UNTITLED SCREENPLAY by My Name Here
123/456-7890 no.such@thing.com
BASICS - ACT 1 MUSIC/CREDITS INT. CAROLINE'S APT - DAY A man's hand turns on the bathroom faucet. An unkempt array of beauty/hygeine products clutter the counter. INT. FIONA'S HOUSE - DAY A woman's hand is brushing her child's teeth. FIONA (V.O.) See, just like that--now you try. INT. CAROLINE'S APT - DAY Pan across her pineapple with littered to-do mugs that read
studio apartment: empty booze bottles, A the knife stuck in it, art magazines, lists,tubes of paint, two plastic custom-made "SHRED CHALLENGE," mardis gras beads, etc.
A row of stylish shoes and boots Return to: man in the mirror, catching himself (and his butt) in the mirror as he turns on the shower faucet. Return to pan: On a dresser sits sample perfume bottles, several half full-full glasses of water, a goofy old photograph of three siblings carving pumpkins together. INT. FIONA'S HOUSE - DAY We follow someone's footsteps down the hallway--nicely-framed portaits of a mom, dad, and two kids decorate the walls. The frames say things like "family" and "love" on them. We peer over the stairwell railing into a lovely foyer. An overenergized child stands downstairs with backpack on and swimming goggles on his forehead. FIONA (V.O.) (cutesy and loving) Do you have everything you need Mister??? CHILD (jumping up and down) I NEED another PUDDING SNACK!!!!!! INT. CAROLINE'S APT - DAY Caroline is groggily half-asleep in her bed. A loud thud outside, likely contruction. Caroline's cheap blinds unravel on one end and knock her in the head. Her eyes pop open, confused and disgruntled.
2. INT. FIONA'S HOUSE - DAY Fiona is smiling at the top of the stairs. Her son is unruly and annoying, but she thinks he can do no wrong. FIONA (animated) ANOTHER pudding snack??!! Pots clang downstairs, the child shrieks excitedly. We see her feet descending the stairs again, now adorned in slouchy, girlish black boots. FIONA (V.O.) (CONT'D) Okay, one more--but just today!! INT. CAROLINE'S APT - DAY Caroline rolls out of bed. She slips on a pair of slippers your grandma buys for $6 at RiteAid. The shower is running. She steps into the tiny bathroom and rips open the shower curtain. MUSIC STOPS A very average looking man stands tall, proud and grinning under the running water. CAROLINE (surprised) Peter! (then, annoyed) What the hell are you doing here! PETER (as if all is casual) Hey babe. He looks down, as if to indicate something about his dong... Caroline rolls her eyes and storms out of the bathroom. CAROLINE OH MY GOD!!!! MUSIC FADES BACK IN PETER (TEASING) Baby...! CAROLINE (from other room) Not my name!!!!!!
3. EXT. FIONA'S HOUSE The child is waiting at the bus stop with other neighbourhood kids. NEIGHBOURHOOD KID (making fun) Hey Stephen, was it tough SWIMMING to the bus stop today?? All the other kids laugh. One brushes him on the shoulder: NEIGHBOURHOOD KID 2 You got some seaweed there!! They all laugh. From Fiona's POV, all the kids are playing joyfully. The image of their 'play' fills her phone's camera lense as she takes an instagram shot. Her partner, Andrew, kisses her on the cheek as they look on. Stephen is totally oblivious to the fact the kids are making fun of him. He just keeps flailing excitedly and going along with it. INT. CAROLINE'S APT - DAY Caroline is struggling to put on a pair of ostentatious green booties when her phone dings. Her phone is "notifying" her of the picture Fiona just took. The Instagram caption reads: "First day of the first grade! #busstopswag" She hurriedly tries to silence her ringtone, fumbles and drops the phone. It ends up deep under her bed. Caroline must get into a contorted, painful position that nobody who has just woken up with a hangover would ever, ever want to be in. CAROLINE (through her teeth) Christ! "@"Milliennial Parents... She reaches CAROLINE (CONT'D) Hashtag...... She attempts another big reach
4. CAROLINE (CONT'D) (mounting pain, frustration) Hashtag.... One more big reach CAROLINE (CONT'D) (almost yelling) Hashtag hashtag hashtag hashtag hashtag!!!!!!!! She finally grabs the phone and yanks it from under the bed. She begins waddling around on one green boot again as she tries to find the missing pieces of her life (I.e., the contents of her purse). Peter enters in towel, she doesn't see him though (or care) CAROLINE (CONT'D) (in a silly/pathetic kind of spiteful tone) That's really nice Fiona, but some of us have heinous JOBS we must go to before embarking on any of THAT bullshit ! She rolls onto her butt to get the other shoe on. PETER (nonchalant) Talking to yourself Caroline? She ignores Peter. CAROLINE Hashtag. Finally, she giggles at herself a bit. INT. FIONA'S CAR We finally see Fiona's face: She is in the driver's seat and starts the car. She is prettily made up, put together, with a big furry hood behind her head, smiling, happy to start her day. EXT. STREET, NEW YORK, NEW YORK Caroline walks stridently ahead, Peter trailing her, smirking. He's rather shabbily dressed in the t-shirt and jeans from last night. She is outfitted in a nice skirt and blouse, trendy coat, but her bright green heeled booties noticeably do not match. Is she going to work or leaving the club?
5. Even more visible: her hangover. PETER What's the rush for?? CAROLINE (yelling back at him, flailing) I dunno, maybe my career? He laughs silently behind her. They arrive outside the train station. CAROLINE (wishfully kidding) Well, I guess this is where we part ways, Peter!! PETER (confused, serious) Caroline, we work at the same place... Caroline sighs regretfully, disappointed more in her own decisions than Peter's existence. They get on the train, standing smushed together around a metal pole. They're right up against each other, indifferent. She looks ill. INT. FIONA'S GYM Fiona is wearing brightly patterned spandex items--tight leggings and a fitted workout tank. Upbeat electronic dance music blasts. She moves aggressively and excitedly to her aerobics class. Women in similar attire workout to an aerobics class, shouting "yes!!" And "yah!!" Exitedly as they kick imaginary punching bags and punch the air. GYM INSTRUCTOR (shouts ballistically while punching) Yessss SuperShredderssss!!!! MUSIC COMES TO A PUNCHY STOP INT. CAROLINE'S OFFICE BUILDING Caroline and Peter burst in through double doors, commotion of a busy building lobby all around them. They get into the elevator together.
6. They're both silent, and everybody else in the elevator is also tired and silent. DING! They exit the elevator, right back into the commotion, going their separate ways. Caroline walks through the office, taken aback. Everyone is bustling around her nervously. What's going on? CAROLINE (out loud) Isn't it Friday?? A nervous coworker finally runs up and walks with her. They walk exaggeratedly faster and faster as they talk. NADINE Caroline--I know, I know--I feel like ass and a half too--but Jon is on the war path. Shredders TM BodyWorks Limited is in the building. They want a Brand Plan by one before the Insta Body Wars Convention, or they're OUT. Call for pitches at TEN. Nadine turns off in another direction into the office. Caroline shouts after her in a panic. CAROLINE Ten?! Nadine turns back to give her a nervous look of confirmation. CAROLINE (outloud, overwhelmed) Ten. She looks at her watch: it's 9:15. She immediately picks up her pace, almost running into an oddly large and bizarrely placed office plant. At her cubicle she begins to haphazardly unload her bag of sketching materials, laptop and other devices, cords, papers, throwing them all onto her desk--but stops quickly. She looks at the digital clock on her desk with cat stickers all over it. It's 9:20. She closes her eyes and takes in a deep breath.
7. INT. FIONA'S GYM Fiona is on a yoga mat in her aerobics class, also breathing deeply, for a cool down, surrounded by the other fit, healthy-minded, brightly-attired suburban women. GYM INSTRUCTOR (obnoxiously serene) In!.... And, Out..... INT. CAROLINE'S OFFICE BUILDING Caroline exhales. CAROLINE (to herself) At the end of the day, you'll go home and pet your cat. At the end of the day, you'll go -A sudden flashback of Peter nodding towards his dong in her shower. He looks straight at us, suddenly the voice of reason. PETER You don't even have a cat. Flash back to the present: the phone at her desk rings abruptly. She jumps to pick it up. CAROLINE Caroline Normato, Assistant... It comes out like a question. She shakes her head and mumbles out of the phone in embarassment. SHARON (V.O.) (on the phone, relaxed and sing-songy) Hiiii Honey--it's your muh-therrr! Caroline is only slightly relieved. She slouches back in her chair in surrender. CAROLINE (dejectedly) Ugh! Hello Mom. How can I help you today? SHARON Oh, stop that! (corny and praising)--I'm not here to talk business deals with some hot shot Ad Girl!
8. CAROLINE (sighs) Right... INT. SARATOGA SPRINGS TRAIN STATION Sharon, a well put-together mid-50s woman, with a sassy short hair cut and apparel verging on silly-old-lady-who-dresses-too-young-for-her-age, stands waiting at the gate with rolling suitcase in hand. SHARON Ok honey. I'm getting on the train now so I'll be in New York about one o'clock. CAROLINE (V.O,) Mom what are you talking about. SHARON (exaggerated concern) Didn't I tell you dear, that I was coming to visit this afternoon? Just a day trip! INT. CAROLINE'S OFFICE BUILDING CAROLINE (getting upset) Mom are you doing that ridiculous thing where you somehow mix me up with Fiona?! Alternating scenes. Sharon starts lining up at the gate to board the train. SHARON No!!! CAROLINE You never told me about this mom! SHARON Yes I did!! Sharon hands a ticket to the boarding agent, smiling and shaking her head, intimating her apologies for the silly conversation. The boarding agent smiles back. Sharon is a sweet and sparkly older woman, and everybody loves her. CAROLINE (upset and whiny) Mother you are so going to West Delamar right now!
9. SHARON (teasing) No I'm not!! Caroline slumps. CAROLINE You think I'm Fiona, Mother... Sharon settles in her seat on the train, content. SHARON See you at one, my dear, darling Caroline!! The phone clicks off. Caroline's cat clock turns from 9:29 to 9:30.
ACT 1 SCENE 2 INT. CAROLINE'S OFFICE--BOARDROOM Caroline sits with various coworkers, fidgeting a bit but trying to play it cool. Everyone is silent. Nadine shoots Caroline a pressing glance across the table. Finally their boss, Jon, bursts into the room and abruptly begins the meeting. JON The biggest body-centric convention of the decade is in 5 hours, their corporate leaders and founders are arriving at our offices here in 4, and I have 15 of you. Who has my Brand Plan that will shake the friggin yoga pants off these bastards? The room remains silent. Caroline looks as though she's about to say something... But Felix the know-it-all jumps to speak before she can get a word in. FELIX Shredders TM BodyWorks Limited is the fastest growing corporate fitness program in America--why shouldn't extreme group fitness be (corny pause for effect)... the new all-American pastime?
10. Caroline laughs and nearly snorts under her breath. But she's actually just as overly-confident. She awkwardly covers it up with some kind of a... cough? Jon shoots her a confused look. JON Caroline? CAROLINE Yeah! Mhm! JON An all-American pastime. Interesting concept Felix. Your thoughts on this Caroline? CAROLINE Yeah mhm, well, that is an interesting concept Felix... She has no idea where she's going with this. CAROLINE (CONT'D) But is it really all-American... (now putting on a bullshitting "ad" voice) or is it all... GLOBAL? She also pauses for effect, as though she just dropped the mic. But Jon is completely unimpressed. JON Caroline why don't you go ahead and take away the first pitch. What's your story? Caroline is taken by surprise, being totally unprepared despite her comment. She clears her throat, fidgets a bit, as if to get up, but she doesn't. Everyone in the boardroom is waiting for her to speak. The pause becomes awkward. CAROLINE (suddenly) Oh-okay She jumps out of her seat a little too quick. She backs up and takes a deep breath--there it is again, her ad-face, her ad-voice.
11. CAROLINE (CONT'D) An extreme fitness program isn't for the girl next-door, the 9 to 5-er, nor the mother of 3. No, it's not for your average person--it's for your EVERYPERSON. It's for all of the above and more: the mother of 3 who 9 to 5's nextdoor, and the construction worker who 6 to 2s and loves to cook, the struggling student, the established physician, the grandma with tattoos, the go-getters, the believers. Extreme fitness is for those who believe in their (silly hand gesture) EVERYPERSON. Caroline is pleased with herself. Too pleased. The room looks the same--bored, as if still waiting for her big point to be made. Her contentedness quickly turns to frustration. CAROLINE (CONT'D) Ok, look--extreme fitness isn't branded for just one kind of person, but all people! There is no one demographic, no target audience! It goes against everything any average person has ever assumed about incorporated fitness programs, which is exactly the point. Our target audience ISN'T the niche--it's the average. It's the... everyperson. RANDOM BORED GUY The everyperson. CAROLINE The everyperson. JON The everyperson... CAROLINE Uh... Yes, everybody... Everyone. FELIX (sarcastically) Oh, so, the everyperson? Caroline nods agressively at Felix, as if to say, 'duh you asshole.'
12. FELIX (sassy and rude) So with no target audience, and by simply saying anybody can do extreme fitness, you really think we'll sell? Caroline is bothered by his comments, begins to mount her defense but... FELIX (CONT'D) (laughing douchily) I mean, have you ever even done a Shredders TM BodyWorks Limited class? Or even a tape? BORED GUY (interjecting) They're certainly not for the average human being... NADINE Let alone American... Caroline looks at Nadine, disappointed in her pal. What the hell Nadine?! Nadine shoots back an admitting look--just being honest! JON (annoyed) The Shredders TM BodyWorks Limited program is classified as a 'militant cardio regimen' CAROLINE (under breath) Oh my God... exactly! JON (CONT'D) ...'defined by only the most radical guidelines and specifications known to current fitness' FELIX (jumping in again) "the Jihad of fitness religion" CAROLINE (outloud, sarcastic) Aha Oh! Great! Jon turns to her--he hears her snarky comments.
13. JON (very serious) Caroline, if you don't understand this brand, let alone believe in it, why are you here today? CAROLINE (upset and dumbfounded) Jihad of fitness religion?! You people cannot be serious! We see again a room of straight faces. Caroline steps back as if blown away. CAROLINE (CONT'D) (in disbelief) No. Come on. Nadine lowers her head NADINE (under breath) And she does it again... CAROLINE How can any of us sit here and be content with representing a freaking fitness program--a stupid incorporated fitness program, whatever the hell that trademarked bullshit is--that compares its actions to religious warfare?! I mean, honestly, that does a disservice to religious warfare! More blank faces; awkward faces who don't want to deal with another outburst... CAROLINE (CONT'D) Ok... so the Shredders TM BodyWorks Limited Program involves cardio-muscular tasks like "brick hurling" and "partner stomping," and we just stand by idly, happy to represent such ridiculous crap? Several colleagues nod emotionlessly. CAROLINE (CONT'D) We cannot possibly represent such inhumanity in the name of "fitness"--let alone put a TRADEMARK on it! Felix, once again speaking the obvious...
14. FELIX Well, yes Caroline, yes. We can, and we are. She looks disappointed, hopeless, fed-up. Jon looks disturbed by her outburst. JON (oddly considerate, concerned) Caroline... Why don't you take a moment... He signals toward the door. Caroline stands there, her posture gone, exhausted, shocked. JON (slowly) Who would like to pitch next...
ACT 1 SCENE III Caroline is walking down the street outside her office, dejectedly. She stops in place and peers at a pigeon nibbling the leftover contents from a "Choco Taco" ice cream bar wrapper. She immediately enters the nearest convenience store and purchases a Choco Taco. She proceeds to eat it as she walks sulkingly down the street. CAROLINE (in a silly tired and frustrated manner, shaking her head and making ridiuculous arm movements, in between bites of her Choco Taco, and with her mouth full) Why don't you 'take a moment'... If you don't 'believe in this brand' mmm hashtag hashtag brand brand brand I'm Felix I have a big bug up my ass and this is my boyfriend Jonathan! She suddenly sees an attractive young businessman coming her way down the street. He isn't paying her the slightest of mind but she straightens up and stops talking to herself, wipes her mouth with her hand.
15. She immediately slumps back down once he passes. CAROLINE (CONT'D) (in the same mock voice) I'm Fiona! I'm a militant cardio BITCH ! Suddenly she hears a church bell clanging very loudly. It is overwhelmingly loud. She looks all around to find out the source, as if it's some great mystery. It's coming from a sweet little church across the intersection. She whips her head to the other side: A huge window display completely full of those little "waving" chinese cats... She fumbles to pull her phone out of her coat pocket, guessing a few wrong pockets at first. Finally she finds it and--it's noon! CAROLINE (CONT'D) Sharon! She quickly turns the corner, suddenly determined. MONTAGE CALM, FOLKSY MUSIC BEGINS Caroline is breathing deeper and more slowly now. She's tired but no longer as upset as before. She passes by one of her company's own ads, on a billboard: "FIGHT--FOR YOUR RIGHT--TO CARDI-OH-YEAH!!! The ad is accompanied by a ridiculous image of fit young people in brightly coloured, futuristic-looking, spandex outfits. They're arranged in various aggressive positions, each gripping very large, rustic brown bricks. One fit person is throwing their brick at the "screen" and it is "shattering" the billboard. Caroline chucks the remainder of her Choco Taco into an overflowing trash bin. Caroline rolls her eyes, and mimics one of their silly moves. She laughs a bit at herself and sighs. She begins passing by some new scenery, out of the downtown center, down side streets. Mothers watching their children at a mosque playground. Teenage kids goofing off at a corner.
16. A man struggling to stay awake at his umbrella stand. She passes by a different bus stop ad: "P.R.E.P. for HIV" She dips into an underground entrance. A man is playing the song we've been hearing on his guitar. She enters the shopping mall portion of the underground. She now passes what she can't tell is an ad or an art installation. In Barbara Kruger style, a series of ad spaces on mall stands read, one at a time: YOU WANT IT ALL She slows down a bit with the passing of each one. Rather frivolous clothing, jewlery, and tech stores surround her. Another sigh. She finally sees the sign directing her toward PENN STATION. She follows the arrow. INT. PENN STATION Caroline is exhausted. She quickly settles into a waiting area chair, and then arranges herself so she can lie down on the whole row. She starts to close her eyes, holding her bag close into her chest, but first makes sure to check out the arrivals board above her: SCHENECTADY--1:20 PM GATE 8 Gate 8 is just a few over. She shuts her eyes and falls into a deep sleep. MUSIC FADES OUT Scene fades out. INT. PENN STATION Scene fades back in. Caroline is still asleep on the seats. Enter Sharon, slowly approaching Caroline with her bag in hand, looking lovingly at the poor little girl... Well, adult.
17. She sits down next to Caroline as quietly as possible. Sharon wraps her arm around Caroline and lifts her head up to rest on her. Sharon lovingly caresses Caroline's shoulder. SHARON Hi baby. Caroline squirms in her sleep a bit. A beat. Her eyes pop open. She jumps up, frightened, and lets out a little yelp. CAROLINE Oh! Mother! What the hell?!!! SHARON Hiiii honey, I'm sorry, I tried... CAROLINE Hahahaha, oh my god mom. Caroline calms down and hugs her mother. She stays there a bit, almost falling asleep again. SHARON What is wrong with you honey? CAROLINE (sleepily and joking) Mom I always sleep in public. SHARON (going along with it) Oh yeah, I forgot. Sharon props her daughter back up. SHARON Caroline-Caroline perks back up, she's awake now. SHARON You need to come home. CAROLINE (putting up a defense) Mom, I'm fine! I'm doing just fine-SHARON No...
18. CAROLINE (defense again) I know I'm sleeping on a bench in public today, but things are really picking up at work, and,(she can feel herself lying) my boss is really growing to like me, actually... SHARON Ok, but-CAROLINE (quickly interjecting again) And I'm thisssss much closer to the next step. SHARON (just as quick to respond now) The next step?! CAROLINE (hesitating) Well... I dunno but, like, I feel like... Sharon cuts in this time. SHARON Caroline I know--I know that you have been working very hard. Sharon looks Caroline right in the eyes and still has a motherly hand on her daughter's shoulder. Caroline is silent now. SHARON (CONT'D) And I know you have many goals. I'm really, very proud of you. And I do think you need a break, I do think you need to slow down, but that's not why I'm here. A beat. Sharon has Caroline's full attention. SHARON (CONT'D) (slowly and with importance) Fiona is engaged--and she wants YOU to be her Maid of Honor. Caroline's eyes remain wide and silent, and locked on her mother's.