ClassAds@DavisEnterprise.net
THE DAVIS ENTERPRISE
Time for love, not excuses Dear Annie: I am 24 years old, and my boyfriend is 64. We have been in a relationship for five years. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a person: He’s smart, funny, intelligent, caring and handsome. When we first started dating, I assumed that he was divorced, and I never bothered to ask otherwise. But after we’d been dating for some time, he took me to a lake house one weekend and said that we were there so that he could finalize his divorce. Well, for one reason or another the divorce never actually happened. He and his wife have two grown children. I’m really not sure how to go forward with our relationship. I confronted him about not being divorced, and his excuse was he didn’t have enough time to go through all the steps of the divorce proceedings. I feel so hurt. It’s so painful to be in love with someone whom I may or may not have to myself. When we first started dating, he would talk about how he wanted to marry me. But now things have changed. It’s been a shock to me. I didn’t even want marriage at first, because I was unsure if that’s what I wanted with him. But now to know that it’s probably never going to happen for us — I just can’t shake my feelings at all for him. We live together but sleep in separate rooms to avoid engaging in physical intimacy before marriage, yet I’m starting to think that day might never come. It breaks my heart deeply. I’m still happy with him at times, but there are other times where I’m just heartbroken. — Desperate for Advice Dear Desperate: If he hasn’t left her after five years, he’s probably never going to leave her — and that’s just as well, for your sake. Why would you want to marry a man who clearly has such little respect for marriage? I know that he must seem like the whole world to you right now, because you started dating him when you were just 19. But I promise you he’s not. Break it off and find someone who gives you love, not excuses. ——— Dear Annie: I hate all the holidays. Am I weird? I don’t want to decorate or buy special things or exchange gifts or make cookies. — Holiday Anxiety Dear Holiday Anxiety: You’re far from weird. In fact, a 2018 survey found that the holiday season stresses out 88% of Americans. Many dread the financial strain and family drama. Perhaps you’ll find the holidays less stressful once you let go of all expectations — of you and of others. This year, with the holidays muted out of necessity, I hope that we see how unnecessary all of the spending and stressing is. The season can and should be a time for family, grateful reflection, service and rest. I hope that by this time next year, we’ll all be seeing our loved ones in person again and realize what a gift it is just to have one another. ——— Dear Annie: I have a suggestion for friends and family members who would like to help caregivers. Don’t just say, “If you need me, please call me.” The caregiver is probably not going to do that. Instead say, “I would like to come over and relieve you for a few hours tomorrow or the next day so you can have a few hours away.” This would be such a blessing to a caregiver. I’d appreciate your sharing this. — Caring
ANNOUNCEMENT
GRAND OPENING ZMC Cabinets Outlet Huge Cabinet Sale! Located at 3232 Reed Ave. West Sacramento, CA www.ZMCCabinetry.com ZMCCabinetsOutlet@gmail.com 279.444.0349 916.385.9513
Dear Caring: This is truly the best way to help caregivers. Many are either too busy or too selfless to ask for specific help but would be glad to have it. Thanks for the reminder.
Fidelity to Facebook over matrimony Dear Annie: We are on our second marriage and in our 60s. I believe he loves me, but Facebook is coming between us. I do not think he would go out and cheat on me, but he loves friends/women on his computer. I have not found anything real bad yet on Facebook, but he spends nearly all day and night on it. That’s his life. He used to ask pretty, single younger women to be friends. I had a fit and told him it had better stop, and it has. But that hasn’t stopped his obsession with staying on Facebook. Am I overreacting for getting upset when he finds an attractive woman and “likes” nearly everything on her page, including when she’s posting photos of herself? I have seen him chatting with women, but he’s not saying anything sexual. However, there have been regular conversations with only a few that he has known, and they were single. I tell him that it could open doors, and women are more emotional and can read into the conversation as flirting. He assures me that’s not the case. But all his time is spent on his phone, and we are still newlyweds! I have been having serious thoughts about leaving him. I have made him realize how this makes me feel. One other thought is this: Maybe he is erasing evidence? He used to consistently talk about it until I put a stop to it. He is aware of how I feel. I have even let him know I’m thinking about leaving, which he says he doesn’t want. He says I am just a jealous person. — Marriage Falling Dear Marriage Falling: It’s not just Facebook that is coming between the two of you. It is his lack of respect for you. He should not be chatting with other women on Facebook and distracted. You can’t have a relationship with someone when you’re only seeing the top of his head because he never has his eyes off the computer or phone. Part of intimacy is connecting face to face with eye contact, and if his eyes are glued to a screen with other women on them, you have every right to be upset. He could be addicted to the screen, but, like all addictions, he has to want to take steps necessary to reform — both for his mental health and for your marriage. And to gain the strength to break this addiction, he’ll need to be able to share honestly with a wife who is willing to listen. I strongly advise that you seek marriage counseling soon if you want to stay in this marriage. ——— Dear Annie: My heart goes out to “Heartbroken.” For years I found myself making the same relationship mistakes, and the pattern was always the same. I am 58, and, as I have gotten older, I started reading many books that
helped me to understand narcissistic behavior. To me, “Steve” sounds like a typical narcissist. The book that saved my sanity was “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie. I am also in counseling and have learned to love me first. It has been a hard journey, but I am so worth it. I want “Heartbroken” to know that she can do so much better than this guy, and she is lovable and will find that love in herself. — I Feel Her Pain Dear I Feel Her Pain: Thank you for your letter and for speaking from your heart. I am printing it so that others will know that they are not alone if they are in an abusive relationship, and that they can get out.
Trying to save from scam Dear Annie: I have a twin sister who I am very close to. In the past year, she has had her share of health problems. She was diagnosed with CNS Vasculitis, an inflammation in the brain vessels that has many side effects, including impaired decision-making. It started in January, and she was told no driving and no work. Between my husband and me, we drove her to her appointments, picked up medications, and did shopping and anything that she needed. I was her caretaker for about five or six months. I was also her cheerleader when she got better. She finally was able to go back to work. Then, shortly after that, she passed out one day and broke her leg. Again, we drove her around. I would do anything to help her out. I love my sister. Eventually, she was back driving. She is doing great now. My problem with her is this: She started online dating, and she is telling everyone she is going to move in and marry this man who she was only talking with for about a month. She says he is wonderful to her. We are not as close as we used to be. It is probably my fault. My sister has not had someone in her life for 10 years. To have someone tell you everything she wants to hear must sound GREAT to her. I don’t trust this relationship! She has not talked to him on the phone, not even with FaceTime or Skype. They just text. I think she even sent him some money. I think this is one of those scammers out of the country scamming, looking only to get money out of her. What can we do, if anything? — Helping My Twin Dear Helping: If it walks like a duck and sounds like a duck, well, it’s probably a duck. How do you have a relationship with someone by just texting? He very well could be a robot. She deserves to have love, but this sounds like very far from it. It’s time to sit your sister down to gently and lovingly tell her your concerns about this guy. Ask your husband if he has any friends with whom you could set your sister up. Also, tell her doctors about this. Maybe they can help her or give you suggestions. ——— Dear Annie: Please tell Window Watching, who was upset that a passerby could see her through her Venetian blinds at her upstairs window, that she can increase her privacy by adjusting the direction the vanes on her blinds open and close. If they tilt down, they will block the view from below, and vice versa. I learned this lesson many years ago because I have neighbors who live both higher and lower than me, so depending on the window’s location, some blinds are tilted up, and some are tilted down. Hope this helps. — Tilting Blinds Dear Tilting: As long as you’re
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2020 B7
not snooping on your neighbors, sounds great.
Connecting with the grandkids Dear Annie: It sounds like Shut-Out Grandma’s daughterin-law has borderline personality disorder. One of your readers’ advice to read “Stop Walking on Eggshells” by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger was great. It was very helpful for me. — Another Grandma Dear Another Grandma: Thank you for writing. As you will see in the next letter, yet another grandma has some wonderful suggestions. Dear Annie: Here is a suggestion for the shut-out grandma. She can mail thoughtful gifts to her granddaughter periodically. I send a small present every two to three months to my granddaughter who is the same age. I just mailed a little pair of binoculars, a booklet about the different kinds of birds in her area, a birdcall gadget and a small wire cage with a bird seed duet cake. Quality sketching, drawing and painting supplies from an art store; sewing materials; or fabric craft supplies — these all can be helpful gifts. The point is to give some thoughtful consideration to the gifts, not just pick up a toy in giant department store. That bypasses the negative situation entirely and turns it into a positive thing. Her granddaughter might forget what her grandma says, but she will never forget what she does, especially the special care packages. I’m a happier grandma now, and my granddaughter loves me. — Happier Grandma Dear Happier Grandma: These are fantastic ideas for getting around an otherwise-sticky situation. Thanks for writing. ——— Dear Annie: During the COVID-19 pandemic, it has proven very difficult for my daughter, who is a freshman in college, to meet new friends. All of her classes are online; she lives at home; and most of her friends went out of state to college. Our county has some of the strictest quarantine rules in the country, which limits her options. I’m worried about her mental health. This time in a young person’s life is very difficult in the best of circumstances. Do you have any ideas for young people to connect with others during this unprecedented time? — Concerned Mom Dear Concerned Mom: This is such a difficult time for all of us. I am sorry that your daughter had to start one of the most exciting times of her life virtually. This is a time to think outside the box and be flexible with different and new ways to communicate with friends. She could schedule a call, Zoom, FaceTime or Houseparty with friends, especially those out of state. Encourage her to go for an outdoor walk with friends who live in your county and are dealing with the same strict quarantine rules. I know it is not the same. Try and remember that this is a moment in time that will pass soon.
Communication is needed ASAP Dear Annie: My boyfriend is 48, and I am 39, and we have been together since May 2015. We haven’t made too many public appearances since being together. I have two children, a 12-year-old boy and a 15-year-old girl. They love him dearly. He has one child, a 14-year-old girl, who barely communicates with my children
Classifieds: classads@ davisenterprise.net 530-747-8062 Legals: legals@ davisenterprise.net 530-747-8061
and me. When we met, he was six months out of a two-year relationship, and I was eight months out of a 12-year marriage. We met on a dating site. Neither of us was looking for a relationship at the time. My children met him in June 2015, and I met his daughter the next month. My kids and I are adventurous and like the outdoors. He and his daughter, not so much. He works in engineering, and I’m a nurse. We are similar and opposite at the same time. I love action, comedy and dramas, and he likes zombie movies and action. His daughter’s mom and I have had an altercation. The cause of the disagreement was that she wanted to ruin our relationship, and he did nothing about it. I then had to step in after being frustrated. We bumped heads quite a bit, due to his daughter’s mom. She ended up living across the street from us after we moved in together. My concern is that we are not talking about marriage or even an engagement. More than a year after buying a home and we’re still playing house, without moving forward. I have brought this to his attention because I want to know what’s next. Each time I bring it up, I feel as if he blows me off and does not want to talk about it. He always says, “When I marry someone, I want to make sure they’re the one.” I have mentioned marriage at least five times, and now I’m ready to give up on this relationship. He always wants me to tell people that we have three children, but he’s not changing the status legally. I don’t think that I should wait on him to make up his mind to decide our future, as it’s been over five years. I think it has a lot to do with his money; maybe he thinks I’m after it or something. That isn’t the case. The proof is that I would have stayed with my ex-husband. I feel as if I’m wasting my time and living a lie. The lie is that he’ll probably never marry me and eventually I’ll move on. I have asked him to see a therapist with me over and over, but it hasn’t happened yet. I was going to pick a therapist, but he said that he would, but again, nothing. — Tired of Waiting Dear Tired: Divorce can be traumatic. It sounds like your boyfriend might need time before he is ready to tie the knot. His comment about marrying “the one” is hurtful. You might be correct that it’s time to move on. However, before making a decision, you need to tell him all that you’re feeling. People are not mind readers, and so much of a healthy relationship is communication. Rather than waiting for him to decide what he wants, decide what you want and then tell him exactly what that is. Therapy is doubly important because the lives of three children are at stake. His ex-wife living across the street is something that a professional should be able to help you and your boyfriend sort out. “Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book on order from https://avidreaderbooks.com/. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators. com.
RENTALS & REAL ESTATE
davisenterprise.com 530-756-0800 315 G Street
RENTALS & REAL ESTATE Living, working, office space. Downtown Davis. Prime location next to the train station. 530-400-7911
PETS Have you lost a pet? Do you want to help shelter animals get back home? Please join the Yolo County Lost and Found Pets Group on Facebook at facebook.com/ groups/yolopets
PUBLIC NOTICES Legals Submission email legals@ davisenterprise.net. View legals at www.capublic notice.com
Your Puzzle Solutions Sudoku 1
t
(upside down)
Sudoku 2
t