Muslim Views . January 2014
From Consciousness to Contentment
37
The second wife syndrome Conclusion... In the conclusion to the three-part series on the ‘second wife syndrome’, JASMINE KHAN presents the views of an aalim and a clinical psychologist. HEN I interviewed Shaikh Riyadh Walls on the issue, he pointed out that Surah Nisaa is more about taking care of orphans than it is about men taking multiple wives. He says that the institution itself is not wrong; it is more about how the practice has evolved culturally through the centuries. At the time of the Sahabah, every woman who became an adult had to be protected; her vulnerability made it imperative that she belong to a family. Women did not work and Allah makes it clear that men should provide and protect women. As time passed, a system of patriarchy evolved, which led to the abuse of the concept of man being the leader. Slowly, the reasons for taking a second wife changed, and this led to injustice. The system of polyganous marriages as practised in those times ensured that women were protected as per the decree of Allah. Nowadays, it is rare that a man takes another wife because she is a widow or divorcee with young children. It is more often a case of ‘I had feelings for her’, as I was told by a man when I asked him why he had married a woman younger than his eldest child. According to Shaikh Riyadh, the system is failing because boys are not educated to take responsibility and girls are not prepared for this to happen. Clinical Psychologist Ferial Johnstone says: ‘No dispute with the Qur’an that four wives are allowed is made in this response. Our idea of marriage in a western culture is very much influenced by western thinking and the concept of romantic love and the monogamous marriage. ‘Romantic love is a cultural construct where the person feels emotional and sexual attraction and “falls in love”. There is an expectation of romance and passion and that within the union the idealised attraction will be consummated. ‘There is also the expectation that this attraction will be sustained over the years and, hopefully, grow stronger. The sexual intimacy achieved after consummation is understood to be a unique experience and women often feel that it is what binds them to their husbands. ‘When we marry, we have a covert contract with our partner that we are entering into a monogamous relationship. When the husband wants to take a second wife it comes as a shock because it is outside of the cultural norm. ‘She sees it as a violation of the covert contract and feels betrayed by her partner and may feel he no
W
‘So she complies with his choice, despite the emotional cost; that is, her deep dissatisfaction with losing the unique intimacy with her husband.’ longer loves her. ‘It must be emphasised that it is a human tendency to be jealous, it is an instinctual reaction. The love object becomes a possession. And this territorial instinct causes tension in the relationship. ‘Realistically, the idealised union described earlier is not always sustainable. Marriage is subject to periods when partners feel distant from each other. In these periods of disconnect, partners may seek nurturance elsewhere. ‘When the husband introduces the second wife, the first wife may start to question herself and take on “blame” for her husband needing another partner. She questions her values and will try to prove to her husband that she is better than the other woman.
‘Helpless and angry, she feels that she does not have any power in the situation and has no choices available to her. ‘If she is financially dependent on her husband she believes she cannot leave him. ‘So she complies with his choice, despite the emotional cost; that is, her deep dissatisfaction with losing the unique intimacy with her husband. ‘She may also struggle with feelings of guilt and self-doubt, she questions the strength of her faith and feels shame regarding her feelings of anger and frustration with a life choice that is permitted by the Qur’an. ‘Our culture does not lend any support because no one can really feel her pain, and she feels isolated.
‘This often lowers her selfesteem and may prompt a downward spiral not only in her relationship with her husband but also in other areas of her life. Some women stay in the relationship despite significant emotional trauma. ‘They may resign themselves to “their lot”; the consequent feelings of depression, inadequacy, powerlessness and hopelessness become a way of life; their only solace being that they are behaving as God-fearing women should. ‘In the case of the second wife, where the second marriage is conducted in secret and kept ‘hidden’ from the community, she may suffer a negative impact on her selfesteem and also have to cope without the social support
enjoyed by openly accepted couples. ‘There seems to be more an element of choice. There is no sense of disempowerment and blows to self-esteem experienced by the first wife. ‘The presence of a first wife is known from the outset and this is in fact an explicit contract where conditions regarding time-sharing, financial responsibilities etc. are stipulated. ‘The second wife is given an opportunity to review the terms of the marriage contract as it is in reality, and is then able to make an informed choice regarding her primary relationship and the consequent lifestyle. ‘This is in contrast to the first wife where the contract is idealised and covert; the first wife is unprepared for an alternative lifestyle choice. ‘In conclusion, we return to the notion of marriage in our context where a couple falls in love, forms a family, with aspirations and hopes that is in agreement with our cultural norms. ‘Our relationships are based on what we know, using our parents and others as examples for a way of being. ‘In this case and in this context, there is little frame of reference. ‘When a second marriage occurs, both relationships fall outside of these cultural norms. We must, therefore, be cognizant that the underlying experience for both the first and second wife may be that of loss of what is known, understood and accepted, and that significant adjustments to lifestyle are needed for the family to survive.’ In doing the research for this series the following facts have come to light: l Allah permits taking more than one wife but with strict conditions. l Currently, there are too many cases where these conditions are not adhered to. l We live in a predominantly western society and, for good or ill, have taken on those values. l There is a serious lack in education as to how we raise both boys and girls. l When a man, for no good reason other than that he feels like it, takes another wife after decades of marriage, his first wife suffers serious emotional damage. l This is a form of abuse. l The second wife also has a much harder task as she has, in most cases, an exemplary person to compete with. Shaikh Sadullah Khan says that Allah permits us to take sugar but, done irresponsibly, it can lead to diabetes. Similarly, we have to be careful that in doing what is allowed, we must fulfil the conditions. As we enter Rabbi-ul-Awwal, remember what Rasulullah (SAW) said: ‘The best of you is the one with the best character, and the one with the best character is kindest to his wife.’ Muslim Views