How To Heckle The Rest Of The Big 12 by Rick Paulas
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ew moments are quite as enjoyable in the entirety of the sports world as the perfectly-executed heckle against a divisional foe. So as a service to our readers, here are some suggestions for how to create the greatest possible heckles for the rest of the Big 12. (Note: We are not responsible for any bodily harm caused by the following heckles.)
Baylor Bears Focus your heckles on coach Scott Drew, the son of Valparaiso University coach Homer Drew. Bring a large homemade chart showcasing, precisely, how much prouder his father is of his other son (Bryce Drew, the hero of Valparaiso’s first round upset win over Ole Miss back in 1998) than of Scott himself. Also point out that Bryce has a much cooler name.
Colorado Buffaloes Bring a large abacus, wear a white lab coat, and thick, blackframed glasses. Explain mathematically why, even though nearby Coors Field (home of the Colorado Rockies) is notorious for high scoring games due to the altitude, basketball games in Coors Events Center are so low scoring. After two hours of calculations, conclude that it’s because the Buffaloes are awful. It’s science!
Kansas State Wildcats Spend the entire pregame mentioning to surrounding Wildcats fans how excited you are to finally see legendary basketball coach Bob Huggins in person as he patrols the sidelines. When they try to correct you by saying Frank Martin is, in fact, the current coach, don’t believe them. There’s no way Huggins would leave after only a season at Kansas State, not after all of the excitement he brought to the campus with his perfectly greased hair. He wouldn’t leave an esteemed university like Kansas State for West Virginia. They must have horribly inaccurate information.
Missouri Tigers Performing a three-part, one-person play about the rise and quick, hard fall of former coach Quin Snyder should get the trick done. At least one act should be entirely devoted to the frustration Snyder encountered on a daily basis while trying to get his hair to look… just… right.
Nebraska Cornhuskers In honor of Nebraska alumnus Johnny Carson, break out your best Carnac the Magnificent impression and read from the following script: (Carnac holds envelope to his turban)
Iowa State Cyclones According to Iowa State fans, Hilton Coliseum has “Hilton Magic” during basketball games because the fans create an atmosphere that is horribly detrimental to foes. As soon as the Cyclones start doing poorly—something that generally happens in the first minute of the game—proclaim that the stadium has Hilton Magic, alright. Paris Hilton Magic!
Carnac: Charles Barkley at the US Open. Sidekick: Charles Barkley, ha-ha, at the US Open. (Carnac opens envelope)
Carnac: Who has a better chance of winning than the Cornhuskers?
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