Something Rotten! JR. Actor's script

welcome to the theater

C ONGRATULATIONS!

You’ll be working with your creative team and fellow cast members to put on a musical. Before you begin rehearsals, there are some important things you should know.

This book is your script. Whether putting on a school production or rehearsing a professional show, every actor, director, and stage manager works from a script. Your script contains some additional information like this introduction and a glossary. You can look up any bold words in the glossary at the back of this book. Be sure to take good care of your script, and use a pencil when taking notes in it, since what you’ll be doing onstage can change during rehearsals.

One of the first things you’ll need to learn is what to call the various areas of the stage. Since most stages used to be raked, or tilted down toward the house, where the audience sits, we still use the term downstage to refer to the area closest to the audience and upstage to refer to the area farthest from the audience. Stage left and stage right are from the actor’s perspective when facing the audience. The diagram above shows how to use these terms to label nine different parts of the stage.

what to expect during rehearsals

You will be performing a musical, a type of play that tells a story through songs, dances, and dialogue Because there are so many parts of a musical, most shows have more than one author. The composer writes the music and usually works with a lyricist, who writes the lyrics, or words, to the songs. The book writer writes the dialogue (spoken words, or lines ) and the stage directions , which tell the actors what to do onstage and what music cues to listen for.

Your director will plan rehearsals so that the cast is ready to give its best performance on opening night! Remember to warm up before each rehearsal so that your mind, body, and voice are ready to go. Every rehearsal process is a little bit different, but here is an idea of what you can expect as you begin to work on your show.

music:

Since you’re performing a musical, it is important to learn the music early on in the rehearsal process. Your music director will teach the cast all the songs in the show and tell you what to practice at home.

choreography:

After you’ve got the music down, you’ll begin working on the choreography – or dance – in the show. Your choreographer will create the dances and teach them to the cast. The music and the choreography help tell the story.

blocking & scene work:

Your director will block the show by telling the cast where to stand and how to move around the stage. You’ll use your theater terms (downstage left, upstage right, etc.) a lot during this portion of the rehearsal process. You will also practice speaking your lines and work on memorizing them. Rehearsing your part from memory is called being off-book. Your director will help you understand the important action in each scene so you can make the best choices for your character’s objective, or what your character wants.

make the script your own

1 2

Always write your name legibly, either in the space provided on the cover of your script or on the title page. Scripts have a way of getting lost or changing hands during rehearsals!

Mark your lines and lyrics with a bright-colored highlighter to make your part stand out on the page. This will allow you to look up from your script during rehearsals, since it will be easier to find your place when you look back down.

Underline important stage directions, lines, lyrics, and individual words. For example, if your line reads, “he just starts singing??” and your director wants you to stress the words “starts singing??” underline them in your script.

4

Save time and space by using the following standard abbreviations:

ON: onstage OFF: offstage

US: upstage DS: downstage

SL: stage left

SR: stage right

CS: center stage X: cross

You may use these abbreviations to modify other instructions (e.g., you could write “R hand up” to remind yourself to raise your right hand). You may also combine them in various ways (e.g., you could write “XDSR” to remind yourself to cross downstage right).

5

8 3

Draw diagrams to help clarify your blocking. For example, if you are instructed to walk in a circle around a table, you might draw a box to represent the table, then draw a circle around it with an arrow indicating the direction in which you are supposed to walk.

6 7

Draw stick figures to help you remember your choreography. Remember, the simpler the better.

Mark your music with large commas to remind yourself where to take breaths while singing.

Although you should feel free to mark up your script, be careful it doesn’t become so cluttered with notes that you have a hard time finding your lines on the page!

Yes. NICK An actor is saying his lines and then, out of nowhere, he just starts singing??

Something Rotten! JR.

Musical

some tips for the theater

Don’t upstage yourself. Cheat out so the audience can always see your face and hear your voice.

Always arrive at rehearsal on time and ready to begin.

Keep going! If you forget a line or something unexpected happens, keep the scene moving forward. Chances are, the audience won’t even notice.

Remember to thank the director and fellow cast and crew members.

If you are having trouble memorizing your lines, try writing them down or speaking them aloud�

It takes an ensemble to make a show; everyone’s part is important.

Bring your script and a pencil to rehearsal.every

Be respectful of others at all times.

Before the show, say, “Break a leg”– which means “good luck” in the theater.

Be specific! Make clear choices about your character’s background and motivation in the show.

Always be quiet backstage. And keep in mind, if you can see the audience, they can see you, so stay out of sight.

HAVE FUN!

Something Rotten! JR.synopsis

A banner reading ‘SOMETHING ROTTEN!’ hangs onstage as Tudor buildings are revealed on a Renaissance-era 1595 South London street (Welcome To The Renaissance). A MINSTREL and TOWNSPEOPLE laud the societal advances being made, while a group of PURITANS, including BROTHER JEREMIAH and PORTIA, disapprove. The Minstrel explains that, unless you’re superstar WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, being a playwright is difficult (Welcome To The Renaissance –Playoff).

Inside the theater, NICK BOTTOM rehearses with the TROUPE, including TOM SNOUT, ROBIN, PETER QUINCE, and NIGEL Their patron, LORD CLAPHAM, announces that Shakespeare has written a version of Richard II, the play the Troupe has been rehearsing, and demands they write a new play by the next day. Nick is frustrated (Man, I Hate Shakespeare).

Back at home, Nick and Nigel are searching for a new idea when SHYLOCK interrupts to collect Nick’s debt. Shylock offers to become Nick’s patron, but Nick refuses. BEA offers to get a job to help with expenses (Right Hand Man). Bea leaves to find work, Nigel tries to write, and Nick laments his situation (Man, I Hate Shakespeare – Reprise). Suddenly, Nick has an idea and heads to Soothsayer Alley, where NOSTRADAMUS tells him that the future of theater is… musicals (A Musical; A Musical –Tag)!

Nigel and Portia meet and fall instantly in love, but Portia is unattainable as Brother Jeremiah’s daughter. Nick tells Nigel about the musical and shares his first idea for a show: (The Black Death). Brother Jeremiah does not approve, and Lord Clapham ends his patronage, since Brother Jeremiah could jeopardize Lord Clapham's relationship with the Queen. Nick vows to solve the Troupe’s money problem.

At the market, Nick and Nigel encounter Bea in disguise. She’s gotten a job and is quickly called back to work by the FOREMAN. Nick leaves to find a new patron. In disguise, Portia enters and recites a verse of Nigel’s poetry, impressed by his talent (I Love The Way). They are interrupted by a MESSENGER with an invitation from Shakespeare to attend a recitation in the park. Shylock offers Nick his services as patron yet again and reveals that Nigel is attending Shakespeare’s recitation.

The crowd gathers for Shakespeare’s dazzling recitation (Will Power). Shakespeare spots Nigel and Portia in the crowd (Shakespeare’s After Party 1; Shakespeare’s After Party 2) and offers to read Nigel’s poetry, but Nick accuses Shakespeare of stealing ideas. Brother Jeremiah takes Portia away, and Nigel goes after her. Nick finally agrees to take Shylock as a patron.

In Soothsayer Alley, Nick pays Nostradamus to look into the future for Shakespeare’s greatest play: Omelette! Nick dreams of his new life as a famous playwright (Nick Bottom’s Gonna Be On Top)

Shakespeare finds out about Nick’s plan from EYEPATCH MAN, and he vows to investigate.

The Troupe rehearses the musical (It’s Eggs), and Shakespeare, disguised as Toby Belch, joins the production. Nigel sneaks off to visit Portia.

Nigel reads Portia the sonnet he’s written for her. He is worried about approval from her father and his brother, but she encourages him to speak from his heart (We See The Light; We See The Light – Playoff). Unfortunately, Brother Jeremiah vows to lock Portia in a tower before sending her to Scotland. Taking Portia’s advice, Nigel writes from his heart (Nigel’s Theme) and presents the new pages to the Troupe. They are very good, unlike Nick’s musical, and Nigel tries to explain his inspiration (To Thine Own Self Be True). Nick and Nigel fight, Shakespeare takes Nigel’s pages, and Shylock reveals that Omelette The Musical is sold out. Bea encourages Nigel to stick with Nick.

The Troupe performs the musical (Something Rotten) with a hilarious jumble of musical theater references and a big production number (Make An Omelette), complete with EGGS. In the middle of the performance, Shakespeare reveals himself and tells everyone what Nick has done.

Nick is put on trial, where a MASTER OF THE JUSTICE will decide his fate. Bea arrives in disguise to act as Nick’s lawyer and puts forth a plea of temporary insanity. Nick agrees and apologies (To Thine Own Self –Reprise). Then, Bea calls Shakespeare to the stand (Shakespeare In Court 1). Shakespeare convinces the Master of the Justice to banish Nick and Nigel rather than behead them (Shakespeare In Court 2)

Nick, Nigel, Bea, and Portia leave England for the New World (Welcome To America).

Something Rotten! JR. characters

(in order of appearance)

Minstrel

Brother Jeremiah

Portia

William Shakespeare

Nick Bottom

Nigel Bottom

Troupe (Peter Quince, Robin, Tom Snout, Snug, Francis Flute)

Lord Clapham

Shylock

Bea

Nostradamus Foreman

Messenger Announcer

Attendant Doorman

Panicked Woman

Valet

Eyepatch Man

Horatio Footman

Master of the Justice

Court Scribe Clerk

Ensemble: Townspeople (Solo 1, Solo 2, Solo 3, Solo 4), Puritans (Puritan 1, Puritan 2, Puritan 3, Puritan 4), Crowd (1st Person In Crowd, 2nd Person In Crowd, 3rd Person In Crowd, Astrologers (Astrologer), Psychics, Fortune Tellers, Chorus, Grim Reapers, Eggs (Sad Little Egg), Guards

(#1 – OVERTURE begins.)

SCENE 1: A SOUTH LONDON STREET (IN 1595)

(There’s a curtain on which hangs a large banner that reads: 'SOMETHING ROTTEN!' Curtain rises, revealing Tudor buildings, a theater front, and TOWNSPEOPLE dressed in Renaissance attire. #2 – WELCOME TO THE RENAISSANCE begins.)

(A MINSTREL strolls onto the stage in front of the curtain and strums their lute.) Ó .

Freely, in '1'

MINSTREL: -U

Wel come to the Ren Easy Swing

ev 'ry thing is new.

Here we've made ad van ces in the 27 GROUP 1:

(They hold up very old scientiÞc items: sextant, telescope, etc.) - - -

œ œ Œ ‰ j œ sci en ces. We GROUP 2:

(They hold up a bellows, a cauldron, a washboard, a pewter mug, etc.)

See us in our pet ti coats and

Straight 8ths 6 (Music changes; more contemporary. They do a funky modern dance. A red carpet is rolled out from the theater, and a sign above is revealed: 'ROMEO & JULIET - Ye Olde World Premiere.')

new! 61

74 ¿ ¿ Œ Œ ‰ J ¿

Dek ker! John Œ ‰ J ¿ ¿ Œ

Woo! (MINSTREL:) CROWD: ¿ ¿ ‰ ‰ Œ ‰ J ¿

76 ¿ ¿ Œ Œ ‰ J ¿

Web ster! Ben Œ ‰ J ¿ ¿ Œ

true! We do! Like who?! Like who? Like & & b b b b b b

Woo! -& & b b b b b b

John son! And Œ ‰ J ¿ ¿ Œ

Uh huh! ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ our bright est star, Yo! Ó Œ ¿ Yo!-

He's just so freak in' œ œ œ n . . . ú ú ú awe some! -(SHAKESPEARE enters and is instantly mobbed, blocking

(SHAKESPEARE enters and is instantly mobbed, blocking our view of him. He enters the theater; the CROWD turns.) œ

(pronounced "We love 'em")

(#3 – WELCOME TO THE RENAISSANCE (PLAYOFF) begins.)

if your name is Shake speare, you're -

SCENE 2: THE THEATRE

(Inside the theater, NICK BOTTOM steps forward, standing center. He is flanked by his TROUPE.)

NICK

Oh noble kinsmen that royal blood and love do bind.

Seek now thy own succor, and flee thy native land.

To die today twill not be done til dawn

Ta-tee, ta-tum, da-dee-da-dum and who talks like this? (to NIGEL)

Nigel, why can’t we just write like we speak?

TOM SNOUT

Yeah. I haven’t understood a single word in our last three plays.

(ROBIN enters in a dress.)

NICK

Robin, why are you wearing a dress?

ROBIN

I thought you said this was dress rehearsal.

NICK

Yeah. But you’re playing a soldier, so you should be in uniform.

ROBIN

Ohhhhhhh. So that’s what dress rehearsal means.

PETER QUINCE

Hey Nick, I have a question about motivation...

NICK

Yes...?

PETER QUINCE

Why haven’t you given up yet?

NICK

Peter! This new play is working, it just needs a little extra something.

NIGEL

Um... I did write some ideas in my notebook last night...

(Removes a small leather-bound book from his satchel.)

NICK

Well, let me read it.

It’s probably terrible.

Let me see!

(reading)

NIGEL

NICK

“Let me talk of graves, of worms, of epitaphs...”

(NICK gets the notebook and reads as NIGEL nervously looks on.)

NIGEL

Oh, it’s bad, isn’t it? I don’t even know why you let me write with you.

NICK

Nigel, it’s good! I’m starting to believe this is gonna be the Bottom Brothers’ first hit.

(LORD CLAPHAM, their patron, enters. He’s a lesser lord and extravagantly overdresses to compensate.)

LORD CLAPHAM

Pity we have to shut it down!

NICK

Lord Clapham. What do you mean – shut it down?

LORD CLAPHAM

Guess whose next production is going to be The Tragedy of Richard the 2nd??

(LORD CLAPHAM opens a poster that says, 'THE TRAGEDIE OF RICHARD II by William Shakespeare.' TROUPE gasps!)

NIGEL

Shakespeare??

PETER QUINCE

Why is he doing Richard the 2nd?? He just did Richard the 3rd! Who goes backwards?!

NIGEL

He breaks convention. That’s why he’s so great.

NICK

Well, he can’t do Richard the 2nd because we’re doing Richard the 2nd!

LORD CLAPHAM

Not anymore. And as your patron I paid for an original play, so no more money – unless I hear a new idea – on the morrow!

TOM SNOUT

I think that means ‘tomorrow.’

NICK

Lord Clapham, please...

LORD CLAPHAM

Write something original – like the Bard!

(LORD CLAPHAM exits.)

NICK

The “bard.” Why is he the Bard? He’s uh bard. Just like I’m a bard, you’re a bard. HE’S JUST ONE OF THE BARDS!

(#4 – MAN, I HATE SHAKESPEARE begins.)

MAN, I HATE SHAKESPEARE

That's right, I said it.

I just don't get it, how a

I just don't get it, how a ¿ Œ Ó Why?

mea sly lit tle town is (NICK:)

me di o cre ac tor from a ∑ - - - -

sud den ly the bright est jewel in - - - - -

Eng land's Roy al Crown. Oh,

His plays are bor ing but oh

Can't hear the snor ing from the& # # # # 14

does n't seem to care that all their

I just wish that he would go a

"Ooh!" and he's all "Stop!" and they're all & # # # # 63 ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ "Yay!" and I'm all "Ugh!" And I'm (gagging sound) ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ real ly get ting sick of it! - -

& # # # # 65 Œ ‰ j ¿ ¿ ¿ And Oh! Oh! ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ Oh! I hate Shake speare! 66 -

& # # # # 67 ‰ J œ œ œ # œ œ œ œ

I think by now we sor ta TROUPE: œ œ œ œ œ know you hate Shake speare. - -

make a short er list and I will

give it to you straight!& # 76

Ev 'ry lit tle thing a bout

PETER QUINCE

Nick, do we still have a job!?

TROUPE

Yeah, what are we gonna do!/Where will you find a patron?/ What show are we doing now!/I’m hungry! (etc.)

NICK

It’s ok... (They quiet.)

I’ll take care of it. Come back tomorrow and we’ll have a new idea.

(#5 – MAN, I HATE SHAKESPEARE (PLAYOFF) begins. They exit, muttering nervously.)

SCENE 3: NICK AND BEA’S HOUSE

(NICK)

New idea... new idea... we need a new idea.

NIGEL

I still say we should write our life story – how you, at age 14, carried me, your sickly little brother, on your back all the way from Cornwall.

NICK

No. We gotta think bigger! The world is changing – you know, some people are saying the world’s actually round not flat! (They look at each other for a moment and then burst out laughing.)

I know, it’s ridiculous. But big new ideas are all the rage – and that’s what we need. Something new.

(SHYLOCK enters.)

Nicholas Bottom.

SHYLOCK

NICK

Shylock! What are you doing at my house?

SHYLOCK

Your debt is due.

(BEA enters and crosses to the fire. NICK pulls SHYLOCK off to the side so NIGEL and BEA can’t hear the discussion.)

NICK

Shhhh... I’ve, uh... hit a little setback with the play. But – if you give me another week – I’ll name a character after you.

SHYLOCK

Too late. Shakespeare already promised that. I can see it now. (painting the name in the air)

“Shylock. A really nice guy.” Hey! Here’s a better idea. Cut me in as an investor in your play and I’ll cancel your debt.

NICK

You’re not a patron, you’re a moneylender!

SHYLOCK

I know, cause that’s the only job the queen will let me do! (then)

And I hate it. I-hate-it, I-hate-it, I-hate-it! But what I love – is the theater. I love the sights, the smells, the roar of the crowd, the smell of the fruits as it hits the actors! I LOVE IT, I TELL YA!

(shaking NICK)

I-love-it I-love-it I-love-it!!

NICK

Wow, I had no idea. But I can’t, it’s illegal. If I let you invest, we’d both be hanged in front of an angry mob.

SHYLOCK

At least you’d finally have an audience. Take the weekend. Mull it over. Because on Monday, your interest doubles.

(SHYLOCK exits. NIGEL is now at the table eating from a bowl. BEA is at the cast iron kettle over the fire. NICK crosses to them.)

NICK

Hello, darling. How was your day?

BEA

Interesting. I went to the stocks and watched the mob throw cabbages at the criminals.

NICK

Why? You hate all that stuff.

BEA

I know, it was awful. (handing him a bowl) Boiled cabbage?

Ah. I see.

I think it’s delicious.

NICK

NIGEL

BEA

Aw, thanks Nige. There would’ve been meat, but the landlord came by demanding the rent – took our last shilling right out of my hand. Then I was gonna surprise you with some mutton – but sheep are fast.

NICK

Wait, wh— you chased a SHEEP? Alright, that’s it.

(He pushes away from the table and heads for a wooden lockbox on the mantle.)

BEA

What are you doing?

I’m just...

NICK

(He grabs the money box. She quickly takes it away.)

BEA

No! We’ve been through this, we do not touch the money box!

(She puts it back.)

NICK

Come on, Bea... we shouldn’t have to live like this. You deserve better.

BEA

And so do you – we all do, and that’s what we’re saving for. A simple cottage in the country, for all of us. You, me, a couple of kids... a room for Nigel and maybe his wife one day?...

NIGEL

(embarrassed)

Oh, stop it.

BEA

That’s why I was thinking – I should get a job.

NICK

What? No, if you get a job, that will just make me feel like a failure. None of the other writers’ wives have jobs.

BEA

Well, they should. This is the nineties! We’ve got a woman on the throne, and by the year 1600, women will be completely equal to men. Ooh! I just thought of the perfect job for me. I could be in your play!

NICK

What? You can’t act.

(BEA cries.)

Oh. I’m sorry.

(quickly stops crying) Gotcha. See, I can act.

BEA

NICK

You know it’s illegal to put women onstage.

NIGEL

And anyway, our play’s been cancelled.

BEA

What?

NICK

Not cancelled, Nige. I mean, yes, we are no longer doing Richard the 2nd but only because we’ve come up with... a better idea!

BEA

Oooh, what is it?

NICK

Well, we’ve had the idea that – we need an idea.

BEA

Then let me help you! I’ll go out and earn some money and that’ll take the pressure off you guys.

NICK

Bea, listen...

(

#6 – RIGHT HAND MAN begins.)

BEA: No, you listen. 'Cause I just want to make things better and I need to know that you understand...

Can we change the subject please?

(NICK tries to speak. She puts a silencing Þnger to his lips.)

(She grabs a bow and arrow.)

NICK: What are you doing now?

BEA: I'm gonna get you boys some MEAT!

(She slams the door and is gone.)

NIGEL

Wow. That’s so nice. I’d love to have someone to do stuff like that for me. I think it’s sweet.

NICK

It’s humiliating. That’s why we need a new idea. One great idea can turn everything around. Oh, and we need it by tomorrow.

NIGEL

Tomorrow?? Oh my... (starting to hyperventilate)

I just... I don’t think I can write under this sort of pressure.

NICK

It’s okay. Breathe, breathe... I’ll see what I can come up with, and we’ll start again first thing in the morning.

NIGEL

Okay – sorry, Nick.

(NIGEL hugs NICK. #7 – MAN, I HATE SHAKESPEARE (REPRISE) begins.)

(NIGEL:) I love you, brother. NICK: I love you, too. Get some sleep.

NIGEL: Okay.

(NIGEL exits. NICK sighs – the weight of the world on his shoulders.)

(NICK:) (suddenly has a thought)

what the fu ture holds... ∑

(NICK checks to make sure no one is around, then lifts the wooden chest, removes a bag of coins from it, then puts the box back, and exits.)

23 Triumphant-Idea Music

(SCENE 4: SOOTHSAYER ALLEY. There's a row of run-down storefronts manned by various psychics, fortune tellers, astrologers, etc.)

ASTROLOGER: Tarot cards! Palm readings!

NICK: Hey. I'm looking for a soothsayer.

ASTROLOGER: (pointing to a hut) Norbert the Knowing. Supposed to be the best.

(NICK goes to the hut. There's a note on the board.)

NICK: "Out of business due to unforeseen circumstances." So not the very best. Rall. ∑

(A person on the street spins around. This is NOSTRADAMUS.)

NOSTRADAMUS

Did I hear a need for future seeing? If seeing is what you need, then I can help you. If help is what you need, then I can see you. If neither is what you need, then I can foresee you leaving very shortly.

NICK

Who are you?

I – am Nostradamus.

Not THE Nostradamus.

NOSTRADAMUS

NICK

NOSTRADAMUS

No. I’m his niece – Nancy.

Nancy Nostradamus?

NICK

NOSTRADAMUS

(raising her hand as if giving an oath)

Yes! But I share the same gifts as my esteemed uncle. And for half a crown, I’ll share those gifts with you.

(NICK pays NOSTRADAMUS.)

Excellent! Now – what is it you would like the future to tell?

NICK

I want you to look into the future and tell me... what will the next big thing in theater be?

NOSTRADAMUS

Right. Stand back. Give me some space.

(She shakes out and warms up like an athlete before an event, then hacks and clears her sinuses, then squints hard and puts her fingers to her temples – then gets the shivers.)

(NOSTRADAMUS)

Oh. Oh my. Wow. Ooooh, in the future, the theaters are very niiiice. Cushy red seats, ushers, people opening candies wrapped in magical clear paper that’s annoyingly noisy...

NICK

How about what’s on the stage?

NOSTRADAMUS

Getting to that... Whoa! What spectacle! I have seen the future! The biggest, most fantastic thing in theater will be... (painting it in the air) MUSICALS.

NICK

What?

NOSTRADAMUS Musicals.

NICK

What the heck are “musicals”?

NOSTRADAMUS

(squinting into the distance)

It appears to be a play where the dialogue stops and the plot is conveyed through song.

NICK

Through song?

Yes. NICK

An actor is saying his lines and then, out of nowhere, he just starts singing?? NOSTRADAMUS

Yes! (#8 – A MUSICAL begins.)

œ hap py end ings hap pen ing by - - - -

(Behind her, the FORTUNE TELLERS, ASTROLOGERS, etc., join her... becoming the chorus.)

and a daz zl ing chor us. You NOSTRADAMUS, CHORUS:

NOSTRADAMUS: Really? Think about it.

Slightly Relaxed NICK: I don't know, I Þnd it hard to believe people would actually pay to see something like this.

I be lieve it's pro nounced "Mis ér

NICK: And people actually like this? ∑

NOSTRADAMUS: No! They love it!

(NOSTRADAMUS:) (Þngers to temples) Whoa, wait! Another vision. I haven't even told you the best part.

NICK: Um... what is that? (NOSTRADAMUS shimmies her feet.) . œ œ ‰ j œ œ . œ œ œ

œ Œ Ó feet! ∑ (NOSTRADAMUS:)

Feel your self gy rat ing - -&

to that scin til lat ing œ Œ Ó beat. (NOSTRADAMUS shakes her butt to the beat of the drum.)

NICK: Whoa... are you okay? Ó

(NOSTRADAMUS does a little dance over the following.)

NICK: What are you doing now?

NOSTRADAMUS: It's called a "dance break." Apparently, this happens in a musical as well. People onstage, just bursting into spontaneous dance!

NICK: Why? Does it advance the plot?

NOSTRADAMUS: No.

NICK: Develop character?

NOSTRADAMUS: Nope!

NICK: Then why do it?

NOSTRADAMUS: Because –

(NOSTRADAMUS:)

(NICK steps forward full of hope and wonder, surrounded by the CHORUS.)

NICK: Yes! Now, I get it!

& b b

NOSTRADAMUS: No kidding... (NICK:) -U

We'll do a (NICK:)

122 Œ œ œ œ #

& b b

124 œ œ œ œ ‰ J œ mu si cal What

Rubato œ œ œ œ ‰ J œ mu si cal a 123

NICK, NOSTRADAMUS: œ œ œ n œ œ œ œ œ could be more a ma zing than a - - - -

126 œ œ b œ œ ‰ J œ n mu si cal? With ALL: œ œ œ œ ‰ J œ song and dance and Start slow, then accel. 127 -U

& b b

& b b 128 œ œ œ œ ‰ J œ sweet ro mance and œ œ œ n œ œ œ œ œ with a mu si cal we might have - - -

A

& b b

130 ¿ œ œ b œ ú (clap) half a chance

131

Double-Time Feel

Cross my heart, hope to die

If it is n't a doo zy

(A CHORUS LINE–style ending.)

NICK

You really think that’ll work?

NOSTRADAMUS

Actually, sometimes it works so well, you do the end of the exact same song, AGAIN!

(#9 – A MUSICAL (TAG) begins.)

SCENE 5: A SOUTH LONDON STREET (OUTSIDE THE THEATRE)

(#10 – BROTHER JEREMIAH begins. NIGEL enters, writing ideas in his notebook.)

NIGEL

Okay, come on, Nigel. Big idea for a show... Oh, for a muse of fire... Oof!

(He’s bumped into PORTIA, a woman dressed in black Puritan garb, causing her to drop her Bible. His pages fall.)

(NIGEL)

Sorry... I wasn’t looking where I was...

PORTIA

No, that was my fault, I had my head in the— (#11 – PORTIA AND NIGEL MEET begins. Their eyes meet. And it is love at first sight. PORTIA averts her eyes, then sees the page she’s holding. She reads it, looks up – in awe.)

Is this a poem?

Uh-huh.

Are you... a poet?

Uh-huh.

NIGEL

PORTIA

NIGEL

PORTIA

I love poetry. And the way poets use lyrical language to express the beauty of life.

NIGEL

Uh-huh.

(They stare into each other’s eyes.)

BROTHER JEREMIAH

Portia! Come away from that heathen at once!

(She snaps out of it as her father, BROTHER JEREMIAH, a Puritan, pulls her away. NICK enters with a lute strapped over his shoulder.)

NICK

Nigel! There you are. Big news.

NIGEL

Me, too. I think I’m in love.

(NIGEL points to PORTIA – who is standing next to BROTHER JEREMIAH.)

NICK

With a Puritan!? Are you mad?? DO YOU KNOW WHO HERFATHER IS??

(BROTHER JEREMIAH stands flanked by PORTIA and OTHER PURITANS as he preaches like a crazed street evangelist.)

BROTHER JEREMIAH

Brethren, I say unto thee... the theaters are a scourge upon our land! They are vile cesspits! Dens of iniquity! Sewers of the soul!

NICK

(to NIGEL)

Wow. You really want that guy giving a speech at your wedding reception?

BROTHER JEREMIAH

(approaching NICK and NIGEL)

Let not thy sacred soul be poisoned by the playwrights and poets whose dark invention diverts simple minds from the one true book!

(Exiting, he takes PORTIA by the arm. She throws NIGEL one last glance before she exits.)

NICK

Forget about her. It’ll never work. Now listen. You know the big idea we’re looking for? Well, I’ve got it. We’ll do – A MUSICAL!

NIGEL

A what?

NICK

A musical. It’s a play with songs – but the songs advance the plot as they seamlessly segue from dialogue into singing.

(NIGEL thinks about it for a beat.)

NIGEL

That... is... the most... amazing idea. How better to express the inner longings of the human soul than with music? And you’re always writing songs on your lute.

NICK

And all your poems? There’s your lyrics!

NIGEL

It’s perfect for us! How did you come up with it?

NICK

(quickly diverting question)

That’s – not important. We just need to figure out what it’s about. Something big, epic, world-changing. (suddenly hit with an idea)

I’ve got it!

(#12 – THE BLACK DEATH begins.)

The Black Death THE BLACK DEATH

(NICK:) Yes! Why didn't I think of this before?

NIGEL: What?!

NICK: The most signiÞcant historical event in the last thousand years!

Bright

(GRIM REAPERS dance onto the stage.)

(Lights out on them and up on the TROUPE, who appear on the stage behind them.

(NICK turns to LORD CLAPHAM, who watched the number.)

NICK

Well, m’lord? What do you think?

LORD CLAPHAM

They’re singing.

NICK

Right. That’s what you do in a musical.

LORD CLAPHAM

But they’re singing about the plague!

NICK

I know! Shakespeare would never do something like this!

LORD CLAPHAM

Because it’s a terrible idea!

NICK

No, trust me! Everyone will love it!

(BROTHER JEREMIAH and his PURITANS enter.)

BROTHER JEREMIAH

Nick and Nigel Bottom!

NICK

Almost everyone. Brother Jeremiah? What brings you here?

BROTHER JEREMIAH

As if theater wasn’t heinous enough, you’ve now added music – which leads to dancing, which we Puritans cannot abide. So you listen to this, Master Bottom. If you continue promoting this filth, I will throw you in the stocks and have the mob throw cabbages at you.

NICK

Great! Dinner!

Good day, sir.

BROTHER JEREMIAH

(The PURITANS exit. PORTIA throws one last look at NIGEL.)

LORD CLAPHAM

That’s it. I’m out. That man is a magistrate! He could ruin my reputation with the queen! I am sorry, gentlemen, I must withdraw my patronage. Good day.

(LORD CLAPHAM exits.)

NICK

Please, sir, you can’t... UGHHHHHHH.

PETER, ROBIN, SNUG, TOM

How are we going to get paid? What are we going to do now? (etc.)

NICK

I’ll take care of it.

(#13 – THE BLACK DEATH (INCIDENTAL) begins. The uncertain TROUPE exits as NIGEL and NICK stumble downstage and the theater transitions to...)

SCENE 7: A SOUTH LONDON STREET

(TOWNSPEOPLE enter and mingle and shop at the market stalls and shop fronts. NIGEL is starting to hyperventilate.)

NIGEL

Nick! We just lost our patron!

NICK

Breathe, breathe, walk it off.

(A group of WORKERS file in. NICK bumps into BEA, who is disguised as a man carrying a bucket.)

BEA

(man’s voice; thick accent)

Watch it, ya daft eejit!!

Sorry, sir. Beg your pardon.

NICK

BEA

(man’s voice) No problem, mate.

Wait a minute... (turns back around)

Bea?

(still in accent)

NICK

BEA

Don’t know what yer talkin’ about, lad. Name’s Johnny.

Bea, I know it’s you.

NICK

BEA

But I fooled you for a second, didn’t I? Told you I could act!

NICK

What are you doing dressed like that?

BEA

Remember that job I mentioned? Turns out all the good ones are for men. And besides, I know you need help because you said, “I don’t need help.”

NICK

Bea, this just makes me feel— (sniffing)

Is that a bucket of poop??

Uh-huh.

(holding up bucket)

BEA

Bear poop! And I’ve been promoted... (wiping her hand on his shirt)

This morning, I didn’t have a bucket! And look. Already made a penny. I’m gonna put it in the money box.

NICK

No! I mean... I’ll do it.

Yo! Bear-poop boy!

FOREMAN

(FOREMAN motions her to follow, then leaves.)

BEA

Hear that? I have a job title! And one day it’ll be “bear-poop woman!” Keep writing. I love you, luv!

(BEA hurries off. NICK turns. NIGEL is there.)

NIGEL

Nick! What are we going to—

NICK

Keep writing. I’ll be back.

What?? Alone??

NIGEL

NICK

Nigel, please. I need you, now more than ever. I’ve got to go find us a new backer and that means you need to come up with a new idea.

(NICK exits in a huff.)

Yes, you can. Yes, you can.

NIGEL

(He sits, tries to write.)

Uggggh, no you can’t.

(He stands to leave and is stopped by A WOMAN IN A CLOAK (PORTIA).)

Oh. Good day, mistress.

PORTIA

“Good days were those when lit with love, till dusk of death did herald th’eternal night.”

NIGEL

Hey – I wrote that.

(The WOMAN IN A CLOAK turns and lowers her hood, revealing herself to be PORTIA.)

PORTIA

Yes, I know.

(holding up a page)

I accidentally took this after our first encounter. Your sonnet. It’s – perfection.

NIGEL

Really? You thought it was... good?

PORTIA

It... spoke to my soul.

(PORTIA turns away – embarrassed.)

Forgive me. Poetry is forbidden in my house, especially poems of earthly love.

(melodramatically; to the heavens)

OH, IS THERE NO PITY IN THE CLOUDS THAT SEES INTO THE BOTTOM OF MY GRIEF?!

NIGEL

Romeo and Juliet, act 3, scene 5.

PORTIA

You’ve seen it?

Six times. And you?

NIGEL

PORTIA

Eight! If my father knew, he would disown me.

NIGEL

My brother, too.

I adore Shakespeare.

PORTIA

NIGEL

Me, too! I’ve got a Comedy of Errors, first edition.

PORTIA

I’ve got “Sonnet Number 1.” Signed!

NIGEL

Wow!

I know! Heh-heh...

PORTIA

NIGEL

Heh-heh... that’s awesome...

(They giggle together – a pause.)

PORTIA

I think you’re his equal – if not better.

NIGEL

What??? No way.

PORTIA

Oh yes. Your sonnet has Shakespearean sophistication mixed with the complexity of Daniel Webster and the sensitivity of Samuel Daniel.

(#14 – I LOVE THE WAY begins.)

Wow. You really love poetry.

Oh, I do. I really really do. Œ

(NIGEL)

Okay, I want to show you something. (He pulls out a piece of paper.)

I keep it hidden from my brother. It’s a letter. To me. From the Bard. Saying he has received my sonnet.

PORTIA

You sent Shakespeare a sonnet? And he’s read it??

NIGEL

Well, he said he would.

You know him!!?

PORTIA

NIGEL

Um, kind of. He was in the same acting troupe as my brother, but I was just a kid then. It’s not like he knows who I am or anything.

(MESSENGER enters.)

MESSENGER

Master Nigel Bottom?

Yes?

(extending a scroll)

NIGEL

MESSENGER

An invitation, from Master Shakespeare – to be his personal guest at a recitation in the park.

NIGEL

Shakespeare in the park? (NIGEL turns to MESSENGER.)

Can she be my plus-one?

(NIGEL, PORTIA, and MESSENGER exit. NICK enters from the opposite side looking for NIGEL.)

NICK

Nigel! Nigel! Have you come up with a new... (SHYLOCK enters.)

SHYLOCK

Hello, Nick. Ready to reconsider my offer?

NICK

No, Shylock.

SHYLOCK

Come on, Nick – Let me help you!

NICK

I’m not that desperate.

SHYLOCK

Really? You have no show, no patron, and your brother is at a private recitation with William Shakespeare.

NICK

What?!

SHYLOCK

It’s invitation only. And guess who has an invitation?

(SHYLOCK shows his invitation. They exit.)

SCENE 8: THE PARK

(#15 – WILL POWER begins.)

Something Rotten! JR. Will Power

WILL POWER

(The CROWD gathers around a small stage. NIGEL and PORTIA are in front.)

Hard Funk ¿ ‰ ¿ ‰ j ¿ ‰ Œ

& # 4 4 4

CROWD: ¿ ‰ ¿ ‰ j ¿ ‰ Œ

We want Will!

We want Will!

7 ¿ ‰ ¿ ‰ j ¿ ‰ Œ

& #

We want Will!

We want Will! ¿ ‰ ¿ ‰ j ¿ ‰ Œ

We want Will!

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, all the way from Stratford-upon-Avon, the King of Couplets, the Sultan of Sonnets, the man who put the I AM in iambic pentameter, put your hands together for the one, the only – WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE!

(WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE steps through the fog. CROWD goes wild!)

(CROWD:)

& #

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, all the way from Stratford-upon-Avon, the King of Couplets, the Sultan of Sonnets, the man who put the I AM in iambic pentameter, put your hands together for the one, the only – WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE!

(WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE steps through the fog. CROWD goes wild!)

We want Will! (CROWD:)

We want Will!

We want Will! &

SHAKESPEARE: Thank you! Is it good to see me or what!?

1st PERSON IN CROWD: Do "Sonnet 18"!

2nd PERSON IN CROWD: Do "Kingdom for a horse"!

3rd PERSON IN CROWD: I love you, Will!

SHAKESPEARE: Okay, okay – here's one for all you beautiful Tudors out there, a little sonnet that's been very good to me. Let's see if you know it.

ly

rough winds shake the dar

(cups his ear to the crowd) (SHAKESPEARE:)

CROWD:

(SHAKESPEARE:) Aw, I'm feeling it too. Do you want more?

CROWD: Yeah!!!

SHAKESPEARE: When do you want it? Tomorrow?

CROWD: No!!

SHAKESPEARE: Later?

CROWD: No!!

(SHAKESPEARE:) Aw, I'm feeling it too. Do you want more?

CROWD: Yeah!!!

SHAKESPEARE: When do you want it? Tomorrow?

CROWD: No!!

SHAKESPEARE: Later?

CROWD: No!!

SHAKESPEARE: Do you know it? Well, do it with me!

(SHAKESPEARE:)

na see up

one that God in hea ven smiled up ∑ œ Œ ‰ J œ œ œ on, and if you Œ ¿ ¿ ¿ Œ

Thank you God! - -

SHAKESPEARE: Good night! (CROWD:) ∑ Good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow! ∑

(#16 – WILL POWER (PLAYOFF) begins. SHAKESPEARE exits as the CROWD moves away from the stage. NIGEL and PORTIA move downstage and look around in awe.)

NIGEL

Look over there. It’s Thomas Middleton.

PORTIA

And he’s talking to Edmund Spenser. And ohmygosh, ohmygosh... look who just walked in!

Francis Bacon!

NIGEL, PORTIA

NIGEL

Wow. It’s like – all the greatest poets of London are right here!

PORTIA

Including you.

(NIGEL reacts. Then they both giggle. SHAKESPEARE re-enters.)

SHAKESPEARE

Is that a young Nigel Bottom I see?!

(#17 – SHAKESPEARE’S AFTER PARTY 1 begins.)

Something Rotten! JR.

Shakespeare's After Party 1

SHAKESPEARE’S AFTER PARTY 1

'Shakespeare' Tempo

& # # 4 4 Œ

CROWD: œ œ œœ . . . . ú ú úú

Shake speare! ∑ -

SHAKESPEARE

Hi... hi... how are you, thanks for coming... good to see you. etcetera.

(arriving at NIGEL)

So... Nigel Bottom – playwright, poet, and prestigious prodigy. (to ATTENDANT)

Oooh, that was a lot of alliteration— (singing it)

OCCUPATIONAL HA-ZARD!

(back to NIGEL)

So – Nicky Bottom’s little brother. His “secret weapon,” all grown up. And who is this delightful damsel, this maiden fair, this feast for the eyes?

NIGEL

Oh, um... This is Portia.

Portia. Good name.

SHAKESPEARE

(PORTIA gasps and starts to breathe quickly.) That’s right. This is happening. Just breathe...

PORTIA

M-m-m-master Shakespeare...

(PORTIA faints.)

SHAKESPEARE

See that? She’s bedazzled. Do you like that word? I just made it up – it’s what I do!

(#18 – SHAKESPEARE’S AFTER PARTY 2 begins.)

Something Rotten! JR. Shakespeare's After Party 1

SHAKESPEARE’S AFTER PARTY 2

'Shakespeare' Tempo

& # # 4 4 Œ

CROWD: œ œ œœ . . . . ú ú úú

Shake speare! ∑ -

SHAKESPEARE

So! Nigel. What are you and that brother of yours working on? A tragedy? A comedy? A tragic attempt at comedy? (to the CROWD)

See what I did?

(Everyone laughs and applauds.)

NIGEL

Actually, Nick doesn’t want me to tell anyone what we’re writing.

SHAKESPEARE

Ugh! He’s so paranoid. Even when I was a lowly actor in his sad little troupe, he was so insecure. Of course, with you as his partner, he has even more reason to be. I’ve read your sonnet.

(long pause)

(SHAKESPEARE)

It’s good. Quite good. I’d love to read more.

(feigning surprise)

Oh – is that your folio?

NIGEL

What, this? Oh, this is just – a collection of random lines and thoughts...

SHAKESPEARE

Would you like me to give it a looky-loo? What am I saying? Of course you would! I’m Shakespeare!

(#19 – SHAKESPEARE’S AFTER PARTY 3 begins.)

Something Rotten! JR.

SHAKESPEARE’S AFTER PARTY 3

'Shakespeare' Tempo

CROWD: œ œ œœ . . . . ú ú úú

Shake speare! ∑

17 -

Shakespeare's After Party 3

SHAKESPEARE

(takes Nigel’s notebook, reads)

Hmmm. “All the world’s a stage...” Good line.

(There’s a commotion at the door. SHAKESPEARE steps away, flipping through pages.)

DOORMAN

(offstage)

Hey, you’re not allowed in here.

SHYLOCK

(offstage)

It’s okay; he’s my plus-one...

NICK

(offstage)

Trust me I have no desire to stay... I’m just looking for my...

(NICK)

(seeing NIGEL)

Brother! There you are! Why are... oh.

(seeing SHAKESPEARE, disgusted)

Hello, Will.

(SHAKESPEARE hides the notebook behind his back.)

SHAKESPEARE

Hello, Nick. Been a long time.

NICK

Not long enough. Is that... my brother’s notebook? (takes it from him)

Nice try.

NIGEL

He was just offering to look at my ideas.

NICK

Or his ideas as they’d soon be known.

CROWD

Oooooooh...

SHAKESPEARE

No, no, no, no, no, no... we should actually thank this man. He was the one who suggested I take up writing in the first place.

NICK

Because – you’re a bad actor.

SHAKESPEARE

Oh no I’m not!

Oh yes you are!

Oh no I’m not!

Oh yes you are!

NICK

SHAKESPEARE

NICK

BROTHER JEREMIAH (offstage)

OUT OF MY WAY, HEATHEN!

(BROTHER JEREMIAH enters with two PURITAN FOLLOWERS.)

PURITANS!!!

PANICKED WOMAN

(People scatter. SHAKESPEARE is whisked away by his men as BROTHER JEREMIAH scans the room.)

BROTHER JEREMIAH

Where is she?? Where is my daughter?

(GASP! He sees her.)

PORTIA!

(He turns to NIGEL as the PURITANS help PORTIA stand up.)

Hear me now. You dare to cross me and corrupt my daughter!? (then turns to PORTIA)

COME WITH ME!

(He drags her away. NIGEL goes after them.)

NIGEL

Portia!

(grabbing NIGEL)

And you – come with me!

NICK

(He grabs NIGEL and pulls him across the stage in the opposite direction.)

NIGEL

Let me go! I’m not a child!

NICK

Then why are you acting like one?! I told you to stay away from her and now look what’s happened – we’re on the mostwanted list of a Puritan! And Shakespeare nearly got your notebook full of ideas – which, by the way, is the only reason he invited you here.

NIGEL

No!

NICK

You are so naive! Believe me, I know every trick in his book.

NIGEL

Well, it was all very confusing! And now she’s gone and I’ve lost my inspiration and the love of my life and I’ve got to get her back!

(running off)

PORTIA!

NICK

No! Nigel!! We have a show to write! URGGGGGH.

(SHYLOCK goes to NICK.)

SHYLOCK

So. Ready to reconsider now...?

NICK

You know what... Why not!? Let’s do it!

SHYLOCK

Really! I love it, I love it, I love it! So – tell me – what’s our new show about?

NICK

Um, we’re still... looking for that great idea.

SHYLOCK

Hmmm... Too bad you can’t get a peek into Shakespeare’s notebook, huh?

(#20 – SHAKESPEARE INCIDENTAL begins. This gives NICK an idea. He removes his money pouch, bounces it in his hand, and exits.)

SCENE 9: SOOTHSAYER ALLEY

NOSTRADAMUS

How goes it with your musical?

NICK

Not great, actually. We’re having a hard time figuring out what a musical should be about.

NOSTRADAMUS

Hair!

Hair?

NICK

NOSTRADAMUS

No, that would just be weird, wouldn’t it...

NICK

Look, the truth is... I need an idea that is guaranteed to be a success. One that will have ’em lined up around the theater! So I want you to look into the future and tell me...

(looks around again)

What will Shakespeare’s greatest play be?

NOSTRADAMUS

Oooh. Are you sure you want to cross that line? Wouldn’t you rather just come up with an idea of your own?

NICK

Of course I would! I’ve tried and... (hard to say it) I can’t, okay?

NOSTRADAMUS

I must warn you – for this, you will pay a great price.

NICK

(giving her the money bag) I brought every penny I own.

NOSTRADAMUS

That’s not what I meant – but okay. Okay! (NOSTRADAMUS does a ritual – rubbing hands, etc. She stumbles backwards; NICK catches her.) Whoa! I see it! Shakespeare’s greatest play!

NICK

Yes...?

NOSTRADAMUS

... the one they will be talking about for generations to come...

NICK

Yes...???

NOSTRADAMUS

And this play will be called... (squinting, straining, then painting it in the air) “OMELETTE”!

(NICK is ready to celebrate, then has to think about that for a beat.)

NICK

Omelette? (NOSTRADAMUS nods.)

Like with the eggs?

Yes. No wait... (squinting)

NOSTRADAMUS

No, that was it. Omelette. And wait! Another vision! (fingers to temples)

Something... Danish?

NICK

A danish. So... there’s some sort of – breakfast theme?

NOSTRADAMUS

And wait! Wait! Ham... ham... ham – something.

NICK

Ham omelette?

That must be it.

NOSTRADAMUS

NICK

And you’re sure it will be big?

NOSTRADAMUS

It will be known as perhaps the single greatest play ever written.

NICK

Yes!

NOSTRADAMUS

Whoa! I’m getting a flood of images! So many...

NICK

Write ’em down! All of ’em!

NOSTRADAMUS

Let me get my quill!

(NOSTRADAMUS runs offstage.)

NICK

Oh man, this is gonna solve so many problems! My future is suddenly looking brighter!

(#21 – NICK BOTTOM’S GONNA BE ON TOP begins.)

And your ta lent is

NICK: Why thank you! (ENSEMBLE:)

and you could n't be

NICK: Well, now you're just embarrassing me. (ENSEMBLE:)

39

You're a re al

star, you

Nick Bot tom's gon na

tom's gon na

who I'm doing it for. (BEA:) œ œ œ œ

Thank you for our œ œ œ œ œ cot tage in the woods. -

76 œ Œ Ó NICK: You deserve it! Ó Œ œ If NIGEL: œ œ œ œ grat i tude was -&79 œ œ œ œ œ food, I'd have a big . œ J œ ú plate ful. ∑ NICK: Nice metaphor, bro! (SHYLOCK and LORD CLAPHAM enter.)

great est,

Bot tom's gon na be on top.

(NOSTRADAMUS approaches. Lights change. We are out of the fantasy.)

NOSTRADAMUS: There's also a prince, and a ghost!

NICK: Write down everything you see! Because I see me. And I'm not a bard. I'm the Bard!

(We are back into Nick's fantasy. CHORUS dances around NICK.)

(Lighting change. NICK is out of his fantasy and now standing in front of NIGEL.

EYEPATCH MAN is seen upstage.)

NIGEL: You want us to write Omelette? Really? I'm not so sure about this.

NICK: Well, I am, little brother.

(He hands NIGEL a mug.) So raise a glass. To Omelette. The Musical!

Nick Bot tom's gon

(Transition to... #22 – TO SHAKESPEARE’S STUDY begins.)

SCENE 10: SHAKESPEARE’S STUDY

(SHAKESPEARE sits at his desk, trying to write...)

SHAKESPEARE

(saying what he’s writing...)

“Shall I compare thee to... a horse?" No. A really nice building? No! It has to be wonderful and poetic, something everyone loves. Oh, I know! “Shall I compare thee – to me?” Ha-ha-haha. No, that’s terrible.

(crumpling paper)

Uggh! It’s hard to be the Bard!

(pacing)

I know writing made me famous – but being famous is just so much more fun!

(His VALET enters.)

VALET Sir.

SHAKESPEARE

What!? What do you want!? Why are you here?!

(SHAKESPEARE turns; next to his VALET is the EYEPATCH MAN.)

VALET

You asked for information on what Nicholas Bottom is writing. Our spy is here with news.

SHAKESPEARE

Oh. So I did. Speak, man. What news?

(EYEPATCH MAN extends a hand. SHAKESPEARE puts a shilling in it.)

EYEPATCH MAN

I saw Nick Bottom, I did. He paid a soothsayer to foresee what Shakespeare’s greatest play would be.

SHAKESPEARE

That sneaky little thief! Why doesn’t he get his own idea!?

VALET

Because... writing is hard?

SHAKESPEARE

Oh. Right. It is, isn’t it?

(SHAKESPEARE grabs a coat, hat, and fake beard.) Well, nice try, Nick Bottom. But I think Shakespeare needs to find out what Shakespeare’s biggest hit will be.

(#23 – HARD TO BE THE BARD (PLAYOFF) begins. SHAKESPEARE exits.)

SCENE 11: THE THEATRE

(NICK is alone with NOSTRADAMUS, furiously sifting through his various sheets of parchment.)

NICK

Okay, so just to make sure I’ve got this all straight, we’ve got a prince... eating a danish... and he’s visited by the ghost of his dead father?

NOSTRADAMUS

Not a ghost. The phantom! He’s the former king who was murdered by the prince’s uncle... and the uncle’s name is... Scar.

NICK

Scar. (writing that down)

And he murdered the king. And the prince is in love, but she goes mad you say?

NOSTRADAMUS

Yes! And – how do you solve a problem like Ophelia?

(NOSTRADAMUS)

(fingers to temples, squinting)

The prince says, “Get thee to a nunnery!” And then the nuns hide her and all of the singing children – from a giant maneating houseplant!

NICK

Really?

NOSTRADAMUS

I may be a little fuzzy on the ending.

(The TROUPE enters, looking confused and bewildered as they review script pages.)

NICK

Oh, they’re back.

(pulls NOSTRADAMUS aside)

Okay, remember – stay over here and don’t say anything.

(SHYLOCK enters.)

SHYLOCK

Ahhhh, the theater! I love it, I love it, I love it!

NICK

Shylock! Just in time! Have a seat, we’re just about to start.

SHYLOCK

I love it!

You haven’t seen it yet.

NICK

SHYLOCK

I know, but I just love being here.

NICK

Okay, everyone, let’s take it from the top of the song.

(#24 – IT’S EGGS begins.)

Something Rotten! JR. It's Eggs IT’S EGGS

(NICK:) (crossing to himself) Watch and weep, Shakespeare. Watch and weep. TROUPE:

SHYLOCK

(cutting them off)

I’m sorry, can I jump in here? (They stop.)

Umm – what’s this?

NICK

I told you there’d be singing.

SHYLOCK

But they’re singing about eggs.

NICK

It’s a metaphor. The griddle is his mind. But his thoughts are scrambled – like an egg.

SHYLOCK

Yeah, I’m not getting any of that.

NIGEL

Um... neither am I and I wrote it. I mean... (checking script)

What’s a fiddler, and why is he on the roof?

NICK

The roof is where the chim-chimney is, quit overthinking it!

SHYLOCK

I’m just thinking about the audience. They don’t want metaphors. They want good, old-fashioned frivolous entertainment.

NOSTRADAMUS

CATS!

What?

SHYLOCK

NOSTRADAMUS

A whole stage covered with singing cats! No, wait... (squinting)

No, that’s right. Singing cats.

NIGEL

I’m sorry, Nick, I have a strong feeling something isn’t right about all this.

TROUPE

I have some ideas/I agree/I’m not sure about all the eggs. (etc.)

SHAKESPEARE

(as Toby; Yorkshire accent)

Ey up! ’Scuse me, lads.

(All heads turn. SHAKESPEARE – in disguise – has entered.)

(SHAKESPEARE)

(as Toby)

Name’s Toby Belch. A humble actor from York. I come seeking an audition for the Bottom Brothers.

NICK

That’s us.

(as Toby)

SHAKESPEARE

Oh! What an honor. I hear tell you are creating a work that is... bigger than Shakespeare.

NICK

That’s right. It’s a play full of songs – about an omelette.

SHAKESPEARE

That’s the great idea?

What?

(as Toby)

NICK

SHAKESPEARE

I said, “That’s a great idea!”

(hands him paper)

Here’s my head-sketch and resume.

NICK

(reading)

Hey. You’ve been in every one of my plays.

SHAKESPEARE

(as Toby)

I’m a massive fan. What can you say about the Bottom Brothers plays except – wow.

NICK

You’re hired! Gents, meet our newest cast member – Toby Belch! Teach him the song.

(They shake hands and introduce themselves. NICK notices NIGEL heading for the door.)

(NICK)

Where are you going? We have a whole second act to sort out.

NIGEL

I... need to... explore some other ideas.

NICK

Oh, I get it. You want to go see her, don’t you? Well, that’s not gonna happen.

(NIGEL exits.)

Nigel... get back h— Uggggh...

(#25 – PORTIA INCIDENTAL begins.)

SCENE 12: UNDER LONDON BRIDGE

(Underneath London Bridge, NIGEL enters. PORTIA emerges from hiding.)

NIGEL

Portia!

(They embrace.)

PORTIA

Oh, Nigel! You made it! I had to climb out the window, but I don’t think anyone saw me...

(NIGEL lays his coat on the ground.)

NIGEL

Is here okay?

(She nods, sits. NIGEL pulls out a parchment and reads.)

“Ode to Portia” – by Nigel Bottom.

(Overcome by chronic shyness, he mumbles inaudibly into his lapel.)

Like stars and sun together never seen, yet heaven made us one our flames to shine...

PORTIA

Speak up a little...

NIGEL

(barely audible; can’t make eye contact)

Through night and day, no dusk or dawn between, and none could dim our light nor love divine.

PORTIA

Let me help you...

(She gets up and reads with him. He gets more confident and reads aloud with her.)

NIGEL, PORTIA

And to the stars will fly the elusive dove; to heaven’s gate with my eternal love!

(Their eyes meet on the last phrase.)

PORTIA

It’s beautiful. This is what you should be writing, words that feel true to you.

NIGEL

You mean instead of Omelette? I know. That just doesn’t feel right...

PORTIA

Then don’t write it. Write from your heart. It will move others as it has moved me.

NIGEL

Will it move your father? Change his mind? He doesn’t approve of us.

PORTIA

Neither does your brother. Oooh! Does that make us starcrossed??

(NIGEL and PORTIA gasp – then giggle.)

NIGEL

Wait, that’s not a good thing. We both know how that story ends – with me drinking poison and you with a dagger in your heart.

(#26 – WE SEE THE LIGHT begins.)

PORTIA: Maybe it doesn't have to. Maybe we can write a different ending.

I'm tired of list 'ning to the 5 (PORTIA:) œ œ œ œ same sad sto ry. -& b b 7 ‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ

ing

'ly plot

We'll show 'em how true ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ Œ love Þnds a way! Something Rotten!

I'm think ing we can œ œ œ œ œ œ œ show 'em that's not who we are. & b b 13 ‰ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ‰ J ¿

little bit slower, a lot more judgement

But then, they'll hear the words of truth you've written from your heart!

steps forward and reads from his poem.) Slower

PURITANS: Awww. PORTIA: Then they'll...

hearts will o pen! And ∑ (PORTIA:)

see the light, You 35 + PORTIA: (PURITANS ßip their capes and frocks over to reveal paisley and bright ßowers as they burst out into a jubilant 70s-style dance, with PORTIA and NIGEL joining in.)

changed how we're think in', cuz -

(NIGEL, PORTIA, PURITANS:)

we were blind, but you

. œ œ œ œ œ ‰ j œ

showed us the way. We're &39 œ œ b ‰ j œ œ œ œ ‰ j

right, Sal

va tion is yours if you -&41

do what is true to you,

it

Luh uh uh uh uh ove. œ œ œ Œ ú ú ú

Yeah, - - - - -

(BROTHER JEREMIAH enters and is standing amongst them - arms folded, looking angry.)

your

BROTHER JEREMIAH: -&59

Go on, do it right now... œ

(BROTHER JEREMIAH:) -

œ b œ œ n œ œ Œ ‰ J œ

need no fur ther proof, these (pointing to Nigel's poem)

(BROTHER JEREMIAH:)

NICK: (NICK has entered, and he's about to voice his objection.)

(NIGEL, PORTIA, PURITANS:)

NIGEL: NICK: (NIGEL simply holds his poem out in front of his face.) ¿

Wait! Read! ∑

Œ Aww! Yay! ∑ PURITANS: (NICK reads and instantly smiles broadly.)

wrong, you're right. Sal

wrong, you're right.

I've been changed, I've been changed, I've been changed by œ œ

(NIGEL and PORTIA are left onstage.)

NIGEL

You really think that could happen?

PORTIA

Yes. Once my father sees your heart is true, he will love you as much as I do.

(BROTHER JEREMIAH enters with a couple of PURITANS.)

BROTHER JEREMIAH

You dare defy me, daughter of Eve?!?

PORTIA

Please, Father...

BROTHER JEREMIAH

You bid me grant you leave so you could pray forgiveness in church, and instead you slither off here?

PORTIA

(to NIGEL)

Read it. Read your poem.

(NIGEL steps forward to read.)

NIGEL

“If love is a sic...”

BROTHER JEREMIAH SILENCE!

NIGEL

Okay.

BROTHER JEREMIAH

You will tempt my daughter no more. She will be locked in the church tower, and there she will stay until her exile to our brethren in Scotland.

PORTIA

NO!...

(The PURITANS drag her away.)

NIGEL

Portia!

PORTIA

Write what you feel, Nigel.

NIGEL

I will! I promise!

I love you!

And I l—

PORTIA

NIGEL

(BROTHER JEREMIAH stops him.)

BROTHER JEREMIAH

I am warning you, boy! Leave her be – or you will pay... dearly.

(BROTHER JEREMIAH leaves. NIGEL is left alone, panicking.)

(#28 – NIGEL’S THEME begins.)

NIGEL’S THEME

(As he writes, the theater opens and the TROUPE and SHAKESPEARE enter, holding script pages in front of their faces.)

SCENE 13: THE THEATRE (NIGEL)

I’m still working out the details, but why don’t we take it from the prince’s soliloquy.

(He hands PETER QUINCE a page. As PETER QUINCE reads, SHAKESPEARE is gobsmacked by what he hears and moves closer to get a peek at the pages.)

PETER QUINCE

To be or not to be – that is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take arms against a sea of troubles. (lowering paper, to NIGEL)

Wow, you’ve, like really wrote some good writing here, mate.

TROUPE

It is!/It’s amazing. (etc.)

Um... what the heck?

NICK

PETER QUINCE

Nick, your little brother has written something truly amazing.

FRANCIS FLUTE

It’s better than Shakespeare.

SHAKESPEARE

Um... is it?

(NICK crosses to NIGEL.)

NICK

You wrote something and didn’t even run it by me?

NIGEL

Nick, please – just listen. You gave me all these insane ideas, and I took the ones that actually made sense and wrote something that rings true. In here. So – it’s about a prince –and he isn’t eating a danish, he is Danish and he’s lost the love of his life and she’s sent into exile where she will probably die of a broken heart... and he’s so sad, he doesn’t want to go on living – he just wants to die – “to die, to sleep, to sleep perchance, to dream.”

(SHAKESPEARE takes the pages.)

SHAKESPEARE

(dropping the Toby voice)

That’s the great idea...

(NICK takes the pages from SHAKESPEARE, looks through them.)

NICK

This has nothing to do with eggs!

SHAKESPEARE

That’s what’s missing! Why don’t I collect all these pages and hold them for safekeeping?

(SHAKESPEARE takes the pages from NICK, but NIGEL takes them from SHAKESPEARE.)

NIGEL

Nick, I’m worried you aren’t thinking clearly here. Read it. I think it’s good.

NICK

I have read it, and where’s the omelette?

NIGEL

There is no omelette.

NICK

What do you mean there’s no omelette, there has to be an omelette.

NIGEL

Why?

(#29 – TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE begins.) TO THINE OWN SELF

Something Rotten! JR.

NICK: Because it's called OMELETTE!

NIGEL: WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE CALLED "OMELETTE"??

NICK: It just does!

NIGEL: Ugh. (to the TROUPE) This is pointless.

ROBIN: Just read him what you wrote!

NIGEL: Okay, Þne.

(NIGEL:) Nick, something happened last night. I promised to write what I feel... and here it is.

& # # 4 4

(NIGEL:) Nick, something happened last night. I promised to write what I feel... and here it is.

& # # . . . . 7 ∑ 2x 2 (NIGEL:)

Sure as the day

& # #

sure as the sky turns to -

much I

This much is true

TOM: I love that!

FRANCIS: It's like a good line and good advice!

SHAKESPEARE (as Toby)

I don’t know. I thought the whole breakfast theme was really strong. Everyone loves breakfast!

NICK

Exactly! You’re completely ignoring the theme!

NIGEL

I’m ignoring the “breakfast theme” – because it’s ridiculous!

NICK

Oh really? So my idea is wrong but this whole “true to yourself” thing is right?

NIGEL

That’s not just a line, it’s what I believe. Nick, what has happened to you? Where’s the brother who had integrity, who inspired me to become a writer?

NICK

Look, we don’t have time for this. We open in a week. Are you gonna help me write Omelette or not?

(NIGEL looks to the TROUPE, then back to NICK.)

NIGEL No.

NICK No??

NIGEL

I can’t. It doesn’t feel right. And deep down, I don’t think it feels right to you either.

NICK

It must be so great to always “do what you feel” because you have no one else to take care of but yourself. And that’s why I never wanted to write that sappy “brother who carried you from Cornwall” story – because I’m still carrying you. And I’m sick of it!

NIGEL

Then why don’t I just get off your back.

(NIGEL exits. SHAKESPEARE collects all the script pages...)

SHAKESPEARE

Why don’t I just hang on to these – for safe keeping...

(SHYLOCK enters.)

SHYLOCK

Nick! There you are! I’ve got news! Your musical? Omelette? We’re not selling any tickets...

(NICK looks gutted.)

... because we’ve SOLD OUT! They lined up around the block!

TROUPE

What? Seriously? Wait, what did he say? (etc.)

NICK

You hear that, guys!? We have a HIT! So let’s give the audience what they’re hungry for.

OMELETTE THE MUSICAL!

(#30 – TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE (PLAYOFF) begins. They cheer and exit as we transition to...)

SCENE 14: A LONDON STREET

(BEA enters with a basket of food as NIGEL enters from the opposite side. She sees him.)

BEA

Nigel. I was just bringing you guys some lunch. How’s the show going?

NIGEL

Um... you’d have to ask Nick.

(BEA instantly senses something’s wrong. She motions for him to sit on a nearby bench.)

BEA

Sit. Talk to me. What’s wrong?

NIGEL

We just had a big fight. He said he was carrying me. I’m thinking maybe we shouldn’t work together anymore.

BEA

Uh-huh. Do you know the poem “Love is a Boatload of Work?”

NIGEL

Um... no?

BEA

That’s because the poets never write about what love is really like. Try being married for ten years, it’s not all summer’s days and sweet-smelling roses. It’s more like “Shall I compare thee to an old dog’s breath?”

(They laugh.)

Look, I’ll admit I’ve never seen him like this. He’s under a lot of pressure and doing some really stupid things like taking all our savings from the money box...

NIGEL

What??

BEA

Oh yeah. Still trying to figure out how that love poem is going to end. But you know he can’t do this without you. Maybe you need to carry him for a bit.

NIGEL

Okay. I will.

BEA

Great. I can’t wait to see what you two come up with. I’m sure you’ll give ’em a show they’ll never forget.

SCENE 15: ON STAGE AT THE THEATRE

(#31 – SOMETHING ROTTEN begins.)

NICK: (in the clear)

(The TROUPE is in the banquet room. NIGEL enters, holding an egg like Yorick's skull.)

Alas, poor yolk, I know thee well. ∑ Brighter 5

smell it, you can tell it's some thing

rot ten. Now the - -

king dom is shot and it's

all gone to pot.

(NICK looks to the egg.)

NICK: Frailty, thy name is egg.

Hea ven help us there is some thing

rot ten!

(NICK)

How like thee I am. For I am – what I am, and what I am doth be an illusion.

HORATIO

You beckoned, my lord.

Where is Macavity?

NICK

HORATIO

At the Jellicle Ball. He would not come. Alas, my lord, what vexes thee?

NICK

I dreamed a dream, Horatio. An impossible dream. There were wheels upon yon dream. And raindrops upon Rosencrantz and whiskers on his kitten.

HORATIO

What be the meaning of it?

NICK

We’ve got trouble.

HORATIO

Trouble? NICK

Trouble, I say! (NIGEL re-enters.)

Where is Macavity!?

Macavity’s not there!

(NICK)

NIGEL

(ROBIN (the QUEEN) enters. All bow.)

FOOTMAN

My Queen.

(as QUEEN)

ROBIN

Oh, what a ball. I could have danced all night! Gentle prince, thine absence ’twas worrisome for the king and I.

(ROBIN points to SHAKESPEARE, who is dressed as the KING, wearing a crown.)

NICK

He wears the crown that should don my head. GOD I HOPE I GET IT!

SHAKESPEARE

(as Toby)

Fair guests – wilkommen, bienvenue, welcome. The wedding breakfast is served!

Something Rotten! JR.

(#32 – MAKE AN OMELETTE begins.)

MAKE AN OMELETTE

(SHAKESPEARE (KING) sits with ROBIN (QUEEN), surrounded by the court. MEMBERS of court stand about. NICK notices a bowl of eggs on the table.)

NICK: My father newly dead and the funeral boiled eggs now coldly furnish forth the marriage table.

Relaxed 4

& # 4 4 ∑

SHAKESPEARE (TOBY): Pray, Nephewwhat dost thou mean?

NICK: Well, I'll tell you...

& # 6 2

Rubato, but keep it moving!

SHAKESPEARE (TOBY): Pray, Nephewwhat dost thou mean?

NICK: Well, I'll tell you...

life can't al ways taste like sweet per Rubato, but keep it moving!

But when life has hand ed you some œ œ

lem ons, Then - -

hand it back a mug of lem on Poco Rit.

&37 . . œ œ # j œ œ j œ œ ‰ œ œ ta bles, and

. œ œ N j œ œ œ œ Œ ba con,

œ œ j œ œ œ œ Œ make an -&40

. œ œ # j œ œ ú ú om 'lette, ¿ Œ ‰ œ j œ yeah! When it œ œ j œ œ j œ looks like you should quit,&43 ú ‰ œ j œ Find a œ œ œ œ noth er way of œ # œ œ œ ‰ j œ œ look in' at it, When - -&46 ú j œ œ J œ life gives you eggs, œ œ œ œ œ œ You got ta make that... (CAST enters in egg costumes.) -

(NICK tries to hit them and crack them open with his whisk.)

high you'll

prob a bly die When - - -& b b b b b 103 ú ú j

J

œ When (EGGS re-enter having been cracked open and turned into an omelette.) & b b b b b 107 ú ú j

n great big bowl of eggs, ú úú ‰ .

J

life gives you eggs,

You got ta make that...&

SHAKESPEARE

(as Toby)

I have a question.

(NICK is thrown by the unscripted interruption.)

NICK

Er, fair Uncle Scar? Why doth thou speakest when thou shouldn’t... speakest?

SHAKESPEARE

Because I want to know – how canst thou make an omelette... when one of the eggs be rotten? (sniffing around, gasping)

Ay, there’s the rub! The rotten one – is you!

NICK

Toby?

SHAKESPEARE

Or not Toby – that is the question.

(He removes his beard and wig, revealing his true identity.)

NIGEL

Will?

Shakespeare?

PETER QUINCE

SHAKESPEARE

And you said I was a bad actor.

NICK

You little snake.

Nick, what’s going on?

NIGEL

SHAKESPEARE

(points to NOSTRADAMUS)

That woman is a soothsayer. And she was hired by... (points to NICK)

... this man, who paid her to look into the future and steal my greatest idea.

ROBIN

Nick? Is this true?

NICK

Guys, I can expl—

(The TROUPE, disappointed, walks away. NICK follows them, but they’re gone. Then he turns to see NIGEL staring in disbelief.)

NIGEL

You lied to me?

You don’t understand...

No. I don’t.

NICK

NIGEL

(NIGEL leaves. NICK bows his head. SHAKESPEARE steps up.)

SHAKESPEARE (to balcony)

Yeah, that just happened. Exit Shakespeare!

(SHAKESPEARE exits. NICK is left alone with NOSTRADAMUS.)

NICK

I have failed... in every way.

NOSTRADAMUS

I could have told you this would happen, but you wouldn’t have listened.

NICK

No, you did tell me. You said there would be a great price. And now, I have to pay it.

(#33 – INTO THE COURTROOM begins.)

SCENE 16: COURTROOM

(NOSTRADAMUS takes her seat on the bench beside SHYLOCK and NIGEL. NIGEL turns his back on NICK. The GALLERY is in an uproar. The MASTER OF THE JUSTICE bangs his gavel as BROTHER JEREMIAH steps forward.)

MASTER OF THE JUSTICE

Order! Silence in the court!

BROTHER JEREMIAH

I share their outrage, m’lord, at this vile and offensive production. It was my duty as a magistrate to have them arrested for blasphemy, treason, witchcraft, and the parading of eggs. And for such offenses, the law demands beheading.

(Murmurs of approval from the CROWD.)

MASTER OF THE JUSTICE

Defendants? Do you have a lawyer present?

NICK

No, your grace.

(offstage as old male voice)

BEA

Correction! I am their lawyer.

(An elderly, bearded man in a black robe and wig enters (it’s BEA in disguise).)

(BEA)

(as lawyer)

And I say beheading this man would be redundant. Clearly the fool has lost his head already!

NICK

Bea?

BEA

Be more specific? I shall... Did you take the money from the money box?

NICK

Yes.

BEA

Did you deceive your brother?

NICK

Yes.

BEA

Did you lie to your wife... who by all accounts is a wonderful and supportive woman...

(to COURT SCRIBE)

Write that down!

Yes. I did all those things.

NICK

Which is why I enter a plea of temporary insanity! And before sentencing is pronounced, I think we’d all like to know... what on earth were you thinking?

NICK

The learned counselor is right.

(#34 – TO THINE OWN SELF (REPRISE) begins.)

TO THINE OWN SELF (REPRISE)

(NICK:) I did lose my mind. No, worse. I lost myself. And it wouldn't have happened if I had just listened. Someone much wiser than me tried to tell me...

This much I

know,

this much is

(They hug.)

MASTER OF THE JUSTICE

That’s very touching, but the law demands beheading, and nothing can change that.

BEA

Or can it? The defense calls Master William Shakespeare.

(#35 – SHAKESPEARE IN COURT 1 begins.)

(NICK is about to protest. BEA puts a finger to his lips. SHAKESPEARE enters.)

1

'Shakespeare' Tempo

Shake speare! ∑ -

SHAKESPEARE

Hi... hi... how are you? If it please the court...

MASTER OF THE JUSTICE

Oh, the court is very pleased... (clapping) Continue.

SHAKESPEARE

Words without thoughts never to heaven go...

MASTER OF THE JUSTICE (to CLERK)

I love how he puts words in the wrong order.

SHAKESPEARE

And the quality of mercy is not strained. It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven. But! – if a merciful ending is not – with these characters and thee at thy bench – then, shall I see fair justice done.

MASTER OF THE JUSTICE

Are you saying you might write a play about this? With me as a character? Well, I wouldn’t want to look the fool.

SHAKESPEARE

And you shan’t, Lord Falstaff – not if you spare their lives and see these mischief makers banish-ed. Send them off of this royal throne of kings, this sceptered isle – this England.

(The GALLERY, CLERK, GUARDS, and JUDGE... even NOSTRADAMUS, all applaud. SHAKESPEARE bows.)

MASTER OF THE JUSTICE (tearing up)

That is so much more elegant than beheading, I agree. Defendants, I sentence you to be banish-ed. Transported on the first ship for the New World. And take your so-called ‘Musicals’ with you!

(He bangs his gavel and then leaves. NICK hugs NIGEL, then turns and kisses BEA. SHAKESPEARE crosses.)

SHAKESPEARE

You’re welcome.

NIGEL

For what? All those lines were from my pages. You’re just getting us out of the way so you can steal my work.

SHAKESPEARE

Getting beheaded would have been out of the way as well. No, the world is better with you in it – just not my world.

(NICK steps towards SHAKESPEARE. NIGEL stops him.)

NIGEL

Let it go, Nick. All’s well that ends well.

SHAKESPEARE

Good line. Good night, sweet prince. And flights of angels... (searching for it) ... do something. I’ll figure it out. I’m Shakespeare!

Something Rotten! JR.

Shakespeare In Court 2

(#36 – SHAKESPEARE IN COURT 2 begins.)

SHAKESPEARE IN COURT 2

'Shakespeare' Tempo

& # # 4 4 Œ

CROWD: œ œ œœ . . . . ú ú úú

Shake speare! ∑ -

(SHAKESPEARE exits; the CROWD follows him. PORTIA runs in.)

PORTIA

Nigel!

NIGEL

Portia! Oh, I thought I’d never see you again!

BROTHER JEREMIAH

Portia!? What are you doing here? I sent you away!

PORTIA

And I’m going. But not before I say goodbye.

BROTHER JEREMIAH

Very well. I will allow it.

(PORTIA steps up to NIGEL.)

PORTIA

It pains the heart to bid adieu to someone you love, but alas the time has come.

(NIGEL is about to cry, but PORTIA turns to BROTHER JEREMIAH.)

Goodbye, Father.

BROTHER JEREMIAH What?!

PORTIA

“The good man’s children will be prosperous in the wilderness” – Psalm 112. You have your poets, and I will have mine!

(She stands next to NIGEL and holds his hand.)

BROTHER JEREMIAH

Oh... poop!!

(He covers his mouth like that was a bad word. BROTHER JEREMIAH runs out.)

NICK

So you made a deal... with Shakespeare?

BEA

We wanted a new country home and we’re getting a home in a new country!

NOSTRADAMUS

Didn’t see that coming!

NIGEL

And I bet they’ll be open to something really original.

NICK

And Brother – I know just the story we should tell.

SCENE 17: NEW AMERICAN COLONY

(#37 – WELCOME TO AMERICA begins.)

(SHYLOCK enters with a newspaper.)

SHYLOCK: Have you heard the news? Shakespeare's new play opened. They say it's his masterpiece.

NICK, NIGEL: What's it called?

SHYLOCK: Hamlet!

NOSTRADAMUS: Hamlet! I was this close.

(#38 – BOWS begins.)

THE END

(#39 – EXIT MUSIC begins.)

(Blackout.)

words to know from Something Rotten! JR.

Adieu – a French word meaning goodbye

Beckon – to encourage someone to come closer to you, often by waving a hand or arm, or moving your head

Bedazzled – to be impressed by someone to a point where they are flustered or dazed

Blasphemy – speaking offensively about something sacred

Bloviate – to talk for an extended time, typically in an inflated or selfimportant manner

Bon Vivants – a French phrase for a person who is sociable and enjoys an upscale or luxurious lifestyle

Brethren – refers to a group of like-minded people; originally used as an alternate form of “brother” for men in a religious group

Catatonic – a disorder that causes a person to be immobile or unresponsive to the world around them

Cesspits – a place to dispose of sewage

Daft eejit – Irish slang that means “daft idiot”

Doth – an archaic form of the present tense third-person singular of the word “do”

Epitaph – a brief statement commemorating a death; often written on gravestone or tomb

Frailty – weakness; to be delicate

Heathen – an archaic term for someone who does not belong to a widely held belief system or religion

Lute – a stringed instrument with a long neck, a round body, and a flat front, giving it the appearance of an egg cut in half

Magistrate – a civil officer who has similar responsibility to a judge. They will hold court, but only for minor offenses, and hold preliminary hearings for more serious cases

Minstrel – a medieval musician who would sing or recite poetry for the nobility

Notoriety – to be famous or well-known, often for questionable deeds

Ode – a lyric poem that expresses emotion, typically in a positive light

Opine – to state an opinion

Persimmon – a fruit that looks like a tomato and has a very sweet taste

Pewter – a metal typically used for household items. It is a combination of tin mixed with copper and/or antimony

Prattle – to speak at length in a trivial or foolish way

Puritan – a member of a Protestant religious group in the sixteenth or seventeenth centuries in New England or England

Redundant – exceeding what is normal or necessary; an action or statement that is unnecessary to add to an already well-understood point

Scourge – something that causes great suffering

'Scuse – slang for “excuse”; to pass by someone

Soliloquy – a speech, usually by a character in a play, who speaks their inner thoughts out loud even if no one is around to listen

Soothsayer – someone who is supposed to be able to see into the future

Star-crossed – lovers in classic literature whose affection for each other will eventually end in tragedy, like Romeo and Juliet

Succor – assistance or help given to someone in a time of stress or hardship

Thee – an archaic way of saying “you”

Thy – used instead of saying “your” in Shakespeare’s works

Tudor – someone related to the English royal house between 1485 and 1603; many of Shakespeare’s works were dedicated to Queen Elizabeth I, who was a Tudor

Vex – to cause distress to someone or something

glossary

actor: A person who performs as a character in a play or musical. author: A writer of a play or musical, also known as a playwright. A musical’s authors include the book writer, a composer and a lyricist.

blocking: The actors’ movement in a play or musical, not including the choreography. The director usually assigns blocking during rehearsals.

book writer: One of the authors of a musical. The book writer writes the lines (dialogue) and the stage directions. Also called the librettist.

cast: The performers in a show.

cheating out: Turning oneself slightly toward the house when performing so the audience may better see one’s face and hear one’s lines.

choreographer: A person who creates and teaches the dance numbers in a musical.

composer: A person who writes music for a musical.

creative team: The author(s), director, choreographer, music director and designers for a play or musical.

cross: When an actor onstage moves toward or away from another actor or object.

dialogue: A conversation between two or more characters.

director: A person who provides the artistic vision, coordinates the creative elements and stages the play.

downstage: The portion of the stage closest to the audience. The opposite of upstage.

house: The area of the theater where the audience sits to watch the show.

house left: The left side of the theater from the audience’s perspective. If something is located “house left,” it is to the left side of the audience as they are seated in the theater.

house right: The right side of the theater from the audience’s perspective. If something is located “house right,” it is to the right side of the audience as they are seated in the theater.

lines: The dialogue spoken by the actors.

lyricist: A person who writes the lyrics of a musical. The lyricist works with a composer to create songs.

lyrics: The words of a song.

monologue: A dramatic speech by one actor.

music director: A person who is in charge of teaching the songs to the cast and orchestra and maintaining the quality of the performed score.

musical: A play with songs that are used to tell a story.

objective: a goal or purpose to be achieved

off-book: The actor’s ability to perform his or her memorized lines without holding the script.

offstage: Any area out of view of the audience. Also called backstage.

onstage: Anything on the stage and within view of the audience is said to be onstage.

opening night: The first official performance of a production, after which the show is frozen, meaning no further changes are made, and reviews may be published.

play: A type of dramatic writing meant to be performed live on a stage. A musical is one kind of play.

protagonist: The main character in a musical. The action centers around this character.

raked stage: A stage which is raised slightly upstage so that it slants towards the audience.

rehearsal: A meeting during which the cast learns and practices the show.

script: 1) The written words that make up a show, including spoken words, stage directions and lyrics. 2) The book that contains those words. speed-through: To speak through the dialogue of a scene as quickly as possible. A speed-through rehearsal helps actors memorize their lines, and it infuses energy into the pacing of a scene.

stage directions: Words in the script that describe the actions of the characters.

stage left: The left side of the stage, from the actor’s perspective. The same side of the theater as house right.

stage manager: A person who is responsible for keeping all rehearsals and performances on schedule.

stage right: The right side of the stage, from the actor’s perspective. The same side of the theater as house left.

upstage: The part of the stage farthest from the audience. The opposite of downstage.

warm-ups: Exercises at the beginning of a rehearsal or before a performance that prepare actors’ voices and bodies.

Actor’s Script Credits

Contributing Editors

Mary-Catherine Chambliss

Rebecca Marlowe

Marianne Phelps

Designers

Kevin Johnson

Steven G. Kennedy Layout

Steven G. Kennedy

Music Layout

Daniel Mertzlufft

Rob Rokicki

Music Supervisor

Lindsay Lupi

Associate Editor

Laura Jo Schuster

Senior Managing Editor

Susan Fuller

The Broadway Junior® Concept and Format Created by Music Theatre International (MTI)

Adaptation and support materials developed for MTI by iTheatrics under the supervision of Timothy Allen McDonald.

See MTI’s complete line of Broadway Junior® musicals at: broadwayjr.com

MTI’s School Edition and full-length musicals may be found at: MTIShows.com