15.21 In The Navy, November 10, 2011, Volume 15, Issue 21, MauiTime

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NOVEMBER 10, 2011

Contents VOLUME 15

✚

ISSUE 21

READER FEEDBACK

BY READERS LIKE YOU HATES SELL-OUTS

THIS WEEK’S QUESTION: Which member of the Village People would you be?

Editor: Anthony Pignataro (808) 283-1308 / anthony@mauitime.com @apignataro on Twitter Sailor Associate Editor: Anu Yagi (808) 264-8039 / calendar@mauitime.com @anuheayagi on Twitter The Indigenousish Bloke or whatever Proofreader: Dina Wilson Cowboy Contributors: Jason Castle, Caeriel Crestin, Mick E. Finn, Lantana Hoke, Jory John, Avery Monsen, Ron Pitts, Chuck Shepherd, Sara Tekula, Ynez Tongson, Barry Wurst II Intern: Natasha-Lyn P. Mendoza Photographer: Sean Michael Hower mauiweddingmedias.com / howerphotography.com Art Director & Production Manager: Scrappers scrapperstown.com Sorry, I’m too young to know what you’re talking about.

Graphic Designers: Amy Mendolia, Christina Tarleton Advertising Executive: Brad Chambers (808) 283-3260 / brad@mauitime.com Human Centipede General Manager: Jennifer Russo (808) 280-3286 / jen@mauitime.com @jenrusso on Twitter Tequila Admin. Executives: Keo Eaton (Police officer), Kellie R. Holliday (Native American) (808) 244-0777 Admin. Assistant: Jennifer Brown Web Design: Linear Publishing Publisher: Tommy Russo (808) 283-0512 / tommy@mauitime.com @tommyrusso on Twitter Police Officer

COVER: Photo by Sean Michael Hower howerphoto.com Doodles by Scrappers scrapperstown.com

5 NEWS & VIEWS FEATURE STORY 12 DINING 14 THIS WEEK’S PICKS 17 20 DA KINE CALENDAR THE GRID 21 FILM CRITIQUE 26 FILM TIMES 27 KULA KID 28 HOROSCOPE 29 CLASSIFIED 30 31 MIND, BODY & SPIRIT

Wow–Maui gets another Foodland, another Longs Drugs, another McDonalds (Coconut Wireless, Nov. 3, 2011)? For sure that makes Maui extra special. A boost in tourism will surely follow–I can hardly wait to see another shopping center with vacant stores like the Maui Mall and The Shops at Wailea. It’s the epitome of the corporate sell-out of Maui.

-Silk Angel Maui, via Mauifeed.com

HATES LOSING SWINGING BRIDGES Excellent article, Anu (“Requiem for a Stream,” Sept. 22, 2011). I, too, lament that we have lost access to this favorite place! My youngest daughter, the brave one who actually jumps, is heartbroken. Shame to Wailuku Water Co. For shame! And for those would be lawsuits, whatever happened to days of selfresponsibility?

MauiTime 33 N. Market St., Ste. 201, Wailuku, HI 96793 office (808) 244-0777 • fax (808) 244-0446 www.mauitime.com @mauitime on Twitter Deadlines: Display Advertising: Friday Noon Classified: Monday 4pm Calendar: Monday Noon Circulation: 18,000 copies of MauiTime

-Michael Albert Greene, via Mauitime.com

-Terez Lindsey, via Mauifeed.com

HATES BRUTAL COPS Cops who are abusing the public should, if they do not lose their job, be obligated to pay damage compensation, or fine compensation equivalent or greater than

MauiTime is published every Thursday by MauiTime Productions, Inc. Its contents are Copyright © 2011 by MauiTime Productions, Inc. All rights reserved. Subscriptions are available at $70 per year.

Reproduction or use without permission is strictly prohibited. MauiTime may be distributed only by MauiTime’s authorized independent contractor. MauiTime is valued at $.50 per copy and permits one complimentary copy per person. No person may, without written permission of MauiTime, take more than one copy of each weekly issue. All opinions expressed throughout MauiTime are those of the authors and not necessarily the same opinions as MauiTime Productions, Inc. and MauiTime.

the amount of money that went into training their asses to protect and serve the public, and to understand the laws that they so blatantly broke (“Mauitime Publisher Tommy Russo Assaulted by MPD,” April 14, 2011). And as one of the founding fathers ancestors I am disgusted with the fact the government is doing little to nothing about the police brutality cases that so frequently happen in our streets.

It was ruled at the beginning of the year in federal court, that the filming of police officers is completely legal.

And, more or less encouraged when engaged into a situation where one might be detained. Our soldiers are doing more right now to protect our public than our own police force. And I honestly cannot wait till the fed thinks they can start a fight with the armed civilian forces of this country. OCCUPY YOUR FREEDOM!

SEND your feedback to the editor editor@mauitime.com, MauiTime 33 N. Market St., Ste. 201, Wailuku, HI 96793, twitter.com/mauitime, or facebook.com/mauitime.

CORRECTION We forgot to credit Joyce Chin with taking the photo of Kanoa and Jessica Rabbit that ran on page 18 of our Oct. 27, 2011 issue.

We regret the error.

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Deadline to reserve space is DECEMBER 9th Publishes on DECEMBER 15th To reserve space contact: BRAD @ 808.283.3260 or brad@mauitime.com TOMMY @ 808.283.0512 or tommy@mauitime.com

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NEWS&VIEWS

Boycott The Maui Invitational!

And the NCAA’s exploitation of students

BY ANTHONY PIGNATARO

T

he Maui Invitational, the first big college basketball tournament of the season, runs though November at the Lahaina Civic Center. It’s a tradition around here dating back to 1982 in which 12 college teams battle for basketball glory. It’s also a product of the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA), a 106-year old organization that, in the words of the eminent civil rights historian Taylor Branch, is “unjust” and carries the “unmistakable whiff of the plantation.”

I do not offer this essay lightly (indeed, this essay represents my views alone, which are not necessarily shared by my colleagues at Mauitime). In a state that lacks Major League, NBA, NHL and NFL sports teams, collegiate sports–especially those played by the University of Hawaii–play a huge part in society here. What’s more, an event like the Maui Invitational promises to bring much to Maui in terms of visitor spending–a stimulus much needed in these dark economic times.

But after much reflection, it has become my belief that the NCAA exploits students–the organization’s so-called amateur “student athletes”–taking much from their labor but returning no compensation. This deep and substantial exploitation, in my opinion, represents a greater harm to society than the loss of business associated with a two-week basketball tournament.

I simply find it hard to ignore the findings and conclusions of Taylor Branch, whose exhaustive essay “The Shame of College Sports” appeared in the October 2011 issue of The Atlantic. The eminent sportswriter Frank Deford said Branch’s story “may well be the most important article ever written about college sports,” and it represents the foundation of much of my thinking on this subject.

“Big-time college sports are fully commercialized,” Branch wrote. “Billions of dollars flow through them each year. The NCAA makes money, and enables universities and corporations to make money, from the unpaid

2 1 for

labor of young athletes.”

The NCAA’s response to Branch and other critics has been mixed. In late October the association passed "sweeping" reforms that included new scholarship money that amounted to stipends for players, but for the most part the NCAA has ignored the issues Branch raised. Mostly

ing events through NCAA On Demand.

With the exception of college scholarships, not one penny of that money ever goes to the players. Indeed, a group of former players have filed a class-action lawsuit seeking compensation for such use, according to an Oct. 26, 2011 NPR story. What’s more, the National College Players Association, a small but increasingly vocal advocacy group for the athletes, recently presented the NCAA with a petition calling for scholarship increases and betSorry to harsh your mellow ter medical coverage.

“Ninety percent of the NCAA revenue is produced by one percent of the athletes,” Sonny Vaccaro, a retired agent who negotiated millions of dollars worth of contracts between college sports and big corporations like Reebok, told Branch. “Go to the skills positions–ninety percent African Americans. Their organization is a fraud.”

Of course, the NCAA doesn’t merely deny players straight financial compensation. After all, as Branch has written, the whole “student athlete” concept came for much darker reasons than as simply an excuse not to pay players.

“The term is meant to conjure the nobility of amateurism, and the precedence of scholarship over athletic endeavor,” Branch wrote. “But the origins of the ‘studentathlete’ lie not in a disinterested ideal but in a sophistic formulation designed, as the sports economist Andrew Zimbalist has written, to help the NCAA in its ‘fight against workmen’s compensation insurance claims for injured football players.’” the organization insists it would be corrupting to sully It’s that simple. If a college player gets injured during the honorable amateur college players with financial paya game, the player can’t get any benefits from the school ments–indeed, the association ruthlessly targets players because the incident wasn’t “work-related.” accused of accepting secret payments from pro agents.

Of course, the solution to this exploitation–paying colBut the NCAA’s argument ignores the fact that televi- lege players for their labor–is neither ideal nor particusion broadcasting deals for sporting events, be they big larly desirable. But given the precedent of U.S. Olympic tournaments like the Maui Invitational or Bowl Chamathletes–once forced to be amateurs, they’re now drawn pionship Series games or just a regular Saturday afterfrom the ranks of paid professionals–and the value our noon match-up between a couple PAC 10 schools bring market economy places on the rendering of services, extraordinary sums of money to America’s colleges there really is no other answer, save the dissolution of and the NCAA. There’s also the increasing use of playcollege sports as a whole. ■ ers’ names and likenesses on replica jerseys and video anthony@mauitime.com + @apignataro games–the sales of which bring in even more money. The NCAA also recently began selling past games and sportTo share or save this article, type: mt.hy.pr/1521n1

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NEWS&VIEWS

QUIZunderstood 1.

Maui Land & Pineapple Co. recently reported a $1.3 million loss in its third quarter,

into 2012, at a pace that will lead to rapid improvement in economic conditions.”

B. “Our forecast is for gains as we move into 2012, but not at a pace that will lead to rapid improvement in economic conditions.”

C. “Our forecast is for no change whatsoever as we move into 2012.”

D. “Our forecast is for losses as we move into 2012, at a pace that will lead to rapid decline in economic conditions.”

according to the Nov. 4 Maui News. With the loss, the company reported $3.371 million in operating revenue for the quarter, which means Maui Land is on track to do between $12 million and $16 million this year. According to the Maui News story, how high did its annual revenue get when it was the largest corporation on the island?

A. $35 million B. $55 million C. $105 million D. $135 million E. $155 million

3. On Saturday, Nov. 5, a bunch of peo-

2. According to the Nov. 4 Maui News, how did University of Hawaii economists describe their economic forecast over the next year?

A. “Our forecast is for gains as we move

6

NOVEMBER 10, 2011

ple stood outside Bank of America Home Loans in Kahului holding signs. Who were they and what were they protesting?

A. Occupy Maui members protesting bank bailouts.

B. Maui Peace Action members doing a regular weekend protest against the war in Afghanistan.

C. American Dream Movement members asking people to move their money to credit unions and community banks.

D. TEA Party Maui members pretending to be Occupy Maui members to distract them from an actual protest that was to take place at Taco Bell.

See answers, page 29

NEWS&VIEWS

Coconut Wireless

Talk of the Island

BY ANTHONY PIGNATARO

DON GUZMAN ANNOUNCES! And here’s someone else you can vote for now, and then grumble over after he’s been in office for a few months, and finally denounce when he comes up for reelection: Ladies and gentlemen of Maui, meet Don Guzman. He wants to sit in Maui County Councilmember Joe Pontanilla’s seat representing Kahului when Pontanilla gets termed out next year.

Guzman certainly has all the makings of a future county councilman. He’s a lawyer and former county deputy prosecuting attorney. He’s a loyal Democrat, having previously worked as Congresswoman Mazie

"Give me a seat!"

Hirono’s Maui field representative. He’s got awards (Asian Pacific American Law Association’s National Service Award), volunteer cred (member of the Maui Drug Court, March of Dimes and Lahaina Junior Golf Association boards) and is even in good standing with the church (lector at Christ the King Church).

There’s not much on his website (donguzmanmaui.com) beyond a big photo of Guzman in his best banker aloha shirt and spots for you to give your email address and campaign contribution, but he’s got a free campaign kickoff coming up on Tuesday, Nov. 22 (5:30-8:30pm) at the Maui Tropical Plantation that will have lots of grinds and entertainment, so go to that if you want to know if he stands for anything.

APEC OPENS WITH VIOLENCE AND HOOKERS Well, the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation (APEC) Summit has finally started over on Oahu. This is where the leaders of 21 Asia Pacific nations–including our own President Barack Obama!–get together to talk story over jobs and trade and other serious matters of state. And what an auspicious opening it got: the fatal shooting of local Kollin Elderts, 23, by State Department Diplomatic Security Service Agent

Christopher Deedy, 27, in front of a Waikiki McDonald’s at 3am on Saturday, Nov. 5.

“The [expletive deleted] haole wen’ kill Kollin,” one man at the scene said in the Nov. 6 Honolulu Star-Advertiser. As expected, the State Department refused to comment on the shooting, though reporters did eventually confirm that Deedy was in town as part of APEC. He’s been charged with second-degree murder, and though police also found a knife at the scene, its possible connection to the shooting remains unknown at press time.

But APEC isn’t just about an armed federal agent killing a local–it’s about serious issues like getting people of all walks of life in the region back to work. It’s about stimulating the global economy, as well as the local market. It’s about, well, boosting local trades like, ahem, hookers. “[I]t’s not just security that’s increased in Honolulu,” reported the Associated Press on Nov. 5. “An advocacy group for survivors of human trafficking says it is seeing increased signs of prostitution on the streets of Waikiki.”

But don’t worry: Honolulu PD has increased the number of cops–and surveillance cameras–on the street to deal with this.

“It’s definitely something we want to think about,” Honolulu Mayor Peter Carlisle told the AP. “You don’t want an embarrassing situation to happen.”

The killing of a local by a federal agent– that the city can apparently handle. But an APEC diplomat caught with a Waikiki hooker? Now that would be too much.

NEIL WANTS TO MAKE IT RAIN And now to be serious for a moment, Governor Neil Abercrombie wants to make it rain more in Hawaii. To bring this about, he believes the state needs more forests.

It’s about time.

“Studies have shown that since 1990, statewide winter rainfall has been 12 per-

Let's make it rain.

cent lower and continues to decline,” stated a Nov. 3 press release from the Governor’s Office. That fact is used to justify Abercrombie’s new “The Rain Follows the Forests” initiative, which aims to restore native forests statewide. “These goals aim to double the amount of protected watershed areas in 10 years,” the release continued. “It will require approximately $11 million per year and would provide for over 150 new natural

Overheard “I said, ‘You love me, I love you, now shut the fuck up.’”

-Woman at the Queen Kaahumanu Center in Kahului, Nov. 4

resource careers.”

A variant of this is going on right now on Kahoolawe. There, volunteers planting native vegetation are trying to restore the “cloud bridge” that once stretched from Haleakala to the island, drenching it with rain.

“Temperatures are steadily rising, while cloud cover lessens–meaning more water is evaporating,” University of Hawaii Professor of Geology Tom Giambelluca said in the governor’s press release. “On the ground, this means lower stream flows and less ground water recharge. Forests are a major part of the water equation because they intercept water from the clouds and reduce direct runoff.”

But protecting Hawaii’s forests goes beyond giving us all more water to feed our towns, golf courses and astonishingly thirsty sugar cane crops (it takes five hundred gallons of water to produce one pound of sugar).

“As a fisherman, I know that mauka and makai are connected,” state Department of Land and Natural Resources Chairperson William Aila, Jr. said in the news release.

“Without forests to hold the soil, heavy rains will cause erosion that pollutes our beaches, reefs, and fisheries. Everything is affected downstream.” ■ anthony@mauitime.com + @apignataro To share or save this article, type: mt.hy.pr/1521n2

NOVEMBER 10, 2011

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NEWS&VIEWS

MauiSphere

LOCAL PLUGS

BY JEN RUSSO

WE LOVE HAPPY BABIES, RIGHT? If it weren’t for the University of Hawaii Maui College Dental Assisting Program’s Baby Dental Packet Project, many new parents might not know anything about dental care.

Mary Hew, Joyce Yamada, and Dr. David Ulin want to see some smiles

The UH Maui College Dental Assisting Program is an accredited two-semester program that provides students with the skills needed to work in the dental profession. Students are taught in the classroom, while receiving hands-on clinical training at the Maui Oral Health Center and at private practice dental offices on Maui. Accredited by the American Dental Association Commission on Dental Accreditation (ADACODA), the program accepts 18 qualified applicants each Fall.

“Pediatricians are pleased to have a dental packet to distribute to their families at child visits,” said Kaiser Permanente Pediatrician Felicitas Livaudais. “The lack of fluoridated water, baby bottle tooth decay and compliance with families providing fluoride to their child all present challenges. This packet will be an important tool to help educate families on good oral hygiene early on.”

Pediatric offices and community clinics interested in acquiring the UHMC baby dental packets for their patients may contact the Dental Assisting Program at 984-3663 or by email at yamadajo@hawaii.edu.

SAYING NO TO TEACHER ATTRITION The Hawaii State Department of Education is stepping into a new three-year induction program that gives new teachers an automatic mentorship with a veteran educator in an effort to battle the state’s extreme attrition rate with new hires. The Hawaii Teacher Induction Program Standards are part of the state’s Race to the Top Plan.

The goal for Hawaii’s comprehensive program is to accelerate teacher effectiveness and student learning. The program will also build collaborative learning communities for all educators and provide excellent teachers the opportunity to develop into real leaders. Currently, 33 percent of Hawaii’s teacher workforce (approximately 3,600 teachers) are novices with zero to three years in the profession. For many, the learning curve is steep.

“Teachers are the single most important factor in determining student success,” said Superintendent Kathryn Matayoshi. “Our goal is to have every beginning teacher working with a highly skilled instructional mentor to improve their craft. This critical investment in induction will help us to retain quality teachers and offer leadership roles to veteran teachers.”

According to the DOE Office of Human Resources, 56 p percent of Hawaii’ss public school teachers sion within w left the profestheir first five years of teaching.

This te

Kathryn Matayoshi Hawaii State Department of Education Superintendent

Babies aren’t born with teeth, but that doesn’t mean you can’t start with good dental habits from the get go. costs the state every year between $4 million and $29 milHawaii currently ranks dead last among the 50 states lion. The state DOE manages 12,500 total teachers; as of when it comes to children’s dental health. We tied with Nov. 7, it had hired 937 teachers in the 2011-12 school year, Florida and New Jersey in getting F scores for two consecuup from 565 in the previous year. tive years in the PEW Center 2011 report that looks at eight Keri Shimomoto, an education specialist at DOE, says benchmarks in dental health for kids. these expense figures include costs of termination, recruitThe UH Maui College (UHMC) Dental Assisting Proment, hiring, substitutes, learning losses and training. “One gram has been creating and distributing a “Baby Dental of the outcomes of high quality induction programs is imPacket” since 2009 – one to every parent of a newborn at proved retention of high quality teachers,” she said. “The Maui Memorial Medical Center. That comes out to approxinew plan includes pairing each beginning teacher with a mately 1,900 packets. trained instructional mentor. This gives excellent veteran The packet contains a brochure designed by UHMC Denteachers an opportunity to develop as teacher leaders and tal Assisting Program Coordinator Joyce Yamada called remain in the profession in a leadership capacity.”

“Keep Your Baby Smiling” and a brochure from the National Until recently, all 15 complex area superintendents have Institute of Dental and Craniofacial Research, plus a finger been responsible for developing and running induction and cot brush and toothbrush. Now a new grant from Kaiser Permentoring programs. A 2008 University of California at Sanmanente Hawaii will allow the school to offer 2,000 packets ta Cruz study by Dr. Lisa Johnson titled, Teacher Induction in to pediatric offices and community clinics around Maui. the State of Hawaii: Current Efforts, Best Practices and Future The good folks at Women Infant Children (WIC) FamSteps, concluded that “there is a patchwork of programs and ily Health Services Section of the Maui District Health Ofefforts, some better conceived and some more effective than fice of the State of Hawaii Department of Health have been others” in Hawaii’s public school system. As part of its Race measuring the efficacy of these packets with their clients. to the Top plan, the new induction standards represent the “Their survey findings report 47 percent reportDOE’s effort to replicate the best components of ed that the only infant dental information they current complex area programs and establish received was from the Baby Dental packets a common, high bar for quality. and of those who had some dental knowl“The selection of highly skilled mentors is edge previous to receiving the Baby Packets, essential to successful induction programs,” 91 percent said they learned half of their densaid Shimomoto. “Mentor selection criteria tal knowledge from our Baby Packets,” said include a range of characteristics that indicate Yamada. “These clients reported that the mentoring potential. Mentor candidates must packet information changed their awareness also provide evidence of successfully working of baby dental health needs.” with Hawaii’s diverse student population, inThis spurred Yamada and the Dental Ascluding under-performing subgroups.” sisting Program to get a grant from Kaiser According to one Farrington-Kaiser-KaPermanente Hawaii to provide their informalani complex area induction program partion to pediatric offices and community clinticipant, “[t]he most beneficial aspect was ics targeting other patients to improve oral having a senior teacher meet with me every care and reduce the state’s tooth decay rates. week face-to-face to discuss the challenges The students at UHMC Dental Assisting I’d been having and getting immediate and Program and Seabury Hall compile the packquick feedback from her. I really appreciated ets, while money from the MMMC Foundation, the times she was able to come in to observe MMMC, Maui County Dental Society memme and give me feedback about how my lesbers, Maui County Dental Hygienists’ Associa-@GilKAOGG (Maui Representative Gil Keith-Agaran, D-9th District), Nov. 8 son went.” ■ jen@mauitime.com + @jenrusso tion, Frank M. and Gertrude R. Doyle Foundation, Dr. Shaun Wright and now Kaiser PermaTo share or save this article, type: mt.hy.pr/1521n3 nente Hawaii make their creation possible.

TWEET of the WEEK “US State Dept folks came by.

Guess guy didn't want lei or was allergic; tossed it in a box as he rushed by. Mahalo."

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NEWS&VIEWS

NEWS OF THE WEIRD

BY CHUCK SHEPARD

SADDAM HUSSEIN RETURNS! Mohamed Bishr, an Egyptian man bearing a remarkable resemblance to the late Iraqi dictator, claimed in October that he had been briefly kidnapped after spurning an offer to portray Saddam in a porn video. Bishr’s adult sons told the al-Ahram newspaper in Alexandria that their father had been offered the equivalent of $330,000. In 2002, according to the Washington Post, the CIA briefly contemplated using a Saddam impersonator in a porn video as a tool to publicly embarrass Saddam into relinquishing power prior to the U.S. invasion.

And in October, former British soldier Nigel Ely offered at auction in Derby, England a two-footsquare piece of metal that he said came from the iconic Baghdad statue of Saddam toppled by U.S. Marines in April 2003. Ely said he had grabbed the piece indiscriminately, but remembers that it was a portion of Saddam’s buttocks.

CAN’T POSSIBLY BE TRUE Apparently, officials at the Chattanooga Metropolitan Airport felt the need for professional guidance on rebranding their facility to “carry it into the modern era,” and so hired the creative talents of Big Communications of Birmingham, Ala., to help. Big’s suggested name for the airport, announced to great fanfare in September: “Chattanooga Airport.”

JUSTICE! NOW! Elsie Pawlow, a senior citizen of Edmonton, Alberta, filed a $100,000 lawsuit in September against Kraft Canada Inc., parent company of the makers of Stride Gum, which brags that it is “ridiculously long-lasting.” Pawlow complained that she had to scrub down her dentures after using Stride, to “dig out” specks of gum–a condition that caused her to experience “depression for approximately 10 minutes.” And Colleen O’Neal filed a lawsuit recently against United/ Continental airlines over the “post traumatic stress disorder” she said she has suffered since a 20-minute flight in October 2009–in which, during turbulent weather, the plane “banked” from side to side and lost altitude.

NAMES IN THE NEWS The man stabbed to death in Calgary, Alberta, in August: the 29-year-old Mr. Brent Stabbed Last.

Among the family members of Jared Loughner (the man charged with shooting U.S. Rep. Gabrielle Giffords in January) who were interviewed by authorities regarding mental illnesses in the Loughner family: Loughner’s distant cousin Judy Wackt. Passed away in May in Fredericksburg, Va.: retired Army Sgt. Harry Palm. Charged with murder in Decatur, Ill., in September: a (predictably underrespected) 15-year-old boy named Shitavious Cook.

THE BREAST OF INTENTIONS The British recreation firm UK Paintball announced in August that a female customer had been injured after a paintball shot hit her in the chest, causing her silicone breast implant to “explode.” The company recommended that paintball facilities supply better chest protection for women with implants. And the Moscow, Russia newspaper Moskovsky Komsomolets reported

in October that a local woman’s life had been saved by her “state-of-the-art” silicone breast implant. Her husband had stabbed her repeatedly in the chest during a domestic argument, but the implant’s gel supposedly deflected the blade.

ULTIMATE CATFIGHTING In Charlotte, N.C., in October, a female motorist was arrested for ramming another woman’s car after that woman said “Good morning” to the motorist’s boyfriend as the women dropped kids off at school. Over in Arbutus, Md., in October, a woman was arrested for throwing bleach and disinfectant at another woman in a Walmart (an incident in which at least 19 bystanders sought medical assistance). Police learned that the arrestee’s child’s father had become the boyfriend of the bleach-targeted woman. And in a hospital in Upland, Pa., in October, two pregnant women (ages 21 and 22) were arrested after injuring a woman, 36, and a girl, 15, in a brawl inside a patient’s room.

Send anonymous thanks, confessions or accusations, 200 words or less (which we reserve the right to edit), changing or deleting the names of the guilty and innocent, to “Eh Brah!” c/o MauiTime, 33 N. Market St, Ste. 201, Wailuku, HI 96793 or send an e-mail to

ehbrah@mauitime.com

Y

ou like to call yourself a yoga teacher and act like you are some deeply spiritual man but the truth is that you are a violent thieving punk and everyone in your community knows it.

Your ratty dreadlocks aren’t fooling anyone, you rasta-poser douche.

Next time you attack someone unprovoked from behind your karma is gonna run over your dogma and your “luck” will run out. And I will be there, laughing my ass off the whole time. I feel so sorry for anyone who tries to learn a spiritual practice from you. But as they say, karma is a bitch, and so are you.■

UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT The North Koreans called it a “cruise ship” and tried to establish a business model to attract wealthy tourists from China, but to the New York Times reporter on board in September, the 40-year-old boat was more like a “tramp steamer” on which “vacationers” paid the equivalent of $470 to “enjoy” five days and nights at sea.

More than 200 people boarded the “dim” and “musty” vessel, “sometimes eight to a room with floor mattresses” and iffy bathrooms. The onboard “entertainment” consisted not of shuffleboard but of “decks of cards” and karaoke. Dinner “resembled a mess hall at an American Army base,” but with leftovers thrown overboard (even though some of it was blown back on deck). The trip was capped, wrote the Times, by the boat’s crashing into the pier as it docked, knocking a corner of the structure “into a pile of rubble.”

Illustration by Ron Pitts mauiartistronpitts.com

COLLEGE CRIMES Boise State University’s highly rated football team suspended three players for several games at the beginning of the season for violating eligibility rules by receiving impermissible financial benefits. According to an October news release by the school, the most prominent player sanctioned was Geraldo Boldewijn, the team’s fastest wide receiver, who had improperly received the use of a car. In his defense, it was a 1990 Toyota Camry with 177,000 miles on it.

MIXED EVIDENCE ON SMOKING A 44-year-old woman was hospitalized with a head injury and a broken clavicle in September after she inadvertently walked into a still-moving train at the Needham Center station near Boston. Her attention had been diverted because she was trying to light her cigarette as she walked. A 51-year-old woman told police she fought off an attempted street robbery in Pennsville Township, N.J., in October by burning the age-20-something assailant with her lit cigarette. She said the man yelled “Ouch” and ran away. ■ chuck@mauitime.com To share or save this article, type: mt.hy.pr/1520n4

NOVEMBER 10, 2011 11

For Veterans Day, we talk story with three ex-sailors about life in the service

By Anthony Pignataro

That’s the length of a rack–just a section of canvas stretched between metal bars–on a warship in the United States Navy.

The sailor’s height is irrelevant–a six-foot rack is all he or she gets for sleeping. Supposedly, it’s less space than that required to house inmates in American prisons.

I learned this back in June 2008 when I toured the battleship USS Missouri, which is moored in Pearl Harbor next to the USS S Arizona Memorial. I also learned that though the ship was

12

NOVEMBER 10, 2011

Photo by Sean Michael Hower

Six feet.

decommissioned in 1991, her austere interior looked much as it did in 1945 when World War II ended on her deck.

But most disturbing of all, I learned that during the Gulf War–the last fight the ship took part in–none of the sailors on board (including the captain) knew what kind of warheads their guided Tomahawk cruise missiles carried, or where they were headed after being fired. For all the crew knew, they could have been armed with armor piercing, high explosive or even nucleartipped warheads. But it wasn’t their job to know, or even precisely who they were shooting at.

The missiles were installed on the ship before deployment already encased in their launch boxes. All the captain knew was that he had to get the ship to a certain place at a certain time before he could launch the missiles. “If the crew wants to see what

they hit, they go below and turn on CNN,” the tour guide told us.

The mentality of the men (and now women) who lived in such conditions and fired such missiles has always fascinated me.

So in honor of Veterans Day, I sat down recently with three U.S. Navy vets: Darrel Smith, the owner of Maui Reef Encounters; Terry Richardson, general manager of the South Shore Tiki Lounge (which is where we met); and Ron Pitts, an artist, maintenance superintendent at the Maui Sunset and MauiTime’s own Eh Brah cartoonist.

Though none of the men knew each other in the service and each had vastly different experiences (Smith was so happy to get out of the service he got a tattoo of a sailor holding his DD-214 Certificate of Separation, the official document declaring him once again a civilian), all three learned very sim ssimilar ilar lessons aboutt life.

MAUITIME: So Terry, since you’re here first, why don’t you tell me when you joined up and why.

TERRY RICHARDSON: It was March 1973 and I was 17 and living in Davenport, Iowa. I had no job, no car, and I was hanging with the wrong people. My sister worked in the federal building, and one day I got a call from a navy recruiter. And I thought, why not, so I met him. If I hadn’t done that, I’m sure I would have ended up in a cell.

It was the best thing I ever did. The navy put me through college. And a VA [Veterans Adminstration] loan just bought a house for me.

RON PITTS: Now I went in in August 1973. Both Terry and I were at the same Great Lakes boot camp. I joined because in 1959 it was determined that both my brother and I would follow in our father’s footsteps and join the U.S. Navy.

DARREL SMITH: I joined in March 1991 because of Desert Storm. It sounds silly, but it was like 9/11. I felt a twinge of patriotism I’d never felt before. And I wasn’t doing well. I’d dropped out of school and got fired from a job. I thought the navy would be something better.

My dad was a marine, and at first I wanted to join the marines.

But the door to the recruiting office was closed, so I went to the navy office, which was open.

MAUITIME: So what jobs did you guys end up doing?

RICHARDSON: I got my orders for the USS Coral Sea, an aircraft carrier then off the coast of Vietnam. The war was winding down, but still. That first month was all kind of a blur to me.

Now I had really high test scores in administration. Because I was able to get on board the ship as soon as I arrived, I got a job as a legal man in the JAG [Judge Advocate General] office.

I spent two years there. A lot of what I did was work on marriages of men to Philippine nationals. You have all these 18, 19 and 20 year old kids meeting these really beautiful Philippine women, and they often fell in love. There was a lot of red tape, and I was part of that red tape.

PITTS: I qualified as a machinist’s mate. On the entrance test they had these questions showing gears meshing together, and little arrows pointing this way and that and you had to say which way one gear was turning if this gear over here was turning. I did well on that. So I went to nuke [nuclear engineering] school.

SMITH: Now I was a liberal arts guy in school. I didn’t get past geometry in high school, but on the test I was able to use questions that appeared later to answer previous questions about atomic structure. But I wasn’t really good. I had to do my first school over again. From that point on I was designated a “dummy.” I graduated fourth from the bottom in power [nuke] school.

I always thought that if I could find those three guys who did worse than me, that I could be their leader.

PITTS: I graduated fourth out of 113 in power school.

SMITH: See? He was the guy I always hated in school.

PITTS: Yeah. Then I went to submarine school, and then I served on the USS Whale. Then after I got kicked out of the sub service because investigators found my name and address in an apartment where they also found marijuana, they put me on the frigate USS Doris Miller, which was a terrible ship. We ended up selling it to Iran. I was also on the USS Seattle. It wasn’t like the big ships. It had race problems.

SMITH: I served on the USS George Washington, a carrier. I knew a guy who jumped off the ship, literally. See, when you’re on a ship, it’s like a big metal jail. Whatever they do to you, you have to take it. Well, this guy couldn’t take it, so he told us he was just going to jump. Lots of guys said that, but he did. Well, they did Man Overboard and sent out the rescue swimmers.

But at the Captain’s Mast [disciplinary hearing] the swimmers

said he was doing the back stroke away from them. He got a huge fine.

MAUITIME: That’s all pretty rough. Do any of you miss the service?

SMITH: I miss the camaraderie.

RICHARDSON: You know, I was thinking the other day that if I’d stayed in, right now I’d be on a Master Chief’s salary, fishing. You know what an E3 [a low enlisted rank] made in 1973? $307 a month!

SMITH: Did you know Navy stands for “Never Again Volunteer Yourself?” Seriously, I wrote my ticket when I got out. If I could get through that, I could learn anything. I had some knowledge I wasn’t aware of when I joined.

PITTS: Here’s what you get out of the service: accountability. I was a chief on tugboats after I got out of the navy.

When I moved here, there were no tugboats for me, but I applied myself.

MAUITIME: Sounds like the service could be good–at times.

RICHARDSON: The food was good. We had lobster for Christmas.

SMITH: Yeah! Once the captain announced, “Tonight we’re having king crab legs for dinner–oh, and we’re going to be out here another six weeks. Sorry.” Click.

Actually, my ship was one of the first to have women on board. There were 200 women out of 5,000 guys. We also had ATMs on the ship–we used to joke the marines were there just to guard the money.

RICHARDSON: Still, we worked 12 hours a day, seven days a week. That’s a long time.

PITTS: We had a 16-hour day, when underway.

SMITH: We had a big-screen TV in the berthing area. But we slept right over the screw, so it wasn’t that great. And the chaplain’s office and library were right under the flight deck, so it was kind of hard to concentrate.

Also, people steal.

PITTS: Yeah, they do.

SMITH: I had an unlocked footlocker, which was my fault. They always tell you to lock it. Well, someone stole my locket containing my father’s ashes. I found the guy and got it back, but then it got stolen again.

RICHARSON: We were six months in, six months out. There was mail, but it was tough.

SMITH: Yeah, now they have email.

would share sleeping racks, each using it when the other was on duty]?

PITTS: Yeah.

SMITH: You had 18 inches of space on the racks. There wasn’t enough space to turn on your side. For privacy, you had a curtain you could draw. And you learned never to open someone else’s curtain if it was closed.

MAUITIME: Did you do six years like Pitts?

SMITH: They discharged me early.

PITTS: They kicked your ass out! But I would like to have served with you. You know why? Because you are good people.

SMITH: It was kind of serious, but I got a general discharge.

RICHARDSON: Have you used your VA loan yet?

SMITH: No, I haven’t.

RICHARDSON: Well, if you can use your VA loan, you can get a home just like that.

SMITH: That’s good. You know, even though I didn’t really enjoy the navy, it was still good. It made possible things I would never have been able to do by myself.

PITTS: That’s another thing I cherish. I visited places no one ever goes. Having access to the reactor compartment made me feel special.

SMITH: Still, it’s hard to imagine, but they can still put you in the brig and give you bread and water for three days [for disciplinary purposes]. They can shave your head and parade you around.

The Master at Arms would stand over you while you were scrubbing stairs with a toothbrush.

PITTS: Once I had a problem with one of my wisdom teeth, so the doctor sent me over to one of the carriers. They have real doctors there. Anyway, the dentist put me under, and when I awoke he shoved some pills in my hand and told me to take some to prevent dry sockets. And I said, “Sockets? Sockets?”

“ They did Man Overboard and sent out the rescue swimmers. But...the swimmers

said he was doing the back

stroke away from them.”

PITTS: In the subs we had Familygrams. They were three lines, six lines, I forget which. It was for everyone who wanted to send a message home. You went to the office and they took down what you wanted to write. It was like texting. We would trail an antenna behind us and transmit them whenever the opportunity came.

They had pulled all four of my wisdom teeth.

MAUITIME: Why did they do that?

PITTS: Because they own you. ■ anthony@mauitime.com + @apignataro

RICHARSON: We got cassette tapes. Eight-tracks.

PITTS: Remember, there was a lot we couldn’t do. We couldn’t use spray deodorant, for instance.

To share or save this article, type: mt.hy.pr/1521L

SMITH: Did you guys hot rack [the process where two sailors

TWEET, SHARE, AND COMMENT ON THIS STORY AT MAUITIME.COM

NOVEMBER 10, 2011 13

FOOD&DRINK

‘We Just Do It!’ Douglas and Belia Paul turned a truck into My Office

BY JEN RUSSO week. My Office is nested in the back of the parking lot that wraps around the Park Plaza building.

The kitchen inside is gorgeous. The Pauls tell me that it’s eight feet by 20 feet, but with all of the commercial kitchen accoutrements it looks smaller when you are standing inside.

Food Truckers: Belia and Douglas Paul But you don’t need a huge space to create food; you just need quality ingredients, and that is exactly what they have.

1300 N. Holopono St. The truck offers a stunning view of (Park Plaza Building), Kihei Ulupalakua. The morning I show up it’s 280-9201 blazing hot – so much so that I almost didn’t order a hot coffee. Stiff county perOpen Mon.-Fri., 7:30ammits and regulations for food truck estab4:30pm. Breakfast served all lishments mean these guys can’t build a seating area or even a shade tent; they day; lunch begins at 11am know it’s hot, but they just can’t do any’ve always had this foodie thing about it. Their food is strictly to go. fantasy about owning my Since they serve the 500 or so folks that own food truck. I would are in the tech park, where most people consummate my steamy eat in courtyards or their own offices, it’s love affair with food by crenot a problem. ating gourmand meals in a “So far the breakfast burritos and spam tight space, but I also know musubis have been our popular morning full well that it would basically be a hot items,” Douglas told me. “Our soups are mess. The chefs who do actually get beflying out the door. For lunch, the ‘Big hind the wheel of Maui’s food trucks are Maloney – a barbecue pork sandwich that damn near saints as they slave over a was named after a dear friend that passed tiny, boxed-in kitchen to bring the hunaway – has been very popular. He is the gry gourmet grinds at a reasonable price. one who encouraged us to get a food place Maui’s newest food truck, called “My Ofgoing up here. He worked for Pacific Rim fice” and run by Douglas and Belia Paul, Land Company.” now serves home style breakfast and The breakfast burritos start at $3.75 and contain eggs, potatoes, cheese and salsa. If you want additional protein like bacon, Office Work Chorizo or Portuguese sausage, your burrito’s cost will rise to a still very reasonable $5.75. The Chorizo burrito I sampled was fantastic. Everything from the potatoes to the scrambled eggs were freshly made and you can’t beat the flavor. The Pauls know they are up against Subway and other fast food grabs for breakfast and lunch and have priced their offerlunch from their spot in the parking lot at ings accordingly. But the fast food joints the Park Plaza in Kihei’s Tech Park. cannot compete with the taste and quality While you and I leisurely live out our of ingredients offered at My Office.

Sundays, Belia and Douglas are up in their For lunch, the lure of lox was great – truck, roasting chickens, making soup and glossy salty smoked salmon is such a treat. figuring out their specials for the coming The lox and bagel sandwich was scrump-

My Office

I

14 NOVEMBER 10, 2011

tious, with the sprouts and cucumber adding a nice touch of delicate greens that enhanced the salt and bread standard. The sandwich cost less than $6.

The quiche is baked in the truck and by

the horizon the Pauls plan to offer takehome dinners so you can grab something healthy on your way home.

Douglas was a pastry chef at Spago and knows his baking chops. Now he’s turned

The chefs that do actually get behind the wheel of Maui’s food trucks are damn near saints...

Thursday morning they were already out.

The Office always has a vegetarian soup as well as a meat soup on the menu, and they are amazing. You might just want to start with the 24oz helping so you can take some home.

The lunch menu includes a nice list of sandwiches and wraps. There’s the Italian sub, turkey, chicken salad, turkey or beef burger, with fries or salad for a side. The salad list is epicurean, with chicken couscous with pine nuts, watercress with tofu and bow tie pasta with feta and artichoke hearts. These are the kind of dishes I want to bring for lunch but don’t want to spend so many hours preparing.

There’s always a daily plate lunch special as well with the protein, salad and starch combo. My Office is also well stocked with fresh baked cookies, hummus, veggies and fruits for snacks. On

Great place, lousy seating

that into his own business.

“Being your own boss is such an uplifting thing,” he said. “If someone wants a half sandwich, no problem. If someone wants a different kind of salad with their sandwich, no problem. It may cost them extra or less but I don’t have to check with the owner or go beg the cook to do this for me just this once. We just do it!” ■ jen@mauitime.com + @jenrusso

Got a hot food scoop? Contact Jen Russo at 808-280-3286 or fax to 808-244-0446.

To share or save this article, type: mt.hy.pr/1521d For more foodie news, visit MauiTime’s food blog at: mauidish.com

FOOD&DRINK

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FOODIE NEWS LAHAINA MAUI, HAWAII

BY JEN RUSSO

Tit for Tatt at Tiki: Thursday, Nov. 10 is time for the tattooed to come out of the woodworks and into the South Shore Tiki Lounge for an ink appreciation affair. In an incredible pairing of skin art and sippables, the Maui Brewing Company is taking over the taps to feature a spread of their luscious seasonal ales for just 3 bucks all day, for tattooed and non-tattooed alike. Some of these beers have never before been available in Kihei. Twotime MauiTime Best of Maui Bartendress winner Sarah Stern will be hosting and hopefully showing off her gorgeous tattoos at this skindig that starts at 8pm. Sarah’s own pizza creation of Tiki’s house made red sauce topped with hawaiian sausage, basil, tomato, goat cheese, mozzarella and white truffle oil will be on special: A large pie will be $20 and you can get the personal size pie for $10. Maui Brewing Company Beers: Pau Hana Pilsner, La Perouse, Kula Pumpkin Harvest, Amber Reign, Pueo Pale Ale, Wild Hog Stout. At 10pm DJ Slackin’ will shake things up with old school fun tracks. No cover all night but it's 21 and older from 10-closing.

Slow Foods Maui

is looking for volunteers to help at the Kihei School Garden this Saturday. See their website at Slowfoodmaui.org for details on how you can pitch in.

Monkeypod Kitchen Hosts “Pizza, Olive Oil and Vino� Wine Dinner Wednesday, Nov. 16. Feasting at Monkeypod Kitchen is a treat in Wailea. Jason Vendrell, Beverage Manager Extraordanaire just announced that they will be hosting a wine dinner around pizza, a fresh idea that will embody both casual and upscale in a five course extravaganza. I can't think of a better way to consume 4 courses of pizza paired with my second favorite food group: wine. Vendrell says, “Peter Merriman created some awesome pizzas and I just paired wines I thought would be complimentary.� The choices range in whites and reds, American and European. Call for your reservation at (808) 891-2322, the fun starts at 5:30pm. It costs $45.

Courses and wines 1.Lobster, truffle and hamakua mushrooms Evening Land ‘Bourgogne Blanc’, Burgundy, France 2009 2.Surfing goat cheese, fresh fig, caramelized onion and arugula Trenza ‘Blanco’ (Albarino/Greanche Blanc), Edna Valley, CA 2009 3.Smoked Onaga, caper, and house creme fraiche Marcel Deiss Riesling, Alsace, France 2008 4. Filet mignon, gorgonzola and roasted pepper Castello di Ama, Chianti Classico, Tuscany, Italy 2006 5.Dessert- Chocolate, coconut and salted peanut cream pie Taylor Fladgate ’20 year Tawny’, Duoro, Portugal

Thanksgiving dinner you want to make? With the helpful souls at Whole Foods assisting, you can sample preparations and products every Saturday through Nov. 19. They will feature holiday foods like cranberry chutney on brie, roasted ham, raw pumpkin pie, and Egg Nog from 1 to 3pm. On Mondays they offer free samples starting at 4pm showcasing the flavors and favorite foods of the passionate Whole Foods Market team members. This Sunday those team members will throw down at the side dish cook off at 2pm. Thursdays starting at 4pm shoppers can taste locally grown ingredients at the in season sampling.

Buzz’s Wharf is giving away Thanksgiving for 10. Imagine a gourmet meal with all the fixings at your Thanksgiving party, gratis from Buzz’s Wharf. All because your amazing musings ended up on their Facebook wall.

Don’t pinch yourself–it's not a dream, go the their Facebook page to win this dinner. All you have to do is state what you are thankful for in 50 words or less on the Buzz’s Wharf Facebook wall, and don’t forget to like them, too.

Offer is good for dining in or out, your choice.

Just in case you don’t win, Buzz’s will be open on Thanksgiving. They will be serving a Prix Fixe Menu, a To-Go Package Menu (for groups of 10), and an A La Carte To-Go Menu (for 10 person portions).

Thanksgiving Tastings: Not sure what kind of

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Pie Time at Mala and Honu: These are no ordinary pies, and even though I make my own pies through the holidays I am so tempted to just order one to enjoy! The homemade pastries by Liz McDonald and the Honu Bake Shop are incredible, so forget about baking: • VEGAN GLUTEN FREE SQUASH and SWEET POTATO PIE - $14.95 Almond ginger snap crust, layered with Molokai sweet potatoes and local Kabocha squash

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Each pie will feed six to eight people, depending upon how much turkey and mashed potatoes they consumed. Pick up your pies on Nov. 23 starting at 9am at Honu (which will be closed for Thanksgiving). 1295 Front St., Lahaina, 667-9390. â–

Got a hot food scoop? Contact Jen Russo at 808-280-3286 or fax to 808-244-0446.

To share or save this article, type: mt.hy.pr/1520d2

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PICKS

This Week's Picks

DIVERSIONS, DALLIANCES & DATES

BY ANU YAGI

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 10 “IF ANYONE WOULD HAVE BEEN PAYING SERIOUS ATTENTION NTION TO MY PUPPET SHOWS, I WOULD HAVE BEEN SENT TO THERAERAPY VERY YOUNG” (writer, actor Bob Balaban, in an interview with IGN FilmForce) - Highlighting three folk tales from home and abroad–“Maui and the Sun,” “The Ant and the Grasshopper” and “Urashima Taro”–the Maui Academy of Performing Arts presents “Tales from Here and There,” a puppet pet operetta (note: two words that need be in succession more often), written ten

by Derek Nakagawa with music by Patrick Brown. Sponsored by the Maui aui sFriends of the Library, this 45-minute program is suitable for keiki 3-yearsnold and older. Please contact the library as soon as possible if a sign language interpreter or other special accommodation is needed. Free. 10am..

Makawao Public Library, Children’s Section (1159 Makawao Ave.), 573-8785; libarieshawaii.org

SHO ME YOUR TATS - Here at MauiTime, we love SHOW puns so much we couldn’t bear titling this Pick anything other than the event’s name. And indeed it’s all thin in the name, as this event’s designed especially for tat addicts want to show off their ink alongside artta ists and friends in the tattoo community. Plus, Tiki’s is aaward-winning pizza will be on special, as will Maui Brewing Company beers (taking over the tap with their unique ales and seasonal drafts for just $3), and DJ Slackin’ spins starting at 10pm. Itching to give it the gun? You should be. No cover. 8pm-close. South Shore Tiki Lounge (1913 S. Kihei Rd.), 874-6444; sarahstern1983@yahoo.com hoo.com

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 11 “FROM THE GUT COMES THE STRUT, AND WHERE HUNGER REIGNS, STRENGTH ABSTAINS” (French Renaissance writer and doctor, Francois Rabelais) - Donate one or more non-perishable food item to the Maui Canoe Club’s “Paddle for Food” drive and get a free half-hour paddling session in one of the club’s outrigger canoes. Please arrive at least 15-20 minutes before session start time (four choices: 7:30am, 8am, 8:30am and 9pm), and look for the red, white and blue canoes. [PS: According the the Maui Food Bank’s website, “96 cents of every dollar (donated) goes directly to helping those in need.” And, “a statewide network of suppliers allows the Maui Food Bank to turn each dollar donated into six pounds of non-perishable groceries, as well as fresh produce, bread, meat, fish and poultry.”] Maui Canoe Club, located along Sugar Beach (N. Kihei Rd., just north of Kealia Condominiums); mauicanoeclub.org

“BUT THE CHIEF PRIDE OF MAUI IS HER DEAD VOLCANO OF HALEAKALA... IT WAS THE SUBLIMEST SPECTACLE I EVER WITNESSED, AND I THINK THE MEMORY OF IT WILL REMAIN WITH ME ALWAYS.” (from Mark Twain’s Roughing It) - In celebration of Veterans Day, the National Park Service (yep, Haleakala National Park included), hosts a fee-free weekend Fri., Nov. 11 through Sun., Nov. 13., “designed to invite new audiences to the parks and to encourage fitness and outdoor recreation.” Free. Haleakala National Park; nps.gov/hale

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 12 “O “ONCE YOU’VE DONE THE BEST YOU CAN, FUNK IT!” (architect of the P-Funk, George ClinFU ton) - Omar and The Soultones (Tommy Fernandez on to guitar, James Somera on drums, Ken Stover on keys, gu Bernard Thomas on bass and Rick Yamashiro on sax), Be play R&B, funk and soul classics by the likes of Al pl Green, Marvin Gaye, Earth Wind & Fire, War, Kool & G The Gang, The Temptations and Stevie Wonder. $10.

Th 9pm-1am. Three’s Bar & Grill (1945 S. Kihei 9p Rd Rd.); 298-9022; islandsoul3.eventbrite.com

“CUT LIKE A RAZOR BLADE” (from Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby”) - This is too cold: Hawaii’s only annual ice sculpting weekend returns, with artists from Japan and Hawaii cranking up their chainsaws for a freestyle ice-carving exhibition (Sat., Nov. 12, 11am-1pm), followed by a 90 min. head-to-head competition (Sun., Nov. 13, 11am1pm). Free. Lahaina Cannery Mall (1221 Honoapiilani Hwy., Lahaina); 661-5304; lahainacannerymall.com

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 13 “FOLLOW FOR NOW, POWER OF THE PEOPLE, SAY ‘MAKE A MIRACLE, D, PUMP THE LYRICAL’” (from Public Enemy’s 1987 song “Bring the Noise”) - “All of my theatre work has integrated the ethos of hip-hop culture,” says Marcus Bathumi Joseph (a Rockefeller Fellow, Broadway veteran and National Slam Poetry champion, named one of America’s Young Innovators in the Arts and Sciences by Smithsonian magazine), in an interview with Philip Bither, McGuire Senior Curator of Performing Arts at Minnesota’s Walker Art Center. “[It] gave me vocabulary to articulate political positions and language to locate myself socio-economically,” Joseph adds. “I think about hip-hop culture not only in terms of its aesthetic manifestations, not only in

terms of B-boying or MC-ing or DJ-ing or graffiti, I think about energetic reciprocity.

I think about ritual and (in)visibility. I think about the idea of the break and sampling and style. These are my antecedents.” In his show “Marc Bamuthi Joseph’s Word Becomes Flesh,” spoken word and contemporary movement coalesce to create a new theatrical form; a series of performed letters to an unborn son. documenting nine months of human gestation with poetry, hip-hop dance, live music and visual art.

Pre-show dinner made available by Kalama’s Maui Ocean Grill. $12 / $28 / $38 + applicable fees. 7:30pm. Castle Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 14 “IN MATTERS OF STYLE, SWIM WITH THE CURRENT; IN MATTERS MATTERS OF PRINCIPLE, STAND LIKE A ROCK” (Thomas Jefferson) Every second Monday of the month there’s a free show at the historic Iao Theater. MauiOnstage (i.e. the theater’s nonprofit stewards) call it “ONO!” not only because free theater’s delicious, but because it’s a handy acronym for “one night only.” This month features Joel Agnew’s original comedy, The Rock of Ages, featuring Agnew, Genie Calagna, Jerry Eiting, Chino LaForge, Jackie Shea, Jessica Tolman, Hana Valle and Tim Wolfe. As Agnew explains, the story

follows a caveman who hits his head on a rock (note: “rock” is the only word he knows), and is preserved for 12,000 years until he’s discovered by New York City sewer workers under Madison Square Garden. The workers–plus a couple of ditzy groupies–think he’s a stoned and very lost rock musician and proceed to lead him backstage to the concert; hilarity ensues and so on. (PS: The evening also includes a performance by local folk singer Nevius.) Free.

6pm doors / 6:30pm show. Iao Theater (68 N. Market St., Wailuku), 242-8680; mauionstage.com

TUESDAY, NOVEMT BIRTH AND DEATH; WE ALL MOVE BETWEEN THESE TWO UNKNOWNS (editor and author, Bryant H. McGill) - Hospice Maui provides quality, compassionate care for the terminally ill, and peace of mind for their families. Help support their mission and celebrate their 30th anniversary by dining-out at participating restaurants on Nov. 15, from which a portion of proceeds will benefit Hospice Maui. Participating Dine-Out for Hospice restaurants (by region) include: CENTRAL: Bistro Casanova (dinner), Da Kitchen (dinner), Ruby’s Diner (all meals), McDonald’s Dairy Rd. (dinner), McDonalds Puunene Ave. (dinner). UPCOUNTRY: Market Fresh Bistro, (breakfast and lunch), Tribe (lunch), Polli’s Mexican Restaurant (lunch and dinner), Casanova (dinner), Kula Lodge (dinner). SOUTH: Sarento’s on the Beach (breakfast), Mala Wailea at Wailea Marriott (lunch and dinner), Mulligan’s on the Blue (dinner), Stella Blues Cafe (dinner). WEST: Honu Seafood and Pizza (lunch and dinner), Mala Ocean Tavern (lunch and dinner), Merriman’s (dinner).

For more information, call 244-5555 or visit hospicemaui.org.

WEDNESDAY, WE W ED DN N ES NOVEMBER 16 “LIKE A LAZY RIVER / SURROUNDING CASTLES IN THE SKY / AND THE CROWD IS GROWING BIGGER / LISTENING FOR THE HAPPY SOUNDS / AND I GOT TO LET ‘EM FLY” (from the Doobie Brothers’s 1972 song “Listen to the Music”) - Sebrina Barron’s a six-stringin’ songstress of the sweetest of countenance who’s destined for great things. She commands the mic Wednesday (and Sunday) nights at Dog & Duck, and you’d do your ears (and heart!) well to hear her set. No cover. Dog & Duck Irish Pub (1913 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei); 875-9669; sebrinabarron.com

NOVEMBER 10, 2011 17

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PICKS

BY ANU YAGI

Friday (Nov. 11), 7pm, Castle Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts. org; $20 single pass / $64 four passes + applicable fees Thrive preaches just the sort of message many Mauians love to love (i.e. if the docos An Inconvenient Truth, In Debt We Trust and TV’s Ancient Aliens had a ménage à trois, Thrive might be their love child), and premiers worldwide this Friday (11/11/11) in 10 languages. “Weaving together breakthroughs in science, consciousness and activism,” as the flick’s synopsis states, “Thrive offers real solutions, empowering us with unprecedented and bold strategies for reclaiming our lives and our future.” But because the complete, “contentrich [web]site with video and interactive tools for research, learning and community organizing” is slated to launch alongside the movie, I don’t have much with which to preview this film, other than its trailer (which you too can watch at thrivemovement.com, mauifilmfestival.com, mauiarts. org, or mauivents.com). This is what I’ve gleaned: filmmakers Foster Gamble and Kimberly Carter Gamble have spent “nearly a lifetime” studying humanity’s “staggering agony and deprivation,” asking themselves “is it even possible for humans to thrive?” They aim to show that aliens (or what-

“I’ve come to accept that the life of a frontrunner is a hard one, that he will suffer more injuries than most men and that many of these injuries will not be accidental.” - Pele, named Football Player of the Century by the International Federation of Football History & Statistics Saturday (Nov. 12), 10am-4pm, Keopuolani Park Amphitheater (150 Kanaloa Ave., Wailuku); allpono.org; $15 adults at door / $10 keiki at door / $12 adults in-advance / $7 keiki inadvance / free for keiki seven-yearsold and younger Founded by Kahakuloa couple Jon and Maile Viela, the nonprofit All Pono Sports Organization was founded in memory of their son Pono, who tragically passed away in 2004 at the age of three. The group’s vision is to “di-

ever)–through symbols in crop circles and ancient art–have given humans a model to access limitless clean energy; and that the monopolized business of energy directly affects “every aspect of our lives,” most notably, “food supply, education, [and] health care.” Thrive is 130 min. long and includes “illuminating and world-changing insights from the brilliant hearts and minds of” (read: “interviews with”) Duane Elgin, Nassim Haramein, Steven Greer, Jack Kasher, Daniel Sheehan, Adam Trombly, Brian O’Leary, Vandana Shiva, John Gatto, John Robbins, Deepak Chopra, David Icke, Catherine Austin Fitts, G. Edward Griffin, Bill Still, John Perkins, Paul Hawken, Aqeela Sherrills, Evon Peter, Angel Kyodo Williams, Elisabet Sahtouris, Amy Goodman, and Barbara Marx Hubbard. While you can host a screening of your own by streaming the film for just 5 bucks, the Maui Film Festival’s CandleLight Cafe & Cinema ups the ante with an event at the MACC’s Castle Theater. Sure it costs more, but it gives you a chance to talk story with like-minded neighbors, not to mention a portion of the event’s proceeds benefit TEDxMaui (which is all about sharing innovative ideas). Also, a pre-show dinner will be made available by Star Anise Indian Cuisine, plus house libations at the Yokouchi Pavilion’s bar (beginning at 5pm), and live music by Raga Rock, featuring Divino on sitar, Steaven on tabla drums and Ken Stover on keyboards (6-7pm). ■

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Excellence.

Provide the environment for a young person like 8 year old VIG athlete Alana Motley to expect excellence from herself, and she’ll rise to the occasion. Alana has chosen the route of Performance & Competition Training at Valley Isle Gymnastics. As they say, a picture is worth a thousand words. rect youth in developing “pono” [do what is right] values and character by providing them with positive opportunities to grow as productive citizens through athletics and community service programs.” The organization boasts over 40 baseball, softball and soccer teams, and this Saturday hosts a “Live Pono” fundraiser for their soccer club (specifically supporting the group’s off-island travels–a life-shaping activity for any island keiki), with entertainment featuring Nuff Sedd, Kohomua, Homestead, Unified Soul, Jah Residentz and Lia Live. Emceed by Maui’s own Hawaiian Home Boy, Sistah Val and Spence Jah, the event also includes mean grinds and a special Keiki Zone with jumping castles, crafts and face painting by JNK Designs. In-advance tickets available at Maui Thing (Wailuku). ■

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Photo © Mark Moquin & WaveShotsMaui

Thrive Talkin’

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NOVEMBER 10, 2011 19

CALENDAR

Da Kine Calendar

BY ANU YAGI

BIG SHOWS KURTIS LAMKIN - Thu., Nov. 10. “Men are longitude, women are latitude, but wherever you stand is the top of the world” (from Kurtis Lamkin’s “Golden Season”) Kurtis Lamkin is a gifted musician and poet from Charleston, SC, who spent 15 years teaching and performing in NYC (fun note: he was Ani diFranco’s poetry instructor at The New School) and was a featured poet in the PBS series “Fooling With Words” with Bill Moyers. His repertoire ranges from political commentary to traditional praise poems and folk music, and is noted for his instrumentation on the kora, a unique 21-stringed harp-lute–made of a gourd–of West African origin. Hosted by Kathy Collins of Mana’o Radio. $15 advance / $20 door. 8:30-10pm. Studio Maui (810 Haiku Marketplace); thestudiomaui.com MAUI FILM FESTIVAL PRESENTS “THRIVE” - Fri., Nov 11. Debuting worldwide today (in 10 languages!), “Thrive” (130 min.) appears to preach just the sort of message many Mauians love to love (i.e. if the docos “An Inconvenient Truth,” “In Debt We Trust” and TV’s “Ancient Aliens” had a menage a trois, their love child would be this flick). A portion of the event’s proceeds benefits TEDxMaui. Pre-show dinner by Star Anise Indian Cuisine and entertainment by Raga Rock. See This Week’s Picks for more. $20 single ticket / $64 four-pack passes. 7pm Castle Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-7469 (SHOW); mauiarts.org “home of the $1 mai tai” Kihei’s BEST Sunset Cocktail Spot!

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MARC BAMUTHI JOSEPH’S WORD BECOMES FLESH - Sun., Nov 13. Integrating spoken word poetry with contemporary movement, Marc Bamuthi Joseph’s birthed a new theatrical form infused with hip-hop aesthetic. See This Week’s Picks for more. $12 / $28 / $38 + applicable fees. 7:30pm. Castle Theater, MACC (One Cameron Way, Kahului); 242-SHOW (7469); mauiarts.org

STAGE KEIKI PUPPET OPERETTA - Thu., Nov. 10. Highlighting three folk tales from home and abroad–”Maui and the Sun,” “The Ant and the Grasshopper” and “Urashima Taro”– the Maui Academy of Performing Arts presents “Tales from Here and There,” a puppet operetta. See This Week’s Picks for more.

Free. 10am. Makawao Public Library, Children’s Section (1159 Makawao Ave.), 5738785; libarieshawaii.org ONO! (ONE NIGHT ONLY!) “THE ROCK OF AGES” - An original rock n’ roll comedy by local celeb Joel Agnew. See This Week’s Picks for more. Free. 6pm doors / 6:30pm show. Iao Theater (68 N. Market St., Wailuku), 242-8680; mauionstage.com ‘ULALENA - Mon.-Fri. A nonpareil portal to

20 NOVEMBER 10, 2011

Hawaiian history and kanaka maoli lore, what ‘Ulalena accomplishes–five nights a week for 12 years strong–is without a doubt the most powerful cultural education available for our visitors and ourselves. Rich with tradition while sublimely contemporary, it’s a clean, consistent and critical contribution by Hawaii about Hawaii, for the world. Mahalo ke akua! Starting at $24.50 keiki / $59.50 adults. VIP and dinner packages available. 6:30pm. Maui Theatre (formerly Maui Myth & Magic Theatre), Lahaina; 877-688-4800; mauitheatre.com CIRQUE POLYNESIA - Mon.-Sat. It’s Cirque du Soleil-esque with a uniquely Polynesian twist. Enjoy amazing high-wire acts, aerial acrobatics, illusions, and mind-boggling contortionists. Starting at $62 (ask about deals for keiki and kama’aina). 6pm. Hyatt Regency Maui Resort & Spa, 200 Nohea Kai Dr., Kaanapali; 667-4540; maui.hyatt.com / cirquepolynesia.com

TICKETS ON SALE THE BOUNCING SOULS AND YOUTH BRIGADE - Thu., Nov. 17. Jersey’s The Bouncing Souls and Cali’s Youth Brigade visit the Valley Isle for the first time, joined

by Maui’s own Order of the White Rose and Minor Setback. 7:30pm doors. $20 advance / $25 door. 7:30pm. Oceans Beach Bar & Grill, 1819 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei; 891-2414 5TH ANNUAL WAILEA FOOD & WINE CELEBRATION - Fri., Nov. 18. Hui No’eau Visual Arts Venter presents their 5th Annual Wailea Food & Wine Celebration benefit in support of visual arts education in our community. Guests will enjoy a relaxing evening with Maui’s top chefs and vintners creating a culinary journey complimented by wines provided by Chambers & Chambers Wine Merchants. Purchase tickets online or call 572-6560. $150 ($100 tax-deductible).

5:30-8:30pm. Hotel Wailea, 555 Kaukahi St., Wailea; 874-0500 RALPHIE MAY - Sat., Nov. 19. Male comedienne Ralphie May is one of the biggest comics in the country—literally. Of NBC’s “Last Comic Standing” fame, he also recently finished shooting a new movie titled “The Best and Brightest” which also stars Neil Patrick Harris and Amy Sedaris. 8pm. Castle Theater, MACC, One Cameron Way, Kahului; 2427469 (SHOW); mauiarts.org 2ND ANNUAL GO RED FOR WOMEN LUCHEON & HEALTH EXPO - Sat., Nov. 19.

Did you know heart disease claims the life of almost one woman every minute? Learn more about heart disease and enjoy a health expo which will include VIP “swag bags,” cooking & health and beauty demonstrations, a red carpet photo shoot. Free spa treatments will be given to the first 100 guests so get there early! An “onolicious” heart healthy, sustainable

three-course lunch will be served, prepared by the Kea Lani’s own Chef Pang. To purchase tickets, visit mauigoredluncheon.org or contact the American Heart Association at 244-7185. $100 per seat. 9 am-1:30pm.

Fairmont Kea Lani, 4100 Wailea Alanui Dr., Wailea; 840-8402; fairmont.com/kealani POINT PANIC MUSIC FESTIVAL: FEATURING SUBLIME WITH ROME, PEPPER, IRATION AND DUB TRIO - Sun., Nov. 20. An all-ages show! Hawaii’s BAMP Project partners with California’s Guerilla Union to present the Point Panic Music Festival. Featuring the return of Sublime with Rome to the Valley Isle, plus Hawaii’s own Pepper (currently on the Vans Warped Tour) and Iration, as well as—for the first time in Hawaii—the Brooklyn-based band, Dub Trio (which doubles as Matisyahu’s backup). Tickets available through the MACC box office. 3pm doors / 4pm show. $45. 3pm.

A&B Amphitheater / Yokouchi Pavilion, MACC, One Cameron Way, Kahului; 242-7469 (SHOW); mauiarts.org REO SPEEDWAGON - Sun., Nov. 27. This temples-tautened band of highly peroxided Midwesterners have been rockin’ since 1967.

Beyond their multi-platinum albums (and locks), one interesting fact includes their 2009 release of “Find Your Own Way Home,” the “first ‘downloadable casual game’ produced by a rock band.” 7pm doors/8pm show. $65-$85. Castle Theater, MACC, One Cameron Way, Kahului; 242-7469 (SHOW); mauiarts.org GABRIEL IGLESIAS - Fri., Nov. 25. Get ready to laugh out loud with Comedy Central TV star Gabriel Iglesias. His high-octane show is a sure-fire hit mixture of storytelling, parodies, characters and sound effects that bring all his person issues to life. Making him popular among fans of all ages, Gabriel delivers a clean and animated comedy style that has earned him national crossover appeal. $41. 7pm.

Castle Theater, MACC, One Cameron Way, Kahului; 242-7469 (SHOW); mauiarts.org CHRIS ISAAK - Thu., Dec. 1. He’s the kind of star that makes you wish you bought stock in hair gel. Oh, and “(he, he, he, he) just wants to hold your love tonight.” $45 / $55 / $65 / $85. 7:30pm. Castle Theater, MACC, One Cameron Way, Kahului; 242-7469 (SHOW); mauiarts.org (Natasha Mendoza) WALKING IN A WILLIE WONDERLAND Sat., Dec. 3. Expect the unexpected as Willie K’s return to this popular holiday concert will be filled like a Christmas stocking–full of old favorites and new arrangements, too. It’s easy getting into the holiday spirit when this charismatic and versatile Hawaiian entertainer shares his extensive vocal range and guitar talents. $12 / $28 / $37. 7:30pm. Castle Theater, MACC, One Cameron Way, Kahului; 242-7469 (SHOW); mauiarts.org HERITAGE FILM FESTIVAL: KAHO’OLAWE ALOHA ‘AINA - Sun., Dec.

TheGRID

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

MONDAY-WEDNESDAY

11/10

11/11

11/12

11/13

11/14 - 11/16

FIND THE GRID ONLINE AT MAUITIME.COM/GRID OR TO HAVE YOUR BUSINESS ADDED TO OUR WEEKLY GRID SEND YOUR INFORMATION TO CALENDAR@MAUITIME.COM

ALE HOUSE

NFL

Braddah Francis 4-8pm / Nightclub w/ DJ LX & MC Jay-J, 10pm; $10

Paquiao v. Marquez 4pm; $15 / Rock & Roll Saturdays 9pm; no cover

NFL / Simma Down Nightclub w/ DJ JamnJ & DJ Iggy, 10pm; no cover

MON - NFL / Open Mic Jam Sesh w/ Teri Garrison, 9pm; no cover / TUE - Country music, 9pm / WED - Free Karaoke w/ Braddah Francis, 8pm

AMBROSIA

Jamie Gallo, 7pm / Old Skool Thursdays w/ DJ Del Sol, 10pm; no cover

Whatever You Want w/ DJ AstroRaph, 10pm

Sunrise Saturdaze w/ DJ Decka, 10pm

ULTRA w/ DJ CIA, 10pm

MON - Cocktails For A Cause, 8pm; live music, 9pm / TUE - Dirty House Tuesdays w/ DJ La Rage / WED - Red Carpet Movie Night, 7:30pm; Maui’s HI-5 Night (S.I.N.) w/ DJs Del Sol & CIA, 10pm (all sets no cover)

CASANOVA

Power Up Productions presents Stand Up Comedy Live 10pm; $10

Rootz and Creation feat. Teomon and Hailey plus Stone of Super Dub Tribe, 10pm; $10

Bryan & Friends 9pm; $10

CHARLEY’S

Wavetrain feat. Mark Johnstone 10pm; no cover

Maoli 9:30pm; $5/$10

Bill Kreutzmann, Ray White, Bobby Vega and Matt Hubbard, 9:30pm; $15/$20

NFL Sunday Ticket

COOL CAT CAFE

Barefoot Minded 7:30-10pm; no cover

Dave Caroll 7:30-10pm; no cover

Dave Caroll 7:30-10pm; no cover

Erin Smith 7:30-10pm; no cover

MON - 9th annual Night of the Living Dread feat.

Marty Dread, 10pm; $10 / TUE - Live Jazz, 7-10pm / WED - Jordan Cuddy, 7:30-10pm

DIAMONDS ICE BAR

Kihei Cowboys 10pm; no cover

DJ Kamikaze 10pm; no cover

Live Music 10pm; no cover

Live Music 10pm; no cover

MON - Gomega / TUE - Rampage / WED - Juke Box Party (all sets 10pm; no cover)

DOG & DUCK IRISH PUB

Quiz Night 8pm; no cover

Dance Party 10pm; no cover

Live Music 10pm; no cover

Sebrina Barron 10pm; no cover

MON – Big John / TUE - Junior Lacuesta / WED Jessica & Kanoa (all sets 10pm; no cover)

College Football / NFL / Karoke / Free Pool Night

Karaoke / Darts

Karaoke / Darts

NFL Sunday Ticket / Karaoke / Darts

MON - NFL / WED - Go Go Dancers & DJ Music, 10pm-2am; no cover

HAUI’S LIFE’S A BEACH 1913 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 891-8010

Rampage 9pm-close; no cover

Dat Guyz 9pm-close; no cover

Jah Residentz 9pm-close; no cover

NFL / Karaoke Industry Night 8pm-close; no cover

MON - NFL / Karaoke, 8pm-close / TUE - Junior Lacuesta / WED - Rick Glencross & Open Mic Night

HARD ROCK CAFE

Indio & Avi, 8:30pm

355 E. Kamehameha, Kahului - 877-9001

1913 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 891-1011

1188 Makawao Ave., Makawao - 572-0220

142 Hana Hwy., Paia - 579-8085

Wharf Cinema Center, Front St., Lahaina - 667-0908

1279 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 874-9299

1913 S. Kihei Rd. - 875-9669

GREEN LEAF SPORTS BAR 1088 Lower Main St., Wailuku - 244-4888

900 Front St., Lahaina - 667-7400

ISANA

515 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 874-8199

4. Heritage films presents three short films about Kaho’olawe and its historic struggles, beginning with the earliest days of the movement to stop bombings on the island. After the screening, audience members will have the chance to meet the talented people who’ve helped bring these stories to the public during a Q&A session. $10. 3pm. McCoy Studio Theater, MACC, One Cameron Way, Kahului; 242-7469 (SHOW); mauiarts.org HOLIDAY POPS! WITH MAUI POPS ORCHESTRA - Sun., Dec. 4. Special guest artist Amy Hanaiali’i Gilliom and Music Director James Durham have programmed an outstanding variety of music for this annual concert tradition; including classical and holiday favorites plus Amy’s best-loved songs. $10 / $25 / $35 / $45.

3:30pm. Castle Theater, MACC, One Cameron Way, Kahului; 242-7469 (SHOW); mauiarts.org KRISHNA DAS: “AN INTIMATE EVENING & KIRTAN” - Mon., Dec. 5. Come chant with the West’s most popular kirtan whalla and story teller, Krishna Das, who completes his “Samsara by “Bus” world tour on Maui at the Makawao Union Church. Tickets available online (krishnadas.com) or at Maui Kombucha. $25 advance / $35 cash at door. Makawao Union Church, 1445 Baldwin Ave. BOYZ II MEN - Sat., Dec. 10. Mowtown Philly back again! Hey, am I the only one who thought the lyrics “ABC BBD” was about bebadeeze (not Bel Biv DeVoe)? Auwe, eh? I’m some babooze! Anyway, yeah. Boyz II Men is coming to Maui. Seriously. So prepare fo’ da flashbacks! $45 / $60 / $75. 7:30pm. Castle Theater, MACC, One Cameron Way, Kahului; 242-

Karaoke

Karaoke

7469 (SHOW); mauiarts.org

TUE - Maui Tribe presents Willie K and The Warehouse Blues Band, 9pm; $10 / WED - Wild Wahine Wednesday w/ DJ Blast & Chilltown, 10pm; $10

The House Shakers 8:30pm

MON - Blues Spirit of Maui / TUE - Jessica Rabbitt & Kanoa / WED - Damon Parillo & Danyel Alana (all sets 8:30pm)

Karaoke

WED - Karaoke

Coy Studio Theater, MACC, One Cameron Way, Kahului; 242-7469 (SHOW); mauiarts.org

STEVE MILLER BAND & DAVE MASON Sun., Dec. 11. Calling all jokers, smokers and midnight tokers! $55 / $65 / $85 / $125.

7pm. A&B Amphitheater / Yokouchi Pavilion, MACC, One Cameron Way, Kahului; 2427469 (SHOW); mauiarts.org SLACK KEY MASTERS WITH DANIEL HO AND TIA CARRERE - Thu., Dec. 15. Cooler-than-cool Uncle George Kahumoku hosts his signature show, opening with his Grammy-winning musical and storytelling talents. This month showcases slack key musician Daniel Ho who will be joined on stage

by Grammy Award winning singer and actress (of “Wayne’s World” fame), Tia Carrere. $25 standard / $45 VIP with artist talk-story session. 7:30pm. McCoy Studio Theater, MACC, One Cameron Way, Kahului; 242-7469 (SHOW); mauiarts.org

COMEDIAN BILL MAHER - Sun., Jan. 1. Who cares if atheists ain’t got no songs? We’ve got Bill Maher! See you there. $35.50 / $45.50 / $65.50 / $85.50. Castle Theater, MACC, One Cameron Way, Kahului; 242-7469 (SHOW); mauiarts.org

LOOKING FOR SOMETHING? CALENDAR LISTINGS

ON MAUITIME.COM

GENERATIONS: KEKUHI KEALI‘IKANAKA‘OLE Sat., Dec. 17. A multi-talented tita, Kekuhi’s music demonstrates what it means to be Hawaiian today. Making this special night a family affair, Kekuhi’s mother and son will join her on-stage during this intimate concert. $30. 7:30pm. Mc-

MOONLIGHT SERIES FEAT. MACEO PARKER - Sat., Jan. 14. The one and only Maceo Parker—the funk saxophonist famed for his work with Parliament Funkadelic and James Brown—is coming to Maui. Seriously! I know, awesome, right? $35/$40.

7:30pm. A&B Amphitheater / Yokouchi Pavilion, MACC, One Cameron Way, Kahului; 242-7469 (SHOW); mauiarts.org

ANNOUNCEMENTS SIGN-UP FOR MAUI OPEN STUDIOS 2012 - Wanna show off your cool artistic talents? Do it during Maui Open Studios 2012, an event where artists open up their exhibition spaces to show and sell their work to the public. Detailed guidebooks are available throughout the

duration of the event whereby visitors design their own self-guided tours based on the artists and work that interests them most. Each weekend in Feb. features artists in different areas on Maui—from West, Central and South, North and Upcountry, and East. Want in on the action? The deadline for artists, artisans, advertisers and sponsors to register is Nov. 1, 2011.

415-450-1307; mauiopenstudios.com

FOODIE DINE OUT FOR HOSPICE MAUI - Tue, Nov. 15. Hospice Maui provides quality, compassionate care for the terminally ill, and peace of mind for their families. Help support their mission and celebrate their 30th anniversary by dining-out today at participating restaurants on Nov. 15 (see This Week’s Picks), with a portion of proceeds donated to their cause. Call 244-5555 or visit hospicemaui.org for more information.

“PIZZA, OLIVE OIL, & VINO” WINE DINNER AT MONKEYPOD KITCHEN - Wed, Nov 16. For $45 enjoy five courses paired including Lobster, truffle and hamakua mushrooms with Evening Land ‘Bourgogne Blanc’, Burgundy, France 2009. Surfing goat cheese, fresh fig, caramelized onion and arugula with Trenza ‘Blanco’ (Albarino/Greanche Blanc), Edna Valley, CA 2009. Smoked Onaga, caper, and house creme fraiche with Marcel Deiss Riesling, Alsace, France 2008. Filet mignon, gorgonzola and roasted pepper with Castello di Ama, Chianti Classico, Tuscany, Italy 2006. and finally Chocolate, coconut and salted peanut cream pie with Taylor Fladgate ‘20 year

NOVEMBER 10, 2011 21

TheGRID

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

MONDAY-WEDNESDAY

11/10

11/11

11/12

11/13

11/14 - 11/16

FIND THE GRID ONLINE AT MAUITIME.COM/GRID OR TO HAVE YOUR BUSINESS ADDED TO OUR WEEKLY GRID SEND YOUR INFORMATION TO CALENDAR@MAUITIME.COM

JAVA JAZZ

Guest Performer 7pm - close; no cover

Tracy Stiles 7pm - close; no cover

Rick Glencross 7pm - close; no cover

Farzad & Mike Madden 7pm - close; no cover

MON - The Chris & Mary Jane Xperiment / TUE - Ras Shaggai / WED - Rick Glencross

KAHALE’S

Bad Kitty, 7pm

Kenny Roberts, 7pm

Eight Track Players, 7pm

The Kihei Cowboys, 7pm

MON - Kawika / TUE - Da Hawaiians / WED - Gina Martinelli (all sets 7pm)

1810 6:30-8:30pm; no cover

Willie K 8-10pm; $5

1810 6:30-8:30pm; no cover

Sam Ahia 6:30-8:30pm; no cover

MON through WED Sam Ahia, 6:30-8:30pm; no cover

Karaoke & Dancing w/ Auntie Toddy Lilikoi 9:30-close; no cover

Karaoke & Dancing w/ Auntie Toddy Lilikoi 9:30-close; no cover

Kawika Ortiz, 7-9:30pm / DJ Kamikaze, 10pm-close

MON - NFL / TUE Country Music & Dancing w/ Rick Scanlan, 7-11m / WED Sebrina Barron 7-9pm; Ladies’ Night w/ DJ La Rage, 10pm-close

3350 L. Honoapiilani Rd. - 667-0787

1913 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 875-7711

KIMO’S

845 Front St., Lahaina - 661-4811

KOBE STEAKHOUSE

136 Dickenson St., Lahaina - 667-5555

Fulton Tashombe & The Maui Jazz All-Stars, 7-10pm

LONGHI’S LAHAINA 888 Front St., Lahaina - 667-2288

LULU’S KIHEI

1945 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 879-9944

LULU’S LAHAINA

Lahaina Cannery Mall - 661-0808

MERRIMAN’S

1 Bay Club Pl., Kapalua - 669-6400

MULLIGAN’S ON THE BLUE 100 Kaukahi St., Wailea - 874-1131

OCEANS BAR & GRILL 1819 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 891-2414

SHARKY’S

41 E. Lipoa St., Kihei - 874-5115

SANSEI - KAPALUA 115 Bay Dr., Lahaina - 669-6286

Tawny’, Duoro, Portugal. 5:30pm Monkeypod Kitchen (10 Wailea Gateway Pl., Unit B-201, Wailea); 891-2322; monkeypodkitchen.com

EVENTS

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 10 SURF FLICK SCREENING: “PACIFIC VIBRATIONS” (PG13) - Bring your beach chairs to this benefit for Napili’s Maui Prep, and watch a screening of “Pacific Vibrations,” filmed by Lahaina resident, John Severson (grandpa of Maui Prep student Zoe Gonzales). who will introduce the film. In a recent story by Surfer Magazine, the film was heralded as “easily one of the all-time great surf films.” Refreshments available. Advance tickets for sale at The Coffee Store (Napili) or Lahaina Music. $5 advance / $8 door. 6pm doors / 6:30pm show.

Maui Preparatory Academy (5095 Napilihau St.); mauiprep.org SHOW ME YOUR TATS - Show off your ink and itch for more alongside artists and friends of the tattoo community. See This Week’s Picks for more. 8pm South Shore Tiki Lounge (Kihei Kalama Village, 1913 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei); Tiki Lounge: 874-6444 / Sara Stern: 280-5249; southshoretikilounge.com; sarahstern1983@ yahoo.com

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 11 PADDLE FOR FOOD - Donate to the Maui Food Bank and receive a free half-hour paddling session with the Maui Canoe Club. See

22 NOVEMBER 10, 2011

Salsa Night w/ Netto & Barbara Peraza, 8-11pm / DJ Nexus 11pm-close

Requesola w/ Rob & Ron = R2, 6:30-9:30pm / DJ Nexus 10pm-close

Camp Savage 7:30-9:30pm / DJ AstroRaph, 10pm-close

Howard Ahia 6-8pm; no cover

Marvin Tevaga 6-9pm; no cover

STATUS hosted by Philly Blunt & feat. All Access Ent.’s DJ Money Mike, 10pm; $10

Ranga Pae

Ranga Pae

Ranga Pae

Ranga Pae

TUE - David Choy / WED - Ranga Pae

Murray Thorne, 7-9pm / Pub Quiz Superfreakout w/ Trish “The Dish” Smith 9:30pm-12am

Lily Meola 6:30-8:30pm

Joe Benedett 7-9pm

The Celtic Tigers w/ Mad Bagpiper Roger McKinley 6:30-9:30pm / Big John 10pm-12am

MON - Tyler Bush 6:30-8:30pm / TUE Brenton Keith & His Bag O’ Tricks 7-8pm / WED - TBA

Mauimusicmecca presents Guest DJ 10pm; no cover

Benefit concert for Iaone Lepisi Jr. w/ Nuff Sedd, The Alliez, Malino, Fiyah, Titilua, Josh Tatofi, Mele Pono, Tivaini, Off Tomorrow’s John, Daniel and Joon 9pm; $15 advance

Adam An-Ten-Nae Ohana 10pm; $8 advance

Ibiza on Maui w/ DJ Peak 10pm; no cover

Jordan 6-9pm

Dress Like A Pirate Night

Free Karaoke 10pm-1am; no cover

Free Karaoke 10pm-1am; no cover

This Week’s Picks for more. 7:30am, 8am, 8:30am and 9pm. Maui Canoe Club, located along Sugar Beach (N. Kihei Rd., just north of Kealia Condominiums); mauicanoeclub.org FEE-FREE WEEKEND AT HALEAKALA NATIONAL PARK - In honor of our veterans, today through Sunday, fees are waived at our country’s stunning national parks. See This Week’s Picks for more nps.gov/hale ARTIST RECEPTION: SHARON RANSFORD - Fine artist Sharon Ransford loves experimenting with the earthy element of clay, saying “Clay is ageles and coems from a rich history–allowing me to link the past, present and future. Above all, clay is forgiving.” Ransford is the guild’s featured artist from Nov. 11-24 and you can meet her during a special opening reception, tonight. Refreshments and live music are part of the festivities.

Free. 6:30-9pm. Maui Crafts Guild (69 Hana Hwy., Paia); 579-9697; mauicraftsguild.com

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 12 SECOND SATURDAY ART - Swanky monthly art activities for your keiki. E-mail ashley@ mauithing.com for more information. Free.

10am-12pm Maui Thing (7 N. Market St., Wailuku); 249-0215 ANNUAL UPCOUNTRY HOLIDAY SALE Enjoy free coffee/tea and holiday music while you peruse lovely Hawaiian holiday gift items like Hawaiian Santa’s, tutu’s, doll ornaments, angels, treetoppers, Maui Potpourri home decor, handmade shell jewelry, handmade cards,

MON - All Access DJs, 10pm / TUE - “Lahaina Idol” Karaoke w/ Troy, 9pm12am / WED - Kenny Roberts, 5-8pm (all no cover)

MON - Eat & Place Day Dance Dance Extreme Competition, 7pm / TUE - Karaoke w/ DJ Jay / WED - Western Night & BBQ Championship Free Karaoke 10pm-1am; no cover

skin care/cosmetics, stocking stuffers and baked goods.

Free admission. 9am-4pm. 50 Kainana Pl., Kula (between Cafe 808 and Holy Ghost Church); 876-0738; dolls@maui.net.

LIVE PONO HO’OLAULE’A BENEFIT - Featuring entertainment by Nuff Sedd, Kohomua, Homestead, Unified Soul, Jah Residentz and Lia Live. See This Week’s Picks for more. Inadvance tickets available at Maui Thing (Wailuku). $15 adults at door / $10 keiki at door / $12 adults in-advance / $7 keiki in-advance / free for keiki seven-years-old and younger.

10am-4pm, Keopuolani Park Amphitheater (150 Kanaloa Ave., Wailuku); allpono.org 16TH ANNUAL LAWN & GARDEN FAIR - Presented by the Maui Association of Landscape Professionals. Begins with door prize giveaways (10am, 11:15am, 12:15pm, ); a presentation about growing Hawaiian plants in your garden, by Ann Emmsely of UH Maui College (10:30am); a presentation about breadfruit for landscaping and as a food source, by Ian Cole, collection manager and curator for the Breadfruit Institute; Maui Invasive Species Committee’s Malama I Ka Aina Award presentation (12:15pm), hula performance by Hui Lanakila (1pm), a presentation about correct mulching techniques by Susi Mastroianni, certified arborist (2pm), plus “Art Scapes - A Living Art Exhibition” all day long. Free. 10am3pm. Maui Mall (70 E. Kaahumanu Ave., Kahului); mauimall.com ANNUAL INTERNATIONAL ICE SCULPT-

ING EXHIBITION - This popular event returns to Maui’s West side. (PS: The event continues tomorrow with a 90-minute head-to-head competition). See This Week’s Picks for more.

11am-1pm. Free. Lahaina Cannery Mall (1221 Honoapiilani Hwy., Lahaina); 661-5304; lahainacannerymall.com OMAR & THE SOULTONES - See This Week’s Picks for more. $10. 9pm-1am. Three’s Bar & Grill (1945 S. Kihei Rd.); 298-9022; islandsoul3.eventbrite.com MEAN KINE OLD SCHOOL CRED - Headlining tonight at Charley’s are Bill Kreutzmann of the Grateful Dead, Ray White of the Frank Zappa Band, Bobby Vega of Zero, KVHW and Sly & The Family Stone plus Matt Hubbard of 7 Walkers. $15 advance / $20 door. 9:30pm.

Charley’s Restaurant & Saloon (142 Hana Hwy., Paia); 579-8085; charleysmaui.com

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 13 MAUI BIRD CONSERVATION CENTER (MBCC) OPEN HOUSE TOURS - Come and meet the endangered Hawaiian birds that call the MBCC home and find out what you can do to help. Enjoy light refreshments, educational presentations and face painting for keiki. $5 suggested donation. Tours times offered at 9am, 10:30am, 1pm and 2:30pm. Maui Bird Conservation Center (2375 Olinda Rd.); 572-0690 ANNUAL INTERNATIONAL ICE SCULPTING COMPETITION - Give innovative sculptors chainsaws, chisels and a big hunk of ice

VOTED BEST HAPPY HOUR ON MAUI! 3 +)(%) 2$ s !- !- $!),9 s $)..%2 @4), 0-

THURS

ECCA MAUIMUSICMDJ PRESENTS GUEST

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FRIDAY

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SATURDAY LOANE

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SUNDAY

IBIZA ON MAUI WITH DJ PEAK 10PM

TUESDAY

TACO TUES.

4-10PM

1945 S K

E LLAG I V A IHEI RD, KALAM i.com u

879-9944 lulusma

THURSDAY

BARBARA & NETTO HOT & SPICY SALSA 8-11PM

$2 BOTTLES, TAPS & WELLS 10PM-Close

FRIDAY

ROB & RON 7-9:30 pm DINNER MUSIC

DJ NEXUS

PLAYING REGGAETONE & LATINO HIPHOP 10PM-CLOSe

$2 BOTTLES, TAPS & WELLS 10PM-Close

SATURDAY

CAMP SAVAGE 6:30-9:30 pm DJ ASTRO RAPH TILL CLOSe

$2 BOTTLES, TAPS & WELLS 10PM-Close

-*7& .64*$ 7-9PM

WILD WAHINE WEDNESDAY

CASANOVA’S FAMOUS LADIES NIGHT

BACK TO THE FUTURE W/ DJ BLAST & CHILLTOWN MUSIC STARTS @ 10PM + $10 COVER

THE EVENING THAT EARNED CASANOVA’S THE AWARDS

WIN TIX

“BEST LATE NIGHT IN MAUI” “BEST SINGLES SCENE IN MAUI”

THURSDAY NOVEMBER 10TH POWER UP PRODUCTIONS PRESENT

STAND UP COMEDY LIVE SHOW STARTS @ 10PM + $10 COVER

FRIDAY NOVEMBER 11TH

ROOTZ AND CREATION

TEOMON + STONE FROM SUPER DUB TRIBE + HAILEY MUSIC STARTS @ 10PM + $10 COVER

SATURDAY NOVEMBER 12TH

BRYAN AND FRIENDS R&B + CLASSIC ROCK

SHOW STARTS AT 9PM + $10 COVER

Go to mauitime.com/contests:

MAKE IT A MEMORABLE EVENING + DINE & DANCE AT CASANOVA FOR DINNER RESERVATIONS CALL 808.572.0220 LOG ON AT WWW.CASANOVAMAUI.COM

NOVEMBER 10, 2011 23

TheGRID

THURSDAY

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

MONDAY-WEDNESDAY

11/10

11/11

11/12

11/13

11/14 - 11/16

FIND THE GRID ONLINE AT MAUITIME.COM/GRID OR TO HAVE YOUR BUSINESS ADDED TO OUR WEEKLY GRID SEND YOUR INFORMATION TO CALENDAR@MAUITIME.COM MON - DJ Slackin’ / TUE - DJ LX / WED Ladies’ Night w/ The ADD Twins (All sets 10pm - close; no cover)

NFL Sunday BBQ

MON - Mahalo Monday Industry Night TUE - Pool League Night

DJ LX 10pm-close; no cover

Live Music 9pm-12am; no cover

Live Music 9pm-12am; no cover

Ladies’ Night / Karaoke 7pm-close; no cover

Live Music 8:30-11:30pm; no cover

Karaoke 8-11pm

Ah Tim 4-6pm; no cover

Ahumanu 4-6pm; no cover

Karaoke w/ Pearl Rose 9:15pm-12am; no cover

Gina Martinelli band 9pm-1am; $3

Karaoke w/ Pearl Rose 9pm-12am; no cover

THREE’S BAR & GRILL 1945 S Kihei Rd., Kihei - 879-3133

Kanekoa 9pm

(closed for private buyout)

Louise Lambert Band, 5-8pm / Omar & The Soultones, 9:30pm, $10

TIFFANY’S

Karaoke

Karaoke

Karaoke

Karaoke

MON through WED- Karaoke

Industry Night 9pm-2am; no cover

Undone w/ Ross Q 9:30pm-2am; $10

Spun-Out w/ DJ Calcul8 9:30pm-2am; $10

closed

MON through WED - closed

Next Level Entertainment 10pm

Jah Residentz 10pm

UH Football

NFL

MON - NFL / TUE - Thirsty Tuesdays / WED - Free Karaoke

1913 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 874-6444

DJ Slackin 10pm-close; no cover

Kanoa 10pm-close; no cover

DJ Gemini & DJ Ynot 10pm-close; no cover

SOUTH SHORE TIKI LOUNGE SPORTS PAGE GRILL & BAR 2411 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 879-0602

STEEL HORSE SALOON 1234 L. Main St., Wailuku - 243-2206

STELLA BLUES CAFE 1279 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei - 874-3779

STOPWATCH SPORTS BAR 1127 Makawao Ave., Makawao - 572-1380

1424 L. Main St., Wailuku - 249-0052

TIMBA

505 Front St, Ste. 212, Lahaina - 661-9873

WATERCRESS

Waiehu Beach Center, Wailuku-243-9350

and watch the magic. Continued from yesterday’s exhibition. See This Week’s Picks for more. 11am-1pm. Free. Lahaina Cannery Mall (1221 Honoapiilani Hwy., Lahaina); 661-5304; lahainacannerymall.com

Garrett 3-5pm; Every Fri. & Sat., Kulwewa 6-8:30pm; Every Sun. & Sat., Tim 3-5pm; Sun., Tim & Miles 6-8:30pm; Tue., Alika & Edee 6-8:30pm; Tue., Tim & Edee 6-8:30pm; Fri., Henry Kapono 5-7pm. 130 Kai Malina Pkwy., Lahaina, 662-2900

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 14 OPERATION CHRISTMAS CHILD COLLECTION WEED BEGINS TODAY - Participating in the world’s largest Christmas project of its kind, Operation Christmas Child—an effort that has hand-delivered 86 million gifts to kids worldwide since 1993—is as easy and enjoyable as filling empty shoe boxes with school supplies, toys, hygiene items and notes of encouragement for needy kids overseas. Drop off your donation to Hope Chapel (300 E. Welakahao, Kihei), Mon.-Tue. 12-4pm, Wed.-Thu., 3-7pm, Fri. 3-8pm, Sat 9am-2pm, or Sun 8am-2pm.

Call 281-8009 or visit samaritanspurse.org/occ WILLIE K AT STELLAS - This Monday kicks off a new concert series with the one and only Willie K. It’s a late night shindig, so be ready to boogie. $10. 10pm-12am. 1279. S. Kihei Rd., Kihei; 874-3779; stellablues.com

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 16 WOW! WAILEA ON WEDNESDAYS - Bobby Moderow Jr. of the award-winning band Maunalua performs live. Free. 6:30-8pm. The Shops at Wailea, 3750 Wailea Alanui Dr.; shopsatwailea.com / polynesianvillageluau.com

DINNER MUSIC WEST MAUI COOL CAT CAFE - Every Thu., Barefoot Minded; Every Fri. & Sat. Dave Caroll; Every Sun., Erin Smith & Friends; Every Mon., Peter D; Every Tue., Live Jazz; Every Wed., Jordan Cuddy.

(All sets 7:30-10pm.) Wharf Cinema Center, Front St., Lahaina, 667-0908 DUKE’S BEACH HOUSE - Duke’s Beach House - Every Mon., Tue. & Wed., Brian 3-5pm; Wed., Alika & Ron 6-8:30pm; Thu., Damien 3-5pm; Thu., Garrett & Peter 6-8:30pm; Fri.,

24 NOVEMBER 10, 2011

MON - Tom Cherry & Mike Finkewiecz, 4-6pm / Willie K 10pm-12am, $10 / TUE - Tom Conway, 4-6pm / WED - Randall Rospond, 4-6pm / SLAM feat. David Choy & Clay Mortensen, 7-10pm

MON - Audiohead, 7pm / TUE - Sushi Tuesday / WED - Blues Night w/ The House Shakers, 7pm

Lower Honoapiilani Hwy., Napili, 669-1500 VILLAGE CAFE & SWEET SHOPPE - Fri., Glenn Kakagawa and Sarah Cravalho 5:308:30pm. 2000 Village Rd., Lahaina, 665-1122

SOUTH SHORE TIKI LOUNGE - Every Thu., Erin Smith; Every Fri., Randall Rospond; Every Sat., Tom Conway; Every Sun., Viva La Rumba; Every Mon., Kanoa; Every Tue., Sebrina Barron; Every Wed, Mark Johnstone. (all sets 4-6pm.) Kihei Kalama Village, 1913 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei, 874-6444

SOUTH MAUI HULA GRILL - Wed., Alika 1:30-3:30pm; Wed., Peter DeAquino 4-6pm; Every Tue. & Wed., Ernest Pua’a & Friends 6:30-9pm; Thu., Alika 11am-1pm; Thu., Ernest Pua’a 1:303:30pm; Every Mon. & Thu., Armadillo 4-6pm; Thu., Kulwewa 6-9pm; Every Mon., Fri. & Sat., Kawika Lum Ho 1:30-3:30pm; Every Fri. & Sat., 1810 4-6pm; Fri., Kawika, Roy & Ivan 6:30-9pm; Sat., Wili Pohaku 6:30-9pm; Every Sun. & Tue., Kawika Lum Ho 11am-1pm; Sun., Ron & Ikaika 1:30-3:30pm; Sun., Derick Sebastian Trio 6-9pm; Mon., Derick Sebastian & Josh Kahula 6:30-9pm; Tue., Jarrett Roback 1:30-3:30pm; Tue., Damon & Danyel Alana 4-6pm; Every Mon., Wed. & Fri., Ernest Pua’a 11am-1pm. Whaler’s Village, 2435 Kaanapali Pwy., Bldg P, Lahaina, 667-6636

AMBROSIA - Every Thu., Jamie Gallo 7pm; Every Tue., “Glee” on the big screen 7pm; Every Wed, Red Carpet Movie Night [November is Mustache Month! This week: “Super Troopers” (2001)] 7:30pm. 1913 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei, 891-1011

LEILANI’S ON THE BEACH - Every Thu., Jarrett & Wilson; Every Fri., DJ & Friends, Every Sat., JD & Harry; Sun., Merv Oana (all sets 3-5pm). Whaler’s Village, 2435 Kaanapali Pkwy. Bldg. J, Ka’anapali, 661-4495

KAI WAIEA - Thu., Mon. & Sun., Wolf; Fri., Ryan Robinson; Sat., Kanoa; Mon., Tom Conway; Wed, Francois (all sets 6-8:30pm). 3750 Wailea Alanui, Wailea, 875-1955

LULU’S LAHAINA SURF CLUB & GRILL Every Thu., Howard Ahia 6-8pm; Fri., Marvin Tevaga 6-9pm; Every Tue, “Lahaina Idol” Karaoke w/ Troy 9pm; Every Wed, Kenny Roberts 5-8pm. Lahaina Cannery Mall, 1221 Honoapiilani Hwy. #A1, Lahaina, 661-0808

LULU’S KIHEI - Every Thu., Netto & Barbara Peraza 8-11pm; Every Fri., Ron & Rob = R2 6:30-9:30pm; Every Sat., Camp Savage 7:309:30pm; Every Sun., Kawika Ortiz, 7-9:30pm; Every Tue., Ric Scanlan 7-11pm; Every Wed, Sebrina Barron, 7-9pm. 1945 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei; 879-9944

PIONEER INN GRILL & BAR - Thu., Greg di Piazza feat. Alana Cini 5:30-8:30pm; Tue., Ah-Tim Elenicki 5:30-8:30pm; Wed, JD on the Rocks 5-8pm. 658 Wharf St., Lahaina; 661-3636 R.B. BLACK ANGUS STEAKHOUSE - Every Sun., Live jazz. 4465 Honoapiilani Hwy., Lahaina; 669-8889 SEA HOUSE RESTAURANT - Every Tue. & Fri., Kincaid Kupahu 7-9pm; Every Sun. & Thu., Andrew Kaina 7-9pm; Sat., Coehlo Morrison 7-9pm; Every Mon. & Wed, Albert Kaina 7-9pm. 5900

CAPISCHE? - Every Fri. & Sat., Mark Johnstone 7-10pm. 555 Kaukahi St., Kihei, 8792224 HAUI’S LIFE’S A BEACH - Every Thu., Junior Lacuesta 4-8pm; Every Fri., Tue. & Wed, Rick Glencross 4-8pm; Sat., Malihini Kipa 4-8pm; Every Sun. & Mon., Karaoke 8pm; Every Wed, Open Mic Night 9pm. 1913 S. Kihei Rd., #E, Kihei, 874-1250

MONSOON INDIA - Every Sat., Romantic Violin & Guitar Duets by Cambria Moss & Ricardo Dioso 6:30-8:30pm; Mon., Louise Lambert 6-9pm; Every Tue., Hula Honeys 5:30-8:30pm.

760 S. Kihei Rd., 875-6666 MULLIGAN’S ON THE BLUE - Thu., Murray Thorne 7-9pm; Fri, Lily Meola, 6:30-8:30pm; Sat., Joe Benedett 7-9pm; Every Sun., The Celtic Tigers w/ Mad Bagpiper Roger McKinley 6:30-9:30pm; Mon., Tyler Bush 6:30-8:30pm; Tue, Brenton Keith & His Bag O’ Tricks 7-8pm.

100 Kaukahi St., Wailea, 874-1131

STELLA BLUES CAFE - Every Thu., AhTim 4-6pm; Every Mon., Every Fri., Ahumanu 4-6pm; every Mon., Tom Cherry & Mike Finkeiwicz 4-6pm; Every Tue., Tom Conway 4-6pm; Every Wed, Randall Rospond 4-6pm / SLAM feat. David Choy and Clay Mortensen 7-10pm.

1279 South Kihei Rd., # 201, Kihei, 874-3779 THREE’S BAR & GRILL - Every Sun., Gina Martinelli Band 7pm; Every Mon., Audiohead 7pm; Every Wed, Blues Night w/ The House Shakers 7pm. 1945 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei; 879-3133 TRADEWINDS POOLSIDE CAFE - Every Thu., Island Favorites with Kawika Lum Ho; Every Fri., Girls Night Out with Gina Martinelli; Every Sat., Classic Rock with Dominic; Every Sun., Rob & Ron = R2; Every Mon., Bobby Ingram & Friends; Every Tue., Mike and Mark; Every Wed, Steve Sargenti. (all sets 6-9pm.)

2259 S. Kihei Rd., Kihei, 891-8860

CENTRAL MAUI ALE HOUSE - Thu., Clay Mortensen 5-8pm.

Every Fri., Braddah Francis 4-8pm; Every Mon., Terri Garrison 4-7pm, Open Mic Night with Terri Garrison 9pm; Every Tue., Braddah Francis 4-7pm. 355 E. Kamehameha Ave., Kahului, 877-9001 CARY & EDDIE’S HIDEAWAY - Every Thu.Sun. & Tue, piano w/ Francois 6pm-close. Every Sun., guitar with Fausto 9am-1pm. 500 N. Puunene Ave., Kahului; 873-6555

UPCOUNTRY MAUI CAFE DES AMIS - Every Thu., Joe Conte plays The Chapman Stick; Every Sat., live Argentinian music; Every Wed, The Stone Violets 6:308:30pm. 42 Baldwin Ave., Paia, 579-6323 HANA HOU - Every Tue., Hipnautical feat.

Bobbie Jo and Roger 6-9pm. 810 Haiku Rd., Haiku, 463-8193

THE A-TRAIN FRIDAYS 3-9PM K-ROCK 97.3

FRIDAY AFTERNOON IS THE MOST POSITIVE, HOPE FILLED PORTION OF THE WEEK. SO HANG OUT WITH JOHNNY A AND SOAK UP THE GREAT VIBES, THE LAUGHTER, THE FREE STUFF, AND (OF COURSE) THE GREATEST ROCK AND ROLL EVER CREATED.

MAUI MA M AU A UII U MEDIA DIIIA D A USERS GROUP U P PANELISTS

Thursday, November 24, 2011 4:00PM-6:30PM JEFF BENNET @DIGITALSPLASH

Malcom Center

LIZA PIERCE @AMAUIBLOG

Kihei, HI 96753

FREE (Not Catered)

*Seating Limited to 30 JEN RUSSO @JENRUSSO @MAUITIME ME

PETER LIU @PETERLIU47

TOMMY RUSSO @TOMMYRUSSO

REGISTER ONLINE AT: hightechmaui.com/programs/workshops.cfm

NOVEMBER 10, 2011 25

FILM

The Director Clint Eastwood’s J. Edgar is mostly talky and bland

BY BARRY WURST II

J.Edgar

★★★★★

Rated R/140 Minutes

J.

Edgar, Clint Eastwood’s latest film as a director, is one of his least interesting films, an unmemorable movie about a most eventful individual. Eastwood is the John Huston of my generation: like Huston, his greatest films are untouchable classics. His range as an actor has always been limited but, in the right role, he’s sensationally good and even his lesser films demonstrate a filmmaker who fearlessly tries anything and boasts a filmography that’s both eclectic and astonishingly versatile.

I’ve been watching Eastwood’s movies my whole life, have an autographed Firefox poster and was one of the few who admired his uneven but impressive Hereafter last year.

Yet, even Eastwood’s recent Changeling, set during the same era, is a far more gripping film than his latest effort.

Leonardo DiCaprio stars as J. Edgar

Hoover, portrayed as a socially awkward mamma’s boy who climbs the ranks at the FBI to Director by maintaining a spotless record, pulling off some newsworthy feats and advancing criminal investigation techniques, all the while generally annoying everyone he meets. The film’s most amusing scene is Hoover’s failed attempt to court a secretary (Naomi Watts) who, instead, becomes his assistant and confidant for life.

Out of the public eye is Hoover’s attraction to an obviously interested colleague (Armie Hammer), whereupon Hoover struggles to keep the relationship platonic. Being raised by an angrily homophobic mother (Judi Dench), Hoover’s sexual desires torture him during his life and career.

This extensive bio has lots to admire but never fully connects. So overstuffed with flash backs and flashbacks within flashbacks, it never develops its own rhythm. DiCaprio’s performance gets better as the film progresses but it’s still an uphill climb: his heavyhanded narration with a just-shy of Dr. Evil voice, is a hindrance. His old age make-up is as impressive as everyone else’s, but he’s best playing the role as a younger man, as the older Hoover looks uncannily like Phillip Sey-

MAUI NEWS WITH MAUITIME FLAVOR

.com

26 NOVEMBER 10, 2011

mour Hoffman. Watts does what she can with the long suffering secretary role and she’s the strongest in the cast when covered in aging make-up, never sounding like a young person covered in latex.

Lots of rich historical incidents pop up, like the kidnapping of the Lindbergh baby, the introduction of advanced investigative sciences (like using fingerprints to solve crimes), and the rise of President Richard Nixon (played by an actor who looks nothing at all like Tricky Dick). Eastwood’s production team has nailed the look of the varying time periods but the film lacks any of the directorial fire that elevated the similar Hoffa, Nixon or Public Enemies.

The big question of how far Eastwood was willing to go in portraying Hoover’s rumored closeted homosexuality can be summed up in two words: just barely. DiCaprio even puts on a dress in one scene but the issue is shied away from and feels more like a narrative afterthought. The relationship between Hoover and his equally closeted suitor is an intriguing display of concealed desire but comes across as one-note. The scenes that attempt to tackle Hoover’s secret desires are half baked and feel out of place in such a talky,

In this acting exercise, Leo mimes pooping.

bland movie.

Eastwood’s piano-driven music score is pretty but out of place: the simple, quiet main theme was likely meant to illustrate Hoover’s isolated demeanor, but the music only makes the 140-minute running time more sleep inducing than exhilarating. DiCaprio is typically intense and works hard to pull off arguably the most challenging role of his career but too often, you can spot the young man underneath the make-up. ■ To share or save this article, type: mt.hy.pr/1521f

FILM

Showtimes

WHERE AND WHEN TO WATCH WHAT

BY ANU YAGI

FRONT STREET THEATER 900 Front Street, Lahaina, 249-2222 (Matinees) A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas - R THU (4:15), 7:10, 9:45. FRI-SUN (1:40), 4:30, 7:15, 9:35. MON-WED (4:30), 7:15, 9:35.

Footloose - PG13 - THU 3:45, 9:15.

Immortals (2D) - R - FRI-SUN (1:45), 4:40, 7:20, 9:55. MON-WED (4:40), 7:20, 9:55.

In Time - PG13 - THU (4:05), 7:05, 9:35. FRISUN (1:15), 4:00, 7:00, 9:30. MON-WED (4:00), 7:00, 9:30.

The Three Musketeers (2D) - PG13 - THU 6:45.

Tower Heist - PG13 - THU (4:15), 7:10, 9:45.

FRI-SUN (1:30), 4:15, 7:05, 9:40. MON-WED (4:15), 7:05, 9:40.

MAUI MALL MEGAPLEX Maui Mall, 249-2222 (Matinees) A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas - R THU (2:10, 4:45), 7:10, 9:45. FRI-SUN (11:55, 2:25), 4:40, 7:10, 9:45. MON-WED (2:25, 4:40), 7:10, 9:45.

Footloose - PG13 - THU (1:15, 3:50), 6:40, 9:15. FRI-SUN (1:15), 3:50, 6:40, 9:15. MONWED (1:15, 3:50), 6:40, 9:15.

The Ides of March - R - THU (1:25, 4:05), 6:35, 9:10.

Immortals (2D) - R - FRI-SUN (11:35, 2:10), 4:45, 7:20, 9:55. MON-WED (2:10, 4:45), 7:20, 9:55.

Immortals (3D) - R - FRI-SUN (1:40), 4:15, 6:50, 9:25. MON-WED (1:40, 4:15), 6:50, 9:25.

In Time - PG13 - THU (1:50, 2:20, 4:15, 4:55), 7:00, 7:30, 9:20, 9:55. FRI-SUN (11:45, 2:20), 4:55, 7:25, 9:50. MON-WED (2:20, 4:55), 7:25, 9:50.

Jack and Jill - PG - FRI-SUN (11:50, 12:20, 2:05, 2:35), 4:20, 4:50, 6:35, 7:05, 8:50, 9:20.

MON-WED (2:05, 2:35, 4:20, 4:50), 6:35, 7:05,

NEW THIS WEEK IMMORTALS - R - Action - A slew of uber-hotties battle for humanity in a flick loosely based on the Greek myths of Theseus, Minotaur and Titanomachy. Brought to you by the director of The Cell and The Fall (Tarsem Sighn), plus the producers of 300 (Mark Canton, Gianni Nunnari and Ryan Kavanaugh). 110 min.

J. EDGAR - PG 13 - Drama - See this week’s Film Critique. 140 min.

JACK AND JILL - PG - Comedy - Dear Adam Sandler: I don’t care if “it ain’t pretty” is (somehow) the point. This is just annoying... Dear Everyone Else: if you want to see comedy that straddles the line between -ian and -ienne, you’re best-off Googling Eddie Izzard or The Kids in the Hall, capiche? 106 min.

8:50, 9:20.

Johnny English Reborn - PG - THU (1:55, 4:10), 6:30.

Killer Elite - R - THU 9:05.

Puss in Boots (2D) - PG - THU (2:15, 4:30, 5:00), 6:45, 9:00, 9:25. FRI-SUN (12:00, 2:15), 4:30, 6:45, 9:00. MON-WED (2:15, 4:30), 6:45, 9:00.

Puss In Boots (3D) - PG - THU (1:45, 2:45, 4:00), 6:15, 7:15, 8:30. FRI-SUN (11:30, 1:45), 4:00, 6:15, 8:30. MON-WED (1:45, 4:00), 6:15, 8:30.

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse - PG13 - TUE 7:45.

The Three Musketeers (2D) - PG13 - THU (1:40, 4:20), 6:55, 9:30. FRI-SUN (1:30), 4:25, 6:55, 9:30. MON-WED (1:30, 4:25), 6:55, 9:30.

Tower Heist - PG13 - THU (2:05, 2:35, 4:35, 5:05), 7:05, 7:35, 9:35, 10:00. FRI-SUN (11:40, 12:05, 2:00, 2:30), 4:35, 5:00, 7:15, 7:35, 9:35, 10:00. MON (2:00, 2:30, 4:35, 5:00), 7:15, 7:35, 9:35, 10:00. TUE (2:00, 2:30, 4:35, 5:00), 7:35, 10:00. WED (2:00, 2:30, 4:35, 5:00), 7:15, 7:35, 9:35, 10:00.

KUKUI MALL 1819 South Kihei Road, 1-800-326-3264 (Matinees: every day until 4pm) Immortals (2D) - R - FRI-SAT 11:15, 1:45, 4:30, 7:00, 9:30. SUN 11:15, 1:45, 4:30, 7:00. MONWED 1:45, 4:30, 7:00.

In Time - PG13 - THU 1:00, 3:30, 6:00, 8:30.

Jack and Jill - PG - FRI-SAT 11:00, 1:15, 3:30, 5:45, 7:50, 10:00. SUN 11:00, 1:15, 3:30, 5:45, 7:50. MON-WED 1:00, 3:30, 5:45, 7:50.

Margin Call - R - THU 1:25, 3:45, 6:05, 8:20, 10:35.

Puss in Boots (2D) - PG - THU 1:15, 3:30, 5:45, 7:50, 10:00. FRI-SAT 11:05, 1:20, 3:20, 5:30, 7:45, 9:50. SUN 11:05, 1:20, 3:20, 5:30, 7:45.

MON 1:20, 3:20 5:30, 7:45. TUE 1:20, 3:20, 5:30, 7:45. WED 1:20, 3:20, 5:30, 7:45.

make. Maybe both. 113 min.

MARGIN CALL - R - Drama - A financial collapse flick loosely based on the Lehman Brothers debacle, starring Kevin Spacey, Paul Bettany and Jeremy Irons. Industry folk call this an “independent film,” which means “blink and you’ll miss it in theaters.”

107 min.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 3 - R - Horror - A prequel to (you guessed it!) Paranormal Activity and Paranormal Activity 2. 84 min.

PUSS IN BOOTS - PG - Animation - C’mon, who doesn’t love sword fighting pussy? (PS: Puss in Boots is to Shrek as Frasier is to Seinfeld.) 90 min.

THE IMMORTALS

Tower Heist - PG13 - THU 1:05, 3:30, 6:00, 9:45. FRI-SAT 11:30, 1:55, 4:15, 7:15, 9:45.

SUN 11:30, 1:55, 4:15, 7:15. MON-WED 1:55, 4:15, 7:15.

KA’AHUMANU 6 Queen Ka’ahumanu Shopping Center, 1-800-326-3264 (Matinees: every day until 4pm) Anonymous - PG13 - THU 11:00, 1:45, 4:30, 7:15, 10:00. FRI-SAT 10:50, 1:40, 4:25, 7:10, 9:55. SUN-WED 10:50, 1:40, 4:25, 7:10.

Dolphin Tale (2D) - PG - THU 12:00, 2:30, 5:00.

FRI-SAT 11:05, 1:45, 4:25, 7:30, 10:00. SUNWED 11:30.

J. Edgar - R - FRI-SAT 10:30, 1:25, 4:20, 7:15, 10:10. SUN-WED 11:00, 1:55, 4:50, 7:45.

Margin Call - R - FRI-SAT 2:00, 4:30, 7:00, 9:30.

SUN-WED 2:00, 4:30, 7:00.

Paranormal Activity 3 - R - THU 12:15, 2:15, 4:15, 6:15, 8:15, 9:35, 10:15. FRI-SAT 11:35, 1:30, 3:20, 5:15, 7:25, 9:40. SUN-WED 11:35,

REAL STEEL - PG 13 - Action - The artist formerly known as Wolverine makes a shady living in the biz of amateur robot boxing. Barry Wurst II says, “While the film is predictable, it isn’t stupid.”

128 min.

THE RUM DIARY - R - Drama - Hunter S. Thompson + Johnny Depp + Booze = Awesome! 122 min.

THE THREE MUSKETEEERS - PG 13 - Action - Apparently, Hollywood can turn even candy bars into premises. Kidding! Obviously based on the legendary novel by Alexandre Dumas, this movie’s chock-full of handsome boys and girls playing with swords and hearts. 110 min.

NOW SHOWING ANONYMOUS - PG 13 - Costume Drama Shakespeare’s an illiterate murderer! But you’ve known that since your 6th grade English class...

130 min.

FOOTLOOSE - PG 13 - Fantasy - Either Kevin Bacon isn’t kosher with today’s kids or Hollywood’s binged-and-purged another toothless re-

658 Front Street, 249-2222 (Matinees) In Time - PG13 - THU (4:00), 7:00, 9:30.

Jack and Jill - PG - FRI-SUN (1:45), 4:30, 7:15, 9:30. MON-WED (1:45, 4:0), 7:15, 9:30.

Paranormal Activity 3 - R - THU (1:45, 4:30), 7:15, 9:30.

Puss in Boots (2D) - PG - THU (2:00, 4:15), 7:00, 9:15. FRI-SUN (2:00), 4:15, 7:00, 9:15.

MON-WED (2:00, 4:15), 7:00, 9:15.

Real Steel - PG13 - THU (1:00, 4:00), 7:05, 9:50. FRI-SUN (1:00), 4:00, 7:05, 9:50. MONWED (1:00, 4:00), 7:05, 9:50.

TOWER HEIST - PG 13 - Comedy - This movie about Wall Street Ponzi scheme-revenge stars Eddie Murphy as a petty crook, Gabourey Sidibe (Precious) as a Jamaican maid, and Michael Pena (Crash) as Enrique the bellhop. Meanwhile, Alan Alda’s a billionaire, Ben Stiller’s a building manager, Matthew Broderick’s an investor and Tea Leoni’s a special agent. We’re assuming the opening sequence is simply a recital of the Willie Lynch letter.

104 min.

IN TIME - PG 13 - Sci Fi - In the future, to avoid overpopulation, humans are engineered to only live to age 26. The rich can buy longer lives and the poor can negotiate for more. Talk about a quarterlife crisis! Justin Timberlake and Olivia Wilde star.

109 min.

THE IDES OF MARCH - R - Political Drama Adapted from the 2008 play Farragut North, which is loosly based on Howard Dean’s unsuccessful bid for the 2004 Democratic presidential nomination. (If you’re having diffculty remembering Dean, we’ll remind you of the ‘Dean Scream’ media gaffe. What a hoot!) Directed by George Clooney. Starring Clooney, Ryan Gosling, Marisa Tomei, Paul Giamatti and Philip Seymour Hoffman. 101 min.

13 - Fantasy - Team Jacob, bitches! 124 min.

DOLPHIN TALE - PG - Family - Based on the true story of Winter, a maimed dolphin who gets a progressive prosthetic tail. 128 min.

WHARF CINEMA CENTER

LAST CHANCE

THE TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE (2010) - PG

A VERY HAROLD & KUMAR 3D CHRISTMAS - R - Comedy - Jesus, is it Christmas already?

Look, we’re only laughing because of all the tetrahydrocannabinol. Thanks, but we’ll puff, puff, pass.

105 min.

1:30, 3:20, 5:15, 7:25.

Real Steel - PG13 - THU 10:45, 11:30, 1:30, 2:15, 4:15, 5:00, 7:00, 7:45, 9:45, 10:30. FRISAT 11:30, 2:15, 5:00, 7:40, 10:25. SUN-WED 11:30, 2:15, 5:00, 7:40.

The Rum Diary - R - FRI-SAT 11:05, 1:45, 4:25, 7:30, 10:00. SUN-WED 11:05, 1:45, 4:25, 7:30.

JOHNNY ENGLISH REBORN - PG - Comedy Rowan Atkinson (you know, Mr. Bean) stars in a spy spoof. 101 min.

THE RUM DIARY

KILLER ELITE - R - Action - Jason Statham, Clive Owen and Robert De Niro star in a flick that’s sure to be replete with ‘splosions. 106 min. ■

To share or save this article, type: mt.hy.pr/1520ft

NOVEMBER 10, 2011 27

KULA KID

Insane in the Membrane

BY ANU YAGI

H

SEAN MICHAEL HOWER

808.250.1788 HOWER PHOTO.COM

CHECK OUT WEDDING PHOTOS & VIDEOS PLES HER SAMPLES HERE

®

ello, from the Land of the Common Cold.

I’m sure you’d prefer a greeting from the Land of the Lost, or even the arteryclogging Land O’ Lakes, but I’ve gotta work with what I’ve got, OK? And right now I’m working with the sensation of having shoved every piece of broken HI-5 glass into my ears, nose and throat so that my facial orifices will forever ooze aching tears. Damn those cute rhinos! (Kidding. I like rhinoceroses, but dislike acute rhinoviruses.)

I’ve spent the last few days hobbling like a hunched Skeksis from The Dark Crystal, back and forth between the bathroom when—lungs conspiring against every breath—I must hole-in-one great green golf balls of mucus down the drain. Or, when spreading malaise about the office, hock ‘em into an empty root beer can: the con-

having da hanabatas.

So, Wiki starts out by saying that mucus is produced by mucus cells found in mucus glands. Riveting, I know.

It gets better. Wiki goes on to say that “it is a viscous colloid” (i.e. “a substance microscopically dispersed evenly throughout another one”) which “contain[s] antiseptic enzymes such as lysozyme, proteins such as lactoferrin, glycoproteins known as mucins… immunoglobulins, and inorganic salts.” And further, that “the average human body produces about a liter of mucus per day.”

Alright, now we’re getting somewhere!

Ooh, ooh. Here are few more fascinating tidbits: • “[Various] invertebrates also produce external mucus… (that) may play a role in communication.”

I’m working with the sensation of having shoved every piece of broken HI-5 glass into my ears, nose and throat so that my facial orifices will forever ooze aching tears.

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summate clickety-clacker’s equivalent of a trucker pissing in a bottle.

As is the case with most bad things, I’m getting pretty good at it. There’s no such thing as bogeys for my boogies; and if there was a Mucus Masters, I’d be sporting a jacket the color of my loogies.

It’s the sort of nasty feeling that makes you think that other nasty feelings—heartbreak, crushing disappointment, chemotherapy—really aren’t that bad. That is, if you can manage to think at all.

But what I can’t help but think is how impressed I am by human mucus membranes.

How the heck are they so productive?

Where does it all come from?

Enter the omnipotent Internet. When modern man’s sick, he’s but a couple clicks away from the latest, greatest miracle pharmaceutical or long-lost remedy of Amazonian lore (just be wary of contracting hypochondriasis). Of course, to rest and ingest loads of liquids is the only real fix; but in lieu of that (and so that I can quickly finish this issue and crawl back into bed), I’m going to fix myself on the topic of

• “mucus does not digest in the intestinal tract, so mucus commonly appears in fecal matter whether its origin is from the intestines, or swallowed” • “[M]ucus protects the olfactory epithelium and allows odors to dissolve so that they can be detected by olfactory receptor neurons.”

Speaking of hanabatas, back in my hanabata days (an equivalent Pidgin term is “small kid times”) I read a letter to The Tick in an early issue of Nickelodeon Magazine that chastised the grossness of opening-up Kleenex wads once you’ve blown into them, to inspect your boogers. Since then, I adopted a no-look rule. But from all this Googling, it turns out, looking at snot says a lot: • White or clear mucus may indicate an allergy, acid reflux, or excessive dairy consumption.

• Yellow mucus may indicate a viral infection. Dark yellow mucus may indicate a chest infection like pneumonia or bronchitis.

Dark yellow phlegm may indicate an infec-

tion of the lower respiratory tract. Light yellow phlegm may indicate an infection of the upper respiratory tract.

• Green mucus may indicate bacterial infection. Green mucus is so-colored by an enzyme found in white blood cells called myeloperoxidases. Since white blood cells attract/attack bacteria more than they do viruses, green mucus is typically an indication of bacterial infection.

• Blood-streaked phlegm can be common with bronchitis, or may be indication of a raw throat or lungs, and so is common with smokers. But if you can’t chalk it up to cancer sticks, don’t be fooled into thinking you’re hacking up blood and on the verge of death—sometimes food dyes (e.g. cherry lozenges, Kool-Aid, Red Vines) can scarlet your spit—and thus, your mucus. However, if it is indeed blood—especially if the blood is excessive—it could be something really serious like tuberculosis. (I had bloody mucus once and it turned out to be leukemia, so you never know.) Also, pink mucus can be common with asthmatics.

• Brown or Gray—Typically caused by smoking, pollution or dirt (especially if the texture’s grainy).

Enough yaking about yuk. What can we learn from all this? Well, in as far as fixing the ick goes, not much more than we knew from the onset: We already know to avoid histamines which cause inflammatory immune responses. We know to avoid dairy products (casein is a protein in mammalian milk– which is also used to make glue). And we know that mucous harbors bacteria, so like the goopy stuff from the nether region, spit–don’t swallow.

Yawn. All that’s even more boring than being consigned to bed without the wherewith all to read or watch TV. I suppose there’s always robo-tripping (you know, recreationally overdosing on cough medicine), just to make things more interesting. I mean, who cares about risks like erectile dysfunction, diarrhea and death?

Whatever. All this mucous is muddying up my brain and I’m due to putt another planet of sputum into my trusty root beer can. Polite golf claps are appreciated.

So consider this column sealed with an infected kiss. And if I survive, I’ll see you next week: same time, same place–just hopefully a little healthier. ■ To read more Kula Kid with links and photos and stuff, and to leave comments, visit mauifeed.com/kulakid

anu@mauitime.com

To share or save: mt.hy.pr/1521k

HOROSCOPE

Sign Language

BY CAERIEL CRESTIN SCORPIO (OCT. 23-NOV. 21)

You think you know what digging deep means, but the truth is you have reserves of strength to draw upon which have simply never occurred to you. It may not be your usual pattern to look outside yourself for sources of support and power, but sometimes, when you’re feeling weak or lost, they’re your best assets. You may not quite believe that these people are really able or willing to be there for you—but they are. Probably the only way you’ll really buy it is if you give them a chance to step up and come through. This week, try that.

SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 21)

You’re famously easygoing and flexible, but sometimes there’s just no room for compromise. You can be either here or there, but there’s no common ground between the two points; in fact, there’s probably just a yawning chasm there, with no place to safely stand. That means that with this disagreement one of you is simply going to have to bend and come around to accepting the other’s point of view. This might be one of those agree-todisagree situations, leaving this decision tabled indefinitely. But if that’s not the case—if you must come to terms now—you need to decide whether or not one of you will relent and join the other’s camp. If you’re 100% positive that’ll never happen, you may have no choice but to simply walk away.

QUIZunderstood ANSWERS ...to questions on page 7

simply have to learn and do for yourself.

1: D–$135 million TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20)

You’re a traditionalist, so you generally look for reasonably conventional solutions to your problems. However, sometimes the best answers lie well outside the box. That’s certainly the case this week. Will you settle for a half-assed temporary fix to your difficulties, just because it’s something familiar and relatively easy? Or will you have the creativity and courage to find the answers that will resolve this stuff once and for all, in a much more satisfying way? I hope so—because if you don’t, you’ll just be back exactly here in a few months’ time. Don’t stubbornly settle for the familiar stopgap measure. Seek out the real solution, no matter where it lies.

2: B–“Our forecast is for gains as we move into 2012, but not at a pace that will lead to rapid improvement in economic conditions.”

3: C–American Dream Movement members asking people to move their money to credit unions and community banks.

GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 20)

You’re not afraid of crazy, so plenty of the people in your life possess entertaining doses of quirky wackiness. However, there are times when their idiosyncrasies boil over into truly obnoxious annoyances. Try not to get too worked up about it; after all, you knew this potential when you invited these people into your life. That doesn’t mean you need to let their wild sides make a mess of things for you; luckily, instead of reacting with fear or anger, there’s a way to inject rationality, grace, and humor into the situation, as weird as it might be. Find it.

CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN. 19)

When the unexpected happens, you often feel responsible, even if you actually had nothing to do with it (except via the most roundabout and convoluted reasoning). There’s not much you can do when someone behaves badly, except cope with the fallout with grace, compassion, and most importantly, humor.

That’s your job this week—no more, no less. Don’t take on anything that’s not really yours. Just clean up the mess and try to make people smile while you do so. Succeed, and it’ll make this chapter one you’ll look back on with fondness instead of horror.

AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18)

I don’t blame you for not liking the strings you found attached to some generosity you gratefully accepted recently. To be fair, the givers should have made their expectations more obvious or transparent before they made their offer, but now that it’s done, your choices are limited. You can call them on their slightly shady behavior, but that would involve also giving back what you received, and probably damaging your relationship to boot.

The alternative, unfortunately, may be just as lame: giving them what they want, gracefully and without resentment. Like it or not, those are your best-case outcomes. Don’t waste a lot of time trying to concoct a third, more palatable one. Just pick one and get on with it.

CANCER (JUNE 21-JULY 22)

Sometimes you worry about how the truth could change things.

Since you infamously resist change, you’re sometimes reluctant to reveal stuff that could rock the boat or otherwise change things up. I understand your anxiety about what such revelations could do to your life. However, biting your tongue in this situation from fear of the fallout from your words isn’t ethical, and you wouldn’t feel good about it later. That means when it comes time to speak the truth—and you’ll know it when the time comes—you must bolster your courage and simply do so.

LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22)

I love your big heart, Leo. It’s one of your most wonderful qualities. You Lions are unfailingly generous when you can afford to be—or think you can afford to be. Learning to tell the difference is a tricky lesson, but in these hard times you can’t afford to help everyone who asks, at least not to the degree they probably need. This isn’t about putting yourself first. In fact, putting others first is still a wonderful thing to do. But include yourself in the big picture, lest you be the one asking for help the next time around.

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VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEPT. 22) PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20)

You Fish are wonderfully sweet but notoriously clueless about how some other people’s minds work. Guessing what someone’s thinking or feeling can be extremely difficult for you, and in the past has led to some embarrassing gaffes. So stop guessing, particularly because even your best guesses this week are probably going to be so far off base that it’s almost funny. As intuitive as you often are, you’re no mind reader. If you want to know what’s going on inside someone’s head, you need to quit trying to figure it out on your own and just ask them.

There are certain things you can accelerate just by putting that intention forward and being efficient. Other things, however, simply can’t (or shouldn’t) be rushed. This thing is basically a pregnancy; it will take as long as it takes, and you actually don’t want it to be over early. Therefore you must be patient and bide your time and let things ripen as they’re supposed to. I know that just sitting idle and waiting isn’t your style, but you’ve got to do it anyway, because trying to make things unfold faster will only yield an outcome you quite simply don’t want.

LIBRA (SEPT. 23-OCT. 22)

ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19)

You like to give people what they want, and so when they ask nicely, it’s sometimes ridiculously hard for you to say no—even when what they want is something you’d really rather not part with, or would regret losing once it was gone. Being so generous is mostly a wonderful quality, but you need to be careful about learning your limits and saying, “I’m sorry, I can’t,” when necessary. Unfortunately, no one can teach you where this line lies or how to enforce those boundaries. It’s something you

Being fabulously wealthy would be great. Even if you’re not, neither are you as poor as you think you are. It’s important to enjoy yourself in a deeper way than you have been, once in a while. This is about high-quality fun. You expend a lot of your resources on little things (and part of happiness right now is enjoying those little things), but occasionally your soul could do with a nice big extravagant splurge. You can afford it, even if means you must tighten your belt slightly in other areas. Do so; it’s worth it.

sign.language.astrology@gmail.com

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