15.27 The Descendants, December 22, 2011, Volume 15, Issue 27, MauiTime

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Stars George Clooney

Descendants The

O

Set in Hawaii Up for 5 Golden Globe Awards

ur man Barry Wurst II reviews the film (page 26) and talks with star Judy Greer (page 12)

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DECEMBER 22, 2011

Contents VOLUME 15

THIS WEEK’S QUESTION: What’s your favorite George Clooney performance?

Editor: Anthony Pignataro (808) 283-1308 / anthony@mauitime.com @apignataro on Twitter The Men Who Stare At Goats Associate Editor: Anu Yagi (808) 264-8039 / calendar@mauitime.com @anuheayagi on Twitter “Smug Alert” (South Park, Season 10, Episode 2) Proofreader: Dina Wilson The Descendents Contributors: Jason Castle, Caeriel Crestin, Mick E. Finn, Lantana Hoke, Jory John, Avery Monsen, Ron Pitts, Chuck Shepherd, Ynez Tongson, Barry Wurst II Photographer: Sean Michael Hower mauiweddingmedias.com / howerphotography.com Art Director & Production Manager: Scrappers scrapperstown.com & thedepartmentofawesome.com Batman & Robin (his costume had nipples) Graphic Designers: Amy Mendolia (The Facts of Life), Christina Tarleton Advertising Executive: Brad Chambers (808) 283-3260 / brad@mauitime.com O Brother, Where Art Thou?

General Manager: Jennifer Russo (808) 280-3286 / jen@mauitime.com @jenrusso on Twitter From Dusk Till Dawn

✚

ISSUE 27

COVER: From the film The Descendants.

See page 26 for a full review.

4 NEWS & VIEWS FEATURE STORY 10 DINING 15 THIS WEEK’S PICKS 19 20 DA KINE CALENDAR THE GRID 21 FILM CRITIQUE 26 FILM TIMES 27 KULA KID 28 HOROSCOPE 29 CLASSIFIED 30 31 MIND, BODY & SPIRIT

Admin. Executive: Keo Eaton (808) 244-0777 E/R Admin. Assistant: Jennifer Brown One Fine Day Web Design: Linear Publishing Publisher: Tommy Russo (808) 283-0512 / tommy@mauitime.com @tommyrusso on Twitter

2 1 for

MauiTime is published every Thursday by MauiTime Productions, Inc. Its contents are Copyright © 2011 by MauiTime Productions, Inc. All rights reserved. Subscriptions are available at $70 per year.

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MauiTime 33 N. Market St., Ste. 201, Wailuku, HI 96793 office (808) 244-0777 • fax (808) 244-0446 www.mauitime.com @mauitime on Twitter Deadlines: Display Advertising: Friday Noon Classified: Monday 4pm Calendar: Monday Noon Circulation: 18,000 copies of MauiTime

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DECEMBER 22, 2011

NEWS&VIEWS

Heavy Metal Heroes Surfrider Foundation’s Kimo Clark and Les Potts remove dozens of derelict cars littering West Maui’s coastline

BY ANU YAGI

T

he precipitous panorama of the Honokahua ahupua’a, roughly between Napili and Honokaa, crowns the head of Maui’s buxom bust. On its Westward end, the bays of Honolua and Honokohau are its jewels. There entombed is primordial fire. The hard, Mars-and coral-colored land–so iron-rich that its hue pays homage to its molten youth–is still locked in an ancient battle with the sea that slowly eats into old, boarblood bluffs which have triumphed over the surf for so long they’ve earned a thick cap of foliage. And a littered highway.

Honoapiilani Highway (Route 30), to be exact. It’s part of the asphalt Ouroboros that circumnavigates the Valley Isle’s profile and leaves a wriggling clutch of spawn in every town and in the harbor city at her throat.

Let’s set aside the fact that an island community makes literal the adage that all roads lead home. The roads that so easily lead to Maui’s most majestic land and seascapes bring the very things that destroy the scenic view: us.

Roadside rubbish is part and parcel for our brutish, fast n’ furious, solipsistic species. Slurpee cups and Styrofoam containers and sunscreen crafts fly from our vehicles as we hurtle across the earth in two-ton steel behemoths, farting dead dinosaurs while we flip the angry bird to the Crying Indian.

Then there are the metal beasts themselves. Along any remote roadside, broke-down Maui Cruisers get ditched when the cost of repair outweighs the cost of replacement.

And stolen vehicles are taken for joyrides before being chopped, torched and tossed down cliffs.

But thanks to the sweat of Surfrider Foundation executive committee members Kimo Clark and Les Potts, the upper Westside’s relatively pristine coastal drives might have you fooled into thinking that the dumping problem isn’t that bad. “See how clean it all looks now?� Potts beams, sweeping his free hand perpendicularly to his truck’s dashboard as he gives me a tour of cleanup work being done along the winding road.

Every morning for more than five years, Potts has painstakingly picked up litter along a 12.5 mile route. He says it took years of effort to catch up with decades of debris–and it’s a job that still requires at least four hours of daily maintenance.

Recently, Potts and Clark–the latter of whom owns and operates Truth Excavation–have taken on the unprecedented challenge of exhuming derelict vehicles from Honokahua. In a span of two tough weeks beginning in late November, the pair removed nearly 40 rotting cars from the area:

more than 20 from Punalau, 12 from Kanounou Point, five from Nakalele Point and two from Keawalua Gulch.

Cute n’ cleverly, the pair have dubbed their work the “heavy metal� cleanup–for obvious reasons as well as because they’re both musicians. Clark is the effervescent and heavily inked bassist for The Throwdowns, and Potts plays (most recently) with the Wave Warriors and Space Patrol. “It’s been a long time coming... Some of this stuff ’s been there for 30-50 years,� says Potts, which adds extra headache to their efforts. The really old vehicles are but crumbling piles of rust that need to be removed piece by piece by hand. Of the vehicles that can and have been removed by the pair, each vehicle takes anywhere from one to four hours to unearth and load onto a flatbed. They are then hauled off to the Southside for scrap metal recycling.

Clark’s been a super hero wielding Truth Excavation’s heavy equipment (although it adds considerable wear and tear to the tools of his trade), sometimes having to first clear and level dirt roads to gain enough access to the overgrown cars. Between Surfrider Founation and Maui Land and Pineapple Company (ML&P), Clark has been been reimbursed just a couple hundred dollars for his gas expenses, and he’s otherwise only been able offset mounting costs with the paltry payments from selling the recyclable metal.

Meanwhile, the first years of Potts’s litter cleaning crusade came of his own altruism. Then, about two years ago, he got a management contract with ML&P, which owns most of the land in area. This helped him expand his work to about 3,000 coastal acres and includes emptying of trash barrels (largely provided by Surfrider) made available to visitors of scenic spots like those colloquially known as Blowhole and Windmills.

More than being trash-free, Potts’s signature–literally– is all along the highway in the form of hand painted wood signs, green with white lettering, that help inform visitors and deter dumpers. The “kapu� signs, he says, are the most effective and you can see them nailed to ironwood trees in little alcoves that once were ad lib junk yards.

As we drive along his route, Potts is constantly pulling over to pick up trash. At one point he spots the iconic McDonald’s logo and stops to retrieve the bag. “There’s something about McDonald’s food and the consciousness that it produces–the number one thing that I find are McDonald’s wrappers.�

The weirdest and worst of it: A truckload of possessions hurled down the hillside–whole wardrobes and babies’ things and every private memento. Then there are tampon applicators, especially around the full moon. And all the isle’s roadside lovers’ full n’ flung-rubbers out the window ain’t got nothin’ on the box-worth of used condoms, the led-

Kimo cutting a car into bite-sized pieces

ger of an old batu whore’s night’s work.

Daily (well, except Wednesdays–even sinewy, 60-something-year-old surf heroes need a break once in awhile), Potts hauls out the small stuff with his truck. But the big stuff is taken to a place not far from Honolua, a site he calls his “baseyard,� where it can be sorted for recycling.

There, Potts has organized a parabola of junk into sections, each labeled with his trademark signs. “Landfill� for the hopeless stuff like broken sink basins and fishnets; “E-cycle� for TVs and computer screens; “Appliances� for microwaves and stoves; “Tires� for the obvious (about 100 of which were just collected by Clark and Potts during their two-week heavy metal overhaul); “Metal� for hunks of guardrails, a car door, a gutted scooter and tangles of wires like the tetanus tentacles of Cthulu; and (my favorite) “Maybe Still Can Use� for a leather armchair blooming with stuffing, a graffiti-covered wooden chest of drawers, a vacuum, a tea pot, tools, Christmas ornaments, and a tray of a few dozen shoes more dirt than sole.

Anyone can come to the site and pick at things for reuse, but more importantly, anyone can help with the cleanup.

Though Clark and Potts have mastered the majority of the heavy metal removal, there remains a lot of fine-tuning.

And it’s effort that will require the work of more than just two men.

When Potts shows me the sites where each vehicle was removed, he points out the waste which remains: a wake of broken glass and plastic, among other rubbish, outlined like chalk at a crime scene. While Truth Excavation’s equipment has been essential for the big and beastly work, there’s a lot left that can only be cleared out by hand. Projects like these will be added to the to-do list of Potts’s monthly “Honolua Stewardship� days, a Surfrider Foundation eco-activism program held every second Saturday. “Ever since we got the heavy metals out of here,� Potts says, “it’s as if I can feel the land breathing better.� He inhales a gulp of grateful air and exhales with a sense of accomplished relief. Then he notices a piece of trash and pulls over to pick it up. ■anu@mauitime.com To share or save this article, type: mt.hy.pr/1527n1

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QUIZunderstood 1. Sometime between now and Jan. 31, 2012, Hawaii Governor Neil Abercrombie will personally name a replacement for Office of Hawaiian Affairs (OHA) Trustee Boyd Mossman, who represented Maui on the board until he recently retired so he could move to Hawaii Island. Why is Abercrombie making this decision?

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2. On Thursday, Dec. 15, Maui County Mayor Alan Arakawa unveiled a new plaque on the Baldwin Home Museum front lawn in Lahaina. What does the plaque say?

A. It lists the names of all the Maui soldiers who died in the war in Iraq.

B. It states that the Baldwin Home is now officially on the National Registry of Historic Places.

C. It says, simply, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Elvis Presley slept here.â&#x20AC;?

D. It names Front Street as one of the â&#x20AC;&#x153;Great Streets in America.â&#x20AC;?

3. During their Dec. 16 meeting, the Maui County Council gave first approval to banning what activity in the new South Maui Community Park?

A. Commercial activities.

B. Drinking alcohol.

C. Cock-fighting.

D. Camping.

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DECEMBER 22, 2011

NEWS&VIEWS

Coconut Wireless

Talk of the Island

BY ANTHONY PIGNATARO in mind. Tulsi will help lead Democrats to take back the House in 2012, and EMILY’s List is thrilled to support her campaign.”

This doesn’t mean the race is over, but it does complicate things for Hanneman, et al. EMILY’s List is famous for doing their research before tying their name to a candidate, and they don’t often lose.

SAY ALOHA TO ALOHA It’s not every day you wake up and find out that everything you knew about the Hawaiian word “aloha” is wrong.

Okay, maybe not everything. Back in 2006, while speaking at Seabury Hall, writer Paul Wood said that “aloha” was, as an idea, far more complex than most of us in the audience understood–and certainly more complex than anything put out by the state’s many salesmen and tourism gurus (of which, Wood admitted with great humility, he was one).

Here’s the thing. As things stand today, the word “aloha” is a greeting and a goodbye. It’s what we tell families as they’re getting off the plane, or when the show’s about to begin.

“Aloha!” the host will tell the audience, who will mutter “aloha” back.

“Alo-o-oha!” he will say again in mock disgust, to which the audience will “aloo-oha!” right back.

And that’s all wrong, wrong, wrong.

But don’t take my word for it–Queen Lili‘uokalani is a far better teacher on this matter. In 1910, after returning to Hawaii from a disappointing trip to the mainland, a crowd gathered at the wharf met Lili‘uokalani with a hearty “Aloo-oha!” Her response, according to the slim, new book Aloha: Traditions of Love and Affection (the latest volume in UH’s Ka Wana Series on Hawaiian philosophy and culture) by University of Hawaii cultural specialist Malcolm Naea Chun, was cold and whithering.

“Never... never say alo-o-oha,” the queen told the crowd. “It is a haole word.

Aloha is ours, as is its meaning.”

According to Chun, “aloha” as a mere greeting came about in post-contact times. Before Captain Cook, the Hawaiians used the word “aloha” to express “my love to you,” but even that definition doesn’t convey the word’s personal and profound nature. Pre-contact Hawaiians, Chun wrote, used the word sparingly, and with great meaning and emotion.

This is kind of a big deal. “Aloha” is the first and most discrete package of Hawaiian culture handed to tourists when they arrive, and it’s pretty much guaranteed to be the one thing everyone remembers when they leave. It is, to put it in the vulgar terms of modern advertising, an extremely marketable “brand” that is worth incalculable riches to Hawaii’s visitor industry.

This makes Chun, and myself (and Wood) feel, well, icky. “[A]loha is special because it upholds, reaffirms, and binds relationships,” Chun wrote. “Aloha should not be taken lightly. It should not be used casually or frivolously.”

It’s good advice, but a bit late, considering that “Aloha” already appears on license plates, a bankrupt airline, restaurants, organic medicinal mushrooms, a credit union, a Honolulu landmark and

ABERCROMBIE’S FUNNY! Seriously, Hawaii Governor Neil Abercrombie has a dark sense of humor that we should all be encouraging.

I first realized this when the big state Department of Taxation scandal broke last week. Long story short (the long story hasn’t actually been made public yet, so the short one is all we have), there have been “incidents of internal security

“Never... never say alo-o-oha... it is a haole word.” -Queen Lili‘uokalani

sports stadium, furniture sales, software, car dealerships, cans of juice, gas stations, a style of men’s shirts and garbage trucks.

EMILY LIKES TULSI With 2nd District Congressmember Mazie Hirono running for the U.S. Senate, the 2012 election to see who gets to represent all of Hawaii except Honolulu in the U.S. House of Representatives is wide open and, to be honest, kind of confusing.

Do we vote for Mufi Hanneman, the former Mayor of Honolulu? How about Tulsi Gabbard, the young Honolulu Councilmember and daughter of state Senator Mike Gabbard? And what about Office of Hawaiian Affairs Chief Advocate Esther Kiaaina? Then there are candidates with a bit lower name recognition, attorneys Rafael del Castillo and Bob Marx.

And that’s the Democrats (no Republi-

cans have, as yet, stepped forward to run).

But last Friday, the 900,000-member political action committee (PAC) EMILY’s List–which donates money exclusively to pro-choice Democratic women running in House and Senate races–announced that Gabbard was now “on the list,” so to speak.

“Tulsi is a leader in her community and a prime example of what a strong woman can accomplish in office,” said Stephanie Schriock, President of EMILY’s List, in a Dec. 16 press release. “Throughout her career, Tulsi has promoted progressive environmental policies and worked with at-risk youth to create better opportunities for their future. As an Iraq war veteran, Tulsi brings an important perspective to Washington. Voters are eager for leadership that works on behalf of their communities–and they know that a candidate like Tulsi has their best interests

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breaches of the Department’s computer tax database” going back at least to 2008, according to a Dec. 15 press release from the governor’s office. The state Attorney General is investigating, and “a number of people” are now on “administrative leave without pay.”

It sounds bad, but Abercrombie’s official statement on the matter was a masterpiece of dry wit: “To the extent that any wrongful activity has taken place, anyone who has participated in or has had knowledge of these activities that date back to at least 2008 will be brought to account.”

Brought to account! That’s funny!

See, it’s the Department of Taxation we’re talking about, and it’s staffed by a bunch of accountants!

What, too soon? ■ anthony@mauitime.com + @apignataro

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LOCAL PLUGS

BY JEN RUSSO

SOLAR CITY POWERS MACC It was windy on the bluff overlooking the Maui Arts and Cultural Center (MACC) and Kahului Harbor last week when Governor Neil Abercrombie spoke of the nearly 2,000 solar panels installed there by SolarCity of Oahu.

“The volatility of prices for oil and fossil fuels and our dependence upon them creates vulnerability in our economy,” Abercrombie said. “Alternative energy is our future.”

The MACC designated the parcel of land that sits between its parking lot and Keopuolani Park as its alternative energy corridor. SolarCity installed the 463 killowatt system there at no cost to the MACC, and the MACC will pay for the solar power the panels produce at a rate lower than they currently pay for electricity.

This is one of SolarCity’s first commercial projects in the state. The project that started around July of this year was built in accordance with the Public Utility Commission’s 15 percent cap on solar systems, a limit that was recently dropped.

“We have over 1700 events in a year and all of them require electricity,” said MACC CEO Art Vento. “As a nonprofit we have to find ways to reduce our overhead.” Vento added that the project will reduce their energy costs by as much as 25 percent.

Hokulani Holt-Padilla, Cultural Programs Director at the MACC, led the blessing and chant at the property.

“We want to recognize that our environment provides for us,” Holt-Padilla said. “We utilize what the environment provides. We will chant and honor the sun. We need to thank and recognize the sun that allows all living things to exist.”

After the chant, everyone signed a solar panel set aside by SolarCity and gnoshed pupus of shoyu poke, tako poke, sushi and cut veggies.

At the same time, Maui-based companies have the opportunity to relay information to skilled kama’aina attending mainland colleges, former residents and current residents.

The networking can lead to lucrative internships or even permanent positions.

Companies that have regularly participated in the fair include: Akimeka, Boeing, Workforce Development Division, Maui High Performance Computing Center, Ardent MC, Oceanit and the Pacific Disaster Center. Interested job seekers are invited to pre-register online and/or upload their resume for employer review at www.hightechmaui.com.

Since the Holiday Career Fair began in 2002, nearly 800 applicants have submitted resumes, resulting in a growing number of success stories over the years. For more information, contact Mapu Quitazol at 808-875-2343 or email mapu@medb.org.

TOYOTA SPONSORS DREAM CAR CONTEST Dream a new dream car for Toyota Hawaii and you could be $100 richer, or win a trip to Japan, but you have to be a student artist. The idea is to dream big.

“The main criteria that I determined in my mind for selecting the 5th Annual Dream Car Contest Akira Toriyama Award was ‘the dream cars that only children can imagine and draw,’” said Akira Toriyama, TOYOTA Dream Car judge for the final Art Contest “Nee c o mp e t i t io n .

“Needless to say,

good-quality art and eco-consciousness are wonderful aspects.

However, more importantly, I do want them to have their own fantasy world in their childhood. I believe that it doesn’t matter even if the fantasy world seems to be small or useless, or that no one else can understand the dream. Putting their own fantasies into the cars, and completely enjoying drawing the picture, that’s the most wonderful thing ever!”

Last year’s winners included a car that would turn into a handbag via remote control (created by Kata Szonja Szollosi a seven-year-old from Hungary), a car that transformed pollution into clean air (by 13-year-old Pipat Tunkrathok from Thailand) and an automatic noodle truck (by 11-yearold Porndanai Wattanapraditchai, also from Thailand).

In February, the judges will choose 15 finalists from the Hawaii submissions for the international competition. Each finalist will each receive a $100 U.S. Savings Bond. If any of the Hawaii entries are chosen as finalists in the world competition, those students will receive an all-expenses-paid trip to Japan for the final awards judging in August 2012. There are three age categories: under 10, 10 to 12 and 13 to 15.

“This is a chance for Hawaii students to be as imaginative as they can be in coming up with a Dream Car idea,” said Glenn Inouye, Senior Vice President for Toyota Hawaii.

“Last year’s international winners were incredibly creative, and I know Hawaii students can definitely compete on this level.”

Applications are available at Maui Toyota (Parts Counter, 320 Hana Hwy., Kahului, HI 96732 808.877.2781 Hours: M-F 8-6pm, Sat 9-4pm, Sun closed) or at toyotahawaii.com for the 6th Annual Dream Art Car Contest.

Entry deadline is Jan. 31. Entries can be dropped off at any Toyota dealer in the state or mailed to P.O. Box 2788, Honolulu, Hawaii 96803-2788. ■ Dec. 17 jen@mauitime.com + @jenrusso

TWEET of the WEEK

HIGH-TECH FAIR COMING SOON This December, kama’aina job seekers living or going to school on the mainland will have a perfect opportunity to meet with employers from top Maui high tech companies.

The 10th annual High Tech Maui Career Fair is scheduled for Thursday, Dec. 29 at the Maui Economic Development Board’s Ke Alahele Center from 10am to 3pm. Upcoming attendees will find a high demand for Information Technology IT and GIS/GPS professionals, as well as engineering and research positions.

The popular event helps job seekers learn more about tech employers on the island, as well as discuss job requirements face-to-face.

“When I use my Apple tv remote I have to step away from the Macbook or Back in Black starts playing LOUD from my iTunes.”

-@mauishopgirl (Maui blogger Tania Ginoza),

Central Maui

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DECEMBER 22, 2011

NEWS&VIEWS

NEWS OF THE WEIRD

BY CHUCK SHEPARD

GOVERNMENT IN ACTION!

LEAST COMPETENT PLANS

Stung by criticism in 2007 that they were neglecting severely wounded service members, the Pentagon and the Department of Veterans Affairs have now gone extreme the other way, routinely providing at least a half-dozen (and as many as two dozen) caseworkers per patient. A Government Accountability Office report in October said the result was “duplication, confusion and turf battles,” according to a November Washington Post story, leaving the members and their families often conflicted and overwhelmed about prognoses. At times the Pentagon (serving active-duty personnel) and the VA (ex-military) balked over coordinating their treatments. The agencies, however, told the Post that any duplication was intentional, even though the Post cited military families who each wished they had a single, authoritative case manager they could turn to. A GAO official called the situation “crazy” and “disturbing.”

L.B. Williams, a black man married to a white woman in Panama City, Fla., reported that the Ku Klux Klan had burned a cross in his driveway in November and left a threatening note. However, the note did not demand that the couple move from the neighborhood; it demanded that they stay. Since the Klan is not known for supporting mixed-race couples, the police were suspicious and ultimately charged Williams with making the threats himself–to frighten his wife into abandoning the divorce she had recently requested. And Paul Moran, possessing (according to his lawyer) “considerable intellectual ability,” nonetheless attempted a procedure to turn his own feces into gold (and was sentenced in October to three months in jail in Enniskillen, Northern Ireland, after accidentally setting his apartment on fire in the process).

CAN’T POSSIBLY BE TRUE The U.S.-Pakistan relationship has reached “the nadir of absurdity,” wrote Wired.com, after a December report in The Atlantic revealed that Pakistan “secures” its tactical nuclear weapons by moving them around the country in ordinary unmarked vans (“without noticeable defenses”). It supposedly uses the “Econolines of Doom,” “hidden” in plain sight on the country’s highways, because it fears the U.S. (its “ally”) would steal the bombs if it knew where they were. Dizzyingly, wrote Wired, the U.S. funds Pakistan yet regularly invades it, though desperately needing Pakistan’s help in Afghanistan, even as Pakistani soldiers fight alongside Afghan insurgents against the U.S.

BEST CONTEST EVER In October, the super-enthusiastic winners of a Kingston, Ontario, radio station contest claimed their prize: the chance to don gloves and dig for free Buffalo Bills’ football tickets (value: $320), buried in buffalo manure in a child’s plastic inflatable pool. The show’s host, Sarah Crosbie, reported the digging live (but, overcome by the smell, vomited on the air). More curious was a runner-up contestant who continued to muck around for the second prize, even though it was only tickets to a local zoo.

HOT EPA SEX In a federal lawsuit for malicious prosecution, a judge found a “strong” likelihood that EPA agent Keith Phillips “deliberately” set up a hazardous-waste enforcement case against Hubert Vidrine for the purpose of facilitating his own work/sex relationship with a female EPA agent. According to the court, Phillips was married and unable to carry on with the agent (stationed in another city) except when they worked together, which they did periodically over a three-year period on the Vidrine case. In October, Vidrine was awarded $1.6 million in damages.

Send anonymous thanks, confessions or accusations, 200 words or less (which we reserve the right to edit), changing or deleting the names of the guilty and innocent, to “Eh Brah!” c/o MauiTime, 33 N. Market St, Ste. 201, Wailuku, HI 96793 or send an e-mail to

ehbrah@mauitime.com

I

know you’re proud of your diesel monster truck. It’s big, brash and could make pancakes out of lesser machines that might attempt to share the road. If you need to drive one of those things, whatever.

But can you maybe use your brain a little when it’s time to start the engine? You live in an enclosed townhouse complex, with at least 18 homes contained within a 50-foot radius of the sound of your rocket ignition and horrid clatter that begins at 4am and continues for 15 minutes.

Do you not hear the dogs barking? Do you not hear the babies crying? Do you not see all the lights turn on in the 18 homes all around you? All those dogs and keiki and people are not up getting ready to start their days because that’s normal for them. They’re FORCED to get up and start their days because your insecurity about your penis size evidently outweighs your concern for others. Wake up, brah, and think about all the people who live around you who do nothing of the sort to THEIR neighbors. ■

CRY FOR HELP Math teacher Paul LaDuke, 75, was fired in November from the Schaumburg (Ill.) Christian School after a student reported seeing him brazenly masturbate, with his pants lowered, as he sat behind his desk in a full classroom.

LaDuke had been at the school for 26 years, and police believe (according to a Chicago Tribune report) he had “committed similar acts at the school several times a year for a decade or longer.”

JUSTICE? Daniel Vilca, 26, was ordered to prison for the rest of his life (without possibility of parole) following his conviction in Naples, Fla., in November for having pornographic photos of children on his computer. He had no previous criminal record, nor was there evidence of any contact with children. The judge computed the sentence by multiplying a five-year term by the 454 photos police found. But a week earlier, a judge in Dayton, Ohio, sentenced former CEO Michael Peppel, 44, for defrauding his shareholders by overstating revenue in a company that went on to lose $298 million and cost 1,300 employees their jobs. Sentencing guidelines recommended an 8- to 10-year term, but federal judge Sandra Beckwith ordered Peppel to jail for seven days.

Illustration by Ron Pitts mauiartistronpitts.com

DOGGIE COURT! Dog walker Kimberly Zakrzewski was found not guilty in October of violating the poopscooping ordinance of Fairfax County, Va., despite photographic “evidence” of dog piles submitted by neighbors Virginia and Christine Cornell (who had previously been feuding with Zakrzewski). The jury chose to give greater weight to testimony by the dog’s owner that the photographed piles were bigger than anything she had ever seen from “Baxter.” The owner also revealed that she had brought to court one of Baxter’s actual piles but decided to leave it in her car. ■ chuck@mauitime.com To share or save this article, type: mt.hy.pr/1527n3

DECEMBER 22, 2011 11

Judy Greer stars in the new Hawaii-based movie

Descendants The

Here’s what happened when we sat down to talk with her By Barry Wurst II

V

MAUITIME: Was there a film or performance that inspired you to become an actress?

JUDY GREER: No, but there are movies that made me want. I’m not just saying this but, I was already studying acting at the time but when I saw Citizen Ruth, it kind of put things in perspective for me. I really thought, I wanted to make movies like that.

And now I get to, because I worked with Alexander Payne. That movie [The Descendants] was like a scene change for me, where I can make gritty, weird movies about people where you don’t know who’s right or wrong and you can’t really decide who you’re rooting for. That was interesting. I also loved the movie Moonstruck and I loved how happy it made me all the time, whenever I watched it, so I also wanted to make movies that made people really happy.

MT: What roles do you go for?

GREER: It depends on my bank account at the time. Sometimes it’s a paying job [laughs], anything will do, and sometimes its who’s involved in the movie, the chance to work with someone who can teach me something is what I’m most interested in lately.

MT: I don’t know if they told you beforehand but I’m a writer for MauiTimeGREER: Well done!

MT: I think the local audience is gonna go nuts for this movie. I have some Hawaii questions for you.

GREER: Go for it.

12

DECEMBER 22, 2011

MT: Prior to making The Descendants, had you ever been to Hawaii before?

GREER: Once. I was there for three days for a wedding and I stayed at the Turtle Bay Resort, where they shot Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I loved it…I didn’t see any turtles…I wanted to go back and wound up going back for The Descendants. I didn’t get to do much- I was there for a wedding and I didn’t get the chance to explore the island. I did get to have poke, which I’m a big fan of.

MT: What was it like filming on Oahu and Kauai?

GREER: The best part was when we were on Kauai because it was so beautiful and it felt really dreamy and I felt like my scenes were really dreamy, so it helped add to that aspect of my character and that plotline.

The set and everyone was so mellow, everyone brought their surfboards and surfed during lunch. It didn’t feel like we were working 12-hour days. We worked hard but it was so beautiful. I was like, “why would I sit in my trailer when I can go sit on the beach. In Hawaii?” You know what I mean?

So we just kind of hung out. A lot. On the beach. It was great.

MT: Your character’s name is Julie Speer.

Did he write it with you in mind?

GREER: No. It’s a total coincidence.

MT: Instead of the role being the shrewish wife or a total fool, you made her very relatable and real. What was the process like finding this woman?

GREER: I don’t know. I don’t want to dis-

IMAGE COURTESY OF FOX SEARCHLIGHT

ETERAN ACTRESS JUDY GREER has appeared in dozens of films and TV shows, often stealing scenes from the above-the-title leading performers and making lasting impressions with a variety of versatile performances.

She is possibly best known for her role in Arrested Development but has appeared in Elizabethtown, 27 Dresses, 13 Going on 30, Love and Other Drugs and TV’s Archer and Two and Half Men, to name only a few. When I caught up with her at the Denver Film Festival, she was about to receive the John Cassavetes Award for her body of work and was promoting The Descendants, the Hawaii-set drama starring George Clooney and Jeff Who Lives at Home, an upcoming comedy starring Jason Segal and Ed Helms.

Both represent a dramatic departure from her usually comedic turns and her work in The Descendants has rightfully been called award-worthy (see page 26 for my review). In person, Miss Greer is gorgeous, bubbly, warmly talkative and open.

She spoke exclusively to MauiTime about filming in Hawaii, the future of Arrested Development, her take on M. Night Shyamalen’s The Village, working with George Clooney and some of her most famous directors. appoint you but I kind of forget. It all happened–I mean, I got the script, my agent had this audition for me, I was thrilled to be able to audition for Alexander Payne.

My main goal I have for directors I want to work with is to impress them. Not necessarily to get the part, I just want them to like me, so they’d use me at some point in their career. People have circled back, so that’s been great. In this situation, it was no different, I just wanted to act well for him. I

MT: What was it like working with George Clooney for the second time?

GREER: Working with him is always awesome but thankfully, it was my second time because I was so nervous to work with Alexander that I felt like if I never worked with George before I would have been beside myself. I kind of needed him to be my friend and since we already worked together, he was. I felt very safe acting with him

“The set and everyone was so mellow, everyone brought their surfboards and surfed during lunch. It didn’t feel like we were working 12-hour days. We worked hard but it was so beautiful.” prepared a scene for him the day before, he liked me and cast me. The day before the shoot, I asked him, how do you want me to prepare? He just said “just do what you did at the audition. It was perfect, that’s why I cast you.” My audition was all my scenes from the movie, so I had already done everything for him. It was pretty easy–I thought, well, that’s what he wants. I kind of just do myself, I just do what I do. It’s a version of me, and this time it worked.

and having that kind of emotional roller coaster felt really natural to do with him. I felt really protective and he was really supportive and gave me whatever space I needed. He was really good at reading where I was emotionally.

MT: I gotta ask about Jeff Who Lives at Home. Great film, I only regret that audiences won’t see it until March. The directors, the Duplass brothers, are known for their highly

improvised movies. How much freedom did you have in shaping your performance?

GREER: Oh, whatever I wanted to do. It was very different and I shot both movies at the same time. I flew back and forth from Hawaii to New Orleans doing them both at the same time. My manager and agents are like miracle workers with my schedule, because there were so many times when one of them almost kind of fell apart. It was strange to go from doing something like Descendants, where Alexander is so prepared and specific on what he wants; it’s a calm set, we took our time setting up shots, getting things perfectly… With the Duplass brothers, I would go back on a plane to New Orleans, two cameras are rolling all the time, we can do and say whatever we want, they talk to us during the scene, during takes they give us direction and feed us lines. Sometimes you’d say something improvisational they’d like and they’d riff on that. The set-ups go fast, they move fast and don’t take a long time, they don’t sit around a lot. It’s a very different working environment. Equally awesome, just totally different. They love improvising and they cast people they want to work with and feel comfortable with. We can just do whatever and they’re really confident in us. They were happy with who we were as people, so we could do whatever we wanted. It was really fun and totally different.

MT: The inevitable Arrested Development questionGREER: I don’t know!! [laughs] MT: No, that’s not what it is! I just wanted to ask, considering this is one of the great TV comedies of all time, is it a good idea, or is it something to leave alone. There’s lots of talk about a movie, a TV revival…

GREER: If it was anyone other than Mitch Hurwitz, I would say to leave it alone. But he’s so awesome and, selfishly, I hope I get to do the movie and get to work with him again. I think the reason they have waited so long was because they want to get it right. I have every confidence that is gonna be awesome.

MT: What did you think of The Village?

GREER: I loved it. I had a great time making that movie and the ending shocked me when I read the script. I thought it was a beautiful story and I was disappointed it wasn’t more successful or well received. I thought it was a really cool and weird and strange take on society. So I was expecting everyone to think it was the greatest movie ever, [laughs] like I did at the time. Also, working with Night is awesome, it’s an experience, because he takes such good care of everybody, his crew and actors... He’s so generous and specific on what he wants.

He’s really controlling, in a good way. I liked it, I liked working with him.

MT: I wanted to ask you my self-indulgent question, if you’ll humor me?

GREER: Go for it.

MT:You’ve worked with some of my favorite directors and, if you’re willing, I wanted to throw some of these names at you and ask what your thoughts and the first thing that comes to mind.

If you want to say Pass, feel free.

GREER: Okay, cool.

MT: We’ll start withGREER: Pass!

MT: [laughs] It works.

GREER: I never get that opportunity!

MT: Spike Jonze.

GREER: I love Spike. He reminds me most of Alexander Payne in his temperament and intimacy with us while we’re working.

They both stand next to the camera and really private about the moment they’re trying to create. I like that.

MT: David O’ Russell.

GREER: He’s a genius. He’s like a mad scientist. It was a long time ago that I worked with him but I loved how on Three Kings he sat us all down and had character conversations with each of us. He was like, “great, this is who you are. This is who you think you are.” We talked about it, figured it out, we were all on the same page. When we showed up for work, we could do whatever we want.

MT: Mike Nichols.

GREER: He’s like the father figure. He was so cool and confident. I remember him asking, “do you think we’re making a good movie?” I was like, “I don’t know.” I liked that… and he can interpret dreams. So there.

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MT: Wes Craven.

GREER: I loved him. He’d Xerox the New York Times crossword puzzle and pass it out to everyone. Every day, for all the crew members, we’d all try to ward off Alzheimer’s by doing crossword puzzles [laughs].

MT: Nancy Meyers.

GREER: She’s very particular...

MT: [laughs] Moving on, Edward Zwick.

GREER: Oh, I loved him. He made me nervous because he so intensely watches the monitors and you. I really loved the kind of attention he paid to all of us. I loved making him laugh because, at the time, it didn’t seem to come easily for him.

MT: Last question. Your filmography is so versatile and extensive. Are there any underrated gems you’d like your fans to give another look?

GREER: I love this movie I did called Barry Munday. I’m obsessed with it. I’m obsessed with Patrick Wilson in that movie–it’s not even about myself, I just wish people would watch his performance in that movie, because he is SO FUNNY and I don’t think people see him as funny or know how funny he is. He’s hilarious in that movie. The second one I’ll say is The TV Set; it didn’t get to a lot of people and it’s super-underground, Hollywood stuff about making a television pilot. It’s absolutely accurate, unfortunately, I think it’s brilliantly acted and written and directed by Jake Kasdan. Those are two movies that I wish would have a second chance.

MT: Awesome. Thank you and have fun tonight.

GREER: Thank you for interviewing me!

MT: I was looking forward to this all day.

GREER: Awesome robots! ■ To share or save this article, type: mt.hy.pr/1527L Comment on this story at mauitime.com

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FOOD&DRINK

Bully’s Burger It’s the best burger I’ve ever eaten

BY JEN RUSSO

Sitting under the brightly painted orange sky near the end of the day, we could see the Triple L Ranch cattle grazing down the mountain. fee, drinks, chips. Bully’s Burger is a six-ounce freerange natural beef burger ($8) and you choose the fix ins. The same goes for the 10-ounce double Bully Burger ($12); burgers can also come with toppings like agave sautéed mushrooms, Swiss cheese, American cheese, bleu cheese, teriyaki sauce, sautéed onions, avocado, jalapenos and bacon. The burgers are dressed with locally sourced lettuce and tomato on a sesame seed bun.

The day I visited it was butter leaf lettuce, which can really hold up with the beef and not get too soggy. I had my Bully Burger with avo and jalapenos. The girls had teriyaki burger, and in a split second there was no more.

I didn’t even get a bite.

The burgers come with chips and a made on Maui chayote pickle (DePonte says this aids the digestion of beef).

The pickle was fresh and crisp.

“So what do you think?” DePont asked during the meal. “Is it the best burger you have ever had? Don’t lie to me.”

I had to admit this was the best damn burger. The beef really blew me away. In fact, I detected coffee rub, salt and pepper, but when I asked DePonte what she used for seasoning she just giggled. “It’s a secret seasoning, but it’s heart healthy,” she said. “I did my research and wanted to come up with something so I did not have to use salt, and it really allows the flavor of this beef to come out.” She also has a special grill that grills the beef but keeps the juices in.

DuPonte lamented that her son Zach and daughter Maurissa were at a rodeo the day we stopped by. Zach is a natural on the grill, an amazing chef and people-person, she said. Maurissa is the behind-the-scenes girl, making it all happen. But that is the other part of the business–rodeo and ranching with the Triple L horses and cattle. On New Years Day, they will hold a dirt bike race to the summit in honor of Bully, who always made a similar ride on the first of the year (the party starts at noon).

Sitting under the brightly painted orange sky near the end of the day, we could see the Triple L Ranch cattle grazing down the mountain. The sun was setting behind Kahoolawe, a view I rarely see. There was no one else around.

We sat back for a bit and listened to Big Island radio, played with the mascot pit bulls and enjoyed li hing mui

So fresh it practically mooos in your mouth

Bully’s Burgers 15900 Pi'ilani Rd., Kanaio 878-3272 triplelranchmaui.com/Bully_s_Burgers.html

W

hen was the last time you drove out to a cattle ranch for a burger? Last Friday my niece and my daughter already had the Winter Break itch, restless for adventure that might get their minds of Santa’s impending visit. I decided we should take a trip out to Bully’s Burger, the new burger shack in Kanaio.

To get there you will drive past the Tedeschi Winery until you think you must have passed it. Then you drive two miles more and there it is, right past the Triple L Ranch sign. You pull into the little gravel parking lot and take the cinder rock trail that leads you up to the small shack where you order at the window.

The burger stop was the vision of champion bull rider and rancher Louis Bully DePonte but he never saw it built, having passed away back in March. Paige DePonte, his wife, and their children Zachery and Maurissa have built the place and work in it, believing in his dream to sell their own beef burgers on their ranch.

Gourmands always talk about terrior in coffee tea and wine, but you never hear about it for beef. Why not? Beef that has grazed has an amazing flavor, which is no doubt infused with the ranch’s climate, geography and geology.

Our country’s industrial food production and distribution network, which depends on feeding grain instead of grass to cattle, has sacrificed taste (and health) for economies of scale. But an hour’s drive to the country will put you in touch with real grass-fed beef, rustic roadside dining and views that include the summits of Mauna Kea and Mauna Loa. It’s not a huge menu: beef burgers, shave ice, cof-

and strawberry shave ice for dessert. As the sun set and the shop closed, we said our sad goodbyes and promised to visit again soon to put another notch in the Bully Burger punch card (your 10th burger is free).

DePonte hopes to eventually add solar lights, milkshakes, smoothies and steaks. Until they do that, I’ll be perfectly content with the burgers. ■ jen@mauitime.com + @jenrusso

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For more foodie news, visit MauiTime’s food blog at: mauidish.com

Paige DePonte: burger rancher

DECEMBER 22, 2011 15

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DECEMBER 22, 2011

LIFESTYLE

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FOODIE NEWS

Saffron

BY JEN RUSSO

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A Kea Lani Christmas

I

f you’re craving a taste of Christmas, complete with giant Christmas trees, colorful decorations, Saint Nick sightings, gingerbread houses and holiday music, it’s time to get the family together and spend an evening at the Fairmont Kea Lani.

I asked Executive Chef Tylun Pang and General Manager Charles Head what makes their holiday spirit shine so bright for those folks who decide to spend their holidays on Maui.

MAUITIME: What is the most exciting aspect of entertaining guests for the holiday?

CHARLES HEAD: At the Fairmont Kea Lani, Festive Season is the most wonderful time of the year. It’s a time when return guests come together with Maui’s community to celebrate the holidays with special people, events and activities.

MT: I know you anticipate being at full capacity for the holidays. What part of the planet are guests coming here from? Do you see a majority of guests from a particular region?

HEAD: Most of our guests continue to be from the mainland. However, we have seen an increase in guests from Canada.

MT: What is the most important detail for you in the hospitality industry over the holidays?

HEAD: The commitment to offering a wonderful experience full of aloha is especially important over the holiday season. Many of our guests who visit during the holidays have returned to The Fairmont Kea Lani year after year. When they arrive, they come together and re-connect with our hotel team. These relationships have been in place for years and are starting to become multi-generational. It is such a warm and great atmosphere to celebrate the holidays with.

MT: Chef, what holiday dishes are trendy this year?

TYLUNG PANG: We are finding that more visitors are interested in a variation of cuisines.

At our signature restaurant Ko, we serve cuisine from the many cultures of Maui and try to do the same thing at special events. For example, on New Year's Eve, we will be serving Chinese, Japanese and Hawaiian selections.

Our guests appreciate learning about and trying food that they may have not tasted before.

MT: What dishes are always popular and served year after year?

PANG: Year after year, we continue to serve traditional holiday food combined with fresh island favorites. The herb crusted prime rib and roast turkey carving station is always popular, as well as the mac-nut crusted fresh catch of the day and, of course, the salads and vegetables from Upcountry Kula farms.

MT: What local ingredients will you incorporate into your holiday meal planning?

PANG: Over 90 percent of the produce used at The Fairmont Kea Lani is grown locally on Maui. We also support Maui’s ranchers and fishermen whenever possible. It’s not only the right thing to do to support our Maui community–it tastes better too!

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Indian Cafe & Grill

2395 S. KIHEI RD., KIHEI (Across Kamaole Beach 1)

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The Fairmont Kea Lani will be hosting the following events:

Santa’s Arrival It’s a Christmas sleigh Hawaiian style. My daughter always asks, as did I when I was kid, How does Santa get in if we don’t have a chimney? My answer is the same as my mom’s: “Through the screen door honey. Don’t worry!

He leaves his rubba slippa at the door!” On Saturday, Dec. 24 at noon, see Santa Claus, along with Mrs. Claus and their elves, arrive on Polo Beach via outrigger canoe to spread holiday cheer to South Maui. This free annual event has been a Fairmont Kea Lani tradition for the past decade. Attendees are encouraged to bring their cameras, as Mr. and Mrs. Claus will be available to pose for photos with keiki.

Christmas in Paradise Dinner On Sunday, Dec. 25 at 5pm, The Fairmont will host a Christmas in Paradise buffet dinner.

Located on the Polo Beach Lawn overlooking the Pacific, the buffet will include slow-roasted free-range turkey, seafood and many traditional favorites including holiday desserts. Live entertainment and an open premium bar will ensure a memorable and festive Christmas Day. Seating from 5-7pm. The cost is $90 per person, $30 for children six-12 years and children five years and under are free (must be accompanied by an adult).

New Year’s Eve Gala On Saturday, Dec. 31 at 6pm, The Fairmont will kick off an evening of island cuisine, entertainment, tropical cocktails and dancing, all leading up to ringing in 2012. The underseathemed New Year’s Eve Gala will begin with a reception featuring a premium open bar and pupus, followed by a gourmet buffet dinner. The celebration will continue with entertainment and dancing until midnight. Cost is $250 per person, $150 for 16-20 years old, $60 for 6-15 years old and children five and under are free (must be accompanied by an adult).

For more information about The Fairmont Kea Lani’s holiday festivities, visit fairmont. com/kealani, call 808-875-2290 or email concierge.kealani@fairmont.com. For more holiday dining events please visit mauidish.com. ■ jen@mauitime.com + @jenrusso

Got a hot food scoop? Contact Jen Russo at 808-280-3286 or fax to 808-244-0446.

To share or save this article, type: mt.hy.pr/1527d2 For more foodie news, visit MauiTime’s food blog at: mauidish.com

DECEMBER 22, 2011 17

18

DECEMBER 22, 2011

PICKS

This Week's Picks

DIVERSIONS, DALLIANCES & DATES

BY ANU YAGI

THURSDAY, DECEMBER ER 2 22 2 ‘TWIZ A FEW NIGHTS BEFORE CHRISTMAS - If you’re pau with (or need a break from) your shopping n’ wrapping and just wanna let loose on the dance floor, let DJ Twizzy be your holiday helper. No cover. 10pm-close.

ISRAELI FOLK DANCING GROUP OF MAUI’S ANNUAL COMMUNITY CHANUKAH PARTY - At this festive happening, enjoy an elaborate (and health-conscious) potluck, Jewish music played live on the piano, a Chanukah candle lighting ceremony and blessing, plus lively Israeli folk dancing. Hooked on the groove? Learn more by joining your hosts for free Israeli folk dancing classes every Thu.

Oceans Bar & Grill (1819 S. Kihei Rd.);; 891-2414

(6-8pm) and Sun. (4-6pm). Free. 6-8:30pm. Grace Church (55 Makaena Pl., Pukalani); 280-1051

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 23 FESTIVUS FOR THE REST OF US WITH KIMO NEVIUS - When you’re done admiring your unadorned Festivus pole (aluminum makes for very high strength-to-weight ratio), join Kimo Nevius for his first annual Festivus concert featuring Nevius originals, holiday tunes, ‘80s pop songs “rescued from oblivion,” loads of great giveaways and–of course–the Festivus traditions of Airing of Grievances and Feats of Strength. No cover (so you can make a donation to The Human Fund). 6-8pm. Local Mocha Cafe (81 Makawao Ave., Pukalani); 2147986; kimosongs.com

JINGLE BELL ROCK WITH OWAILA - Christmas comes early with Owaila’s Kanoa Kukaua, Chad Kaya, Ryan Rego and Tavi Tenari who’ll rock Diamonds Ice Bar with special guests DJ AP and DJ Wylin’-Out. Not only can you head bang-away your bah humbug blues with the Owaila’s heavy, original tunes, but you can drink to your liver’s (mal)content with drink specials like $3 Bud Light and Rolling Rock.

Plus, the Diamonds kitchen serves food ‘til midnight. No cover. 10pm. Diamonds Ice Bar (1279 S. Kihei Rd.); 874-9299

PHOTO BY DON LANE

PHOTO BY JOYCE CHIN

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 24 AN A N IRISH CHRISTM CHRISTMAS EVE - Nollaig Shona hona Duit!

Christmas” in Gaelic, and That means “Merry Ch nd you’ll when you celebrate do well to know it w Isle-style with the season Emerald Emera music by The Celtic Celt Tigers and special guest Kevin O’Kennedy. Plus, offering a special three-the pub’s offe course Christmas dinner in addition to their full menu. addit u. No

UNITY CHURCH OF MAUI’S ANNUAL CHRISTMAS EVE CONCERT - Special musical guests include Lei’ohu Ryder, Omar Adisa Camara, Curt Lee, Ken Stover, Louise Lambert, Dr. Virgie Cantorna, and Hula Hui O Lokahi. Plus, the program features an inspirational message, “Christ Be Born in You,” by Rev. John Copeland. Free. 6:30-8pm. Iao The-

cover gan’s on cover. 6:30-9:30pm. Mulligan’s B the Blue (100 Kaukahi St., Wailea); 874-11 mulligansontheblue.com ue.com 874-113;

ater (68 N. Market St., Wailuku); 2429327; unityonmaui.org

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 25 ORPHANS’ CHRISTMAS PARTY - Paradise comes with a price, and sometimes the cost means being away from ‘ohana abroad. So if come Christmas morn you find yourself with no place to go and no one to cook you a homemade meal, go to Dog & Duck Irish Pub on the South side.

Owner Mick Ryan (who’s an Irishman born in England) has flown in his own family to make n’ bake a traditional meal, including savory Yorkshire pudding and a decadent trifle dessert. 11am-10pm. Dog & Duck Irish Pub (1913 S. Kihei Rd.); 875-9669

NAUGHTY OR NICE PARTY WITH TH DJ CIA - With an emphasis on the nicest est of naughty things, DJ CIA spins sexy, bootyshaking beats all night. And who needs eggnog when Ambrosia’s got $4 Christmas cookie-flavored shots and ginger snap nap drinks? If you can’t wait, no worries. DJ Decka ka hosts Ambrosia’s Jingle Jam on Christmas Eve. No cover. ge (1913 S. Ki10pm-close. Ambrosia Martini Lounge m hei Rd.); 891-1011; ambrosiamaui.com

MONDAY, DECEMBER 26 TEAR IT UP AT TIMBA - Typically, Timba’s swanky lounge is only open Thu. through Sat., but they’re staying open nightly Christmas Eve through New Years Eve to help meet the holiday party demand. So if you’re looking for the slickest spot to strut your new stilettos

from Santa, high-heel it up to Timba for fancy footwork and drinks. (PS: Be sure to check out Timba’s new House of Reggae night, every Thu., feat. DJs Boomshot and Kamikaze.) $10 cover. 9:45pm-2am. Timba (505 Front St., Lahaina); 661-9873; timbamaui.com

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 27 OPEN MIC NIGHT AT MOANA BAKERY & CAFE - If all the holly jolliness of the season has put a song in your heart–and you’re in need of a soapbox–check out Moana Bakery and Cafe’s open mic night. If you’re really lucky, you might catch a performance by up-and-coming musician Jaxon Chester (follow him on Twitter @RockTheUke)–who’s ‘ukulele skills have a

technical and rhythmic edge that’s mature-beyond-his-years. That way, when this youngster’s all grown up and famous, you can say you saw him at his start. No cover. 8:30pm-close. Moana Bakery & Cafe (71 Baldwin Ave., Paia); 579-9999; moanacafe.com

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 28 LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX - If you need a little spice in your life, take a cue from Salt-n-Pepa and talk about sex, baby. And at Dr. Sonia Borg’s lecture “The Best Sex of Your Life,” there’s in fact so much to talk about that the evening’s discussion is really just an intro to a class series beginning Sat., Jan 21. But wait–you don’t wanna talk about sex with just anyone, right? No worries, Dr. Borg’s a professional clinical sexologist, certified by the American College of Sexologists (we promise we did not make that up) and owner of The Happy Endings Company. By donation. 6:30-8pm. Soul Space Renewal Center (16. S. Market St., Wailuku); soulspacemaui.com

DECEMBER 2, 2011

19

CALENDAR

Da Kine Calendar

Thursday

BY ANU YAGI

12/22

BIG SHOWS FESTIVUS FOR THE REST OF US WITH KIMO NEVIUS - Fri., Dec. 23. See This Week’s Picks for more. No cover. 6-8pm. Local Mocha Cafe (81 Makawao Ave., Pukalani); 214-7986; kimosongs.com OWAILA WITH DJ AP AND DJ WYLIN’ OUT - Fri., Dec. 23. See This Week’s Picks for more.

No cover. 10pm. Diamonds Ice Bar (1279 S. Kihei Rd.); 874-9299 BAND DEBUT: MAUI DRIVERS - Fri., Dec. 23. Felicity Raugust, Chris Limos and Brian Funai make their debut as Maui Drivers, playing raucous rock, country, soul and R&B. $10.

10pm. Casanova (1188 Mawakao Ave.); 5720220; casanovamaui.com UNITY CHURCH OF MAUI’S ANNUAL CHRISTMAS EVE CONCERT - See This Week’s Picks for more. Free. 6:30-8pm. Iao Theater (68 N. Market St., Wailuku); 2429327; unityonmaui.org

Friday

12/23 Saturday

12/24 Sunday

12/25

TICKETS ON SALE

“home of the $1 mai tai” Kihei’s BEST Sunset Cocktail Spot!

AUTHENTIC MEXICAN FOOD BURGERS SALADS Live Music Daily Sunset Happy Hour 3-7 Nightly Entertainment

THURSDAY 22 9pm

RAMPAGE

KIHEI’S LEGENDARY WEEKLY REGGAE DANCE PARTY

FRIDAY 23 9pm

DAT GUYZ KEOLA AND BAND PLAYING ALL THE ISLAND FAVORITES CHRISTMAS EVE KARAOKE

SATURDAY 24 9pm

MELE KALIKIMAKA

SUNDAY 25

CAROL - OKE CLOSED

MONDAY 26 8pm

KARAOKE

HAPPY HOUR PRICES ALL DAY!!

MUSIC VIDEOS WITH DJ H

TUESDAY 27 9PM

$1 TACOS, $3 MEXICAN BEERS OPEN MIC

WEDNESDAY 28 9pm

GET UP & JAM OR WATCH THE RISING STARS

1913 S Kihei Rd 808.891.8010 ACROSS FROM FOODLAND

20 DECEMBER 22, 2011

BILL MAHER - Sun., Jan. 1. Who cares if atheist ain’t got no songs? We’ve got Bill Maher!

See you there. $35.50 / $45.50 / $65.50 / $85.50. Castle Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org PROARTS PRESENTS “RUTHLESS!” - Returning from a holiday hiatus, this show continues its run Thu., Fri., and Sat., Jan. 6 through 15. This witty, campy off-Broadway hit is the final show of ProArts’s Fall / Winter season, and follows the story of a naive 1950s housewife and her adorable–but sociopathic 8-year-old daughter. 7:30pm Thu-Sat. / 3pm Sun. $25 adults / $20 youth 18-years-old and younger.

ProArts Playhouse, Azeka (Makai) Shopping Center (1280 S. Kihei Rd.); 463-6550; proartspacific.com MOONLIGHT SERIES FEAT. MACEO PARKER - Sat., Jan. 14. Pass the peas, gimme some more! The one and only Maceo Parker– the funk saxophonist famed for his work with Parliament Funkadelic and James Brown–is coming to Maui. Seriously. $35 / $40. 7:30pm.

A&B Amphitheater / Yokouchi Pavilion, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-7469 (SHOW); mauiarts.org AN INTIMATE EVENING OF JAZZ - Thu., Jan. 19. Jazz great Bill Mays (whose extensive resume includes Sarah Vaughn and Frank Zappa) joins local favorites Phil and Angie Benoit.

Followed by an artist meet-and-greet. $30.

7:30pm. McCoy Studio Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-7469 (SHOW); mauiarts.org KUMU KAHUA THEATRE PRESENTS “A JIVEBOMBER’S CHRISTMAS” - Fri. & Sat, Jan. 20 & 21. This play, written by Saachiko and Dom Bagwili, was first produced by Los Angeles’s Japanese American National Museum. Though set in a WWII relocation camp for Japanese Americans, this story is filled with lighthearted nostalgia. $22. 7:30pm. McCoy Studio Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-7469 (SHOW); mauiarts.org

MOONLIGHT SERIES FEAT. HAPA - Fri., Jan. 20. Unless you live under a rock (not withstanding the fact that we live on a rock), you already know that Barry Flanagan and Ron Kuala‘au are one of Hawaii’s favorite musical duos. $30 / $45. 7:30pm. A&B Amphitheater / Yokouchi Pavilion, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-7469 (SHOW); mauiarts.org THE AIRBORNE TOXIC EVENT - Fri. Jan. 20. Expect busy thrift stores as local indies prepare their concert-going threads for this hip show. $23.50 / $28.50 / $55.50. 8pm. Castle Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-7469 (SHOW); mauiarts.org KANAKA HEKILI M/C 6TH ANNUAL GOLF TOURNAMENT - Sat., Jan. 21. A three-person team, best ball scramble with a portion of proceeds benefitting Maui Veterans of Foreign Wars. Closest-to-the-pin and longest drive each win $100. First, second and third place teams win $600, $300 and $150, respectively. Plus, hole-in-one prizes include $10,000 (which was accomplished at their fourth annual tourney) and a Harley Davidson motorcycle.

(PS: The M/C also seeks hole sponsorships and prize donations. To ensure signage, deadline for hole sponsorship ($100) is Jan. 14.)

Tourney entry deadline is Jan. 16. $100 per golfer. Cost includes green and cart fees, a catered lunch at the Kihei VFW grounds, two raffle tickets, two mulligans and three chances at closest-to-the-pin. 6am check-in / 7am shotgun start. Elleair Maui Golf Club; Jim Lapham: 264-0168; kanakahekili.com TEDXMAUI 2012 - Sun., Jan. 22. Because good ideas are worth spreading, Mauians host their own TEDx event. Hosted by Kainoa Horjaco and Leslie Wilcox. Guest speakers include Elizabeth Lindsey, Art Medeiros, Pualani Kanaka‘ole Kanahele, W.S. Merwin, Byron Washom and Susan Casey. 9am-6pm. $99 general / $75 students & seniors. Castle Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-7469 (SHOW); mauiarts.org STORYTELLING FESTIVAL: MAUI, HINA & KA HANA KAPA - Sun., Jan. 22. The legend of the demi-god Maui lassoing the sun will be performed in chant, dance and the art of storytelling. Free. 3pm. The Pa, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-7469 (SHOW); mauiarts.org FIFTH ANNUAL MYSTIC ISLAND FESTIVAL - Thu. through Mon., Jan. 26 through 30.

An over four-day happening featuring DJs, ecstatic dance, yoga, workshops, satsang with Ram Dass and live entertainment by the likes of Chris Berry and Michael Kang (of String Cheese Incident and Panjea fame), Jah Levi and David Starfire. Weekend passes include three nights of camping at Camp Oluwalu. $200 if purchased by Jan. 25 / $225 at door (if available). Kama’aina discount offered. Visit mysticislandfestival.com for more information.

JORMA KAUKONEN AND CHRIS SMITHER - Fri., Jan. 27 - Jorma Kaukonen of Hot Tuna and Jefferson Airplane fame is joined by acoustic blues master Chris Smither. Tickets available online, by phone, and at If The Shoe Fits (Wailuku) and Lava Java (Kihei) $28 / $35 / $45 Gold Circle. 6pm doors / 7pm show.

Iao Theater (68 N. Market St., Wailuku); 8964845; lazarbear.com

ANNOUNCEMENTS HAWAII PUBLIC LIBRARIES OBSERVE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY - Most Hawaii public libraries will be closed Sat. through Mon., Dec. 24-26. However, the Makawao Public Library will close on Fri., Dec. 23 and reopen on Mon., Dec. 26. librarieshawaii.org HELP THE BOY SCOUTS BY RECYCLING YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE - South Kihei residents are encouraged to reduce the volume of green waste in our landfill by recycling their Christmas trees with the Kihei/Wailea Troop 22 Boy Scouts’ curbside collection program (Sat., Jan. 7). The trees will be recycled into fragrant chips and compost and proceeds will help support their upcoming summertime trip to Alaska. Reservations for curbside pickup need to be made by Jan. 6 by calling 280-4817 or 264-6237, and trees must be free of decorations including tinsel, wire and frocking. $10 suggested donation per tree.

HAWAII HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS INVITED TO COMPETE IN NATIONAL POETRY RECITATION CONTEST - Honolulu Theatre for Youth (HTY) and the Hawaii State Foundation on Culture and the Arts invite high school students to compete in Poetry Out Loud: National Recitation Contest, presented in partnership with the National Endowment for the Arts and the Poetry Foundation. Schools are invited to participate in classroom and schoolwide contests, advancing to a Hawaii state competition on March 18 in Honolulu. The Hawaii state champion will receive $200 and an all-expenses-paid trip to Washington, DC, to compete for a $20,000 prize in the National Finals on May 14-15. To get involved, high school teachers should contact HTY at 839-9885 ext. 704 or e-mail edadmin@htyweb.org

EVENTS THURSDAY, DECEMBER 22 GET YOUR GIFTS WRAPPED WHILE HELPING A WORTHY LOCAL NON-PROFIT - Does gift wrapping get you warped? Never fear, local non-profits are here to help–and your donation for their effort will help support their causes. The Kihei Youth Center offers gift wrapping Thu., 10am-9pm as will Habitat for Humanity on Fri., 10am-10pm and Sat., 9am1pm. Queen Kaahumanu Center (275 W. Kaahumanu Ave., Kahului); 877-3369; queenkaahumanucenter.com FIRSTLIGHT: ACADEMY SCREENINGS This week’s films screen Thu., Fri, Mon., Tue. and Wed. (with the last of the season’s screenings on Thu., Dec. 29 and Fri., Dec. 30). $12 single ticket / $40 FirstLight’s four-film VIP Fast Pass (i.e. $10 ea.) Castle Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org / mauifilmfestival.com >>> The Beginners (PG 13; 109 min.) - Poetically succinct snapshots capture the POV

TheGRID

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

MONDAY-WEDNESDAY

12/22

12/23

12/24

12/25

12/26 - 12/28

FIND THE GRID ONLINE AT MAUITIME.COM/GRID OR TO HAVE YOUR BUSINESS ADDED TO OUR WEEKLY GRID SEND YOUR INFORMATION TO CALENDAR@MAUITIME.COM

ALE HOUSE

AMBROSIA

355 E. Kamehameha, Kahului - 877-9001

1913 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 891-1011

NFL / Thirsty Thursday

Braddah Francis 4-8pm / Naughty or Nice Party w/ Power Up Crew’s DJ Kollision and k.s.k 10pm; no cover

NFL (closes at 5pm for Christmas Eve)

closed (Merry Christmas!)

MON - NFL / Open Mic Jam Sesh w/ hostess Teri Garrison, 8pm / TUE - Clay Mortensen, 5-9pm / WED - Teri Garrison 5-8pm; free karaoke w/ host Braddah Francis, 8pm (all sets no cover)

Jamie Gallo, 7pm / Old School Thursdays w/ DJ Del Sol, 10pm; no cover

Whatever You Want w/ DJ AstroRaph 10pm; no cover

Jingle Jam w/ DJ Decka 10pm; no cover

Naughty or Nice Party w/ DJ CIA 10pm; no cover

MON - The Jonah Trio, 8pm; Lades’ & ‘80s Night w/ DJ Skinny Guy / TUE - Dirty House Tuesdays w/ DJ La Rage / WED - Red Carpet Movie Night, 7:30pm; Maui’s HI-5 Night (S.I.N.) w/ DJs Del Sol & CIA, 10pm (all sets no cover)

Maui Drivers 10pm; $10

Naughty or Nice Party w/ DJ Trvr & DJ Kurt 10pm; $5

Wavetrain feat.

Mark Johnstone & Friends 10pm; no cover

Paia Fourth Friday: Nuff Sedd w/ Dani Girl & DJ Boomshot 9pm; $10

NFL (closes at 7pm for Christmas Eve)

NBA All Day opens at 9am

Barefoot Minded 7:30-10pm; no cover

Dave Caroll 7:30-10pm; no cover

closed (Merry Christmas Eve!)

closed (Merry Christmas!)

MON - Peter deAquino, 7:30-10pm / TUE - Live Jazz, 7-10pm / WED - Jordan Cuddy, 7:30-10pm

The Kihei Cowboys 10pm; no cover

Owaila w/ DJ AP & DJ Wylin’-Out 10pm; no cover

John Grover Band 10pm; no cover

closed (Merry Christmas!)

MON - Gomega / TUE - Rampage / WED - Juke Box Party (all sets 10pm; no cover)

Quiz Night 10pm; no cover

Dance Party 10pm; no cover

Big John 10pm; no cover

Orphans’ Christmas open at 11am

MON – Daniel / TUE - Big John / WED Jessica & Kanoa (all sets 10pm; no cover)

Karaoke

Live Music

Karaoke

closed (Merry Christmas!)

MON - NFL / WED - Go Go Dancers & DJ Music, 10pm-1am; no cover

Rampage 9pm-close; no cover

Dat Guyz 9pm-close; no cover

Christmas Carol-oke 9pm-close; no cover

closed (Merry Christmas!)

MON - NFL / Karaoke, 8pm-close / TUE - Music videos w/ DJ H, 9pm-close / WED - Open Mic Night, 9pm-close

Indio & Avi 8:30pm; no cover (all ages!)

The Electric Surfers 8:30pm; no cover

The House Shakers will return next week (Merry Christmas Eve!)

MON - Blues Spirit of Maui, 8:30pm / TUE - Kenny Roberts, 8:30pm (all ages!) / WED - Damon Parillo & Danyel Alana, 8:30pm (all ages)

Karaoke

Karaoke

Karaoke

WED - Karaoke

CASANOVA

1188 Makawao Ave., Makawao - 572-0220

CHARLEY’S

142 Hana Hwy., Paia - 579-8085

COOL CAT CAFE

Wharf Cinema Center, Front St., Lahaina - 667-0908

DIAMONDS ICE BAR 1279 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 874-9299

DOG & DUCK IRISH PUB 1913 S. Kihei Rd. - 875-9669

GREEN LEAF SPORTS BAR 1088 Lower Main St., Wailuku - 244-4888

HAUI’S LIFE’S A BEACH 1913 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 891-8010

HARD ROCK CAFE 900 Front St., Lahaina - 667-7400

ISANA

515 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 874-8199

of Oliver (Ewan McGregor) as he falls in love with a mercurially irreverent beauty (Melani Laurent) and meanwhile must reconcile the memory of his recently deceased father (Christopher Plummer), who at the age of 75 (and after 44 years of heterosexual marriage), came out of the closet to live an energetic life with his young lover. Maui Film Festival fans might remember this movie from it’s summertime screening in Wailea. 2pm. >>> 50/50 (R; 99 min.) - Part sex farce, part tear-jerker, Barry Wurst II says this cancer-ascomedy flick “isn’t a dour, heavy-handed Disease of the Week TV Movie ordeal [but] a movie funny enough to leave your ribs aching from laughter [while] also potently touching and honest.” Starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Seth Rogen, Anna Kendrick, Bryce Dallas Howard and Anjelica Huston. 5pm. >>> Rampart (R; 103 min.) - Mauian Woody Harrelson stars as LAPD officer Dave Brown, a Vietnam vet with vigilante proclivity who incites a scandalous department-wide investigation when he’s caught on tape beating a suspect. “In the end, what is left is a human being stripped of all his pretense, machismo, chauvinism, arrogance, sexism, homophobia, racism, aggression, misanthropy,” (Millennium Entertainment). “But is it enough to redeem him as a man?” 7:30pm.

LAHAINA BAPTIST CHOIR PERFORMANCE - This group’s sweet holiday crooning will put you in a festive mood. Free. 7pm.

Queen Kaahumanu Center (275 W. Kaahumanu Ave., Kahului); 877-3369; queenkaahumanucenter.com

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 23 SANTA VISITS THE KAHULUI LIBRARY -

Jolly ol’ Saint Nicholas tells seasonal stories and gives away special holiday presents. All ages welcome. Keiki must be accompanied by a caregiver. [45 min. program.] Free. 10:30am.

Kahului Public Library (90 School St.); 8733097; librarieshawaii.org FIRSTLIGHT: ACADEMY SCREENINGS This week’s films screen Thu., Fri, Mon., Tue. and Wed. (with the last of the season’s screenings on Thu., Dec. 29 and Fri., Dec. 30). $12 single ticket / $40 FirstLight’s four-film VIP Fast Pass (i.e. $10 ea.) Castle Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org / mauifilmfestival.com >>> We Need to Talk About Kevin (R; 120 min.) - A psychological thriller that “explores the fractious relationship between a mother [Tilda Swinton as Eva] and her evil son... nature vs. nurture on a whole new level as Eva’s own culpability is measured against Kevin’s innate evilness” (Oscilloscope). 2pm. >>> W.E. (R; 106 min.) - The Material Girl (yes, we mean Madonna) directs “a two-tiered romantic drama focusing on the affair between King Edward VIII and American divorcée Wallis Simpson and a contemporary romance between a married woman and a Russian security guard” (The Weinstein Company). Starring Abbie Cornish, James D’Arcy and Andrea Riseborough. 5pm >>> My Week with Marilyn (R; 96 min.)

- See our Film section on page 27 for movie synopsis. 7:30pm.

PAIA FOURTH FRIDAY & “PAIA GIVES” EVENT - Now in its fifth year, “Paia Gives” is an annual event that raises thousands of dollars for myriad local charities, as sponsored by each store. This year’s efforts align with the town’s Paia Fourth Friday (a burgeoning bevy

TUE - Willie K and The Warehouse Blues Band, 9pm; $10 / WED - Wild Wahine Wednesday w/ DJ Blast & Chilltown Productions, 10pm; $10

of mini parties), so extra-special deals, giveaways, refreshments and fun await. Here’s the shop-by-shop details: >>> Biasa Rose (104 Hana Hwy.; 5798602) raises money for Maui Humane Society. >>> By the Bay (90 Hana Hwy.; 579-9777) raises money for Maui Humane Society and features surfboard artist Roxanne Broadbent demonstrating her painting technique, plus a jewelry trunk show by Mario of Amat. >>> Charley’s Restaurant & Saloon (142 Hana Hwy.; 579-8085) features Nuff Sedd with Selctah Boomshot, presented by Q103 and Heineken. $10 cover. Advance tickets available at Charley’s or online at charleysmaui. com >>> Grace Beauty (62 Baldwin Ave.; 5799779) raises money for local girl Morgan Malkovich, who flew to Boston for surgery and has been in the ICU since August. Visit ourlifejurneys.wordpress.com for more information. >>> Hemp House (16 Baldwin Ave.; 5798880) raises money for Maui Food Bank. >>> Imrie (93 Hana Hwy.; 579-8303) raises money for Maui Humane Society. >>> Indigo (149 Hana Hwy.; 579-9199) raises money for the Pa’ia Youth & Cultural Center’s RadiOpio 89.9FM, and with every $20 purchase, shoppers will receive a ticket for a special prize drawing. >>> Lotus Heart II (Paia Courtyard Shops;575-5200) offers a 20 percent off to shoppers (who may also sample vegan ice cream) and will donate 10 percent of the night’s sales–plus a portion of December’s proceeds–to Women Helping Women of Maui. >>> Mahina (23 Baldwin Ave.; 579-9131) donates 20 percent of the day’s sales to Women Helping Women of Maui.

>>> Maui Hands (84 Hana Hwy.; 579-9245) holds a drawing for a metal honu by artist Scott Green (valued at $143), with donations benefitting the Paia Youth Center. Donation tickets are available for $5 ea. or five for $20. >>> North Shore Pilates (127 Hana Hwy.; 575-2673) raises money for Haiku’s Boys & Girls Club. >>> Nuage Bleu (76 Hana Hwy.; 579-9792) has been selling tickets since Dec. 1 for a drawing to win a giant mermaid doll (valued at $175). Proceeds benefit A Keiki’s Dream. >>> Oceania (120 Hana Hwy.; 579-6063) offers 25 percent off to shoppers all day, and will make a donation to the Pa’ia Youth & Cultural Center. Plus, from 6-9pm, enjoy champagne in celebration of their grand opening. >>> Paia Trading Company (106 Hana Hwy.; 579-9472) will donate a portion of proceeds to the Maui Shrine Club Transportation Fund, which helps pay for Maui keiki and their ‘ohana to travel to ‘Oahu for orthopedic or burn care. Plus, the Gingerbread Man makes an appearance! >>> Pakaloha Bikinis (151 Hana Hwy.; 579-8882) donates a portion of proceeds to the HASA sponsorship program. >>> Tamara Catz Boutique (83 Hana Hwy.; 579-9184) raises money for Alexander Academy. >>> Wine Corner (149 Hana Hwy.; 5798904) hosts a booth by the Paia Youth & Cultural Center (PYCC), which is raising money for the completion of their Stone Wave Skate Park Street Course by selling baked goods made at the PYCC Pa’ia Bay Cafe, hot chocolate and cider, a calendar of underwater photography

by Cindy Camphell and the PYCC-produced cookbook “Our Hanai Plate.” Plus a drawing

DECEMBER 22, 2011 21

WILD WAHINE WEDNESDAY

THE EVENING THAT EARNED CASANOVA’S THE AWARDS

CASANOVA’S FAMOUS LADIES NIGHT BACK TO THE FUTURE W/ DJ BLAST & CHILLTOWN MUSIC STARTS @ 10PM + $10 COVER

FRIDAY DECEMBER 23RD

“BEST LATE NIGHT IN MAUI” “BEST SINGLES SCENE IN MAUI”

SHOW STARTS AT 10PM $10 COVER

IT’S MAUI DEBUT OF

MAUI DRIVERS

WITH FELICITY RAUGUST + CHRIS LIMOS & BRIAN FUNAI ROCK AND COUNTRY + SOUL + R&B + FUNK

SATURDAY DECEMBER 24TH NAUGHTY OR NICE

DJ KURT & DJ TRVR

SHOW STARTS AT 10PM $5 COVER

HIP HOP + DUB STEP + ELECTRO BOOTY

SUNDAY DECEMBER 25TH

CASANOVA RESTAURANT IS OPEN FOR DINNER TUESDAYS IN DECEMBER

SHOW STARTS AT 9PM $10 COVER

WILLIE K WAREHOUSE BLUES BAND MAKE IT A MEMORABLE EVENING + DINE & DANCE AT CASANOVA FOR DINNER RESERVATIONS CALL 808.572.0220 LOG ON AT WWW.CASANOVAMAUI.COM

Christmas Day Menu Potato Salad of the House or

Homemade Asparagus Soup H Roast Beef and Yorkshire Pudding R or

Roast Pork and Stuffing or

Turkey with Sausage and Bacon Fruit Trifle or

Apple Crumble and Ice Cream am

$

18

All Dinners include: Roast Potato Mashed Potato Vegetables Gravy and Sauces 11am - 10pm

For reservations call 808-875-9669 Credit card required for parties over 6 22

DECEMBER 22, 2011

1945 S K

E LLAG I V A IHEI RD, KALAM i.com u

879-9944 lulusma

THURSDAY BARBARA & NETTO HOT & SPICY SALSA 8-11PM

$3 coronas, pacif icos $5 1800 shots & $5 patron shots 8PM-Close

FRIDAY ROB & RON 7:30-9:30 pm ISLAND DJ’S

10PM TILL CLOSe

SATURDAY KAWIKA ORTIZ 8-11pm ASTRO RAPH 10PM TILL CLOSe

SUNDAY

NFL FOOTBALL SPECIAL $3 STEINLAGER $2 BUD LIGHT DURING GAME

MONDAYS 8:30PM ALL AGES NO COVER

TUESDAYS 8:30PM ALL AGES NO COVER

WEDNESDAYS 8:30PM ALL AGES NO COVER

THURSDAYS 8:30PM ALL AGES NO COVER

FRIDAYS 8:30PM ALL AGES NO COVER

SATURDAYS 8:30PM ALL AGES NO COVER

BLUES SPIRIT OF MAUI

KENNY ROBERTS DAMON PARILLO & DANYEL ALANA

INDIO & AVI THE ELECTRIC SURFERS THE HOUSE SHAKERS

LATE NIGHT HAPPY HOUR EVERYDAY 8PM - CLOSE 900 FRONT ST. +1-808-667-7400

TheGRID

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

MONDAY-WEDNESDAY

12/22

12/23

12/24

12/25

12/26 - 12/28

FIND THE GRID ONLINE AT MAUITIME.COM/GRID OR TO HAVE YOUR BUSINESS ADDED TO OUR WEEKLY GRID SEND YOUR INFORMATION TO CALENDAR@MAUITIME.COM

JAVA JAZZ

Renee Alonzo 7pm - close; no cover

Guest Performer 7pm - close; no cover

Rick Glencross 7pm - close; no cover

Farzad & Mike Madden 7pm - close; no cover

MON - Farzad & Mike Madden / TUE - Jamie Gallo / WED - Guest Performer (all sets 7pm-close; no cover)

KAHALE’S

Bad Kitty, 7pm

Kenny Roberts, 7pm

Live Music, 7pm

Merry Christmas! opens at 12pm

MON - Kawika / TUE - Da Hawaiians / WED - Gina Martinelli (all sets 7pm)

1810 6:30-8:30pm; no cover

Willie K 9-11pm; $5

1810 8-10pm; no cover

Sam Ahia 6:30-8:30pm; no cover

MON through WED Sam Ahia, 6:30-8:30pm; no cover

Karaoke & Dancing w/ Auntie Toddy Lilikoi 9:30-close; no cover

Karaoke & Dancing w/ Auntie Toddy Lilikoi 9:30-close; no cover

Kawika Ortiz, 7-9:30pm / DJ Kamikaze, 10pm-close

MON - NFL / TUE Country Music & Dancing w/ Rick Scanlan, 7-11m / WED Sebrina Barron 7-9pm; Ladies’ Night w/ DJ La Rage, 10pm-close

3350 L. Honoapiilani Rd. - 667-0787

1913 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 875-7711

KIMO’S

845 Front St., Lahaina - 661-4811

KOBE STEAKHOUSE

136 Dickenson St., Lahaina - 667-5555

Fulton Tashombe & The Maui Jazz All-Stars, 7-10pm

LONGHI’S LAHAINA 888 Front St., Lahaina - 667-2288

Salsa Night w/ Netto & Barbara Peraza, 8-11pm / DJ Nexus 11pm-close

Requesola w/ Rob & Ron = R2, 6:30-9:30pm / DJ Nexus 10pm-close

Camp Savage 7:30-9:30pm / DJ AstroRaph, 10pm-close

Howard Ahia 6-8pm; no cover / Pool Tournament 7-10:30pm

Marvin Tevaga 6-9pm; no cover / Latin Night w/ DJ Danny 10pm-2am; $10

STATUS hosted by Philly Blunt & feat. All Access Ent.’s DJ Money Mike, 10pm; $10

MOANA BAKERY & CAFE 71 Baldwin Ave., Paia - 579-9999

Phil & Angie Benoit 6:30-8:30pm

Discconnection Christmas Party w/ DJ Marasco 9:30pm-1:30am

MERRIMAN’S

Ranga Pae, 6-9pm

Ranga Pae, 6-9pm

Ranga Pae, 6-9pm

Ranga Pae, 6-9pm

MON - The Benoits / TUE - David Choy / WED - Ranga Pae (all sets 6-9pm)

Willie K, 7-9pm

Danyel Alana 6:30-8:30pm; no cover

An Irish Christmas Eve w/ The Celtic Tigers 6:30-9:30pm

NBA in HD 9:30am-7pm

MON - Joyce & Gord w/ Jimmy C, 6-8:30pm / TUE - Brenton Keith & His Bag O’Tricks, 7-8pm / WED - Willie K, 7-9pm

DJ Twizzy 10pm; no cover

DJ Stylz 10pm; no cover

LULU’S KIHEI

1945 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 879-9944

LULU’S LAHAINA

Lahaina Cannery Mall - 661-0808

1 Bay Club Pl., Kapalua - 669-6400

MULLIGAN’S ON THE BLUE 100 Kaukahi St., Wailea - 874-1131

OCEANS BAR & GRILL 1819 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 891-2414

will be held ($5 ea. ticket) for a 42” bamboo longboard made by Aloha Skateboards, complete with carving trucks, risers, soft red urethane carving wheels. >>> Wings Hawaii (71 Baldwin Ave.; 5793110) donates a portion of proceeds to the Pa’ia Youth & Cultural Center. Plus, they host an experimental electronica performance by Flashdrive.

KAMA’AINA NIGHTS WITH AHUMANU This month, the QKC’s Kama’aina Nights series (which always includes great giveaways and in-store specials) features na wahine of Ahumanu, radio personality Liz “Kopa’a Tita” Morales, surfer/artist Joni DeMello, and Aunty Bessie DeMello (long-time Maui entertainer and Joni’s mom). Like what you hear? Their latest album, “No Ku’uipo” makes a beautiful holiday gift. Free. 6-8pm. Queen Kaahumanu Center (275 W. Kaahumanu Ave., Kahului); 877-3369; queenkaahumanucenter.com NAUGHTY OR NICE PARTY W/ DJ KOLLISION - Hey, Santa’s already made his list and checked it twice, right? So he probably won’t notice if you get a little naughty by partying it up with go go dancers at this sexy shindig. No cover. 10pm. Kahului Ale House (355 E. kamehameha Ave.); 877-9001; alehouse.net

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 24 AN IRISH CHRISTMAS EVE - See This Week’s Picks for more. Mulligan’s on the Blue (100 Kaukahi St., Wailea); 874-113; mulligansontheblue.com JINGLE JAM W/ DJ DECKA - Santa’s not the only one with a lot of work to do tonight–because you’ve got to get sweaty on the dance floor with DJ Decka, loosened up by holiday drinks specials. No cover. 10pm-close. Ambrosia Martini Lounge (1913 S. Kihei Rd.); 8911011; ambrosiamaui.com NAUGHTY OR NICE PARTY W/ DJ KURT &

DJ TRVR - If all you want for Christmas is hip hop, dub step, and electro booty, look no further than tonight’s party with DJs Kurt and Trvr. $5. 10pm. Casanova (1188 Makawao Ave.); 572-0220; casanovamaui.com

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 25 ORPHANS’ CHRISTMAS PARTY - See This Week’s Picks for more. 11am-10pm. Dog & Duck Irish Pub (1913 S. Kihei Rd.); 875-9669 NAUGHTY OR NICE PARTY W/ DJ CIA - See This Week’s Picks for more. No cover.

10pm-close. Ambrosia Martini Lounge (1913 S. Kihei Rd.); 891-1011; ambrosiamaui.com

MONDAY, DECEMBER 26 FIRSTLIGHT: ACADEMY SCREENINGS This week’s films screen Thu., Fri, Mon., Tue. and Wed. (with the last of the season’s screenings on Thu., Dec. 29 and Fri., Dec. 30). $12 single ticket / $40 FirstLight’s four-film VIP Fast Pass (i.e. $10 ea.) Castle Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mmarilauiarts.org / mauifilmfestival. com >>> Hugo (PG - 127 min.) - See our Film section on page 27 for movie synopsis.

(PS: Hey, did you know that it’s free for keiki to attend any FirstLight film rated G or PG? True story, yo!) 12pm. >>> Machine Gun Preacher (R; 127 min.)

- “A moving story of violence and redemption” (Relativity Media) based on the real life of Sam Childers (Gerard Butler), founder of the Angels of East Africa rescue organization and “former drug-dealing criminal who undergoes an astonishing transformation and finds an unexpected calling as the savior of hundreds of kidnapped and orphaned children.” 2pm. >>> Undefeated (NR; 115 min.) - A uplifting doco about an underdog football team and their coach, Bill Courtney. 5pm.

MON - All Access DJs, 10pm / TUE - “Lahaina Idol” Karaoke w/ Troy, 9pm12am / WED - Kenny Roberts, 5-8pm; AC/ DCember: Highway to Heal benefit, 9-11pm TUE - Open Mic Night 6:30pm-close

WED - DJ Peak, 10pm; no cover

>>> Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (PG 13; 115 min.) - Based on the acclaimed novel of the same name by artful American author Jonathan Safran Foer (not to be confused with the hot, Aussie documentary maker, of sorts, John Safran). Starring Tom Hanks, Sandra Bullock, Thomas Horn, Max von Sydow, Viola Davis, John Goodman, and Jeffrey Wright, this film “tells the story of one young boy’s journey from heartbreaking loss to the healing power of self-discovery, set against the backdrop of the tragicevents of September 11” (Warner Bros.). 7:30pm.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 27 FirstLight: Academy Screenings - This week’s films screen Thu., Fri, Mon., Tue. and Wed. (with the last of the season’s screenings on Thu., Dec. 29 and Fri., Dec. 30). $12 single ticket / $40 FirstLight’s four-film VIP Fast Pass (i.e. $10 ea.) Castle Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org / mauifilmfestival.com >>> Margin Call (R; 107 min.) - A financial collapse flick loosely based on the Lehman Brothers debacle, starring Kevin Spacey, Paul Bettany, Jeremy Irons, Zachary Quinto, Penn Badgley, Simon Baker, Mary McDonnell, Demi Moore and Stanley Tucci. 2pm. >>> Albert Nobbs (R; 113 min.) - If Glenn Close didn’t scar you for life with her “Big Chill” shower scene, she will in her startling roles as Albert Nobbs, a woman who for 30 years charades a man in order to survive as a servant in 19th century Ireland. Also starring Mia Wasikowska, Aaron Johnson, Brendan Gleeson, Janet McTeer, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Pauline Collins and Brenda Fricker. 5pm. >>> Butter (R; 90 min.) - Jennifer Garner, Hugh Jackman, Olvia Wilde and Ty Burrell star in a satirical mockumentary set at a championship butter carving competition in Iowa.

7:30pm.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 28 FirstLight: Academy Screenings - This week’s films screen Thu., Fri, Mon., Tue. and Wed. (with the last of the season’s screenings on Thu., Dec. 29 and Fri., Dec. 30). $12 single ticket / $40 FirstLight’s four-film VIP Fast Pass (i.e. $10 ea.) Castle Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org / mauifilmfestival.com >>> Warrior (PG 13; 139 min.) - The rock ‘em sock ‘em world of mixed martial arts gets its first big Hollywood movie with a flick that follows two estranged brothers–one a physics teacher, the other an Iraq War veteran–who are pitted against one another by their former drunk/boxer dad (Nick Nolte). 2pm. >>> The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo (R; 95 min.) - See our Film section on page 27 for movie synopsis. 5pm. >>> The Iron Lady (PG 13; TBD min.) - If you’re thinking “The Iron Lady” is to “Iron Man” as “Catwoman” is to “Batman,” you’ve got it wrong. Instead, Meryl Streep stars as Margaret Thatcher, the first and only wahine Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. 7:30pm.

CLINICAL SEXOLOGIST DR. SONIA BORG PRESENTS “THE BEST SEX OF YOUR LIFE” - See This Week’s Picks for more. By donation. 6:30-8pm. Soul Space Renewal Center (16. S. Market St., Wailuku); soulspacemaui.com

DINNER MUSIC WEST MAUI

DUKE’S BEACH HOUSE - Every Mon., Tue. & Wed., Brian 3-5pm; Wed., Alika & Ron 6-8:30pm; Thu., Damien 3-5pm; Thu., Garrett & Peter 6-8:30pm; Fri., Garrett 3-5pm; Every Fri. & Sat., Kulwewa 6-8:30pm; Every Sun. &

DECEMBER 22, 2011 23

INTERNET PRICES WITH LOCAL SERVICE

HOLIDAY 2011 SALE KORG SP-170S

DIGITAL PIANO (STAND SOLD SEPARATE)

Regular $60000

SALE $49900 FENDER

STARCASTER ELECTRIC Regular $19900

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BOUNTY UKULELE Regular $6999

SALE $39.99 SAVE $30

CB 5 PIECE

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w/ Cymbals & Throne

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SALE $49900 ALL: t ."35*/ "$0645*$ 453*/( 4&5 . â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;BUY ONE GET 2 FREEâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; t "-- */4536.&/5 .*$ 41&",&3 $"#-&4 â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;BUY ONE GET 1 FREEâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; t 6-53" #, (6*5"3 45"/% 50% OFF Regular $2795

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TAKAMINE JASMINE S35 SPRUCE-TOP GUITAR

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t "-- (6*5"34 20% - 40% OFF t */4536.&/5 ".14 20% - 40% OFF

PLUS MANY MORE IN STORE SPECIALS SHOP EARLY WHILE SUPPLIES LAST Guitar â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Ukulele â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Keyboard â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Drums â&#x20AC;&#x201C; LESSONS, REPAIRS, RENTALS Celebrating 32 yrs 1979-2011 Sale Ends 12-31-11 While supplies last!

(ANA (WY s +AHULUI s WWW UKES COM JGD9F< Q9E9@9 E9;CA= K@MJ= L9K;9E 9D=KAK <A?AL=;@ IK; B:D ;9KAG

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BOUNTY MUSIC

VOTED BEST HAPPY HOUR ON MAUI! 3 +)(%) 2$ s !- !- $!),9 s $)..%2 @4), 0-

THURS

C.22 DEC.

DJ TWIZZY 10PM

FRIDAY

DEC.23

DJ STYLZ 10PM

TUESDAY

DEC.27

ESDAY TACO TU 0PM 4-1

WEDNESDAY

DEC.28

TH IBIZA ON MAUI WI 1. t 7&3 DJ PEAK /0 $0 ER 10PM $3 ALL DRINKS AFT

TheGRID

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

MONDAY-WEDNESDAY

12/22

12/23

12/24

12/25

12/26 - 12/28

FIND THE GRID ONLINE AT MAUITIME.COM/GRID OR TO HAVE YOUR BUSINESS ADDED TO OUR WEEKLY GRID SEND YOUR INFORMATION TO CALENDAR@MAUITIME.COM

SANSEI - KAPALUA

Free Karaoke 10pm-1am; no cover

Free Karaoke 10pm-1am; no cover

Free Karaoke 10pm-1am; no cover

SANSEI - KIHEI

Free Karaoke 10pm-1am; no cover

Free Karaoke 10pm-1am; no cover

Free Karaoke 10pm-1am; no cover

SOUTH SHORE TIKI LOUNGE

DJ Slackin 10pm-close; no cover

DJ Gemini & DJ Ynot 10pm-close; no cover

DJ LX 10pm-close; no cover

SPORTS PAGE GRILL & BAR

Dan & Ann 7-10pm; no cover

The Hypnauticals 6:30-9:30pm; no cover

Kenny Roberts 9:30pm-12:30am; no cover

WED - Clay Mortensn, 6-9pm; no cover

Ladiesâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Night 7pm-close; no cover

Da Booze Braddahs 8-11pm; no cover

Free Pool Day

MON - Mahalo Monday Industry Night

Ah-Tim 4-6pm

Ahumanu 4-6pm

Karaoke w/ Pearl Rose 9:15pm-12am; no cover

Gene Argel & The House Shakers 9pm-1am; $4

Jordan 6-9pm

Dress Like A Pirate Night

Soul Commitment w/ Clay Mortensen 9pm; no cover

The Fun Lovinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Infidels 10pm; no cover

Karaoke

Karaoke

Karaoke

closed (Merry Christmas!)

MON through WED- Karaoke

House of Reggae w/ DJ Boomshot 9:45pm-2am; $10

We Love Timba Fridays 9:45pm-2am; $10

Spun Out w/ DJ Calcul8 9:45pm-2am; $10

Guest DJ 9:45-2am; $10

MON through WED Guest DJ, 9:45pm-2am; $10

NFL / Next Level Entertainment, 10pm

Live Music 10pm

Karaoke

Karaoke

MON - NFL / TUE - Thirsty Tuesdays / WED - Free Karaoke

115 Bay Dr., Lahaina - 669-6286

1881 S. Kihei Rd., Ste. KT116, Kihei - 879-0004

1913 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 874-6444

2411 S. Kihei Rd. #B4 - 879-0602

STEEL HORSE SALOON 1234 L. Main St., Wailuku - 243-2206

STELLA BLUES CAFE 1279 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 874-3779

STOPWATCH SPORTS BAR 1127 Makawao Ave., Makawao - 572-1380

R.S. SHARKYâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S

1913 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 874-6115

THREEâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S BAR & GRILL 1945 S Kihei Rd., Kihei - 879-3133

TIFFANYâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S

1424 L. Main St., Wailuku - 249-0052

TIMBA

505 Front St, Ste. 212, Lahaina - 661-9873

WATERCRESS

Waiehu Beach Center, Wailuku-243-9351

Sat., Tim 3-5pm; Sun., Tim & Miles 6-8:30pm; Tue., Alika & Edee 6-8:30pm; Tue., Tim & Edee 6-8:30pm; Fri., Henry Kapono 5-7pm. 130 Kai Malina Pkwy., Lahaina, 662-2900 HULA GRILL - Wed., Alika 1:30-3:30pm; Wed., Peter DeAquino 4-6pm; Every Tue. & Wed., Ernest Puaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;a & Fri.ends 6:30-9pm; Thu., Alika 11am-1pm; Thu., Ernest Puaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;a 1:303:30pm; Every Mon. & Thu., Armadillo 4-6pm; Thu., Kulwewa 6-9pm; Every Mon., Fri. & Sat., Kawika Lum Ho 1:30-3:30pm; Every Fri. & Sat., 1810 4-6pm; Fri., Kawika, Roy & Ivan 6:30-9pm; Sat., Wili Pohaku 6:30-9pm; Every Sun. & Tue., Kawika Lum Ho 11am-1pm; Sun., Ron & Ikaika 1:30-3:30pm; Sun., Derick Sebastian Trio 6-9pm; Mon., Derick Sebastian & Josh Kahula 6:30-9pm; Tue., Jarrett Roback 1:30-3:30pm; Tue., Damon & Danyel Alana 4-6pm; Every Mon., Wed. & Fri., Ernest Puaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;a 11am-1pm. Whalerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Village, 2435 Kaanapali Pwy., Bldg P, Lahaina, 667-6636 LEILANIâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S ON THE BEACH - Every Thu., Jarrett & Wilson; Every Fri., DJ & Fri.ends, Every Sat., JD & Harry; Sun., Merv Oana (all sets 3-5pm). Whalerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Village, 2435 Kaanapali Pkwy. Bldg. J, Kaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;anapali, 661-4495 LULUâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S LAHAINA SURF CLUB & GRILL - Every Thu., Howard Ahia 6-8pm; Fri., Marvin Tevaga 6-9pm; Every Tue., â&#x20AC;&#x153;Lahaina Idolâ&#x20AC;?

Karaoke w / Troy 9pm; Every Wed., Kenny Roberts 5-8pm. Lahaina Cannery Mall, 1221 Honoapiâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ilani Hwy. #A1, Lahaina, 661-0808 PIONEER INN GRILL & BAR - Thu., Greg di Piazza feat. Alana Cini 5:30-8:30pm; Tue., Ah-Tim Elenicki 5:30-8:30pm; Wed., JD on the Rocks 5-8pm. 658 Wharf St., Lahaina; 661-3636 R.B. BLACK ANGUS STEAKHOUSE - Every Sun., Live jazz. 4465 Honoapiâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ilani Hwy., Lahaina; 669-8889 SEA HOUSE RESTAURANT - Every Tue. & Fri., Kincaid Kupahu 7-9pm; Every Sun. & Thu., Andrew Kaina 7-9pm; Sat., Coehlo Mor-

rison 7-9pm; Every Mon. & Wed., Albert Kaina 7-9pm. 5900 Lower Honoapiâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ilani Hwy., Napili, 669-1500 VILLAGE CAFE & SWEET SHOPPE - Fri., Glenn Kakagawa and Sarah Cravalho 5:308:30pm. 2000 Village Rd., Lahaina, 665-1122

SOUTH MAUI AMBROSIA - Every Thu., Jamie Gallo 7pm; Every Tue., â&#x20AC;&#x153;Gleeâ&#x20AC;? on the big screen 7pm; Every Wed., Red Carpet Movie Night [December is Holiday Humor Month! This week: â&#x20AC;&#x153;A Christmas Storyâ&#x20AC;? (1983)] 7:30pm. 1913 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei, 891-1011 CAPISCHE? - Every Fri. & Sat., Mark Johnstone 7-10pm. 555 Kaukahi St., Kihei, 8792224 HAUIâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S LIFEâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S A BEACH - Thu., Junior Lacuesta 4-8pm; Fri., Tue. & Wed., Rick Glencross, 4-8pm; Sat., Ryan Robinson, 4-8pm.

1913 S. Kihei Rd., #E, Kihei, 874-1250 Kai Waiea - Thu., Mon. & Sun., Wolf; Fri., Ryan Robinson; Sat., Kanoa; Mon., Tom Conway; Wed., Francois (all sets 6-8:30pm). 3750 Wailea Alanui, Wailea, 875-1955 LULUâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S KIHEI - Every Thu., Netto & Barbara Peraza 8-11pm; Every Fri., Ron & Rob = R2 6:30-9:30pm; Every Sat., Camp Savage 7:309:30pm; Every Sun., Kawika Ortiz, 7-9:30pm; Every Tue., Ric Scanlan 7-11pm; Every Wed., Sebrina Barron, 7-9pm. 1945 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei; 879-9944 MONSOON INDIA - Every Sat., Romantic Violin & Guitar Duets by Cambria Moss & Ricardo Dioso 6:30-8:30pm; Mon., Louise Lambert 6-9pm; Every Tue., Hula Honeys 5:30-8:30pm.

760 S. Kihei Rd., 875-6666 MULLIGANâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S ON THE BLUE - Thu., Willie K 7-9pm; Fri., Danyel Alana 6:30-8pm; Sat., The Celtic Tigers w / special guest Kevin Oâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;Kennedy 6:30-9:30pm; Mon., Joyce & Gord w/ special guest Jimmy C 6-8:30pm; Tue., Brenton Keith

Kanoa 10pm-close; no cover

MON - DJ Slackinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; / TUE - DJ LX / WED Ladiesâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Night w/ The ADD Twins (all sets 10pm - close; no cover)

MON - Tom Cherry & Mike Finkewiecz, 4-6pm / Willie K 10pm-12am, $10 / TUE - Tom Conway, 4-6pm / WED - Randall Rospond, 4-6pm / SLAM feat. David Choy & Clay Mortensen, 7-10pm closed (Merry Christmas Eve!)

closed (Merry Christmas!) closed (Merry Christmas!)

MON - Dance Dance Extreme Competition, 7pm / TUE - Karaoke w/ DJ Jay / WED - Western Night & BBQ Championship WED - Blues Night w/ The House Shakers 7:30pm; no cover

& His Bag Oâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Tricks 7-8pm. Wed., Willie K, 7-9pm. 100 Kaukahi St., Wailea, 874-1131 SOUTH SHORE TIKI LOUNGE - Every Thu., Erin Smith; Every Fri., Randall Rospond (and this week is joined by special guest Rand Coon); Every Sat., Tom Conway; Every Sun., Viva La Rumba; Every Mon., Kanoa; Every Tue., Sebrina Barron; Every Wed., Mark Johnstone. (all sets 4-6pm.) Kihei Kalama Village, 1913 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei, 874-6444 STELLA BLUES CAFE - Every Thu., Ah-Tim 4-6pm; Every Fri., Ahumanu 4-6pm; Every Mon., Tom Cherry & Mike Finkeiwicz 4-6pm; Every Tue., Tom Conway 4-6pm; Every Wed., Randall Rospond 4-6pm / SLAM feat. David Choy and Clay Mortensen 7-10pm. 1279 South Kihei Rd., # 201, Kihei, 874-3779 THREEâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S BAR & GRILL - Every Sun., Gina Martinelli Band 7pm. Every Wed., Blues Night w / The House Shakers 7:30pm (all sets no cover). 1945 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei; 879-3133 TRADEWINDS POOLSIDE CAFE - Every Thu., Island Favorites with Kawika Lum Ho; Every Fri., Girls Night Out with Gina Martinelli; Every Sat., Classic Rock with Dominic; Every Sun., Rob & Ron = R2; Every Mon., Bobby Ingram & Friends; Every Tue., Mike and Mark; Every Wed., Steve Sargenti. (all sets 6-9pm.)

2259 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei, 891-8860

CENTRAL MAUI ALE HOUSE - Every Fri., Braddah Francis 4-8pm; Every Mon., Open Mic Jam Sesh w / host Teri Garrison 8pm; Every Tue., Clay Mortensen 5-9pm; Every Wed., Teri Garrison 5-8pm / free karaoke w / host Braddah Francis 8pm. (All sets no cover.) 355 E. Kamehameha Ave., Kahului, 877-9001 CARY & EDDIEâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S HIDEAWAY - Every Thu.Sun. & Tue., piano w / Francois 6pm-close. Every Sun., guitar with Fausto 9am-1pm. 500 N. Puunene Ave., Kahului; 873-6555

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FILM

Hawaii Through George Clooney’s Eyes The Descendants is no ka oi

BY BARRY WURST II

The Descendants

★★★★★ Rated R/115 Min

W

hen we first meet Matt King (George Clooney), he’s just learned his wife suffered a water skiing accident and is in a coma. He must take care of their two daughters, a job in which his wife always excelled but, he quickly learns, he has little skill at. Then there’s the issue of Matt’s heritage, which goes back to Hawaiian royalty: he lives on Oahu but owns 35,000 acres of land on Kauai. Considering the value of the land, he’s at a crossroads on whether to sell the gorgeous property or to keep it, as he is a descendant of Hawaiians who knew the true value of family and their homeland.

Every couple of years, it seems that Hollywood inches closer to making a movie about modern day Hawaii and they’ve finally nailed it. I would have liked more time to focus on the locals and more talkin’ da kine in the dialogue but this is as perfect a movie you’d hope for about Hawaii today. Whether you live in Kahului or St. Louis, this movie will put you in a

dreamy, giddy state. On top of the breathtaking cinematography, it has an all-ukulele and slack key guitar score from start to finish that is equally gorgeous.

The story is both really sad and tremendously funny; like Paul Theroux’s novel Hotel Honolulu, this is Hawaii through the eyes of a haole who grows to understand and appreciate the history and treasure that is his home and family. Director Alexander Payne made the terrific Election and About Schmidt but this is his finest film, a dark comedy that shapes a wonderful story, creates characters both colorful and entirely believable and sets it in Hawaii in a way we haven’t seen before.

Never condescending to locals or dumbed down for mainlanders, this will be a breath of fresh air for both audiences.

Clooney hasn’t been this soulful since his under-looked turn in Solaris and he has a great monologue about how he’s “haole as shit” that made me want to applaud (though it’s just one of the great scenes here). Surf legend Laird Hamilton has a solid cameo in a character role (brah, you surf real good, but you really can act! Don’t quit your day job, but think about doing more movies!).

Robert Forster is quietly powerful as Clooney’s disproving father-in-law, Matthew Lil-

Someday, this will all be yours. NOT!

lard, who plays a key role and has never been this good before. Judy Greer may finally win a best supporting actress award for her work here. Greer makes recognizably human a role that could have been an overbearing or foolishly clueless housewife.

Perhaps the conclusions the story comes to are a little too good to be true? Maybe it’s just that the screenplay never takes a wrong turn. The plot twists are deeply satisfying and truly surprising in ways that are optimistic, especially for a film about a man whose wife is in a coma.

Unfortunately, while the story takes place on The Big Island, Kauai and Oahu, there are no scenes set on Maui. Still, Maui audiences will have a unique perspective on this, a film that moved me with its compassion and visual splendor.

This is a comedy with heart that truly loves its characters, even when they don’t love themselves. Needless to say, this is one of the absolute best films of the year. ■ To share or save this article, type: mt.hy.pr/1527f

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FRONT STREET THEATER 900 Front Street, Lahaina, 249-2222 (Matinees) The Adventures of Tintin (2D) - PG - THU (4:15), 7:05, 9:40. FRI (1:30, 4:15), 7:05, 9:40.

SAT (1:30), 4:15, 7:05. SUN (1:30), 4:15, 7:05, 9:40. MOn -WED (1:30, 4:15), 7:05, 9:40.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo - R - THU (3:15), 6:45, 10:15. FRI (11:45, 3:15), 6:45, 10:15. SAT (11:45), 3:15, 6:45. SUN (11:45), 3:15, 6:45, 10:15. MOn -WED (11:45, 3:15), 6:45, 10:15.

Mission: Impossible-Ghost Protocol - PG 13 - THU (3:45), 6:45, 9:45. FRI (12:45, 3:5), 6:45, 9:45. SAT (12:45), 3:45, 6:45. SUN (12:45), 3:45, 6:45, 9:45. MOn -WED (12:45, 3:45), 6:45, 9:45.

The Muppets - PG - THU (4:00), 7:00, 9:30.

We Bought A Zoo - PG - FRI (1:15, 4:00), 7:00, 9:50. SAT (1:15), 4:00, 7:00. SUN (1:15), 4:00, 7:00, 9:50. MOn -WED (1:15, 4:00), 7:00, 9:50.

MAUI MALL MEGAPLEX Maui Mall, 249-2222 (Matinees) The Adventures of Tintin (2D) - PG - THU-FRI (1:05, 5:00). FRI (1:05, 5:00). SAT-SUN (1:05), 5:00. MOn -WED (1:05, 5:00).

The Adventures of Tintin (3D) - PG - THUFRI (11:40, 2:00, 4:30), 7:00, 9:30. FRI (11:40, 2:00, 4:30), 7:00, 9:30. SAT (11:40, 2:00), 4:30, 7:00. SUN (11:40, 2:00), 4:30, 7:00, 9:30. MOn -WED (11:40, 2:00, 4:30), 7:00, 9:30.

Arthur Christmas (2D) - PG - THU (11:55, 2:20, 4:45), 7:10, 9:20. FRI-WED (11:55, 2:20).

The Darkest Hour (2D) - PG 13 - SUN 5:05.

MOn -WED (5:05).

The Darkest Hour (3D) - PG 13 - SUn -WED (12:35, 2:50), 7:25, 9:40.

The Descendants - R - THU (1:25, 4:05), 6:45, 9:25. FRI (1:20, 4:05), 6:45, 9:25. SAT (1:20), 4:05, 6:45. SUN (1:20), 4:05, 6:45, 9:25. MOn -WED (1:20, 4:05), 6:45, 9:25.

Hugo (2D) - PG - THU (4:10). FRI-WED (1:10).

Hugo (3D) - PG - THU (1:10), 6:50, 9:40.

Immortals (2D) - R - THU (11:45, 2:10, 4:40), 7:20, 9:50. FRI (11:45, 2:10, 4:40), 7:10, 9:50.

NEW THIS WEEK THE ADVENTURES OF TINTIN - PG - Animation - Directed by Steven Spielberg (his first-ever animated film), this flick follows a young journalist, Tintin, and his dog Snowy. Based on Les Aventures de Tintin, a comic series by Belgian artist Georges Remi (a.k.a. Herge), the books have sold over 200 million copies in 50 languages. 107 min.

THE DARKEST HOUR - PG 13 - Thriller - Who cares about Vladimir Putin? Aliens are attacking Russia! 89 min.

MY WEEK WITH MARILYN - R - Drama - Colin Clark (Eddie Redmayne) kept a journal while gophering on the set of The Prince and the Showgirl (a film which famously paired Sir Laurence Oliver and Marilyn Monroe), and during that time, he spent an idyllic week with Monroe (hence the title). He went on to become a famous filmmaker, his journal was later published as a book, and his accounts of his week with Marilyn were made into this movie. Rough life, huh? 96 min.

WAR HORSE - PG 13 - Drama - Based on the 1982 children’s book by British author Michael Morpurgo, set during World War I. Directed by Steven Spielberg. 146 min.

WE BOUGHT A ZOO - PG - Family - Because the world isn’t ready for We Bought A Poo. Starring Matt Damon and Scarlet Johansson. 123 min.

NOW SHOWING ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: CHIPWRECKED - PG - Animated - Squirrelkabobs!

The Chipmunks and Chimpettes get stranded on a deserted topical island–and soon find it isn’t deserted at all (big surprise). I wonder if the natives

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WHERE AND WHEN TO WATCH WHAT

SAT (11:45, 2:10), 4:40, 7:10.

The Muppets - PG - THU (11:35, 1:50, 4:15), 6:35, 9:15. THU (3:40), 6:25, 9:05. FRI (11:35, 1:50, 4:10), 6:35, 9:00. SAT (11:35, 1:50), 4:10, 6:35.

My Week with Marilyn - R - FRI (12:05, 2:30, 4:55), 7:20, 9:45. SAT (12:05, 2:30), 4:55, 7:20.

SUN (12:05, 2:25), 4:55, 7:20, 9:45. MOn -WED (12:05, 2:25, 4:55), 7:20, 9:45.

New Year’s Eve- PG 13 - THU (1:15, 3:55), 6:40, 9:45. FRI (3:55), 6:40, 9:15. SAT 3:55, 6:40. SUN 3:55, 6:40, 9:15. MOn -WED (3:55), 6:40, 9:15.

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows - PG 13 - THU (11:30, 1:00, 2:15, 4:00), 6:55, 7:30, 10:00. FRI (1:00, 4:00), 6:55, 7:30, 10:00. SAT (1:00), 4:00, 6:55, 7:30. SUN (1:00), 4:00, 6:55, 7:30, 10:00. MOn -WED (1:00, 4:00), 6:55, 7:30, 10:00.

The Sitter - R - THU (12:35, 2:40, 4:50), 7:05, 9:10. FRI (3:45), 9:05. SAT 3:45. SUN 3:45, 9:05. MOn -WED (3:45), 9:05.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 1 PG 13 - THU (3:40), 6:25, 9:05. FRI-WED 6:25.

War Horse - PG - SUN (11:30, 2:30, 3:20), 5:30, 8:30, 9:20. MOn -WED (11:30, 2:30, 3:20, 5:30), 8:30, 9:20.

We Bought A Zoo - PG - FRI (12:50, 1:25, 3:40, 4:15), 6:30, 7:05, 9:20, 9:55. SAT (12:50, 1:25), 3:40, 4:15, 6:30, 7:05. SUN (12:30, 1:25), 4:15, 6:30, 7:05, 9:55. MOn -WED (12:30, 1:25, 4:15), 6:30, 7:05, 9:55.

Young Adult- R - THU (12:15, 2:35, 4:55), 7:15, 9:35. FRI (12:15, 2:35, 4:50), 7:15, 9:35. SAT (12:15, 2:35), 4:50, 7:15. SUN (12:15, 2:35), 4:50, 7:10, 9:35. MOn -WED (12:15, 2:35, 4:50), 7:10, 9:35.

KUKUI MALL 1819 South Kihei Road, 1-800-326-3264 (Matinees: every day until 4pm) Arthur Christmas (2D) - PG - THU 1:15, 3:45, 6:15, 8:40. FRI-SAT 11:10, 1:30, 3:50, 6:15, 8:20, 10:35. SUN 11:10, 1:30, 3:50, 6:15, 8:20.

MON-WED 1:30, 3:50, 6:15, 8:20.

Happy Feet Two (2D) - PG - THU 1:30, 3:50,

6:05, 8:20.

The Muppets - PG - THU 1:00, 3:40, 6:10, 8:45.

New Year’s Eve - PG 13 - FRI-SAT 11:00, 1:45, 4:30, 7:00, 9:30. SUN 11:00, 1:45, 4:30, 7:00.

MON-WED 1:00, 3:35, 6:05, 8:35.

The Sitter- R - FRI-SAT 11:30, 1:40, 3:45, 5:55, 8:00, 10:00. SUN 11:30, 1:40, 3:45, 5:55, 8:00.

MON-WED 1:40, 3:45, 5:55, 8:00.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 1 PG 13 - THU 1:05, 3:30, 6:00, 8:30. FRI-SAT 12:00, 2:30, 5:15, 7:50, 10:30. SUN 12:00, 2:30, 5:15, 7:50. MON-WED 1:00, 3:30, 6:00, 8:30.

658 Front Street, 249-2222 (Matinees) Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chip-Wrecked - PG - THU-FRI (2:00, 4:30), 7:15, 9:30. SAT (2:00), 4:30, 7:15. SUN (1:20), 4:10, 7:05, 9:30.

MOn -WED (1:20, 4:10), 7:05, 9:30.

The Darkest Hour (2D) - PG 13 - SUN (2:00), 4:30, 7:15, 9:40. MOn -WED (2:00, 4:30), 7:15, 9:40.

New Year’s Eve - PG 13 - THU-FRI (1:20, 4:10), 7:05, 9:50. SAT (1:20), 4:10, 7:05.

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows PG 13 - THU-FRI (1:00, 4:00), 7:00, 10:00.

SAT (1:00), 4:00, 7:00. SUN (1:00), 4:00, 7:00, 10:00. MOn -WED (1:00, 4:00), 7:00, 10:00.2:35), 4:50, 7:15. SUN (12:15, 2:35), 4:50, 7:10, 9:35. MOn -WED (12:15, 2:35, 4:50), 7:10, 9:35.

THE MUPPETS - PG - Family - The Muppets’ super fans help Kermit the Frog reunite the gang.

Directed by James Bobin (co-creator of The Flight of the Concords). 110 min.

HUGO - PG - Fantasy - Directed by some guy named Martin Scorsese, this already critically acclaimed film’s based on American author Brian Selznick’s gorgeous, Caldecott-winning book, The Invention of Hugo Cabret. Starring Ben Kingsley, Sacha Baron Cohen and Jude Law. 127 min.

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE - GHOST PROTOCOL - PG 13 - Action - The real impossible mission lies in whether this movie can resurrect Tom Cruise from the Hollywood whack list. (No, Tom. You are not a “thetan” trapped in a “meat body.”

You’re a goddamned movie star and we miss you.

Well, kind of.) If you miss Maverick, too, blame L.

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ARTHUR CHRISTMAS - PG - Animation - Turns out, Santa’s round-the-world-in-a-night secret is that he’s a tech junkie. But old school Grandsanta (you know, Santa’s dad) says he’s just a glorified mailman with technological luxury. Meanwhile, Santa’s oldest son Steve is eager to be the next Santa, urging current Santa’s burgeoning identity crisis. Amidst all this hubbub, Santa’s youngest (and most annoying) son, Arthur, saves the day–because somebody’s got to. And you thought your family got tense ‘round Christmastime. 97 min.

THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO - R - Thriller - Based on the novel by Swedish journalist Stieg Larsson, who died just befor his books became famous. Trivia: the book’s original title in Swedish is “Män som hatar kvinnor,” which translates to “Men Who Hate Women.” 95 min.

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Queen Ka’ahumanu Shopping Center, 1-800-326-3264 (Matinees: every day until 4pm) Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chip-Wrecked - PG - THU-WED 10:30, 11:40, 12:35, 1:45, 2:40, 3:50, 4:45, 6:00, 7:10, 8:00, 9:20, 10:10.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo - R - THUWED 11:30, 12:30, 2:45, 3:5, 6:00, 7:00, 9:15, 10:15.

Mission: Impossible-Ghost Protocol - PG 13 - THU-WED 10:20, 11:00, 1:15, 2:00, 4:10, 4:50, 7:00, 7:45, 10:00, 10:40.

Ron Hubbard. 132 min.

IMMORTALS - R - Action - A slew of uber-hotties battle for humanity in a flick loosely based on the Greek myths of Theseus, Minotaur and Titanomachy. Brought to you by the director of The Cell and The Fall (Tarsem Sighn), plus the producers of 300 (Mark Canton, Gianni Nunnari and Ryan Kavanaugh). 110 min.

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NEW YEAR’S EVE - PG 13 - Romantic Comedy - Look, I don’t mean to be so bah-humbug, but ensemble casts make it really hard to suspend disbelief. Add to that this flick’s a feel-good holiday hurl-fest, and it’s doubly doomed in my book.

Directed by Garry Marshall (who’s really exercising originality, given his other major credit is Valentine’s Day). Starring Halle Berry, Jessica Biel, Jon Bon Jovi, Robert De Niro, friend of the paper Zac Effron, Katherine Heigl, Ashton Kutcher, Seth Meyers, Alyssa Milano, Sienna Miller, Sarah Jessica Parker, Michelle Pfeiffer, Ryan Seacrest–can I please just stop here? 118 min.

SHERLOCK HOLMES: A GAME OF SHADOWS - PG 13 - Action - Sherlock (Robert Downey Jr.) and Watson (Jude Law) are back for more action and elementary investigation. 129 min.

THE SITTER - R - Comedy - Jonah Hill takes up baby sitting after he’s canned from college. Hilarity presumably ensues. 81 min.

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN: PART 1 - PG 13 - Fantasy - Vampires suck. 132 min.

YOUNG ADULT - R - Drama/Comedy - Charlize Theron stars as a teen lit writer who, after her divorce, returns home to relive her glory days. Also starring Patton Oswalt. Screenplay by Diablo Cody. 94 min. ■

DECEMBER 22, 2011 27

THE A-TRAIN FRIDAYS 3-9PM K-ROCK 97.3

FRIDAY AFTERNOON IS THE MOST POSITIVE, HOPE FILLED PORTION OF THE WEEK. SO HANG OUT WITH JOHNNY A AND SOAK UP THE GREAT VIBES, THE LAUGHTER, THE FREE STUFF, AND (OF COURSE) THE GREATEST ROCK AND ROLL EVER CREATED.

KULA KID

Of Plums and Prunes

BY ANU YAGI The children were nestled all snug in their beds / While visions of sugarplums danced in their heads -Major Henry Livingston, Jr.’s “Night Before Christmas”

K

anashibari” is the Japanese word for the “choking spirit known for sitting on the chests of half-asleep people and suffocating them... [that] in recent years has been closely associated with the medical condition called sleep paralysis,” writes Alex G. Paman in Asian Supernatural Including Hawai’i and the Pacific.

When I was a little girl, this cold, fickle demon visited all too often and I’d lay immovably, lips and lids agape, screaming without sound at the ceiling. When I did manage to move and muster a yelp, mom would come running down the stairs to help. She’d coo and stroke my forehead and tell me to focus on sugar plum fairies–which was ironic because the recurring nightmare of my youth was of The Prune Monster.

Oh, The Prune Monster. That loathsome beast. Muscle memory has it so that, to this day, I still bound my parents’ back porch steps two at a time, so as not to give him a chance to grab at my ankles. It’s dumb, I know.

But I haven’t dreamt of The Prune Monster in more than 20 years–until, that is, last night.

(But before I embark on this week’s ramble, I’d just like to note for my fellow wordies that the only time that the letters “m” and “t” are found in succession in the English language is with the word “dreamt.” Scrabblephiles might find that tidbit handy if ever consonant laden, or for the occasion when writing “dreamed” seems less poetic. OK. Back to The Prune Monster.)

So I dreamt that I was standing outside McDonald’s, eating a Quarter Pounder (which I suppose is a nightmare in and of itself) and all these big, sticky fledglings are falling out of a huge ulu tree. Their malformed down is dripping with Freedom Fry grease and the less fortunate of the fallen have splat their skulls on the pavement. But one enterprising bird has somehow landed on an abandoned skateboard, quickly discovering that if he flaps his ash black wings and squawks enough, he can propel himself on polyurethane wheels, much to the drive-thru’s delight. It’s at this point that I’m hit by a truck.

The old woman who just ran me over jumps out of her lifted Ram and starts accusing me of being a hooker; that Wailuku’s no place for that kind of business, old as it may be.

“Look, lady, I’m not a hooker. I’m worse: a writer. And that’s worse because we’re paid less and bend over more,” I say, holding her out at arms’ length to stop her from poking my cheekbones with her ruby ringed fingers.

“No lie, eh! I know what you are! See, I’ll

prove it,” and with that she walks to McDonald’s back door, opens it, and shouts inside: “Anyone who eats a Quarter Pounder is a whore!”

Touche. She walks back to me looking smug, and suddenly we’re best friends sitting at a Vineyard Street bar that, unfortunately, does not exist outside of my dreams. There’s a back room filled with poker tables and pinball machines, a whole corridor dedicated to darts and the free bar snacks consist of lembas bread and soft French cheeses.

Dozens of empty sake bottles start accumulating on the table and as we knock ‘em back, vivid daytime colors dim to night shades of jade and amber. It’s then that another aged lady, frocked in an old and ostentatious mu’u mu’u, walks through the door and spots my drinking pal. She charges, lunging across the table and scattering sake bottles as far as Hana. I leap to defend. Hell, I’ve always, um, dreamed of breaking up a bar fight!

“How dare you!” yells my new friend (who I’ve quickly forgiven for fracturing my clavicle).

Confused, I realize she’s yelling at me. “You should have let her hit me. I’m a bad person and have deserved it for too long.” She walks out of the bar and climbs into her Ram to sulk with self pity while I’m left to console her weeping attacker.

“You must know why I had to do that,” says the woman, snot dripping into bosom. And in the way that dreams build a back story into your brain, I did–but it’s a tale too sad for telling.

“I gotta get out of here, man,” I tell the bartender, and he laboriously writes out my tab, bottle by bottle, on a tri-page carbon receipt book.

As I try to walk home, a precocious transvestite grabs my arm and unloads her life story. “Just great,” I say aloud, worrying what the neighbors will think. She peels back her wig to reveal she’s really a pretty girl, dressed as an ugly boy who’s dressed as an even uglier woman. But she’s kind, albeit confounding, and I’m rather enjoying our conversation until, mid-sentence, The Prune Monster crawls out of her throat.

Milky eyes bulging from oil slick skin, he falls to the sidewalk with a quick, sick plop.

“Prunes! Give me prunes!” That’s all he yells. That’s all he’s ever yelled.

His tentacled fingers reach for my ankle, but for the first time in a lifetime of encounters, I do not run though I want to. It isn’t easy.

Instead, I reach back and my fingers find his throat. I choke and choke and choke until he’s limp and his evil eyes disappear in an orange vapor.

I light a cigarette, then his corpse, and go home. ■

To read more Kula Kid with links and photos and stuff, and to leave comments, visit mauifeed.com/kulakid

anu@mauitime.com

28

DECEMBER 22, 2011

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HOROSCOPE

Sign Language

BY CAERIEL CRESTIN CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN. 19)

Sometimes what’s “right” changes, based on context and evolving circumstances. But often it’s just as right now as it was then—only now you have the power, courage, and tools to actually do something about it. And so you should. Not repeating the mistakes you made (or would have made) back then is important, so this time, approach the situation with all your wisdom and experience informing the choices you make and actions you take. If you enter the situation with all your hardwon patience, humor, and grace, I think you’ll be pleased by how well it goes—certainly a hell of a lot better than it would have played out even a few years ago.

QUIZunderstood ANSWERS ...to questions on page 6

CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22)

Deceitful people may deserve to be deceived in turn, but that doesn’t mean you should become the deceiver. You’re better than that, or should be. Absolutely abstain from giving them any more of your time and energy, of course, but other than that, just be content with simply forgetting what’s happened and moving on in a positive way. Let them get their well-deserved comeuppances elsewhere. Karma’s a bitch; it’ll bite them eventually. Trust in that while you hold yourself in check; better yet, just distract yourself so thoroughly that you don’t have a thought to spare for that lousy chapter.

1: A–Because the remaining members of OHA couldn’t make up their minds on who should fill Mossman’s seat.

2: D–It names Front Street as one of the “Great Streets in America.”

3: B–Drinking alcohol.

LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22) AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18)

If you hang out with someone long enough, you’re bound to get bored by or annoyed at something, eventually. Of course, experience should tell you that although the grass on the other side of the fence sure looks greener, it won’t seem so green close up, so ditching what you’ve got over here to hop the fence and check it out will only be trading in one set of annoyances for another. Over here may not be “as good as it gets,” but it’s surely “as good as it’s likely to get,” so learning to truly appreciate that is definitely in your best interest. If you really can’t, move on. You’ll appreciate it once you’ve been away awhile—of course, by then it’ll be too late.

PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20)

Going above and beyond the call of duty for the sake of the peace (or someone’s ego) is all well and good, but you should only go so far past that line. An extra hour out of your day isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things, if that’s what it takes, but at some point, you need to draw a line and stick to it, lest you venture into truly crazy or ridiculous territory. Of course you want to be generous and accommodating, but silly, desperate, or insane are much less flattering labels—avoid them.

ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19)

People do cruel things to avoid confrontation. Voicemail breakups, phone text confessions, bathroom window date escapes—all seem easier than actually just saying what must be said, face to face. That kind of cowardice isn’t in your nature, though—one of the reasons people love and trust you. Don’t take the easy way out of this situation, either, even if following the more ethical and conscientious path is more stressful and upsetting. It’s still the right thing to do—and you wouldn’t be the amazing person you are if you didn’t at least try to do it.

TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20)

Most mothers wean their children off breast milk at a reasonably early age, but the kids don’t seem to mind, as their palate has suddenly expanded to include tons of other interesting flavors. Although it’s more difficult to wean yourself from the thing you’ve become accustomed to—mostly because you don’t have a mother more or less giving you no choice—you still should, because like that child’s, your world will suddenly grow much bigger, more varied, and interesting once you do. It’ll be hard, without outside intervention, to gradually diminish your habits—so for you I’m afraid the best bet is stubbornly going cold turkey. Start now.

GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20)

For someone with such a clever tongue, tact is not always your forte. While your Libra cousins will take such great pains to not offend that they’ll sometimes almost say nothing at all, you occasionally blurt out truths that just piss people off. I would hate it if you bit your tongue—this stuff has to be said, after all.

But employing a little diplomacy would definitely be in your best interest. Don’t even contemplate censoring yourself. But absolutely consider editing yourself, so that what you have to say gets said in the best (kindest and most effective) way.

You like to get your way. Of course, growing up we learn that we can’t always have our own way, and you’ve had your share of those lessons. They haven’t always stuck, though, and every once in a while you stubbornly insist on making things go your way. Your loving friends often humor you so you don’t even necessarily notice how much others accommodate you. If people dig in their heels this week, though, consider backing off for once and doing things someone else wants (without being pouty or resentful), expressing the easy good-humored grace you’ve often enjoyed from others.

VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEPT. 22)

If you discover a secret without being particularly nosy, you have to consider the possibility that someone wanted it to be exposed. Obviously, if you crossed generally established lines of privacy to gain access to this knowledge, you’re probably at fault, but otherwise this information is yours to do with as you will. That includes acting on it, keeping the secret, or using it to further your own agenda. However, when trying to decide what to do with this newfound information, try to consider the path that will, ultimately, do the most good. If you can walk that, it’d be a very kind gift indeed—and the holidays are upon us.

LIBRA (SEPT. 23-OCT. 22)

Holidays are a time when people frequently disrespect or simply ignore others’ boundaries (often with the best of intentions).

For you Libras, who loathe loaded confrontations, this can be a very trying time, because sometimes it seems like the only way to put these people back in their place is by blowing up at them. There are other ways, however, and this week you must strive to find them, for the sake of general harmony and your own peace of mind. Aim for a laugh from the guilty party—if you can’t achieve that, go for minimum potential humiliation.

SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21)

Misleading by omission is a classic sneaky strategy people frequently employ when they want to get you to do something you’d surely refuse if you knew all the details. Luckily, your tingly Scorpio Senses should be quite attuned to this kind of thing right now, so don’t ignore them when they go off. There’s no need to be overly suspicious or guarded; there’s a way to discover more without putting up walls or pointing fingers. Just sweetly ask questions to get to the bottom of things and figure out what the deal really is, before you agree to anything.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 21)

Being so good-natured, you’re often completely willing to ignore (and probably privately have a chuckle over) others’ faux pas or social shortcomings, and simply enjoy their other, better qualities. Some of your more nitpicky friends or family, though, might have a harder time wrapping their heads around this stuff. Be the diplomat this week. You may not be as ideally suited for it as those savvy Libras or friendly Aquarians, but you certainly have the tools you need—humor, fairness, and a discerning mind. That may not be true of anyone else present, so it’s up to you—use the tools you’ve got to make things okay.

sign.language.astrology@gmail.com

DECEMBER 22, 2011 29

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