Forever Plaid - Updated Version Perusal

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Libretto/Vocal Book

PLAID-DEMIC VERSION

Written and Originally Directed and Choreographed by

STUART ROSS

Musical Continuity Supervision and Arrangements by

James Raitt

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Originally Produced by Gene Wolsk and Steven Suskin

In accordance with the terms and conditions specified in your performance license, all music, lyrics and dialogue contained herein is the property of the authors and is fully protected by copyright.

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You are not permitted to make any changes to the music, lyrics or dialogue of the Play including the interpolation of new material and/or the exclusion of existing material.

The format (i.e., one act) and running order of the compositions may not be altered. Any changes shall constitute a willful infringement of said copyright and will subject you to all the criminal penalties and civil liabilities under the United States Copyright Act.

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This book may not be duplicated and must be returned at the conclusion of your production.This show is the property of its Authors. Remember, you have rented these materials and been granted a performance license.

You may not duplicate these materials, nor use them for performances other then those specified in your license agreement.

Copyright Book © 1984 by Stuart Ross. All Rights Reserved.

Copyright Music and Lyrics

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“Anniversary Song” Words and Music by Al Jolson and Saul Chaplin. Copyright © MCMXLVI Mood Music Co., Inc. and Shapiro Bernstein & Co., Inc. (Renewed) International Copyright Secured. All rights reserved.

“Catch A Falling Star” Words and Music by Paul Vance and Lee Pockriss. Copyright © 1957 (renewed) Emily Music Corp. and Music Sales Corp.

“Catch A Falling Star” Words and Music by Paul Vance and Lee Pockriss. © 1957 (Renewed)by Emily Music Corp. and Music Sales Corp. International Copyright Secured. All rights reserved.

“Chain Gang” by Sam Cooke © 1960 (Renewed 1988) Abkco Music, Inc., “Crazy ‘Bout Ya Baby” Music by Rudy Maugeri, Lyrics by Pat Barrett. Copyright © 1954 Wanessa Music Productions Co. (Renewed 1982) All rights for world outside the U.S. controlled by Alley Music Corp. and Trio Music Co., Inc. International Copyright Secured.

“Cry” Words and Music by Churchill Kohlman. Copyright © MCMLI (Renewed) Shapiro Bernstein & Co., Inc. International Copyright Secured. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

“Day-O” © 1955, Renewed 1983, Cherry Lane Music Publishing Co., Inc. and Lord Burgess Music Company, “Dream Along With Me” The Songwriters Guild.

“Gotta Be This Or That” Words and Music by Sunny Skylar. © 1945 (renewed) by Music Sales Corp.

International Copyright Secured. All rights reserved.

“Heart And Soul” Words by Frank Loesser, Music by Hoagy Carmichael. Copyright ©1938 (Renewed 1965) Famous Music Corp.

“Jamaica Farewell” © 1955, Renewed 1983, Cherry Lane Music Publishing Co., Inc. and Lord Burgess Music Company.

“Kingston Market” © 1956, Renewed 1984, Cherry Lane Music Publishing Co., Inc. and Lord Burgess Music Company.

“Lady Of Spain” Music by Tolchard Evans, Lyrics by Erell Reaves. Copyright © 1931 and 1959 by Peter Maurice, London, for all countries. Sole rights for U.S., Canada and all countries in Western Hemisphere, China, Japan, Hong Kong and Philippine Islands administered by Sam Fox Publishing Co. “Love Is A Many Splendored Thing” Music by Sammy Fain, Lyrics by Paul Francis Webster.

Copyright © 1955 Twentieth Century Music Corp. Renewed and assigned to EMI Catalogue Partnership. All rights controlled and administered by EMI Miller Catalogue, Inc. International copyright secured.

“Magic Moments” Words and Music by Al Stillman and Robert Allen. Copyright ©1957 by Famous Music Corp. Renewed 1985 and assigned to Famous Music Corp.

“Matilda” Words and Music by Norman Span. Copyright © 1953 by MCA Music Publishing. All rights controlled and administered by MCA Music Publishing, a division of MCA, Inc.(Renewed) International Copyright Secured. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

“Moments To Remember” Music by Robert Allen, Lyrics by Al Stillman. Copyright ©1955 by Beaver Music Publishing Corp. Renewed and assigned to Larry Spier, Inc. and Charlie Deitcher Productions, Inc.

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“No, Not Much” Music by Robert Allen, Lyrics by Al Stillman. Copyright © 1956 by Beaver Music Publishing Corp. Renewed and Assigned to Kitty Anne Music Co. and Charlie Deitcher Productions, Inc. “Papa Loves Mambo” Words and Music by Al Hoffman, Dick Manning, Bix Reichner. Copyright © MCMLIV Shapiro Bernstein & Co., Inc. and Al Hoffman Songs, Inc. (Renewed).International Copyright Secured. All rights reserved.

“Perfidia” Music and Lyrics by Alberto Dominguez. English lyrics by Milton Leeds. Copyright © 1939, 1941 by Peer International Corp. Copyright Renewed. International Copyright Secured.

“Rags To Riches” Words and Music by Richard Adler and Jerry Ross. Copyright © 1953(Renewed) Lakshmi Puja Music Ltd. and J&J Ross Company. All Rights administered by The Songwriters Guild of America.

“Shangri-La” Music by Matt Malneck and Robert Maxwell, Lyrics by Carl Sigman. Copyright © 1946, 1956 Robbins Music Corporation.

Renewed and Assigned to EMI Catalogue Partnership. All rights controlled and administered by EMI Robbins Catalogue, Inc. International copyright secured.

“She Loves You” Words and Music by John Lenin and Paul McCartney. Copyright © 1963 by Northern Songs, Ltd., London, England. All Rights for the USA, its territories and possessions and Canada assigned to and controlled by Gil Music Corp. Copyright Renewed. International Copyright Secured.

“Sing To Me, Mr. C” Published by Roncom Music Co. “Sixteen Tons” Words and Music by Merle Travis. Copyright © 1947 Unichappell Music Inc. and Elvis Presley Music (Renewed) All Rights administered by Unichappell Music Inc. “Temptation” Written by Arthur Freed and Nacio Herb Brown.

“The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly” Written by Ennio Morricone, © 1966, 1968 Edizioni Eureka, Rome, Italy. Rights for the world outside Italy controlled by EMI Unart Catalogue, Inc. All Rights Reserved. International Copyright Secured. Used by Permission.

“Three Coins In The Fountain” Music by Jule Styne, Lyrics by Sammy Cahn. Copyright © 1954 by Cahn Music Co. and Producers Music Publishing Co., Inc. (Renewed)All rights for Cahn Music Co. administered by WB Music Corp. Producers Music Publishing Co., Inc. administered by Chappell and Co. “Undecided” Music by Charles Shavers, Lyrics by Sid Robin. Copyright © 1939 by MCA Music Publishing. Al rights controlled and administered by MCA Music Publishing, a division of MCA, Inc. (Renewed) International Copyright Secured. Used by permission.

All rights reserved.

PRODUCTION NOTE AND STATEMENT AUTHOR/DIRECTOR’S NOTE First let me thank you for doing FORVER PLAID. It has been a joy to work on this edition during these chaotic times.

I have just presented a benefit-concert version of FOREVER PLAID for the 30th Reunion of members of the original company. It was live in an outdoor, drive-in movie set up.

The audience remained in their cars. Members of the original companies of Plaid performed songs from the show.

We used most of the props of the show plus we added some social distancing props, costumes and accessories.

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I restaged the show so that the actors never touched each other and stayed at least 8 feet apart while singing.

I rethought the staging to achieve the same intimate and humorous effect even though the stage was 40 feet wide and 32 feet deep.

This lead me to re-imagine the entire show with what I learned from that experience.

Our audience was in their cars and the sound came through their cars’ stereos. There were several ‘jumbotrons’ and we used a lot of video for illustrating some of the great talents that we pay tribute to in the show.

The audience honked and flashed their headlights in lieu of their applause. It was an overwhelmingly joyous and socially responsible theatre event.

In this version, I’ve explored creative innovative ways to achieve a great deal of warmth and merriment no matter if you are in doors, in a tent or out doors.

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In the script you will find new dialogue and a few new lyrics and voiceovers.

In addition to the script, in the back, there is a guide and restaging suggestions for each moment in the show.

I have offered to re-write the opening chant to reflect your city or theatre.

I hope you find that there is a new safe way to keep live theatre, well alive during this time.

Plaidly, Stuart Ross

PRODUCTION NOTE AND STATEMENT

SPECIFIC PRODUCTION NOTES PLEASE ADD THESE NOTES TO WHAT IS ALREADY IN THE PLAID LIBRETTO

PROPS-

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PROPS are placed around the stage. The Props and microphones and chairs are assigned to one actor only If you need to hide props for a surprise reveal you might consider setting up a few small folding screens, which should be designed to blend into the set. You can also use the proscenium wings and storage benches.

STORAGE BINS-

In California Actors are not allowed to touch each others Props. So, each actor had their own bins to store props as they needed them and to toss used props and Antiseptic Wipes.

Each Actor should have two bins.

(They are like the Rubber maid bins with lids. You may one bin is exclusively for individual Ed Sullivan props)

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In addition to the props listed in the librettoPlease addGRIPPER OR GRABBERS Two to for Extendo-GRABBERS OR GRIPPERS. Using these grippers so that the actors can pass props (This is also used for comic effect a couple of times in the show.)

HAND SANITIZER and HANDIWIPES- personal small for each actor

FACE SHIELDS— C

PRODUCTION NOTE AND STATEMENT These can be used if actors have a spitting problem or use them for comic effect. Note – that face shields can Alter the way an actor hears his own voice when singing harmony. Also use the face shields if actors lean too closely to audience members.

TAPE MEASURES and YARD STICKS Use these to visually make sure they are 8feet apart during the show. The tape measures are more fun if they are retractable.

THERMOMETERS—used to check the characters temperature during the show. This is for comedic value.

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STOOLS For this version it’s better to use 4 stools with backs, instead of the usual two stools. This will keep the actors a proper distance apart while sitting.

Each Actor uses his own stool

THERE ARE NO HANDING OFF OF PROPS TO OTHER ACTORS OR CREW- EXCEPT WITH GRIPPERS OR GRABBERS OR PROTECTIVE GLOVES!!

COSTUME

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HAZMAT SUITS, PLAID MASKS, POCKET SIZ The PLAIDS enter the stage in hazmat suits. They can be Plain white, light blue or any color—You can make them Plaid if you like. But make sure they still read to audience as Hazmat suits and not like Teletubbies.

GLOVES If you want, you can use gloves – at certain moments in the show. I would definitely put on the gloves before the Ed Sullivan moment in the show. Put them on during the set up. Then they will be on for the Senor Wences/Plaid Dolls section of the show.

VIDEO AND PROJECTIONS We used video and projections during different sections of the show, It was created especially for the out door- large arena setting. Video was very effective for the following sections:

PRODUCTION NOTE AND STATEMENT

THE OPENING MOMENTS TO REMEMBER CRAZY ABOUT YOU BABY PERRY COMO SECTION CARRIBEAN PLAID

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ED SULLIVAN THE FINAL MOMENTS OF THE FINALE

Table Of Contents ~ Musical Numbers

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Table Of Contents ~ Musical Numbers ...............................................................................................

THE CHARACTERS ..........................................................................................................................

Author’s Note ......................................................................................................................................

NOTES FROM THE DIRECTOR ......................................................................................................

PRODUCTION NOTES .....................................................................................................................

PERFORMANCE NOTES.................................................................................................................. #1 On February Ninth (Underscore).................................................................................................... #2 Chant: Deus ex Plaid ...................................................................................................................... #3 What Happens (Underscore) .......................................................................................................... #4 Three Coins In The Fountain.......................................................................................................... #5 Gotta Be This Or That .................................................................................................................... #5A Undecided .................................................................................................................................... #6 Moments To Remember ................................................................................................................. #7 Crazy ’Bout Ya Baby ..................................................................................................................... #8 The Osterizer School of Harmonic Theory. (Undercore) ............................................................. #9 No Not Much .................................................................................................................................. #10 Perfidia ......................................................................................................................................... #11 Cry .... ........................................................................................................................................... #12 Sixteen Tons/Chain Gang ............................................................................................................. #12 A The Catering Drill/ She Love You ........................................................................................... #14 The Golden Cardigan ................................................................................................................... #15 Catch A Falling Star ..................................................................................................................... #16 Caribbean Plaid ............................................................................................................................ #17 Heart and Soul .............................................................................................................................. #18 Mercury ........................................................................................................................................ #19 Lady Of Spain............................................................................................................................... #20 Scotland The Brave ...................................................................................................................... #21 Shangra-La/Rags To Riches ......................................................................................................... #21A Before Love (Underscore) ......................................................................................................... #22 Love Is A Many Splendored Thing ..............................................................................................

Preface

Forever Plaid

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Production Notes SETS AND PROPS –– The setting is simple. Four microphones, a piano and a bass. The stage is enclosed in a deep blue curtain (scrim) with glittering stars applied to it and a star drop behind it. The proscenium is a deep blue with green.

Chaser lights are hidden.

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Both sides of the stage have a portal that also serves a plaid light box. They extend into the stage area. The light boxes illuminate a Plaid interior. The Perry Como colanders are also attachable to the fronts. Half circle seats are attached to the front of the boxes. The tops raise to reveal storage area for props.

The floor is a deep blue lexan with glittery stars applied underneath. There can be a lower lip or deck to the front of the stage for intimacy in larger theatres. The actors can address the audience directly from this apron.

It is nice to use the old CBS EYE logo to be part of the set when they mention the “Columbia Broadcasting System.” It could be on the reverse side of the accordion case. Sometimes we have JINX and SPARKY sit on the accordion case downstage for intimacy.

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During “Shangri-La/Rags to Riches” the entire setting goes Plaid. The light boxes go Plaid. Chaser lights and the portals light up. The mirror ball begins to whirl and stars appear above the audience. The back curtain opens to reveal a wall of Plaid. The stage floor fills with smoke as thousands of bubbles fill the air. A star canopy is over the audience’s heads and fills the ceiling of the theatre.

As the Plaids leave the black stage for the curtain call, their silhouettes are seen rising up to the moon, microphones and suitcase in hand. During the curtain call, a sign drops in with the FOREVER PLAID logo.

The first set of album covers for SMUDGE’S speech should look as if he made them. They aren’t jokes; they are just simple.

THE DOLLS should be dressed exactly like THE PLAIDS. Use a glove to hold the ball where the head of the doll should be. Like Senor Wences’ puppets the gloves have faces painted on them and the actors move their thumbs like the lips of the dolls. This is one of the biggest laughs in the show.

THE PLAID BOOK OF LIFE –– A loose leaf with pages that have spaces for name, and address. Make sure an usher keeps track of it. We’ve lost plenty. An

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usher should also be available to escort the woman from the stage and back to her seat.

COSTUMES –– White Dinner Jackets (with shawl collars) with black tuxedo pants. Pink tuxedo shirts and Plaid cummerbunds and bowties. Plaid suspenders, Plaid pocket swatches (to be revealed during “Perfidia”) and red boutonniers.

Class rings. I.D. bracelet for Francis. Black wing-tip shoes.

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Four Plaid tuxedo jackets with white pocket swatches and white boutonniers, lined in satin with satin collars. The suspenders, bowties and cummerbunds must be co-ordinated with the Plaid tuxedo jackets. The should have their names on the inside of the jackets on the left side.

Piano player in black tuxedo (tails optional), white shirt. Either black or Plaid bowtie and cummerbund. Black shoes. Bass player in solid black. (Beret optional) NOTES ON THE MICROPHONES –– It is better to use corded microphones for the period flavor and radio (RF) mikes worn for the dialogue only in bigger theatres.

The mike stands should have round bases. There is a company that we have ordered from that have the best mike stands for the show. They are black so they don’t reflect the light, and they have shock cushions in the bases so they don’t make sound when you touch them. They are also very inexpensive. In addition, please use windscreens.

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THE SOUND ––should be lush and rich and whenever possible speakers should be used around the theatre to give the “SURROUND SOUND –– LIVING STEREO” effect. The sound should be processed so the audience feels the music in their bones rather than just their ears. If you use reverb –– and you should –– use it with taste. A little reverb as a bass is good to assist in “floating the blend”.

Sound should be first thing to tech. It is the most important element of this show.

Also use substitute mikes in rehearsal: getting the actors used to holding the mikes is very important and should begin as soon as they know each number.

AMBIENCE –– There should be as much done as possible to create a fun atmosphere for the audience. It is essential that the lobby be decorated in various Plaids, with fun memorabilia from the fifties. Fifties food should be served... Rice Krispie Marshmallow squares, S’Mores, Sloppy Joes, Plaid burgers, root beer floats, malteds, hanging stars, hanging 45 records, pictures of Perry Como, Patti Page, record covers of The Four Lads, The Four Aces, The Hi-los, etc. 1950’s cars on the street front. Just remember that this is the other side of the 50’s and 60’s –– not the rock Rock ’n Roll 50’s and 60’s. We are very proud of the fact

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Forever Plaid

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that the audience becomes part of the Family of Plaid. “The Plaid� experience begins when they buy their tickets.

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Forever Plaid

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Performance Notes

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Although there is a great deal of humor in FOREVER PLAID, the show must be performed “straight.” The characters should never be aware of the humor, except where noted. These are each individual characters, who in life, were not successes, but they had a deep passion for music. They are not sure of themselves as performers, yet when they sing, they sound MAGNIFICENT.

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The audience must believe that if the circumstances and society were different, they would have become recording stars. THE PLAIDS always remain humble, modest, serious and grateful, even Sparky.

FOREVER PLAID is divided into four main beats, which will be noted below.

During the prologue the voice-over works best if it is spoken live, like a newsreel newscaster. There should be no hint of camp in it..

The prologue sets everything up, all the relationships and the premise of the evening.

“Three Coins In A Fountain” is a classic wish song. It should be treated with reverence.

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A VERY IMPORTANT NOTE –– As in “Three Coins...” each number has an emotional connection and can be tracked for the growth of each character. We must see the passion and belief in the music in each character. During the numbers, to establish relationships, it is uesful and necessary for the actors to make eye contact and to continually monitor each other’s actions.

There are surprisingly few moments in the show for great loud, jazzy singing.

“Undecided”, and “Crazy ’Bout You Baby” are the two most representative of this style. Therefore, sing out and have a great time enjoying singing strongly.

“Crazy ’Bout You Baby” ––They should use the plungers like microphones. The staging should get crazier as the number goes on. It should get stronger and jazzier.

“No Not Much” –– This number ends the first beat of the show. The first beat of the show introduces the characters and the sound of the group as a whole and the style of what a concert would have been like. During this number the cast should reach a climax of great emotional singing. Then what happens is their human

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foibles foil their progress a bit: Asthma, nose bleeds, ulcers and forgetfulness.

After “No Not Much” we learn about the characters on a deeper level and we see different facets of them as they each take a feature number.

Regarding the Record speech, the simpler and more direct it is, the greater the pay-off in “Rags to Riches” especially in regards to the Gold Record. This speech is the bridge to the second beat starting with “Perfidia” and it ends with the Golden Cardigan sequence.

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MISS RHEINGOLD BEER CONTEST was a popular contest of the fifties. The Miss Rheingold contestants were often seen on calendars and in TV and Print ads.

If you feel it necessary, you can change the name of the beer to BUDWEISER or SCHLITZ or PABST BLUE RIBBON. The only criterion is that it be a beer that would have been available in Pennsylvania in the 1950s.

“Perfidia” –– Sparky should sing his heart out in the number and try to cover up the fact that he needs to look at the words on his hand. It should be a subtle joke or else it gets tiring. Don’t play “Perfidia” for laughs! He’s waited over three decades to sing this number.

JINX’S line, “The sentiments of that song, while peppy, are true. We always wanted to be in Looov...” This plants a seed for “Cry”. I’ve watched this work over the years. The more sincere and sad this line, the more powerful the effect of CRY.

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“Cry” –– This is not “Star Search.” It was originally conceived to show the growing up of JINX. It was not conceived as an imitation of Johnnie Ray. During this number JINX breaks through his shyness and realizes this is his only chance to sing the way he’s always secretly dreamed of singing. He feels it’s his obligation to communicate the message of the song to everyone. That’s what brings the house down during this song. He sings it with all his heart and voice. It should start like a timid lullaby, then burst into a plea of love.

“16 Tons”/“Chain Gang” –– THERE IS A PITFALL, A MAJOR PITFALL, with these two songs. They should be performed as if you were great singers. Never, never perform if as a parody of a “white boy trying to sing with soul”. THE PLAIDS should just sing full out. This is especially true for FRANCIS. He doesn’t have many opportunities to wail in the show so when he sings “Chain Gang” he must sing with his entire being. He, of all the characters, realizes the power of their mission. If SMUDGE is incapable of producing the low C at the end of the song, do not make fun of that inability –– he should simply sing it as best he can.

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“Heart And Soul” –– AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION ––Never use a “plant”.

Always pick a woman or a little girl. This is the first time a woman has entered THE PLAIDS’ lives. She must be treated with great respect. Ad lib light “hellos” to her to make her feel comfortable, as she sits at the piano.

THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW –– Do not use the cast album as an example of how to do “Lady of Spain” with all the Ed Sullivan “bits”. This cut on the album was made to give a complete feeling of the number without seeing the show.

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The guys aren’t sure that the audience is going to like them, so they try extra hard.

JINX singing “Lady of Spain” and playing the accordion is the anchor to the piece. He must sing with great zest and love and bravura. When he sings the first note the sound should soar.

When I first created this number, JINX didn’t even know what was going on around him. He just sang his little lungs out and it was great.

SMUDGE doing the Ed Sullivan imitation. This is one of the things that he should begin doing at the first rehearsal. He should go to the library or the video store or a Museum of Broadcasting and look at old Ed Sullivan shows. It is more helpful to watch the Ed Sullivan impersonators. (Rich Little, Jackie Mason, John Byner, etc.) The actors should also research Senor Wences for “’S’ allright? ’S all right.” The Singing Nun, Topo Gigio –– The Italian Mouse, Jose Jimenez and anything else that’s not familiar to them.

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SPARKY appearing as “The Lady of Spain” with a veil over his face and two big red ostrich feather fans. He must try to dance the flamenco down to JINX. He should be very serious.

SMUDGE using the whip is a great bit if you have room to use a big bullwhip and he can learn how to make it crack. If not, a toy one is very funny if he treats it as if it is a big whip. This is also a first day of rehearsal prop.

Finally, SMUDGE should eat fire at the end. This should be taught at the beginning of the rehearsal process. We have never had a problem or an accident.

An off stage person must dip the wick of the torch during the set up of the number, which happens while SPARKY and JINX chat about their childhood.

“Scotland the Brave” –– This must be very solemn. All that is wrong with it is that SMUDGE has his cloth on the wrong shoulder. He has to get it back like the others have theirs by the end of the number. It’s nice when SPARKY and JINX don’t notice anything. They just keep singing. The subtler SMUDGE is in changing the side of his cloth, the funnier and truer to the spirit of the show. This

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is where the show can be “too cute.” It is an act of God that allows him to get it right by the end of the number. FRANCIS may look over occasionally. but he and SMUDGE never make eye contact.

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“Shangri-La/Rags To Riches” –– This number is their dream come true. Bubbles, lights, fog, spectacular lighting. They even get the record covers of their dreams and they have gold records in them. Everything is perfect. No mistakes. It is slick and fabulous and the audience should cheer. When SMUDGE takes the stage and throws his head and his glasses fly off, it should not appear intentional. He is now gorgeous and sexy. He sings with incredible power and magnetism. He is truly possessed by the greatness that he always had within him. To make this work well, the audience should not expect him to do this number and be this great.

Remember, he is the one who didn’t want to be here in the first place.

On the final notes the set turns Plaid and a big flashing logo for FOREVER PLAID descends. All the chaser lights go berserk and a canopy of lights over the audience shimmers. At the crest of the applause the lights begins to fade; the cast is devastated. They realize that their time on earth is nearly over.

FINAL SCENE –– Having finally touched their dream, and having performed a great number they are saddened by theit inevitable departure and they can’t sing.

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FRANCIS has to pull them together –– he realizes that for all the greatness of “Shangri La/Rags...”, they’re is still one the more thing they must do to fulfill their destiny, completing the show is completing their mission. The speech should move and should be moving. There is a time pressure. FRANCIS has asthma so it is a strain for him to keep talking but he does. He fights his asthma and wins. He must keep rolling. It was originally written without punctuation. People have often tried to cut this speech from the show. The show doesn’t work as well. It is important. It is like a big musical number. It is a tribute to the glory of music. But he should never pause in it till “... we cut off”. It should build till that point. Then he may pause. Here he realizes for the first time why they truly came back to earth. They came back to earth and were given this chance in order to realize they all had a “wonderful life”. And THAT is the point of the show. ALL our lives are wonderful no matter what level of success we have attained. As long as we have dreams and believe in them we have achieved greatness.

The other Plaids should slowly and silently agree to sing the finale.

“Love Is A Many Splendored Thing” –– We should see in their eyes that they are proud and thrilled to be singing this song and also it is tinged with the bittersweetness of their final farewell.

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Preface

Forever Plaid

Page vi

CODE OF PLAID A Plaid must never sacrifice the sound for a joke.

A Plaid remains humble.

A Plaid always carries a clean white handkerchief with him.

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A Plaid always makes sure that his shoes are shined.

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A Plaid doesn’t let the choreography get in the way of the music or sound.

A Plaid doesn’t ad lib.

A Plaid treats the audience with respect.

A Plaid doesn’t act rude or rowdy when wearing a "show" t-shirt in public.

A Plaid never mugs or plays for the joke or the laugh.

When in doubt, a Plaid underplays his dialogue.

A Plaid doesn’t upstage.

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A Plaid adjusts his sound on mike to blend.

A Plaid must never think he is funny.

A Plaid takes care of his fellow Plaid

Forever Plaid (A pianist in tails and a face mask,walks across the stage. HE stands in a spotlight and bows formally. He takes out a ‘Disinfectant Wipe’ Wipes the Piano . He nods to the masked Bass Player. He sits at the piano and pompously plays a grand fanfare ending in an arpeggio. He smiles at the AUDIENCE and begins to play “The March Of Time”)

(Underscore)

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#1 On February Ninth

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VOICE-OVER Once upon a time, on February 9th, 1964, a semi-professional harmony group from eastern Pennsylvania was on their way to their first big gig at the airport Hilton Cocktail Bar, The Fusel-Lounge. While driving in their cherry-red 1954 Mercury convertible, they were rehearsing their finale, “Love Is A Many Splendored Thing.” They were just getting to their favorite E flat diminished seventh chord when they were slammed broadside by a school bus filled with eager Catholic teens from Our Lady of Harrisburg. The teens were on their way to witness the Beatles make their U.S. television debut on the Ed Sullivan Show, and miraculously escaped uninjured. The Harmony group, however, was killed instantly.

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(Thunder Crash and lightning.

From the back of the house we hear four heavenly voices chanting.

We see the cast in HAZMAT SUITS. THEY carry candles as they walk through the AUDIENCE SMUDGE carries their suitcase. They are terrified and thrilled at the same time.)

THEY carry candles as they walk through the AUDIENCE SMUDGE carries their suitcase. They are terrified and thrilled at the same time.) #2 Chant: Deus ex Plaid JINX, FRANCIS, SPARKY, SMUDGE (NEW LYRICS) CO OH VID GO A WAY FROM THIS SWELL TOWN AND STAY GONE MAY THE GODS OF HARMONY PRO-O-TECT US DISINFECT US SO YOU CAN RETURN TO YOUR NORMAL LIVES AMEN---SH-BOOM

Forever Plaid FRANCIS Holy Canolli! We’re finally back on earth.

SMUDGE We’re late.

SPARKY Are we still dead?

FRANCIS

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JINX

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Technically, yes.

We have voices again.

SPARKY

And bodies.

FRANCIS

And Hazmat suits.

SPARKY

And Plaid masks.

JINX, FRANCIS, SPARKY, SMUDGE

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Ooooh.

JINX

Look at all the people.

(If a Drive-In Situation-add- ‘And all the cars.’- I will do a separate page for alterations to drive-in / out door venues)

SMUDGE That’s more people (and cars) than we ever played for in life.

SPARKY (To a member of the AUDIENCE) Excuse me, excuse me, what year is it right now?

FRANCIS (If AUDIENCE member does not respond) 2020 –– I think.

Forever Plaid SPARKY Wow. That means we’ve been suspended in this time warp type thing for, let’s see, borrow the one carry from the nine...

FRANCIS Fifty______ years!

SPARKY

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SMUDGE Oh, gosh. My ulcer’s come back.

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My aura’s had it.

FRANCIS

(Wheezing) So’s my asthma.

JINX I think I’m getting a nose bleed again.

(Checks nose) No. I’m okay.

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FRANCIS Everybody just relax. Take a deep breath.

(THEY all do and accidentally blow out their candles. They each put them away in their own bin.)

SMUDGE Thus it is written in the Celestial Guide to the Harmonic galaxy. Candidates for Cosmic certification shal be sent back to earth to complete an unfinished mission of Harmonic convergence and improbable humor. as an anecdote for potntial physical unwellness.

SPARKY While on earth such delegates will be suseptible to all their previous earthly feelings, foibles and frailities: including any infiltarting airborne impurities that surround the atmosphere at said time.

FRANCIS Great. Get ready.

(The other Plaids make faint protesting noises) Cmon. What’s the worst thing that can happen to us? We’re already dead. We can’t die again.

Forever Plaid SPARKY OK. We were tested before re-entering the earth’s atmosphere.

And we got the results back already? Perks of diplomatic immunity.

FRANKIE We’ll be able to fulfill our missions , if we follow these few simple guide lines.

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SMUDGE But we haven’t sung in decades.

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SPARKY When you take off your mask . Stand 8 feet apart. Don’t touch your face. Only touch your own props. Donn’t sing flat. Sanitize often. Take your temperatrure after every ‘up-tempo’ song.. Don’t touch the audience.

JINX

I’m nervous.

FRANCIS

I’m panicked.

SMUDGE (Walking off the stage) I'm rolling over in my grave right now. I'm not going through with this. I'm leaving.

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FRANCIS Get back here. We’ve been given the chance of a lifetime.

SPARKY C’mon. C’mon. We could make the biggest comeback since Lazarus!

JINX Hey guys, look, all our old stuff is here!

ALL Wow! SMUDGE (Panicking) Still, there’s so much to do: Take the dust covers off the microphones, go over the running order...

JINX The words...

Forever Plaid SMUDGE The notes...

JINX The moves...

SMUDGE

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FRANCIS (Starts wheezing and inhales from the asthma inhaler) A... a... a... a...

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I need a Rolaids.

SPARKY He’s hyperventilating again. He’s hyperventilating. Neat.

FRANCIS (Catching his breath) I’ll be O.K. You just go over your lyrics. I don’t want any screw-ups.

SPARKY “LOVE IS A LONG AND SLENDER THING...”

(FRANCIS hits SPARKY) Ouch!

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JINX He’s gonna be hacking around like that all night. I just know it.

SMUDGE

Let’s go back.

FRANCIS (In a loud whisper) No! Do you want to be stuck between worlds forever?

ALL Nuh uh!

FRANCIS Then we’ve got to go through with the show from start to finish.

JINX Wait. We can’t do the show like this.

Forever Plaid

#3 What Happens

(Underscore)

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VOICE OVER (With musical underscoring)

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(THEY realize that they are in their HAZMAT suits. As the following VOICE-OVER begins, THEY get out of their Hazmat suits and remove the cloths from their microphones, and with painstaking accuracy and precision. They fold them.

Then they each toss them into the appropriat bin

What happens when a harmony group is snuffed out midcoda? Where do the unresolved chords of those unresolved lives end up? Parapsychologists believe that their spirits are doomed to wander the astral plain, never resting, until that exact moment when humanity’s stressinduced fear of unwellness and sadness reach deafening proportions that it channels them back through the dimensions returning to earth to complete their mission of Harmony and be at peace for all eternity. Ladies and gentlemen, that moment draws near.

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PLAIDS (They tap the mikes) Testing... Testing...

SMUDGE One SPARKY Two FRANCIS Three JINX Four ALL Plaids.

Forever Plaid FRANCIS (Whispers) Holy Canolli!

Wait! (spray disenfectant on microphone. With separate bottles of purell type gel) It’s time to start. Check your flies.

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VOICE OVER (With musical underscoring) And now for the first time on this or any other planet. The Return of Forever Plaid!

(LIGHTS come up and The Plaids are blinded for the first sixteen bars) (THREE COINS IN THE FOUNTAIN has new staging Notes)

ALL THREE COINS IN THE FOUNTAIN EACH ONE SEEKING HAPPINESS

FRANCIS THROWN BY THREE HOPEFUL LOVERS WHICH ONE WILL THE FOUNTIAN BLESS?

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ee Coins In The Fountain

ALL THREE HEARTS IN THE FOUNTAIN, EACH HEART LONGING FOR ITS HOME FRANCIS THERE THEY LIE IN THE FOUNTAIN JINX, SPARKY, SMUDGE OOH, OOH, OOH, WHERE? FRANCIS SOMEWHERE IN THE HEART OF ROME.

Forever Plaid ALL WHICH ONE WILL THE FOUNTAIN BLESS? WHICH ONE WILL THE FOUNTAIN BLESS? THREE COINS IN THE FOUNTAIN THROUGH THE RIPPLES HOW THEY SHINE FRANCIS JUST ONE WISH WILL BE GRANTED

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FRANCIS ONE HEART WILL WEAR A VALENTINE.

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JINX, SPARKY, SMUDGE OOH, OOH, OOH, WHICH?

ALL

MAKE IT MINE MAKE IT MINE MAKE IT MINE

SPARKY (Pushed forward by FRANCIS, SPARKY addresses the AUDIENCE. He wears a retainer) Good Evening. We’re Forever Plaid, and we’re dead.

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And you’re not

So let’s keep it that way-

(THEY take out sanitizer and spray and measure the distance between themselves)

And uh... we never got to do this show when we were –– you know –– alive, and now that we’re not, we’re hoping to do the show that we would’ve done if we could’ve when we were, which we’re not, so we didn’t and now we can.

You see, it’s because of all the astro-technical stuff like the stars being in conjunction with the positions of the planets, and the sounds of our voices, (FRANCIS signals to him to stop because he’s gone on too long) combined with the expanding holes in the ozone layer, and the healing power of certain musical chords and our need to prove our worthiness make it

Forever Plaid possible for us to do the show that we couldn’t which we didn’t and now we can. Anyway, we’re here, you’re there, (And as each one says his name, HE steps out, announces his name and steps back) and I’m Sparky.

SMUDGE

Jinx.

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JINX

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I’m Smudge.

SPARKY

He was my step-brother.

FRANCIS

Frankie.

SPARKY

His real name is Francis.

(SMUDGE points to the Bass Player)

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And that’s Uncle Chester on the bass. He’s not really my uncle. Mom’s just had him around the house since Dad went to Korea.

FRANCIS And on the piano, we have ____________ [Name of Pianist] (FRANCIS turns his head to SPARKY who turns to SMUDGE who turns to JINX who goes to the piano player. JINX gets the name and whispers to SMUDGE who whispers to SPARKY who whispers to FRANCIS who tells the AUDIENCE. This is very quickly done) Michael, we don’t really know him. He came with the room (Tent- arean- drivein.) Anyway, we’ve waited an entire lifetime to be able to stand ( alt. in this parking lot (or wherever)before you tonight and ask the musical question...

ALL WHOOO WHICH ONE WILL THE FOUNTAIN BLESS? WHICH ONE WILL THE FOUNTAIN BLESS?

Forever Plaid THREE COINS IN THE FOUNTAIN, THROUGH THE RIP(* STAGING SCHTICK- SPARKY EXTEND A TAPE MEASURE FROM A SMALL RETRACTABLE TAPE MEASURE AND IT MAKES FRANCIS TAKE A BIGGER STEP FORWARD) PLES HOW THEY SHINE.

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JINX, SPRAKY, SMUDGE OOH, OOH, OOH, WHICH?

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FRANCIS JUST ONE WISH WILL BE GRANTED

FRANCIS ONE HEART WILL WEAR A VALENTINE. ALL

MAKE IT MINE MAKE IT MINE MAKE IT MINE

(THEY finish the song passionately and are stunned that they can sing again. They take a beat, then.

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JINX (Frozen in final position) What do we do next?

SMUDGE (Checking his little Plaid notebook) We segue. ( THEY ALL Take out handi wipes. Wipe mike stands) .

PUT THEIR MIKES IN THE STANDS FOR THEN NEXT NUMBER SPARKY signals Jinx where to stand) FRANCIS (To AUDIENCE) We’re going to do a segue now. That’s French music lingo for doing another song without any yakking, in between songs.

SPARKY (Whispers) Let’s go dipsticks.

Forever Plaid (MUSIC begins. SPARKY is so happy that he starts early. His false starts has him stepping DOWNSTAGE too early.

FRANCIS whispers to get him back in line) (GOTTA BE THIS OR THAT/ UNDECIDED- * NEW STAGING NOTE)

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ALL TELL ME WHAT I MUST KNOW PRETTY BABY, OR OTHERWISE I MUST GO PRETTY BABY. IT’S YES OR NO GOTTA BE THIS OR THAT

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#5 Gotta Be This Or That

IF YOU AIN’T WRONG, YOU’RE RIGHT, IF IT AIN’T DARK, IT’S LIGHT. IF YOU AIN’T SURE, YOU MIGHT. GOTTA BE THIS OR THAT. IF IT’S NOT FULL, IT’S BLANK. IF YOU DON’T SPEND YOU BANK. IF IT’S NOT BING, IT’S FRANK. GOTTA BE THIS OR THAT.

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WHO CAN IT BE IF IT AIN’T ME? I KNOW IT’S NOT YOUR BROTHER. CAN’T YOU SEE IT’S GOTTA BE ONE WAY, OR THE OTHER. TELL ME WHAT I MUST KNOW. IF YOU DON’T LIKE, I’LL GO. IF IT AIN’T YES, IT’S NO. GOTTA BE THIS OR THAT. #5A Undecided (SEGUE

THEY get more excited as the new tempo starts) ALL FULL, BLANK BING, FRANK YES, NO

Forever Plaid LET’S GO!

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FIRST YOU SAY YOU DO AND THEN YOU DON’T, AND THEN YOU SAY YOU WILL AND THEN YOU WON’T YOU’RE UNDECIDED NOW, SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

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YOU SAY IT’S YES AND THEN IT’S NO, YOU SAY YOU’LL STAY AND THEN YOU GO, YOU’RE UNDECIDED NOW, SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

SMUDGE WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO BE DOODLEY DO DO?

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ALL NOW YOU WANNA PLAY, AND THEN IT’S NO, AND WHEN YOU SAY YOU’LL STAY THAT’S WHEN YOU GO, YOU’RE UNDECIDED NOW, SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? SMUDGE WHAT ARE YOU GONNA ALL DO. DO. SPARKY I'VE BEEN SITTING ON A FENCE AND IT DOESN'T MAKE MUCH SENSE, 'CAUSE YOU KEEP ME IN SUSPENSE, AND YOU KNOW IT. YOU PROMISE TO RETURN

JINX, FRANCIS, SMUDGE OOH WOT WHAT WHAT? OOH

Forever Plaid WHAT OOH MAKE UP YOUR MIND

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ALL IF YOU GOT A HEART AND IF YOU’RE KIND THEN DON’T KEEP US APART, MAKE UP YOUR MIND, YOU’RE UNDECIDED NOW, SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

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WHEN YOU DON'T I REALLY BURN, WELL, I GUESS I'LL NEVER LEARN, AND I SHOW IT.

YA HEM AND YA HAW YA HEM AND YA HAW YA HEM AND YA HAW YA HEM AND YA HAH!

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FIRST YOU SAY YOU DO AND THEN YOU DON’T (NO YOU DON’T) AND THEN YOU SAY YOU WILL AND THEN YOU WON’T (NO YOU WON’T) YOU’RE UNDECIDED NOW, SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? WELL, WHAT’S IT GONNA BE? NOW YOU WANNA PLAY AND THEN IT’S NO, (THEN IT’S NO) AND THEN YOU STAY THAT’S WHEN YOU GO, (WHEN YOU GO) YOU’RE UNDECIDED NOW, SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? YES. NO. STAY. GO. YA HEM AND YA HAW YA HEM AND YA HAW YA HEM AND YA HAW YA HEM AND YA HAW

Forever Plaid AND YA HEM AND YA HAW AND YA HEM AND YA HAW AND YA HEM AND YA HAW AND YA HEM AND YA HAW AND YA HEM AND YA HAW AND YA HEM AND YA HAW AND YA HEM AND YA HAW

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IF YOU GOT A HEART, AND IF YOU’RE KIND, THEN DON’T KEEP US APART, MAKE UP YOUR MIND. YOU’RE INDECISIVE NOW, SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

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YOU’RE SO INDECISIVE

YOU SAY IT’S YES AND THEN IT’S NO. YOU’LL SAY YOU’LL STAY AND THEN YOU GO. YOU’RE UNDECIDED NOW, SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

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DO WAH YES NO STAY GO HEM HAW DO WAH DO WAH

(Frozen in final position) FRANCIS Do you think it’s going well?

SMUDGE I can’t tell it’s all so strange.

(THEY each take their own Temperature. And give each other the thumbs up)

Forever Plaid JINX You guys, we never sounded this good in life.

SPARKY Funny thing, death.

ALL (Softly) Huh!

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(THEY all move to set up for the next number. THEY wipe their hands) SMUDGE It’s slowly starting to come back to me now.

JINX Once you learn how to hold it, you’ll never let go of your part.

FRANCIS (To AUDIENCE. Trying to keep pace up) Those were our first two numbers. Tonight, I want to thank you for allowing us the opportunity to do the show we never got to do in life. You see, we saved up for these really boss Plaid Tuxedos, and we were on our way to pick them up the night we were kil... Well, –– we were kil...

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(HE gets caught up emotionally and can’t say “killed.” SPARKY signals to FRANCIS that it’s ok. He understands how he feels) (Whispers to SPARKY) No, it’s alright. I’m alright.

(Full voice to AUDIENCE gets Tuxedo cataogue) So for the full effect, if you squint, and think Plaid, we could look like this.

(HE opens a tuxedo catalogue to AUDIENCE. It shows four men in Plaid tuxedos. He signals SMUDGE to begin as the music starts FRANCIS place Tux in his bin) #6 Moments To Remember SMUDGE (Tentatively and modestly) We’d like to dedicate this next song to all of you Juniors and Seniors out there and to anyone who’s ever been to a prom. (‘DRIVE IN)

Forever Plaid (SMUDGE returns to his position FRANCIS nudges him to finish the line) For those of you who don’t have dates for this evening, please feel free to think of us all as your date.

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ALL OOOH-OOOH, OOOH-OOOOH OOOH-OOOH, OOOH-OOOOH

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JINX JANUARY TO DECEMBER, WE’LL HAVE MOMENTS TO REMEMBER

THE NEW YEAR’S EVE WE DID THE TOWN, THE DAY WE TORE THE GOAL POST DOWN, WE WILL HAVE THESE MOMENTS TO REMEMBER.

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THE QUIET WALKS, THE NOISY FUN. THE BALLROOM PRIZE WE ALMOST WON. WE WILL HAVE THESE MOMENTS TO REMEMBER.

(THEY unbutton their jackets to reveal their Plaid cummerbunds) THOUGH SUMMER TURNS TO WINTER, AND THE PRESENT DISAPPEARS, THE LAUGHTER WE WERE GLAD TO SHARE, WILL ECHO THROUGH THE YEARS. WHEN OTHER NIGHTS AND OTHER DAYS MAY FIND US GONE OUR SEPARATE WAYS, WE WILL HAVE THESE MOMENTS TO REMEMBER.

Forever Plaid FRANCIS (Spoken simply) The drive-in movie where we’d go.

And somehow we never watched the show.

JINX, SPARKY, SMUDGE OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH

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ALL WE WILL HAVE THESE MOMENTS TO REMEMBER SMUDGE (Spoken simply) To see you here, we’re deeply glad Deeply grateful and deeply plaid

JINX, FRANCIS, SPARKY,

OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH OOH

ALL WE STILL HAVE THESE MOMENTS TO REMEMBER.

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THOUGH SUMMER TURNS TO WINTER AND THE PRESENT DISAPPEARS, THE LAUGHTER WE WERE GLAD TO SHARE WILL ECHO THROUGH THE YEARS THROUGH THE YEARS. (With great conviction) WHEN OTHER NIGHTS AND OTHER DAYS MAY FIND US GONE OUR SEPARATE WAYS, WE WILL HAVE THESE MOMENTS TO REMEMBER. WE WILL HAVE THESE MOMENTS TO REMEMBER. (THEY salute and bow with the end MUSIC)

FRANCIS Hey you guys, the memories are coming back swifter and swifter...

Forever Plaid JINX They’re collecting on my brain like... like... lint, clogging on a dryer filter.

FRANCIS (Trying to cover for JINX’S line) We'd better hurry this along. #7 Crazy ’Bout Ya Baby (MUSIC underscore)

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SPARKY Yeah. It’s time for “Crazy ’Bout You”... It’s time for “Crazy ’Bout You”... I love this number. I just love it.

SMUDGE The choreography is too treacherous. Couldn’t we use the..?

(SMUDGE, SPARKY AND JINX EXIT with SPARKY. MUSIC stops)

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FRANCIS (To SMUDGE) I don’t know, I’ll ask.

(To AUDIENCE) Ladies and Gentlemen, there was this number that we were hoping to add to our repertoire that we never got to perform with real microphones, so with your permission, we'd feel a lot more comfortable if we could premiere it the way we rehearsed it.

(FRANCIS gets his plunger) SMUDGE JINX, SPARKY (Returns with long handled plungers) In the stockroom of my family’s plumbing supply company.

FRANCIS Using these plumbers helpers as microphones. Is that all right with you?

(HE taps the mike and looks up to Stage Manager’s booth.)

Is this thing on?

(Laughs at his own joke. No one else does) So, listen closely.

(NEW STAGING NOTES FOR CRAZY ‘BOUT YOU BABY)*

Forever Plaid ALL DO DA DOH, DO DA DOH DOH DOH, DOH DOH DOH BOP BOP BOP BOP (The plungers are ‘popped’ to accentuate the rhythm)

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CRAZY ’BOUT YA BABY WANT YA ALL TO MYSELF CRAZY ’BOUT YA BABY NO ONE ELSE ON THE SHELF. GIVE ME ALL YOUR LOVIN’ ALL THAT YOU CAN AFFORD. LET ME KEEP YOU ALWAYS NEAR, LET YOU BE ADORED.

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DOO-DL-UH DOO-DL-UH DOO-DL-UH DOO-DL-UH DOO-DL-UH DOO-DL-UH DOO-DL-UH DOO-DL-UH WAH!

CRAZY ’BOUT YA BABY CRAZY ’BOUT YA BABY CRAZY ’BOUT YA BABY WANT YOU ALL TO MYSELF

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CRAZY ’BOUT YA BABY CRAZY ’BOUT YA BABY CRAZY ’BOUT YA BABY WANT YOU ALL TO MYSELF FRANCIS NOW THE TIME HAS COME MY HONEY, WON’T YOU PLEASE BE MY WIFE? I WILL TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. I’M GONNA SPEND A LOT OF MONEY, HOUSE BUILT FOR TWO. A COTTAGE IN THE COUNTRY FOR JUST ME AND YOU.

JINX, SPARKY, SMUDGE DU DOOP DU DOOP DU DOOP DU DOOP DU DOOP DU DOOP DU DOOP DU DOOP DU DOOP DU DOOP DU DOOP DOO DOO DOO DOOP DOO DOO DOO DOOP

Forever Plaid ALL CRAZY ’BOUT YA BABY CRAZY ’BOUT YA BABY CRAZY ’BOUT YA BABY WANT YOU ALL TO MYSELF

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DO DA DOH DOH DOH DOH BOP BOP BOP BOP

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DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DA DOH

DOO-DL-UH DOO-DL-UH DOO-DL-UH DOO-DL-UH DOO-DL-UH DOO-DL-UH DOO-DL-UH DOO-DL-UH WAH! JINX, SPARKY, SMUDGE CRAZY ’BOUT YA BABY FRANCIS MAN I’M CRAZY ’BOUT YA

FRANCIS, SPARKY, SMUDGE CRAZY ’BOUT YA BABY

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JINX DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M GONNA DO JINX, FRANCIS, SPARKY CRAZY ’BOUT YA BABY SMUDGE I’M JUST BUBBLIN’ WITH JOY ALL CRAZY ’BOUT YA BABY WANT YOU ALL TO MYSELF. ALL CRAZY DO DOODLEE DOODLEE BOP BOP CRAZY CRAZY ’BOUT YA BABY, WANT YOU ALL TO MYSELF

Forever Plaid AFTER WE ARE MARRIED WE WILL RAISE A FAMILY ALL THE PLANS WE HAD BEFORE WILL FIT YOU TO A ‘T’ WE’LL BE LIVIN HUMBLE IN OUR OWN LITTLE WAY. JINX, SPARKY, SMUDGE DOO DOO DOO DOOT DOO DOO DOO DOOT

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ALL CRAZY ’BOUT YA BABY CRAZY ’BOUT YA BABY CRAZY ’BOUT YA BABY WANT YOU ALL TO MYSELF

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FRANCIS WE’RE TO BE SO FORTUNATE COULD THIS BE THE DAY?

DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO HUP!

CRAZY, YES I’M CRAZY CRAZY BABY, WANT YOU ALL TO MYSELF DOO DOODLUH DOODLUH DOODLUH HUP!

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(ALL get rid of Plungers separately)

JINX (Awkwardly tries to talk to the AUDIENCE for the first time) The sentiments of that song, while peppy, are true. We always wanted to be in L llov –– L llov.

(HE can’t say “love”) I always wanted to tell someone... I lov –– I lov...

FRANCIS But we let songwriters say it for us.

SPARKY (In a bad French accent à la Pepe le Pew”) I came close to love once.

Forever Plaid SMUDGE (Getting sad) There just wasn’t time. We were always so busy, with work and rehearsing and stuff.

JINX And Sparky with speech therapy after school.

(SPARKY is mortified and slowly turns around)

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FRANCIS (Jumping up to save the day) We all met in high school when we joined the Audio-Visual Club.

JINX

The Projector Sector.

SMUDGE After high school we all enrolled in the same institute of higher learning...

SPARKY The Osterizer* School of Harmonic Theory.

#8 The Osterizer School of Harmonic Theory. (Underscore)

(SPARKY conducts them all as he mimes pushing buttons on a blender. Each button gets wilder) “Blend”

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SPARKY ALL

OOOOOOO SPARKY “Puree” ALL OOOWAH SPARKY “Mix” ALL OOOHWAH AAH AAH AAH

Forever Plaid SPARKY “Chop” ALL OOH WA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA (THEY crack themselves up, then FRANCIS gets them to gather their composure)

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(The PLAIDS sigh in loving agreement)

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FRANCIS Hey guys, how ’bout we sing a real love song?

SPARKY

How ’bout this one? #9 No Not Much

(SPARKY points to the piano player and the piano player plays one note) JINX

(Quietly) I love that song!

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(THEY each get a stool and place them strategically in a Diamond shape 8 feet apart) SMUDGE

(Quietly) It’s my favorite!

JINX (Starts singing alone) I DON’T WANT...

(Realizing his mistake, HE stops) Sorry.

ALL I DON’T WANT MY ARMS AROUND YOU, NO NOT MUCH. I DON’T BLESS THE DAY I FOUND YOU, NO NOT MUCH. I DON’T NEED YOU LIKE THE STARS

Forever Plaid DON’T NEED THE SKY. I WON’T LOVE YOU LONGER THAN THE DAY I DIE. YOU DON’T PLEASE ME WHEN YOU SQUEEZE ME, NO NOT MUCH.

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ALL BABY IF YOU EVER GO, COULD I TAKE IT? MAYBE SO AH, BUT WOULD I LIKE IT, NO NOT MUCH.

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JINX MY HEAD’S THE LIGHTEST FROM YOUR VERY SLIGHTEST TOUCH.

AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH HA HA AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH AH HA HA

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LIKE A TEN CENT SODA DOESN’T COST A DIME, I DON’T WANT YOU NEAR ME, ONLY ALL THE TIME.

YOU DON’T THRILL ME WHEN YOU HOLD ME, NO NOT MUCH. JINX MY BRAIN GETS HAZY FROM YOUR COOL AND CRAZY TOUCH. ALL BABY, IF YOU EVER GO, COULD I TAKE IT? MAYBE SO. AH, BUT WOULD I LIKE IT? NO NOT MUCH NO NOT MUCH SMUDGE NO NOT MUCH

Forever Plaid (Just at the height of the applause, JINX’S nose starts to bleed and FRANCIS starts to wheeze so he needs his inhaler) SPARKY Cripes! He’s got a nose bleed again. He’s got a nose bleed again.

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FRANCIS Tilt your head back. Pinch your bridge. Pinch your bridge.

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SMUDGE I didn’t think we could still bleed!

SPARKY (Getting a Grabber and passing some cotton to JINX) Here’s some cotton, Jinx. Here’s some cotton. He always did this just before my solo. Always.

SMUDGE C’mon. We’ve got to keep the momentum going or we’ll be stuck here. I knew this would happen. I just knew it. I should have left when I had a chance. I need my Milk of Magnesia.

(SMUDGE crosses STAGE LEFT. HE takes out blue bottle and gulps the fluid) JINX

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(Recovering) Uh... I’m O.K. Just give me a second.

FRANCIS (Taking a pull on the inhaler) Take it easy on the A flats.

(FRANCIS crosses DOWNSTAGE and addresses the AUDIENCE. SPARKY begins to write on his hand at the piano) Ladies and Gentlemen, you’ll have to excuse Jinx. He has a contusiated cartiledge. We’ll get back to the show in a moment with...

SPARKY (In a loud whisper) “Perfidia”.

FRANCIS “Perfidia”. Meanwhile...

Forever Plaid (To SMUDGE) uh... Smudge, cover for us.

SMUDGE (Caught with ‘white stuff’ around his mouth) I can’t. I was never good at patter.

FRANCIS Please. We can’t stop the show. Time’s moving on.

SMUDGE

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Why me?

FRANCIS Because I can’t breathe, Jinx needs time to congeal, and Sparky’s writing the words to “Perfidia” on his hand.

(SPARKY, embarassed, is seen writing and turns away) SMUDGE

What’ll I say?

FRANCIS (HE indicates that SMUDGE has white milk of magnesia on his upper lip. SMUDGE, embarrassed wipes it off himself) You just have to talk to them. Tell them about –– stuff.

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SMUDGE (A spot hits SMUDGE. He stands there uncomfortably holding the suitcase) Uh... While Jinx is clotting, I’ll forge ahead. You know that saying “You can’t take it with you?” Well you can, you’re allowed one suitcase. So we took our props and the bass charts, and I snuck in my record collection.

(HE takes out a record rack with period 45 rpm records in it. He has a cloth and cleans a record during his speech) You see, when I was a little kid, my parents opened a diner with the insurance money that they got from this accident they had. They had to give the sitter Wednesdays off for beauty school, so I’d hang around and wait for the jukebox lady to come to take out all the old records that no one was playing anymore.

She’d give them to me. That’s where we got “Perfidia”. Well, I just loved these little guys. I’d sit there for hours just lookin’ at the labels, readin’ ’em, watchin’ ’em drop down on the record changer and listenin’ to ’em. I’d mouth the words-(Puts the opening of the 45 record to his lips and sings to the tune of “SH BOOM.”) HEY NONNY DING DONG, A LANG A LANG A LANG

Forever Plaid

#10 Perfidia

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(Record gets stuck over his lips, and must be forced off) and I’d make sock puppets and pretend they were the Ames Brothers, or The Four Aces. Well, then I graduated to LP’s. What a feeling, getting a new record, slipping your thumbnail in the album jacket and breaking the cellophane. We, the guys and I, always dreamed of making an album. We even made these neat record covers ourselves –– excuse me...

(HE takes out his homemade album covers, “show ’n tells” them to the AUDIENCE) THE PLAIDS IN A BLUE MOOD, THE PLAIDS SWING DOWN BROADWAY and THE CHRISTMAS ALBUM-PLAID TIDING. Although we never had any albums to sell during one of our shows, we would sell the empty record covers, and keep dreaming of the day when we could stuff them.

It was a good dream.

(The piano vamp for PERFIDIA starts and snaps him back to the show) Has Jinx coagulated?

SPARKY Yeah. Yeah. C’mon. It’s time for “Perfidia”. It’s time for “Perfidia”.

(SPARKY practices his moves. FRANKIE signals to SMUDGE to talk)

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(NEW STAGING NOTES FOR ‘PERFIDIA’)

SMUDGE In his final interview, Enrico Caruso said that he would concentrate on his tortured romances when he sang, and that made the sounds emenate from deeper within his bowels.

(SPARKY explodes with laughter at the sound of “bowels” and then supresses it) Or was it Eddie Fisher?

FRANCIS (Pushing SMUDGE back) We never had much experience with tortured romances, so to give our lyrics focus when we’d sing, we would concentrate on our Spanish teacher.

Forever Plaid SPARKY (Makes a rude gesture at the size and buoyancy of the senorita's breasts) Senorita Pafuentes.

JINX (With cotton in a nostril) She was the third runner-up in the Miss Rheingold Extra Dry contest.

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SMUDGE We didn’t know her first name. So, we pretended it was Perfidia, ’cause we all knew this song called “Perfidia”.

(SMUDGE, FRANCIS and JINX get into their back-up position) JINX Wait! I don’t remember the moves.

FRANCIS (Illustrating) You just bounce a lot... and you do this...

SPARKY Don’t worry if you screw up. Don’t worry. Just remember, we’re the Proud, the Pure, the Plaid.

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(THEY lift Plaid pocket swatches from the breast pockets of their dinner jackets) SPARKY

(Counting off) A - one, two, three...

ALL TO YOU MY HEART CRIES OUT PERFIDIA, FOR I FOUND YOU THE LOVE OF MY LIFE SPARKY IN SOMEBODY ELSE’S ARMS. JINX, FRANCIS, SMUDGE DOOT DUH DOO DOOT DOOT DUH DOO DOOT

Forever Plaid ALL YOUR EYES ARE ECHOING PERFIDIA, JINX, FRANCIS, SMUDGE IDIA IDIA IDIA IDIA ALL FORGETFUL OF OUR PROMISE OF LOVE

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JINX, FRANCIS, SMUDGE DOOT DU DOO DOOT DOOT DUH DOO DOO DOO

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SPARKY YOU’RE SHARING ANOTHER’S CHARMS

SPARKY WITH A SAD LAMENT MY DREAMS HAVE FADED LIKE A BROKEN MELODY,

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WHILE THE GODS OF LOVE LOOK DOWN AND LAUGH AT WHAT ROMANTIC FOOLS WE MORTALS BE

JINX, FRANCIS, SMUDGE DOOT DUH DOO DOO DOOT DOOT DUH DOO DOO DOOT DOOT DUH DOO DOO DOOT DOOT DUH DOO DOO DOOT DOOT DUH DOO DOO DOOT DOOT DUH DOO DOO DOOT

JINX, FRANCIS, SMUDGE DOOT DUH DOO DOO DOO DUH DOBE DE DOBE DE DOO ALL AND NOW I KNOW MY LOVE IS NOT FOR YOU. AND SO I’LL TAKE IT BACK WITH A SIGH SPARKY PERFIDIOUS ONE--GOODBYE. JINX, FRANCIS, SMUDGE (Continuing and repeating under SPARKY’S speech) DOOT, DO, BYE-OH

Forever Plaid SPARKY (Stepping forward) And now, we’d like to pay tribute to our Mexican-speaking neighbors south of the border. So with no further “adobe”...

(Getting carried away) I’ve always wanted to say that ever since I heard it on the The Milton Berle show.

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SPARKY O.K. O.K. Uno, dos, tres...

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FRANCIS Just finish the song, we can’t keep bouncing like this.

ALL (In really bad Spanish. Occasionally SPARKY reads words from his hand) ALL

MU HARE SI PUEDES TU CON DIOS HABLAR PREGOONTA LOR SI YOL SU NA VEZ

SPARKY TAY DEJA DOE DAY DOE RAR

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JINX, FRANCIS, SMUDGE DOOT DO DO DOOT. DOOT DO DO DOOT. ALL YELL MAR ESPEHO DAY ME CORDAH ZONE JINX, FRANCIS, SMUDGE ORDAZONE ORDAZONE ORDAZONE ORDAZONE

ALL LAS VEGAS KAY MO VIS-TO YO MAR SPARKY LA PERFIDIA DAY TU A MOR

Forever Plaid JINX, FRANCIS, SMUDGE DOOT DOO DOOT DOOT DOO DOO DOO DOO SPARKY TAY BUSCADO DON DE KWI RAKAY YOU VOY

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EE NO TAY PUE DO LAR

JINX, FRANCIS, SMUDGE ROOT DOO DOO DOO DOOT ROOT DOO DOO DOO DOOT ROOT DOO DOO DOO DOOT ROOT DOO DOO DOO DOOT ROOT DOO DOO DOO DOOT ROOT DOO DOO DOO DOOT

PARRA KAY KEERRO DOS PESOS MEES TOOS LABION NO ME KEEREN LA BAY-SAR

ALL DO DOBEDE DOBEDE DO

AND NOW I KNOW MY LOVE IS NOT FOR YOU. AND SO I’LL TAKE IT BACK WITH A SIGH

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SPARKY KAY LAY HOZE ESTAS

ALL DAY AY AY AY AY MI TA-TA CHOW-OW OR-VWAR SO LONG FAREWELL PERFIDIOUS ONE GOODBYE (The Plaids begin to set up for the next number) SMUDGE Hey guys. You know what PERFIDIA actually means?

ALL Nuh uh.

Forever Plaid SMUDGE It means treachery, betrayal in love.

SPARKY Hmm. No kiddin’.

(Pause. THEY continue to set up, except for JINX, who stares vacantly)

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(Whispering) C’mon Jinx. It’s time for your feature.

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SPARKY

JINX

(Nervously) I don’t know. It’s been too long. I don’t remember.

FRANCIS (Rushing to comfort JINX) You’ll be fine. Just use the lead-in to cushion yourself into the mood of the song.

JINX

What lead-in?

O.K.

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FRANCIS (Whispers) So much music is devoted...

(Continues whispering - so the AUDIENCE won’t hear) JINX

(FRANCIS takes the mike stand away fromJINX, gesturing to the CENTER STAGE mic. JINX crosses slowly to the mic. FRANCIS meets him, and gestures to his nose. JINX turns around, and takes cotton from his nose puts it in his pocket. JINX then attempts to turn around but is stopped by THE GUYS who quietly signal that some cotton remains in his nose. JINX remains with his back to the AUDIENCE. After several attempts, the cotton is removed. JINX, terrified, turns front. Timidly, he steps up to the mike) JINX So much music is devoted to lost amore, lost hope, and new beginnings.

Forever Plaid #11 Cry ALL OOH WAH, OOH WAH, OOH WAH

OOH –– OOH –– OOH –– OOH –– AH –– OOH ––

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FRANCIS, SPARKY, SMUDGE

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JINX (Like a lullaby) IF YOUR SWEETHEART SENDS A LETTER OF GOODBYE IT'S NO SECRET YOU’LL FEEL BETTER IF YOU CRY

JINX WHEN WAKING FROM A BAD DREAM DON’T YOU SOMETIMES THINK IT’S REAL JINX

FRANCIS, SPARKY, SMUDGE OOH –– AH –– OOH –– WOT!

IF YOUR HEARTACHE SEEMS TO HANG AROUND TOO LONG AND YOUR BLUES KEEP GETTIN BLUER WITH EACH SONG

OOH –– OOH –– OOH –– OOH –– AH –– OOH ––

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BUT IT’S ONLY FALSE EMOTION THAT YOU FEEL

JINX REMEMBER SUNSHINE CAN BE FOUND BEHIND A CLOUDY SKY SO LET YOUR JINX HAIR DOWN AND AND GO ON AND CRY

FRANCIS, SPARKY, SMUDGE AH –– GO ON CRY

Forever Plaid IF YOUR HEARTACHE SEEMS TO HANG AROUND TOO LONG

AH ––

AND YOUR BLUES KEEP GETTING BLUER WITH EACH SONG

OOH –– AH –– OOH ––

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JINX REMEMBER SUNSHINE CAN BE FOUND BEHIND A CLOUDY SKY

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OOH ––

JINX SO LET YOUR HAIR DOWN AND GO ON AND

FRANCIS, SPARKY, SMUDGE AH –– ON AND

JINX

CRY

FRANCIS, SPARKY, SMUDGE GO ON AND CRY

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(JINX finishes with a big, dramatic star pose that has his head bent over. Dazed, JINX comes up to realize that he got through the song. Then he thinks he might have a nose bleed. JINX checks his nose for any sign of bleeding. He holds his hands up acknowledging to The Plaids and the audience that he is OK) SMUDGE We work hard to sing about men who love. But we also love to sing about men who work... hard. #12 Sixteen Tons/Chain Gang (For “Chain Gang” SMUDGE has a ketchup bottle and spoon, preset STAGE RIGHT and places them by his stool. JINX and FRANCIS and piano player snap their fingers, and SPARKY takes out melodia wipes it clean and plays the melodia. When not playing, SPARKY snaps as well. We hear the familiar intro to “16 Tons”) SMUDGE SOME PEOPLE SAY A MAN IS

Forever Plaid

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YOU LOAD SIXTEEN TONS AND WHAT DO YA GET? ANOTHER DAY OLDER AND DEEPER IN DEBT SAINT PETER DON’TCHA CALL ME ’CAUSE I CAN’T GO I OWE MY SOUL TO THE COMPANY STORE.

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MADE OUT OF MUD. A POOR MAN’S MADE OUT OF MUSCLE AND BLOOD. MUSCLE AND BLOOD AND SKIN AND BONES, A MIND THAT’S WEAK AND A BACK THAT’S STRONG.

I WAS BORN ONE MORNING WHEN THE SUN DIDN’T SHINE. I PICKED UP MY SHOVEL AND I WALKED TO THE MINE. I LOADED SIXTEEN TONS OF NUMBER NINE COAL AND THE STRAW BOSS SAID “WELL BLESS MY SOUL.”

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YOU LOAD SIXTEEN TONS AND WHAT DO YOU GET? ANOTHER DAY OLDER AND DEEPER IN DEBT. SAINT PETER DON’TCHA CALL ME ’CAUSE I CAN’T GO, I OWE MY SOUL TO THE COMPANY STORE.

(SMUDGE takes out spoon, picks up ketchup bottle and clanks the spoon to the bottle - noted by * - very seriously and precisely, in time with the music) ALL *OOH *AH *OOH *AH FRANCIS (Wailing) I CAN HEAR ’EM SAYIN’

Forever Plaid ALL *OOH *AH *OOH *AH

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ALL THAT’S THE SOUND OF THE MEN WORKING ON THE CHAIN GANG THAT’S THE SOUND OF THE MEN WORKING ON THE CHAIN GANG

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SMUDGE WELL DON’T YA KNOW

FRANCIS ALL DAY LONG, THEY WORK SO HARD ’TIL THE SUN IS GOIN’ DOWN WORKIN’ ON THE HIGHWAYS AND BYWAYS AND WEARING A FROWN YOU HEAR THEM MOANIN’ THEIR LIVES AWAY ’TIL YOU HEAR SOMEBODY SAY

JINX, SPARKY, SMUDGE OOH –– OOH –– OOH –– OOH –– OOH –– OOH ––

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SMUDGE WELL DON’TCHA KNOW

ALL THAT’S THE SOUND OF THE MEN WORKIN’ ON THE CHAIN GANG THAT’S THE SOUND OF THE MEN WORKIN’ ON THE CHAIN GANG FRANCIS I CAN HEAR ’EM SAYIN MY MY MY MY WORK IS SO HARD GIVE ME WATER, I'M SO THIRSTY MY WORK IS SO HARD

JINX, SPARKY, SMUDGE *OOH *AH *OOH *AH *OOH *AH *OOH *AH

Forever Plaid (FRANCIS joins the gourp)

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YA LOAD SIXTEEN TONS AND WHAT DO YA GET? ANOTHER DAY OLDER AND DEEPER IN DEBT. SAINT PETER DON’TCHA CALL ME ’CAUSE I CAN’T GO I OWE MY SOUL TO THE COMPANY STORE

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SMUDGE IF YOU SEE ME COMIN’, BETTER STEP ASIDE. A LOT OF MEN DIDN’T, A LOT OF MEN DIED. I GOT ONE FIST OF IRON, THE OTHER OF STEEL, IF THE RIGHT ONE DON’T GET YA, THEN THE LEFT ONE WILL.

(SMUDGE does one final hit on the bottle on the final beat and THEY all go “UHN”) FRANCIS No matter what our work was by day...

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SMUDGE I was in bathroom fixtures.

FRANCIS

Dental supplies.

JINX Auto parts.

SPARKY Better dresses.

FRANCIS At nights and on weekends, we became Forever Plaid; (Takes out business card) Our business card. “We’ll serenade your every affair.”

SMUDGE If we could stay longer, we’d love to work your private functions.

Forever Plaid #12 A The Catering Drill/ She Love You SPARKY Weddings...

ALL THE BRIDE CUTS THE CAKE THE BRIDE CUTS THE CAKE SPARKY

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ALL LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

SPARKY

Anniversaries...

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Italian weddings...

ALL OH, HOW WE DANCED ON THE NIGHT WE WERE WED SPARKY

Christmas Parties...

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ALL OH ITTY BITTY TOWN OF BETHLEHEM SPARKY

Bar Mitzvahs...

ALL HAVA NAGELAH, HAVA NAGELAH, HAVA NAGELAH, HAVA...

(THEY fudge the words) SPARKY Southern Baptists Revivals...

ALL ROCK-A MY SOUL IN THE BOSOM OF ABRAHAM

Forever Plaid OH, ROCK-A MY SOUL SPARKY And for the younger generation, we kept up with the sound of a new America.

The Plaids sing The Beatles.

FRANCIS, JINX

SPARKY,

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SMUDGE

YOU THINK YOU LOST YOUR LOVE

BOOM DEEAHDA DEEAHDEEAHDA BOOM DEEAHDA DEEAHDEEAHDA

WELL I SAW HER YESTERDAY DEEAHDEEAHDA IT’S YOU SHE'S THINKING OF

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ALL SHE LOVES YOU, YES SIRREE SHE LOVES YOU, YES SIRREE SHE LOVES YOU, YES SIRREE BOB!

BOOM DEEAHDA DEEAHDEEAHDA BOOM DEEAHDA DEEAHDEEAHDA

AND SHE TOLD ME WHAT TO SAY DEEAHDEEAHDA

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ALL SHE LOVES YOU. WOW! AND YOU KNOW THAT YOU CAN’T BE BAD. YES, SIRREE SHE LOVES YOU, AND YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD BE BOOM DEE ADDA, BOOM DEE ADDA HAP HAP HAPPY. SHE LOVES YOU, YES SIRREE SHE LOVES YOU, YES SIRREE SHE LOVES YOU, YES SIRREE BOB. ALL HUP!

FRANCIS Although most of our shows were of a more intimate nature, we did manage to appear in the public eye on more than one occasion.

Forever Plaid JINX (Taking two clippings from his pocket) The Wilkes-Barre Chronicle, April 19th, 1959. “Bobby Darin sells out at the Crystal Room of the Sheraton. Don’t worry, there are plenty of seats across the street at the Swinglane Alleys, where the Ladies Championship Bowling League will be crooned to by local singing group, Forever Plaid. This group’s sound is to contemporary music as formica is to marble.”

FRANCIS We decided to take that as a compliment.

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JINX The Shamokin News Dispatch, May 12th, 1961. “Auto failure leaves star of Kraft Music Hall, Perry Como, stranded in town.”

(NEW STAGING NOTES FOR THE ENTIRE COMO MEDLEY) #14 The Golden Cardigan

(With piano trills, JINX and FRANCIS hang colanders on the front side of the portals) JINX DREAM ALONG WITH ME, I’M ON MY WAY TO A STAR.

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(JINX and FRANCIS pull on light ‘zip’ cords on the collanders and they light up. Under the following speech, the songs are performed ever so discreetly and quietly) SPARKY

This is the story...

SMUDGE BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM BUM ETC. (Continues under SPARKY’S speech) SPARKY (Relishes each word as if specially chosen) This is the story...

(SPARKY realizes he’s out of the light. HE subtly pushes the stool and himself into the light) This is the story of the Golden Cardigan. One dusty day, Jinx was off getting his nose cauterized, so I was filling in for him at Smiley’s Texaco Station. There I was, restacking the re-treads, when through the blazing horizon Perry Como’s

Forever Plaid Cadillac Fleetwood Limo came a-sputtering into the station. I was numb with excitement. He was sitting right there in the front seat instead of in the back, behind the partition. That’s the kind of guy he was. I mean is. Well I calmed down long enough to check out the car. I was just getting ready to dig down into that big ole engine, when I realized that I didn’t know what I was doing. But I also realized that this could be a moment of destiny, of fate, in other words, a magic moment.

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HOT DIGITY DOG ZIGITY HOT DIGITY DOG ZIGITY

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JINX, FRANCIS, SMUDGE (Whistle verse of “MAGIC MOMENTS” - then THEY sing) MAGIC MOMENTS MEMORIES WE’VE BEEN SHARING...

(SMUDGE, FRANCIS, JINX continue to sing during SPARKY’S following speech) SPARKY We, The Plaids, were playing a smart cocktail party at the El Rancho Dandy.

(Simultaneously with the word “Dandy”, FRANCIS and JINX begin singing “Temptation” as SMUDGE continues “Hot Diggity”)

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So, I ripped out the carburetor and I told the chauffeur that it would take six hours to get another one in from Scranton. Mr. Como took it in stride. What a guy! I suggested that he and the chauffeur come to the ‘Dandy’, and partake in the sumptuous buffet and catch the show. Later that night, there he was - Perry Como, ringside, watching us sing! The show was great!!

SMUDGE HOT DIGITY DOG ZIGITY BOOM! WHAT YOU DO TO ME HOT DIGITY DOG ZIGITY BOOM! WHAT YOU DO TO ME HOT DIGITY DOG ZIGITY HOT DIGITY DOG ZIGITY HOT DIGITY DOG ZIGITY BOOM! WHEN YOU’RE HOLDING ME TIGHT

FRANCIS, JINX YOU CAME, I WAS ALONE I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU WERE TEMPTATION

Forever Plaid (Light change suggesting they are back doing the show)

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ALL (THEY mambo) UH! PAPA LOVES MAMBO. MAMA LOVES MAMBO. MAMA DOES GREAT WITH IT, SWINGS LIKE A GATE WITH IT. SHE LOSES WEIGHT WITH IT NOW. HE GOES LEFT, SHE GOES RIGHT.

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(SMUDGE does the reverse and is corrected by FRANCIS and SPARKY) PAPA’S LOOKING FOR MAMA BUT MAMA IS NOWHERE IN SIGHT!

(As JINX, FRANCIS & SMUDGE continue to sing, SPARKY does his speech) JINX, FRANCIS, SMUDGE PAPA LOVES MAMBO, MAMBO MAMA LOVES MAMBO, MAMBO DON’T DO THE SAMBA ’CAUSE PAPA...

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SPARKY (Still Mamboing) Then in the middle of “Mambo” this tidal wave of guilt overtook me. I could continue the charade no longer. I stopped the number –– (SPARKY makes a grand ‘cut off’ gesture and THEY all stop) SPARKY (Very seriously –– bottom lip a'quiver) “Mr. Como,” I said, “Here’s your carburator sir. I’m sorry for having deceived you. But, before you call the police, I just want you to know that I only did it because we’ve gotten so much out of listening to you, that we wanted to say thank you the only way we knew how, with our music. #15 Catch A Falling Star I handed him the carburator, and he gave us his Golden Cardigan.

Forever Plaid

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ALL SING TO ME, MR. C, SING TO ME THE SONGS THAT I’VE BEEN WAITING TO HEAR. JUST FOR ME, MR. C, JUST FOR ME, AND EVERYBODY ELSE WILL DISAPPEAR.

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(SPARKY goes to the side of the stage and reveals a red velvet Pillow with a folded Golden Cardigan on it. The Cardiagan has the initals PC on it. But we don’t see the initials till the end of the number. Ceremoniously he walks back to his stool carefully holding the sweater.)

(SPARKY takes the sweater, holding it throughout the song.

SMUDGE takes out two spoons. He lightly taps them together for each chorus in time to the music as if the spoons were a triangle) SPARKY Mr. C, this song has your name on it.

JINX, FRANKIE, SMUDGE SING TO ME, MR. C SING TO ME, MR. C

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SPARKY CATCH A FALLING STAR AND PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET NEVER LET IT FADE AWAY CATCH A FALLING STAR AND PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET SAVE IT FOR A RAINY DAY ALL FOR LOVE MAY COME AND TAP YOU ON THE SHOULDER SOME STARLESS NIGHT AND JUST IN CASE YOU FEEL YOU WANT TO HOLD HER SPARKY YOU’LL HAVE A

Forever Plaid POCKET FULL OF STARLIGHT

CATCH A FALLING STAR AND PUT IN YOUR POCKET NEVER LET IT FADE AWAY AND PUT IN YOUR POCKET SAVE IT FOR A RAINY DAY OOH –– OOH –– WEE, OH, NO DEE DOBOH BEE DO DEE OOH –– OOH –– HOW?

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FOR WHEN YOUR TROUBLES START IN MULTIPLYIN’ AND THEY JUST MIGHT

JINX, FRANCIS, SMUDGE

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SPARKY CATCH A FALLING STAR AND PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET NEVER LET IT FADE AWAY CATCH A FALLING STAR AND PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET SAVE IT FOR A RAINY DAY

IT’S EASY TO FORGET THEM WITHOUT TRYIN’

SPARKY WITH JUST A POCKET FULL OF STARLIGHT JINX, FRANCIS, SMUDGE POCKET FULL OF STARLIGHT SPARKY AH-HA-HA-HA-HA -HA

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CATCH A FALLING STAR AND PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET NEVER LET IT FADE AWAY CATCH A FALLING STAR AND PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET SAVE IT FOR A RAINY DAY

JINX, FRANCIS, SMUDGE AH –– CATCH A FALLING STAR AND PUT IN YOUR POCKET NEVER LET IT FADE AWAY CATCH A FALLING STAR AND PUT IT IN YOUR POCKET

ALL SAVE IT FOR A RAINY DAY SPARKY SAVE IT FOR A RAINY DAY JINX, FRANCIS, SMUDGE BUM BUM BA BUM BUM BUM BA BUM BUM BUM BA BUM BUM.

Forever Plaid (At the end of the number. SPARKY places cardigan over back of stool and we see the ‘PC’ monogram for the first time. LIGHTS bump down, leaving only a spot on the sweater.

(NEW STAGING FOR CARIBBEAN PLAID)* #16 Caribbean Plaid

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The music segues into the arrangement for “Kingsotn Market”. The cast each get a hat and their their props.

SPARKY gets marraccas, JINX claves. SMUDGE gets bongos, The flora on either side of the stage rises to full height. They are huge coconut plams with coconuts. Midway through the medley, JINX and SPARKY take out two strings of lights attached to TWO SEPARATE bamboo poles. Each POLE has bunches of plastic bananas on them that light up. These light up during “Jamaica Farewell”. THE CHARACTERS who go out into the Aisles put on face sheilds. are brought into the aisle. They are set in stantions that have been preset in the theatre. At the same time, colored Christmas tree lights are lit all around the theatre. The recital plants on either side of the stage begin to rise. They become very tall palm trees with coconuts) FRANCIS

The Plaids go Calypso.

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(The Plaids and the bass and piano player pretend to fall asleep.

Lights fill the stage) FRANCIS (Trying to rouse JINX) Jinx! Jinx!

(JINX awakens) JINX DAY ME SAY DAY ME SAY DAY ME SAY DAYO DAYLIGHT COME AND ME WANT TO GO HOME

Forever Plaid FRANCIS, SPARKY, SMUDGE SIX FOOT, SEVEN FOOT, EIGHT FOOT BUNCH

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ALL COME WE GO DOWN COME WE GO DOWN

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JINX (Very pretty - beautifully) HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A RAINBOW? OR A GARDEN BLOOMING BRIGHT? HEARD THE ECHO OF A THOUSAND FEET. DRUMS FROM MORNING TILL NIGHT

(SPARKY starts to make shadow puppets move against the DOWNSTAGE portal wall) COME WE GO DOWN TO KINGSTON MARKET COME WE GO DOWN COME WE GO DOWN DOWN TO KINGSTON MARKET

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JINX GET YOUR TAMARIND AND SALSA MANGOES AND CASABAS GRAPEFRUIT, OKRA AND PIGEON PEAS CURRY GOAT AND GUAVAS

(SPARKY AND FRANKIE take banana poles out into THEATRE SMUDGE, SPARKY DOWN THE WAY WHERE THE NIGHTS ARE GAY AND THE SUN SHINES DAILY ON THE MOUNTAINTOPS, I TOOK A TRIP ON A SAILING SHIP AND WHEN I REACHED JAMAICA, I MADE A STOP. BUT I’M SAD TO SAY, I’M ON MY WAY, WON’T BE BACK

Forever Plaid FOR MANY A DAY. MY HEART IS DOWN, MY HEAD IS TURNING AROUND I HAD TO LEAVE A LITTLE GIRL IN KINGSTON TOWN. FRANCIS All right now. It’s your turn to sing along with The Plaids. First we sing, then you sing. Get it?

JINX, SPARKY, SMUDGE

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Got it!

FRANCIS

Very good now.

ALL

MATHILDA

FRANCIS

Just The Plaids now.

ALL

MATHILDA.

JINX

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Remember this part.

ALL

MATHILDA SHE TAKE ME MONEY AND RUN VENEZUELA (Encouraging the AUDIENCE) EVERYBODY!!!

MATHILDA, MATHILDA SHE TAKE ME MONEY AND RUN VENEZUELA.

Forever Plaid

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FRANCIS FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS, FRIENDS, I LOST HAD TO SELL MY CALF AND HORSE DON’T YOU KNOW THAT MATHILDA SHE TAKE ME MONEY AND RUN VENEZUELA EVERYBODY! ALL

MATHILDA

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(SPARKY, JINX AND SMUDGE GO TO EDGE OF STAGE. THEY CHECK THEIR SOCIAL DISTANCE. THEY WORK THE ROOM GETTING PEOPLE TO FEEL COMFORTABLE AND PARTICIPATING. A HIGH SCHOOL AV SCREEN IS BROUGHT ON AND ON IT ARE THE LYRICS TO MATILDA. ABOVE THE THE LYRICS ARE PHOTO-SHOPPED THE SOMBREROED HEADS OF THE PLAIDS AND THE VIDEO HAS THE LYRICS AND THE AUDIENCE FOLLOWS THE BOUNCING PLAIDS)

SMUDGE SING IT VERY PRETTY

FRANCIS

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MATHILDA

JINX AND SPARKY NOT SO ITTY BITTY ALL MATHILDA SHE TAKE ME MONEY AND RUN VENEZUELA FRANCIS WELL THE MONEY WAS TO BUY ME A HOUSE AND LAND. THEN SHE GOT A VERY SERIOUS PLAN. DON’T YOU KNOW THAT MATHILDA

Forever Plaid SHE TAKE ME MONEY AND RUN VENEZUELA. ONCE AGAIN NOW! ALL MATHILDA FRANCIS SHE HURT ME VERY BADLY ALL

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MATHILDA JINX, SPARKY, SMUDGE HE LOVED HER VERY PLAIDLY ALL

MATHILDA SHE TAKE ME MONEY AND RUN VENEZUELA

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FRANCIS WELL, MY FRIENDS, I’M NEVER TO LOVE AGAIN. ALL ME MONEY GONE IN VAIN. DON’T YOU KNOW THAT MATHILDA SHE TAKE ME MONEY AND RUN VENEZUELA. Just the ladies

ALL (Falsetto) MATHILDA (Normal voice) MATHILDA FRANCIS Women over forty (The Plaids should be silent and listen to who is over forty) MATHILDA SHE TAKE ME MONEY

Forever Plaid AND RUN VENEZUELA FRANCIS

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ALL (Overly manly) MATHILDA OOB A LOCKA CHUNGA MATHILDA OOB A LOCKA CHUNGA MATHILDA SHE TAKE ME MONEY AND RUN VENEZUELA

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Just the men now.

FRANCIS

Just a whisper.

ALL

MATHILDA MATHILDA

SPARKY That’s just a little loud, Senorita.

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ALL MATHILDA SHE TAKE ME MONEY AND RUN VENEZUELA

FRANCIS

Now just think about it.

(The Plaids do think through the verse) EVERYBODY!

(The two Plaids who brought out the poles them and bring them on stage for a final stage picture on the button of the number.)

MATHILDA FRANCIS People sing along now.

Forever Plaid ALL MATHILDA FRANCIS Help me with the song now ALL

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FRANCIS Just the last part

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MATHILDA SHE TAKE ME MONEY AND RUN VENEZUELA

ALL

RUN VENEZUELA

FRANCIS

The very, very last part

ALL

RUN VENEZUELA

FRANCIS

Here’s your last chance

ALL

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RUN VENEZUELA!!

DAYO!!

(SPARKY and JINX strike the banana poles OFF STAGE. The pianist stands up abruptly. He puts on his mask. He looks at the AUDIENCE and walks OFFSTAGE. The cast is perplexed. THEY run to wings curtain and look toward his EXIT) FRANCIS (Crossing DOWNSTAGE) Ladies and Gentlemen, you’ll have to excuse (Name of pianist). He has his to get another test.

Forever Plaid #17 Heart and Soul

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NOTE: There a few potential variations on this number’s audience participation.

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(The guys urge a resistant SPARKY over to the piano.

SPARKY Sprays the piano with Disinfectant. He takes out the massive wad of sheet music. He opens it up. It unfolds down to the floor. He sits on the piano bench and plays a grand arpegio and falls off the edge of the bensh. He gets up. He opens the piano bench and takes out seat belts. He buckles himself in and begins to play the Grieg Piano Concerto. This segues into the familiar vamp of HEART AND SOUL)

1. GIANT PIANO MAT KEYBOARD- like in the movie of BIG. One one of the actors bring out a floor mat keyboard. And when it’s time for the Audience member to Play the “Top Part” they can dance it.

The actors can put on face shield when the Volunteer participates. It would be advised to have the volunteer stand in the aisle or on a section of the stage that is far enough away from the cast.

2. VOCAL HEART AND SOUL – SPARKY doesn’t play the piano and the cast just sing‘bumbas’ Then they get the audience to sing ‘bumba’s in the sing- long. I will change the dialogue to reflect this.

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3. The cast puts on gloves (which will stay on through Ed Sullivan) A small toy piano, key board or xylephone will be brought out . It will be wrapped in plastic. They will pass it to the volunteer and said volunteer will play it at their seat or in the aisle.

4. Please share Any ideas that are safe and creative.

SPARKY JINX, FRANCIS, SMUDGE (Alternating with the others) (Alternating with Smudge) BUMBA BUMBA BUMBA BUMBA BUMBA BUMBA BUMBA BUMBA (THEY repeat BUMBA’S as needed) FRANCIS (Into the AUDIENCE) HEART AND SOUL

Forever Plaid JINX, SPARKY, SMUDGE OO-WEE-OO FRANCIS I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU LOST CONTROL

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FRANCIS JUST LIKE A FOOL WOULD DO

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JINX, SPARKY, SMUDGE OO-WEE-OO

ALL MADLY BECAUSE YOU HELD ME TIGHT

FRANCIS AND STOLE A KISS IN THE NIGHT HEART AND SOUL

JINX, SPARKY, SMUDGE EE-WOO-EE-OO FRANCIS HEART AND SOUL

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JINX, SPARKY, SMUDGE OO-WEE-OO FRANCIS I BEGGED TO BE ADORED LOST CONTROL

JINX, SPARKY, SMUDGE OO-WEE-OO FRANCIS AND TUMBLED OVERBOARD ALL GLADLY THAT MAGIC NIGHT WE KISSED THERE IN THE MOON MIST

Forever Plaid FRANCIS OH BUT YOUR LIPS WERE THRILLING MUCH TOO THRILLING

JINX, SPARKY, SMUDGE OO-AH! OO-AH! OO-AH!

NEVER BEFORE WERE MINE SO STRANGELY WILLING

OO-AH! OO-AH! OO-AH!

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FRANCIS

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BUT NOW I SEE

JINX, SPARKY, SMUDGE OO-WEE-OO FRANCIS WHAT ONE EMBRACE CAN DO LOOK AT ME

JINX, SPARKY, SMUDGE OH-WEE-OO FRANCIS YOU’VE GOT ME LOVING YOU

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ALL MADLY THAT LITTLE KISS YOU FRANCIS STOLE HELD ALL MY HEART ––

JINX, SPARKY, SMUDGE STO(OH)LE!

SPARKY (Alternating with the others) BUMBA BUMBA BUMBA BUMBA

JINX, FRANCIS, SMUDGE (Alternating with Smudge) BUMBA BUMBA BUMBA BUMBA

Forever Plaid (House lights up) SPARKY This is the first song I ever learned how to play on the piano. How many of you know how to play it?

SMUDGE How many of you know how to play the top or the bottom part?

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FRANCIS How many of you like to play the bottom part? How many of you like to be on top?

JINX It’s part of our mission. We need to take one of you to Plaid Land.

(FRANCIS scans the room and picks a volunteer to play the top piano part. Volunteer should be a woman or little girl.

They ad lib “hellos” till she's ready to play.She plays the first two verses) FRANCIS (Name of volunteer) has volunteered to help us play the top.

(SHE plays. THEY don't sing - they just listen to her playing the top part)

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(Heart and Soul) (I fell in love with you) (Lost control) (Just like a fool would do)

ALL (The Plaids sing to her boisterously) MADLY BECAUSE YOU HELD ME TIGHT AND STOLE A KISS IN THE NIGHT FRANCIS Now play it again!

(She does) (Heart and Soul) (I begged to be adored)

Forever Plaid (Lost control) (And tumbled overboard) ALL (The Plaids sing to her) PLAIDLY THAT MAGIC NIGHT WE KISSED THERE IN THE MOON MIST

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(THEY into a wide circle around her. And beging a two step and encourage her to dance.)

JINX, SPARKY, SMUDGE OO-AH! OO-AH! OO-AH!

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FRANCIS OH BUT YOUR LIPS WERE THRILLING MUCH TOO THRILLING

NEVER BEFORE WERE MINE SO STRANGELY WILLING

OO-AH! OO-AH! OO-AH!

FRANCIS

BUT NOW I SEE

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JINX, SPARKY, SMUDGE OO-WEE-OO FRANCIS WHAT ONE EMBRACE CAN DO LOOK AT ME

JINX, SPARKY, SMUDGE OH-WEE-OO FRANCIS YOU’VE GOT ME LOVING YOU ALL MADLY THAT LITTLE KISS YOU FRANCIS STOLE

JINX, SPARKY, SMUDGE STO-

Forever Plaid HELD ALL MY HEART ––

(OH)LE!

ALL MADLY THAT LITTLE KISS YOU JINX, SPARKY, SMUDGE STO- (OH) - LE!

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ALL HELD ALL MY HEART AND SOUL

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FRANCIS STOLE

FRANCIS As a token of your evening as a special Plaid, we’d like you to have

( JINX brings out a little basket of gifts holding it with an extendo gripper.

FRANCIS takes a gripper and selects each gift and passes it to the volunteer) This Plaid-covered dental floss. We had it made up special. Just remember however, that fluoridation is no substitute for good oral hygiene.

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JINX And since you have proven your “Plaid worthiness,” here is your certificate, inducting you into our ranks as an Honorary Plaid.

(Passes her the bagged certificate. The backstage person wrote in her name when he hears it said earlier and places it in a sanitary plastic bag) SMUDGE Also please inscribe your name in the Plaid Book of Life which you can do on what I believe you call the interweb. At (the name of the theatre’s web address) (To AUDIENCE) And all of you go to the interweb thingey and sign it too so that we can keep track of you all and put in a good word, after we leave.

Forever Plaid (Lady leaves the stage during the AUDIENCE applause. As SHE leaves, the piano player RE-ENTERS with a new Mask.

Thinking the applause is for him, he takes s a grand bow, and then heads for the piano. Everyone begin the set up for The Ed Sullivan Show, as JINX continues)

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JINX (Crosses to bench or sits on accordian case) While the others are getting their props together, Sparky and I are supposed to tell you what Sunday evenings were like around at our house. You see, our family was always squabbling, and about the only time they took a breather from yelling was Sunday night –– 8 p.m.

SPARKY (Appears through curtain with period TV Guide with Ed Sullivan on cover, hidden from AUDIENCE) Seven Central and Mountain Time.

JINX We’d settle in front of the Magnavox. My father...

SPARKY

(Interrupting) My step-father ––

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JINX –– would get in the recliner, but he wouldn’t lean it back. He would keep it upright. And my step-mom –– SPARKY

My real mom ––

JINX –– would stand in the doorway of the family room drying a tureen from Sunday supper. We would sit in front of my father.

SPARKY My step-father.

JINX Our heads would rest between his knees and he would rest his knees on either side of our heads. He’d keep time to the music by bopping his kneecaps against our ears. It could get intense if the music was fast.

Forever Plaid SPARKY Like when the orchestra would play the Sabre Dance for the “Flying Walendas.”

JINX I kinda liked it.

SPARKY Me too.

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JINX It was like some form of primitive communication. It was the family T.V. hour.

Ed Sullivan.

(SPARKY takes out TV Guide with Ed Sullivan's picture on it) He turned the battlefield of the den into neutral territory.

SPARKY He was like the Switzerland of variety shows.

JINX When it was over, we would scoot away as fast as we could, and the parents would do their post-Ed ritual. Turn off the T.V.

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SPARKY –– open the refrigerator –– JINX –– stare at the food for a while –– SPARKY –– and then shut the door.

JINX Their bedroom door would open and close.

SPARKY There would be a series of belches.

JINX And then it was quiet.

SPARKY Sunday quiet.

Forever Plaid (Piano begins. SPARKY jumps up. He pulls one flat from OFFSTAGE which has the CBS ‘eye’ logo on it. SMUDGE pulls another one. ) And so, Columbia Broadcasting System invites you to stay tuned for... #18 Mercury

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FRANCIS The Ed Sullivan Show. Brought to you by the Lincoln-Mercury division of the Ford Motor Company. Introducing the new Mercury Monterey, featuring MercoMatic drive.

(HE holds up beautiful large photo of '54 Mercury convertible –– red.

The Plaids at the mike, DOWN CENTER.)

ALL THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CAR ON THE ROAD IS A MERC, A MERCURY. THE MOST WONDERFUL STYLING OF ALL IS FOUND IN A MERC, A MERCURY.

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IT’S RE-DESIGNED FOR FIFTY-FOUR FLAIR FASHIONS, BEAUTY, STYLE GALORE AND IT STOPS ON A MERCURY DIME. THE WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUL GLORIOUS GLAMOROUS GREAT NEW MERCURY.

SMUDGE (Doing his best Ed Sullivan imitation) And now Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, right here on our very own stage, the entire Ed Sullivan Shoe in three minutes and eleven seconds.

(FRANCIS flips the Mercury picture over and it has a TV “APPLAUSE” sign on the back. JINX puts on his accordian and steps DOWN CENTER The Plaids do a countdown towards JINX - “T.V. style.”)

FRANCIS, SPARKY, SMUDGE Five, four, three, two

Forever Plaid (THEY mime “One” and “Go”) NOTE: I HAVE A DETAILED PROP SET UP OF WHO HAS WHAT PROP IN THEIR PERSONAL BIN. THERE IS VERY LITTLE CROSSING OF THE STAGE UNLESS IT IS AT LEAST 6 TO 8FOOT DISTANCE FROM FELLOW PERFORMERS.

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#19 Lady Of Spain

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SPARKY, FRANCIS, SMUDGE PUT ON THEIR WHITE GLOVES AT THE PREP FOR THIS SECTION. THIS IS FOR SAFETY AND ALSO FOR THE SENOR WENCES BIT THAT COMES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NUMBER. )

(On music intro, FRANCIS stashes the sign and SMUDGE sets the high-hat.)

JINX LADY OF SPAIN, I ADORE YOU (SMUDGE plays the high-hat)

RIGHT FROM THE NIGHT I FIRST SAW YOU.

(FRANCIS juggles plaid balls SPARKY readies fans and mantilla)

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MY HEART HAS BEEN YEARNING FOR YOU WHAT ELSE COULD ANY HEART DO? LADY OF SPAIN I’M APPEALING

(SPARKY, as a dancing Spanish senorita, Flamenco dances and fans to JINX and then he dances off UP STAGE LEFT. FRANCIS crosses DOWN STAGE RIGHT in GROUCHO glasses and cigar) WHY SHOULD MY LIPS BE CONCEALING SMUDGE (Simultaneously with the word “BE” above) Rawhide!

(SMUDGE cracks a whip. FRANCIS spits out a cigar) JINX ALL THAT MY LIPS ARE REVEALING

Forever Plaid (SPARKY ENTERS on his knees as a seal. He has a bike horn in hand and a beachball in his mouth or on his nose ) LADY OF SPAIN, I LOVE YOU SMUDGE (Blindfolded crosses DOWNSTAGE with a gun and a mirror) One, two...

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(FRANCIS holds balloon on top of his head as SMUDGE fires the gun. Balloon pops. THEY exit) JINX NIGHTS IN MADRID BLUE AND TENDER

(FRANCIS REENTERS with a hoola hoop. SPARKY ENTERS with a stuffed dog. He pets it and then throws it through the hoop held by FRANCIS) SPANISH MOON MAKES

(Simultaneously with the word “SPANISH” above SMUDGE juggles chiffon scarves. FRANCIS puts on special glove SILVER SPLENDOR

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(Simultaneously with the word “SILVER” SPARKY and FRANCIS bring out plates attached to this dowling and pretend to be spinning them) MUSIC, THROBBING PLAINTIVE SOBBING (Simultaneously with the word “MUSIC” above FRANCIS begins ballet steps. SMUDGE gets his two Plaid Dolls that are pre-set on piano) NOTES FROM A GUITAR (SPARKY joins the ballet .)

WITH ARDENT CABALLEROS SERENADE

Forever Plaid (FRANCIS and SPARKY do partner ballet moves at opposite ends of the stage. Then they get their Plaid Dolls) SMUDGE SPARKY AND FRANCIS TAKE OUT DOLLS and doll from behind their backs) ALL AHH AH AH AHH AH AH

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(THEY hold dolls out like Señor Wences.)

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LADY OF SPAIN I ADORE YOU

RIGHT FROM THE NIGHT I FIRST SAW YOU

(SMUDGE and step-shuffle the buffalo off STAGE LEFT and FRANCIS goes to the right. SPARKY goes up stage to get props.))

JINX MY HEART HAS BEEN YEARNING FOR YOU

(FRANCIS ENTERS as Brünhilde with braids, horned hat and two strainers for a breast plate. He holds a plunger and singers in falsetto: HOYA TA HO, HOYA TA HO) WHAT ELSE COULD ANY HEART DO?

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SMUDGE

(With cigar box) S’alright?

(Opens box) S’alright.

(Closes box)

JINX LADY OF SPAIN I’M APPEALING SPARKY (ENTERS) My name is Jose Jimenez JINX WHY SHOULD MY LIPS BE CONCEALING

Forever Plaid (FRANCIS wearing a nun’s habit, ENTERS as the Singing Nun) FRANCIS DOMINIQUE, ANIQUE NOM DE PLUME IN GAY PAREE JINX ALL THAT MY EYES ARE REVEALING

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SMUDGE Eddie, kiss Topo Giogio good night.

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(SMUDGE ENTERS to the far LEFT of JINX as the Little Italian Mouse)

JINX LADY OF SPAIN I LOVE

(Simultaneously with the word “LOVE” above FRANCIS holds seltzer bottle, SPARKY in fireman's hat has fire extinguisher, as SMUDGE eats fire) YOU

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(SMUDGE, FRANCIS, and SPARKY do trenches and fall to floor.

As SMUDGE falls, he strikes the cymbals on the button - of the number. JINX finishes with bravura. All rise and bow modestly as if THEY can't believe anyone likes them) FRANCIS (Takes a hit from his inhaler) Although as Plaids, we’ve kidded and cavorted, when appropriate we took... no, we take being Plaid seriously.

(THEY each get their official Scottish Plaids. THEY make a ritual out of putting on these tartans. They are solemn and formal. They bow to each other and place them over their left shoulder. SMUDGE puts his over his right) #20 Scotland The Brave ALL OOOOH OOOOH OOOOH AH

Forever Plaid HARK WHEN THE NIGHT IS FALLING HEAR, HEAR THE PIPES ARE CALLING LOUDLY AND PROUDLY CALLING DOWN THROUGH THE GLEN.

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LAND OF MY HIGH ENDEAVOR, LAND OF THE SHINING RIVER, LAND OF MY HEART FOREVER, SCOTLAND THE BRAVE.

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TOWERING IN GALLANT FAME, SCOTLAND MY MOUNTAIN HAIM, LONG MAY YOUR PROUD STANDARDS GLORIOUSLY WAVE.

(Underneath the following lines, JINX, SPARKY and SMUDGE continue with a ‘brumm, brumm’) FRANCIS The Oxford English Dictionary. Plaid: a cloth of woven fabric –– traditionally worn over the left shoulder.

(At this point SMUDGE slowly begins to realize his “Plaid” is on the wrong shoulder. HE has to slowly get it to the correct side.

FRANCIS occasionally looks over and panics. JINX and SPARKY don’t seem to notice)

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This highlander material is comprised of a series of colorful squares and crossbarred patterns, signifying family and home.

(SMUDGE tries to adjust his “Plaid” to the correct shoulder.

FRANCIS cuts off “brumms”) ALL (SMUDGE begins to switch Plaid) SCOTLAND THE BRAVE. SCOTLAND THE BRAVE.

Forever Plaid (During the last line, SMUDGE finishes the switch to left shoulder.

THEY bow. As they bow, JINX, SPARKY and FRANCIS make a formal ritualistic bow with their left hands going to their right shoulders. SMUDGE has his right hand going to his left shoulder.

Then there is thunder and lightning and The Plaids are stunned.

From the house a Female Usher, or other housepersonnel brings a big, huge Plaid box to the stage. She has gloves on. The Plaids don’t go to it till she has begun to leave.)

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USHER (OR OTHER HOUSE STAFF) Oh Plaids! Oh Plaids. This suddenly appeared in the aisle. And Naturally, we assumed it was for you.

ALL

Thank you, lady.

USHER

You’re welcome, Plaids!

ALL

Wow, nice box.

(THEY peek inside)

FRANCIS

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(Quietly) Holy tuxedo!

JINX

(Stunned) Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh.

(FRANCIS stops SPARKY from pulling out what is inside, then ushers the guys off the stage. The following lines are heard from OFFSTAGE) FRANCIS We’re finally a real group. If only we weren’t dead.

SMUDGE We could’ve played anywhere in these.

SPARKY The Plaids live at the International House Of Pancakes!

Forever Plaid FRANCIS No. Think bigger. You guys never thought big enough.

JINX The Pittsburgh Hilton is proud to to host...

FRANCIS Bigger!

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#21 Shangra-La/Rags To Riches

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SMUDGE Now appearing at Radio City Music Hall!

ALL

Bigger!

SPARKY Mount Everest is proud to present...

(Fog covers the stage to the knees. The Plaid’s ENTER, THEY enter with a six foot spacing between them. They are now wearing gorgeous Plaid tuxedo jackets)

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ALL YOUR KISSES TAKE ME TO SHANGRI-LA EACH KISS IS MAGIC THAT MAKES MY LITTLE WORLD A SHANGRI-LA

(THEY open the left side of their jacket to reveal satin lining) I SPEAK YOUR NAME DEAR AND THERE YOU ARE. I COULD BE DREAMING OR HAVE YOU SUMMONED ME TO SHANGRI-LA? (THEY open other side of jacket to reveal names embroidered in lining.

The mirror ball spins, bubbles and dry ice fill the stage) A LAND OF MOONLIGHT AND FOUNTAINS AND NOTHING TO DO

Forever Plaid BUT CLING TO AN ANGEL THAT LOOKS LIKE YOU. AND WHEN YOU HOLD ME HOW WARM YOU ARE. BE MINE MY DARLING AND SPEND YOUR LIFE WITH ME IN SHANGRI-LA. (SEGUE

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SMUDGE stands at mike, flips the glasses off his head. They are caught by one of the guys if they have gloves on. SMUDGE now appears to have confidence) SMUDGE I KNOW I’D GO FROM RAGS TO RICHES IF YOU WOULD ONLY SAY YOU CARE, AND THOUGH MY POCKETS MAY BE EMPTY I’D BE A MILLIONAIRE

MY CLOTHES MAY STILL BE TORN AND TATTERED BUT IN MY HEART I’D BE A KING. YOUR LOVE IS ALL THAT MATTERED IT’S EVERYTHING

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SO OPEN YOUR ARMS AND I’LL OPEN THE DOOR TO ALL THE TREASURES THAT I’M HOPING FOR. HOLD ME AND KISS ME AND TELL ME YOU’RE MINE EVERMORE. MUST I FOREVER STAY A BEGGAR WHOSE GOLDEN DREAMS MAY NOT COME TRUE? OR WILL I GO FROM RAGS TO RICHES MY FATE IS UP TO YOU.

(THE PLAIDS take albums that also came in the Plaid box.

These are preset, hidden about on the stage. SMUDGE joins them. Each is a perfectly professional album cover complete with period LivingStereo RCA logo. WE’VE also used Video and projections for the albums covers.)

SPARKY The Plaids. The First Album.

Forever Plaid FRANCIS The Plaids go Latin.

JINX The Plaids in Orbit.

SMUDGE The Plaids Swing Songs of Inspiration.

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SPARKY Classical Plaids, the Beethoven Album.

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ALL HERE COME THE PLAIDS HERE COME THE PLAIDS OH WAH! HERE COME THE PLAIDS HERE COME THE PLAIDS OH WAH!

FRANCIS The Good, The Plaid, and The Ugly.

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JINX, SPARKY, SMUDGE (Simultaneous with FRANCIS’S speech above) OO-EE-OO-E-OOH-AH JINX. FRANCIS, SPARKY THE PLAIDS SOLID GOLD HITS! SMUDGE MUST I FOREVER STAY A BEGGAR WHOSE GOLDEN DREAMS

JINX, FRANCIS, SPARKY I SPEAK YOUR NAME DEAR

(THEY pull out Gold Records from the jackets. The records have Plaid labels. SMUDGE jumps to CENTER STAGE) MAY NOT COME TRUE OR WILL I GO FROM RAGS TO RICHES MY FATE IS UP TO YOU FOR ANYWHERE YOU ARE IS

AND THERE YOU ARE AND SPEND LIFE WITH ME IN SHANGRI-LA FOR ANYWHERE YOU ARE

Forever Plaid (SMUDGE rips his bowtie loose. It’s a clip on. It hangs there. The walls of the theatre set and portals are illuminated with Plaid) MY FATE IS UP TO YOU IN SHANGRI-LA

IS SHANGRI-LA

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(The entire set turns Plaid. A huge FOREVER PLAID logo in lights drops in. All the chaser lights go. Lights appear covering the audience. The canopy lights over the AUDIENCE twinkle)

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They do a huge final jump, ending on their knees. ALL but FRANCIS freeze in a panic. FRANCIS goes about the stage setting his mike cord and mike stands getting ready for the finale.

The effect lights begin to fade. The chasers dim. The Plaid dims to what it was. SMUDGE, JINX and SPARKY are sad and miffed) FRANCIS What’s the matter? Come on. Let’s set up for the finale, “Splendored Thing”.

SMUDGE I wish we didn’t have to go back. I like it here. I want to stay. We finally have our tuxes. Maybe if we don’t finish the show, we can pick up where we left off.

SPARKY

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The emergency room?

JINX I can hear us so clear. In the car that night. Rehearsing. We were just getting good.

(HE thinks his nose is bleeding. He turns UPSTAGE holding his nose) SMUDGE Ladies and Gentlemen, we were at the vanguard of the sounds of a whole new America. Guy groups were back in. The Beatles paved the way for us. It was gonna be good. It was gonna be different.

SPARKY It wasn’t gonna be different. Nobody even noticed us die. We didn’t even rate a plane crash like Buddy Holly or Patsy Cline. We were slammed by a bunch of Parochial virgins. I’m glad it’s over.

Forever Plaid JINX Me too.

(JINX, SPARKY and SMUDGE retreat to separate areas of the stage) SMUDGE Maybe Thomas Wolfe was right when he said, “You can never go back to your house again.”

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FRANCIS (Impassioned - HE knows time is running out) Why not? We came back once, we can do it again. We don’t know what’s going to happen. We can’t be sure of anything except how we feel, that nothing on this, or any other planet, compares to the feeling of being inside a good tight chord.

Knowing that we’re building an arrangement that will vibrate through eternity.

(THEY turn away from him)

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Picture this –– we’re coming into the release of “Splendored Thing.” There we are, careening into that classic D-flat minor chord. I know that I gotta jump in and come around smooth on the inside of the harmony. I hear a cool A-flat building on my left, so I slip into an F sharp. That sends you all cascading.You topple into a portomento of epic proportions. Now Smudge brings us around. He passes me the dominant. I pass it back. We volley. B, C-sharp, B, E, F, F-sharp. The coast is clear. Not a nosebleed in sight. Jinx heads out with his money notes. A, A-sharp, maybe a B if he feels particularly hot, and he does. We change keys. Shift it. Shift it. Into overdrive. We modulate to the stars! Vvrrrooooommm!

(FRANKIE moves center) We sail over melodies creating whole new galaxies as we go. We propel ourselves through the coda, then parachute off our snow-covered chord, cushioning down on a cloud of warm sound. We hold onto that last note. We don’t want to say goodbye to the song. We’re out of breath, but we keep singing longer andstronger.

Then, as one, we cut off.

(The others begin to get involved with FRANCIS) There is only silence. Quality silence. Sleek sweat runs down our collective necks. It’s a good sweat. A perfect chord. One perfect moment. That’s all anyone has the right to ask for. And we had more than our share. Rehearsing in the stockroom was our Madison Square Garden. Singing in the upholstered comfort of the Mercury was our Carnegie Hall. The opening of the Stroudsberg Sears was our Ed Sullivan Show. And it was good, dammit! Excuse me. But it was good. Real good. Did I leave anything out?

Forever Plaid ALL No. FRANCIS As much as I don’t want to, I know it’s time to leave. We touched our dream.

We maybe got to prove that, no matter what happens or how cruddy stuff is there’s always a chance to make a little harmony. So please, let’s sing the last song, and go like Plaids. #21A Before Love

(Underscore)

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(Slowly, each of the guys makes their personal decision to finish the last song. SMUDGE is the last to decide to finish the show.The stools are moved DOWNSTAGE. They take their place sitting on their stools. SMUDGE holds the mike in the wrong hand.

FRANCIS whispers to him to change it.) #22 Love Is A Many Splendored Thing ALL

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OOOOOOH AAHHHH LOVE IS A MANY SPLENDORED THING IT’S THE APRIL ROSE THAT ONLY GROWS IN THE EARLY SPRING LOVE IS NATURE’S WAY OF GIVING, A REASON TO BE LIVING. A GOLDEN CROWN THAT MAKES A MAN A KING. ONCE, ON A HIGH AND WINDY HILL, IN THE MORNING MIST TWO LOVERS KISSED AND THE WORLD STOOD STILL. THEN YOUR FINGERS TOUCHED MY SILENT HEART AND TAUGHT IT HOW TO SING. YES, TRUE LOVE’S A MANY SPLENDORED THING AAAAHHHH

(THEY rise, standing, proudly, moving DOWNSTAGE) ONCE, ON A HIGH AND WINDY HILL, IN THE MORNING MIST

Forever Plaid TWO LOVERS KISSED AND THE WORLD STOOD STILL. THEN YOUR FINGERS TOUCHED MY SILENT HEART AND TAUGHT IT HOW TO SING. YES TRUE LOVE’S A MANY SPLENDORED THING. AAAHH AAAHH AAAHH

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(On the final chord, The Plaids salute, then lower their arms very slowly. The stage fades slowly, leaving them in a golden glow-and then to black. Before the bows, the final verse of “LOVE” is played, a moon appears through the back scrim. We see the silhouette of The Plaids suitcase and mics in hand, rising up to heaven across the moon) LIGHTS UP -

CURTAIN CALL MUSIC

We see THE PLAID logo at the end of the bows.

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THE END

Forever Plaid

DEDICATION FOREVER PLAID is dedicated to the "good guys" -To the guys who carried an extra handkerchief -To the guys who saved their allowances to give their parents an extra special night on the town for their anniversary -To the guys who wheeled the projector carts for the Driver Education films --

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We salute you!

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To the guys who didn't go beyond first base, and if, by some miracle, they did, they didn't tell anyone.