15.45 There Is A Rain Found Only In Maui, April 26, 2012, Volume 15, Issue 45, MauiTime

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APRIL 26, 2012

Contents VOLUME 15

THIS WEEK’S QUESTION:

If your life was dramatized onstage, who would play you?

Editor: Anthony Pignataro (808) 283-1308 / anthony@mauitime.com @apignataro on Twitter Alec Guinness

Associate Editor: Anu Yagi (808) 264-8039 / calendar@mauitime.com @anuheayagi on Twitter Fabio

Proofreader: Dina Wilson Rhea Perlman

Contributors: Caeriel Crestin, Jory John, Avery Monsen, Ron Pitts, Chuck Shepherd, Ynez Tongson, Barry Wurst II

Photographer: Sean Michael Hower mauiweddingmedias.com / howerphotography.com

Art Director & Production Manager: Darris Hurst darrishurst.com / artdirector@mauitime.com @darrishurst on Twitter Johnny Depp

Graphic Designers: Amy Mendolia (Chuck Norris), Christina Tarleton

Advertising Executive: Brad Chambers (808) 283-3260 / brad@mauitime.com Michael Madsen

General Manager: Jennifer Russo (808) 280-3286 / jen@mauitime.com @jenrusso on Twitter

Admin. Executive: Keo Eaton (808) 244-0777 Mr. T

Admin. Assistant: Jennifer Brown Debbie Gibson

Web Design: Linear Publishing

Publisher: Tommy Russo (808) 283-0512 / tommy@mauitime.com @tommyrusso on Twitter John Hodgman

✚

ISSUE 45

COVER:

READER FEEDBACK

BY READERS LIKE YOU

Photo courtesy ‘Ulalena.

For more infomation, visit ulalena.com

4 NEWS & VIEWS 9 EAT & DRINK 10 FEATURE STORY 19 THIS WEEK’S PICKS 20 FILM CRITIQUE 21 FILM TIMES 22 DA KINE CALENDAR 23 THE GRID 28 KULA KID 29 HOROSCOPE 30 CLASSIFIED 31 MIND, BODY & SPIRIT

MauiTime is published every Thursday by MauiTime Productions, Inc. Its contents are Copyright © 2011 by MauiTime Productions, Inc. All rights reserved. Subscriptions are available at $70 per year.

Reproduction or use without permission is strictly prohibited. MauiTime may be distributed only by MauiTime’s authorized independent contractor. MauiTime is valued at $.50 per copy and permits one complimentary copy per person. No person may, without written permission of MauiTime, take more than one copy of each weekly issue. All opinions expressed throughout MauiTime are those of the authors and not necessarily the same opinions as MauiTime Productions, Inc. and MauiTime.

MauiTime 33 N. Market St., Ste. 201, Wailuku, HI 96793 office (808) 244-0777 • fax (808) 244-0446 www.mauitime.com @mauitime on Twitter Deadlines: Display Advertising: Friday Noon Classified: Monday 4pm Calendar: Monday Noon Circulation: 18,000 copies of MauiTime

HATES KIHEI ROUNDABOUT

APRIL 12, 2012 + VOLUME 15 + ISSUE 43 + FREE

More info on page 10

LOVES OPRAH, HATES PIGNATARO

Why do you pick on Oprah (“Welcome (Back) to Maui, Oprah,” Apr. 12, 2012)?

She’s not hurting us here on Maui, and she helps lots of folks, even if they are not the ones you think are worth helping.

Not only has and does she employ many people worldwide (including here), she has donated somewhere between $300 and $400 million to charity, despite angry jealous people like you dogging on her. How much do you give? You think she’s gonna read your trash and give? You have only hurt our island with your words.

I have never once watched the Oprah show. I’m not really a fan, I just appreciate what’s she’s done with her life, starting with nothing. She’s an American we can and should be proud of. You embarrass us all with no aloha. We don’t need your paper here. The landfill’s already got plenty.

- Molly Brooke, via email

RIGHT ON BRAH!!!!!!! I freaking hate when Oprah screws up my parking at the County Fair. You really told her. I mean, if she just had a heart and gave five dollars to Baldwin High like glorious, life saving, beautiful people like you, maybe there would be no terrorists, and no starving people in Africa and Joseph Kony himself would see what wonderful people there are in the world and look you in the eye and put down his gun because he would be so touched by your kindness.

And that was great, that little thing about pidgin, you really showed her, I bet right this moment she’s reading your article just wondering what you meant when you “talked all native like” ha ha ha ha.... But seriously though, keep your petty asinine ridiculous little opinions to yourself, don’t embarrass us all by making it seem like all of Maui is backing you up. “Mrs. [sic] Winfrey” is doing more good in the world than you ever will.

And about writing another article for this paper, NO BODDAH

-Ruby Turner, via email

I’m visiting my fiance who resides in Kihei not too far from the roundabout (Coconut Wireless, Apr. 12, 2012). My opinion, bad idea. I reside in NorCal and have several roundabouts which I frequently use. The right of way is a toss-up. Numerous incidents happen there quite often.

My fiance’s house is right at a street T section with a stop sign. I have yet to see anyone stop at it even though there is a blind section due to hedges. The same goes for the stop sign at Waipulani and Liloa.

My main concern for the roundabout is the school children’s safety. People don’t stop at stop signs and hardly yield right of ways. Do you really think blinking lights will work for pedestrians? All it will take is one serious incident to change people’s opinions. Hope that never happens.

-Burton Tarmarra, via email

CATASTROPHE!

In regards to the letter from the “no kill” cat organization 9th life (Apr. 12, 2011), I would like to speak in defense of the Maui Humane Society. As a former vet tech at MHS, I have had first hand experience in dealing with the unbelieveably large amounts of cats that are turned in to MHS. There is not one person there who ever wants to euthanize any animal. Most of the vet techs and other employees take foster kittens that need to be bottle fed every three hours and raise them until they are old enough for adoption. Unfortunately, this doesn’t even put a drop in the bucket towards the numbers of cats turned in.

A few years back when I was working at MHS, 9th life did an article about all the kittens they were saving from MHS, stating over 100 in a months time. Saving any animal is a great thing, but what they didn’t mention is that in a month MHS can see up to 500 kittens come in. 9th life was selective and would only take healthy kittens, therefore turning away a large number of kittens, and even refusing kittens that had been exposed to sick kittens even if they appeared healthy.

They also refuse to spay pregnant cats. This means if you bring in a cat, it undergoes anesthesia, gets prepped for surgery, then if it’s found to be pregnant when incised, it is sewn back up and not spayed.

It’s is not fair to blame MHS for having to euthanize cats when 9th life is selective about what they will save. ANY cat can be saved, sick, underweight, deformed, feral.

I’m sure that MHS would happily give 9th life all of the cats that would otherwise be euthanized, so go on down and get them 9th life. Hopefully people will someday be able to come together to address this issue instead of having holier than thou attitudes.

- Kelli Uderitz, via email

Send your feedback to the editor editor@mauitime.com, MauiTime 33 N. Market St., Ste. 201, Wailuku, HI 96793, twitter.com/mauitime, or facebook.com/mauitime.

We reserve the right to edit feedback. Views expressed do not necessarily reflect those of MauiTime.

APRIL 26, 2012

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1. Last week the state Department of Labor & Industrial Relations reported that the state’s unemployment rate in March was 6.4 percent. This was a slight improvement over March 2011, when the rate was 6.6 percent. The data also showed that the unemployment rate for Maui Island in March was 6.9 percent, down from 7.9 percent a year ago at this time. Now back in March 2011, Molokai’s unemployment rate was 11.6 percent–what was its rate in March of this year, according to the report?

A. 11.6 percent.

B. 12.8 percent.

C. 13.9 percent.

D. 14.4 percent.

E. You really don’t want to know.

2. An Apr. 18 press release from Lt. Gov. Brian Schatz lauded a “Renegotiated Power Purchase Contract

between Kaheawa Wind Power and MECO.” According to the press release, how much would this clean energy deal save MECO residential and business customers per year?

A. $5 B. $15 C. $35 D. $50 E. $115

3. On Apr. 22 the Sierra Club’s Hawaii Chapter announced its endorsements for the U.S. Senate and U.S. Congressional offices up for election. The organization said all three candidates have a “proven record” of protecting Hawaii’s environment and natural resources. Who are the candidates?

A. Ed Case for Senate, Colleen Hanabusa for 1st District, Mufi Hannemann for 2nd District.

B. Mazie Hirono for Senate, Hanabusa for 1st District, Tulsi Gabbard for 2nd District.

C. Case for Senate, Charles Djou for 1st District, Hannemann for 2nd District.

D. Hirono for Senate, Djou for 1st District, Gabbard for 2nd District.

E. Hirono for Senate, Hanabusa for 1st District, Gabbard for 2nd District.

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APRIL 26, 2012

Jeffrey D. McNeill, age 42, of Lahaina, Maui, Hawaii and formerly of Sturgis, passed away unexpectedly at his home on Sunday, April 15, 2012.

He was born on July 10, 1969, in Kalamazoo.

He is survived by his parents, David and Geraldine McNeill of Bonita Springs, Fla., and Sturgis; a brother, Jay of West Bloomfield; an aunt, Patricia Judge of Traverse City; an aunt, Janis Canode of Alpena; and several cousins.

Jeff was a 1987 graduate of Sturgis High School. He attended Grand Valley State University and Western Michigan University. In his adult life, he lived in a number of different places, but settled in the beautiful island of Maui, where he had lived the past 10 years. He was employed by a restaurant firm in Lahaina, working in maintenance and woodworking. It was there that he found his love for woodworking and became very accomplished in this line of work. He built the entire bar, tables and accessories for the Honu restaurant in Lahaina, that can be seen at www.honumaui.com.

Jeff was an avid biker, swimmer, surfer and runner, completing a marathon. He also had a love for yoga. He leaves behind his many friends and loved ones whose lives he touched with his smile, humor, genuine friendship and love.

Arrangements are being handled by Ballard Funeral Home in Kahului. Cremation will take place, and his ashes will be committed to the ocean that he loved in Lahaina, at a later date.

A memorial also will be held in Sturgis at a later date as well.

In lieu of flowers, charitable donations can be made to the Aloha House at www.ballardfamilymortuaries.com, where friends may also send condolences.

Jeff we will miss you ~ Aloha & Ahui Hou

NEWS&VIEWS

Coconut Wireless

Talk of the Island

BY ANTHONY PIGNATARO

Is this proper gun control?

GUNS AND ALOHA

The headlines from Apr. 17 were pretty scary: “Firearm registrations break records in Hawaii,” reported the Honolulu Star-Advertiser, while Maui Now said that “Hawaii Firearm Permits at Record High in 2011.”

All the stories, from television, newsprint and the web, used the same word to highlight a new report from the state Attorney General’s office: “record.” This was expected, given that the word also appeared in the AG’s report itself.

“A record high total of 15,375 personal/ private firearm permit applications were processed statewide during 2011, marking a substantial 20.1% increase from the previous record high of 12,801 applications processed in 2010,” stated the statistic-laden “Firearm Registrations in Hawaii, 2011” report, which was dated March 2012 but released by the AG’s office last week. “Of the applications processed in 2011, 94.0% were approved and resulted in issued permits; 4.5% were approved but subsequently voided after the applicants failed to return for their permits within a specified time period; and 1.5% were rejected due to one or more disqualifying factors.”

The thought of people across Hawaii rushing out to buy guns is undeniably scary. And indeed, Hawaii News Now seriously ratcheted up the fear by quoting one Harvey Gerwig of the Hawaii Rifle Association in its attempt to explain the uptick in gun registrations. “[President Barack] Obama and his crew have definitely made it clear that they don’t

like guns,” Gerwig told HNN. “They don’t want guns in our hands and people are concerned about that.”

That “record” numbers of people across the state are filling out the paperwork necessary for legal gun ownership in the fourth year of the Obama Administration would seem to indicate the president and his “crew” aren’t exactly going after gun owners with any gusto. But it’s also important to understand that the increase in gun ownership is also a real–and national–trend.

“Forty-seven percent of American adults currently report that they have a gun in their home or elsewhere on their property,” Gallup announced last October in a report titled “Self-Reported Gun Ownership in U.S. Is Highest Since 1993.” “Gallup finds that 34% of all Americans personally own a gun.”

Drawing on years of polling on the question of gun ownership, Gallup reported that the percentage of Americans who owned firearms dropped during the 1990s and stayed in the “low to mid-40s” for the next 15 years, but began to rise again a few years ago. But the polling firm had no explanation for why such an uptick occurred, only saying that it “may be related to Americans’ dampened support for gun-control laws” and that “it will be important to see whether the uptick continues in future polling.”

What’s more, Hawaii’s own gun ownership numbers pale before the national average. In fact, according to Paul A. Perrone, the Chief of Research and Statistics

at the state AG’s office, a household survey report his office conducted in 2010 showed just 7.4 percent of Hawaii residents owned guns.

“The comparable figures from earlier surveys (back to the mid-1990s) ranged from approximately 4% to 9%,” Perrone emailed me on Apr. 20.

“The question is asked in the context of security measures taken to protect against crime, so it is probable that some firearm owners conceptualize their firearms as being owned exclusively for other reasons (hunting, collecting, target shooting, etc.), and thus did not respond affirmatively. It’s also possible that some firearm owners did not feel comfortable reporting their ownership to a state law enforcement agency, even given the context of an anonymous survey format.”

So much for the fear that huge numbers of Hawaii residents are dashing to gun stores. But that doesn’t mean the AG’s report wasn’t fun to read.

In fact, most of the news reports I read on the firearms registration findings seemed to miss the best part of the report: that would be the table near the end itemizing all the reasons why police departments across Hawaii rejected firearm permit applications.

Some of the best include “abuse of family/ household member” (30 instances), “assault on police office” (1 instance), “depression” (1 instance), “did not sign background check waiver” (1 instance), “medical marijuana patient” (1 instance), “restraining order” (8 instances), “suicide attempt” (4 instances) and the ever popular “murder arrest unresolved from 1982” (1 instance).

Overheard FIRST MAN: “So are you auctioning off your bike over at the Grand?”

SECOND MAN: “I am!”

-Tommy Bahama’s in Wailea, Apr. 20

Case, alone again

CASE OF THE LONELY CASE

So Monday morning I’m driving into work, and with my little eye, who do I spy standing on the corner of Piilani Highway and North Kihei Road? None other than Mr. Ed Case, Democratic candidate for the United States Senate seat currently held

by Democrat Daniel Akaka. Now there’s something charming about seeing Case, who spent about four years as one of the elite 435 members of the United States House of Representatives in Washington, D.C., standing all by himself at a busy Kihei intersection, bracing a giant “CASE” sign and waving at passing motorists.

There was a time when Case was in congress–a back-bencher, sure, but he was there–meeting lobbyists and reading legislation and voting on bills. He sat in the house chamber during State of the Union addresses, and met with presidents, ambassadors and foreign leaders.

Now he’s standing on the road, wavingto locals and tourists driving to Kahului. To be fair, he does other stuff, too, like send out emails complaining about the debate schedule his opponent, Democratic Congresswoman Mazie Hirono has proposed. “This schedule is shibai,” Case said in an Apr. 19 email. “In cherry picking just a few with the least possible exposure, they’re fooling nobody.”

But seeing a once proud U.S. Congressman standing alone on a busy Maui highway–that’s a powerful image voters won’t soon forget. ■ anthony@mauitime.com + @apignataro

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LOCAL PLUGS

BY JEN RUSSO

Leslie Wilcox, center

Talking Story With Leslie Wilcox About HIKI NO Maui students are learning modern skills in a contemporary program designed in Hawaii, and the nation is taking notice. HIKI NŌ, the nation’s first student news network, is groundbreaking not just in its approach of embracing technology tools for students, but also how it’s using media to teach students life skills that will help them become active members of the workforce.

With two seasons completed, it received the 2012 EDGE Award, presented by the Association of Public Television Stations (APTS) at its annual Public Media Summit in Washington, DC. This award recognizes a public television station that uses digital technology and partnerships to bring something innovative to their communities.

MauiTime asked PBS Hawaii President Leslie Wilcox for her insight into the program and what the recent national recognition means for their students: MAUITIME: You must be thrilled with the national recognition. Did you expect the project to be successful and recognized on a such a level?

LESLIE WILCOX: Our seed money, a $200,000 grant from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, calls for us to provide a

toolkit so this type of program can be replicated by other PBS stations on the Mainland.

We did think there would be interest from other jurisdictions, because this program builds 21st century workforce skills and fills a widening gap of community information and local news. And we had a great deal of belief in the dedication and smarts of Hawaii’s students and teachers. But certainly, we weren’t gunning for a national award—and we certainly never expected the program to win a national award at the beginning of its second year! We did not apply for this recognition. Since the program is online as well as on-air, it was noticed an ocean away…

MT: Are there any other programs like this in the nation?

WILCOX: We’ve been told by digital media experts that this is by far the biggest and most ambitious student digital media program in the country. Nobody else has tried to go statewide and chosen to be so inclusive in welcoming all middle and high schools. I think many observers are quite surprised and impressed at the quality of the work being done, even by small schools in under-resourced rural areas. And sometimes the middle school students do every bit as good, or even better, a job than high school students.

MT: What does this award mean for the future of HN? WILCOX: Even if we hadn’t received this award, we would have joyously pressed on with it. Students and teachers tell us it’s been a life-changing experience. And viewers tell us they’re hearing from fresh voices in diverse communities that were invisible in Hawaii media. The program is growing exponentially, with 73 public and

charter schools participating at no cost to the schools. It’s open to all middle and high schools in the state, and two grade schools have even applied and been accepted.

MT: What kind of impact will it have on the program?

WILCOX: We hope the national award will translate to more interest from more funders. We’ve had the good fortune to be fully funded for three years, by local foundations and individuals and Mainland institutions (including the first-ever Knight Foundation grant in Hawaii). However, time is passing and there is far more demand by schools than initially expected.

MT: What do the schools have to do to participate?

WILCOX: The schools apply with our HIKI NŌ Managing Editor, Susan Yim at syim@pbshawaii.org. We provide mentorship to the teachers at no cost. If a school doesn’t have equipment, they may borrow key equipment from a “lending library” we’ve set up in every county with the help of the Atherton Foundation.

MT: How can the community support HIKI NŌ?

WILCOX: The community can help by watching this weekly newscast, on-air or online, and encouraging the students in their area! Also, our nonprofit organization welcomes monetary gifts to maintain and improve this educational program, at pbshawaii.org/support. Just note that you want your gift to go to HIKI NŌ.

MT: What kind of benefits for the students are being seen in the program?

WILCOX: The 21st century skills being learned in this program help in virtually any career field. HIKI NŌ meets all of the required General Learner Outcomes (GLOs) in the Department of Education; and it satisfies every one of the respected author and educator Dr. Tony Wagner’s skills and hab-

its-of-mind for the Global Age of Knowledge: critical thinking, curiosity, oral and written communications, networking, etc.

Students enjoy creating, collaborating and connecting—and they enjoy this realworld training. Traditional journalism seems fresh and novel to them after growing up as digital natives with the opportunity to rant on the web or listen to opinionsmasked-as-fact on some cable shows.

MT: Is it open to any student?

WILCOX: All middle and high schools in Hawaii are eligible. There just needs to be a teacher willing to guide a student media team. We work directly with teachers.

MT: I noticed that you received a grant from the Maui Economic Development Board (MEDB) for $5,000. Where are your other sources of funding?

WILCOX: The MEDB is making possible additional training for Maui County school participants on Maui, Lanai and Molokai.

Very exciting! By the way, teacher Clint Gima from Maui High School is a key member of HIKI NŌ’s statewide Teachers Steering Committee, and has been on the steering committee since the start, giving valuable counsel. We’re on every main island. In addition, students on the private island of Ni’ihau who commute by boat to a Kauai school also participate.

Program funding has come from the people of Hawaii, The Clarence T.C. Ching Foundation, Hawaii Community Foundation, John S. and James L. Knight Foundation, Wallace Alexander Gerbode Foundation, W.K. Kellogg Foundation and others. Right now we’re trying to match a $10,000 challenge grant from the George Mason Fund. He was the publisher of Pacific Business News. ■ jen@mauitime.com + @jenrusso

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NEWS OF THE WEIRD

BY CHUCK SHEPARD

A CONTINENTAL CUISINE, WITH SLIDERS

Fast-Food Culture Shock: Since December, the White Castle restaurant in Lafayette, Ind., has provided diners with a stylish experience that includes table service and a wine selection to go with its iconic “slider” hamburgers. A state wine industry expert told The Wall Street Journal in February, after a tasting, that she would recommend the Merlot, although the Moscato was “fun” and the Chardonnay passable (though all wines come in $4.50, screwoff-top bottles and is served in clear plastic glasses). As for the sliders, said the wine expert, eyeing the burgers on her plate, “At some point, that was a cow, I guess.”

LEADING ECONOMIC INDICATORS

When workers at the Carlsberg Beer plant in Vilnius, Lithuania, decided to walk out over poor pay and conditions, the company went to court to block them, and in March, a judge ruled for the company, temporarily halting a strike as not in the national interest because Carlsberg Beer is “vitally essential,” thus placing the brew in the same legal category as medical supplies. Said a British labor union official, “This is probably the most ridiculous decision in the world.”

RECURRING THEME

In March, a new peak was reached in New York City’s ongoing search for the most preposterously underpriced (because of rent control) apartment in the city. The Gothamist website identified a one-bedroom apartment at 5 Spring Street in Manhattan’s SoHo district renting for $55 a month even though, according to a real estate agent, it should be drawing $2,500. The tenant’s parents moved in upon immigrating from Italy in the 1940s, and since the tenant, now in his 70s, has a much younger wife, the apartment could remain under rent control for decades. New York City rent controls were imposed to meet an “emergency” in housing during World War II, but the law gets routinely renewed.

TRAIL-BLAZING SCIENCE

The Monell Chemical Senses Center in Philadelphia recently won a $36,000 grant to study the genetic basis of Trimethylaminuria, otherwise known as the disorder that causes sufferers to smell like dead fish. The first case reported in medical literature was in the 1970s, but according to a Science News report, “an ancient Hindu tale describes a maiden who ‘grew to be comely and fair, but a fishy odor ever clung to her.’”

EIGHT TO GO

After the year-old house cat Sugar survived a 19-floor fall at a Boston high-rise in March, an Animal Rescue League official explained to MSNBC that extra fur where the legs attach to the body enables cats to “glide” and partially “control” their landing. Research suggests

that steep falls are thus easier to survive, as cats have time to spread themselves out. And the five-year-old cat Demi survived a 40-minute tumble-dry (temperature up to 104 F) in Whitchurch, England, in March (although she needed oxygen, fluids and steroids to recover). Jennifer Parker, 45, had tossed a load of clothes in, unaware that Demi was in the pile.

SOMETHING ELSE TO WORRY ABOUT

A computer science professor working with the Bonobo Hope Great Ape Trust Sanctuary in Des Moines, Iowa, has developed a bonobo robot that can be controlled by live bonobos.

Among the first applications of the robot, said Dr. Ken Schweller in March, is a water cannon that bonobos will be taught to operate via an iPad app in order to “play chase games” with each other–“or to squirt guests.”

Send anonymous thanks, confessions or accusations, 200 words or less (which we reserve the right to edit), changing or deleting the names of the guilty and innocent, to “Eh Brah!” c/o MauiTime, 33 N. Market St, Ste. 201, Wailuku, HI 96793 or send an e-mail to

ehbrah@mauitime.com

E

h brah and aunties: Wow! I knew times were hard, but not that hard. First off, brah–you like to come on my property while my family and I are at church and steal our portable generator. That’s very bad. Second, you two elderly aunties like to walk up my driveway and take whichever plants you might like to have for yourself. Too bad I was home the other day– did you mind me coming out of the backyard right as you were bending down to steal something? Frankly, I’ve never seen two old people run so fast! As wise king Solomon once said, “Rob not from the poor, because they are poor.” ■

THE REDNECK CHRONICLES

A 41-year-old man was treated with antivenom at the USA Medical Center in Mobile, Ala., in March after he was bitten by a cottonmouth.

The man had seen the snake at an encampment, beaten it to death with a stick and decapitated it. At that point, according to the man’s friend, he for some reason started to “play with” the head. (The dead snake’s teeth still contained venom.) And James Davis of Stevenson, Ala., vowed in April that he would forever resist a judge’s order that he dig up his late wife’s body from his front yard and rebury it in a cemetery. “I’m in it for the long haul,” he said, promising to wait out the authorities. “I don’t have much to do but sit around [and] think about what’s going on.”

Illustration by Ron Pitts mauiartistronpitts.com

LEAST COMPETENT CRIMINALS

Mishelle Salzgeber, 20, was arrested in March in New Port Richey, Fla., after failing a drug test, which was a condition of her probation for an undisclosed crime. Apparently, Salzgeber knew that she would probably fail on her own and had gone to the trouble of inserting a small tube of someone else’s urine into her vagina. Unfortunately for her, a pre-test body-scan revealed the tube. (Besides, authorities tested the urine in the tube and found that it also failed.)

JUST PLAIN WEIRD

In March, authorities in Davis, Okla., after viewing surveillance video, charged Jimmy “Hawkeye” Jeter, 77, with a “detestable and abominable crime against nature” for “violating” a show pig at a barn on the property of the local school system. According to a KFOR-TV report, Jeter told investigators (in farm language, apparently) that he “poured corn out to hold the gilt still” and then “stuck my finger up her private.” Nonetheless, he assured them that he was “not trying to poison the gilt” and that he had done this “in the early 70s.” Later, he acknowledged that he was acting for sexual gratification. ■ chuck@mauitime.com

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APRIL 26, 2012

9

Rain

THERE IS A

Here’s how ‘Ulalena exemplifies Hawaii in 2012 and what it foretells for Hawaiian history in the making All day the stars watch from long ago / my mother said I am going now / when you are alone you will be all right / whether or not you know you will know / look at the old house in the dawn rain / all the flowers are forms of water / the sun reminds them through a white cloud / touches the patchwork spread on the hill / the washed colors of the afterlife / that lived there long before you were born / see how they wake without a question / even though the whole world is burning.

– “Rain Light” by W.S. Merwin

A

t a grand lu‘au held Easter weekend at the Ritz-Carlton Kapalua’s 20th annual Celebration of the Arts, a five-minute misunderstanding struck me in a way that few moments have.

See, it wasn’t the sort of resort-style lu‘au that the world’s come to know–with fire dancers, coconut bras and mountains of chicken nuggets. Rather, it was the culminating event of a unique festival, a nonpareil cultural happening that each year–through fine art, music and intelligent conversation–nudges fledgling flight in a phoenix of a culture that’s colloquially called Hawaiian.

But of the several hundred people in attendance, just a fraction were in-the-know. The rest were tourists–many staying at resorts other than the Ritz–who were sold on a once-a-year experience to glimpse a glitzy bit of Hawaiian culture created by and for its natives.

When the band leader called hula dancers from the audience on stage–to “honor them” with a special song that all hula people were sure to know–something very strange

10

APRIL 26, 2012

FOUND ONLY ON MAUI

BY ANU YAGI

happened. A group of little blond girls, prodded by their parents, marched onstage instead. They stood in a line, doeeyed and terrified, waiting for their first hula lesson.

No one knew what to do.

Their parents had assumed this was that part of a lu‘au (as is the case with every other) where little girls go onstage to kaholo to the left and right. It was not. But the band leader improvised, saying, “OK girls, turn around and try to follow along with da aunties.” As if they could! The dance moves were complicated, meant for practiced performers.

With their backs to the audience, the little girls raised limp arms, wiggled their fingers and stuck their hips out at odd angles. Instead of imitating the authentic dancers in eyeshot, they mimed what they remembered from cartoons and their parents’ vaudeville gesticulations following too many Mai Tais. Stranger still, the little girls had assembled on an auxiliary stage–set up in front and away from the main stage (for an special offsite performance of ‘Ulalena, scheduled later in the program)–which completely obscured the real dancers.

Astounded, an awkward knot consumed my throat.

What a metaphor for this place and its people! And a spotlight on the ways in which Hawaiians have been accomplice to our own appropriation! Suddenly, what had once felt utterly stolen from Hawaiian culture instead felt innocently spoiled by antipodal cultures’ inevitable clash.

Those poor little girls and their rich parents! I felt angry at them, but only had myself to blame. After all, we’re taught never to bite the hands that feed us.

Soon afterward, we were treated to a performance of the stage show ‘Ulalena, wherein Hawaiian primal meets

French Canadian postmodernism. Decidedly different from the whole lu‘au thing, the contrast it provided inspired a meditation on how Hawaiian performing arts is presented to our visitors.

See, ‘Ulalena itself is another intriguing metaphor for the state of Hawaii in 2012. And notwithstanding some tough love critique, it proves–and alludes to–a very proud Hawaiian history in the making.

‘Ulalena is a story that could only come from these isolated igneous isles, and is named for a coral colored rain found only on Maui (one of dozens of Hawaiian words meant to capture the specificities of certain precipitation in certain places). Five nights a week for nearly 13 years strong–in Lahaina’s multimillion-dollar Maui Theatre, remodeled especially for the show–‘Ulalena encapsulates the breadth of Hawaii’s story as viewed through a contemporary, cirqueinspired lens.

In the Hawaiian storytelling way, it begins in as far back a beginning as can be imagined, with the native creation chant called the Kumulipo. In darkness, a conch sounds. With a flash of white light, a pahu drum begins to slowly beat. Cast members–each gorgeously cut and sun-goldened–make a solemnly proud procession toward the stage. Guttural oli engulfs the room and the show’s ambient foundation is set.

“O ke au i kahuli wela ka honua / O ke au i kahuli lole ka lani / O ke au i kuka’iaka ka la / E ho’omalamalama i ka malama...”

“At the time when the earth became hot / At the time when the heavens turned about / At the time when the sun was darkened / To cause the moon to shine...”

So begins an interpretive journey through Hawaiian history, steeped in native myth and wrought with jewel tones.

The demigod Maui exhumes the islands from an ocean of massive iridescent fish, puppeteered by performers. Huge canoes are carried across a star-strewn stage, depicting celestial navigators from Southern seas. The spirit of kalo, the staple crop and proverbial progenitor of Hawaii’s people, is born. Local lore of a lizard goddess’ waterfall play is portrayed through a silk aerialist’s acrobatics. Mana gives mysterious movement and sound to a Lahaina Banyan-inspired forest of stilt-walking artists. Kamapua‘a, a bold, half-boar demigod, attempts to seduce Pele, the goddess of fire. Women beat kapa cloth under the watchful eye of the moon goddess, Hina. Men raise large carved stones to beat kalo into poi. Ambitious warriors battle for love and loyalty.

These mysterious moments are cut by coy suggestiveness and caricatured humor–and all is augmented by an insanely talented live band that’s accentuated–and in some ways masked–by many techy bells and whistles.

Then, during a scene about the Makahiki season–a festival dedicated to the god Lono, who’s traditionally symbolized by white kapa draped over a cross–Captain Cook arrives bearing alcohol, guns, trinkets and disease. His ships’ masts bear an all-too striking similarity to the insignia of Lono, and the

But frankly, in the years that had passed since I’d first seen the show, I’d almost forgotten about it. To me, it had disappeared into Resort Land alongside the modern lu‘au, the Sugar Cane Train and shopping on Front Street.

Then last fall I became fast, dear friends with three of ‘Ulalena’s cast members–Kalapana Kollers, Vene Chun and Kamalu Eleban–and was reintroduced to the show in a powerful, inside-out way. They are the kind of Hawaiian supermen who make me feel damned lucky to be their brethren; the rare kind of people who inspire me to be open, upright, patient and strong.

Together we practice an ancient martial art that was almost lost to antiquity (and that, pursuant to the first and second rules of such a fight club, I’m already in trouble for simply mentioning–but do anyway because the context is critical). Deep in the jungle we bruise, bleed and bond with sweat and screams that demands of our ancestors their skillful secrets. I’ll never have the strength of my commrades’ bodies, and can only aspire to their strength of character.

Through all this I’ve had a chance to learn how these men infuse every moment of their lives with all things Hawaiian, and how this inflects their spirited performances in ‘Ulalena. Needless to say, I stand in awe of them and their consummate care for our re-burgeoning culture.

Hawaiian history is mostly misunderstood.

But whether inculcated or ignorant of it, ‘Ulalena is the isle’s sole perennial portal that allows–through performing arts–a peek into Hawaii’s beautifully torn past.

natives reach out longingly toward him. Brown monarchs swimming in Victorian pomp waltz through the mayhem.

The show then transitions to immigration and a terrifying dance evoking the toil of the sugar plantations; the seeds of our colorful modern culture. Dramatically, Pele then purges the scene with her molten condemnation and a giant red cloth’s pulled over the audience. No one seems sure whether to clap or cry.

In the quiet aftermath, we see the kalo spirit lying limp and alone. A la Tinker Bell, with a little audience-participation magic he is resurrected by rain sounds made of several hundred palms rubbed together, tapped and slapped.

Uplifting and catchy, the show’s hallmark song then closes the show, asking “Auhea wale ana ‘oe, E ta ua ‘Ulalena / Oh where are you ‘Ulalena rain?” Finally, red and yellow confetti falls from the ceiling.

The first and only endeavor of its kind, it’s hard–if not impossible–to find any criticisms inked of ‘Ulalena, be it in a local pub or The New York Times. The show is polished, professional and a proven success. What’s not to love?

Because of this, it’s been challenging to incorporate the critique from my colleagues who helped me review the show. And when I reflect without bias, I share their concerns that ‘Ulalena’s French Canadian coloring and cirque costumes (no fault of the performers) haven’t been able to keep up with the contemporary flair that was intended 13 years ago–particularly when paired with a story that has so much intrinsic worth and is presented with so much heart.

The show’s poppy, late ‘90s patters do the ‘Ulalena story little justice, even when performers outshine their outfits.

These guys (and girls) in the show aren’t hollow hotties who spend their evenings pretending and prancing for ogling old snowbirds. I know them to be real warriors who challenge themselves to become more real everyday. And though they’re in every moment kind and full of light, they could quickly rip the veins out your throat with their teeth.

Every aging thing begs the question of how and if it’s meant to be kept in perpetuity. It’s easy to agree that artsy reflections of deep cultural things should be preserved. But it’s also easy to forget that the elements meant to be contem-

porary are also meant to evolve.

Of course, there’s something to be said for a show’s unadulterated longevity. Particularly with regards to theater, the longer something remains unchanged, the more clout it has.

If nothing else, ‘Ulalena proves that there are talented people passionate about a story worth telling and that the market for it is profitable. And after much reflection, there’s a part of me that loves its dated side–in the way that I love those little girls at the lu‘au–in the sense that it speaks to a native people’s cosmopolitan place in a very specific time.

Rain clouds have an eye-catching way of going about their business–and rightly so, I think. They’re the great, gaseous incarnations of the one thing all known life can’t live without. Even Wikipedia waxes poetic when it describes how water “moves perpetually through [the] water cycle”; how it covers almost two-thirds of Earth’s surface and composes most of the human body. No wonder it’s a sacred substance.

Whenever I pause long enough to give clouds their due credit, I’m rewarded with a reminder of our niche on this Goldilocks planet. What luck we have, being sentient things from this lonely albeit peopling place, cozily tucked into the Milky Way’s Orion Spur suburbs. And how mercurial the ways we’ve enacted our existence, attempted to explain it, and sought to define it for the future. Humans have such a curious tale!

I like to believe that if some story-hungry cosmic observer happened upon us, it’d find the strangest and sweetest of Earth’s ongoing sagas in Hawaii. Because somehow–here, in the belly of our vastest ocean–the most isolated archipelago in the world is home to a most tragic kingdom.

An ancient race of seafarers, warriors, craftsmen and storytellers... Colonialization by the conquests of capitalism and Western religion... A Pacific melting pot built on the backs of big sugar plantation labor... A monarchy overthrown... A language nearly decimated... Hollywood homogenization... Omnipotent tourism...

Millennia in the making, this ill-starred tradition is now in the hands of the generations reared of and since Hawaii’s 1970s cultural renaissance. And for the first time since American rule, Hawaiians aren’t discouraged from discovering–and redefining–their roots.

Ironically, what’s made Hawaii a pop obsession has had more to do with its climate than its culture. So, outside of academics and practitioners’ study, Hawaiian history is mostly misunderstood.

But whether inculcated or ignorant of it, ‘Ulalena is the sole perennial portal that allows–through performing arts–a peek into Hawaii’s beautifully torn past. It is a story of a rain found only on Maui; and in that I can't help but rejoice. ■

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APRIL 26, 2012

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FOOD&DRINK

Sumptuous Comfort Hard Rock Cafe Maui’s new menu offers old favorites with homemade love

BY JEN RUSSO

Lauri Tondreault and Eric Larsen PHOTOS BY SEAN MICHAEL HOWER

Hard Rock Cafe Maui

900 Front St., Lahaina 808-667-7400

T

he Hard Rock Cafe Maui is at it again, adding new re-imagined American food to their menu. Complacency is not their style, says General Manager Brent Rumph, who has been a mover and a shaker at their new location since arriving last year. While last year’s menu changes were decidely healthy, this year’s dishes offer more sumptuous comfort.

“We are a big global company,” says Rumph.

“Yet we are community based throughout our kitchen’s process of executing this menu. We have a lot of local taste coming out of the kitchen in our Lahaina Hard Rock. You can’t get this fresh Maui caught fish in our Madrid location.

Da Local Burger

Our roots are good American comfort food, and we are making more items from scratch and getting it to you with that homemade love.”

Rumph says they took a chance dumping the Cobb salad, a Fish tacos favorite item for folks who love cafe food. But with the new Smokehouse Chicken Salad’s tender smoked and diced chicken, pecans, bacon, cheddar, pico de gallo and sliced avo, it’s no wonder customers hardly seem to miss the Cobb. Then there’s the Texan, a pulled pork sandwich with Chipotle and hickory bbq sauce. The pork is piled high, and topped with crispy fried onions and Jalapenos.

The fish tacos are a great fish option, served in flour tortillas and filled with the fresh catch of the day. The seasoning on the fish is divine, and then they drizzle on a bit of their guacamole Chipotle ranch and add the works: guacamole, cheese, Jalapenos, cilantro, beans and chips.

With emphasis on your local food community and eating local, the corporate Hard Rock chain has taken notice and played nice.

Every Hard Rock location is incorporating and branding their own dish-

es and each one offers a unique burger. Only the Hawaii locations get to call their burger da "Local Burger” though, and it’s a doozy: 10 ounces of beef basted in their homemade black and gold sauce, which is HRC’s take on teriyaki. Then it’s topped with a grilled pineapple ring, barbecued pork, crispy wontons, grilled sweet onions and lettuce and piled on a potato bun. Oh, and a stack of fries. It’s basically designed to put you into a Polynesian paralysis.

They also introduced the scrumptious Cajun Shrimp and Poached Pear Salad. Cajun spiced shrimp and sweet poached pears join with the greens to really make an unusual but irresistible combination. The Goat Cheese Chicken Salad was also innovative, with diced chicken, dried cranberry and celery bound by goat cheese and a light citrus mayo dressing.

Chef de cuisine Lauri Tondreault is committed to making each dish scrumptious.

Hard Rock offers live music most nights of the week and supports a burgeoning nightlife on the Westside. They also now serve breakfast and their regular menu simultaneously starting at 10am. On Saturdays, the Reggae Recovery Breakfast features a kick-ass Bloody Mary with toast, bacon, tomato and a pepperoncini. It’s basically a hangover-cure meal in a glass for just

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For more foodie news, visit MauiTime’s food blog at: mauidish.com

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APRIL 26, 2012

Best Of Maui Awards Ballot It’s that time again

A FEW NOTES ABOUT BALLOT STUFFING:

Time to cast your votes for our annual BEST OF MAUI. Usually, this ballot is decked out with whatever theme we’ve chosen. But this year, we’ve come up with another theme so cool, we want to keep it under wraps. Seriously, you’re gonna really dig it.

While most people play it straight, every year a few nefarious folks attempt to stuff the ballot box. To cut down on this, and to ensure the results are fair and accurate, here are a few rules:

As usual, categories are organized into five sections: arts & entertainment; food & drink; goods & services; politics & environment; and sports & leisure. We’ve added some new categories this year to spice things up, but you’ll still find all the old standbys. Please VOTE IN AT LEAST 40 CATEGORIES if you want your ballot to be counted.

Voting ends May 31.

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You may also notice these convenient little QR codes throughout the ballot that you can scan with your smart phone at any time to take you to our online ballot.

Any ballots that violate these rules—or that sufficiently rouse our suspicion— will not be tallied. We hope it isn’t necessary, but if anyone does attempt to unfairly sway the outcome, we reserve the right to create a Best Ballot Stuffer category. This is not something you want to win—trust us.

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APRIL 26, 2012

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GOODS & SERVICES ADULT GIFT SHOP: LOCAL BOUTIQUE: SALON: HARDWARE STORE: TATTOO SHOP: CONSIGNMENT STORE: BOOKSTORE: PLACE TO GET WAXED: LOCAL SURF SHOP: SWIMWEAR SHOP: STAND-UP PADDLE BOARD SHOP: SCUBA/SNORKEL SHOP: LASER HAIR REMOVAL: UKULELE SHOP: HEAD SHOP: RECYCLING/REDEMPTION CENTER: AUTO MECHANIC: “GREEN” BUSINESS: LOCAL CLOTHING DESIGNER: PET SUPPLY STORE: HOTEL / ACCOMODATIONS: FURNITURE STORE: NEW BUSINESS: PRESCHOOL/DAYCARE: BRIDAL SHOP: BIKE SHOP:

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APRIL 26, 2012

POLITICS & ENVIRONMENT COUNTY OFFICIAL: POLITICAL ACTIVIST: COUNTY BLUNDER: STATE BLUNDER: ENVIRONMENTAL ISSUE: COMMUNITY NON-PROFIT: ENVIRONMENTAL NON-PROFIT: POLITICAL SCANDAL: SCARIEST PUBLIC FIGURE: TOWN TO LIVE: TOWN TO VISIT: *YOU MUST FILL IN THIS FORM BEFORE SENDING: NAME: ADDRESS: CITY/ZIP: EMAIL: AGE: SIGNATURE: VOTE ONLINE AT MAUITIME.COM

OR YOU MAY MAIL YOUR BALLOT TO: 33 N. Market St., Suite 201, Wailuku, HI 96793

SEX:

PICKS

BY ANU YAGI

THURSDAY, APRIL 26 FABIO! – Yep. Fabio “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” Lanzoni is coming to Maui for a meetand-greet at Whole Foods. Go ahead and laugh if you want. This lusciously locked Italian model’s been the beefcake atop, like, every steamy romance novel ever.

But he’s also the guy who–when riding a roller coaster–was struck in the face by a goose. Fabio’s good looks saved him and everyone else aboard the ride, while the goose died from a broken neck. Bad-ass! See our Da Kine Calendar for more. Free. 11am6pm. Whole Foods Market (Maui Mall, 70 E. Kaahumanu Ave., Kahului); 872-3310; @ WFMKahului on Twitter

TOUR DAVID SANDELL’S GALLERY WITH THE MAUI YOUNG BUSINESS ROUNDTABLE GROUP – David Sandell’s style is unmistakable. Bold colors, given room to breathe, capture the whimsy and character of people and places–particularly of Wailuku Town, where he lives and works “promot[ing] the loftier slumming persona of a topical cartoonist.”

This Thursday, tag along with the Maui Young Business Roundtable Group for a tour his gallery and hear the interesting stories behind his art. It’s free, and “brown bags will be encouraged by some and condoned by most.” Free. 5pm. Meet in front of Giannotto’s Pizza (Main Street Promenade). Sandell’s gallery is located on the Kahului corner of Main and Market Streets. mauiyoungbusiness.com

MAUI SLAM – “Ah, poetry,” muse Maui Slam promoters. “It asks big questions and searches for big answers [in] love, life, cultural relativism, social justice, time travel, sex... and now it’s time to tackle climate change!”

This month’s poetry slam is about all things Earth (it’s also the event’s six-year anniversary), and if you come prepared with a three-minute piece (costumes, props and group performances are encouraged; sign-ups are from 9-9:30pm), you can vie for the $100 cash prize. Augmenting this month’s show is an “upcycled” bikini fashion show by Indie Attire, showcasing couture pieces by designer Sara Plesset who reworks used swimsuits in unique ways. Plus, DJ Boomshot’s on turntables, Douglas Deboer’s doing visuals and comedian Chino LaForge presents a set titled “Dirty Earth.” $10 cover / $5 before 9:30pm. 9pm sign-ups / 9:30pm show. Casanova (1188 Makawao Ave.); 572-0220; mauislam.com

FRIDAY, APRIL 27 RICK VITO/KING PARIS – Last month, I previewed this show’s debut in This Week’s Picks–and after seeing it myself, I’m picking it again. (And it’s got nothing to do with the fact that Rick Vito sauntered through the audience with a cordless electric, pausing to play me a searing guitar solo that finished with a pinch of my cheek. Seriously.) Not to ruin the illusion, but after Vito plays a classic rock set, he transforms into his turban-wearing alter-ego King Paris, for another–even more raucous–set of internationally inspired rockabillyish awesomeness (augmented by belly dancers to boot). Oh, and his pal Mick Fleetwood turns up at the end, glitterbombing the audience and sitting in on drums (of course) as the character “Chandu the Genie Giant.” $12. 9pm. Stella Blues Cafe (1279 S. Kihei Rd.); 874-3779; stellablues.com

CELEBRATE THE EARTH AT PAIA FOURTH FRIDAY – Paia’s a hippie town if ever there was one, so naturally (badum ching!) they’re still celebrating Earth Day, even a week later.

This month’s Paia Fourth Friday highlights include Dance International Productions (a halau from Kamehameha Schools that performs hula, Tahitian and Filipino dance under the direction of Madelyn Pascua) from 6-8pm at Pa’ia Bay Cafe, DJ Mr. Nick and Helmet Conspiracy from 7-10pm at Indigo and Marty Dread and Friends starting at 9pm ($15) at Charley’s Restaurant and Saloon. See our Da Kine Calendar for more. Free. 6-9pm.

Paia Town. mauifridays.com

SATURDAY, APRIL 28 8TH ANNUAL MEADOW GOLD MILK CARTON REGATTA – It’s survival of the sea-fittest when middle and high school students take their milk carton boats into the Lahaina surf. Each team was provided with 300 milk cartons and 16 rolls of packing tape (plus $100 for other supplies). Alaka’i “The Morning Goddess” Paleka of KPOA 93.5 FM fame emcees the event and Lani Moo, the Meadow Gold Daries mascot, makes a cheery appearance. Free. 7:45am check-in / 8:15am boat inspection / 9am race. Hanakao’o Beach Park (i.e. “Canoe Beach,” Lahaina); lanimoo.com

THE BROTHERS CAZIMERO LEI DAY CONCERT – “The Brothers Caz” (with Robert and Roland Cazimero on bass and twelve string guitar, respectively) have a delightful early summer tradition of performing a “May Day-Lei Day” concert at the MACC. Be sure to arrive early for preshow festivities that include Hawaiian music, hula by Halau Pa’u O Hi’iaka, and an arts & crafts fair with beautiful lei available for purchase. $12 / $28 / $37. 7:30pm.

Castle Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org

SUNDAY, APRIL 29 MUSICAL VOICES MAUI PRESENTS THE OLINDA CHORALE IN CONCERT – This afternoon concert by The Olinda Chorale features chamber choral works by Claudio Monteverdi, Johannes Brahms, Eric Whitacre, Joseph Jennings and The Beatles. The group is conducted by Sarah Oppenheim-Beggs and Gary Shin-Leavitt, and accompanied by pianist Lotus Dancer. $15 suggested donation / free for students with ID. 4pm.

Makawao Union Church (1445 Baldwin Ave.); 2702066; info@musicalvoicesmaui.org

YES! – Pioneers of prog rock, this English band’s got uber-long tunes to trip out to. Case in point: the more than 20-minute long song “Revealing the Science of God” (one of my favorites), off their 1973 album Tales from Topographic Oceans. Songs like that can seem “disjointed, but with purpose,” but “through the rhythm of moving slowly,” “we breath hope and chase love.” So if you’re saying “yes” to Yes (as we are), have fun! A Tom Moffatt & Shep Gordon Production. $45 / $65 / $75 / $85. 7:30pm. Castle Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org

MONDAY, APRIL 30

TUESDAY, MAY 1 PHOTO BY SEAN MICHAEL HOWER

GOMEGA MONDAY AT DIAMONDS – Versatile bad-asses, the men of Gomega dish auricular awesomeness. Check them out every Monday night at Diamonds, where there’s always great drink specials, lickety-split service, loads of bar games (like steel tip darts and table shuffleboard) and ono tacos that taste like you should be paying a lot more for them. No cover.

10pm. Diamonds Ice Bar & Grill (1279 S. Kihei Rd.); 874-9229

BRENTON KEITH & HIS BAG O’TRICKS AT MULLIGAN’S ON THE BLUE – Brenton Keith’s brand of family friendly tableside magic is full of spunk and comedic wink. Order yourself a properly poured Guinness and some of Mulligan’s Harp beerbattered fish n’ chips, and set yourself up for a night of pure fun. No cover.

7pm. Mulligan’s on the Blue (100 Kaukahi St., Wailea); 874-1131; mulligansontheblue.com

WEDNESDAY, MAY 2 RED CARPET MOVIE NIGHT AT AMBROSIA SCREENS SWINGERS (1996) – Look, we’re as separate cars. But imitating that scene kind of loses the point of its commentary, never mind that in Livingston and Heather Graham, and is, like, so money... Free. 7:30pm. Ambrosia Martini Lounge

tempted as you are to turn up to Ambrosia’s Swingers screening with all your friends–each driving The Triangle’s shitty parking, it would lose all effect. Swingers stars Jon Favreau, Vince Vaughn, Ron (1913 S. Kihei Rd.); 891-1011

APRIL 26, 2012

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FILM

Ship of Fools

Kinda Funny

The Pirates! Band of Misfits looks great, but goes nowhere

BY BARRY WURST II

The Pirates! Band of Misfits

★★★★★

Rated PG;88 Min.

A

ship full of loony pirates are trying to get their Pirate Captain (voiced by Hugh Grant) into the prestigious Pirate of the Year contest, in this stop-motion animation comedy. It seems that every year, pirates step forward to declare who has stolen the most booty (as in money, not okole) and caused the most ruckus on the high seas. This being from the creators of Wallace and Gromit and Chicken Run, these pirates are all a loveable, rowdy bunch but they’re more underdogs than respected seamen and their feats of daring aren’t nearly as impressive as, say, the pirate who shows up wherever he goes riding a whale. What Pirate Captain and his crew really need to do is get their ship together (a pun not out of place in a movie like this).

Director Peter Lord is not only responsible for keeping a unique brand of stop motion animation

alive but for giving us the brilliant Shaun the Sheep, truly one of the best and funniest shows that adults will happily watch with their children.

The same can be said of the other works from the Aardman Animation studios but this latest movie is, sadly, a disappointment.

More amusing than funny, it begins well but settles for too many easy, cornball gags and not enough real laughs. Most of the funniest bits are the throwaway sight gags, like a clever jab at Madagascar or any of the business going on in the background. Even an impressive, flat out amazing voice cast doesn’t always shine, as they’re saddled with dialogue more cheesy than anything else.

Grant’s acid wit is sorely missed, though Jeremy Piven, playing a rival pirate, brings his expected bravado. Curiously, while most of the characters look nothing like their real life counterparts, Martin Freeman (who’s about to break out in a big way starring in The Hobbit this December) looks exactly like his Pirate with Scarf, Pirate Captain’s sidekick. Salma Hayek, Brendan Gleeson, Imelda Staunton and David Tennant also provide voice work, but neither their efforts nor their characters leave an impression.

The animation at hand is as dazzling as ever; the technique is so seamless and the characters so expressive, it’s easy to forget you’re watching a clever melding of stop motion work for the characters and computer work for some of the backgrounds.

If you watch the figures in the background of every scene and focus on the ones who are listening and not talking, you’ll see that everyone appears vividly alive and responsive.

The action is sometimes overly manic and cluttered, and there are odd touches, like infusing “London Calling” by The Clash without real reason, and jokes about Jane Austen, John Merrick and albinos. It may be lively enough for most kids but attempts to reach their parents with jokes about The Elephant Man feels forced, even wrong-

headed. Adding Charles Darwin as a character leads to strange jokes about kidneys and the Galapagos Islands that will amuse those familiar with Darwin, but will children find evolution jokes funny?

It lacks the gentle genius and kind hearted humor of Aardman’s best works and won’t fulfill a pirate jones for fans of Captain Jack Sparrow (an easy target the film strangely never touches). A couple of clever moments and mild chuckles aside, there’s nothing here that isn’t worth waiting to see on DVD and that includes the barely noticeable 3D. The characters are all boisterous but no one steps up and takes charge of the film, which is like a pirate ship without a captain. ■

To share or save this article, type: mt.hy.pr/1545f

Musical Voices Maui Presents

The Olinda Chorale

Chamber Choral Works by: Claudio Monteverdi, Johannes Brahms, Kelly Krandell, Joseph Jennings, Eric Whitacre and the Beatles Music Direction: Sarah Oppenheim-Beggs, Gary Shin-Leavitt Accompanist: Lotus Dancer th

Sunday, April 29 4pm Makawao Union Church • 1445 Baldwin Avenue Suggested Donation $15 • Students with ID Free

Musical Voices Maui (501c3) • The Singers Educational and Performance Collective For Information: www.musicalvoicesmaui.org

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APRIL 26, 2012

FILM

Showtimes FRONT STREET THEATER

900 Front Street, Lahaina, 249-2222 (Matinees) American Reunion - R - THU (4:20), 7:05, 9:40.

The Cabin in the Woods - R - THU (4:15), 7:00, 9:30. FRI (1:45, 4:15), 6:55, 9:35. SAT-SUN (1:45), 4:15, 6:55, 9:35. MON-WED (4:15), 6:55, 9:35.

The Five Year Engagement - R - FRI (1:30, 4:20), 7:05, 9:50. SAT-SUN (1:30), 4:20, 7:05, 9:50.

MON-WED (4:20), 7:05, 9:50.

Lockout - PG 13 - THU (4:15), 6:55, 9:35.

The Lucky One - PG 13 - THU (3:45), 6:45, 9:15.

FRI (1:00, 3:45), 6:45, 9:15. SAT-SUN (1:00), 3:45, 6:45. MON-WED (3:45), 6:45, 9:15.

Safe - R - FRI (1:15, 4:15), 7:00, 9:30. SAT-SUN (1:15), 4:15, 7:00, 9:30. MON-WED (4:15), 7:00, 9:30.

MAUI MALL MEGAPLEX

Maui Mall, 249-2222 (Matinees) 21 Jump Street - R - THU (2:35, 5:00), 7:25, 9:55.

FRI (12:10, 2:35, 5:00), 7:25, 9:50. SAT-SUN (12:10, 2:35), 5:00, 7:25, 9:50. MON-WED (2:35, 5:00), 7:25, 9:50.

American Reunion - R - THU (1:40, 4:20), 7:10, 9:50. FRI (1:30, 4:20), 7:10, 9:45. SAT-SUN (1:30), 4:20, 7:10, 9:45. MON-WED (1:30, 4:20), 7:10, 9:45.

Chimpanzee - G - THU (2:15, 4:15), 6:15, 8:15.

FRI (12:15, 2:15, 4:15), 6:20, 8:15. SAT-SUN (12:15, 2:15), 4:15, 6:20, 8:15. MON-WED (2:15, 4:15), 6:20, 8:15.

Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax (2D) - PG - THU (4:05), 8:25.

FRI (11:45, 4:05), 8:25. SAT-SUN (11:45), 4:05, 8:25. MON-WED (4:05), 8:25.

Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax (3D) - PG - THU-WED (1:45), 6:10.

The Hunger Games - PG 13 - THU (3:30), 6:45, 9:45. FRI-SUN (11:55, 3:00), 6:15, 9:15. MONWED (3:00), 6:15, 9:15.

Lockout - PG 13 - THU (2:20, 4:40), 7:05, 9:20.

FRI (12:05, 2:20, 4:40), 7:05, 9:20. SAT-SUN (12:05, 2:20), 4:40, 7:05, 9:20. MON-WED (2:20, 4:40), 7:05, 9:20.

The Lucky One - PG 13 - THU (2:25, 4:50), 7:15, 9:40. FRI (12:00, 2:25, 4:50), 7:15, 9:40. SAT-SUN

NEW THIS WEEK

THE FIVE-YEAR ENGAGEMENT - R - Romantic Comedy - Isn’t it nice when a movie’s title really sums the whole thing up? Starring Jason Segel and Emily Blunt. 124 min.

THE PIRATES! BAND OF MISFITS - PG - Animated - See this week’s Film Critique. 88 min.

THE RAVEN - R - Mystery/Thriller - A young detective (Luke Evans) attempts to thwart a serial killer who’s inspired by the macabre works of Edgar Allan Poe (John Cusack). 111 min.

SAFE - R - Action - Here’s all you need to know: Jason Statham. 94 min.

NOW SHOWING

21 JUMP STREET - R - Action/Comedy - Barry Wurst II writes, “The film is sometimes raunchy in search of easy, cheap laughs, but the best scenes have a crazy, anything-goes edge.” Starring Jonah Hill, Channing Tatum, Rob Riggle and Ice Cube. 109 min.

AMERICAN REUNION - R - Comedy - This flute-and fresh pie-masturbation franchise milks its EIGHTH movie (including four direct-to-video spin-offs) from the nip-and-tucked teats of a mediocre cast. Our fingers are crossed that this is the last... 123 min.

CHIMPANZEE - G - Doco - “When it comes to showing how cute and utterly fascinating animals are our in the wild, Disney always has a goldne touch,” writes Barry Wurst II. 78 min.

DR. SUESS’ THE LORAX - R - Horror - Green washing goes to Hollywood with another bastardization of Seussian genius; of what’s meant for the unadulterated page. (PS: Remember, supporters of Tim & Eric’s

WHERE AND WHEN TO WATCH WHAT

THURSDAY 4.26

BY ANU YAGI

(12:25, 2:40), 4:55, 7:30, 10:00. MON-WED (2:25, 4:50), 7:15, 9:40.

Mirror Mirror - PG - THU (1:55, 4:35), 6:55, 9:25.

FRI (11:35, 1:55, 4:35), 6:55, 9:25. SAT-SUN 11:35, 1:55, 4:35, 6:55, 9:25. MON-WED (1:55, 4:35), 6:55, 9:15.

The Raid: Redemption - R - THU (2:40, 5:05), 7:30, 10:00. FRI-SUN (11:50), 6:25, 8:45. MONWED 6:25, 8:45.

Safe - R - FRI (12:25, 2:40, 4:55), 7:30, 10:00. SATSUN (12:25, 2:40), 4:55, 7:30, 10:00. MON-WED (2:40, 4:55), 7:30, 10:00.

Think Like A Man - PG 13 - THU (2:30, 5:30), 8:30.

FRI (11:30, 2:30, 5:30), 8:30. SAT-SUN (11:30, 2:30), 5:30, 8:30. MON-WED (2:30, 5:30), 8:30.

Titanic (3D) - PG 13 - THU (1:30, 5:25), 9:30. FRIWED (2:10).

Wrath of the Titans (2D) - PG 13 - THU-WED (2:00).

Wrath of the Titans (3D) - PG 13 - THU (4:25), 6:50, 9:05. FRI (11:40, 4:25), 6:50, 9:05. SAT-SUN (11:40), 4:25, 6:50, 9:05. MON-WED (1:55, 4:35), 6:55, 9:25.

KA’AHUMANU 6

Queen Ka’ahumanu Shopping Center, 1-800-326-3264 (Matinees: every day until 4pm) The Cabin in the Woods - R - THU 10:45, 1:00, 3:15, 5:30, 7:45. FRI-SAT 12:00, 2:35, 5:00, 7:45, 10:00. SUN-WED 12:00, 2:35, 5:00, 7:45.

The Five Year Engagement - R - FRI-SAT 11:20, 2:00, 4:40, 7:20, 10:00. SUN-WED 11:20, 2:00, 4:40, 7:20.

Jiro Dreams of Sushi - PG - THU 11:00, 1:00, 3:00.

John Carter (2D) - PG 13 - THU 5:00, 7:45.

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island (2D) - PG - THU 10:30, 5:15.

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island (3D) - PG - THU 12:45, 3:00, 7:30.

The Pirates! Band of Misfits (2D) - PG - FRI-SAT 10:25, 11:25, 1:30, 2:40, 3:40, 4:50, 5:50, 8:00, 10:15. SUN 10:25, 11:25, 1:30, 2:40, 3:40, 4:50, 5:50, 8:00. MON-WED 11:25, 1:30, 2:40, 3:40, 4:50, 5:50, 8:00.

The Pirates! Band of Misfits (3D) - G - FRI-SAT 12:30, 7:00, 9:15. SUN-WED 12:30, 7:00.

The Raven - R - FRI-SAT 11:45, 2:25, 5:00, 7:35, 10:00. SUN-WED 11:45, 2:25, 5:00, 7:35.

Salmon Fishing in the Yemen - R - THU 11:00, 1:45, 4:20, 7:00.

The Three Stooges - PG - THU 10:30, 11:30, 12:40, 1:40, 2:50, 3:50, 5:00, 6:00, 7:10, 8:10.

FRI-SAT 11:00, 1:05, 3:10, 5:15, 7:25, 9:25. SUNWED 11:00, 1:05, 3:10, 5:15, 7:25, 9:25.

KUKUI MALL

1819 South Kihei Road, 1-800-326-3264 (Matinees: every day until 4pm) The Hunger Games - PG 13 - THU 1:55, 4:50, 7:50. FRI-SAT 11:00, 1:55, 4:50, 7:50, 10:45. SUN 1:00, 1:55, 4:50, 7:50. MON-WED 1:55, 4:50, 7:50.

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island (2D) - PG - FRISAT 11:10, 1:30, 3:45, 6:00, 8:15, 10:20. SUN 11:10, 1:30, 3:45, 6:00, 8:15. MON-WED 1:30, 3:45, 6:00, 8:15.

The Lucky One - PG 13 - THU 1:25, 3:55, 6:10, 8:30. FRI-SAT 11:15, 1:25, 3:55, 6:10, 8:30, 10:40.

SUN 11:15, 1:25, 3:55, 6:10, 8:30. MON-WED 1:00, 3:55, 6:10, 8:30.

Think Like A Man - PG 13 - THU 1:00, 3:40, 6:20, 8:20. FRI-SAT 11:05, 1:45, 4:30, 7:10, 10:00. SUN 11:05, 1:45, 4:30, 7:10. MON-WED 1:05, 3:40, 6:20, 8:20.

The Three Stooges - PG - THU 1:30, 3:45, 6:00, 8:15.

WHARF CINEMA CENTER

658 Front Street, 249-2222 (Matinees) The Hunger Games - PG 13 - THU-FRI (12:15, 3:30), 6:45, 9:45. SAT-SUN (12:15), 3:30, 6:45, 9:40. MON-WED (12:15, 3:30), 6:45, 9:40.

The Pirates! Band of Misfits (2D) - PG - FRI (1:00, 3:45), 6:45, 9:15. SAT-SUN (1:15), 4:00, 7:00, 9:30. MON-WED (1:00, 3:45), 6:45, 9:15.

The Three Stooges - PG - THU-FRI (1:15, 4:00), 7:00, 9:30. MON-WED (1:15, 4:00), 7:00, 9:30.

Wrath of the Titans (2D) - PG 13 - THU (1:30, 4:15), 7:15, 9:45.

Billion Dollar Movie must boycott The Lorax!) 94 min.

Huntsman, due out this summer. 106 min.

THE CABIN IN THE WOODS - R - Horror - “It’s a messy, bloody mix,” writes Barry Wurst II. “The less you know going in, the better it will play out.” 95 min.

THE RAID: REDEMPTION - R - Action/Crime - While dreadlocks can’t live in a tenement yard (too much watchie watchie watchie, too much su-su-su-su-su), apparently Indonesian mobsters thrive in them... In this flick, a rogue SWAT team’s trapped in a high rise mobster hub and must battle their way out–or die. 101 min.

JOURNEY 2: THE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND - PG Fantasy/Family - “This is a dopey adventure romp with truly terrible dialogue,” writes Barry Wurst II. Dwane “The Rock” Johnson, Josh Hutcherson, Vanessa Hudgens, Luis Guzman and Michael Caine star. 94 min.

THE HUNGER GAMES - PG 13 - Action/Sci-Fi “Jennifer Lawrence stars as a young woman living in a futuristic world where teens are entered into a killor-be-killed contest [for] entertainment,” writes Barry Wurst II. “In [this] hugely anticipated adaptation of Suzanne Collin’s novel [of the same name]... all of the adult actors give ovestated performances [and] wear what looks like Elton John’s concert wardrobe.” Huh. Sounds like public high school. 142 min.

THE THREE STOOGES - PG - Comedy - Eh, Farrelly brothers! You know, audiences could at least respect you for Dumb & Dumber, which paid homage to this seminal slapstick trio. But straight-up ripping them off is just lame. Nyuk-nyuk? Try tsk-tsk. Da original is Moe bettah. 92 min.

THINK LIKE A MAN - PG 13 - Romantic Comedy - All is fair in love and war–including reverse-reversereverse psychology based on Steve Harvey’s (real) book, Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man. 123 min.

LOCKOUT - PG 13 - Action/Sci-Fi - A futuristic President’s daughter is in jeopardy (in space!) when a futuristic prison (in space!) is overrun by futuristic prisoners (in space!). Can Guy Pearce–who plays a futuristic government agent wrongfully convicted of futuristic espionage–kick enough ass (in space!) to save the day and earn his futuristic freedom? 95 min.

TITANIC (3D) - PG 13 - Drama - Re-releasing in 3D’s gonna get this cash cow lactating again (though seriously, it’s meant to commemorate the centenary of the RMS Titanic first setting sail on April 10, 1912), but we’re bummed producers didn’t have the balls to resurrect Titanic as a zombie flick. 732 min.

THE LUCKY ONE - PG 13 - Romance - Zac Efron, friend of the paper, grows up and sexes it up in a flick that’s like Cast Away part deux in an Iraq War context.

Based on the novel of the same name by Nicholas Sparks. 101 min.

WRATH OF THE TITANS - PG 13 - Action - Mythologically hot bods, CGI beasts, battles and whatnot. 99 min.

MIRROR MIRROR - PG - Family - It’s been 200 years since the Brothers Grimm first published their version of “Schneewittchen und die sieben Zwerge” (i.e. “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves”), so movie goers must now suffer two live-action versions of this European fairy tale. Not to be confused with Snow White and the

HAPPY HOUR 3-6PM/LIVE MUSIC EVERY WEEKEND

LAST CHANCE

JIRO DREAMS OF SUSHI - PG - Doco - 81 min.

JOHN CARTER - PG 13 - Sci-Fi - 132 min.

SALMON FISHING IN THE YEMEN - R - Romantic Comedy/Drama - 107 min. ■

SOUL CONGRESS

W/ CLAY MORTENSON 9PM • NO COVER

FRIDAY 4.27

BLUES WITH THE HOUSE SHAKERS 9:30PM • NO COVER

SATURDAY 4.28

I WANT CANDY 80’S PARTY NO COVER

SUNDAY 4.29

THE GINA MARTINELLI BAND 8:30PM • NO COVER

WEDNESDAY 5.2

BLUES WITH THE HOUSE SHAKERS 8:30PM • NO COVER

808.879.3133

1945 S Kihei Road, Suite G

1945 S K

E ILLAG V A M A IHEI RD, KAL ui.com

879-9944 • lulusma

WEDNESDAY LOCAL BAND

SABRINA 7-9PM

THURSDAY

BARBARA & NETTO

HOT & SPICY SALSA 8-11PM

$3 coronas, $5 1800 shots $5 patron shots 8PM-Close

dj Nexus

LATIN / MEXICAN MUSIC 11PM-CLOSe

FRIDAY

kAWIKA ORTIZ

7:30-9:30 pm booTY WORK • DJ KANALI 9:30PM-CLOSe

SATURDAY

KAWIKA ORTIZ 8-11pm ASTRO RAPH 10PM-CLOSe

EVERYDAY

HAppy hour 2-5:00pm, FRI & SAT 10PM-12Am

$3 well drinks, $2 STEINLAGER, $3 BUD LIGHT

APRIL 26, 2012

21

CALENDAR

Friday

4/27

Da Kine Calendar BIG SHOWS

BY ANU YAGI

JACK JOHNSON ACOUSTIC TOUR WITH JOHN CRUZ AND PAULA FUGA – Wed. &

Saturday

4/28

Thursday

5/3

Thu., Apr. 25-26. Jack Johnson, a folk rock singersongwriter, surfer and musician from Oahu’s North Shore, celebrates the release of “Jack Johnson and Friends - Best of Kokua Festival” (Brushfire Records). Johnson performs two acoustic shows on Maui with Paula Fuga and John Cruz, and proceeds from sales of the album and concert tour benefit the Kokua Hawai‘i Foundation. $50 / $75. 7:30pm (both nights). Castle Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469; mauiarts.org

RICK VITO/KING PARIS – Fri., Apr. 27. See This Week’s Picks for more. $12. 9pm. Stella Blues Cafe (1279 S. Kihei Rd.); 874-3779; stellablues.com THE BROTHERS CAZIMERO LEI DAY CONCERT – Sun., Apr. 29. The “Brothers Caz” (with brothers Robert and Roland Cazimero on bass and twelve string guitar, respectively) have a delightful early summer tradition of performing “May Day-Lei Day” concert at the MACC. Don’t miss it!

Pre-show dinner made available by Aloha Events Catering. $12 / $28 / $37. 7:30pm. Castle Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org

WOMEN HELPING WOMEN’S ANNUAL FUNDRAISER TEA PARTY: “A CHINESE ODYSSEY” – Sun., Apr. 29. Women Helping Women’s 15th Annual Elegant Afternoon Tea theme is “A Chinese Odyssey - Year of the Dragon,” and features an exotic “Chinatown Marketplace,” their popular live and silent auctions, and delicious dishes catered by Chef Bev Gannon. Get your tickets early as this event always sells out fast. $90 standing table / $110 premier / $150 VIP. 1-5pm. Yokouchi Pavilion, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org

YES IN CONCERT – Sun., Apr. 29. A Tom Moffatt & Shep Gordon Production. Enjoy Yes’s hits like “And You And I,” “Owner of a Lonely Heart,” “Leave It,” “It Can Happen,” “Love Will Find A Way,” “I’ve Seen All Good People” and “Starship Trooper.” See This Week’s Picks for more. $45 / $65 / $75 / $85.

7:30pm. Castle Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org

STAGE ORIGINAL MAUI THEATER: MAPA PRESENTS “LESSER AHI” - Opened Fri., Apr. 20, running through May 5 every Fri., Sat. & Sun. A new original comedy by Maui playwrights Derek Nakagawa and Francis Tau’a, about two brothers who haven’t spoken to one another in six years. Two actors play 21 characters in this wacky slice of local life. See it and get ‘hooked’! 7:30pm Fridays and Saturdays / 2pm Sundays. $16 adults / $14 seniors / $12 students.Steppingstone Playhouse (Queen Kaahumanu Center, 275 W. Kaahumanu Ave., Kahului) 244-8760; mauiacademy.org

MAUI ONSTAGE PRESENTS ERNEST THOMPSON’S “ON GOLDEN POND” – Opened Fri., Apr. 20, running through May 6 every Fri., Sat. & Sun. A touching story of love, family, resentments and growing old. Directed by Steven Dascoulias. Featuring Ann Marie Wilder, Bill Love, Ute Finch, Mark Collmer, Brian Connolly and Nathan Sullivan. Tickets available at If the Shoe Fits (Wailuku),

22

APRIL 26, 2012

Lava Java (Kihei) and through the Maui OnStage box office. Dinner packages available with Cafe O’Lei and Bistro Casanova. $15 / $22 / $40. 7:30pm Fridays and Saturdays / 3pm Sundays. Iao Theater (68 N. Market St., Wailuku); 242-6969; mauionstage. com

MAPA’S SPRING EXTRAVAGANZA – Sat. & Sun., May 6-7. Maui Academy of Performing Arts (MAPA) presents three stunning dance shows geared for the whole ‘ohana. On Saturday, check out their “Jazz, Tap & Hip Hop” showcase at 3pm and their “Moves” presentation at 7:30pm. Then on Sunday, witness the beauty of ballet at 3pm. $12-$15 per show. Castle Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org

‘ULALENA – Mon-Fri. A nonpareil portal to Hawaiian history and kanaka maoli lore. What ‘Ulalena accomplishes–five nights a weeks for 12 years strong–is without a doubt the most powerful cultural education available for our visitors (and ourselves).

Rich with tradition while sublimely contemporary, this show’s a clean, consistent and critical contribution

by Hawaii about Hawaii–for the world. Mahalo ke akua! Starting at $24.50 keiki / $59.50 adults. Dinner and VIP packags available. 6:30pm. Maui Theatre (Old Lahaina Center, 878 Front St., Lahaina); 1-877-688-4800; mauitheatre.com

TICKETS ON SALE AN ENCHANTING EVENING OF MUSIC, MELE, KIRTAN AND STORY – Sat., May 5.

Lei’ohu Ryder and Saul David Raye co-host an “EnCHANTing Evening” shaing world traditions through oli, Kirtan, song and spoken word. Proceeds support the preservation of Pohaku nahaha. Come early for an affordable gourmet Indian feast. $15 advance (tickets available at Monsoon India) / $20 cash at door. 7pm. Makawao Union Church (1445 Baldwin Ave.); 875-6666

DON BARNHART’S FAMILY FRIENDLY COMEDY & HYPNOTISM SHOW – Sun., May 6. – Back by popular demand, Power Up Comedy Presents The Don Barnhart Comedy Hypnosis Show. Part stand-up, part improv, part hypnosis and full-on funny, this fast-paced romp through the volunteers’ subconscious creative genius releasing their hidden talents. $15 advance / $20 door. 8pm. Stella Blues Cafe (1279 S. Kihei Rd.); 344-1563

UHMC INSTITUTE OF HAWAIIAN MUSIC SHOWCASE – Thu., May 10. Showcasing its first Tri-Annual Student Concert, the University of Hawaii Maui College’s Institute of Hawaiian Music perform live. This lovely night of Hawaiian music is presented by multi-Grammy Award winning artist and institute director, George Kahumoku, Jr. $20 general / $10 students & seniors / free for keiki 12-years-old and younger. McCoy Studio Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts. org

HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS 2012 CHAMPIONSHIP TOUR – Fri., May 11. The Original Harlem Globetrotters are celebrating their 86th consecutive year of “ball handling wizardry, basketball artistry and one-of-a-kind family entertainment.”

Led by Big Easy Lofton, the Harlem Globetrotters return to Hawai‘i as part of their 2012 Championship Tour. $22 general (advance) / $27 general (day-of) / $55 VIP center court seats. 6pm doors / 7pm show.

War Memorial Gym (Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org

MORRISSEY IN CONCERT – Fri., May 18.

You don’t need me to tell you that the Smiths’ song “Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want” still makes the world weep for Duckie, or that many Gen X vegetarians were converted by Morrissey’s tune “Meat is Murder.” You’ve got your own great (and less cliche) stories of why Morrissey’s the man–and the last couple months (since tickets went on sale Mar. 9) have been full of musing about how fuckin’ awesomely nostalgic this show’s gonna be.

And if you quit eating and smiling between now and the show, you’ll be sufficiently emaciated and depressed enough to attend. See you there. $49.50 / $59.50 / $69.50.7:30pm. Castle Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org

MAUI BREWERS FESTIVAL 2012 – Sat., May 19. Join hosts Maui Brewing Company and Maui Arts & Cultural Center for a boisterous day of tasting beers from two dozen craft breweries. Plus, sample pupus from Maui’s popular eateries, enjoy live entertainment by the isle’s best bands, and get your hands on great prize giveaways. Ticket includes eight 4-ounce samples of micro-brews and imports, unlimited island-style dishes and parking. A connoisseur package is available for early entry at 2pm, with reserved parking and extra gifts. 3-7pm. A&B Amphitheater / Yokouchi Pavilion, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org; @ mauibrewfest on Twitter SOLO SESSIONS: JUSTIN NOZUKA – Sat., May 19. New York-born, Canadian-bred Justin Nozuka makes his first Maui appearance in Solo Sessions.

Nozuka and his band “offer an acoustic folk-soul sound with a distinctive Jawaiian bent and a subtle nod to Radiohead.” Presented by BAMP Project. $25 standard / $30 VIP (advance; $5 more day-of).

7:30pm. McCoy Studio Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts. org

ANNOUNCEMENTS 8TH ANNUAL MANGA & ART CONTEST – Sat., May 12. The 8th Annual Manga and Art Drawing Contest will be held at the 12th Annual Maui Matsuri. All Maui County residents are encouraged to enter. There are two catagories: Tradional art or Manga. Submissions will be judged in three, age divisions for both art categories: 3rd-5th grade, 6thgrade-8thgrade, and 9th grade-12th grade. The top three winning contestants from each category will be awarded cash prizes. Entries will be accepted at the Manga & Art Exhibit during the Matsuri between 1-2:30pm. Entries may also be submitted during the week of May 7th-11th, at John Henry Photography, Inc.’s photo stuio at 59A Kanoa Street in Wailuku. For more info on submitting work requirements, please visit mauimatsuri.com

EVENTS

THURSDAY, APRIL 26 MEET FABIO! – OK, we know you just wanna ogle and get a photo. But here’s what Fabio’s really here for: he’s the president and founder of Healthy Planet Vitamins, designed to “give your body the tools it needs to combat the factors that threaten health, and revitalize your inner youth, build healthy lean muscle, re-establish immune system strength, and delay the effects of aging.” See This Week’s Picks for more.

Free. 11am-6pm. Whole Foods Market (Maui Mall,

TheGRID

THURSDAY

4/26

FRIDAY

4/27

SATURDAY

4/28

SUNDAY

4/29

MONDAY-WEDNESDAY

4/30-5/2

FIND THE GRID ONLINE AT MAUITIME.COM/GRID OR TO HAVE YOUR BUSINESS ADDED TO OUR WEEKLY GRID SEND YOUR INFORMATION TO CALENDAR@MAUITIME.COM

ALE HOUSE

Pi’ilani Arias 5-8pm; no cover

Braddah Francis, 4-8pm / I Want Candy, 9:30pm (both sets no cover)

Flashback Saturdays Dance Party w/ DJ Z 9:30pm; no cover

Sunday Skool Nightclub w/ DJ JamnJ, DJ Blinky and MC Bishop 10pm; no cover

MON - Clay Mortensen, 4-7pm; Teri Garrison, 8pm / TUE - Pi’ilani Arias, 7-10pm / WED - Teri Garrison, 5-8pm; Free Karaoke Night w/ Braddah Francis, 8pm (all sets no cover)

AMBROSIA

Jamie Gallo, 7pm; no cover / DigiLuxe w/ DJ Kurt, 10pm; no cover

Whatever You Want w/ DJ AstroRaph 10pm; no cover

Sunrize Saturday w/ DJ Decka 10pm; no cover

Ultra w/ DJ CIA 10pm; no cover

MON - Ladies’ & ‘80s Night w/ DJ Skinny Guy / TUE - Dirty House Tuesdays w/ DJ LaRage / WED - Maui’s HI-5 Night (S.I.N.) w/ DJs Del Sol & CIA (all sets 10pm; no cover)

Adam Masterson 7-9:30pm; no cover

Bob Jones 7-9:30pm; no cover

Will Hartzog 7-9:30pm; no cover

Sam Ahia 7-9:30pm; no cover

MON - Dave Caroll / TUE - Jordan Cuddy / WED - Erin Smith (all sets 7-9:30pm; no cover)

CASANOVA

Earth Slam 9:30pm; $5/$10

Friday Night Grime w/ DJ Kurt & DJ Trvr 10pm; $5

Sol Seed and Rootz N Creation 10pm; $10

Bounty Music presents TC Electronic Demonstrations w/ special guest, Willie K 2pm; no cover

MON - Glitter Spring Fling w/ DJ Sweet Beats, Plush and Brandi Mesca, 9pm; $10 / WED - Casanova’s Famous Ladies’ Night: “Back to the Future: w/ DJ Blast & Chilltown Productions, 10pm; $10

CHARLEY’S

Wavetrain feat. Mark Johnstone & The Reefers 9pm; $10

Paia Fourth Friday: Marty Dread & Friends feat. Indubious 9pm; $15

DJ Kamikaze 9:30pm; $10

COOL CAT CAFE

Barefoot Minded 7:30-10pm; no cover

Wolf 7:30-10pm; no cover

Dave Carroll 7:30-10pm; no cover

Erin Smith 7:30-10pm; no cover

MON - Ekolu Kalama, 7:30-10pm / TUE - Live Jazz, 7-10pm / WED - Jordan Cuddy, 7:30-10pm

DIAMONDS ICE BAR

Live Music 10pm; no cover

Innavision 10pm; no cover

DJ music 10pm; no cover

Sunday Funday 10pm; no cover

MON - Gomega / TUE - Rampage / WED - DJ music (all sets 10pm; no cover)

DOG & DUCK IRISH PUB

Quiz Night 8pm; no cover

Dance Party 10pm; no cover

Jessica & Kanoa 10pm; no cover

Sebrina Barron 6pm; no cover

MON – Glen Awong of Maoli / TUE - Live Music / WED - Live Music (all sets 10pm; no cover)

L‘AVA SPORTS BAR & KARAOKE

Free Karaoke

Live Music

DJs & Go-Go Dancers

Rampage 9pm-close; no cover

Dat Guyz 9pm-close; no cover

Super Dub Tribe 9pm-close; no cover

Karaoke Industry Night 8pm-close; no cover

MON - Karaoke, 8pm-close / TUE - Music videos w/ DJ H, 9pm-close / WED - Open Mic Night, 9pm-close (all sets no cover)

Indio & Avi 8pm; no cover

The Crunch Pups 8pm; no cover

Jomo Pemberton & Jah Seeds Band, 11am / Indubious, 8pm (both sets no cover)

Willie K, 11am / Mallorie Danielle, 8pm (both sets no cover)

MON - The Blues Spirit of Maui / TUE - Kenny Roberts / WED - Evan Schulman (all sets 8-11pm; no cover)

Karaoke

Karaoke

Karaoke

355 E. Kamehameha, Kahului - 877-9001

1913 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 891-1011

CAPTAIN JACK’S ISLAND GRILL Wharf Cinema Center, Front St., Lahaina - 667-0988

1188 Makawao Ave., Makawao - 572-0220

142 Hana Hwy., Paia - 579-8085

Wharf Cinema Center, Front St., Lahaina - 667-0908

1279 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 874-9299

1913 S. Kihei Rd. - 875-9669

1088 Lower Main St., Wailuku - 244-4888

HAUI’S LIFE’S A BEACH 1913 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 891-8010

HARD ROCK CAFE 900 Front St., Lahaina - 667-7400

ISANA

515 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 874-8199

70 E. Kaahumanu Ave., Kahului); 872-3310; @WFMKahului on Twitter

“QUICKBOOKS FOR SMALL BUSINESS”

BY RICHARD KEHOE, CPA - Learn to set up your company’s QuickBooks in a small class setting with personalized tutoring. This class is for new users and will teach you how to record sales, receive payments, prepare invoices and balance your checkbook.

Get customized answers and schedule a follow-up appointment at no cost to discuss personalized solutions. Sponsored by SCORE (Service Corps of Retired Executives) and presented by Richard Kehoe, CPA and lead SCORE counselor. $45. 5-8pm Maui County Business Resource Center (Maui Mall, 70 E. Kaahumanu Ave., Kahului); co.maui.hi.us

TOUR DAVID SANDELL’S GALLERY WITH THE MAUI YOUNG BUSINESS ROUNDTABLE GROUP – See This Week’s Picks for more.

Free. 5pm. Meet in front of Giannotto’s Pizza (Main Street Promenade). Sandell’s gallery is located on the Kahului corner of Main and Market Streets. mauiyoungbusiness.com

MAUI SLAM (FO’ REALZ THIS TIME) – So this is the second time that I’ve been SO EXCITED for Maui Slam that I listed it a week early. Sorry for the confusion, but it’s just that awesome. The poetry slam’s REALLY happening this week, and if you wanna know all about it, see This Week’s Picks (fo’ realz this time). Slam on! $10 cover / $5 before 9:30pm.

9pm sign-ups / 9:30pm show. Casanova (1188 Makawao Ave.); 572-0220; mauislam.com

FRIDAY, APRIL 27

SPRING MARDI GRAS DINNER AND SILENT AUCTION – A benefit for Maui Family Support Services, Inc. with entertainment by Slam featuring David Choy and Kelly Covington, plus an awesome dinner. $75. 5:30-10pm. King Kamehameha Golf Club (2500 Honoapiilani Hwy., Waikapu); 242-0900 ext.

284; mfss.org

CELEBRATE THE EARTH AT PAIA FOURTH FRIDAY –

Oahu) and Helmet Conspiracy. >>> Mana Foods (49 Baldwin Ave.; 579-8078) – From 5-8:30pm, Rudy’s OG doles out samples of their made on Maui foods (like their “Rugged Nuggets” and “Wet Fire” hot sauce). If you buy some, 100 percent of profits go to the Sustainable Agriculture Movement charity. >>> Maui Crafts Guild (69 Hana Hwy.; 5799697) – Meet jewelry artist Dianne Anderson (who makes free-form, flowing line of jewelry of a very distinctive style, incorporating a variety of pearls and other stones) during her opening reception from 6:30-9pm. Plus, enjoy refreshments and live music

by Upcountry Celtic. >>> Maui Hands (84 Hana Hwy.; 579-9245) – Meet jewelry artists Devon Mastrich and Wendy Hagedorn.

Mastrich creates colorful graphic designs in enamel, copper and silver, while Wendy transforms silver into delicate interesting shapes inspired by shapes found in nature. >>> Milagros (3 Baldwin Ave.; 579-8755) – This fun eatery (that specializes in tequila) serves up awesome Fourth Friday drink specials. >>> Oceania (120 Hana Hwy.; 579-6063) – In celebration of Earth Day, this shop’s donating farm supplies to La’a Kea Community Farm (located on Baldwin Ave.).

LOOKING FOR SOMETHING? CALENDAR LISTINGS

ON MAUITIME.COM

See This Week’s Picks for more. Free. 6-9pm. Paia Town. mauifridays.com...

Here’s all your shop-byshop party scoops: >>> Biasa Rose (104 Hana Hwy.; 579-8602) – Swing by this boutique for refreshments and a showcase of the many designers and vendors that help take care of the earth by reducing, reusing, and recycling. >>> Charley’s Restaurant & Saloon (142 Hana Hwy; 579-9453) – Still wanna party when Paia Fourth Friday’s pau? Check out Marty Dread & Friends, beginning at 9pm ($15). >>> Hemp House (16 Baldwin Ave.; 579-8880) – Sample their homemade brownies (not spiked!) while you shop. >>> Indigo (149 Hana Hwy.; 579-9199) – From 7-10pm, groove to performances by DJ Mr. Nick (from

TUE - Free Karaoke

WED - Karaoke >>> Paʻia Bay Café (137 Hana Hwy.; 579-9130) – Dance International Production (a halau from Kamehameha Schools that performs hula, Tahitian and Filipino dances under the direction of Madelyn Pascua) performs from 6-8pm.

SPALICIOUS NIGHT AT THE GRAND SPA - Maui’s most elegant and well known spa hosts an evening of socializing and pampering for the ladies.

Access to hydrotherapy circuit, chocolate spa mini treatments, and sinful desserts combine in a night for your inner diva. $30/$60. 8pm. Grand Wailea Resort & Spa (3850 Wailea Alanui Dr., Wailea); 875-1234; grandwailea.com

SATURDAY, APRIL 28 8TH ANNUAL MEADOW GOLD MILK CARTON REGATTA – See This Week’s Picks for more.

7:45am check-in / 8:15am boat inspection / 9am race. Hanakao’o Beach Park (i.e. “Canoe Beach,” Lahaina); lanimoo.com

DA KIDNEY DA KINE DAY – Meet Sidney Kidney and get free screenings for kidney disease, diabetes and high blood pressure. Plus, check out loads of exhibits and displays including the Hawaii Donor Family Quilt and Project Vision Hawaii Screening. Best of all, there’s free live Entertainment by Jimmy Mac & The Kool Kats, Na Keiki O Halau Hula Kauluokala (under direction of Kumu Hula Uluwehi Guerrero), and Nuff Sedd. 10am-2pm. Queen Kaahumanu Center (275 W. Kaahumanu Ave.); 986-1900; queenkaahumanucenter.com / kidneyhi.org

APRIL 26, 2012

23

WILD WAHINE WEDNESDAY

THE EVENING THAT EARNED CASANOVA’S THE AWARDS

CASANOVA’S FAMOUS LADIES NIGHT BACK TO THE FUTURE W/ DJ BLAST & CHILLTOWN MUSIC STARTS @ 10PM  $10 COVER

“BEST LATE NIGHT IN MAUI” “BEST SINGLES SCENE IN MAUI”

THURSDAY APRIL 26TH

SHOW STARTS AT 10PM $10 COVER $5 COVER B4 9:30PM

EARTH SLAM

SLAM POETRY & OPEN MIC

EARTH ART  MUSIC  COMEDY  DANCING  FASHION

FRIDAY APRIL 27TH

SHOW STARTS AT 10PM $5 COVER

FRIDAY NIGHT GRIME

DJ KURT - DJ TRVR HOUSE  DUBSTEP



HIP HOP

SATURDAY APRIL 28TH

SOL SEED

SHOW STARTS AT 10PM $10 COVER ROOTZ N CREATION  REGGAE ROOTS

SUNDAY APRIL 29TH BOUNTY MUSIC PRESENTS

SHOW STARTS AT 2PM NO COVER

TC ELECTRONIC DEMONSTRATIONS SPECIAL GUEST WILLIE K MONDAY APRIL 30TH

GLITTER SPRING FLING

MUSIC STARTS AT 9PM $10 COVER

DJ SWEET BEETS  PLUSH  BRANDI MESCA MAKE IT A MEMORABLE EVENING  DINE & DANCE AT CASANOVA FOR DINNER RESERVATIONS CALL 808.572.0220 LOG ON AT WWW.CASANOVAMAUI.COM

SUNDAY BRUNCH WITH

NO COVER KAMA'AINA SPECIALS ALL DAY BREAKFAST SERVED AT 10AM

24

APRIL 26, 2012

TheGRID

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

4/26

4/27

SATURDAY

4/28

MONDAY-WEDNESDAY

SUNDAY

4/30-5/2

4/29

FIND THE GRID ONLINE AT MAUITIME.COM/GRID OR TO HAVE YOUR BUSINESS ADDED TO OUR WEEKLY GRID SEND YOUR INFORMATION TO CALENDAR@MAUITIME.COM

JAVA JAZZ

3350 L. Honoapiilani Rd. - 667-0787

Rick Glencross & Melanie Reid 7pm - close; no cover

Jamie Gallo 7pm - close; no cover

Rick Glencross & Melanie Reid 7pm - close; no cover

Open Mic Night w/ Johnny Ringo 9pm-1:30am; no cover

Salsa Night w/ DJ Royes Dynasty 9pm-2am; no coverin

Bad Kitty, 7pm

Kenny Roberts, 7pm

1810 6:30-8:30pm; no cover

JAY’S PLACE

Wharf Cinema Center, Front St., Lahaina - 661-6699

KAHALE’S

1913 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 875-7711

KIMO’S

845 Front St., Lahaina - 661-4811

KOBE STEAKHOUSE

136 Dickenson St., Lahaina - 667-5555

LAHAINA CAFE

843 Waine’e St., Lahaina - 667-6655

LILIKOI RESTAURANT & WINE BAR 810 Haiku Rd., Haiku - 575-2629

LULU’S LAHAINA

Lahaina Cannery Mall - 661-0808

Eight Track Players, 7pm

The Kihei Cowboys, 7pm

MON - Kawika / TUE - Da Hawaiians / WED - Gina Martinelli (all sets 7pm)

Willie K 9-11pm; no cover

1810 8-10pm; no cover

Benny Uyetake & Glenn Kakagawa 8-10pm; no cover

MON - Glenn Kakagawa, 6-8pm / TUE-WED Sam Ahia, 6:30-8:30pm (all sets no cover)

Karaoke & Dancing w/ Auntie Toddy Lilikoi 9:30-close; no cover

Karaoke & Dancing w/ Auntie Toddy Lilikoi 9:30-close; no cover MON - Trivia Night w/ John, 7-9pm / TUE - Open Mic w/ Kenny, 10pm-12am / WED Megatouch Game Day w/ Katie, 7-9pm

Pool Tournament 7-9pm

Mekila King 7-9pm; no cover

Elaine Ryan 7-9pm; no cover

Gerod Shea 7-9pm; no cover

Braddah Francis 5-8pm; no cover

Kawika Ortiz, 7-9:30pm / DJ Kamikaze, 10pm-close

Fulton Tashombe & The Maui Jazz All-Stars, 7-10pm

888 Front St., Lahaina - 667-2288

1945 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 879-9944

MON - Guest Performer / TUE - Guest Performer / WED - Renee Alonzo (all sets 7pm-close; no cover)

Free Karaoke w/ Danny DJ 10pm-12am; no cover

LONGHI’S LAHAINA LULU’S KIHEI

Guest Performer 7pm - close; no cover

Salsa Night w/ Neto & Barbara Peraza, 8-11pm / DJ Nexus 11pm-close

Requesola w/ Rob & Ron = R2, 6:30-9:30pm / DJ Nexus 10pm-close

Camp Savage 7:30-9:30pm / DJ AstroRaph, 10pm-close

Howard Ahia 6-8pm; no cover / Pool Tournament 7-10:30pm

Marvin Tevaga 6-9pm; no cover / Latin Night w/ DJ Danny 10pm-2am; $10

STATUS w/ DJs Big Mike & Money Mike 9:30pm-2am

TUE - Country Music & Dancing w/ Rick Scanlan, 7-11m / WED - Sebrina Barron 7-9pm; Ladies’ Night w/ DJ La Rage, 10pm-close MON - All Access DJs, 10pm / TUE - Fierce w/ DJ Blast & Chilltown Productions, 9:45pm-1:45am; $5 / WED - Pa’a Mana 9:30-11pm

MOANA BAKERY & CAFE 71 Baldwin Ave., Paia - 579-9999

Phil & Angie Benoit 6:30-8:30pm

MERRIMAN’S

Ranga Pae, 6-9pm

Ranga Pae, 6-9pm

Ranga Pae, 6-9pm

Ranga Pae, 6-9pm

MON - The Benoits / TUE - David Choy / WED - Ranga Pae (all sets 6-9pm)

Murray Thorne, 6:30-8:30pm; no cover / Pub Quiz Superfreakout w/ Trish “The Dish” Smith, 9:30pm-12am; no cover

Sebrina Barron 6:30-8:30pm; no cover

The Sirens 6:30-9pm; no cover

The Celtic Tigers w/ Mad Bagpiper Roger McKinley + Irish dancing lessons 6:30-9:30pm; no cover

MON - TBA, 6:30-8pm; no cover / TUE Brenton Keith & His Bag O’ Tricks, 7-8pm; no cover / WED - Joel Katz, 5:30-6:30pm; no cover / Willie K Dinner Show, 7-9pm; $65

Next Level Entertainment presents Bottoms Up Fridays, 10pm

Humbol Soul and Jah Residentz 10pm; $10

1 Bay Club Pl., Kapalua - 669-6400

MULLIGAN’S ON THE BLUE 100 Kaukahi St., Wailea - 874-1131

OCEANS BAR & GRILL 1819 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 891-2414

FEE-FREE WEEKEND AT HALEAKALA NATIONAL PARK – Sat. & Sun., April 28-29. This weekend, admission to the Haleakala National Park is so low it’s free. So get your hike on! Haleakala National Park (P.O. Box 369, Makawao); npos.gov/hale

SUDNAY, APRIL 29 MAUI MALL FAMILY SUNDAYS – This free monthly event will includes educational hands-on activities, exhibits, entertainment and games, Bingo and prize giveaways. This month celebrates the many wonderful aspects of science, technology, engineering and math. Participants include: Maui Economic Development Board, Maui High School Robotics, Maui Waena Digital Media Club, participants of the Hawaii State Science & Engineering Fair and Maui United Way. Maui Mall will also recognize select students at center stage and give away an iPad and iPod. Free. 11am-2pm. Maui Mall (70 E. Kaahumanu Ave., Kahului); mauimall.com

MUSICAL VOICES MAUI PRESENTS THE OLINDA CHORALE IN CONCERT – See This Week’s Picks for more. $15 suggested donation / free for students with ID. 4pm. Makawao Union Church (1445 Baldwin Ave.); 270-2066; info@musicalvoicesmaui.org

MONDAY, APRIL 30 GOMEGA MONDAYS AT DIAMONDS – Every Mon., it’s Industry Night with Gomega (so if you’re in the service biz, you get 20 percent off). See This Week’s Picks for more. No cover. 10pm. Diamonds

TUE - Open Mic Night 6:30pm-close

WAILEA ON WEDNESDAYS! – Every Wed.,

LOOKING FOR SOMETHING? CALENDAR LISTINGS

ON MAUITIME.COM Ice Bar & Grill (1279 S. Kihei Rd.); 874-9229

TUESDAY, MAY 1 FREE VEGETARIAN COOKING CLASS – Every Tue., Jessica Oshier shares delicious vegetarian recipes. Free. 5:30pm. Down to Earth (305 Dairy Rd., Kahului); 877-2661; facebook.com/downtoearthhi / @downtoearthfood on Twitter

BRENTON KEITH & HIS BAG O’TRICKS AT MULLIGAN’S ON THE BLUE – Every Tue. See This Week’s Picks for more. No cover. 7pm. Mulligan’s on the Blue (100 Kaukahi St., Wailea); 8741131; mulligansontheblue.com

WEDNESDAY, MAY 2

The Shops at Wailea hosts their weekly WOW! (Wailea on Wednesdays!) series, featuring famous local performers in the lower courtyard and a slew of shop-to-shop specials. Free. 6-8:30pm. The Shops at Wailea (Wailea Alanui Dr.); 891-6770; theshopsatwailea.com; @ShopsAtWailea on Twitter

RED CARPET MOVIE NIGHT AT AMBROSIA SCREENS “SWINGERS” (1996) – Two words and an exclamation mark: free popcorn! See This Week’s Picks for more. No cover. 7:30pm. Ambrosia Martini Lounge (1913 S. Kihei Rd.); 891-1011

ka & DaMon., 1:30-3:30pm / 1810 4-6pm / Ben & Glenn, 6-9:30pm. Every Sun., Kawika Lum Ho, 11am1pm / Glenn, 1:30-3:30pm / 1810, 4-6pm / Derick Sebastian Trio, 6:30-9pm. Every Mon., Ernest Pua’a, 11am-1pm / Kawika Lum Ho, 1:30-3:30pm / Armadillo, 4-6pm / Derick Sebastian Trio & Josh Kahula, 6:30-9pm. Every Tue., Kawika Lum Ho, 11am-1pm / Jarrett Roback & Junior Lacuesta, 1:30-3:30pm / Damon Parillo & Danyel Alana, 5-6pm / Ernest Pua’a & Friends, 6:30-9pm. Every Wed., Ernest Pua’a, 11am1pm / Kaniala Masoe, 1:30-3:30pm / Peter DeAquino, 4-6pm / Ernest Pua’a & Friends, 6:30-9pm.

(Whalers Village, Ka’anapali; 667-6636)

DINNER MUSIC

LEILANI’S ON THE BEACH – Every Thu., Jarret

WEST MAUI

& Wilson. Every Fri., JD & Friends. Every Sat., JD & Harry. Every Sun., Merv Oana. All sets 3-5pm. (Whaler’s Village, Ka’anapali; 661-4495)

DUKE’S BEACH HOUSE – Every Thu., Damien

LULU’S LAHAINA SURF CLUB & GRILL –

Awai., 3-5pm / Garret & Peter, 6-8:30pm. Every Fri., Garrett, 3-5pm / Kulewa, 6-8:30pm / Hula performance, 6:30pm. Every Sat., Tim, 3-5pm / Kulewa, 6-8:30pm / Hula performance, 6:30pm. Every Sun., Fausto, 3-5pm / Damon & Tim, 6-8:30pm. Every Mon., Brian, 3-5pm / Eddie & Alika, 6-8:30pm. Every Tue., Bob Deleon, 3-5pm / Eddie & Alika 6-8:30pm. Every Wed., Brian, 3-5pm / Kahala & Daniel, 6-8:30pm.

(130 Kai Malina Pkwy., Lahaina; 662-2900)

HULA GRILL – Every Thu., Ernest Pua’a, 11am1pm / Alika Nako’oka, 1:30-3:30pm / Kaniala Masoe, 4-6pm / Kulewa 6:30-9pm. Every Fri., Kawika Lum Ho, 11am-1pm / Kaniala Masoe, 1:30-3:30pm / 1810, 4-6pm / Kawika, Roy and Albert, 6:30-9pm.

Every Sat., Kawika Lum Ho, 11am-1pm / Ron, Ikai-

Every Thu., Howard Ahia, 6-8pm. Every Fri., Marvin Tevaga, 6-9pm. Every Tue., “Lahaina Idol” karaoke with Troy, 9pm; Every Wed., Kenny Roberts, 5-8pm.

(Lahaina Cannery Mall; 661-0808)

PIONEER INN GRILL & BAR – Every Thu., Greg di Piazza featuring Alana Cini, 5:30-8:30pm. Every Tue., Ah-Tim Elenicki, 5:30-8:30pm. Every Wed., JD on the Rocks, 5-8pm. (658 Wharf St., Lahaina; 6613636)

R.B. BLACK ANGUS STEAKHOUSE – Every Sun., Live Jazz. (4465 Honoapi’ilani Hwy., Lahaina; 669-8889)

SEA HOUSE RESTAURANT – Every Tue. & Fri.,

APRIL 26, 2012

25

TUNE IN APRIL 20TH

26

APRIL 26, 2012

TheGRID

THURSDAY

4/26

FRIDAY

4/27

SATURDAY

4/28

SUNDAY

4/29

MONDAY-WEDNESDAY

4/30-5/2

FIND THE GRID ONLINE AT MAUITIME.COM/GRID OR TO HAVE YOUR BUSINESS ADDED TO OUR WEEKLY GRID SEND YOUR INFORMATION TO CALENDAR@MAUITIME.COM

SANSEI - KAPALUA

Free Karaoke 10pm-1am; no cover

Free Karaoke 10pm-1am; no cover

Free Karaoke 10pm-1am; no cover

SANSEI - KIHEI

Free Karaoke 10pm-1am; no cover

Free Karaoke 10pm-1am; no cover

Free Karaoke 10pm-1am; no cover

SOUTH SHORE TIKI LOUNGE

DJ Blast 10pm-close; no cover

DJ Gemini & DJ Ynot 10pm; no cover

DJ LX 10pm-close; no cover

Kanoa 10pm-close

TUE - DJ LX / WED - Ladies’ Night w/ The ADD Twins (all sets 10pm - close; no cover)

SPORTS PAGE GRILL & BAR

Dan & Anne 7-10pm; no cover

Jacob Abeytia 7-10pm

Kenny Roberts 9am-12pm; no cover

Jordan Tolentino & Gordon Samuelson 9-21pm; no cover

MON - Still Pono Band, 7-10pm; no cover WED - Clay Mortensen, 7-10pm; no cover

Ladies’ Night

Deja Vu 8:30pm; no cover

Harley Dale Brown & Friends 8:30pm; no cover

Get Your Motor Running Free Pupus

MON - Mahalo Mondays Industry Night / WED Free Pool & Free Karaoke, 6pm

Ah-Tim 4-6pm; no cover

Rick Vito / King Paris w/ “Chandu the Genie Giant” 9pm; $12

Supper Club feat.

Hapa 7:30pm; $30/$60

MON - Tom Cherry & Mike Finkewiecz, 4-6pm; Willie K 10pm-12am, $10 / TUE - Tom Conway, 4-6pm / PowerUp Comedy, 9pm / WED - Randall Rospond, 4-6pm / Slam feat. David Choy & Clay Mortensen, 7-10pm

Danyel Alana 9pm-1am; $4

Karaoke w/ Pearl Rose 9pm-12am; no cover

WED - Karaoke w/ Pearl Rose 9pm-12am; no cover

115 Bay Dr., Lahaina - 669-6286

1881 S. Kihei Rd., Ste. KT116, Kihei - 879-0004

1913 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 874-6444

2411 S. Kihei Rd. #B4 - 879-0602

STEEL HORSE SALOON 1234 L. Main St., Wailuku - 243-2206

STELLA BLUES CAFE 1279 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 874-3779

STOPWATCH SPORTS BAR 1127 Makawao Ave., Makawao - 572-1380

R.S. SHARKY’S

The House Shakers 9pm-1am

41 E. Lipoa St., Kihei - 874-6115

THREE’S BAR & GRILL 1945 S Kihei Rd., Kihei - 879-3133

TIFFANY’S

1424 L. Main St., Wailuku - 249-0052

TIMBA

505 Front St, Ste. 212, Lahaina - 661-9873

WATERCRESS

Waiehu Beach Center, Wailuku-243-9351

Kincaid Kupahu, 7-9pm. Every Sun. & Thu., Andrew Kaina, 7-9pm. Every Sat., Coehlo Morrison, 7-9pm.

Every Mon. & Wed., Albert Kaina, 7-9pm. (5900 L. Honoapi’ilani Hwy., Napili; 669-1500)

LIST YOUR EVENT!

Post your free online listing (up to 15 months early), and our editors will consider your submission for the printed calendar as well. Print listings are also free, but subject to space limitations. Online, you can include a full description of your event, a photo and a link to your Web site. Go to mauitime.com/listing and start posting events. Deadline for print listings is 10 days prior to the issue in which you wish the listing to appear.

WAIT, THERE’S MORE!

Looking for something to do? Use MauiTime’s free calendar to browse hundreds of events online. Art galleries, family events, education classes, film and literary events, church groups, music, sports, volunteer opportunities—all this and more on our free events calendar at mauitime. com/calendar.

Start planning your week!

Live Local & Pop Music 5:30-8pm

MON - Eat & Play Night / TUE - Live Balloon Animal Show / WED - Circus Night + Brenton Keith & His Bag O’Tricks

Soul Congress w/ Clay Mortensen 9pm; no cover

Blues Night w/ The House Shakers 9:30pm; no cover

I Want Candy ‘80s Party no cover

Gina Martinelli Band 8:30pm; no cover

WED - The House Shakers 7:30pm; no cover

Karaoke

Karaoke

Karaoke

Karaoke

MON through WED- Karaoke

closed

We Love Timba Fridays 9:45pm-2am; $10

Spun Out w/ DJ Calcul8 9:45pm-2am; $10

closed

MON through WED - closed

Twisted Thursdays w/ Party Rock Krew’s live DJs & go go dancers 10pm; no cover

Forbidden Fridays w/ Party Rock Krew’s live DJs & go go dancers 10pm; no cover

Free Karaoke 9pm; no cover

Free Karaoke 9pm; no cover

MON - Free Karaoke, 9pm / TUE - Thirsty Tuesdays (all day) & Free Karaoke, 9pm / WED Singles’ Night w/ X-Klusive Sounds Productions’ live DJs, 10pm

SOUTH MAUI

AMBROSIA – Every Thu., Jamie Gallo, 7pm. Every Tue., “Glee” on the big screen, 7pm. Every Wed., Red Carpet Movie Night, 7:30pm... May is “Vegas, Baby!” month. This Week: “Saturday Night Live: The Best of Eddie Murphy.” (1913 S. Kihei Rd.; 891-1011)

BEACH BUMS – Every Tue., Randall Rospond, 5-8pm. (Ma’alaea Harbor Shops; 243-2286)

BUZZ’S WHARF – Every Thu., Kanikapila Thursdays. 3-6:30pm. (Ma’alaea Harbor; 244-5426)

HAUI’S LIFE’S A BEACH – Every Thu., Junior Lacuesta, 4-8pm. Every Fri., Tue. & Wed., Rick Glencross, 4-8pm. Every Sat., Ryan Robinson, 4-8pm.

Mon., Jacob (of the Alliez), 4-8pm. (1913 S. Kihei Rd.; 874-1250)

KAI WAILEA – Every Thu., Mon. & Sun., Wolf, 6-8:30pm. Every Fri., Ryan Robinson, 6-8:30pm. EvConway, 6-8:30pm. Every Wed., Francois, 6-8:30pm.

(3750 Wailea Alanui; 875-1955) LULU’S KIHEI – Every Thu., Neto & Barbara, 8-11pm. Every Fri., Ron & Rob = R2, 6:30-9:30pm.

Every Sun., Kawika Ortiz, 7-9:30m. Every Tue., Rick Scanlan, 7-11pm. Every Wed., Sebrina Barron, 7-9pm. (1945 S. Kihei Rd.; 879-9944) MONKEYPOD KITCHEN – Every Thu., Tom & Mike, 6:30-8:30pm. Every Fri., Wolf, 3-5pm and Alika Nako’oka, 6:30-8:30pm. Every Sat., Barefoot Minded 3-5pm and Erin Smith 6:30-8:30pm. Every Sun., Alika Nako’oka, 3-5pm and Kilohana, 6:30-8:30pm.

Every Mon., Ron & Tarvin, 6:30-8:30pm. Every Tue., Kilohana, 6:30-8:30pm. Every Wed., Jarret & Wilson, 6:30-8:30pm.

MULLIGAN’S ON THE BLUE – Thu., Murray Thorne, 7-9pm., Fri., Sebrina Barron, 6:30-8:30pm.

Sat., The Sirens, 6:30-9pm. Sun., The Celtic Tigers w/ Mad Bagpiper Roger McKinley, 6:30-9:30pm.

Mon., TBA, 6:30-8pm. Tue., Brenton Keith & His Bag O’Tricks, 7-8pm. Wed., Joel Katz, 7-9pm / Willie K, 7-9pm. (100 Kaukahi St., Wailea; 874-1131) SOUTH SHORE TIKI LOUNGE – Every Thu., Erin Smith, 4-6pm. Every Fri., Randall Rospond, 4-6pm. Every Sat., Tom Conway, 4-6pm. Every Sun., Viva La Rumba, 4-6pm. Every Mon., Kanoa Kukaua, 4-6pm. Every Tue., Sebrina Barron, 4-6pm. Every Wed., Mark Johnstone, 4-6pm. (1913 S. Kihei Rd.; 874-6444)

KAHULUI ALE HOUSE – Thu., Pi’ilani Arias, 5-8pm. Every Fri., Braddah Francis 4-8pm. Every Mon., Aloha Jam Session Night with hostess Teri Garrison, 8pm. Every Wed., Teri Garrison, 5-8pm / Free Karaoke Night with host Braddah Francis, 8pm. (355 E. Kamehameha Ave., Kahului; 877-9001)

LOCAL MOCAH CAFE – Every Thu., Open Mic Night with Wes Furumoto, 6:30-9pm. (81 Makawao Ave., Pukalani; 573-2859) MAKAWAO STEAK HOUSE – Every Sat., Randall Rospond, 6:30-8:30pm. (3612 Baldwin Ave., Makawao; 572-8711)

STELLA BLUES CAFE – Every Thu., Ah-Tim, 4-6pm. Every Fri., Ahumanu 4-6pm. Every Mon., Tom Cherry & Mike Finkeiwicz, 4-6pm. Every Tue., Tom Conway, 4-6pm. Every Wed., Randall Rospond, 4-6pm / Slam feat. David Choy & Clay Mortensen, 7-10pm. (1279 S. Kihei Rd.; 874-3779)

TRADEWINDS POOLSIDE CAFE – Thu., Kawika Lum Ho, 6-9pm. Fri., Gina Martinelli, 6-9pm.

Sat. Dominic or Mike, 6-9pm. Sun., Rob & Ron = R2, 6-9pm. Sadly, after Apr. 16, Tradewinds will be no more. We’ll miss you, friends! (2259 S. Kihei Rd.; 891-8860)

CENTRAL/UPCOUNTRY CAFE DES AMIS – Every Thu., Joe Conte, 6:308:30pm. Every Sat., Live Argentinian music, 6:308:30pm. Every Wed., Mark Johnstone, 6:30-8:30pm.

(42 Baldwin Ave., Paia; 579-6323) FLATBREAD COMPANY – Every first Thu.,

MONSOON INDIA – Every Sat., Cambria Moss

Randall Rospond, 5:30-8pm. Every third Mon., Wes Furumoto, 6-9pm. (89 Hana Hwy., Paia; 579-8989)

& Ricardo Dioso, 6:30-8:30pm. Every Tue., The Hula Honeys, 5:30-8:30pm. (760 S. Kihei Rd.; 875-6666)

HANA HOU CAFE – Every Tue., Hipnautical, 6-9pm. (Haiku Marketplace, 810 Haiku Rd.; 5752661)

APRIL 26, 2012

27

KULA KID

A Hui Hou, Yo!

Y

Entertainment reviews, Showtimes, Film Capsules, This Week’s Picks, Da Kine Calendar and The Grid (I even muscled-in a couple Food & Drink and Film Critique pieces)–I’ve learned what I like and what I don’t.

Nothing could have prepared me for what it’s like to wield–and be at the whim–of the written word; or for the conjugal visits from my mangled Muse. But now that I’ve had a taste, I don’t think I can do anything else.

As for my next act, I’m not exactly sure. After I’m done reintroducing myself to my family and battling a few demons, I might dabble in freelance journalism and try my fingers at a book or five. But for now, I’m simply looking forward to regular showers, a little sleep and being free of the deadline days’ urge to douse myself in gasoline and strike a match.

Tough as it’s been, I’m thankful for it all–and have a lot of people I’d like to mahalo. Of course, my thanks to Tommy and Jen Russo for their bold shouldering of creating–and keeping–this independent, mom-and-pop weekly; one that can compete with big city pubs while staying hyperlocal. My now-editor Anthony “Boss” Pignataro deserves praise for his patience alone. His wry wit and technical knowhow has taught me tons in the last 10 months since his return. Brad Chambers

BY ANU YAGI

ou know what got me this job (almost) three years ago? A for-fun story about feral rat rape and remorse. It was just some dumb thing written solely to xerox and trade with friends at a wannabe writers’ group. To tell you the horrible truth, it was the first written thing I’d ever finished.

My predecessor, Kate Bradshaw (who was moving back to the Mainland), was at that meetup and read my work. She must have liked it–or hated me–because she recommended that I apply for her gig at MauiTime.

I grew up reading MT, and revered Kate and the women who’d come before her. Simply hoping that I could work as Starr Begley (“Restless Native”) and Sam Campos (the venerable “Holoholo Girl”) had was enough for me to quickly quit my job as a legal office gopher. Thanks to then-editor Jacob Shafer–whose only fault is his great faith in me–I was given a chance

to do the one thing I’d always wanted to do: write.

I reminisce on all this because it’s the 85th and final entry of “Kula Kid.” The cutman in my corner can’t keep up with my swollen wounds so, slumped on the ropes, I’m throwing in the towel as MT’s associate editor. (But before you start tossing confetti and highfiving strangers, know that I’ll still be submitting stuff whenever Boss Pignataro is hard-up for content.)

My time here has been gorgeous, tortuous and transformative. The experience has been everything but easy, and I’m grateful for that. Everyone needs a good ass-kicking now and again–me more than most–and the MT beat levels formidable wallops.

While I’ve learned–and loved–a lot, it’s now time for me to salvage some semblance of life from the festering wreckage I’ve become and, with any luck, re-enter the wordsmiths’ ring with renewed vigor.

From Volume 13/Issue 2 through Volume 15/ Issue 45 (that’s this one!), I’ve penned hundreds of stories and blurbs. Somewhere amidst the mad dash–writing cover features, Upfront News, Arts &

brings in, like, all of the business’ money–and he’s the quintessential bad-ass. Scrappers is kick-ass (and says farewell this week, too) and is by far the most creative and challenging comrade I’ve had the pleasure of teaming with. I could also wax poetic about Ynez Tongson, Sean Michael Hower, Dina Wilson, Amy Mendolia, Keo Eaton and Jenn Brown, but have to bid adieu...

If clickety clacking for my buttered bread has taught me anything, it’s that writing is a craft of soapbox building and tomato shielding. Nothing in life’s black and white, but you’ve got to ink it as such if it’s to be read all over. Then you’ve got to be willing to endure inevitable backlash; affirming choices, acquiescing to critique and–the hardest part–accepting compliments.

That’s where my most important thanks comes in–to you, dear reader. Mahalo for caring to engage in a way that’s made for a most fulfilling talk story. Kula Kid may be dead as of today, but I hope we can continue our conversation anyway.

OK, go ahead and cue the orchestra’s shut-thefuck-up music...■

To share or save: mt.hy.pr/1545k

anu@mauitime.com

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HOROSCOPE

Sign Language

BY CAERIEL CRESTIN TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20)

You are not widely known for your ability to compromise—for good reason. You rarely do it, you stubborn Bull. But that doesn’t mean you’re not capable of it, when there’s compelling reasons to do so. However, because you’re not practiced at bending in these particular directions, you might need a little help from an unbiased third party who can help you and your “negotiating partner” come to a reasonably happy agreement, and call you out when you’re just plain being unrealistic or unfair (which is bound to happen once or twice). This can be an easy conversation, if you include the right people. Please do.

SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21)

Never apologize for how deeply you care about the loves in your life. It might freak some people out, or scare others off, but that’s their problem, not yours. View them with compassion—their bullshit comes from being afraid, or maybe for never having deeply loved anyone or anything. In that case, showing them how to passionately be into someone or something is the coolest thing you can do. Be an example. The end result can only be more love (and yes, probably more sex) in the world— and that’s got to be a good thing.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 21) GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20)

Most of you are upstanding ethical human beings, almost all of the time. But generally every Gemini has had a moment or two in their life where they wanted something so badly that they at least seriously considered using whatever methods they could imagine to get what they desired. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

You wouldn’t be the first person who struggled with the urge to allow the ends to justify the means. But hopefully if a moment like that occurs in the near future, you’re now wise enough to know that getting what you want by doing something you’re not proud of pretty much ruins it. Get it legitimately, or not at all.

CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22)

It’s one thing to indulge in a brownie. Other kinds of temptations, however, carry with them more dire consequences. It’s easy to allow the compelling quality of whatever (or whoever) is in front of you to eclipse all those ramifications, but this week you must carefully look past its delightfulness at what will probably happen, sooner or later, if you go there. It’s a little less wonderful now, isn’t it? You should have the kind of maturity right now to take in this big picture and keep your life on track—or if you decide to take it off the rails it’s been on, to do so with your eyes wide open.

Being the unapologetic truth-teller you are, playing the role of squeaky wheel, when necessary, comes naturally to you. Keep playing it. But recognize that your candor has put you in the very cool position of saying nice things about others and having it seem like more than just a lot of ass-kissing hot air. Just imagine how much more lovely our world would be if people dished out more compliments than complaints. Help bring us closer to that sweet spot by singing the praises of everything great in your life, this week, and onwards, into the future.

CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN. 19)

Occasionally, when we start having those feelings that the grass is greener elsewhere, it’s because we actually do regret the path we’ve chosen, and would be happier elsewhere. But most of the time it’s because we idealize that other place, and the truth is, if we got there, we’d be just as unhappy. Most of the sources of your own discontent are internal, not external. That may be hard to wrap your head around, and even harder to do anything about; nevertheless, learning how to simply be happy where you are, instead of fantasizing about being somewhere else, is this week’s task.

1: C–13.9 percent.

2: A–$5

3: E–Hirono for Senate, Hanabusa for 1st District, Gabbard for 2nd District.

PANELISTS

MAUI SOCIAL MEDIA USERS GROUP Thursday, April 26th, 2012 : 4PM-6:30PM

Malcom Center : Kihei, HI 96753

JEFF BENNET @DIGITALSPLASH

& Wednesday, May 2nd, 2012 : 4PM-6:30PM LIZA PIERCE @AMAUIBLOG

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AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18)

Over time, you’ve concocted rules for yourself and how you deal with relationships, particularly romantic ones. Most (or perhaps even all) of these rules are sensible, logical and based on your own experience and self-knowledge. Here’s the thing, though. People change (even you), sometimes without even noticing it. Some of those rules might no longer apply. What’s also true is that, like it or not, they may also be keeping you from experiences you’d be better off having. Experiment with breaking a rule or two now and again, just to make sure they’re still worth abiding by. You may be very glad you did.

LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22)

...to questions from page 4

A wonderful thing about you, Aquarius, is that you find it easier than most to keep your eyes on the big picture, and rarely make mountains of molehills based on your own emotional response. As you’ve surely observed, however, some people lack this knack. They somehow make everything about them, and there’s not much you can do to successfully redirect their attention to the situation that’s actually happening, instead of the self-obsessed scenario inside their heads. Of course, sometimes you have to work with these people despite the annoyance and hassle. Fortunately this week isn’t one of those times. When they get stuck in their self-rut, just leave them to it. Walk away.

QUIZunderstood ANSWERS

VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEPT. 22)

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PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20)

When your problem has a simple, attainable solution, don’t resist using it just because it doesn’t conform to how you originally wanted to address this problem or match up with what you consider an ideal solution. Don’t be a masochist (if you can help it). Why make life more complicated for yourself? It has enough unavoidable tangles as it is. Since unraveling this one is as simple as making a phone call or throwing a small amount of money at it, I’d say embrace the simplicity and effectiveness and take pleasure in crossing this quandary off your list.

Sometimes when you’re done, you’re done. It would’ve been nice if you could have realized this earlier, and possibly said or done something to avoid ending up here. But occasionally you don’t realize you’ve crossed the point of no return until it’s already miles behind you. If that’s happened, recognize that there’s no salvaging this situation (for you) and be as kind as possible—which may involve brutally and finally dashing anyone else’s hopes of altering the outcome. It’s not fair that it’s too late for that—but that doesn’t change the fact that it really is simply too late for that.

LIBRA (SEPT. 23-OCT. 22)

Libras, while excellent mediators for others’ conflicts, tend to avoid ones where you’re directly involved, because that’s when stuff gets messy and unpleasant, and your diplomatic powers do you no good whatsoever. Unfortunately, as hard as you try, you can’t be agreeable all the time and just go along with whatever’s happening. Sometimes it’s important for you to take a stand and stick up for what you believe in or want to do. The important thing to remember is to stick to your guns, once you pull them out of their holsters. If you back down at the first sign of trouble, you might as well not bother; go buy a t-shirt with the label “Doormat,” instead.

ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19)

One of the best things about you is your ability to surprise people with unexpected layers and facets of your personality. At times you seem endearingly focused and simple, like a loveable cartoon character. So it’s delightful when you reveal your many other aspects and depths. This week, those are your secret weapons. Your single-mindedness up until now has set you up perfectly to delight and amaze with the wonderful versatility you’re going to display this week. Be flattered, not insulted, by their shock, and they’ll be that much more impressed. Go on, Aries. Get out there and rock some worlds.

sign.language.astrology@gmail.com

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ALOHA VALUED READERS We would like to let our readers know that we try to screen most of our ads. We read back the ad copy to ensure that it is the correct information that advertisers want. If you see the acronym (AAN CAN) that ad is a national ad and was not submitted directly to us. If you have a question directly concerning AAN CAN, please check out aancan.org

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