Modern Women Magazine Issue 2

TRENDING IN THE TROPICS Taking off my hijab (but not my faith).

ë ñ ï z å g å m ñ û f Smårt ëñ m ø w ñ û f t r å m før s

LEADING LADIES Ibu Rucina: falling in love with a Balinese man.

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10 CONTRIBUTORS 11 WANT TO GET PUBLISHED?

CONTENT

06 EDITORIAL A note from the editor

12 TRENDING IN THE TROPICS Taking off my hijab (but not my faith).

52

Laughing Matters Washing your eyes with razors

32 OPEN PAGES Rain 40 BULLSHITOMETER Coach, grandma or fortune cookie: who gives better life guidance?

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34

Ask Mama Bali What do I do if someone ghosted me?

58 KEEP YOUR WITS ABOUT YOU

60 BRANCH OUT IN BALI Irish karaoke queen going sober.

70 ART ZONE Ubud Writers and Readers Festival: Fostering an Artistic Community

76 BALI INSIDER INKLUSIV WARUNG: culinary crusaders of inclusivity.

80 OPEN PAGES Celebrating female voices

22

Leading Ladies Ibu Rucina: Faling in love with a Balinese Man. 5

EDITORIAL

We’ve come to this tropical haven not just for the sun-kissed surfer boys and Instagrammable coconuts. We’re here on a grand quest for a Change. Some vague personal transformation. Our pilgrimage to Bali follows a predictable path. Freshly barefooted, frangipani behind the ear, we’re promptly hit with cacao-fuelled epiphanies under the freakishly full Bali moon. Hold on to your sarongs. We’ve got it. From here on, less inhibitions. More zen.

More zest. More coconuts. We’re ready to be softer. Happier.

Healthier. We learn anew to listen to ourselves. To eat better. Maybe we even quit alcohol. Just like our Branch out in Bali columnist learning to navigate the wild world of Bali nightlife without a single drop of liquid courage. An Irish introvert attempting the unthinkable – going out booze-free – is like witnessing a unicorn strolling through the rice paddies. A rare and majestic sight.

But oh, personal changes are indeed a spectacle. A firework show that dazzles some and deeply disturbs others. Just ask Ayu, our fearless hijab renegade. She decided to redefine what it means to be

a happy Muslim woman in contemporary Indonesia by ditching her hijab. Brave move? You bet. Did it ruffle some feathers?

Absolutely. Ayu speaks her truth louder than a rooster at sunrise, defying the advice to stay quiet and obedient. Respect.

Yet these days in Bali it’s wise to keep your quest for change on the downlow. The air here is thick with hope and ambition (or is that just the trash fires?).

A perfect breeding ground for the newly evolved species – life coaches. In this issue, we embark on a scorching (but fair) investigation into why everyone seems to

“We, the ‘land people, need to escape Bali at least once a year.

Otherwise, the island will get to you”.

harbor a not-so-secret grudge against the coaches.

7

EDITORIAL Are they the saviors we didn’t know we needed, or just expert baiters in the ocean of personal growth? And even if the worst-case scenario is true and their guidance amounts to nothing more than wisdom from your grandma, sprinkled at random with a few woke words like ‘manifest’, ‘consciousness’, or ‘trauma’, we’re nonetheless grateful for their existence. Not only do they sharpen our bullshitometer, they also remind us to pause and assess our relationship with change and self-improvement.

Are we just caught up in the romantic allure of reinvention? Are we stuck in a perpetual pursuit of self-enhancement driven by a deep-seated sense of inadequacy? Brainwashed into ‘making it’?

Why are we chasing success? How do we define it?

And are we even ready for it?

What better time for such reflections than at the dawn of the rainy season? In the Open Pages – our literary open mic driven by submissions from our readers – we’re ushered into the season of contemplation by some gentle poetry. Think of it as a poetic monsoon shower for your soul.

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Yes, we came to Bali to make a change.

Otherwise, you can end up a Thai

But stay here too long, and you’ll feel

Laughing Matter, like our Ibu Skit.

the swamp of complacency sucking

But if you can crack the code and

you in. As one wise friend puts it,

figure out how to do this crazy

we, the ‘land people, need to escape

ride called Bali, your personal

Bali at least once a year for a couple

metamorphosis will inevitably

of months. Otherwise, the island will

ripple out, allowing you to make a

get to you. So, if you start hearing

real difference in this world. Or as

whispers, ‘Hey, you with the Bintang

coaches would say, your individual

in hand, it’s time to shake things

evolution will contribute to the

up! –’ don’t shrug it off as another

collective growth. And with whom

bad trip. Listen to these whispers

better to check in for advice than the

before they snowball into something

OGs, the wise elders who’ve clocked

entirely less pleasant. It shouldn’t take

in decades on this island. Ibu Rucina

a horde of disgruntled roosters for

gets real in the Leading Ladies

you to know it’s time to take a break.

column, revealing what it was like

But be sure to check in with yourself

for a strong American trying to make

first so you don’t end up taking a

changes in the 80s after marrying

break for all the wrong reasons.

a Balinese man. We are inspired.

Read on, dear fellow practitioner of chaos.

And let our reflections and our stories support you in your daily acts of quiet courage on your deeply profound transformation journey.

sia Ana sta ova Belik Modern Women Bali Founder 9

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Sania Rasyid EDITORS Lynn Maria Minervini Rahima Saikal EDITORIAL TEAM Sydney Barnett Saoirse Rafferty Megan Lynn Judd Katie Mary Kat Van Sligtenhorst ADVISORY BOARD Ibu Kat The NYX DESIGN Irawan Zuhri

CONTRIBUTORS

FOUNDER Anastasia Belikova

ILLUSTRATIONS AND PHOTOGRAPHY SusaZoom Monica Carvalho Lou Benesch Casual Polar Bear Chinapat Yeukprasert Jilipollo Miki Kim Leena Manimekalai niki.studio Vicky Widayatma Dmitry Novikov Ubud Writers and Readers Festival

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WANT TO GET

PUBLISHED? Would you like to get published?

You will get a great exposure and an amazing platform to showcase your writing, your art, your area of expertise to a wide audience.

We are a hub for creatives, intellectuals, business women, professionals and other badass Modern Women in Bali who want to grow, express, create, inspire, inform and connect.

Not a writer but would like to flex your creative muscles and gain experience? Join our creatives braintrust!

We welcome writers to become the voice of Modern Women Bali and make an impact in the community.

GET IN TOUCH! modernwomenbali@gmail.com

We encourage you to contribute articles, thoughts, opinions, expert tips, poems and stories about your Bali experience.

@modernwomenbali

TRENDING IN TROPICS

BY AYU ARMAN. I was born and raised a

Studying in the pesantren, I gained a broader

Muslim. My parents are strict

knowledge of Islam. I began to understand that

Muslims, especially my father.

there are diverse streams of thought in Islam.

As a child, I had to pray on

These come from the different social communities

time, recite the Qur’an, and

and political orientation of each imam (the male

wear a hijab. My authoritarian

prayer leader in a mosque), as well as the different

father didn’t hesitate to hit me

methodologies they have used to study the law

if I missed a prayer. If I didn’t

from its main sources, Al-Qur’an and the hadith

wake up before the adzan (call)

(the reported sayings and doings of the prophet

for subuh prayer, my father

Mohammed).

would soak my face and head with water. From the age of

When I first read the religious texts , I had so

13, I went to a pesantren - an

many questions. As a Muslim woman, I was taught

Islamic boarding school where

that all of my intentions, thoughts, and attitudes

I began my deeply religious

should always follow the rules and moral values of

education into the history

Al-Qur’an, the hadiths, and fiqh (Islamic law). The

of Islam. But today, though

problem was, the more I referred to these texts,

I’m still a devout Muslim

the more I felt they were unfair to my gender, to

woman, I choose to no longer

women.

wear the hijab - a choice that has shocked my parents

There are hadiths which uphold equality between

and alienated me from my

men and women, but there are also hadiths which

community.

prescribe inequality or defend misogyny.

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TRENDING IN TROPICS

For example, there is the text about the creation of woman from the prophet Adam’s crooked ribs, which is usually interpreted to mean that women are only ‘half’ compared to men. Because of this, a woman’s testimony is only worth half of a man’s and her inheritance will only be half that of her brothers.

Also, women can never be leaders.

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“For me, love requires selfliberation”.

15

TRENDING IN TROPICS

Another text says: “If a man calls his

we need to use a contextual interpretation.

wife to bed and she refuses, and then he

We need to analyse the language and

sleeps in anger, the angels shall curse

consider the history, sociology, and

her until he awakens.” Then there is the

anthropology of the Arab lands at the

practice of polygamy and a text that says

time when the Qur’an was written down.

women’s voices are aurath (forbidden) because they tend to trigger slander.

Interpreting Al-Qur’an in context opens space for the emancipation of

‘Why do men have more privileges than women?’ I asked my teachers, and the answer was always the same: “Because men were destined to be leaders.” Of course, that was not a satisfactory answer for me.

I wanted to see a world that doesn’t discriminate between men and women, a world where equality of the sexes is upheld. But I realised Islamic law takes the man’s side because the books were written by men. This injustice made me wonder and worry. Was it true that, socially, Islam placed women as second class citizens? To understand this question, I saw that we need to distinguish between the doctrinal teachings of Islam and the culturally based teachings of Islam.

The Qur’an contains some teachings that were revolutionary and emancipative at the time it was written. It prescribed egalitarian social structures and the abolition of slavery. But its teachings also reflect the social context of the time. Today,

16

both men and women. But this kind of

interpretation is often unfamiliar, and

Finally, I decided to stop wearing

many communities find it difficult to

my veil, which I’d been wearing

accept. Often, those who understand the

since I was a child. For me, the

significance of gender equality experience

hijab was only an expression of

deadlock when they confront real life

Arab culture, not an obligation for

situations. When a woman is stubborn

all Muslim women.

enough to fight for control of her own life and destiny, she is often considered

When village and pesantren friends

rebellious or ‘a liberal woman’.

saw I was no longer wearing my veil, they hurled accusations at me. They said I’d turned into a ‘liberal woman’, that my faith in Islam was weak, and that I was influenced by a hedonistic, metropolitan lifestyle. The accusations became even worse when I became a single parent.

As predicted, my family, especially my parents, were ashamed of my decision. They felt humiliated by their own daughter.

My father kept on insisting I wear my veil, but I told him I was convinced it is not an obligation for Muslim women. I told him I felt more confident not wearing it. Our arguments ended up only making my father more upset.

My mom became depressed. I lived in an area where people are fanatically Islamic, and no one in my community was sympathetic.

17

TRENDING IN TROPICS

They said I’d turned into a ‘liberal woman’, that my faith in Islam was a weak, and that I was influenced by a hedonistic, metropolitan lifestyle.

Eventually, I chose to leave my

its price. We have to be ready to be

organization and the community that

slandered or even bullied. But I believe

raised me. I chose my own career path,

that when we find our inner self, and

working in media.

take charge of our lives , then we will have immeasurable happiness.

Today, after an exhausting struggle, I know I’ve made the right choice not

We also have to remember that

to wear any religious attributes on my

Indonesia does not belong to one group,

body. Without a hijab, I’ve collaborated

one religion, one tribe, or one culture.

with and learned from many

Indonesia belongs to all of us. Our

communities with different religions

country consists of many religions,

and ethnic backgrounds. My network is

tribes, and regions, but it is our

wider than it would have been, not all

common home.

in one box. And most importantly, I am happy.

I know I’ve hurt my parents, but from the bottom of my heart, I still love them in my own way. For me, love requires self-liberation. If I love you, I will let you be yourself. Through rebellion I freed myself from falsity and found my most authentic self. We often need to rebel when we’re trapped in certain situations

FROM THE AUTHOR I am a biographer and tourism writer. You can read my books at https://nalapublishing.com or see my travels to the islands of Eastern Indonesia at https://ourislands.id/

or conditions, but every rebellion has

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LEADING LADIES

Ibu Rucina: FALING IN LOVE WITH A BALINESE MAN

BY RAHIMA SAIKAL “I don’t know why he married

“When I stepped off the plane, I

me. He knew he was marrying a

thought, I’m home,” Rucina said,

strong Western woman.”

rolling her eyes. “I could smell the kretek in the air, it was all

Falling in love with a ‘beautiful

very romantic.”

brown man’ in Bali in the 1980s wasn’t in Ibu Rucina’s life plan.

The then-21-year-old immersed

Nor was living a life full of

herself in the world of Balinese

challenges, suppressed within

dance at KOKAR, the High

a patriarchal society and an

School of Performing Arts in

unhappy marriage to boot. But

Denpasar before moving to the

when she tells me about her

village of Batuan to study with

career, her family and her

one of the great masters.

thoughts on Balinese culture and society, I

“I studied 4 hours a day –

can see this absolute

when my teacher was there.

powerhouse of a

Sometimes he’d be at a cock fight

woman has decided

or would be feeding his cows

that it was all worth

in the field, but I’d just wait. In

it.

those days, waiting was much more a part of the culture than

Her love of traditional

it is now.”

dance brought her to Bali in the 1970s. Young, naïve

For the next decade, Rucina

and with stars in her eyes, she

went back and forth between

arrived on the island of the Gods

Bali and her home country, the

at 11.30 pm one night.

US. It wasn’t until 1985,

23

LEADING LADIES

when she came back to Peliatan, Ubud to start up a program called the Experiment in International Living that a new chapter of her life began.

The American met her soon-to-be husband, Agung, who was teaching Bahasa Indonesia in the program. The pair married the following year and moved to the States so that Rucina could give birth to their first son and Agung could experience life elsewhere.

“He hated it. He had to work in construction and because of his caste in Bali, he thought the work was beneath him. It was a really tough year.”

This was only the beginning. At the age of 35, Rucina had committed herself to a life of eternal compromise.

“Balinese culture is extremely patriarchal and misogynistic. It’s just the way it is. It was so difficult for me. When we would go to family ceremonies and rituals, I would put on my smiling mask. I would sit with the other women and chat, finding solace and meaningful conversations amongst the dancers of the family.”

When the couple’s second son was born, Rucina breathed a sigh of relief that he wasn’t a girl.

“...many foreign women are naive. They simply don’t know what they are signing up for”.

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25

“I honestly thought he was going to be a girl the whole time I was pregnant and I didn’t want to know, even though in those days you could find out. When he was born, I thought ok, good, I don’t have to worry about him facing discrimination and he will be allowed to go abroad to study.”

Rucina believes that, much like herself, many foreign women are naïve. They

“Try and see the world through a Balinese’s eyes – it will expand your worldview”.

simply don’t know what they are signing up for.

“You have a love affair with a Balinese

often felt neglected and unheard.

man and it’s sexy and fun or whatever

“Gung made the rules” Rucina

you want to call it and then you get

shrugs.

serious about it, decide to get married and many women don’t realise that

“There are three big things –

once you get married, the fun and

God, sex and money – that you’re

games change and you now have to be a

supposed to talk about before you

good Balinese woman” says Rucina. “ I

get married. Balinese don’t like

mean, are you willing to spend at least

to talk about any of those issues

30% of your time in the village making

and it’s only when it comes up

offerings? And keeping silent when the

during the marriage that they are

menfolk want their say? Can you handle

addressed.”

this? Traditionally women do not go out of the house one-on-one with another

During her marriage to Agung,

male, so your social life will also

Rucina continued to excel in

change”.

being a human bridge between Bali and the West throughout the

Often fighting and arguing, Rucina

1990s. She remained director of

constantly found herself being silenced

the study abroad program for five

within her marriage. She had many

years before she began working for

ideas and thoughts on how she wanted

Elderhostel, an organisation that

to raise her children but her husband

made it possible for older people

always had the last say. The two didn’t

to participate in an immersive

agree on the big issues in life and she

Balinese cultural program.

26

LEADING LADIES

27

LEADING LADIES This proved to be a successful and

create the Annika Linden Centre in

lucrative venture, until the Asian

Denpasar dedicated to one of the bomb

financial crisis transpired in 1997. This

victims in the spirit of helping those

resulted in thousands of expats leaving

who were economically disadvantaged.

the island, few tourists arriving and Elderhostel shutting down in Indonesia.

Back on the home front, she and

Rucina and her family nearly went

her husband were asked to become

bankrupt and as they were slowly

the klian adat, aka the traditional

building their financial life again, the

heads of their village in Abianbase,

Bali bombings in 2002 occurred.

Kapal. This was a huge honour and responsibility, making Rucina the first

After the tragedy, Rucina worked hard

foreign woman in Bali to take up this

to find a way to help the survivors of

position. Ibu Rucina accepted, hoping

the bombings, their families and the

she could make positive changes.

people of Bali. She was recruited by the foundation Yayasan Kemanusiaan

“It didn’t work. I tried to implement small

Ibu Pertiwi (YKIP), and then helped

changes, like let’s stop using imported fruit and lower the carbon footprint, let’s support local fruit. The women told me: “It’s too expensive”. I would say, if you grow a tree now, in five years you’ll have fruit. They just thought I was crazy. It was beyond frustrating. But, it’s hard to instigate changes, to create a ripple effect, especially in a patriarchal culture. No one wants to be the hero here because the Balinese are taught from a young age not to stand out or call attention to themselves as this makes their families ‘malu’ – embarrassed. It is more important to just go along with the status quo.”

However nowadays, more and more Balinese women are forging ahead with a career and for some, gone are the days of sitting around the banjar, making offerings day in and day out.

“I have actually heard of a Balinese woman who is now head of her village,

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which is amazing. More choice for women is good, of course, but sadly, they are also losing touch with that part of their culture. In my family, if we have a big ceremony or a cremation, we buy everything now instead of making it – not just the two foreign women in the family – but everyone. I applaud it, but there is sadness in it too” sighs Rucina.

“I don’t know how to make it balanced.

Gender roles within the banjar are so proscribed and women have very little agency. We are not consulted on matters that require a vote and the daily offerings and religious rituals fall heavily on the women – when do they get time to work or build up their capacity to change and go forward into the world? I’ve always said to my kids: if you feel repressed from the banjar system, it’s up to you to change it and figure out what’s good.”

Despite the fact that Rucina thinks

“Our family would have been totally

certain elements of Balinese culture

obliterated and it would have been ugly for

are unfair towards women, on the

everybody… I know some Balinese women

whole, she enjoys living in Balinese

who have left their husbands and gone

society and believes her life has been

back to their families and their brothers

enriched by the many friends and family

have said: what are you doing here? You’re

members she has on the island. This

taking my rice because now I have to feed

is also perhaps, one of the reasons she

you. There is a disincentive to leave.”

didn’t choose to divorce her husband.

While it is something she certainly

Rucina gained back her sense of

contemplated at various points, she,

self-independence in 2014, the year

like most women, always had the

her husband passed away.

children at the forefront of her mind.

In Bali, divorce isn’t common (although

“He had been sick for a long time and I

increasing more every year) and many

had spent years caring for him. There was

women are not allowed to see their

sadness and grief, of course, but there was

children for years if they get divorced.

also a feeling of freedom, I can’t deny that”.

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And now?

Ibu Rucina is happy. She is living the life she wants to lead. Half of her week is spent in the quiet mountains of north Bali working as the director for the Amisewaka-Desa Les Community Center by day and listening to the sound of the ocean swells by night, and the rest of the week is spent in chaotic Ubud, surrounded by her grandchildren. Her work is satisfying. She loves helping people rise out of poverty.

“Our staff can feed themselves and their families.

The students now have self-confidence and they feel worthy and that is amazing! That is success for me.”

And she always has dance and her comedy group Grup Gedebong Goyang, which she regularly turns to in times of stress and frustration. It has been her anchor, grounding her firmly and reminding her of why she moved to Bali in the first place all those decades ago.

Reflecting on her life and her

“Balinese culture is extremely patriarchal and misogynistic. It’s just the way it is”.

marriage, Rucina acknowledges that a harmonious partnership is difficult to come by in any culture.

During her 50 years of life in Bali, she has some advice for foreign women who are thinking about marrying a Balinese man.

“First and foremost, learn Indonesian, if not Balinese. How else will you communicate with his family? And read as much as you can about Balinese culture.

30

LEADING LADIES

Make sure you do a prenuptial and be

interact. Take up a cause and work

very clear that any wealth you bring

with Indonesians on it. Try and see the

to the relationship is not to be divided

world through a Balinese’s eyes – it will

50/50 in case of divorce. Figure out

expand your worldview.”

what citizenship your children will be before they are born, as after they turn

Change has been a word that has

18 years old, the child has to choose

been a big part of Rucina’s vocabulary

one citizenship. Decide where they

and whether she knows it or not, she

will go to school: will they be brought

has been one of the brave women

up as Balinese, expat or somewhere

who have created ripples of change.

in between? Be proactive in making

She will always be remembered for

friends with Balinese, but know that in

speaking up when others would not

this culture, friendships across genders

and paving the way for women to

are not considered appropriate.

find their voice within a society when

Perhaps your partner is enlightened,

women are often the most quiet.

but is his family? Talk to people, 31

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the shamans came and beat their drums rattled their rattles and rang their bells their incantations fractured the dark clouds that splintered into one last storm then the sky turned a dazzling blue everyone lifted their hands to shield their eyes the clouds that could escaped to the sea the rain pounded the water waves rose up to fight back the fishermen shook their fists then while smoking drinking and dealing cards they asked how long can it last? the clouds love the land the shamans can’t hold them back for four days it rained on the sea on the land in the villages everyone was squinting it’s so bright it’s so blue look how everything glows on the fifth day the sky turned white and quiet because the clouds did love the land they couldn’t stay away from the conversation with mist and trees and from the secret things they did with mountains they gathered and gathered turned violet and smoky gray everyone sighed soon it will rain the shamans covered their drums with a cloth put their rattles and bells in pouches the ceremonies were over four days are enough for the town where people are so lost they think they found themselves 33

ASK MAMA BALI Mama Bali is an all-knowing, gentle spirit

go scream under a waterfall, block them,

that watches over Bali with a smirk on

smell the cempaka, and sing ken ken,

her face. Like an old granny watching her

sister!”

favorite soap opera, she’s fully invested in all the drama. She knows all of our

In terms of actual advice she has a gift for

patterns, and she sees past all of the

pointing out when we make assumptions,

bullsh*t.

overgeneralize, create black and white thoughts, fortune tell, catastrophize,

Due to a recent uptick in bad advice

think in terms of shoulds/musts, jump to

circulating around (hello pesky “life

conclusions, blame, etc. Mama Bali will

coaches”), Mama Bali feels compelled to

help you to recognise that you are holding

open her DM’s to all of your troubles so she

the remote for the soap opera inside your

can impart her eternal wisdom.

mind and will show you a couple of power buttons.

Now remember, Mama Bali is an old crone with sass. She’s the Alpha-Ibu that keeps

And of course Mama Bali has a tribe -

the whole damn island’s shit together.

whenever her wisdom alone is not enough

She doesn’t have time to wrap her truth

she calls on her mama crew - expert

bombs in banana leaves. Her tough love

business advisers, legit psychologists

is intended to challenge you and take

(goodbye ‘life coaches’), experienced

responsibility for your life.

artists and other no-bs true experts of their fields.

She uses humor to remind you to lighten up – you are fortunate enough to live in

So rev up your Scoopy, put on your damn

her paradise after all! And at the end of

helmet.

the day, like any sweet Ibu in Bali would say: “Sudah makan? Oh sayang, wipe

Mama Bali is here to help you navigate all

your tears, get yourself a nasi campur,

your drama and be your best self.

34

Ghost busters!

Hi Mama Bali, what do I do if someone “ghosted” me? Do I just say nothing? Or do I ask why and hopefully get some answers?

Ladies, when we’re driving down If you are feeling stuck or confused, send us your troubles - emotional, relationship, business, creative, family, whatever, and wait for us to publish a response from Mama Bali.

the road and men shout “hello!” from the side of the road, what do we do? Do we skirt to a stop, and ask them why they shouted? No. We just keep driving and roll our eyes at their lack of maturity (and

modernwomenbali@gmail.com

creativity!).

@modernwomenbali

Sayang, if someone has ghosted you, I want you to picture this: me, your Mama Bali, in my best kabaya, in the middle of the road

35

ASK MAMA BALI

“Ghosting is its own form of communication.

It is a symptom of their emotional unavailability”.

36

with a whistle and an orange glow stick,

capacity or level of respect for you to grant

waving at you to TERUS, TERUS, TERUS!

you a proper ending in the first place, to

Just keep on driving. There are better matches waiting for you down the road, trust me (though not down Raya Canggu stay away from there!).

If you had a few interactions before the crime (ghosting) took place – say, a couple of beach walks and a Black Sand happy hour – then frankly, I’d like to remind you

now reappear from the dead, and have a conversation with you to bring you comfort with their reasons? My dear child, they didn’t care enough to put themselves through the awkwardness of having an honest conversation with you then, so may I point out that the likelihood they show up to give you a wrap up now is… well, as unlikely as you going out on Nyepi.

that you don’t know this man from KETUT and you can wish him an Om Swastiyastu, pick yourself up by your Bandung Collection “birkenstocks,” and move on.

Terimakasih, next!

If, however, you were more involved, then it can be more difficult to TERUS, TERUS, TERUS. Best we don’t sweep away those tough feelings like fallen frangipanes.

It’s completely normal to feel rejected, disappointed, hurt, and confused in the aftermath of this deeply unkind and malas dating crime.

Oh and another normal response? Going into full-on detective mode (and of course, getting your entire girl gang in on the

If you really need a reason why they

investigation too). I know you’re looking

ghosted you, by all means, allow your

for clues in every Whatsapp message,

Mama Bali to explain.

and dissecting every past interaction for any sign of something off. It’s ok to want answers and “closure” from them. But please, stop drafting up paragraphs in your

Ghosting is its own form of communication. It is a symptom of their emotional unavailability. The ghoster

iPhone notes for a second and hear me out.

is telling you everything you need to

Let’s look objectively, cause Mama Bali

relationship with you.” And I urge you

needs to get this straight: You want the

to take this as a sign of their limitations,

person who didn’t have the emotional

because it’s got nothing to do with you.

know: “I do not have capacity to be in

37

ASK MAMA BALI It tends to be anxiously-attached folks who

ahem… the Universe (ok, my kin in Ubud

suffer most when on the receiving end

made me say this… but I kind of agree).

of ghosting (hence, the spinning out and

TERUS, TERUS, TERUS!

holding an investigation). Avoidant types are more likely to use ghosting as a coping mechanism. It’s also worth it to mention that those struggling with mental health issues, like anxiety or depression, are also more likely to ghost.

Fixer-uppers, I see you fidgeting right now.

Do not, I repeat, do not take ghosting as a challenge to kick your savior complex into gear.

Seriously, ask yourself, is it worth your time to chase this person down? Or are you secretly pining for an opportunity to weasel your way back into their life like the little luwak that you are? Are you going to be your best self as you jump through hoops to please this person and make them “sure” about you?

Here is Mama Bali’s most stern warning: If you put your energy into someone that does not want you back, or into some “situationship” that is clearly not flowing, then you will drain your own energy and you will kill your self-esteem.

Prove your worth to yourself and to…

38

Be busy, be obsessed with your own growth, and be on your own mission.

Then you will be 100% YOU, a total catch!

And when an emotionally unavailable ghoul drops you like the piece of hot

gorengan that you are, trust me, you’ll

P.S. I came across a recent study that

barely even notice.

said 70% of adults have been ghosted

And if you’ve done all the cord-cutting ceremonies, if you’ve written and burned letters, and cleansed your chakras from head to toe, and you

and I reckon in Bali that number is more around 90%. I’d go even further to say that based on that statistic, you’ve ghosted someone too.

still feel tempted to fire off paragraphs

And do tell me, do you perpetuate unto

about how disappointed you are, then

others what you don’t want done to

ask yourself this. Is there a real chance

you? Are you always honest and good

you’re going to be checking your phone

at rejecting someone? I’d like to leave

constantly, all-consumed and hanging

you with this call to action: let’s all do

out for their reply?

better and be more compassionate in

Last time I’ll say it, TERUS, TERUS, TERUS!

the dating process, and push through that awkward conversation… for your peace and theirs.

“Sampai jumpa, until next time.

Mama Bali’s out!”

As always for your head and heart problems I am joined by our resident psychologist Dr Anastasia Sitka. You can find her gentle power alpha mama wisdom on IG: @drsitka Got a question for Mama Bali? Submit via DM modernwomenbali@gmail.com @modernwomenbali

39

BULLSHITOMETER

By Dr Anastasia Sitka Making fun of coaches is en vogue. Especially if you live in Bali, where you can’t swing a yoga mat without hitting a 20-something-year-old who’s convinced they’ve cracked the code to your best life. Coaching here is the new yoga, and every second person you meet is some kind of a coach desperately looking for an opportunity to sell you self-improvement. And no one is immune.

Just the other day I cringed at an ad in a cafe: ‘Kids life coach. Ages 6 - 10’. What’s next, Express Enlightenment for Toddlers? Why the cringe though? Am I now a member of the old generation, resisting progress like repressed Baby Boomers for whom the thought of therapy was an unthinkable insult? Or is there something wrong with the coaching industry itself?

41

BULSHITOMETER First things first, how did we get here? The profession of life coaching finds its roots in the human potential movement of the 1960s and 1970s.

This movement was defined by its emphasis on personal growth, self-realization, and the exploration of life’s possibilities. It encouraged individuals to break free from limitations, delve into their inner selves, and actively pursue their goals and visions. It wasn’t until the 1980s that life coaching began to emerge as a full-time career. The field quickly gained momentum throughout the 90s and 2000s, rocketing self-help gurus like Bob Proctor and Tony Robbins to celebrity status. Coaching books debuted as bestsellers. Speaking events sold out. Coaching became the career to aspire to.

While the concept of life coaching is relatively modern, the desire for selfimprovement and the need for guidance in achieving it has existed throughout human history. In the past, we sought this support from our families and communities. Outside of our immediate circle, we relied on trusted authority figures like priests, shamans, village elders, fortune tellers, and witches. But as a strong sense of individualism overtook collective life, modern family and social structures thinned out, leaving us bereft of the inherent, inbuilt support systems so integral to our self-development and growth.

Welcome to late-stage capitalism, where emotional support and encouragement are commodified.

Instead of learning how to play nice with each other and develop deep long-lasting relationships, we’re pushed into career-focused trajectories, aspiring to earn more so we can pay someone to care about our problems. Today we have to pay for a listening ear.

To be allowed to merely sit around the fire with other (paying) ‘sisters’. We must pay to

42

gaze into each other’s eyes. One

(complete with plush villa, pool, expensive

relationship coach, who preferred

cocktails, and regular bottomless brunches),

to stay anonymous, suggested that

she needed to keep the income flowing.

coaches are healing broken families

Her work became less about helping people

and communities. Perhaps. To me,

and more about making sales. Today, she

it sounds like coaching contributes

finds herself disenchanted. “Most of my

to the problem more than it solves

working hours are spent making social

it. After all, if the industry was

media content and figuring out how else I

looking out for the emotional

can increase my visibility. This is not what I

needs of a disenfranchised society,

came here for. But I have bills to pay. It’s the

we would see more attempts at

same trap that held me in my corporate job

building genuine communities. In

for so long”.

reality, numerous group workshops, women’s circles, and Facebook and

You don’t see this side of ‘living the dream’

WhatsApp groups led by coaches

on a coach’s upbeat Instagram feed, which

tend to act merely as funnels

often presents, if not a lie, then at least a

towards more lucrative courses

carefully orchestrated show. While some

or 1-on-1 sales. And amidst the

are comfortable documenting their lives

growing competition making a sale (aka monetising your passion) is becoming a coaches’ main concern.

Taylor says she came to coaching naturally. She noticed that friends came to her for advice, and she was often complimented for being a good listener and sparking big life changes. A quick online course later, she became a Freedom Coach, guiding those who want to leave their full-time jobs in favour of the freelance dream. Her network of friends and friends-of-friends kept her going for well over a year. But as it ran dry, a hard reality hit. If Taylor were to keep funding her comfortable digital nomad life

BULSHITOMETER and churning out content on social

my upcoming goddess 1:1 mentorship. In

media, others feel they have to

an oversaturated market, coaches turn

compromise authenticity in order to

to survival tactics to keep turning out a

keep covering the bills. This is how we

client base. Aggressive sales techniques are

end up with identical-looking accounts

common. Pretty marketing slogans that

and offerings. Platforms are overrun

speak to your pain points, engaging videos,

with everyone following the same

and magnetic charm are all tools taught in

winning formula for making a sale.

the standard marketing courses for coaches.

It starts with a bio: I’m a ‘insert your

So remember, clicking with a coach might

specialisation’ helping ‘insert your

be genuine, or you might be hearing exactly

target audience’ with ‘insert the pain

what they want you to hear to agree to a

point’. And continues into ‘authentic

purchase.

shares’: Here’s me dancing all free and wild. Here’s me crying vulnerably.

Still struggling to stand out online? Go niche.

Here’s me being effortlessly sexy.

Coaches are taught that a narrower focus

And don’t forget an obligatory call

makes it easier to attract clients. Hence,

to action. Would you like to be like

the kids coaching, authenticity coaching,

me? Hurry up. Only 2 spaces left at

soul purpose coaching, time management coaching, confidence coaching, storytelling coaching. However, the division into these neatly defined specialisations is arbitrary and unrealistic. It’s a wild oversimplification to assume that our problems can be addressed in isolation, one by one. Just like issues with our physical bodies, psychological and behavioural difficulties are intricately related. And so a creativity coach finds themselves advising on clients’ mental health. A storytelling coach works with stage fright. An overwhelming majority of coaches I interviewed for this article, when pressed, admitted that they rarely decline a potential or refer an existing client. It’s hard to redirect money from your pocket, even with the understanding that, in many situations, the expertise of a trained therapist may be more appropriate.

Further, such abundance of help is

44

Many see coaching as a more hip cousin to therapy.

Stigmatised, therapy is for the broken ones. Coaching, meanwhile, is sold as a modern solution for sexy biohackers. confusing. In almost a decade of

become too goal-oriented! Chances

living in Bali, I’ve seen my fair share

are, you don’t need a coach to do better.

of spiritual and self-growth burnout.

Rather, you need to figure out why you

It’s like watching a dog chase its tail.

are obsessed with doing better. Learn

Constant bombardment with numerous

to cheer yourself on, to hold yourself

options for self-improvement plants the

accountable and keep yourself motivated.

idea that we should continuously seek

For some people, having a coach to

ways to enhance ourselves. In theory,

model these behaviours and have some

coaching is beautiful, isn’t it? It focuses

objective support navigating life is

on ‘unlocking a person’s potential to

sufficient. However, many experience

maximize their performance’, and

difficulties with these foundational skills

encourages clients to ‘acknowledge

as a symptom of a deeper underlying

their creativity and find their unique

issue. Engaging with niche coaching

solutions by developing self-awareness

gives clients the perception of making

and being goal-oriented’.

incremental progress while circling a fundamental and persistently overlooked

What’s not to like? However, we don’t

core issue. Lacking a deep knowledge of

ALWAYS need to be thinking about

psychology, coaches tend to stick a pretty

reaching our maximum potential.

band-aid on your problems and be done

If anything, we as a society have

with it. Isn’t that a waste of time and

45

BULSHITOMETER

Welcome to latestage capitalism, where emotional support and encouragement are commodified. money? Isn’t it frustrating and detrimental to one’s self-esteem to keep working around a problem that will only continue to resurface? Coaching clients often end up learning a couple of tricks and some psychological lingo (like ‘wounded child’ or ‘gaslighting’), then walk away genuinely believing they are, if not healed, then at least massively recovered.

Coaching purists maintain that it’s not the coaches’ job to fix the problem. Vix Anderton, a Bali-based perfectionism coach, proposes that coaching is more about how you get on with your life given the problem. What positive steps can you take right now? Coaches, she reminds, do not teach or advice, they ask open questions helping you to see blind spots.

However, she is a delightful minority. A quick search on social media shows that coaches do sell “healing”; they do promise to address the root of your problems and transform your life. And how many prospective clients are aware that coaches are not supposed to give advice or speak about their experiences? That coaching is

supposed to happen only through openended questions? Many see coaching as a more hip cousin to therapy. Stigmatised, therapy is for the broken ones. Coaching, meanwhile, is sold as a modern solution for sexy biohackers.

Interestingly, coaches often gravitate toward niches that mirror the very struggles they themselves are grappling with. This is problematic for several reasons. First, it seems that now people have a life experience, and then throw the word ‘coach’ in front of it. I went through a break-up. Now I’m a break-up coach. I had a baby (#blessed). I now help overwhelmed mums to thrive…

There is often a dangerous assumption that the client is the same as the coach. The “I-did-it-and-so-can-you” approach is inappropriate when it comes to something as complex as human behaviour. Encouraging clients to follow in your footsteps ignores potentially significant differences in neurology, biochemistry, upbringing, history, goals, and values. Second, coaches often end up saying what they themselves need to hear. I have had plenty of coaches coming for psychology sessions to help deal with an issue, while at the very same time promoting themselves as the solvers of that exact problem.

Which brings us to an interesting question: how ‘healed’ do you have to be to heal others? Can you teach solutions to the problems you’re actively struggling with?

47

BULSHITOMETER

Without anyone checking on you, would you be able to resist the temptation to fib here and white lie there if full disclosure carries a risk of losing the client and not making the rent this month?

Somewhat struggling with? Sometimes struggling

educate, train and monitor.

with? In the coaching industry, it’s all a grey

Yet the International Coach

area. Some say that former drug addicts make

Federation (ICF), one of the

the best recovery coaches. They intimately know

largest and most recognized

the pain, the pitfalls, and the relapses. Anna, a

coaching organisations

mindful nutrition coach, has struggled with eating

estimates that out of

disorders and occasionally relapses. In her mind,

approximately 4.38 million

“You only need to be one step further than your

coaches worldwide, only 71,000

client. Not even 3. When you are too far ahead, you

are certified. Less than 2%.

forget what it was like back then. You can’t relate

So why don’t more coaches

anymore. Being close to their pain makes me more

pursue certification? Perhaps

sensitive and able to help”. Perhaps whether or

due to skepticism about its

not this is acceptable hinges on disclosure. What

value and its associated costs.

if there is 100% transparency and consent? Is it

Many critics argue that ICF

okay then for the coach to be healing together with

and similar organisations

a client? Even if the answer is ‘YES’, how likely is

prioritize their financial

100% transparency given the high pressures of

gain by pushing expensive

making a living? Without anyone checking on you,

courses and accreditations.

would you be able to resist the temptation to fib

Moreover, some coaches find

here and white lie there if full disclosure carries

organisations like IFC overly

a risk of losing the client and not making the rent

prescriptive, limiting their

this month?

ability to provide personalized and effective help. “You are

The solution seems clear: such temptations are best

basically told which models

addressed by governing bodies who set standards,

to follow, which conversation

48

Once you complete a course created by another coach you will receive a certificate printed on their home printer. You can now officially proclaim yourself to be certified.

My husband is also certified. I once gave him a certificate for the honorary title The Silliest. Maybe we too should open our own school, the silly school, and mint certified silliness coaches. The saddest thing is, the silliness courses would probably sell.

Of course, nothing is black and white. While there are serious issues with the coaching industry, scripts to apply. How am I supposed to

working with a coach has the

help people, I mean really help, if I’m

potential to be profoundly life-

just regurgitating the same couple of

altering, or at least helpful in

lines I received in training?” asks Jenny,

addressing a particular issue.

a confidence coach, who received her

Tanya, a trauma coach, proposes

psychology training as part of her Masters

a Hole vs Mountain metaphor to

and PhD in psychology. “Besides, most

gauge whether coaching is right for

models are a joke. It’s usually some kind

you.

of simplified cognitive behavioral model with some power of positive thinking

If you find yourself in a hole of

thrown in.” Some courses offered by IFC

emotional distress, self-doubt,

are remarkable, but interestingly, the basic

or anxiety, a therapist might be a

coaching accreditation program lacks any

better choice because they’ll aid

mental health training. There is, however,

you in addressing the underlying

a marketing module. And so instead

issues. If you are already on solid

many turn to other seemingly successful

ground and would like to go higher,

coaches for training.

coaching can serve your needs well.

49

BULSHITOMETER

Then which coach to choose?

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer.

(insert the value that matters to

For some, recognised certification

you)? Do your definitions of and

is an important criterion. Others

reasons for this value match?

prefer coaches with an academic background, a guarantee that they

Are they selling their life as perfect?

endured years of rigorous training

Beware of FOMO-driven advertising

instead of a weekend course.

and larger-than-life social media personas. You might end up in a

Be clear about what you expect

‘Simon Says’ do-it-like-me dance.

from the coach. Do you want them to follow the purist model of

Watch out for the pressure to sign

coaching that allows only open-

up right then and there during

ended questions in sessions? Do

a free ‘discovery call’. Slow and

you want advice? Do you want

steady wins the race when it comes

to get to the root of the issue, or

to choosing a professional to work

do you need to take it slow?

with. Take your time and sleep on it. See if you still feel good about

Spend some time researching

the prospective coach a couple of

your options and clarifying your

days after the initial conversation.

needs. It also serves to spend some time observing the coach,

So yes, the coaching industry

being in their presence. Is this

seems to crumble upon a close

coach where you want to be? Are

examination and it might be

they happy/productive/honest

tempting to replace the purchase

50

of life coaching session with advice from your grandma, your cat, or even that fortune cookie you got last week. Picked at random, 9 out of 10 coaches will inspire more eye rolls than

FROM THE AUTHOR I received my Ph.D. degree in psychology with research focus on narcissism in Hong Kong, where I subsequently worked as a university lecturer and had a private

aha moments. However, as the

psychology practice. I’ve been a

experience of writing this article

regular contributor to various online

showed, there are some smart,

and print publications. Currently

honest and helpful coaches out

I’m finishing my first book ‘Gentle

there. I’d treat coaching like

alpha’, aimed at helping readers find

Tinder - if you know what you

their own rhythm towards success

want and don’t have a problem

and happiness.

swiping left for a firm no, you can find someone who can

IG: @drsitka

genuinely enhance your life.

51

52

A hot lesbian I’ve known for a year in Ubud wants me to do a motorcycle trip with her in Thailand. She says I don’t need to get the necessary foreign licence.

She’ll rent the bike and do all the driving. All I have to do is show up.

With lockdown followed by a visa that didn’t require me to leave this island for two years, I might be complacent in my Bali routine.

I’m getting irritated by things that used to make me feel lucky. In Indonesian there’s a saying for the need for fresh perspectives: cuci mata. Literally, to clean your eyes.

She wants to meet up in Phuket.

I always fancy an opportunity for Thai street food, but I’m not sold. Why leave Bali to go to another holiday island I’m assuming is also crowded?

She amps-up the convincing.

Names all the bridges from Phuket to the mainland we can take on our adventure. I want to like this idea, yet there’s a strong resistance in my body about going.

Mentally, I berate myself. A motorcycle trip with a like-minded chick? Come on. Spontaneously responding to the road is how I love to travel too. I don’t know when I’ll have the next chance to do something like this with a friend.

At the Phuket airport I get a local sim card and find a taxi-van mere minutes before departure. The only seat left is next to luggage piled precariously up to my neck. But the claustrophobia I fight for seventy plus minutes is mostly caused by what’s outside this vehicle. It’s overwhelming.

53

LAUGHING MATTERS

Hotels, malls, nightclubs, bars, massage

To call this scooter small is an

parlors, tchotchke stalls, cannabis stores

understatement. Not only is it pinker than

et al are sandwiched on the sidewalks

something Barbie would drive, it could

with no space to breathe. More cement

have been made by toy manufacturer,

buildings colonize anything green,

Fischer Price. I’ve seen sewing machines

endlessly stacked up the hills to their

with more power. Could two people even

peaks. It’s south Bali in a sugar bowl.

make it up a hill on this thing? How

Thank the gods we’re not staying.

would we get out of Patong? I imagined exploring, vibrating behind this lesbian

As the last person dropped off, I may

at top speed, spitting her long hair as it

have already seen the worst of it here.

whipped across my teeth. This not my

Then I notice my friend, pulling up on the

dyke on bike fantasy!

motorcycle she’s rented for our road trip. I laugh, thinking I’m being punked.

No. Picking me up on this ‘motorcycle’ is not a hilarious, practical joke. I’m so confused, I barely have the strength to

“I’m so confused, I barely have the strength to sling on my backpack and slide onto her junior Scoopy. Under my ass, the seat feels like a thong”.

sling on my backpack and slide onto her junior Scoopy. Under my ass, the seat feels like a thong.

It gets worse.

With salt seemingly saved for the wound, most of the street fare here is tasteless. In my experience, bad Thai food in Thailand is rare. Not in this tourist trap. Could the recent legalization of ganja be a culprit?

There’s an unsustainable glut of multiple cannabis shops on every block. Not that I don’t enjoy a little smoke, but if everyone in this town is stoned, and eating with the munchies, could that explain the paltry demand for better food?

The fun novelty of drag shows, and hookers of all genders dancing on bars near a filthy beach quickly wears off.

54

It’s time for a big girl bike that doesn’t come with training wheels, and an awkward talk.

When I gently mention again that being stuck somewhere is not what we discussed, she gives me another ‘lights on, nobody home’ blank stare.

Did I invent the freewheeling fast and furious road trip in my head? I re-read all of our text exchanges. Conflicting travel style was a big point of contention in my marriage. My ex would enthusiastically agree to do something, then find sneaky ways to back out. How did I end up in this hideous deja-vu?

Fortunately, not far, there’s a cleaner beach. I’m thrilled to finally want to get in the ocean. Within a few strokes of a much-needed swim, something encases my arm. It stings a bit. Like molten lava.

Screaming, I run out of the water and dash for a bush. A guy from beach patrol catches me midcontortion, desperately trying to pee on the burn.

He smiles and hands me some vinegar.

Seasoned travelers hone certain instincts we come to rely on. Something in my gut tried to warn me about this trip. The body doesn’t lie. There’s no agenda. I so wanted to believe that this woman and I were on the same page, I mistakenly chose to ignore it.

With fresh eyes, I’m grateful to return to the home I’ve made in Bali. Perhaps beyond a change of scenery, I needed a reminder to trust the body’s wisdom. Looking down at my arm, the ghostly tattoo from a sea creature’s toxic tentacles is no longer visible, but I suspect this cuci mata may permanently scar.

56

LAUGHING MATTERS

57

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58

Stay sharp!

Irish karaoke queen going sober.

BY SAOIRSE RAFFERTY I’ve always been the last one standing on a night out. I have a reputation of hogging the karaoke microphone and believing I’m a better dancer than Beyoncé. Though I may have been labeled the life of the party after a few too many drinks, I’m actually an introvert at heart. Traveling solo pushed me to face some uncomfortable truths about myself. I love my own company, but I don’t always love myself in social settings. I realised I want to be someone who can attend a party alone without needing to be surrounded by a gang of people drunker than myself. Without needing to be drunk at all.

After a boat trip to Gili T ended with me walking home from a night out barefoot alongside the sunrise, unable to retrieve the only shoes I’d brought with me, then being thanked by people in the hostel for a great night of entertainment, I decided I was fed up with downing shots as a form of bonding and entertaining to make friends. I wanted to be okay with ME, not just with what people thought of me.

It was uncomfortable at first – it always is. It felt weird going to a bar for a drink (singular) alone while there were cliques laughing at nearby tables. My mum told me it used to be frowned upon for a woman to sit at a bar alone in Catholic Ireland, never mind order a pint of Guinness. Yet here I was judgement-free at a bar in Bali, still feeling judged.

61

If I have to down alcohol to have fun, the reality is I’m probably not having fun.

BRANCH OUT IN BALI

I decided attending a sober rave was a safe starting point for shaking the shame away and diving outside my comfort zone.

At least it wasn’t the sort of raves I’d grown accustomed to, where everyone was incapable of seeing or speaking. Any Sundays we spent together were huddled up

You can choose courage or you can choose comfort.

You cannot have both.

in blankets hiding behind pulled curtains. Here, people gathered

“Have you done this before?” Based on her

together for a morning of ecstatic

expression, it was clear I’d insulted her.

dancing on a rooftop overlooking

“I come here every week,” she responded

the ocean. The only sober

before dancing in the opposite direction.

gathering I’d attended on a Sunday

I then saw a girl paler than I was and

morning was Catholic mass, and

could recognize the Irish in her. I greeted

that definitely didn’t involve bodies

her like she was an old friend, then was

tangling up.

interrupted by a tall guy who decided to take on the role of security. He signaled a

I was so nervous as I stood alone

‘hush’ to remind us we were meant to ‘stay

amidst a crowd of a hundred or so

silent’ on the dancefloor. I was completely

people on the rooftop dancefloor,

stripped of my social crutches. Apparently

regretting my choice of gym shorts

nobody came here to make friends or chat;

and a tank top. Nobody could have

they were here for themselves.

prepared me for the attractive men and how confident they all were.

Enchanted by the DJ crooning some

At home, Irish men only enter the

magical words about letting go, I closed

dancefloor if they’ve gotten lost on

my eyes. All the while feeling like an

the way back from the toilet.

imposter amongst all these exotic sexy

They wouldn’t voluntarily move

people moving so joyfully. I wished I could

to the music, especially while

be more like them. I opened my eyes as the

engaging with the opposite sex in

music got progressively faster, and couldn’t

broad daylight. Next to me was

help but observe the people around me

a girl wearing a two-piece red

making poses that seemed too advanced for

outfit, jewels stuck to her chest

any yoga class I’d ever been to. They would

and glitter painted along her cheek

look ridiculous on a night out in Ireland,

bones. I braved myself to ask

but why was I the one feeling ridiculous?

63

BRANCH OUT IN BALI As I relaxed more into the beat of the

Amidst the long queue of rambunctious

bongos, an epiphany smacked me in the

groups and loved-up couples, I found

face: none of them were looking at me. They

myself next to a lady who smiled politely

weren’t looking at anyone. Just like the

at me. ‘Are you here on your own?’ I asked.

‘hushhh’ guy was trying to tell me, everyone

“Yeah, my friend was supposed to come

seemed very much into themselves, their

with me but backed out. Felt a bit weird

own bodies. So why did I care so much when

coming to a gig alone,” she responded in

none of them seemed to care? I threw my

such a soft tone I’d to lean closer to hear

arms in the air and my heart leaped with

her. “No, me too!” I said excitedly. “Except

joy as I let myself feel a part of the tribe,

without the friend part.” We both laughed

twirling freely and clapping along to the

and bonded over why we often let fear

music.

block us from going to something we’d enjoy, especially when it’s the fear of what

Soon after my first sober rave experience,

others will think. “People presume you’re

I attended a gig at Old Man’s on my own. I

lonely when you go to things alone but

felt crippled with nerves, even though it was

I like the freedom of traveling alone,” I

to see a musician I loved. Cringing at my

shared with her. We had a great night, and

reflection in the mirror before leaving the

instead of my customary shots, I sipped on

house that night, I reminded myself, ‘You

a single beer while taking in the music.

are enough as you are.’

64

They would look ridiculous on a night out in Ireland, but why was I the one feeling ridiculous?

Since then I’ve done months of no

fancy restaurant on your own, I dare you

alcohol to prove to myself that I

to give it a go. As Brene Browne says, “You

don’t need it to enjoy myself. But I’ve

can choose courage or you can choose

also learnt I’m able to enjoy a pint of

comfort. You cannot have both. ” I choose

Guinness without using it as my social

courage every time. What about you?

crutch. If I have to down alcohol to have fun, the reality is I’m probably not having fun. I still have a long way

FROM THE AUTHOR

to go before engaging in an intimate

First of all, my name is

dance with a stranger, but attending

pronounced ‘Seer-sha’ (I’m Irish

sober raves several times has helped me

if you hadn’t already guessed). I

feel more confident being in crowded

like to talk about the messiness

rooms.

of being human and why it’s okay to be a beginner. I am a travel

So if something inside of you is

enthusiast, writer, podcaster,

whispering ‘I wish I could do that’, I’m

book-lover, dog lover, cat lover,

here to tell you that you can! If you’re

and, as of lately, risk-taker. I have

always surrounded by the same people,

just finished my first novel and am

how are you ever going to meet new

working on the second.

people? If you’re always relying on alcohol for socializing, how will you

Check out

ever know if you’re actually enjoying it?

agoodkindofscary.com

Yes, it’ll be scary, but the more you do

or follow

it, the more you’ll learn to enjoy your

@agoodkindofscary

own company. Whether it’s going sober

on Instagram.

at a party or just eating dinner at a 65

66

Taking a Booze Break in Bali where to start?

BY JO FERBRACHE

Bali, an island paradise, offers endless

While the benefits of an alcohol-free

adventures, vibrant nightlife, and

lifestyle are undeniable, it’s important to

unforgettable experiences. And they all

acknowledge the moments that can test you,

seem to come with of a few beers here, a

especially during travel and celebrations.

couple of cocktails there. If you’re looking

The clinking of glasses and the anticipation

to step away from the boozy scene and

can be enticing. Habitual moments of

embrace a healthier, alcohol-free lifestyle,

celebration, like birthdays, weddings, and

here’s a quick guide to help you get

festive holidays, often revolve around toasts

started.

and clinking glasses.

Lead me not into temptations…

These situations can be particularly

It’s impossible to ignore it; alcohol is

challenging. The allure of a cocktail on a

everywhere, from beach bars to tiki torch-

night out or a champagne toast at a wedding

lit parties. To help you with temptations

may seem hard to resist. But remember,

focus not on the challenge of abstaining

these moments are also an opportunity to

but on the benefits you gain. Think of the

redefine your relationship with celebration.

money saved, the improved health, and

What is celebration at its core? What other

the clarity of mind, all while creating

ritual can you create? How else can you

unforgettable memories. You are in Bali

treat yourself? I am now most proud to

after all with many healthy alternatives

choose sobriety precisely during social

- from fresh juices and coconuts to Jamu,

celebrations. These moments offer the

Kombuchas, and mocktails. These can all

chance for growth and empowerment on

be enjoyed without the dreaded hangover,

my terms. Try, and you will discover the

ensuring you wake up fresh after a night

true strength of being mindful and loyal to

out - The Sober Smug Face is real.

yourself in everything you do.

67

BRANCH OUT IN BALI How to Prepare Preparation is key to a successful alcohol-free night out. Start by doing your research. Explore venue menus to discover tasty, non-alcoholic drink options. Bali’s mixology scene has embraced the alcohol-free trend, offering creative concoctions that will tantalise your taste buds.

Consider joining a mocktail-making class for added fun. Remember those carefree days of singing, dancing, laughing, and chatting with friends without relying on alcohol? Reconnect with your inner child and stop worrying about what others might think. Stepping out of your comfort zone becomes addictive over time, and you’ll find yourself doing things you never thought possible.

Handling Booze Bullies Stay firm in your decision to remain alcoholfree. Politely decline if someone insists on you drinking, and always prioritise your well-being. Everyone is different, and what works for one may not work for another.

Initially, some may push you to change your mind, but as they witness the positive transformations in your life, their resistance may wane, and they might even become curious about the sober lifestyle themselves.

If your current circle doesn’t respect your choices, seek out those who do.

We’ve all been the lone sober one amidst a sea of tipsy revelers. Instead of feeling out of place, seize the opportunity. You’ll get to hear and keep secrets, solve unexpected ridiculous problems and document dance floor battles. And when tipsy friends start to slur and repeat themselves, it’s time to gracefully make your exit. Plan a fun nourishing morning after for your boozy group, and you’ll be indispensible.

68

What might we discover about ourselves when we choose to confront our pains, without the veil of alcohol?

Rethink the Role of Alcohol It’s essential to pause and reflect on the role alcohol plays in our lives, particularly during nights out. As we navigate the complexities of our past traumas and present challenges, let us ask ourselves - Is alcohol truly the answer to our need for escape, or can we find healthier ways to heal and connect with others? Perhaps the time has come for collective introspection to reconsider our relationship with alcohol and explore alternative paths to real self-discovery and resilience. After all, in a world where we are all uniquely shaped by our experiences, the question remains - What truly helps us heal, and what might we discover about ourselves when we choose to confront our pains, without the veil of alcohol?

You’ve got this!

FROM THE AUTHOR Jo Ferbrache, known as “Sober Jo,” is a certified mindset coach, EFT practitioner, and alcohol-free advocate. Since January 1st, 2019, she’s been inspiring others to embrace a joyful, booze-free life.

Follow her journey and gain insightful inspiration at soberjo.com and @realsoberjo

69

Ubud Writers and Readers Festival: Fostering an Artistic Community

BY SAOIRSE RAFFERTY

Ubud Writers & Readers Festival celebrated its 20th anniversary with an impressive lineup of diverse artists and activists, from Booker Prize winner Bernardine Evaristo to Indonesian songwriter Kartika Jahja. Throughout these past 20 years, there has been plenty of political conflict, natural disasters & war happening around the world, but each year this special community of artists gathers with a shared love of creating art and change.

What makes UWRF stand out is its unique sense of inclusion. The lines between the stage and audience blurred; the microphone was passed around and guest speakers were often found in the crowd, mingling and enjoying the talks of other writers. At the open mics, acclaimed published poets read alongside aspiring local artists. The title of ‘writer’ wasn’t viewed as a superior achievement only the elite could earn; everyone involved in the festival was a part of this community of artists, making the possibility of publication feel tangible. Very inspiring indeed!

71

Scottish poets Hollie McNish and Michael Pedersen were mingling amidst the crowd.

The duo travels to many different festivals and events worldwide, earning an income from gigs and tours. They feel it’s unhealthy to put all of your financial and personal pressure on one book making it big, so they invest their time in multiple projects.

“It’s not just how many people buy your book or attend the event. Everywhere you go is an opportunity to gain followers and connect with more people,” says Hollie, who has a large social media following.

Many writers spend their lifetime hunched over a laptop screen creating stories, hopelessly drowning in rejection emails and quietly suffering through the obligatory writer’s block. What we learned at the festival is that it is so worth it to get out and connect.

Irish author Megan Nolan and Indonesian author Dias Novita Wuri started their writing careers while networking and reading at literary events. Both believed it was ‘luck’ that they happened to bump into a person who accelerated their writing careers.

Networking and attending community events seems just as important, if not more than spamming publishers’ inboxes. Megan spent all of her free time at events volunteering to read. Dias started out writing short stories for newspapers before she wrote her first novel. She is close friends with other writers whom she exchanges work with: “You can both hold each other accountable and celebrate those wins together.”

72

ART ZONE

“I didn’t belong and I didn’t care because I didn’t want to belong”.

Bernardine Evaristo So how do you go about finding ‘your people’ or becoming a part of a creative community?

Booker Prize winner Bernardine Evaristo encourages everyone to create the community they crave if it’s not possible to find one. She has lived her life in an unconventional way and gladly embraces being an ‘outsider’. Instead of resisting her identity or becoming a victim, she immersed herself in activism. She cofounded the Theatre of Black Women, and even though they were struggling financially , she devoted her time and creative energy to it because it was something she was passionate about. She wore distinctive, colorful clothes and lived cheaply, prioritizing travel and community. All of these choices helped feed her creativity. So instead of needing success and publication to happen immediately, consider allowing the inevitable dips and changes in your life, and weaving them into your creative process. Focus on your reason why instead of stressing about a timeline.

Even though we can never fully grasp what it’s like to be in another’s shoes, this year’s Ubud Writers & Readers Festival opened doors and helped us travel between the past, present, and future, amongst various cultures and time periods.

73

ART ZONE

We were able to take a closer look at

reminder to stay persistent and build

the suffering many have undergone

resilience as writers. But also to

and discuss the current conflicts

make sure that we leave our desks,

happening around the world. During

leave our houses, and get involved in

the talk on the ongoing Israeli-

communities with people who share

Palestinian conflict, the room was

our passions. And after the festival

so crowded that audience members

we were glad to come home to our

were sitting on the floor and leaning

Women Who Write community,

against walls, but everyone held

swap notes from our favorite

space in complete silence for what

festival of the year, and to continue

speakers Michael Vatikiotis and

our artistic journeys together.

Anthony Lowenstein had to share. The solidarity and compassion in the room was palpable in the quietly serious air.

During the four-day festival, individual attendees became a collective ‘we’, remembering the importance of community in the writers’ journey but also throughout life. We need people to brainstorm ideas with, to celebrate the wins and to share the struggles.

People to compete against and to hold us accountable. People we can trust and who feel safe. Author Jill Dawson started writing in a male-dominated industry, and was uneasy sharing her work. “It is daring to speak out publicly when you’re unsure if you’ll be listened to. At Ubud Writers & Readers Festival, I always feel it’s a safe community where I’ll be heard.”

Overall, the festival was a great

74

“Networking and attending community events seems just as important, if not more than spamming publishers’ inboxes”.

BALI INSIDER

Inklusiv Warung

CULINARY CRUSADERS OF INCLUSIVITY.

BY ALIFASHEILA DINDARA DAYU

Now more than ever, Canggu is bursting with unforgettable dining experiences. This month we’d like to highlight Inklusiv Warung, a place that not only serves quality food, but is also helping to deconstruct harmful prejudices.

With an impressive line-up of some pretty unique performances and events, Inklusiv Warung Restaurant has excellent food and social change in a fun atmosphere. These guys are on a culinary crusade to break down barriers and change the world, one delicious dish at a time.

Inklusiv Warung Restaurant is committed to providing opportunities for the deaf and queer communities. Here, you see rockstars in the making. The restaurant gives the employees a stage to shine, creating a dining experience like no other. “The idea to open Inklusiv Warung Restaurant dawned on us in 2017. This is our project to empower minority communities,” said Gunn Wibisono, who cofounded the restaurant with his partner, Hans de Waal. Gunn and Hans recently opened another health-conscious restaurant LowCal, where they also employ Deaf waitstaff.

“As recently as 2022, only 2% of Indonesians answered that they saw homosexuasility as justifiable”.

77

Here at Inklusiv Warung Restaurant

queen performances celebrate

the employees aren’t just working;

self-expression and identity with

they’re thriving. From mastering the

some great deliberately over-the-top

art of food preparation to providing

performances. You can also enjoy

impressive customer service, the

a splash of culture with Inklusiv

restaurant ensures that its staff are

Warung Restaurant’s Balinese dance

equipped with the skills they need

shows.

to succeed. ‘Sometimes we must remind the Hearing employees to

The restaurant’s food is the icing

actively use Indonesian Sign Language

on the cake (or should we say, the

either when communicating with

chili on the satay?). Inklusiv Warung

their Deaf colleagues or even among

Restaurant’s menu is like a global

themselves,’ said Gunn. Inklusiv

flavor tour with a mix of local and

Warung Restaurant is actively involved

international flavors. We especially

with the deaf community by hosting

loved the nasi campur rendang, a

sign language classes and workshops.

classic Indonesian dish and spaghetti

Customers and staff connect on

marinara.. Each bite was a tasty

a deeper level, breaking down

adventure, making every meal at

communication barriers and building

Inklusiv Warung Restaurant a simple

a more welcoming society.

delight that’ll leave you smiling.

Inklusiv Warung Restaurant hired Ade

Inklusiv Warung isn’t just a restaurant;

Wirawan, a proud Deaf activist, as their

it’s a full-fledged celebration of life. It’s

human resources manager. Ade said

a place where fun and flavor unite to

he is excited for the eatery to bridge the

create a world that’s more open, more

gap between the Deaf and the Heares.

joyful, and definitely more delicious.

The restaurant hosts a variety of events that showcase the diverse talents of the local queer community. As recently as 2022, only 2% of Indonesians answered that they saw homosexuality as justifiable (World Values Survey).

Many Indonesian LGBT activists receive brutal backlash and death threats in response to speaking out about their identity. In a country where queer folks have very few rights and protections, Inklusiv offers a space for community and joy. Karaoke nights are a hit, bringing out the inner diva in everyone.

And speaking of divas, the drag 78

FROM THE A UTHOR From a very young age, singing, dancing and writing has been a passion of mine. I love to share it with everyone around me.

Get in touch on IG: @sheiladayu_

BALI INSIDER

OPEN PAGES

Celebrating female voices Would you like to get featured on our Open Pages?

Submitting to magazines is a great way to break into the publishing world. Ɣ Practice sharpening your pitches Ɣ Get your work seen by a large audience Ɣ Benefit from notes and feedback by experienced authors and editors…

Submit to Modern Women Bali OPEN PAGES - our literary open mic.

We are inviting creative writing submissions for the prompt Stop it. It can be a poem or a short story, a song or even drawing.

A winning piece selected by our editorial team will appear in Issue 2 of our magazine, and will be prominently featured on Modern Women Bali social media.

Word count: 800 words max Submit to: modernwomenbali@gmail.com Submit by: 1 March 2023

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