks Away From Night The Words Of A Dying Man From Her Loss (On Sharon) All Was Gone − Except The Dark And Scary Night The Little Light We Carved Out Of The Night Sorrow Is My Vision (To Sharon) Spring Surprise An Early Falling Leaf Dragging A Good Day Down It Was Always Stalking Me Finding Land Thank You But I’ll Just Wait The Right Decision After All He Stopped Taking His Medicine The Ocean And The Night The Compassion Of The Moon I Know Not Where You Are (To Gwen) Reincarnation Never Alone A Demon’s Eyes?

A Misty Snow I Saw The Value Of Your Love! (To Gwen) Conspiracy!

On Time And Faults Engrained Free To Love (To Helen) Return To New York City On Man And Nature Past Wounds Have Done Their Damage Here As Sorrow Has Decreed The Girl Who Just Disappeared (To Barbara) Only As A Lover Should (To Helen)

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Wind, Tell Me Of A Coming Love Fog Night I In Turn Will Shatter Hers (On Gwen And Carol) I See My Side Is Empty (To Gwen) When She Began To Play Impressions Of Winter And Helen (To Helen) And It All Began From There (To Barbara Jane – BJ”) Thoughts On Watch At Sea I Showed You The Stars (To Bich-Thuy) Thoughts At Sea During The Mid-Watch She Has Sprung On Me Like A Cat (On “BJ”) Please Forgive My Haste (To Bich-Thuy) Bending Slowly Thoughts At Sea Made Me Sad Frost Ring I Stopped My Mind On You (To Bich-Thuy) The Full Weight Of Night We Used To Fly Like The Stars (On Bich-Thuy) A City Fog When Others Were With Their Friends I’m All Too Serious This Yellow Sky At Dusk China Dawn (On Pei Pei Lin) When Thuy Was Next To Me (On Bich-Thuy) The Fingers Of The Trees – The Corals Of The Sea The Rope Walker Bangkok At Dawn He’s Hit Edge Walker Trees In Spring Not Missing Anyone A Name Embedded In My Heart (On Sharon?)

A Mural Sunset Who I’m Not My Bookends Don’t You Ever Say That I Don’t Love You His Little Plastic Pill Container Wishing You Were Here So What’s The Point?

Instant Spring Don’t Be Too Nice To Me I Can Wait

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Boxer, Gladiator Two Open Questions The Straddlers Mother Earth The Cabo Frio Light I Still Don’t Know The Ending Memory, You’re Up To Your Old Tricks Again I’m Going In From Volume 3 of General Poems Just By Our Association Just Before I Go To Sleep I Think About My Life Fluff Up My Pillow Oh Wine, You Are My Best Friend To Her − To Him We Are Of Little Consequence A Song That Everybody Sings Questions, Questions Keep Your Jewels Graffiti Wars Trying To Find The Words Safely In Their Graves My Gentlemen’s Club Have I Found My Peace Of Mind?

Retirement Taking It To His Afterlife One Sour Word Life Was Imposed On Us Just Right Around The Corner The Death Of Summer Getting His Own Private Room A Zero Sum Game?

Neon Sunrise Something, Nothing Or Neither?

It All Depends Upon Your Point Of View Here I Am But Here I’m Not With The Reward Of Heaven Comes The Risk Of Hell You Could Have Gone On By It Was The Only Thing That Needed Him Ghosts In This Old House?

I’m A Dead And Dried Up Leaf

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I Am A Miner And A Fisherman Has He Ever? As Much As I? The Best Of Starts − The Worst Of Ends Worry, Worry No Time To Lose Thank God For Worries 12 Feet Marks The Entire Range Of Our Existence Slowly Driving Past Your House What Took You So Long?

Then Please Don’t Bury Me At All Will You Go Out With Me Tonight?

In Many Ways I Envy Him When The Snow Came I Found Myself Alone Painting By The Numbers Ballrooms, Palaces And Cinderella Loves Where The Snow Would Never Melt On Me I Said I Would − I Said I Wouldn’t Staring Out My Window − Just Like Before?

My Death Will Be An Inside Job Oh Life, You Are Without Pity Or Emotion My Heart Can’t Heal Itself I Live For New Beginnings Children And Old Men Having My Cake And Eating It Too Quiet Morn Respite And Recovery The Magic Show Rifle Shots In Winter Collision At Sea Help Is On The Way Don’t Mourn For Me

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From Volume 4 of General Poems The Smell Of Pain In The Air Gossiping He Called Me His Little Mountain Flower Taking The Long Way Home Beating The Apocalypse They Say A Lot Of Things The Past Drags Along Behind Me My Image Of Retirement (On My Uncle Arthur) The Howling Wind

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He Made Himself A Drink To Take Upstairs Would It Be Enough?

The Death Of A Little Bug Kindness Or Just A Cruel Trick?

Will He Run Out Of Time Or Ink? What’s Said Is Said They Learn Too Soon Unraveling The String Of Life The Sable Hours The Ocean Of The Mind The Allegory Of A Bird Tender Fingers (To Gwen) The Dream (To Gwen) Vulture Food Always To The Future My Imaginary Fleet On A Rainy February Morn Heavy Undercurrents Of Mood Give Release To Me On Man’s Position On Experience Melancholy And Depression A Dance Of Wind And Rain Someday My Death?

I Lie Amidst The Silence Of My Room Buyer Beware Just Before Dawn When You’re A Worry-Wart My Heart Is Sore (To Carol Lee Johnson) Carol, What Holds Your Letter?

(To Carol Lee Johnson) The Night Drapes Around Me A Cinderella New York City Bar Girl Too Much Of A Dream The Subways She’s Been The Saddest Heartbreak Of My Life (On Thuy) In The Deep Of A Bar In Thailand Moonlight By The Bed The Lure Of Melancholy How Naïve Keep Up Your Vigilance

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From Volume 5 of General Poems Just You And Me Old Spider The Stone In His Pocket To Be The Kindest (Remembering Bich-Thuy) The Waiting Room Mayflies Waiting To Be Led His Cross-Eyed Obsession A Little Companion Star Looking For A Motto I Refuse To Go To Heaven Without The Animals A Face Deformed A Second Chance Where My Failings Don’t Count So Much The First Note Of The Music My Imaginary Audience My Paintings Are Kind Of Shy Only Scales Apart Learning To Fly I Bring My Prey Back Home They’ll Never Find My Tank On Empty Just To Have Decided Please Keep Me Off This Ledge This Will Be My Future Looking In Reality And Fantasy That Tiny Other World But Here I Am The Undisputed King All The Heaven That I Know We Sit Next To Death The Whole Train Ride Somewhere In Between If I Didn’t Have My Pains Don Quixote I Only Fix The Walls Hang On To The Hanger-On No One Knows Waiting For The Final “Next” Beggars Can’t Be Choosey Writing Letters In The Dark Why Do We Audience The Messenger So Much?

The Waitress Who I Never Got To Know

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That Little Pencil On My Ear Living On The Edge Of Life Keep Looking For The Light My Ladies Of The Night Roman Candle I Overlook The Harbor The Fence A Little Hole In The Sky Reaching For The Fountain Of Youth

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From Volume 6 of General Poems I Just Can’t Leave It Alone My Grief Has Twenty Shadows Embarrassment Visual Democracy A Soft Retreat She Cried When She Saw It (To Bich-Thuy) Life Is Measured In Heartbeats Sunshine In Your Blue Eyes (To Sharon) When Substance Is Gone High Above Manhattan True Love Gives Strength (To Gwen) Away From Gwen (To Carol Lee Johnson) I Reminisce A Black Night Fog She Had Died Sometime Before Dreaming As The Day Is Paling An Incident In Tokyo My Chariot Away Searching For A Motto Look Through The Blades Of The Spinning Fan Running From Her Memory (On Bich-Thuy) No One Was Listening A Message On A Subway Wall To Open All The Flowers A Good Sleep And A Fresh White Shirt Have I Missed Something?

Still Playing Hide And Seek Oh Life, I Gave You All I Had − But Did I? I Really Used To Be Somebody Going Out On A Low Note Again?

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I Need To Stay Away From Heights What Was It That Was So Important?

I Saw The World When I Was Bulletproof The Lady Bug Onions And Sour Pickles Just By Association (On Tom Carroll And I)

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From Volume 7 of General Poems Bushido Old Memories Inside Out Everything Has A Mind And Thinks Finding God This World Is Ours And Theirs Dusk Defeats Stone Truth When Love Is True (To Gwen) Steamy Rendezvous (To Pamela) A Meaning I Miss You Darling Girl (To Gwen) Looking At My Hands And Thinking Of The Piano Full Of Unanswered Letters I Love Her When I’m Lonely (On Gwen) To Kill A Man Not Wanting To Awaken Her (On Stella) A Bar Fight In Denver Don’t Try To Follow Me Oh What They Are Missing My Music Atrium Thunder In The Well God Preserves All Our Tears No You Didn’t Turn Out Alright I’m Dying To Die Oh What The Years Had Taken I Give Up, Then Rally My Lists Are A Constant Nag Missing Home But Not

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From Volume 8 of General Poems 424. Brethren Animals In The Herd 425. To Light The Dark 426. Let Me Love You (Maybe To Sharon)

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Clouds From Nowhere A Song With Wings A Subtle Fear Settled In I Took A Chance The Pain Would Pass They Can’t Do You Any Harm Things Take Their Toll Curses Breed They Tell Me Scary Stories In My Sleep Over All My Drinks I Am A Cloth Not Fully Wrung Out Yet At No Extra Charge Days On The Farm And Nights In Town Miracles Are All About Always Standing On Lines

From the Volume: Michelsen Family – of Brooklyn 441. Mom’s In A Cold, Cold Grave 442. My Grandfather’s Death 443. My Father’s Aging 444. Mother’s Day 445. I Didn’t Hug Him So Convincingly 446. I Heard Him Crying Down The Hall 447. Standing In Their Empty Room 448. My Father’s Sweater 449. He Also Said Goodbye 450. Transported To The Past 451. Changing History 452. All Out Of Sequence 453. “Can You Get It?” 454. My Father’s Old New Shoes 455. “Eat The Chocolate” 456. A Thousand Soldiers Must Die

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From the Volume: Michelsen Family – of Connecticut Come To My Bedside As Rich As I For Which Should I Prepare Myself?

Be Careful What You Ask For

From the Volume: for Kerry and Leandra Michelsen 461. Always Planting For A Future Harvest 462. A Perfect Ending

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463. In Their Brown And Gold Picture Frames 464. Taking Down The Swings

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From the Volume: for Violeta Michelsen It Seems I’ve Loved You All My Life I Want To See You Cry I Kiss Her Goodnight Anyway Every Flower Will Hold Her Face

*****

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Poems of Neil Michelsen

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y Getting His Own Private Room 11-14-2014 Gaming the system. _____ 1.

He committed infraction after infraction And with each infraction He’d be sentenced to solitary confinement.

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The prison officials couldn’t figure out Why he never learned Or how he could endure Such repeated punishments.

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And the prisoners were also confused For while they admired him For his defiance and his strength They too couldn’t figure out why He was such a glutton for punishment.

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He was happy that no one could figure him out For that’s what he was banking on.

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He was a very educated and sensitive man And couldn’t bear to be associated with The loud, brutal and uneducated prison population As he had nothing in common with them.

He felt he was a refined gentleman Forced to live with Neanderthals.

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So solitary confinement was his escape Where he’d have his own private room − A room where he could read and write In peace and quiet And regain some semblance Of his dignity and humanity.

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He had fooled his jailers By making them feel that they were punishing him While all the while they were actually doing his bidding.

He had also fooled his fellow prisoners By making them feel that he was one of them While actually despising them.

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It was a clever game he was playing And only hoped That no one would catch on For if they did He’d get it from both sides. *****

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y A Zero Sum Game?

9-13-2002 Is life so well balanced? _____ 1.

Is it true That what is someone’s gain Is someone else’s loss?

That when something good happens Something bad happens in response?

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Will the sum of all that’s good And all that’s evil Always sum to zero?

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Is that the way it is?

Where everything must balance?

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Is that the way it works?

This universe of ours?

Where the score is always tied?

Where there is no progress or advance?

Where everything’s a trade-off?

Where every advantage Creates an off-setting disadvantage?

Where for every advance There’s a corresponding set-back?

Where for every action There’s an equal and opposite reaction?

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Is that the way the world works?

Where good will never triumph over evil But rather will remain forever In a standoff?

Is that the way it is?

Where everything Must always sum to zero? *****

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y Neon Sunrise 10-10-2002 Appreciating the quiet morning. _____ 1.

It’s early in the morning And still black as night outside.

No one else is up And the house is dark and quiet.

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I turn on the lights And it’s a neon sunrise In the kitchen.

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Coffee’s on − Ah, the smell of hazelnut.

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It feels so good − That coffee going down Hot and reassuring.

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Mind and body rested − It’s Saturday And there’s no commute today.

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It’s still early But His Majesty, the Sun Is slowly getting out of bed − And Sunrise is on its way.

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It’s good to be alive In the early moments Of this new-born day. *****

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y Something, Nothing Or Neither?

11-4-2002 An intellectual and philosophical question and debate.

(Inspired by the scientific and mathematical book, The “Book of Nothing” which explored the concept of non-entities.) _____ 1.

Is the digit 0 a Something or is it a Nothing?

When you add +1 and −1 they add to 0 − So does that mean they add to Nothing?

Or does that digit 0 still retain the components Of +1 and −1?

And by extension Might it also contain a +2, and a −2 as well For they also add to 0?

So if 0 contains An infinite range of offsetting components Is it therefore actually a Something Rather than a Nothing?

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Also, can Nothing be a 0 Something?

And Something be a Negative 1?

Is Anti-matter really Matter that is Negative?

Or isn’t it Matter at all and therefore Nothing?

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And where does Something come from?

Can it come from Nothing?

Can a Something ever be created out of Nothing?

Or must it only come from Something?

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Or perhaps, is Something just some kind of Nothing?

And Nothing a kind of Something?

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And further, does Nothing, and/or Something Ever bear seeds and replicate themselves?

Can they divide and multiply?

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I could go on and on And never come to any satisfactory answer.

But that’s alright For an intellectual debate Is often more about the debate Than getting to an answer.

And just as a race Can be less about getting to the finish line And more about the run itself An intellectual debate Is worthy of its own pursuit. *****

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y It All Depends Upon Your Point Of View 11-5-2002 Laws often depend on circumstances and scale. _____ 1.

In a geometric world That is a plane And where the road is flat We have Bob chasing Joan With Joan in the front and Bob in the back.

But in a geometric world That is a sphere And where the road is curved and ultimately forms a circle.

Is Bob still chasing Joan?

Or is Joan now chasing Bob?!

Which one’s in front and which one’s in back?

Or is it neither one?

Or either one?

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On a sphere You cannot rightly tell who’s chasing who As it could be either one chasing the other Or neither chasing anyone!

It’s a strange situation on a sphere Where either one might be running towards And at the same time Running away from the other.

It all depends upon the circumstances And your point of view.

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Similarly The angles of a triangle on a flat surface All add to 1800.

But on a spherical surface, like a globe The angles add to more than 1800.

Both answers are correct As it all depends upon the shape Of the platform you are working on.

It all depends upon the circumstances.

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Likewise The laws of physics function one way in the macro world But in a different way in the micro world − Which is the world at the sub-atomic level.

In these situations Different scales have different laws.

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In all these examples Different laws apply Depending on the circumstances.

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And with respect To what is true and what is false Can something somewhere be true And somewhere else be false?

Do similar dualities apply In the conceptual world As they do in the physical world?

The answer’s probably, “Yes.” As it will all depend upon the circumstances And your point of view.

So it seems that everything is relative – Even reality itself. *****

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Here I Am But Here I’m Not 11-16-2002 Being somewhere else mentally. _____ 1.

Even though I’m in a crowd I’m also very much alone.

Even though I’m listening I’m often not.

While I’m here at home In my mind I’m often on the road.

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Wherever I am I’m always somewhere else as well: In my books, my music and my poetry; In my thoughts, dreams and worries; And of course, in my moods.

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When I’m home relaxing I’m really not For I’m always working on something And always somewhere else.

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4.

While I’m in control of my life I’m really not.

5.

Here I am But here I’m not. *****

488

y With The Reward Of Heaven Comes The Risk Of Hell 11-22-2002 With reward comes risk. _____ 1.

Based on all that I’ve observed and deduced We are little more Than a humble part of Nature’s process.

Just as we were processed into Life When we were born − We’ll be processed out When we die − Nothing more complex or noble than that.

2.

Just as flowers wilt And tumble to the ground And slowly disintegrate So will we − Equally nondescript and uneventfully.

3.

While it’s flattering to think that our deaths Initiate spiritual transitions to an after-life From what I’ve seen We just live, die and decay − Feeding whatever life survives us And keeping nothing of ourselves.

489

4.

While the famed rewards of Heaven Are appealing To our noble sense of self and who we think we are And the punishment of Hell Are satisfying To our sense of justice and accountability From all the natural evidence that I have seen I’m not sure that either one exists.

5.

Having said that though I always worry that I could be wrong And that Heaven and Hell May be full realities That I’ll have to face some day.

6.

With the possibility of Heaven Always comes The risk of Hell. *****

490

y You Could Have Gone On By 2-3-2003 A broken heart that could have been avoided. _____ 1.

You could have gone on by But no, instead You saw something in my eyes That made you stop − Was it vulnerability?

2.

You could have gone on by But no, instead You chose to stop And chat me up.

3.

You could have gone on by But no, instead You chose to stick around And get inside my head Just because you could.

491

4.

You could have gone on by And left things as they were − The way you found them − But no, instead You decided otherwise.

5.

You could have gone on by But no, instead You had to stop and make a game of me.

You had to see if you could trophy me Just to satisfy your ego and your curiosity.

6.

You could have gone on by And just left things well enough alone.

But no, instead You chose to stop and take the time To break my heart. *****

492

y It Was The Only Thing That Needed Him (Las Vegas) 4-20-2003 We attach ourselves to different things through sublimation. _____ 1.

He planted a seed in a little coffee can Half-filled with dirt.

Then he put a little rock in it To weigh it down against the wind.

Then he put it out on the fire-escape So it could bathe in the sun and rain.

2.

He watched his little flower grow Each and every day.

He worried over it As a father worries for his child.

3.

Each day he couldn’t wait to get home To see it.

To touch it.

To feed it.

To talk to it.

To love it.

493

4.

That little flower on his fire escape Was the only living thing he had in life − And the only thing That ever needed him. *****

494

y Ghosts In This Old House?

12-29-2003 I sometimes hear strange sounds. _____ 1.

It happens now and again When this old 1894 house of ours is empty And I’m home alone and reading In the quiet of the night.

2.

I hear a thud Like someone dropping something?

Then I hear something moving across the floor Like someone walking?

Sometimes it’s loud And sometimes it’s soft − But it’s always scary.

495

3.

Sometimes I take out a kitchen knife – Just in case − And search the house: The basement first The 1st floor next Then the 2nd Then the 3rd And finally the attic.

Nothing there − Nothing that I could see.

4.

I resume my reading.

But then I hear more noises Footsteps?

Like someone walking up the stairs?

My heart begins to race.

Then the noises stop.

5.

Then I hear some other noises − Noises that sound like hangers Scraping along The metal clothes rack in the closet?

Is someone who is dead Still living in the house?

Perhaps a previous owner?

496

6.

For the first time I open myself to the possibility That there just may be such things as ghosts − Something I would never let myself believe before.

I used to scoff at anyone Who said that they believed in ghosts − But I don’t anymore.

7.

Is some one Or some thing Living here with me?

8.

I’ve never had this kind of eerie feeling − This kind of awareness of a presence − Until now.

I’ve never had this kind of fear before Until now.

9.

On the many occasions That my family was out I was confident That I was home alone.

But now I’m not so sure. *****

497

y

I’m A Dead And Dried Up Leaf 1-15-2004 On old man’s wish before he dies. ______ 1.

I’m an old man now − Just a dead and dried up leaf Being blown around aimlessly No longer attached to anything And feeling like some cast-away − Alone and lonely Just looking for a little corner to nestle in To stop my random motion − Just trying to get out of the wind − Just looking for some refuge In my final years.

2.

All I want to do Is to stop this constant motion And find a place where I can rest a bit And think about my new and dried up fate And reconcile myself to it.

498

3.

In these my brown and scratchy Autumn years All I want to do Is to secure myself some peace and quiet And a little more purpose out of life Before Winter comes. *****

499

y I Am A Miner And A Fisherman 3-18-2004 I mine words of wisdom and beautiful phrases. _____ 1.

I am a miner And pan the river banks Taking only the golden flecks of ore That catch my eye. ~ I am a fisherman And fish the waters Catching only what I need.

2.

And when I read I look for little things − Like tiny little phrases of beauty, truth and wisdom That are buried within the text, That are beautifully constructed, That are eloquent when spoken, That touch my heart and inspire me, And that make me ponder, with the import of a proverb.

That’s the kind of gold I’m mining for And the fish I’m fishing for.

500

3.

I look for anything of value In or out of context And can spot them in an instant.

And when I do I pluck them out for my collection.

4.

I know I’ll never mine or catch them all But I’ll collect enough I hope To satisfy my intellectual interest And my sentimental and philosophical appetite.

5.

Yes, I might be criticized about what I get − “Not big enough!”

“Not quality enough!”

But for me it is enough − Enough To make a decent living for myself And hopefully Enough To provide a rich inheritance For those I leave them to. *****

501

y Has He Ever? As Much As I? 7-3-2004 Pining over a love he lost to someone else. _____ 1.

Has he ever written about you?

Has he ever written about you like I have?

Like I have?

I don’t think so − he couldn’t have − not like I have.

2.

Has he ever stayed awake at night Seeing your face in the darkness of his room?

For as many nights as I have?

I don’t think so – not for as many as I have.

3.

Has he ever really looked inside your heart And almost died for love of you?

I don’t think so − he couldn’t have − not as much as I have.

4.

Has he ever looked into your eyes And cried for the distance that he found?

Has he?

I don’t think so − not as often as I have.

502

5.

Has he ever prayed that he could reach you?

Prayed like I have?

I don’t think so – not as much as I have.

6.

Has he ever gotten close enough to you To let his heart be broken?

Has he ever? Like I have?

I don’t think so − not like I have.

7.

Has he ever loved you half as much as I have?

I don’t think so − he couldn’t have loved you that much − And not half as much as I. *****

503

y

The Best Of Starts − The Worst Of Ends 9-7-2004 Life is full of unfortunate turnarounds. _____ 1.

A preacher who has tired of his message.

A mother who no longer loves her children.

A believer who is now filled with doubt.

A lover who has lost his youth and drive.

And a dreamer who has lost his dream.

2.

A traveler who confines himself to home.

A moral man who’s given in to sin.

A visionary who now can’t see beyond today.

And a hopeful man who’s sunken in despair.

3.

The best of starts − A tragic turn − And the worst of ends.

4.

Sad and tragic endings To such promising beginnings. *****

504

y Worry, Worry 1-21-2005 I’m a worry-wart pessimist which earns me no rest. _____ 1.

Worry, worry − It’s the tightly woven fabric of my life.

2.

I worry for my children And worry for my wife.

3.

I worry for my job And I worry for my money.

4.

I worry about every decision I make And how it might turn out.

5.

I worry about the past, the present and the future.

I’m always in a secret war with worry.

6.

Worry, worry − I can’t ever lay my head down without a worry.

Even my pillow’s made of worry.

505

7.

Worry, worry − I’m a tamed pack animal with worry on its back.

Worry sees me coming and worry sees me going.

And as I pass it It loads some more worry on my back.

8.

Worry, worry − I worry that I worry And even worry when I don’t.

It seems I’ll always wear This heavy coat of worry. *****

506

y No Time To Lose (On Life’s New-Found Wonders) 3-5-2005 Now that I am older I appreciate things more. ______ 1.

Now that I am older I realize more than I ever could before Just how many wonders there are in life − And that they’re everywhere: 2.

The way that shadows move across a field of snow; How stained-glass windows magnify the light; How a breath of wind moves each blade of grass differently; How clouds reshape themselves endlessly; How a small vine grows with a mind of its own; And how a little bug crawls up a wall.

3.

Everything is simple But at the same time complex and intricate.

Everything that happens Is just a day-to-day event But at the same time A miracle.

507

4.

Although I’d seen all these things before I’d never seen them Quite like I’m seeing them now – Now that I am older.

5.

Before I was all too young and inexperienced To fully appreciate much of anything But now that I am older I see things very differently − For the wonders that they really are.

6.

This time in my life Is the richest that it’s ever been − Where shallow observation and experience Have ripened Into wisdom and appreciation.

7.

It’s also the time in my life When my mind, heart and soul All agree with each other That life is short, Time is of the essence, And there’s just no time to lose. *****

508

y Thank God For Worries 4-30-2005 Having worries is a blessing in disguise. _____ 1.

I worry over everything.

Will I live too long And die helpless and pathetic?

Or will I die too soon and miss out On those much-touted “golden years”?

2.

I also worry about Vi dying early on me Just as my Mom died early on my Dad. I also worry about the kids As to how they’re doing now And how they’ll fare later on in life.

3.

I worry about our money And whether we’ll have enough To get us through.

I also worry as to whether the kids Will take care of us When we’re old and we need them to.

509

4.

I worry if there is a God And if He really has A Heaven and Hell for us.

And if He does exist I worry as to which one He’s picked out for me.

5.

I also worry That I’ll never find the peace of mind That comes from Having a healthy attitude about life − The attitude that I’ve always been looking for − The attitude that gives you that even disposition That allows you to gracefully handle Everything that Life decides to throw at you.

6.

On and on I go about my worries.

But when I think about it Rather than complain about it I should be thankful for my worries For if I didn’t have any worries I’d have an even greater worry. *****

510

y 12 Feet Marks The Entire Range Of Our Existence 7-24-2005 The range of our existence is quite limited. _____ 1.

For all our lives We live 6 feet above the ground.

2.

And when we die We’ll forever rest 6 feet underground.

3.

6 feet up and 6 feet down.

12 feet is the entire range of our existence.

4.

How exact and well-defined our boundaries are.

How precisely measured are our little pens.

How confining are our chicken coops.

5.

How limited is the range we’ve been assigned For all our lives and throughout our deaths − Just 6 feet up and 6 feet down. *****

511

y Slowly Driving Past Your House 7-25-2005 All he has left is a memory. _____ 1.

You left our little town And settled somewhere else And made a new life for yourself − The one that you deserved.

2.

And as for me?

I stayed behind and let you go And gave up any chance I had with you.

3.

You have a family now − The one that could have been ours If not for my stupidity.

4.

So now All that I have left Is slowly driving past your empty house And looking at its windows That are all unlit And empty of your silhouette That I used to see.

512

5.

But when I close my eyes And concentrate I see all those windows warmly lit again And your lovely silhouette on the shade.

I also hear all the sounds of life and love That used to be in every room.

6.

But when I open my eyes All that disappears – Your silhouette is gone, The house is empty and quiet, And the silence and darkness Is enough to break my heart.

7.

So now All that’s left for me Is slowly driving past your house With no chance of ever seeing again All those windows warmly lit And your silhouette on the shade Or hearing All the sounds of life and love inside − Except − When I close my eyes. *****

513

y What Took You So Long?

8-3-2005 A love finally coming around. _____ 1.

I’ve always been there − Either in the foreground or the background − But you never noticed me.

We’ve even spoken once or twice But you never remembered.

2.

I’ve always been around But you never paid me any mind.

I’ve waited patiently for the ice to thaw And for you to notice me But you never did.

3.

And whenever you looked my way It was always to my left, or right, or over me − Or even worse − Right through me − As if I weren’t even there.

514

4.

But now you’ve come around And finally noticed me.

I finally caught your eye.

The searching love in you Has finally found The waiting love in me.

5.

Though my wait for you Has had a happy ending I just have to ask you, “What took you so long?!” *****

515

y

Then Please Don’t Bury Me At All 8-4-05 Home is home. _____ 1.

All my life I’ve lived here in this house.

This is the house Where I lived for 40 years with my wife – God rest her soul − And where we raised all of our children.

2.

This is the place That I’ve spent my every smile and tear.

This is the place That I built and re-built.

This is the place That I’ve always called home And my little piece of the earth.

3.

This is the kitchen Where I’ve had my coffee For countless mornings.

And upstairs is the bed I’ve slept in For all my nights.

516

4.

I’ve tracked a million suns and moons Across these walls and floors And I’ve watched a million clouds and shadows Pass by my windows So I can’t image being any other place Than here at home.

5.

So when I die My only request Is that you bury me here Where I belong – Right here at home.

6.

Please let me die with the peace of mind That I’ll be buried right here at home.

And if you can’t promise me that Then please don’t bury me at all. *****

517

y Will You Go Out With Me Tonight?

8-7-2005 Looking for a second chance, even in death.

(Inspired I think by a poem I may have read.) ______ 1.

I think about you all the time − Both when I’m lonely and even when I’m not “So will you go out with me tonight?”

2.

I’ve loved no other woman in my life As much as I’ve loved you “So will you go out with me tonight?”

3.

It’s been a long hard week for me With anxious days and restless nights “So will you go out with me tonight?”

4.

I know I’ve never said the things I should have said Nor been the friend or lover you deserved “But will you go out with me tonight?”

518

5.

I want to tell you now, how much I love you Like I didn’t think to do before “So will you go out with me tonight?”

6.

Please forgive me For all the hurt I’ve caused.

Please forgive this lonely man who lives in pain From always regretting what he didn’t do And from always missing you “So please, will you go out with me tonight?”

7.

So here I am Standing at your gravesite Asking with a broken heart This one and only request “Will you go out with me tonight?” *****

519

y In Many Ways I Envy Him 9-17-2005 Finally at rest. _____ 1.

He’s dead and in his coffin now.

His worries are no more.

His sufferings are all over with.

And he can’t do anything more that he’ll regret.

2.

There’s nothing more he has to face: No more disappointments to adjust to, No more conflicts to resolve, No more sins to ask forgiveness for, And no more penance to perform.

3.

He’s dead and in his coffin now Relieved of all life’s stresses Resting peacefully And safely tucked away.

4.

In many ways I envy him For all the peace he’s gained. *****

520

y When The Snow Came I Found Myself Alone 10-25-2005 An endless love that ended. _____ 1.

We had found each other in the summer And fell into a love That was the deepest love we’d ever known.

Each day we held hands And gazed into each other’s eyes And when we slept at night We whispered in the dark Wrapped in each other’s arms.

2.

We were so much in love That we thought the stars were there Just for us And under them We pledged our love forever.

3.

We were running bloods each time we touched And the world did not exist beyond our warm embrace.

Our thoughts were always on each other And even being in the next room Seemed unbearably far apart.

521

4.

But when the winter came And the first snow was on the ground I found myself alone.

She had left without a word.

Her bed was cold, Her closets bare, And her coffee cup was sitting in the sink.

5.

I opened up the door to look for her outside But she wasn’t there either.

And any footprints Had been all covered up by the snow.

There was only dead-white silence everywhere For the snow had hushed up everything − All the better to hear my cries.

6.

When the first snow came I found myself alone.

It seemed the love I’d found And thought was mine Forever Was nothing but a dream.

7.

And even if it was all real It might as well have been a dream For when the first snow came I found myself alone. *****

522

y Painting By The Numbers 11-27-2005 Missing exhilaration due to over cautiousness. _____ 1.

I paint by the numbers And always careful to stay inside the lines So all my pictures turn out fine.

2.

For caution’s sake I always drive in the right hand lane And never in the left.

And when I make investments I never take much risk.

And whenever I say something I never voice any strong opinions.

And when it comes to politics I like to stay in the center.

3.

I protect my hands By always wearing gloves.

And when I go for a swim I always wear my vest.

And when I play pool I take a lot of safe shots.

523

4.

My caution and my prudence Have saved me From making a lot of mistakes And incurring a lot of grief.

But sadly, on the other hand I’ve never known the thrill and rush Or the taste of fear and danger That comes from making bold and daring moves And taking chances.

5.

I’ve also never known The exhilarating feeling one gets From playing the game with style and flare And seeing the crowd Out of their seats and cheering wildly.

Nor have I felt the thrill Of going all in and betting against the odds, Winning the big pot, And watching the table explode with excitement.

6.

All such wild and exhilarating things as these And the attendant feel Of my adrenalin pumping through my veins I’ll sadly never experience Just painting by the numbers. *****

524

y Ballrooms, Palaces And Cinderella Loves 11-27-2005 One meeting that he never forgot. _____ 1.

I met you once a long, long time ago And never could forget you.

2.

You stirred in me something very primitive − Something that I couldn’t put aside − Something that distorted even time and space for me − Something that created fantasies And made me something more than what I was.

3.

Although I haven’t met you since I’ve never forgotten the one time that I did − The time when you took my heart away with you.

4.

Oh what followed from that night − From that one chance encounter – All the magic, dreams and fantasies − All the dreams I had of you and I together − Of ballrooms, palaces And Cinderella loves. *****

525

y Where The Snow Would Never Melt On Me 12-18-2005 Yearning for the snow’s virginity. _____ 1.

When it snows The world becomes A fairy tale wonderland for me − A storybook kingdom made of white With magic in the air.

2.

Snow − It beatifies and simplifies everything.

It takes the former collage Of stark competing colors And reduces them To just a softer snow-capped few.

And all the former shrill and rowdy sounds Are quieted down To a hush of church-like whispers All in homage To her Majesty, the Snow.

526

3.

And after it has snowed I pray that it will stay just cold enough To keep the snow around all winter long.

I hate it when it warms And the snow begins to melt And turns into a slushy, ugly, dirty brown For it sadly reminds me Of a lost virginity.

4.

Oh, how I wish I had A winter cabin in the North That would guarantee That the magic and the beauty Of the lovely snow Would never melt on me. *****

527

y

I Said I Would − I Said I Wouldn’t 1-6-2006 Emotional contradictions. ______ 1.

I said I’d throw her pictures out But I didn’t, at least not all of them.

I said I’d never think of her again But now and then I do.

I said I’d burn her letters But I still keep a few of them In the back of my drawer.

2.

I said I’d never call her again But I sometimes pick up the phone by mistake.

I said I wouldn’t speak her name again But sometimes it just comes out in my sleep.

I listen to the Angel Who tells me she’s no good for me But then I give the Devil equal time Who tells me otherwise.

3.

I said I’d free myself of her But I’m still entangled.

I told myself that I’d be happier without her But somehow, I’m sadder even more.

528

4.

What I tell myself I’ll do, I don’t.

And what I tell myself I won’t, I do.

I’m just all adrift in empty promises And contradictions.

5.

Here, look into my heart And you will see that it’s half empty And that’s because She never gave me enough of herself For it to have its proper fill.

6.

And if you look a little closer You’ll see another reason why My heart will never be full And that’s because On her way out − On the day she left − She put a big hole in it. *****

529

y

Staring Out My Window − Just Like Before?

1-21-2006 The fear of going back to the bad times. ____ 1.

I remember when I was a little kid growing up in Brooklyn I used to stare out of my back bedroom window Looking at the dying sky at dusk And feeling so depressed about life For all I saw ahead of me Was a long and troubled life With too much sadness, pain and fear to face.

I didn’t want to live in such a life And remember wanting just to end it all Which was no way for little kid to be thinking.

That was a long time ago And luckily I got away from Those dark, dark feelings of my yesterday.

2.

Recently though Those same feelings came back to me Which frightened me and made me wonder If I was looking through that same old window into Hell That I had looked through as a boy – That same old window that had that same old dying sky in it − That window that I thought I’d drawn the curtains on.

530

3.

So with these reminiscent feelings back again It made me wonder If the monkey that I thought I’d shaken off my back Had gotten on again.

It also made me wonder If I’d just been walking in some mammoth circle That has cruelly brought me back To where I started from.

4.

Even though I thought That I had turned my back on all of that I had to ask myself Is this thing that I thought I’d lost Still stalking me?

And will I have to face it All over again?

5.

Haven’t I made any progress During all these intervening years?

Or will I have these “déjà vus” Right up until my end?

6.

But if that’s the case And I have to deal With these same old feelings again I just hope they’re shorter And not so damn severe. *****

531

y My Death Will Be An Inside Job 2-3-2006 My death will come from something internal. _____ 1.

I feel my death Won’t be the result of any frontal attack − No head-on collision with the outside world − Nothing quite so obvious But rather from something Much more subtle and closer to home – From an enemy within.

2.

I feel a conspiracy Is hatching for my murder.

I feel I’ll be betrayed By some foul and devious enemy Who I carry deep inside of me − By an enemy Within my palace walls.

3.

My death will be an inside job.

The King will be assassinated By a trusted member of his court.

532

4.

I feel my death is being planned Even as we speak.

Slowly, the plot is hatching.

From what or whom or when I cannot rightly tell But it will show itself one day And when it does I’ll strangely be relieved Just to know my killer’s name.

5.

My death will come From something inside of me.

It will be an inside job Committed by A trusted member of my court. *****

533

y Oh Life, You Are Without Pity Or Emotion (You Can’t Get Blood From A Stone) 2-9-2006 There is no emotion or compassion in Life and Nature. _____ 1.

Oh, Life, you are absent of any pity or emotion for us And have little consideration for our feelings.

And after we’ve served our purposes You have little use for us.

2.

Oh Life, for all our contributions And for all our years of loyal service to you You only give us a miser’s pension That’s barely enough to survive on.

3.

Oh Life, I understand how things work And am trying my best to get used to it Because I really don’t have any choice.

4.

But for having dutifully completed All you’ve asked us to do − For successfully achieving our missions − I was hoping, Life That you’d be a little more appreciative Of all the years of service we’ve given you for the cause.

534

5.

I was hoping, Life That you’d show us a little more compassion.

I was hoping That you’d give us a more generous pension And one that was more reflective of a reward Rather than a measly and insulting pittance.

6.

I was hoping That you’d have a little more respect for us As your senior citizens And would have provided us With a little something more To ease our worries and pains In these final battle-weary years of ours And that would allow us to go out With a little more dignity.

7.

I was hoping, Life That we’d get a little more from you.

But I guess I should know by now That we can’t get anything from you That you don’t have to give − No pity, emotion or compassion − For as they say, “You can’t get blood from a stone.” *****

535

y

My Heart Can’t Heal Itself 6-14-2004 He still wonders why fate hadn’t been kind to them. _____ 1.

For all those years we’ve been apart I’d think about you now and again Wondering why both Love and Fate Had turned their backs on us.

2.

So sad it was that our two loves Had to always live apart.

So sad it was that our two loves Could not succeed together Always being foiled by something That always got in the way.

3.

Even after all these years Your memory Is like a ghost that’s always haunting me − Or a sore I can’t stop picking at − Which makes me wonder How strong and deep our love just might have been Had we reconciled our differences − Had we figured out a way to live together Before it was all too late.

536

4.

Oh how I wish That my heart would heal But I know it can’t − Not all by itself. *****

537

y I Live For New Beginnings (On Me And My Family) 2-28-2006 Disappointments create chances for new beginnings. _____ 1.

There is a compensating benefit To frequent failures And constant disappointments In that they create a steady flow of hopes And new beginnings.

2.

I live for new beginnings: A new closeness to Kerry and Leandra; A renewed appreciation of Mom; And a new acceptance of myself.

3.

Every cloud has a silver lining And every dark and scary night Portends of a bright new day to come.

538

4.

I live in a sea of little hopes And constant new beginnings Each one of which is a shiny little wavelet On the surface of the water − Each one a mirror glistening in the sun − Each one a jewel worth reaching for.

I live for new beginnings. *****

539

y Children And Old Men (Hopes And Disappointments) 11-2-2007 Commentary on life. _____ 1.

How cruel Life is sometimes: Where hopes so often Resolve into disappointments.

2.

Where failures mount And stack themselves One upon the other.

3.

Where children Give birth to happy dreams And old men Are left to watch them die And bury them One by one. *****

540

y Having My Cake And Eating It Too (Music Or Business?) (“Honey, I’m Home”) 4-12-2008 Business was my wife and music my mistress. _____ 1.

When I was in college I had to chose my major: Music or Business?

2.

It was a long and hard debate: My emotional heart favored music And my practical head favored business.

3.

I felt that if I chose music I’d never make a decent living − So I chose business.

4.

With business I found mostly steady work, More financial security, And gained some status in the world.

It was the right decision.

541

5.

Though my head and business won the power struggle My heart and music didn’t give up But rather went underground To plan their comebacks.

6.

While I made my vows to business I kept music as my mistress And never thought myself unfaithful.

7.

Now After more than 40 years in business I’ve got just about enough security To retire somewhat comfortably.

I can lock my office door, Put my business suits away, And sit down at the piano or pick up the guitar And play or write to my heart’s content.

8.

After more than 40 years away from her − Away from my faithful mistress − I finally came back Flung open the door And yelled out, “Honey, I’m home!”

542

9.

Looking back I can safely say That my decision was a good one For I made a decent living, Saved a decent sum, And was fortunate that my mistress waited for me.

I broke her heart once But I never will again.

10.

My decision was a wise one For another reason as well For it allowed me to have What is normally mutually exclusive: To have my cake And eat it too! *****

543

y Quiet Morn 8-16-2008 Everything seems better in the morning.

(I wrote a musical piece for piano and strings named “Quiet Morn� which I dedicated to my sister Christine for her 50th birthday.) _____ 1.

In the quiet of the morning Before the world awakes Life is fresh and simple.

2.

In the quiet of the morning I feel as if I were The only man on Earth.

3.

In the quiet of the morning My spirit floats As if it were the wind.

4.

In the quiet of the morning I can reach up to the sky And touch its color blue. ~ I can hear The whispers of the wind. ~

544

I can understand The language of the rustling leaves. ~ I can see Every glistening dew drop As a little crystal ball. ~ 5.

In the quiet of the morning Nature is my friend And the only friend I need.

6.

In the quiet of the morning I feel I know by heart The song of every bird.

7.

In the quiet of the morning Before the world awakes I find sanctuary.

8.

At this special time of day − In the quiet of the morning − I’m at my hopeful best. *****

545

y Respite And Recovery 10-19-2008 Life cruelly toys with us sometimes. _____ 1.

Oh Life You plague us with Reality But then, cunningly You administer your antidotes Of Fantasy and Denial.

2.

Oh Life You work us Long and Hard Then tease us With Respite and Recovery Measured in miserly doses That are barely enough To keep us alive And our grip on you.

546

3.

Oh Life Why do you sic your dogs Sorrow and Despair on us And bring us to our knees Begging for Death?

And then When we’re almost near our ends You send in Hope to save us?

4.

Oh Life Why do you toy with us this way? *****

547

y The Magic Show 11-15-2008 When I was young I only read non-fiction books. _____ 1.

When I was young The only kind of books I read Were serious ones − Factual non-fiction books − Books that were full of information − Books on science, philosophy, religion and the like.

Fiction had no value to me And I considered it Somewhat of a petty indulgence.

2.

Somehow I had a penchant For information and learning And loved the sense of satisfaction they gave me − The sense of being filled.

The more I knew The better I felt about myself And the greater self-esteem I had.

Though it took a lot more time and energy Than reading fiction It was something that I loved to do But also, in a way It was something that I had to do.

548

3.

When I compared myself to others − Which was something I would always do − I’d always come up short.

So I read for knowledge’s sake And for the filling that it gave me.

The more I knew The more I felt that I could compensate For the things I thought I lacked.

The more I knew The more I felt that I could close the gap a bit Between what I thought that others had And what I thought I didn’t have And maybe even gain A slight advantage.

4.

While some of what I read was heavy stuff And I didn’t fully understand it I hoped that with enough attempts at it I would.

Many times I thought I understood What I was reading Only to discover that I didn’t And that knowledge and understanding Had eluded me again.

It was a constant game of cat and mouse – A constant process of trial and error – Of hit and miss – And luck.

549

5.

My persistent tug of war And constant struggle with learning Had many attending contradictions And frustrations: It was a love I was never fully at ease with But one I’d be worse without; A source of pleasure But also, of discontentment; A high Followed by a low: A crossword puzzle that I knew I couldn’t finish But that couldn’t put down.

6.

Understanding the material In all those non-fiction books Was sometimes difficult But at the same time it was a kind of magic show for me In that even though I didn’t always understand Exactly how the tricks were done I was fascinated with the magic And just glad to be there in the audience. *****

550

y Rifle Shots In Winter 11-17-2008 Winter sounds are distinctly different than summer sounds.

1.

When the leaves are off the trees And the air is cold and crisp Winter sounds are icy-sharp And crack sometimes as loud as rifle shots That travel through the air Unrestricted and uninhibited And almost at the speed of light it seems.

2.

Winter sounds and all their mirrored echoes Ricochet and multiply off every rock and tree.

They fill the air and make it seem As though they’re everywhere at once − As if the world was one big echo chamber.

3.

Winter sounds Are the sounds you cannot hear in summer When the interfering leaves are on the trees And every sound is muffled By the stifling heat and summer lush Or swallowed up and drowned In the heavy humid air.

551

4.

Oh Winter sounds You sound as loud sometimes As icebergs breaking off a glacier.

5.

Oh Winter sounds You ring out and scatter everywhere Like a flock of startled birds.

6.

Oh Winter sounds How I love to listen to your voices And their unencumbered echoes As they riot through the open woods Naked cold and free. *****

552

y Collision At Sea (A Naval Tragedy) 11-30-2008 During the Vietnam War while on night maneuvers in the North Pacific our ship was cut in half by one of our own ships in a convoy.

It was a first-hand experience with tragedy and death. _____ 1.

It was in the middle of the night And I was just about to go up topside to the bridge To assume the night watch as Officer of the Deck.

I was down in CIC * Getting briefed by the CIC officer-in-charge About our ship’s current position, The contacts that we had on radar and sonar, And our planned maneuvers for the night. * The Combat Information Center

553

2.

Our ship was the USS McMorris (DE 1036), a destroyer escort And one of many ships screening a convoy To protect it from a potential submarine attack.

When I arrived in CIC A signal was already “in the air” – A signal poised for execution: “Standby to re-orient the screen!”

Which signal, when executed Required all the screening ships To turn and speed through the convoy And take up new positions to protect it From a submarine threat from a new direction.

3.

The maneuver was to be performed Under darkened-ship conditions − A term used for when the navigation lights On all the ships were all turned off So that any stalking submarine couldn’t sight in on them And get an easy torpedo shot.

It was a moonless night that night Which made it even more dangerous In that when the ships reoriented themselves And crisscrossed each other Speeding to their newly assigned positions They wouldn’t be able to see each other − Other than on radar.

554

4.

The maneuver was quite complex And required: Accurate plotting, precise coordination and timely execution.

It was a dangerous enough maneuver in daylight And so much more so on a moonless night Under darkened-ship conditions.

Then, the signal was executed, “Reorient the screen!”

And all the screening ships were on the move.

5.

Halfway into the maneuver I looked at the CIC radar plotting board And asked a simple question, “Where’s the Tombigbee?”, The cargo ship that we were screening.

“It’s temporarily lost in the sea return * But it’ll be out in a minute.”, The CIC Officer reassured me − But it never did. * When ships are close to each other they’re not able to be seen on radar as their radar reflections are masked by reflections off the sea.

6.

Soon I heard some panicked yelling on the bridge And the Captain order, “Right full rudder!”

Then I heard him yell, “I think, we’re too damn close!

We better show ourselves!”

Then he screamed, “Lighten ship! All lights on!” − But it was too late.

555

7.

Then I heard a loud heavy thud followed by a dead-stop jolt Which threw me across the compartment and into the bulkhead.

I hit my elbow hard against its cold and solid steel rib framing.

I also heard the hissing sounds of broken steam pipes.

We’d been almost cut in half! − Cut in half by the Tombigbee − The very ship we were screening.

8.

There was pandemonium both on deck and down below.

I heard the crackling sounds of electricity Arcing from the electrical lines that had been cut Which were flailing around like unmanned fire hoses With sparks shooting out from their severed ends And lighting up the black night sky Just like sparklers on the 4th of July.

9.

The smell of oil was in the air, on the decks and in the sea.

It was everywhere.

I was more afraid of fire than I was of sinking.

I remember thinking that it was just a matter of time Before the fire and explosion.

But I kept that thought and fear to myself So as not to cause any greater apprehension in the crew.

556

10.

Everyone was yelling, “Get the men out from down below!”

(Most men who were killed, hurt or trapped Were in the berthing compartments below.)

“Lower the stretchers and get those men up top-side!”

Slowly, one by one, the heads of sailors Began to appear above the combings of the decks.

One by one we laid them out on deck.

It was hard to find enough free and undamaged space on deck To accommodate all of them.

Some were dead, Some were missing limbs, And some had broken bones and lacerations.

It was better that this tragedy occurred at night For mercifully The blood showed more black Than red.

11.

There can be no real plan or order When a tragedy like this occurs.

You just did what you saw you had to do.

Rank between the officers and men Meant less than it ever had before.

Reflex, common sense and bravery Were the real officers in charge And you did whatever they ordered you to do.

And if you didn’t You just froze in fear And did nothing − Nothing but just instinctively Look out for yourself.

557

12.

At one point I went below decks To see what damage had been done down there.

And when I reached the “Chief’s Quarters” I saw an Engineering Chief Petty Officer Stretched out on the deck lying on his back.

His head was twice its normal size And looked like a balloon of water For all the bones in his skull had been crushed Leaving no support for the liquid That had become the inside of his head.

13.

I stopped and knelt down beside him, Took his hand, and felt it weakly take hold of mine.

Our eyes engaged But neither one of us said anything.

I knew he wasn’t going to make it − And he knew it too.

Then the light in his eyes went out And his hand went limp on me.

558

14.

I slowly put down his hand and moved on.

I remember that not a single tear came to my eye For too many things were happening and all too fast − Too fast to have even such a tragedy as this Fully sink in.

Emotions can’t catch up With all the things that were going on For they need more time To properly assemble themselves into grief.

The mind can’t function in its proper way For it just can’t process well When there’s so much that has to be absorbed − And thank god, for otherwise Things such as nights like this Would overwhelm you.

15.

I’ll never forget that night And that taste of tragedy and death.

Though only a taste It was a taste I’ll never forget And one that will always stay with me Wherever I go In some way, shape, or form. *****

559

Post Script You grow up fast when life demands you to.

One lesson in this kind of school – In the school of tragic experiences – And you’ve earned a full degree.

And while you grow up harder and stronger for it In many ways you grow up weaker too. ~ You also never sleep as soundly as you used to And sometimes jump at every loud or sudden noise − Or when those scary jack-in-the-box memories Pop-up on you unexpectedly as they sometimes do. ~ While tragedies like this train you for the next one You always wish there was a better way. *****

560

y Help Is On The Way 8-24-2009 The heart is ever hopeful. _____ 1.

This heart is empty.

This heart is hurting.

This heart is good And doesn’t deserve what’s on it now.

2.

This heart is desperate for relief And thinks it’s heard a whispered promise That “Help is on the way.”

3.

This heart is always listening and searching And always ever hopeful.

This heart is looking for the light It believes is there And waiting for the breeze It trusts will come.

And this heart believes that good Will be rewarded And evil punished.

561

4.

This heart is looking for the signs That help is on its way: A line of dust above the horizon Signaling that the cavalry’s on its way; The emerging glow of a rising moon That will open up the night; The discovery of a cabin with its lights on In a dark and scary forest; The soft and reassuring voice That will finally end the piercing silence; A touch upon its shoulder To let it know that it’s not alone; A ray of hope To challenge its despair; A big brother To save it from the bullies on the block; A phone that finally rings To let it know that someone cares.

5.

This heart’s a dreamer − Dreaming up all the dreams it needs For its survival.

And this heart will go on dreaming And believing no matter what That help is on the way. *****

562

y

Don’t Mourn For Me (On A Vietnamese Film) 3-20-2010 Inspired by the Vietnamese movie, “First Morning”. _____ 1.

What footprint can ever remain in the sand?

What footprint can ever escape the tide?

2.

Who can measure the cost of freedom?

Who can question the road we took?

3.

Every spring endures a winter.

Every lullaby bears a mother’s grief.

Every dream demands a sacrifice.

4.

Don’t mourn for me when I die For death is not the greatest loss For the greatest loss Is that which dies inside of you While you’re alive. *****

563

y The Smell Of Pain In The Air 3-26-2010 We can sense a lot of things before they actually occur. _____ 1.

Your joints begin to ache When it’s going to rain.

2.

You can hear a hush come over everything Just before it snows.

3.

You can somehow sense When danger’s close at hand.

4.

You often have a premonition Before something actually happens.

5.

And when your heart’s about to break There’s an unmistakable smell of pain in the air. *****

564

y Gossiping 4-12-2010 Inspired by the movie “Doubt.” _____ 1.

A woman made her confession to a priest, “Father forgive me for I have sinned As I’ve been gossiping.”

Then she asked, “Father, how bad is the sin of gossiping?”

“It’s a very bad sin”, the priest replied, “Which I will demonstrate through your penance.”

2.

The priest then told the woman, “First, I want you to go home Take a pillow up to the roof of your house, Cut it open with a knife, Empty out all the feathers And then come back to me.”

565

3.

The woman did exactly what she was told And came back to the priest.

“Did you do what I asked you to do?”, the priest inquired?

“Yes I did, Father”, she replied, “Am I now forgiven?”

“Not so fast”, the priest shot back.

“Now, I want you go back and collect all those feathers And put them back in the pillow.”

4.

“That’s impossible”, the woman replied, “They’ve all been scattered by the wind And are now everywhere!”

“Yes indeed”, the priest replied, “And that’s how bad gossiping is!” *****

566

y He Called Me His Little Mountain Flower 5-10-2010 A compliment that lasted her a lifetime. _____ 1.

He called me his “little mountain flower.”

And when he did I actually saw myself As a little golden flower In a field of grass High up on a mountain side On a bright and sunny day 2.

No one ever called me anything as beautiful As a little mountain flower And I took that image of myself Into my heart.

3.

Although he’s gone now I still hold that image of myself − The image that he gave me When he called me His little mountain flower. *****

567

y Taking The Long Way Home 7-24-2010 Desperate to resolve a problem. _____ 1.

I’ve got to solve this problem That’s been weighing heavy on my mind For I just can’t carry it anymore.

2.

I’ve got to put this fire out That’s been burning in my head And not take it home with me again.

3.

I’ve got to find the answer To my dilemma That’s got me almost split in two.

4.

I’ve got to solve this puzzle That just won’t give me any rest.

5.

I’ve got to relieve the pressure That’s been building up inside of me.

568

6.

So tonight I’m taking the long way home To give myself the time I need To think things through And hopefully slip the knot That’s been strangling me.

7.

I’ve got to lay this burden down That’s been so heavy on my heart.

8.

I’ve got to find the answer To what’s been bothering me And I’m hoping that I’ll find it tonight Somewhere on the long way home.

9.

I’m hoping that tonight Somewhere along the way − Somewhere on the long way home − It’ll come to me And I’ll find the answer To this trouble in my head. *****

569

y Beating The Apocalypse 9-3-2010 Pre-empting the inevitable. _____ 1.

I smell something in the wind.

I feel a rumbling under my feet.

I feel a change of pressure in the air.

I have butterflies in my stomach.

I feel the hairs on the back of my neck standing up.

I feel a trembling in my soul.

I sense something horrible and inevitable is coming − I sense the apocalypse is near.

2.

I don’t know exactly How or when it’s coming Or what form it will take But I know it’s coming.

3.

Will it come from something external Or internal?

Will it be an explosion Or an implosion?

Will it be delivered by a stranger or a friend Or by my own hand?

I don’t know from what or where it’ll come But I know it’s coming.

570

4.

Will it be something that consumes the world And me included?

Or will it only target me Specifically?

5.

I’ve got to get ahead of the wave Before it breaks.

I’ve got to beat it to the punch.

6.

I’ve got to get out of Life Before Life is taken out of me.

7.

I want to leave this world On my own terms And not on those of someone Or something else.

8.

The apocalypse is coming And I want to pre-empt its inevitable strike Even if it means sacrificing my own life For I’d rather burn down the city Than give it up to the enemy.

9.

I’ve got to beat the apocalypse Before it comes. *****

571

y They Say A Lot of Things 2-28-2011 Coming out of a crisis doesn’t always make you stronger. _____ 1.

“They” say That when you go through a crisis You come out tougher And more prepared for the next one.

And that when your heart breaks It becomes even stronger than before.

2.

They say a lot of things, don’t they? − But a lot of things they say Just aren’t true For in reality You often don’t come out Stronger and tougher for it But rather weaker and less secure, More disheartened and suspicious, And sometimes even downright paranoid.

572

3.

Yes, these talking heads all say That crises will make you stronger: That when you lose a loved one or your job − That when you’re down and out And have to scrape and beg just to get by − That when you suffer Disappointment after disappointment To the point of despair − You’ll come out stronger and the better for it in the end.

4.

They also say That when you go through a crisis You’ll put yourself back together Better than new.

But that’s not always the case For many times You never get reassembled 100% Because some of your parts Get lost or damaged in the process Making you damaged goods.

In fact Sometimes things turn out so bad That you’re lucky − Or maybe not so lucky − To have survived at all.

573

5.

They say a lot of things, don’t they? − About coming out better and stronger After a crisis, loss or hurt.

But the truth is That sometimes you do And sometimes you don’t And in reality It’s all pretty much of a gamble As to where the dice will fall And how you’ll actually come out − If you come out of it at all. *****

574

y The Past Drags Along Behind Me (Dante’s Rings) (Hong Kong) 5-24-2011 My past is never past. _____ 1.

My Past is like a heavy weight That I drag behind me And, like a ball and chain around my ankle, Its clicking and clacking Is always attracting attention And giving me away.

2.

No amount of My good deeds or intentions today Can ever erase The indelible stains of yesterday.

3.

I wish that I could fly away Like my heart wants me to But I can’t For I’m weighted down With this ball-and-chain Of my trailing Past.

575

4.

As I approach Dante’s Rings * I close my eyes and prepare for the worst.

But then The Angles of Purgatory take my hand And gently push me back against The rough and craggy walls And guide me past the Gates of Hell And out of the reach of all the hungry Devils Who are reaching out to take me for themselves. * The nine circles of Hell are in the epic poem “Inferno” written by the 14th century poet Dante Alighieri.

5.

Though I’m resolved to endure Whatever may be my punishment I pray with true contrition That there might be some forgiveness for my sins − Not redemption But just for some forgiveness − For I know full well that some sins Can never be forgiven.

6.

So with bowed head I slowly open one eye And peek at the Angels Who are holding my hand And look for some sign of reassurance That some forgiveness May be possible. *****

576

y My Image Of Retirement (On My Uncle Arthur) 8-6-2011 My retirement role model. _____ 1.

I remember my Uncle Arthur After he retired Sitting calm and contented In his comfortable armchair Next to a small book case In the corner of his living room In that little log cabin of his In Mountain Springs, New Jersey Quietly reading his historical novels Under a soft yellowish lamplight While sipping on his pre-made gin martinis Which he made gallons of And always kept at the ready.

2.

He looked so peaceful In that overstuffed armchair of his − As if he were In some kind of serene meditative trance − As if he somehow had achieved Nirvana.

577

3.

I remember thinking How wonderfully relaxing retirement must be And locked that image in my head And made my Uncle Arthur My role model As to what retirement Should be all about for me one day.

4.

And now that I’m retired That image has come back to me As a model for my retirement.

5.

But that’s not the way my retirement Is turning out for me so far For I’ve got a million projects underway With a million more in the planning stage Leaving me with little or no time for relaxation And making me wonder If I’ll ever achieve the peaceful retirement That my Uncle Arthur had.

6.

Although I’m very different from my Uncle Arthur He remains my role model for retirement − Having no big list of things to do And living in that seemingly magical Shangri-La world of his Just quietly reading his little dried-out And yellow-edged historical novels And drinking his assembly-line martinis Before he went to bed After which he probably slept like a baby.

578

7.

Will I ever be able to get Into the kind of retirement mode That my Uncle Arthur did?

I don’t exactly know But I suspect That it’s highly unlikely.

8.

Unlikely or not − And no matter what the odds are That I’ll ever get there myself − I’m going to keep that serene And unstressed image of retirement Alive and kicking in my head For everyone needs a goal And a role model to help him get there − Like my Uncle Arthur is for me. *****

579

y The Howling Wind 8-28-2011 Thoughts during Hurricane “Irene” that ripped through New England. _____ 1.

I’m listening to the howling Wind outside Relentlessly testing all the trees And looking for the most vulnerable ones to fell.

2.

The Wind is constantly shifting direction With unrelenting determination Trying to catch any careless tree That’s even a little off balance So it could either break it in two Or rip it out from its roots.

3.

With its vicious combinations of gusts The Wind knows through experience That it will ultimately catch many trees flat-footed And take them swiftly to the ground And easily make its quota for the storm.

580

4.

The Wind and its persistent howling Is like a raiding party of whopping Indians Aimed at striking fear Into the very hearts of those poor trees Who can’t run But only bob and weave To try and dodge the gusts That are being hurled at them And to keep their balance as best they can.

5.

The Wind is a free and nomad bred That scornfully resents these settler trees Who they feel have arrogantly taken up residence And presumptive ownership of the land.

6.

The Wind circles and taunts its victims − First appearing on the left Then on the right Then in front And then behind them − Eventually catching one Then another and another With quick and leveraged gusts That bring them down.

581

7.

The Wind stampedes Through the herd of defenseless trees Picking them off one by one And felling them With loud and heavy cracks and thuds Where only their strength in numbers Will guarantee their survival.

8.

And when the raid is over And the Wind has either satisfied Or exhausted itself It will vanish as quickly as it came − Almost as if it never was And just a bad dream.

9.

But it wasn’t just a bad dream For when these frightened trees compose themselves And feel brave enough to open their eyes They’ll see all their fallen dead Who they’ll mourn And have to watch slowly rot away Serving as a long and painful reminder Of the horror they just endured And the fears of more to come.

582

10.

Recognizing That this is the way of life for them These proud and stately trees Never complain outright But rather Just nervously wait for the next assault Always wondering why the Wind Just won’t leave them alone. *****

583

y He Made Himself A Drink To Take Upstairs 9-15-2011 Alone and waiting for answers. _____ 1.

He said, “Good night” and went upstairs to bed But sometime later he came down again And made himself a drink Which he brought back upstairs with him For tonight He somehow had to have a drink by himself − Away from the others − Before he went to sleep.

2.

Staring off into the corner of his empty room He saw nothing − Nothing but the ambient light surrounding him Which was just the way he wanted it.

3.

Sometimes he liked being alone And sometimes he didn’t For both had their advantages And their disadvantages.

Back and forth he engaged in this debate Never settling on anything.

584

4.

There, to his right, he saw his bed On which he had ceremoniously Turned down the covers.

So there it was – Ready and waiting for him Like a mistress − Whenever he wanted her.

5.

Staring off into space He saw nothing.

But in his mind He saw so many things Racing through it But they were all a blur And too blurry To make much of anything out of them.

6.

He shared everything with his drink − All his secrets and all his worries.

And without a spoken word He asked it all his pressing questions And stared at it Waiting for an answer As if it were a crystal ball – As if it were an oracle.

585

7.

Although his drink wasn’t all that helpful In providing him with any answers to his questions It was at least his faithful companion And kept him company so he wasn’t alone.

8.

And as he sat there With his now half-empty glass He waited for something to appear − Either out of the darkness of the room Or the obscurity of his mind − Waiting for some revelation Or some awakening.

But nothing came Just like always.

9.

It was just he and his drink Looking at each other In the Dark and Silence of his room With each one waiting for the other to speak.

10.

But just like always Neither one could offer anything.

So just like always The turmoil in his heart never calmed And the silence of the room Remained undisturbed And deafening. *****

586

y Would It Be Enough?

9-15-2011 Some ironic elements of married life. _____ 1.

She reached over to him But he subtly withdrew.

2.

He wished that he could give her More of what she wanted − More of what she was reaching for − For both her sake and for his.

But he couldn’t And that was the shame And the heartbreak of it all.

3.

As subtly as he tried to mask his withdrawal She knew it for what it was.

But what she didn’t know Was that in his heart He was trying to respond But, for whatever reason, couldn’t.

Would she one day come to understand this?

And if so Would it be enough – and in time?

587

4.

It’s strange how married couples Become closer and more intimate In some ways But yet more distant and remote In other ways.

5.

It’s also strange That the more you know someone And the longer you’ve been together The more secrets you sometimes develop And the more private and secretive You often become.

6.

It seems that for every advance in life There’s an offsetting retreat; For every intimacy you share There’s one you hide; And for every door you open You close another.

7.

She reached over to him Hoping that he’d respond.

He tried to, but couldn’t, and withdrew.

He hoped though That somehow she’d understand − But even if she did Would it be enough – And would it be in time? *****

588

y The Death Of A Little Bug 9-18-2011 The cruelty of life. _____ 1.

When I was shaving this morning I caught a glimpse of something Out of the corner of my eye.

It was a little black bug Being washed down the drain By a cyclonic swirl of water.

2.

As soon as I saw it I panicked And made a reflexive attempt to save it.

But it was too late.

3.

In empathy I identified with that little bug − That tiny little life-form With legs, heart and lungs Just like me − Suffering an innocent but horrible fate Just for being In the wrong place At the wrong time.

589

4.

I turned the water off and stood over the sink Looking into the drain And listening for any sound or sign of life.

At times I thought I heard something But it was only my guilty conscience.

5.

I remained there for a while Hoping that at any moment I might see that little thing emerge And struggle over the rim of the drain − But it never did, and so, I moved on with my life Wondering and asking myself Why the world has to be so cruel and unforgiving Where things like this are always happening?

6.

Upon thinking a little more about what had happened My thoughts festered Into a sort of mild and frustrated anger Causing me to raise my eyes to Heaven – Assuming it existed − And pose a number of pointed questions: 7.

“What kind of a Creator Would make such a world as this? − A world that was not only imperfect But that almost seemed designed To be unfair and purposely cruel?”

590

8.

“What kind of a Creator Would have rather created a world of suffering Than one of comfort and happiness?”

9.

“What kind of a Creator Would have arranged for two unrelated creatures − That bug and I – Who had no animosity towards each other − To be set up Where one would harm the other?”

10.

“And what kind of a Creator Would have not only created the circumstances For this to happen But also have been content To look down and watch it all play out And do nothing about it?”

11.

And as I continued to hover over the sink I waited for some answers But none came.

So I asked again And was ignored a second time Leaving me to sadly wonder further, “What kind of a Creator Wouldn’t even respond To his own children’s questions?”

591

12.

This incident was apparently Over and done with And time for Life to just move on: Unresponsive, unremorseful, unaffected And unchanged. *****

592

y Kindness Or Just A Cruel Trick?

10-10-2011 Had Death been more compassionate or more cruel? _____ 1.

Death had granted him a stay of execution − A delay in the date of his scheduled death So that he could complete his work − The work that he’d begun Many years before And that was very close to completion.

2.

It were as though Death Had a streak of compassion And somehow understood How important his work was to him.

It were as though Death had a heart.

3.

Death also granted him A number of subsequent delays To give him additional time to finish his work Which was always falling behind schedule.

593

4.

Death had no problem Arranging each of these postponements For all it had to do Was to move him a little farther down the list And another one up the list to take his place − Ones who had less important things to do.

5.

And all the while he worked at his desk Death kept looking over his shoulder Following his progress with great interest And pacing the floor Like an expectant father.

6.

Finally His work was completed And the minute it was Death took him Without a second’s hesitation.

7.

Was it a true act of kindness on Death’s part To have let him finish his work?

Or was it only kindness on the surface That was meant to mask Something more cruel and sadistic?

594

8.

Had Death allowed him to finish his work Only to take even greater pleasure In denying him Even one minute to enjoy his achievement?

Had Death set a banquet table Only to take it away Before he even had a chance to take a single bite?

Had Death Just cruelly set him up?

9.

Knowing full-well That Life Always plays these kinds of cruel tricks on us It’s not hard to imagine That Death Probably does too. *****

595

y Will He Run Out Of Time Or Ink? 12-15-2011 A writing dilemma of time and resources. _____ 1.

He has so much he wants to write about To explain himself To the loved ones he’ll leave behind.

But with his failing health He has very little time And with only one ball point pen He has a limited amount of ink.

So his big question is: Will he have enough time and ink To get everything down on paper That he wants to say?

2.

If he writes too slow He might die before he gets it all down.

If he writes too much He might run out of ink.

Either way he’d lose.

596

3.

This is his dilemma: Running out of time Or Running out of ink.

Which would it be?

4.

Worrying That it might be one or the other But hoping That it wouldn’t be either. *****

597

y

What’s Said Is Said (Smoke In A Bottle) 12-29-2011 Communication is an imperfect art. _____ 1.

Somewhere in between − Between what was in my heart And what was in my head − Between what I wanted to say And what I actually said − Things got all mixed up And didn’t come out The way I wanted them to.

2.

Somewhere in between − Between conception and delivery, My imagination and reality, The spirit and the literal, The beginning and the end, The design and the outcome − Things got all confused, misinterpreted and misconstrued Like in the parlor game of “Telephone.”

598

3.

The difference between What we feel, and what we actual say And what we plan to do, and what we actually do And what we never thought we’d do, but do Is the workings of art As opposed to science.

4.

And even as art It’s the worst and vaguest kind of art For it’s at best Impressionist art Which is all fuzzy and blurry And at worst Modern art Which at times is hardly recognizable.

And to make matters worse Both types of art lend themselves To the greatest amount of Interpretation And even greater Misinterpretation.

5.

Somewhere in between The feeling that I had inside of me As to what I planned to say to her And what I actually said Got all mixed up.

599

6.

Somewhere in between My heart and my lips − Between what I intended to say And what I actually said − Things got so deformed That they became twins That had no resemblance to each other.

7.

I knew the minute I said it That it wasn’t what I wanted to say.

But it was all too late by then And there was no taking it back − Nor was there any amount Of begging, apologies or rhetoric That would mitigate, explain or overcome What I had regrettably said.

8.

Somewhere in between My heart and my lips Things got all tangled up Like a long, thin, nylon fishing line That once you get tangled You can never get it untangled Leaving you with no alternative But to cut the line And sadly lose it all.

600

9.

Unfortunately Whatever’s said is said and said forever.

Whatever is said is carved in stone.

Whatever is said becomes “fact” Despite any subsequent Facts, protests or persuasive explanations That you may offer afterwards For anything you say afterwards Is only seen as excuses And only something – “After the fact.”

10.

Whatever’s said is said and said forever.

Whatever comes out first Always takes the high ground And can easily repel any assault against it.

Whatever stains red Never comes out and remains indelible.

The first impression Is always the lasting impression.

Whatever’s said is said forever With no taking it back Just as you can never get smoke Back in a bottle. *****

601

y They Learn Too Soon 8-7-1960 A father trying to explain a mother’s death. _____ 1.

A father sits and stares alone With empty thoughts that won’t abate While his children play happily Not yet knowing that their mother’s gone.

2.

He has to tell them soon.

He has to tell them that their mother died on them.

“Daddy, where did Mommy go?”, a little one asks − The one with the golden plaited locks of hair.

3.

And looking down through his tear-filled eyes He tells his little girl who’s looking up at him, “Mommy’s taken a trip − for just a little while.”

She’s satisfied for now with this reply.

4.

But what about a week from now?

When she’ll ask again?

Will she believe her father then?

Or will she question him even more?

602

5.

And when she asks a month from now She’ll begin to sense the truth And learn all too early in her years About this bitter and unfair life of ours. *****

603

y Unraveling The String Of Life 4-15-1963 Life goes on perhaps endlessly? _____ 1.

The string of Time unravels From far, far, out of the distant Past And far, far into the endless Future − into that timeless Cask That contains: all the Nights that have ever lived and died; All the rest of Today that’s still living and alive; And all the Days that are yet to come in our future travels.

2.

At some point the string of Time will fray and sever Marking an end to all its travels.

And at that point we must ask ourselves With our minds perplexed, “Will Time just stop or will something else appear That will unravel next?” *****

604

y The Sable Hours 7-5-1963 At night I do a lot of thinking about myself and life. _____ 1.

In the sable hours that lay between The moon and when the sun does intervene Is when the most delicate parts of my heart and nerves Are all exposed and when I investigate The origins of all my thoughts and themes.

2.

It’s in these dark and transient hours That I lay myself open at their seams And draw from the dictates Of my most sensitive and deepest inner reserves. *****

605

y The Ocean Of The Mind 7-29-1963 The mind can be quickly agitated as well quickly calmed. _____ 1.

Behind the doors that are the entrances to all men’s Minds Lies a labyrinth of thoughts and emotions And within them one can find A potency waiting to be wrought And a fight itching to be fought.

2.

From whatever the source may be The Mind can seize upon even the smallest thing And make it enough of a catalyst to arouse an entire Ocean Into a violent and monstrous thing.

3.

Like the Wind, the Mind need only be slightly stirred To create a tornado of raw emotions And where even a minor thing, like something only slightly inferred Could heave up Waves into the stormiest of Oceans.

4.

And those violent Waves could often have such a rolling force As to urge even quiet and adjacent Waters to also flow Exciting them into panicked courses And into places you’d never expect that they would ever go.

606

5.

The powerful Ocean of the Mind, as strong as it may be Can also be quickly and surprisingly relieved of its original alarm For just a little reasoned whisper from the Wind Can quiet down even the most agitated Sea And restore it to its senses and to all its former peaceful calm. *****

607

y The Allegory Of A Bird 8-8-1963 Our base needs take precedence over our more lofty goals. _____ 1.

Black-ridged mountains contrast sharply Against the pale-blue light of dawn And show the prominence of their dark cliffs And jagged rocky rows Making them look like Titans Standing in the sandy bases where they were born.

Here only the strongest cactus sparsely grow With their sharp and rugged needles in their finest show.

Here they thrive in the golden sands Of the flat and rugged miles of desert parched and dry.

The sand, sunburned and tumbled, smooth and clean, With its colors of brown, tan, and white everywhere Would peacefully, undisturbed and contently lie Until it’s blown into dusty clouds by a faint wind’s arid sighs.

Here, the tranquil plane meets the rock-hard mountain base And where the sun peers down With its blazing and disapproving face.

608

2.

This country was the beautiful and special terrain Where a sable-winged Bird did dwell And enjoy its shy and enchanted reign.

This lovely Bird was so magnificent In everything it did and everywhere it went.

This elegant Bird flew on massive wings Adorned with a gorgeous feathered veneer.

It stretched its lanky neck as it did loudly sing With its paeans echoing far and near And Nature gloried whenever that beautiful song it would hear.

With breadth and strength of stroke it skyward rose Keeping its lofty height by its graceful and sweeping flows.

3.

This Bird upon the waves of air did ride Maintaining its lofty height with powerful stokes of four.

It dove and soared in capricious glide With boundless energy in store The likes of which no man ever saw.

4.

But this exalted creature was still Destiny’s prey And subject to its Fate For as noble as it was, it was still subject To its primitive urges that it couldn’t deem away.

So at times it had to give up its lofty and aristocratic state To satisfy its animal hunger and quench its demanding thirst For what was for a while the least of its priorities, became its first.

609

5.

The beauty of the sand and sky that it once saw Was now temporarily dead For its brutish instincts surfaced up its wolf-like need for prey.

Everything that it once saw as the beauty of the open plains Because of hunger, it now saw as ugly and open threats instead.

The beautiful cactus needles were now seen as threatening arrays As were all the other things viewed in this base and primitive way.

Its love of the brilliant, godly Sun had also to be quit For what now only remained Was its image as a burning evil eye that the Devil himself had lit And whose scorching-burning heat had as its purposed aim To remind it of its primitive roots by its growing hunger pains.

What was once a lofty and idealistic attitude Reverted to a much more base and mundane mood.

And whatever noble thoughts that it once had were now orphaned By the simple need and quest for Food.

6.

But after it had killed its prey and had its fill And its demanding hunger was sate It again viewed all those desert scenes as beautiful and tranquil And prayed that their beautifully restored and lofty states Would never again be reduced to any lesser state.

7.

But in time the tormenting pangs of hunger resumed And its regal flight and attitude was again forced to fail.

Oh, how sadly these awkward baser needs forever loom And have to be attended to, and how they impale This noble Bird’s poor heart and interrupt its glorious sail.

610

8.

Oh, how these baser needs of ours also evacuate our minds Of all the noble thoughts that did before reside.

But then, as soon as Nature’s primitive needs have been satisfied These baser elements of Life are once again ignored And our lofty sense of Beauty is graciously restored Allowing that noble Bird, and us, to once again so gracefully soar. *****

611

y Tender Fingers (To Gwen) 9-20-1963 Remembering Gwen, who moved back to Trinidad from Brooklyn.

(To Wilson Street, St. Augustine, West Indies.) _____ Your tender fingers come to me Like spirits floating through the air And caress my waiting body everywhere.

They are so graceful, soft and warm That with every touch the twins of ecstasy And eager love are born. *****

612

y The Dream (To Gwen) 9-29-1963 A beautiful but fleeting dream of Gwen. _____ 1.

I dreamt your vision in my head As I was lying in my bed.

I dreamt it in the mute nocturnal hour Where a dim and feeble light can only cower Up against the black night’s ruling stead.

2.

I saw a soft and gentle light fall upon your face Blessing it with a warm alluring grace And within its warmth your dark eyes burned.

And there in the dark your tender lips had learned Of the silent kiss that I upon them softly placed.

3.

In my dream you were so close to me That I felt the very fire of your heart inside of me.

My head was pressed against your breasts While your tender fingers softly caressed Me, with all the love that you permitted me to share.

But soon our lips were not as one For my borrowed dream of you and I was sadly done. *****

613

y Vulture Food 10-13-1963 Our baseness after death. _____ 1.

A vulture roams the white-hot barren sheet Of the taught and torrid steaming sky Circling tirelessly and salivating for any victim’s meat That may come within the scope of its banal searching eye.

2.

And when your life finally drops away Don’t expect that you’ll ever rate Anything more honorable or noble in any way Than scavenger food for vultures That always circle in high and patient wait. *****

614

y Always To The Future 1-12-1964 As soon as one thing is finished I’m on to the next. _____ When it’s Night I wait for Dawn.

And when it’s Dawn I wait for Night.

And like an expectant father I wait for each newborn.

When something’s finished I put it out of sight And drown it in the Past’s bottomless and brackish Lake And look only to new and future things to do and make. *****

615

y My Imaginary Fleet 1-29-1964 Escapism. _____ 1.

Walk – Walk – Walk − Walk.

My footsteps are barely heard for they’re only as soft as cat’s paws Compared to the city’s rumblings, chants and caws And often completely absorbed by its harsh demonic blend.

The motley city din consumes and draws Away my spirit that once was able to rise above that din and soar But that’s now been beaten down And sadly and brutally made to bend.

2.

Walk – Walk – Walk − Walk.

I walk along the stretching adamantine streets With each step yielding a firm-laid mark in rhythmic beat.

And all the concrete cracks beneath my feet I make into a imaginary complex river system − A system on which I fabricate an imaginary fleet of ships to sail Both in calm winds and heavy gales.

616

3.

Sail – Sail – Sail − Sail I sail my little imaginary ships everywhere in front of my feet Which bolsters up my spirit’s individually And sometimes even helps me keep my sanity.

Here along these sidewalk cracks I sail my imaginary fleet To overcome my dull and often discouraging reality. *****

617

y On A Rainy February Morn 2-1-1964 Fresh views, like rain, wash the dust off stale minds. _____ My eyes are graced with this chilly rainy Morn − A Morn that’s gray and dreary but that has aroused and caught The poet in me, refreshing The droughted spirit of my soul.

This winter rain is clear and cold and born From Heaven’s freshest spring of new-born thoughts And will wash away the dust that has collected on my soul − The dust of dingy, old and common attitudes And redundant platitudes.

This rainy winter Morn gives me all the vigor new Of life afresh with its sparkling icy crystal dew.

Oh this lovely Winter rain and its pellucid misty Morning view. *****

618

y Heavy Undercurrents Of Mood 2-6-1964 A petition to Sorrow. _____ Oh, consuming Sorrow, at times you overwhelm me Both in body and in soul And wrench at my entire being whole.

I ask thee – no − I beg thee With emaciated hope, With filled and blurry eyes of heart-born tears, With emotion in excess of reason’s scope, With death’s theme so close upon my ears, With my Soul so near to losing its grip on Hope, To dispossess my soul!

Oh Sorrow, please relieve me of thy heavy toll.

And please release me from thy sudden rising waves of grief That bear no pity for me now, or show any prospect of relief.

Oh Sorrow, spare me from the monsters stirrings Of your subconscious undercurrent realms!

And spare me from my own subconscious devils that mutiny And want no less than to thwart everything that I pursue And who, if they had their way, would savagely tear me in two. *****

619

y Give Release To Me 2-18-1964 A plea for release from a worried mind. _____ I’ve been gravely pained with futile loves and hopes that were And wonder what new pains might come or past ones reoccur.

And from this, a life with little hope and meaning, Is what I see from the past and what ahead of me I can infer Making me wonder if I can stand the future seizures That Life might next on me incur.

Oh Life, please give me my release If moved by pity, you ever were! *****

620

y

On Man’s Position (From A Common Ancient Seed) (One Of Many Ripples In The Tide) 2-18-1964 Man is not so superior to other living things as he’d like to believe. _____ 1.

Is “something” better than “naught”?

Does not the earth have more weight than air?

Is not a living plant next higher on the scale as it ought To be? Does not the animal, the next tier fare?

And does not man rank above all of these things Due to his greater capacity for conceptual Thought?

Yes, Nature has evolved us to each of our levels, respectively But the conclusion that comes to me from all I see Is that we have evolved and ascended Out of not much more than primal swirling gases To our state as “Man” and that to something higher − or lower – We’ll further evolve and pass.

But while each stage may be distinct by grade and mode The Soul, I don’t think, is an entity Unique to Man and bearing the mark of only his immortality For everything − man, beast and plant − Past and Present – Has come from an ancient and common Seed That has from the beginning of time been sowed And which, even though each thing is somewhat different, Has virtually made us brethren of a common Breed.

621

2.

The stone doesn’t breathe, the plant doesn’t see, And the insect doesn’t, as much as the animal, know.

And even though Man is above all of them With his sophisticated and upright stance And his larger brain, he’s not much more or less Than the simplest cell on the ocean floor below For from the same Seed he has come − and all by Chance − And that that alone has set in motion all the future evolution That he and everything else is destined to undergo.

Man is only one little link in a progression that is infinite.

We have evolved in Nature, like all the other beings And therefore have no special rights.

Nor were our Souls, by any Higher Being, separately endowed.

Our existence is not such a special thing − nor should it be.

Rather Man is just a part of all existence and just exists Along with all the other beings on the Earth and in the Universe And this is a Truth we shouldn’t resist.

Man, as would any peering star above observe Is hardly distinguishable from the rest of life on Earth By any great degree − He lives and breathes, then gasps and dies Just like all the other creatures that Life has ever served.

622

3.

Thus Man, the self-centered creature that he is Has warped his view Of himself, thinking he’s the pilot or the helmsman of his course And that each swell of the sea is measured By what his mind prefers to endorse.

Man shouldn’t see himself as anything higher Than his fellow beings for it’s just not true But rather just as one of the many equals that co-exist with him Shoulder to shoulder and side by side.

Man should reassess just who he is and change his present view, Shrink his overinflated sense of Pride, And surrender to the fact that he is just One of many ripples in the Tide. *****

623

y On Experience 5-18-1964 Experience is the best teacher. _____ 1.

One learns best about himself and Life Through personal and in-touch experience.

And one learns even better from the mistakes he makes Because it opens up the rawest of his vulnerabilities And touches closest to his soul.

2.

There is no better training ground in Life than raw experience.

Experience is how and where you find your soul And from it is built the solid lived, rather than the shallow learned.

Life is deepest found through the experiences of the heart.

Eyes and ears alone can never learn of Life For eyes are blind and ears are deaf and neither has a heart.

3.

One learns best through conflict and through crisis.

One can’t fully understand the meaning of Peace Until he’s experienced War. The most profound appreciation of Heaven Comes to those who’ve been to Hell.

Sights and sounds are blind and mute And little more than eunuchs Unless their teacher is Experience.

624

4.

Eyes and ears meet Life but only on its surface.

To learn of Life you have to get below the surface.

You can’t appreciate Life until you feel the threat of losing it − Until you’re cut and see your own blood flowing.

Only through experience − Through real and personal experience − Will you ever really know about Life and Death.

You sometimes have to touch Death itself To get the true feel of Life. *****

625

y Melancholy And Depression 5-21-1964 Wishing I could free myself of these two demons. _____ What is this recurring mood that chokes my soul And comes through secret doors to strike my spirits down?

The moonlight, once abundant in its creamy flowing gown Used to warm me and thus I always welcomed it to stay.

But now it’s just the dreary haunting remnant of a forlorn day.

This mood I’m in fills my eyes and ears and heart with grief And creates a filmy vapor that dims my vision And shows me little sign of relief.

Many times I have enjoyed the moonlight and the night But now each hue and sound Beckons forth sad disparities within my soul.

Each thing that used to be a joyful sight and sound Is now a phantom of despair Whose origin and birth I don’t rightly know Nor do I know in which direction it is bound.

I always wonder if someday I’ll ever find that pair Of jailor’s keys that will fit the locks on the dingy cells Of Melancholy and Depression so I can let these “lifers” go And rid myself of these unruly tenants from Hell And free up some room in my over-crowed soul. *****

626

y A Dance Of Wind And Rain 6-8-1964 Observations on a windy rainy night. _____ 1.

Tonight it’s teeming with a wind-blown almost horizontal rain Making each speeding droplet look like hail That has attached to every one of its icy water grains A translucent meteor-like tail.

2.

All the concrete buildings and the streets are dark And dim, from all the rain that they’ve absorbed Making them sharp contrasts against the raindrops’ shiny marks As they fall like little shooting stars all smoothly orbed.

3.

The rain flies all about, obeying without question All the wind’s commands.

But some rain drops manage to collect themselves amidst the fray Along the under sides of the city’s hanging wires Making them look like strands Of shiny pearls − like elegant necklaces on display.

Oh this lovely and exciting dance of wind and rain That has me mesmerized and dreaming once again. *****

627

y Someday My Death?

(On Officer Candidate School) 7-18-1964 A particularly heavy moment of self-doubt and depression.

(Written when I was considering dropping out of the Naval Officer Candidate School in Newport, Rhode Island.) _____ 1.

Although I’ve had this depressing feeling A number of times before And have written about it too I’ll do so here and now once more For each time that it surfaces It cuts me like a knife And begs to be heard again.

2.

After so many hopeless moods and depressing states Have come and gone I fear that there may come one Where I’ll be overwhelmed by the thought of more to come And choose to accelerate my fate.

3.

I can see a time when some depression might fall on me So heavy that it might just be The straw that breaks my bowed and weakened back And have me wishing not to see tomorrow.

628

4.

Someday I feel That circumstances may arrange themselves And cause the death I shall perhaps myself induce To escape the dismal future that I foresee ahead of me.

5.

Perhaps it’s all for the best that I give up on Life Which never did a thing for me.

Perhaps it’s best that I chose Death instead of Life So as to never have to deal with it again.

Perhaps it’s best to deprive Life of me, one of its favorite toys.

Perhaps Death is the best cure for whatever it is that ails me.

6.

I often feel that I never have the right solutions in my head And will never find the relief I’m looking for And that on one depressing day Or in one dark and lonely night I might make that sad and loneliest decision of all − The decision to just end it all. *****

629

y I Lie Amidst The Silence Of My Room 9-16-1963 A worried mind thinking too much and too deeply. _____ As I lie within the silence of my room Amidst the hatred of my gloom I can only utter for this Life I face, a secret and depressing sigh.

And as I listen to the deafening silence I almost wish to die.

Oh, will this sad and ghostly visage forever loom In front of me, or will it end peacefully sometime soon? *****

630

y Buyer Beware 12-3-2013 Exercise caution when selling hopes and dreams. _____ 1.

My job is selling hopes and dreams To both the desperate And the hopeful.

2.

I sell hopes and dreams for the future To anyone who needs or wants them.

3.

Some of them have a chance of coming true While others are pure fantasy.

4.

When someone’s down And just needs a little bit of encouragement To help him get through his issues I sell him a little hope or dream.

But when someone’s got more serious problems Or is on the borderline of unreality My hopes and dreams will only exacerbate things.

631

5.

In most cases It’s a rewarding business I’m in.

But it’s also a dangerous one at times For me, the seller And for my customers, the buyers.

6.

So I always give the following advice: To myself: “Be careful of what you sell And to whom you sell it Making sure that it’s suitable.”

And to my customers: “Buyer beware.” *****

632

y Just Before Dawn 12-7-2013 Pre-dawn is the worst time of day for me. _____ 1.

The worst time of the day for me Is just before dawn When it’s still pitch black and cold And I know That I have to get up soon and face the day.

2.

Just before dawn Is when I review and regret All my past mistakes And worry about the new ones that I’ll make.

3.

Do others dread this dark and pre-dawn time of day Like I do Or is it just me being a scaredy-cat?

Is it just me who gets so angst about it Like some child having a nightmare And hiding under his covers?

633

4.

Is it just me Who can’t handle his devils And keep them from running wild?

5.

Is it just me Who has such difficulty In getting out of his morning fetal position?

6.

In this dark pre-dawn hour It’s like I’m in a cave With my knees tucked under my chin And my arms holding them tightly against my chest Listening to the wolves outside Frozen in fear That they’ll sniff me out.

7.

The worst time of day for me Is just before dawn When it’s pitch black and cold And the wolves are all about. *****

634

y They Become Our Classics 1-11-2014 Repetitious storytelling in our old age. _____ 1.

In our old age We don’t create many new stories Rather We are relegated to reciting old ones – The stories of our lives.

2.

These stories are our plays And we are the actors in them Which we perform for our audiences.

3.

And while they may be of limited interest They are all we have left to represent us.

4.

These plays in time become classics − At least to us.

And like all classic actors We proudly practice our lines to perfection. *****

635

y

When You’re A Worry-Wart 4-4-2014 The symptoms of being a worry-wart. _____ 1.

Even small things Become big things − When you’re a worry-wart.

2.

Every small worry Assumes the size and proportion Of a big and serious one − When you’re a worry-wart.

3.

Every small event Can easily balloon Into a mammoth one − When you’re a worry-wart.

4.

Even the simple acts of daily living Can often take on the same life and death gravity As when you’re dealing with a tragedy − When you’re a worry-wart.

636

5.

Little things Can occupy your attention Just as much or even more Than big ones − When you’re a worry-wart.

6.

Proportions and priorities get warped, Midgets become giants, Curiosities become obsessions, Shadows become black holes, Questions become accusations, Informal target dates become unforgiving deadlines, And dreams become nightmares − When you’re a worry-wart.

7.

A little thorn in your paw Can be as painful as a knife in your heart − When you’re a worry-wart. *****

637

y My Heart Is Sore (To Carol Lee Johnson) 11-25-1965 Written on the heels of Carol’s polite rejection.

(I met Carol, a Southern Belle, when stationed on the USS Loeser (DE 680) in the Washington Navy Yard.) _____ My heart is sore for it was felled Down, down into a hopeless sea.

And when it was alone it cried and swelled With the deep and painful memory Of a girl who was never meant for me. *****

638

y Carol, What Holds Your Letter?

(To Carol Lee Johnson) 11-26-1965 I wrote to Carol about how I felt our relationship might proceed.

I waited but her reply never came. _____ 1.

What holds your letter, Carol?

I wrote to you and now I await your reply.

And as I wait I prepare myself to accept Whatever it might say or imply.

2.

I prepare myself for the deepest possible hurt That this letter might convey.

And as I wait I wonder What is it that holds your letter? *****

639

y The Night Drapes Around Me 1-21-1966 The merging of things and self. _____ 1.

As the night drapes around me The only sounds I hear Are the shuffling echoes of my bones For tonight I am one with this dark, dark night.

2.

The weaver and the silkworm Endorse each other’s fame But often times They’re one and the same. *****

640

y A Cinderella New York City Bar Girl 4-19-1968 Fantasies of a Cinderella-dreaming bar girl. _____ 1.

“Soon, I’ll be out of here”, She breathed to a friend with a sigh.

“No more sexy dancing tonight − No more showing off my breasts to customers For a buck or two − For soon I’ll be out of here And regain my dignity.”

2.

And as she walked home She fanaticized to herself: “I’ve heard of people writing poems to their secret loves And just wonder if someone who I served tonight Saw something special in my eyes And is now writing a poem for me.”

3.

And when she got home She couldn’t let go of that thought And fed her fantasy some more: “I wonder if some patron Prince I served tonight Just might have seen some Cinderella qualities in me And will return someday to rescue me?”

641

4.

And as she turned out the light And put her head down on her pillow She stared up at the ceiling And recited the words That embodied the dream That she’s held onto all her life, “I wonder if maybe someone, somewhere, Is writing a poem for me.” *****

642

y Too Much Of A Dream 4-22-1968 Do not expect life to give you much peace. _____ You were happy when you fell asleep But sometime later you began to weep.

Did you expect a night without remorse?

Did you expect a clear divorce From pain? Dreamer you!

That’s all too much of a dream for you − Or anyone to keep. *****

643

y The Subways 11-18-1968 Your past experiences always remain with you. _____ 1.

My mind is tired and constantly fading in and out.

The subway fans are screaming loud − Why can’t they fix those noisy things?

Some people are politely whispering While others are talking and laughing loud And some woman is complaining because she has to stand.

2.

My eyes are very tired and begin to roll As this long, long day is beginning to take its toll.

3.

Simple notions in my head soon heat up into boiling thoughts That then dissolve into simply naughts.

“Why do people have to drop their papers on the floor That wind up blowing all over the place?”

4.

As the subway car races through the tunnel Its metal wheels screech to piecing heights that make me wince.

And the tunnel lights become like blinding strobe lights Flashing through the windows which somehow resurrect in me A collage of painful memories.

644

5.

Like a rain drop that catches on a leaf And hangs there like some intruding thief Here I am Caught in the subway By old and painful memories That are uninvited and unwelcomed.

6.

Here I am Caught by old and painful memories And forced to watch and listen, To absorb and be absorbed, And to be callously punished by them.

7.

Here I am Wondering about life And all its punishments and rewards.

8.

And here I am Wondering further About who is ever immune From the stalking memories Of where they’ve been And what they’ve seen? *****

645

y She’s Been The Saddest Heartbreak Of My Life (On Bich-Thuy) 12-5-1969 Still attracted to Thuy, I visited her in Hawaii on my return from a trip through Asia, but was saddened to find it was still an impossible love due to her continued idealistic ways of thinking. _____ 1.

When I stopped over in Hawaii to see Thuy I felt that I was “home” again And felt her presence everywhere The minute I landed.

2.

I was constantly reminded Of just how much I still missed and wanted her.

I saw her face everywhere I looked.

I felt her hands in mine And how delicate they were.

And I felt her warmth against me Just the way it was two years ago.

3.

If only she were just a little different − A little more compromising − A little more practical − A little less idealistic.

646

4.

But as I wished I also wondered If I’d still love her If she were any other way.

If she changed for me Would she still be the princess That I saw her as?

Would she still have That magic spell over me?

5.

So here I am Feeling her all around me once again Both beautifully and sadly As I always have And as it’s always been with her.

6.

She’s been my dearest And most beautiful of loves But also The saddest heartbreak of my life. *****

647

y In The Deep Of A Bar In Thailand 12-16-1969 Inspired after returning from “The Apartment”, which was a night club located in a seedy part of downtown Bangkok.

(The owner shined a flash light into the faces of the bar girls to help me chose the one I wanted which I thought was pretty dehumanizing.) _____ 1.

In the deep of the bar All the painted girls flirted up to me.

Though money was their primary motive They were warmer and more lady-like in their approach Than their U.S. counterparts Which difference meant a lot to me that night.

2.

The world is mostly use and be used − More or less − And the draw and power of the flesh Sways us all with its moon and tide effect.

3.

Oh, how a pretty young face, A shy and inviting eye, A touch in the dark in a far off exotic land Makes everything exciting And pushes both caution and reality aside. *****

648

y Moonlight By The Bed 4-12-1998 Moonlight always stirs my imagination. _____ 1.

Just before I went to bed something caught my eye.

It was a little square of moonlight on the floor That had slipped in through the window And laid itself down like a lazy old dog.

2.

And when I looked outside I saw the moonlight there as well Spread out on the ground Like a blanket of pale gray ashes.

3.

And looking up at the sky I saw the full-faced moon Staring down at me Like a Monarch upon her servant.

4.

And as I stood there I felt so small and insignificant As if I were a peasant In the presence of the Queen. *****

649

y The Lure Of Melancholy 11-14-1998 Sometimes I get snagged by melancholy. _____ 1.

Melancholy follows me everywhere: Tugging at my sleeve Whispering in my ear Seducing me with its tempting sweet talk.

2.

Although I try to close my ears To Melancholy’s sly temptations Sadly and all too often I fall for its seductive lies.

3.

Melancholy fishes for me too: Baiting every hook, Timing every cast − Quiet, patient, confident − Watching for the ripples in the water That will give my position away.

650

4.

So skilled is Melancholy in her trade And so weak am I to resist her seductions That with sad predictability I so often take the bait. *****

651

y How NaĂŻve 5-16-1999 Worries replace themselves. _____ 1.

I tell myself that someday All my worries and maladies Will be cured.

2.

How naĂŻve is that?!

For in reality With every heartache I resolve Another one takes its place.

3.

For every boil I lance Another one Comes pushing through. *****

652

y Keep Up Your Vigilance 5-16-1999 Being a tender target. _____ 1.

The beasts are waiting in the bush With their mouth’s salivated And their eyes bulging Keenly fixed upon your throat.

2.

Never breaking off their stare They slowly and silently inch up closer Through the prairie grass To get their clearest run at you.

3.

Keep your vigilance up You young and tender gazelles! *****

653

y Just You And Me Old Spider 9-9-2000 Two worlds that came together. _____ 1.

“Please continue working on your silvery web As I won’t disturb you And rather just watch you quietly From my chair across the porch For tonight It’s just you and me, old spider.”

2.

The humid night air was so refreshing As it lightly touched my face.

And as it touched the spider’s web It created tiny beads of water That looked like sparkling jewels Or shiny little stars suspended in the air.

And in the background Was the choir music of a billion insects.

Oh what magic is in this night.

654

3.

“It’s just you and me, old spider.

Though separated all our lives Each in our respective worlds Tonight we find ourselves together For this little interlude.”

4.

“So here we are Separate But together In a larger world On this special night.

It’s just you and me, old spider.” *****

655

y The Stone In His Pocket 10-5-2000 Finding steadfast security. _____ 1.

He looked around At all the threatening faces And was thrown into an instant panic.

He looked inside himself for strength and courage But found nothing that would calm his terror.

He was all alone.

2.

But when he reached into his pocket He found a little polished stone Which he grabbed onto As if it were a life preserver Which provided him Some immediate and surprising relief.

3.

It was his touchtone – His lightning rod − That grounded his nervous energy That had nowhere else to go.

It was a magic stone That calmed his runaway fears.

656

4.

It was his prayer beads, His holy card, His rabbit foot, And his lucky charm.

It was his friend.

5.

He fondled that stone incessantly.

It was his ally, His comrade, And his advisor.

It was his guarding angel.

He wasn’t alone anymore.

He wasn’t alone against the crowd.

It wasn’t just him anymore.

6.

With that little stone He was able to calm his fears and keep his courage up.

It also gave him confidence in himself With the knowledge That it would never abandon him Like even some of his most loyal friends sometimes did.

7.

That little polished stone Was the most fortuitous thing That ever happened to him And that saved him from the brink that day.

He wasn’t alone anymore Nor would he ever be again. ***** 657

y To Be The Kindest (Remembering Bich-Thuy) (San Francisco) 10-13-1967 Remembering a time at Ala Wai Canal in Waikiki, when Thuy, being a Buddhist, stopped me from killing a cockroach. _____ 1.

When I went to step on a little cockroach She stopped me, “No, Neil, no!”, she begged.

She was visibly upset And cried upon my chest.

2.

Through her tears she explained to me That she wanted to remember me As the kindest person she had ever known and loved And was afraid that I’d become a lesser person If I killed that little thing.

3.

I was shocked into a different world.

She was so different − So very, very different. *****

658

y The Waiting Room (On Retirement) 4-22-2014 An exaggerated analogy about retirement. _____ 1.

I ducked off the noisy and congested street And into a quiet building And then Into an even more quiet waiting room.

2.

I’m out of the action now.

I’m out of the competition For I’m retired now − Retired from the busy streets.

3.

So here I am Sitting in this waiting room Quietly reading old magazines − Just waiting for That big heavy door in front of me − That I can’t stop staring at − To open And for Dr. Death to yell out, “Next?” *****

659

y Mayflies 3-7-2012 Our lives are like those of simple mayflies. _____ 1.

We are born, live and then die Similarly as fast, furious and meaningless As mayflies.

2.

After our mothers’ screams at birth, A short burst of life, And a quick mating We’ll flutter and fall to the ground Twitching and sucking in our final breaths After which we’ll be gone.

3.

This is the short and programmed life we have Which is not much more Than the one-day lives of mayflies − In the overall scheme of things. *****

660

y Waiting To Be Led 1-22-2013 We are similar to pack animals in many respects. _____ 1.

Unsure of ourselves And afraid to be leaders We willingly wait for the bridles To be put around our necks And the bits in our mouths.

2.

And just like pack animals We wait for our burdens To be placed on our backs.

3.

And just like all docile animals We wait for our riders to mount us And lead us where they wish.

4.

So here we stand At our hitching post Waiting for our packs and our riders − Waiting to be led. *****

661

y His Cross-Eyed Obsession 2-16-2013 How a small thing can become a big thing. _____ 1.

As soon as he began speaking at the podium He noticed a little hair Growing on the end of his nose.

It was annoying – And annoying at the most awkward of times – When he was giving his presentation.

2.

In time it began to really bother him.

It began to get to him Causing him to look at it More and more.

3.

Many in the audience Wondered why He occasionally went cross-eyed.

4.

He somehow Just couldn’t ignore That little hair on the end of his nose.

662

5.

While it was only a little thing It became a big thing with him − As it became his big Cross-eyed obsession. *****

663

y A Little Companion Star 2-17-2013 A little star next to a big moon. _____ 1.

I looked up at the sky And saw a big bright moon – A bold and brilliant moon − Secure and self-confident.

2.

We looked at each other And I knew who was boss.

3.

Then I noticed a little star Nestled right next to the moon And wondered what it was doing there.

Was it looking for: Companionship, protection or warmth?

4.

Needing no answer I was content Just to gaze at its sparkling beauty And think about the circumstances That had brought us together tonight. *****

664

y Looking For A Motto (My Battle Cry And Lullaby) 7-21-2001 Looking for an inspirational saying for daily living. _____ 1.

I’m searching for some type of motto − Some inspirational words That I can use in my daily life To bolster up my spirits When I need to.

2.

I’m searching for some words of wisdom − Some words of inspiration − Some words to give me the spirit and the strength To help me counter Any sorrow, worry or regret That may confront me.

3.

I’m searching for an inspirational saying That I can hold inside of me And draw on when I need to − One on which I could meditate or recite aloud − One that would help me make it through my days But more so through my nights.

665

4.

I’m searching for an inspirational phrase or motto That will last me all my life − Something that will serve the dual purpose Of repelling outside threats And quelling any insurgents from within.

5.

I’m searching for a simple inspirational Motto, proverb, saying or whatever That I can use As both my battle cry And my bedtime lullaby. *****

666

y I Refuse To Go To Heaven Without The Animals (Manila, Philippines) 8-15-2001 Our elitist thinking with respect to animals. _____ 1.

We used to think That we were the center of the Universe And that everything revolved around us But over time all that changed.

2.

It used to be insulting heresy To think that we evolved from the apes.

We thought we couldn’t ever be a part Of such a primitive process Or come from such a lowly origin.

But that all changed as well.

3.

But what hasn’t changed as yet Is our misguided belief That we are somehow extra-special In the eyes of God − That we alone are made In His image and His likeness.

That’s what we’re taught And that’s what we believe.

667

4.

We’re also taught That the Kingdom of Heaven is ours And ours alone.

5.

But as for me I can’t believe we’re all that privileged And have such a favored link to God. I therefore lodge my protest Against such elitist, self-centered And aristocratic thinking.

6.

Rather, I believe That we and all the other animals Have more in common than we’d like to admit − That our fellow animals Have the same broad band of inalienable rights as we have.

I also believe − Based on both common sense and logic − That if we have souls Then they do too.

7.

So until man And his religions Recognize That the animals have souls too I refuse to go to Heaven Without the animals!

668

8.

But since this thinking Has little chance of changing It looks as though I won’t be going to Heaven Anytime soon. *****

669

y A Face Deformed (Korea) 8-16-2001 The daily humiliation she has to endure.

(Inspired by an experience in the airport in Seoul.) _____ 1.

Her face was horribly deformed And conspicuously stood out Against the sea of normal faces in the crowd.

2.

When I first saw her Tears welled up in my eyes − Enough perhaps for her to notice For our eyes briefly met.

3.

I cried inside For I could feel her pain As if it were my own − The pain I know she has to bear Every day of her life.

670

4.

Ironically If she were crippled And unable to get around She’d be spared the tortures of public display − Or if she were blind She’d be saved from the stares she gets.

But unfortunately No such relief has been afforded her.

5.

Her face remains Heavy on my mind And more so Heavy on my heart.

6.

Oh god What bravery she must have to summon up Each and every day. *****

671

y A Second Chance 10-8-2001 Having to work doubly hard to make a decent showing. _____ 1.

Why won’t the sun give in And shine on me?

Why must I always have to settle For the dim and secondhand light of the moon?

2.

Why am I not so liked, respected, trusted, or believed in As much as others are?

Why can’t my personality deliver What I want it to?

Why can’t I make a decent first impression?

And if I do make one Why won’t it last?

3.

So I sit here In the quiet shadows of this night And write.

Writing is my second chance in life − My chance to make a second and better impression Than my personality did The first time around.

672

4.

Through my writings I have a second chance To present myself In a better light than I had in person − A second chance To better explain myself And make up for the first − A chance To set the record straight.

5.

Through my writings I have a second chance to leave behind In death What I couldn’t get across In life − To give Death A chance to do for me What Life Somehow couldn’t do. *****

673

y

Where My Failings Don’t Count So Much 10-19-2001 Looking for a place where things aren’t judged so harshly. _____ 1.

I’d like to live in a place Where my faults and failures Don’t count so much As here.

2.

For here The criticisms of my peers As well as those I put upon myself Are often so severe that I’m thinking that There has to be a better and more forgiving place Than here.

3.

Despite how tough I think I am Sticks and stones Do break my bones So I need to find A kinder and gentler place Than here.

674

4.

Dear Guardian Angel Put your arm around my shoulder And lead me to that other more forgiving place Where my faults and failures Don’t count so much As here. *****

675

y The First Note Of The Music 11-5-2001 The first note in a piece of music is the lead note. _____ 1.

The first note of a piece of music Is a special note.

It’s a first love And the first exciting touch Of a love affair.

2.

Music is my joy And the notes in every piece of music I play Have their own personas.

3.

But the first note is a special one As it sets the tone for the entire piece And requires a proper and respectful introduction That cannot be rushed.

4.

Therefore Before I strike that first note I sit in silence for a measured period of time Allowing it to get comfortable with me.

676

5.

It’s a time to make eye, mind and heart contact And get to know each other.

It’s the time build up trust between us Before we nod and say we’re ready To collaborate and play together.

6.

If I rush it It would be a sign of disrespect And I’d lose not only the cooperation of the first note But its endorsement of me to the other notes.

7.

Losing the endorsement of the first note Would begin the piece on a sour note From which all the other notes would take their lead And the entire piece would go badly.

8.

It’s so important at the outset therefore To gain the trust and respect of that first note As the first impression is a lasting impression That will carry on through the whole performance.

9.

That little silence wait Also represents drama.

It’s a drum roll.

It’s a breath held.

It’s caution.

It’s excitement.

It’s musical foreplay.

677

10.

The first note in a piece of music Is a virgin note And the first exciting touch Of a love affair. *****

678

y My Imaginary Audience 11-21-2001 Playing the piano for my friends and enemies. _____ 1.

When I play the piano I often imagine That I have an audience − An audience of those Who never thought I could play.

2.

I also imagine The surprised look on their faces When they see me sit down at the piano − And an even greater surprised look When they actually hear me play.

3.

For the people I like I play to please them.

And for those I don’t like I play to show them up.

679

4.

So depending on the audience − Friend or foe − I’m playing either For them Or against them.

5.

For my friends I play for them and for their pleasure Knowing that they’ll appreciate it.

And for my enemies I play against them and for their consternation And to rub their noses in it.

6.

I won’t try to analyze The whys and wherefores of it all For it’s just a little Benign, harmless and imaginary game I play.

In fact, in many ways it’s quite constructive In that it not only adds a little theater to it all It also makes me practice more. *****

680

y My Paintings Are Kind Of Shy 1-27-2002 Two of my oil painting are quietly hanging in the house. _____ 1.

Two of my attempts at painting Are hanging on the 3rd floor of our home.

They were the ones I felt Were somewhat worth hanging − Not good enough for prominent display − But good enough for hanging At least somewhere in the house.

All the others Are hiding in the attic.

2.

You’ll never see these children twins of mine − At least not right away − For they’re very shy and self-conscious And prefer to keep themselves out of the limelight.

3.

Being the insecure and modest things they are They worry about their looks And how they’ll be received Should they ever be discovered.

681

4.

And so My two little paintings – My two little Shy, timid and apprehensive paintings − Will always prefer to keep themselves Discretely in the background And away from all conspicuous view. *****

682

y Only Scales Apart 3-20-2002 Aliens wouldn’t see much difference among Earth’s creatures. ______ 1.

When viewed from a far enough distance away An apartment building appears to be Little different from a bee hive − Nothing more than a fabricated structure With a lot of living chambers Made by a lot little creatures For their habitat.

2.

Looking from afar Is there really any major difference Between chambers in a hive And rooms in an apartment house?

There isn’t.

Not fundamentally.

3.

Also Is there any fundamental difference Between the fact that bees fly in And people walk in?

Not really.

Not fundamentally.

683

4.

So, to the eyes of any aliens Who might be watching us Any differences between the two Would merely be technical differences And not fundamental differences at all.

5.

The same is true With respect to all the creatures Living here on earth − There’s no fundamental difference among us − From: Looks, to mobility, to metabolism From: Sex to social structures and whatever else.

We have all evolved along a common path In a common system And with common results And all ending up Not fundamentally different From one another.

6.

The insects, animals and we Are basically the same − More the same than different − And different Only as to size, form and sophistication − More or less the same And only scales apart. *****

684

y Learning To Fly 3-29-2002 Escaping Life’s problems. _____ 1.

When my worries get too much for me I close my eyes and imagine that I can fly.

2.

To escape my earth-bound worries I’ve taught myself to fly!

3.

My flights are never very high And I have to struggle To barely get off the ground.

They are also not for very long And only last about a minute or two.

But in both cases It’s just enough for me to get away And to qualify as flying.

685

4.

Someday I hope to improve my flying skills − Enough to free myself From all my earthly bonds And gracefully soar the heights of the sky With freedom and ease Whenever I want, As high as I want, And for as long as I want.

5.

Oh how happy and confident I would be Just knowing that no trouble of mine Could ever again Catch me on the ground.

6.

Someday I hope to able to live In a towering tree top Far and away From all my troubles on the ground And all because I’ve learned how to fly. *****

686

y I Bring My Prey Back Home 10-24-2002 The prey for my poems. _____ 1.

When I’m hungry I go out and hunt for prey: Which can be an observation; An impression; A reaction; A memory; A hurt; A joy − Or whatever strikes a resonant chord in me.

These are the prey I hunt.

These are the sparks of inspiration From which I write.

2.

When I’ve secured enough prey I drag them home Watchfully guarding them Against other predators – The predators: Of memory loss, Distraction, And competing thoughts.

687

3.

And when I get them home I make a satisfying meal of them By writing a poem or two.

4.

For a while I’m filled and satisfied But in time I get hungry again And another hunt begins. *****

688

y

They’ll Never Find My Tank On Empty 10-25-2002 I’ll always be working on something. _____ 1.

With every book I read I come across a name or quote of someone Whose works I’d like to read sometime − Of some philosopher, writer, statesman, thinker, poet Or whomever − Like Espinoza, Erasmus, Sir Thomas Moore, Plato, Aristotle, Cicero or Sir Francis Bacon.

One book or name leads to another.

2.

Rather than being frustrated Over the ever-growing list of books I’d like to read I’m exhilarated and say to myself, “Look at all the books that I can read And that’ll keep me busy Throughout my final days.”

3.

It’s the same as with my list of projects That’s also constantly expanding In number, scope, and complexity For they too will keep me busy For the rest of my life.

689

4.

So with so many things already in progress And a constant stream Of new things being added on My tank is always being topped off So that when I die They’ll never find my tank On “Empty”! *****

690

y Just To Have Decided 11-16-2002 The pure relief of making a decision. _____ 1.

I’m so indecisive That decision making Has always been extremely hard for me.

I decide − then I undecide.

Back and forth I go Always collecting more and more information That I then have to deal with and evaluate Before making a decision.

2.

I have to weigh all the factors Multiple times and in multiple ways and combinations Each one of which Takes time and energy And builds up a lot of pressure in me.

3.

And when I finally do decide It’s always at the 11th hour − At the last possible moment − When I’m in extremis And or at the brink.

691

4.

But once I have decided The overbearing pressure of indecision Is instantly relieved And I can finally move ahead In some definitive direction Instead of turning around and around In pressure-building and dizzying circles.

5.

Oh what a relief it is for me Just to have decided.

6.

And whether my decision Is good or bad Or right or wrong Is of relatively little importance Compared to the relief I get From the simple fact Of having finally Decided! *****

692

y Please Keep Me Off This Ledge 11-20-2002 Seeking to be counseled away from suicide. _____ 1.

Here I am standing on this ledge Screwing up my courage to jump − Waiting for the next and final wave of despondency To sweep over me − Waiting for my tipping point to be reached.

2.

Oh Reason and Compassion Grab me by the back of the neck And force me to look down and over the edge So that I can see Just how long, far and final that drop really is Which then might scare me into changing my mind And climbing back through that window That’s still open for me.

3.

Oh Mercy Keep your hand on my shoulder And check my impulse and temptation To end it all.

693

4.

The blood is pounding in my head As I question myself, “Is this the last I’ll ever see of anything?”

5.

Please god Turn my head in a new direction.

Turn it up instead of down.

And please dear god Give my poor heart Just a little whiff of hope − Just enough to keep me off this ledge That I sometimes find myself on. *****

694

y This Will Be My Future (A Surreal Thing) 2-3-2003 A surreal experience.

(Written while walking to my car at the Riverside CT train station.) _____ 1.

I stepped off the train platform And into the air. ~ I could see a bell ringing But couldn’t hear its sound. ~ The ground cracked open between my legs And moved in opposite directions. ~ I walked with animals Who weren’t afraid of me − Nor I of them. ~ Someone was talking to me But I didn’t know who. ~ The end that used to be ahead of me Was now behind me. ~ I couldn’t see anything But yet, I saw everything. ~

695

2.

I saw the future But for some reason it had already past. ~ I was hungry But I didn’t feel like eating. ~ I was happy But then, why was I crying? ~ 3.

Who was I and where was I? And what was this world I was in?

4.

There was a ceiling but no floor So what was it that I was walking on? ~ I was awake But felt like I was dreaming. ~ I remembered everything But couldn’t recall a thing. ~ 5.

I’d extended my hand And marveled at the simplicity And the beauty of its shape. ~ I also saw the entire world As a tiny blue and white marble Resting in the palm of my hand. ~

696

6.

I was told That this would be my future From now on But also, that my future Would actually be my past.

7.

I was told That this was the way That things would be for me From now on But I can’t recall who told me that And whether I should believe it or not. *****

697

y Looking In 3-28-2003 An envious outsider metaphorically looking in. _____ 1.

As I passed by a window I noticed a lovely family In their living room.

2.

Everything seemed so peaceful There on the inside With soft lights Warming every corner of the room.

3.

But on the outside Where I am It’s very cold And my ears are filled With the howling wind With gusts so strong That I can hardly keep my balance.

698

4.

My coat is flapping wildly And an icy rain Is dripping down The back of my neck.

5.

I’m on the outside looking in – Looking into A vastly different world from mine.

6.

It’s then that Envy Takes me by the arm And has a little talk with me. *****

699

y Reality And Fantasy (Las Vegas) 4-19-2003 We often need a little fantasy to offset reality. _____ 1.

Reality: I have three meals a day of you − Three meals of tasteless gruel Every single day − Morning, noon and night.

2.

Fantasy: You are the spice That helps my tasteless meals go down; My sweet after dinner drink; That romantic whisper in my ear; That feather-kiss upon my cheek; My lover in the night; And my antidote to Reality.

700

3.

Oh, Reality: I know you are the reigning King And that I’ll have to bow to you For most of my life.

But, Fantasy: You are my surrogate King Who makes our sovereign King’s tyrannical rule So much more bearable.

4.

So Fantasy: I hereby give you A standing invitation To come and visit the palace Whenever the real King’s not around − Or is looking the other way − And to assume the throne As my acting and benevolent King For as long as you can. *****

701

y That Tiny Other World (Only Scales Apart) 11-2-2003 A world just like ours. _____ 1.

While I was on my hands and knees Pulling up weeds I noticed – As if for the first time − Another world − A tiny other world − Living in the lawn.

2.

I saw: A spider’s silken thread Being stretched between two blades of grass; A little cricket Hopping on its way; A slug, smaller than I’d ever seen Slithering across a rock; A little ant Working hard at dragging some food back to its nest; A little seed Straining to break the surface aiming for the sun; And twenty living roots for every clump of grass Knotted in the soil.

702

3.

On and on it went − In that tiny other world That is just as complex and structurally organized As the larger one that we live in − Virtually the same Just on a different scale − Only scales apart.

4.

There are worlds within worlds.

Within our macro world There are a billion micro worlds Each one of which Is a mirrored image of the structure Of the macro world.

5.

So as I’m pulling up my weeds I’m in another world – A world within a world – A world almost identical to mine – Only smaller – And only scales apart. *****

703

y But Here I Am The Undisputed King 5-4-2004 The undisputed King by default. _____ 1.

I love science, music, and philosophy And other serious subjects.

But few love what I love At least not to the degree or type as I Which makes me sometimes feel Somewhat alone and isolated.

2.

I often feel like I’m on an island somewhere Or in a strange and completely different land; Or like I’m wandering in a desert Making empty footprints in the sand That vanish behind me with the next gust of wind; Or like I’m trying to out-yell the wind Or out-stare the sun; Or like I’m the “Ancient Mariner” * Trying to tell a story that no one really wants to hear. * Referring to the poem, “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner”

by Samuel Taylor Coleridge

704

3.

All is not completely dismal though As there is a compensating benefit: For while on the one hand I’m all alone in this lonely land of mine On the other hand By default I am its sole and undisputed King. *****

705

y All The Heaven That I Know 7-25-2004 About love and lovers. _____ 1.

Place your hand in mine And look into my eyes.

2.

Press your body next to mine So I can hear your heart In pace with mine.

3.

Put your breath upon my ear And your lips upon my cheek.

4.

Put your tongue inside my mouth And take me back to the heaven That I used to know with you When love was all so new And forever young. *****

706

y We Sit Next To Death The Whole Train Ride 10-12-2004 Death is a regular passenger. _____ 1.

Each day another person boards the Train.

Everyone has a reservation Including the one reserved for Death Who will dutifully ride that Train To the end of the line.

2.

During each and every trip Death speaks to a few selected passengers: To the unlucky and the weak, To the careless and the reckless, To the old and sick, And to the blessed and the damned.

Sooner or later Death speaks to everyone.

707

3.

Death carefully chooses who it sits beside And who it speaks to And if it chooses you There’s nothing you can do about it.

You can’t get up and change your seat As it’s against the rules − And besides There are no seats That are unreserved.

4.

And when Death turns to you And tells you That it’s your stop You’ll have to leave the Train Just like all the others have Before you.

5.

Death speaks to each and every one of us One by one − Always making room For new arrivals. *****

708

y Somewhere In Between 10-20-2004 A divided existence. _____ 1.

There’s a good world And there’s an evil world And I live in neither one of them Exclusively.

2.

I sometimes live in one And sometimes in the other.

I have dual citizenship And freely travel back and forth between the two.

My loyalties are evenly divided Somewhere in between the two.

3.

I’m often caught in the middle And caught confused; ~ With one foot here And the other one foot there; ~ With one foot on the ground And the other one in the air; ~

709

Walking on the left side Then on the right; ~ But on average Somewhere in between.

4.

I’m a man without a country Or a home; ~ A man who’s on a journey But always only half way there; ~ On a ship far out at sea In the middle of the ocean; ~ Friends with God But also with the Devil.

5.

It seems to me that I’m a man Who’s always Somewhere in between. *****

710

y

If I Didn’t Have My Pains (I Might Never Write) 11-9-2004 The source of inspiration for my writing. ______ 1.

If I didn’t have my hurts and discontentments − If I didn’t have my worries, moods and doubts − I might never write a single line of poetry For they’re so often the sources of my inspiration.

2.

They are: The sparks that set the fires, The agitators that provoke reactions, The noises that keep me up at night, The questions that beg for answers, The moon that makes me howl at night, The wanderlust that keeps me moving, The muses that frame my words, And the spirits that give my poems their meaning.

3.

If I didn’t have my hurts and discontentments – If I didn’t have my worries, moods and my doubts − If I were perfectly content with everything − I might never write at all. *****

711

y Don Quixote 2-9-2005 I press on perhaps like some Don Quixote.

(A character from novel “The Ingenious Gentleman Don Quixote of La Mancha� by Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra.) _____ 1.

Am I fighting windmills like Don Quixote did?

Am I entertaining phantoms in my head?

Is anything I do of any substance?

Is there any value to my writings or my music?

Do they show any promise to the world Who will be their ultimate judge?

Or will they only be the fruit That will never ripen enough to eat?

2.

No matter what their value They keep me forward-focused And help me carve some purpose out of life.

3.

Even though the value of my work May be meaningless to the world And only relevant to me It keeps me always trying To make that elusive little mark in life.

712

4.

It’s better that I fight my windmills Like Don Quixote did Than do nothing.

5.

Despite these nagging And often painful questions I must press on As was written in a very famous poem (And I paraphrase): ~ “’tis better to have tried and lost Than never to have tried at all.” * ~ * Paraphrased from Alfred Lord Tennyson’s 1850 poem In Memoriam (which was a favorite of Queen Victoria).

6.

So dear God Please help me in my quest And look down in favor and in sympathy On another Don Quixote. *****

713

y I Only Fix The Walls 4-4-2005 On domestic violence from a repairman’s perspective. _____ 1.

“Patch up a little hole in the wall?

Sure, I’ll be over in a little while.” ~ “A broken cabinet door?

OK, that won’t take me long to fix.” ~ “A door pulled off its hinges?

OK, I’ll be over later on today.” ~ “A broken window?

OK, how about I come around next Tuesday?” ~ “A broken chair leg?

No problem, I’ll glue it back tomorrow afternoon.” ~ “A shelf came off the wall?

OK, let me check my schedule.” ~ “Another hole in the wall?

OK, I can be there on Saturday If that’ll work for you.”

714

2.

With each call I get and repair I make I shed a tear for the wife and kids Who have to suffer through The violent domestic origins Of all the work I’m called to do. *****

715

y Hang On To The Hanger-On (Iloilo, Philippines) 7-6-2005 She should realize the prize she has in him. _____ 1.

I’m not the one you should be clinging to.

I’m not the one who cares for you that much.

I’m not the one that you should be pining about.

Rather, I’m the one who’ll up and leave you someday And break your heart in two.

2.

I’m not the one who’ll take the time to listen Or to worry about your heart Nor the one who’ll hold you as you cry.

Rather, I’m the one who’ll just put you out When I’m done with you.

3.

I’m not the one you should be hanging on to Rather You should be hanging on To the “hanger-on” Who’s hanging on to you.

716

4.

Hang on to the one who forgives you Every time you hurt him And who hurts Whenever you hurt.

Hang on to the one who’s always there for you.

Hang on to the “hanger-on” Before he gets away on you.

5.

Hang on to the “hanger-on” Because while you’re hanging on to me The one who’s hanging on to you Might lose his grip.

6.

So please Take my advice Don’t hang on to me.

Rather Hang on to the one who loves you true.

Hang on to the “hanger-on” Who’s hanging on to you. *****

717

y No One Knows 6-20-2013 Someone’s hidden pain. _____ 1.

No one sees my tears.

No one hears my heart pounding.

No one knows that I have a thorn in my paw Until they see me limping.

2.

I’m a proud and private person And try to keep things To myself.

3.

No one knows How much I love you.

And no one knows How much pain I’m suffering From missing you Until they see the knife in my heart. *****

718

y

Waiting For The Final “Next” 8-21-2013 Waiting in the afterlife too? _____ 1.

In my life There have been an infinite number of “Nexts”: Next, for a haircut; Next, for a driver’s license; Next, for the doctor; Next for this; And next for that.

2.

But with so many nexts behind me I now find I’m waiting for that final “Next” − When I’ll be called to go.

3.

But while I’m waiting for that final “Next” − I have to wonder if after its arrival There’ll be an afterlife With just a whole other series of “Nexts” Waiting for me? *****

719

y

Beggars Can’t Be Choosey 8-6-2011 Sex drive and aging. _____ 1.

My sex drive’s great and as strong as ever It’s just that now at my age It’s not located where it used to be.

2.

Years ago my sex drive used to be situated below my belt But today it’s moved up and into my mind So you could say − so to speak − That it’s moved from one head to another.

3.

With age, most everything has moved downward And all from the gradual effects of gravity: My skin now sags on my face, My belly droops over my belt, My muscles hang off my bones, And my pectoral muscles have slid down lower on my chest, But with respect to my sex drive It has actually defied gravity And moved upward and into my mind.

720

4.

At my age I’ve taken my running shoes off And put my slippers on; And I’ve exchanged my physical activities For a lot sedentary sitting on the coach.

So with that being said I guess it’s not all that surprising That that’s how I’d find my sex drive − Just sedentary and not getting much physical exercise.

5.

Oh I know that my sex life’s not the same as it used to be But with a little hand and mind coordination In many respects I can get pretty close to the real thing And with a lot less work and mess.

6.

All in all I shouldn’t complain but rather be grateful That at my age I have a sex life at all And should thank god for small favors Understanding and appreciating that “Beggars can’t be choosey.” *****

721

y Writing Letters In The Dark (Philippines) 7-7-2005 Writing letters to the ghost of a lost love. _____ 1.

When the orange sun goes down and the day is done − When all the lights go out and I’m lying in my bed − It’s then the ghost of a long lost love appears.

It’s then my pained regrets begin to breed.

It’s then I rise and write − Once, twice, three times a night, or more.

It’s then I write my poems and letters in the dark.

2.

This is what I have become.

This is the fate to which I have succumbed − To writing poems and letters in the dark To someone to whom I’ve never said The things I should have said − To someone with whom I missed My fleeting chance for love − To someone who has now Gone away forever.

722

3.

This is the fate To which I’ve been sunk − To the sorry fate Of writing poems and letters in the dark To someone Who I let become a ghost – To someone Who has gone away forever. *****

723

y Why Do We Audience The Messenger So Much?

(Philippines) 7-13-2005 Presentation sometimes outshines content. _____ 1.

What messages are ignored Because of an unimpressive messenger?

What good advice is never followed Because of the awkward messenger who delivered it?

2.

What treasures are left abandoned on the beach Because they were hidden under a mere inch of sand?

What valued gifts are sadly never opened Because they were wrapped in unattractive packages?

What children full of promise are orphaned For their handicaps?

What wisdom is missed Just because it was slightly veiled?

Oh what tragedies of life are these.

3.

Why does the messenger So often get the most attention Rather than the message?

724

4.

Why do we audience the messenger More than the message?

5.

Why must the cover Always sell the book?

6.

Oh how often irony and ignorance Will co-conspire To our helpless disadvantage By giving the messenger More attention Than the message. *****

725

y The Waitress Who I Never Got To Know 10-31-2005 A missed chance at love. _____ 1.

I remember years ago I used to study for my CPA exams In a downtown New York City bar and grill That had an Asian waitress Who I thought was beautiful.

2.

Many nights I ate and drank there Hoping I could catch her eye But she always looked away And I never could engage her.

3.

Each drink I ordered Was another opportunity to get her attention.

But I was awkward, shy, and unaggressive Which is a failing combination for any chance at love.

4.

It also seemed that possibly I never made the right impression on her Or that she was just too shy herself For she remained business like and distant.

726

5.

I sometimes think of her And wonder how things might have been Had I been more skilled or luckier in love Or had she warmed to me on her own.

6.

But neither happened And now she’ll only be The waitress Who I never got to know. *****

727

y That Little Pencil On My Ear 11-26-2005 The dual purpose of my pencil. ______ 1.

When I work around the house I always have a little pencil on my ear Which is not only for taking measurements And making calculations But also for capturing The many fleeting thoughts and inspirations That fly into my head And eventually coalesce into a poem.

2.

My little pencil saves them From making their escapes, Or from dying a natural death, Or from that bogeyman called forgetfulness.

3.

My little pencil also works on them: Giving them voice, sight and purpose − Giving them life − and with that life − Perhaps even a chance for immortality!

Oh, that deceiving little pencil on my ear. *****

728

y Living On The Edge Of Life 1-21-2006 A modest accomplishment to be proud of. _____ 1.

He’s got just enough for food and shelter − Enough for the basics − But not for anything like luxuries or vacations − Just enough for maybe a movie now and then And an occasional restaurant meal.

2.

He buys nothing that isn’t functional And nothing that’s purely personal.

3.

He has little disposable income Or room for any extra spending.

Everything’s a tradeoff − Save on this, to spend on that.

4.

Everything’s so very tight And there’s always the constant threat Of unexpected expenses That could severely set him back.

729

5.

And when he finds that he has: A week’s supply of food in the ‘fridge, The rent paid up a month in advance, And three quarters of a tank of gas, He’s very proud of himself.

6.

And on those rare occasions When these three things all come together It’s a time when he can catch his breath And a time when Hope approaches him And whispers in his ear About better days to come.

7.

Such things as these Are little things to most But big things to him − To a man who’s living on the margin − To a man who’s living on the edge of life. *****

730

y Keep Looking For The Light 1-27-2006 Looking for that final enlightenment. _____ 1.

Many years ago When I was in my late teens and early 20s I was struggling with a number of crises Including trying to find myself.

2.

Then, like bolts of lightning I experienced what I can best describe as Defining moments.

There were a number of them a few years apart That showed me the path I had to take Around my crises And a better path for going forward in life.

The Oracle had spoken.

3.

But while they helped me greatly I felt I needed more And waited anxiously For the next defining moment.

731

4.

For nearly 40 years now I’ve been waiting Waiting for the big one − The one that would light my path the brightest yet − The one that would give me inner peace And take me through the rest of my life Brave, content and unafraid.

5.

So here I am, up on my toes With my eyes straining Looking for that light Wondering if I’ll ever see it before my end − Waiting…searching…hoping − Waiting for that next defining moment.

6.

For more than 40 years I’ve been waiting And often ask myself, “Should I forsake my vigil?

Am I waiting for a miracle That maybe won’t ever come?”

7.

“No!” I tell myself, “Get back on your feet and up on your toes again!

Strain your eyes with all your strength!

Turn your head in every direction!

Keep a sharp and steady look-out!

Keep looking as far and long as you can!

Don’t you dare give up on Hope!

Keep looking for that light!” ***** 732

y My Ladies Of The Night 10-31-2006 To all the office cleaning ladies that I’ve known. _____ 1.

In my over 40 years of working late In 6 or 7 office buildings over my career I’ve met so many cleaning ladies During which time We’ve kept each other company On many a night.

2.

When I’m feeling sorry for myself For working long beyond the time that others do These ladies help me keep my spirits up For their plight is so much worse than mine For when my work is finally done Theirs is usually just beginning.

And when I leave the office They’ll only have their worries And their lonely echoes To keep them company.

733

3.

They do their jobs so meekly And as quietly as they can And always apologizing in struggling English For possibly disturbing me.

4.

They are the salt of the earth And my silent confidants.

They and I both understand About working long, hard and late And about doing work That others usually won’t do − So, we have a lot in common.

5.

These dear souls – These dear cleaning ladies That I meet when I’m working late – Understand me Just as bar girls understand their customers.

6.

Oh, these plain and simple, Hard working, And understanding souls Are my very special Ladies of the night. *****

734

y Roman Candle 11-3-2006 I flare up quickly then calm down just as fast. _____ 1.

When I get mad I sometimes go off like a roman candle Whistling high and fast Into the sky Burning bright and mad.

2.

Halfway up And standing out Against the black night sky I realize what I’ve done, Where I am, And how obvious I’ve become.

3.

And then Just as quickly as I went off I come crashing down To where I started from All burned out. *****

735

y I Overlook The Harbor (Budapest) 5-19-2008 Prisoners to ourselves. _____ 1.

Why is it only “me” that I always am?

Why is it only me that I will only ever know or be?

Why must I be confined to this myopic entity called me?

Why must I be a prisoner in solitary confinement Confined to this little cell called me?

2.

Why can’t I ever be Someone other than just me?

Why must I be indentured to this single vessel – To this single ship called me?

Why can’t I ever get out And sail aboard another ship?

Why must I be tortured By these cruel impossibilities?

736

3.

It’s as though I were peering out Of the single little window of my prison cell Onto a vast array of ships in a harbor down below Knowing that I can never sail on any one of them − On any vessel other than the one called “me”.

And it’s that deprived and claustrophobic feeling That tortures me And puts me in this special kind of Hell − Knowing that I can never be anyone Other than “me”. *****

737

y The Fence 6-20-2008 The discovery of another world. _____ 1.

He broke off from the hunting party So he could better track his prey.

He felt disadvantaged being in a group – For a group: Moves too slow, Makes too much noise, And is easily spotted So he felt he’d be better off alone.

2.

Free from the pack He quickened his pace.

He also moved the feathers From off his forehead To improve his vision and his concentration.

3.

Then he saw it – The wild pig that he’d been tracking!

If he moved quickly enough And had a little luck He could surprise and confuse it Just enough to out-maneuver it.

738

4.

Then he made his move − He bolted and the pig did too And in the exact direction he thought it would.

He ran it hard and fast.

His strategy was working.

5.

Then, all of a sudden And at full gate He hit his face and chest On something hard, yet springy And bounced off it And was thrown to the ground.

It was quite a shock to him And he was visibly shaken.

6.

There was nothing he could see That could have done that For nothing looked any different From the jungle bush around him.

But when he reached out slowly – Exploring cautiously with his hands And pushed away some vines and leaves − He saw something that he’d never seen before.

It was a chain-link fence Which of course he hadn’t any concept of.

He stood there shocked, confused and frightened.

739

7.

What was this thing – This web – That had stopped him And threw him to the ground?

What black magic was at play?

What devil’s curse Had been invoked on him?

8.

He looked at it from every angle.

He touched it lightly Then quickly pulled his hand away As if it were a red-hot coal.

He was in awe of it For he didn’t have the experience Or capacity To even begin to figure out What it was that he was looking at.

9.

It was an infrastructure relic Of a past civilization That had gone extinct or just moved on And that had been covered up With centuries of growth.

But of course he knew nothing about that.

10.

Then he ran to tell the others What he discovered.

740

11.

While the tribal leaders wouldn’t know either What it was that he had stumbled on They would have to develop A plausible and convincing story That would neatly mesh With their tribal law, religion, and mythology For that was their job − To somehow make whatever they encountered – No matter how forced or strained it was − Fit neatly into, and reinforce their beliefs. ~ One way or another They would make it fit. *****

741

y A Little Hole In The Sky 5-8-2009 Curiosity and indecision. _____ 1.

I looked up And saw a little hole in the sky That I never noticed before.

2.

Was this like a knot hole in the fence That would allow me to see The whole construction site, so to speak?

Or was it a come-on that I should avoid?

Was it an opportunity Or a trap?

Or was it just an inadvertent find That meant little or nothing at all?

3.

Should I let Curiosity and Daring Satisfy themselves In the hope of some Benefit or Reward But run the risk Of some kind of Retribution or Punishment?

Or should I just leave things well enough alone − Leaving Heaven to its secrets and its privacy?

742

4.

While I tell myself, “Play it safe and leave it be”, Curiosity and I can’t help staring at it And at each other Wondering And fighting with ourselves Over what exactly we should do. *****

743

y Reaching For The Fountain Of Youth 3-18-2014 Inspired by a scene from the book and film, “John Adams.” _____ 1.

He reached out from his death bed And tried to touch his grandson’s hand Who was sitting nearby on his mother’s lap.

2.

He reached out with one hand Desperately stretching it as far as he could − Trying to touch the young boy’s hand As if it were the fountain of youth.

3.

His mother slowly brought the boy closer And let the old man touch him.

And when he did There was an expression of great relief In the old man’s face.

4.

It was a mystery to all as to what it meant to him But there was no doubt that it meant something.

Perhaps for him It was the fountain of youth. *****

744

y

I Just Can’t Leave It Alone 4-14-2010 Someone hurt in love. _____ 1.

I keep touching the spot Where it hurts − That spot in my heart Where your painful memory is.

2.

And by constantly touching it I risk that it will only get worse.

3.

So here I am − Left with a sore that just won’t heal And one That I just can’t seem to leave alone. *****

745

y My Grief Has Twenty Shadows 5-2-2010 Grief often has multiple dimensions to it. _____ 1.

Each grief of mine Comes with 20 shadows each Making it that much heavier.

2.

From its weight I’ve become a hunchback Hobbling down the road.

3.

If I were to set my griefs down to get some rest It will only make it harder to pick them up again So I just keep them on my crooked back.

4.

Each grief of mine never comes alone But always With 20 shadows each. *****

746

y Embarrassment 5-10-2010 The power of embarrassment. _____ 1.

Embarrassment − In front of others Or yourself − I don’t know which is worse.

2.

Embarrassment − It cuts like a knife And bites like a wolf.

3.

Embarrassment − It’s the hound that follows you Wherever you go Always sniffing you out.

And when it finds you It points its nose and tail Straight as an arrow at you From which there is no hiding.

747

4.

Embarrassment − Its pressure is even greater Than the pressure At the bottom of the sea.

5.

Embarrassment − It has no respect Not even for the dead For it will even find your bones And dig them up.

6.

Embarrassment − Born in Hell And endowed With the blackest of all souls.

7.

Oh Embarrassment − Will you someday die a natural death Or will you live on forever Just for spite? *****

748

y Visual Democracy 12-20-2010 Inspired by a review of the book, “Driving On The Rim.” _____ 1.

Visual democracy − Where I see everything as equal − Equally beautiful and equally interesting.

2.

Visual democracy − Where the city is as lush as the forest; Where a stone is as alive as any flower; And where the soil is just as beautiful as the sky.

3.

Visual democracy − Where still life is just as exciting as motion; Where height, width and depth, are equal partners with each other; And where black and white are just as expressive as color.

4.

Visual democracy − Where the dot is equal to the circle; Where the zero is equal to any number; And where the minus is equal to the plus.

749

5.

Visual democracy − Where everything has an equal share of beauty And an equal claim to my interest and attention.

6.

Visual democracy − Where the crusty protective shell is as complex and beautiful As the soft and breathing organs that it protects.

7.

Visual democracy − Where both the artist and the scientist Make equal contributions and have equal say.

8.

Visual democracy − Where the poor are as rich in character and complexity as the rich And the rich as helpless and unfortunate as the poor.

9.

Visual democracy − Where the mound is just a mirror image of the hole, Where the heart and mind work as one, And where life and duty are equal reflections of the other.

10.

Visual democracy − Where everything has an equal claim to beauty And an equal claim on me. *****

750

y A Soft Retreat (Getting Closer To The King) (Tokyo) 5-27-2011 Falling back is not necessarily a retreat. _____ 1.

A soft retreat May be as strategically important As any hard-won victory.

2.

Not pulling back sometimes − Not retreating a bit to solidify your gains Or reposition your forces − Can be just as detrimental As an outright battle lost.

3.

Feeling the need and pressure to feed and appease Either your leaders or the masses With a constant flow of real or forced victories Will often lose the war for you.

4.

Don’t ever think there’s any dishonor In falling back Or ordering a soft strategic retreat If it furthers the cause.

751

5.

Don’t ever think that every move in a war Must be classified as either a win or a loss For many moves, including soft retreats May simply be tactical maneuvers That are not neither losses or retreats.

6.

War, in many respects is just a business − A business of cumulative wins, losses, and tactical maneuvers None of which should be considered individually or in isolation But rather, only in conjunction with each other And in the context of winning the war.

And most importantly Nothing should ever be taken personally.

7.

There’s no shame or error in a soft, strategic retreat Just as there’s no shame or error In sacrificing a pawn − If it gets you closer to the King. *****

752

y She Cried When She Saw It (To Bich-Thuy) 4-23-1968 Thuy lived such a sheltered life. _____ 1.

As soon as she saw it − The frog’s leg Crushed and matted to the ground − Run over by a car – She cried.

2.

It spun around and around In a painful semi-circle Hissing in reproach of us.

3.

Its throat and stomach bulged − In and out, in and out, it pulsed As it arched and twisted hopelessly With its leg still anchored to the ground.

It was very angry − And very close to death.

753

4.

It had accepted its fate And was ready to die Alone and madly proud And that’s all the angry dignity and privacy That it was asking for.

It didn’t need or want our sympathy Or our interference.

5.

When she saw it She began to cry And I quickly turned her head away To shield her from that painful sight − A sight that this very sheltered girl Wasn’t accustomed to.

6.

She was all too virgin sensitive For such things as this So reality and the world Would just have to wait Until she was ready. *****

754

y Life Is Measured In Heartbeats (Each One Is A Gold Coin) 5-7-2014 A way to measure your life. _____ 1.

Every living creature is given The exact same number of heartbeats in life So the faster the heartbeat The faster they’re used up And the shorter their life is.

2.

A sparrow uses up its heartbeats fast So it only lives for about 4 years Whereas we use up our heartbeats more slowly And therefore live for maybe 80 years, give or take.

3.

So measure your life in terms of heartbeats And keep a good count of them Always being mindful of how many you have left And spending each one of them As if it were a gold coin. *****

755

y Sunshine 9-25-2011 The gift and magic of sunshine. _____ 1.

Sunshine − Peering through the blades of grass And chasing every crawling bug That was trying to hide.

2.

Sunshine − Flooding through the trees Making flickering peek-a-boo strobes of light With every rustle of their leaves.

3.

Sunshine − Baking that big granite rock Until it was warm enough to serve As a little furnace In the chilly night to come.

4.

Sunshine − Making little crystal balls Out of every dew drop on the lawn.

756

5.

Sunshine − Slowly erasing the memory Of yesterday’s dark night.

6.

Sunshine − Making sparklers out of every a fallen beach wave As it fans out across the sand.

7.

Sunshine − Waking up the world With the gentle touch of its light.

8.

Sunshine − Feeding the Earth, one hemisphere at a time Like hungry baby birds waiting their turn.

9.

Sunshine − Stroking the Earth Like a mother would her child.

10.

Sunshine − Always looking at its watch And checking for the time that it has left.

757

11.

Sunshine − Always moving But never making a sound.

12.

Sunshine − The giver and nurturer of life That keeps us all alive.

13.

Sunshine − Painting everything in color That used to be black and white.

14.

Sunshine − Drowsy new-born yellow in the morning, Brilliant white at noon, And sleepy orange at dusk.

15.

Sunshine − The birth of a brand new day And a fresh new start For everything. *****

758

y In Your Blue Eyes (To Sharon) 8-2-1960 Sharon Gagliardo was an Italian/Norwegian and my first love.

(She lived in a 5 story walk-up tenement on Nostrand and Rogers Avenues in the East Flatbush section of Brooklyn where I lived.) ______ 1.

When I look into your eyes I see your little heart crouched down in there Hiding, cowering and scared And fiercely guarding all the secrets that within it lie All of which with me you’re so hesitant to share.

2.

All the hopes and dreams that are in my heart and soul I see within your soft and deep blue eyes.

And to give you all my love is my sincere and open goal Which I pray that you’ll accept before it dies. *****

759

y When Substance Is Gone (A Sonnet) 8-12-1960 Exposing too much risks destroying its essence. _____ The sea is filled with dark and heavy secrets So much so that no man will ever know its full extent.

To give its secrets up, the sea will not be bent For if it were to relinquish all its mysteries and its secret holdings Its essence would be compromised and no longer be as magnificent As so much of its former splendor would have been sadly spent.

That once vast and all-powerful sea would no longer bring To the hearts of men the mythology that it once did.

No longer would it be so majestic and supreme.

And no longer could it demand the same respect For there’d be so much less of it to give, and rather, instead It would become a shallow pool with little of its prior depth seen.

And do this to any man and he would fare the same For when his substance is given away he might as well be dead. *****

760

y High Above Manhattan 7-12-1963 A failure to identify with things that become distant.

(Written when visiting New York City.) _____ 1.

From this vantage point up high Amidst Park Avenue’s structured walls I see and hear thousands of speeding and honking cars.

And from this high and central view I also spy The red and green circles of the traffic lights that rise and fall To control the constant crisscrossing flow of cars.

2.

In the day, the sun reflects off all the windshields in blinding glows Turning them into flashing signal mirrors whose transmissions Are all random and absent of any discernible pattern.

And at night, the street lamps go on in fixed and blazing rows Just as the stars light up for their nightly processions And stare at us as they steadily burn.

3.

And strangely, from way up here I find My opinion of my fellow man and their scurrying lives That I now see so far below me, somehow degrades into a kind Of apathy towards them, due to my distance from them, that grinds Away the prior empathy I had for their worries and their drives.

And as I try to identify with them I can’t, for way up here I find That my kinship with them no longer seems to have its prior bind. *****

761

y True Love Gives Strength (A Sonnet) (To Gwen) 2-16-1964 The power of love. _____ The Lamp of Love needs not But just a little fuel for it to burn.

And for the Seed of Love to grow it requires just a simple urn, Some sun and water and a little soily plot.

Love as well does not Need any logical basis or past experience from which to learn For Love just accepts what its heart tells it to and yearns To fill its emptiness leaving caution to be all but forgotten.

True Love offers strength if weakness it should see.

It also never loses Faith even though major faults are found.

Love’s a wave that cleanses all impurities.

And makes easy any duty to which it’s bound.

There, in the noble heights of Love my heart reminds Itself of her, and with this thought the strength it needs, it finds. *****

762

y Away From Gwen (To Carol Lee Johnson) (Washington, DC) 11-26-1965 The prospect of Carol’s love made me feel that perhaps I really didn’t love Gwen. But when I realized that I couldn’t have Carol I began to pine for Gwen all over again. _____ 1.

I trained my thoughts and arguments all towards A forced and fancied love of Gwen with her long Black hair and eyes of passion-brown rewards And Asian depth. But then, the song My heart had sung for her was replaced and gone.

2.

Now the song I sung was for Carol, of pure blonde hair Big blue eyes and ballroom elegance for it was then, After first seeing her, that she quickly snared My heart away from Gwen.

3.

But then, everything reversed itself and my heart did leap Away from Carol when her love for me I could not stir.

And so, with her loss, my wounded heart did again to Gwen refer.

Oh how fickle and unsteady is my heart for any single love to keep. *****

763

y I Reminisce 1-21-1966 Always regretting. _____ The air seems cold tonight As it gusts into every cavern of my heart.

And as I reminisce about my errors and my ills I’m stormed with sadness and regret. *****

764

y A Black Night Fog (Thoughts At Sea) 8-15-1966

A feeling about an ocean fog.

(Written aboard the USS Mc Morris DE 1036 While on a patrol in the North Pacific.) _____ Tonight a thick fog has wrapped itself around the ship That is gently heaving through this black and silent sea.

And as it flows, like a liquid current across its slippery decks, Its humid sea-breath seems to be alive and even have a soul. *****

765

y She Had Died Sometime Before 6-19-1969 A mind distorted by a loss. _____ 1.

I began to write to her, but then remembered That she had died some time ago.

2.

We had a date for which I’m very late So in a panic I’m running for the door.

3.

I’m very worried that when I see her We’ll have another fight.

4.

The minute that we meet though I plan to kiss her hard.

But a voice reminded me again That she had died some time ago.

5.

My heart is so confused and hurt For it’s hard accepting pain That you only vaguely feel Should be yours. *****

766

y Dreaming As The Day Is Paling 6-20-1969 Haunting thoughts. _____ 1.

I’m dreaming half awake as the day is paling.

Memory after memory is stirring up inside of me And like dust they fill the air And almost choke my breath away.

2.

I hear some chanting − Chanting over someone’s death?

But whose? But whose?

They fail to mention whose.

3.

These half-dreams brush against me Sometimes lightly, Sometimes aggressively, And all feel like ghosts.

4.

The chants continue But they’re more like moans or pleas That tortured spirits might chant For sympathy or relief.

767

5.

Whatever or whomever they are They’re eerie and unsettling.

Oh how I wish that they would just go away And leave me alone. *****

768

y An Incident In Tokyo 12-9-1969 In a small night club in Tokyo, a bar girl/Madam was showing me the erotic “Secret of the Seven Folds” when I saw her gangster pimp fast approaching us with his hand in his pocket.

I instinctively turned the table over and swung at him to surprise him, ran through and out of the club and down a flight of metal stairs and into the narrow neon-lit streets never looking back.

(It’s a rambling incoherent poem that I wrote on a trip I took through Asia that included Tokyo, Hong Kong, Taipei, Bangkok, Manila and Honolulu, perhaps imagining the results of my being caught.) _____

1.

You dreamt the night was just a spark And the day, its mirror image.

The clouds had faded And darkness came.

2.

You heard a voice − then many others.

They were all blurred though And sounded just like crashing surf.

With a gasp of hope You think you heard a voice you know − But you can’t be sure.

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3.

Then all too soon Everything began to fade And finally disappeared.

You’re scared and lost.

“Give it up! Give it up!”, you say.

4.

The night then brings on a freezing wind.

You’re sore and aching And it’s even hard for you to move.

You’ve been beaten and you’re bleeding And fresh blood is drying on your face.

“How did it happen?”, You ask yourself.

5.

You think you’re brave − At least you want to be And want to show it − But you find You’re crying off and on Which gives it all away. *****

770

y My Chariot Away 9-9-2000 My piano means so much to me.

(After a few drinks, this impromptu poem just flowed out of me.) _____ 1.

I looked at my piano And its sitting bench And imagined it as my chariot Awaiting my arrival.

2.

My piano, My relief, My companion, My escape − My chariot, away! *****

771

y Searching For A Motto (Manila) 8-15-2001 Searching for words for daily inspiration. _____ 1.

I need to find a motto − I need to find some words of personal inspiration To draw on and to give me strength Whenever I need them to.

2.

I need to find a voice that my ears will listen to, A prayer that I can evoke against temptation, A phrase or proverb to buoy up my spirits, A drum that my feet will march to, An advocate to represent me, And a trainer to coach me.

3.

I’m looking for a brand new spirit.

I’m looking for a new beginning.

I’m looking for some magic words to give me The combination of warrior-strength And saintly inner calm.

I’m looking for some words To help me change the things I can And to accept the things I can’t.

772

4.

I need to find some inspirational words That will help me form an alliance Among my body, mind and soul And with the outside world.

5.

I need to find a motto To not only keep my spirits up But also to turn Both love and war Always in my favor. *****

773

y Look Through The Blades Of The Spinning Fan (Manila) 8-16-2001 Looking beyond the obvious to the substance. _____ 1.

Don’t concentrate so much on the song itself Rather listen harder and deeper And beyond the song itself And think of music − Think about the concept, of music.

2.

Don’t just read the story And marvel at its entertaining words and plot Rather think past the story And to the thought of language − Think about the concept, of language.

3.

Don’t get mesmerized By all the dancing leaves on the trees For they are merely hypnotizing distractions And rather look beyond their amusing motions And think of life − Think about the concept, of life.

774

4.

Don’t focus on the spinning blades of a fan For they’re merely illusions.

Don’t let them block your deeper vision Rather look through and past the blades And into that whole new other world that lies beyond − Think about the concept, of a whole new dimension.

5.

Don’t look or think of Just the near, the simple and the obvious Rather look and think deeper and beyond And think about the concepts that are behind them − To the concepts of substance, reality and meaning.

6.

That’s what you should be looking at.

That’s what you should be thinking of.

That’s what you should be searching for.

Don’t be distracted by the obvious and the form of things − But rather think about the concepts Behind and underneath them all. *****

775

y Running From Her Memory (On Bich-Thuy) 9-1-1968 Drinking heavily the Camelot Inn, a Brooklyn neighborhood bar, gave me some confidence in my decision not to pursue Thuy knowing how different and unstable she was. But her memory still haunts me. _____ 1.

I feel much more comfortable now – Now that I’m in my own element and kind In my old neighborhood bar.

And with the beers I’ve had, The loud music, And the boisterous voices in the background, I’m distracted from my new reality And my heartaches over her.

2.

You can face your problems better When you drink − Or at least defer them To another day.

776

3.

Why do we always run towards things That are even more frightening Than the things we’re running from?

And why do I find myself constantly running From the memory of a little girl I had to leave behind?

How could such a big guy like me Be so scared of the memory Of a little girl like her?

4.

The drinks and the raucous barroom atmosphere Has helped me forget her And given me some needed peace of mind − At least that’s what I tell myself.

5.

But if the truth be known The agonizing memory of this little girl Will never completely leave me be No matter how many drinks I have For it will always be “Peek-a-Booing” here And “Peek-a-Booing” there on me − Never really gone but only hiding in disguise And always scaring me to death and tears.

But tonight I have some feigned protection In some bottles of beer In a loud and raucous Brooklyn bar. *****

777

y No One Was Listening 4-17-2002 A good presentation wasted. _____ 1.

I just had to say my piece.

I just had to get it out.

It was that important.

2.

And when I said what I had to say I was quite articulate − In fact I was even eloquent If I do say so myself.

3.

I made all my points perfectly.

I didn’t have to once Repeat myself or clarify anything.

I was very satisfied with my performance And proud of myself.

4.

But then A disheartening feeling came over me When I realized That no one was listening! *****

778

y A Message On A Subway Wall 11-5-2002 A truism written on a New York City subway wall. _____ 1.

This saying That was written on a subway wall Resonated with me: ~ “Respect all Fear none.”

2.

What a wonderful little motto For living life.

3.

So true and easy to understand But so hard to put into practice − I know For I’ve tried it myself With disappointing results. *****

779

y To Open All The Flowers 3-14-2003 A perspective on nature’s power. _____ Oh what massive power It must take To open all the flowers Of the world! *****

780

y A Good Sleep And A Fresh White Shirt 10-12-2004 How little changes can make big differences. _____ 1.

A good night’s sleep And a fresh white shirt Made a new man out of me today.

2.

With no lack of sleep to fight My back was straight My chest was out And my walk was brisk.

3.

With no lack of sleep to fight My eyes were bright My thinking was crystal clear, My speech was articulate, And there was nothing That I had to fake, hide or overcome.

4.

A good night’s sleep And a fresh white shirt Made a new man out of me today. *****

781

y Have I Missed Something?

5-27-2005 On an agreement misunderstood or broken? _____ 1.

“We’ll be each other’s dearest loves And occupy the warmest, deepest places In each other’s hearts.

We’ll need no invitations with each other.

We’ll wear no masks upon our faces.

What’s mine is yours And what’s yours is mine.

And everything between us Will be built upon A silent code of love and honor.”

2.

These were the promises our hearts exchanged.

This was our constitution.

This was the agreement we made And that we didn’t need to sign But only seal With our love and trust.

782

3.

While it worked for a while It didn’t last for long For you broke All those solemn promises you made.

4.

Was I the fool Or you the liar?

Or did I Just misinterpret things?

5.

So now, regrettably And with a heavy breaking heart I must reexamine All that has transpired between us.

I must review the form and substance of our agreement And our noble constitution And see where things went wrong And try to prevent this kind of thing From ever happening again.

6.

I must re-review everything To see what I had apparently missed When I was a trusting soul And a heart in love. *****

783

y Still Playing Hide And Seek 6-6-2005 Still searching for peace of mind. _____ 1.

Yesterday I turned 62 And by this age I would have thought That I’d have figured out The “Formula of Life” − But I haven’t.

2.

I’m still looking for my way − Still hoping to acquire the peace of mind That would calm down all the howling winds and choppy seas And allow me a peaceful sail.

I’m still waiting for the time When I can lay my head down And have a deep and worry-free sleep.

3.

If I were to find my peace Then all the troubles I’ve endured Wouldn’t seem so bad For all’s well that ends well.

784

4.

But even now at the age of 62 − And running out of time − The peace of mind that I’ve been searching for Still cleverly eludes me − And is still playing its game of “Hide and Seek”.

5.

So here I go again Trying to find my peace of mind’s secret hiding place In yet another round Of this never-ending game of “Hide and Seek”.

6.

So here we go again “One, two, three…here I come…ready or not…

Wherever you are!” *****

785

y

Oh Life, I Gave You All I Had − But Did I? 8-3-2005 Doubts about having tried hard enough. _____ 1.

In my life Have I made any real progress?

Have I gained any wisdom?

Have I done anything That was noteworthy or noble?

Have I made a difference in life?

Am I better, worse or just about the same?

Questions, questions And more questions.

2.

Will I gracefully die in peace and dignity Satisfied with who I am And what I’ve achieved And how I’ve distinguished myself? − Or will I wrestle on my death-bed Discontent and unaccomplished Fighting for that last breath of air No different than anybody else?

786

3.

Oh dear Life While I think I gave you all I had − Enough at least to earn a decent eulogy And a peaceful passing – I wonder, “Did I?” “Did I really?” *****

787

y I Really Used To Be Somebody 8-4-2005 Difficulty in imagining what someone used to be. _____ 1.

When I tell you That I used to be “somebody” in my prior life You nod politely But are condescending and inattentive And hardly hear a word I’m saying.

2.

You have little time for me − For who am I to you?

Just a weary bore?

An empty shadow?

An old has-been?

3.

Looking at me You just can’t imagine That I could have been anything else But what I am right now.

788

4.

Even when I tell you That I used to be somebody Who once had, as they say, “Money, power, looks and charm” − You remain unimpressed For you just can’t imagine me As anybody different Than what you’re seeing now.

5.

It’s not for boasting That I’m trying to tell you Who I used to be.

It’s rather just to make you see That what you see in front of you Wasn’t always me And that I had a prior life Where I really used to be “Somebody.” *****

789

y Going Out On A Low Note Again?

10-25-2005 Worried about being let go again. _____ 1.

Is it happening again in my career Where I’ll be let go again? − Where I start out on a high note But end up on a low one?

2.

Slow or fast Whatever starts out well Seems to deteriorate and end up badly.

3.

First I’m an honored guest Of Heaven Then, a permanent resident Of Hell.

790

4.

Just once I’d like to retire As the reigning champ of something.

Just once I’d like to go out: On my own terms, In my own time, For my own reasons And in my own way.

5.

Just once I’d like to go out On something other than a low note. *****

791

y I Need To Stay Away From Heights 7-16-2006 Not wanting to create any over-expectations. _____ 1.

Please don’t put me On any pedestal.

2.

Please keep me away From any heights.

3.

For I don’t want anyone To see me break When I fall. *****

792

y What Was It That Was So Important?

5-2-2009 The problem with over-reaching. _____ 1.

What was it That was so important That made me reach so far out And shift my entire center of gravity To its tipping point And completely lose my balance?

2.

What was this thing That I wanted so badly − That made me lunge for it And lose my grip On everything else I had?

3.

What was it That was so important That I just had to have And didn’t have already?

793

4.

What was it That I just had to have That made me lose control of Life And let Life Get control of me?

5.

What was it That was so important? *****

794

y I Saw The World When I Was Bulletproof 12-15-2009 Some stories about my travels. _____ 1.

After some convincing I got a friend of mine to put aside his reservations and concerns About its danger and inconveniences And come with me to South America, Trinidad and Mexico.

We went to almost every major city and jungle there.

We also went in very troubled times: When revolutions were being plotted behind closed doors, When people were demonstrating and often rioting in the streets, And when anti-Americanism was running high.

2.

I also went through almost all of Africa At a time when the blacks were taking over And the whites were literally on the run and being hunted down And their property appropriated by the natives Including their rich homes being used as barns for animals.

Before I went I asked some friends if they would like to go But they didn’t want to take such a risky trip So I went alone.

795

3.

I also went alone Through almost all of Asia Taking a number of young, foolish and exotic risks But all for the sake Of adventure and experience.

4.

I also went through most of Western Europe too And parts of Scandinavia With a Navy buddy of mine In his little Volkswagen And who was stationed in Naples, Italy.

5.

And just for the adventure of it all I went up north, past the Arctic Circle Into upper Canada and Alaska.

Here again I went alone As I couldn’t find anyone Who was willing to deal with the ice and cold.

6.

Most everyone I approached for these kinds of trips Wanted to have a safe, comfortable and “normal” vacation − Preferably one in the sun and the sand.

But I wasn’t thinking of “vacation” − I was thinking of “adventure” − Adventure While I was still young, willing and able − And bullet-proof.

796

7.

I knew that at any later time in my life I could sit by the pool at some Holiday Inn In a safe and friendly, English-speaking environment And soak up the sun in a comfortable chair With a fancy umbrella drink in my hand.

8.

Correspondingly I also knew that I might never again find That unique timing in my life Where youth, opportunity and daring All converged and fused perfectly together Into a burning desire To see the world Raw, first-hand and without any frills And to accept its dare.

9.

If I wanted to see the world, I told myself I had to do it now: When the moon and stars were all lined up, The iron was hot, And youth was on my side.

I told myself I had to do it now And with whomever was ready, willing and able − And if no one was I had to make that hard decision To go alone.

797

10.

In order to see All those places around the world That I had heard, read and wondered about I knew I had to take some risks And that I might encounter some problems Along the way.

11.

While these trips went reasonably well There were some incidents that presented some risk For example: Having to get away from a rioting mob in Lima, Peru; Almost dying in Egypt from an overdose of quinine; Being chased by a gang of blacks in Tanzania; Swimming with piranha in the Amazon; Almost drowning in the currents off Trinidad; Nearly being knifed in a Tokyo nightclub by some mamasan pimp; Being beaten up in Amsterdam by a bunch of US draft dodgers; Having to leave the Philippines one night for fear of my life; Getting violently ill from eating tainted horsemeat in Mexico City; And catching an exotic disease from a bargirl in Bangkok.

There were other incidences as well, but not so dramatic.

Anyway, I got through them all and more or less unscathed Because luck and youth were on my side.

12.

I took my chances and saw the world At the perfect time in my life − When I was young, single, daring − And bullet-proof. *****

798

y The Lady Bug 2-28-2010 Watching a lady bug’s dying ritual. _____ 1.

I saw a dying lady bug Turn herself over and onto her back.

Her legs were flailing As if she were trying to right itself − At least that’s what it looked like to me.

So I turned her right side up Thinking I was doing her a favor − Thinking I’d be giving her what she wanted And letting her “die in dignity.”

But she apparently wasn’t happy with that As she looked as though She was trying to turn herself Upside down again.

2.

As I looked about I saw That there were many other lady bugs around Some of which were right side up And others upside down Which made me ask myself: “Which way did she want to be − Upside down or right side up?”

799

3.

Did she go on her back by mistake?

Or did she do it on purpose?

Should I put her on her back again The way I found her Or should I just leave her as she is?

4.

With all these questions It made me ask myself: “What do I know about lady bugs And their ancient rituals anyway?”

5.

Then a bigger question came to mind: “Was she suffering?”

And if she was, “Should I put her out of her misery?”

I had the power to do whatever she wanted − If only I knew what that was.

6.

What kind of assumptions Or presumptions Should I make about this lady bug?

800

7.

If I killed her Would I be doing her a favor?

Would I be taking her out of her misery?

Or Was she in any misery at all?

Perhaps she was only dying a peaceful and natural death And all that I was doing Was interfering with her programmed ritual Which might require a sequence of things: Such as turning herself upside down, Facing her god in Heaven, Confessing her sins, And receiving some kind of last rites.

8.

So I had to ask myself, “By turning her over What had I unknowingly interfered with?

Had I made a mistake And deprived her of her last rites And possibly damned her to Hell?�

9.

Perhaps I should have just left things alone For what do I know about lady bugs And their ancient rituals? *****

801

y Onions And Sour Pickles 2-20-2014 Little hope for a good crop. _____ 1.

The grubs ate the roots Of everything I planted And the birds ate the fruit Of anything that survived.

2.

From top to bottom I’ll have a disappointing harvest If anything at all.

3.

So an ugly meal Of onions and sour pickles Is what I’m facing for my supper. *****

802

y Just By Association (On Tom Carroll And I) 12-6-2013 Thinking of Tom Carroll when we worked together. _____ 1.

When he walked into a room Everyone stared at him.

He was handsome And had that executive presence about him.

And as for me I was only an appendage But Because I was with him I assumed some of the presence he had − Just by association.

2.

He had charisma and charm as well And again − Just by association − So did I.

803

3.

And when he spoke He was engaging and articulate And held everyone’s attention in silence.

It were as though he was an oracle And everyone was waiting with baited breath To hear what he had to say.

And whatever he said was believable Because he had that presence about him And the gift of eloquence That was reinforced by his good looks and charm.

And as for me Whatever I said Had a similar authoritative ring to it − Just by association.

4.

Although I was just his sidekick Everyone could see That we were friends and a team And how comfortable he was with me.

Therefore I assumed Some of the stature and awe that he had − Just by association.

5.

Due to an unfortunate falling out We’re no longer friends And that magical gift of association Has gone with it.

804

6.

It was good though while it lasted And an experience that I’ll never forget − The exhilarating experience Of being more than who I was − Just by association. *****

805

y Bushido (The Way Of The Warrior) 8-2-2011 I identify in some ways with this particular Japanese thinking. _____ 1.

The principles of Bushido – The Way of the Warrior – Of old Japan Is succinctly captured in the Bushido proverb: Duty is heavy like a mountain But Death is as light as a feather.

In many ways I identify with this proverb.

2.

In my business life I’ve always put work before pleasure And in my personal life I’ve always taken on Large time-consuming personal projects That I’m committed to complete And that have put a lot of weight and stress on me.

So I personally identify with the line: ~ Duty is heavy like a mountain. ~

806

3.

And likewise I’ve always had a penchant towards The heavy, melancholy And even the morbid sometimes Which you can see in much of my music and writings In that I tend to compose a lot of heavy music And write a lot of serious poems often about death Where death is sometimes viewed As a welcomed relief from the burdens of life.

So I also personally identify with the line: ~ Death is a light as a feather. ~ 4.

Bushido – There’s something heavy and fatalistic about it That I can relate to. *****

807

y Old Memories (Twenty Shadows) 3-16-2010 Bad memories continue to cast their shadows. _____ 1.

Every old and sorry memory is a heartache That carries with it twenty shadows.

2.

I had hoped That all my past and painful memories Would be discreet and keep their distance And be content to quietly remain In the secret hollows of my past.

3.

But no It seems they’ve chosen to follow me Casting each of their twenty shadows.

4.

These old and sorry memories Are like tin cans Tied on my tail. *****

808

y Inside Out 3-21-2010 Differences in belief and comfort. _____ 1.

Here I am Standing here On the outside of the church Listening to the preacher’s sermon, The organ playing, And the choir singing, And guessing that all of them there On the inside Are feeling quite content Believing that they’re saved.

2.

But as for me I have no such feeling of contentment Because for me I only have a hard cold supposition That there’s nothing to be saved.

809

3.

For me I believe that life’s just life With neither reward or punishment at its end And that we all just simply live Then simply die.

4.

So here I am Standing here On the outside of the church Taking cold and empty comfort in my belief That there isn’t any Hell to fear.

5.

But, correspondingly I’m also standing here On the outside of the church Not having that warm reassurance of faith And the promise and reward of Heaven That they have there On the inside. *****

810

y Everything Has A Mind And Thinks 9-20-2010 It’s not only man who can think. _____ 1.

Although the lower creatures May be extremely primitive and seemingly mindless They do in fact possess some kind of mind And engage in some kind of thinking.

2.

When a tree bends to face the sun It’s thinking with a mind That’s figured out and acted on What it has to do To capture the light to help it best survive Just as our minds figure out for us What we have to do to best survive.

To simply call that process mindless instinct Is a mindless statement in and of itself For it is in fact The process of thinking that we’re witnessing Just on a different and more primitive scale.

811

3.

Insects figure out how to find their mates, Worms figure out which way to burrow, Animals figure out how to find their prey, And we figure out how to live our lives And advance our civilization All through the mechanics of thinking And all of which is not so different More or less In both process and result.

4.

Every living thing Has a mind and engages in the process of thinking Each at its respective level.

5.

We must get beyond Our own self-centered and elitist belief That we blindly cling to and constantly reinforce That we’re the only things That think.

We can’t continue to deny That every living thing has a mind – However limited − And their inalienable right and ability To think. *****

812

y Finding God 10-2-2011 Observations on human behavior and needs.

(Somewhat akin to what Karl Marx said about religion: “Religion is the opium of the people.”) _____ 1.

When he went to prison He was scared, empty and despondent And very much alone.

2.

But one day he had an epiphany As many have In their lonely prison cells That filled the vacancy inside of him.

He felt that he had found his soul.

“He had found God”, he said.

3.

Just as children create imaginary friends When they are lonely He created his imaginary friend To fill the lonely void within himself Which he mistook for God.

813

4.

It was a common mistake, finding God For what he really found was himself And the peace and reconciliation that comes with it But that he mispersonified as God. 5.

To help him make it through his days and nights in prison Mixed with the guilt of what he’d done He had to create something to make sense of life And overcome his devils Which was a forgiving and imaginary God That he made real.

6.

It was a common, understandable, and human mistake That many make Under extreme and desperate circumstances Such as his.

7.

When you’re down and desperate And your mind, soul and belief systems Have been severely traumatized And all but stripped away You look for something to repair or replace What’s been damaged, lost or missing.

And as human nature would have it When you look or hope for something Long and hard enough You amazingly find it Or alternatively, it finds you Even if it’s all contrived.

814

8.

So, he found that something.

He found God in prison Just as so many others have.

Although the God he found Wasn’t technically God It was technical solution That worked for him And whatever works, works. *****

815

y This World Is Ours And Theirs 8-3-1960 On the Universe and the prospect of life elsewhere. _____ 1.

On a cloudy summer night My mind and heart collapse upon themselves Thinking that we’re all alone And this earthly world of ours Is all we have.

2.

But when the clouds disperse And billion, billion stars appear In an endless expanse of black space I realize how huge a Universe we’re in And the million other Earths That are probably in it.

3.

When the clouds disperse And I see how vast our Universe is My heart leaps. *****

816

y Dusk Defeats 8-17-1963 Dusk overcomes the day.

(Written during Dr. Kramer’s dental appointment in Brooklyn.) _____ The city lies before me as an outstretched plane With its maze of dull gray buildings and pitch-black asphalt streets Baking in the dying Sun with all the daylight colors draining From the Day, that both Dusk and Night are now conspiring to defeat. *****

817

y Stone Truth (A Sonnet) 2-11-1964 Being a moral man is not easy. _____ Oh, what is one to recognize as True: When error so easily clogs men’s minds and makes them so weak?

When Reason and Emotion do not the same goal seek?

When Temptation dulls the Will’s pellucid view?

But with Truth, everything is clear and evident And everything is straight and never warped or bent And moral men stand tall and their actions speak The dictates of their hearts.

But men like these are very few As the Welter never bestows such a gift or shines any guiding star On just anyone, but rather only on a man of perfect Truth.

And as we age, Truth becomes that much harder to hone As it’s nearly impossible to retain the innocence of our youth.

Truth for Truth demands a Will be made of stone But Truth for love of Truth itself can easily stand alone. *****

818

y When Love Is True (A Sonnet To Gwen) 4-7-1964 True love is unchangeably steadfast. _____ Passion doesn’t prove that a love is true Just as water colored red doesn’t make it wine; True love doesn’t change its point of view But sticks to its commitments for all time.

Love will bend, just as a reed, with every tempest that it meets And its roots being so deep will never be upturned.

And love does not rejoice over the storm’s defeat But rather only at the sun’s return.

True love doesn’t change when it encounters change But rather, it steadily and loyally remains.

And love does not despair when the sky turns even the darkest hue But rather remains ever hopeful for its return to blue − When love is true. *****

819

y Steamy Rendezvous (Ebb And Flow) (To Pamela) 7-4-1964 Pamela was an airline stewardess and Gwen’s older sister.

(Whenever she flew into New York she stayed at the Hotel Lexington where we had a number of steamy rendezvous.) _____ 1.

You possess the moods and passioned sentiments More close to mine than any other soul.

You have stirred up love and lust in me in equal proportions Causing them to through my heart so wildly run So as to make on me an indelible toll.

With only short intervals together All the proper elements Of our love have not, in our hearts, fully developed Or been adequately tested to justify their proper places.

But despite that, I wonder if they’ve already been etched in stone Or are only still just fleeting traces Written in dust with no more import Than polite and passing smiles upon our faces.

820

2.

You come, you go − you’re here, you’re there − But in all our crossings we never meet For any lengths of time that will fully settle and quell The nagging questions I have about us that my heart still keeps.

If you don’t bring love itself, you bring needed passion to my heart And comfort to my sorrows Which is the very reason why this warm and tender girl in you I’m always glad to greet.

I also see you with the hope that I can fathom more of you And someday dwell For longer intervals of time with you And perhaps long enough To form a deeper bond between us two For when we do meet our passions swarm To the heights of pure excitement.

Oh how those erotic one-night hotel stands That have become our secret love affair Have made memories that we can forever share.

3.

While my firm desire is that our bond might grow To perhaps an even lasting love, I truly fear That time will not permit, or circumstances allow Much more than what we have right now − These secret little steamy rendezvous That have no pattern to their ebb and flow.

Although short-lived and just like the lunar tides Where you come and then you go Oh what a full-moon, high-tide and passionate love it is Whenever you are here. *****

821

y A Meaning 7-12-1964 The inseparability of Life and Death. _____ 1.

There is a street in Brooklyn that won’t easily Fade away from my exact recall of it.

On either side of it were the hard brick walls of factories And warehouses, row on row, which all sit In bad repair with chipped and cracking fronts And windows dull and dingy and where I heard some grunts − Some barely perceptible under-tones Just loud enough to know that they were the sounds of moans.

2.

Then I saw something which gave me quite a start − It was that of a pair of eyes Whose glossy glass-like display made their mark Against a grimy bearded face. I bent my size To him, who was propped up against a wooden door frame.

I brought my straining ear closer to his voice’s depleted scope And strained to hear what he tried to say, but nothing came That I could understand. Though he tried, he just couldn’t cope With it. Then, in the weakest of breaths and whiskey full in scent He gasped, which announced that now his life was fully spent.

822

3.

The clothes he wore were thick with oil and dirt From the streets he’d slept upon, and his body was the same.

Over time, he’s sadly let himself to the lowest form of life revert.

This lifeless drunken mess propped up against this empty frame Will not solicit or ordain a single word in print Nor will any spoken word ever be announced On his behalf. In time, the police will find and sprint Away his wasted and weathered shell. He had renounced His dignity in life which is always the saddest of all things.

And soon he’ll be buried in a common and anonymous grave With no head stone in which his name might have been engraved.

4.

Walking on, my mind could only cling To thoughts that swelled with throbbing pain Against the bulging precincts of my brain.

And as I thought about his last and dying breath I thought about the meaning of Life and Death And how they represent two diametrically opposing things But yet, how they interlock and are more or less the same. *****

823

y I Miss You Darling Girl (To Gwen) 7-5-1965 Returning from a Naval patrol I called Gwen in Trinidad, (Gwen wrote me almost every day and I reciprocated often.) _____

1.

When I was out at sea I missed Gwen every day.

So when I got back to port I just had to call her on the phone From half way around the world.

I was so happy to hear her voice That every emotion swelled up inside of me.

2.

And wanting to relieve my lonesome heart I almost shouted out, “I love you Gwen”, But something held me back And I rather only said, “I miss you dear!”, For as usual I could only go just so far. *****

824

y Looking At My Hands And Thinking Of The Piano 11-26-1965 Reflecting on my decision to join the Navy and give up my piano and music writing which I loved and was just getting into. _____ 1.

I looked at my hands And drew my fingers in and out Longing to play music On the keyboard of some piano If only I could find one.

2.

The correctness and the consequences of my decision To join the Navy and serve my time And abandon my music and leave it orphaned Was sadly resurrected once again in me. *****

825

y Full Of Unanswered Letters 11-28-1965 Reflecting on not being taken so seriously as I would like. _____ 1.

My life is full of unanswered letters Unfinished sentences, Ignored opinions, And open questions, Which seem to accumulate And successively weigh down on me.

2.

I hope that over time I shall become more numb To these unaddressed torments And not take them all so personally.

3.

While I can hope I shan’t expect that Life will break its vow To keep me weighted down.

I shan’t expect that Life Will ever break its pact with Fate. *****

826

y

I Love Her When I’m Lonely (On Gwen) 12-5-1965 Gwen always loved me more than I loved her, even though I tried.

(Written on a bus returning to Washington from Brooklyn just before my transfer to the USS Mc Morris in Pearl Harbor.) _____ 1.

I love her when I’m lonely But not so much when I am not.

2.

I love her in her absence But less so in her presence.

3.

I love her more at night Than ever in the day.

4.

I love her more in the dark Than ever in the light.

5.

I want her when I want her But not when she wants me.

827

6.

Thus, I may not truly love her Even though She truly does love me. *****

828

y To Kill A Man 1-13-1966 We might all have a bit of murder in us. _____ Looking at my hands And feeling all the strength that’s in them I wondered if I could ever use them To kill man Just to test or prove their strength And my heart’s resolve. *****

829

y Not Wanting To Awaken Her (On Stella) 6-19-1969 Lying with Stella. _____ 1.

She turns in bed and rests her arm on me.

And when I awake My heart and eyes Fill with her.

2.

I try not to move For fear of waking her − For fear of breaking This beautiful image of us And her gentle hold on me.

3.

I want her to stay Exactly where and how she is.

I want to see and feel her next to me Just the way she is − Undisturbed and beautiful − So I can take her even deeper in my heart. *****

830

y A Bar Fight In Denver 1-2-1970 Some incoherent verses written after a bar fight in Denver.

(I don’t know how I ever got back up that mountain to my room.) _____ 1.

I slept in the blood That had dried and caked on my hands and face.

I had gone to town to drink Which I didn’t think at first Was all that far away − But it was.

2.

And as for her – The girl I was with − She walked right through my mind Like she owned it.

But she was also very kind to me − Walking ahead of me to clear a path For I was too drunk to it do myself.

3.

For whatever reason I thought to myself That the rich are always curious about the poor And the poor, about the rich − And that some things matter And some things don’t.

831

4.

My mind had also stopped on the thought That the deepest, saddest and most profound things Are never written down Or ever sung about − For they can’t be − For such emotions are all too strong and untamed For that kind of discipline.

5.

I heard a faint and distant stirring But couldn’t figure out Who or what it was.

6.

I thought again to myself That because of drugs and malnutrition Hippie children Will probably grow up to be small and sickly − If they make it at all.

7.

Although I’m very tired I just can’t seem to fall asleep. *****

832

y

Don’t Try To Follow Me 11-9-2004 Needing time to calm and recover after a fight or hurt. _____ 1.

When I’m mad or hurt I retreat into my cave And it’s best That you don’t try to follow me.

It’s best That you just leave me alone for a while To settle things by myself In a dark and private place.

2.

When I’m brooding Don’t try to approach me.

Don’t call or seek me out.

Don’t shine a light on me.

And never ever, touch me.

3.

It’s never safe To approach a wounded animal And best to wait Until it’s calm and feels secure.

Likewise, it’s best That I be left alone For the time I need.

833

4.

So never push or press me Too early or too much Even if it’s only Your sincere attempt to help.

5.

It’s best That you just let me go To my hiding place And leave me alone for a while.

6.

It’s best That you just let me heal a bit In my own way and at my own pace But don’t worry For I’ll come out in time − When I’m ready. *****

834

y Oh What They Are Missing (On Reading Shakespeare) 5-13-1999 Appreciating Shakespeare. _____ While everyone else is fast asleep I’m here alone In the silence of my room Under a dim-lit lamp Reading one of Shakespeare’s plays. ~ “Oh, what they are missing!” *****

835

y My Music Atrium 3-8-2000 My private and protective music dome. _____ 1.

When I play my music It’s as though A little invisible dome Is lowered over me That insulates and protects me From the outside world.

2.

Each piece of music that I play Creates an impenetrable dome around me − An invisible dome of sound − My little music atrium.

3.

Try to touch me, world!

Try, but you cannot! *****

836

y Thunder In The Well 5-22-2004 I have a very over active stomach. _____ 1.

So often Out of the deep hollows of my active stomach Comes loud bellowings – This thunder in the well.

2.

It’s much louder than anything I’ve ever heard from anyone else And so loud sometimes That it often sounds like Rolling thunder in the summer − Or an erupting volcano – This thunder in the well.

3.

And of course these rumblings always come At the most quiet and awkward of times: During a business meeting, In a crowded elevator, Or when I’m talking to someone And trying to make a serious point – This thunder in the well.

837

4.

It almost seems as though My stomach does it on purpose.

It almost seems as though It loves to draw attention to itself Just to embarrass me.

What’s with that?

What did I ever do to it To make it do Such spiteful and embarrassing things to me − This thunder in the well? *****

838

y God Preserves All Our Tears 10-9-2004 Bear your hardships knowing that they’ll be taken into account.

(Inspired by “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Victor Fankl.) _____ 1.

Do not frustrate yourself and sink your soul.

Do not despair or blind yourself with rage.

Rather bear it all − Bare all your sufferings with grace and dignity And believe that there’s some purpose to it all.

2.

Check the hand of suicide.

Don’t go out the coward’s way.

Look at death and smile at it.

Show your courage and your strength.

Look it bravely in the eye As soldiers do.

3.

And for all the suffering you bear Take comfort in knowing That God preserves and keeps a count Of all our tears. *****

839

y

No You Didn’t Turn Out Alright 8-15-2005 Doing more than just looking out for ourselves. _____ 1.

Yes, you survived your baby years And got through Your childhood and teen-age years successfully.

Then you got yourself A good education and a decent job.

And finally You got married and raised your children well And take them to church on Sunday Like all good people do.

2.

Because of this everybody says That you turned out alright.

But I beg to differ As you’ve really only turned out alright For yourself.

840

3.

You never gave a second thought As to what responsibility you had To helping others Who were less fortunate than you.

All you did – Knowingly or unknowingly – Was to focus on your own well-being.

4.

You did all the things that were considered The right things to do But they weren’t quite right Because you did them primarily With only yourself in mind.

5.

So no, I don’t fully agree That you turned out alright Because all you did Was to turn out alright For yourself. *****

841

y

I’m Dying To Die 12-18-2005 What’s after death? _____ 1.

I’m just “dying to die.”

I’m not saying That I want to die, per se All I’m saying is That I’m so curious About what’s on the other side of life That I’m just “dying” to find out.

2.

I’m dying to know If there is in fact another side.

If there is another life.

If there is a Judgment Day With reward and punishment − Or if there’s only death And that’s the end of it − Nothing more, and nothing less.

842

3.

My intellectual Curiosity Is in direct competition With my instinctive Fear of dying Which two Titans are always engaged In an Olympian tug of war.

4.

Dying is the only way That I’ll know for sure − Or not know at all − If there really is or isn’t Something on the other side.

5.

So in that respect Out of pure and pressing curiosity And as strange as it may sound I’m just dying to die – Just dying to find out. *****

843

y Oh What The Years Had Taken 10-19-2008 How an old girlfriend of his had aged. _____ 1.

He hadn’t seen her in many years But by chance they met again.

She hadn’t aged well at all.

Her face had wrinkles everywhere − So much so That she looked like someone’s grandma!

And as he looked into her face He thought to himself, “How could she have ever been, my girl?”

2.

He couldn’t believe What the years had done to her − What the years had taken − Stolen − Sucked away from her − And left her looking like a dried up prune.

“Where was my girl”, he thought to himself − “The one who used to be so petal soft and beautiful?”

844

3.

Although he expected That she would have aged He didn’t expect That she’d have aged that much For she looked like she was in her 80s!

And as for him − As far as he could tell He was still in his 20s − At the very age they’d seen each other last.

And he thought to myself again, “How could she have ever been, my girl?”

4.

They were now Two vastly different people From two very distant eras.

She had aged so much But he hadn’t aged at all Which made him wonder What it was That he had ever seen in her?

5.

What had happened To that young and beautiful little thing That he had imaged And kept ageless in his mind?

What had happened During all those intervening years?

What gods had she offended so badly To have made them punish her so much?

845

6.

Her shiny black hair had been transformed Into a dull and salt and pepper gray.

Her soft brown eyes Were bulging now, distractively; And everything That had once been round and firm Was now Misshaped and sagging.

7.

Everything that he had seen in her As irresistible Was now So unappealing.

“What was this old hag doing here with me”, he thought − “With someone in his 20s!?”

8.

He couldn’t believe What the years had done to her So cruelly and methodically.

And as he looked at her again He repeated to himself in disbelief, “How could she have ever been, my girl?” *****

846

y I Give Up, Then Rally 4-27-2012 A constant back and forth fight. _____ 1.

As soon as I get up in the morning I’m in that daily fight with Life And have to push myself Past its blockade.

2.

In this fight I often times give up.

Then Just as suddenly and inexplicably I get a burst of energy, Take a deep breath, And push back against my resilient adversary − My own self-doubt.

3.

In this daily bout There are many knockdowns On both sides Which is draining and discouraging Both mentally and physically.

847

4.

I give up, then rally − Give up again, then rally again − Always wondering Which might be the last − The give-up or the rally − For that’s what’ll determine Who the winner is. *****

848

y My Lists Are A Constant Nag 8-19-2006 My “To Do” lists help me get things done. _____ 1.

I’m constantly making lists Of all the things I want or have to do And carry them around Everywhere I go.

2.

My lists are often long and comprehensive And I’m always adding to And subtracting from them.

I’m never without my lists And always working on them.

3.

Though many of the things That are on those lists Never get done − Many of them do.

4.

My lists are my game plans, My coaches, My drill sergeants And my conscience.

849

5.

My lists are always in my face, On my back, And on my case.

They even scold me When something goes delinquent So I try my best To get them done on time To avoid their reprimands.

6.

I really have to thank my lists In that half the things that I do get done Wouldn’t have had a chance of getting done If it weren’t for those lists.

7.

My lists of things to do Won’t ever leave me be!

They nag and nag and make me do What I otherwise wouldn’t do.

8.

While I hate their constant nagging I love the results. *****

850

y Missing Home But Not (In The Carpathian Mountains Of Slovakia) 5-18-2008 I could live almost anywhere. _____ 1.

I’m in the Carpathian Mountains Somewhere in Slovakia.

Should I be missing home?

Yes, perhaps But I’m not, not really.

2.

When I was in the navy I had my palm read one time By a Vietnamese woman And was told That I could hang my hat Almost anywhere And call it home.

3.

I believe my palm spoke the truth For I think in fact That I could live Almost anywhere.

851

4.

If all I had Was a little place to call my own That gave me some peace and quiet And privacy I believe that I really could live Just about anywhere – Even here In the mountains of Slovakia.

5.

Yes, I’m missing home But I’m also not. *****

852

y Brethren Animals In The Herd 11-1-2011 We are herd animals. _____ 1.

Just as traffic slows down To look at a wreck on the highway But then keeps on going A herd slows down To glance at a fallen brethren Then continues on its way.

2.

As social and herd animals We show curiosity, compassion, and identification With and for our fallen brethren And recite a little prayer Over their misfortune.

3.

But all such noble gestures And gracious sentiments Are short-lived For just as the herd does We also turn away from that fallen soldier And resume our original pace and direction And get on with our lives.

853

4.

And as we move on We breathe a sigh of relief And utter under our breaths, “There, but for the grace of God, go I”.

5.

And all the dust that’s raised by the herd Serves as both An incense offering to Heaven For the continued protection of those still standing And a burial blanket For the one who’s fallen.

6.

That last glance from the herd Duly marks the formal end of the incident And the signal to Nature − That insatiable Vulture − To begin picking on the bones Until every remnant’s gone And it becomes As if it never was. *****

854

y To Light The Dark 8-4-1960 The illumination of moonlight. _____ Have you ever seen the moon rise And spread its brilliant creamy rays Exposing all the shadows hiding in disguise And lighting up all its dark and haunted bays?

Have you ever seen it, just as I? Have you ever seen it, in just that way? *****

855

y Let Me Love You (Maybe To Sharon) 10-19-1960 A prayer for love. _____ My love for you is true and never will abate For this it seems is my chosen fate.

And so I pray, that my heart remains at the vaulted height It is right now, here in love with you tonight. *****

856

y Clouds From Nowhere 3-18-1962 My mind sometimes wanders into frightening places. _____ Deep in the still of the night While alone and pondering About everything and nothing Dark and heavy clouds came drifting in In their silent and subtle flight And choked my defenseless soul With a dreadful and terrifying fright. *****

857

y A Song With Wings 1-16-1963 The angelic power of song. _____ Oh, how I wish I had a voice That would give a song the magic wings That could fly it up to Heaven And make all the angels sing. *****

858

y A Subtle Fear Settled In 9-6-1963 Fear increases as darkness approaches. _____ As the black veil of Vesper begins to appear And the pressing darkness seeps slowly in And the city begins to slowly dim There settles into me a heavy fear − A heavy fear of almost everything. *****

859

y I Took A Chance The Pain Would Pass 5-10-1998 The music took precedence over my health ____ 1.

After 7 ½ years of renovation The house is finally finished And that big pressure is off me.

But while I’m now free to rest a bit, I don’t For I’ve now taken on two other major projects That I had postponed − My music and my poetry.

2.

One day, while working on my music compositions I felt my heart beating hard And fighting with itself − Beating so hard that I had to ask myself, “Am I having a heart attack?

Am I fighting for my life?”

3.

My lungs were struggling for their breaths As if someone were sitting on my chest.

I felt the blood in my head, hot and pulsing.

And I had a pain in my heart that wouldn’t dissipate.

860

4.

I had to decide: “Go to the hospital?

Or take a chance that it would pass?”

5.

“No! No! Not to the hospital”, I admonished myself, “You’ve got too much work to do.

You can’t ‘baby-out’.

You’ve got to press on.

You’ve got to get your projects finished!

And don’t worry”, I assured myself with my fingers crossed, “It’ll pass.”

6.

This was what I heard myself saying.

This was the irrational but real debate I was engaged in.

This was the dangerous dialogue I was having with myself.

7.

Well it did pass, thank god.

But you know It could have easily gone The other way. *****

861

y

They Can’t Do You Any Harm 8-10-1999 The protection that comes from being a good soul. _____ 1.

At first, you don’t see anything in the dark.

But then you notice something moving And some blurry shapes and images begin to emerge Which soon develop into ghosts.

2.

These ghosts will shyly touch you To try and unnerve you.

3.

They’ll also touch you both randomly And in cleverly spaced and measured cadence Designed to slowly drive you mad.

4.

And when they get their courage up They may even get aggressive.

862

5.

But don’t be afraid For they can only threaten And try to scare you For with a soul as unblemished And a heart as pure as yours They can’t do you any harm. *****

863

y Things Take Their Toll 10-28-2000 The permanent effects of a tragedy. _____ 1.

When tragedy strikes It can leave some awful and permanent scars.

When tragedy strikes It can take such a toll on you From which you’ll never fully recover And be the same person you were before.

2.

You’ll see, hear, feel and remember things That you don’t want to And there may even be times That are so bad That although you wouldn’t outright ask for death’s relief You might entertain an offer If it were presented in the right way And at the right time.

3.

In time All things heal But never completely.

864

4.

When tragedy strikes You never come back fully To the way you were before.

5.

When you visit Hell You’ll always bring some of it back with you As well as leave something of yourself behind.

6.

The album of your life Will always be full of Before and after pictures.

7.

You’ll never come back The same way you left – Not completely anyway. *****

865

y Curses Breed (Manila) 8-15-2001 Curses are the worst. _____ 1.

Even the most horrendous deeds Can’t rival the evil That are born from curses.

2.

A murder is fixed in a time and place But an evil curse is everywhere.

3.

Curses are a plague That inbreed and infect everything.

4.

They’re in the air and everywhere And once breathed in Death will quickly follow.

5.

An evil curse Goes everywhere. *****

866

y They Tell Me Scary Stories In My Sleep 10-16-2001 Someone’s scary dreams. _____ 1.

They tell me scary stories in my sleep And however much I try not to listen It doesn’t help For they still succeed in scaring me.

2.

They put scary images in my head That make me cower Whenever their images appear And make me so scared at times That I almost want to cry.

3.

I often have to get up Turn on the light And walk them off.

It’s the only way sometimes That I can ground their haunting images And reconnect with reality.

867

4.

They tell me scary stories in my sleep, Put scary images in my head, And haunt me Like a phantom would.

5.

Oh how I wish That they would find it in their hearts To just leave me alone And let me sleep A peaceful sleep. *****

868

y Over All My Drinks (My Stations Of The Cross) 1-6-2002 Periods where I reflect upon things. _____ 1.

My coffee in the morning My soda over lunch My glass of wine at night.

2.

These are the little markers in my day Where I reflect upon myself And on life.

3.

These are my stations of the cross Where I pause and review my failings Repent for my sins And light my candles for the future.

4.

These are my waypoints in the day – My stations of the cross: My coffee in the morning, My soda at lunch, And my glass of wine at night. *****

869

y I Am A Cloth Not Fully Wrung Out Yet 9-26-2004 Though old I still have a lot left in me. ______ 1.

I am a cloth That’s been in use For many years.

2.

Some may think I’m finished And there’s nothing left in me.

But, despite appearances, use and age There’s still a lot more left in me And more than you might think.

3.

Yes, I’m an old cloth But one That’s not been fully wrung out yet. *****

870

y At No Extra Charge 8-7-2005 All his extras come at no extra charge. _____ 1.

I make excuses For all your shortfalls − 2.

I stand by you Through all your trials and tribulations − 3.

I worry about you For your safety and your happiness − 4.

I bear all your hurts And always forgive you for them − 5.

In addition to giving you all my love I give you all these extras too − At no extra charge! *****

871

y Days On The Farm And Nights In Town 4-6-2008 Fantasy helping to cope with reality. _____ 1.

You’re on the farm every day of your life.

But once in a while You go to town and meet a woman − A woman who is wild and free − A woman who makes you feel…like a man.

2.

She’s the kind of woman who’s the complete opposite Of the one you married − A woman who you’d never marry − A woman who’s completely wrong for you in life But yet For that one night in town Is completely right for you.

3.

One night with the girl in town Serves its purpose For she’ll help you bear Your long hard days and nights on the farm − And as strange as it may seem She’ll also keep you steady With the one you love.

872

4.

The girl in town is not the one Who you’d ever settle down with For one night in town Is all you can take of her − And lucky for you For that’s all you need. *****

873

y Miracles Are All About 1-1-2010 Seeing miracles in simple things. _____ 1.

Take a deep breath of the clean blue sky.

2.

Feel the fresh wind in your hair.

3.

Feel the cool summer rain on your face.

4.

Smell the special fragrance of the flowers.

5.

Enjoy the changing colors in the sky.

6.

Touch the bolder Knowing that it was made over a billion years ago.

7.

See miracles in everything And everywhere. *****

874

y Always Standing On Lines 3-21-2010 There are lines for everything in life. _____ 1.

We always have to wait on line For almost everything in life.

2.

Just as there’s a line for the movies, Or to register your car, Or get money from the bank There’s also a line for wisdom, A line for love, And a line for peace of mind.

There’s a line for everything in life.

3.

Sometimes you’re lucky to find a line that moves fast Or one that can even handle multiple transactions But it’s very rare For most of the time you’ll have to stand On a lot of single, slow-moving and inefficient lines Where all you can do is hope that you’re on the right line, That you won’t have to wait too long, And that the window doesn’t close Before you get there. *****

875

y

Mom’s In A Cold, Cold Grave (To My Father) 8-1-1960 The impact that my mother’s death had on my father. ______ 1.

Oh God, please tell me why You took the sun down from his sky For I cannot bear to see my father there In his early and undeserved despair?

Mom’s in a cold, cold grave.

2.

He lived his life with her for 22 years But now what’s left for him is only sorrow and tears.

Oh God, oh God, please help this man In any way You can!

Mom’s in a cold, cold grave.

3.

When he plays the piano his music is drained of any hope For only broken dreams remain for him with which to cope.

As he runs his fingers across the keys He stares out blankly at what I can only guess he sees.

Mom’s in a cold, cold grave.

876

4.

He turns, with his eyes teary and downcast And says, “I live now only in the past And for me there’s no longer any dawn For my life’s all through, now that your mother’s gone.”

Mom’s in a cold, cold grave.

5.

He visits the place of her last rest − A cold and dreary place where he stands with sunken chest − A place where the clouds hang low and the trees are bare And gruesome gray shadows are everywhere.

Mom’s in a cold, cold grave.

6.

There he stands with his shoulders stooped and his head hung low And where his tears turn cold as the icy winds do blow And bite and chill him to the bone Telling him that this is now her new home.

Mom’s in a cold, cold grave.

7.

And as he looks up at the dim lit sky He asks God just one question, “Why, Why God, couldn’t You have just left us be And not taken this dearest one from me?”

Mom’s in a cold, cold grave. *****

877

y

My Grandfather’s Death (On Grandpa Hackett) 5-12-1964 I took leave from the navy to attend the funeral of my kind, softspoken, maternal grandfather, John F. Hackett, Sr., at St. Vincent Ferrer’s Church in Brooklyn where I attended grammar school. _____ 1.

The prayers and bells of Death much sorrow bring And the rhythmic Latin chants of the priests evoke In me the darkest feelings I have ever known Rising up to meet the soul I now bemoan.

No sadder sorrows or emotions in me have ever been awoke Than when those doleful priestly chants were sung And the heavy church bells did loudly ring.

2.

Oh, how those death-songs plummet my heart and soul into grief And how the black-garbed choir voices so deep in me do resonate.

How easily they rise up, these choking sorrows Inside of me, bringing with them all their latent woes.

And how those mournful waves of lamentations plait Themselves around my heart in ever-tightening weaves.

878

3.

Although enough sadness had already pervaded the church When I saw the 6 pall bearers assemble around the casket’s place More hidden vaults within me were wrenched wide open Allowing even greater and deeper sorrows to irrupt − And even more so, when I looked into his death-mask ashen face.

4.

Oh Sorrow and Despair, how you make my bankrupt heart race With pain, and show me not an ounce of pity As you tauntingly parade yourselves before me.

Farewell, Grandpa, and may you find that restful promised place That for all your life you believed existed somewhere in eternity. *****

879

y

My Father’s Aging (To Dad) 9-21-1998 Had I been more perceptive about his aging I might have been more comfort to him before he died. _____ 1.

I never saw my father getting old.

We were both so lock-stepped in time That it wasn’t so apparent to me Just how much and how fast he was actually aging.

2.

But when I looked back through all my photo albums I could see what I hadn’t seen before − Just how much he had been aging Throughout the years.

3 And only now, now that he’s gone, Do I realize how much I’d been distracted By all the fighting that we did And how I sadly missed so many chances to tell him How much I really loved him Which I know now Would have been the greatest gift to him.

880

4.

But in my defense What love was deep inside of me Was all contorted and confused And hard to recognize.

It was a frightened love That was afraid to show itself And almost impossible to give.

5.

I always thought that there would be Plenty of time and opportunity in our lives For peace and reconciliation to come.

It never dawned on me That there was any urgency to this matter And that one day we might run out of time.

6.

And so as Life would have it We did run out of time And unwittingly I let him walk his final miles alone All because I didn’t have The insight, foresight, maturity, charity, sensitivity or whatever To see my father aging − To see him dying − While it was actually happening.

So now It’s sadly all too late for anything. *****

881

y

Mother’s Day (On My Mother) 5-9-1999 Feeling sad about not having a mother on Mother’s Day. _____ 1.

Today, on Mother’s Day I have no mother’s eyes to look into Or a Mother’s loving eyes To look back at me.

2.

Today on Mother’s Day I have no mother left to love Or to love me in return.

3.

Oh Archer, take aim again At this here undeveloped heart of mine And finish up thy deed.

4.

Words can never fair convey The wanting, absence, and disquiet Of a mother gone away.

882

5.

Oh Sorrow How cruelly you have carved a hole in me And what a dry and empty desert You have put me in.

6.

Dear Sorrow Can I bargain with you For the anthem of my loss?

Can I negotiate with you To have you fill back up The heart that you have emptied?

7.

Dear Life and Sorrow Can you tell me what your motive was To have put this life-long curse on me?

And what more do you want of me For haven’t I already given you My most precious gift − That of my one and only mother? *****

883

y

I Didn’t Hold Him So Convincingly (On Dad) 10-25-2000 An incident with my father grieving over my mother’s death where I possibly could have been more responsive. _____ 1.

My father was so much in love with my mother.

She was his everything And the only one who really understood him And who loved him for himself.

So when she died He lost everything.

2.

Death embezzled her from him Slowly and painfully And right before his eyes Leaving him with a bankrupt heart From which he never recovered.

3.

The more he reached out To grasp her frail and outstretched hand The more it faded and slipped away from him.

884

4.

He felt her every pain.

And out of love for her He might have felt it even more than she − Just in a different way.

5.

It broke his heart and sunk his soul When slow, like torture, she died on him.

And when she died, he died too Right there next to her.

6.

He thought about her every day And frequently visited her grave Where he’d stare down through the ground at her As if she were still alive and looking up at him For now, this was the only way he had to be close to her And all that he had left of her.

7.

With five children to raise alone I’m sure that he was tempted On more than one occasion To end his hopeless life, To drown himself in drink, Or to run away and leave us on our own.

We worried and we waited But he never did.

885

8.

So attached was he to her That when she died He was truly set adrift And in many ways So were we.

9.

He looked for comfort From his children − The only living part of her That he had left.

10.

I remember one night He sat down next to me And sobbing softly Held me And asked me to hold him back.

I was uncomfortable and confused For I wasn’t used to things like that.

11.

Though I did it I’m not sure I did it − So convincingly.

Was it adequate enough?

Or was it only something half-hearted And something that made him feel Even more alone and empty inside?

886

12.

When I think about it now I could have held him Harder, longer and more convincingly.

Even though he’d caught me by surprise And I wasn’t used to things like that I felt I should have given him just a little more − And a little more convincingly − For his sake then And for my sake now. *****

887

y I Heard Him Crying Down The Hall (On Dad) 10-14-2001 Should I have been more comfort to my farther after my mother’s death? _____ 1.

When my mother died She left my father alone and broken-hearted.

And sometimes in the middle of the night When I was in my bed I could hear him crying down the hall.

She had been his life.

2.

Did the other four − My brother and my sisters − Hear him too?

Or was it only me?

Was I the only one Having trouble sleeping?

888

3.

After she died He never was the same.

Life had cheated him.

Life had brought him down − From the top to the bottom Almost all at once And from which he never recovered.

4.

At night when I was in my bed I could hear him crying down the hall But didn’t − couldn’t – wouldn’t go to him.

“There was really nothing I could do” − I guessed − I figured − I avoided − I convinced myself.

5.

So I just listened in the dark Feeling helpless, guilty and sad About him, me, and everything. *****

889

y Standing In Their Empty Room (To My Mother And Father) 1-7-2002 My parents left little to give me insight into them as individuals.

(This poem is the theme of a book I drafted and will try to publish.) _____ 1.

When my parents died I realized that I really only knew them As my mother and father − As my parents − But not as the individuals and people They also were.

2.

Except for my own personal memories And perceptions of them I knew very little about them From their point of view − About their private lives, Their inner personal feelings, And their views about life and love − For they left nothing about these sort of things behind And sadly took all that with them To their graves.

890

3.

They never wrote anything personal about themselves − Not in any poems, diaries, notes or letters − Nothing about: Their feelings and emotions, Their joys and sorrows, The plans and worries that they had, Their views about the world in which they lived, Their hopes and wishes for me and themselves And so many other things About the life we shared together as a family.

I was left to only guess about so many of those things.

4.

So when they left I felt as though I’d been orphaned in a way.

One minute I had everything of them And the next minute I had nothing.

5.

I felt as though I had woken up one day And found their room completely empty.

It were as though They’d slipped out in the middle of the night And took everything with them.

6.

Had they not cared enough To even leave me a note?

Were they that insensitive?

891

7.

More likely though They just never thought about it much And how valuable it might have been to me To have been left something personal About themselves.

8.

Had they thought about it just a little more − Had they had a little more foresight − They might have left a little something And not taken everything with them To their graves.

9.

By leaving something as simple as A few personal writings About themselves, the times they lived in, The experiences, feelings and emotions they had, And maybe even something personal about me, They could have avoided Leaving me naked on the church steps And saved me from the orphanage.

10.

And by leaving something personal About themselves They could have avoided Putting this open and inadvertent hole in me.

892

11.

By leaving something personal about themselves They also could have had a chance To be better understood As well as had a chance For a modest bit of immortality − But they didn’t.

12.

I’ve learned well From my parent’s “mistakes” In that leaving an empty room like they did Will not be one of my mistakes For when I pass away They’ll find my room Far from empty. *****

893

y

My Father’s Sweater (On My Father) 2-8-2002 The possible symbolism of my wearing my father’s old sweater. _____ 1.

I wear my father’s old Maroon knitted sweater now And wonder what symbolic meaning That may have.

2.

We rarely got along when he was here And things were very tense between us.

It was like waiting for a storm to break That always did.

Our personalities would clash, Arguments would flash, And we’d always seem To touch each other’s nerves.

3.

So with his passing And the wearing of his sweater Am I now in some unconscious way Trying to undo or compensate For all our past misunderstandings?

894

4.

Is the wearing of my father’s old maroon sweater Some kind of peace offering to him?

An open and extended hand?

The formal ending of hostilities?

Reparation for damages done?

Amnesty for crimes committed?

A symbolic burying of the hatchet?

A confession and absolution?

5.

Is it a form of paying my last respects to him? − A kind of sad memorial to two old soldiers Who fought in the same war But on opposite sides? − A belated reconciliation That we sadly never could achieve While he was alive?

6.

I don’t know exactly what it means But it’s probably a little bit of each.

But what I do know is That it’s now a sad and weighty thing for me Knowing that our reconciliation Hadn’t come while he was alive And that all I have to offer him now Is the wearing of his old Maroon knitted sweater. *****

895

y He Also Said Goodbye (On My Father Losing My Mom) 4-9-2002 My father knew my mother was dying. _____ 1.

He looked into her eyes, Kissed her on the cheek, And said, “Goodnight.”

Everything of love and pain Was in his look and kiss.

But when he said, “Goodnight” He also said, “Goodbye.”

2.

He firmly held her hand Reassuring her that he was there.

And from his breaking heart He told her that he loved her.

Everything was in those words For he knew full well That when the morning came She might be gone.

896

3.

She was dying And he was facing an empty life alone.

With five of us young children, motherless We would only put more weight on him For we were all too young To be of any comfort in his sorrow.

4.

He knew how hard his life would be Without her.

He knew that when she died He’d be sentenced to a lonely life of misery.

He also knew that he’d be better off If he could just go along with her.

5.

Then she died.

And when she did His heart and spirit Followed her.

6.

In my bed at night I would hear him crying down the hall.

My brother and my sisters Might have heard him too But I was never really sure − And never asked − And just kept it to myself.

897

7.

Each night he held her hand And when he said, “Goodnight” He also said, “Goodbye.” *****

898

y Transported To The Past (By The Clattering Of The Dishes) 12-9-2008 A flashback to those not so happy years after Mom died. _____ 1.

As I was putting away the dishes one night Their clattering sounds Triggered something inside of me For the next thing I knew I was hearing the clattering of the dishes In our dim-lit yellow kitchen back home in Brooklyn Nearly 50 years ago.

I’d somehow been transported back − Back through both time and space − Back to the time Right after Mom had died.

2.

Some kind of sinister magician Had apparently snapped his fingers And sent me back To those not so happy years when Mom died And I had just turned 17 And was the oldest of the 5 of us With the youngest one Being just around 5.

899

3.

The clattering of those dishes Had somehow opened up A worm-hole in time and space And converted My Today into my Yesterday − My Present into my Past.

4.

When Mom died The whole world changed for us Wherein our former lives became irrelevant.

I remembered all of it And all the things we now had to do ourselves − The washing, ironing, cleaning, cooking And dealing with Dad − All the things that Mom had always done for us before.

Starkly different times were thrust upon us.

5.

You learn to cope By just keeping busy And doing what you have to do And not over-thinking things too much.

You learn to cope By just accepting things as they are − That’s the theory anyway.

900

6.

Acceptance is not perfect though For whenever you find yourself with time to think Your nagging heartaches, fears and worries All show themselves And you fall into that sinkhole Of insecurity, anxiety and depression.

And when Dusk arrives It’s even worse For that’s when you know That Night is coming And you’ll be at your most vulnerable Laying in bed, Staring at the ceiling, And feeling the Night Trying to swallow you whole.

7.

In many ways You can get used to anything.

But in many ways You can’t For how can you shake the constant pining For the things that used to be But that aren’t any more And will never be again?

How can you effectively mediate Between the two battling war-lords in your head − Those of Memory and Denial?

901

8.

I used to enjoy the Night Because it offered me invisibility.

But when Mom died I more preferred the Day For the Day Was much more sympathetic to my grief By offering me a multitude of visible images To distract me from my new reality Which was something that the Night Would never do for me.

9.

So many times I found myself wondering If the Night would ever end on its own Or if I should just end it myself And be done with it all.

10.

My eyes were often Wide-eyed searchlights in the Dark And when I closed them − Thinking that would help − Things got even worse.

11.

When the lightning in my mind Flashed too bright And the thunder of my pounding heart Rolled too loud I pulled the covers over my head Afraid of everything.

902

12.

With the clattering of the dishes A second time I was fast-forwarded From those gloomy and motherless days Of the Past Back to the Present.

Although I was only gone For a second or two It seemed like An eternity. *****

903

y Changing History (Everyone Loves A Happy Ending) (On My Father) (Manila, 4:45 am) 5-8-2011 A surreal dream-wish that I could change the history of the relationship between my father and me. _____ 1.

I went behind the battle lines That History had drawn for us Where my father and I Had fought so many battles Long and hard and personal.

2.

I went behind those battle lines To look for my father’s grave Hoping that History − When I did find it − Was still “curing” And hadn’t fully “set” And that I could possibly change it Before it did.

904

3.

I was hoping that our story Was still in draft form And that I still had a chance To do some last minute editing Before it went final.

4.

I was hoping – And almost out of breath with worry − That when I found his grave It wouldn’t be too late And that I’d find That the epitaph for his tombstone Was still in the mason’s notes And hadn’t already been chiseled in stone.

5.

I searched and searched And finally found him in his grave Half dead, and half covered up with dirt − Yes, half-dead but still alive.

I was so desperate to find him − And so relieved when I had − That I never gave it a second thought As to how impossible this all was.

905

6.

Kneeling at the edge of his grave I reached down and shook him.

He was almost cold with death by now But not fully yet.

And when his eyes opened slightly I shook him again and told him it was me.

Then I breathed a little more life into him Which he accepted And opened his eyes a little more.

They looked so tired, but not angry Which had been my fear.

Rather, they looked soft and glad to see me − Glad to see his prodigal son coming to his rescue − Coming to change the ending of our story − To an ending That would put us on better terms So he could rest more easily in his grave And I could live my life With a little more peace of mind.

7.

For the first time in our lives We agreed on something.

We agreed to change our stories To something more like A father and son’s story ought to be like And less like the story of two bitter adversaries That History had originally cast us as.

906

8.

We caught History just in time − Just before it became final.

We also caught it in a good mood And was able to convince it That the changes we proposed were worth it Not only for our sakes But for History’s sake as well For everyone − Including History − Loves a story with a happy ending. *****

907

y All Out Of Sequence (Taking My Place) (On Christine) 10-8-2011 Being the oldest I thought that I’d be the first to go. _____ 1.

With my being the oldest of my brother and sisters By all that’s right I should have been the first to go But instead my younger sister, Chris Is sadly taking my place.

2.

If everything were on schedule And in their proper order My name would have been The first to be called.

But now, everything’s so off schedule And all out of sequence.

3.

The way that I figured things would turn out Aren’t turning out that way at all For Chris is leaving way ahead of me And there’s nothing I can do about it.

908

4.

The dominos in the family have now begun to fall But not in the order they should be falling − Not from the beginning of the line But rather from the middle.

Dear God, why have you allowed everything To get so out of sequence And so misaligned?

5.

Dear God Please take another look at things And how they’re turning out And correct the honest mistake That you’ve apparently made.

And don’t worry, God I won’t tell a living soul of your mistake And promise to keep it a secret Between the two of us.

6.

Please God Find it in your heart To correct this little glitch In your design That would be so easy for you to fix And realign.

909

7.

Please God Please correct your inadvertent error And put Chris back in the line And back on schedule So she can have her life back And I can free my soul From this self-imposed guilt That I now carry Knowing that sadly She’s taking my place.

8.

Please Lord Put our dearest sister, Chris Back on schedule And in the proper sequence So we can have her with us For the time that we had originally planned on − While it wouldn’t mean so much to you, God It would mean everything to us. *****

910

y

“Can You Get It?” (On My Grandpa Hackett) 12-11-2012 A true story about my Grandpa Hackett. _____ 1.

Every morning my grandfather − Grandpa Hackett − A retired Captain in the New York City Fire Department Came down to our house Wearing only a light sweater − No matter how cold it was outside − And took in our garbage cans.

2.

He was a simple man With no hobbies or avocations To fill up his retirement time.

He just smoked his cigars, Read his newspaper, Listened to my grandmother talk, And took in the garbage cans.

911

3.

My grandmother on the other hand Did a lot of little things to keep herself busy.

She sewed a lot, Made bandages for the Cancer Society, Fixed everything that was broken, And never threw anything out As that would have been both wasteful and a sin.

She also collected bacon grease from us From which she made pasty brown soap That she then gave to us to use.

4.

Everyday my grandmother would cook Either boiled corn beef and cabbage Or boiled ham and potatoes And my grandfather never complained.

5.

One time when my grandmother was away My father, knowing what a boring Irish diet he had Invited him out to a local Italian restaurant.

6.

When the waiter came over And asked what he’d like to have My grandfather said, “I’d like to have some corn beef and cabbage.”

With that My father held up his hand to the waiter and said, “Please, give us a minute.”

912

7.

My father tried to reason with him.

“Captain”, he said, “You have corn beef and cabbage every day.

Why don’t you take a look at the menu And try something different.”

So he looked at the menu again.

8.

When the waiter returned And asked him what he wanted My grandfather again said, “I’d really like to have some corn beef and cabbage.”

9.

The waiter then said to him, “Sir, this is an Italian restaurant And we serve Italian food which is a world renowned cuisine − And besides, we don’t have corn beef and cabbage.”

10.

Then my grandfather After politely looking at the menu for a while longer Looked up at the waiter and said, “Can you get it?”

11.

That was my grandfather – A very simple and no frills gentleman Who liked what he liked. *****

913

y

My Father’s Old New Shoes (On My Father And “Big Richie”) 12-30-2012 A story about the shoes “Big Richie” inherited from my father. _____ 1.

My father had a little problem: He couldn’t resist sales.

He couldn’t resist buying anything that was on sale For all the savings that he thought he’d be getting.

2.

The problem was: A lot of what he bought on sale He never wore And would just sit unopened in his closet and drawers In their original cellophane wrappings or cardboard boxes 3.

So when he died He had a lot of “new” clothes That we offered to any family member Who wanted them.

914

4.

Well, when it came to Some unopened “new” shoes that he had “Big Richie” enthusiastically said that he’d take them.

5.

One day he wore a pair of those shoes To a business lunch In a Manhattan restaurant.

6.

When lunch was over He got up and walked out And onto the hot summer street But couldn’t figure out Why his feet felt like they were burning.

7.

When he looked down And lifted up his feet to check on them He saw that he had no soles on his shoes!

8.

He then went back into the restaurant With his shoes making a distinctive flapping sound And saw the soles of his soles In the middle of the floor.

915

9.

What had happened was My father had had those unused shoes For so many years in his closet That the stitching had all dried out And easily came apart.

10.

So “Big Richie” swallowed his pride Picked up the soles of his shoes And left the restaurant As quietly as he could.

11.

That was the story Of “Big Richie” And my father’s old “new” shoes. *****

916

y

“Eat The Chocolate” (On My Uncle Artie) 1-29-2014 Following my Uncle Artie’s advice. _____ 1.

My Uncle Artie was 89 years old And dying in the hospital.

Somehow we got on the subject of health And what’s bad for you to eat.

2.

When the subject of chocolate came up As one of the things you shouldn’t eat My uncle signaled to me with his hand To come closer.

3.

And with my ear very close to him He whispered with a weak, low and raspy voice − Like Marlon Brando spoke in the movie, “The Godfather” − “Neil, my doctor told me not to eat chocolate.

For 25 years I didn’t eat any chocolate.

Let me tell you something − Eat the chocolate.”

917

4.

There was some real wisdom in those words About the tradeoff between The quality of life Verses The length of life.

5.

So now I follow my uncle’s advice And “Eat the chocolate.” *****

918

y A Thousand Soldiers Must Die (On Fred Chen) 3-8-2014 Remembering an incident with my old boss Fred Chen. _____ 1.

Fred Chen Was a Chinese partner at Peat Marwick and my boss When we worked together on the annual audit Of our client, the European-American Bank.

2.

I was a supervisor at the time And on one occasion I needed to get a report done For the Chief Financial Officer, John Lowe So he could present it to the Board of Directors the next day.

3.

So my team of auditors and I Worked through the night And into the following morning − Occasionally sleeping on desks to get some rest − And got that report for John In time for his meeting.

919

4.

A few days later John met with Fred and I in his office Where John mentioned to Fred that he had learned That my team and I had worked all night So that he could deliver his report to the Board And that while he was very appreciative of our efforts He felt bad that we had to work all night.

5.

With that, Fred held up his hand And stopped John from saying anything more And then said, in a firm and authoritative voice, “John, did you get your report and present it to the Board?”

“Yes”, John replied “Then don’t worry about it, John”, Fred continued, “For just remember A thousand soldiers must die To make one general famous.” ~ That was Fred. *****

920

y Come To My Bedside (I Won’t Keep You Very Long) (To My Wife And Children) 2-17-2002 My own wishes through this man’s last request. _____ 1.

“My dearest wife and children Come to me − Come to my beside So I can say good-bye to you For I am dying as I speak.”

2.

“Oh come and sit beside my bed Look into my eyes And hold my hand − Don’t let me go alone.”

3.

“Come close so I can look at you − Into your dear young faces That are now looking down at me And not fully understanding what is happening”

921

4.

“Let me study them and relive All the history of our lives together That they contain.”

5.

“Let me take your images Deep into my mind and heart As they represent my most cherished legacy.”

6.

“Let your dearest images and memories Be the last things that I see and hold Before they put me in my grave.”

7.

“Come here by my bedside, My dearest wife and children And my other loved ones.

Be my last and final comforts In this world.”

8.

“Oh I know you have your own lives to live And your own busy schedules to attend to But please Stay with me for the little time that I have left And I promise you I won’t keep you very long.” *****

922

y As Rich As I (To Vi And The Children) 11-18-2002 Taking stock and appreciation for what I have. _____ 1.

To see the lovely moonlight On the floor.

2.

To hear a bird Chirping on the deck.

3.

To feel the heat Slowly overtaking The winter coldness of the room.

4.

To contemplate The quiet of the morn.

5.

To know I have a wife As wonderful as mine.

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6.

To see my children Sleeping in their beds.

7.

Never should I Feel sorry for myself For any of my problems For I know there aren’t many people Who are as lucky Or as rich as I. *****

924

y For Which Should I Prepare Myself?

(On My Family) 11-15-2008 Remembering all the sounds in the house. _____ 1.

When I’m home alone I still hear All the sounds of the house As if everyone were still there.

2.

I can hear: Mom, rustling in the kitchen, Kerry, thundering down the stairs, And Leandra, greeting me with, “Hi, Dadio!”

3.

All these precious family sounds Are embedded in my heart and memory And will stay with me forever.

And when everybody’s out And I’m home alone They resurface And fill up all the empty rooms again Like spirits come alive.

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4.

And what will all these memories Do for me When Mom and the kids May be gone for good And I’m home alone?

5.

Would I be better off With their memories?

Or without them?

Will they give me solace?

Or just accentuate the pain of missing them?

Will they comfort me Or torture me?

6.

This is my dilemma: Which of these Two counter-posing scenarios Will fall on me?

And which one Should I prepare myself for? *****

926

y Be Careful What You Ask For (On My Family In The Philippines) 11-5-2011 A simple and naïve request that had deadly consequences. _____ 1.

One time When I visited the Philippines And stayed at Tatay and Nanay’s * farm I got sick and developed a fever. * Father and mother, in Filipino 2.

As I was lying in bed one afternoon Feeling horrible And unable to eat much of anything Nanay came into my room And asked me if I’d like to have A little chicken soup.

3.

“A little chicken soup?”, I thought to myself “That’s what I need − a little chicken soup!”

So I replied to her, “Yes, Nanay, that would be great.”

927

4.

So as I’m lying there Thinking about that nice bowl of chicken soup That she was going to prepare for me I heard a commotion outside my window, “Squawk, squawk, squawk” Followed by an eerie silence.

5.

You have to be careful what you ask for On a farm. *****

928

y Always Planting For A Future Harvest (To My Children) 4-2-1998 Hoping they’ll follow the guidance we’ve tried to give them. _____ 1.

We’ve tried to teach our children What’s right and wrong − What’s good and bad − And what’s polite and what’s not.

2.

We’ve planted little seeds in them For a future harvest Relying on the sun and rain To do the rest.

3.

We’ve put little compasses In the pockets of their jackets To help them find their way.

4.

And we’ve rubbed scents under their noses So they would know The scent they need to follow When that’s all they have to go on.

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5.

So all we can do now Is hope they’ll check their pockets, Follow their noses, And pray for rain. *****

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y A Perfect Ending (On My Children) 3-7-2001 Watching my children sleeping overwhelmed me with love. _____ 1.

On my way to bed I passed by my children’s rooms.

All was silent within.

2.

I heard them breathing Slowly in and out.

I heard their beating hearts And smelled their children-scents As animals do with their young.

3.

A special calm and peace came over me As my heart filled up with love of them.

I felt as though I were lifted up And looking down on them From somewhere high above.

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4.

And as I looked at them − With all the love I had inside of me At its highest and proudest peak − I felt that if I were to die At this very moment It would be the perfect time and ending To my life. *****

932

y In Their Brown And Gold Picture Frames (To My Children) 10-16-2001 My family pictures comfort me as I walk the house at night. _____ 1.

As I walk around the house I’m never alone For my children’s pictures are everywhere In their little brown and gold picture frames All at different ages And in different settings.

2.

Each night they wait for me To make my rounds.

And as I enter each and every room Their eyes follow me devotedly.

3.

I silently say “hello” to them And they reply in kind Acknowledging my presence And thanking me for my visit.

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4.

They are my guideposts in the night And my cherished comforts That are always there To keep me company.

5.

They are perfect in almost every way Representing the static best Of times, events and moods That we have shared together.

6.

They never age or change in any way.

They are always smiling, Well-behaved, And respectful all the time.

7.

They’ll never move away and leave me alone And will always be there for me Whenever I need them − Always waiting for me In their little brown and gold picture frames.

8.

Because of them My heart’s content And I never feel alone.

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9.

Although my little world of pictures is almost perfect It’s not completely perfect For I know that the subjects in these pictures Have all in fact changed.

10.

And although I know That they have changed in reality I take comfort in the fact That the children in these pictures That I visit every night Will never change And will always be there for me Forever fixed in demeanor, time and place In their little brown and gold picture frames. *****

935

y Taking Down The Swings (To Leandra And Kerry) 10-18-2002 Time moves on, often with some sadness and nostalgia. _____ 1.

Last Sunday afternoon I took down the children’s swings.

2.

I remember the happy day I put them up When they were very young.

But now, with their removal A kind of sadness came over me As it marked the end of something – The end of their innocent childhood.

3.

I felt an emptiness inside of me − The emptiness for things lost and gone by − A sad and vacant feeling For two children Who had died on me last Sunday afternoon And who I buried next to each other Side by side − For two children Who had passed away When they became young adults.

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4.

Although it only took about 3 hours To take down the swings The grieving period For my dear departed children Will last a lifetime. *****

937

y

It Seems I’ve Loved You All My Life (To Vi) 9-17-2004 The mystery image of who I was looking for was finally disclosed. _____ 1.

It seemed like long before I ever met you It was you Who was always In the back of my mind And in the deepest part of my heart.

2.

For years I tried to figure out Who that mystery person was That I had always wanted And needed in my life Until it slowly came to me That it was you.

3.

Before I knew that it was you It was just: A shadow on the wall, A whisper in my ear, A ghostly figure in the dark, A vague reflection in the mirror, And a dream I had at night.

938

4.

It was just: A question in my mind And a tug on my heart − Something that was always there But never quite enough to fully identify Until I finally saw That it was you.

5.

So long before I ever met you It was you Who was always there.

It was you Who was always in the back of my mind And in my heart and dreams.

6.

So even though I didn’t know it It seems I’ve loved you all my life. *****

939

y I Want To See You Cry (To Vi) 10-31-2005 Crying for the right reason. _____ 1.

I want to see you cry the day I pass away − Not to see you hurt in any way − But just to know How much I meant to you.

2.

I want to see you cry So I will know that what we had together Was worth the broken heart and all the tears That follow with my passing.

3.

I want to see you cry For then I’ll know that you have come to know That you will never find another Who’ll love you more than I. 4.

I want to see you cry the day I pass away − Not to see you hurt in any way − But rather just to know How much we loved each other. ***** 940

y I Kiss Her Goodnight Anyway (On Vi) 8-11-2013 Old habits. _____ 1.

I got up early in the morning Like I always did, Had a piece of bread and coffee, Worked on my writings, And waited for Vi To come downstairs and join me.

But then I remembered That she wouldn’t be coming down For she died on me some years ago.

2.

After doing the lawn I came into the house But didn’t see her working in the kitchen As she usually did.

Then I remembered that she had passed away And I wouldn’t be seeing her Standing at the sink and working on her cutting board.

So I just sat down And starred at that empty sink and silent cutting board Pretending she was there.

941

3.

Then when lunch time came I thought I heard her Asking me what I wanted to eat.

But it was just my imagination As I had to make my own sandwich And eat it alone − Except for the image I saw of her Sitting across from me.

4.

Later on in the day I took a sail around Captain’s Island Imagining she was with me And helping me with the lines.

But she wasn’t.

“Maybe she’ll come the next time?”, I lied to myself.

5.

Then in the evening After watching TV for a while on the couch I got tired and decided to go to bed.

So I leaned over to kiss her good-night But her usual spot next to me was empty And I withdrew.

It was just another habit that I’d have to break.

But from missing her so much And a heart that won’t let go I leaned over again And kissed her goodnight − Anyway.

942

6.

Everything I ever did Was with her And now she’s gone.

7.

I prefer to make these little mistakes − Imagining That she’s still here − Than to face the pained reality Of admitting That she’s gone.

8.

So in the morning I wait for her to come downstairs And join me for breakfast.

9.

And for lunch I have my sandwich with her At the table.

10.

And in the evening When I’m ready to go to bed I lean over and kiss her goodnight − Anyway. *****

943

y Every Flower Will Hold Her Face (On Vi) 6-26-2014 Thinking about when Vi might no longer be with me. _____ 1.

When Vi dies I’ll miss her terribly.

But I'll still have her here with me − Just in a different way.

2.

Although she’ll be gone Every flower in our garden Will hold her face.

3.

In every summer breeze I’ll hear her voice.

4.

With every passing cloud She’ll blow a kiss to me.

5.

And when the sun comes up I’ll feel her warmth.

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6.

Although she’ll be gone She’ll still be with me − Just in a different way. *****

945

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