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5D;;H ;0?B43 David Templeton drolly relates how once he was lost but now is found.

FaTcRW ;XZT <T The outrageous true story of a former fundamentalist and how he was saved from being saved—a damnable comedy By David Templeton Editor’s Note: We are honored and delighted to preview in these pages the first half of a working draft of theater critic David Templeton’s one-man stage show. David has written for the ‘Bohemian’ for some 15 years and has been our theater reviewer for over six years, winning a prestigious NEA grant in 2006 to study theater criticism at USC through its Annenberg School of Journalism. What follows is the first act of the stage production he has planned for two runs in the North Bay. It has also been accepted at the Sonoma Fringe Festival, to be performed this fall, and may be headed toward Edinburgh next summer. We are hugely proud of David and think that you’ll enjoy reading his show as much as we did. The entire script can be found online at www.bohemian.com.

Act One—Prologue [Cue music. Lights come up on a bare stage containing only a stool, center-stage, and a table with various books and papers on it. David makes his way to center stage. He is dressed in black, possibly wearing a small cross or dove on a chain around his neck.] Good evening. Thanks for coming tonight. First, there are a few things you should know right from the start. My name is David Templeton. I was born on May 18, 1960, and I was born again on May 21, 1971, which I’m guessing makes me at least a triple Taurus. See, I’m already a double Taurus because my physical birth took place when the sun and the moon were both in my astrological house, but because the moon and the sun were both in

my house 11 years later when I gave my life to Jesus in a trailer in the fifth grade [Pausing, as if suddenly realizing something], maybe I’m actually a quadruple Taurus! I don’t know. I don’t even believe in astrology. I don’t really believe in God anymore, either. I don’t. But not believing in God doesn’t mean I don’t believe in anything. I believe in lots of things. I believe Bruce Springsteen is the greatest rock and roll musician alive. I believe Reverend Dude, my former minister, would be shocked that I opened this show with a reference to astrology. Astrology was high on his list of all-time abominations to God. A list I’m very likely on myself at this point, or will be by the end of the show. There’s one thing I believe in above all else, the most important thing I learned over the course of my crazy years as a teenage born-again Christian. I believe I’ll make you wait till the end of the show to tell what that thing is. I believe this concludes the prologue, and now I believe it’s time to get on with the show.

Part One: Sheep Jesus was baptized once. I’ve been baptized three times. (It doesn’t make me better than Jesus, just wetter.) The first time was at Christ Church Parish Episcopal in Ontario, in San Bernardino County, in Southern California, where I grew up. I have two brothers—Steve, the older one, and Jeff, the younger one. My dad, Gene Templeton,

retired now, was a stationery salesman for the first half of his professional life and a schooldistrict purchasing agent for the rest of it. My mom, Dianna, held scads of jobs, most of them vaguely secretarial, in a bunch of different cities, but if you asked her to tell you her profession, she’d have told you she was a singer. And she was. My mom was an incredible singer, of the evening-gown and smoky-lounge variety. In describing her singing voice, people used words like “pure,� “clear� and “sultry.� Actually, it was her musical ambitions, her need to sing, in part, that eventually led to my parents’ divorce in 1966. But I think I was talking about baptism. [Cue watery music and sound effect] Father Williams, he was the priest who did the honors. FATHER WILLIAMS: [With a strong Scottish accent] “I baptize thee in the name of the Father, the Son and Holy Ghost!� I always imagined Father Williams baptizing me with a Scottish accent, though I’m not certain he was Scottish. “We receive this child into the congregation of Christ’s flock, do sign him with the sign of the cross, that hereafter he shall not be ashamed to confess the faith of Christ crucified, and manfully to fight.� (This is just very Scottish, don’t you think?) “Manfully to fight against sin, the world and the devil, and to continue as Christ’s faithful servant and '' soldier unto his life’s end. Amen.� THE BOHEMIAN

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