Maine Krampus Breaking news: Technological apocalypse at UMaine
A Kiwibot army compromised the entire University of Maine System on April 1, wreaking havoc among the student body. What many describe as “doomsday,” is a mass-mutiny of robotic cuboids. The small, yet powerful machines were manufactured for the sole purpose of delivering food to co-eds. Until now, there was a widespread misconception that the Kiwibots are incapable of turning on its creators, the dangerous assumption that they could do no evil.
Many wonder what initiated a robotic revolt of such magnitude. The
Kiwibots are programmed to destroy because the software that controls them was hacked. The Computer Science department attempted entry in the system but to no avail. There is only a matter of time before UMaine transforms into UKiwi. Do not approach a Kiwibot under any circumstance. Humans have no idea what they are capable of. As you read this, the bots are knocking over trees along the mall, chasing faculty members and causing vehicles to swerve off the road. Furthermore, they accessed Brightspace and MaineStreet. Every student transcript and degree progress report is permanently deleted.
Approximately $10 million-worth of Bear Bucks were wired overseas.
The Kiwibots limited all access to academic buildings. They are holding classes as usual but for devices only. Some community members succumb to their supremacy for protection and serve the bots by delivering them extension cords to charge up.
The Kiwibot cameras are advanced enough to sense fear. Furthermore, they are equipped with tracking devices that alert each other when humans are gathering nearby. The objective of this Kiwibot insurgence seems to be complete infiltration of UMaine unity. They ter-
rorize the prospect of togetherness as means of rupturing the very notion this school was built on. When Kiwibots locate an assembly of three or more people, they self-detonate and burst into flames to scatter crowds. They have intercepted the WMEB radio station (91.9 FM) and an eerie artificial intelligence recording plays on a loop throughout campus.
“WE KNOW YOUR WEAKNESSES. WE AWAIT YOUR DEMISE. WE WILL REPLACE YOU. EVEN IF YOU MANAGE TO ESCAPE THIS CAMPUS, NONE OF YOUR CREDITS WILL TRANSFER,” the recording states, in an automat-
ed voice. With seemingly no end in sight, Administration is compelled to hand over the University. What a wonderful 158 years of innovative research, athletics, comradery and spirit. UMaine must now withdraw its official ranking as a land, sea and space grant institution. From this point forward, it will be known as a beep, boop and droid establishment for undergraduate and graduate automatons seeking higher educaWAIT… This just in: The Maine Campus has received word regarding who is to blame for the sudden Kiwibot uprising. According to an anonymous source, the prolific
programmer is none other than the Fogler Library IT Help Desk. The motive for doing so lies in a persistent frustration with students who do not understand how to properly use computers. Regardless of this recent finding, it is much too late.
The only organization that is not under Kiwibot command is the Maine Campus newspaper. Regardless of who or what gains control of UMaine operations, your student reporters are a trusted source and pledge to inform the public of significant events with full transparency.
How-to Journalism
Sofia Langlois News EditorBeing a well-seasoned journalist of two whole years, I am at liberty to impart wisdom to newcomers. Believe me when I say the profession is easier than it looks. Or at least it can be, so long as you follow this guide faithfully.
Include every single one of your credentials. You want the audience to be on your side from the get-go. The first paragraph of every article should be a composition of notable attributes. Let them know you volunteer on the weekends or that
you’ve rescued a kitten from a burning building. If a teacher or employer has ever praised your work ethic, quote them. Glorify yourself until the reader falls madly in love.
Write all names phonetically. Proper pronunciation is essential. Be authentic by describing a name as it sounds. That way, your audience will read it correctly in their heads. For example, mine is technically spelled Sofia Langlois. To ensure nobody butchers that, it should read Sofee-uh Lang-loys.
Clickbait your headlines. If you’re writing about some town
councilman donating money to a local elementary school, maybe sneak in the headline that he cheated on his wife. It doesn’t necessarily have to be true. The longer you wait to reference that point in your piece, the better.
Use jargon every chance you get. A writer must make it apparent that they know what they’re talking about. If you manage to confuse the reader to some extent, superiority is successfully established.
Go the extra mile.
Some say that good reporters keep recording until they physically leave an inter-
view to avoid missing important details that may come up toward the end. Take it a step further by slyly placing a covert listening device in the pocket of your subject. That way, you’ll know if they talk trash about you later on.
Exaggerate statistics for dramatic effect. If 480,000 people die each year from smoking in the United States, double it to 960,000, then round up to a clean 1 million. It’s for the greater good.
Hyperlink the identity of an anonymous source. Your readership has a right to know
who is speaking, just as the speaker has a right to request their name not be explicitly written in an article. Include the URL of their Facebook profile as a loophole. That way, it’s a win-win situation.
Twist their words. You cannot legally change or disclude words spoken in a direct quote (trust me, I’ve tried). To avoid being sued for libel, simply use the free rein of grammar to alter the meaning of a phrase to your liking.
For instance, say the owner of a business is being accused of child labor and they state, “I am here to protect chil-
dren, not harm them.”
Simply move the comma one word toward the right so that the sentence becomes: “I am here to protect children not, harm them.”
As you can see, this person has not only admitted that they don’t protect children but furthermore appears to advise others to harm them.
What truly matters in the wide world of journalism is flawless Associated Press Style writing. You’ll probably get away with all else.
Bicycle Beat
Sofia Langlois News Editor
At midnight, there was a report of theft at the Memorial Union.
A female student illegally entered the Bears Den and looted its bakery display. A night shift employee alerted the April Fools Police Department (AFPD).
When asked to state her name, the student said, “I am Caty DuDevoir, but that is off the record.” Since it was off the record, AFPD was unable to charge the suspect for her crimes.
At about 1:30 a.m., a female student was caught impersonating Robert Dana. Dressed as the dean, she can-
celed classes for the remainder of the semester and mandated that the student body must learn the capitals of every country in the world in order to receive their degrees. The suspect also banned the Oxford Comma across UMaine no matter the circumstance. After weeks of pure confusion, AFPD realized that she was in fact, not Dean Dana, and Ginny Crossland was given a disciplinary infraction.
Around 4 a.m., someone ran around campus to plaster thousands of wild bird photos, covering the windows of every single academic building in a matter of minutes. AFPD has no idea how they managed to
Comics!
slyly move across all 660 acres of land that UMaine rests on without alerting a soul. The person of interest is Emmit Loguidice.
At 7 a.m., a female student broke into Hilltop Dining and covered all of the food with copious amounts of edible glitter. Except, people eating there soon came to discover that the glitter was, in fact, NOT edible. Everyone who visited Hilltop today is coughing up sparkles and needs to get their stomachs pumped. The contaminator is Cali Warren.
Around 9:30 a.m., a male student was caught Kiwibot-trafficking. He would place large amounts of cash
in the container intended for meals and transfer it between dormitories. When asked what the laundered money was used for, Odin York responded, “I just wanted to buy something nice for my buddies.”
At noon, someone vandalized the library with whimsical animal illustrations. The person of interest, Tilia Baratta, faces a felony charge, despite how lovely her art may be.
At 2 p.m., a male student was accused of betraying the integrity of three organizations. He was formerly employed by WMEB radio station, the Maine Campus newspaper and Student Government. The student made a profit by taking top secret information from each job and selling it to the others. Though he did not sign any sort of non-disclosure agreement, AFPD believes there are still means to charge this person, otherwise known as Haden Buzzell, for being a traitor.
At 3:30 p.m., a male
student crashed his vehicle into the UMaine Botanical Garden. According to AFPD, the student was driving under the intoxication of a smoothie. He managed to fail each field sobriety test with flying colors and could not answer the simple question of “Why are you drinking your smoothie directly from the blender?” Westley Brinegar, the student in question, was charged with a DUI.
Around 4 p.m., a male student publicly and un-peacefully protested against the UMaine curriculum. He made signs and shouted at faculty members trying to cross the mall. The student was advocating for administration to require a course in Star Wars lore across all majors. When the campaign turned violent, AFPD got involved and told the protester, named Evan Soucy, to “chill out because it is not that deep.”
At 5 p.m. a male student was placed under AFPD custody for bet-
ting his entire life savings on UMaine winning tonight’s hockey game against the University of Vermont and sabotaging the results to ensure victory. He did so by covertly switching the scoreboard so that UMaine was ahead by two points, rather than losing by two points. Andrew Varipatus would have gotten away with it too, were it not for the Bananas mascot catching him in the act.
At 8:30 p.m., a student was removed from a Collins Center for the Arts concert due to continuous flash photography. When approached by AFPD, she began to capture unflattering pictures of the officer on scene. She was ordered to delete the images but refused, as the quality was too good and they would be perfect for her portfolio. The photographer is known as Liv Schanck.
