A WAVE HAS HIT AGAIN by Margot Terc
Two weeks ago I woke up with puffy eyes. And with a strange and unexpected detachement, I remembered that I’ve just seen myself in a really weird place. I had felt so fucking sad. But then I was awake the next day, and after all that hopelessness and dispair, I was feeling okay, and even somewhat happy because soon I’d get to edit a video and work on a project. I went down so fast and so hard, and the next day I just felt done with it. Maybe all the crying and hopelessness broke something in me. Maybe I’m trying to make up for it. Since that night I’ve had this stronger need to be grounded in myself, and just move around the waves. I’ve been thinking that all I can do is support myself, and soften my heart when I can.
There is a lot that I don’t understand, or have words for. And I’d like to have names for it, or see that it isn’t just me. Perhaps if I know it’s a thing it won’t weigh as much, and I can just take it as something that just is. Mostly that feeling I get when I’m in the bus and I see the mountains and the sun, and there’s so much simple beauty around me but I just feel bored and tired and I have no idea how long the process will take. Beauty or no beauty, my heart is heavy.
When I came to Santiago I had no energy or motivation to go out much. I mostly wanted to keep to myself and read lots, and just be in my own world. For a while I had wanted to be a hermit and live in a cabin for a while. I didn’t get my mountain, but coming to a new place where I only knew one person was pretty close. I finally got to be alone and not make plans for a while, without guilt or remorse. I have talked to many strangers, and opened up to many cab drivers. They tell me their side, we ponder about life, and we say goodbye with love and good wishes. But the connections haven’t amounted to anything else, and I have a bunch of numbers with names I don’t recognize. I am very grateful for every stranger I get to connect with, but I’ve been wanting more people that I can go back to.
And I’ve been feeling that way for some time now. I want to let people in, but it hasn’t been happening. I seem to be on another wavelenght here in Chile. I went on Couchsurfing, and when I was looking at the Santiago discussion boards, I saw a girl from the Bronx. I messaged her right away, and told her that I haven’t seen a Bronx soul, and would she be down for coffee sometime? And she got back to me telling me she just went back yesterday. I laughed for a long time. I’m not sure what it is. Am I supposed to be alone? Why do I keep longing for the other thing?
is there a lesson i need to learn?
can i please get it already?
I NEED TO GROW UP.
I need to pay off my loans, and take care of my shit. I don’t want to be messy. I don’t want to get anxious over money. I don’t want my mom to make any more sacrifices for me. My personal feelings don’t matter anymore, and I really just need to make it work.
AND MY HEART IS HEAVY BECAUSE WHITE SUPREMACY IS A THING AND CHANGE ISN’T HAPPENING FAST ENOUGH.
It probably is very convinient for non black people to ignore the systematic racism that is everywhere. White people (especially men) have been able to mantain power because racism and patriarchy run so deep. There is a cycle of poverty and oppression that is entirely intentional. Apartheid schools, a racialized prison system, media (under representation and mis-representation), euro-centric school curriculums... It is macro and micro, and it is in everything. And I’m just so fucking tired of it. I don’t want this world for my nephew, and I can’t bear to think of people crimininizaling my family and friends. And it really gets to me when poc feel the need to appease white people, because God forbid we come across as angry or too much. Respectability politics is the dumbest thing, and we don’t have time for it. Why would be calm and lovely when we know there is a system put in place to dehumanize us? How can we not be angry? There is so much to be angry about.
The personal and the inter-personal, and the collective are pressing on my chest, and I look at people and I wonder how they survive. I can’t un-see, and I can’t un-know, and I still haven’t figured out how sit with the reality of the world without collapsing inside, or wanting to escape. But I need to figure out how to deal with racism and patriarchy without getting hopeless, or wanting to pull away from everything and everyone. Sometimes I ignore the heaviness of the world because it is too much, and people’s problematic behavior makes me feel disconnected and alone. My escapism is a coping mechanism, and I know why I do it. But I need something else because systematic oppression isn’t going anywhere, and I can’t expect others to fight this when I escape it myself. I know that getting away is necessary some-
times. The best part of coming here has been the dedication I have nurtured for my projects. I am deeply grateful for that, and I will leave again if that is what I truly need. But right now I need to find my way where I am. This is it, and the only way is through. The one thing I got so far is that there is great power in having a creative medium and using my voice. I am committed to developing creative tools, and I am passionate about supporting my people in their own expression. Media is powerful, and we need to be everywhere. So much of this is about rewiring and relearning, and a lot happens when we tell our stories and take up space. As a Dominican woman from the Bronx, that is all soft and heavy inside, I need ways to process this world, and I need outlets that I can use to love and affirm my people and the soft bbys of the world. I am trying to accept that I am where I am, and heavy heart or not, this is it.
HEY CAN I MOVE ON ALREADY? NEXT PHASE PLEASE
A personal zine on the current feels. I want to make peace with where I am.