THE DAVIS ENTERPRISE
(Step)father of the bride Dear Annie: My fiance and I are well underway in planning our wedding with less than two months to go. During our planning process, my mom got engaged to a wonderful man. They had been living together for several years, and I never lived with them, nor have I spent more than holidays and a few social gatherings at their home. I have known of this man from my past and know he treats my mom incredibly well. I am absolutely delighted for her. However, I don’t have much of a relationship with him. In the wedding plans, I informed my mom I would like her to walk me down the aisle as well as my current boss. This boss has been a father figure to me for nine years. He has helped me financially and emotionally, and we spend time working together nearly every day. He even refers to me as his daughter to everyone, and I call him my dad. When I told my mom my wedding plans, she became upset about how it would bother her fiance. She claims he cares for me more than I know. A week ago, she gifted me the remaining money I
Legals@DavisEnterprise.net needed for my wedding, about a third of the total cost. The card was signed by her and her fiance’s name in her writing. She has been trying to volunteer her fiance for anything possible for the wedding, such as readings, being an usher or even giving a speech. While I am not opposed to him having a role — and I have told her this — I feel like she is trying to force a relationship on me with her fiance. I haven’t even had time to speak to him because we both work seven days a week right now, and he works nights while I work days. I politely asked my mom to back off a bit and said that he and I will have to build a relationship on our own, but she keeps having ideas on how to involve him. None of these ideas came up before I told her about my boss walking me down the aisle. I feel guilty about something that originally made me happy and felt perfect. Now I feel like I’m going to cause a rift in my mom’s life. What’s a bride to do? — Knot My Mother’s Wedding Dear Knot My: Let your mom know that as much as you appreciate her good intentions, ultimately, all wedding decisions will be up to you and your groom. Your wedding day should be focused entirely on you and your soon-to-be-husband, celebrating the love you have for one another and merging your two families into one. Don’t assign your mom’s fiance a wedding role that he hasn’t truly fulfilled in real life if it
doesn’t feel right. It’s your day, and just by going, he will be part of it and these memories forever. You have a lifetime to build a strong, loving relationship with your mom’s fiance, but for it to be meaningful, it can’t be forced. When you talk to your mom, make sure to address the elephant in the room: the check. If it was given with strings attached and expectations in mind, let her and her fiance know you cannot accept it.
Bonding with my husband’s ex-wife Dear Annie: I see so many columns where parents don’t get the result they want from their children. I lucked out with the help of my clever pediatrician, whose advice was to give kids more control over their lives while teaching responsibility. When my son was about 7, he did NOT want to go to bed or get up in the morning. So, we went and picked out his own alarm clock. I wanted him to go to bed at 8 p.m., so first I asked him if he thought he should go to bed at 7 or 7:30. “Oh, 8:00,” he said. “OK.” So then I asked, “What time do you think you should take your shower?” Needless to say, the next night at his chosen time, he stood up and said like a big man, “Well, I gotta go take my shower and then go to bed.” The next morning, he got up when his alarm clock rang! Peace!
— Happy Mommy Dear Happy Mommy: Thank you for sharing the wonderful advice of your very wise pediatrician. I have no doubt you will help countless parents out there with this simple yet effective way of parenting. ——— Dear Annie: In this “COVID age,” why is it still acceptable to blow one’s nose in public? Every time I take my family to a restaurant, it seems that someone pulls out a nasty handkerchief and blasts away. Is there a better way to spread germs than this? Why can’t there be a policy to encourage people to go to the restroom to blow their nose? It’s not only disgusting for people in the middle of a meal, but it is also totally unsanitary. — Disgusted in Ohio Dear Disgusted: I’m disgusted just reading your letter. You are correct that people should blow their noses in the bathroom or in private — NOT in a public restaurant. ——— Dear Annie: Forty-two years ago, my then-boyfriend and I decided to move in together in the house he was building. We were married three years later. He was a single father of two boys, and I had one daughter from my previous marriage. My boyfriend’s former wife had visitation rights with their boys, and she saw them often. Since I never had any reason to dislike or mistrust her, I
decided she and I should try to be friends so the kids wouldn’t have added stress in their lives. She agreed. We are so thankful for our friendship! One of the sons was diagnosed with a rare liver cancer at age 23. His mom and I worked together to take care of his needs. Sadly, he passed, and we all provided support for one another. A year after that, my daughter and her family lost their home in a fire. We also had my elderly mother-in-law living with us. So, my daughter and her family moved in with us at the same time. With Thanksgiving approaching, things were not looking very festive. My stepson’s mother invited our entire family to her house for Thanksgiving. What a gesture of love and friendship! We have remained very close friends since then and see each other often. We are all very thankful for the peace our friendship has brought to the family. — Thankful in New England Dear Thankful in New England: Thank you so much for your heartwarming letter. Your decision to bond with your husband’s ex-wife is admirable, and it has paid enormous dividends for everyone in the family. Kudos to both of you. ——— Dear Annie: This is in response to the 52-year-old “Overwhelmed and Unsure” who is the caregiver for her brother. I would recom-
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mend that she help her brother apply for Section 8 federally subsidized housing. He can have his own apartment, and his rent will be based on his income. He can get public assistance (food stamps). My brotherin-law is pretty much in the same position (on Social Security Disability Insurance, recovering alcoholic, can’t hold down a job) and he lives independently in a very nice Section 8 apartment in NYC and receives Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program benefits. We are his payee for his Social Security Disability Insurance and ensure his rent and utility bills are paid on time. Someone from the County Department of Social Services should be able to assist her with applying for these benefits. — Similar Situation Dear Similar Situation: Thank you for this informed response. I hope other readers will find it useful when trying to find the right care for loved ones. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@ creators.com.