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Popular anti-resolutions for the new year
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ot everyone is out there sweating at the gym just because a new year rolled around a few weeks ago. For every person who has started walking before work or has given up cigarettes, there are probably ten more who are working on their 2014 antiresolutions. What, you never heard of anti-resolutions? Let us educate you. Here are some of the most popular: Watch more TV Statistics say the average American spends a full 9 years of his or her life watching TV. Frankly, that’s just pathetic. We’re supposed to be the greatest country in the world and we can’t manage 10 years of lifetime TV watching? Come on, people. Get drunk more often The “occasional” drink ranks high on the Wuss Factor. Why drink at all if you’re not going to get serious about it? Among the expected results: cirrhosis of the liver, diabetes, and car accidents. Excessive drinking is the root cause of nearly 100,000 deaths every year. Nearly? With just a little more effort, let’s reach that six-figure milestone. Increase your stress level All by itself, stress can weaken the body’s immune
system enough to make you sick. And lord knows, there is no shortage of stuff to stress out over. People who aren’t stressed are heartless, callous, selfcentered narcissists who have no grasp of the enormity of the problems facing the human race. Don’t you dare be one of those people.
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS Smoke more cigarettes Each and every year, an estimated 438,000 Americans die prematurely due to the effects of smoking. The efforts of these martyrs makes a significant and noble contribution in the fight against global population growth. But we could do so much more. Cut back on healthy foods The number of people on this planet who go to bed hungry 365 nights per year numbers in the billions. Billions. Every time you skip your daily five servings of fruits and vegetables in favor
of processed factory-made foods, you make more food available to earth’s starving billions. Please. Do your part. Reduce exercise “Failure to launch” has many benefits. Just two of them, heart disease and obesity, help clear the way for coming generations in a big way: heart disease is the #1 killer of Americans. Combine the previous anti-resolution and this one and what have you got? Eating delicious donuts on the couch. Fun! Sex, sex, and more sex Speaking of fun: indiscriminate, casual, unprotected sex gives birth to 12 million new cases of sexually transmitted diseases every year in the U.S. alone — and probably a few babies, too. Some STDs are fatal, which means the parents of those babies won’t have to put up with the sass and disrespect of their own children when they become teenagers. That’s a win. Don’t wear seatbelts Sure, driving kills more people in the 1 to 35 age group than anything else, but tyranny has killed millions too. Be a patriot: being unbuckled is your vote for personal freedom. Hopefully these few suggestions will get you started on some antiresolutions of your own. +
JANUARY 24, 2014
All things in moderation For all the people who don’t subscribe to the article on the left, this is the right side of page one. Thanks for stopping by. When people begin a new exercise program — and that could be plenty of people this time of year — they often push their bodies too far and put themselves at risk for injury. That can lead to aborted exercise plans and getting reacquainted with the couch. The common notion that exercise must be really hard or painful to be beneficial is simply wrong. Moderation is the key to safe exercise. Safe exercise programs start slowly and gradually build up in intensity, frequency, and duration. In addition, if you have an existing health problem, such as high blood pressure, diabetes, a history of heart disease, or are a smoker, you should contact your doctor before beginning any vigorous physical activity. Safe Exercise Guidelines • Use Proper Equipment. Replace your athletic shoes as they wear out. Wear comfortable, loosefitting clothes that let you move freely and are light enough to release body heat. When exercising in cold weather, dress in removable layers. “The greatest hazard of exercise • Balanced fitness. is not doing it.” Develop a balanced — Dr. Harvey Simon fitness program that incorporates cardiovascular exercise, strength training, and flexibility. In addition to providing a total body workout, a balanced program will keep you from getting bored and lessen your chances of injury. • Warm Up. Warm up to prepare to exercise, even before stretching. Run in place for a few minutes, breathe slowly and deeply, or gently rehearse the motions of the exercise to follow. Warming up increases your heart and blood flow rates and loosens up other muscles, tendons, ligaments, and joints. Please see MODERATION page 2