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House Hunting? Here's What to Expect
Written by the Author of Fuquay-Varina Memes Photographed by Jonathan Fredin
FUQUAY-VARINA MEMES (also known as FVM) is a freelance writer, meme guru and an anonymous resident of Fuquay-Varina. She is the creator and manager of the FuquayVarina Memes Facebook page and has a talent for making people laugh and always taking the joke too far. Check out her blog at fvmwrites.com. fuquaymemes thefvmemes
Are you looking to buy a house in Southern Wake County? If so, you need to know exactly what you’re signing up for. Before I start dropping truth like some kind of South Wake whistleblower, we should probably hear from a professional. I asked Krista Abshure from The Abshure Realty Group (in Fuquay-Varina) to give me ONE reason people would want to move to Southern Wake, and her answer was simple — the sheer amount of lifestyle options. “We have so much to do! Parks, breweries, hiking, golf, playgrounds and restaurants are all available near homes with a wide range of price points for everyone,” said Abshure. Yes, she speaks the truth, but hear me out — we’ve also got beer versus coffee wars, an abundance of traffic cones, disgruntled locals, a reputation for stellar memes and much, much more. I’ve lived in this clown town for more than 15 years, so listen up.
A RIPE SMELL Look, there’s no way around it — there’s a dump in Holly Springs and sometimes it smells like the love child of a Bradford pear and oneweek old roadkill. Many move to the “older part” of Holly Springs in an effort to avoid the stench, but when the wind really gets a hold of it, the smell of a hot fart on a summer’s day can span for miles. To avoid gagging during a cookout, I recommend moving south of the bright orange storage facility on 55 that seems to act as some sort of
60 October/NOVEMBER 2021
FROM HISTORIC MANSIONS TO CLEARCUT CONSTRUCTION — FEW ESCAPE THE SWEET SMELL OF HOME.
tacky, mystical barrier. All jokes aside, the presence of the landfill is required disclosure for realtors if buyers are looking within the “smell zone.”
U-TURNS AND MEDIANS If you move to Holly Springs, I hope you enjoy turning right. In the event that you need to turn left, I hope your car has a neat little turning radius, because a u-turn is your only option. You might not find as many u-turns in Fuquay, but we’re drowning in a sea of medians down here and it doesn’t even make sense. Yes, the Walgreens is on your left. No, you will not be able to turn in until you’ve gone through the worst traffic light in town and sold your soul to a demon outside of Cookout.
LOTS OF ALL SIZES Like many locations in Wake County (ahem, Cary and Apex), larger, wooded lots are becoming a thing of the past. The good news? Willow Springs and Angier (and certain parts
