The McGill Tribune Vol. 25 Issue 26

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TRIBUN E P U B L I S H E D BY T H E S T U D E N T S '

Vol. 25 Issue 26 I Tuesday, March 28, 2006

S O C I E T Y OF M C G I L L UNI VERSI TY

T riS S M U n e a t last!

S A C O M S S sh u t o u t U n i v e r s i ty o n ly

c la im s

a ll o c a t e d

n ig h t

o ffic e

w a s

t e m p o r a r i l y

JAMES G O T O W IE C Volunteers at the Sexual Assault Centre of McGill Students’ Society are again scram­ bling to find space before the lease on their current night office expires at the end of May. On Feb. 28, Vice-Principal (Administration and Finance) Morty Yalovsky informed SSMU that the SACOMSS night office would be reassigned on June 1, leaving the service with just over two months to find a new location for its confidential night time support line.

"We’re pretty miffed about this eviction,” said Yolaine Yim, SACOMSS' co-external coor­ dinator. ""We feel that it really reflects the fact that the McGill administration doesn't think that the work we do is necessary or serious, or valuable to the McGill community” Last year SACOMSS, along with the Muslim Students' Association, was told that it had to vacate its day office in the basement of Peterson Hall to make way for an archaeology lab. SSMU stepped in and offered the Service

space in the Shatner building, on the condi­ tion that the university continue to house the night office.

In the past, volunteers at the crisis line have received death threats and been harrassed when leaving at the end of the night, so SACOMSS has kept the location of the night office confidential.

On Thursday, SSMU Council unanimous­ ly passed a motion calling on McGill to perma­ nently provide space for the night office, and mandating SSMU to make space for SACOMSS a priority in its ongoing negotia­ tions over the memorandum of agreement.

"How can McGill be a student-centred university and not leave space for a sexual assault centre?" Vice-President University Affairs Max Reed asked in presenting the motion.

Many councillors found it difficult to believe the administration had again revoked the Centre's lease, with Arts Representative Corey Shefman noting that the position made

See SERVICE, page 5

A n c illa r y fe e s up Fifth consecutive hike goes before Board next month T R A C I JO H N S O N

Ired of Tribune editors' incompetence, SSMU execs have taken the helm. As President Adam Zonter is finding out however, it's difficult to keep the new staff on task. See special pullout

Be a Tribune columnist.

2 0 0 6 -2 0 0 7

The Student Services fee is set to rise to $107 per semester for the 2006-07 school year, an increase of about nine per cent, pending approval by the Board of Governors in April. The increase marks the fifth consecu­ tive fee increase, coming on the heels of a 12 per cent hike implemented just last year.

Students' Society Vice-President Finance and Operations Eric van Eyken said SSMU did not object to the fee increase, but that the Post-Graduate Students' Society did dispute the change based on ideological opposition to any fee increase for students.

“Over 50 per cent of the increase will go to salaries, which are needed costs," van

Eyken said.

The fee increase will expand the total Student Services budget by more than $500,000. Career and Placement, Mental Health, Counselling and Student Health Services will all receive budget increases, which will go toward additional staffing aimed at decreasing student line-ups in the Brown Building.

The addition of one full-time and one part-time psychiatrist will allow Mental Health Services to reduce waiting time for appoint­ ments. MHS Director Norman Hoffman said that demand for services has doubled in the past four years alone. Despite adding two full­ time psychiatrists in 2005, students currently

See MONEY, page 5

Does your prose stir deep feelings in the hearts of men?

Are you computer-sawy?

The Tribune is seeking columnists for the 2006-07 school year.

Applications should be addressed to Editor-in-Chief James Gotowiec and include a letter of intent detailing the column theme, one original 500- to 600-word sample column that relates to the theme, and ideas for five additional columns. Drop off applications in the McGill Tribune office, Shatner 110, by Friday,

The Tribune is still accepting applications for design editor and online editor positions. Applications should include a cover letter, CVand three relevant samples of work. Get your last-minute applications in to the Tribune office by Thursday, March 30 at 5 p.m.

April 7 at 5 p.m.

new s EXCLUSIVE

Cover photo by LUKAS BERGMARK

INTERVIEW

-JOHN

GODFREY

Godfrey hits G ert’s T h e

c u r r e n t

L ib era l

Current Liberal, MP John Godfrey, one of only two people to officially declare his candidacy for the Liberal leadership, came to Gert's last Tuesday to speak with members of Liberal McGill about his platform. He spoke with the afterward about why he's running and the chal­ lenges the Liberals face.

Tribune

What made you get into the race?

I saw a huge opportunity to advance a certain vision of the coun­ try, which would build on what we've done, but represent a new focus for the future. That's why I put sustain­ ability and a whole range of environ­ mental issues front and centre. My reason for being involved is that I passionately believe that we have enough evidence [on climate change] here that we have to react to. We can't simply keep putting off difficult decisions. But if we tackle environmental challenges head on, we can actually realize not only a bet­ ter quality of life, do the right thing for the next generation, but actually have an economic and industrial strategy for the future. So that is my number one reason for getting involved. I guess the second reason is that I want to make sure that the people who are on the progressive side of the party, who believe in social ju s ­ tice as I do, will be well represented in the party. So it’s that vision of Canada: Sustainable, social justice, strong economically, sovereign inter­ nationally, that I want to represent in this race.-I'm running not to simply advance the idea, but to win the campaign.

The Liberal Party is a bit of a tarnished brand in Quebec. Is that something that can be addressed in the immediate future?

Of course. It's a challenge that we have to face up to. We have to learn our lessons from the last elec­ tion and from recent events; we can't go on the way we were. But on the other hand we've had tremendous accomplishments, and we have the right values. We have to rediscover

NEWS

P a r ty

fr o n tr u n n e r

those values, perhaps move our­ selves a little more on the progres­ sive side of the agenda.... I think this is an eminently saveable party and the party can win the next election.

The evidence was there in the last election. I think people did share our values, but they -simply found the accumulation of problems we had too much to bear. I think if we offer this vision, which will be a clear dis­ tinction from where the conserva­ tives are coming from, then we have a really good chance of wining the next election. But we have to be able to say "Here's what it means to be Liberal, here’s our vision of a better future for this country." If we can't say that with conviction, then we’re going to have trouble winning the next election. But we have to be able to say "Here's what it means to be Liberal, here's our vision of a better future for this country." If we can't say that with conviction, then we're going to have trouble winning the next election.

Obviously it takes a lot of money to run in these races. Is that what wins these races in the end?

I think money is important, and we have to raise as much as we need to get the jo b done. I don't think money will win the race in the end, I think the people will ask them­ selves "Which person has the best chance of winning the next election?

What is their cause, that I can believe in, that I think Canadians can believe in?" And I think that we obviously need money to put up a good show, but no amount of money will per­ suade Liberals that money is more important that the actual people run­ ning or the platforms they're running on.

Is the Liberal Party the party of young Canadians, and if not, will your focus on sustainability help make it the party of young Canadians?

I think that it's a challenge, par­ ticularly in Quebec where the Liberal Party is less the party of young peo­ ple, except here at McGill, and a cou­

i s n ’t

ta k in g

SUS wraps up races

Tribune

fo r

g r a n te d

ple of other places. So what we need to do is to put out an agenda that is the right agenda and which will attract young people. If there are two things that young people believe in, it’s the environment and sustainabili­ ty on the one hand, and social justice on the other, particularly in Quebec.

So we will do well politically by doing the right thing in policy terms, and confronting the real challenges we face in the country, having an alter­ nate vision that people can subscribe to. That will bring young people to us, because they believe in these issues, and it's their world that we’re prepar­ ing now.

You were president of King's College in Halifax in the late 1980s.

How do you think the challenges of running a university have changed since that time?

I ju st think it's become tougher.

I think that the challenges of money are always present—now there's a new phenomenon in the form of an aging professoriate, which will have to be replaced. I don't know if it's as much fun to be a university president in 2006 as it was in the 1980s.

John Godfrey is just one of the many Liberal leadership hopefuls to swing through Gert's in the past weeks.

Can the federal government help with those challenges?

I think the federal government can help by focusing even more on two things that it has been good at.

One is the research side of the equation, with more money for granting councils, whether it's more professor­ ships to encourage people to come back from the United States and elsewhere. Secondly, we can help by providing students with more access to higher education. We-had a terrific plan in the last campaign, the 50/5 0 plan, which would have offered half the academic fees in the first year to a university student or a community college student, and half in the last year. That's the kind of thing that we can be good at. I don't thinkjust turn­ ing over more money without accountability over to posusecondary education will do it. ■

-CompiledbyJames Cotowiec

BRI EF

The Science Undergraduate Society wrapped up its election period Wednesday night after five days of voting.

Newly elected president Lili Gao will work alongside VicePresident Internal and design editor Genevieve Friesen and Vice-President External Rime Salmi. Also elected were Spencer Ng, Belinda Kong and Sarah Ekdawi as the vice-presidents academic, finance and communica­ tions, respectively.

Though voter turnout was only 37 percent, or about 900 students, current SUS president Marta Filipski hopes that turnout will improve in the next election. She said that Gao will "do a fantastic jo b in her role as president," but cautioned that the new president has several chal­ lenges awaiting her, including working with a council

a n y th in g

made up entirely of new members. Gao will also have to continue Filipski's work to turn the Burnside basement into a safe and well-lit 24-hour study space. The project has been in progress for the past five years, having been plagued by a series of funding issues and departing proj­ ect coordinators.

Students also made their opinions clear on referen­ dum questions and contested issues, including the pro­ posed A+ grade. More than 80 per cent of students voted against the A+ grade, while a majority supported the Science Twenty-First Century Computer Fund. The fund will support the McGill Science Computer Taskforce, a vol­ unteer group providing computers, printing and technical support to Science undergraduates.

—Amy Glicksman

M cGill Town Hall It's o u r university.

L e t's ta lk a b o u t it.

Principal

Heather Munroe-Blum invites students, faculty and staff to an open forum to discuss issues o f relevance to the M cGill com m unity

Friday, March 31, 2006 11:00 am — 12:15 pm Raymond Building R2-045 Macdonald Campus 21,111 Lakeshore Rd, Sainte-Anne-de-Bellevue = ...............

.......

..

the mcgill tribune | 28.3.06) news

3

CAMPUS

A r t h is t o r y p r o fs , c o u r s e s v a n is h D e p a r t m e n t

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o f f e r in g s

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Correction: Several photo credits were omitted in last week's issue. The photo of Heather Munroe-Blum on page 2 should have been credited to Lukas Bergmark; the photo on page 5 ("Campus crumbling away"?) to Dave Brodkey; and the photos on pages 12 and 13 to Vladimir Eremin.

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KA TH ER IN E SPIRGEN Just as Art History undergradu­ ates were getting ready to finish midterms and leave for Reading Week in February, they received some bad news: Professors Ting Chang and Charmaine Nelson were both going on sick leave for the remainder of the semester.

Sessional lecturers were found within several weeks to pick up where Chang and Nelson had left off, but the Department of Art History and Communications still shows signs of a slow recovery into next year, as the number of courses offered has been cut nearly in half for the fall semester. This year, the department offered 11 courses in the fall and 14 in winter. Next year, students will have only six courses to choose from in the fall, and nine in Winter.

Chang and Nelson both declined to comment on the situa­ tion, but Art History and Communications Studies Departmental Chair Darin Barney said that the two absences were unrelated. He declined requests for further comment.

Tamar Tembeck and Claudette Lauzon were chosen from among McGill’s Ph.D. students and hired for the semester to fill in for the missing professors. Tembeck has taken over for Nelson, while Lauzon has taken over for Chang. Both have previously

WARM SPARK WRITING PROJECT (Supported By the VP Research Office. Associate Vice-Principal (Communications). and the Faculties of Agriculture Environmental Sciences. Arts, Engineering, Medicine, and Science)

S.

W ARM SPARK

(Writing About Research at McGill) (StudentsPromoling Awareness of Research Knowledge)

L o o k in g fo r S tu d e n t W r ite r s 2006-2007

Join an energetic group of W A R M -SP A R K student writers dedicated to writing about research for a general audience, W A R M -SP A R K writers work as a writing community. They edit each other’s texts with the objective of publishing their articles in McGill-related and local newspapers. For further information see www.spark.mcgill.ca DAVE BRODKEY

The program accommodates 8-10 writers and is open to McGill undergraduate and graduate students in all faculties.

Participants must be able to attend weekly meetings throughout the academ ic year.

The Art History department stands quiet-well, quieter than normal. taught Introduction to Modern Art courses over the summer.

"It's very challenging to teach a course with a syllabus that isn’t your own," said Tembeck, “but I’m really enjoying it."

While the interim solution to the professor shortage is working for now, it has failed to address students' larger concerns regarding the course shortage next year.

Megan Hudson, U1 Art History and Religious Studies, worries about the dwindling number of professors.

"I’m in one class with Professor

Bronwen Wilson this summer and two in the Fall. That shows that we really don't have enough profs," she said. "I’m really bothered"by how few classes are being offered."

Jacquline Mabey, a graduating Art History student and member of the Art History Students’ Association, expressed similar apprehension.

"Something has to be done,” she said. "It can’t really be helped when people get sick, but if the department shuts down when some­ thing like this happens, it’s a huge problem.” ■

Students interested for the 2006-2007 academ ic year should send a résumé, university transcript, and a short writing sample by A p ril 30 , 2006 to: Prof. Linda Cooper (WARM-SPARK mentor) Linda.CooDer@mcqiH.ca Redpath Museum Faculty of Science

PROVINCE

S till p r a y in g f o r s p a c e R ig h ts

C o m m i s s i o n

H EA TH ER H A Q LA W R EN C E Nearly 10 months after losing their prayer space because of a deci­ sion by McGill administration, Muslim students are hopeful that a recent ruling by the Quebec Human Rights Commission will lead to action.

The ruling last week, rendered in relation to a similar situation at Montreal's École de technologie supérieure, stated that ETS had a responsibility to accommodate the religious practices of its students.

"We are satisfied with the deci­ sion because it respects the rights of Muslim students to practise their reli­ gion with dignity," said Sarah Elgazzar, a McGill graduate and spokesperson for the Canadian Council on American-lslamic Relations.

Last May, McGill revoked prayer space in Peterson Hall that had been set aside for practicing Muslim stu­ dents, who are called to prayer five times daily. To date, the university has refused to provide official prayer accommodations, leaving students to pray outdoors or in hallways.

"We just want to resolve this sit­ uation amicably and as quickly as possible so we can pray in a dignified manner,” said Muslim Students' Association President Nafay Choudhury.

In December CAIR-CAN filed a human rights complaint against McGill on behalf of Muslim students.

The decision is still pending and could leave McGill's Muslim popula­

f in d s

d e n ia l

tion waiting years for a resolution.

"The ETS case took two and a half years,” Choudhury said. "We are disappointed with how slow the rul­ ing took. We hope this jumpstarts the process so McGill will work with Muslim students early so we can avoid the long, drawn-out process of waiting for a ruling."

Elgazzar said that the Commission's ruling is significant for McGill's case and that the university now has two choices. "[McGill] may wait for the whole investigation to be complete, and it can be ordered what to do," she said, "or it can act on it now."

Choudhury said it would be in McGill's best interest to take action now to reach a mutually agreeable decision.

"We have nothing to gain put­ ting the McGill name in the spotlight,” he said. "We’re not trying to create conflict with something that is part of our own identity as McGill students."

Like McGill, ETS had claimed that as a secular institution it had no obligation to provide a prayer space, and that students could use empty areas such as hallways and vacant classrooms to pray.

Elgazzar said the suggestion that students pray in such empty spaces is inadequate.

"Our prayers require physical and mental concentration, which requires a quiet, clean space.

Students have a right to be able to do that in a dignified way," she said.

discriminatory The Commission found that rel­ egating Muslim students to such empty spaces did not meet the responsibility of ETS to accommo­ date students' right to practise their religion in conditions that safeguard their dignity.

Choudhury and Elgazzar argued that a multi-faith room would fulfill this obligation while catering to the needs of students of all faiths. More than 30 Canadian universities cur­ rently provide their students with such a facility.

The university has maintained that the policies at other institutions should not influence decisions at McGill.

In a recent interview with stu­ dent journalists, Principal Heather Munroe-Blum said that the university hopes to see the Muslim community develop a prayer space near campus.

However, MSA representatives have said this option isn't currently viable.

Choudhury said the conflict is indicative of a larger issue.

"How much importance is the McGill administration placing on its students? Why is SACOMSS [Sexual Assault Centre of McGill Students' Society] facing difficulties? Why are the libraries closed more than in other years? Why is increasing tuition one of the biggest problems for stu­ dents? The administration is making it difficult to work toward creating an environment conducive to the well­ being and dignity of all students,” he said, ■

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the mcgill tribune | 28.3.06 j news

Service goes on PR blitz S u p p o r t e r s

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Continued from cover Yalovksy "look inherently evil."

However, Reed responded that he didn't believe Yalovsky had been involved in the decision.

"Dr. Yalovsky is not the person ultimately responsible for this deci­ sion," he said. "I think in this case it’s safe to say that decision lies with the principal and the provost."

Morton Mendelson, associate provost (academic programs and services), said in an e-mail that SSMU had been informed early on that the space arrangement was tem ­ porary.

"Last year, the university allocat­ ed space on campus outside the University Centre to SSMU, which SSMU made available to SACOMSS,” he said. "SSMU was told that the space was being allocated temporarily -fo r one year, ending May 31, 2006.

SSMU was reminded in February that the university would need the space on June 1, 2006."

Both SSMU and SACOMSS have argued that a condition of pledging student money to the Brown Student Services building was that SACOMSS be allocated space there. When it was moved out of the Brown build­ ing in 2001, former Dean of Students Rosalie Jukier wrote a memo to SSMU President Jeremy Farrell and incoming Dean of Students Bruce Shore stating that "It is the intention of the Office of the Dean of Students... that SACOMSS continue

t o

p a c k

S e n a t e

to be located on uni­ versity premises."

Mendelson rejected the argu­ ment.

"A dean of stu­ dents does not have the authority to allo­ cate university space," he said.

Yim acknowl­ edged the point, but said there was more to the letter.

"It’s nothing like a contract that is binding, but I think it's indicative of the quality of the relationship that we used to have with the dean of stu­ dents and the McGill administration," she said. "They saw us as important, they wanted to give us space.”

In response to McGill’s action, SACOMSS has gone on the offensive.

"We're going to go to external media soon, and on Monday we’re going to start circulating a petition," Yim said.

Reed said he would be asking a question about the issue at Senate tomorrow. Yim had hoped a motion would be presented calling on McGill to grant SACOMSS space, but Senate Steering Committee rejected the motion and it will not be presented to the full Senate for debate.

However, she said SACOMSS was calling on supporters to attend any­

Are you a Unitarian but don't know it?

m e e t i n g

U n ita ria n ism is o n e o f th e o ld est m o d e m religions; a n u n c o m m o n d e n o m in a tio n .

If y o u are o p e n -m in d e d , b elieve th a t “tru th " is ever-evolving a n d n o t fo u n d in a rig id d o c trin e o r d o g m a, th e U n ita ria n c o n g reg atio n co u ld w ell be th e p lace for you.

P lease jo in u s a n y S u n d ay m o rn in g a t 10:30 for o n e ho u r. It co u ld ch an g e y o u r w h o le a ttitu d e to w ard s “re lig io n .”

VLADIMIR EREMIN

F o r m o re in fo rm atio n :

way.

"We're planning on packing Senate chambers with people wear­ ing white ribbons," she said.

The results of the SACOMSS campaign were obvious yesterday.

Signs around campus informed stu­ dents about the eviction, and volun­ teers set up a table in the Shatner building to collect signatures for the petition. Students staffing the table, who wished to remain anonymous, said response had been extremely positive.

SSMU President Adam Conter said SSMU would fight for SACOMSS. "We’ve already covered once for McGill’s efforts to eradicate an award-winning service," Conter said.

"We’re not going to allow that to hap­ pen again.” ■

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G E F o u n d a tio n

GE Foundation Scholar-Leaders Program in Canada Participating institutions:

University of Alberta • McMaster University • University of Toronto McGill University • HEC Montréal • École Polytechnique

Money should reduce waits

The GE Foundation, the philanthropic organization of the General Electric Company, is pleased to announce the GE Foundation Scholars-Leaders Program in Canada. The program is administered by the Institute of International Education (HE) on behalf of the GE Foundation.

B u d g e t

The GE Foundation seeks to increase access to higher education by identifying and recognizing up to 15 accomplished first-year undergraduate students from six participating institutions who are pursuing degrees in the fields of engineering and business/management and are a member of one of the following groups: Aboriginal peoples*, women in Engineering programs, and persons with disabilities**.

i n c r e a s e

Continued from cover wait about two weeks to see a doctor.

Counselling Services, which administers a budget of close to $1million, plans to introduce a part-time intake counselor to reduce wait times for a first meeting. About 2,000 dif­ ferent students visit a counsellor each year, and repeat traffic grew in 2005.

According to a preliminary report prepared by the Coordinating Committee on Student Services, the First-Year Office and First Peoples' House budgets will increase by 35 per cent and 21 per cent respective­ ly. In its 2003 Annual Report, the

w ill

a ll o w

e x p a n d e d

administration identified support for aboriginal students as a principal goal for the future, stating that it hopes to make McGill "a prime destination for aboriginal students and a welcome home once they arrive.”

The First-Year Office funds will be used to develop leadership pro­ grams that emphasize citizenship, comm unity-development activities and the responsible use of alcohol.

The SSMU fee, which was pegged to inflation after a student referendum in 2004, will be $48 for full-time students next fall. SSMU uses Statistics Canada's inflation index, calculated at 2.4 per cent for

s e r v i c e

the city of Montreal, to determine fee increases. The $48 charge includes the $4 CKUT fee, $1.75 Referral Services Network fee and $1.50 Daycare fee approved in separate SSMU referenda on March 8.

Van Eyken said he felt students supported the fee increase.

"We feel like fees accepted by students, like those decided by refer­ endum, are just fine,” he said.

The Athletics fee, a separate charge on the student account, will also increase by $10 next year. The extra money is designated for salaries, a women's basketball coach and team travel. ■

* A Canadian resident Aboriginal individual who is either Firs! Nation status or non-status, Métis or Inuit **A disability is defined as “a functional limitation that is caused by physical or mental impairment that restricts a student's ability to perform the daiiy activities necessary to participate in studies at a postsecondary level or in the labor force, and that is expected to remain with the student for the student's expected life.”

Why Apply?

• • •

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S p r in g

2 0 0 6

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C o n v o c a tio n

A $4000 per year scholarship for the 2nd, 3rd, and 4lh years of your undergraduate program An opportunity to be mentored by a business leader at GE in Canada ■ Inclusion in GE Foundation Scholar-Leader activities, including a specially designed, all expenses paid, summer leadership seminar at GE Canada in Mississauga, Ontario Participation in community work projects

Who Can Apply?

C e r e m

o n ie s

TO ALL GRADUATING STUDENTS In p re v io u s y ea rs, a c o n v o c a tio n p a m p h le t w as m a ile d t o all g ra d u a tin g s tu d e n ts . In o r d e r to b e tte r m e e t M c G ill’s s u s ta in a b ility n e e d s, th is w ill n o lo n g e r b e d o n e . A ll in f o r m a tio n re g a rd in g c o n v o c a tio n w ill n o w b e m a d e a v a ila b le o n -lin e at: w w w .m c g ill.c a /c o n v o c a tio n s .

Onlyapplicantswhomeet theeligibilitycriteriadescribedbelowwillbe consideredfortheaward Aboriginal peoples - women in engineering programs -- persons with disabilities who: • • •

• •

A lin k to G a s p a rd & S o n s (a c a d e m ic d ress su p p lie rs) w ill b e a d d e d to th e w e b site. W h e n th e lin k is a c tiv e , y o u will n e e d to o rd e r y o u r a c a d e m ic dress b y M a y 17, 2006.

_ _ _________________________________________________ ________ _________________ —

Are Canadian residents Are first-year fuil-time students at one of the six participating institutions Are studying engineering or business/management (Aboriginal peoples and persons with disabilities considered for both fields) Have high academic performance, as demonstrated by first semester university results and high school transcripts.

Demonstrate financial need

How to Apply?

Please visit www.iie.ora/proQfams/aeioundation and click on the link Applications under “Application Center”. You may also call ME at 1800-486-0308 or send an email to aefslp-canada@iie.org to have an application sent to you. The application deadline is March 31, 2006.

5

o p in io n

T h e H e l p l e s s R o m a n t ic

CKUT is dead to me

A - m u s in g s

RICH TSENG

Get some damn manners!

GENEVIEVE FRIESEN

o you see, I've been collecting this data," one's phone ring while they've gone to the bath­ my breakfast date starts to say. But my room. thoughts are no longer on his data collec­ But cell phone manners must also be mind­ tion. Instead, they're focusing on the pattern his ed in group settings. Last week, I was talking to knife and fork are making as they swoop and fall a friend when his phone rang. In the middle of over the breakfast table. I gently reach over to our conversation, he answered and proceeded touch his hands, and say, in my kindest, most l'm-not-really-a-snob voice: "Could you please stop gesticulating with your Many sticky situations can be avoided by cutlery? It's rude." The surprise is plainly simply minding one's m anners. Cell phone visible across his face. Apparently, his etiquette is a prim e exam ple of m anners too mother never gave him the crash course on breakfast date etiquette. often forgotten: M eetings with professors, for While I'm guilty of putting my elbows example, seem s to go a lot better when one's on the table and forgetting at times to lay cell phone is not incessantly chirping 50 my napkin across my lap, there's nothing ruder than bad manners. If there's one Cent's "Candy Shop/' thing that I’ve kept with me from my hey­ day as a child, romping around home with my sisters, it's my manners. And they have to have a nice little chat with his friend, leaving served me very well over the past few years, as me standing there to listen to his half. I'm sorry, I quickly came to learn that manners go a lot fur­ but please excuse yourself from our conversa­ ther than one would anticipate. tion, or ju st don't answer your phone. I stood Many sticky situations can be avoided by there, feeling quite foolish, attempting to not simply minding one's manners. Cell phone eti­ eavesdrop—but of course, I had nothing else to quette is a prime example of manners too often do. forgotten: Meetings with professors, for example, Our culture has become far too forgiving seems to go a lot better when one’s cell phone when it comes to our lack of social graces. It has is not incessantly chirping 50 Cent's "Candy become permissible to blatantly interrupt a con­ Shop." versation for a potentially better one. A lack of The same thing goes for the library. You are manners has become a badge of honour that not, in fact, the only person studying there. And many people wear proudly, but I, for one, am not seeing as the library is generally quiet, people satisfied just sitting there listening to a conversa­ will inevitably overhear any conversation you tion I'm not involved in. I will instead ask you to have. For this exact reason, phone companies please mind your manners, and call back later. ■ invented this nifty little feature called Learn to use it. I'm tired of sitting in the base­ Trib ment of Blacker-Wood and listening to some-

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vibrate.

GenevièveFriesenisa designeditor. You reallydon't want tosee her when she'spissed.

hen my family first moved to suburban Ontario, there was a channel on TV that showed nothing but fire. Of course, you couldn't ever use the fire, or feel its warmth or roast a marshmallow over it, because the fire existed solely in TV land.

It was pretty boring, actually, and I doubt it had good ratings, because the fire channel was soon replaced by cover­ age of our burgeoning community, Friends would appear in local hockey games or on "youth-oriented" shows like where every day after school ran­ dom kids would weigh in on topics like drugs or discrimination and the other mundane things that pass for education with'the teenagers these days.

It was low-budget, crummy and—in terms of yawn-inducement-somewhere between the fire channel and the stockindex channel, unless somebody I knew was on it. Indeed, it was always a mild treat to see that kid you kind of knew in eighth grade show up looking like a star, .even if he was the star of an in-depth report on today's bicycle newspaper deliverers, watched by about two peo­ ple.

Relatable topics and cameos were about the only thing that station had going for it. Unfortunately, CKUT, McGill's campus-community radio station, does­ n't even have that. That’s why the station, which recently had its fee renewed in a referendum, is dead to me.

On any given day on CKUT, students get to listen to such wide-ranging, pertinent topics as "Labour Radio" for workers and the unemployed (which is no doubt of particular interest to McGill students, the majority of whom are bour­ geois and academics) and Palestinian, Indigenous Peoples' and Latin American news and headlines (good for those who can't get enough of specialty

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Palestinian, indigenous and Latin American media, and want to tune in once a week to hear it all reiterated once more). There's plenty for everyone, unless you're interested in McGill stuff, in which case they have almost nothing to offer. Too bad, maybe they'll bring up the student protests again on documen­ tary night.

And the thing is, CKUT—the stated goal of which is to provide students with a glimpse of Montreal—doesn't even provide access for those who most need to be introduced to the community. Firstyears living in Upper Rez can only tune their radios to static, since the CKUT sig­ nal doesn't cover their area. On its Web site, the live broadcast button doesn't work, and neither do a large number of the links. If I'd known-I was voting for during the SSMU elections, I would have actually brought myself to break tradition and click the "No" box.

In truth, that would have been my best vote. CKUT is not my friend and none of my friends are on it. Regardless of how many mints and fridge magnets and blaring sound waves they issue from Shatner, I they just want my money. Money that should be provided by the various non-McGill minority groups they feel so obligated to repre­ sent: money that will only ever come back to me in the form of more fridge magnets and cheap mints.

I am not against non-commercial broadcasting. I love the CBC, which pro­ vides an invaluable service to its con­ stituents. CKUT does not; it caters to whomever it wants and fails to represent the student body. It's time a real campus radio station beholden to the interests of students burst forth, and it's time we leave CKUT to the mercy of the "com­ munity" it dreams it represents, instead of the university it so clearly does not. ■

this

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K le in iu m

The benefit of playing the fields JONATHAN KLEIN pproaching the end of the school year, graduating stu­ Man? People like Leonardo da Vinci and Benjamin Franklin dents get to talking about their plans for next year. And were experts in art, politics, history, mathematics, science and while many will continue to work or study in their cho­ more. They were not confined to one area of study, and each sen disciplines, some will try their hand at a new field. of their myriad interests informed the others, rather than hin­ Revealing such a decision can be met with incredulity. dering their ability to think about any topic. In recent times, Conventional wisdom holds that once someone has chosen Albert Einstein was not ju st a scientist, but a scholar whose a particular path, they are stuck with it. Even if the decision opinions on a wide range of topics were solicited and valued. was made at the age of 18—when most students can barely These men's thoughts, regardless of the topic, were valuable think past the next weekend, let alone 20-years down the and worthy of consideration. road—it’s seen as binding. It is as though a decision made in But it's not only in academic circles that skill in one area the mind's most formative years is indelibly stamped on the can impact a seemingly unrelated one. NBA Most Valuable forehead, never to be changed. . Player Steve Nash spent his childhood playing soccer as well I found that this mindset of compartmentalization reared as dribbling a basketball. Nash's soccer experience helped its head even in high school. When considering upper-year develop his agility to slip past opponents, vision to spot seem­ high school courses, students must choose first whether to ingly covered teammates 'f o r impossible passes, and pursue arts or natural sciences, and then either physical or life endurance to run his team's non-stop, up-tempo offense for sciences. The notion of the well-rounded student, equally 48 minutes at a time. well-versed in humanities, natural and social sciences, seems One reason McGill offers so many multi-disciplinary pro­ to be outdated. grams is that certain methods of thinking can have impact on Whatever happened to the ideal of the Renaissance a wide array of subjects. Just as Nash puts soccer to use in

A

basketball, so too can an economist—who might think in terms of supply and demand, even when considering topics unrelated to money or trade—or a chemist—who might see many individual units combining to create a whole system, with properties perhaps totally unrelated to those of the con­ stituent parts—apply their method of thinking to a different topic and see it in new ways.

Undergraduate education is as much about gaining a coherent way to look at the world as it is assimilating informa­ tion on a subject. Bringing fresh perspective and analytical methods to other fields could open up a host of new insights that would have been difficult to achieve if not for the discov­ erers' unorthodox background.

We should not limit enrolment into advanced programs to those who have studied the subject in undergraduate courses. Instead, students should be encouraged to pursue study outside their original field, to diversify themselves and their minds. Only then can we help bring about Renaissance Men in our own generation. ■

The

the mcgill tribune | 28.3.06 j opinion

McGill Tribune Vol. 25, Issue 26 E d it o r - i n - C

h ie f

Liz Allemang editor@mcgilltribune.com M a n a g i n g E d it o r s

Jennifer Jett Andrew Segal seniored@mcgilltribune.com N

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E d it o r s

Robert Church James Gotowiec Niall Mackay Roberts news@mcgilltribune.com F e a t u r e s E d it o r s

Genevieve Jenkins Cristina Markham features@mcgilltribune.com A & E E d it o r s

Ben Lemieux Melissa Price arts@mcgilltribune.com

David Blye Adam Myers sports@mcgilltribune.com P h o t o E d it o r s

Lukas Bergmark Vladimir Eremin photo@mcgilltribune.com C

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Traci Johnson copy@mcgilltribune.com D

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Matt Campbell Tiffany Choy Geneviève Friesen design@mcgilltribune.com O

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E d it o r

Marco Avolio online@mcgilltribune.com A d v e r t is in g M

EDITORIAL

Three strikes, you’re out of a job In

recent weeks, it's become quite clear that you don't have to be a conservative to be disil­ lusioned with unions anymore. For years, union members have been taking advantage of their protected employee status, working fewer "real” hours and treating their jobs with a lackadaisical demeanor—we've all seen six road workers stand­ ing around for hours fixing a lone pothole.

But lately, municipal and federal govern­ ments have rightly tried to stop unionized work­ ers from taking advantage of their privileged posi­ tions. This respectable stand, however, has been met by an unwarranted and disproportionate backlash.

Last week, in the wake of unflattering media reports about two work crews in city boroughs not doing their jobs, Montreal's municipal govern­ ment took decisive action, sending letters to the homes of 22,000 city employees to outline a newly instituted "zero tolerance" policy. The poli­ cy requires that every city worker contribute a "normal day’s work,” and, if violated, carries a minimum penalty of three days suspension or immediate dismissal for a repeat infraction.

Union leaders have rushed to call the policy noth­ ing short of "outrageous" and "draconian," and have filed 6,000 individual grievances against the city. Apparently, ensuring your ability to give a halfhearted effort seems to be the work ethic

jour.

S p o r t s E d it o r s

anager

Paul Slachta advmgr@ssmu.mcgill.ca A d T ypesetter

du

outrage against Montreal's "zero tolerance" policy has brought an important yet touchy subject to light: There is a sense of entitlement among union members that borders on arrogance. It's no wonder Montreal workers slack off on the job, or that dock workers in Guadeloupe strike for months every year. After working for a company for ju st three months, they're untouchable. The process of dispatching a unionized worker has become so indescribably arduous that employers hardly bother anymore. And union workers are taking full advantage.

Critics of "zero tolerance" have said that it puts honest workers at potential risk; that the 99 per cent of city workers doing their jobs properly are being tarnished by a slothful minority. But these criticisms overlook the crux of the entire policy, which simply dictates that union workers should receive the same treatment as anyone working a non-unionized job.

Unionized or not, if you're performing dynamically and enthusiastically in the workplace, it's in your employer's best interest to increase your salary, offer you promotions and- whatever else is necessary to keep you in the company. If you're not, you should be looking for employ­ ment elsewhere. Union members should not have to abide by a less stringent work ethic than

DARK H U M O U R

by j a m i e G o o d m a n

Death be proud

P u b l is h e r

NIALL MACKAY ROBERTS

ON LIN E AT W W W .M C G ILLTR IBU N E .CO M

M ohit Arora, Jade Blair, Tessa Blanchfield, Dave Brodkey, Amy Glicksman, Jamie Goodman, Kiyoko Gotanda, Ricki Gurwitz, J.S. Hancox, Meaghan Hoyle, Niki Hyde, Jonathan Klein, Heather Haq Lawrence, Rachel Melnik, Resham Popat, Katherine Spirgen, Rich Tseng T

r ib u n e

O

f f ic e s

Editorial. Shatner University Centre, Suite 110, 3480 McTavish, Montreal QC Tel: 514.398.6789 Fax. 514.398.1750 Advertising. Brown Student Building, Suite 1200, 3600 McTavish, Montreal QC H3A 1Y2 Tel. 514.398.6806 Fax. 514.398.7490

the rules

OFF T H E B O A R D

Chad Ronalds

o n t r ib u t o r s

anybody else. Should they even imply otherwise, it would undermine the principles of equality and fairness upon which unions were first founded.

So while students might be inclined to be sympathetic to union workers, perhaps they should consider life without the university equiv­ alent of unionized jo b security: tenure. In the absence of tenure, professors would be forced to actually put time and effort into teaching, as opposed to mailing in their lectures just so they can get research grant money. Professors would know that their scores on in-class evaluations could affect their jo b prospects for the next year, and levels of engagement between students and instructors would be significantly higher. A meri­ tocracy doesn't seem so bad now, does it?

Ultimately, the McDonald's employee and road worker both have families to.feed. The only difference is, if the McChef needed six hours and five of his friends to prepare your food, he would­ n't have a jo b anymore. To suggest that a partic­ ular segment of employees should essentially be exempt from, well, is insulting to princi­ pled men and women who work low-wage jobs with dedication and pride, even though they only end up with half the benefits of a knavish buffoon who is paid $23 an hour to go on a Timbit run.

That much is safe to call "outrageous." ■

Montreal's forceful stance is paralleled by new labour reforms in Germany and France. The latter’s Prime Minister, Dominique de Villepin, is in the process of negotiating a work contract based on the Danish "flexicurity" model, which allows companies to hire young people and keep them on a trial basis for up to two years. Young student workers have taken to the street in mass demonstrations and protests, conveniently disre­ garding the fact that flexicurity also makes it easi­ er to claim unemployment benefits.

In the spirit of fairness, it's important to note that unions have rendered invaluable services to workers around the world. Early American unions organized railroad strikes to protest arbitrary wage cuts, and the Committee for Industrial Organization successfully aggregated the interests of millions of workers in the automobile, rubber and steel industries. Unions are the only reason why workers enjoy seniority and jo b security, and they are instrumental in preventing labourers from being overworked, underpaid and mistreat­ ed by their employers.

That said, it has become evident of late that unions have overstepped their bounds. Union

Rieh Choe

C

7

ou expect philosophizing from the terminally ill.

You expect reminiscence and a bit of regret.

Maybe you even expect anger, but you certainly don't want to hear it.

Humour, you expect least of all. But it's the sad­ dest, because it seems so impotent at the time.

"My God, AIDS is so 1992. If I were clever, I would've gone and gotten something fresh and in the news, like mad cow, or some kind of rare cancer of the brain. You can't beat a brain tumour for Sympathy.

Plus, you can drool on whomever the fuck you please without having to say Tm sorry.' And who doesn't like saying 'metastasize?’ Now, that is a pretty word. That and 'mastectomy.' Of course, with cancer, you can combine them in one sentence. HIV gives you what— AZT, PCP, and KS? A bunch of acronyms that don't sound any damn good? It's so old hat."

William became more serious in the days before he died, but I remembered his sarcasm and some­ times laughed. He was right. AIDS is old hat, and the community that once mobilized around an epidemic to advance its cause has, to a great extent, disintegrat­ ed.

Y

Fifteen years ago, William's might have been a political funeral. A crowd of activists might have car­ ried his coffin into the street, chanting slogans, and thrown blood at city hall in disgust. Change might have been attempted.

But as it was, William's memorial was hushed, dignified and beautiful, which maybe marks an improvement on the charged confrontations of the eighties and early nineties. After all, it's hard to be rev­ erent with your fist in a bag of fake blood, and anger makes for unfocussed eulogies.

On the other hand, there used to be a time when you could feel your community behind you, when even death-however miserable it remainedwas given a purpose. In 1992, when AIDS was still William's death would have been faster and certainly no easier, but he would have died in compa­ ny.

Of course, this means little in our day, as the gay community has faded with its interest in the virus.

Today, half the gays I meet refuse to identify as such: They're too multifaceted to be boxed and labelled like that.

courant,

eu

Sometimes they fancy themselves bisexual, Sometimes they fancy themselves straight.

Sometimes they've invented their own word.

Sometimes they're offended I ask. Several will identi­ fy primarily with creed. Several will identify primarily with gender. Several will identify intellectually with food ideology. Several will identify spiritually with income objective. Most will tell me, all will expect me to care, and none should be surprised I don't. A fag is still a fag, whether or not he's willing to embrace and defend it.

It's exactly this sort of behaviour that leaves me admiring how much better we seemed to be when AIDS was still the newsmaker, uniting individuals who shared a single experience. I suspect the navel-gazing fools have always been there, but I imagine the epi­ demic lent perspective and taught a great number how to care for and engage in their own community.

What a shame that those are the ones who died, and that the navel-gazing fools are so much of what we're left with. What a shame that narcissism is never old hat.

When I die, give me a political funeral. ■

strictly those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the McGill Tribune, its editors or its staff. Please recycle this newspaper. upon and written by the editorial board. Ail other opinions are :

8

opinion | 28.3.06 | the mcgill tribune

SUDOKU H o w t o d o m e : Fill in e a c h r o w , c o l u m n a n d 3 x 3 b o x s o t h a t

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t h e n u m b e r s o n e t h r o u g h n i n e a p p e a r o n l y o n c e in e a c h .

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There aren’t any this week, because none of you wrote any!

There’s only one more week to tell us howwe’ve screwed up, so make sure to take advantage!

Ietters@mcgilltribune.com

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Unlocking the

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Raising the rankings

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Ann Dowsett Johnston, former journalist and leading voice in higher education, took on the positon of McGill's new Vice-Principal of Development and Alumni Relations in January.

She discusses her viewof universitylifeandher plans forMcGill'sfuture.

You were quoted by Newswire as being "Canada's foremost authority on university rankings." After having been the principle architect of Maclean's famous university ranking-system, how do you intend to bring that knowledge and expertise into the realm of McGill's development?

I took over the rankings in 1992, and when I did so, I became fascinated by the fact that there was so little attention being paid to higher education in this country. That year [1992] marked the first year of some extraordi­ nary cuts to higher education... the critical years of under-funding unfolded as I took on that project. Each year, the story became more dra­ matic. What do I want to bring to McGill? I want to bring that same passion for education into student's lives. I feel incredibly privileged and honoured to be able to take this passion of mine, which very much comes from my own experience as an undergraduate at Queen's.

My role [as the Vice-President of Development and Alumi Relations], if done properly, has the capacity to reshape the lives of students at McGill. I've done a lot of speaking across this country to students over the years and now, my speaking will be to benefit this campus. I want to use that communication to better [stu­ dents'] lives.

m a v e n

How have your experiences as a jour­ nalist influenced the way in which you approach your position as the VP of Development and Alumni Relations?

For more than 20 years, all of my experi­ ences at Maclean's were about handling new ventures, a lot of which have been around sto­ rytelling. I fell in love with the story of universi­ ty life in this country-and it is a story that deserves telling. One story that we speak of in Canada, in particular, is the issue of funding in terms of health versus education. I think that an educated population is a healthy popula­ tion. I guess I’ve voted with my feet. The story I want to tell is McGill's story. McGill has the power to change both national and internation­ al lives. The students here are extremely bright.

Why make the switch? What has made you decide to go into administration after so many years of pursuing journalism?

I had a wonderful career as a journalist and I will continue again, at some point, to write. I have had the great honor of been employed at MacLean’s as a summer intern back when I was 23-years-old, and I was enter­ tainment editor in my mid-20s. I've had many wonderful roles, and my work as a journalist is simply done. I fell in love with this story, with the need to make a difference in the lives of university students at McGill.... We are about to make some very big changes in how we do things here. Is it administration? I see it as an opportunity to use my imagination and create a new set of experiences for people.

—CompiledbyRachel Melnik For the complete interviewy see

www.mcgilltribune.com

Room to rent, no view, ugly neighbourhood and w icked guard.

Perfect for the summer.

Founded in 1977 by a group of undergraduate students from Georgia State University, Golden Key International Society recognizes college students around the world based on their academic achievements. The top 15 per cent in every faculty is rewarded through this program, and there are more than 8,000 honourary members involved with the Society. There are 18 different schol­ arship programs and nearly 700 members are awarded more than US$400,000 annually. It is one of the most dynamic, forward-thinking associations in higher education and its scope is getting big­ ger and bigger with chapters forming almost 350 different campuses including Australia, Canada, Malaysia, New Zealand, South Africa, the United Arab Emirates and the United States.

This non-profit organization's mission is to enable members to realize their potential by con­ necting individual achievement with service and lifelong opportunity. It values itself as the world's premier honour society and has had a positive impact on the lives of many people around the globe. Past members have included Bill Clinton, Bill Cosby, Stephen Covey, General Colin Powell, Ronald Reagan, Elizabeth Dole and Edward James Olmos.

The Golden Key International Honour Society, which found its way to McGill University in 1997, now has over 2,000 active members including past members like Principal Heather MonroeBlum and Dr. Henry Mintzberg from the Faculty of Management. Run by a group of students, the society has already put together many community service projects and continues to do so.

Currently, the Golden Path Tutoring Program, headed by the VP of Community Service Jay Potter, matches one Golden Path volunteer with one student from Bancroft Elementary School.

Every day from Monday to Thursday, six to seven tutors travel to the school to tutor a specific stu­ dent for a year. They take snacks with them and spend time with the students in the school library, where they do homework together and play sports in the gym. "We do so many things for them," says Nneka Edwards-Jackson, an active member and tutor. “We work with them at the library, we help them with their homework, read to them and do activités with them like play basketball." Once a semester they sponsor a field trip; this past April, the Golden Path tutors took their students to the Redpath Museum and watched a movie. "The kids are proud to have us as tutors as much as we are proud to have them as students," explains Edwards-Jackson. This program has been going on for five years, but continues to grow. "Our aim is to expand our program to other schools, and specifically more French-speaking ones," she says.

Past programs and activities for the Golden Key have included the Mount Sinai Hospital Volunteering Program and the Sounds of Music Program, in which students from Bancroft Elementary put on a musical production with the help of tutors. Outside of tutoring, the group holds social events such as a ski trip, movie nights and casino nights in order for members to interact and get to know each other. "Our mem­ bers are very eager to help the comm unity and Golden Key gives stu­ dents a real opportuni­ ty to give back to the community, Nneka Ec Jackson.

The ore tion contint grow and t support a the world, c as here at and in Montreal.

Sponsors include Ernst and Young, IBM, Desjardins and Cambior. "Golden Key has lots of amazing spon­ sors. We are always looking for new sponsors to help out," notes Edwards-Jackson. The events held by GK are intended to make it more than an academic club.

"This is to go out there and give something back.

So many people want to help," says Edwards-Jackson.

Tohelpout, youcancontact the VPExternal at info@sama-mcgill.org.

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E N T R E P O S A G E

DOMESTIK

SELF-STORAGE

T H E STO R A G E S O L U T IO N

MONTREAL (D ow ntow n), 255 S hannon tel.: 954-1833

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WHAT...

Vernissage for post disaster shelter

WHO...

School of Architecture

WHEN...

April 3, 5 p.m.

WHERE...

Macdonald Harrington, Room 101

CONTACT... emanuel.cyr@ mail.mcgill.ca

Advertise your event for a toonie! Come to the Trib office (Shatner 110) and give us your money!

Deadline Monday at 3 p.m.

MUSI C

Old soul, fresh music K e e p i n g

it

r e a l

w i t h

A n t o i n e

G r a t t o n

BEN LEMIEUX

the

Antoine Gratton is one of the most—if not most-versa­ tile musicians working in Quebec today. Bolstered by a rich per­ sonal background in music theory, Gratton's work is coloured by his skillful and dynamic turns on acoustic and electric guitars, bass, piano, percussion, Wurlitzer, mellotron and, above all, his expressiveness behind the microphone. Beyond his flexibility as an instrumentalist, Gratton's newly released sophomore album, shows him wearing his influences on his sleeve, as he blends an early-seventies affinity for blues-rock with his own take on contemporary folk songwriting.

The caught up with Gratton as he made his way to a soundcheck for a Plateau gig with folk-rock singer/songwriter Steve Marin.

Il était une fois dans l'est, Tribune

Tribune: On this album, there are really only two musicians contributing multiple overdubs to every track. It obviously allows a greater degree of control in the studio, but a common criticism of this recording style is the inevitable lack of interplay between musicians. How did you attempt to overcome this?

Antoine Gratton: That was the problem with my first album—it had a lot of arrangements and layering, which was all right, but it kind of overshadowed some of the songs. The way that we reconciled that, or the way that we managed to make it a little more human [was] we basically just played all of the tracks together. We always started off with ju st an acoustic guitar groove, the two of us, and we just layered everything on top of that. But we never played alone. We'd always be feeding off each other.

T: You dabble in so many instruments on the album that it's hard to tell what your principal instrument is. How did you first start playing music?

AG: The first thing I learned in music was tap dancing. I started taking lessons when I was seven-years-old and that was the first exposure to music that I had. After that I went to a music school from the age of eight to the age of 16, sort of a profes­ sional boys choir. Then I picked up the bass when I was about 12. [I] learned to play the drums later when I was listening to The Band a lot, music where the drums are incredibly [important].

T: That was probably one of the best times for popular music.

AG: Oh man, I love that stuff. You know, I’ve gotten some flack for being "way too out of the seventies," but you know what? I love that stuff. It's players' music.

T: Is it a sound you try to emulate in your work?

AG: Well, there's always a fine line between trying to copy a musical period and trying to draw from it. But I love that stuff because it's got great musical spirit. The guys just sang their hearts out, and it sounds like they're right next to you. That's what I try to go for.

AG: That falls into the whole debate of: "Is that an era that's lost? Should we be moving on instead of trying to copy what's been done already?" I don't know if it's best for musical innova­ tion.

T: So what's your musical inclination at present?

AG: Oh, I'm trying to sound like a record player. That's my natural inclination. That's where my gut takes me and that's where my heart takes me. ■

T: What with the general direction of today's music industry, does it ever feel like you're swimming against the current?

AG: Well, I don't know. It depends where you look in the music industry. There's obviously more plastified music and more stuff that's devoid of any feeling whatsoever. But there's been sort of a return to the essentially acoustic stuff recently—like Josh Ritter and all the folks guys who ju st step up and play their tunes.

T: True. Ever heard Ray Lamontagne?

AG: Yeah, man! That's the frosh! I love that! And Harry Manx, I mean, obviously from another generation, but that whole style is a great counterpart to the whole plastic thing that's going on with pop music.

T: You write mostly in French but throw in some English lines here and there. Are you more at ease writing in one lan­ guage than in the other?

AG: They're totally different styles of writing. If you look at French music in Quebec, it's very largely lyric-based, more so than English music. English is a very phonetic language when it comes to music. It's very simple, very to the point.

But with French you have to talk for a long time before you can say anything.

T: More elaborate and more poetic.

AG: It's elaborate, but that's the beauty of the language.

You have to work with that instead of against it. They're very different approaches to writing.

T: More of a personal question: Are you a digital or ana­ log kind of guy? If you had to choose between an iPod or a record player, which would it be?

AG: A record player, man. You can have a lot of fun with digital, I have nothing against it, but nothing beats a record player. I love that sound.

DAVE BRODKEY

T: Is it a sound you've tried to re-create when you're in Gratton: He dreams of vinyl resplendent in his eyes.

the production stages of an album?

H A N D S OF F T H E C A N V A S H ig h e r

th a n

a

S u p e r b a ll TESSA BLANCHFIELD

repare yourself for one-and-a-half minutes of pure joy.

Over the span of two days, 250,000 blue, green, pink, yellow, orange, red and purple Superballs cascaded ovçr the rolling hills of San Francisco. And it was all for the sake of art—corporate art.

The concept is simple—a quarter of a million bouncy balls are released on the peaks of San Fran's steepest roads. Gravity takes over and the balls suddenly become alive, bouncing and careening, hitting cars, getting in the way of dogs, dribbling under fences and gathering in gut­ ters. The potentially chaotic scene is transformed into the most natural, relaxing experience by the backing track, Jose Gonzalez's stripped-down "Heartbeats."

This is a video you'll want to share with your friends.

Over the past week I have viewed it with about a dozen people, and they all took away something different. Some .are mesmerized by Gonzalez's soothing, unassuming voice. Some are spellbound by the plethora of brilliant colours. Others look for a deeper meaning, exploring the possibilities of symbolism. Do the balls represent life?

People? Destiny? Does it matter?

Everyone wants to watch it for a second and third

P

time. It has such a calming, happy influence on people. The concept is pure art: lucid, real, meaningful and beautiful.

And you can find the video on the Internet-just search for Sony.

• That's right, it's a commercial for a new television.

Sony strove to make an advertisement that would stand out from any other commercial out there, while working with its campaign slogan. They wanted to show the world that Sony can deliver "Color, like. no. other."

At first glance, the video seems like it could be about anything, or nothing. The advertising on the video's Web page is minimal, but the members of Sony's marketing team know what they're doing. They attached a link that takes you right to a seven-minute video entitled "The Making of the Ad." Excited to find out about the creative process, to learn where the inspiration came from and to see thousands of bouncy balls again, I didn't hesitate to download the clip.

Unfortunately, the promised insight into the genius behind the concept turned out to be seven minutes of cor­ porate brainwashing. At the end of the video, I knew that Sony has come out with a new TV, Bravia, and that it proj-

ects brilliant colour on the screen. I did not know how the concept of coloured balls cascading unpredictably down urban roads was realized. I did not know why they chose certain colour schemes over others, or why they chose to incorporate certain scenes into the final cut. All I got was one big, slightly interesting commercial in disguise.

The makers of Bravia have given the world a beautiful piece of art that can be enjoyed by anyone with a comput­ er, but it comes at a price. The masses are no longer free to enjoy art for art's sake: it has to be attached to a prod­ uct. Because of this, art has become more practical,.more accessible, more marketable.

The problem is, I can't figure out if this is a good or bad thing. Thanks to companies like Sony, Coca-Cola and Lexus, artists have a way to live off their creativity, not to mention a huge audience. But my initial reaction is cynical.

Big Business shouldn't be trusted: everyone is after some­ thing. Do the means by which the art is patronized pervert the art itself? Or should Ijust shut up and enjoy the film? ■

To see the commercial, visit

www.braviaadvert.com/commercial/braviaextcommhigh.html.

WHAT

I LI KE

An idol by any standard M

Y

0 i l B

ROZ FREEMAN I feel connected to Kelly Clarkson. You can count on one thing—when I'm not enjoying my time organizing student social events, I'm either listening or dancing with my pak to Kelly's tunes. But for me, as I imagine it is with many others, my con­ nections to her goes much deeper than her music. What really gets me moving when I tune into Kelly's second album, are the implications that her career caries with it. Just as Kelly has brought warmth and excitement into the lives of young women and girls who just want to make a difference in the world, we are reminded that she herself came out of an ordinary, American middle-class background. When I think about Kelly's rise to fame and fortune from her cold and sterile everyday life, it reminds me, to a degree, of my own predicament: perpetual­ ly trying to elevate myself above the cold daily McGill grind and to make something of my days. Make a difference.

The had the opportunity to speak with Kelly while she was on a break from her busy European tour. Here's what she had to say:

Breakaway,

TriSSMUne

TriSSMUne: Hi Kelly! It's a true honour for us to be speak­ ing with an artist with as much cred as you! How's the tour going?

Kelly Clarkson: Uh... thanks. It's going really well.

T: How do you feel people react to your music? Are you often aware of the empowering effect you have upon people?

KC: To be quite honest, I can’t say that I do. And what's more, I don't necessarily think it's an artist's primordial responsi­

hands

off

my

~ 0 l t ~ 0 l t 6

w i t h

K e lly

C l a r k s o n

bility to "empower" the masses or what have you. I like to view my music as a creative outlet for experimentation into unchart­ ed sonic territory, as an observer's analysis of day-to-day life so to speak. I hope people will take it at face value, nothing more.

T: Well, that's what I meant. You put the day-to-day in per­ spective, find a way to express it in a way that'll make people feel better about their true potential. Isn't that what you've been try­ ing to emphasize since your win on KC: I saw American Idol as a platform for my ideas, but I was afraid to give it my all, for fear that mainstream culture in America, especially not on a program as trite as didn't have room for artists with, I guess you could say higher-brow aspira­ tions.

T: You know, I often think of the difference that you've made in sooo many people's lives all over the world and it's real­ ly quite striking. Is this something you pay any mind to in your inspirational process?

KC: No. T: Songs like "Since U Been Gone" affect people on such a fundamental level. It speaks to a lot of women going through hard breakups and rejection. Aside from your music, which speaks volumes, what advice would you give to someone who's going through hard times with a significant other, especially in hard times like these when people have such trouble keeping it together?

KC: Actually... the song is about schizophrenia. I was really inspired years ago by films like David Cronenberg's or David Lynch's and I wanted to present the disease the way it is experienced by a victim. Disorientation.

Americanidofi

Idol,

Spider

LostHighway,

Discombobulation. The song is about trying to have a discourse with a part of yourself that you simply can't communicate with.

You can't tell it to exist otherwise, to stop malfunctioning.

T: You mean malfunctioning like a bust relationship?

KC: No. T: Uh... urn... er... this interview is really changing my understanding of your music.

KC: You know, that implies you understood it in the first place.

T: What?

KC: Never mind. I've just... well, really never had someone approach my music from such an erroneous perspective.

T: How do you approach songwriting in general?

KC: I don't approach the songs so much as they approach me. Walter Murch, one of the great film editors of our time, said of artwork^You get to a place where time is not an issue at all, and you're oddly at the centre of things but also you are not.

You're the person doing it, yet the feeling is that you're not the origin of it, that somehow it' is happening around you, that you are being used by this thing to help bring it into the world." That’s how I feel about songwriting, Roz. I’m expressing myself merely as a symbiant entity in, oh I suppose you could say a Jungian col­ lective unconscious.

T: Wow. That's confusing.

KC: I don't think it's confusing so much as it requires a rather minute capacity for abstract thought.

T: What?

KC: Never mind.

canvas!!

Eykenography: G ert’s is Great!

I 've

been to Brutopia. I've checked out the St-Laurent strip. I've even tried my luck at Montreal's most exalted clubs: 737, Juice and Tokyo come to mind. But my idea of the ultimate out begins and ends at one place: Gert's.

Gert's is a fantastic bar. Its mind-boggling drink selec­ tion is beyond compare: They have not one, but two vari­ eties of [i forget, but this is true; i'll check what it is] on tap— solely for our enjoyment. And God knows the ever-smiling bartenders can mix a great martini. (Shaken, not stirred.)

Furthermore, the environment is accommodating to practically any pursuit one could possibly hope to under­ take. Ergonomic couches line the walls to facilitate relax­ ation. Dozens—nay, perhaps even televisions line the walls, sometimes showing games of hockey or soc­ cer to boil your blood, or sometimes merely indicating the title of the music track that so delights your ears. The music is always mellifluous—from the soulful gangster tracks of Fifty Cent [sic, please] to classic rock from the Toronto radio

thousands-oL

station Q107! It's always useful to know about the traffic sit­ uation in the T-dbt, and you can hear about it while apply­ ing the newest concept you've learned in physics class on the magnificent pool tables. It's a veritable utopia.

These are among the many reasons I don't understand why people don’t give Gert's the respect it deserves. It's the best place in the city to go, plain and simple. Look at it this way: You're already there when you finish class, so it saves you several trips. Furthermore, many of your friends are likely to pass through it at some point if you stay there for a sufficiently lengthy interval, at the very least for the pur­ pose of getting falafel.

The addition of Al Taib's pizza and delicious $2 falafel to Gert's has only added to an already gleaming allure.

However, it seems that this alliance is not necessarily hav­ ing the exact effect intended: people, I don't know who, seem to be coming into Gert's, buying lunch, and then buying a beverage from the bar. What’s more,

Some

not

ERIC VAN EYKENU

there have been reports that these people have been giv­ ing disdainful looks to some of the bar’s most regular patrons, as if there's something wrong with drinking at noon.

It may sound like I’m promoting alcoholism here, but really, I'm just trying to share the jo y of my favourite bar— and, to a lesser extent, engender campus unity. This bar could really bring us together. We just have to believe in it.

Frankly, I would spend ail of my time of Gert's if that were possible. I would even live there—perhaps I could build some sort of nest out of chairs and ashtrays in a cor­ ner. I believe Roz Freeman has already done something to this effect, and to my understanding, it's been working out well for her.

In conclusion, Gert's is excellent. In my opinion, it's Montreal's Next Big Thing, slated to explode all over the globe within the next year. Just wait and see. ■

M O N E Y ,

M O N E Y ,

M O N E Y

Freeman works her magic for the Pak McGill Dance Pak to get 95 per cent of athletics funding ROZ FREEMAN In a shocking move, Interim Athletics Direction Derek Drummond announced on Friday morning that the McGill Dance Pak had been upgraded to the newly-created Tier 1-A status. The decision grants the Dance Pak an unprecedented 95 per cent of the athletics budget. It also vir-tually ends all funding for the remaining McGill teams.

As a result of this decision, serious changes will be taking place at 475 Pins. The Redmen football team was told to clear out its locker room to make way for the Dance Pak. The Redmen will now be forced to use the bathrooms in the Currie Gym for until a suitable replacement can be found. Also, Drummond feels that his final decision as AD should be going to the sport that best exemplifies McGill Athletics, combining both sex and sport. He also believes that this deci­ sion will make the Dance Pak, a seldom heard of club, into the most competitive cheer-or "hype up squad"—in the country.

"For me, it was a no-brainer," Drummond said. "I means, ju st look at those girls. In my esti­ mation, their contributions to the Athletics Department are far more significant than any of the teams that we have had this year. The alumni and boosters don't want wins or championships; they want to get that special feeling that only the girls on the Dance Pak can provide."

The decision is coupled with allegation of a sex scandal. Sources close to the have indicated that out-going VP Parties and Propaganda and Dance Pak member Roz Freeman may have used her best assets to convince Dr. Drummond that this money was truly going to the right place.

When asked about these allegations, Drummond refused to answer any questions, but could not a hide a mischievous smile each time the subject was mentioned.

“I'm not going to comment about it," Drummond said. "Just know that their presentation really got my attention."

Freeman was ecstatic when contacted about the department’s decision to shift this massive amount of its budget into the Dance Pak's coffers.

"Man, this is so exciting," said the obviously“fla te d Freeman. "I mean, with all this money the team will be able to do so much to hype up the fans that no one will even remember that we had a football team.

"Also, this money will really come in handy during games where they only serve that filthy Molson swill. From now on, the Dance Pak will be pre-drinking in style with an endless supply of that God-sent brew, Boréale. I can't wait to crack open that first bottle of Rousse next season.”

When asked about allegation of coercion on her part. Freeman was a little more open than the Athletic Director, "Oh come on, we all know I'm hot,” Freeman said. "I was just showing Old Derek that if we had more money we could have more dancers like me. I mean, how do you think I got elected VP P&P in the first place?”

Also, due to these budget changes, the Athletics Department says, teams will have to make do with some serious changes to their operations. All teams had that previously received full funding will split the remaining five per cent of the pie. This means McGill will no longer be pay­

TriSSMUne

THE

REAL

RED

ing for transportation or hotels for teams that travel out of town. Athletes and coaches will no\ have to drive themselves to and from all events, and will be forced to spend the night in yout hostels.

This decision immediately affected the men's hockey, who were in the middle of th National Championships in Edmonton. After a stirring come-from-behind win on Thursday, th Redmen were abruptly awoken on Friday morning to learn that McGill had checked them out c their hotel rooms and sold their plane tickets back to Montreal. Head Coach Martin Raymon expressed his utter displeasure with the new decision quite eloquently.

"This is insane," Raymond said. "We're out here working our butts off and still get no respect from the university."

Other fallout from this decision was that fitness centre and Memorial Pool are both now the for the almost exclusive use of the Dance Pak. The only exception will be one hour a day between 9:30 and 10:30 p.m. Students who wish to use the facilities must first prove their worthiness by showing that they are capable of "bust­ ing a move." ■

Just look at them; you'd give them all your money, too.

Z O N E

AARON DONNY-CLARK an, it’s tough to be a commie. For past fifty years, our sports teams have been getting royally fucked by those capitalist pigs that can't seem to come to grips with their own bourgeois inadequacies and need to resort to cheating to keep the Red Man down.

Let's take the famous summit series in 1972 between the mighty Soviet Union and the puny little American pawn Canada. Quite frankly, we won that series—check the record books. The Soviet team scored more goals in that eight game sham of a series than those supposed "founders of hockey." Want more proof? Going into game six, the Soviet team was 3-1-1, needing to win just one of the final three games to claim ultimate victory. But in game six, that vicious dog Bobby Clarke of your Philadelphia Flyers deliberately slashed Valery Kharlamov, breaking the ankle of the great­ est player to lace up a pair of skates. While Kharlamov could barely play in the final two games, Clarke got off scotfree, with no further reprimand. Clearly the result of the international capitalist network making sure that such an important player not be punished for a crime that in Russia would have him sent to Siberia.

But enough about hockey; I’m giving you Canadians too much to be happy about.

M

Next, we come to the boycott of the 1980 Moscow Olympics. Now the Americans would have you believe that they boycotted the games in response to our so-called invasion of Afghanistan. However, the truth it much simpler.

The fact is that America, Canada and every other country that boycotted our Olympics simply had no shot at winning a medal and needed to justify why they were not going to show up by making up some B.S. story. More so, we never actually invaded Afghanistan. We entered the country because our socialist brothers needed us to help continue their dream of a Marxist paradise in the desert. There was no invasion; it was a clear invitation for us to aid them in their struggle of creating a truly classless society.

So, while they had absolutely no reason to boycott our games—unless you call cowardice a good reason—this clear and obvious insult gave us every reason to boycott their pitiful excuse for an Olympics in 1984. Let's not forget that the Yanks love to brag about winning 174 medals in Los Angeles, but could only do it when we weren't there. Not only that, they couldn't get a boycott right, as we won a record 195 medals in 1980 (all of which we would have won had the Americans been there.)

Finally, I will talk about America's most recent attempt

to devalue communist sport: The World Baseball Classic.

First, when the tournament was in the planning stages, it looked like that last remaining vestige of true Stalinism was going to get the shaft. The Americans feared that Castro's Cuban team would whip the competition and subsequent­ ly tried to have them banned from the event. Next, we weren't allowed to play in the United States until the semi­ finals because the Americans feared that some of our play­ ers would commit the cardinal sin and defect. I don't understand that rationale, as no one should want to leave Castro's Cuba. Finally, during the tournament, the umpires made many strange calls, with each one seeming to go in the Americans favour. I guess the capitalists really needed to cheat in this one, Too bad they could even make the semis while Cuba, with the deck totally stacked against us, finished second.

Clearly, we communists have been getting screwed in sports. We've been getting screwed for so long that I lost track. However, there is one thing as a communist that gives me hope for our sporting future: China has over 1.25 billion people; we can easily find a few more greats like Yao Ming among the masses of that great nation. ■

the mcgill tribune j 28.3.06 j a&e | |

FILM

Vengeance of the verbose vagabond V e n d e t t a

is

d e c e n t

J.S. HANCOX A movie's various trailers try to tell you something about the final product—genre, actors, basic plot and so on. But, more subtly, they often indicate how good the film ­ makers think it is. for exam­ ple, was never presented as a movie of substance or quality— though it did promise cheap thrills. on the other hand, offered itself as "an uncompromis­ ing vision of the future from the cre­ ators of the trilogy." This might explain my disappointment.

Now, don't get me wrong: is a fairly good movie. But it's hardly great-qualitatively, more like than the original though definitely not as bad as Its political commen­ tary—on the power of symbols, ideas and fear-is most likely accu­ rate, though nothing that wasn't said better by George Orwell. The action is well executed, but it's defi­ nitely not the driving force behind the film. The story, more than any­ thing, is about how a citizen goes from ordinary discontent and acceptance to proactive revolution.

To summarize: After various domestic and international crises, Britain has come under the control of a fascist-Christian party, which has established various 1984-esque laws. When ordinary citizen Evey Hammond (Natalie Portman) is caught out after curfew, only the intervention of the alliterative V (Hugo Weaving) saves her from all sorts of unpleasantness and abuse-legal and otherwise. Inviting her to a "symphony," he then pro­

TheFog,

Vfor Vendetta,

Matrix

Vendetta Reloaded Matrix, Revolutions.

s p r in g

Ü

T E S O L Certified 5 Days In-Class or Online/Correspondence

f a r e

ceeds to demolish a government building to the tune of the 1812 Overture. The next day, during V's takeover of a news studio, he is compelled to bring the unconscious Evey to his lair-she having just saved him from a government agent.

The movie follows three inter­ related plots: V's terror campaign to undermine the corrupt and totalitar­ ian governmental structure, Evey's own evolution and disassociation from the powerful and compelling State, and the efforts of a police detective to track down both of them. And what's the moral of the story? That the most dangerous

I

All A g e s *N o E xperience*N o D egree* thing in the world is not a bullet.

Guns are just toys. What end up changing the course of history are ideas.

In the end, whatever pulp majesty the source material—the graphic novel by Alan Moore and David Lloyd might have had, the movie fails to capture. isn't on its own terms— it was ju st a little over-hyped. See it if smashing the state is your bag, but don’t expect a movie as powerful and innovative in theme as It's a well-done mix of action, poli­ tics and the personal chronicles of those involved. And that is one of an expressive mask. ■

Vendetta

bad

1 -8 8 8 -2 7 0 -2 9 4 1 O ve rse as Jo b Guaranteed

D epartment of E nglish P rizes a n d A w a r d s The Kay M adver Memorial Prize

worth $500, for the best English essay by an undergraduate on a sub­ ject in the field of English Canadian or French Canadian literature, to be nominated by instructors

The Matrix. hell

C reative W riting The Mona Adilm an Prize in Poetry

worth $700 (or $350 for two students) is open to undergraduate or grad­ uate students registered in the Faculty of Arts for the best poem or group of-poems relating to ecological or environmental concerns The Clark Lewis Memorial Prize

worth $450, is open to major or honours students in the Department of English. The prize is awarded annually or from time to time for original plays staged in the course of the academic year.

The Peterson Memorial Prize

worth $2,000, is open to undergraduate or graduate students registered in

C a degree program in the Department of English with distinction in English

Literature (CGPA3.30 or above) who has also shown creative literary ability

The Lionel Shapiro Awards for Creative W riting

three prizes of $1,500 each, to be distributed if possible among the gen­ res of poetry, fiction, screen writing and playrighting. Each prize to be awarded on the recommendation of the Department of English to stu­ dents in the final year of the B.A. course who have demonstrated outsanding talent. (A note from your academic adviser verifying you will have completed your program requirements and the minimumcredits required by the Faculty of Arts by April 2006 MUST accompany your submission.)

T h e se co m p e titio n s a re restricted t o stu d e n ts w h o h a v e n o t p re v io u s ly w o n th e F irst P rize.

Fo rm s to b e co m p le te d (for th e cre a tiv e w ritin g p rize s a n d a w a rd s) a re a v a ila b le in th e D e p a rtm e n t o f E n g lish G e n e ra l O ffice, A rts . S u b m iss io n s m u st b e IN TRIPLICATE

very

155

ROTTENTOMATOES.COM

Deadline: T hursday, April 13, 2006

He's there, the Phantom of the Op... Oh. Nevermind.

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N IK I HYDE Live music rocks. This may seem like a self-evident statement, but in a generation in which the majority of our music experience is headphone-based, it's something we can easily forget.

Nowhere has this statement been proven more true than at the Editors show last Wednesday. It is rare to see an opening band, through sheer energy and stage presence, usurp the attention of the audience from the headliners.

Last week, a few hundred angsty music geeks filled the musty (but smoke-free) Cabaret Just for Laughs (2111 St-Laurent). After sit­ ting through a seemingly endless opening band going through some artistic growing pains, headliners Stellastarr* took the stage. Their entrance was a total shock for the audience, who expected opening band Editors to be the second act.

Upon scanning the crowd, it was easy to spot Editors fans repeat­ ing over and over, "Where the hell are the Editors?" Stellastarr* gave an energetic and spirited performance, but as a fellow audience member later remarked, they remained dis­ tant and never achieved the connec-

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tion with the audience that distin­ guishes a great band from merely a good one.

Finally, Editors took the stage, and ripped it the fuck apart.

Frontman Tom Smith led the crowd like a deranged messiah, singing with utter conviction while twisting his body and guitar into a rocking human pretzel. What really marked the difference between the Stellastarr* and Editors performanc­ es was not talent but passion.

Editors didn't merely play their songs, they drove them into the bodies and minds of audience members with a frenetic energy impossible to convey on their album.

This is not to say that their North American debut, is a weak effort. It's a modern nod to bands like The Cure and Joy Division, full of driving bass lines and

Room,

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w a t e r

angular guitar riffs. It's a sound we all know from groups like Interpol, The Killers, Franz Ferdinand and so on. is a thoroughly enjoyable album; the fast tracks rock hard and the more mellow ones contemplate love and loss with a dreamy detachment.

One surprise on the album is its closing track, "Distance": With an irregular beat, dreamy synthesizer and eerie vocals, it sounds more atmospheric than the rest of an oth­ erwise earthy album. In concert, Smith performed this song Chris Martin-style, seated at the synthesiz­ er with a blue halo of light surround­ ing his head. What this song and the concert proved is that Editors is a band worth keeping an eye on. is a strong debut from a promising band, who after this tour will hopefully find a sound to call their own. ■

The Back Room

The Back BackRoom

The

Femme Fatale. From the Abundance of the Heart, the Mouth Speaks. My roommate likes Dispatch. And Dave Matthews. And sometimes some blues-ish jazz, maybe. She's not a bad per­ son, but sometimes we get into inevitable squab­ bles. That's when the 11-minute onslaught of Femme Fatale's first release, by Jesse Keeler—half of the catchy, loud and trashy duo Death From Above 1979—comes in. "Can't you play something nice?" my roommate says. "Can't you play something with harmonies, and melodies?" My passive-aggresiveness has reached new heights, urged on by pounding bass. "FUCK NO!!" Louder. Cue rockout. I could dance to this music. I could kill a man to this music. Yet one glimpse at the liner notes avec lyrics and maybe I should sip a nice darjeeling tea along with this music. Or cry softly while touching myself. The lyrics, poetic if slightly over­ wrought, matter little, if at all, because Keeler screams them to within an inch of their lives with that sexy, worn out, cigarette-smoker's voice of his until they are unintelligible at best and painful at worst. What began as out­ ward aggression had lcarus-ed the shit out of me. I started the album with a slight headache, but by the seventh minute and the incessant musical clobbering of "I Talk With My Hands," I had a full-blown migraine. I'd been battle-axed in the face with music, though not in an entirely bad way. In fact, I think I liked it. If it weren't for the soothing, eerie instrumental outra I prob­ ably would have been bleeding from the ears or projectiling pea soup The last track is a necessity, a runner's five-minute cooldown or the frantic post-sex cigarette—the calm after a heart-pounding, back-breaking onslaught of noise.

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—Jade Blair

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ADAM MYERS The Redmen hockey team's storybook season came to an end on Saturday, with the final chapter left unfinished courtesy of the Alberta Golden Bears.

Playing in the TELUS University Cup for the first time in their history, the Red 'n' White put forth a valiant effort, but fell short of the national championship game by losing 5-1 to Alberta in the semi-finals. The Redmen will have to be content with an Ontario University Athletics Eastern Conference championship as their only title this year, but that doesn't mean they didn’t gain anything from the experience out West.

"What we achieved this season with a rookie-filled line-up speaks volumes for our heart and work ethic," forward Ken Davis said. "It was a great accomplishment for us and a huge step for our hockey program."

The Redmen opened the tournament Thursday evening against Wilfred Laurier University in what turned out to be a wild affair. McGill had taken the first two matchups with the Golden Hawks quite handily earlier in the season, but that was when Laurier was struggling. This was certainly a different team, and it showed on the scoreboard as the Golden Hawks opened up a 3-1 lead just three minutes into the third period.

But the Redmen, as they did all season, climbed back into the game with a goal by Yan Turcotte-playing his first game in six weeks after recovering from a torn leg muscle—at 11:33 of the period. McGill struck again to tie things up with just 1:09 left in regulation. With goaltender Mathieu Poitras on the bench and six attackers on the ice, Lucas Madill put home his second goal of the game. The first overtime solved nothing, but the Redmen completed the comeback when Shawn Shewchuk scored the double overtime winner. "[McGiH] showed tremedous composure in the first game when they got down," said Bob Stauffer University of Alberta's communications officer and broadcast director, as well as the host of drive show "Total Sports" on Team 1260, Edmonton.

"They had the confidence that they would come back. Poitras was really steady and it was extremely tough for them to lose David Urquhart [to injury]."

Champs come through in the clutch The victory set up Saturday evening's tilt against power­ house Alberta with a birth in the national championship game on the line. While McGill was enjoying its day off, Alberta had set up the showdown to get into the gold medal game by thrashing Laurier 8-2, and they kept up that momentum by scoring early in the first period to take a 1-0 lead. The score could have been

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much worse if not for Poitras, as McGill survived an offensive onslaught in the first ten minutes of the game that saw the Golden Bears outshoot the Redmen 10-1.

"When a school is 106-3-3 at home in the last six seasons, it gives a fair amount of confidence," Stauffer said. "Poitras played really well again, but there were more reasons than just goaltending that McGill was in this game. They were well coached, have a good transition game, and they were technical­ ly prepared."

Having kept themselves in the game, the Redmen were awarded their second power play of the period at 12:30. What had been the team's strength all year continued to be, as Ken Davis tied things up by scoring with the man advantage. That was as close as McGill would get, though, as the Golden Bears regained the lead on a power play of their own in the first half of the second period.

The Redmen continued to stick around against the over­ powering, top-ranked Golden Bears, butjust couldn’t hold off the onslaught. Alberta put the game away with two goals in 36 sec­ ondsjust five minutes into the final frame, and added a fifth goal on a breakaway with just over a minute left to put an exclama­ tion mark on the victory. Alberta was able to break down McGill's vaunted penalty kill, going 2-7 on the power play, and outshot the Redmen 41-22.

"McGill was poised to have a shot to win only being down 2-1 after two periods," Stauffer said. "Against McGill there was some nervousness in the building after the second period. The Golden Bears playing on home ice created the third goal. It was a puck that in many rinks would have ricocheted around the boards but in [Clare Drake] these bounces are common. Poitras gave up a tough one on the fourth.

"The Redmen showed a lot of character and played with a lot of class," he added. "When they got down, they acted with class. Sometimes you see guys take unnecessary liberties [when the score gets out of hand] but McGill didn't do that and that's the sign of respect from both players and coaches."

Bears two much for the field The Golden Bears faced off against the pool B champions and OUA winners Lakehead on Sunday night in a winner-take-all game at the Rexall Centre. The Bears clinched their second con­ secutive championship and 12th overall with a 3-2 victory over the Thunderwolves, in a game that saw all five goals scored in the first period.

But even though McGill wasn't playing in the final game, the team will look ahead to next year with much optimism. The Redmen have 10 freshmen, and Poitras, the OUA player of the

COURTESYMcGILLATHLETICS McGill's brilliance from Thursday could not carry over to a national title. year, will be entering just his third year of eligibility. McGill will lose Doug Orr and team captain Pierre-Antoine Paquet, but sen­ iors Ken Davis and Benoit Martin both have another year of eli­ gibility remaining and may return. With invaluable experience gained in this year's tourney—and the fact that the 2007 University Cup will take place in Moncton, denying Alberta its home ice advantage—the Redmen appear to have an excellent shot at returning to the tournament and perhaps even winning the whole thing.

Stauffer, for one, is bullish about the future of the McGill program.

"It took them 43 years for them to make the national cham­ pionship, but it won't take that long for them to get back." ■

ZONE R e c o n s id e r fa ls e

id o l

w o r s h ip RICKI GURWITZ

rofessional sports receive unparalleled worldwide atten­ tion, so it's no surprise that pro athletes are idolized as superhuman by fans all over the globe. However, these athletes' images are directly based on their performances, and often, many of the shortfalls they lay upon society are ignored.

Journalists, for fear of losing future interviews, do not report information from beyond the playing surface, such as details of the superstars' private lives. The often illegal and unethical practices that are so common among these ath­ letes are rarely exposed to the public. But should these play­ ers be idolized for their achievements regardless of their per­ sonal scandals, which may serve to discredit them?

Though often secretive, the extramarital affairs perpetu­ ated by many male athletes are alarming. Wives and children become of no consequence to these travelling stars who receive attention from ready and willing women in each city they visit. Hockey players are reputed to be some of the worst offenders. In fact, the entire Philadelphia Flyers team was spotted in Buona Notte on a recent trip to Montreal.

Each player—even ones who were married with families—

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was paired with a woman with whom he later left.

Basketball, football and baseball players are also generally acknowledged as unfaithful to their spouses.

Indeed, when they're on the road, athletes are always looking for a good time, and paying for sex is not out of the question. In 2001, the Gold Club, an Atlanta strip club, was charged with—among other crimes—soliciting prostitution.

Several high profile athletes were subpoenaed to testify on the grounds that they paid money in exchange for sex. NBA star John Starks was among the several athletes confirmed to have had sex with Gold Club strippers. And Antonio Davis, then a happily married Raptor, was also named among the offenders.

One of the most famous and widely reported cases of cheating occurred last year when Kobe Bryant was accused of raping a woman in Denver. Though the rape charges were later dropped, the fact that he engaged in extramarital sex with a hotel worker remained. Kobe received negative press around the world and his status as an idolized basketball player was seriously jeopardized. Nevertheless, within sever­ al months of superhuman like basketball efforts, the atten­

tion died down and his iconic status was restored.

This reflects a serious problem within our own society.

We are so enamoured with prodigious athletes that their unethical acts have no consequence on the idyllic way we perceive them. By ignoring their transgressions, we allow athletic ability to overshadow decent human behaviour and belittle its importance.

A wise man once said that with great power comes great responsibility. Professional athletes have great power and influence, yet they clearly lack any duty to engage in appropriate moral behaviour. We must therefore look within our own consciences to decide whether it is acceptable to separate performance on the court from backstage dealings when deciding the merit of their iconic status.

This dilemma is unique to each individual based on their own moral code and athletic appreciation. But based on the constantly high level of athletic hero worship in our society, most people seem to be of the opinion that charac­ ter doesn't matter. This fact indicates a disturbing reality when it comes to the ethics of modern society and which qualities we value in public figures. ■

14 sports | 28.3.06 | the mcgill tribune PERSPECTIVE — THE

UNIVERSITY

CUP Gimme some Mo

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DAVID BLYE Quick question: What's the oldest national championship trophy in Canadian college sports? The Vanier Cup? Nope. The Molinex Trophy awarded for women's rugby supremacy? Not even close. No, checking in as the oldest continuously played tourna­ ment in Canada is the University Cup, awarded to the national champion in men's hockey, which was con­ tested for the 44th time this past weekend in Edmonton.

The trophy was donated to the Canadian Interuniversity Athletics Union, the predecessor to the CIS in 1962 by Queen's University and Royal Military College. The two schools played in what is consid­ ered to be Canada's first organized intercollegiate hockey game, and with their donation, they were given the honour of jointly hosting the first two national championships.

But after the 1964 tournament, the CIAU put the tourney on tour. For the next 25 years, the champi­ onship was held in different cities across Canada, bringing the biggest tournament in college hockey to seldom used venues such as Sudbury, Regina, Lennoxville and Trois Rivières. During this period, the league experimented with a number of formats for the tournament.

"Prior to 1987, we used many different ways to determine a champion," says CIS Media and Publications Officer Michel Bélanger. "The tourna­ ment was initially staged as a final four with the top teams in the country meeting in one city. Later, we tried other formats, such as NCAA-like regional play­ offs and national championship, which was played at three different venues. We also tried using both a best of three series and a two game, total goal play­ off before we settled on the current format."

In 1987 and '88, the CIAU made its biggest changes to date. In 1987, the league set up the sixteam, two-pool format that is still used today. Then in 1988, it began staging the University Cup in Toronto.

Initially held hosted by University of Toronto at Varsity Arena, it was later reacquired by the CIAU and held at a neutral venue—one that just happened to be Canada's most famous arena, Maple Leaf Gardens.

"During that time, we organized the tournament much like we did with the Vanier Cup," Bélanger says.

"At the time, some of the schools were not seen as strong enough to host the event, and there was not as much incentive to host it. However, after 1997, there was a renewed interest from the universities to individu­ ally stage the tournament and we opened it up, much like we did last year with the Vanier Cup."

when the tournament was jointly staged by Guelph University, Wilfrid Laurier University and the University of Waterloo. In both years, one of these three schools received an automatic bid, but neither managed to make it out of the opening round. Guelph's perform­ ance was quite dismal in 2002, as it failed to win either of the games they played.

In addition, University of Alberta Communi­ cations Officer and Broadcast Director Bob Stauffer provides a very telling stat about the tournament.

"Since it has gone to its current format, it has been very difficult for road teams to compete at the University Cup," Stauffer says. "In fact, since 1998, no team that has flown to the tournament has gone on to win it."

That trend held this year—to the detriment of the Redmen—and these incidences would seem to indi­ cate the benefit of restoring the tournament to a neu­ tral site.

Game gaining ground nationally Though the home team may have an undue advantage in the tournament's present form, the benefits appear to outweigh the drawbacks. Since the tournament was opened back up to allow individual institutions to host it, attendance and interest have gone up, and the competition has been covered on national TV. "In my four years with CIS, the tournaments in both Fredericton and Edmonton were very success­ ful," Belanger says. "In 2003 and 2004, every game in the tournament was sold out. They had around 3,500 people at every one of those games. Also, the past two tournaments in Alberta have been very well attended. Every U of A home game was sold out, and the finals at Rexall Place drew massive numbers. This year, there were over 7,500 at Sunday's final and last year's final between Alberta and Saskatchewan drew over 10,000, which is incredible for CIS hockey."

Even though the thrill of playing at the Gardens is gone, the atmosphere is not. With more fans attending these games recently, the University Cup tournament is looking stronger than it has ever been before. Even with host teams having an unfair advan­ tage, university hockey fans—and those who run the CIS—are willing to pay that price when the product on the ice is so solid. ■

The Cup hits the road Starting in 1998, the University Cup has been staged across the country, with tourna­ ments being held in Saskatoon, Fredericton, Waterloo and Edmonton. While this decision allows the CIS to put on an event they can be proud of and reap revenue from hosting, it is not without its caveats.

The teams that stage the tournaments are given an auto­ matic bid into the event, regard­ less of their performance during LEGENDS0FH0CKEY.NET the season. This problem was evident in 2001 and 2002, Look how happy Western was winning the University Cup in 2002.

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unday was a special day for me, as it marked my first experience at the Around the Bay road race in Hamilton, Ont., a 30-kilome­ tre event that doubles as the oldest race in North America. And it's not just some "fund the public library" charity fun run either. The runners at the front of the pack in Hamilton are the same ones lead­ ing the way in the Boston Marathon every year.

Obviously I wasn't a participant, but I owe my first opportunity as a running spectator to my friend Jamie, a lifelong runner in his first major race. Ardent sports fan that I am, I knew that the race would be fun. I just didn't know how it would be fun. I honestly couldn't even guess as to what makes a race enjoyable to watch. So, armed with signs of encouragement for Jamie, his estimated split times, a Hamilton street map and an open mind, several of us were set to stalk the race like storm chasers on the tail of a tornado.

We started the race about a kilometre down from the starting line, which gave us a great view of the field while still in a pack. I'm hardpressed to think of anything asjarring as seeing a street filled as far as the eye can see with people who bother to bend the brim of a hat, in souvenir t-shirts, fanny packs and Lycra pants. They looked like an army of tourist sausages.

The plan was to keep driving ahead and greeting Jamie at various points along the course, but this was made exceptionally difficult by the fact that neither the race organizers nor the city of Hamilton gave out any information on road closures. This almost caused a terrible accident when we were cut off by a late-arriving police escort and nearly ran over the lead group of runners in the 5K race.

Essentially, instead of making it easy for visitors to follow along with Hamilton's greatest achievement, the city instead opened the door for us to get lost in its industrial end, observe massive clouds of smoke billowing from smokestacks and wonder just how appropriate Hamilton is as the host of such a prominent race.

In fact, we didn't catch up to the race until the 15K water station, which provided plenty of comedy as the volunteers got a little too competitive in trying to hand out cups of water. Two 12-year-old Water boys were especially aggressive, and almost collided with runners as they crossed the street and jockeyed for position before they were finally given a "time out" by their supervisor and forced to sit on the side of the road.

To be honest, random sequences like that were necessary to keep things fresh, because race fans are left to their own devices for much of the time. Whenever Jamie did run by, we had literally six or seven seconds in which to cheer him on, and it was back to the car to scramble ahead in the course. So we were left to amuse ourselves, for example by debating how long it must have taken the Greek sol­ dier who ran the first marathon to complete the 42-kilometre distance.

I clocked him at three hours and 45 minutes.

But only the Around the Bay run mattered that day, and things got exciting at the 25K mark, where runners faced off against a gru­ elling hill in the stretch run while spectators were met with a hot dog stand featuring the best dogs in the city. My disconnect with the com­ petitors was immortalized when, moments after finishing off an Italian sausage, I ran alongside Jamie for about 10 strides before complain­ ing about a stomach ache. No more than 30 seconds after that, a run­ ner who had ran out of gas staggered off the course directly in front of us and had to be caught and gently assisted to the ground by spec­ tators, making me look, feel and sound like a jackass.

But witnessing that runner's breakdown reminded me just how impressive a feat this run is, and I couldn't help but feel a thrill when we were back in Copps Coliseum watching runners cross the finish line. For all its quirks, attending a race is a unique and fun experience.

It’s much like how I envision seeing golf live, only better, because you can race around an entire city, not a golf course.

In an ideal situation, though, that city wouldn't be Hamilton. ■

S

Let's face it, FHamilton isn't a fun place to run.

the mcgill tribune | 28.3.06} sports }5 TW O -PO IN T

CONVERSION

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ADAM MYERS and GENEVIEVE FRIESEN With recent health and fitness crazes, people are flocking to gyms all over the place, and McGill students areho different, But all those gym-goers turned the paltry McGill Fitness Centre into a giant sardine can. Luckily, McGill provided-or, more accurately, shook out of students' pockets-$5-million for improvements, which has greatly upped the gym's size.

But it seems students became accustomed to working out within extremely small confines. Even with all the extra space available, it feels like someone is always right on top of you, turn­ ing the gym experience into a free-for-all of helpless people try­ ing to fend for themselves.

The gym, however, is not very different from the golf course.

On the latter, there is a set of unwritten rules that help competi­ tors govern the game. They are simple things, like not talking dur­ ing someone's backswing, not stepping on someone's line, fixing divots and not hitting your ball onto the green when someone's on it-unless you really are trying to speed up a slow group.

Many of these general etiquette rules can be applied to the gym as well, although tweaked to fit the gym-users' routine. So the Tribune hereby presents the following set of rules to be applied at the gym.

Always bring a towel to the gym. This towel should then be used to cover/wipe down the equipment that you have just used. Whether this is a machine, a weight bench or a treadmill, the towel is necessary to use. No one wants to use a wet machine full of someone else's sweat.

At the McGill gym, the way to get a cardiovascular exercise machine is to sign up for the half hour allotted to use that par­ ticular machine. People are badly misusing this system. First of all, get the fuck off the machine after your time is up. The last thing anyone wants to do is go for a 26-minute run because some idiot felt they were entitled to an extra four minutes.

If you do sign up, use your brain and don't double-book a machine. This happened to me over the weekend. Some moron signed up for the exact same time as me right below my book­ ing. I had to waste time kicking him off the machine; to make

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matters worse, he didn't even wipe it down after he left.

Proper attire required. All too often, there are women jogging away in pants that are too tight with shirts that are too short, leav­ ing no midsection to the imagination. And don't even start with the old men in the short shorts. Those are best left where they came from, in the childrens section at Running Room.

For the most part, men should be donning basketball shorts paired with a t-shirt. While wife beaters can be sexy at times, the gym is not one of these times. Ladies, if not rocking the McGill girl-typical Lulu Lemon ensemble, should not dress as though they're members of spandex-not-so-anonymous. A fitted t-shirt on top and either shorts or pants on the bottom should be the norm for a lady.

Minty-Fresh. While no one's BO smells like roses, there is a certain amount of courtesy vis-à-vis your personal body odour that must be taken when working out. There's nothing worse than getting on to a treadmill only to disvocer that the guy run­ ning beside you reeks of his manliness. No one should have to forgo their workout because you decided that you didn't need to apply your deodorant this morning. And in any case, you don’t really want to be that guy who leaves his stench behind, so wear a clean shirt, put on some deodorant, and you're good to go.

Picking up. Don't do it. While it can be fun at times to chat up that cutie who's caught your eye, it inevitably leads to awk­ ward situations if you keep doing it. And then, you're that creepy person from the gym who just can't take a hint.

Finally, note that the mirrors are there for a purpose. It is much easier to perform an exercise while watching your form. So if you are one of those people who just stands around the dumbbell area and schmoozes, making it feel cramped for every­ one, at least have the courtesy to get out of the way of someone who is lifting weights and trying to watch their form in the mirror.

There are Obviously many more rules that could have been mentioned, but alas, article length restraints prevented addition­ al rants. Still, these simple rules, if abided by, will make the gym­ going experience more pleasant for everyone. Please keep eti­ quette in mind because, after all, we're all going to the gym for the same reason: in order to justify another night of drinking and late night pizza. ■

VLADIMIREREMIN Get the hell out of the way, jerk.

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P U B L I S H E D , C O N T R O L L E D A N D E N T I R E L Y D O M I N A T E D BY T H E S T U D E N T S ' S O C I E T Y O F M C G I L L U N I V E R S I T Y ____________ Vol. I Issue I i Saturday, April 1, 2006

S S M U p ro u d to p re s e n t th e T r iS S M U n e !

New TriSSMUne Editor-in-Chief Adam Conter cracks the whip, as he heads up the first editorial board meeting of the rechristened publication. Confer s first act was to make his staff aware of the paper s motto: '100 per cent less bungling, 100 per cent more fantasticainess!"

Execs prom ise an end to ‘journalistic to m fo o le ry ’ a fte r taking o v e r paper follow ing editorial b o a rd ’s mass resignation ADAM CONTER In a move that will make campus' weekly publication much better than it ever was in the first place, Students' Society exeutives will pull double duty and act as newspaper editors in the wake of the resignations of McGill Tribune Editor-in-Chief Liz Allemang and other Tribune editors.

"Who better to do anything than the SSMU exec?," asked SSMU President and TriSSMUne Editor-in-Chief Adam Conter.

"You type some words, take some pictures, throw them all on the page—design is especially easy—and it just comes together. I wrote three articles in between rounds of beer pong last night."

Allemang resigned her post last Thursday evening following months of erratic behaviour. Managing Editors Jennifer Jett and Andrew Segal handed Conter a joint letter of resignation the fol­ lowing day, and the rest of the Editorial Board is presumed to have also resigned after the Tribune office was found empty and ransacked.

Roz Freeman, VP Communications and Events and new fea­ tures editor was thrilled by the turn of events. "This is a fantastic day for SSMU and the McGill community at large," she said.

The resignations occurred after a motion to censure Allemang passed at SSMU Council in a 24 to 0 vote. The motion

was brought to council by Arts Senator Malek Yalaoui after she had received written complaints from students about an article published in the Tribune.

The article, entitled "I love puppies," written by Traci Johnson and published in the March 21 edition, was "blatantly discriminatory against both full-grown dogs and kittens," Yalaoui claimed. Her motion was seconded by Science Senator and dog enthusiast Jesse Pasternak.

After the motion passed, Allemang threw a chair through the window and stormed out of the Lev Bukhman Council Room. This action required contractors to be brought in to replace the window at great expense to the Society.

VP Finance and Operations Eric Van Eyken swiftly seized the opportunity to reclaim the paper, which had been wandering down what he described as "the road to self-destruction." He proposed a motion that the Tribune henceforth be known as the TriSSMUne. The motion passed in a 23 to 1 vote. The only oppo­ sition came from VP Clubs and Services Leon Mwotia who instead suggested that the Tribune be renamed Mwotia's

Musings.

In an exclusive interview with the TriSSMUne, Conter said, "SSMU is happy to take the reigns of the most widely-read stu­ dent publication at McGill. Ms. Allemang's low moral standards

will not be missed by the student population.

He acknowledged that her low-cut shirts would be missed by some.

Newly installed Oppression Editor and Arts Representative Max Silverman threatened Conter with a whipping based upon hearing the inappropriate and misogynist tones of his statement.

Conter retracted the comment.

Of his goals for the paper, VP External Aaron Donny-Clark said, "Gone are the days of journalistic tomfoolery. I am opti­ mistic that the TriSSMUne will become a voice of the students now, or at least voice of SSMU. It will no longer be an apolitical monopoly."

"And it's a great excuse for us all to buy those 'Press' hats,” Conter added.

Though the Tribune editorial board could not be reached for comment, most likely because they are irresponsible and unruly, the TriSSMUne was contacted by Jett, who was calling from a payphone in Texas to check if she left her wallet and shoes in the office.

Jett did not respond to questions about her Tribune co-edi­ tors' whereabouts or provide commentary on SSMU's takeover of her former employer. Instead she asked if tumbleweed was edible and hung up. ■ ’

new s CAMPUS

M a k in g th e g r a d e M c G ill fin a lly

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c o n tro v e rs ia l A + +

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Rumour has it students are planning to jump Asperger after class, take his lunch money and change the colour-coding in his notes without explaining the new system to him.

Students are outraged over the introduction of a new letter grade in the McGill grading sysWatch your back’ Winston- ■ tem-the A++-saying it sets impossible standards. Its proponents, meanwhile, say the grade is intended to reward the achievements of students who are better than you.

"Look," said Dean of Science Martin Grant in an interview, "all this grade will do is further distinguish and placate our highest-achieving students-you know, the ones \ that no one likes."

The A++, long supported by the Faculty of Science, would recognize grades 98 and above and earn students a 4.6 GPA. Arts students, who are still in search of the > J? elusive A-, are less supportive. o ’ "I don't believe this shit," said one Political Science student who asked to remain ( \ \ anonymous. "There's no way an Arts student can get an A++. I mean, I completely y plagiarized an essay by John Rawls, and my TA gave it a B+, saying my argument lacked depth.”

Administrators surreptitiously approved the proposal at Senate last week while student senators were in the hallway taking advantage of the delicious, delicious cook­ ies set out as refreshments before the meeting.

■4L "What? They passed the A++?" Arts Senator Ryan Stoa asked incredulously out­ oV'5l V * * * * * * side the meeting. "We’ll have to do something about that right away. Fuck, these cook­ ies are good. Want one?" * The McGill TriSSMUune tracked down the one student who actually qualifies for the A++, asking him for comment outside the Schulich Library of Science and Engineering.

"Finally, the university has granted me the special recognition I deserve," said ■ v Winston Asperger, U3 Joint Flonours Really Strenuous Physics and Even More 7 Strenuous Ass-Kissing. "Can we go back inside the library now? The natural light hurts my eyes."

As you can see, grades at McGill decrease proportionally to drinking, divided by the square of bong hits.

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ERIC VAN EYKEN Students' Society of McGill University Vice-President Finance & Operations (and resident über-hunk) Eric Van Eyken announced to council last week that he had finally found a solu­ tion to the dilemma that for many years has been plaguing Gert's, the Students' Society's resident bar. Starting in the fall, said Van Eyken to rousing cheers from SSMU council members, Gert's will be converted from its "current, boring façade" into something that Van Eyken says will rival the "best Parisian broth­ els."

"It's going to be magnificent," said Van Eyken during a post­ council research project at SuperSexe with the other SSMU exec­ utive members. "I feel that the six of us have more than enough experience with these types of establishments, and we're going to be able to create something that even the principal will be proud of."

Gert's, which has lost money for five consecutive years, has struggled to remain afloat. Van Eyken pledged when he took office that he would spend as many waking hours possible in the establishment, in the hopes that his presence would be accom­ panied by the "Van Eykenites," a group who he describes as ”my regular bevy of beauties." However, Gert's somehow continued to slide financially over the past year and was facing closure until the announcement at council last Thursday.

SSMU President Adam Conter, who was a vocal supporter of the idea (and constantly yearns for abs that rival Eyken's), said he is considering delaying his graduation another year to be able to assist next year's executive with the implementation of this plan.

"It’s tough to tear yourself away from great ideas," said Conter. "When I see Gert's now, I see sterility and blandness.

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We're going to turn Gert's into a veritable palace of sensuality, the envy of campus strip clubs all across North America. I'm already in consultation with the managers of Montreal's best male and female clubs on beginning a revolutionary student-stripper exchange program. I'm taking dance classes as we speak to further enhance my already impressive skills."

Conter added that all SSMU executives, past and present, would have automatic VIP access, a fact he says will heavily influence any decision he makes.

Gert's manager Wallace Sealy said that he hopes renovations will begin immediately.

"We’re bringing in women and men to audition beginning next week, and at the end of April we’ll be closing our doors to bring in the new furniture." Sealy said that Gert's has recently purchased, among other things, eight brass poles, a fog machine, red strobe lights and "all the velvet we could get our hands on."

Asked whether he had consulted with his suc­ cessor, David Sunstrum, before announcing the Gert's changes, the awesome Van Eyken responded enthusiastically that he had.

"Of course, Sunny and I had been planning this for a while," said Van Eyken. "We’ve been scouting other locations every night for months now, picking up decorat­ ing ideas, recruiting talent. We don't do anything half-assed around here. I use my full ass. And you can be sure that our employees will, too," Van Eyken said with a knowing smile. ■

Women and men interested in applying for a Gert's dancing position for the 2006/07 school year can contact Eric Van Eyken at 398-6802.

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We would have even more articles for you online, if only we could run a Web site.

Sorry.

the mcgill tribune | 1.4.06| news IN

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■ After many weeks of stupidly fighting the iron fist of the Students' Society, the Union for Gender Empowerment and Queer McGill finally agreed to begin the process of merging last week.

Adam Conter, our fearless leader, was on hand for the ceremonial demolition of the wall between a s k s f o r m o r e m o n e y the two offices.

"This is a great step forward for the delivery of SSMU services," Conter said. "Now everyone can just stop whining and get to work."

AARON DONNY-CLARK Conter told assembled journalists that he had never understood the objections to the plan in the first place.

The Students' Society last week took the courageous but ultimately correct step of formal­ "This was a good idea when Leon first proposed it, and it's a good idea now," he said. "Why ly severing its ties not only with la Fédération Étudiante Universitaire du Québec, SSMU's former you reporters made such a huge provincial lobby organization, but also with the city of Montreal, the province of Quebec and deal about it always amazed me.”

• Gazing through the massive Canada itself. The move follows a similar vote last fall in which SSMU Council voted unanimous­ hole in the concrete, both groups of ly to withdraw from the Canadian Alliance of Student Associations, an ineffectual federal lobby executives seemed resigned to the group that wasted students' time and money with its dithering efforts at self-aggrandizement. inevitability of the coming change.

La FEUQ had been under fire for weeks for failing to fill the federal lobbying role that CASA "Well, now that there's this once played, and several SSMU executives had proposed leaving the organization in protest. huge hole in the wall I guess we Vice-President External Aaron Donny-Clark, the vigorous young leader of McGill's student move­ can get a bigger couch," said Queer ment, was at the vanguard of the effort to rid SSMU of all levels of external representation. He McGill co-administrator Floh Herra introduced last week's motion.

Vega.

"Our integrity as an organization really, really rests—it rests upon our. Our—well, see—integri­ Herra Vega said that the two ty is," Donny-Clark proclaimed at last week's Council meeting. "We must refuse to associate services might also look at combin­ with—well, really—those people with whom we—and I mean all of us—disagree. I—and all of us— ing the contents of their fridges, and maybe get a new plant to dis­ have already really—well—really, we. La FEUQ." tract from the construction debris.

Max Silverman, the recently acclaimed successor to Donny-Clark, agreed wholeheartedly "We'll probably also repaint," with his vigorous young mentor. she said. "A nice, gender-neutral "For now, I will only speak with real student lobby groups, and as such will not engage in colour." any sort of relationship with la FEUQ," he said. "I have nothing against them in principle, and I She said that the combined hope for the day when they will again be a source of pride on campus. In the meantime, they 20-member executive would meet can go [help] themselves." early next week to form a decorat­ As for SSMU's secession from the municipal, provincial and federal levels of government, ing committee that would take into Donny-Clark argued that the move was necessary to demonstrate SSMU's seriousness about account the wishes of all the dis­ being "really, really unpleasant" to any jurisdiction that callously refused SSMU's demands for tinct factions of the service.

The celebration of the wall more university money. coming down was briefly interrupt­ "If they-well, you know-1 mean the federal and provincial governments. If they won't payed when a large creaking sound well, I mean—if they won’t give more money to students, maybe we don’t want to—urn—the was heard coming from the ceiling. thing is," he declared.

"I was worried for a second," While SSMU’s departure from la FEUQ was heralded across campus as yet another young said vice-president Backed the and vigorous Donny-Clark coup, students initially expressed some reservations about the spate Other Guy Eric van Eyken. "But of unilateral secessions. However, most students seemed to understand the logic behind the when I realized that Aaron had seen to the details of the démoli- | move.

"I should've gone to fucking Queen's," said Monique Mull, U2 Religious Studies. tion, I knew that everything was The vigorous young VP external did express some regret that SSMU had decided to leave going to be fine."

Vice-president Communist Montreal, however, explaining that the move was more of a consequence of its new relation­ Relations Aaron Donny-Clark con­ ship with the province and country than a deliberate rejection of the metropolis itself. firmed that he had been responsi­ "We all-well, I, and other people—we really like Montreal a lot. But the city is—um-a lack­ ble for getting the contractors in. ey of the neoconservative elements endemic within the current provincial social-fiscal establish"They said it would be easier ! ment. ReaIly—Really—Real ly, we," he asserted, adding that the City had been neglecting its to use explosives, but I really want­ responsibility to salt the sidewalk in front of the Shatner building for several dozen consecutive ed the wall to come down by the winters, and that he hoped this would send the appropriate message. power of the people," he said.

"They'll all-very much, I think, they-they'll be listening to what I have-well," he pro­ The word didn't get out far nounced, "mostly—what I have to say now."

Conter: bringing bedroom tactics to the boardroom since '83. enough in advance, however, limit­ Donny-Clark also emphasized his commitment to holding a referendum on any future ing people power' to the handful secessions involving SSMU. He has already threatened to call a referendum on secession from of SSMU executives and Daily news writer Jesse Rosenfeld.

North America if the United States continues to refuse his demand to elect a less repugnant "Sometimes student journalists don't cover what we want them to cover," Conter told the TriSSMUne. "And we’re so underfunded we can't afford to advertise." Conter said that Vice-President leader in that country's next federal election, scheduled for 2008.

Booze and Partying Roz Freeman had tried to send out a mass e-mail to inform students of the "Well-you know, there's no-really, no federal representation anyway," he announced. "I event, but SSMU's e-mail server was down. was thinking—I don't—maybe, really, if we could. The European Union supports education much As for the potential structural damage, Donny-Clark said the rumbling throughout the Shatner more than—I think we could petition for membership. Turkey had—The thing is—well, underfundbuilding had concerned him, but he was sure the building would hold. ing-if just Ottawa gave us enough for-um-the applications."

"This place has seen a lot over the past few decades," he said. "I’m sure it’s going to be around Meanwhile, reaction from the university has been mixed. for at least a few more."

"Who are you?" asked McGill Principal Heather Monroe-Blum. "I don't have any money for Conter said that he was confident the newly-merged services would soon adjust to life under you, now get away from my car. I have a shiv, and I think we both know no one will miss you." the same roof.

Currently, Donny-Clark is working in conjunction with Vice-President Deficit Spending Eric "Without the wall here, they should just face facts,” he said. "There's no real reason that the Van Eyken to find room in the SSMU budget for a passport office and a small mint. ■ groups should be separate anymore." ■ ' •

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R O Z FREEMAN____ ny undergrad can tell you that there's more to university than classes and midterms- par­ ticipation in campus events, clubs and parties is an integral part of the McGill experience.

No student wants to leave feeling as though they just "went to school” here, and extra cur­ ricular activities are one way to ensure that you won't. But what are you to do when you’re enrolled in as many clubs as your schedule will allow for, you spend every Thursday at Gert’s, you've been published in ever campus paper and you still feel something missing? There's a simple solution—sex on campus.

I remember my first foray into this field (it was lower field, actually) with perfect clarity. It was a balmy September night, and I was but a doe-eyed freshman, full of hopes, dreams and that sweet nectar known only as Boréale. As I stumbled home from Gert’s, the young man who had kindly offered to escort me home suggested that we walk through campus. A few moments later, we found ourselves by the James McGill statue, on our backs and gazing at the sky. I sighed, and marveled aloud how such a wonderful, perfect university could exist, and how truly

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wished I could make love to it. In that moment, both Sean (or maybe his name was Dave...either way, story still applies) and I realized that while my wish was impossible, there was an easier and equally fun alternative. So as the summer wind rustled the leaves above us and James McGill knowingly looked on, Sean/Dave ushered me in to a new and thrilling era of my life.

It's true that many would consider getting down to business in a public place to be a cheap, tawdry and ever-so-mildly exhibitionist act-one that would only be engaged in by cheap, tawdry exhibitionists. However, dropping trou' within the confines of the Milton gates is not only an exhilarating way to spice up your sex life, it’s one of the purest and simplest ways a student can express their love of McGill. Whether getting your rocks off by the Roddick gates, or getting down to business in Burnside, students all over campus are feeling the love.

As a testament to this fact stands the Facebook community, ”1get off by having sex on cam­ pus." The group now boasts 39 members, and includes a discussion board where users can share tips, secrets and favourite locations. The roster ranges from engineers to English majors, and from complete unknowns to campus politicos and minor celebrities like yours truly. Even Jake "The 1-Man" Itzkowitz, AUS everyman, and Finn Heather Upham, incoming Vice-President University Affairs, have graced the group with their presence.

Upham, who also belongs to "People who have kissed Floh Herra Vega," "Nudie Island" and "The bat repellant shark spray development team," has even shared one of her well-thought out fantasies with the group: "I won’t go into details of the cozy nooks in the new Music Building, but there is a place I am dying to try: The roof of James Admin.

I found a way up there behind the picnic table between James and Wong, that makes it fairly easy climbing to the first roof, which is looked onto by some office windows and a few parts of Arts, which I assume give easy access to the upper roof. It’s a little exposed, which works for some of us, but completely unexpect­ ed too, so not a high likelihood of being spotted.

Still, wait until spring to try it out, and bring some­ thing to soften the surface."

Itzkowitz declined to comment on his membership in the group, but did coyly wink when he mentioned that he was the inventor of that clever little rope gadget that allows the AUS office to be opened only from the

inside.

It's all well and good for D-list celebrities to abuse their limited power and get wild on campus in the secret nooks that no one knows about (how many of you could actually find the Daily office without a map, flashlight and GPS?), but what about the Average Joe Undergrad who has no special privileges, powers or access codes? Worry not, fledgling exhibitonists. This campus is packed with secret nooks and unknown offices that you can turn in to your own little private den of smut. Roz comes to the rescue with a list of tips and tricks—check it out before embarking on your own adventure.

Public boning is not for the faint of heart—the fear and adrenaline rush it causes may not be for everyone.

But for those of you brave enough to try, I guarantee that it will be one of the highlights of your time at McGill. It's an unforgettable way to leave your mark on campus—even if it is one that can be removed with a steam cleaner, ■

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the mcgill tribune | 1.4.06 jfeatures

M a s t u r b a t o r s a re p e o p le t o o M a k in g t h e

tra n s itio n

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MALEK YALAOUI There are rumblings of coming social revolution. What started as a few vocal activists simply trying to substantiate their rights as citizens has had a ripple effect. The earth on campus is trembling, with immense change on the horizon. Those who try to ignore the evolving sexual climate will be left behind; gone the way of silence, tissues and hand lotion, antiquated in their oppressiveness.

Knocking boots within the Roddick Gates is quickly turning into a McGill phenomenon. As it becomes commonplace for coeds to find themselves canoodling in the McLennan stacks, the acceptance of campus sex's sister movement—masturbatory pride—increases.

For far too long masturbators have been forced to neatly tuck themselves away into the woodwork: con­ fined to bathroom stalls, dimly lit rooms and movie theatres so as not to offend the prudish public with what has been stigmatized as a "dirty" and "shameful" act. No more. Masturbatory pride is sweeping campus with the momentum of a vigorously pumping fist.

The young movement has already faced several obstacles on its way to widespread public acceptance.

A recent clash at “[Non-gendered pronoun], Stop Oppressing Us. Who Are You? 'The Man'?" Week, former­ ly known as "Social Justice Days," formerly known as "Equity Week" demonstrated that there are still those who would like masturbation kept private and masturbatory pride kept quiet. The incident has generated much publicity for the campus group Masturbators (No Longer Anonymous), which works to generate awareness and tolerance of masturbataholism.

Equity Commissioner, Aruna Krishnakumar, who coordinated the social awareness week, admits that there may have been tension between the various groups parading their causes, but downplays any conflict.

"I have no problem with masturbators. I believe in equitable treatment for all, regardless of race, reli­ gion or how they get off," she asserts. “The problem was that the masturbators fell into the grey area of being offensive to some and were therefore oppressive. I support what they do behind closed doors, but they crossed the line by taking it public. People were made to feel uncomfortable by their behaviour."

Krishnakumar alleges that those who were made to feel uncomfortable approached the M(NLA) demo/information/sample booth to explain their feelings in an equitable way.

But the masturbators are singing a different tune. ”We were chased out of there, pants around our ankles, by a ragtag gang of vegan bakers and breast casters," exclaimed Finn Fleather Upham, incoming VicePresident University Affairs and M(NLA) member.

Corey Shefman, Arts Representative and M(NLA) Vice-President Chafing, is distraught at the unwilling­ ness by the McGill community to accept masturbators as equals. "There is such a discriminatory double standard. Just because you wear non-leather shoes and buy rice in bulk at the co-op doesn't mean you have carte blanche to discriminate."

He adds that his group is slowly gaining ground in working towards acquiring the rights of non-masturbators for masturbators.

"We have a think tank that is working hard to change people's perception of us. We're trying to promote a friendlier image and eliminate stereotypes," he notes. "On a more proactive level we’re sending a delega­ tion to Ottawa to protest marriage laws. The love between a man and his hand is no different than that of a man and a woman or a man and a man."

Upham hopes that educating students on the positives of masturbataholism and its prevalence will end judgment of the act.

"I'm really looking forward to the day when I will be embraced by the public for openly masturbating," she reflects. "I honestly believe that that day is on the horizon." ■

Don't let the size discourage you - grab hold and join us!

If b e in g W A T C H E D g e ts y o u o f f ...

FINN HEATHER UPHAM Oh, baby! There's nothing quite like doing the dirty thang in public places. I get a rush from knowing I can get caught with my skirt hiked up, but I don't want to risk losing my SSMU pres­ tige, so I’ve developed a system for public sex success in the last few years. Follow my advice and you'll be orgasming in cafeterias, classrooms, libraries and bathrooms all over town.

What to wear: One of the keys to public coitus is appropriate attire... the need for speed is more important even than looking good. In the winter, I suggest sweatpants for both guys and girls—they're quick to get on and off and there's no need to don underwear. For warmer weath­ er, the ladies should obviously wear skirts sans panties. Men, wear anything without a zip fly-you don't want to damage the goods in a hasty escape.

What to bring: Public sex and the possibility of having it at any time are reasons to always have a condom on hand; always bring more than one in case something goes wrong or you end up having more time than anticipated. Girls can also bring masturbatory toys in case they can't find a willing guy for the public act. There's nothing like whipping out the Rabbit in the middle of McLennan stacks for a little self-pleasure during exam period (and who knows who might see you and want to join in?).

Where to go: The bathroom is over-used, if you ask me, and the risk of being caught isn't too great—essentially, it's for amateurs. Personally, I never use the stalls anymore. If my public sex lover absolutely insists on a bathroom frolic, I prefer to be pushed against the sink—it's both riski­ er and cleaner than a toilet Classrooms are some of the best places to get it on. There are so many of them on campus, and once you're in SSMU you get keys for all of them (same goes for

professors' offices).

O t h e places I suggest you try are the

Thr e e Bares’ fountain (could any­ thing be kinki­ er?), the Architecture Café (so cozy), the library tunnel (you never know who's coming around the corner, and you have to dodge video cameras) and Redpath Museum (because there are so many displays to choose from).

How to ask: Of course, not everyone's into intimate acts with an audience, so you've got to probe a partner carefully in order to determine their willingness. If public sex is absolutely neces­ sary for the maintenance of your passion, tell your lover right away so there's no weirdness-oth­ erwise, just stripping in an empty classroom might throw him off a little. If you're looking for some­ thing on the go, look for co-eds in sweatpants-chances are, they're on the same page. ■

POETRY

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News Editor Leon Mwotia news@mcgilltriSSMUne.com Features Editor Roz Freeman features@mcgilltriSSMUne.com A&EEditor Eric van Eyken arts@mcgilltriSSMUne.com Sports Editor Aaron Donny-Clark sports@mcgilltriSSMUune.com Oppression Editor Max Silverman oppression@mcgilltriSSMUne.com PhotoEduor Malek Yalaoui photo@mcgilltriSSMUne.com Copy Editor Finn Upham copy@mcgilltriSSMUne.com Design Editor Jake "The l-Man" Itzkowitz design@mcgilltriSSMUne.com Online Editor Have you seen the SSMU Web site this year?

As ifwe could handle another

y o u

( in v e r s e a n d h a i k u ! )

EDITORIAL

Managing Editor Max Reed seniored@mcgilltriSSMUne.com

SSI11U i n

A v i s i o n o f w h a t ’s t o c o m e

Vol. 1, Issue 1

Editor-in-Chief Adam Conter editor@mcgilltriSSMUne.com

T h e

SUPPLEMENT

M o v e o v e r, B illy ! tudents on campus complain a lot. And we, the executives of your Students’ Society, often claim-especially at elec­ tion time-that well make things better.

And sometimes, for reasons far beyond our control, we don't. And then students complain that we aren't listening to their complaints. And on it goes, until you're about ready to just give up and say "Hey, you run this fucking school.”

Okay, but here's the point: This time, we're responding to complaints. People say that our beloved concrete goddess, the William Shatner University Centre, is badly named. Shatner, they say, didn't graduate, and didn't give a cent to McGill, so he should­ n't have a building in his honour. Well, actual­ ly, Shats did graduate, but as for the money thing, it's probably true. So how's this for a response, then: We say they should change the name of the Shatner building to the Conter-Mwotia-Freeman-Donny-Clark-Van Eyken-Reed University Centre.

Just think about that for a second. Sit back, and take it all in. Admire the name's brilliance, the way it rolls of the tongue, the way it deifies your fearless leaders in a way you only wish you could.

As with anything we do, there will be naysayers. Too many hyphens, they'll claim.

Nonsense—hyphenated-named kids are all the rage these days. Too long to fit on a sign, they'll point out. Well, well just make the sign big (and the letters really, really small). They'll no doubt ask why this year's SSMU execs get a building named after them, while past execs didn't. The answer to that one is sim­ ple: We're the bestest.

We could list all the reasons why, but that would take up more pages than are in this rag of a newspaper we took over. We can, however, at least include a small sampling,

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just so everyone can understand how unde­ niably fantastic we are.

Three of the members of the exec cur­ rently have, or at somepoint had, beards.

Beards are awesome. Also, Roz has bangs!

Bangs are awesome. In fact, one of our main strengths is that we're ridiculously good look­ ing. Why do you think that cut out of President Conter got cut in half? People just couldn't stand his steely good looks anymore.

You want more? How about this: President Conter pulled three people, includ­ ing a baby and an 85-year-old great-grand­ mother, from a house fire. He then returned to take save their piano, washer and dryer, china hutch, and big screen TV, as well as their seven cats. He did all this on his way to a Board of Governors meeting, and he wasn't even late. Later that day, he singlehandedly brought the C-M-F-D-C-V E-R building up to fire code.

But our fabulousness goes beyond sim­ ply the Prez. Eric can, with just one furtive glance, make Sadie's profitable without ciga­ rettes. He just doesn't want to. Leon, mean­ while, has actually successfully merged every club on campus, they just don't know it yet.

Aaron looks unassuming, but he can crush the members of CASA and la FEUQ with just a single roundhouse kick (wait, actually, that's Chuck Norris). Max is actually well-liked by the administration. And Roz... umm... well, Roz has bangs. And bangs are awesome!

So if we’re this good, how can we not have a building named after us? QED. Therefore, Shatner's name obviously has to change. And calling it the Conter-MwotiaFreeman-Donny-Clark-Van Eyken-Reed build­ ing will go a small way to actually satisfying our oversized egos, and will give us all some­ thing else to put on our grad school applica­ tions. ■

We have much more to offer than simply our gover­ nance skills. While we're serious, competent and bilingual student politicos par jour, deep inside each of us lies the heart of a poet with tortured intensity and mad rhyming skills.

We found the emotionally attuned form of poetry especially apt for expressing our ardent love of SSMU and McGill. Enjoy!

When first I pranced onto McGill's campus green I saw Shatner and nearly creamed...

I pictured myself crowned and seated In the President's chair, pants nicely pleated— Or perhaps I would forgo the pants entirely And begin among office ladies a friendly rivalry.

I could picture it all: the women, the praise and thanks, The power I'd wield... access to banks?

"SSMU" written on the glass door, Keeping out the rest of the world Until I beckoned from my royal throne In order to command, accuse, condone.

Yes, the job was mine from the very first day When James McGill, bronzed, pointed me this way— "To Shatner, my boy! Onward and upward!" So quoth the good man: I bowed my head into the wind and followed the steady, metal hand.

—Adam Conter Give me another chance! Bind up my hurts!

Have mercy, Leon!—Soft, I did but dream.

0 coward conscience, how dost thou afflict me!

The light burns blue. It is now dead midnight.

The ballots all have been cast; soft, I wait— Cold fearful drops stand on my trembling flesh.

What do I fear? Myself? There's none else by.

Aaron loves Aaron; that is, I and I. Is there a president here? No—Yes, I am.

Then laud—What, for myself?—Great reason why: Lest I worship.-What, myself upon myself?

Alack, I love myself—Wherefore?-For any good That I myself have done unto myself.

—Aaron Donny-Clark "Author's note: I am consistently inspired by the genius that is Shakespeare. Thus, I have trimmed my facial hair and mod­ elled my own poetic style according to that genius.

Even the great hawk Swooping for prey in heaven May plummet to earth

—Leon Mwotia

BOARD

B u s h ’s b ra in ? W e ll, I’m F r e e m a n ’s f o o t THE l-MAN

Contributors Are not deemed necessary for the excellence of the wholly revamped TriSSMUne. Ifyou desire to contribute to this paper, consider running for office next year. Only then will your opinion be asked for or given consideration,

TriSSMUneOffices Editorial. Shatner University Centre, Ste 1200, 3600 McTavish, Montreal QC Tel: 514.398.6800 Fax. 514.398.7490 Advertising, Brown Student Building, Suite 1200, 3 600 McTavish, Montreal Q C H3A 1Y2 Tel. 514.398.6806 Fax. 514.398.7490

I n the shadowy underworld of SSMU politics, where conspiracy and intrigue change the course of elections, there lurks one man—a man of such diabolical, Karl Rovian genius that the mere mention of his name makes his rivals quake with fear. That man is I, Jake Itzkowitz. In two short yéars, I've established myself as the pre-eminent political architect on campus.

Though I'm generally loath to spill my secrets, the election period is over so I'll let you take a peek at the Itzkowitz playbook: Make sure your candidate is hot. (see Freeman, Roz and Prendergast, Gill). This is cru­ cial, because no matter hovy earnestly candidates deliver their stump speeches, most students will cast their vote based on the pensketch photo.

Posters are not enough. If you want to cap­ ture students' attention, put your candidate in a two- to three-minute film featuring hits from early nineties greats like EMF or C+C Music Factory.

Campaign videos also provide ample opportunity to flash subliminal messages in front of a 600plus audience. No campaign is complete, howev­

er, without a sea of blinding neon signs. Students find green very soothing.

Do your research. It's amazing what you'll find in garbage cans. Wiretapping is also an invaluable tool for digging up dirt: who's cheating on his girlfriend, who overspent on their cam­ paigns, who's pretending to be gay to increase their electability, etc.

Play dirty. In a 1970 Illinois campaign, Rove staged a fake campaign rally for his candidate's opponent.to which he invited headbangers and homeless people. In one particularly tight race last year, I did Rove one better: Using a fake email address, I circulated a campaign message from a rival candidate arguing in favour of lifting the tuition freeze. He was dead in the water.

Make shit up. There are two roads you can take here. Outrageous rumours will spread wide­ ly and quickly, while more mundane ones will be more believable and gain traction. Consider all the options. Plant stories in the TriSSMUne. But most important, be specific and creative. Your rival slept with half the kids in Rez? Good. Your

rival is running an S&M-themed brothel from the fifth floor of McLennan and sharing profits with the Hell’s Angels? Much better. If you get into trouble, cry foul; nothing deflects attention from your own dirty tricks better than accusing your opponents of the same or worse.

Expand the voter base. Yes, these are elec­ tions at McGill University, but that doesn't neces­ sarily mean voters have to be McGill students.

Once you get in with Elections McGill, it’s easy to add names to the rolls: recent graduates, CEGEP kids, the various people who solicit money on campus. A vote is a vote, no matter where it comes from. Also, sometimes a vote is actually more than a vote, depending on how many times you count it.

One word: intimidation. Don't like the way newspaper endorsements shake down? A wellplaced phone call should adequately convey your displeasure. Try to make your voice sound dark and gravelly, but don't make threats.

SSMU is, after all, a democracy. ■

The McGill TriSSMUne is an editorially sycophantic newspaper published by the Students' Society of McGill University, in collaboration with the SSMUexecutives. Letters to the editor may be sent to letters@mcgilltriSSMUne.com, and must include the contributor's name, program and year, and contact information. Letters are discouraged and it is highly unlikely that we will ever read them or consider your opinions valid. Submissionsjudged by the TriSSMUne Publication Society to be intelligent, articulate, sober, unbiased, or discouraging the sole promotion of SSMUwill not be published. The TriSSMUne reserves the right to ignore all contributions. Editorials are decided upon and written by the editorial board. All other opinions are strictly those of the author and thus reflect the opinions of the entire TriSSMUne.