Misc.04.02.26

Vassar College’s student newspaper of record since 1866 miscellanynews.org

April 2, 2026

Volume 165 | Issue 7

Misc Games fly off page Vassar Soren Fischer

Sadie Keesbirdy and Felix Mundy-Manchicken

Testing You

Games Editors

1.

2.

3.

Dear Reader, We (Felix and Sadie) work so well as co-Games-Editors that we decided to adopt a bird.

It’s a beautiful senior toucan, and we love to share it. Unfortunately, during this week’s custody swap on Joss Beach, Sadie let the bird go after it bit her, hard. We have an AirTag on the bird, but we can’t fly fast enough to retrieve it.

So, we would like to enlist your help, Misc reader, in finding our beloved feathered friend. The first eight people who complete this challenge will be invited to join us on a Misc-funded field trip to the Trevor Lovejoy Zoo!! We are being totally serious. Please, help us find our bird so we can all see the animals!!

In order to win, you must go to all of the locations where we have recently spotted our bird. In every location, there will be the shadow of our bird, like this:

When you find this outlined avifauna, please take a selfie with it (if you are uncomfortable sending a selfie, feel free to send us a photo of your hand giving a thumbs up). Send all seven of your selfies to BOTH fmundymancino@vassar.edu and skeesbury@vassar.edu, and we will notify our eight winners next week. If you can’t find all seven birds, send us as many as you find.

Turn over this paper to find a treasure map on Page 16. Match each circled location on the map to its more specific clue below to find each birdly shadow. Good cluck!

Clues: 1.

Fly down the stairwell, it might take a while, And when you’ve arrived, just sit there and smile!

2.

Walk over or through, but try not to get drenched On your journey to visit our favorite dam bench.

3.

Above two floors of eating there’s fun to be had, Look under the table, to the left just a tad.

5.

On your way home if you live by the gym, Just under the bridge, but no need for a swim.

6.

Stars and planets are peered from a ‘scope Go to the place where you hear your echo.

47. Slept in the library?

48. Skipped Convocation entirely?

49. Ventured into Downtown Poughkeepsie?

In the place to dance, play or sport, Grab some snacks outside the indoor court.

Inside this issue

3

FAKE NEWS

Allison Lowe reports live from SCC.

One less?

Attended Serenading?

Attended a Vassar a cappella concert?

4. Attended a campus event purely for the free food?

5. Habitually complained about the Deece?

6. Signed up for a club you never actually attended?

7. Worn pajamas to a 9am?

8. Fallen asleep during class?

9. Walked through the middle of a frisbee practice on Noyes?

10. Witnessed a point of Quadball on Joss?

11. Gotten lost in Main Building?

12. Dropped your plate in the Deece?

13. Snuck food out of the Deece?

14. Cried in the Deece?

15. Ridden the shuttle to the Galleria?

16. Taken the Metro-North to NYC? 17. Made a friend in a Deece line?

18. Taken a nap in the Rose Parlor?

19. Had a picnic on the Quad?

20. Gone to the Loeb just for fun (and not to support a friend)?

21. Attended a lecture by a visiting speaker you actually cared about (not for class)?

22. Visited the Vassar Farm?

23. Visited the Observatory?

24. Attended Convocation sober?

25. Fallen for PB's April Fools' prank?

26. Been featured on a Sunday email?

27. Interacted with John Bradley?

28. Interacted with Lila Miller?

29. Chopped it up with Bobby at Sweets?

30. Been to the Retreat?

31. Gone to a party at the THs? 32. Been to a varsity (any sport) game?

33. Received a shot from your Student Fellow?

34. Pregamed a Vassar-sponsored event?

35. Used “mental health” to get a deadline extension?

36. Biked to class in the rain or snow?

37. Have you NRO’d a class?

38. Dropped a class on the absolute last possible day?

39. Gone to class high?

40. Gone to class still drunk?

41. Pulled an all-nighter in the 24-hour section?

42. Gotten a noise complaint?

43. Gotten a Campus Safety escort at night?

44. Lost your Vassar ID? 45. Locked yourself out of your room at 3am?

46. Done laundry in a building that wasn't yours?

4. A big private room, to learn and get smart Find a good spot in the library of art.

7.

Purity

7

Sydney Jones investigates where the Misc readership has FEATURES gone.

11

Test

50. Been to Mole Mole?

51. Got a compliment on a Your Kitchen creation?

52. Flown a kite on the Quad?

53. Attended a VSA senate meeting out of curiosity?

54. Had a life-changing conversation with a stranger at a party?

55. Written for The Misc?

56. Been in a Vassar play or musical?

57. Participated in Senior Week traditions?

58. Spent the night in a dorm that wasn’t yours?

59. Thrown up in a dorm bathroom?

60. Had Campus Safety called on you?

61. Called Campus Safety on yourself?

62. Hooked up with someone at a TH party?

63. Kissed someone at the Mug? 64. Stolen a mug from the Mug? 65. Had dinner at a professor’s house?

66. Dapped up a professor?

67. Had an unreciprocated crush on a professor?

68. Hid out in the Deece past closing?

69. Swum in Sunset Lake?

70. Gone skinny dipping in Sunset Lake?

71. Ice-skated on Sunset Lake?

72. Climbed a campus statue?

73. Gone sledding on Commencement Hill?

74. Kissed someone in the Shakespeare Garden?

75. Hooked up with someone from Marist?

76. Slept in the first-floor Main bathroom next to the entrance?

77. Thrown up in the Deece?

78. Been to Ely basement?

79. Snuck into the Kenyon pool after hours?

80. Partied on the Golf Course?

81. Visited the campus cemetery alone at night?

82. Explored the campus tunnels?

83. Been on the roof of the library?

84. Been on the roof of Main?

85. Been on the roof of Rocky?

86. "Survived" Founder's Day? 87. Had sex in a bathroom?

88. Had sex in the library?

89. Hooked up with someone in the library stacks?

90. Been to a naked party?

91. Hooked up with your Student Fellow?

92. Streaked on campus?

93. Had sex at the sex tree?

94. Had sex on Commencement Hill?

95. Received helpful assistance from Baldwin?

96. Chased by a goose?

97. Have your DuoPush remember you?

98. Been to a Baynard Bailey information/help session?

99. Have you pretended to not have rich parents?

100. Completed this test and felt absolutely no shame?

The Office for Upgrading Campus explains Raymond's state of HUMOR disrepair.

April 2, 2026

Page 2

THE AWESOME LIST EDITOR-IN-FREAK MANAGERIAL WHIZ NEWS EDITORS

WASHED UP

WHITE GUYS WITH GLASSES ASSISTANT WHITE GUY WITH GLASSES ARTSY FARTSY ASSISTANT ARTSY FARTSIES

Managerial Whiz/The Miscellany News.

MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE

Allison Lowe Luke Jenkins Kathryn Carvel Darja Coutts Madeleine Nicks Clara Alger Carina Cole Soren Fischer Hadley Amato Julian Balsley Jackson Hrebin

Grace Finke Aurelia Harrison Brendan Kennedy Yaksha Gummadapu SUPERIOR WEEKLY EMAILERS Sydney Jones Jacob Cifuentes YAPPERS Ian Watanabe Zoe Rodriguez ASSISTANT YAPPER Emma daRosa SHADOW EXEC Wren Buehler ASSISTANT SHADOW EXEC Noah Daube-Valois Henry France GLUE GUYS Casey McMenamin Molly Delahunty INDESIGN MINIONS Lucas Seguinot ASSISTANT INDESIGN MINIONS Teresa Garcia-Green Hannah Wells Sadie Bakken-Durchslag PASTE EDITORS Paige Hahn Anabel Lee Annie McShane STARVING ARTIST Makenna Brown FILM BRO Sadie Keesbury CROSSWORD FANATICS Felix Mundy-Mancino Mia Liloia IG REELS ADDICT Denver Brown RAGER COORDINATOR Hunter Farhat COMPUTER EXPERT Eduardo Culmer UNDERLINGS Armaan Desai Noah Duncan Iggy Guiterrez Melody Hamilton Isabel Holmes Lora Janczewski Madeline Nusbaum Evan Seker Erin Thatcher Amritha Dewan PICTURE TAKER Andrew Chu CRAYON FAN Nikola Parker Cooperman PASTE STAFF Elliot Evans Cooper Jaffe Gabrielle Lyman Ren Nicolau Tess Novack Julia Weber

Page 3

April 2, 2026

WE

ENDORSE

THIS

JAM

Hadley Amato and Julian Balsley/The Miscellany News.

Seniors attend 'realistic' Senior Career Connections Allison Lowe Unemployed

V

assar College’s Center for Career Education (CCE) recently hosted its first annual Senior Career Connections (SCC) for the Class of 2026. This new-and-improved version of SCC focuses on giving students a glimpse of what their postgraduate lives may hold:) linework tattoos, unemployment and endless nights out in Bushwick dive bars.

The event took place over the weekend of Saturday, March 28 and Sunday, March 29.

Hosted within the Scandi-chic splendors of the new Dede Bartlett Center for Admission and Career Education, SCC treated graduating seniors to a variety of career panels, workshops and networking opportunities, all based around the average life of a recent Vassar graduate. Representatives from the CCE told The Miscellany News that they were inspired to plan this event after noticing that previous graduating classes had left Vassar unprepared for the “real world,” saying:) “In this day and age, we cannot ethically tell our seniors that they will all be granted stable, entry-level jobs at respectable companies… They need to be ready to face the reality that is waiting for them.”

In a recent report, The New York Times stated that young graduates are facing “the

grimmest job market in years.” SCC riffs off of Sophomore Career Connections, a longstanding Vassar tradition that allows sophomores to explore careers and connect with alumni mentors. However, the event takes the recent job reports into account—instead of letting students explore their ideal careers, SCC chooses to prepare them for their most likely next steps.

Several seniors were grateful for this reality check. “I already know that I’m going to be a barista in a Lower East Side concept store, or something like that,” said Wyatt Keleshian ’26. “Eventually, I want to open up my own concept store, with a cafe during the day that turns into a bar at night. At SCC, I was able to network with 10 other Vassar grads who are working toward that exact same goal.”

“One of the great benefits of a liberal arts education is that you are prepared for a wide variety of paths,” said Dean of Student Vibes Lucy Owens, continuing, “So, even if our graduates struggle to find employment within so-called ‘real’ industries, like ‘finance’ or ‘healthcare,’ they all have the skills necessary to succeed under any given circumstances.

For example, one computer science major is planning on using his coding skills to create immersive, experiential DJ sets—and his tickets are already sold out through the end

of the year!”

Panelists emphasized that graduates should not underestimate the power of networking. Workshops emphasizing interpersonal skills, such as “How to Inspire Envy With Your Niche Instagram Stories” and “Navigating Conflict With Your Seven Roommates,” were highly fruitful.

While a handful of older alumnae/i were present at SCC, the primary folks that se-

MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE

niors networked with were members of the Class of 2025. Chloe Hunt ’26 said, “While I wasn’t able to find any leads on jobs, I was able to connect with other Vassar graduates looking for three bedroom apartments in Bushwick.”

These recent alums also emphasized the benefit of the conference. Kurt Hummel ’25 said:) “Even in the depths of late capitalism, a Vassar education is priceless.”

Image courtesy of Public Domain Images.

April 2, 2026

Page 4

What

underscores’ Jay Fu

Guest Columnist

S

porting a striped band of dyed hair in the shape of a pair of headphones, April Harper Grey, known professionally as underscores, sits for a creator interview with Our Generation Music prior to the debut of her third studio album “U.” Nine minutes into the 24-minute long video, the host provides underscores with a printout of a post authored by @headphoneemoji on X: “is anyone else so scared for the new underscores album What if it changes music forever” “Well, I don’t know if it’s going to do all that,” underscores answers. When asked what it will do, underscores responds, “Numbers.”

Presently, “U” has indeed received an 8.6/10 rating from Pitchfork—a fitting score for its place on the magazine’s Best New Albums page—as well as five stars from NME and four from The Guardian. Additionally, a TikTok fan edit boasting 2.5 million views has drawn crowds of excited new supporters and confused passersby alike. “why is the algo pushing underscores so hard, please stop,” complains @haloground in a reply with over 6,000 corroborating likes—a testament to her present ubiquity, at least. Those in the periphery of similar electropop/EDM acts, like Jane Remover or oklou, may recall underscores' feature on the latter’s “choke enough” album or her gigs opening for 100 gecs and Porter Rob-

The

Hellp Guest Columnist

O

n Friday, March 27, The Hellp returned to New York on tour with their newest album, “Riviera.” The indie electronic duo packed the house at Brooklyn Steel with young fans decked out in their edgiest adornments. The venue, with its wide floor and a balcony above for those not interested in head- bashing, was the perfect setting for the mosh pit that ensued. The duo effectively hypnotized the crowd into a state of constant jumping, appreciating the music and the new record, as they kept randomly echoing the word “Riviera” over the microphone.

The Hellp consists of Noah Dillon and Chandler Ransom Lucy who reside in Los Angeles where they also started the band.

Dillon, originally from Colorado, does the vocals while Lucy does both electronic production and effects. The duo gained attention and scooped up dedicated fans on SoundCloud, which is where some of their most popular songs, such as “Ssx" and “Tu Tu Neurotic,” were first released.

After sharing tracks on SoundCloud for five years, their first formal EP, “Enemy,” was released in 2021. They arrived in the indie-rock-electronic world at just the right time in 2016. The indie sleaze genre of the 2000s, which was spearheaded by bands such as Crystal Castles and Justice, has had a resurgence in the romanticization of all things vintage. In the early 2020s, this genre experienced a major explosion, expanding its popularity among a greater reach of listeners. The Hellp’s official music release in 2021 happened alongside similar artists such as 2hollis, Snow Strippers and Bassvictim who all joined the bandwagon in the early 2020s.

Most of these artists’ discographies sound very similar to me—full of chaot-

has

inson. underscores' own prior releases are hardly trivial, with her 2021 debut album “Fishmonger” remaining a substantive ripple of the pandemic hyperpop wave, but what makes “U” so special to so many people at this particular moment? Could even I understand “U”?

To resolve this problem requires tackling the composition of underscores’ artistic character. Though underscores' projects span from hyperpop to indie rock to electronic-adjacent, each of her albums incorporates a new tag—a musical motif spliced most often at the beginning or end of her songs as a thematic stamp. In her debut album “Fishmonger,” underscores promised, “It’s a new wave of the future.” With 2023’s “Wallsocket,” she chanted, “Good luck!”

This time, the characteristic tag implies a certain reciprocity: “I-O-U.” Moments after pressing play on “U”’s opening track, underscores, cordial and delighted, calls out: “Hey! It’s you!” In track one of nine, “Tell Me (U Want It),” underscores clips off the final letter of the tag on its way to cue in the verse, leaving us to complete the familiar schema (I owe—!).

“U” was originally streamed in full on YouTube via a shaky, handheld camera that followed underscores around a mall for 34 minutes. The point of view of the live listening party puts the viewer implicitly equal with underscores, as if having stumbled upon her in a natural habitat. The album, however, appreciates an ambivalence towards the concepts of fame and love.

take

Sophia Marchioli

‘U’

New

do

With music as a conceptual and literal throughline, underscores occupies the role of a nascent popstar negotiating her own obscurity or lack thereof.

Take “Do It”: the pre-release single seems to taunt the recipient of underscores' affections as she wonders, “Don't you get it? / People get my lyrics tattooed on their bodies.” However, in the same song, she insists, “I just can’t do it / It's all on the line for me / You could ruin everything.”

With a similar push-and-pull rhythm, the third track of the full album, “Hollywood Forever,” speaks to a recalcitrant audience underscores manages to coax into dancing through two beat drops and a dreamy outro. As if taking the listener along, underscores puts forth, “And you say, I'm so, I'm so Hollywood? / Well, aren't we all so, all so Hollywood?”

Similarly, underscores purports that “U” was written while on the road between performances, particularly at liminal spaces like hotels, airports and, as the YouTube stream suggests, malls. By the time the chorus of the first track arrives, the viewer has traveled from a static position at the top of an escalator to ground level with underscores as she dances along to “Tell Me (U Want It)” with a suitcase in tow. The soundscape teleports from gentle throbbing guitar to a sticky, thumping beat. Within a minute, the listener has been inoculated to underscores’ fast-moving world.

Overall, “U” does not stray as far from genre conventions as previous releases like

York

ic, reverberating and sharp electronic tones. However, one thing that sets each artist apart is the vocals they lay over this distinctive production style. The Hellp is unique in this sense, with Dillon’s assertive yet squeaky voice bellowing quickly delivered lyrics. Dillon’s vocal contributions build up the sense of adrenaline associated with the band’s music by creating a rushed and exhilarating feeling among the chaos of electronic tones.

This skill is heavily exercised on “Riviera.” In a yearning romanticization of the Los Angeles sprawl and the sense of Americana associated with Los Angeles culture, “Riviera” paints a picture, marked with the classic 2016 Instagram filter. The second track on the album, “Country Road,” sings, “Country road, take me home / But this ain’t West Virginia / This is LA, I’m on Sunset.” Additionally, the duo folds in the harmful influence that a tech and profit-driven world has had on their adulthood; songs like “Modern Man,” “New Wave America” and “Meridian” all touch on this issue.

The tastefully rushed sound of the album echoes this sentiment about the current, fast-paced state of the world. The album beats out the Pitchfork—a coveted music review publication known for its tough ranking system—scores for any of the duo’s discography and has had fans obsessed since its release in November 2025.

Dillon and Lucy had been teasing their release by dropping several singles throughout September and October. These singles caught flame with the help of catchy riffs that could go viral in the background of TikTok videos: The single, “Here I Am,” did just that, grabbing the attention of a wide audience.

The concert brought new life to “Riviera” and selected old songs the band decided to feature. Everything sounded

to

by

storm

richer and louder, intoxicating the crowd with adrenaline. The colored strobe lights, mid-show confetti and background visuals all contributed to the thrilling environment. These random, humorous visuals kept the intense music feeling lighthearted, displaying baby goats, President Xi Jinping of China and a blue-hued mountainscape. The setting was so bewildering that people were constantly holding their phones in the air, recording as much of the concert as possible. Groups of people kept opening up the crowd to create an empty space that would be filled by violent moshers, squeezing the surrounding members of the crowd against each other like sardines. Hair was flung in faces. Sweat dripped from everyone’s

MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE

with

you

aforementioned “Wallsocket”—the nearly 55-minute long release flirting erratically with indietronica, folk, rock and electropop influences. At its best, “U” avoids musical flavor fatigue by taking the production up to 10 in the back half. What that unique “it factor” is varies per song; for instance, my personal favorite track, “Innuendo (I Get U),” devotes its final 60 seconds to a distilled adrenaline rush almost inverse in nature from the pared-down instrumental, miles away, of the introduction. Even the album’s shortest song, “The Peace,” puts all of its two-and-a-half minutes to use. Structured around three smoke breaks in the arc of a frail relationship, each lap is marked off by wordplay between “speak,” “spoke” and “smoke.” Like the relationship, underscores introduces further sonic complexity each time around the bend before delivering us to a final rousing chorus, holding the song together via the punctuation of repeated vocal chops.

In my personal opinion, the weaker songs fail to surprise; in others’ personal opinions, the weaker songs overstimulate.

As underscores herself has noted, there is a diversity of opinion among even those who broadly enjoy the album such that there is not really a most popular track. Even at its worst, for its flaws, one cannot help but find oneself at the feet of a fully realized project. It is the sort of album one must evaluate on one's own terms. April Harper Grey is here; to meet in the middle, all you need to have is “U.”

once

again

bodies. I had a beer poured down my back.

All eyes were on The Hellp the entire hour and a half that they played. The continuous roar of the crowd kept them going five minutes past the venue’s curfew, and when they finally finished off the set with their biggest hit “Ssx,” they came and sat on the edge of the stage, causing the crowd to somehow swarm in closer.

By the end of the show, my friend and I were only a few feet away from the barricade, having been shoved forward from the very back throughout the show. It was an epic performance. The Hellp should only be listened to in a live setting like this one, with the reek of sweat and the warm buzz of overheating, excited bodies crowded together.

Image courtesy of Sophia Marchioli '28.

Page 5

April 2, 2026

Student Grace Finke

Serious Music Critic

I

n the midst of Vassar’s flourishing rock and indie-folk student music scene, three students have decided to take a different approach. Consisting of Johnny Michel ’26, Cate Shrub ’28 and Phiona Pear ’27 [Disclaimer:) Pear is a Senior Editor for The Miscellany News], jüxtæpøsïtìôñ describes their music as boldly avant-garde, recklessly experimental and fearlessly consequential.

On Friday, March 27, jüxtæpøsïtìôñ re-released “‘4'33”’ remix,” a cover of John Cage’s classic. Cage’s piece, which is intended for live performance, has musicians abstain from playing their instruments, instead featuring four minutes and 33 seconds of ambient sound. jüxtæpøsïtìôñ’s track captures three minutes and 24 seconds of Vassar’s soundscape. When asked about the length of the track, Pear said, “My phone died before the timer went off.”

The members of jüxtæpøsïtìôñ first met in their MUSI 101:) “Fundamentals of Music” class in Spring 2025. “[Michel] woke me up at the end of the first class,” Shrub said. “The next week, we all ran into each other at The Brew about 20 minutes after class was supposed to start.” After collectively receiving a failing grade on the introductory survey for the class, the three decided that the institution of music education was too restrictive.

“I think that the class gave me a really great foundation for what I don’t want to do,” Michel said. The three subsequently dropped the class and instead spent their 1:)30 p.m. block playing video games in Skinner Hall’s George Sherman Dickinson Music Library. They became interested in ambient sound through overhearing the endless loud discussions between exasperated music majors. From then on, they could be spotted wearing clip-on microphones whenever they were in Skinner Hall.

The three then began to compile their

band recordings as a way to capture the auditory experience of Vassar. Michel said, “It was a really interesting way to stalk—I mean, explore the, you know, uh, like… commentary of societal unrest.”

After leaving Folk Fest particularly uninspired and disillusioned, Michel suggested that the group begin performing live as a way to decentralize talent from music.

“Everything was in tune, it was just so boring,” Michel said. “Frankly, I think that ‘good singing’ is just Big Music propaganda.”

Michel first sent an email to Vassar College Entertainment (ViCE) requesting to be the opening act in their Spring Concert, to which she received an emphatic rejection. The three then decided to host their first performance in Shrub’s Josselyn House triple room without the knowledge or permission of her roommates. “We decided to keep it intimate, just us and my two roommates,” Shrub said. “There was this one really awesome moment in the middle of the show where they put their noise-cancelling headphones on. That really inspired us to keep exploring the interaction between technology and sound.”

The group continued “performing,” loudly playing their recordings in public spaces. After being banned from every campus library, they decided to expand their presence with Pear suggesting jüxtæpøsïtìôñ as a band name. Pear said, “This one kid in my political science class says it a lot. I have no idea what it means, but I thought it sounded funny.” jüxtæpøsïtìôñ finally decided to record and publish their work after discovering Cage’s piece. Shrub explained, “I found it on Reddit while I was…wait, actually can you just write that I was completely sober? Thanks.” They spent months trying to find the perfect venue for the recording, experimenting with the Lathrop House annex and the Rockefeller Hall basement. They eventually landed on the Blodgett Hall Practice Room and released

releases

‘music’

Phiona Pear/The Miscellany News. the track on Nov. 16, 2025. The track featured rustling, tuning and yelling before capturing an original song by a group of students who wish to remain anonymous.

The recording was posted on YouTube on Shrub’s account, accompanied visually by an abstract digital drawing that vaguely resembled a guitar. The video garnered over 200,000 views with commenters praising Shrub for the song.

“We really liked the clip we got from Blodgett,” Michel said. “But the band practicing in there got pretty mad. They said we ‘stole and leaked’ their song.” After engaging in a month-long Instagram DM argument with the group, jüxtæpøsïtìôñ removed the recording from YouTube.

email misc@vassar.edu for more info MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE

Shrub then suggested that Pear should secretly re-record the track in the Miscellany’s office during a Monday production night. The track consists mostly of keyboard typing, exhausted sighs and sporadic coughs. About one minute and 35 seconds in, Darja Coutts ’27 [Disclaimer:) Coutts is a Senior Editor for The Miscellany News] can be heard asking Pear a question about formatting, which Pear does not answer. The group forgot about the recording until last week, then proceeded to upload it to Michel’s Substack account.

When informed that the recording was published online, Allison Lowe ’26 [Disclaimer:) Lowe is Editor-in-Chief of The Miscellany News] said, “Oh shit, really?”

Amritha Dewan/The Miscellany News.

FEATURES

Page 6

April 2, 2026

Student-produced podcast explores diverse experiences Grace Finke Arts Editor

I

n an environment as eclectic as Vassar College, many of us have experienced the natural flicker of intrigue when encountering someone with a unique personal ethos.

While we may typically think little of it before moving on, the podcast “Answering Machine” unpacks this curiosity and transforms it into a profound dialogue. Hosted and produced by seniors Bridgette Nally and AJ Seedansingh, “Answering Machine” is an interview-based podcast exploring diverse beliefs, ideas and lifestyles of both the Vassar community and soon beyond, aimed to educate listeners and broaden their perspectives.

“Answering Machine” can be traced back to Fall 2022, when Nally and Seedansingh first arrived at Vassar. Having bonded over breakfast during orientation, Nally and Seedansingh immediately began brainstorming creative ways to capture their years in college. “I guess there’s just been a constant urge in our friendship… for us to create together,” Nally said.

Nally and Seedansingh decided to bring their ideas to fruition the summer before their senior year. After Nally spent the summer interning at a radio station in Poughkeepsie, she and Seedansingh decided to use their podcast as a way to continue telling stories and engaging with the Vassar community. “We know so many cool people, and we are constantly coming across so many cool ideas and things that we’ve never thought about before, or are making us rethink things, assumptions that we had for a long time,” Nally said. Nally and Seedansingh have begun producing “Answering Machine” as an independent study project advised by Associate Professor and Chair of Music Justin Patch.

After considering multiple potential ti-

tles, Nally and Seedansingh landed on “Answering Machine,” inspired by the game of telephone. “You’re going down a line, and what the original message is changes because of interpretation,” Seedansingh explained. “When you interpret something, each person has their own idea of what it is.”

When planning episodes, Nally and Seedansingh find themselves directly inspired by the people they have encountered, from classmates they have known for years or people they simply walk by every day. Seedansingh said, “I feel like the ideas do come with the people, and questions that we have for people and what they do.”

The first episode of “Answering Machine” features Kwabena Adae ’26 and was released in November 2025. In it, Adae discusses antispeciesism, or the rejection of differential treatment towards different species. Adae emphasizes the importance of decentering the human experience in interactions with other species and demonstrates how antispeciesist thinking can be applied when evaluating cultural and economic frameworks. Adae reflects in the episode, “In thinking about things like deep-sea mining… how can you re-orient people’s perspectives so that they can empathize with that which is not known, over that which is known?”

The second episode, published in March, is a larger exploration of Luddism.

Nally and Seedansingh interview Professor of History Lydia Murdoch, as well as Audrey Miller ’27 and George Truax ’27, and discuss the history and recent reclamation of Luddism. “It’s not reactionary or looking backward,” Truax explains in the episode.

“It’s trying to create a more positive and critically developed future.”

Through the process of conducting interviews, Nally and Seedansingh have

been able to feel a greater sense of connection with their guests, something which they hope is captured in the final product.

“I hope, given the nature of the questions we’re asking, that there has been connection across the table and across the microphones,” Nally said. “The feeling I have leaving the interview room of connection with the person that we’ve just had the opportunity to speak with, and feeling so excited about having my mind opened… and then being enlightened with all of these new things and new ideas—that amalgamation of feelings is what I hope, on some level, the listener leaves with.”

In addition to planning episodes and interviewing, Nally and Seedansingh edit and arrange the raw audio into its final product.

Seedansingh, who is also co-president of the Vassar Night Owls, compared the process of editing to a rehearsal, where sounds are experimented with and layered. [Disclaimer: the author of this article serves as music director of the Night Owls.] “You’re listening to the audio, you cut down… just to make it sound more smooth,” Seedansingh said. “Once it’s that… you get to mix things however you want. You just kind of find whatever sits right in your ear.”

While editing, Nally and Seedansingh are focused on making episodes accessible for audiences that may be unfamiliar with the topics of the episodes. “You want to make it something that you enjoy listening to that’s exciting to be immersed in,” Nally explained. The exposition and dialogue of the episodes are interspersed with background music and phone-themed sound effects as a way to engage audiences and connect to the podcast’s larger theme.

Throughout the entire process, Nally and Seedansingh have found the insight they gained into new perspectives of life to be invaluable. Interviewing guests has allowed them to not only reflect but find

unique intersections of beliefs. “There are just times when there’s such clear connections,” Seedansingh said. “Within an episode, if we’re interviewing two people… they bridge the gap between them and their experiences themselves. Or even when it bridges between episodes, that’s happened a lot.” With “Answering Machine,” Nally and Seedansingh hope to further inspire curiosity and exploration. Nally explained, “It’s not a hard message of what a listener should believe, but a constant invitation to rethink.”

Their next episode, featuring Jolyn Prescott ’27 and Niccolo Porcello ’16, discusses music and is anticipated to be released in mid-April. In the meantime, you can listen to “Answering Machine” on Spotify and keep up with @answeringmachinepodcast on Instagram for updates.

Image courtesy of AJ Seedansingh.

Ripo talks Women’s Health Expo, community of resources Sydney Jones

Features Editor

“W

ellness is a community effort,” said Office Specialist at Student Living and Wellness (SLW) Stacy Ripo when I sat down with her on Friday to discuss the exigence behind last week’s third annual Women’s Health Expo, hosted by the Women’s Center. Held Wednesday, Mar. 25 from 3 to 7 p.m., the Expo involved tabling and representatives from a variety of campus and community health and wellness organizations. The event was designed for students to stop by, gather information about available services and speak with peers, specialists and administrators from offices on campus and in the greater Poughkeepsie area.

For Ripo, who also teaches Life Fitness classes through Vassar College’s Sports and Recreation Services in addition to her job at SLW, the event was a chance for students to learn to ask more questions about where to get help and see how on-campus resources are in constant collaboration. The event also promoted local services through raffles, freebies and giveaways. For example, upon entering, students were greeted by a table of themed pre- and post-workout snacks organized by Vassar Dining Campus Dietician Jenna Bernard, as well as raffle opportunities for themed baskets of workout equipment and health and beauty products from Director of the Women’s Center Christine Stuart.

Stuart also provided students with a “pass-

port” containing additional information about how to follow up with certain offices, like the Women’s Center, and an opportunity to collect stamps from five of the tables to receive an additional raffle entry. In addition to greeting students at the door, Stuart played a major role in organizing and facilitating the Expo—which Ripo described as likely to continue in future years.

From the tables, students received information about free therapy and counseling services from the Counseling offices and fitness and intramural sports opportunities from Sports and Recreation Services. Medical support and referral information were also featured from off-campus providers like Planned Parenthood of Greater New York, Vassar Brothers Medical Center and the Miles of Hope Breast Cancer Foundation.

Students also worked tables representing organizations such as Project Period and The Brain and Body Coalition where they are involved as interns or through the Community-Engaged Learning program. When I discussed the range of resources with Ripo, she explained that the breadth of opportunities for students to get connected with help at every step of the process is special at Vassar.

For instance, at the Care Coordination, Advocacy, Resources and Education Office, Director of Care Coordination Erika Lee and Residential Care Coordinator Jessie George work to assist students navigating health insurance, prescriptions and the referral

process to visit on- and off-campus service providers.

Ripo also called upon the significance of the event’s promotion of confidence and self-advocacy, which she thinks students should practice while in college with a variety of resources at their fingertips before entering the post-grad world. Additionally, she hopes students—female students, specifically—feel encouraged by the free facilities and fitness opportunities available at the Athletics & Fitness Center (AFC) where she teaches her pilates and strength classes. As someone who has taken classes with Ripo throughout my time at Vassar, I can vouch for her sentiment that a community setting like the one offered at the AFC and through

MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE

Recreation Services can play a huge role in promoting healthy and realistic fitness habits for all confidence and skill levels.

“I think women are often bombarded with everyone’s idea of what’s not enough,” said Ripo. While maintaining health and fitness can be an isolating, intimidating or—in the case of navigating the American healthcare system—convoluted process, especially for women, the Expo hoped to demonstrate that this need not always be the case. For students at Vassar, this annual event demonstrates that you should not feel alone in maintaining your mental and physical well-being. There is a whole community of resources on offer. All you have to do is ask.

Sydney Jones/The Miscellany News.

FEATURES

April 2, 2026

Page 7

Majority of Misc readership gone with the geese Sydney Jones

Avian Investigator

G

eese. Loud. Obnoxious. Residents of New York. An especially prevalent topic on the Vassar College campus last semester.

Aggressive? Perhaps. Unable to perform on “Saturday Night Live” due to an “inability to account for interspecies differences,” or so I have been told by Lorne Michaels. That is right, I am not talking about the band behind widespread tax evasion cases this year, but rather their avian namesake. With most of the geese gone from our quad, leaving us with a nicer smell but noticeably fewer opportunities to watch nervous tour groups navigate around the gaggles, it seems most of The Miscellany News’ readership has flown away with them. Full paper baskets sit untouched across our campus, leaving the hard work of our staff and our otherwise pro-Geese—band and bird—sentiments unappreciated.

So, I donned my galoshes and waded into the murky but luckily shallow depths of Sunset Lake to find out what exactly happened to our readership and, slightly less importantly, to our avian friends. (Spoiler alert:) our talks went sour.:) With a waterproof notebook and a tiny microphone in hand—the same kind I have both dreams and nightmares about approaching me on our criss-crossing sidewalks to inquire what song I am currently listening to—ideas about topics for my interviewees swirled amongst the luckily watercress-free but concerningly viscous waters.

Why have Vassar’s geese lost their intellectual spark? When can we expect The Miscellany News to be relevant again? Would a paper basket left by our distributors at their shore aid in our cause to promote student journalism and solve the problems of a small, academically rigorous, historically women’s liberal arts college forever?—or, at least, get the admin to renovate any of Raymond House’s bathrooms?

Here is what I learned first:) Geese do not

Heading Columnist

assar College has returned to life after the first full week of classes back from spring break. One week ago today, campus looked very different with students out on vacation and only a few staying behind. I wanted to know how people identify their home— where is home for Vassar students?

I set out to ask Vassar students to identify where their “home” is by talking about their spring breaks.

I first met with a sophomore here at Vassar in the 24-hour section of the library, the week before break where people sat huddled around orange tables and chatted about their homework, completing review sheets and pre-labs. In the final stretch of midterms week, the energy was tired but still high. She wore a gray shirt with burgundy letters on it spelling “Vassar Brewers.” I asked her if she was excited to go home for break and where she would be. ​ “I’m very excited to go home for spring break. I’m from Hillsborough, New Jersey, so not too far.” She closed her laptop, on which she was working on problem sets for her physics homework. With a sigh, she explained that she was definitely excited for the end of the work cycle, as we were in the midst of midterms, so going home was something to look forward to. I asked her if

ery fingers to reasons which could explain the decline in our readership.

“Honk. Honk,” said the second goose, followed by a squeal so concerningly highpitched that I thought it had come from the whistle of the lifeguard standing alongside a Campus Response Center officer watching me carefully from shore through their tinted driver’s seat window. Poignant, really.

The third goose gave a flap of its wings when I held out our latest issue for reference, and with the gust of air the pages turned to our Sports section. “That’s it!” I exclaimed.

“You’re so right. We’re missing the intramural pickleball league beat.”

Perhaps, they offer hope that The Miscellany News can rise to meet the demands of our increasingly modern and diverse audience.

Upon my safe arrival back at shore, and supposed “short-term suspension” from classes due to risk of “avian flu infection” and “a myriad of bacteria” present in what I thought were the clear beautiful waters of our only lake on campus (say goodbye to my summer snorkeling plans:), I still did not have the answers I was looking for. None of these geese seemed to have the real rea-

son for our decline in readership. The ones that were avid fans claimed to be up to date on their Miscellany reading even after their return home—and looking forward to this issue, mind you—and those that were not already avid readers did not seem any more or less convinced to take up the paper with their morning cup of burnt gasoline water a.k.a.

Retreat joe.

So what could it be? Was the departure of the geese from our quad indicative of a larger movement away from Vassar’s student-run paper of note circa 1866, but not the real reason behind our decline at all? Had I been wrong all along? Can geese read?

Walking to class one morning through a carpet of stinky ginkgo leaves, with a plastic cup of watered-down burnt gasoline water plus caramel creamer in my reduced clutches, I found my answer. A single squirrel ran across the path—the first of the season. He stopped for a moment on a yellow leaf and gazed up at me with one beady eye.

In his jaws, the scrap of a headline. I could recognize the strangely-kearned size 30 pt.

Edita book font anywhere.

I rushed to grab my phone with my remaining seven fingers.

Sydney Jones/The Miscellany News.

homeward

Isabel Holmes

V

like microphones. Here is what I learned second:) Geese do not seem to understand what it means to record their answers “for the record.” Third and fourth:) Geese do not know how to schedule an interview or accept an invite on Google Calendar. I approached them unsolicited. So please, bear with me. I am typing with what fingers remain.

The first of a particular gaggle I found on that brisk 85-degree Poughkeepsie winter’s day seemed to be a long-time reader and fan of The Miscellany News. This was made apparent when he proceeded to peck and prod at an Opinions piece on the importance of water fountain access and its implications on the proto-capitalist motivations behind our working class’ hydration.

“Good point,” I responded simply.

The next goose I interviewed was an avid fan of Gordon Commons. When I held out a vegan chocolate chip cookie, she went back to Sweets for seconds. (I have a knuckle tattoo, “SWEETS” across my right hand and the index and forefinger of my left. I dare you to match my level of fandom.:) The third, fourth, fifth and sixth geese/ gooses/gise had big ideas for how to make the paper relevant, and pointed with their feath-

bound

she felt more at home here on campus or at her house in New Jersey. She thought for a moment and glanced at her friends sitting beside her. “My home is in Hillsborough because I spent my whole life there. It's comfortable and familiar. This place feels temporary because nothing is mine. The room isn’t mine, I'm just using it. But my home is here in terms of the people.”

Here at Vassar, she feels like there is a clean slate to figure out who you actually are. “When I want to come ‘home’ to Vassar, it’s because of my friends and experience that I get from being here, not so much about the place.” She stressed the idea that this kind of freedom comes with moving to a new place where no one knows you, but especially somewhere individuality is encouraged. Difference is encouraged, and everyone is trying to figure out who they are. She continued to sit in the 24-hour section after our brief interview to finish her physics homework. She had one midterm on Friday and was planning on driving back to New Jersey immediately after.

Outside the library, I met with a second student. He was also a sophomore. He had his folders out on the bench beside him, reviewing for his pre-lab in Experimental Psychology. He was preparing to perform surgery on a mouse he had been taking care of in the lab. His pink highlighter smelled sharply of chemicals as he underlined all of

at

Vassar

the steps. I asked him about where he feels at home, and how he is feeling about spring break. “Super excited to go back to Scituate, Massachusetts, but I will miss my home away from home.” Scituate is a suburb of Boston, where he has lived his entire life. “I formed much stronger relationships with people here than I ever did at home, but I can’t be at home anywhere that my family isn’t.”

He stressed that his sense of community growing up was entirely a result of his parents, who made his childhood safe and welcoming for him and his brother.

The community of Sciutate itself was less influential. His experience at Vassar was totally new in terms of what his external community looked like. “I had essentially only gone to school with white kids before I left Scituate.”

Some have only experienced uniformity before leaving for Vassar, while others have known nothing but change. The third student I met with has moved every three years since he was born. I asked him about spring break and where he was headed.

“Yes, I am excited to go back. I’m going to New Delhi, India.” He has lived in New Delhi for the past two years with his parents and his younger sister. I asked him if he felt that was going ‘home’ to New Delhi.

“Moving around a lot, home to me was always where my family was, where my dogs

MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE

College

were. In that sense, I’ll be going ‘home’ to my family for break. But Vassar has been much more of a physical home.” He lives on the third floor of Main with two roommates. For those with a more stationary childhood, the physical campus at Vassar is not the part of it that makes it a home; relationships and friends make the environment—not the buildings or the dorms.

But for this student, those are exactly what make Vassar a home. “This is all familiar to me. Eating breakfast at Retreat, that's something that feels very home to me.

Home is where family is, but I have family here too now.” When he graduates, he will have lived at Vassar for longer than he has ever lived anywhere else.

There is one week until spring break for students at Vassar, and students are buzzing with excitement to leave campus. But not everyone is headed home. There is a liberating appeal to the absence of our friends and families at college. Even when our relationships are strong, and their presence is missed, we are enabled to embrace new personalities and passions when we are not surrounded by the people who molded us.

It is not a betrayal of their creation when we stray from the path. Home can mean many things for us, but when we graduate and move on from this place, our home is permanently changed. How do we define home when it is constantly changing?

April 2, 2026

Page 8

Breaking News

From the desk of Emma daRosa, Humor Editor

"Perhaps this April, we all have been made the fool" muses Opinions Editor Ian Watanabe Senior events director announces first ever ‘49 Nights’ Emma daRosa Miner 49er

T

he Vassar Senior Events Director, Seynour Evants ’26, has made an exciting and intriguing announcement. On Wednesday, April 1, during an impromptu press conference on PB and J’s lawn, Evants announced that he’s planned an all-new senior event for the class of 2026 to enjoy.

You’ve heard of the Sunday scaries, but why not be scared on Saturday too? That’s right: on Saturday, April 4, take a break from nursing your 50 Nights hangover and go enjoy 49 Nights! Have a blast on Friday celebrating 50 nights until graduation, and on Saturday, head to the Villard Room to bask in the terror of getting ready to be officially “postgrad.”

49 Nights is a thrilling opportunity to think about all the most horrific aspects of being a college senior. Rather than drinks and revelry, students will have the chance to enjoy things like job rejection letters and scary phone calls with your mom. There will be tables with recruiters from companies who won’t hire you, apartment complexes out of your price range and information about the top five coolest cities to live in after college (they also happen to have the top five unemployment rates in the country, maybe you’re different though!)

There will, of course, be refreshments as well! The Senior Event Council is putting together a delicious spread of off-brand instant ramen, week-old leftovers from the last time you visited your parents that you swear are still fine, and highly tempting delicious snacks that all belong to your roommates and will come with grave consequences, should you choose to consume them. These will all give you an excellent taste of what it’s like to be done with college.

I hope you have a really good time at 49 Nights. You won’t, but wouldn’t that be nice? At the very least you should have an existentially reflective time. Or, you won’t.

There is nothing after Vassar. Or maybe there is everything.

Emma daRosa/The Miscellany News.

The more I hear about this 'war,' the less I like it Wren Buehler PoliSci Poobah

Y

’know, life used to be pretty simple.

War didn’t happen, or at least it didn’t happen to people who mattered, or at least it wasn’t reported on, or at least I didn’t care about it. But these days, it seems war is all we can talk about, for reasons I don’t totally understand but I think are related to the newly-prohibitive prices of my monthly crude oil bath. It seems you can’t go 10 feet without hearing about the preventable deaths of children, or the undemocratic removal of foreign heads of state, and frankly, I was getting pretty annoyed with it. But I’m a Vassar student, and an avowed progressive, and I’m willing to post any thinkpiece if it means an end to injustice.

So I’ve been reading, and the more I do,

the more I realize that this “war” business isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I mean, there’s lots of good reasons to do it! Research tells us that sometimes war is necessary, like when we liberated Vietnam or Korea or Afghanistan or Iraq or Iran or Haiti or the Dominican Republic or Guatemala or Cuba or Chile or Cuba again. But other times, war is bad, like when we view all of those conflicts in retrospect 10 to 50 years down the line. Right now, it seems like the wars going on might be the first kind, but who knows what we’ll think a decade from now?

Warmongers, unlike wars, seem to improve with age. When George W. Bush started a war in Iraq, we recognized that he was a warmonger, but also knew that a response to foreign terror was necessary. Now we understand that the war in Iraq was evil, but can recognize that Bush

was a principled moderate compared to Trump. Based on this, we can predict that Trump will be validated by history after Solaris Superfuentes declares war on all life on Earth in 2029.

It turns out war is bad because of the massive costs to all nations involved.

When we bomb civilians, America wastes valuable white phosphorus and America loses sources of cheap foreign labor. And that’s not even mentioning the human cost: American soldiers might die!

Probably one of the worst things about war is how inevitable it is. Most problems in America have two solutions, one for each possible political position that a human could hold. But “peace” has not succeeded in the marketplace of ideas. So, much like how all two political ideologies have failed to imagine an alternate to the American

MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE

healthcare system, a solution to gun violence or a reason to care about transgender people, it seems there is no option for us but war. For my part, I like blue war better than red war, but I dream of a day when we can bridge the political gap and agree to disagree.

Yes, war is complicated indeed. We don’t want Americans to die, but if we won’t intervene in foreign elections, who will? We don’t want to be complicit in crimes against humanity, but if we aren’t, how will we ensure a flow of cheap goods into our country? Yes, we all want peace—but is it even realistic? After all, it seems societies must be as aggressive as the Spartans or Romans, lest they be extinguished entirely.

The more I hear about war, the less I like it, but the more I accept it. You should too, or you hate democracy.

April 2, 2026

HOROSCO-PEAS

Page 9

Emma daRosa Happea and Healthy

ARIES

March 21 | April 19

TAURUS

April 20 | May 20

GEMINI

May 21 | June 20

CANCER

June 21 | July 22

LEO

July 23 | Aug. 22

VIRGO

Aug. 23 | Sept. 22

Someone wise told me last week that if your pee is too dark to be reasonably sold as lemonade, you’re not drinking enough water. Highly applicable to the dehydrated state you’re in. Drink something besides coffee this week!

Did you get a chance to try the chocolate pea milk in the Deece before it was gone? I didn’t think so. Take that as a warning this week. Try something new before you miss out!!

This week someone is going to try to convince you to wear an adult diaper so that you can spend one million hours in line for something stupid. Don’t do it! Nobody wants to be like those freaks spending New Year's Eve in Times Square.

You need to be eating more peas. Or just…Just anything with any fiber. I have to tell you that it’s not normal for you to warn people after you eat broccoli. You should be able to eat broccoli.

This is going to be a great week! Well, that is if you consider tripping and falling in the Deece eight times to be great. At least it’s not nine!

There’s going to be an awkward silence at a group meal this week. Fear not! You can interrupt this uncomfortable moment with a well-timed joke. Might I suggest, “What did the dad pea say to his rowdy kids?” “Peas be quiet!!!”

MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE

Gonna be a tough week, also urinewise. Maybe time for a trip to Premier Urology in Eastdale Village. At least you could get a Rossi’s sandwich or perhaps a mini pie when you go!

LIBRA

Sept. 23 | Oct. 22

SCORPIO

Oct. 23 | Nov. 21

STOP EATING PEAS RIGHT NOW. The stars have shown me that you’re going to die in a pea-choking incident. I guess you’ll have to quit for life. Bummer.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22 | Dec. 21

You’re actually going to pee wayyyy too much this week. Like, I’m kind of concerned for you. It’s going to be really embarrassing. Everyone’s going to start calling you Mr. Piss.

Going to be a tough week for your friendships. You’re going to get into a CAPRICORN HUGE fight about the best legume. Maybe Dec. 22 | try walking in the other person’s shoes.

Jan. 19 Give peas a chance.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20 | Feb. 18

PISCES

Feb. 19 | March 20

You’ll never believe this. This week, you need to watch out. It seems like someone might drop a whole bowl of frozen peas, you’ll slip on them AND piss yourself when you fall!!!

You’re going to make a really great friend this week. Like, you’ll find your BFF soulmate. People are going to be talking about you guys. You’ll be like two…two…two things in a pod? You know what I mean.

April 2, 2026

Page 10

Misc

to

be

replaced

by

Luke Jenkins & Chloe Rogers Dairy Detectives

Grass inside my shoe — Wooden stick like a beaver.

Spoons debut at “Sweets”

MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE

artsy

haikus

April 2, 2026

Page 11

30 changes we’ll make before we fix Raymond Office for Upgrading Campus Smooth Renovators

T

his message is on behalf of OFUC also known as the Office for Upgrading Campus. Many of you have probably noticed that the Deece now features fancier ice cream and speakers. We have received many messages along the lines of “I live in Raymond and can’t get a quality shower but you put speakers in the Deece? Make it make sense!” So that’s what we’re going to do. We are embracing transparency and are giving you the list of things we have to do before we can renovate Raymond.

1. Give every single plant on campus a plaque with its name and pronouns (plants have a sex, look it up) 2. Purify Fizz 3. Put speakers on the other side of the Deece

14. Create a Vassar football team (Go Vassar Whores!)

15. Convince Anne Hathaway to finish her Vassar degree 16. Compile a list of every professor in the possession of human remains or other contraband

ela 22. Schedule a peace meeting between The Daily Wire and Burlesque 23. Make sure none of the vending machines talk back or give you attitude 24. Solve the Trolley Problem

17. Buy the right to say the title of movies instead of wink-wink descriptions

25. Settle vary lawsuits that result from solving the Trolley Problem

18. Remember the items that we forgot to put on this list

26. Have a Vassar alum become POTUS

19.End the gender pay gap 20. Realize what John’s (of PB&J) day job actually is 21. Resolve the political conflict in Venezu-

27. Explain how exactly tenure works 28. Foster world peace 29. Count to infinity 30. Renovate Lath

Overheard on campus "Yeah, so basically my thesis is an interdisciplinary look at intersectionality through a multicultural lens, and I plan to investigate the liberal arts by using feminist ideologies that are of course informed by the canon of sociological theory and critical frameworks. Does that make sense?"

"I mean, misogyny is one thing, but we're talking about the Straits of the Bosphorus here.

Is nothing sacred these days?"

4. Buy chai for the president’s teas 5. Get every member of the Vassar community tickets to see “The Devil Wears Prada 2” starring Meryl Streep ’71 6. Perfect discourse on the Middle East

"So I was walking through the Nircle on my way to the Deece when I saw my athlesbian crush drop her v-card but before I could grab it for her a womp-womp scooped it up and took it into its burrow under where the snort was.

Classic!"

7. Fix the internet so that Vassar doesn’t pop up when you google “Ivy League Whorehouse” 8. Reclaim “Ivy League Whorehouse” as a badge of honor and change our sports team names from the Vassar Brewers to the Vassar Whores 9. Go five years without raising tuition costs 10. Get everyone to like Course Match 11. Fix the Retreat tables so they don’t move 12. Make Blodgett Hall easy to navigate 13. Explain dark matter

New

Misc

Aidan McEachern Perhaps the author

A

ccording to a new story in The Miscellany News, an article in the most recent edition of the newspaper references itself.

The story, by author Aidan McEachern, is being written right now on his computer.

However, at the time of publication it will be printed in newspapers across the Vassar College campus.

Readers of the story have noted that the article written by Mr. McEachern is in and of itself a commentary on the fact that the article is writing about its own outrageous meta nature. Further, sources familiar with the article have pointed out that the title also mentions the article's self-referencing style.

Even the article itself mentions the fact that its own title references the article referencing itself, even stating that the current sentence references the title referencing the article, which references itself.

For more clarification, The Misc reached out to the preliminary expert in all things confusing, Christopher Nolan. In a letter to The Misc, Nolan commented: “Look, I made a whole movie about time proceeding forwards and backwards simultaneously, but I have no clue what this article is saying.”

Annie McShane/The Miscellany News.

article

references

Critics of the article have brought up the question of whether an article which references itself should be considered a work of journalism which deals with the subject of its own writing, or a literary piece which concerns itself with the subject of its own dealing with the subject of its referencing to its own contents. Some have even gone so far as to say that an article which talks about itself is commenting on the reality that it in and of itself is writing about the fact that it is using its own sentences to explain that it is allocating its own paragraphs to the purpose of explaining that it is talking about its own subject matter’s pattern of cyclical chaos.

At this point, the reader of this article may wonder: “What is even the point of such confusing self-commentary? Surely all this text is just a waste of space. I mean, who would publish an article this foolish? And why now on the second of April?”

Perhaps this hypothetical reader is correct.

Maybe this article should just drop the whole “meta” thing and write about a serious journalism topic like the Referee Society Whistleblower or the National Rarity Shortage.

Even the article itself raises the question of whether referencing itself is really the right decision. But, alas, even reporting that the article in question (this one) has any self-

itself

doubts about its own self-commentary is in itself a self-reference, proving that maybe it is impossible to escape such paradoxy after all.

Very confused and with no hope in sight, one may wonder how life can go on in a world where something can reference its own being. Perhaps one may daydream of a simpler world. A world full of green trees, rolling hills and beautiful gardens. A world where the sky is blue, the sun is shining and the line at the retreat is shorter than Lord Farquaad as a child. But, most importantly, a world where dramatic irony and metafiction are a thing of the past. A world where no movie, no book nor article knows anything of its own creation. A world where Meta is still named FaceBook, and “framework” just means the industry of building frames. But, alas, we can only imagine. In the meantime we must embrace the meta.

Well, how shall this strange article end?

Perhaps the third to last sentence will reference how the article asked how it would end. Perhaps the second to last sentence will suggest a possible ending; then again, maybe not. Or perhaps this sentence—the one you are reading right now—will be the one which puts an end to this meta madness once and for all.

MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE

"And as I look up, pea milk dripping down my cheeks and throat, I realize that I'd been duped: he wasn't even actually vegan!"

"I wish Vassar was more accessible for people like me. People who don't recieve financial aid" "Virginity is a social construct anyway; they made it up to punish deviation from the hegemonic norm. So, no, I don't think it matters whether I'm a 'nose virgin,' and if you were a feminist, neither would you."

"I honestly don't get why people hated Stephen Cash so much. I mean, who among us didn't help write the PATRIOT Act?...Just me?"

Page 12

April 2, 2026

What

women’s

Abbie Zhang

Guest Columnist

“D

o women ejaculate?”

Independent filmmaker M.M. Serra poses this question to the room. The audience bursts into laughter, while fellow panelist and filmmaker Peggy Ahwesh covers her face with her hands and tries to redirect the conversation. I had come for 'Women's Work: preserving independent film and video histories'—but this, too, was seminal women's work. Serra’s provocation exposed a connection between sexuality and filmmaking that clearly resonated with the room.

What started as a candid discussion about feminist filmmaking quickly evolved into a sharp critique of today’s systems. What the event made clear was this: women’s independent film history is often overlooked and at times treated as disposable, and the burden of saving it falls back on artists, archivists, and activists who are building their own support structures from scratch.

I was in the presence of change-making women: filmmakers from innovative collectives of the ’70s through the ’90s, scholars, archivists and media organizers from the Hudson Valley and New York City, who gathered as panelists and audience members. As a beginner in film studies, I regret to say I had not heard of any of them before I looked at the roster and did research. Their work—and their style—are remarkable, and they may want to start guarding their wardrobes from imminent theft.

Panelists revealed the fragility of feminist media history and the urgency of keeping it alive against the backdrop of the growing crisis of the disappearance of women’s studies and Diversity, Equity and Inclusion (DEI) programs at universities following

independent

threats from the U.S. Department of Education to withdraw federal funding. What does “women’s work” mean today, and how does it survive when institutions fail it?

As Professor Emerita of Cinema and Media Studies from Indiana University Joan Hawkins revealed, ’70s feminist scholars had to practically invent their own study materials and archives. Today’s generation of film students cannot afford to let these hard-fought archives be lost again. Juana Suárez, a New York University professor and Director of the Moving Image Archiving and Preservation Program, explained that, fortunately, there has been a women’s archival rush in recent decades, a long-overdue effort to recover decades of neglected work.

Still, there are innumerable films to rescue and the real challenge lies in determining which ones are worth saving, added DeeDee Halleck, media activist, filmmaker and co-founder of Paper Tiger Television.

What struck me was the imminent concern over the loss of institutional support for DEI and women’s studies, which could fundamentally impact current and future generations of women filmmakers and preservation efforts. Hawkins lamented that current political rollbacks and attacks on DEI are pushing women independent filmmakers to the fringes, forcing them to work almost like dissidents behind the Iron Curtain during WWII. Sandra Schulberg, president of IndieCollect, identified exhibiting women’s work as her biggest challenge, with patriarchal barriers compounded by the impacts of the Trump administration’s whitewashing and DEI rollbacks. She urged the room - largely made up of film professionals - to unite in opposition. Experimental filmmaker Abigail Child’s insistence that “art must disrupt” needs to be understood with the question: what does effective dis-

film

ruption look like today? We might feel the instinct to create more protest-oriented art, but as Black Planet Productions co-founder Cyrille Phipps reminded the room, “The powers that be are already entirely comfortable with our protests.” If protest and documentation of institutional abuses of power are now expected, we must focus on adamantly building the alternative infrastructures that these institutions are actively trying to dismantle, moving beyond simply making ‘oppositional art’. Schulberg insisted that the future of women’s independent film lies in creating and maintaining infrastructure specifically designed to support it, such as film collectives, mentorship programs and alternative distribution networks. “We are not going to build more institutions, which will become ossified over time.”

If the future of independent cinema depends on “infrastructure,” what role could Vassar College play in building that locally?

During the panel, I talked with Duana C. Butler ’91, a filmmaker, producer and arts administrator, about how students can engage with independent cinema and how campus resources and local arts communities can intersect. She painted a vivid picture of the film culture she experienced as a film and Africana studies student: “At Strong—and other dorms—myself and others would rent films from the local video store [...] We would schedule time in the multipurpose/TV room and I would be screening films I rented and others in the dorm—the cinephiles—would join. Or I would join and watch films others had rented.” Today at Vassar, student organizations like Vassar College Television (VCTV) and the Film Majors’ Committee continue the tradition by curating diverse screenings beyond the classroom. Butler and her friends

needs

also sometimes “[left] campus to attend the Juliet theater.”

Unfortunately, the theater closed in 1990.

This is where Vassar’s current plans to redevelop Arlington become crucial. The college has the unique opportunity to support the local arts culture by investing in theaters, cinemas and public events and programming.

“With this said, it is important at this stage for interested parties within the Vassar community to make their voices heard about what they would like to see in terms of building this culture as part of Vassar's future plans for Arlington,” Butler said.

“Building bridges with the surrounding community to partner on events, screenings, programs, etc. with Vassar’s existing film and theater programs will be critical to building community, assessing the possibilities and learning what the local cultural community needs and wants.” One example of this effort is FILM 222: “Curating Microcinemas,” a course I am part of, in which students are organizing a pop-up microcinema in partnership with Hudson River Housing. Projects like this show how institutional resources can be used to democratize access to and cultivate the local community’s engagement with alternative forms of cinema. While students and community members rarely get a say in real estate decisions like the Arlington redevelopment, if institutions like Vassar truly want to avoid ossifying, they must listen to and prioritize the voices of student and local creatives who will be using these spaces.

As the panel wound down, someone in the audience answered Serra’s opening question.

“By the way,” they called out, “women do ejaculate. It’s called Femme Fountain. Look it up. ”

Image courtesy of Karen Mogami '24.

MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE

April 2, 2026

Moving

Page 13

to

Seth Jenkins

Guest Columnist

F

rancis Fukuyama, an American Political Scientist and Philosopher, asks whether history has reached its endpoint—whether the major contradictions of human life have been resolved within liberal democracy. Famously, his answer is yes. Fascism and communism have been defeated. What remains, in his view, is a world moving unevenly but inevitably toward a single political and economic form. Everything else is merely an event along the way.

Fukuyama even tells us not to concern ourselves with “strange thoughts” in countries like Burkina Faso. Once the West has declared the central questions answered, the rest of humanity is reduced to ethnonoise. The hard work, supposedly, has already been done. Civilization has arrived. What remains is only adoption, imitation or delay.

But it does matter what happens in Burkina Faso. It matters that states across Africa are pursuing development strategies shaped by local priorities rather than inherited Western models. It matters that political imagination is not confined to the North Atlantic nor exhausted by liberal democracy. The African Union replacing the Organization of African Unity; South Africa joining BRICS, the Brazil-Russia-India-China-South Africa alliance; and Burkina Faso helping form the Alliance des États du Sahel show that so-called “strange thoughts” have not disappeared at all.

They have found fertile ground in which to grow.

Fukuyama’s argument also rests on the belief that liberal democracy has resolved its internal contradictions and does not merely produce inequality as an emergent function. Yet the Panama Papers, Pandora Papers, LuxLeaks and the enduring permissiveness around elite financial misconduct, including weak regulation and enforcement around congressional stock trading and the broader protection of elite networks, suggest oth-

We Columnist

he life of a writer is no easy life. Simply ask Ernest Hemingway. We at The Miscellany News have grown to understand this. The combination of deadlines, the stress of writing and balancing our journalistic practice with our collegiate commitments is frankly one of the great struggles of mankind. However, with the rise of new technologies, a solution to this crisis exists. This solution is, as all great new technologies are, highly controversial. Nevertheless, in this essay, I will paint a clear and convincing picture of why and how we as writers can change The Miscellany News and change journalism forever by embracing AI. I understand that at a woke-aholic school such as this one, the idea of using AI might terrify some. AI is hardly the most loved by the types who dominate this wonderful place, but this is because the people are poisoned by flawed and robophobic propaganda. Firstly, by embracing AI, we will be able to massively hasten the amount of writing the people can access. Do you all not want to read a lot? Is your biggest dream in life not to read The Miscellany News, to see your peers’ brilliance displayed before your very eyes? These are leading questions, but they lead us, like a hero’s journey, to a place of true beauty. In our coming embrace of AI, we will be able to reach new heights in our coverage of the world around us. A new era will be upon The Miscellany News, and we can bring this brilliance to the wider world of journalism.

The speed of AI allows writers to simply give it our genius ideas, and let it do all the hard and, frankly, silly work.

Furthermore, AI will massively improve the arduous editing process. My comrades in the writ-

more

open

erwise. Liberal democracy does not simply fail to prevent inequality. It repeatedly reproduces and protects it.

Its claim to stability has also come under strain.

The attempted assertion of emergency power in South Korea under Yoon Suk Yeol, alongside repeated military interventions in parts of Southeast Asia and the Global South, shows that democratic institutions are not as settled as Fukuyama suggests. The United Kingdom’s decision to leave the European Union through Brexit was a direct rejection of a liberal order it helped construct.

At the same time, the continued existence of the British monarchy alongside parliamentary democracy demonstrates that political forms do not resolve into a single coherent model.

Russia continues to assert itself through military force in its war with Ukraine. This is not a relic of a defeated ideology fading into irrelevance but an active challenge to the liberal international order. China has risen as a global power while maintaining a political system fundamentally distinct from liberal democracy, exporting firms like Huawei and Build Your Dreams alongside its governance model. Its doctrine of non-military interference has not weakened; Chinese communism is not disappearing. Meanwhile, despite its similar isolationism, Iran continues to project regional power in part through its own distinct political system.

Even the moral coherence Fukuyama assumes is unsettled. A recent vote at the United Nations addressing the legacy of the transatlantic slave trade revealed sharp disagreement among states that are supposed to share a common framework of values. But a close reading of the 13th Amendment, which actually allows slavery for incarcerated individuals, may have already foreshadowed some of these tensions. The codification of slavery, in any form including its present, prevents the Nation from dealing with the legacy of the Transatlantic trade.

Economic convergence tells a similar story. The

must Eli Lerdau

T

a

expansion of BRICS reflects an effort by major states to build institutions and financial relationships that operate alongside Western systems.

Discussions of alternative currencies and settlement mechanisms suggest that even the monetary foundations of the current order are not fixed. At the same time, the rise of cryptocurrencies introduces new forms of exchange that do not depend on traditional state structures at all. These are not replacements, at least not yet. They are experiments. They signal that the space of possibility remains open.

Fukuyama assumes that history requires large, unified ideological systems to continue. Without fascism or communism as rivals, he sees no engine for further transformation. That assumption is flawed. History does not depend on a single axis of conflict. It depends on contestation itself.

Contest has not disappeared. It has multiplied across economic, cultural, political and technological domains.

Fukuyama feared the emergence of a passive “last man,” content within a stable system that no longer demands struggle. He should have finished “God Emperor of Dune.” People are not passive. They are engaged, reactive and often overwhelmed by the pace of change. Protest movements, political volatility and the constant renegotiation of norms indicate not satisfaction but pressure.

This is the best time to be alive—not because it is calm, but because it is unsettled. Nothing meaningful happens in a closed system. The ability to shape one’s world requires uncertainty and freedom: the freedom to move, the freedom to refuse and the freedom to imagine something different.

It requires that outcomes are not predetermined.

We are living inside that condition now, a period of possibility that is as unstable as it is generative.

There are no final forms to reach, no endpoint waiting to resolve history for us.

This is not the end of history. It is the beginning of a more open one.

embrace

ing world can confirm the frustrating and stressful process that is the editors’ line. Sitting down in my parlor on a Monday night only to see my piece torn to shreds by random strangers I have never met, I question the use of it all. This is not even to begin to discuss the often meaningless nature of so many edits. I open a perfectly crafted piece, one which I spent untold hours upon, only to see a dozen comma changes. I mean, truly, do we not remember George Orwell, who said, “Ignore punctuation if needed.” Why then do I need so much advice on such trivial things? Or think of word choice, the endless differing opinions on one sentence, arguing day in and day out about something that is, for all intents and purposes, nothingness. AI would solve this horrible crisis with ease.

By using tools like ChatGPT, we can perfect our punctuation and grammar to the point of never needing silly editors.

However, I wish to address my critics before they can come screaming into my inbox—beginning with the simply flawed notion that AI is unable to write to the level of any human. It may be true that the writers at The Miscellany News are excellent, being brilliant columnists and reporters, but the same is not true across the writing world. One look at the Bard Student Newspaper will confirm this. If you truly believe that AI could not write some of that, you are a lost soul who will never be found. If we simply give AI the right prompts, it can equal or perhaps even surpass our own brilliant writers. Not only this, but one day The Miscellany News may not be full of such brilliance. As the old adage goes, “strong people make good times, good times make weak people, weak people make hard times.” History has followed this cycle, and we are on the path to continue it.

We are at the stage of good times, which will lead

future

AI

to weak writers. However, this can be changed if we embrace AI. I, secondly, wish to address the issue of plagiarism we see so often discussed in the robophobic world. Many so-called “progressives” who hold anti-robot bias claim that AI being trained on real writers somehow makes things written by AI plagiarism. This is simply ridiculous. AI training is no different from the training we give to our students in schools. Is reading Mary Shelley’s “Frankenstein” not simply training us to write like her?

When I read an essay from Leo Tolstoy, is this not a form of training? Are we not then all plagiarists?

Of course not, this notion is absurd in every sense.

To call AI plagiarism would be to call all writers who attempt to write scientific fiction, horror or any other preexisting genre plagiarists.

Finally, I wish to address the environmental critique. Firstly, regarding the issue of water usage. According to the brilliant and handsome Sam Altman, AI uses only “one fifteenth of a teaspoon” of water per prompt. In comparison, I see some people drinking three to four bottles of water a day.

Who are you all to cry so much about AI yet drink so much water? Secondly, on the issue of data centers, frankly, who cares? Look at how much damage is done by oil companies, those jeans you wear or the iPhones you all love to use and then tell me I am a villain for making life better with AI. There is no question that the issue of AI is, like all big issues, complicated and nuanced. I understand this completely and do not hate my opponents. However, I believe they are naive. Our forefathers opposed TV and computers, and now we are making that same mistake. If we truly want to build a better world, and a better Miscellany News, we need AI. To achieve the editorial board’s goal of “Make the Misc Great Again,” we need AI.

MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE

Wordon theStreet Q u es t i on : Which House ( besides your own) is the best House and why?

"I literally do not care. Having a favorite house is like nationalism."

- Julian Balsley ’28 "Lathrop. Branding is important, and a honey badger plus the color PINK takes the cake. No notes, 10/10."

- Luke Jenkins '26 "Josselyn is the best house because it is the most spacious and probably haunted."

- Rebecca Rodriguez ’26 "Main House. Food at foot. Laundry same floor."

- Berk Meral ’28 "Main—recent renovations, convenient access to food, academic buildings and communal spaces!"

- Angela Moon ’28 "Strong. Clean bathrooms and big rooms."

- Joy Zhang ’27 "Main is the best because it is located at the center of the campus" - Shawn Li ’28 "Josselyn, it has the right mix of 'old dorm gross' and 'old dorm pretty.'"

- Eva Martinez ’26

Page 14

April 2, 2026

Brewers

Ballin':

No

one

doing

it

like

Our goal with Brewers Ballin’ is to feature Vassar athletes who starred for their team the week previous to publishing.

If you would like to nominate an athlete, please email hfrance@vassar.edu.

Yew

Brewers Ballin’ Name: Japanese Yew Tree (Taxus cuspidata) Team: Vassar Arboretum Year: Old, possibly a centenarian Stats: Provided shade to 67 students over the course of the week.

Statement: "It was a tough winter, but I pushed through. I tell myself every day to stay grounded, trust my roots and just try to grow one percent. We’re not done yet; spring is just getting started, and I am super stoked for what I can bring this campus."

Image courtesy of Casey McMenamin '26.

Recent

Men's Volleyball W, 3-0 vs. St. John Fisher

Baseball, W, 15-5 vs. Union College

Men's Lacrosse W, 10-9 vs. #RV Clarkson University

Women's Lacrosse L, 6-19 @ #8 William Smith College

Men's Tennis W, 4-3 @ Ithica College

Women's Tennis W, 7-0 @ Ithaca College

Last

week

Results

in

Vassar

Brewers

sports

Vassar College to start Football Program in Fall 2027

M + W Rowing swamps two boats

Haley Schoenegge ’27 announces early retirement

New Head Coach John Bradley announced that David Bray ’27 is set to start at quarterback with Armaan Desai ’27 and Holland Kaplan ’27 holding down the offensive line.

Early Friday morning, two crews found themselves sitting in 40 degree water for upwards of 15 minutes after a sudden shift in weather left the rowers contemplating why they joined the team.

The Junior track phenom said in a prepared statement, “I just don’t feel the competitiveness anymore. I have won all there is to win. Who knows, maybe Coach Bradley needs a new wide receiver.”

Upcoming

Match

Spotlight

Men's Volleyball vs. #4 Stevens Institute of Technology Saturday, April 4th 12:00 pm @ Kenyon Hall MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE

April 2, 2026

Page 15

What does the rest of the NBA season look like?

Ben Kaplan

Guest Columnist

W

ell, another mediocre All-Star break has passed. The most notable events, if, like me, you did not care to watch, were the hilariously underwhelming dunk contest and the “KD Files” unfolding on X formerly Twitter, where All-Star Kevin Durant might have been exposed for talking smack about his teammates on a burner account. Regardless, we are nearing the stage of the season where we can safely look both forward and backward to ascertain what is going on with each team and who might win it all this June.

Most disappointing team: This is a tough one. You could give it to the New Orleans Pelicans for finally having a seemingly competent roster but still being terrible, all without their pick for next year due to a disastrous trade with the Atlantic Hawks in last years draft. Or the Houston Rockets for underperforming somewhat while going all-in on a Kevin Durant trade last off season. Or even the New York Knicks for forgetting how to play defense, while the Eastern Division is wide open. For me, though, the clear favorite here is the Orlando Magic. The swing-and-a-miss on the Desmond Bane trade has become a miscalculation, as his play has stagnated and has not improved the team too much, while injuries plague much of the roster still, especially Jalen Suggs. The real crux of this team is former No. 1 overall pick Paolo Banchero, who has become a pariah in how middling his play has gotten and how limited his bag is as a player, though he has been improving slightly as the season rolls on. This team can hover around mediocrity for now and for some time, but it will eventually crack under light pressure.

Most surprising team: Detroit basketball

EXCLUSIVE: Henry France, Casey McMenamin Ball-Knowers

A

s first reported by The Miscellany News, NBA superstar and Los Angeles Lakers forward LeBron James has announced his commitment to continue his athletic and academic career at Vassar College, joining the Class of 2030 in a shocking move that has been verified

by Vassar College and Vassar Athletics.

James will be trading in his basketball shoes for golf spikes as he takes on a new challenge: the game of golf. James has only recently picked up the sport, but it has quickly evolved into an obsession of his. The 41-year-old four-time NBA champion told The Miscellany News in an exclusive interview that he will be retiring from the NBA after this season to become the first Vassar men’s golf athlete as the school is establishing a men’s golf team. Declaring for the NBA draft out of high school, James maintains his four years of NCAA eligibility. The move is surprising, but it is not altogether unbelievable.

James has spent more and more time on the course in recent years as he nears retirement, and he has let people know.

James consistently posts pictures and videos of his swing and golf journey on Instagram. We interviewed one long-time Division III golf coach to find out how good James’ swing is. The coach said, “Look, for someone who’s 6 ft. 9 in. and 250 pounds, it’s promising. He generates a ton

is back! The Pistons have exploded onto the scene as the top of an admittedly weak Eastern Conference, but they have momentum and an MVP candidate in Cade Cunningham. The biggest improvements this season have been a jump in productivity from center Jalen Duren and added defensive leaps from Ausar Thompson. This is a gritty and unselfish team, but they are winning games and, if you view basketball like their backup center, Isiah Stewart, getting into a lot of good fights. The Boston Celtics are a clear second for this due to a massive overperformance, but that is still not as shocking considering the skills we have seen from Derrick White and Jaylen Brown in their careers already. Third is the Charlotte Hornets, for finally clicking together as a unit with the addition of Rookie of the Year contender Kon Knueppel.

MVP Favorite: This still remains a twohorse race between the horse-loving Nikola Jokic and reigning MVP Shai Gilgeous-Alexander (SGA). Fundamentally, both face similar issues down the stretch of having to fight against the 65-game restrictions, as injuries have sidelined Jokic and SGA for periods of the season. What I see, and what I hope the voters see, is that SGA has one of the best supporting casts in NBA history around him, whilst Jokic, though playing with a cast of good-to-great role players, has had to watch nearly his entire starting lineup, including himself, take time off for injuries. Due to this, and for his ability to once again make Denver a true competitor, I think it should be Jokic, but it could go to either and voters will likely side with the more defensively-skilled SGA or, as momentum changes, possibly the San Antonio Spurs’ alien big man Victor Wembanyama.

Eastern Conference Champion: There are many good picks for this prediction.

Dark horses like an Embiid-healthy Phil-

LeBron

James

of torque, maybe too much torque. Right now, when he connects with the ball, he can hit it 350 yards down the fairway— now, he just needs to make sure it's the fairway of the hole he’s playing, but that’s coachable. In basketball, the mid-range has never been James’ game, and that is true with his golf game as well. James needs to hone in his irons if he wants to compete in the D-III scene. The most exciting part about James as a prospect is the work ethic. We all know about the effort and intention James puts into his craft; it is the single biggest reason he has maintained a 20-plus-year NBA career, but golf is an entirely different animal: golf requires patience and finesse. In golf, James cannot play bully ball and drive to the cup every possession like he can in basketball.

Finally, I worry about how he will adjust to the mental side of the game. You know, he’s no Jordan in that respect.” The interviewee preferred to stay anonymous, citing concerns about the “Klutch Sports Group Mafia.”

Vassar College Director of Athletics Michelle Walsh is excited about the move.

Currently, Vassar has a women’s golf team but no men’s squad. James will be the first piece of the puzzle in what will be a legendary build out for Vassar Athletics. Walsh told The Miscellany News, “We are more than excited to welcome LeBron James to Poughkeepsie. There is no one better to build a Division III men’s golf program on than The Akron Hammer.”

Women’s golf Head Coach Lisa Klenotiz

adelphia 76ers or a rising Toronto Raptors team lurks whilst the Knicks underperform and the Cleveland Cavaliers continue their new James Harden era. But the dark horse who has risen and has all the momentum in my eyes is clear: The Boston Celtics.

Behind superb coaching from Joe Mazzula alongside huge leaps from nearly every role player, the Celtics are deep, defensively minded and have passion in their play.

It also helps that Jaylen Brown, after years of hate towards his handle and salary, has blossomed into a fringe MVP candidate, and he is joined by a rusty yet still highly effective Jayson Tatum after an anomalous return from his Achilles tear. In what was supposed to be a gap year, the Celtics have regained the gritty play and intensity in players such as Neemias Queta, Jordan Walsh and Hugo Gonzalez that were wavering by the end of the Porzingis-Holiday era.

And with the East wide open, it might be time for TD Garden to host the finals again, only two seasons after Boston brought home the chip.

Western Conference Champion: Though not reaching the heights that the beginning of the season projected, the Oklahoma City Thunder (OKC) are just too good. Even after minor slumps, they bounced right back and are, like last season, succeeding even with injuries. The biggest boon to this team right now was at the trade deadline, where wizard general manager Sam Presti did it again and acquired young star guard Jared McCain from the Philadelphia 76ers for just a few picks. McCain has already brought scoring off the bench on an already stacked roster, and this has been complimented by breakouts across the season from Ajay Mitchell and Jaylin Williams alongside continued bench support from Cason Wallace, Alex Caruso and Isaiah Joe. This is not even factoring in the absolutely evil, fully

commits

to

echoed Walsh’s comments, telling The Miscellany News, “After a rocky couple seasons, we can’t wait to work with LeBron as we recruit the rest of the incoming class. He is sure to be an inspiration to all.” Klenotiz will be helping to recruit the remainder of James’ class;) however, she will be focusing solely on the women’s team in the long run. Vassar will be bringing in a new hire to lead the men's golf team. A number of names have been rumored to sit down for an interview with Walsh. The names include Tiger Woods, J.R. Smith, Jonathan Hood PhD and James himself.

James is following in the footsteps of his former teammate J.R. Smith who walked on to North Carolina A&T’s golf team in 2021 following a lengthy NBA career of his own. Smith earned a perfect 4.0 gradepoint average and was named the school’s Academic Athlete of the Year. James plans to major in business. Veering from their longtime stance of not offering business classes, the school has made an exception for James. Dean of Studies Thomas Porcello told The Miscellany News, “While the school has been confident in its decision to avoid offering business courses, we must adapt to the changing athletics and academics landscape. We are eager to trial our inaugural business course:) BS 102:) ‘Fundamentals of Business’ taught by the legendary Warren Buffett who will be guest teaching this course since retiring from his longtime role at Berkshire Hathaway. We are eager to take this new

MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE

healthy starting lineup of a still-developing Jalen Williams and Chet Holmgren alongside SGA, defensive menace Lugentz Dort and seasoned big-man Isaiah Hartenstein.

Could I see a big injury or two in the playoffs halting OKC from winning it all again?

Sure. This is no invulnerable team as the seven-game series last season against the Denver Nuggets and Indiana Pacers displayed, but it would take a lot to keep them from trouncing a middling Rockets team, an injury-riddled Nuggets team, or even a deep Minnesota Timberwolves roster, though Anthony Edwards could always rise to the moment. Their biggest obstacle is the 2nd seeded San Antonio Spurs, who have enough defensive intangibles and scoring to pull off the upset, but OKC has the experience, and I see them pulling through unless outside factors come in.

NBA Championship: If my predictions stand and we get the Celtics versus the Thunder, I would take the Thunder in six, though a seven game series is not out of the question. Tatum, Brown and White are a great cast, with great weapons around them, but they will have to match the OKC defensive intensity that has made their modern dominance so strong. The Celtics will claw their way to a few wins, but OKC is just too deep, too defensively thorough and knows how to eke out a win in Adam Silver’s NBA. They are clear favorites for a reason, and a second ring and possible second finals MVP would cement SGA as the best guard and possible face of the NBA. Other predictions I have: Defensive Player of the Year: Victor Wembanyama Most Improved Player: Ryan Rollins Sixth Man of the Year: Naz Reid Rookie of the Year: Cooper Flagg OR Kon Knuepple, will depend on Hornets continued success.

Vassar

Golf

step.”

Instead of living in a quaint Raymond House double with another first-year student, James has made special arrangements for his housing. Working directly with the Assistant Dean of Student Living and Wellness, Dr. Rich Horowitz, Vassar will be building a private residence for James that is directly adjacent to the golf course. The planned estate will be 23,000 square feet and include a private putting green, golf simulator and a 10,000 bottle wine cellar, among many other extravagant features. There are rumors percolating that the house will cost north of 20 million dollars, and that in order to pay for the project, the College will have to reinstate paid laundry services as well as cancel Sushi Wednesdays. In replacement of Sushi Wednesday, the school will now offer “taco tuesday.”Dr. Horowitz declined to comment on the matter when The Miscellany News reached out. James appeared unconcerned with the rumors, remarking, “A king needs his castle.”

While everyone from coaches to administrators to fans are eager about James’ arrival, no one is more excited than the incoming Brewer himself. In an interview with James, he told The Miscellany News, “Joining Brewer Nation is a big step in my career. I’ve given the game of basketball everything I have, and it’s time for a new challenge. Poughkeepsie was the obvious choice for me to become the man Savannah thinks I am… haha! LeGolfer coming soon!”

April 2, 2026

Page 16

“The Miscellany Sc-avian-ger Hunt”

By Sadie Keesbirdy and Felix Mundy-Manchicken

Sadie Keesbury/The Miscellany News.

Answers to last week's maze:

MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE