April fools

MISINFORMER The

r Is

School Dist rict land

M er

ce

April 1, 2017

mihsislander.org

PAID

Volume VI, Edition 5

Inside The many problems facing bridges today.

Features > Page 2

A verified flowchart of the Mom Mafia’s heirarchy, brought to you by ASB PR Coordinator Ben Stoops and ASB Vice President DB Nguyen.

Photo by Jane from Journalism

Thousands follow @themommafia official Instagram Jake D’Shoe-za

follow @themommafia

The notorious and unofficial Mercer Island parent group, the Mom Mafia, has long been the talk of the Island. Now their fame has reached global proportions. The group recently created an official Instagram page, giving followers a vital glimpse into a wealthy helicopter mom’s day-to-day machinations.

Parents are always trying to stay up to date with their kids’ lives and the Mom Mafia is no different. And so @themommafia was born, an official Instagram account created in

January to keep up with today’s social media loving children.

According to Peggy Johnson, the group’s unofficial president, “The original plan was to patrol the application and make sure no inappropriate pictures were being posted.� The Mom Mafia’s presence worked, and between the conception of the account and mid-February, MIHS students’ posts containing swear word captions dropped nearly 86 percent.

However, the Mom Mafia’s account became much more than a helicopter mom tool. On Feb. 8 the moms began posting photos regarding their own lives, such

as their outfits of the day (#OOTDs), home decor advice, vegan recipes, Nordstrom shopping hauls, and post-hot yoga selfies.

Some of the most popular posts are ones of the mothers’ wardrobes. “It’s so hard to create a cohesive and chic all-Lululemon outfit that I can wear to barre class and to Bennett’s afterwards,� said Mercer Island mom Tracy Lee while sipping a green juice in her immaculate Mercedes Benz. “I browse the account daily for inspo.�

Many moms also boast their New Seasons receipts, spending hundreds of dollars weekly on nutritious but over-

it down to ten, the decision was mainly based on where Mercer Island citizens have dumped the most money.�

Other top contenders for the title of Sister Cities were Palm Springs, California, and Whistler, Canada.

In recent years, the economies of Cabo San Lucas and Maui have flourished, thanks solely to the consistent tourism of Mercer Island families. Representatives of the City of Maui were ecstatic when their annual financial report for 2016 was released, saying the city “could never have seen this level of economic growth without our Islander brothers and sisters.� “Thanks to the families of Mercer Island, Cabo had so much extra money in our budget for 2017 that we decided to build a New Seasons on every corner,� said Rita Kress, a representative of the City of Cabo San Lu-

cas. “Every last one. And 200 frozen yogurt shops too!�

Students from MIHS are encouraged to participate in upcoming volunteer trips to Cabo in which they will have the opportunity to help build these new facilities. These trips will begin in the 2017-2018 school year.

Also, starting the next school year, Mercer Island High School students enrolled in Spanish language classes will be eligible to participate in a “cultural exchange� trip over spring break. Such programs are especially recommended for students of 18 years of age.

To thank the Mercer Island residents for their generosity and recognize the special bonds between the three cities, both Cabo San Lucas and Maui plan to erect statues of the island’s founder, Thomas Mercer, in front of their respective city halls.

Mercer Island’s sister cities Emma Gottlieb

never been to Cabo :(

Several weeks ago, the Mercer Island Sister City Association began a search for two cities to join the current sister, Thonon­-Les-­Bains, France. The search is part of the Association’s effort to expand the cultural horizons of Mercer Island students.

The search has now closed, and after hours of debate, screaming, hair­ pulling, unfollowing, and car k­eying, the Association has concluded that Cabo San Lucas, Mexico and Maui, Hawaii will be crowned Mercer Island’s two new sister cities.

When making the decision, many factors were taken into account, such as “diversity, quality of UVA sun rays, and number of resort pool chairs per capita,� said MISCA chair Debbie Johnson. “When we finally narrowed

priced snacks. “In addition to the fabulous prices, the Market really supports my Whole 30 diet,� said Mom Mafia titan Lindsay Greene.

Upon seeing the Instagram posts, MIHS junior Alex Johnson said, “I think this account is absurd. The same people that tell us to be humble and thankful are clearly bragging about their money.�

The Mom Mafia Instagram page has also gained attention for its “first world problem� rants. The most well-known rant confronts (continued on page 7)

Rotary Islanders Spencer Klein

The Class of 2018 Flag Dude application is now live.

Sports > Page 3

MIHS unveils a new community board.

Spread > Page 4/5

Support SATS to stop future strip-related deaths.

Opinions > Page 6

recovering rotary islander

As an average student, you might find it hard to distinguish yourself from the crowd of overachievers at MIHS, as they grab titles and accomplishments left and right.

One of these out-of-reach accomplishments is Rotary Islander of the Month, a huge boost in resumes and college applications.

You might be thinking, “Spencer, I’m just an average student and I have no chance at being smart enough or charming enough to achieve anything� and you’d be right. But with this helpful guide you can fake all those things to reach that normally unreachable goal.

Step 1: The first step to becoming a Rotary Islander is getting nominated by your (continued on page 2)

Music experts opine on the worst makeout songs.

A & E > Page 7

Make sure to check out our website at mihsislander.org!

2

Поддельные новости

mihsislander.org

Trump announces Russian as official language of United States Emma Gottlieb-Putin first lady

Today, President Donald Trump issued an executive order, instituting Russian as the official language of the United States. Despite the widespread use of English, the United States has never adhered to an official language, and thus the order will be the first in the country’s history.

The executive order comes as a part of the president’s series of “yuge changes.” The White House budget director has approved the $400 trillion budget needed to change all signage from English to Russian, as well as to send every citizen a Russian pocket dictionary.

“The president is very excited to announce this great change

in our nation,” screamed Press Secretary Sean Spicer, “as a part of his efforts to better integrate our society with that of our best friends, the Russians, the people who would never harm our political system.”

When asked whether the order reflected an increase of Russian influence on the United States, Spicer replied, “NO. NEXT.” The College Board, a non­ profit organization responsible for issuing all SAT and Advanced Placement tests in the United States, will be conducting mandatory Russian language placement testing for all citizens in the coming weeks.

The results will determine class levels for compulsory Russian immersion lessons.

Liberal pushback has al-

ready begun. Thousands of left­-wing Americans plan to take to the streets on April 1 in a “freedom of language” march. Liberal gods Al Gore, Leonardo DiCaprio, Lady Gaga, and Ashley Judd are expected to give overly­-emotional speeches at the march in Washington.

Beginning today, a special committee assembled by the President will limit and monitor use of the English language. For convenience, President Trump has personally put together a list of helpful beginner phrases to use until the commencement of classes: **Russian President Vladimir Putin denies any involvement in the making of this law.

English

Russian Translation and Pronunciation

Hello Goodbye Get out of my country!

здравствуйте (zdrahs-tvooy-tyeh) До свидания (da svidania) Привет, Рики. Мы скучаем по тебе и надеемся, что Эмори относится к тебе настолько хорошо, что ты никогда и никогда не захочешь уйти! (Privet, Riki. My skuchayem po tebe i nadeyemsya, chto Emori otnositsya k tebe nastol’ko khorosho, chto ty nikogda i nikogda ne zakhochesh’ uyti!) Согласно всем известным законам авиации, пчела не может летать. Пчела все равно летит. Потому что пчелам все равно, что люди считают невозможным. (Soglasno vsem izvestnym zakonam aviatsii, pchela ne mozhet letat’. Pchela vse ravno letit. Potomu chto pchelam vse ravno, chto lyudi schitayut nevowzmozhnym.) Забудьте письма. Следуйте за шоколадом на Instagram!

(Zabud’te pis’ma. Sleduyte za shokoladom na Instagram!) Вы знаете, что также красиво? Моя дочь Иванка. Серьезно, ты видел ее в последнее время? (Vy znayete, chto takzhe krasivo? Moya doch’ Ivanka. Ser’yezno, ty videl yeye v posledneye vremya?)

That’s fake news!

Check her emails!

We’re gonna build a beautiful wall.

Putin, how can I help you?

Наливай меня на улицу, как бой Влад? (Nalivay menya na ulitsu, kak boy Vlad?)

Translations courtesy Google Translate

*P.S. students are encouraged to check accuracy of translations because of an increase in “fake news.”

Snack shacks will be installed on both ends of the I-90 bridge this summer.

Photo courtesy Google Images

Bridges at breaking point Isabel Funk

amateur bridge enthusiast

Bridges are a source of distress and anxiety on Mercer Island. Numerous issues plague the city, but high school students are adamant that their bridges need fixing.

Students constantly skip the toll bridges. Because the tolls support Mercer Island life, the city will be unable to support itself if students continue to skip these bridges. Given their importance to the community, toll bridges need to be acknowledged as serious roads.

With the lightrail construction and changes to the HOV lanes, traffic has worsened, a likely reason why many students are skipping bridges.

Recent polls have discovered that high school students are demanding more highs and lows on Mercer Island bridges.

Building contractors express uncertainty on how to build wavy bridges, but will attempt the project if the city desires.

Furthermore, Islanders also request that bridges provide snacks. Although a costly endeavor, Mayor Ercer Mislander has announced a plan to open snack shops on both ends of bridges, which will provide waffles, chips, soda, and Oreos.

“Everyone loves snacks.

I think they will help create interest in our bridges,” said Mislander.

Although many teachers use bridges every day, most discount their relevance.

“I just wish the teachers

would be more empathetic about our concerns about bridges,” said junior Fanny Pack.

A lesser-known danger to bridges is the risk of sinking because of neglect. To fix the floating bridges, a series of helium-filled happy birthday balloons will be latched together beneath the road surface. These balloons will support Mercer Island QFCs and boost donut sales.

“QFC balloons are really sturdy and will hold up our bridges better than anything else. Balloons are clearly the best option,” said Mislander.

The aforementioned polls also reveal that many students dislike bridges because they make students feel lonely and friendless.

Now, the police only permit crossing bridges when friends are available for the journey.

Some students even insist that bridges are a waste of time and Mercer Island should just remain altogether separate from the rest of the world.

In addition to these issues, bridges are incredibly hard to find, even when using maps.

Not even National Geographic maps make them easier to find.

The crux of the bridges dilemma is that those in positions of power continue to ignore it. While people have issued complaints for several years about the failing conditions of bridges, nothing has been done to address these concerns. In the meantime, Mercer Islanders must continue to campaign for improvement or bridges will remain in disrepair.

Become a Rotary Islander with these three steps! (cont.)

Spencer Klein

Rotary Islander of the Year

(continued from page 1) The first step to becoming a Rotary Islander is getting nominated by your teachers. To win their favor, you will have to cross some lines. Leave gifts around their house? Yes. Take care of their kids while they are working hard to educate students? That’s technically kidnapping, but sure. Wear their face as a mask and nominate yourself? Maybe a little over the line, but go for it!

Step 1:

The next part of the process involves a committee that reviews your resume.

Unfortunately, because of your average intelligence and few accomplishments, your resume has nothing to offer this committee. Which is why you have to lie. Here are some impressive lies you can add to your low quality resume: 1. Build a school…it doesn’t really matter where you built it, just as long as you took a picture to post on Facebook.

2. Donate to the MIHS Islander, the student-run newspaper at Mercer Island High School (please, we need mon-

Step 2:

ey). Application committees love when you give extensively to quality publications.

3. A surefire way to have the committee approve your resume is bribery. Ideally, you would bribe Chris Twombley, but since he isn’t on the committee, it might be more helpful to bribe actual committee members.

The Rotary lunch. You made it! You’ve been selected for the award, but the game isn’t over yet. Rotary Islanders are required to give a speech about all the hard work and volunteer hours they have done (supposedly). To

Step 3:

give a believable speech, here is a format for you to fill out.

Hello esteemed (Islanders/Predominantly Caucasian peers), it is my (Honor/ Divine right) to receive this award from such a (Prestigious/Expensive) committee.

Even though I am thrilled to receive this award, this road has not been easy. After my year abroad in (Guatemala/ Syria/Canada) helping build (Schools/Low Income Housing/Dog Homes for Justin Treadau’s many puppies), I came back to a volunteer position with (Saving Bald Eagles from AIDS Foundation/ Raising Money for Kittens

with Cancer/The Association for Florida’s 2000 Recount).

Since my resounding success with that organization I was elected to be the (President/ Secretary/Totalitarian Dictator) of Help Club. After two year of leadership, members of my Help Club have gone on to (Teach sex education to pumas/ Adopt minority orphans/Pursue a fifth year of high school).

I have many people to thank for this illustrious award, but none more than (My Mom/My Dad/Zeus). In (Summary/Conclusion/Ception), the work toward this award has been hard, but worth it in the end.

April 1, 2017

SPORKS

Doping scandal leaves elementary schoolers in disgrace Will Pawlosky

recovering meme addict

The world of sports was rocked last summer when the International Olympic Committee uncovered evidence that the Russian Olympic team was conducting performance enhancing procedures. A shockwave ripped through the sporting community as the integrity of such a prestigious event had been tarnished.

Recently Mercer Island residents learned that the world of performance enhancing drugs had reached closer to home when fourteen athletes set to compete in this years All Island Track Meet were found with performance enhancing substances in their blood.

Suspicions first arose during last year’s track meet when a fourth grader shattered the meet record for the 100 meter dash by three full seconds posting a time of 10.89 seconds, a little more than a second over Usain Bolt’s world record of 9.58 seconds. A Northwood fifth

Puget Sound French-American School. Unfortunately, YHS did not place in a single event, and the French-Americans forfeit before the meet had even begun out of fear of

grader crushed the Softball Toss record by hurling the ball clear out of the MIHS stadium.

The All Island Track Meet

embarrassment.

The Mercer Island schools decided to implement mandatory drug testing for Track Meet athletes after one fourth grade boy sprouted 14 inches in one summer and sported a firm stubble on his face during competition. The doping violators include two athletes from West Mercer Elementary, seven from Saint Monica’s, and five from the newly-formed Northwood Elementary.

is a long standing tradition on Mercer Island spanning decades. The competition is between track and field teams from all four elementary schools and Saint Monica’s Catholic School made up of a combined team of the fourth and fifth grade classes. The young athletes compete in competitions ranging from the 400 meter dash to shot-put.

A special year for the Track Meet as two new schools: Yeshiva High School, and The

Tempers flared and pockets of fights erupted amongst overly passionate parents who became emotionally enthralled in the event. Four island moms were sent to the hospital for

t h e i r injuries and four m o r e have been detained

3

by the MIPD and are facing charges of assault and inciting a riot. The Police Department has cited the fact that Mercer Island parents take their children’s sports way too seriously as the source of conflict The School Board members have cited growing costs of college tuition as a probable cause for t h e

doping scandal, in which Island parents would try to sidestep the ever-growing cost of tuition by gaining an athletic scholarship.

Much is still unknown about the scandal and the parties involved, which have asked to remain anonymous for this article in fear of public shaming.

Authorities are investigating the role of school administration in the doping ring.

From the office of: Prinicipal Vicki Puckett

Class of 2018 Flag Dude Application When finished with this application, please return it to Mr. Twombley or email a picture of the completed copy to mihsislander@gmail.com. Open to all people interested. Top applicants will be featured on mihsislander.org 1. How many days a week do you attend Mercer Island High School?

2. How many times has The Man gotten you down in the past week?

3.

Have you ever said a naughty word? Yes / No

4.

What and where is “The Pit”? Seriously though, school administration needs to know.

5.

Do you have prior flag-waving experience? Yes / No

6. Circle the three adjectives which best describe you.

a. Submissive b. Popular

c. Coachable d. Easy-going

d. Out of shape e. Rogue 7.

Momma’s makin’ _____________ .

8.

Is there anything else we should know about your leadership style?

a. A healthy, well-balanced meal b. Arts & Crafts c. Large sacrifices for our education d. Pizza rolls

Thank you for applying to be a Flag Dude. We appreciate your interest in fulfilling this vital spirit role.

Sincerely,

Principal Vicki Puckett In association with Grady Short

Community SIGN UP FOR SNAIL POUND HERE! Erica Hill Mark Shafer MJ Hilstrom Laurie Schwartzberg Curtis Johnston Kathleen Sterns Lee Jahncke Susan Sutherin Kyla Keeler Julie Riccio Amanda Mattocks Chris Harnish Chris Twombley Margaret Aguilar Denise Radow Eric Ayrault Jane Stafford Larry Bencivengo Dino Annest Parker Bixby Grant Weed Kelsey Cochran David Willecke Jamie Cooke Jeff Randolph Eric Goldhammer Clay Laughary Ed Puchalla

FREE ROASTS Take one and pass it on!

I bet your parents are disappointed

Your leadership skills are worse than

Your Lululemons are so original!

You’re very similar to the MIHS footb all team, awful.

You remind me of the Seahawk’s decis ion to pass on the one yard line, a mistake.

Jake D’shoe-za

MISSING: HAVE YOU SEEN ME?

Don Carlos

Will Priest

Last seen blogging at a taqueria in a grey scoop neck t-shirt in Kazakhstan. If found, please return to the MIHS Spanish Depatrment.

Last seen flushing his MI gear down the toilet. Currently hiding away in Savannah, Georgia. If found, please return him to MIHS along with our school spirit.

@chocolatebark chocolate connoisseur

Instructional Practice as a continuum of learning

social media coordinator for massage therapist

Last seen consoling a student for not getting into the five Ivy league schools she applied to. If found, please return Scott Churchill with $2000 worth of ACT prep courses.

in you.

Luke Kenworthy’s.

We stand in solidarity to mourn the life of a once glorious superintendant . Mercer Island High School has questioned ho w we will come back from such a loss and how we will ever revive the halls of MIHS to once ag ain glimmer with hope and pride. Plano was m ore than a superintendent to us, he was a paramou nt leader and a man of strength. His life calls fo r celebration, rather than misery. The population of MIHS must come together and rise up in supp ort for one another. In light of this, the adminis tration has decided that we will honor Plano thro ugh our permanent bulletin, so he may look over the halls of MIHS forever and ever and ever.

S.A.

professional essay writer

Personalized learning and student learning is the over-arching element of the Mercer Island School District 2020 Vision, where all of the vision fundamentals are hinged. Teaching strategies are designed to be responsive to students’ strengths, abilities, passions, and learning styles. Instructional technology is used to enable teachers to better personalized learning.

See and read a consecutive list of letters at least 20 feet away Have the ability to accurately focus light from the cornea and lens into the retina Interpret information received from the eyes very quickly Not require LASIK surgery

ART: T N E D U T S

By 2020, students should be able to:

retina

iris

cornea

Pasta Monday 1st 8:00-8:50 (50 minutes)

2nd 8:55-9:45 (50 minutes)

3rd 9:50-10:45 (55 minutes)

4th 10:50-11:40 (50 minutes)

1st Lunch 11:40-12:15 (35 minutes)

5th B 12:20 -1:10 (50 minutes)

Tuesday (Day 1) and Wednesday (Day 2) Students A-K Day 1 Students L-Z Day 2

Students Q-Z Day 1 Students A-F Day 2

3rd Block 8:00-9:38.9 (88.9 minutes)

Late Start 8:00-9:35.7 (95.7minutes)

All Students BRIDGES: Highs and Lows Only 9:38.9 or 9:35.7 - 9:42ish (about 6mins) Students A-L Day 1 / Day 2 Students B-Z Day 2 / Day 1 5th Block 9:42-10:26.5 (86.5 minutes) 1st Lunch cont 11:20 - 11:50 (30 minutes)

2nd Lunch 12:35-1:10 (35 minutes)

6th 1:15-2:05 (50 minutes)

2nd Period 9:42ish-10:24 (42 minutes) G-T Day 1 Day 2

A-G Day 1 / Day 2 1st Period 10:24-like 11 (30 minutes?)

1st Lunch 11:05-11:35 (30 minutes) 4th Block (optional)

5th A 11:45-12:35 (50 minutes)

7th 2:10-3:00 (50 minutes)

7th Block 10:24-11:23 (59 minutes)

Thursday Yes

Do you park on the strip?

Laugh at people with glasses and or contacts

Have the minimum eyesight to be a fighter pilot

4th Period 8:00-8:47

Are you wearing maroon?

Is your GPA over 3.0?

Yes No Mosh Pit 8:38-9:38

6th Period 8:47-9:38

Yes

Yes No

4th Period 8:47-9:38

Did you go to bridges this week?

Bridges 9:38-11:46

Looking to transform your ACT score from a 34 to a 35? Want to attend an Ivy? Come to the LPR on April 1st and listen to the real life success stories of five MIHS graduates who followed their dreams to high paying jobs, and their tips to professional success.

No

Bridges 9:38-11:46

2nd Lunch 11:55-12:25 (30 minutes)

Your Favorite Class ?-2:04 (awhile)

Yes No 1st Lunch 11:46-12:29

4th Period 11:46-1:39

Was it good?

What about now?

Yes No 3rd Period 12:29-2:10

BRIDGES: State-mandataed continuation of Highs and Lows 2:04-3:00 (too long)

Yes No 2nd Lunch 1:39-2:10

AP Early Release 2:10-3:00

mz 04/01/17

ATTENTION FRESHMEN, SOPHOMORES, AND JUNIORS:

No

Are you hungry right now?

5th Block B 11:55-1:25 (90 minutes)

AST DAYS SINCE L URY: TEACHER INJ

Friday

7th Period 8:00-8:38

See blantant lies the government tries to sell them

Perceive color and moving objects lens

MERCER ISLAND HIGH SCHOOL NEW AND IMPROVED 20/20 VISION COMMON CORE 1:1 LATE START REVISED BRIDGES SCHEDULE

12

Read the MIHS Islander's April Fools Issue!

Do YOU like to f ake smile and want to make $11 an hour?

Send in your application and work @ Menchies TODA Y!

6

ALT. FACTS

mihsislander.org

The MIHS Strip Club in need of student support Lucille Shield

Helena Shield, Jr.

At 3:30 pm on Monday, March 26, an MIHS student was found dead on the corner of 42nd St and 88th Ave, about a minute from the Strip.

The student was identified as junior Jeffery Tian, and an autopsy revealed the cause of death to be hypothermia and exhaustion. Tian had allegedly been attempting to reach his car parked on the Strip, but was overcome by the biting wind and swirling blizzard before he’d even crossed the street. His body, discovered by a janitor a few hours after his death, was buried under a mountain of snow.

In response to this incident, students have begun pressuring MIHS administrators to start organizing SafeRides drivers to ferry students to their cars on the Strip after school everyday. Sam Bailey, the late Tian’s best friend, is leading the protest, entitled Students Against The Strip (SATS).

“The admin can’t expect kids to walk all the way to the Strip in this weather,” Bailey said.

“It’s just way too far over the line.”

and not just those who park their cars in the school lots. Furthermore, this new job for SafeRides drivers not only encourages students to make new friends, but also protects their health. Students won’t exhaust themselves wading through m a r s h e s , climbing glaciers, and traversing deserts to reach Photo by Jane from Journalism Students rally in support of the MIHS Strip Club, an organization dedicated to student safety, by putting posters up in the halls. their cars; they might actually Bailey’s plan is for MIHS Freshman Tristan Moore have the energy to finish their to hire SafeRides drivers to plans to profit greatly from homework! The measure will ferry students to their cars on this scheme. “I was going to also protect students who park the Strip during the winter sell my C-Lot spot for $200, badly from being beaten up on as an added safety measure. but this is easy pocket money,” their way to their cars.

The SafeRides system, he said. “I think I’ll do this Despite their solid platform, traditionally used to get teens instead.” Moore, a driving the Strip Club has yet to home from parties, is a good prodigy, managed to secure the generate enough backing from way for students who can drive honor of parking next to the the student body to influence to clock volunteer hours and handicapped spot by bribing the MIHS administration. for teens to get home quickly school officials with numerous Thus, it is the duty of every and safely. Bailey’s project, Starbucks drinks.

Mercer Island High Schooler There are many advantages to support the SATS group on the other hand, would require the SafeRides drivers to Bailey’s plan. It promotes in order to ensure that every to be paid by the school as an a safe environment where all single student is safe at all students can feel welcomed, times. Without the help of incentive.

Why gender equality sucks Sophie Poole drama queen

I was sitting in my third period class ignoring the Daily

Bulletin like usual. My headphones were in and I was listening to Chris Brown – an amazing musician and my personal role model. Ms. Hill looked at me and told me to take my headphones out to listen to the announcements. I reluctantly stopped my music and stuffed my phone in my backpack. Ms. Hill is just not that nice; I’ve seen her smile once. And I hate how she thinks it is her job to tell me what to do. When is English even applicable? I don’t plan on going to England.

As I was listening to the ASB kids make inside jokes about Pasta Monday and sports schedules through the loudspeaker, three words stood out to me: Gender. Equality. Club. I swear people come up with the most pointless clubs just so they can slap it on a college resume.

What kind of an issue is gender equality? Clubs should be centered around issues that are actually important, like March Madness and weight lifting.

I asked the guy sitting next to me what people even did in

Gender Equality Club.

“I think it’s a bunch of girls complaining about boys every other Monday,” he said.

Sounds like a wild group of feminists to me. Feminists hate men and do everything in their power to take all men down. In fact, here is a list of all the reasons feminists suck: 1. Feminists “want to dismantle the patriarchy.” I don’t even know what this means; I just hear other girls say it a lot. What even is the patriarchy? The word sounds like a fake disease.

2. They constantly complain about equal pay. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard that women only earn 77 cents to a male’s dollar.

I’ve never had a job, but that stat doesn’t seem right. Maybe women should, like, work harder – ever thought about that, ladies?

3. They complain about the dress code at school and make unsubstantiated claims that the rules are “sexist” and they should be allowed to wear what they want. Tank tops and short skirts are distracting to everyone’s learning, please respect that.

4. They cried all day when Hillary Clinton lost the presi-

dential election. Get over it. I certainly didn’t cry, because nothing the president can do will affect my life in any real capacity.

5. Women have an International Women’s Day and a whole month of March dedicated to them. Where is International Men’s Day? Where is their month? They are 50 percent of the world’s population!

The president of Gender Equality Club overheard my conversation and I barely lived to tell the tale. Man, I have never seen such an angry group of people wearing so much pink.

I honestly felt really attacked and have decided to speak out against the horrifying oppression men face all around the world. I will start a Meninist Club at the high school to further my cause and mitigate the damage done by these radical feminists, who are taking over Mercer Island High School as we speak.

Meninist Club will meet every other Monday after school. For our first meeting, we will knit blue dog hats.

Join us!

SATS, more deaths like Tian’s cannot be prevented.

The SATS project is dedicated to Jeffrey Tian, the junior whose unfortunate death launched the students into action. Many of Tian’s close friends are part of the group’s core decision-making body. They hold meetings every Tuesday and Thursday at Jeffery’s home, about a twominute walk from the high school.

“Jeffrey would’ve been so happy to hear about what we’re doing,” Bailey said.

“This is for him.”

While SATS may lead to more traffic in the C-Lot, it is well worth ensuring the safety

“

Jeffrey would’ve been so happy to hear about what we’ve been doing. This is for him.

Sam Bailey

of the many students who are forced to park on the Strip. It is vital that MI students stand up for each other, support SATS, and work together to make sure this school is doing its utmost to protect its students.

20 Whammo Excuses That Will Change Your Life!

Islander staff

#youcantsitwithus

Hey seniors: ever hard-pressed for whammo excuse ideas for Senior Skip Day? Well, look no further, because we here at The Islander have complied a list of the best skip-day excuses of all time!

•

Vietnam for the day

•

Ambiguous religious holiday

•

Reading the fantastic online news site mihsislander.org

•

Finding myself

•

Taking a gap year

•

A cultural thing, don’t question it or you’re racist

•

Trip to Whistler

•

Tesla shopping

•

Long line at New Seasons

•

Couldn’t read my national geographic map

•

Walking out over Bridges

•

I have negative lunch money and I’m scared they’re gonna shark me

•

Campus tour of USC with the entire senior class

•

My dog ate my self esteem

•

Building houses in Tijuana for the day

•

Snow

•

Daylight savings

•

Business

•

Fight club

“Parent” Signature: ________________________________

April 1, 2017

Farts & Entertainment

Alert: Crucial message from the Lost & Found

Thousands follow @themommafia (cont.)

ternet fame. I just wanted my son to have a great bar mitzvah follow @TheMomMafia and the Mom Mafia ruined it.” (continued from page 1) The Mom Mafia recenthow long parents must sit in ly started charging followers pick-up traffic. A post illustratto advertise on their account. ing this phenomenon reads: The account’s first advertise“This is blasphemy. It took me ment was a special promotion a whole 38 minutes to reach

by Starbucks, a free low-fat the front of the school to pick breakfast sandwich with the up my son. Because of purchase of a “douthe unorganized chaos ble shot decaf vanilla that is the pickup line, caramel latte with soy my child was late to his milk.” soccer practice AND Only three and half he didn’t even have months old, time to go to Starbucks @themommafia to get a snack.” The has amassed over 200 picture also gained atthousand followers. tention for displaying a The group shows no half-mile line of Lexsigns of slowing their Photo courtesy Mom Mafia uses, BMWs, Audis, Martha Stewart called the Instagram account “a revolution.” social media activiand Teslas in front of ty, and it is anyone’s Islander Middle School.

‘Mom Mafia’ thing is getting guess what their next post will Last week the account out of hand. Teens will be be. gained tens of thousands of teens, they will throw parties, views on a video of the group and now Joey has to spend *At the time of publication, attempting to shut down a par- $800 of his bar mitzvah mon- 420 mom-run imitation Instaty. The Mafia believed high ey on a new Restoration Hard- gram accounts have sprouted.

-schoolers were throwing a ware door because those wom- Be sure to follow @themomparty at a home in the Lakes, en can’t control their teens! mafia, and remain an authenso a few members filmed They’ve grown drunk from in- tic member of society.

Jake D’Shoe-za

7

themselves breaking down the front door in an attempt to sabotage the gathering. However, as the video revealed, the party was not run by high schoolers at all. The event was a bar mitzvah for 13-year-old Joey Lewinsky. Organizer of the celebration and homeowner Joseph Lewinsky said, “This

Calling all students! The MIHS lost and found is overflowing with expensive and stereotypical Islander items. The attendance office no longer wants to house them. Please glance below and see if you are missing anything.

- Tesla keys - Patagonia fleeces - Lauren Cartwright’s backpack - Macbook Pro - Beats headphones - Michael Kors wallet - Swell and hydro-flask water bottles - Luke’s flag - Acceptance letters - Luke’s leadership abilities - MIHS SPIRIT

- 304 lululemon lunch bags - Wet n’ Wild maroon lipstick - An Ugg - Dino’s point to the story -A map - MIHS sports gear bag - TI Nspire - Sophie Snow’s tan - Drill and cheer skirts - Senior motivation - A $100 bill - Adidas Superstars - A lot of iPads

The World’s BEST Makeout Songs: Your New Favorite Playlist Contributors:

G-Shawty

soundcloud rapper

Jake D’Shoe-za

massage therapist

Sophie no. 224 drama queen

“STACY’S MOM” by Fountains of Wayne

you go for the sweet embrace or a nice smooch?

The world will never know. BFFS 4 EVR! <3

SP: A classic jam for the older generation.

GS: Just too sweet!

JD: A little confusion is perfect in any relationship.

GS: Meeting her family for the first time is always a challenge. I’ve found that this song really pumps me up for taking such an important step in a relationship.

JD: Absolutely nothing gets you in the mood more than thinking about your partner’s mother.

“BEFORE HE CHEATS” by Carrie Underwood SP: “I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4-wheel drive.” Now fellas, don’t play this song in your new ride, accidents may occur.

GS: This country classic lends a sense of urgency, and maybe just a bit of paranoia, to your romantic activities.

JD: I love to be a little confused and cynical while I’m making out.

“YOU’VE GOT A FRIEND IN ME”

Toy Story soundtrack SP: Ladies and gentlemen, we have arrived in the friend zone. Do

“HURT” by Nine Inch Nails, covered

by Johnny Cash

Macgregor

recovering meme addict

to study for your Spanish quiz are the best.

WP: I like to listen to this when I get too happy.

GS: It’s not really a makeout song, but I always end up listening to this one sooner or later.

WP: Get your rhythm on to the Kahoot theme song.

“I AM THE WALRUS” by the Beatles GS: This one’s for all the goofsters out there. A little bit of roleplay always spices things up.

JD: The title represents the way I feel when my girlfriend doesn’t want to make out to this song.

SP: What’s more attractive than a 2,200 pound walrus? I genuinely don’t know.

“CHOP SUEY” by System of a Down

JD: ^Stacy’s mom sure is.

GS: The last time I played this for a girl, I couldn’t really tell what she thought of it. This is probably because I started headbanging and knocked myself unconscious.

“GET LOW” by Lil’ Jon & The Eastside Boyz

JD: Songs about suicide, and death in general, are the dating equivalent of a cold shower.

“KAHOOT”: MAIN THEME GS: Show her that you’ve got brains AND beauty with this neat little ditty.

SP: When that special someone wins Kahoot...so hot. Or should I say “Kahot”?

JD: Makeout sessions that remind you

SP: Sometimes it’s best to just get straight to the point.

JD: I highly recommend you makeout to this contemporary hip-hop classic.

“TAKIN’ CARE OF BUSI NESS” by Bachman Turner Overdrive WP: Take care of your Business while getting down to this Canadian rock anthem.

JD: Great song to put in work, if you catch my drift.

ratemystudents.com

RMS

RATE MY STUDENTS

Mercer Island High School, Mercer Island

Washington - WA

United States > Washington > Mercer Island > Overachievers > Ollie

Welcome to Rate My Student!

Helping Teachers and Administrators make informed judgments about the annoying, the helpless, and the irredeemable within their student population.

Ollie the Overachiever Mercer Island High School Flag Average 3.00 stars Although perpetually prepared and attentive in class, Ollie is like a gerbil on a treadmill, thoughtlessly moving fast with no destination. You will recognize him by the bags under his eyes, pasty skin tone from lack of sunlight, a serious Vitamin D deficiency, and the jingle of change in his pocket for the library copy machine. Is he checking for rain or just raising his hand a lot?

ROASTABILITY

NUMBER OF WHAMMOS

5/5

-3/5

TIME SPENT ON SKYWARD

QUALITY OF HOLIDAY GIFTS

5/5

5/5

TEACHER REVIEWS @you’re_not_your: Ollie waz a joy to have in class, but I waz concerned when he show up on the first day having already devoured my read list.

@everyday_i’m_calculatin’: Before Ollie, math class was undesirable, unappreciated, and generally neglected. Ollie was the only student I have had in my many years of teaching to start reciting the digits of Pi and never stop. I think he might still be going. @romans_b_like: I am going to be honest, Ollie is absolutely insane. I heard he actually worked on his study guide during his own sister’s wedding. She said “I do,” and he is reputed to have said, and I quote, “Can you quiz me on the importance of laurel wreaths when you are finished with this whole wedding thing?”

@cooler_than_absolute0: During final exams week, I found Ollie fast asleep, drooling over an SAT Practice Textbook. May I remind you, he is a freshman.

STUDENT REVIEW @u_b_hatin’: I bet Ollie spends more time on Skyward than he does actually studying. The bags under his eyes are bigger than the lines on Pasta Mondays. I heard he single-handedly made Skyward an Apple top-ten app in the run-up to finals week last January.

Compiled by Ellie Gottesman (@never_been_tardy) and illustration by Sufi Genosar

ISLANDER

9100 SE 42ND STREET MERCER ISLAND, WA 98040 MIHSISLANDER@GMAIL.COM WWW.MIHSISLANDER.ORG Editor in Chief:

Jane Gormley

Front Editor: Features Editor: Sports Editor: Spread Editor: Alternative Facts Editor: A&E Editor: Back Page Editor:

Georgia Mattox Hanna Puetz Nathan Benson Christine Lee Aina Swartz Zoe Levin Ellie Gottesman and Isabel Funk Charles Fischer Hanna Nóren and Georgia Mattox

Cartoonist Online Editors:

Staff Writers: Jake D’Souza, Teddy Fischer, Isabel Funk, Ellie Gottesman, Emma Gottlieb, Reid Martinez, Liam Mcleod, Will Pawlosky, Sophie Poole, Lucille Shield, Grady Short, Maya Virdell, Natalie Wilson Adviser: Chris Twombley

Purpose To provide news to the Mercer Island High School student body and members of the surrounding community in a manner that accurately reflects the Ricky Chess’ opinions.

Editorial Policy

The Islander accepts and welcomes feedback from its readers.

Anyone wishing to submit to The Islander must e-mail his submission to mihsislander@gmail.com or deliver it by hand to Chris Twombley. All submissions must be submitted two weeks before the next publication date, which can be found at any of our distribution boxes. All handwritten submissions must be signed to be considered for publication. No submissions will be published anonymously. Submissions are subject to grammar and spelling. All submissions become property of MIHS Islander.

Ads To print an ad in a future issue of The Islander, contact Business Manager Dylan Notturno at mihsislander@gmail.com for rates and information.

Nondiscrimination Notification The Mercer Island School District does not discriminate in any programs or activities on the basis of sex, race, creed, religion, color, national origin, age, veteran or military status, sexual orientation, gender expression or identity, disability, or the use of a trained dog guide or service animal and provides equal access to the Boy Scouts and other designated youth groups.

The dle

following people have been designated to haninquiries regarding the nondiscrimination policies: Harassment, Intimidation and Bullying (HIB) Coordinator: Dr. Gary Plano, Superintendent (206) 236-3300 gary.plano@mercerislandschools.org Title IX Compliance Coordinator: Dean Mack, CFO/COO, (206) 236-4522 dean.mack@mercerislandschools.org Section 504 & ADA Coordinator: Lindsay Myatich, Director, (206) 236-3326 lindsay.myatich@mercerislandschools.org Civil Rights Compliance Coordinator: Simmi Kher, Coordinator, (206) 236-3300 simmi.kher@mercerislandschools.org