B6 THE DAVIS ENTERPRISE
Age gap is inappropriate Dear Annie: My husband is 59 years old and thinks it is OK to ogle young girls less than 18 years of age — more like 15 to 16. He does this with me present and says it is natural behavior and that all men do it. I say it is disrespectful to me and resembles pedophile behavior. I am 64 years old, and he had an affair with a 29-year-old female about a year ago. What is your opinion? — Feeling the Sting of Growing Old Dear Feeling Old: I’m not sure why your husband’s actions are making you feel old instead of disgusted. You should dump him. His pedophile behavior — and, yes, that is what it is — has nothing to do with your age and everything to do with his Lolita complex. He needs to seek treatment immediately. A 59-year-old man staring at 15-year-old girls and having an affair with a girl in her 20s? You can do better. ——— Dear Annie: I was married for 10 years to the father of my 40-year-old daughter. We divorced when she was 7; he left me to continue a relationship I didn’t know he was having. That lasted six months. He has since been married twice more and had many other relationships between and during those marriages. The thing is, I had no idea he was not monogamous until he left. I have always been wellemployed and capable of supporting myself and our daughter without a second income. Before he left me, he took a distant job that uprooted me, with my compliance, because we were
Legals@DavisEnterprise.net married and, I thought, happy. We moved again, and I went along. Less than a month after he left me, several longtime friends told me they knew of his affairs before our daughter was born. My point: People in a relationship, or who think they’re in a relationship, with a player deserve to know about it as soon as their friends do. I would never have temporarily shortcircuited my career, left my home city, or packed and unpacked households endlessly had I known about his predilections. Thank goodness he left when he did! It’s been 33 years. My daughter and I are close; I have a great life and career. But I’m weighing in because of the queasiness I read here on this subject; just like you’d tell a friend that she has spinach in her teeth or toilet paper on her shoe, for heaven’s sake, give her a heads up if you’re certain that her spouse repeatedly acts single when she’s not around. To answer an unspoken question, I never felt angry at my friends. Enough time was already wasted. — The Truth Set Me Free Dear Truth: It sounds like you made great steps toward creating a wonderful life without your husband. Thank you for your letter.
Needing space from her brother
Dear Annie: I need help, but I’m so lost on what to do. Please help with some advice. I’m 52 years old and so broken. My mom passed away on Sept. 14, 2019, at home. I’ve had to live with my brother “Ed” ever since. Or, should I say, he has had to live with me. I love him, but he can be such a challenge. Life is all about him. He sees a counselor weekly; he is a recovering alcoholic and drug abuser; he is bipolar and high — I mean high — anxiety and needs complete hip surgery. I am his caregiver, and I’m really not happy. Everything I do seems to be for him. He is going back to drinking after 170 days of sobriety and smoking again after three weeks of quitting. It never ends. He stands and mumbles where I can hear him carry on, usually about me. Ed is very self-centered and spiteful, but he is my brother. I don’t want to just abandon him, but I need a life. I don’t know where to turn. He only gets $794 per month Social Security, not enough to maintain his own place. I’ve been single since my youngest was 4 years old. She is 26 now. I would like to find my special someone to spend my life with. What should I do? — Overwhelmed and Unsure Dear Overwhelmed: I’m so sorry for the loss of your mother. I’m sure you still miss her every day. You have given every-
thing to your brother, and it’s time that he takes some responsibility for himself. Even though he’s carrying a large load, there is no reason he can’t accept some part-time work to supplement his Social Security and get a place of his own. It’s great that he is in therapy, but he should also look into Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous for additional support in his battle with addiction. As for your own wellbeing, reach out to your local Al-Anon chapter to meet others going through similar situations with their loved ones. Remember that creating distance between you and your brother is not an abandonment; it’s a boundary. You can only give someone else a tow if your own tank is full. If you’re running on empty... well, then you’ll both get stuck in the mud. Take a deep breath and write down a list of things you’re grateful for. Often, when our lives feel like they’re spiraling out of control, we become so overwhelmed that we feel helpless. This exercise will help put things in perspective. ——— Dear Annie: I am afraid you missed the boat on your answer to Worried in Wyoming. I am a lawyer, and I can assure you that the risk of her husband keeping virtually all of the assets in a noncommunity property state is real. If she is concerned about the other woman, I suspect she at least has some reason for concern. Something that isn’t a threat while it’s at a safe distance can become serious quickly if that distance is removed. After all, there’s only so
much that can happen over the phone. I agree that she shouldn’t go on the attack, but moving to another state should always be a joint decision. If she doesn’t want to move, her husband should be willing to discuss it. How about staying put and arranging frequent visits? If the husband doesn’t listen to her and insists on the move, then before she even considers relocating, she should find a good divorce lawyer immediately. — A Lawyer’s Perspective Dear Lawyer’s Perspective: Thank you for offering your professional advice. Sometimes, what appears to be an irrational fear may very well be a gut instinct. If Worried in Wyoming feels like this plan will harm her, her relationship or her assets, she should indeed take action.
Bailing bestie Dear Annie: Under what circumstances is it OK to cancel your plans with one friend in order to spend time with someone else? I have a friend who repeatedly cancels her plans with me if she suddenly gets an invitation from someone who is higher status/more socially prominent. I’ve tried to talk to her about this, but she feels I am being too sensitive and that it’s best to “keep things loose,” with the understanding that both parties are free to opt out if something else comes up. The frequent cancellations make me feel like I’m her “backup friend,” with whom she only spends time if she doesn’t get a better offer. What do you advise? — Blown Off Dear Blown Off: If a
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friend makes you feel like a backup, she is no friend at all. Even the term “backup friend” is an oxymoron; there’s no such thing! Once you commit to plans, you should honor that commitment. That doesn’t mean there’s no room for flexibility — we’re all busy, after all — but a pattern of blowing you off for “higher status” company is unkind and unfair. I would firmly tell this “friend” that you honor your word after making plans with someone and that you expect her to do the same. If she continues to blow you off, she’s probably not even worth penciling in. ——— Dear Annie: I lost a loving soul mate to dementia several months ago. We were extremely close for over 57 years, but now she is a great memory. I am sad I lost her but grateful to have had the time to thank her for those years and physically demonstrate that my love for her was — and still is — real. In the end, I cut her food in bitesize pieces and, for a short while, had to place the food in her mouth. I bathed her, dressed her, combed her hair, etc., and will be forever thankful for the opportunity to support her. We had worked together for some 50 years, and she went to the office with me right up until the last several days of her life. Each morning, while helping her from bed, I hugged her and reminded my life partner of my love and thanked her for being such a great wife. I might add here that I feel exceptionally blessed for having her in my life and being able to “pay back” a little bit for her years of dedicated love and support. — Loved Her Till the End Dear Loved Her: Your letter brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful love story. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@ creators.com. ENTERPRISE PUBLIC
NOTICES Dear Annie: I am turnEmail legals to ing 38 this year. I’m a legals@davisenterprise.net father of two withat a third View legals duedavisenterprise.com/ in November — this classifieds