15.39 Nine Bills, March 15, 2012, Volume 15, Issue 39, MauiTime

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MARCH 15, 2012

Contents VOLUME 15

THIS WEEK’S QUESTION:

What old TV show (that hasn’t already been made into a movie) should be made into a movie?

Editor: Anthony Pignataro (808) 283-1308 / anthony@mauitime.com @apignataro on Twitter Airwolf

Associate Editor: Anu Yagi (808) 264-8039 / calendar@mauitime.com @anuheayagi on Twitter Checkers and Pogo

Proofreader: Dina Wilson The Newshour with Jim Lehrer

Contributors: Caeriel Crestin, Jory John, Avery Monsen, Ron Pitts, Chuck Shepherd, Ynez Tongson, Barry Wurst II

Photographer: Sean Michael Hower mauiweddingmedias.com / howerphotography.com H.R. Pufnstuf

Art Director & Production Manager: Scrappers scrapperstown.com & thedepartmentofawesome.com Bigfoot and Wildboy

Graphic Designers: Amy Mendolia (Captain Planet), Christina Tarleton

Advertising Executive: Brad Chambers (808) 283-3260 / brad@mauitime.com Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp

General Manager: Jennifer Russo (808) 280-3286 / jen@mauitime.com @jenrusso on Twitter

Admin. Executive: Keo Eaton (808) 244-0777

Admin. Assistant: Jennifer Brown Beverly Hills 90210

Web Design: Linear Publishing

Publisher: Tommy Russo (808) 283-0512 / tommy@mauitime.com @tommyrusso on Twitter The Love Boat

✚

ISSUE 39

COVER: Artrwork by Scrappers scrapperstown.com

4 10 12 17 19 20 21 22 23 28 29 30 31

NEWS & VIEWS FEATURE STORY Dining THIS WEEK’S PICKS Album Review Film Critique Film Times Da Kine Calendar The Grid Kula Kid Horoscope Classified Mind, Body & Spirit

READER FEEDBACK by readers like you no qualms with a compromise. So I will see WHAT’S YOUR SIGN?

Just need to point out that’s a State, not County sign (Eh Brah!, Mar. 8, 2012). I will notify State DOT about your concerns.

Mahalo.

-Rod Antone, County of Maui Director of Communications, via Mauifeed.com

HATES CLOSED MEETINGS

I believe that this would be a violation of the Federal Brown Act (“Sunblock,” Mar. 8, 2012). Where is the County Council? They should have nipped this in the bud!

-Steve Carr, via Mauifeed.com Positions of public election or appointment should maintain an extremely high level of accountability. The importance of their positions warrant it.

-Stephanie Costantino, via MauiTime.com

DISSING THE DESCENDANTS

The movie was not realistic (Kula Kid, Mar. 8, 2012). In the Academy’s infinite wisdom, the movie got what it deserved.

- “MauiBrad,” via MauiTime.com

DOESN’T LIKE THE LC, EITHER

MauiTime is published every Thursday by MauiTime Productions, Inc. Its contents are Copyright © 2011 by MauiTime Productions, Inc. All rights reserved. Subscriptions are available at $70 per year.

Reproduction or use without permission is strictly prohibited. MauiTime may be distributed only by MauiTime’s authorized independent contractor. MauiTime is valued at $.50 per copy and permits one complimentary copy per person. No person may, without written permission of MauiTime, take more than one copy of each weekly issue. All opinions expressed throughout MauiTime are those of the authors and not necessarily the same opinions as MauiTime Productions, Inc. and MauiTime.

MauiTime 33 N. Market St., Ste. 201, Wailuku, HI 96793 office (808) 244-0777 • fax (808) 244-0446 www.mauitime.com @mauitime on Twitter Deadlines: Display Advertising: Friday Noon Classified: Monday 4pm Calendar: Monday Noon Circulation: 18,000 copies of MauiTime

Well, this doesn’t look good on paper or on my PC (“Has Time Run Out For The Triangle?”, Mar. 8, 2012). Nor does it sound good from the tourists, employees and musicians. As a 99 percent, AA man, I have

you there at the 9am Wednesday meeting.

Hope cool heads prevail!

-Terry Swann, via MauiTime.com

Maui is the most beautiful place but it is polluted with too many coconut heads in charge. Maui is number one worst place to do business. OPEN YOUR EYES! The LC and commissions do FAR more HARM than good. They are incompetent.

Eliminate them. I have tried and tried again to create businesses and jobs here only to be stopped by the idiots in charge and their moron supporters. I have created a business on the mainland with 30 high paying tech jobs. I will return to Maui to enjoy nature but will avoid all contact with people here. GOOD BYE. -“Born & Raised here, NOW LEAVING,” via MauiTime.com

PUTTING IT BLUNTLY

Didn’t Lingle come out with a statement against the Blunt Amendment? So she would be on the same side of the issues as Emily’s List right? Guess they jumped the gun on this one...

- “FlyOnTheWall,” via MauiTime.com Anthony Pignataro responds: Yes, Lingle said she opposes the Blunt Amendment. But her giving Blunt such a prominent place in her fundraiser sends enough mixed signals to make the EMILY’s List denunciation still logical, in my opinion.

Send your feedback

to the editor

editor@mauitime.com, MauiTime 33 N. Market St., Ste. 201, Wailuku, HI 96793, twitter.com/mauitime, or facebook.com/mauitime.

We reserve the right to edit feedback. Views expressed do not necessarily reflect those of MauiTime.

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News&Views

QUIZunderstood

2. On Mar. 9, the Maui News reported that in 2004, the Maui Land & Pineapple Company employed 1,370 people.

How many employees does the company have today?

A. 1,370 B. 1,565 C. 532 D. 380 E. 29

3.

The Hawaii Democratic Party held

its presidential caucus on Mar. 7. According to Maui County Democratic Party Chairman Todd Craine, who’s quoted in the Mar. 9 Maui News, how

1. A Mar. 12 report on Hawaii Pub-

lic Radio stated that the U.S. Census said that about HOW MANY people in each county in Hawaii actually speak Hawaiian?

A. 5,000 B. 1,000 C. 500 D. 100 E. 50

many delegate votes did President Barack Obama get on Maui?

A. 510 B. 75 C. 980 D. 220 E. 1,020

See answers, page 29

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MARCH 15, 2012

News&Views

Coconut Wireless

Talk of the Island

by Anthony Pignataro

Olowalu: needs more buildings

OLOWALU LIVES

This month, if the weather forces you to spend more time indoors than you originally planned, you might want to consider perusing Olowalu Town LLC’s new and massive environmental impact statement.

It’s all online, in its thousand-plus page glory (we posted links to the pdf documents at MauiFeed.com).

The weight of the EIS is fitting for such a project, which as this excerpt from the EIS intro points out, will change the Westside in dramatic ways: “At final build-out, the Master Plan will consist of approximately 1,500 residential dwelling units to be built concurrent with appropriate infrastructure in phases spread out over a period of approximately 10 years.

There will be a wide variety of single-family and multi-family dwelling types, including houses, apartments, townhouses, live-work units, cottages, rural homes and farmsteads, to be offered at a wide range of income levels, including both rental and fee ownership. A substantial portion of the homes are planned for much-needed affordable housing and senior living.”

Of course, project developer Bill Frampton of Frampton & Ward, envisions the Olowalu project as being more about small towns than big construction.

“Olowalu Town has pledged to develop a community where Maui’s residents can afford to live and raise families,” he said in a Mar. 9 press release. “A community that reflects both Maui’s small town values and innovative design concepts. A community where infrastructure is built concurrent with the homes. A community with a strong base of locally owned small businesses providing good jobs. A community that opposes the idea of injection wells and makes protection of our reefs a priority.”

But Mike Foley, who served as Alan Arakawa’s planning department director during his first mayoral administration, isn’t buying it. “Olowalu is a terrible project, contrary to many good planning principles, like build near jobs & schools,” he commented on MauiTime’s Facebook page in regards to the blog post I ran last week on the release of the EIS. “Olowalu also has Maui’s best reef.”

The state Land Use Commission (LUC) will be taking comments on the EIS up to April 21, 2012. For more information, please contact Dan Davidson at the LUC at 808-587-3826.

decisive in the Republican Party that no candidate finishes the primary circuit with enough delegates to secure the presidential nomination. Long a wet dream of political junkies like myself because of the chaos and corruption they enshrine, so-called “brokered conventions” haven’t been seen in a generation. But the odds are getting better with each week. In fact, according to Mother Jones Washington Editor David Corn, former Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele–who pushed for the delegate reallocation rules, in fact–actually WANTS a brokered convention: “‘I wanted a brokered convention,’ Steele tells me. ‘That was one of my goals.’ Why in the world would a party chairman desire apparent turmoil? To create excitement and shake up the party, Steele explains. So far this year, he has indeed succeeded in one regard: The Republican race remains unsettled. And that’s unsettling many within

THE REPUBLICANS DIE

And so the Republican Party held its primary caucus in Hawaii on Tuesday. And Mitt Romney won! (though Hawaii's 17 delegates and 17 alternates won't make up for his humiliating losses in Mississippi and Alabama to that evangelical gay-bashing upstart Rick Santorum. Ron Paul, the darling of the anti-war, anti-Federal Reserve crowd, came in third. That makes Newt Gingrich the biggest loser of the night, since he came in a miserable fourth in Hawaii even though he actually campaigned here last summer (guess that means we won't be rerunning that kickass Wilder Schmaltz illustration of Gingrich in a thong anytime soon).

As you’ve probably noticed, the Republican Party has changed things up this election, mostly by reworking how delegates were allocated in each primary race or caucus. The result has been a circus only the media could love, in which four candidates battle each other week after week with no clear front runner emerging.

As they do every election, some pundits are speculating that things may be so in-

It's a party!

Overheard “You need to be grounded to the earth.

If you’ve got rubber under your soles, then you’re not grounded, and you’re not someone I have anything in common with.”

-Guy in the Wharf Cinema Center in Lahaina, Mar. 10

the party’s upper ranks.”

The best irony here? Corn reported that Romney and his minions pushed hardest for Steele’s reforms because they thought it would make it easy for him to secure the presidential nomination. Now, it seems, those same reforms are helping keep Romney from grabbing the prize he considers his.

THE MEDIA WINS!

Since we’re talking about politics and conservative candidates, it’s a good time to refer to Ezra Klein’s great essay titled “Our Corrupt Politics: It’s not all money,” which is running in the current issue of The New York Review of Books.

Klein’s research shows that lobbying and lobbyists can be nefarious without ever giving or bribe or engaging in what we now consider to be corrupt behavior, but he also made a thoughtful observation that could spell the death of the moderate views that candidates like Romney supposedly hold dear.

“Conversely, small donors, particularly on the congressional level, tend to be more ideological types,” Klein wrote.

“There’s good evidence that legislators who make extreme statements have an easier time fund-raising than those who don’t.

When House Republican Joe Wilson shouted ‘You lie!’ during President Obama’s health care address, he raised $2 million in under a week. The thing about the ‘sensible middle’ is that they, quite sensibly, don’t spend all that much of their time following congressional races, or even politics.

So politicians looking for small donors need to find the engaged, invested voters who are actually interested in primary campaigns, and those voters are usually so engaged and invested because they have chosen a side, and done so strongly.”

We can see this anecdotally in the current Republican Party orthodoxy. Whereas a generation ago, Republicans seemed to tolerate the scientific basis of climate change, today it has become, in the words of Santorum, a “litmus test” for future Republican candidates: deny that humanity has anything to do with climate change, or face excommunication from the party and denial of contributor dollars. It’s a strategy that will leave just one group happy: media guys like me who delight in pointing out the foolishness of our leaders even as our world decays and crumbles around us. ■ anthony@mauitime.com + @apignataro

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News&Views

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LOCAL PLUGS

by JEN RUSSO

Sharon Suzuki

MECO GETS NEW BOSS

On May 1, Sharon Suzuki will take over as president of Maui Electric Company (MECO). Current president Ed Reinhardt will retire after 10 years as president and 26 years with MECO. Suzuki is currently MECO’s manager of renewable energy services. Maui Electric is the sole provider of public electricity in Maui County and a subsidiary of Hawaiian Electric Co. “I am very honored to be given this opportunity,” said Suzuki. “I look forward to working with the Maui Electric team to meet and surpass our goals for clean energy and customer service. With the foundation that Ed has built, we are well on our way.”

Suzuki has also held positions as Maui Electric’s manager of customer service, Hawaiian Electric director of account services

and residential and commercial/industrial energy efficiency program manager. She has worked in strategic planning and management consulting with Pacific Resources, Inc., Coopers & Lybrand, Arthur Young & Co., Northrop and Hughes Aircraft. She is a Certified Energy Manager, with a Masters of Business Administration in Finance from California State University at Fullerton, a Bachelor of Arts in Economics and Japanese from the University of Michigan and is a graduate of Castle High School.

“Sharon has a collaborative management style and demonstrated ability to understand and address the needs of diverse stakeholders,” said Reinhardt. “She’s played a key role at Maui Electric and I know she’ll do a great job leading the team.”

Reinhardt will become president emeritus on May 1 until his official retirement at the end of June.

“Under Ed’s guidance, Maui Electric has become a global leader in integrating clean energy, with large- scale wind energy, more than 600 percent growth in solar energy in the last three years and the use of biofuels for power generation,” said Dick Rosenblum, Hawaiian Electric president and chief executive officer. “Ed has also been instrumental in encouraging innovative projects for the future such as capturing power plant stack gas to produce algae for biofuels, wave energy, electric vehicles and smart grid initiatives. He works closely with the Maui community and his leadership will be greatly missed. At the same time, Sharon brings an established record in strategic planning and managing renewable energy programs, customer service operations, integrated resource planning and energy efficiency programs. Working with our strong operations team, Maui Electric will be in good hands under her leadership.”

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BAILEY HOUSE GETS NEW GRANTS

Get ready to party outside at the Bailey House Museum in Wailuku. The Maui Historical Society has recently accepted a $7,000 improvement grant from Maui Electric Co. to complete an outdoor lighting project. This is a continuation of electrical improvements for the aging and historical building that began in 2008.

In February, the Maui Historical Society (mauimuseum.org) also received a $7,000 grant from the Fred Baldwin Memorial Foundation for repairs to the historic house and museum. Proposed repairs include replacing water and termite damaged woodwork, reglazing and repainting windows and replacing broken glass window panes, filling gauges and painting the interior hard wood floors.

The Bailey House was built in 1833 and was part of the Wailuku Female Seminary, a school for Hawaiian girls. Later it served as the Bailey family home. The Bailey House

opened as a museum in 1957. The 0.7 acre historic site was placed on the National and Hawaii Registers of Historic Places in 1972.

The new outdoor lighting project will improve safety and allow the Maui Historical Society to hold evening functions like concerts and fundraising events. It will also make the Bailey House grounds available in the evening for wedding receptions and parties.

Upcoming Bailey House events include a reading by local playwright Wayne Moniz on Mar. 31, 2012 at 4pm, in addition to their ongoing exhibits. Moniz will read from his new book, Beyond the Reef: Stories of Maui in the World. The program will also include music by Maui-born and Hoku Award-winning artists Kevin Brown and Sheldon Brown.

For more information, call Bailey House Museum at 244-3326, fax 244-3920 or email at baileyhousemuseum@clearwire.net. ■ jen@mauitime.com + @jenrusso

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News&Views

NEWS OF THE WEIRD

by CHUCK SHEPARD BEHOLD THE NEXT ECONOMIC BUBBLE: PAINTINGS!

The royal family of Qatar, apparently striving for art-world credibility, purchased a Paul Cezanne painting (“The Card Players”) last year for the equivalent of about $250 million, which is twice as much as the previous most-expensive painting sold for. (Qatar is vying with the United Arab Emirates to become the Middle East’s major intellectual hub.) At the same time that Qatar’s purchase was made public in February, artwork of the probable value of about $200 million became news in reports of the imminent Facebook initial public offering. Graffiti artist (“muralist”) David Choe stood to make about that amount because he took stock instead of money to paint the lewd themes on the walls of Facebook’s first offices. Even though Choe was quoted as saying, originally, that he found the whole idea of Facebook “ridiculous and pointless,” his shares today are reportedly worth up to one quarter of one percent of the company.

percent chance of survival. However, less than a month later, during a severe coughing spell, she actually coughed out the entire tumor in two pieces. Subsequent tests revealed no trace of cancer in her body. (Doctors hypothesized that, fortuitously, the tumor was growing on a weak stalk that was overcome by the force of the cough.)

FINE POINTS OF THE LAW

The Houston Funding debt collection company in Houston, Texas, had fired receptionist Donnicia Venters shortly after she returned from maternity leave when she announced that she intended to breastfeed her child and needed space in the office to pump her breast milk. The U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission sued Houston Funding for illegal discrimination based on “pregnancy, childbirth or related medical conditions,” but in February, federal judge Lynn Hughes (Mr. Lynn Hughes) rejected the EEOC’s reasoning. The law does not, he wrote, cover “lactation” discrimination.

Last year, the Cape Town, South Africa “gentlemen’s club” Mavericks began selling an Alibi line of fragrances designed for men who need excuses for coming home late. For example, as men come through the door, they could splash on “I Was Working Late” (to reek of coffee and cigarettes) or “My Car Broke Down” (evoking fuel, burned rubber and grease).

In December, National Geographic lamented that the number of South Africa’s rhinoceroses killed by poaching increased by a third in 2011, to 443, as a response to the booming street price of rhino horns. MSNBC reported that the horns’ market price “soared to about $65,000 a kilogram, making (them) more expensive than gold, platinum, and in many cases, cocaine.” The reason for the price is an escalating, though science-free, belief in Asia that rhino horn powder can cure cancer.

THE ENTREPRENEURIAL SPIRIT

BIPARTISANSHIP

White supremacist Richard Treis, 38, was arrested in February in St. Louis, along with his alleged partner, black gang member Robert “Biz” Swinney, 22, and charged with running a huge methamphetamine operation. The two, who had met at a prison halfway house, had allegedly meshed their unique talents–Treis as a meth cook and Swinney as a skilled street seller who recruited people to buy restricted pseudoephedrine products from pharmacies.

Said a deputy, “They put away their differences to get the job done.”

CAN’T POSSIBLY BE TRUE

“[A] growing number of scientists” are at work on biocomputer models based on movements of slime to solve complex-systems problems, according to a December report in London’s Daily Telegraph. Though slime molds are single-cell organisms lacking a “brain,” said professor Toshiyuki Nakagaki of Japan’s Future University Hakodate, they somehow can “organize” themselves to create the most direct route through mazes in order to find food. Said professor Atsushi Tero, of Kyushu University, ordinary computers are “not so good” at finding such ideal routes because of the quantity of calculations required, but slime molds seem to flow “in an impromptu manner” and gradually find the best routes.

MEDICAL MARVELS

Claire Osborn, 37, of Coventry, England, was diagnosed in October with an aggressive, inoperable throat-mouth cancer and given a 50

Send anonymous thanks, confessions or accusations, 200 words or less (which we reserve the right to edit), changing or deleting the names of the guilty and innocent, to “Eh Brah!” c/o MauiTime, 33 N. Market St, Ste. 201, Wailuku, HI 96793 or send an e-mail to

ehbrah@mauitime.com

T

o the person who left a box of three-day old puppies on the side of the road in a cardboard box. Really!? Have you no soul? You could have taken them to the Humane Society or put them on Craigslist so that they would have had a chance to survive. Just because you aren’t responsible enough to get you dog spayed doesn’t mean innocent puppies should die from cold or starvation. I’m sure momma dog suffered when her pups were taken away from her a few days after giving birth. Despite what you may think, animals do have feelings and emotions. Suffering did occur, and you alone are to blame for it. Your actions were selfish and cruel and you should be ashamed of yourself! Grow up, take responsibility and get your dog fixed. People like you shouldn’t have dogs at all. ■

LEADING ECONOMIC INDICATORS

Illustration by Ron Pitts mauiartistronpitts.com

THE WEIRDO-AMERICAN COMMUNITY

In February, a jury in Thousand Oaks, Calif., acquitted Charles Hersel, 41, of molesting children. Though Hersel admitted through his lawyer that he paid high school students to spit in his face and yell profanities at him, and had offered to pay them money to urinate and defecate on him, jurors found that he must have done those things for reasons other than “sexual gratification” and therefore, technically, did not violate the statute under which he was charged.

LEAST COMPETENT CRIMINALS

According to prosecutors in Camden, S.C., in November, Christopher Hutto, 30, needed money badly to buy crack cocaine, but the best plan he could devise was getting a friend to telephone Hutto’s mother and demand a ransom. Though Hutto, according to the phone call, supposedly had been beaten up by kidnappers and dumped in a secret location and was “near death,” the “kidnapper” asked only for $100. The un-eager mother dawdled a bit until she and the caller had negotiated the ransom down to $60. (The money drop was made, and sheriff’s deputies arrested Hutto running from the site with the booty.) ■ chuck@mauitime.com

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March 15, 2012

9

A rundow

on big bil

ls

that hav

e gotten

little pre ss

n

By Anthony P ig

nataro

I

SB 3031 “Relating to Intoxicating Liquor”

SB 2642 “Making An Appropriation For The Hawaii Tourism Authority”

HB 2611 “Relating to Environ mental Impact Statements”

SB 2399 “Relating to Urban Art”

t’s that time again: that magical moment when proposed bills in Hawaii pass three readings in their legislative body of origin and then crossover to the other house. To celebrate, here are the details on nine bills that have somehow survived and are headed to vote. Oahu blogger/investigative reporter Ian Lind (ilind.net) found them (among others) a few weeks ago, but wasn’t able to provide more than the barest info on them.

Some are good, others not so much. The only thing they have in common is that none of the bills have gotten much publicity.

So if you find something you like (or hate), go online to the state of Hawaii legislative website at capitol.hawaii.gov. There you’ll find daily updated info on all pending legislation, as well as great resources on committees and elected representatives.

Have fun!

10

MARCH 15, 2012

SB 2398 “Relating to Tattoo Artists”

SB 2106 “Relating to Health”

HB 2324 “Relating to Broadband”

SB 3031 “Relating to Intoxicating Liquor” PURPOSE

Changes state liquor law to clarify “that a licensee who timely prevents or suppresses any violent, quarrelsome, disorderly, lewd, immoral, or unlawful conduct of any person on the premises is not in violation of the law on certain prohibitions on liquor licensees.”

WHO LIKES IT

CenterPlate, the concessionaire for Blaisdell Arena and the Waikiki Shell. The company says the bill “addresses a problem with Hawaii’s Iiquor licensing law that we have encountered when people manage to sneak illegal drugs (primarily marijuana) into an event at one of our large public venues.”

WHO DOESN’T LIKE IT

City and County of Honolulu Liquor Commission has concerns, one of which calls the whole measure into question. “Because liquor

SB 2339 “Relating to Ethanol”

SB 2433 “Relating to Challenge Course Technology”

control investigators exercise limited discretion in the field, it is likely that the proposed amendment will not result in fewer violations being issued to licensees,” LC Administrator Greg I. Nishioka testified on Feb. 14. “As only the commissions and adjudication boards can make the determination of what is or is not “timely” under the circumstances, Iicensees will still have to appear before the decision makers to justify the timeliness of its response for a violation of HRS §281-78(b)(6).”

STATUS

Passed first reading in the House.

SB 2642 “Making An Appropriation For The Hawaii Tourism Authority” PURPOSE

“Appropriates an unspecified sum for the Hawaii tourism authority for fiscal year 20122013 for initiatives to take advantage of expanded visa programs and increased travel

opportunities for international visitors to Hawaii.”

WHO LIKES IT

The Hawaii Tourism Authority, the Hawaii Lodging & Tourism Association, Outrigger Hotels, AQUA Hotels and Resorts, Hyatt Regency Waikiki Beach Resort & Spa, the Airlines Committee of Hawaii, the Airport Concessionaires Committee, Hawaiian Airlines, ILWU Local 142, Retail Merchants of Hawaii, Enterprise Honolulu, Hawaiian Electric Company, Oceanic Time Warner Cable, Atlantis Adventures, PHT, Makani Kai Helicopter, Maui Classic Charters, Smith’s Motor Boat Service, the Attractions Association of Hawaii, the Polynesia Cultural Center, True Blue and Dragon Tours and Travel.

WHO DOESN’T LIKE IT

No one filed testimony in opposition to the bill, but I can’t imagine that anyone who thinks the hotels, resorts, airlines, restaurants and activity companies that make up the state’s enormously lucrative tourism industry should be funding their own tourist marketing efforts is too happy with the bill.

STATUS

Passed House Tourism and International Affairs Committees.

HB 2611 “Relating to Environmental Impact Statements”

PURPOSE

“Clarifies” exemptions to state environmental laws on minor road work projects, eliminating the need for these projects to conduct full environmental impact statements.

WHO LIKES IT

The state Department of Transportation, Hawaii Chamber of Commerce, Building Industry Association, Hawaiian Electric Company and Maui Electric Company. “The amendment will save the Department of Transportation unnecessary work effort and man hours on the processing of minor work project reviews,” states the DOT’s testimony on the bill. “Without the exemption, we’re looking at a range of processing times and costs from several months and several thousands of dollars (for simple projects such as a home driveway access) to possibly a year or more and tens of thousands of dollars if a consultant needs to be retained to process an environmental review due to any opposition to the minor work project.”

“S. B. 2399 attempts to tum a problem into a service that benefits the community through assigning specific locations, art supplies, and procedures where young potential artists can express themselves without violating the law. We view this as a viable solution by government officials to encourage urban art, in the spirit of public murals and street art, which have successfully engaged urban populations and diverse audiences in communities around the world.”

WHO DOESN’T LIKE IT

According to the testimony received by the Senate, just the Outdoor Circle. “The Outdoor Circle believes that this legislation will likely result in degrading the beauty of Hawaii, lowering the quality of life for our residents and lowering the value of the islands to the same potential visitors that we spend millions of dollars to attract,” testified Bob Loy, the Outdoor Circle’s director of environmental programs. “Allowing public property to become the canvass for art work, regardless of the style or subject matter, is completely inappropriate and is sure to bring pressure from other groups to be allowed to do the same.”

STATUS

Passed first reading in the House.

SB 2398 “Relating to Tattoo Artists” PURPOSE

“Restricts the sale of tattoo supplies. Requires blood borne pathogen test as a prerequisite for licensure beginning 1/1/2013 and every four years after initial test to continue to hold a license. Prohibits tattoo trade shows.

Prohibits body piercing or body modifications at product demonstrations or educational demonstrations. Creates a tattoo artist task force.”

WHO LIKES IT

The Coalition for Safe Tattooing Hawaii. “Tattoo conventions often include as many as two hundred participating tattooists or more which we believe presents a major health risk,” coalition representatives Peggy Sucher and Adam Siehr. “Multiply 200 artists by an average of 6 clients per artist and you have the possibility of as many as 1200 people oozing and bleeding in a communal space.”

WHO DOESN’T LIKE IT

Sierra Club Hawaii and the Outdoor Circle.

The Sierra Club was especially disturbed by the measure. “The Department of Transportation openly acknowledges its projects are one of the largest causes of the spread of invasive species throughout Hawaii,” testified Sierra Club Hawaii Director Robert D. Harris.

“Accordingly, DOT should be held to a higher standard for the environment, not a lower one.”

Interestingly enough, the state Department of Health, which calls the bill “unnecessary” because state laws already state that “The department may contract with a professional testing agency to prepare, administer, and grade the exam for licensure as a tattoo artist.”

What’s more, state Health Director Loretta J. Fuddy testified that her department “has been advised by the Deputy Attorney General that tattoo conventions, trade shows, or exhibitions are currently allowed in Hawaii under existing statutes and administrative rules.”

Referred to Senate Energy Committee.

Passed House Health Committee.

WHO DOESN’T LIKE IT

STATUS

SB 2399 “Relating to Urban Art” PURPOSE

This establishes a pilot program for the creation of urban art under the direction of the state Foundation on Culture and the Arts.

WHO LIKES IT

The state Foundation on Culture and the Arts loves this (as they should), as well as numerous private citizens. “Urban art, which includes graffiti and tagging, is a form of social commentary, a vehicle of personal expression by young generations of city youth who are continuously looking for ways to have their voices heard,” wrote Eva Laird Smith, the Foundation’s executive director.

STATUS

SB 2106 “Relating to Health” PURPOSE

The bill does three things. First, it requires “health insurers to provide outpatient prescription drug coverage.” Second, it prohibits “health insurers, other than mutual benefit societies, from requiring coinsurance as a basis for cost sharing with the insured for outpatient prescription drug coverage.” And third, it limits “the amount of copayment that an insured must pay for outpatient prescription drugs.”

WHO LIKES IT

The Hawaii Medical Service Association, the Hawaii Academy of Physician Assistants, the

American Cancer Society, the Faith Action for Community Equity (FACE), the GBS/CIPD Foundation International, the National Multiple Sclerosis Society–Hawaii Division, Advocacy for Patients with Chronic Illness, the Myositis Association, the Immune Deficiency Foundation, Patient Services, the National Council of Asian Pacific Islander Physicians, the Neuropathy Action Foundation (NAF) and the Power of Pain Foundation. “SB 2106 is very important for the thousands of Hawaii residents who suffer from neuropathy,” testified James D. Lee of the NAF. “In fact, the NAF oftentimes receives calls from patients in Hawaii informing us that their health plan suddenly switched their treatment to a higher tier or co-insurance and that they can no longer afford their life and limb saving therapies.”

WHO DOESN’T LIKE IT

No organization or individual offered testimony against the bill. But state Budget and Finance Department Director Kabert Young did testify that there may be considerable costs associated with the bill. “[W]e are opposed to placing limits to the amount of copayments that an insured will pay for prescription drugs as counter to rational financial economics,” Young testified. “Limiting the contribution of the insured to the overall cost of their medical coverage just pushes that expense onto some other entity. And, for the State of Hawaii as an organization, potentially that could mean the employer-providers or group-plan participants would be faced with assuming these increased costs through higher overall premiums.”

those who live in and around private property.”

STATUS

Passed first reading in Senate.

SB 2339 “Relating to Ethanol” PURPOSE

Repeals the requirement that gasoline sold in Hawaii contain 10 percent ethanol.

WHO LIKES IT

No major organization testified in support of the bill. However, Hawaii resident William Page offered written support. “I strongly believe that no government leverage should be used to encourage conversion of green matter into gasoline and jet fuel,” he wrote. “There is too much consideration that food (that could be distributed to hungry people) should be converted into gasoline for our SUVs.”

WHO DOESN’T LIKE IT

Passed House Health Committee.

Honolulu biofuel provider Pacific West Energy. “[I]t is clear and irrefutable that repealing the ethanol blending mandate could only have a negative impact on gasoline prices in Hawaii, decrease competition in the petroleum sector, likely increase greenhouse gas and toxic emissions, while likely decreasing State and County tax revenues and, importantly, result in the permanent loss of significant investments in Hawaii’s agriculture and manufacturing sectors,” Pacific West Energy President and CEO William M. Maloney testified. The Western States Petroleum Association also testified that federal ethanol mandates may still require ethanol blends in Hawaii gasoline regardless of whether the bill becomes law.

Passed House Transportation Committee.

STATUS

HB 2324 “Relating to Broadband” PURPOSE

This bill “temporarily exempt[s] the upgrading and new construction of broadband facilities on state and county property from state and county permitting processes.”

WHO LIKES IT

Sandwich Isles Communication, Inc., Hawaiian Telcom, the Department of Transportation, the Department of Business, Economic Development and Tourism, the Office of Planning, the Department of Commerce and Consumer Affairs. “We believe that broadband technology is an essential element of the State’s economy and vital to the health and welfare of all in the State,” testified Robert Kihune, the CEO of Sandwich Isle Communications, which says it has spent two decades building broadband infrastructure throughout the state. “From our experience, onerous county and state permitting and approval requirements often cause significant and costly delays to broadband infrastructure deployment. We believe creating permitting exemptions for the installation, improvement, construction, upgrading, or development of new or existing broadband facilities on county or state property will help to eliminate these delays thereby attracting muchneeded broadband investment in Hawaii.”

WHO DOESN’T LIKE IT

The Office of Environmental Quality Control, the Department of Information Technology of the City and County of Honolulu, Hawaiian Electric Company, Hawaii Electric Light Company and Maui Electric Company. “When it comes to County property, there is a fiduciary responsibility to the constituent, and as such, county officials must comply with the various county laws related to encumbering County lands,” testified Gordon J. Bruce, the City and County of Honolulu’s Chief Information Officer.

“As it relates to private property, county officials have a fiduciary responsibility to protect

STATUS

SB 2433 “Relating to Challenge Course Technology” PURPOSE

This bill regulates zipline and canopy tour operators. It “Requires operators to obtain annual inspections and permits from the Department of Labor and Industrial Relations.”

WHO LIKES IT

Ironically enough, the actual zipline industry–the Activities & Attractions Association of Hawaii, Frogman Charters Inc., Paradise Helicopters, Piiholo Ranch Zipline, the Polynesian Cultural Center, Princeville Ranch Adventures, Skyline Eco-Adventures and the Hawaii Cattlemen’s Council–supports the bill.

“Zip lines are very safe and easy to use but require proper knowledge and training on the part of the operators and good maintenance,” testified Toni Marie Davis of the Activities & Attractions Association. “Although death on zip lines is very rare, broken ankles and fingers due to coming into the platform too fast are not unusual.”

WHO DOESN’T LIKE IT

The state Department of Labor and Industrial Relations really hates this bill. “We oppose this measure as written as it includes recommendations that are too problematic to implement and would entail higher costs,” stated department director Dwight Takamine. “The department questions whether owners and operators of ziplines and canopy tours should be allowed to inspect their own equipment in the manner that ownerusers do for boilers and pressure vessels.”

STATUS

Passed first reading in the House. ■ anthoney@mauitime.com + apignataro

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MARCH 15, 2012

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FOOD&DRINK

Moorish Fusion Cuisine

Maui Chef Zouhair Zairi brings Moroccan food into the 21st century

by JEN RUSSO

Chef Zairi

S

itting in Bangkok Cuisine on Dairy Road, I’m eating some of the best roast duck on the island with Chef Zouhair Zairi and his wife Yuka Kashiwabara. Zairi is fresh off his Japan and U.S. tour, in which he promoted his new cookbook, Moorish Fusion Cuisine: Conquering the New World. Chef ZZ, as he’s also known, conceptualized and produced the book in his kitchen on the slopes of Haleakala but says he created the book not just for Maui, but for the world. He wants to teach people “21st century cuisine,” he says, which is nothing short of a new way to eat.

Drawing on boyhood inspirations of the food his mother and grandmother cooked in Morocco and the experience he gained in the restaurant industry in the U.S., Chef ZZ put together a compelling argument for his new food style.

“Actually Moorish fusion cuisine is based on Ancient Moroccan traditions and ingredients,” he says. “I believe that the Moors were the founders of fusion cuisine since [they] combined the flavors from the lands they conquered; Spanish, Berber, Arab, North African, to create their unique style of cuisine. In my cookbook now, old world meets new. Moorish fusion cuisine is basically Moroccan

cuisine fused with the diverse flavors, ingredients and cooking styles of the 21st century.”

The Moors have an ancient culture of Arab and Berber heritage. They settled in Northern Africa. Their food is steeped in recognizable Mediterranean influences with several exotic twists. Moorish cuisine incorporates cinnamon, chilies and other spices traded from as far away as China and from other areas that had been visited or conquered by Arabs.

As a young man, Zairi was expected to go to college and become an engineer, but his cowboy and Indian fantasies won out. Instead he left Morocco to seek his fortune in America. With $500 and no plan, Zairi crossed the Atlantic and almost instantly fell into restaurant work, starting at the ground level.

He worked in many different locations and kitchens, collecting a wealth of knowledge. Eventually he reached Executive Chef status. On Maui, he opened Spices in 2002 as director and executive chef, and two years later moved on to JW Marriott.

In January 2010, Chef ZZ decided it was time to write a cookbook. He wanted to start recording a legacy of recipes after the birth of his two sons.

All of the recipes have been tested on his family.

Zairi found an accomplished food photographer, Alan De Herrera, and food stylist, Tamara L. Kaufman, and his book project was a go. The book is large and hardcover, with many of its 200 glossy pages dedicated to showcasing locally sourced foods. Photos of divers with fish, Coca Farms and various dishes are gorgeously depicted.

“Tears came down my eyes when I saw a poster of my book and my name as author advertising the upcoming book signing event at Barnes & Noble in Houston Texas,” Zairi says. “The second proudest moment was how my wife, my kids, family and friends were blown away once they saw the book and how impressed they were.”

His top five recipes in the book are: 1) White Gazpacho 2) Deep fried cauliflower with Saffron batter 3) Cucumber salad with rose water vinaigrette and fresh mint 4) Duck Two ways: almond-crusted duck leg confit with organic Honey and rose-marinated duck breast with Amlou.

5) Braised oxtail with pomegranate molasses, golden raisins and toasted sesame seeds Please note, however, that the recipes in the book are complex. Zairi says he has a special knack for combining spices and flavors. Lavendar, rose, rosemary, saffron and paprika are just some of the seasonings he uses.

The book has six chapters of food recipes, ending with a basics section where you can master broths, flavored oils and vinaigrettes used in the other recipes. The seafood section has a lot of creative recipes for fresh fish and prawns.

“Basically you can find 99 percent of the ingredients

in the stores we have available here on Maui,” says Zairi.

“Mana Foods has most of the specialty items. Meat, chicken and duck can be found in Whole Foods. One item that you have to buy online are gold leaves.” ■ jen@mauitime.com + @jenrusso

Moorish Fusion Cuisine: Conquering the New World Emerald Book Company October 2011 Hardcover, $38 ISBN: 978-1-934572-98-6 Available at Barnes & Noble Lahaina and online

Go tomauidish.com for your chance to win a free copy of the book!

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Find a few of the recipes from the book and comment in 3 sentences or less why you should receive a free book... and be entered to win at mauidish.com

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FOOD&DRINK

PAU HANA archways hint at modern Grecian themes, but all you need is one whiff from the kitchen to know the Hestia has blessed this place.

MORE ABOUT HESTIA: The Greek goddess of home, hearth and cooking presided over the importance of the fire, baking bread and the family meal. She was also responsible for the sacrificial fire.

Communal feasts of sacrificed meats were right up her alley. Apollo and Poseidon both fancied her, but she refused marriage to either. Zeus allowed her to remain an eternal virgin, which in retrospect, doesn’t seem all that much fun.

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DESCRIPTION: The Wailea outpost of Pita Paradise is a grown-up version of its Kihei Kalama Village predecessor. There’s outdoor alfresco dining on a sophisticated lanai, or behind closed doors you can enjoy the climate controlled interior. High seats at the fully-equippedto-give-you-a-buzz bar are good vantage points to embrace your inner Dionysus, the Greek god of wine and partying. Warm colors, murals and

Ahi Tartar Photos by Sean Michael Hower

HAPPY HOUR FOOD: Their bar tapas menu and regular menus are extensive and authentic Greek. Owner Johnny Arabatzis also fishes in local waters. But since adding a happy hour, owner Christine Arabatzis put together a mouthwatering menu full of discounted bites to sup while you imbibe.

The Ahi Tartar served with their handmade pita bread is a showstopper at $7.

The mini Greek burger, sauteed mushrooms and spinach tiropita are all $6, as are the Pita Pitzas. They also have a souvlaki for $5-7, depending on your proteins. ■ jen@mauitime.com + @jenrusso

For more foodie news, visit MauiTime’s food blog at: mauidish.com

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MARCH 15, 2012

PICKS

by AnU YAGI

THURSDAY, MARCH 15 WATERSHED DOWN – Hydrology’s a hot topic here in Hawaii, so the Pacific Whale Foundation’s hosting a talk titled “Everything Flows Into the Ocean,” part of their ongoing Making Waves Lecture Program. Dropping knowledge this Thursday night are two folks who rock like geomorphology: Sarah McClane of the West Maui Mountains Watershed Partnership, which focuses on protecting native forests that recharge our isle’s aquifer, and Michael Howden, a member of the Maui County Board of Water Supply and owner of a local permaculture design business. Free.

6-7:30pm. Pacific Whale Foundation’s Ocean Discovery Center (300 Maalaea Boat Harbor Rd.); 249-8811 ext. 1; pacificwhale.org

BUZZ HEARD – Recently in Jen Russo’s tasty Food & Drink section, we learned that Maalaea mainstay Buzz’s Wharf (celebrating 40 years in the oceanfront eats biz) renovated to capture “a ‘Nantucket’ style rather than Hawaiian kitsch,” meanwhile their menu aimed to add “more of our Hawaiian and Polynesian influences.” If you read that and worried about irony, fear not. Another item helps tip the fish scale back toward the Pacific: their new Kanikapila Thursdays. The month of March rounds out with local kine jams by Dane Fujiwara (Mar. 15) and Kapali (of Lahaina Grown; Mar. 29). No cover.

3-6:30pm. Buzz’s Wharf (Maalaea Harbor); 244-5426; buzzswharf.com

FRIDAY, MARCH 16 CARNIVAL-THEMED MAKAWAO THIRD FRIDAY – Colorful costumes. Beads. Masks.

Outlandish performers. Pony rides. Face painting. Cabaret girls. Capoeira. And all in the fresh Upcountry air. Need we say more? (OK, if you’re looking for more, see our Da Kine Calendar...) Free. 6-9pm. Makawao Town (Baldwn and Makawao Avenues); mauifridays.com

MAUI AIDS FOUNDATION’S MARDI GRAS MAUI – Cocktails, ono grinds and dancing, plus an art show and prizes for patrons with the best costumes?

All we can say is thank goodness the Maui AIDS Foundation’s Mardi Gras Maui is back (after a five year hiatus)! Cee Cee emcees the evening, and entertainment includes acts by The Girly Show, Maui Roller Girls, the jazz band Men in Black II and DJs AstroRaph and CIA. $25 general advance / $35 general door / $100 VIP. 7pm-1am. The King Kamehameha Golf Club (2500 Honoapiilani Hwy., Waikapu); 242-4900 ext. 225; mauiaids.org

SATURDAY, MARCH 17 WE GOT A REAL JAM GOING DOWN, WELCOME TO THE SKATE JAM / HERE’S YOUR CHANCE, DO YOUR DANCE AT THE SKATE JAM / UH-HUH, ALRIGHT – [Sorry, I couldn’t help myself with that intro. The good news is that the kiddies at the Paia Youth & Cultural Center are too young to remember Michael Jordan and the Looney Toons in Space Jam (1996). At least, I hope (or I’ve really embarrassed myself). The problem is I’m just a little too old to be referencing that flick; but I digress...] This Saturday’s the PYCC’s Stonewave Skatepark Skate Jam, a fundraising event to help the organization complete construction on their street course. The event boasts a BBQ, loads of giveaways and live music by They Are Them. And as always, it’s a tobacco, alcohol and drug free event. Free. 4-7pm.

Paia Youth & Cultural Center (28 Hana Hwy.); 579-8354; pyccmaui.org

KING PARIS CAN OPEN YOUR EYES / TAKE YOU WONDER BY WONDER / OVER, SIDEWAYS AND UNDER ON A MAGIC CARPET RIDE – [Why break with the day’s theme, eh?] The ever-eccentric musician King Paris “draw[s] from his experiences as a youth traveling the globe with his father, an import-export dealer, absorb[ing] all the sights and sounds of far-away places.” For this “magic carpet ride” of a night at Stella Blues, King Paris and The Hypnotics (backed by belly dancers and augmented by Epic Lighting), have the good fortune of teaming with legendary slide guitarist Rick Vito, of Fleetwood Mac fame (not to mention Vito’s recorded work with Bob Seger, Jackson Browne, John Mayall’s Bluesbreakers, Roy Orbison, Graham Nash, Bonnie Raitt... the list goes on). Also, Vito, Paris and company will be joined by their percussionist pal “Chandu the Genie Giant.” You can rub the lamp all you want, but this genie’s identity’s sort of an open sesame secret. But I’ll give you a few hints: he’s old pals with Vito, has wooden balls and guested as an Antedean alien in Star Trek: The Next Generation (episode 45; “Manhunt”). $10. 9pm. Stella Blues Cafe (1279 S. Kihei Rd.); 874-3779; stellablues.com / rickvito.com / kingparis.com

SUNDAY, MARCH 18 IT’S ECLECTIC! – Sure, Paia Mantokuji Mission’s 35th annual bazaar’s got ono goodies like fresh nishime and manju for sale, plus crafts, plants and produce–but for vintage hoarders like me, their rummage sale’s really where it’s at. Whatever’s your pleasure, it’s all at Paia’s gorgeous, makai-side temple (built in 1921) with its adjacent seaside graveyard. But if you’re having trouble finding it, just look for yours truly in the parking lot. I’ll likely be there, tying my bazaar booty to the roof of my laden car, hyperventilating and breaking out in hives with all the excitement. It’s pure joy. See you there. 7-11am. Paia Montokuji Soto Zen Mission (253 Hana Hwy., Paia); mantokujimauitemple.org

MONDAY, MARCH 19 KARAOKE IS BETTER THAN SEX BECAUSE NO ONE COMPLAINS ABOUT A SHORT PERFORMANCE – Every Saturday through Tuesday night, Watercress hosts free karaoke starting at 9pm. And on Wednesday through Friday nights they’ve got live DJs, go go dancers and $2 to $3 shot specials starting at 10pm. So pick your poison, my friends. Not only do you deserve it, but we’ve got a long week ahead of us... No cover. 9pm/10pm.

Watercress (Waiehu Beach Center (270 Waiehu Beach Rd.); 243-9351; waiehubeachcenter.com

IT’S ORCHESTRIC! – “Celebrate the playfulness of the spring season” with Maui Pops Orchestra, our isle’s beloved community orchestra. Their annual Spring concert’s always a big band deal, but this year’s extra special as they’ll be joined by Moonglow All-Star Swing Band (with a cameo by young songstress Lily Meola), plus special guests Willie K and Jimmy Borges and emceed by Hawaii News Now’s Howard Dicus. And because this “Swing into Spring” show is sure to put you ‘in the mood,’ a special dance floor’s been erected in the Castle Theater. $10 / $25 / $35 / $45. Half-price for keiki 12-years-old and younger. 3:30pm. Castle Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242 SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org

TUESDAY, MARCH 20 LET’S TALK ABOUT “BUSINESS NETWORKING AND SEX” WITH DR. ROBERT SANTRY – A long time ago, from planets far, far away, The Stork delivered men from Mars and Women from Venus. Or something like that. Anyway, it can be confusing trying to communicate across the chasm of gender, but Dr. Robert Santry is here to help. The good doctor “enjoys helping people discover passion and purpose,” and in his workshop “Business Networking and Sex (It’s Not What You Think),” he “addresses the unique communication styles of men and women engaged in business.”

Free. 12-1pm. Maui County Business Resource Center (Maui Mall, 70 E. Kaahumanu Ave., across from IHOP); 873-8247

MONDAY, MARCH 21 EH, BRAH! TRY HELP OUT BRADDAH RON PITTS – For years and years, you’ve known MauiTime’s own Ron Pitts as having illustrated the isle’s (mostly) less-than-savory side through the institution that’s Eh Brah!

But in months of late, our dear friend has fallen on some rough n’ tumble times (cancer sucks, man), and needs a little community kokua to help with mounting medical expenses. “A variety of fun art and music based on

Ron’s amazing spirit” will be held this Wednesday night at Ambrosia, featuring performances from a local all-star lineup including Jamie Gallo, Wolf, Randall Rospond, The Mary Jane Xperiment and Tom Conway. Plus, an assortment of Ron’s work will be for sale and 20 percent of bar sales benefit our Eh Brah! buddy. $10 suggested donation. 5-10pm. Ambrosia Martini Lounge (1819 S. Kihei Rd.); 891-1011; mauiartistronpitts.com

MARCH 15, 2012

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VOTED BEST HAPPY HOUR ON MAUI!

1819 S. KIHEI RD. • 891.2414 11AM-2AM DAILY • DINNER ‘TIL 10PM

MARCH 15 TH UR S S THIRSTY THURSDAY $ DRAFTS 10PM - CLOSE 3 MARCH 16 IL NIGHT CAJUN SEAFOOD BO AYS W/ ID BOTTOMS UP FR $10 COV ER • M 10P T NEX T LEV EL ENT ERT AIN MEN

FR I

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H 18

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19

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TU E

S XX &

2.50 TACOS, $CORONA, DO ARITAS PACIFICOS 4 MARG

Photo Courtesy of Jay Parco

$

Friday, March 30 • Iao Theatre - Wailuku • 808.896.4845 68 North Market St., Wailuku • Door: 7:00pm Show: 7:30pm

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MARCH 15, 2012

PICKS

St. Patty’s Day Picks

N

ot sure if you’ve been clicking through the indigenous outrage blogs lately, but a bunch of people are pissed at Urban Outfitters.

Mostly, the Navajo Nation argues it’s a big no-no that the hipster clothier’s culturally misappropriated the name “Navajo” on products like panties and fabric-wrapped hip flasks.

Just ahead of St. Patty’s Day, the Irish community’s ire’s been raised, too; as many are unhappy with Urban’s seasonal shirt line that say stuff like, “Kiss me. I’m drunk or Irish or whatever.” (Note: almost all of the off-color products have been pulled from Urban Outfitters website and stores.)

So in efforts to be culturally sensitive this St. Patty’s season, I’m nixing the section on where to go for day-after Irish yoga (think child’s pose/downward dog with puke). But against my better judgment (hey, I’m a few beers deep already), I’m sticking with recycling my annual line for our St. Patty’s Picks: “Here’s a rundown of hot haps on everyone’s favorite religious-turned-secular celebration.” Because we’d like to believe that all St. Patrick himself would’ve really cared about is that you’re happy and safe on his namesake holiday. Cheers!

MULLIGAN’S ON THE BLUE’S “SHARING THE GREEN” GOLF TOURNAMENT + EXTREME BOCCE BALL + ST. PATTY’S PARTY – This 7am shotgun-start, four-person scramble– plus their 9am Extreme Bocce Ball Tourney–is the perfect preamble to a day spent with the Mulligan’s on the Blue crew. (If anyone throws a proper St. Patty’s party, it’s the authentic Irishmen of Mulligan’s. Who else, after all, has a year-round countdown clock to this big day?) The tourneys benefit two local charities–Hospice Maui and Back Pack Buddies (a keiki nutrition program)–and cost just $125 for golf or $40 for bocce and includes lunch.

Speaking of food, Mulligan’s doors open at 8am and there’s no cover until 4pm ($20 advance general admission / $25 door), and they’ve got great Irish grinds at their lunch buffet (10:30am-2:30pm; $25 per person), foot tent (3-9pm; $15 per plate) and dinner buffet (4-7:30pm; $50 per person allinclusive). Keeping it lively is the day-long lineup of entertainment, including Celtic Hart (12-2pm), The Celtic Tigers (3:30-5:30pm and 6:30-8pm), Isle of Maui Pipe Band featuring Jack Lee (5:30-6:30pm), and The Freeradicals Projekt (8-10pm). And everyone knows the only place to get a properly poured Guinness is at this Irish hub, and this drink of choice is on special for just $5. 8am-5pm. Mulligan’s on the Blue (100 Kaukahi St., Wailea); 874-1131; mulligansontheblue.com

FOURTH ANNUAL ST. PATRICK’S DAY “RUN ‘TIL YOU’RE GREEN” THREE-MILE RACE – It’s a flat, fast wheel-measured three-mile course with awards in divisions for ‘Leprechauns’ (17-years-old and under), ‘Celtic Warriors’ (18-to 39-years-old); ‘Druids’ (40-to 49-years-old), ‘ArchDruids’ (50-to 59-years-old), and ‘Grand Druids’ (60-years-old and better). Entry includes a race Tshirt, one beverage (your choice of domestic draft beer or soft drink), a chance to win great prizes, three miles of fun and a killer after party. 3:454:30pm registration and packet pick-up / 5pm race. Kahului Ale House (355 E. Kamehameha Ave., Kahului); mauirunning.com

ALSO AT THE ALE HOUSE... – Hang out with the “Run ‘Til You’re Green” racers as the

Ale House’s new Flashback Saturdays Dance Party turns green, too. DJ Z spins ‘80s and ‘90s music and green beers are just $2 ‘til 11:30pm with dance marathon kicking off ($100 cash prize) at that time, too. No cover. 9:30pm. Kahului Ale House (355 E. Kamehameha Ave., Kahului); mauirunning.com

FREE CORNED BEEF! JES’ US’! – Who says there’s no such thing as a free meal hasn’t been to Steel Horse Saloon. They’re dishin’ free food and JES’ US’ is playin’ tunes. No cover.

7pm. Steel Horse Saloon (1234 L. Main St., Wailuku); 243-2260

GET SHAMROCKED WITH WILLIE K AT THE HARD ROCK CAFE – The Hard Rock serves up corned beef and cabbage from 11am to 10pm, with Willie K onstage from 8-10pm. Plus, stock up on sweet schwag and fill up on green Bud and Bud Light. No cover. Hard Rock Cafe (900 Front St., Lahaina); 667-7400; hardrock.com

TASTY PIE PRODUCTIONS INVITES YOU TO SPEND ST. PATTY’S WITH A WELLFED TIGER – The Westside’s finest, DJs Illz and Scotty D (with video visuals by Dr. Zom and Benjamin Christ), team with community crackerjack Matt Lane in his Lahaina-side debut as DJ A Well-Fed Tiger. They’ll be jammin’ and handin’ out green sweet treats and free green Choice stickers. PS: Leprechauns welcome (there’s a costume contest)! $10. 9pm. Longhi’s Lahaina (888 Front St.); 667-2288; longhis.com

GET LUCKY WITH DJ DECKA – Any night’s your liable to get lucky at Ambrosia, where the atmosphere’s cozy, the beats are bumpin’ and the drinks are flowin’. And with DJ Decka on deck, you know you’re in good hands. No cover. 10pm. Ambrosia Martini Lounge (1913 S. Kihei Rd.); 891-1011

LADIES GET LOVE AT CHARLEY’S ST. PATTY’S PARTY – DJ Kamikaze and friends raise the roof and bring down the house (or whatever other metaphorical structural damage you’d prefer). $10. 9:30pm. Charley’s Restaurant & Saloon (142 Hana Hwy., Paia); 5798085; charleysmaui.com

ST. PATTY’S DAY BASH WITH THE WHISKEY PIMPS – This band’s name says it all. No cover. 10pm. Three’s Bar & Grill (1945 S. Kihei Rd.); 879-3133

HAUI’S ST. PATTY’S PARTY WITH PA’A MANA – This powerful group helps you power through a night of hardcore drinking. Okolemaluna! No cover. 9pm. Hauis’ Life’s A Beach (1913 S. Kihei Rd.); 891-8010

ST. PATRICK’S DAY AT LAHAINA CAFE – On the Westside and wanna chow on corned beef and cabbage, and down $3 green draft beers, $4 Jameson drinks and $5 Irish car bombs? Head this way: Lahaina Cafe (843 Wainee St.); 667-6655; lahaina-cafe.com

UPCOUNTRY CELTIC ON THE NORTH SHORE – When you’re pau hitting the St. Patty’s Day breaks, hang out on Paia Bay Cafe’s covered outdoor lanai and enjoy the sweet sounds of Upcountry Celtic. No cover. 6-8pm.

Paia Bay Cafe (137 Hana Hwy.); 579-3111 ■ anu@mauitime.com + @anuheayagi

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Requests

BY Keo EATON

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Marty Dread

It Sometimes Rains in Paradise (Five Corners Music; 2012)

“There’s a thin line between pleasure and pain / There’s a thin line between ecstasy and going insane.” Those are lyrics from “Touch by Touch,” the fifth track (of 14) off Marty Dread’s latest, It Sometimes Rains in Paradise (released Jan. 31, 2012). Its lyrics like these which make me want to tell Marty, “I feel you, bro! It’s a fine line indeed!”

And I appreciate how that sentiment relates, metaphorically, to “it sometimes rains in paradise.” But literally, it’s really been coming down hard this last week... So of course (not unlike on drier occasions), I spent a lot of those indoor hours browsing Facebook timelines–grooving to music, like I always do–puzzling over posts about Anna Nicole and crack. Yep. Pretty typical night. See, rain or

shine, I love nothing more than the relaxing, brainlessness of Facebook creeping. But on one of those rainy nights, Facebook just didn’t seem as relaxing or brainless as usual, and I I found myself frustrated. Just what the hell was going on? Finally, I tried turning the volume down on my tunes. Like, WAY down. Voila! My mind was suddenly at ease.

My concentration quickly cleared and I just felt better all-around–even in all this rain. Now here’s where this all comes together... Indeed, there’s a thin line between pleasure and pain, and It Sometimes Rains is proof positive. Don’t get me wrong.

From booze cruises to bar performances I’ve enjoyed–with great pleasure–the no-mo’-slippah soljah, Marty Dread. But this album around, mute is my pleasure. Otherwise, I’m not saying that my ears are necessarily in pain. I can’t deny that songs like “She Don’t Know” and “Must Be A Change” are skank worthy bar jams (i.e. “skank” as in the skip-in-place dance move–not the other kind often lurking at bars). Which brings up the question of whether I’m really in ecstasy or just going insane?

Actually, don’t answer that.

MARCH 15, 2012

19

FILM

Kid Cops

Like the TV show, but w/o Johnny Depp

21 Jump Street will leave you in hysterics

by BARRY WURST II

21 Jump Street ★★★★★

T

Rated R/109 Min.

he best revenge is success, which is something comic actor turned Oscar nominee Jonah Hill knows all too well. His emergence as scene stealer, unlikely leading man and in-demand Hollywood actor, is a great underdog story. Pairing Hill with Brad Pitt in Moneyball only underlined how against the grain Hill is as a movie star, especially in contrast to born megastar Pitt. Hill’s latest vehicle, which he co-wrote, co-produced and stars in, takes a dusty Fox cop drama and spins it into a fantasy about getting high school, and everything else in life, right the second time.

Hill stars as Schmidt, an awkward nerd whose high school nemesis, a long haired jock named Jenko (Channing Tatum), enjoys watching the “not-so-Slim-Shady” bomb at asking his dream girl to the prom. Years

later, when the two are cadets in the Police Academy, Jenko realizes how dumb he truly was (and still is), drops the cruelty, turns to Schmidt as a study partner and helps whip his one-time hallway victim into shape. Once the two are given their first major assignment, their new friendship is tested when, during an undercover operation as high school students, they find the rules of being a teenager have changed and their roles as high school students are different the second time around.

No, I never watched 21 Jump Street when it was a series in the 1980s (I was more into The Wonder Years, Moonlighting and Max Headroom than cop shows). As for the movie, it’s foul mouthed, morally irresponsible, relentlessly vulgar and very funny. The first 30 minutes are non-stop, sustained hilarity and there are a lot of big laughs in the playful, surprising third act. The mid-section is less successful, with too many jokes that try hard to push the envelope of taste and a love story subplot is a disappointment.

The film sometimes becomes raunchy in search of easy, cheap laughs, but the best scenes have a crazy, anything-goes edge. In mixing cop movie cliches and R-rated jokes

with winking movie spoofery, this is what Seth Rogen’s Observe and Report tried to be. For that matter, as an adaptation of a fondly remembered and profoundly silly TV show, it’s better than Starsky and Hutch, because it stays faithful to the source without lampooning everything.

Hill is in great comic form, finding the human center of a well realized character. Tatum is surprisingly good, showcasing, as he did in She’s the Man, that he has a knack for farcical comedy. As their no-nonsense chief, Ice Cube is a riot, barking out obscene one-liners with intimidating gusto and Dave Franco (James’ brother) is winning in the key role of the subject of the high school investigation.

It comes close to The Other Guys in its ability to mix sublimely funny vulgarity with

solid action and satire. Not every target hits but when it goes after modern and old school teen experiences, action movie expectations and even movie remakes of 80’s TV shows, it keeps the belly laughs coming. It’s less successful at commenting on teen excess and mostly just exploits it; the message seems to be to indulge in everything when you’re young, a dubious moral, though I doubt anything here was meant to be taken remotely seriously.

Some side plots, like Ellie Kemper as a teacher lusting after Jenko, Schmidt’s living back with his parents during the undercover operation and even a high school production of Peter Pan wind up dead ends. But when it works, which is often, I was in hysterics. ■

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FILM

Showtimes Front Street Theater

900 Front Street, Lahaina, 249-2222 (Matinees) 21 Jump Street - R -FRI (1:15, 4:15), 7:00, 9:30.

SAT-SUN (1:15), 4:15, 7:00, 9:30. MON-WED (4:15), 7:00, 9:30.

Act of Valor - R - FRI (1:30, 4:20), 7:05, 9:30. SATSUN (1:30), 4:20, 7:05, 9:30. MON-WED (4:20), 7:05, 9:30.

The Artist - PG13 - THU (1:45, 4:15), 6:55, 9:20.

John Carter (2D) - PG13 - THU (1:00, 4:00), 7:00, 10:00. THU (1:40, 4:15), 7:05, 9:30. FRI (1:00, 4:00), 7:00, 9:50. SAT-SUN (1:00), 4:00, 7:00, 9:50. MON-WED (4:00), 7:00, 9:50.

Wanderlust - R - THU (1:30, 4:00), 7:00, 9:30. FRI (1:45, 4:15), 6:55, 9:20. SAT-SUN (1:45), 4:15, 6:55, 9:20. MON-WED (4:15), 6:55, 9:20.

Maui Mall Megaplex

Maui Mall, 249-2222 (Matinees) 21 Jump Street - R - FRI (11:35, 1:45, 2:20, 4:25, 4:55), 7:00, 7:30, 9:35, 10:00. SAT-SUN (11:35, 1:45, 2:20), 4:25, 4:55, 7:00, 7:30, 9:35, 10:00.

MON-WED (1:45, 2:20, 4:25, 4:55), 7:00, 7:30, 9:35, 10:00.

A Thousand Words - PG13 - THU (12:35, 2:45, 4:55), 7:05, 9:15. FRI (11:35, 1:45, 2:20, 4:25, 4:55), 7:00, 7:30, 9:35, 10:00. SAT-SUN (12:35, 2:45), 4:50, 7:05, 9:20. MON-WED (2:45, 4:50), 7:05, 9:20.

The Artist - PG13 - THU (11:50, 2:00, 4:15), 6:40, 9:00. FRI 6:40, 9:00. SAT-SUN 6:40, 9:00. MONWED 6:40, 9:00.

Big Miracle - PG - THU (11:30, 1:50, 4:20), 6:50, 9:25. FRI (11:30, 1:50, 4:15). SAT-SUN (11:30, 1:50), 4:15. MON-WED (1:50, 4:15).

Chronicle - PG13 - THU (12:40, 2:50, 5:00), 7:20, 9:45. FRI (12:40, 2:50, 5:00), 7:20, 9:45. SATSUN (12:40, 2:50), 5:00, 7:20, 9:45. MON-WED (2:50, 5:00), 7:20, 9:45.

Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax (2D) - PG - THU (11:45, 1:55,

WHERE AND WHEN TO WATCH WHAT

by AnU YAGI

4:05), 6:15, 8:25. FRI (11:45, 1:55, 4:05), 6:15, 8:25. SAT-SUN (11:45, 1:55), 4:05, 6:15, 8:25.

MON-WED (1:55, 4:05), 6:15, 8:25.

Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax (3D) - PG - THU (12:15, 2:25, 4:35), 6:45, 8:55. FRI (12:15, 2:25, 4:35), 6:45, 8:55. SAT-SUN (12:15, 2:25), 4:35, 6:45, 8:55.

MON-WED (2:25, 4:35), 6:45, 8:55.

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2D) - PG13 - THU (4:50). FRI (4:45). SAT-SUN 4:45. MONWED (4:45).

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (3D) - PG13 THU (12:10, 2:35), 7:10, 9:35. FRI (12:10, 2:35), 7:10, 9:25. SAT-SUN (12:10, 2:35), 7:10, 9:25.

MON-WED (2:35), 7:10, 9:25.

Gone - PG13 - THU (2:20), 7:00. FRI 9:30. SATSUN 9:30. MON-WED 9:30.

Hugo (3D) - PG - THU (1:30, 4:10), 6:55, 9:30.

FRI (1:30, 4:10), 6:55. SAT-SUN (1:30), 4:10, 6:55. MON-WED (1:30, 4:10), 6:55.

Silent House - R - THU (12:45, 2:55, 5:10), 7:25, 9:40. FRI (12:45, 2:55, 5:10), 7:25, 9:40. SATSUN (12:45, 2:55), 5:10, 7:25, 9:40. MON-WED (2:55, 5:10), 7:25, 9:40.

Tyler Perry’s Good Deeds - PG13 - THU (11:40, 2:10, 4:45), 7:15, 9:55. FRI (11:40, 2:10, 4:40),

7:15, 9:55. SAT-SUN (11:40, 2:10), 4:40, 7:15, 9:55. MON-WED (2:10, 4:40), 7:15, 9:55.

Wanderlust - R - THU (12:05, 2:40, 5:05), 7:30, 10:00. FRI (11:50, 2:15, 4:30), 6:50, 9:15. SATSUN (11:50, 2:15), 4:30, 6:50, 9:15. MON-WED (2:15, 4:30), 6:50, 9:15.

The Woman in Black - PG13 - THU (12:00, 4:40), 9:20.

Ka’ahumanu 6

Queen Ka’ahumanu Shopping Center, 1-800-326-3264 (Matinees: every day until 4pm) Act of Valor - R - THU-SAT 11:00, 1:45, 4:20, 7:00, 9:30. SUN-WED 11:00, 1:45, 4:20, 7:00.

John Carter (2D) - PG13 - THU-SAT 11:30, 2:20, 5:10, 7:50, 10:40. SUN-WED 11:30, 2:20, 5:10, 7:50.

John Carter (3D) - PG13 - THU-SAT 10:30, 1:20, 4:10, 7:00, 9:50. SUN-WED 10:30, 1:20, 4:10, 7:00, 9:50.

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island (2D) - PG - THUSAT 10:30, 5:15, 9:45. SUN-WED 10:30, 5:15.

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island (3D) - PG - THUWED 12:45, 3:00, 7:30.

Project X - R - THU-SAT 11:00, 1:10, 3:20, 5:30, 7:35, 9:50. SUN-WED 11:00, 1:10, 3:20, 5:30,

THE Secret World of Arietty - G - Animated - Barry Wurst II writes, “Arrietty Clock and her father, Pod, are quietly creeping into a home that isn’t theirs, on a mission to steal a block of sugar and tissue paper. It sounds easy and peculiar enough, with the exception of a key detail: the Clocks are no taller than your index finger...”

94 min.

21 JUMP STREET -- Action/Comedy - R - See this week’s Film Critique. 109 min.

Now Showing

Act of Valor - R - Action - A modern war film starring actors plus actual active duty US Navy SEALs and Special Warfare Combatant Crewmen.

101 min.

Big Miracle - PG - Family - When whales are trapped in an Arctic Circle neighborhood, who you gonna call? Drew Barrymore! 107 min.

Chronicle - PG 13 - Action/Horror - This movie is proof-positive that three egomaniacal high school boys (wait, is that redundant?) with telekinetic superpowers is the stuff of pure horror. 83 min.

Dr. Suess’ The Lorax - R - Horror - Green washing goes to Hollywood with another bastardization of Seussian genius; of what’s meant for the unadulterated page. (PS: Remember, supporters of Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie must boycott The Lorax!) 94 min.

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance - PG 13 - Action/Fantasy - Excuse me, Mr. Cage? Um,

1819 South Kihei Road, 1-800-326-3264 (Matinees: every day until 4pm) 21 Jump Street - R - FRI-SAT 11:05, 1:45, 4:30, 7:00, 9:30. SUN 11:05, 1:45, 4:30, 7:00. MONWED 1:15, 3:45, 6:15, 8:40.

Act of Valor - R - THU 11:00, 1:30, 4:05, 7:45, 10:35. FRI-SAT 11:00, 1:35, 4:20, 7:15, 10:15.

SUN 11:00, 1:35, 4:20, 7:15. MON 1:00, 4:20, 7:15. TUE 1:00, 4:20. WED 1:00, 4:20, 7:15.

The Artist - PG13 - THU 11:00, 1:15, 3:30, 5:45.

Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax (2D) - PG - THU 11:15, 1:30, 3:50, 6:00, 8:05, 10:20. FRI-SUN 11:15, 1:30, 3:50, 6:00, 8:05. MON-WED 1:30, 3:50, 6:00, 8:05.

John Carter (2D) - PG13 - THU 11:10, 1:55, 4:50, 7:45, 10:30. FRI-SUN 11:10, 1:55, 4:50, 7:45.

MON-WED 1:55, 4:50, 7:45.

Safe House - R - THU 8:00, 10:30.

658 Front Street, 249-2222 (Matinees) Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax (2D) - PG - THU-FRI (1:00, 3:45), 6:45, 9:15. SAT-SUN (1:00), 3:45, 6:45, 9:15. MON-WED (1:00, 3:45), 6:45, 9:15.

Project X - R - THU-FRI (1:30, 4:15), 7:15, 9:35.

SAT-SUN (1:30), 4:15, 7:15, 9:35. MON-WED (1:30, 4:15), 7:15, 9:35.

Silent House - R - THU-FRI (1:15, 4:00), 7:00, 9:30. SAT-SUN (1:15), 4:00, 7:00, 9:30. MONWED (1:15, 4:00), 7:00, 9:30.

THE ARTIST - PG 13 - Romance - A silent film star grapples with his waning fame as newfangled “talkies” become all the rage. 100 min.

Kukui Mall

Wharf Cinema Center

NEW THIS WEEK

A THOUSAND WORDS - PG 13 - Comedy - Think Liar Liar with a New Age twist. Starring Eddie Murphy.

91min.

7:35.

The Secret World of Arietty - G - THU-WED 10:25, 12:35.

This Means War - PG13 - THU-SAT 2:45, 5:10, 7:30, 9:50. SUN-WED 2:45, 5:10, 7:30.

John Carter AKA Riggins in Space

your skull’s on fire... 98 min.

GONE - PG 13 - Thriller - Does it matter what this movie’s actually about? No, not really. Face it: if you see this flick it’s only because you wanna oggle Amanda Seyfried. But hey, man–we don’t blame you. 94 min.

HUGO - G - Family - Based on American author Brian Selznick’s gorgeous, Caldecott-winning book, The Invention of Hugo Cabret. Starring Ben Kingsley, Sacha Baron Cohen and Jude Law. 127 min.

JOHN CARTER - PG 13 - Sci-Fi - Martian intrigue may not resonate with post-Viking Mission kiddies like it does for generations reared prior (notwithstanding Alfred Russel Wallace’s 1907 critique of Percival Lowell’s “Mars and Its Canals”).

Nonetheless, keiki and kupuna alike are sure to be enthralled by John Carter, based on the pulp fantasy series by Edgar Rice Burroughs. For a century these stories have been read “with breathless

fascination,” as the venerable Carl Sagan extolled (in his landmark doco series, Cosmos: A Personal Journey; episode five, “Blues for a Red Planet”), “arous[ing] generations of eight-year-olds, myself among them, to wonder whether we ourselves might one day venture to the distant planet Mars.”

132 min.

silent house - R - Horror - Remake of a Uruguayan film made just two years ago because Americans hate subtitles and creativity. 86 min.

THis Means War - PG 13 - Action/Romantic Comedy - A tale of two best buddies (Chris Pine and Tom Hardy) who are both CIA agents–and both dating the same conniving blond (Reese Witherspoon). 98 min.

Tyler Perry’s Good Deeds - PG 13 - Romance/Drama - If Tyler Perry really wanted to do a good deed, he’d stop torturing us with his movies.

111 min.

JOURNEY 2: THE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND - PG - Fantasy/Family - “This is a dopey adventure romp with truly terrible dialogue,” writes Barry Wurst II. Dwane “The Rock” Johnson, Josh Hutcherson, Vanessa Hudgens, Luis Guzman and Michael Caine star.

94 min.

Wanderlust - R - Romantic Comedy - Paul Rudd (a noted Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie supporter) and Jennifer Aniston star as a Manhattan couple who suddenly find themselves unemployed and living in a rurual, free-love commune.

Hilarity presumably ensues. 98 min.

PROJECT X - R - Fantasy - This is The Blair Witch Project of pubescent delusion. Watch and wish and live vicariously, if you must. 88 min.

The Woman In Black - PG 13 - Horror - A scary, scorned ghost lady haunts a house and blah blah blah... Look, all I care about is that this is Daniel Radcliffe’s first big film since you-know-what– which means I’m finally a small step away from being a paedophilic creep for thinking Harry Potter’s hot. 95 min. ■

safe house - R - Action/Thriller - Ryan “Wrap” Reynolds stars as a CIA agent who must blitz his way across South Africa–with a fugitive (played by Denzel Washington) in his charge. 115 min.

MARCH 15, 2012

21

CALENDAR

Da Kine Calendar

Friday

BIG SHOWS

3/16

by AnU YAGI

JIMMY BUFFETT & THE CORAL REEFER BAND – Fri., Mar. 16. Attention Parrotheads: You already know all about Jimmy Buffet and The Coral Reefer Band and how they’re coming to Maui for one night only, part of Buffet’s “Welcome to Fin Land Tour 2012.” So, here’s all you really need to know– the nitty gritty about parking: You can pre-purchase a parking stall at the MACC for just $25, or $10 for a stall at the University of Hawaii Maui College parking lot (across the street). Or you can take your chances and end up hoofing it from the harbor. Up to you. $59 general / $89, $139 reserved seating. 4pm doors / 7pm show. A&B Amphitheater / Yokouchi Pavilion, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242 SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org

Saturday

3/17

MAUI AIDS FOUNDATION’S MARDI GRAS MAUI – Fri., Mar. 16. See This Week’s Picks for more. $25 general advance / $35 general door / $100 VIP. 7pm-1am. The King Kamehameha Golf Club (2500 Honoapiilani Hwy., Waikapu); 2424900 ext. 225; mauiaids.org

KING PARIS & THE HYPNOTICS WITH RICK VITO AND “CHANDU THE GENIE GIANT” – Sat., Mar. 17. See This Week’s Picks for more. $10. 9pm. Stella Blues Cafe (1279 S. Kihei Rd.); 874-3779; stellablues.com / rickvito.com / kingparis.com

MAUI POPS ORCHESTRA’S ANNUAL SPRING CONCERT – Sun., Mar. 18. See This

1945 S K

E LLAG I V A IHEI RD, KALAM i.com u

879-9944 • lulusma

WEDNESDAY LOCAL BAND

SABRINA 7-9PM

THURSDAY

BARBARA & NETTO

HOT & SPICY SALSA 8-11PM

$3 coronas, $5 1800 shots $5 patron shots 8PM-Close

dj Nexus

LATIN / MEXICAN MUSIC 11PM-CLOSe

FRIDAY

kAWIKA ORTIZ ISLAND DJ’S

7:30-9:30 pm 10PM-CLOSe

SATURDAY

KAWIKA ORTIZ 8-11pm ASTRO RAPH 10PM-CLOSe

EVERYDAY

HAppy hour 2-5:00pm

$3 well drinks, $2 STEINLAGER, $3 BUD LIGHT

22

MARCH 15, 2012

Week’s Picks for more. $10 / $25 / $35 / $45. Halfprice for keiki 12-years-old and younger. 3:30pm.

Castle Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org

STAGE MAPA PRESENTS “SNOW ANGEL” – Opens Fri., Mar. 16. Runs Mar. 16-17 and 23-25.

Maui Academy of Performing Arts’ “Snow Angel” is an “edgy, mysterious play about teen angst and selfdiscovery and staying true to yourself no matter what other people think of you” with a 16-member cast of local folks, directed by Sally Sefton. The play was written by David Lindsay-Abaire (the Pulitzer-winning playwright also responsible for “Shrek The Musical”). $8 students / $12 adults. Steppingstone Playhouse, Queen Kaahumanu Center (275 W. Kaahumanu Ave., Kahului); 244-8760; mauiacademy.org

‘ULALENA – Mon-Fri. A nonpareil portal to Hawaiian history and kanaka maoli lore; what ‘Ulalena accomplishes–five nights a weeks for 12 years strong–is without a doubt the most powerful cultural education available for our visitors (and ourselves).

Rich with tradition while sublimely contemporary, it’s a clean, consistent and critical contribution by Hawaii about Hawaii, for the world. Mahalo ke akua!. Starting at $24.50 keiki / $59.50 adults. Dinner and VIP packags available. 6:30pm. Maui Theatre, fka Maui Myth & Magic Theatre, built specifically for ‘Ulalena (Old Lahaina Center, 878 Front St., Lahaina); 1-877688-4800; mauitheatre.com

TICKETS ON SALE SWITCHFOOT IN CONCERT – Thu., Mar. 22.

These Christian rockers went mainstream after four of their songs were featured in the flick “A Walk to

Remember” (2002). They are the recipients of nine GMA Dove Awards, and their major label debut, “The Beautiful Letdown,” has sold 2.6 million copies. $24.50 / $20.50 / $56.50. 7:30pm. Castle Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242 SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org

SOLO SESSIONS WITH JERRY SANTOS – Fri., Mar. 23. Best known for his work in the group Olomana (teaming with Robert Beaumont in 1974), singer/songwriter Jerry Santos has been a familiar presence in Hawaii’s music scene for almost four decades. The Solo Sessions series is the perfect opportunity to hear Santos’s work in an intimate concert venue while learning the stories behind his music. $25 / $45 VIP (includes meet-and-greet with Santos after the show). 7:30pm. McCoy Studio Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-7469 (SHOW); mauiarts.org MAUI TREE CLIMBING COURSE – Sat. & Sun., Mar. 24-25. Tree Climbing Planet, a technical and recreational tree climbing school with locations in the Pacific Northwest and Southeastern United States, bring its basic tree climbing course to Maui. This twoday class provides detailed information on selecting and assessing a climbing tree, learning various climbing techniques, setting up the double rope technique climbing system and tying knots. Extensive handson practice will ensure “muscle memory,” and all climbing gear and safety equipment is provided for class use. Call or email for more information and to register. $450. 8am-5pm both days. Sprecks Plantation House (448 Alakapa Pl., Paia); 404-313-0562; tim@treeclimbingplanet. com

Golden Circle. 7pm doors / 7:30pm show. Iao Theater (68 N. Market St., Wailuku); lazarbear.com

NA ALI’I OF COMEDY – Fri., Mar. 30. For the very first time, five of Hawaii’s comedy legends–Frank De Lima, Ed Kaahea, Mel Cabang, Andy Bumatai and Augie T– unite onstage for what’s sure to be the biggest local comedy show of 2012. De Lima’s a 14time Na Hoku Hanohano award winner whose family friendly humor has been entertaining the islands (especially school children; as all my local peeps can assuredly recall “Going on a Buta Hunt” and “Peanut Butter and Jelly”) for almost four decades. Kaahea is the last surviving member of the iconic trio Booga Booga, meanwhile the big names of Cabang and Bumatai have been synonymous with Hawaiian comedy for more than 30 years, each appearing on numerous TV commercials and local programs. Augie T.’s an inescapably popular contemporary comedian–his voice and visage all over radio and local TV–and is at the heart of the revival of Hawaii’s comedy scene. $22.50 / $35 VIP (includes meet-and-greet with the artists after the show). 7:30pm. Castle Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242 SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org

ICKE, ICKE BABY... STOP, COLLABORATE AND LIZARD: A DAY WITH DAVID ICKE – Sat., Mar. 31. David Icke’s a former “professional soccer player, journalist [and] network anchorman with the BBC” turned “full time investigator into who and what is really controlling the world” (davidickebooks.co.uk).

Icke’s authored bunches of books including “The Biggest Secret,” which writer Richard Kahn calls the “Rosetta stone for conspiracy junkies.”

At this day-long lecture event, Icke will discuss myriad topics including “The Moon Matrix,” his “most staggering revelation” of all, in which he says that the moon is a huge “spacecraft... home to the extraterrestrial group that has been manipulating humanity for aeons.” Presented by Global Media Productions.

There will be three meal breaks during the event with pre-sold lunch ($10) and dinner ($15) options made available by Vasi’s Gourmet Catering. (Note: There’s no guarantee that food will be available if not pre-purchased. Visit mauiarts.org to view menu and order.) $39 / $69 / $99. 9am registration / 10am-10pm program. Castle Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org

LOOKING FOR SOMETHING? Calendar LISTINGS

ON MAUITIME.COM

ZIGGY MARLEY: WILD & FREE TOUR – Sun., Mar. 25. Reggae royalty returns to Maui as five-time Grammy winner Ziggy Marley tours his fourth solo album, “Wild and Free.” Inner Circle and Maui’s own Marty Dread open. $35 advance / $40 day-of. 4pm gates / 5pm show. A&B Amphitheater / Yokouchi Pavilion, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org

MOONLIGHT SERIES FEATURING RAUL MIDON – Thu., Mar. 29. Blind since infancy, American singer-songwriter and guitarist, Raul Midon straddles the genres of Latin, folk-pop and jazz with show-stopping vocals and dazzling instrumental technique. Combining his soulful tenor and syncopated, percussive guitar with improvisational mouth trumpet sounds, Midon is an exciting one-man show. $28 / $33. 7:30pm. A&B Amphitheater / Yokouchi Pavilion, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org

DAVID BROMBERG TRIO – Fri., Mar. 30. David Bromberg is a master practitioner of folk, blues and bluegrass, and his trio features Mark Cosgroe (guitar/mandolin/vocals) and Nate Grower (fiddle/ mandolin/vocals). Known as a “hired gun” for recording artists, Rolling Stone raves “Bromberg... makes every track shine, like the A-list session man he’s always been”; meanwhile Jerry Jeff Walker says, “[Bromberg’s] the reason man created stringed instruments. David touched them with a lover’s fingers and they moaned that true love right back at him.

Wood and wire and flesh spoke.” $28 / $35 / $45

SAVE THE DATE: AN EVENING WITH W.S. MERWIN – Sat., Mar. 31. W.S. Merwin has been a force in American poetry for 60 years, beginning when W.H. Auden selected his first collection, A Mask for Janus (1952) for the Yale Series of Younger Poets. Though his style has evolved much over his long career, he has remained influential, receiving nearly every major award for poetry, including two Pulitzer prizes: in 1971 for The Carrier of Ladders, and in 2009 for The Shadow of Sirius. In 2010, W.S. Merwin was appointed the Library of Congress’ 17th Poet Laureate Consultant in Poetry. This event is co-presented with University of Hawai‘i Foundation.

Free (however, the event is ticketed as limited seating is available). 7:30pm. McCoy Studio Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org

TheGRID

THURSDAY

3/15

FRIDAY

3/16

SATURDAY

3/17

SUNDAY

3/18

MONDAY-WEDNESDAY

3/19-3/21

Find The Grid online at mauitime.com/grid or to have your business added to our weekly grid send your information to calendar@mauitime.com

ale house

Pi’ilani Arias, 5-8pm / Kimie & Irie Love, 9pm (all sets no cover)

Braddah Francis, 4-8pm / Soul Congress w/ Clay Mortensen, 10pm (all sets no cover)

Happy St. Patty’s Flashback Saturdays Dance Party w/ DJ Z 9:30pm; no cover

Sunday Skool Nightclub w/ DJ JamnJ, DJ Blinky and MC Bishop 10pm; no cover

MON - Clay Mortensen, 4-7pm; Teri Garrison, 8pm / TUE - Pi’ilani Arias, 7-10pm / WED - Teri Garrison, 5-8pm; Free Karaoke Night w/ Braddah Francis, 8pm (all sets no cover)

Ambrosia

Jamie Gallo, 7pm; no cover / DJ Kurt (Ambrosia’s Next Top DJ winner!)

10pm; no cover

Whatever You Want w/ DJ AstroRaph 10pm; no cover

Get Lucky on St. Patty’s w/ DJ Decka 10pm; no cover

Ultra w/ DJ CIA 10pm; no cover

MON - Ladies’ & ‘80s Night w/ DJ Skinny Guy, 10pm / TUE - Dirty House Tuesdays w/ DJ La Rage / WED - Fundraiser for Eh Brah! artist, Ron Pitts, 5pm; Maui’s HI-5 Night (S.I.N.) w/ DJs Del Sol & CIA, 10pm

Barefoot Minded 7-9:30pm; no cover

Will Hartzog 7-9:30pm; no cover

Dave Carroll 7-9:30pm; no cover

Johnny Ringo 7-9:30pm; no cover

MON - Peter deAquino / TUE - Live Jazz / WED - Jordan Cuddy (all sets 7-9:30pm; no cover)

Casanova

Makawao Third Friday Party w/ Dr. Nat and Rio Ritmo, plus Kit Kat Club Cabaret, 9:30pm; $10

Sheron De Ponte & The Silverspur Band 10pm; $10

CHARLEY’S

The Neverminds 10pm; $10

St. Patty’s Party w/ DJ Kamikaze and friends 9:30pm; $10

Barefoot Minded 7:30-10pm; no cover

Dave Carroll 7:30-10pm; no cover

Dave Carroll 7:30-10pm; no cover

Erin Smith 7:30-10pm; no cover

MON - Peter deAquino, 7:30-10pm / TUE - Live Jazz, 7-10pm / WED - Jordan Cuddy, 7:30-10pm

DIAMONDS ICE BAR

Mango Pickers 8pm; no cover

DJ Kamikaze 10pm; no cover

Live Music 10pm; no cover

Sunday Funday 10pm; no cover

MON - Gomega / TUE - Rampage / WED - Jukebox Party (all sets 10pm; no cover)

Dog & Duck Irish Pub

Quiz Night 8pm; no cover

Dance Party 10pm; no cover

Live Music 10pm; no cover

Sebrina Barron 6pm; no cover

MON – Glen Awong of Maoli / TUE - Big John (all sets 10pm; no cover)

Karaoke

Karoke

Karaoke

Karaoke

MON through WED - Karaoke

Rampage 9pm-close; no cover

Dat Guyz 9pm-close; no cover

St. Patty’s w/ Pa’a Mana 9pm-close; no cover

Karaoke Industry Night 8pm-close; no cover

MON - Karaoke, 8pm-close / TUE - Music videos w/ DJ H, 9pm-close / WED - Open Mic Night, 9pm-close (all sets no cover)

Indio & Avi 8-11pm; no cover

Crazy Fingers 8-11pm; no cover

The House Shakers 8-11pm; no cover

Blues & Brunch w/ R.E. Metoyers Blues Rock and Soul Review

MON - The Blues Spirit of Maui / TUE - Kenny Roberts / WED - Evan Schulman (all sets 8-11pm; no cover)

Karaoke

Karaoke

Karaoke

355 E. Kamehameha, Kahului - 877-9001

1913 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 891-1011

CAPTAIN JACK’S ISLAND GRILL Wharf Cinema Center, Front St., Lahaina - 667-0988

1188 Makawao Ave., Makawao - 572-0220

142 Hana Hwy., Paia - 579-8085

COOL CAT CAFE

Wharf Cinema Center, Front St., Lahaina - 667-0908

1279 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 874-9299

1913 S. Kihei Rd. - 875-9669

Green Leaf sports bar 1088 Lower Main St., Wailuku - 244-4888

HAUI’s LIFE’S A BEACH 1913 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 891-8010

hard rock cafe 900 Front St., Lahaina - 667-7400

isana

515 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 874-8199

EVENTS

THURSDAY, MARCH 15

PICNIC FOR POKI – Every third Thursday of the month, on the historic grounds of Wailuku’s Kaahumanu Church, a special lunchtime kanikapila jam is held in honor (and in the tradition) of the late great Allen “Braddah Poki” Pokipala. This month’s special guests are brothers Sheldon and Kevin Brown, joined by bassist Joe Bommarito. The Brown brothers began their musical careers early in life and became professional musicians, forming the Waiehu Sons in 1970. Roselani Place, Maui’s premier assisted living community, will have fresh baked cookies, coffee, and water. Attendees should bring a lawn chair or mat and their lunch and most importantly, bring a friend.

Sponsored by KPOA 93.5 FM. Free. 11am. Kaahumanu Church (103 S. High St., Wailuku)

MAKING WAVES LECTURE PROGRAM: “EVERYTHING FLOWS INTO THE OCEAN” – See This Week’s Picks for more. Free. 6-7:30pm.

Pacific Whale Foundation’s Ocean Discovery Center (300 Maalaea Rd.); 249-8811 ext. 1; pacificwhale. org

FRIDAY, MARCH 16

QUEEN KA‘AHUMANU FESTIVAL – Fri. & Sat., Mar. 16-17. Join the ‘Ahahui Ka‘ahumanu Society in celebrating the birthday of King Kamehameha’s favorite wife. Friday’s opening ceremonies include pule, a history lesson, hula, song, and draping of lei on the Queen’s statue. Free. 6-8pm. Queen Kaahumanu Center (275 W. Kaahumanu Ave., Kahului); queenkaahumanucenter.com

CARNIVAL-THEMED MAKAWAO THIRD

FRIDAY – One of This Week’s Picks! This month’s carnival-themed event “offers a wider variety of ethnic food offerings than ever before,” as the town’s flooded with “colorful costumes, masks, beads and outlandish performers... with special discounts and offers in the shops around town, activities for the whole family, and informational booths from local nonprofits.” Pony rides for keiki start at 5pm, and Haku Baldwin Center sponsors a petting zoo (all in the Pi’iholo Ranch parking lot). Live drumming, fire dancers and face painting, plus global beats by Beats Bazaar Soundsystem culminate with a special performance by Kit Kat Club Cabaret (in the Casanova parking lot). Also, no one does samba and salsa music on-isle like Dr. Nat and Rio Ritmo, whose tunes will be augmented by the Earthbound Misfits and capoeira demonstrations (at the Farmers’ Market’s center stage). Remember, parking is available at the Makawao Baseyard (across St. Joseph’s Church), Makawao Hongwanji, Makawao Municipal Lot (behind the library), Komoda’s Bakery parking lot and two lots off of Brewer Rd. Free.

6-9pm. Makawao Town (Baldwn and Makawao Avenues); mauifridays.com STELLA BLUES SUPPER CLUB FEATURING PAULA FUGA, MIKE LOVE AND SAM ITES – If you haven’t yet seen this stellar Stella Supper Club show, you need to go. It’s, like, mandatory (well, if you’re lucky enough to score tickets). We promise you’ll thank us before heading back for more. $30 show-only / $60 with four-course dinner. 6pm dinner seating / 7:30pm show. Stella Blues Cafe (1279 S. Kihei Rd.); 874-3779; stellablues.com

THE NEVERMINDS RETURN TO THE NORTH SHORE – These guys don’t gig often (taking four-month hiatuses between shows), but when they do they pack the house by playing highenergy tunes by bands like The Black Keys, MGMT,

WED - Casanova’s Famous Ladies’ Night: “Back to the Future: w/ DJ Blast & Chilltown Productions, 10pm; $10

The White Stripes, Modest Mouse, The Pixies, Cheap Trick and the Sex Pistols. So you’ll know who’s names to cheer (as if you didn’t already), the band’s made up of Nils Rosenblad (lead guitar), Shawn Coullahan (drums), Andy Church (vocals & guitar), and Dave Vickers (bass). Advance and VIP tickets available online. $10. 9pm doors / 10pm show. Charley’s Restaurant & Saloon (142 Hana Hwy., Paia); 579-8085; charleysmaui.com

SATURDAY, MARCH 17

PAIA YOUTH & CULTURAL CENTER’S STONEWAVE SKATEPARK SKATE JAM – See This Week’s Picks for more. Free. 4-7pm. Paia Youth & Cultural Center (28 Hana Hwy.); 579-8354; pyccmaui.org

QUEEN KA’AHUMANU FESTIVAL – Fri. & Sat., Mar. 16-17. Sponsored by KPOA 93.5 FM, Saturday’s festival features performances by Halau Hula ‘o Keola-Ali’I o ke kai (11am), Hawaiian Serenaders (12pm), Halau Kekuaokala’au’ala’iliahi (1pm), and Maui Ukulele Jazz Trio (2pm). Free. 11am-3pm.

Queen Kaahumanu Center (275 W. Kaahumanu Ave., Kahului); queenkaahumanucenter.com BETSEY JOHNSON BALL & PROM PARTY – While you’re picking out the prom, banquet, graduation or party dress of your dreams (and Betsey’s got it all from dresses to shoes and accessories), the girls at Bestey Johnson will be doling out beauty goodie bags and cupcakes. Plus, guest makeup artists will be in-store to share tips and tricks for getting all dolled up. No cover. 5-8pm. Betsey Johnson Wailea (The Shops at Wailea, 3750 Wailea Alanui Dr.); theshopsatwailea.com

ST. PATTY’S PICKS – Want to know where to

WED - Karaoke

go and what to do this St. Patrick’s day? Our picks are on page 19...

SUNDAY, MARCH 18

PAIA MANTOKUJI MISSION’S 35TH ANNUAL BAZAAR - See This Week’s Picks for more.

7-11am. Paia Montokuji Soto Zen Mission (253 Hana Hwy., Paia); 579-8051(Rev. Kenji Oyama)

WORKSHOP: SUCCESSFUL SELF-PUBLISHING WITH DR. ZEAL – Dr. Zeal Okogeri “travels the world sharing lighthearted stories,” and is the author of “God’s Relentless Generosities.” In his workshop, “you will learn everything you need to become a published author,” including “how to obtain an ISBN, Library of Congress Number, and Barcode” and “how to reap the benefits of the print-on-demand process.” Plus, Dr. Zeal gives tips on tough stuff, like “how to figure out what to write about” and “how to let go of procrastination and stay focused.” $149.

1-5pm. Cole Conference Room, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 256-0813; drzeal.com

TUESDAY, MARCH 20

WORKSHOP: “BUSINESS NETWORKING AND SEX (IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK)” WITH DR. ROBERT SANTRY – See This Week’s Picks for more. Free. 12-1pm. Maui County Business Resource Center (Maui Mall, 70 E. Kaahumanu Ave., across from IHOP); 873-8247

MEET THE AUTHOR OF “EDWARD BAILEY OF MAUI” – Meet Maui author Linda McCullough Decker, who will discuss her new book “Edward Bailey of Maui: Teacher & Naturalist, Engineer & Artist.” Decker, whose book has been nominated for a 2012 Hawaii Book Publishers Association’s Ka Palapala Po’okela Award in the “Excellence in Nonfiction

MARCH 15, 2012

23

WILD WAHINE WEDNESDAY

THE EVENING THAT EARNED CASANOVA’S THE AWARDS

CASANOVA’S FAMOUS LADIES NIGHT BACK TO THE FUTURE W/ DJ BLAST & CHILLTOWN MUSIC STARTS @ 10PM  $10 COVER

FREE

t-shirt & prize

GIVEAWAYS ALL DAY

SHOW STARTS AT 9:30PM $10 COVER

FRIDAY MARCH 16TH

Live Music 5-11pm

“BEST LATE NIGHT IN MAUI” “BEST SINGLES SCENE IN MAUI”

MAKAWAO THIRD FRIDAY PARTY DR. NAT AND RIO RITMO

THE KIT KAT CABARET IT’S CARNIVAL TIME!

SATURDAY MARCH 17TH

ST. PATRICK’S CELEBRATION

SHERON DE PONTE

SHOW STARTS AT 10PM $10 COVER $5 FOR GREENS*

AND THE SILVERSPUR BAND

food & drink specials all day! corned beef & cabbage sheperd pie, veggie dish DON’T GO DOWN TO $EE M.O.D. COME AND CELEBRATE WITH MICK AND ME!!!!

1913 S. KIHEI ROAD • 808.875.9669

HAVE A GREEN TIME!

*$5 COVER IF YOU: WEAR SOMETHING GREEN, YOUR NAME IS GREEN, YOUR TEETH ARE GREEN, ETC ETC....

MAKE IT A MEMORABLE EVENING  DINE & DANCE AT CASANOVA FOR DINNER RESERVATIONS CALL 808.572.0220 LOG ON AT WWW.CASANOVAMAUI.COM

HAPPY HOUR 3-6PM/LIVE MUSIC EVERY WEEKEND

THURSDAY 3.15

SOUL CONGRESS W/ CLAY MORTENSON 9PM • NO COVER

FRIDAY 3.16

LIA LIVE AND THE KRYPTONES FEATURING

TEOMON & LEYLANI 10PM • NO COVER

SATURDAY 3.17

THE WHISKEY PIMPS ST. PADDY’S DAY BASH 10PM • NO COVER

WEDNESDAY 3.21

BLUES WITH THE HOUSE SHAKERS 8:30PM • NO COVER

808.879.3133

1945 S Kihei Road, Suite G 24

MARCH 15, 2012

TheGRID

THURSDAY

3/15

FRIDAY

3/16

SATURDAY

3/17

MONDAY-WEDNESDAY

SUNDAY

3/19-3/21

3/18

Find The Grid online at mauitime.com/grid or to have your business added to our weekly grid send your information to calendar@mauitime.com

JAVA JAzz

3350 L. Honoapiilani Rd. - 667-0787

Rick Glencross & Melanie Reid 7pm - close; no cover

Jamie Gallo 7pm - close; no cover

Rick Glencross & Melanie Reid 7pm - close; no cover

Open Mic Night w/ Johnny Ringo 9pm-1:30am; no cover

Salsa Night w/ DJ Royes Dynasty 9pm-2am; no coverin

Bad Kitty, 7pm

Kenny Roberts, 7pm

1810 6:30-8:30pm; no cover

JAY’S PLACE

Wharf Cinema Center, Front St., Lahaina - 661-6699

Kahale’s

1913 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 875-7711

KIMO’S

845 Front St., Lahaina - 661-4811

Kobe Steakhouse

136 Dickenson St., Lahaina - 667-5555

LAHAINA CAFE

843 Waine’e St., Lahaina - 667-6655

LILIKOI RESTAURANT & WINE BAR 810 Haiku Rd., Haiku - 575-2629

Live Music 7-9pm; no cover

Lulu’s lahaina

Lahaina Cannery Mall - 661-0808

Eight Track Players, 7pm

The Kihei Cowboys, 7pm

MON - Kawika / TUE - Da Hawaiians / WED - Gina Martinelli (all sets 7pm)

Live Music 9-11pm

1810 8-10pm; no cover

Benny Uyetake & Glenn Kakagawa 8-10pm; no cover

MON - Benny Uyetake, 6-8pm / TUE-WED Sam Ahia, 6:30-8:30pm (all sets no cover)

Karaoke & Dancing w/ Auntie Toddy Lilikoi 9:30-close; no cover

Karaoke & Dancing w/ Auntie Toddy Lilikoi 9:30-close; no cover MON - Trivia Night w/ John, 7-9pm / TUE - Open Mic w/ Kenny, 10pm-12am / WED Megatouch Game Day w/ Katie, 7-9pm

Pool Tournament 7-9pm Live Music 7-11pm; no cover

Live Music 7-11pm; no cover

Fulton Tashombe & The Maui Jazz All-Stars, 7-10pm

DJ A Well-Fed Tiger w/ DJs Illz and Scotty D 9pm; $10

Salsa Night w/ Neto & Barbara Peraza, 8-11pm / DJ Nexus 11pm-close

Requesola w/ Rob & Ron = R2, 6:30-9:30pm / DJ Nexus 10pm-close

Camp Savage 7:30-9:30pm / DJ AstroRaph, 10pm-close

Howard Ahia 6-8pm; no cover / Pool Tournament 7-10:30pm

Marvin Tevaga 6-9pm; no cover / Latin Night w/ DJ Danny 10pm-2am; $10

STATUS w/ DJs Big Mike & Money Mike 9:30pm-2am

888 Front St., Lahaina - 667-2288

1945 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 879-9944

MON - Guest Performer / TUE - Guest Performer / WED - Renee Alonzo (all sets 7pm-close; no cover)

Free Karaoke w/ Danny DJ 10pm-12am; no cover

Longhi’s Lahaina LuLu’s Kihei

Guest Performer 7pm - close; no cover

Braddah Francis 3-6pm; no cover

Kawika Ortiz, 7-9:30pm / DJ Kamikaze, 10pm-close

TUE - Country Music & Dancing w/ Rick Scanlan, 7-11m / WED - Sebrina Barron 7-9pm; Ladies’ Night w/ DJ La Rage, 10pm-close MON - All Access DJs, 10pm / TUE - “Lahaina Idol” Karaoke w/ Troy, 9pm12am / WED - Pa’a Mana 9:30-11pm

MOANA BAKERY & CAFE 71 Baldwin Ave., Paia - 579-9999

Phil & Angie Benoit 6:30-8:30pm

MERRIMAN’S

Ranga Pae, 6-9pm

Ranga Pae, 6-9pm

Ranga Pae, 6-9pm

Ranga Pae, 6-9pm

MON - The Benoits / TUE - David Choy / WED - Ranga Pae (all sets 6-9pm)

Murray Thorne, 5:30-7pm / Willie K Dinner Show, 7-9pm; $65 / Pub Quiz Superfreakout w/ Trish “The Dish” Smith, 9:30pm-12am; no cover

Sebrina Barron 6:30-8:30pm; no cover

St. Patrick’s Day! (See This Week’s St. Patty’s Picks on pg. 19)

The Celtic Tigers w/ Mad Bagpiper Roger McKinley 6:30-9:30pm; no cover

MON - Joyce & Gord w/ Jimmy C, 7-9pm / TUE - Brenton Keith & His Bag O’ Tricks, 7-8pm / WED - Joel Katz, 5:30-6:30pm (all sets no cover)

Next Level Entertainment presents Bottoms Up Fridays, 10pm; $10

Benefit concert for Robert “Bobby” Waikiki w/ Maoli, Malino and Jah Residents, 10pm; $15

1 Bay Club Pl., Kapalua - 669-6400

Mulligan’s on the blue 100 Kaukahi St., Wailea - 874-1131

oceans bar & Grill 1819 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 891-2414

Books” category, will also talk about the processes of researching and writing a book, the issues and new insights that a biography of an important local figure can bring into focus, and share some examples of Bailey’s paintings. Free. 6:30pm. Kahului Public Library (90 School St.); 873-3097; hawaiilibraries.org

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 21

AKAKU MEDIA SALON: “WHAT’S THAT SOUND?” – Our friends at Akaku Community Television are hosting a Media Salon with audio professional, Joe Arias. This workshop is for those producers and community members who would like to learn more about sound for improving their productions.

Joe Arias is one of the best sound mixers in Hawaii and has over 30 years of experience in the Audio Industry specializing in Live Sound Reinforcement.

Seating is limited. Call for more information or to register. Free for Akaku Production Associates (APAs) / $15 for non-APAs. 5-7pm. Akaku Community Television (333 Dairy Rd., Kahului); 871-5554; akaku.org

FUNDRAISER FOR MAUI ARTIST RON PITTS – See This Week’s Picks for more. $10 suggested donation. 5-10pm. Ambrosia Martini Lounge (1819 S. Kihei Rd.); 891-1011; mauiartistronpitts. com

DINNER MUSIC WEST MAUI

DUKE’S BEACH HOUSE – Every Thu., Damien

TUE - Open Mic Night 6:30pm-close

Awai., 3-5pm / Garret & Peter, 6-8:30pm. Every Fri., Garrett, 3-5pm / Kulewa, 6-8:30pm / Hula performance, 6:30pm. Every Sat., Tim, 3-5pm / Kulewa, 6-8:30pm / Hula performance, 6:30pm. Every Sun., Fausto, 3-5pm / Damon & Tim, 6-8:30pm. Every Mon., Brian, 3-5pm / Eddie & Alika, 6-8:30pm. Every Tue., Bob Deleon, 3-5pm / Eddie & Alika 6-8:30pm. Every Wed., Brian, 3-5pm / Kahala & Daniel, 6-8:30pm.

(130 Kai Malina Pkwy., Lahaina; 662-2900)

HULA GRILL – Every Thu., Ernest Pua’a, 11am1pm / Alika Nako’oka, 1:30-3:30pm / Kaniala Masoe, 4-6pm / Kulewa 6:30-9pm. Every Fri., Kawika Lum Ho, 11am-1pm / Kaniala Masoe, 1:30-3:30pm / 1810, 4-6pm / Kawika, Roy and Albert, 6:30-9pm.

Every Sat., Kawika Lum Ho, 11am-1pm / Ron, Ikaika & DaMon., 1:30-3:30pm / 1810 4-6pm / Ben & Glenn, 6-9:30pm. Every Sun., Kawika Lum Ho, 11am1pm / Glenn, 1:30-3:30pm / 1810, 4-6pm / Derick Sebastian Trio, 6:30-9pm. Every Mon., Ernest Pua’a, 11am-1pm / Kawika Lum Ho, 1:30-3:30pm / Armadillo, 4-6pm / Derick Sebastian Trio & Josh Kahula, 6:30-9pm. Every Tue., Kawika Lum Ho, 11am-1pm / Jarrett Roback & Junior Lacuesta, 1:30-3:30pm / Damon Parillo & Danyel Alana, 5-6pm / Ernest Pua’a & Friends, 6:30-9pm. Every Wed., Ernest Pua’a, 11am1pm / Kaniala Masoe, 1:30-3:30pm / Peter DeAquino, 4-6pm / Ernest Pua’a & Friends, 6:30-9pm.

(Whalers Village, Ka’anapali; 667-6636)

LEILANI’S ON THE BEACH – Every Thu., Jarret & Wilson. Every Fri., JD & Friends. Every Sat., JD & Harry. Every Sun., Merv Oana. All sets 3-5pm. (Whaler’s Village, Ka’anapali; 661-4495)

LULU’S LAHAINA SURF CLUB & GRILL – Every Thu., Howard Ahia, 6-8pm. Every Fri., Marvin Tevaga, 6-9pm. Every Tue., “Lahaina Idol” karaoke with Troy, 9pm; Every Wed., Kenny Roberts, 5-8pm.

(Lahaina Cannery Mall; 661-0808)

PIONEER INN GRILL & BAR – Every Thu., Greg di Piazza featuring Alana Cini, 5:30-8:30pm. Every Tue., Ah-Tim Elenicki, 5:30-8:30pm. Every Wed., JD on the Rocks, 5-8pm. (658 Wharf St., Lahaina; 6613636) R.B. BLACK ANGUS STEAKHOUSE – Every Sun., Live Jazz. (4465 Honoapi’ilani Hwy., Lahaina; 669-8889) SEA HOUSE RESTAURANT – Every Tue. & Fri., Kincaid Kupahu, 7-9pm. Every Sun. & Thu., Andrew Kaina, 7-9pm. Every Sat., Coehlo Morrison, 7-9pm.

Every Mon. & Wed., Albert Kaina, 7-9pm. (5900 L. Honoapi’ilani Hwy., Napili; 669-1500)

Harbor; 244-5426)

HAUI’S LIFE’S A BEACH – Every Thu., Junior Lacuesta, 4-8pm. Every Fri., Tue. & Wed., Rick Glencross, 4-8pm. Every Sat., Ryan Robinson, 4-8pm.

Mon., Jacob (of the Alliez), 4-8pm. (1913 S. Kihei Rd.; 874-1250) KAI WAILEA – Every Thu., Mon. & Sun., Wolf, 6-8:30pm. Every Fri., Ryan Robinson, 6-8:30pm. Every Sat., Kanoa Kukaua, 6-8:30pm. Every Mon., Tom Conway, 6-8:30pm. Every Wed., Francois, 6-8:30pm.

(3750 Wailea Alanui; 875-1955) LULU’S KIHEI – Every Thu., Neto & Barbara, 8-11pm. Every Fri., Ron & Rob = R2, 6:30-9:30pm.

Every Sun., Kawika Ortiz, 7-9:30m. Every Tue., Rick Scanlan, 7-11pm. Every Wed., Sebrina Barron, 7-9pm. (1945 S. Kihei Rd.; 879-9944)

Tue., “Glee” on the big screen, 7pm. Every Wed., Red Carpet Movie Night will return next week at 7:30pm.

Meanwhile, check out the (1913 S. Kihei Rd.; 8911011)

MONKEYPOD KITCHEN – Every Thu., Tom & Mike, 6:30-8:30pm. Every Fri., Wolf, 3-5pm and Alika Nako’oka, 6:30-8:30pm. Every Sat., Barefoot Minded 3-5pm and Erin Smith 6:30-8:30pm. Every Sun., Alika Nako’oka, 3-5pm and Kilohana, 6:30-8:30pm.

Every Mon., Ron & Tarvin, 6:30-8:30pm. Every Tue., Kilohana, 6:30-8:30pm. Every Wed., Jarret & Wilson, 6:30-8:30pm.

BEACH BUMS – Every Tue., Randall Rospond,

MONSOON INDIA – Every Sat., Cambria Moss

SOUTH MAUI

AMBROSIA – Every Thu., Jamie Gallo, 7pm. Every

5-8pm. (Ma’alaea Harbor Shops; 243-2286)

& Ricardo Dioso, 6:30-8:30pm. Every Tue., The Hula Honeys, 5:30-8:30pm. (760 S. Kihei Rd.; 875-6666)

BUZZ’S WHARF – Every Thu., Kanikapila Thursdays. This week: Dane Fujiwara, 3-6:30pm. (Ma’alaea

MULLIGAN’S ON THE BLUE – Thu., Murray

MARCH 15, 2012

25

COME TOGETHER HT FOR A NIG of

c i s u & M s t Ar

to benefit our friend & Eh Brah artist Ron Pitts, and help support his medical costs

AMBROSIA MARTINI LOUNGE

Live Music BY 5-7 WED

MARCH 21 PM $10 DONATION AT THE DOOR RON PITTS’ VISUAL ART FOR SALE

JAMIE GALLO TOM CONWAY WOLF

OPTION WITH DONATIONS!

ROSPOND

GREAT DOOR PRIZE

FREE PUPUS Door charge, art sales & 20% of bar sales will all go to support Ron Pitts’ medical expenses

RANDALL

MARY JANE

XPERIMENT

SEAN MICHAEL HOWER 808.250.1788 MAUIWEDDINGMEDIAS.COM

VOTED BEST

TATTOO SHOP

BY M AU I LO C A L S !

579.8515

The Best Of Maui

120 HANA HWY • UPSTAIRS PAIATATOOPARLOR.COM

26

MARCH 15, 2012

TheGRID

THURSDAY

3/15

FRIDAY

3/16

SATURDAY

3/17

SUNDAY

3/18

MONDAY-WEDNESDAY

3/19-3/21

Find The Grid online at mauitime.com/grid or to have your business added to our weekly grid send your information to calendar@mauitime.com

Sansei - kapalua

Free Karaoke 10pm-1am; no cover

Free Karaoke 10pm-1am; no cover

Free Karaoke 10pm-1am; no cover

sansei - kihei

Free Karaoke 10pm-1am; no cover

Free Karaoke 10pm-1am; no cover

Free Karaoke 10pm-1am; no cover

South Shore Tiki Lounge

DJ Slackin 10pm-close; no cover

DJ Gemini & DJ Ynot 10pm; no cover

DJ LX 10pm-close; no cover

SPORTS PAGE GRILL & BAR

Dan & Anne 7-10pm; no cover

Jacob Abeytia 7-10pm

Kenny Roberts 9am-12pm; no cover

MON - Still Pono Band, 7-10pm; no cover WED - Clay Mortensen, 7-10pm; no cover

Ladies’ Night 7pm-close; no cover

Da Booze Braddahs 8pm; no cover

Free Pool Day

MON - Mahalo Monday Industry Night

Ah-Tim 4-6pm

Supper Club feat.

Paula Fuga w/ Mike Love and Sam Ites 7:30pm; $30/$60

King Paris & The Hypnotics w/ Rick Vito and “Chandu The Genie Giant” 9pm; $10

MON - Tom Cherry & Mike Finkewiecz, 4-6pm; Willie K 10pm-12am, $10 / TUE - Tom Conway, 4-6pm / PowerUp Comedy, 9pm / WED - Randall Rospond, 4-6pm / Slam feat. David Choy & Clay Mortensen, 7-10pm

The Huckleberryz 4:30-7:30pm; no cover / Jerry Caires Jr. Band 9pm-1am; $4

Karaoke w/ Pearl Rose 9pm-12am; no cover

WED - Karaoke w/ Pearl Rose 9pm-12am; no cover

115 Bay Dr., Lahaina - 669-6286

1881 S. Kihei Rd., Ste. KT116, Kihei - 879-0004

1913 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 874-6444

2411 S. Kihei Rd. #B4 - 879-0602

STeel horse saloon 1234 L. Main St., Wailuku - 243-2206

STELLA BLUES cafe 1279 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 874-3779

Stopwatch Sports Bar 1127 Makawao Ave., Makawao - 572-1380

R.S. SHARKY’S

The House Shakers 9pm-12am

41 E. Lipoa St., Kihei - 874-6115

Three’s Bar & grill 1945 S Kihei Rd., Kihei - 879-3133

watercress

Waiehu Beach Center, Wailuku-243-9351

Thorne, 7-9pm., Fri., Sebrina Barron, 6:30-8:30pm.

Sat., The Sirens, 6:30-9pm. Sun., The Celtic Tigers w/ Mad Bagpiper Roger McKinley, 6:30-9:30pm.

Mon., Joyce & Gord w/ Jimmy C, 6-8:30pm. Tue., Brenton Keith & His Bag O’Tricks, 7-8pm. Wed., Joel Katz, 7-9pm. (100 Kaukahi St., Wailea; 874-1131)

SOUTH SHORE TIKI LOUNGE – Every Thu., Erin Smith, 4-6pm. Every Fri., Randall Rospond, 4-6pm. Every Sat., Tom Conway, 4-6pm. Every Sun., Viva La Rumba, 4-6pm. Every Mon., Kanoa Kukaua, 4-6pm. Every Tue., Sebrina Barron, 4-6pm. Every Wed., Mark Johnstone, 4-6pm. (1913 S. Kihei Rd.; 874-6444)

STELLA BLUES CAFE – Every Thu., Ah-Tim, 4-6pm. Every Fri., Ahumanu 4-6pm. Every Mon., Tom Cherry & Mike Finkeiwicz, 4-6pm. Every Tue., Tom Conway, 4-6pm. Every Wed., Randall Rospond, 4-6pm / Slam feat. David Choy & Clay Mortensen, 7-10pm. (1279 S. Kihei Rd.; 874-3779)

TRADEWINDS POOLSIDE CAFE – Every Thu., Kawika Lum Ho, 6-9pm. Every Fri., Gina Martinelli, 6-9pm. Every Sat. Dominic or Mike, 6-9pm. Every Sun., Rob & Ron = R2, 6-9pm. Every Mon., Bobby Ingram & Friends, 6-9pm. Every Tue., Mike & Mark, 6-9pm. Every Wed., Steve Sargenti, 6-9pm. (2259 S. Kihei Rd.; 891-8860)

CENTRAL/UPCOUNTRY

CAFE DES AMIS – Every Thu., Joe Conte, 6:308:30pm. Every Sat., Live Argentinian music, 6:308:30pm. Every Wed., Mark Johnstone, 6:30-8:30pm.

(42 Baldwin Ave., Paia; 579-6323)

FLATBREAD COMPANY – Every first Thu., Randall Rospond, 5:30-8pm. (89 Hana Hwy., Paia; 579-8989) KAHULUI ALE HOUSE – Thu., Pi’ilani Arias, 5-8pm. Every Fri., Braddah Francis 4-8pm. Every Mon., Aloha Jam Session Night with hostess Teri Garrison, 8pm. Every Wed., Teri Garrison, 5-8pm / Free Karaoke Night with host Braddah Francis, 8pm. (355

MON - Eat & Play Night / TUE - Karaoke Contest

LiA LiVE w/ The Kryptones feat. Teomon & Leylani 10pm; no cover

The Whiskey Pimps St. Patty’s Day Bash 10pm; no cover

Karaoke

Karaoke

Karaoke

Karaoke

MON through WED- Karaoke

House of Reggae 9:45pm-2am; $10

We Love Timba Fridays 9:45pm-2am; $10

Spun Out w/ DJ Calcul8 9:45pm-2am; $10

closed

MON through WED - closed

Twisted Thursdays w/ Party Rock Krew’s live DJs & go go dancers 10pm; no cover

Forbidden Fridays w/ Party Rock Krew’s live DJs & go go dancers 10pm; no cover

Free Karaoke 9pm

Free Karaoke 9pm

MON - Free Karaoke, 9pm / TUE - Thirsty Tuesdays (all day) & Free Karaoke, 9pm / WED Singles Night w/ X-Klusive Sounds Productions’ live DJs, 10pm

1424 L. Main St., Wailuku - 249-0052 505 Front St, Ste. 212, Lahaina - 661-9873

Live Music 5-8pm

MON - DJ Slackin’ / TUE - DJ LX / WED Ladies’ Night w/ The ADD Twins (all sets 10pm - close; no cover)

Soul Congress w/ Clay Mortensen 9pm; no cover

tiffaNY’S timba

Kanoa 10pm-close

WED - The House Shakers 7:30pm; no cover

E. Kamehameha Ave., Kahului; 877-9001)

MAKAWAO STEAK HOUSE – Every Sat., Randall Rospond, 6:30-8:30pm. (3612 Baldwin Ave., Makawao; 572-8711)

List youR event!

Post your free online listing (up to 15 months early), and our editors will consider your submission for the printed calendar as well. Print listings are also free, but subject to space limitations. Online, you can include a full description of your event, a photo and a link to your Web site. Go to mauitime.com/listing and start posting events. Deadline for print listings is 10 days prior to the issue in which you wish the listing to appear.

Wait, there’s more!

Looking for something to do? Use MauiTime’s free calendar to browse hundreds of events online. Art galleries, family events, education classes, film and literary events, church groups, music, sports, volunteer opportunities—all this and more on our free events calendar at mauitime. com/calendar.

Start planning your week!

MARCH 15, 2012

27

KULA KID

Everything About A Bubble Bath Is Weird

by ANU YAGI

D

isclaimer: If you want to read a tearjerker about some sweet Third World wretch’s first hot shower after a lifetime of laps in a cesspool, look elsewhere. No, this is the spoiled story of The Human Boil in a bubble bath.

Albeit The Bloated, Hairy, Sniffling Human Boil (if you prefer the entire epithet), scrubbing her toes as if for the first time. So yes, as with most first times, it’s awkward and a little bloody. This is a story you don’t want to read before or too soon after eating. Because it begins and ends with me naked. Hey, you can’t say I didn’t warn you.

Everything about a bubble bath is weird. Especially the fancy ones. Never mind that it’s hard to write in a bubble bath (this 80th column installment isn’t going to write itself), as this soggy notebook attests, so what’s the point of sitting naked, drunk and alone?

But let me backtrack. I’m cheating on my minty Dr. Bronner and our ultra hot utilitarian showers because I was given an expensive, all-natural bath product and have long needed a pinch of proper indulgence. Also, I need a bath. I’ve been sweating and sick with that oogaboogawhateverthefuck virus that’s been going around. You know, the one you’ve heard about 10 times a day lately, just after someone gives you a big hello hug then says, “Yeah, dude. (Coughs!) I’ve been really sick. Got that thing that’s been going around.” Um? Yeah, dude. Thanks a lot...

Anyway, fancy bubble baths come with detailed directions because they have to. How else are you supposed to know what to do with a baseball-sized crystalline lump that–for reasons unknown–is made to look like a frosting-and sprinkle-

covered gingerbread house with an actual cinnamon stick as its chimney? What, put it on a shelf? Save it up to spend on a unicorn fur coat?

Apparently I’m supposed to crumble it under running water (OK, check), meanwhile the rest of the booklet-length directions inculcates me with its bubble bath credo: “each bath is a special occasion, not a boring ritual.”

So I’m wondering, “When ever is a bubble bath a ‘boring ritual’?” Further, I don’t much like the way the word “ritual” is trivialized... And, wait–is this lumpy concoction supposed to turn the tub into what looks like 40 gallons of foaming diarrhea that smells the way sugar tastes? My guess is yes; and though I’m trying not to, I can’t help but like it.

But it’s giving me a rash. It just feels so gosh darned good! Its like eating a freshly baked satin sheet through your nose and shitting it out your pores. Yum. I’ll knowingly lie in a steaming vat of rash juice for that.

I’m not saying this is all the fancy product’s fault. That wouldn’t be fair. My preexisting bubble bath conditions include being a giant walking pustule stuffed with tobacco, booze and boogers. (That’s kind of the crux of the needing-a-bath bit.) In my meager defense, I’m pretty sure my skin’s allergic to, like, the air and everything. Hence, The Human Boil and so on. It ain’t pretty, but isn’t there enough beauty in the world already?

Look, I’m just trying to get clean. I don’t think it’s a lot to ask–for everyone’s sake, if nothing else. See, St. Patty’s Day will mark a month since Source, and I wasn’t being hyperbolic when I wrote a couple weeks back that my toes’ cuticles are still black with The Mud. “Nature’s performance art stains like a mo fo,” I tell the scrub brush aloud. Crickets in the quiet night.

Well, all’s silent ‘cept for the slosh of suds hitting the overflow drain, displaced by my submerged lard. I hate that evil gurlgle. Down, down to Wastewater Land goes my fancified filth. Someone somewhere dies of dehydration. But what’s a girl to do? And anyway The Human Boil doesn’t have any superpowers besides being rash.

This bubble bath’s making me think strange things, man. A thousand useless thoughts smile with missing teeth... I imagine that I’m a lucky rabbits’ feet dealer haggling bulk prices on the black market. Uh, Brain? What the fuck is that? I can barely stand the feeling of peeling shrimp, let alone hacking bunny hocks... I think of that first time watching Crocodile Dundee as a keiki, its bubble bath glimpse at Venus and Mars, far beyond my little world consumed with commanding a fleet of rubber duckies, war plans drawn wide with soap crayons... I make a note to myself to Google whether the bathtub position’s an urban legend; and that hairdryer-in-the-bath electrocution thing, too. (They’ve gotta be basically bunk, right?) Too long a moment later I have the good sense to strike that note. There are some things are better left unknown. Or at least, unseen.

Like me, for example. The Bloated, Hairy, Sniffling Human Boil. The last of the tepid brown bubbles pop. If I linger any longer, I’ll have to be donated to science. So I stand up to dry off.

Everything about a bubble bath is weird. ■

To read more Kula Kid with links and photos and stuff, and to leave comments, visit mauifeed.com/kulakid

To share or save: mt.hy.pr/1539k anu@mauitime.com

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horoscope

Sign Language by caeriel crestin Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

When someone tells you something that’s hard to hear, take a moment to consider what might be behind their words. Before you bristle with indignation or slouch off to sulk, imagine why they might have said what they did. Did they really want to hurt you? Or was telling this truth actually a sign that there’s a problem they want to solve (rather than walk away from)? Consider the possibility that speaking up might have been nearly as hard for them as it was for you to listen to what they had to say.

Hopefully, this rather mature insight will help you have a different—and ultimately more productive—response to their words than you’d have had, otherwise.

Don’t give the things and people you dislike a lot of energy.

Ignore them. Think of how counterproductive it is when, say, conservative Christian groups blacklist a book or movie—their actions only cause it, ironically to become more popular as people wonder, “What’s all the fuss about?” Even if all you’re doing is complaining or talking about all the things you see that are wrong, you’re still spending an awful lot of time and energy on something you don’t really want to play a big part of your life. Focus instead on all the wonderful things you’ve got going on, and when that negative stuff pops up, just do your best to not spare it more than a thought.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

...to questions from page 4

1: C–500

2: E–29

3: D-220

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Your efforts to help someone may be so unwelcome that they become fuel for a battle between you two. That’s unfortunate, but mostly out of your hands. Trying to look out for someone who needs it is something that’s in your nature, and I’d hate for you to stop doing it just because they might not be able to accept it, or appreciate your efforts. Please do the right thing and offer aid—but at the same time also collect the information and allies you might need should things turn sour instead of sunny as a result of your actions.

QUIZunderstood ANSWERS

People expect things of you all the time, and it’s in your nature to at least try to deliver—so much so that you don’t always (or even often) consider whether or not their expectations are the least bit fair. Sometimes, they’re simply not, and you’re really screwing yourself over by assuming otherwise, and trying to live up to the ridiculous things being asked of you. Get a reality check. Is your accommodating personality causing you to bend over backwards for someone who really doesn’t deserve it (and should be ashamed that they even asked)? Obviously, if the answer’s yes, stop—immediately.

There comes a time when parents must finally accept their children’s autonomy and let go of control. That’s not to say they’ll necessarily ever stop caring or worrying, but butting out and letting their kids make their own decisions (and yes, mistakes) is necessary. The same goes for other kinds of relationships.

You may not be able to help what you actually feel, but what you do is still under your control. In this case, even if you know better, or even exactly what someone should do (instead of what they’re doing), what you do is mind your own business and keep your mouth shut.

Training people to notice their oversized senses of entitlement is a hard bit of work, but it eventually pays off. Just think how much more pleasant the world’s become now that most smokers realize how filthy, offensive, and shameful their habit is, and go out of their way to shield the rest of us from it. This week, it’s your duty to point out to someone how often they’re stepping on others’ toes, and help them find a more accommodating way to navigate through life, without inconveniencing or hurting people. They will not thank you for it—but we will. Thanks!

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Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

There’s a tremendous difference between offering aid, and stepping in and taking over. Even though you may very well be able to make someone’s life much easier, in the moment, you’re not helping them in the long run if you just do something for them. Even though they’d be enduringly grateful, you actually wouldn’t be doing them any favors. Quite the contrary. Let them be sour and resentful that you stepped aside and forced them to sink or swim mostly on their own. They may not thank you for it later—but they really ought to.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Establishing ground rules for your relationships is sometimes very important—to you. I understand; when you let someone inside your protective shell, they have tremendous capacity to hurt you, and you want to try to keep that from happening.

Most other people don’t necessarily need all those rules, and don’t worry about this stuff, so forcing them to have this kind of conversation is a special form of torture—which they understandably won’t appreciate. See if you can forego it this time.

If you absolutely must say something, edit it down as much as you can. The shorter and sweeter, the better.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

People change. Their desires change, and this evolution is rarely guided by logic or reason. Imagining your relationship with someone is essentially “set in stone” is pretty foolish, because any interesting person’s needs, wants, and goals will transform over time. You must learn to love who they’re becoming, not just who they once were. Sadly, that’s not always possible (thus the high rate of divorce). However, in this case I think it might be quite likely—provided you’re flexible enough to notice all the wonderful ways someone’s evolved, rather than just paying attention to the stuff that’s not like it once was.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Apologies are only worthwhile if they’re sincere. If you can’t mean it when you say you’re sorry, please try not to say it at all.

Doing it only because it’s expected of you is pretty lame. Here’s hoping you can come up with valid reasons of your own to deliver an apology when one’s called for, so it’s genuine and not forced and fake—which would be completely counterproductive.

If you can’t, that’s far from ideal, but it’s still better to be real about it than to pretend contrition where none exists. That, by itself, would just require another apology.

Being put on the spot sucks. If you get asked a question in a situation where it would be hard to say, “no,” it could be because the asker feared what you’d answer in a more private, lower-pressure situation. That’s potentially a sneaky, devious move. Of course, there are other, more innocuous reasons to place someone in such an awkward position. Perhaps the asker’s socially inept, or genuinely thinks this is what you’d want, for some reason. It’s your job to figure out which category this situation falls into—and if it’s because they’re cowardly or manipulative, it’s also your job to call them on it.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Taking the high road isn’t especially fun. In fact, it often robs you of the sweet satisfaction of revenge, or simply knocking someone off their high horse. Nevertheless, despite losing out on those delicious moments in the short-term, being gracious, patient, generous, and forgiving with those who don’t exactly deserve it will pay out better dividends in the long run. Go ahead and fantasize all you want about what you wish you could do or say, but leave it all in your head, while out here in the real world you demonstrate the patience of a saint. People will notice and admire you for it.

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ALOHA VALUED READERS We would like to let our readers know that we try to screen most of our ads. We read back the ad copy to ensure that it is the correct information that advertisers want. If you see the acronym (AAN CAN) that ad is a national ad and was not submitted directly to us. If you have a question directly concerning AAN CAN, please check out aancan.org Department of Health is offering FREE HIV TESTING & Counseling (STD/HEP C as well). Mon: Kihei Community Center— 11-2 pm Tues: Wailuku Health Center— all day Wed: *Paia Community Center— 12-3 pm ( 1st, 3rd, (5th) week): *Haiku Community Center—12-3pm (2nd, 4th week) Thur: *Lahaina Comprehensive Health Center—9-12pm Fri: (non-furlough Fridays) Wailuku Health Center—appt. *=starting 4/1/10

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