Experiencing Affirmation in your Family

ABOUT THIS TOOL

This tool is designed for families.

In The Cure and Parents, Sarah Clawson takes the risk of doing an affirmation exercise with her family, and the result is a beautiful, vulnerable and trust building experience. We want to help you bring this experience into your own family.

Experiencing Affirmation in Your Family has been created especially for parents, grandparents and children who want to be intentional about building a family that trusts each other's love. Additional Trueface tools on Marriage & Family can be found at www.trueface.org.

Hints to make the most of this tool:

Each family member will need to participate fully in the process. For children who don't yet know how to read (pre-readers), read through pages 4 - 8 out loud, answer the questions verbally, and use the special Pre-reader Activity Sheet designed for pre-readers (page 11).

Before you begin, make sure each family member has his/her own workbook, plus one copy of the Affirming You activity sheet (page 10) for every other family member. You may make additional copies of the activity sheets as needed for your own family.

Choose a time and place that will enable you to focus on each other without interruptions and take your time, trying not to rush the process.

Guide your family through the process with intention.

PERSONAL PREP

Instructions for Each Family Member

On your own, read pages 4 - 8, answering each Press Pause question as you go. This will take you around 30 minutes to complete.

At the top of each blank Affirming You activity sheet (page 10), write the name of a family member in the space provided - one family member per sheet. You will not put your own name on an Affirming You sheet. Note: Pre-readers can use the special Activity Sheet on page 11 and can skip the rest of these instructions.

On each Affirming You activity sheet, circle all the words that you think are true about the person whose name you wrote at the top of the page.

Write the "Top Five" words or phrases - those you think best describe the person in the box provided.

In the Notes section of each activity sheet, write down examples to explain why you chose your "Top Five" affirming words. A sample of a completed Affirming You activity sheet is provided on page 9 to help you.

After you complete this Personal Prep, you will join together to complete the Family Time section (see page 12). Make sure you are prepared for the Family Time section by reading the instructions.

AFFIRMATION

The Perfect Way to Make Someone You Love Feel Great

Have you ever wondered: ?

Why do people keep trying to climb Mt. Everest, the tallest mountain in the world, even when so many others have died trying?

Why do so many kids at school try to wear the "right" brand of shoes even when other brands are just as good?

Why do people want to be like sports and rock stars?

The answer to these questions can be found in the word "significance." We all have a need for significance. Significance means feeling important or special. When we feel significant, we know our lives count for something-that we have a purpose for being alive.

Everyone wants to feel significant. Some people will try to do very difficult or even crazy things to try to find significance. They may try to be famous. They may try to earn lots of money. Some people, maybe kids in your classes at school, do silly or even dangerous things so others will think they are "cool."

Press Pause

Feeling significant is a good thing, but some of the things people do to find significance are not good. Can you think of good and bad things people do to try to feel significant?

Affirmation Is a Love Word

We feel significant when somebody tells us good things about who we are or what we do. When people compliment us, it is called "affirmation." Affirmation means to tell somebody something good about them, like when you tell your dad that he cooks great hamburgers, or when you tell a friend that you love to hear her sing.

Did you know that many famous and rich people can feel less significant than those who are not? Do you know why? When somebody who doesn't know you very well tells you something good, you cannot be sure if he or she are telling the truth. Sometimes people say good things because they want to get something from you. They may say they want to be your friend just so they can play with your new toy. This is called "manipulation," which is like lying to get what you want. Manipulators give flattery-dishonest praise with a "gotcha" lurking beneath. Rich or famous people may hear lots of affirming words, but so much of what they hear is really just manipulation from people who want something from them. So if they don't have friends they can trust, the affirming words don't help them feel significant.

Affirmation is a love word. Because affirmation is a love word, it always tries to do good things for the other person. Affirmation gives for the sake of giving. You give a compliment just because you want to. Affirmation is like a beautiful, no-strings-attached gift. It's just an open, "I appreciate you for who you are, and I appreciate what you've done for me."

Press Pause

Can you remember a time you were affirmed? Write it down. How did it make you feel?

WHEN

WE FEEL significant, WE KNOW our lives count for something, that we have a PURPOSE for being alive.

Learning the Language of Love

When you learn to speak affirming words to your family members, each person begins to feel significant, and your family grows stronger and healthier. Learning affirmation is like learning a new language or like learning to ride a bike. At first, it may seem hard or even impossible. But eventually, with practice, it becomes second nature-you don't even realize you're trying to do it!

When you affirm people, they feel loved. And love is like good food for the spirit, helping peoples' hearts grow strong. You can affirm the people in your family by telling them the good things that you honestly feel about who they are, what they do and what they mean to you. lt sounds simple, but we usually don't affirm people enough, and most of us would like to be affirmed more. Strong families focus on learning a language of love that includes many affirming words. (You will learn some of these words in the activity you'll soon do with your family.)

There is another language, called "criticism," that is not good for families. When people criticize to try to "help" others change their behavior, the criticism can actually make the behavior worse! Nagging, raised voices, cutting remarks and constant teasing are all forms of criticism that lead to a family life that isn't very fun. It's tough to grow up in a family that only understands the language of criticism, because in critical families, people feel insignificant and sometimes even hopeless. But you can make a difference in your family. You can choose to look for the strengths in your brother or sister or mom or dad. You can learn a new language of love.

Press Pause

Why do you think most people find it easier to use the language of criticism than the language of affirmation?

LEARNING affirmation is like learning a new language or like learning TO RIDE A BIKE.

Significant Fun

Even if you haven't done much of it before, you're really going to like affirming your family. It's a fantastic experience, and you'll find out so much about yourself that you may not have known before. It can even help you figure out what you want to do in the future! Affirmation is very powerful, and can help others you love to find significance.

Above all, I think you are:

NOTES:

Mom always makes sure we have great meals, especially the macaroni and cheese. She teaches me stuff all the time, even things for school. She plans birthday parties and fun tripS, like when we went to the aquarium. Whenever I'm not feeling well, she takes care of me, even if I'm just sad or frustrated about something. TOP 5 1 2 3 4 5

Above all, I think you are:

AFFIRMING YOU

The good things about

FAMILY MEMBER'S NAME

adventurous artistic bold careful caring cautious comforting courteous creative curious dependable determined disciplined encouraging energetic exciting faithful festive firm flexible fun-loving funny generous gentle genuine gifted giving goal-driven good gracious gutsy helpful honest humble imaginative industrious influential ingenious inquisitive insightful intelligent inventive joyful kind

leading listening loving loyal merciful musical obedient observant orderly organized original patient persistent persuasive pioneering poetic positive powerful practical protecting real respectful

risk-taking scheduled secure selfless sensitive smart spiritual spontaneous stable steady strong successful talented talkative teachable teaching thoughtful trustworthy watchful wild wise zestful

AFFIRMING YOU

In the space below, draw a picture of the good things about your family member. FAMILY

AFFIRMING EACH OTHER Instructions for the Whole Family

Gather together in a room or place where you can focus your attention on each other.

Together, review and discuss your answers to the Press Pause questions on pages 4 -7.

Choose one family member (the one whose birthday is closest works fine). One by one, the rest of the family should share their top five answers from the Affirming You activity sheets wirh the chosen person, including the reasons and examples for those "Top Five". Here are the ground rules for your sharing time:

Nobody, including the one being affirmed, can interrupt affirmations. No negative statements or disagreement are allowed.

As much as possible, look into the eyes of the person you are affirming.

Don't begin sentences with "he" or "she", talking "about" the person. Instead, talk "to" the person by using "you" in your sentences.

If you are being affirmed, listen carefully and focus on letting it soak in.

If you are the one being affirmed, use the What I Heard About Me page (page 13) to write down what your family says about you. As your family affirms you, circle the mentioned items making additional notes to create your own list of affirmations. In the future, you can come back to this page to remember what others said and to be encouraged again and again.

After each member of the family has affirmed the chosen person, ask him/her the following questions:

What did you hear us say?

How do you feel about what we said?

Repeat the process above for each family member.

After every person has been affirmed, discuss the Affirmation Follow-up Questions on page 14 together as a family.

WHAT I HEARD ABOUT ME

What my family thinks is great about me:

Above all, they think I am: TOP 5

1 2 3 4 5

adventurous artistic bold careful caring cautious comforting courteous creative curious dependable determined disciplined encouraging energetic exciting faithful festive firm flexible fun-loving funny generous gentle genuine gifted giving

goal-driven good gracious gutsy helpful honest humble imaginative industrious influential ingenious inquisitive insightful intelligent inventive joyful kind

leading listening loving loyal merciful musical obedient observant orderly organized original patient persistent persuasive pioneering poetic positive powerful practical protecting real respectful

risk-taking scheduled secure selfless sensitive smart spiritual spontaneous stable steady strong successful talented talkative teachable teaching thoughtful trustworthy watchful wild wise zestful

AFFIRMING FOLLOW-UP

Was this activity helpful to you?

Do you see how affirmation can be very helpful to our family?

Do you think our family is more affirming or critical? Do you think we can learn to be more affirming?

Which of the Fun Ideas listed below would you like to do as a family?

MORE FUN IDEAS FOR AFFIRMING EACH OTHER

Have each child (and parent) create their own Box of Affirmations. Have them decorate a shoe box however they'd like, and as they receive encouraging letters, put them in the box. When they hear affirmations from their family or elsewhere, have them write them down and put them in the box. You can even place this booklet in the box once it has been completed. You or your child can then dig into the Box of Affirmations the next time encouragement is needed.

On a child or parent's birthday, remind the person of what you shared during your Experiencing Affirmation in the Family activity.