Islander Edition IV Issue 4: April Fools

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April 1, 2015


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Volume IV, Edition 4

Inside by

Sean Bender sports editor

School allots more passing period time for public displays of affection Features > Page 2


Queen Izzy and “King� Philipp

ministers of propoganda

For the past 20 years, Mount Rushmore National Memorial has been mysteriously closed to the public, the famous sculpted heads of presidents kept under rain protectors for “cleaning.� As routine as this may sound, the process was extended another 20 years in 1995 to “really make their eyes sparkle,� said Former President Bill Clinton. However, at 9 a.m. PST today, the rain protectors were uncovered to reveal much-needed updates to the National treasure.

The beloved, yet outdated faces of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt, and Abraham Lincoln have been replaced with those of MIHS luminaries Curtis Johnston, David Willecke, Dino Annest, and Chris Twombley, respectively. The recarving was conducted under the watchful eye of Chief Designer Vicki Puckett, stonemason esquire. On April 1, 2015, lines of visitors eagerly stood by as the legendary memorial opened its doors for the first time in 20 years. Standing before the crowd, the power quartet proud-

ly announced their run for Presidency, and the mountain’s coverings dramatically fell, revealing the picturesque changes made to the famous landmark. The event was nationally televised, and the entire country cheered at the revelation. The teachers continued with a speech about their plans following their inevitable election. Humbly, they wish to continue teaching, so as copresidents they will commission all of MIHS to move to Washington, D.C. and operate as a prestigious, mandatory boarding school in the White House. Though this may cause minor

inconvenience to a few selfish students, the almighty teachers strongly believe the move is necessary. So does 94 percent of the voting population, according to a recent survey performed by the organization of CCDDDA (Chris, Curtis, David, Dino for Dictators of America). The results indicated that a remarkably large portion of Americans will be voting for our celebrity block teachers. For years now these four block teachers have run MIHS singlehandedly. With the amount of authority they possess, they

the fundamental part of MIHS culture and tradition that kids look forward to. We deeply regret our decision and have put appropriate measures into place to address it.� Already more than 25 percent of students at MIHS are completely oblivious to what was the schools’ most deep-seated tradition. “Nobody knows what a culminating project is anymore,� said graduate of 1954 DoloresKathy-Agnes-Pamala Birkson III. “Out of the 10 freshman I surveyed, not a single one knew what I was talking about! I was completely shocked that underclassmen have failed to learn about the one thing I believe defines us as a community. It is a disgrace that kids don’t get to listen to presentations about family recipes, family trips, and music lessons for instruments they already play.� Studies conducted by the Department of Useless Humans show that out of the four grades, freshmen are the most likely to be unaware of important MIHS traditions. However, the return of the Culminating Project for the Class of 2016 and those following has led to an outcry among juniors and sophomores. “I think this is absolutely ridiculous,� said junior Chris Chrisley. Astonishingly, seniors have been keeping a fairly neu-

tral stance on this issue—possibly a sign of the same maturity the Culminating Project 2.0 would highlight, had it been put into effect this year. “It is in my own personal, individual, and unique opinion that the enhanced Culminating Project 2.0 will have an indisputably auspicious effect on the underclassman,â€? said senior Vionette Von Trapp. To be sure, not all Islanders believe that the school simply made a mistake in taking away the project and is trying to compensate by bringing back 2.0. Rumors have been circulating that the school accepted “donationsâ€? from the Class of 2015 and allowed the students to get out of having to do a Culminating Project themselves. “It just seems rather sketchy that the current seniors don’t do a project when all the classes before and after them have to,â€? said an anonymous sophomore who will not provide her name in fear of retribution. Indeed many believe that school should have instead kept the project going and made changes along the way rather than stopping completely and restarting. “It is like a car. If you stop and start again, you use more fuel than if you stay moving and change speeds,â€? said spanish teacher SeĂąor Itis. Keeping in mind the lack of surprise exhibited by the seniors at

the return of the project, most have come to the conclusion that the Class of 2015 came together at some point last year and convinced the school in an under the table maneuver to postpone 2.0 for one year. Culminating Project 2.0 will include new requirements that will help students engage the world in a personal journey of self discovery. Each project must include at least one student from each grade K-12, two different types of animals, one homemade cookbook, a lesson on an instrument you already know, one yoga class, a family vacation to a tropical country to study turtles, and coaching one kid’s soccer team in addition to all the previous requirements. Some topics will be banned such as running a non-profit for starving children in Africa, building a generator out of an old bike, and starting a jewelry company. The presentation must include a PowerPoint, a poster, a Prezi, a song, a commercial, a dance, food, and the impossible task of naming each person in one’s BRIDGES group all within 30 seconds. “We hope that these adjustments will help our seniors to discover themselves and their place in society, and perhaps take off some stress from the gruesome second semester of senior year,� said Puckett.

A eulogy of Curtis Johnston (19??-2015) Sports > Page 3

Your map to Mercer Island High School Spread > Page 4/5

(continued on page 6)

Culminating Project returns to Mercer Island High School by

Hydra S.H.I.E.L.D features editor

Last year, students of MIHS said goodbye to the Class of 2014, and with them, the most memorable rite-of-passage of senior year—the Culminating Project. Hearing horror stories of failed projects and sleepless nights, the Classes of 2015, 2016, and 2017 felt nothing but relief when the District put an end to the much-maligned program. However, in a stroke of inspiration, the Administration has announced plans to reestablish a new and improved Culminating Project 2.0. Over the last ten years, the Culminating Project has been an opportunity for seniors to demonstrate their maturity, independence, and creative passions in a 40-hour long venture to explore their place in the world. However, in recent years, MIHS has seen a dramatic decline in the interest students exhibit for the project, leading to the conclusion that seniors are misunderstanding the purpose. With this in mind, the Administration removed the project indefinitely at the end of last year following the presentations. “We realized that this was not the best course of action and decided to put an end to it,� said Principal Vicki Puckett “However, in doing so, we removed

Lord of the Flies freshman field trip proposed Opinions > Page 6

Top Songs of All Time A&E > Page 7

After you’ve finished enjoying this paper, please recycle it!



This article is not about: Drugs, Construc- Making room for PDA tion, E. coli, Overrides, Drugs, New teach- Richard Allan Chess, Sr. ers, Golf, Drugs, Snowflake Lane, Adderall, E-cigs, Drugs, Bus system, Trivia, Soccer, Drugs, Driving, Sports Seasons, Drugs, Holiday Recipes, Reviews, Running Start and Crest, Unhealthy food, Drugs, Sportsmanship, Overcrowding in schools, The Nutcracker, Drugs, School Plays, Dodgeball, Test anxiety because of rigorous academics, Parking (or lack of), Drugs, Mercer Island politics, Weird Sports, The Library, Drugs, MIPs (Mercer Island Points), or Drugs

that periodic expressions of endearment promote better focus in class, higher grades and After much deliberation, SAT scores, not to mention the MIHS administrators have de- increased motivation and encided to alter the daily sched- thusiasm. Upon reaching these ule, providing students with an findings, the class immediateadditional five minutes for each ly contacted passing perischool Adminod to accomistration in modate pubefforts to enlic displays of courage more affection. affection. “Here at “When I the High found that I School, we could mix less strive for discrimination Photo by Corinne Wheeler with increased equality among our PDA is evident among teachers as well as students. school perforstudents,” said Principal Vic- mance, I stopped worrying about ki Puckett. “More passing pe- the iPads and construction, and riod time stops discrimination made finding a solution my numagainst those who have special ber one priority,” said Puckett. affections for others.” The School’s next idea is anHowever, some Mercer Island other renovation to add mood residents wanted a lengthier lighting and more dark corners break for extended make-out for make out sessions. Early sessions. “I pay property taxes proposals featured an extension for my kids to have a good time to the west gym. Expect to see a at school! What could be wrong bond proposal on the next ballot. with an extra few minutes in the Puckett, who will oversee the day for PDAing?” said Michelle transition to the new schedule, Martin, leader of a local student hopes that there will not be any rights advocacy group. problems with shortening each Research conducted in Patty class. “I am just very excited Weston’s freshman chemistry about the whole process, and I class supports Martin’s stance. can’t wait for our students to fiThe recent study concluded nally enjoy school.” by


Corn Wheeler


In short, Integrity, Innovation, Inspiration.

Interview with the soulless

Toilets removed from school bathrooms


Meethrill Hugunininininin fluttershy worshipper

Mithril: What’s your name and grade? Katherine: I’m Katherine Spencer, a freshman at MIHS for the last few years. Mithril: Do you feel resentment toward South Park for blowing your species’ cover? Katherine: I don’t feel resentment partially because I haven’t watched it. However, it would have been far more convenient for me if they hadn’t brought the subject up. Mithril: How did your family react when they realized you were a ginger? Katherine: My family? I don’t know, they were very supportive but I could tell that they were disappointed in me. They had to work hard to allow me to fit in with the other children, and we have had some conflict. Mithril: About how often do people hurtfully assume that you have a soul? Katherine: It really depends on if I’m wearing a hat or not, the hair really gives it away. I find that in general people will just assume that everyone is human. This is a generalization that can really hurt my minority, especially when everything seems to be made of salt or iron. That’s the one thing I really appreciate

Photo by Mithril Hugunin

about the South Park revelation, with increased awareness the government can put in the necessary restrictions on product composition. Mithril: Have you experienced discrimination for being a demon? Katherine: Well, there was this one time when I just did something and my eyes flashed red and everyone freaked out. It was, like, at this camp and it was on the first day and no one would hang out with me after that. Occasionally people have even pranked me by splashing holy water around. While I appreciate religious freedom, churches seem to unanimously feel that violence against demons is justified. I’m lucky to attend a school like MIHS that tolerates all people and non-people; I’ve heard that in the south it’s far worse. Mithril: Do you feel social pressure to dye your hair and pass yourself off as a mortal? Katherine: In ways, yes, I’m proud to be who I am but I just feel like I’d be a lot more proud if society accepted me more. There’s also a bunch of confusion and paperwork with passports and border-control, but in general the government seems to tolerate me.

messy work must be for Willie and our virtuous custodians? Imagine having to go into the bathrooms and clean that mess. As a result of negligence, the only time it is safe to go to the bathroom is in the morning when you’re the first one who uses the stall and can see the pure white porcelain so clean it has lines. Even most toddlers consider others’ feelings and are able to

day school to those who leave a mess behind? The average kid is fully potty trained by the time he reaches the elementary Imagine: you rush into the school age. MISD is conducting bathroom, your stomach crampa study to research adding a ing and growling from the precurricular thread on bathroom vious night’s spicy Mexican etiquette. Speaking on condidinner. When you open the stall tion of anonymity, one district door, you see that there is no toiemployee told the Islander, let, gasping with horror, you run “This curriculum excites us, to the next stall and fling open but we want to proceed cauthe door, yet again, there tiously to make sure we is no toilet, only emptiness don’t negatively impact where your porcelain throne our E2 and AP focus.” should be. Some time in the All the people who month of April, the Mercer Isdon’t flush need to be land School District will send gathered in a room and in a team of highly skilled be retaught the basics of professionals to remove toibathroom etiquette from lets from every bathroom. a team of highly trained MISD has decided too many professional 7-year-olds; MIHS students and staff they will tell you how members have gone to use your bathroom habits the restroom in the afternoon are “icky” and attempt and been dissatisfied with to drill some knowledge the state of the cleanliness. into your empty head. This situation has grown too The logical explanacommon and has been going tion for students stupidon for so long that they have ity must be deep psychohad enough; the district has logical issues relating made the executive decision to problems with abanto remove the schools toilets. donment, not wanting Groundskeeper William to give away something “Willie” MacDougal, commoncreated by you and watch ly knows as “Groundskeepit enter the unknown, or er Willie,” has been serving it could be the inner anMIHS for the last 26 years. imalistic pride of one’s “I’ve worked oan thes camPhoto by Corinne Wheeler feces? “Look at my work. pus fur 26 years, in th’ lest Toilets were removed from the bathrooms after students repeatedly demon- I have a good diet.” fife years thaur has bin an strated their inability to flush. If the modern toilet increase in students nae see that it is morally right to take was never invented, we would flushin’ th’ lavvy,” said MacDou- the extra half second to flush the all still be doing our business gal “every day when ah gang tae toilet and save someone else the like animals, which is what clean th’ bathrooms, students’ psychological trauma of stum- is happening in this school. jobby is floatin’ in jist abit every bling upon a full toilet. Thanks to For the majority of the MIHS lavvy. It is mingin’, thenk god the lack of common courtesy, the population who flush and have th’ district is removin’ th’ toilets, experience and luxury of using to clean up after you, we are dismah job will be much easier.” a toilet during the eight hours gusted by the lack of courtesy It obviously isn’t an issue of we are at school will be gone. and respect you show for others. the bathrooms being clean, in Maybe the school should recruit To all the non-flushers out the mornings the toilets are so a team of elementary schoolers there who cannot grasp the simclean that they sparkle; it is the to properly educate the student ple concept of taking the extra immaturity of the MIHS student body on how to flush the toilet. few seconds to apply a slight body and staff that make the toiShould the school have in- pressure to a simple lever mechlets exponentially more gross vested in diapers? Hire a team anism, have you ever thought throughout the day. Are the of potty trained children? May- of putting your head in a toilet non-flushers thinking about how be have a chaperone to accom- and flushing? If not, then do it. traumatic the clean up of your pany students and give Saturby

Katherine Spencer, freshman representative of the endangered species of gingers

80-year-old monkey’s uncle



April 1, 2015


Southern bells ring as local volleyball coach ascends by

Curtis Johnston

“I hate the South.”

Curtis Johnston, 47, passed away last week in a diving accident off of Hawaii. Mr. Johnston was looking for Captain Hook’s fabled pirate treasure, and never resurfaced, according to his dive partner, David Willecke. Mr. Johnston gained fame in his younger years for winning the World Series of Jai Alai, where he set the world record for the fastest pelota speed at 188 miles per hour. During his teaching career, Mr. Johnston could be seen walking the halls, muttering about “The Wretched South,” and quoting William Faulkner lines. Most recently, Mr. Johnston was working hard to build up his import business, called “Buddhas for Peace,” in which

he imported all sizes and varieties of Buddhas from Vietnam. He could often be seen in downtown Seattle selling Buddhas to cars at stop lights. Mr. Willecke had this to say about teaching with him: “I never knew what the [redacted] he was talking about in class, and neither did anybody else. But he was so passionate about the literature that we just all went along with it.” Mr. Johnston is survived by his two children, Emily, 18, and Tyler, 16, who ask that donations in Mr. Johnston’s honor be made to his favorite charity, named Be Nice to All Critters: Save the King Crab. Curtis Johston’s passing has brought all of MIHS together in this time of sadness.

The sunrise of MI’s football dominance

mediate peer group,” said Gadbury. “Luckily, due to the highly assistant (to the) editor in chief academic atmosphere of MIHS MIHS Football Coach Brett as well as our superior iPad Ogata has high hopes for next technology, our Super-Islandyears’ football season. Thanks ers™ will function at the brain to the addition of new science capacity of a 4.0 student.” labs, students can now manuTo secure their spot on the facture genetically engineered team, all current players on the super-humans with the singular team will be required to tryout goal of beating Bellevue’s footagainst the Super-Islanders™. ball team. “We understand this The $11 million may seem unfair to project may seem many players,” said like an unrealisOgata, “but it is a nectic, even superfluessary step in creating ous addition to the a team that can actuschool, but in realially have a chance at ty, it is a necessary beating Bellevue. This step forward. “When is the 21st century, we first introduced and we need 21st ceniPads to the Distury technology on the trict, people were field if we want to not just as suspicious,” only keep up with our said Principal Vicki competition, but surPuckett. pass it as well.” “But, considerSchool administraing the success of Photo courtesy of tion hopes to expand that project, I can Proposed transformation for all Super-Islanders™ the implementation of say, that without the Super-Islanders™ throughMVP in to run real hard so MVP a doubt, these new S u p e r - I s landers™ will only make MIHS run’ded the fastiest.” The soph- out the school as the program a better, more successful high omore player would only refer progresses and grows. In the to himself in the third person next five years, MIHS adminschool, like Bellevue.” The Super-Islanders™ will and therefore the Islander as- istration predicts that not only possess superior physical qual- sumes that he wishes to remain will we be beating Bellevue in ities such as speed, endurance, anonymous. MVP has already football and other sports, but and agility. Under the instruc- received multiple scholarship of- we will be seeing super-humantion of Sam Gadbury, instructor fers, and, unsurprisingly, holds ly produced artwork, plays, and for next years’ Super-Island- the highest GPA on the team. even newspapers. ers™ Construction Course, stu- “Super-humans are a product of Talk with your counselor to dents will gain skills that will their environment. They adapt see if you are eligible to enroll greatly benefit them later in life themselves in a way that creates in this course, a course that will if they choose to pursue a career superiority to those in their im- change MIHS for the better. by

Jill Gromalley

in genetic engineering. The one drawback of the genetically engineered super-humans is that off the field, they have the mental capacity of a preschooler. This was confirmed in an interview with a member of the Bellevue High School football team. “MVP run real good for coach and coach knows MVP like runnin’. Coach puts

A brief history of streaking by

Sh’AwAughn Hawking

sports editor

From the beginning of time man has been curious. It is this curiosity that has lead to many of mankind’s greatest discoveries. For the Neanderthal this was the sparking of two rocks, for Karl Benz it was the thought of fossil fuels being used in a combustion engine, and for Mercer Island it was the donning of a mask, the dropping of trou and the sprinting across a field in front of bewildered spectators. This discovery, made by Mercer Island’s forefathers forever changed the world and is still seen by many as Mercer Island’s crowning achievement. Mercer Island is seen by the world as the wealthy one percent that contributes little but reaps all the rewards. Many Mercer Island residents would argue that this perception is far from true. “During civil unrest the


Jessica Kwalker

recently kicked out of band

MIHS has banned its renowned marching Band from all football games in the upcoming 2015-16 season, a first time in MIHS history. In fact, the ban is unprecedented in all of Washington state. “The Band is simply too large,” said Associate Principal Mark Zmuda. “Logistically, we cannot accommodate it next year. After that, well, we will have to wait and see.” Later remarks from Zmuda indicated that the band, though a timeless tradition at MIHS, will never be welcomed back. As a result of the ongoing Mercer Island School District construction, several underground holes were inadvertently discovered on MISD properties with a thin Mega Block. These underground holes can become dangerous sinkholes if stressed. Last month, geotechnical engineers used ground-penetrating radar to determine the extent of the underground holes. To the district’s dismay, a large sinkhole was found directly beneath the MIHS stadium bleacher section traditionally reserved for the band. Although an anomaly, sinkholes do occur in the Puget Sound Region. “For the past few years, the music department has done a terrific job of making the band program attractive to middle school students,” said Principal Vicki Puckett. “Unfortunately, there is now too much interest, and the band is too large to be accommodated on top of a sink


hole.” Predictably, Band Directors Parker Bixby and Ryan Lane are extremely disappointed that their efforts to increase interest in the band had unintended consequences. “The band is banned, not because of the unbelievably amazing euphoric music we play, but because too many students participate and love band,” said Lane. Upon hearing the news, orchestra members were seen smiling throughout the day, hopeful that they might be invited to replace the band during football games. Puckett indicated that she was open to the idea if a marching protocol could be choreographed, particularly for the bass players. Members of the Harry Potter Club also expressed delight at the news. “The Band gets too much attention, and too much funding,” said club member Xander Horatio LaCrampe. “Maybe now the school will finally be able to help buy new broomsticks for our Quidditch team, we’re tired of borrowing them from the custodians.” In response, Bixby said, “One might wonder if the sink hole was the result of some foul play using ancient spells.” Chief security officer Kelly John-Lewis is currently investigating Bixby’s concerns. Some conspiracy theorists believe that the sinkholes are the work of subversive moles that belong to an anarchist-anti-music syndicate. Speaking anonymously, one member said, “It’s the vibrations we can’t abide. Bad football is one thing, but we must stand against Band.”

Photo courtesy of Band stands at attention, with no idea that the stands could collapse at any minute.

smallest spark can set off a full pumping through my loins, I streak were also contained in blown riot, especially during a passed the women’s camp and the journals, and account for sports game; streaking provides heard a mixture of laughter and thousands of variables. These a release from this tension and astonishment. It was at this formulas have stumped the gives both sides a hero to cheer moment I realized that history best minds of the twentieth and for,” said Mercer Island resident would never be the same again.” twenty first century, including; Later settler journal entries Albert Einstein, Stephen Hawkand hero Omid Yazdani. ing, and Kim The art of Schjelderup. streaking can In recent years be traced back streaking has to the earevolved for ly ninetieth new applicacentury when Mercer Island’s tions. Not only first settler, is it the purest Thomas Merform of art and a way to pacicer, was heedfy countries at ing mother nawar, it is now a ture’s call and rite of passage. was abruptly chased by a This rite of pasdeer. Photo courtesy of sage is only for young men and J o u r n a l s Local hero attempts the perfect streak during a boys lacrosse game women with from our speedy settler have recently cite multiple incidents of Mer- the courage of a lion and the been released for public viewing. cer running naked, later named balls of an ox. “I suddenly heard a blood cur- ‘streaking,’ in the attempt of Streaking has developed into dling yelp,” said Mercer. “As I perfecting the art. a beloved past time of Mercer ran from the beast, adrenaline Formulas for the perfect Island. Whether a resident is

streaking to express himself or herself, attempting to ease tension between two sides, or passing the threshold into man hood, streaking has proved more influential in the advancement of human culture than the atom bomb or “The Interview.” Most cultures have differing views and beliefs but the one thing that ties every culture together is streaking. “When you’re that vulnerable to the surrounding environment you can’t help but let go of all worldly problems,” said Yazdani. “It doesn’t matter if you’re streaking with your neighbor, or someone from across the world. When you’re running naked and vulnerable all differences fade away.” Thomas Mercer knew streaking would change the world. In the coming centuries, though streaking is likely to adjust to the shifts in culture, one fact is certain: Mercer Island’s love of streaking is the only constant in the known universe.

Compiled by Samantha Philipp and Corinne Wheeler



Mount Rushmore (cont’d) (continued from page 1)

...have made their way up the political food chain, all the way to knocking on the door of the Presidency. For over 30 years, the public has been berating the candidates with questions of when they will run for presidency. “It’s been a long time coming, and all people have been asking them for the past 30 years is, ‘when are you running? America needs heroes like you in office!’” said campaign manager Jan Sayers wistfully, “I would’ve run myself but the artists just couldn’t carve my hair right. What could’ve been…” The teachers explained that they really needed to start off their dictatorship, I mean presidency, with a bang. The carving was actually finished in time for the 2008 Presidential election, but Americans were “still far too unworthy of such great leaders,” said Sayers. But at last, the day is finally here: April 1, 2015 will go down in history. The reason they are running now is that they feel that there are too many evil laws limiting our rights as citizens. They have already publicly discussed many of their policies, and America agrees: “My first executive order will be to outlaw all Priuses or something like that,” says Johnston. However, the teachers are not in agreement about everything. Willecke quickly interrupted Johnston’s polemic: “Prii, it’s Prii, Curtis.” Nonetheless, their presidential campaign will surely be a success. The candidates have assured The Islander that these differences in opinion have only made them stronger. Four times the number of presidents means four times the dedication, hard work, and change, after all. “I didn’t even know we were

The value in Neopets

running,” said Dino, bringing his usual charisma, wit, and humility to the endless list of assets of the presidential dream team. At 8 a.m. PST, the teachers-turned potentates delivered a second campaign speech, exclusively for Seattle, in front of the First Starbucks at Pike Place Market. In perfect unison, they delivered a speech in front of a 200,000 person crowd, with both Barack Obama and Beyoncé in attendance: “Free pair of jeans for everybody,” Willecke said. “Everybody has to wear jeans!” Johnston followed. The entire crowd began to simultaneously weep and cheer, while holding up their iPhones, sipping soy lattes, and recycling. The real question remains: what would be first changes voters will enjoy as Willecke, Johnston, Dino, and Twombley assume the helm? “There will be no speed limits,” Johnston said, in an exclusive interview with The Islander. Eradicating speed limits is the next logical step we must take, benefitting the entire community at no added cost to the taxpayer. The mass melting of speed limit signs, will actually “help cover the expenses of buttons for the Free and Mandatory Jeans Act,” Annest noted. Willecke has also expressed the need to outlaw the moribund National Spelling Bee: “Spelling does not count and we gotta get rid of that whole thing. It’s a communist organization and they just have to be brought under control. Its abolishment would be my number one priority,” Willecke said. But let’s back up, how did the four leaders earn their way? Many CCDDDA scholars believe that the quartet first started as an anti-Comcast protest group, then quickly rose to fame for

their refreshingly honest and progressive views: “All four of us believe that Comcast is an evil entity. Whatever, I know Dino does. We talked about it. I’m not even sure Twombley has a TV, but he hates everything, so he’s on board,” said Johnston. “There’s no earthly reason why my Internet should cost that much, and their practices of bundling TV is discriminatory to people who don’t want TV or don’t want to watch TV. I’m gonna convert them into a public utility and regulate them through the Public Utilities Commission,” Willecke warned, clearly having been meticulously designing this plan for years. Comcast was unavailable to comment. Clearly, we are about to experience a new era in United States, nay, world history with these leaders. Though their announcement was unexpected, it is exactly what the mafia needs. As our great leaders have taught us, history textbooks are meaningless and dumb; the only way to properly commemorate this news is by carving their iconic faces as 60-ft-tall sculptures into the mountain of democracy. Just as Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt, and Lincoln’s carvings represented the first 150 years of the United States, Johnston, Willecke, Dino, and Twombley’s will represent the next 1000. As we pack our bags in preparation for the big move to D.C., one must wonder how we were ever so lucky to experience high school with such magnificent role models as our guides. We look forward to a new time in America, one without any infringement on our rights to life, liberty, and reasonably-priced internet contracts.

than they know themselves. And that wouldn’t just be a side effect of dehydration and jet lag. The trip could also provide an invaluable bonding experience for the class. It is impossible to not come together and bond when in a life or death situation. A junior at the high school, who wishes to remain anonymous, was stranded for three months with his family and said that they have “never been closer, especially after sacrificing my little brother to the almighty Pig Gods.” This survival scenario will work to strengthen the class as well. Weak students will be violently weeded out, resulting in an extremely strong and capable sophomore class. Fewer students would also mean a lower teacher-to-student ratio in the classroom and therefore a better education for the remaining students. Students will also be learning valuable life lessons that will stick with them for life. It is a dog-eat-dog adult world and what better way to learn this than under the threat of cannibalism, sunstroke, starvation, flesh-eating insects, and highly infectious tropical diseases. Students will also learn to make split-second decisions in high stress scenarios as well as learning to work with, manage, and

meat will teach students the valcook their peers. I understand that this idea ue of avoiding trans fats, artifimay raise some concerns from cial sugars, and preservatives in parents. I would like to address their everyday diet and making sure they eat enough those to have the energy to directgo hunt for more food ly. “My will teach them to be c h i l d much more thoughtneeds to ful about the things be regthey put into their ularly body. mediAlong with this cated!” trip I also propose a You cry. special reintegration “They Photo by Corinne Wheeler process to allow surare not The freshmen class is dying to go on the field trip.[ viving students to strong enough to survive on a deserted seamlessly reenter society. The island!” You moan. “But what school should strongly consider about my child’s peanut aller- providing courses that reintrogy, celiac disease, sugar intoler- duce the students to civilization ance, and/or strict vegan diet?” such as, “You were a cannibal, To these rational concerns I re- now what?,” “Less deadly ways ply that, considering the legal to bully your peers,” and “Enprocess required to approve a glish for those who have forgottrip such as this, the children ten how to speak it,” may prowho would be affected are the vide some help, but the majority Districts’ current K-5 popula- of reintegration will fall on the tion. Therefore, you have some parents’ shoulders. However, time to start weaning your child if their children returned from off her medication, and I would the trip in one piece, they were highly recommend beginning clearly doing something right strength and endurance train- before, and I would say they just ing now. As for your child’s di- need to keep up the good work. etary concerns, I can guarantee Parents of said returning chilthat all children who return will dren will be invited to a “your have no sign of any food intoler- child is superior” party hosted ances. The trip will even instill by the Mom Mafia, and those healthy eating habits into your whose children were lost will be child. A diet of fruit and raw given a t-shirt that reads, “my

In memory of Curtis Johnston’s hair. May it rest in pieces.



Meethril Hugunininininin fluttershy worshipper

Economic classes of MIHS are valuable tools, but the time has come for a more modern outlook. Economy classes include Personal Finance, AP Microeconomics, and AP Macroeconomics; however, none of these can provide the online engagement and complex bartering systems of Neotopia. The administration should remove these classes from the curriculum and instead have classes held on how to play Neopets. The online pet simulator has far more educational value and can engage the upper classmen of today. “I got my business skills from that game!” said local business owner Thompson Unfabical. In the Neopets, anyone can sign up online for free and begin to earn and spend virtual currency. There is also a form of currency that can be bought with real money, this is fully realistic, as some students will receive money from parents even after graduating. At the start of every semester the teachers can poll on how much money students expect to receive every month, and the school can rightfully pay for it. In addition, you can choose to play games to simulate the work life and get a steady flow of Neopoints, or go on quests to possibly get large quantities, like working at an unstable job that gives sporadic pay. You can buy decorations and costumes for your pets, expending large amounts of your currency for purely cosmetic purposes. These are the realistic concerns that young adults will face when they graduate; Do they really need to learn about the economic states of developing countries? While learning how stocks affect commercial businesses can have

academic interest, it is better to actually have invested in stocks, even if they are imaginary. Neopets also has a bartering system and the potential for spending currency for self-improvement and long-term gain. Old-fashioned Econ classes are not without merit. Being able to take an Advanced Placement test for college credit can help you get into the school of your dreams. So we have to ask ourselves, do the students of MIHS want a course that simply gives college credits, or one that legitimately teaches and prepares them for life? Draw Kab, a junior currently in AP Microeconomics, says that there are enough other AP classes that students can take if they’re paranoid overachievers. “I’d love to be able to study Neopets, but I just don’t have the free time- I would totally take the class if it was offered.” There is a compromise that has the perfect balance between education and credit. Making Neopets an AP course, colleges would desperately try to recruit anyone with AP Neopets on their resume. The leadership involved with helping your classmates with quests could lead to an honorary position, Neopro. You’d be a lock for Ivy League admission with that on your application. Administration must realize that current course offerings are substandard, and we need an additional class. To speed up the bureaucratic dead time we can make the choice to drop out of any current Econ classes and use the free time to start a Neopets account as soon as possible. Receiving credits from such a class cannot justify the lost opportunity for what school and Neopets are all really about: authentic learning.

Lord of the Flies freshman field trip proposal by

Jill Gromalley

assistant (to the) editor in chief

Every single freshman at Mercer Island High School is required to read and analyze “Lord of the Flies.” However, leaving my freshman English class, I felt as though my understanding of the novel was not at the level it could have been. Now, this is not a fault of the teacher; I simply believe that hands-on experience is the best method of learning for me. That is why I think it is imperative that the school funds a mandatory onemonth field trip to a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean where the entire freshman class would be dropped off, without any supplies. Not only would this experience further the students’ understanding of the novel, but it would provide them with unforgettable life lessons as well. The first, and most important reason why this trip would be extremely beneficial is the educational aspect. There is no better way for students to really get in the characters’ heads than to live through similar situations. By writing at least a ten-page essay comparing their experiences to those of the characters on the flight home, students would feel like they know Ralph, Piggy, and Jack better

child died on a deserted island and all I got was this crummy t-shirt.” The highly respected scholar Spock once said that, “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.” I believe my proposal puts this principle into action. Weeding out the weak students while they are still young will not only work to make MIHS a better place, it will also increase the strength of society as a whole. This trip, in the long run, is nothing but beneficial. It would ensure our students are prepared for the world outside of high school as well as, if not more importantly, extremely advanced in their reading comprehension skills which would allow for higher scores on smarter balance tests. I hope that eventually, this method of teaching books through real-life experience will expand past “Lord of the Flies.” Imagine how beneficial it would be for students reading “Romeo and Juliet” to spend a week at Bellevue High School, learning about overcoming the stereotypes of our “Two households, both alike in dignity.” A “Lord of the Flies” inspired survival field trip is only the beginning of a new era of teaching literature and will result in smarter, stronger, and more capable generations to come.

Drama teacher announces new play for next year by



April 1 2015

Jill Gromalley shark friend

Next year’s spring musical will be a special one for MIHS Drama. After an extensive and competitive application process, MIHS has been chosen from the thousands of schools that applied to bring the next big Broadway musical to life on their home stage for the first time ever. With a score written by famous composers such as Elton John, Andrew Lloyd Webber, and Stephen Sondheim, and a cast of characters that rivals those of a Shakespearean chorus, “Sharknado! The Musical” promises to captivate. When asked about this oncein-a-lifetime opportunity, drama teacher Daniela Melgar said, “we are truly honored to be the first troupe to bring such an amazing story to the stage. When I watched ‘Sharknado’, its complex plot and colorful cast of characters blew me away. I understand that a lot of people think the movie is unnecessarily violent and lacking in a meaningful story, but it think it is a work of art that will lend itself beautifully to the stage.” The musical adaption of the 2013 hit will not disappoint fans

of the movie. Both the original run. However, this is only a over the summer. The school has director and writer worked on speculation because the produc- also already placed orders for the musical’s script as well as on tion team has claimed that they the five high-power chainsaws some of its songs. They will also are “on a budget” and that, “any- that will be used throughout the be working very closely with one can look like a shark with production. While some acour high school cast tors have already by moving everyone displayed concern into one communiregarding the safety ty home so they can of such a machine, monitor the everyday the production team lives of the students, would like to rea process they claim mind students that, is “the only way they “Art is pain,” and can ensure a perforthat, “without a remance that will do alistic sharknado, the original work justhe show would nevtice.” er make it on Broad“It’s Raining way.” When asked Sharks (Hallelujah),” for more informa“The Sound of Chaintion regarding the saws,” and “Eye of Photo courtesy of safety of the Shark the Tigershark,” are These shark costumes will be used for the play. Flyer 3000, invenonly a select few of the tor Brian Hampsch answered many amazing songs that have enough makeup, plastic teeth, all our questions with more been written for the production. and a fake fin.” “The music I wrote for this piece The biggest challenge of this questions and therefore the Isis definitely something that I’m production is in the creation of lander has no accurate informaproud of,” said Elton John. “For- the sharknado itself. Luckily, tion to report at this time. To get more students involved get the Lion King, ‘Sharknado! the chance to perform this revThe Musical’ is by far some of olutionary piece of art in our in this amazing opportunity, my best work.” high school theatre comes with the football team has been It is rumored that the same the installation of state-of-the- cast to play all of the sharks. people that clothed the sharks at art equipment. A flying system, They will be undergoing an the Katy Perry Half-Time Show which will be able to spin up to intensive three-month rehearsal that will include for the Super Bowl will provide ten actors at speeds reaching 50 process costumes for the MIHS theater miles per hour, is to be installed classes on shark psychology

and behavioral studies taught by world-renowned marine psychologist, Dr. Sea Bastion. “The classes will really help these otherwise inexperienced actors become one with their shark selves,” said Melgar. “We will also be requiring them to watch and analyze the High School Musical series, a process that we hope will allow the athletes to see this experience as the start of something new; once they realize they do not have to stick to the status quo, I hope they will come to see that, as a school faced with such a great opportunity, we’re all in this together.” This production is hopefully one of many pre-Broadway shows that will grace the MIHS stage. As of now, the drama department has entered contests to feature “Star Trek Into the Music,” “Kill Bill,” and “50 Shades! On Ice” in future seasons. But without the support of the school, these productions will never become a reality and so Melgar urges students and other members of the Mercer Island Community to pre-order their tickets to the debut of “Sharknado! The Musical” as soon as possible.



Rob Cantor - Shia LaBeouf” Live ­

From “Even Stevens” to the first three installments of the “Transformers” series, Shia LaBeouf is an actor well known to many (although, according to himself he isn’t famous anymore). In the hit song “Shia LaBeouf”, Rob Cantor introduces a new angle to LaBeouf: What if he was a cannibal? The song was initially released in 2012, and since then Cantor released a video for the song which features the Gay Men’s Chorus of Los Angeles, the West Los Angeles Children’s Choir and the Argus Quartet, the video itself is bizarre, but manages to be the perfect visual aid in fully understanding what it would be like to be engaged in a fight with an alter ego cannibalistic Shia LeBeouf.


Jim Colerick - Rappin’ for Jesus (Explicit)

This song is sure to make you chuckle and dance like an old lady; the low­tech music video finds a pastor named Jim Colerick and his wife rapping about their relationship with Jesus Christ. This song is the ultimate diss to people who are sinful, while still managing to give us the push to go to Sunday school every once in a while, “If you do drugs and think you’re cool, You need to come to Sunday school! Put those drugs in the garbage can Stand up tall, you’re a Christian man!” while managing to rub their way of life in the faces of listeners “I don’t blaspheme and I don’t brag, I don’t cuss, and my pants don’t sag, I do exude a little Christian swag, And I’m proud to be an American!” Word Up Mr. & Ms. Colerick!

Eduard Khil - “I Am Glad, ‘Cause I’m Finally Returning Back Home”


Often referred to as the “russian rickroll” or “trololo”, this non­lexical vocable version of the song “I Am Glad, ‘Cause I’m Finally Returning Back Home” which inspired many internet memes, is beautifully sung by russian singer Eduard Khil. Khil captivates listeners with vowels that flow together in perfect harmony, the lyrics are easy to memorize and are sure to stay in your memory for a lifetime.

w Never Gonna Give You Up - Rick Astley­

This work of art was released in 1987, and was a worldwide number­one hit. The song was number one for five weeks (but will always be number one in my heart) and was the best­ selling single of that year, as well as topped the charts in 25 countries. In 2008 the trend, “rickrolling”, (posting a link to the music video for “Never Gonna Give You Up”, but disguising the link as something misleading) emerged. With its late eighties pop beats and seducing lyrics saying how he will treat you right and how hes not like most, “A full commitment’s what I’m thinking of You wouldn’t get this from any other guy” Rick Astley has succeeded in creating a song that will be popular for many more years to come.

Aqua -­Barbie Girl

With the simple yet enticing lyrics and uplifting techno beats, this song is a timeless classic. Inspired by the lavish lifestyle of the popular childrens toy Barbie, this bubblegum pop song sparked a bit of controversy due to the lyrics that sexualized the children’s toy, referring to Barbie as a “Blonde Bimbo” (A girl who is stupid, wears lots of makeup and is obsessed with boys and clothes). Although this can be slightly disturbing, this song is an upbeat, cheery, work of art that’s easy to get up and dance to.

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Editors in chief: Richard Chess Isabella Murillo Features Editor: Sports Editor: Spread Editor: Opinions Editor: A&E Editor: Back Page Editor: Online Editor: Photo Editor:

Helena Shield Sean Bender Samantha Philipp Isabella Murillo Samantha Philipp Isabella Murillo Jane Gormley Samantha Philipp

Staff Writers: Lily Clugston Mithril Hugunin Jessica Waller Corinne Wheeler Adviser: Chris Twombley

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