Letters i said to the winds when i couldn't @marwarifai

Letters I Said to The Winds When I Couldn’t (2019/2020)

by marwa el rifai

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“these voices take me to a place without a word, to an outer space cleansed and suddenly chased by these demons i had to replace everything i went through is kept in a phase in a book, on a shelf, a word i had to taste”

marwarifai 2020

© All rights reserved

sometimes i forget that i have a voice that i can actually say something that i can pen my thoughts down i forget that someone out there is looking and seeing and feeling and touching my voice, just because it matters just because it makes them new

i forget that speech and words are a gift i forget that being silent is a misdeed sometimes

i forget at times of discomfort and tragedy life offers us a voice, and how this voice can make a difference how it could transform shape and mold a whole upcoming generation

how this particular voice holds honor, wisdom and creation i forget i have a voice sometimes, sometimes––this voice forgets me”

i can hold onto to the moments longer and yet i could still let them go i have learnt that it’s not worth the hunger of letting your fears to grow

i somehow came out of the dark and yet i could feel the loneliness though of not having anyone to spark not having anything to show

why do i have to question everything? i really don’t know maybe i should start worshiping or maybe i should outgrow

i don’t want to hold onto things longer i really just want to let go i only learnt how to be stronger i came here just to say hello”

i wonder how the birds spend their days full of freedom, full of grace i envy their wings, i even envy their ways of living life, of marking their stays i wonder if they care how they spend their days

i wonder if they see life–– if they see it as a phase how joyful it must be to feel the rays touching your skin, oh the days

i long to be a bird, a bird that would fly away to feel the cold air, to feel the haze could you let me go? could you let me raise my wings? i really want to try it, i really want to fly away

i wonder if they’ll welcome me, i wonder if they praise the life they’re in, the life i can’t seem to phrase i wonder, i wonder how the birds spend their days i wonder, and i still wonder if it’s okay to fly away”

it’s morning and i don’t know what to do maybe i’ll eat, maybe i’ll make my bed new i have nothing to worry about, i have no where to go maybe it’s okay to do nothing, i really don’t know i don’t have to go anywhere, anyway it’s raining why am i writing this, why am i even complaining?

this life is to be lived just once go out there, go have fun maybe i’ll leave my bed or maybe i’ll eat”

eventually ill lay in my bed in my death bed with white roses around ill have my worries covered in ice, they freeze ill have my deeds covered in a nice scent they save me ill have my fears elevating my soul they fly into thin air my people are not around but they remember my smile i forget, i forgive and i surrender i’ll lay in my bed with nothing in mind ill eventually lay there freezing, whitely covered, full of scent eventually i’ll lay in my bed in my death bed”

maybe if i let go enough i’d understand my purpose maybe if i made more stuff i’ll recognize my service maybe if life gets tough it would all be worth it maybe if life slows up i wouldn’t be so nervous”

these voices take me to a place without a word, to an outer space cleansed and suddenly chased by these demons i had to replace everything i went through is kept in a phase in a book, on a shelf, a word i had to taste left alone without a single misbehave trying to figure out what i had to face is it me or is it this endless maze? that keeps tracking my soul in a circular haze is it real or is this mess always my case? never figured it out, please, hand me that trace where did i go wrong, wasting my precious days? leaving God on hold, without a single praise i don’t know where to start or how to end this phrase perhaps, someday, somehow ill find my way i cant lie, that seems a long road astray to un-feel what i felt is a long way to un-hold what i held onto is as hard as i can say i don’t know how to word this, all i can do is pray that these waves would just sit there and lay beside my skin and yours in a merciful way all i can see now are these clouds that left me all gray probably because i had to learn my lessons the hard way caught in the middle wishing my thoughts would just walk away from all these illusions that made me believe you would stay now––that I’m alone all i need is a split of grace from any soul that recognizes your pretty face but, i am not even close to be done with this rhyme of chase because, i was left alone without a single phrase and, from that moment on, i knew that i was signed up for a change”

i really don’t know where to start but i would begin by saying i appreciate your heart the love you send me the love that stays in my art

i really don’t deserve much but i can give you a part of my soul too, if you’d like you could also rip it apart in any way you’d like, but you could start with the love i have for you the love that keeps me depart

would it be easier for you if i gave you a chart? a list of how you could hurt me? of how you could tear me apart?

i could give you a sign, a signal on where to start i might even help you hurt me in any way, in any part just begin just begin with my heart”

i don’t let sadness visit me often, i try to stay away from it as much as possible and i wouldn’t let it in. i don’t let sadness visit me often and maybe thats wrong. i don’t let it visit me because i am afraid once it’s in me it won’t come out. i try to stay away from sadness so much that sometimes it calls upon me and i don’t listen to it. i don’t let sadness visit me often and now thats a bad thing. i realized that i have to listen to it when it calls me, i have to welcome it when it needs to. but no matter how much i resist not feeling sadness, i know that the only way to not let sadness visit me often is to just let it in”

i’m running, i’m running i don’t know what i’m running to i have my people with me, i have to let them to know that i love them, that they matter too that they are the reason i’m alive the reason i get to walk, the reason i get to question, the reason i’m running to chase something, but i don’t really know what i’m running to i’m not running from myself i’m just running to see what life really offers, to see what is there too i tell myself it’s normal to feel this motion inside it’s normal to keep running to chase something, that’s bigger than me and bigger than you too

i’m at the running track, i’m running there too i’m almost at the finish line, but i don’t really know what i’m running to i might never know what i’m running for i might never know what i’m running to but i have faith that my running will take me to a place, a place more of You, a place to see, a place to go through, every emotion, every laughter too

i have faith that i’ll reach there i have faith to where i’m running to don’t tell me to stop running don’t try to tell me to stop running to this something i’m chasing, this something is chasing me too”

there are always decisions waiting for me to be made i know they’re waiting for me to take a step, to be displayed i can feel the decisions calling me calling me by my own name i feel them, real intense, wishing i’d be less afraid of making the wrong turn, of going the wrong way

there are always things waiting for me, waiting for my trade some wish i’d come sooner, some even wish i stayed longer, sometimes i feel them coming my way

i don’t know how to act sometimes, so i stay in shade where nothing could hurt me, where nothing is disobeyed i can sense the decisions, i can sense them when they feel delayed

they get offended, they feel like they’re being played

i have to convince them sometimes, i have to persuade why i am doing what i’m doing and why i feel like i want to be portrayed as a human, a human that always felt astray they’re still waiting as i am they’re still waiting, waiting in retrograde”

everything is relative success, happiness, time everything goes in cycles i have life, i have money, i have time

everything grows slowly why do i question, why do i question time? everything is constantly evolving but why do i feel like i’m stuck in time?

everything is relative success, happiness, time i don’t want to compare a life a life that’s not mine

everything here is accomplished but why, why do i still question time? everything has already been written written way back in time

everything is laid out all i have to do is work, work in time everything is relative success, happiness, time”

i somehow have faith in the things that i’m doing i trust that things will fall together knowing that i need to work hard i’m not really sure where i’m going but that won’t ever stop me from growing i have faith that somehow i’ll reach wherever i’m going i truly want to make a difference i really hope i’d be showing any person that they could be reaching something not knowing what it is, but the pursuit is what matters, the pursuit is what keeps me going

i trust that life has the best interest in me i trust life’s flowing ways and that has nothing to do with me, it’s all undergoing a certain truth, a destiny i’ve yet to be bestowing i have faith in things i’m doing it only matters it only matters that i keep going”

i see the big picture

i feel it, i touch it, i could smell it

i see the bigger picture of how my life is how it could turn out, why it is the way it is

i see the bigger picture, yet i’m still here thinking, struggling, dissecting my future

i see the bigger picture, its staring at me i see the bigger picture here, now, right in front of me, i see it

it’s wondering why do i still question why do i complain, i could see the picture i could almost hear it too, calling me telling me to stop worrying, to just stop

the bigger picture is here right now i wonder if i could frame it somehow i see the picture, solid, firm, standing unbothered, carefree, silent

i see the bigger picture in all senses i could see it staring, maybe laughing at my emotions, my trembles, my fears

it’s there, the picture, the bigger picture it’s there, it’s perfect, i have no words for it maybe i’m delusional, maybe i’m lost but the bigger picture is here, i see it

i understand it, the bigger picture is here i can see the bigger picture”

often, i think about you too often often i take care of you often you’re insignificant often time goes by often”

it’s moving, it really is, life is moving maybe i should be moving with it too it’s moving i don’t know how to act but truly inside i could play with it, it’s playing me too i genuinely hope i would be able a good human, a friend that would listen to people, a friend who stood by their side, but i want to be understood for my thoughts, my actions, my intentions are good i paint a smile on my face every time i could but this doesn’t mean i’m always happy i really should tell you that life moves so fast, i misunderstood what my purpose is, i really should reevaluate my life again i really should have my faith restored, i know if i work hard i could see it, it’s moving too fast i barely could see it, understand it this life is really moving, it truly would either leave you hanging or you could be stronger you could reach, it’s possible i’m telling you, you could have it in your palm of your hands, but i hope you don’t let your heart get too attached it truly could destroy you, ruin you, it really would

it’s moving, this life is really moving i hope you would have your values lined up, your intentions good it’s moving but you only could see the reflection of it moving, thats all you should see, feel, breathe, i hope you get this, i know you would it’s moving, it really is moving and maybe, maybe you should”

don’t forget about the greats your mentors, the people who anticipate your success, your safety, the ones who stay by your side cheering you up, making sure you’re on the straight path, because if not they’ll question what you’re doing, they’ll want you to illustrate your future, they love you, they could indicate when you’re going the right or wrong way

don’t let them intimidate you, don’t hesitate to ask for help, little help goes a long way don’t be afraid to ask them, they could initiate your career, you owe to them, they’re the greats

be with them, be thankful, go celebrate that you have a life surrounded by good people, mentors who translate the future, who shape it, the ones who truly penetrate through life, they found their way follow them, have faith that you’re going to be okay don’t ever forget, don’t forget your mentors the greats”

my people around me are too precious sometimes i forget how fortunate i truly am so i wrote this message to myself, to my people, i hope you get this

i hope i’d have the courage to tell you how much i love you, how much you mean to me, my blessing my people are not many, they are my lesson to value their qualities, to value their presence i really hope i’d meet them again, i hope i meet them in heaven until this day comes i’ve made it my life mission to devote myself to be with them, to be there to listen to their pains, to their stories, their vision my people are around me, my people are just too precious”

when i don’t put God first i lose. i lost already. when i don’t put God first i struggle, it gets harder to breathe, i ache. when i don’t put God first i fail, i cry, i shatter. when i don’t put God first i fall short, i long, i waste time. when i don’t put God first i mess up, i crash, i hate. when i don’t put God first i mislead, i shrink, i can’t tolerate. when i don’t put God first i whine, i weep, i sob. when i don’t put God first i submit into fear, i”

if you’re not genuine it’s going to show even if you say nothing, they’ll know sometimes you don’t mean it, it’ll grow on you, this feeling, of being below someone’s life, you’ll be beaten though it’s okay, readjust, don’t completely show your heart, it’s fragile, you know you’re weak, you’re hurt, from long ago

it’s fine, rejoice child, don’t stay low they’re hurt too, they suffer too, let go of all of this, it’s not even worth the show let your heart sing, let your heart snow

because you’re genuine, that you know life puts you in situations just to grow to deal with emotions, to deal with its flow you’re genuine, stop crying its not a show everything’s fine, you’re okay though breathe, know who you are, truly know that if you’re genuine, it’s going to show”

i wish i knew what the future knows i wish someone would tell me that i’ll be okay that i will be learning that i will grow

i wish someone would tell me that my life wasn’t just a waste, wasn’t just a show i wish my life would mean anything i wish i eased a life of anyone i know

i think much, i’m telling you this not to slow the life you’re living, the life you owe so many people, don’t be afraid to show anything you have, everything you own

i wish i knew things that i now know i wouldn’t care much for the future i would just let it go”

too early

everything in my life was too early

i grew up too early

i learned my lessons too early

my first heartbreak was too early

my job was given to me too early

i sleep too early

i give up sometimes too early

i speak of things way too early

i greet people too early

everything in my life came too early

i grew up too early”

could i enter your paradise i promise i won’t think twice of my fears, my failures, i wont be precise i wont track down all my mistakes i promise i won’t even price or mention my anxiety or even my desires i won’t even question, i would just sacrifice all my life to you, all myself, not just a slice for me to enter, to enter your paradise i would live to breathe, i would roll the dice could i enter? could i enter your paradise? as long as it’s not fleeting, as long as its not a false paradise could it be, could i be the device? of all the people, of all the disguise of all the souls who live to try to try to make something out of themselves, or the ones who cry the ones who ask themselves the questions of why why are we here and why we would untie life’s biggest lessons, life’s biggest lie i ask you again, could i enter? could i enter your paradise? i’ll wait, i’m not rushing the time whenever you’re ready i’ll be near by i’ll be here waiting for my tears to dry i’ll be looking, i’ll be looking at your sky wait, i think i hear a voice, a voice whereby a voice telling me, telling us to try i thought i could wait, i thought i could stand by i didn’t want an answer, i didn’t really want a reply all i wanted is to hold onto something, just to get by i want to sing, i wanted to sing a lullaby while i wait here, i thought i’d give it a try if life is worth anything it’s worth to try”

i fear the things that i am now in all my blessings, all my privileges, the house i’m in i fear things would be taken away from me and that i will be in constant anxiety, a tragic life i’m in i wish i could lie to you, and tell you i’m in constant peace of mind, a life i’m in i fear that when this day comes i’ll be so far away, so distant from the life that i am now in but where else would i go? where should i be in? i fear the cries, the tears, the feeling of loneliness that i will be in i wish this day would never come, i really hope i would be in a better place, maybe in heaven, maybe i’ll be in a place i don’t know i really can’t think too much maybe i should breathe in everything that i have, everything i own all the peace that i am now in but this constant fear will never let me go all i could do is just let it in i have so many things to work on, but they’re nothing as long as i am in a peace of mind, a life i am in my tears are falling right now, all i have to do is just give in but even when i do so, this feeling is in stilled in my heart, it’s always in my life or the things that i am in i wish i could take it out, spit on it and let it win this war thats in my heart, a maze i’m in this fear, i don’t know what to call it, i don’t know whats in this feeling that creeps in my heart, this feeling that’s in i fear the things that i am in i’m not sugar coating this feeling, it’s really in my life and i shiver down my spine every time i think it’s in i don’t know why i cry that much, or think too much, i hope i could let it in it doesn’t really matter much right now, i already gave in my tears transformed into tears of joy, a life i am now in a life i got to experience, a life i’m in ––peace right now, that’s all i’m in i greet the things that i am now in all my blessings, all my privileges, the house i’m in”

someone i know became someone i knew”

here, i am alone again this time it’s more intense this time it’s real here, alone again i am lone, this time it’s hard this time it’s intense alone again, here i am here alone”

my heart is very very sore i really feel it being at war i could almost see my heart at the door i can’t breathe, maybe i’ll count till four my heart is not as ease, my heart wore a piece of grief, left at shore my heart is beating, i don’t feel a thing anymore it’s not the same as before

my heart is alive, strong at core but i feel it now, my heart sore from all the people, people i should ignore i want to forgive myself, i want to restore

my faith, i don’t want to cry on the floor my heart is aching, my heart is sore from life, i’m young i don’t want more of this, i just want my heart to rest for a period of time, i’ll count till four slow down heart, it’s not world war

you’re fragile i know, but open the door to feel, to see, to look for a source of light, a source of more life, sanity, clarity it’s what you ask for my heart is here, my heart is sore it’s not like yesterday, it’s not like before”

i have no idea what the future has in store i am aware, i might hit the floor i give much, yet i still don’t know if i’ll survive this, or will this let me go

i have no proof, no time to record it all i have to trust, to trust how life will flow i have no idea what the future holds i want to know, to know whats in store

for me, my life, i’m knocking at the door let me in, let me know what i’m living for

just a glimpse, a glimpse from before or maybe tomorrow, an answer for my concerns, i’ll wait at shore

i’ll wait with my heart, having it restore my faith, my ability to see life for what it is, not what it was before

the future has it’s way to see more of goodness, to see post war the future is at store waiting for you to see what’s it for”

i’m searching for something i haven’t found yet i’m going through life, but i haven’t really met this something i’m chasing, this something i can’t forget it’s in me, calling me, making sure i bet on it, making sure i don’t give up yet it’s calling me begging me not to see it as a threat

i’m searching still searching, my life isn’t over yet my life is still going, but i haven’t really met this something i’m looking for, this something i can’t forget it’s here in me, screaming, making me bet on everything, making sure i don’t give up yet it’s saying my name, i hear it wishing i don’t see it as a threat”

i hope you’d believe in me too maybe i’m asking too much, screw this, i know myself, i don’t need you leave me, let me do me so you’d do you don’t forget who i am, don’t get into my life, it’s not your place, go renew your interests elsewhere, don’t glue your head here otherwise come through

come speak to me, tell me why you’re blue why you’re hurt and what we could do to make tomorrow a better place for you i want you to note this, i want you to believe in me as much as i believe in you we could make it together if you want to hold my hand as i hold yours too let’s believe, believe in us two i hope we do, i hope too”

i don’t know if i should say no or i should say yes my life has always been that way, it’s all a guess i don’t know how to act sometimes, so i stress about certain situations, certain things i mess

i don’t want to tell you the truth, i don’t want to express what i’m feeling inside, only God knows whats best for me and for the things around me, i want to confess

i’m going through things that i no longer want to suppress so here i am, writing this, saying this to you not to depress yourself, cheer up, you don’t have to impress anyone or anything, all you have to do is bless

the things you are in, the way you even dress your life and how you fall apart, you need to address your strength, your weakness, you could only obsess for a short period of time, what do you even call success how do you see it and why does it always caress your soul, i don’t know if you should say no or say yes but we’re here anyway, let it out, let it be let it be a yes”

i want to tell you that i’m afraid that i’m doing my best, to not feel played by the things around me things that come my way

i want to tell you that i’m somewhat okay by everything that wants to be displayed in my life, i guess i really have no say in anything that happens, anything that comes my way

i want to tell you that i’m afraid and i’m doing my best out of the things that come my way”

i’m calling my angels

i hope they pick up the phone

i’m calling them to surround me

i hope they don’t leave me alone

i want to tell them things, i want to make it to the microphone

i want to scream it out loud

how could they leave me alone?

i’m calling them to answer

i want them to know that i’m here crying

i’m here if they care to be known when will they answer when will they pick up their phone

i can’t go like this

i don’t want to be completely lone

it’s true that i’m older

it’s true i’m somewhat grown but how could they leave me how could they leave me alone

i’m calling, but i don’t hear anything

i can’t hear anything of my own where are you, i’m looking for you

i’m looking at every zone angels

i’m here calling you

i’m calling, i’m calling pick up your phone”

i could almost feel the light

i could almost feel the breeze i could almost sense tomorrow in one full movie scene

i could almost feel myself here slipping in between these lines, words, questions of His beam

i could almost touch the light

i could almost feel the ease of grace, of mercy in just one squeeze

i could almost feel the light

i could almost touch my knees of hope, of prayer a revelation of peace

i could almost see the light

i could almost sense my piece of mind, i could almost make peace with it, i could almost see the light i could almost feel the breeze”

they cry but we laugh at them when they do they let their feelings out, we have to let them to cry, we have to let them water their eyes too it’s normal, it’s normal to go all the way through the emotions, it’s normal that they cry too we’re not like them, they’re not so scared to show what they’re feeling inside, inside matters too it’s where the heart is, it’s where theirs suffering too

it’s the light that’s there, it’s hope that’s there too they cry, i hope we accept someday that they do because it’s normal, because it’s okay to cry, to let everything be watered too

maybe if we cry we’d let them know that it’s okay to cry, it’s really okay to water your eyes, cry, i promise we won’t laugh when you do”

i’m so scared of letting God down scared to look at myself, scared to see my eyes in brown

He made me, He made me and He knows what’s around He knows everything, i’m still scared of letting Him down i suffer, i question, i really do breakdown at the thought, the thought of letting God down i doubt, i cry, i feel like i’m about to drown when i think, when i think of letting God down i can’t be like this, i can’t always frown

at life, i have to make something, i really can’t let God down i have to wake up from this, i can’t completely shut down i’m scared, i’m telling you, God will you hold me when i fall down?

don’t let me fall for this, please don’t knock me down maybe it’s your way of telling me to pick myself up to pick up my own crown

do i bow down for this or let it lay on ground

i know it’s there, it’s really there, my own crown it’s not out of reach, it’s here i see it when i let my guard down

i see it in every angle, i see it at sundown

i have to take to it, i have to see my own gown

i have to know why i’m here, i have see what’s in town i have to go now, i have to see what i can do now I cant let God I cant let God down”

there is a voice in me telling me i should give back a voice, i have many voices but this one in particular is screaming back at me, waking me up asking me things i really can’t attack it, it’s shaking me, asking me why why am i not giving back?

my time, my experiences, knowledge i could pack this voice is screaming getting louder asking me why am i not helping those who have no power to give back?

this voice is not letting me go, this voice is louder it’s back asking me why am i not looking at things to keep track why am i not being with the people who have my back why am i not touching their hearts in a way i can give back

this voice can’t get any louder this voice doesn’t even cut me a slack it’s questioning me pushing me to a point where i really can’t track this voice wants me to look at people to look and smile right back

to let them know that they are capable to let them know i have an ear to give back this voice i’m telling you would not let me go until, until i truly give back”

there are many things i could’ve been doing many many ways i could’ve been going there are things, at my reach, knowing i could be lead in the wrong direction i could be there going i could submit to the low things in life, i could be doing all the wrong things, all life’s throwing there are things in my life, things that could be slowing my vision, things that could prevent me from growing

there are many many paths my life could’ve been going many ways my life could’ve been flowing there are many temptations many things that could be lowing my life, many things that would deceive me unknowing

that they won’t last, these temptations are still on going yet i’m here, here trying to compass my forgoing trying to figure out where i should be truly going

here i am, trying to take the wheel of my own life knowing that He’s got me, He’ll lead me to where i should be going i have to say this, i’m so thankful for what’s life showing me, in ways, many many ways unknowing that i’ll be just fine, i’ll be fine to wherever i’m going

as long as i have Him, as long as He is showing me where i should go in life what direction i should be going i’ll be fine, as long as i have Him as long as i have the All-knowing.”

help me steady my feet and lift my eyes to truly see what’s left inside of thy great mind help me surrender not speed help me as though life grows like trees

help me be showered with care and trust that you’ll always be there arrive at your time, your time is always fair always make things good even when good is despair shall not let go of all things that do not serve make life be on a plate, where it always align in curve

rest i shall be at death, as death comes in white, shivered, peace

come as though i can make life be full, one in piece welcome I would be if life sings to me like birds now singing so fearlessly

a concert of play, an art displayed not through single life of remains when all else fails, you never will even when night shuts down the sun comes to thrill i would always be here, shall not go, before i praise all of You give You all glory i know”

i don’t know how i got here, still i fear everything that’s happening to me, oh the tear that’s falling onto my face, i can’t shed the tear

i want to cry it out, i want it to appear on my face, i want to make it clear that i have no idea what i’m doing i have no idea what goes in a year

i have to let you know that i’m here dear i’m crying i don’t know who i think i am i don’t know what will happen to my career

it’s happening things are happening yet i’m in a sphere of disbelief, of passion of fear i don’t really know how i got here, still i fear how my heart will function, how will it steer the wheel that’s in my life, how will it appear

i have to say this, i’m so afraid of life dear but i can’t be, i have to make it this time i have to work with fear

i have to let it know that i welcome it now that it’s here it’s creeping into my life, it’s making it’s way to deal with everything that’s happening –– everything here

i truly do not know how i got, how i got here but i’m here anyway, i’m here where, where is the fear?”

i don’t know why i get hurt so fast how could i feel this, how could this last? i thought i was done, done with the past but things are coming back faster than asked

i came here to tell myself life is vast there’s hope, opportunity, things i surpassed

i feel it wanting to broadcast that it hurt me, that it did harass my soul, congratulations, at last you got what you want, i’m here if you asked

watching my tears fall, fall so fast i’m trying to breathe in, help me surpass this emotion, i think it’s over, i think it passed i know why i’m hurt often if you asked it’s because i’m human, a human at last”

let me look at your creation, let me see let me look at you–– let me be let me let me totally free myself from anything that’s not meant to be let me look closer, let me see let me look at Your reflection in me let me see, every light that’s making it to me

i don’t know where they come from, i know that i’ll be listening to every sound that’s speaking to me let me see things, let me talk to me let me listen let me understand the things that are happening to me let me look at your creation, let me praise them, let me see everything you want me to look at everything that’s meant for me”

i’m broken, i’m broken, i really am broken at every piece people knock on my door, they think my life is trick or treat i don’t know how i could tell them that i’m truly broken at every piece

i’m broken but i don’t know much could this increase i’m telling you i’m broken, my heart became a showpiece i’m no longer the person i used to be no longer a person of peace

i’m broken i don’t know what to tell you i feel my blessings ceased

i’m no longer loved, i’m broken i might even be broken for years

i don’t know, i’m broken, i came here just to feel a glimpse of hope, but i could only feel the tear come down my face, my face became a source of fear

i’m broken, i have no words left but i want to tell you this before i disappear i’m broken, i really am broken at every piece

how do people do it, how do people find their peace

i’m broken, and i don’t really know how to fix my piece”

i have many rooms

i have many many rooms in my heart

i have these rooms some are heavy, some are really clean some are dark, black, they have no beam some look like a Friday sermon without anything in between some rooms are books movies with one scene

some look like war, winter, they’re not really keen some work with no question, no doubt, a machine some rooms are birds, no cage, no tension, no gasoline some rooms are mosques, no shoes, just bliss, morphine some rooms are ancient, everything seen

some rooms some rooms in my heart celebrate, they think they’re still teen some rooms made it, some rooms did make it to nineteen some rooms are really rude, scary, really mean some rooms are numb, no doors to enter, vaccine

some rooms in my heart are people, places, a screen some rooms are God centered, unseen i have these rooms i have all these rooms in my heart”

when i close my eyes i see i see peace, i see freedom i see when i close my eyes it’s safe, no one to look for nothing to look around when i do close my eyes i see”

if i stare long enough, will these walls eat me down? would the doors shut tighter, will they leave me on ground? if i scream loud enough, will anyone hear a sound?

would my soul break apart, more than it was ever found? if i cry fast enough, will my angels finally come down? would they heal the things in me, or will they leave me around?

i guess i’ll never know, i guess this life is never truly bound to make sense to any of us, yet we carry ourselves around

we give ourselves meaning, day by day we sound louder and louder till we realize we are the ones that have been found”

i guess this is the biggest test of my life just yet i don’t know, i’m panicking, i don’t know what to get with me, i don’t know what will happen if i just met my future self and told her that things will be fine if you let things happen, i want to tell her don’t be that upset about certain things, you know it’s all part of the best part of your part, part of a bigger percent

i guess this is the biggest test of my life just yet i won’t ask myself the same questions, i wont regret any of the things happening to me just yet i know this is just a part, a part of a bigger arrest me if you need to i promise i wont rest until i go, until i breathe, until i get a yes from You, this is why i’m trying not to mess with, You, for You i will go on and on for the rest of my life, i want to pass the test”

there are so many wars i’m fighting

so many waves i’m riding

so many people i struggle uniting so many wars in my head i’m uninviting

there are so many wars i’m still fighting

i don’t know how to tell you this, but i’m writing this to myself, to keep on sighting what matters in life, all the wars i’m fighting

there are so many wars in me i’m igniting just by saying this now, just by writing

i don’t know if i could go on longer, i don’t know what’s exciting every war i’m in or every war i’m fighting

no one wants to hear this, but life is really about deciding what war to win or what war to keep on fighting i don’t know i’m tired, i’m even tired of writing this down, i’m tired to whatever i’m fighting

i hate every war, every thought, every wave i’m riding i hate that i’m thinking, i hate that i’m dividing my life into war zones, my life into surviving

i don’t know what to tell you, i’m not in position to be prescribing anything to you, i’m here just like you fighting

every war that comes my way, every war that’s providing a new layer to my life, a new layer i’m wiping i guess the wars will keep on, but i won’t be longer fighting any of them, i’ll just be here writing this to you, to all the wars you’re fighting”

i want to pursue it all, i want to pursue i want to go there, i want to pursue

i want to figure out what You want me from me i want to see if i will make it through

i want to know that it doesn’t matter if i screw up, it matters only that i pursue what You want from me, it matters to do everything i can, i have to make it true i know You speak to me, i know You do i want to pursue it all, pursue it just for You”

i came here to sea just to see you in your form your emotion your blue

i know you’re real but something tells me this isn’t true i hope you’d hold me, i hope you’d hold me through tell me things i know and things that are new do you care sea? do you care for your blue?

or are you here just to sea just to sea too i have questions but non of them could ever be true because you are here, you are gentle and blue

i have to tell you some things i have to tell you a few love notes i have to tell you what you do to me, i want to tell you all that’s true

i see you, i sea in all your blue i’m walking to you, i’m smiling deep in view

i could feel the breeze, i could hear you i could touch your sea, i have no clue how to tell you this, it’s really untrue

do you know?

how beautiful you are, you’re about to make me blue i came here to sea, just to see you

i don’t care for your color, i care that you’re you i care that you’re here with me, i care that you’re in too i love you sea, i love all your blue”

why do i feel every emotion?

why do i try analyze every motion ?

why do i feel like everything is a devotion? things i have to accomplish at every notion?

why do i ask a lot, it’s not a promotion

i really need to understand the ocean

i need to understand what kind of potion life gave me, i need to understand it’s motion

i have to give in, i have to accept the demotion life put me in, just pass me the damn lotion i want to lay in the sun, to lay in the ocean

i’ll be there trying to accept the emotions life put me in, i’m thankful for emotion

i’m thankful for every notion

every wave i had to catch in every ocean

i’m thankful for this, i’m thankful to motion life put me in, a life full of emotion a life that means something, a life of devotion”

i’m walking but i don’t i feel my legs moving my feet i don’t know how i’m really walking i think i need to meet this motion i’m feeling, this motion is not catching up to me i don’t feel it coming, i don’t really feel any of the beat i think i’m walking, i think i crossed the street

i’m walking, i think, but i don’t think i will ever repeat this motion, this motion is really not up to me i feel my body walking, but it was only moving for a sweet second, it moved, but i couldn’t catch it’s beat

i barely caught my breath, i barely sat down on my damn seat i moved but it’s only my body that moved my feet i couldn’t feel myself moving, i couldn’t feel my own heartbeat

i can’t help but wonder i can’t help but wonder what’s happening to me i think i’m moving, i think i’m moving my feet wait–– my soul is moving too, my soul is suddenly catching up to beat

i feel it, it’s here, my soul is finally moving it’s moving where’s the sheet?

i need to write this down, i need to record what’s happened to me i need to say something, something that’s not so discrete

everything is connected there’s a reason to why all this happened to me i felt my soul moving, wait, i really felt it happening to me my soul moved, it even might moved beyond my own feet i’m up, i’m up here

i reached a point to where i could say what’s happened to me maybe i’ll let you know what happened one day right now i’m at my window seat i’m not moving anymore and if i’m honest i don’t really care about moving my feet”

i have thoughts in me that will just stay they go away sometime, but somehow they find their way to come back to me, somehow they make their own play

i see the thoughts, i see them, ignoring all the rules, i have no say in this, i see them living their life, i see them all day i have these thoughts, they don’t know how much i pray to have them settled, to have them rested, just for a second i may breathe, i may even enjoy life, i truly may

have some time to make a difference, to make what goes in a day these thoughts never rest, they truly do not pay any attention of what i am attempting to say i’ve been living with them all my life, how could i feel if they walked away?

will i be the same as before, or will i stray? will i be hiding all my tears, or will i let them lay? i don’t know how to explain it much, i see my thoughts midway i see when they start, i see them in full display i want them to know that they’re playing me they’ve been playing with me all day

i wish i could tell them how i feel, but it’s just a one way conversation, they don’t really hear what i want to say i have them in me these thoughts, i have them on Monday they come back to me on Tuesday

they mark their ways on Wednesday

they celebrate that they won on Thursday they plan their game on Friday

they change their players on Saturday they switch up the rulers on Sunday

i have these thoughts in me, they’re here everyday”

i’m working, i’m working i have many things to work on i know this will work if i keep on working, i’m working hold on

i’m not done, it’s my heart that i’m working on i could feel it heavy, so heavy to carry on but i know it’s a phase, but why isn’t this phase over, why is it still on?

it’s been couple days of heavy, still i see no lights on it’s still dark, still heavy, so heavy i can’t breathe on

i feel my heart slowing down i feel my heart doesn’t have the power to carry on i want to apologize somehow, my heart i don’t know what’s going on i don’t know why i put you in the dark now i have no power to switch on

i’m working, still working, wondering how i could keep on working, i’m working, i’m still working on trying to figure out how i could fix you still working on how you could carry on

i’m working, listen to me, i’m working, it’s my heart that i’m working on everything will fall into place once i have my heart back on the line, once i have the lights switched on i’m working, i know this will not last, this will just be on my notepad, i know this will not be on forever but now i have to work i have to keep on working, it’s my heart i’m working on

maybe i’ll look back at this maybe i’ll have the courage to tell you this on the phone, or maybe i’ll read this to you maybe i’ll tell you how i carried on with no lights, no power, no strength to carry on i’ll tell you someday, somehow, how i carried on but right now i’m working, still working on”

it seems as though i’m in a race not physically, i mean in the mental state i don’t know why i’m running, maybe i should slow my pace see this exactly what i’m talking about, this is what i want to say i could never know if i’m on time for things, i don’t even know if this is my place i don’t want to be in a race, i don’t want to feel like i’m waisting my life away

it won’t last long, this feeling, i know somehow i’ll find my way maybe now, maybe never, why do i keep questioning my case i wonder, do you think of your life too? do you think it’s a waist? do you think it’ll all go away soon? or do you think it’s all grace? i keep asking myself questions, questions that i would be able to trace some day in time, maybe then i’ll laugh at myself for this chase it matters, it really does, it matters that i don’t stay in one space just because i can’t keep up, i can’t really truly erase or misguide things that were given to me i don’t really want to be a disgrace to humanity, i really want to do something, maybe i shouldn’t walk away see this race is starting, i see this race coming my way i’m ready, i think i’m ready to run, i think i’m ready for this race start counting, start counting, my body is almost ready for the pace you’re almost at three, two, i think i’m ready for the chase this race is here, this race is now, it’s happening please wait hold on, i want to tie my shoe, i want to tie my shoelace wait, you’re at one, you’re done counting you’re almost done counting the race i’m here i’m still here, why did you start early? how could you forget my face?

i knew it, i knew you’d start without me i knew this race was a terrible mistake i almost had it, i almost found my way the race is over yet i’m racing my thoughts till this day wait, i see the race starting again, i won’t let it slip through, no not today i think i see the light, i think i hear the fire starting the race i’m ready now, i think i’m ready again for the race this time i won’t let it slip through, this time i’m tying my shoelace i’m ready, i’m ready, where is the race? why isn’t it here already, when will it come my way?”

things are ending and i don’t know how to feel but other things are extending i don’t know what is real i have to feel them pretending i know that they are a great deal i fell short, now i came attending my own fate is on a wheel a motion that is never ending one that could always conceal

i’m not lying, i’m only here intending to show you whats really real things are truly ending i have to face my own tear feel this, i wont be offending any of your smiles i want to steal your laughters i want them to be sending them to all the people that are here

things are ending

i’m truly grateful that we’re here at the end of the line lending our hands to each other, thats what’s real i hope we always come mending i hope you know it’s okay for us to feel”