Modern Fae, Season 1, Chapter 2: The Clio-stomer Isi Always Right

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Modern Fae, Chapter 2: The Clio-stomer Isi Always Right Scene 1 [Diya’s house] (An alarm clock goes off, follow by some muffled groans and muttering from Diya, slamming sound as she turns off the clock, creaking of a bed as she sits up, a few seconds silence, and then her phone rings) DIYA (muttering before she answers it) I’m not late yet, why’s he calling…? (Putting on her talking-to-customers voice) Yes, Mr. Enki! What’s up? ENKI I need you in at once, my dear! I know you were supposed to start in two hours, but something has come up, please arrive as soon as you possibly can! Chaos awaits! (He hangs up) DIYA I-what? (She groans as she stands up) (Deeply sarcastically) I’m so glad things are off to such a great start. DIYA Modern Fae, Chapter 2: The Clio-stomer Isi Always Right (Click of a recorder turning on, some static) DIYA In what I’m sure is not a sign that I made the wrong choice in moving down here on a whim, my new boss has called me in two hours early on my first day at work, so that’s...fantastic. Loving this already. (Another groan) Aaaaand I forgot to get coffee. Okay, guess I’ll drop in on that cafe across from the Fount on my way in. Not to be that person, but they better have cold-brew… (static, recorder turns off) (sounds of Diya walking, a car honking, and birds chirping/dog barking as we fade in on her ending a conversation on the phone)


...Anyway, yeah, there’s a crack in the doorjamb on the back door, I’m pretty sure it’s letting in ants and stuff, the kitchen was full of bugs last night.


AOIFE (crackly as on the phone, a sigh) yeah, I’ll make sure to fix it today, sorry about that. DIYA Thanks, Aoife, have a good--

(rustling of bushes and Tik and Tok emerge) TIK and TOK (simultaneously) WASSUP, DEE DIYA --GAH, what the hell. AOIFE Is everything alright? DIYA Yeah, it’s fine, just those kids you told me to avoid. Thanks for coming in today. (She hangs up) (To the twins) Just leave me alone, can you do that? TIK NO I CANNOT JUST DO THAT. I will have your name, DEE, just give it to me. It’s totally easier that way. TOK She’s, like, not even worth it though...all that uncertainty, she’d be tough to chew. DIYA I’m not uncert--ugh, why am I even trying to explain myself to you? Leave me alone, or I’ll call your parents. I’m sure Aoife has their number. TIK and TOK

(simultaneous laughing) (Diya quickly walks away). Scene 2 [The Bean There, Done That coffeehouse] DIYA “Bean There, Done That Coffee”...Clever. (tinkle of bell as door opens, footsteps as Diya approaches the counter. The barista, MUSTARDSEED, greets her. NARCISSUS says nothing.) MUSTARDSEED Hi there! You’re the person who just moved into town, right? Hey, ‘Cissus, it’s the newbie from across the street! NARCISSUS ‘Sup, I guess. MUSTARDSEED Ignore him. What can I get you? DIYA Ha, yeah, I just got here on Friday. Can I get a 12 ounce cold-brew, please? MUSTARDSEED Sure thing! So what made you come down here, huh? We don’t see many new folks moving in. DIYA Oh, I actually got a job managing the bookstore. I needed, um, a change of pace. MUSTARDSEED Ah, I see...well, you wouldn’t be the first. So you’re working with those old farts over there, then? DIYA Old…? I’m sorry, who d’you mean? MUSTARDSEED I mean, Enki and Isi are old af, aren’t they? And Clio, phew, she’s not much younger, y’know?

DIYA Uhhh, they seemed pretty, um, youthful to me? I guess Mr. Enki is an older guy, but he seems pretty spry, and Clio and Isimud are like my age? MUSTARDSEED (Awkward pause) ...Uh, yeah. You’re right. (Laughs nervously) Soooo one cold-brew coming up! (Sounds of coffee-making) There ya go...sorry, I didn’t catch your name? DIYA Thanks. Di--, uh, just Dee is fine. And you? MUSTARDSEED Mustardseed, at your service. Good luck over there, wrangling all those books. DIYA Thank you...Mustardseed. See you around…’Cissus? (Footsteps, door opening and closing) MUSTARDSEED Wonder how long this one’ll last. (No response from Narcissus) Oh, for goodness’ sake, ‘Cissus, stop polishing the espresso machine. You can go a day without a mirror NARCISSUS (Highly offended) Excuse me? Scene 3 [The Fount Bookstore] (Sound of door opening and closing, footsteps) CLIO Okay, now just put those six on top for the spire. ISIMUD I don’t think that’s gonna work, Clio…

DIYA Hey, good morn-CLIO AH WHAT THE-ISIMUD CAREFUL IT’S-(Sounds of bookmarks all falling down onto the ground) CLIO Rest in pieces, bookmark castle. We barely knew you. Hi Dee, wassup? ISIMUD 45 minutes, gone to waste. Ah, well. Just know it isn’t your fault, Dee, this was always meant to be, really. Nothing lasts in this world. DIYA (Honestly does not know what to make of all of this) ...Uh, okay. Sorry about the...bookmark castle. How are you both doing? CLIO Oh, y’know, Mondays! (Loud laugh) I see you went to Bean There, did you see Mustardseed, did she ask about me? Did she say good things or did she just seem indifferent? DIYA Um, I guess? She asked me about working here and stuff… CLIO I think she’s really cute. Do you think she would say yes if I asked her out? ISIMUD Clio has been crushing on her since last year and asks me if she should ask her out at least twice a day. Personally, I think ‘Cissus is cuter but he’s also a jerk. How are you doing, Dee? DIYA Better, now I have coffee. Mr. Enki said it was urgent that I get here early, what’s up?

ISIMUD Wish I knew. He yelled something about an infestation of roaches in the storeroom and then ran down there and hasn’t been up since. DIYA Uh, okay. Are we ready to open in 20 minutes? CLIO Oh yeah, sure, not much to do, really. DIYA Shouldn’t we...clean up these bookmarks? CLIO Yeah, you’re prooooobably right. (Sounds of feet and paper shuffling, and then pounding footsteps coming up stairs and a door banging open) ENKI Ah, excellent, Ms. Greenberg, you’re here! DIYA Good morning, Mr. Enki, I-ENKI No time for formalities, my dear! I must dash--watch the shop and make sure that every customer leaves satisfied! I will give you an update later! (footsteps and door opening and closing) DIYA Update me on WHAT…? (Turning to Clio and Isi) Update me on what? The roach situation? CLIO Maybe. Could be anything, really. He’s just like this, y’know. DIYA ...Okay. Scene 4 [Diya’s bungalow]

(Sound of drill and Aoife grunting)

AOIFE (muttering to herself) That should do it. I don’t get how it got cracked in the first place… (she groans as she gets to her feet) Should probably check the front door too, just in case. (Footsteps) (Tik and Tok are at the front door, talking rapid-fire) TOK Just let me get on your shoulders and push it off with the stick, the horseshoe won’t, like, touch you. TIK Why do you always get on my shoulders. Like...uncool. TOK Cuz you’re not wearing hoop earrings, dude. Look, I promised you first dibs on her stuff when we get in. TIK Fine. (Scuffle as Tok climbs on their shoulders, a scratch and clunk as the horseshoe is pushed off the nail above the front door) AOIFE What the hell do you two think you’re doing?? (Pause) TOK Is that, like, a rhetorical question. TIK We’re trying to break into Dee’s house to surprise her and steal her name. Is that not obvious? AOIFE GET. OUT.

TOK For the record, Tik did it and this was their idea. TIK HEY. AOIFE I don’t care about which one of you came up with the idea, just...leave Dee out of it! TOK She sure is out of it, she, like, has no idea what we are! Or you! AOIFE Scram, kids, I mean it. TIK AND TOK (In unison, Terminator impression) WE’LL BE BACK. (sound of scrabbling footsteps as they scamper away) AOIFE (sighs) I swear, those two...Guess I need more horseshoes. And salt. Lots of salt. Scene 5 [The Fount Bookstore] (sound of register opening and closing) DIYA Thank you for coming in today! (Footsteps, door opening and closing) (Sarcastically) Sooo, are things always this busy? ISIMUD (Completely missing her tone) This was...not busy, Dee? There have been, like, 2 people all day. DIYA (Sighing) I--Yes, I know, Isi, I was being sarcastic. Do you ever get more customers than that?

CLIO Oh yes, we get lots of customers usually. Tons, really. I think they’re avoiding us right now because they don’t know what to make of you. Cuz you’re new to town ‘n all. I don’t think that’s very chill of them--personally, I think you’re great. Right, Isi? ISIMUD Yeah, you are pretty nice, I would say. You’re a much nicer boss than Enki. And our last boss. DIYA (Somewhat flattered) Well, I’m glad I’m working here, and that I met you both. What happened with your last manager, though? CLIO Oh, he died. Got on the wrong side of-ISIMUD (Coughs loudly) The wrong side of the road! Got hit by a car. Real tragedy. It was very sad.

DIYA Oh, yeah, that’s awful! I’m so sorry for your loss… CLIO Yes, it was not great. But he shouldn’t have crossed-ISIMUD The road! He crossed the road in a bad place. DIYA (Somewhat suspiciously) What are you not telling me? CLIO N-nothing. It’s really not important. Our last manager was just...incautious. Very different from you. Just be careful and you’ll be okay. DIYA I mean, you have to know how ominous that sounds, right?

CLIO Hey, it’s just good, general advice. Everyone should always be careful at all times. DIYA ...I guess. So you’re telling me that the weird feeling I have about this whole town is misplaced? ISIMUD Oh, Encrucijada is certainly weird. Without a doubt. But you’re the one who moved down here out of nowhere. CLIO Yeah, what the hell possessed you to do that? DIYA (Sighing. Might as well get this over with) Without going into the nitty gritty details...I had a bad break-up and then was fired. Within like 3 days. I just needed a change, and I saw Mr. Enki’s ad online and applied on a whim. I guess I just thought that anywhere would be better than back in Denver, y’know? CLIO Ahhh, I’m so sorry, Dee. That really sucks. ISIMUD Yeah, that’s rough. Why’d you get fired, though? You seem like a person any place would be lucky to have. DIYA (Taken aback by their kind words) Thanks, guys. I, uh. I punched a co-worker. CLIO (Impressed) Damn, girl! What’d they do? DIYA Well, he kind of...blackmailed me. Threatened to out me as bi to the whole department. So I punched him and got fired anyway. (A pause) ISIMUD

I am so, so sorry. Hu-people are assholes. CLIO (Both sympathetic and in awe) That is truly awful. But also, you’re a badass. DIYA (Laughing sadly) First time anyone’s ever told me that. (Pause) Well, it’s past closing, everything seems to be in order, so I’m going to head out. I might be a bit late tomorrow, so can you open up? CLIO and ISIMUD Yeah, sure.

Scene 6 [Diya walking home, talking into her recorder] DIYA There’s definitely something that people aren’t telling me. It feels like it might be, like, gang- or mob-related? But I don’t know. Thus far, even though there’s some weird--really weird--stuff, people seem nice. I really like Aoife, and Clio and Isi are growing on me. They’re kooky, and love building stuff with the books, but they’re cool and fun to talk with. I think things are gonna be good here, on the whole. (Recorder cuts out) Scene 7 [Diya arriving at The Fount the next morning] (Door opening and closing) DIYA Clio, Isi, I got coff--OUCH! (Sound of something smacking into Diya’s head) What the hell?? CLIO Oh, no, Dee, I am so sorry!! We were, um, we’re playing horseshoes with Atlas Shrugged. DIYA I...why?

ISIMUD Well, Ayn Rand is so unpleasant and we really don’t like her themes-DIYA No, I mean, I know that but...why are you throwing books around?? CLIO (clearly shrugging) Just seemed like a fun thing to do before opening up. DIYA ...We were supposed to open 15 minutes ago, I asked you to open up without me yesterday… ISIMUD Whoops.

DIYA (Deep sigh) Okay, just...just clean all of this up and reshelve these books and I’ll open up. CLIO Yes, ma’am! DIYA (Temper beginning to rise) Ugh, thanks. Scene 8 [The Fount] (Diya is dealing with two customers at once) DIYA We don’t take personal checks, I’m sorry, ma’am. And sir, it will just take a second to see if we have a copy. If not I can order one for you, if you would like? CUSTOMER 1 I use checks for everything though, and I don’t have cash! DIYA We take all major credit cards… CLIO

(from across the store) ...Mustardseed and Narcissus are working today. I think maybe I’ll ask her out today. ISIMUD You say that every day. CUSTOMER 2 I need this book now! I can’t wait for you to order it! Can’t you just check in back if you have a copy? DIYA Just a second, sir, like I said...Ma’am, do you have a card you can use to pay for this? CUSTOMER 1 (Begrudgingly) Fine, here. (Sound of card swipe, beeps, and also of the door opening and another person coming in) DIYA Hello, welcome to The Fount! My associates will be right with you! Clio? Isi? ISIMUD ...I just don’t think you’ll ever have the guts to go ask her. CLIO I’ll show you, I’ll do it right no-CUSTOMER 3 Excuse me, where are your books on the history of witchcraft? CLIO Yeah, uh, they’re over there somewhere… DIYA (finishing her interaction with the first customer) Okay, thank you, ma’am, have a nice day. Sir, can you please remind me of the title? CUSTOMER 2 “A History of the Courts,” by René Willow...please do try to keep up!

DIYA (Clearly at the very end of her patience) Sir, I can only deal with so many things at once. I will check if we have a copy in the back. (footsteps, door opening and closing, gasp from Diya) DIYA How’d--How’d I not know how big this place was?? (Muttering to herself) Alright...Willow, Willow...Winder, Wimble… (thump of book hitting the ground) Jeez-that shelf must be broken, great. But--“A History of the Courts!” That’s lucky. (More footsteps and door opening and closing as she hurries back out into…) DIYA WHAT ARE YOU DOING? CLIO Bookstore ping pong! Using copies of Hamlet! The question isn’t “to be or not to be”... (sounds of a book hitting a ping pong ball, and then someone’s head) The question is how hard am I gonna kick your ass. CUSTOMER 3 OUCH. ISIMUD To be… DIYA STOP. ISIMUD (muttered) ...Or not to be. DIYA (To customer 3) Are you okay, can I get you some ice for that?

CUSTOMER 3 Yes, thank you. DIYA We’ll also take 50% off your purchase today. CUSTOMER 3 Please do. CUSTOMER 2 And did you find my book? DIYA (Customer voice, but through gritted teeth) Yes, sir, I did. I’ll ring you both up right now… (Register sounds, hand off of book) That’ll be $21. Thank you. (footsteps, door opens and closes, register sounds) Thank you, ma’am, that will be $15. Thank you very much for coming in today. (More footsteps, and door opening and closing. Diya walks to door and flips the sign.) What the absolute HELL was all of that?? What were you thinking?? CLIO and ISI (overlapping) ISI ...well, we were just-CLIO It was really Isi’s idea-ISI Hey, you said-CLIO It wasn’t supp-DIYA (interrupting them) ENOUGH. I can’t deal with this. You both need to stop. I don’t know why you keep doing this, or what things were like before. But I’m your manager now. I know I’m new to town, but dammit, I know how to manage

a bookstore, and you are both gonna listen to me. So from now on, you will be available to help customers when they come in, and you will stop damaging the books while playing these ridiculous games. Now go home, get used to it, and we’ll try all of this again tomorrow. (Pause) CLIO Ye-yes, ma’am. We will.

ISIMUD Yeah, um, we’ll do things better tomorrow. DIYA Okay. Thank you. Let’s just...all get some rest. See you tomorrow. Scene 9 [Outside Diya’s bungalow] (Aoife is planting rowan and giving the twins a lecture) AOIFE I know you’re still gonna try, but please don’t try to push through this. You know what rowan does to you. TIK Okay, but-AOIFE SHHH. She’s here. (Sound of footsteps and Diya muttering something) Hey, Dee! How was your day? DIYA What’re you doing here? I thought you fixed everything. And...I don’t want to talk about it. AOIFE Yeah, I, uh, forgot some of my tools here, yesterday. (Slightly taken aback) Okay, fair enough. (Footsteps, door slamming)

Huh. Alright, now you two--GET AWAY FROM THE WINDOW, TOK. Both of you, listen to me. You know she’s new, she doesn’t understand what this place is yet. She doesn’t know the rules. TOK So what? AOIFE So that means, until she figures everything out--and I forbid you from telling her--I’m the one who’s dictating the rules regarding entering this house. So you are both going to stay out of this house, and you are not going to even try to get inside it. Nor will you make anyone else do so. Got it? TIK Oh yeah, we got it. TOK No going inside the house, we hear you. No problem! Scene 10 [Inside of Diya’s bungalow] (A loud banging from outside, Diya starts awake and groans) DIYA I swear to god, if that’s who I think it is… (Another groan as she gets up, footsteps, window sliding open) Get off my roof, kids, I swear I’m gonna call your parents… TIK (distantly) You can certainly try. TOK I’d be really interested to see how that, like, goes for you. DIYA Just...get down. I’m serious. TOK Hi serious, I’m Tok! DIYA Ugh, whatever. (to herself) Dammit, I’m late.

(sounds of her scrambling to get ready, and head out the door) AOIFE Hey, Dee, good morning! Did you sleep well? DIYA Uh, yeah, I guess. Did you forget some more tools? AOIFE Uh. No. I was actually just taking a walk, I do live in this neighborhood. DIYA Oh. Gotta run. (her footsteps run off) AOIFE What did you two do this time? TOK (from the roof still) Nothing. TIK We just made some noise on the roof. TOK Dude, shut up! AOIFE Will you both just stop it?? I want her to like me and you two keep getting in the way! TOK Ooooooh, you liiiiiike herrrrrr. AOIFE Shut it, kid.

Scene 11 [The Fount] (Diya is grumbling, not looking forward to dealing with more of Clio and Isi’s shenanigans, door opens and closes)

DIYA Guys, we need to get read-ISIMUD Everything’s ready, Dee! CLIO We restocked the New Arrivals and filled all of the orders we got yesterday and also swept and mopped and we got coffee! Mustardseed and ‘Cissus say hello! Well, Mustardseed does. Narcissus was just there too. DIYA (taken aback) I-thanks, both of you! ISIMUD Also Clio didn’t ask Mustardseed out again. CLIO Isi! DIYA Ah...well, better luck next time, buddy. Let’s open up! Isi, can you help me get some of the new arrivals from the storeroom? (Footsteps, door opening)

DIYA How is it so big?? It just seems to keep going and going… ISIMUD Yeah, um. Weird, huh? The backs of the buildings on this block are all The Fount, Enki bought it all a while back. DIYA It just...feels weird. ISIMUD Yeah. Yup. Weird, alright. We should probably get back out and see if Clio needs any help…

DIYA Hmmm? Oh, yeah, you’re right. (footsteps, door opens and closes) CLIO Hi mx, will that be all? Excellent choices! That comes to $33.56, thank you for coming in today! DIYA Everything good? (Door opens and Mustardseed walks in, followed by Narcissus) CLIO Yeah! Um! Yeah! Super! Super duper! Really great! Can I take a break for a second! DIYA (Knowing tone) Yeah, sure, dude, take five. MUSTARDSEED Hi Clio, hi Dee! CLIO (extremely squeaky) Hi! DIYA What brings you over here? MUSTARDSEED Well, we felt like we didn’t give you a proper welcome, so here’s some “welcome to the neighborhood” chocolate covered espresso beans! And...well, ‘Cissus wanted to see if there were any books on doing self-portraits, and I-Clio’s kinda cute, right? DIYA (Definitely smiling) Thank you so much, that’s so sweet! And ‘Cissus, the painting books are over there to your left. (To Mustardseed) If you ask her out, she’s gonna explode, but like, in a good way.

MUSTARDSEED (A bit flustered) Heh, yeah, probably. Um. But today’s not the day. I gotta get back to the shop-see ya around, Dee. DIYA See ya. (door opens and closes, footsteps enter and leave) Hello, welcome to The Fount! NORNA Yes, yes, good afternoon and all that. So you’re the new one, hmmm? (To Isimud) She seems unsure of herself. ISIMUD She really isn’t. DIYA Can you with anything? NORNA I need any books you have on sangrimagi. DIYA I’m...sorry? NORNA Sangrimagi! Blood magic, my dear! DIYA Umm, I’m not sure if we have anything about...that. Definitely nothing out here, I’ll go check in the back. (footsteps, door opens and closes) Sangrimagi? Sangri-magi? What the actual hell? Blood magic...where the hell would I find anything about that? (A THUNK as a book falls from a shelf)

Whaa--? Don’t tell me this shelf is broken too...Wait . “A Practical Guide to Sangremagique.” How…? This...can’t be possible, can it?? The shelves can’t be...responding to me. (Pause) NORNA Dear, will you be coming back, or should I leave? DIYA I’ll-I’ll deal with this later. (She hurries back out) Is this what you had in mind? NORNA Oh, yes! That will do nicely, thank you. DIYA Okay! That will be…$43.22. NORNA Here you go, and keep the change, dear. You know, I wasn’t sure at first, but you are going to do well here, I think. DIYA Uh, thank you? NORNA Thank you. Have a good day. And Isi, stand straighter, will you? No nice man will notice you slumped over like that. ISIMUD (glumly) Okay, Norna. See you around. (door opens and closes) DIYA Norna? ISIMUD She comes around a lot. Likes to meddle. DIYA

Ah. Well, she seems...interesting. Wonder how she found out about me. ISIMUD I wouldn’t think about it too much. Scene 13 [The Fount] (They are closing up, we hear the sign flip and the lights get turned off) DIYA Well, I think that’s pretty much it, guys. Have a good night and I’ll see you tomorrow! CLIO G’night, boss! ISIMUD Have a nice night, Dee. (door opens and closes, Diya locks door) DIYA (click of the recorder turning on) Now, let’s test this hypothesis. (footsteps and door opening and closing as she goes to the back room) Okay, here goes. What is this place? (Silence, and then a THUNK) “Epistemology: How We Know.” That doesn’t make much sense. Hmm, what about...What is going on here? (Another THUNK) “Teaching 101.” Oh, very funny. The shop has a sense of humor. God, what am I even doing?? This is insane. (Sigh) I guess...How can I understand this place? (A THUNK, then another) Two?? “Encyclopedia of World Mythology, volume 1 of 32.” and “Search for the Fountain: a history of the quest for the fountains of youth and knowledge”

(Pause) Fuck. I have to be dreaming. I have to be, right? (She is slightly panicked) This..can’t be happening. I know this place is weird , but...the fountain of youth? The FOUNT. This has to be some kind of prank. (THUNK) “Truth-telling for the practiced liar.” Are you fucking kidding me. But--this is impossible. Okay. Okay. Let’s just...pretend like this is true. I’ll look in these books, see if there’s anything else that matches up. Yeah. And then...then I’ll ask Aoife. And Mr. Enki. Okay. I can do this. (The recorder clicks off) Scene 14 [Outside Diya’s bungalow] (Aoife is chasing Tik) AOIFE TIK, give me back the wrench, it’s iron! It cannot feel good to be holding it! TIK Worth it. TOK (slurping from a straw) That’s it, bro, you’ve, like, got this! Oh, why, hello, Dee. DIYA Get off my porch, Tok. Hey, Aoife, sorry for snapping at you this morning. I really appreciate all that you’ve done for me since I arrived. AOIFE (grunting as she yanks the wrench from Tik) Oh, no problem, it’s, um, my pleasure! You’re in a better mood, was work good? DIYA

(small laugh) Yeah, it was. I think I’m finally starting to understand this place. Scene 15 [Outside Bean There, Done That] (Mustardseed is locking up, clink of keys and click of lock) MUSTARDSEED G’night, ‘Sissus, see you on Friday. NARCISSUS ‘Night. (footsteps as Narcissus walks away, after a bit, another pair joins him) NARCISSUS Oh, hey, haven’t seen you in awh--UNKK (Sound of something heavy hitting him in the head, followed by him collapsing. A pause, and then someone begins dragging him away) END CHAPTER 2

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