THE DAVIS ENTERPRISE
Was it a mistake to call the cops on my son? Dear Annie: I am a 45-year-old single man. I have three children: two sons from my marriage, both in their 20s, and my daughter, who is 14, from an ex-girlfriend. When my oldest son was thrown out of his mother’s home, I had him move in right away. He got a good job, and I added him to my insurance and charged him $100 a week for rent. That was really to help out with the insurance and to teach him responsibility. Well, after a few years, there was a nightmare one night. My son’s friends were over, and unfortunately, he had too much to drink and smoke. He blacked out and started attacking his friend’s younger brother. He started attacking me as well. After an hour of trying to calm things down, I had to call the police to have him removed for the safety of everyone in the house. Well, my son remembers that he spent the night in jail. When he got out, he came to my place and grabbed his belongings, and his mother picked him up. This was a year ago, and since that time, neither he nor my other son will visit or even talk to me. The worst part is that they are ignoring their sister, who lives only two miles away from them. This really hurts me, and I have reached out, trying to mend fences and come to an understanding. Neither of them will respond. When my daughter texts them, they mostly ignore her, or when they do answer, they give her a hard time. She is as ashamed of them as I am. I have even touched base and told them via text that they only have one sister and they need to be there for her, as they are her older brothers. Be mad at me, but please, be there for her. What else can I do? My daughter visits on a regular basis, and I love our time together. I want the boys to join us, but they won’t answer any invitations. They haven’t even met the dog I adopted. Do you have any advice? I don’t want to give up, as they are my children. — Lost Dad in Massachusetts Dear Lost Dad: Your sons are not taking any responsibility for their actions. Instead of thanking you for calling the police, and hopefully helping them clean up their act, they are blaming you for the night spent in jail. It was your son who committed the assault, not you. The anger they feel might be old anger they felt
Legals@DavisEnterprise.net toward you for the divorce or other things when they were young. But now that they are adults, they must take responsibility for their actions. They are acting very entitled. As for your daughter, just continue to love and appreciate her. Hopefully, your son will get into treatment for his drinking, and once he is sober, he will realize that what you did was for his own good. Continue to tell both sons how much you love them, even if they push you away.
Brother is deserting the family Dear Annie: My slightly older brother and his spouse (in their mid-30s) are moving to Texas from California with their three toddleraged children for no other reason than politics — politics to which no one else in the family subscribes. I am unmarried and childless and have loved being “Auntie” from the moment these kids debuted. Actually, I moved back across the country after graduate school because I wanted to be a regular in their lives and not a “twice a year” relative. My parents are retiring within the year and were looking forward to being highly involved grandparents. My parents, my brother and I all live within 20 minutes of one another, and this move will bring our family life as we know it to an end. FaceTime is not a substitute for weekly hugs. Neither I nor my folks will be moving to join them as they hoped we would. It wasn’t up for discussion. The news was sprung on us suddenly and is in its final stage, and we never had the chance to say how having them live so close by has been an irreplaceable blessing. When they announced it, all I could muster to say was that I had no idea they were so unhappy here. I think I was too diplomatic in our initial conversation and responded by admitting that they needed to do what they believed was best for their family. Our dilemma now is that if we tell them how much their close proximity means to us, they might stay and forever blame us for their unhappiness. Or, if we express our hurt, they may use this as a reason to not only leave but cut us out for good. How do we let them go and move forward with our
lives while also communicating that their decision is truly devastating for those they are choosing to leave? If they stayed, we would have an established family of four living, loving generations in one place. I do not believe moving to Texas, where they know no one, will make them happy. I am willing to admit that I might be wrong. — California Brood Dear California Brood: Tell your brother how you feel — not as an ultimatum, but in the spirit of honesty and vulnerability. Don’t tell him what he should do; just tell him how you feel, and leave the decision up to him. Be sure to let him know that you will support whatever he decides. It sounds like your family comes first, and that is a beautiful and commendable thing. But not everyone has the same priorities. Perhaps your brother needs to spread his wings and leave the comfort of his hometown. Or perhaps his priority is his own family rather than the preferences of you and your parents. Part of being a family is supporting one another’s goals, even if we don’t necessarily agree with them. Besides, 1,500 miles has nothing on a strong family bond.
38-year-old child Dear Annie: I am 38 years old with three kids ages 18, 15 and 13. I just recently moved back home with my mom because I was in an abusive relationship. Well, my mom is treating me like a 15-yearold. I cannot come and go as I please, and I do not even go anywhere except to run basic errands. I do all the cooking, most of the cleaning and whatever else she asks me to do. I do not complain about anything; I just do it. Last weekend, I wanted to go out with a friend for dinner. Well, you would have thought I slapped my mom in the face. She got so mad, stomping around, slamming doors and cabinets. And she is so mean and rude to all my friends. It’s just pure silliness. What can I do to make her realize that I’m not a 15-year-old? — Full-Grown Adult Dear Full-Grown Adult: First of all, congratulations on getting you and your children out of an abusive environment. That was a brave and absolutely cru-
cial decision. Your mother was kind enough to let you — and, presumably, your kids — stay with her while you get back on your feet. But since it is her house, you’re going to have to play by her rules. If you want to be treated as the adult that you are, you’ve got to act like one — and that includes paying your own rent. You’ve already made progress for your family by bringing them to a safe environment. Keep looking forward, and find a place of your own to call home. ——— Dear Annie: I’m writing in response to the father who has been in “Toothy Turmoil” with his wife’s concern for their children’s ability to brush their teeth on their own. As an orthodontist, I see children with various levels of tooth-brushing abilities every day. For those still struggling, we offer “disclosing tablets.” These are little tablets which, when chewed and swished around the mouth, stain the bacteria (plaque) in the mouth a pinkish color. The child can plainly see this and is instructed to brush until the stains are gone. This allows the patient to learn where they need better care, and in the case of “Toothy Turmoil,” would allow Mom the confidence to let her children brush on their own while still giving her the ability to monitor their thoroughness without hovering. — See It and Believe It Dear See: You’ve posed a fun, interactive solution for kids and parents alike — a win-win all around. Here’s to healthy habits and happy brushing.
Destructive drinking drives a wedge Dear Annie: I am a 64-year-old man with a 54-year-old wife. We’ve been married for 21 years now. About eight years ago, we moved to Butte, Montana, so my wife could take a supervisor position for her work. It was a better job for her, and I reluctantly agreed to move, though it pretty much shut me down in my work and outside life where we were. We both have drunk over the years, but as I got older and developed medical issues, I pretty much stopped, both at home or out and about around town. My wife has gone the other way and uses drinking as a way to cope with work and life in general. Her drinking has become a daily thing, and now most of it is hidden and done in private. Sure, she opens a
FILED IN YOLO COUNTY CLERK'S OFFICE Jesse Salinas, Yolo County Clerk/Recorder F20220249 03/24/2022 Business is located in YOLO County Fictitious Business Name: High Water Brewing Company Physical Address: 2001 2nd Street Davis, CA 95618 Mailing Address: Names of Registrant(s)/Owner(s): 1) California Brewing Company LLC 2001 2nd St. Davis, CA 95618 Business Classification: Limited Liability Company Starting Date of Business: 03/23/2022 s/ Trenton Yackzan Official Title: CEO Corporation Name: California Brewing Company LLC I hereby certify that this is a true copy of the original document on file in this office. This certification is true as long as there are no alterations to the document, AND as long as the document is sealed with a red seal. Jesse Salinas, County Clerk/Recorder, State of California, County of Yolo Published March 27, April 3, 10, 17, 2022 #1739
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bottle of wine at home in front of me, but she drinks the whole bottle or more. I don’t say a thing anymore because it’s just caused arguments and problems, so I’ve stopped. The majority of the drinking is done with liquor or wine hidden in her tote bag, her clothes bin, or stashed in her vehicle. I’ve found wine cartons, empty liquor bottles and beer cans in various places around the house. She drinks on her way home from work and walks in the house already lit up, which creates different moods and personalities. She keeps her tote bag in her dressing room and, throughout the evening, drinks whatever she has hidden. She even drinks at work, going out at lunch, getting something and drinking through the afternoon, coming home already drunk. She pretends everything is normal, but I know better. Through advice from Alcoholics Anonymous counseling, I’ve been documenting and photographing each day’s drinking. Doing that has helped me cope with her daily drunkenness, but it’s just getting old now. Although I’ve told my wife several times that I know what she’s doing, she keeps it up — hiding her drinking and getting drunk nearly every day. She usually passes out on the couch early and then goes to bed, but other times, she messes around in the kitchen, leaves things in disarray and puts things anywhere. I never know what I’ll find. It’s almost like taking care of a little kid. It’s aggravating dealing with this kind of person all because they’re drunk. Our relationship has drifted apart because I become judgmental or don’t want to listen to her when I know she’s drunk. I just saw a half-empty bottle of vodka in her bag; she just walked in the door, complaining about the people who work for her or some other issue she has today — this mood, this drunk.
I’ve talked to her about this. I’ve asked her to stop — or just stop the hard liquor — and the hiding many times, but she keeps on. I’ve written letters to her stating my concern for her health and our relationship, and she says, “Yes, I have a problem, and I’ll stop,” but she never does. She finds ways to blame me, and uses me in some way as an excuse or reason for it, but they all prove foolish. I just don’t know what to do. I obviously love and support her, but the years are going by, and my life and health are starting to suffer. Our life together is suffering, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve gotten advice from ALANON counseling, and it doesn’t look good. What can you say and advise me on? Please help me with my situation. — Alcohol Creating Distance Dear Alcohol: Your wife’s drinking is out of control. Hiding her booze and keeping secrets from you takes the situation to a new level. It is a miracle she has not killed someone driving drunk. Consider speaking with her in the presence of a counselor, where you can express your feelings in a safe, sober space outside the home. Another option is to stage a small intervention with only close friends and family in attendance. You’re likely not the only one who misses the woman your wife used to be and wants to see her get the help she needs. Perhaps reinforcements will speak to the gravity of the situation and remind her how many people she has in her corner who only want her to get better. “Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback. Visit avidreaderbooks.com and search for “Annie Lane”. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.