LHU Eagle Eye

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APRIL FOOLS

The Lock Haven University

Llama Mama

What we’ve got this week:

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A&E (42)

Lifestyles (42)

News (42)

Op-Ed (42)

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News

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Staff List Editor-in-Chief:

Patches O’Houlihan dodgeawrench@gmail.com

Managing Editor: Judge Judy

News Editor:

Miranda Priestly runwaymagazine@gmail.com

Arts & Entertainment Editors: groovybaby@gmail.com gonewiththewind@hotmail.com

Lifestyles Editor: Elizabeth Swan pirates@gmail.com

Opinion Editors:

Janis Joplin pieceofmyheart@hotmail.com Hermoine Granger wingardiumleviosa@aol.com

Sports Editors:

The Dude chilloutman@gmail.com Tony Montana scarface@hotmail.com

Online Editors:

Dr. Frankenfurter rockyhorror@aim.com Mary Poppins aspoonfulofsugar@gmail.com

Social Media Manager: James Bond bondjamesbond@aim.com

Ads Manager: vampireslayer@aol.com

Senior Copy Editor

Katniss Everdeen maytheoddsbeinyourfavor@aim.com

Copy Editors: 10thingsIhateaboutyou@hotmail.com Tracy Turnblad Regina George sofetch@aol.com

Adviser:

Dolores Umbridge pinkisthenewblack@aol.com

February 31, 2025

LHU to eliminate Bachelor of Science Susie Elgerton Employed, Kinda SUE666@lhup.edu Students at Lock Haven University have been campaigning for years to get the university to restore funding ting their wish.

The administration announced plans late Tuesday to begin phasing out science and technology programs at the the PASSHE schools to focus exclusively on programs in the humanities.

In a press release, the school outlined a two-year plan to eliminate all non-humanities programs and majors, as well as to help now displaced students transfer out to other institutions of higher learning.

It also means that as early as the upcoming fall semester, students will see massive rejuvenation efforts arts programs, including the theatre, dance and philosophy programs.

The school has also announced intentions of instituting more progressive models and methods of learning, citing concerns that the liberal arts aspect of the college experience at LHU has been bastardized in recent years by budget cuts and the realignment – or misalignment – of educational goals and expectations for students. ter, credible rumors have also been circulating that in an effort to introduce a radically new learning environment,

the school intends to seek approval from the federal government to legally sanction the use of all psychoactive substances on campus.

Critics are appalled at the possibility that their tax dollars might soon be funding what one has said will “dissolve into a bunch of degenerate, bleeding-hearts, tweaked out on LSD, naked, running around the bell tower.”

In defense of such projections, similar rumors have been heard saying the school would like to become a clothing-optional learning environment.

Rumors also say that the school would like to do away with the traditional grading system for assessment.

This will be the hardest change to make, with the longest bureaucratic process of all the rumored changes, according to our research.

Without a formal standard of assessment, the school could risk losing its accreditation, a potentially problematic position for PASSHE’s new and only humanities-centric school to risk putting itself in.

Relatively few complaints have been heard about the changes the school plans to make from the affected non-humanities students, who cite with resounding unanimity the college’s ineffectiveness in catering to science and technology programs. Students and professors of the humanities are, as one might expect, resoundingly thrilled.

More formalized plans are expected to be released to the public sometime in early summer as faculty members Students are encouraged to submit any ideas or thoughts about the school’s new plans by way of the Eagle Eye, which administrators feel is the best way for students to get their ideas out into the LHU community.

What should I do this week?

Wednesday, April 1 Zayn Malik’s First Solo Concert Russell Lawn 2:37 p.m.

Thursday, April 2 Patrick Stewart Presents: Acting 101 Sloan 321, 5 p.m.

Miley Cyrus’ Twerk it Out Rec Center Dance Studio 9 p.m.

Friday, April 3 Sharknado Price Auditorium 7 p.m.

Saturday, April 4 Debate: Best Cheetos Flavor Hosted by the Longboarding Club Begins at 2:10 in Bentley Sunday, April 5 Airhorn Club Meeting 8 a.m. Fairview Lawn

Monday, April 6 I Don’t Think I Want to Graduate Anymore: A free Seminar 7th Floor Robinson 10 a.m.

Tuesday, April 7 50 Cent vs. Ludacris Album Drop Russell Lawn Whenever they get around to it

February 5, 2015

Snapshots

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Students on their daily commute to enjoy the delicious food at Bentley have reported multiple sightings of Spiderman his own theme song. Reports say that he has no idea just how loudly he is humming and that the windows have become covered in handprints, obscuring the view of Smith Hall.

Residents of the Fairview Suites have reported that

he is on the North or South side.� Residents report that but he only knows how to play “Wonderwall.�

up weeks early for his performance and checked in under a false name. The same employee also reported that she believes she er shallowly decided to return the dress after discovering the

Students walking along the West Branch Susquehanna River noted something out of the ordinary when they reported sight-

have come back inconclusive.

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News

February 5, 2015

Russell Hall: The Reopening Mike Jones Who? Russell4Eva@hotmail.com With housing selection having finished up earlier last month, most returning students are confident in where they will be living on campus next semester. However, due to Woolridge being closed for renovations and High and Gross halls being closed indefinitely, this leaves a shortage of space for the incoming freshmen.

When asked how they were going to handle this, Associate Dean of Student and Residence Life, Dr. Amy Cotner responded “Russell Hall is still a fine, beautiful building. We’ve decided to move the incoming freshmen there until Woolridge is done.”

“This just isn’t a good place for some poor kids to live.”

Anyone who has walked past Russell Hall recently has seen the large dumpsters out front of the building, and the signs in the doors warning of Asbestos inside of the now plastic covered entrances and windows.

There have also been numerous reports of how the building is no longer

up to code.

Medical and Chemical expert, Dr. Sal Manela is quoted in saying “Asbestos is an icky, dangerous thing that can cause cancer of the lungs, or even worse! I wouldn’t even let my pet raccoon live where Asbestos has been found.”

This makes for many concerned parents and incoming freshmen for the fall semester of 2015. Since the school has announced this decision, many incoming freshmen have had second thoughts about coming to Lock Haven University to further their education.

“The Asbestos is almost fully gone. There is no need to worry about it.

Besides, students have been living in Russell hall for many years without any problem,” Morter Brick, one of the construction crew members working on clearing out Russell Hall, said.

However, other members of the crew have reported otherwise.

“This just isn’t a good place for some poor kids to live,” one of the construction crew members who wished to stay anonymous has stated.

Hopefully this highly controversial decision will not affect admissions for future semesters.

April Fools, 2015

Police Reports

Date

Time

Location

Description

3/31/2309

8:28 PM

Ivy Lane

Professor was seen running while wearing grey bathrobe, wizard’s hat and fake beard while shouting “YOU SHALL NOT PASS”.

Date

Time

42 Location

Description

Library

carillion and grabbed Talon ecalyptus leaves and

4/1/2015

12:00 PM

Area 9 Parking

Spaceship crashed into nearby vehicles. Pilot was issued a parking ticket.

4/1/2015

1:00 PM

Glennon

Male was sitting on the

and singing “Uptown Funk”.

When questioned, he said he just wanted to say Hi.

“Don’t throw off her groove!.” freeeeee faaaallllllling”

the food. Students University

attire consisting of ‘jeans’ and a ‘tank top’ appeared

potatoes and shouting “Give incapacitated after they were

Jurassic Era 4/1/2015

Rawr! Rawr Rawr!

9:00 AM

Science

literally couldn’t even.

Student brought illegal snuck it into genetic lab.

Witnesses report hearing

proceeded to drive away with students still on board.

koala was fed glowing eucalyptus leaves.

Student was caught and directed to Student Life.

sent off road by banana peels and turtle shells.

Driver escaped, shouting “It’s

Hall and was last seen running towards North Fairview.

4/1/2015

9:20 AM

Sloan

Man clad only in his tighty and began singing. Drug use

crawling up the side of the

Arts & Entertainment

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April 1, 2015

HOLOGRAPHIC RESEARCH BABY Mechanical engineer from the year 2070 Guest Writer Does not compute

lographic concert a giant success.

“This process sure hasn’t been an easy

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time.

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said. ed to mention anything to him about the plan.

Brown.

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tic as possible by having the holograms interact with

to showcase such legendary talent at our

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with the projection company throughout the semester and it’s been said that because the company is so intrigued by the project’s anything.

In between sporting events at the Thomas

is concerned.

Zombie apocalypse coming to Lock Haven Jeremiah Lombard A&E Co-editor JLO@lhup.edu

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sorority sister.

The zombies are coming.

Steven Spielberg has just announced that he will be directing a zombie 11.

c a l

band. be playing the loner type character that never really

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they

more in college and has to escape the university while sible.

“This isn’t your classic zombie movie. There is more

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Photo courtesy of http://cos.h-cdn.co and http://static02.mediaite.com

April 1, 2016

Did You Know?

Arts & Entertainment The a n e r A m u Alb

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NEW ALBUMS RELEASED THIS WEEK

Big Brother A&E Editor System malfunction...

NEW EXCLUSIVE ALBUMS RELEASED THIS WEEK.

DON’T WANT YOU IN LOONEYVILLE.” So, it’s been decided folks, The Beatles, 2Pac, NWA, Kanye and One Direction are on their way back from LOONEYVILLE right now!

Be ready for their new albums dropping like bombs speakers.

1. THE BEATLES - BLACK ALBUM 2. 2PAC - ALL HATERS ON ME 3. NWA - EAZY IZ AS EAZY DUZ 4. KANYE WEST - I’M SORRY 5. ONE DIRECTION - JK

Photo from ulife.vpul.upenn.edu

COMING SOON

‘aka’ NETFLIX

DVD These things still exist?

musicians are in fact ALIVE and WELL. According to the Looney Tunes, in a statement made

by Wiley Coyote himself: “These people just started showing up in our world.

We told them enough is enough, you have to go home. WE

Guess the Top 3 upcoming plot twists Movie Quote!

“I wonder how many people will think this is actually from a movie.”

Spoiler Alert Professional Gossiper knowitall@yahoo.com

Everyone loves to know all the juicy details before they even happen, right?

No? Just me? Oh well, I’m sharing them anyway. Here are, in my opinion, the most awesomely unexpected plots twists to watch out for.

3. Orange Is the New Black Prepare yourselves. All your favorite jail birds are about to break free from the cage.

That’s right.

Piper, Red and Crazy Eyes are bustin’ loose. They’ve got their hearts set on freedom, and you won’t believe where it takes them.

Mexico? Canada? Right back into another jail cell?

I suppose I can keep some secrets.

2. Marvel’s Agent Carter You’re all in for a big surprise here, as is Miss Peggy. Did you know her

hunky hubby Steve Rogers, aka Captain America, has a twin brother?

Neither did she, until he made quite the appearance — staunch naked, meandering through her home.

Of course, Peggy being a strong, independent woman who don’t take nothin’ from no one, had a thing or two to say to him.

And I can’t wait until you hear it for yourselves.

1. How I Met Your Mother Yep, you read that correctly.

How I Met Your Mother is making a comeback. We all thought it was over — even the original cast!

Turns out Shmosby’s son needed a father more concerned with sex education than with educating his kids on all the women he went through before their mother came along.

Now good ol’ Ted’s about to be a granddad. I wonder how many seasons it’ll take them to tell this story.

Last weeks quote: probably not Superbad Photo from upwarddownward.com

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Arts & Entertainment

April 1, 2015

JAVA PLUGIN ERROR 51 WHERE ARE ALL THE ARTICLES?

Tara Baggs Staff Writer trashbagqueen@gmail.com

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Trendy

There is a new fashion trend sweeping across America. It is the look of the garbage bag dress. A garbage bag you might think eeww gross, but it actually is very useful. It not only looks super fashionable it also can be great in the rain. Just think of the versatility!

Not only can you look super freaking cute but you will also be dry. Another great feature of this fashion trend is it can come in many colors or can be classic black. When you want to go out for a night with your friends you can have a brightly colored dress. On the other hand you can wear black and look as classic as Audrey Hepburn.

Recycling is also always a major plus for the environment, so saving your old garbage bags is a great idea. PS: Great for skirts too!!

Photo Coutesy of thesartorialist.com

Photo courtesy of popsugar.com

Photo courtesy of pinterest.com

Photo courtesy of bustownmodern. blogspot.com

Photo courtesy of www.polybagcentral.com

TRASHY

Lifestyles

is

June 28, 1994

Lifestyles

10

March 14, 1991

Legit Horoscopes, yo If you jump on a goat and ride it ‘til morning, you will receive the greatest of all gifts. NUTELLA!

Always keep your mind open. But not your wallet.

Always keep your wallet shut.

Always stay positive. Unless the glass is half empty.

Love is all you need. Except for food. And water.

And shelter and... Okay, so you need more.

see blue dots in your eyes.

Keep a steady focus on the road ahead so that you will always know when you are hitting something.

Keep your head above water or you obviously will drown.

Taking little steps will help you to get far, but only metaphorically. In reality you’ll just be one foot away from where you were before.

Focus on being yourself all the time. Unless you want to be someone else.

Congratulations to Lock Haven on award for Best Tourist Destination in the World!!!

Photo Courtesy of freedigitalphotos.com

They say to focus on making your dreams a reality, so even though you think you should get up, go back to sleep. Right now.

Live life to the fullest. Go ahead and have that second plate.

The Eagle Eye does not need a bunch of staff members, at all!!!

Do not contact us at lockhaveneagleeye@gmail.com if you are interested!

I repeat: DO NOT CONTACT US! We are not in need at all!

December 27, 1989

Lifestyles

11

Club of the week: Cat Lover’s Club A real life experiment in lint rollers How many cats are too many cats?

Is my cat plotting my murder or just napping?

Staff Cat

Cat Lover’s Club

Grumpy Cat: an appreciation Knitting with cat hair

Kate Hibbard (catz4eva@aim.com) Conne Reece (catsRlife@gmail.com) Every Wednesday 6-10 Eagle Eye Newsroom

Cats, Cats, Cats. Each week the club gets together to discuss their favorite types of cats, favorite cat food brands, favorite cat toys and how to get cat fur out of your favorite clothes.

Popular workshops have included: How expensive would it be to own a real tiger?

Munchkin cats and where I can buy one

The club is currently in talks with the school to see if they can be exempt from no pets at school rule. Until then, no cats will be allowed but you can always bring pictures to share with the group. cal, a trip to the Humane Society, and the Zoo. “My favorite workshop so far has been “How expensive would it be to own a real tiger” because I’ve been looking into it for years. That’s what Mike Tyson had in ‘The Hangover” wasn’t it?” said Freshman Suzie Buttersworth.

Because of the nature of cat people, we ask that no one brings cameras, makes loud sounds or promotes dogs during the meetings.

Background Courtesy of freedigitalphotos.com

Fitness just got extra delicious Donna Fitz Staff Writer Everyone, especially college students, has poor diets and don’t exercise nearly as little as they should. Once students get to college, we tend to try and exercise more and eat better but we usually fail at this.

Going to the gym every day? It’s so bad for you. Students should cut back on their gym going and really focus on staying in bed for hours on end and staying in their rooms watching TV. If it requires you to put on pants, you probably shouldn’t be doing it. Too much exercise can kill you.

Students also try to start eating better. Are you avoiding Bentley because they have bad food? Look again because Bentley just got better! They have more greasy and questionable food than ever before and I only see bright horizons in our future for even better grub to eat. The food they serve can’t be better for an aspiring dieter.

And even if or when Bentley food doesn’t agree with your bowels, turn to junk food because that stuff packs on all the thigh and hip fat you don’t want to lose. Just stay in your room munching on an entire pack of Oreos or an entire bag of Doritos because that is the absolute best food you could ever eat.

If you focus on these new diet and exercise habits you’re sure to have a summer-ready body in no time! Yay for donuts!

Photo Courtesy of freedigitalphoto.com

October 14, 1990

42

Battle of the sexes: Two heads are better than one

Sarah Eckrich Patriarchist woman@makemeasandwich.edu

trends of the last hundred years: feminism, or as it is more rightfully known around those not coerced into political correctness, femi-nazi-ism. I have to

time-tested, classic sexual advances. You know, tell me that you’d let me S your D a little. Where’s the romance gone?

Give me that “Fifty Shades of Grey” life, but

I think men and women everywhere have been taking my seemingly feminist mindset the wrong way for a long time now. I know it seems like I want to be treated with respect, as an intellectual equal, even as a superior once in a while, but we all know what they say about appearances. Frankly, I’m tired of deceiving you guys. It’s not as if I ever wanted to.

This is college. I have to pretend to think these things or they wouldn’t let me write for the paper.

The liberal media is great at pulling the puppet strings of journalists. They make our mouths move and the next thing you know, we’re all forwarding agendas that we don’t believe in. We don’t have a

with bad skin. So right there out of the gates, it’s clear that I’m not alive to become a supermodel to be gawked at by all. I’ve got narrow hips, too and my chest, well, I must have one since I’m breathing, but I lose the not-so-Great/tiny Tetons when I’m not wearing a (very padded) bra. So I’m not biologically designed to pump out babies either.

Really, I’m best suited to spend my days as a scullery wench.

But no. Rather than take my rightful place as a basement dwelling serf where I could do some good

to be rich. I just need him to control every aspect of my life, so that I don’t have to worry about anything

in, you don’t get back out. In fact, you may never hear from me again after this piece. But some things have to be said.

I digress.

For a long time, I’ve talked like I believe that all people should have equal rights and equal acplay along with one of the most disgusting social

and the option to make my own decisions. I have to masquerade around hiding my desperate desire to for the rest of my life.

It’s crushing my soul. I don’t think I can live this way anymore. ically appealing to hound me and dazzle me with

and desires every second for the rest of forever.

I know it’s a lot for me to ask from a man. We’ve already gone over a few of my glaring shortcomings as a woman. I just want what every little girl wants: to be rescued and have the rest of my life written out for me.

Equality and adventure are dangerous pastimes engaged in freely by the wild women of the 21st century. I have to play along. I have to pretend to be mouthy and prefer death to surrender. They etarians, people who drive imported cars… It’s a dangerous world out there for a girl, especially a girl journalist. sexes are actually equal, it’s a manufactured lie.

If I had things my way, I’d never be allowed to have things my way.

all ur Yankees r belong 2 Jeter Vicky Kramer Jeteorologist vajeter@nyy.net

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of approximately 185 million dollars, the question that still lingers as to who big one. Nevertheless, few people are upset with the Yankees decision to sell

and becomes new owner of the New York Yankees for 2.5 billion dollars!

It is indeed the end of an era as far as the Steinbrenner family is con-

many other Yankees executives was just announced.

New York Yankees General Manager Brainn Ca$hmann expressed his World Series titles. We couldn’t of hand-picked a better person to be the future face of this dynasty franchise. I wish him all the best.” with excitement since the news broke about the deal.

Former teammate and close friend George Rosada expressed his thoughts

by Tweeting, “So excited for my good friend to be right where he belongs: the boss of the Yankees. CoNgRaTs BrO!” tions on social media.

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That truly has a winning ring to it.

From being Mr. November to winning his last home game at Yankee Stadium, the man has only ever been capable of producing greatness. That’s what he will do again in his new role as “the boss” of the New York Yankees.

“I am excited and incredibly humbled at this new journey in my life. I’ve never wanted to be a part of any other organization and this has always been my dream. Thank you to everyone who has made this possible. I promise to nearby in some bushes.

Yankees fans everywhere may rest comfortably in their beds tonight and

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July 1, 1995

Cam.po.-palooza!

Jade Nelson Masochist

Did you know that in order to become a campus To Whom It May Concern: rible because it means we are actually entitled to

shamefully hiked up to Campus Safety and kissed

lice that you are not an alien from outer space and

The In-Between Zone

Sports

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April 1, 2015

LHU lands four-star basketball recruit Coach Beefcake Compulsive Gambler/LHU Booster/Former Inmate darealbeefcake@wildcats.com It is 5 am. A young man heads out of the locker room and into the quiet, dark gym. He hits the lights and starts sprinting. He runs a few suicides and takes off his warm-ups. He picks up a ball and begins dribbling and shooting. ready for school in the morning. This is the everyday life of Jafreese Barkley.

Distant cousin of Charles Barkley, he is known locally as Dirty Jafreese.

Dirty J got this nickname after everyone saw his sick handles, sweet dimes and silky smooth jump shots. His name is modeled after his game: dirty. His nickname also bodes well for him because his father, Larry Barkley (who was nicknamed Filthy B because of his mad skills on the court). Unfortunately, for Filthy B, his career ended after his senior year in high school when ruptured both achilles, tore his MCL, PCL, both ACL’s and his UCL exploded. All while trying to land from a monster dunk.

Jafreese Barkley has lived a lot of places in his 18-year life. He was born in Goose Pimple Junction, Va, but by the age of three he demanded that his family move to Lick Fork, Va. Barkley has played games for teams in Toad Suck, Ark., Hungry Horse, Mont. and Possum Trot, Ky. Dirty Jafreese averages 32 PPG, 18 APG and 10 RPG, 8 SPG, 3 BPG and manages just one turnover per-

of his ferocious trash talking. Dirty J has been known to go too far and cross the line virtually every game.

In his career, Dirty J has made 32 players cry on the court and has sent eight different opposing coaches into a severe depression. Dirty Jafreese’s head coach at Fork Sporks high school, Brian Quicksilver, lives in fear every day.

Coach Nestor has said that he is not afraid of the challenge.

Dirty J has stated his excitement for joining the LHU basketball squad.

“My goal is to go in there and blow everybody up. I’ma do ‘em dirty. I plan on mentally destroying every opponent in my face. And physically, I plan on shattering anyone’s ankles who challenges me. I plan on averaging at least 30 PPG and leading Lock Haven to an undefeated season,” Barkley said.

Dirty J continued to say, “I model my game after my favorite player growing up: Luis Scola. His ferocity and intensity goes unmatched. My freshman year will be spent tearing up this wimpy DII conference. After my freshman year, I’ma split and straight up bounce to the NBA, son. If the NBA don’t take me, I’ma sell cars with my dad Filthy B down at Filthy B’s Auto and Tow. Dem Subaru’s nice.” other thing I want to say to all my Fork Spork’s brethren out there, thank y’all for supporting me. Lick Fork will always be my home, but I ain’t never gonna see y’all again. I’m out.”

Jersey Shore, Pa. native Gould to return to LHU After the announcement by the Lock Haven University athletics department of the hiring of exPhiladelphia Eagles’ head coach Chip Kelly, there is now some more exciting news heading in the football program’s direction.

The university, in conjunction with the National Football League, announced on Saturday that Jersey Shore, Pa. native Robbie Gould will be returning to the area to be a graduate student at Lock Haven as well as be the kicker on the football team.

Gould attended Central Mountain High School in Mill Hall, just minutes away from the Lock Haven campus. Gould also attended Penn State University, where he was a freshman walk-on.

“It’s really nice to be coming back home,” said Gould. “I don’t get to come back to the area often, so it will be really welcoming to be back in Central Pa.” Gould was an undrafted free agent in 2005.

He made his NFL debut with the Chicago Bears in 2005, and he has been their kicker ever since.

The soon-to-be grad student at Lock Haven has NFL seasons, hitting 243-284. He has hit 94 total 59 yards.

In his second NFL season in 2006, Gould put up a total of 143 points by himself with the Bears.

“The NFL has been an excellent journey,” he said. “The Bears have set me up for this moment from day one. I always knew I’d be returning to Lock Haven.”

“After speaking with some of the students, most notably Christopher Sherry, I know that Bentley is a happening place, and that really excites me.”

Gould, 33, was Sherry’s babysitter when he was in elementary school. Sherry is a current sophomore at Lock Haven, and was an all-state wrestler in his junior and senior years at Blue Mountain High School in the Skook.

“I’ll never be able to thank Robbie enough for all of those long drives to the Skook when I was little.

We spent countless hours together, playing UNO and Monopoly, and teaching each other about football and wrestling,” said Sherry.

“When I was in second grade, I taught him some wrestling moves, and he taught me how to throw a football, which is still a skill I have not yet mastered.”

Gould noted that he most vividly remembers teaching Sherry how to tie his shoes when he was in third grade.

“It was the most amazing feeling, teaching a young kid a true life-skill,” said Gould. “I just couldn’t believe that a third grader didn’t know how to tie his shoes.”

Both said how excited they are to be reunited with each other in the fall. They both haven’t seen

each other since 2003.

Gould will hit campus in June, just in time for summer workouts. He is expected to be in tip-top shape when he arrives.

“I can’t wait to be back with Robbie,” said Sherry. “Guy is a true stud.”

Gould will wear No. 3 at Lock Haven, in honor of the amount of losses Sherry had in his high school wrestling career. Sherry compiled a 133-3 record while at Blue Mountain.

“This is the best feeling in the world,” said Gould.

“I’m ready to take Lock Haven to the promised land.”

Photo courtesy of www.golhu.com

Stephen A. Smith Columnist

MBB to host Kentucky ESPN’s Bayless to join LHU communication staff next season Joe Momma Fab Five Enthusiast

The Lock Haven University athletic department announced that the LHU men’s basketball team will host the Kentucky Wildcats in an exhibition game at Thomas Fieldhouse in October.

Kentucky, who is competing for an undefeated season and nationschool history.

Kentucky head coach, John Calipari said, “We’re honored to play such a prestigious basketball program next year.”

Las Vegas has released the spread for the game and Lock Haven is Kentucky’s top recruits have decommitted because they are scared to get beat so badly on national television.

Calipari had me sold to be a part of this Kentucky program, but after to reconsider the beatdown that they would give us.”

Bootsie Walker, who is sometimes referred to as the second comschedule.

Luckily for Kentucky, Wali Hepburn will have graduated and alPhil Jackson, who is in charge of the Knicks, has already expressed his love for Hepburn. “The kid makes LeBron look like a bum. In fact, Wali was more talented at the age of four than LeBron could ever dream to be,” Jackson said.

Douglas Myers PacSun Model

The once highest paid columnist in the United States and current ESPN analyst on the show First Take is joining the Lock Haven University communication staff as a professor of journalism.

Lock Haven University made the “I am very eager to begin my hopefully long-lasting stint in the Lock Haven community,” said Bayless. “Lock Haven has always been a place where I have longed to live, and this seems like a great step in my career.”

Bayless, a graduate of Vanderbilt University, began his sports writing caof college. Other notable newspaper stops include the Los Angeles Times, Dallas Times Herald.

While in Texas, Bayless won Texas Sportswriter of the Year three times in Also while in Dallas, Bayless wrote a trilogy of books about the Dallas Cowboys after the Cowboys won three Super Bowls in four years. come the lead sports columnist for The Lisagor Award for excellence in sports

In 2000, Bayless was voted Illinois Sportswriter of the Year by the National Sportscasters and Sportswriters Association. umnist was in San Jose for The San ESPN hired Bayless full-time in show Cold Pizza and was a columnist to co-host the show First Take, and he still holds that position today, as well as writing columns for ESPN.com.

“The decision to leave ESPN to come to Lock Haven for a lot less money wasn’t easy,” he said. “I want to thank ESPN for everything they have done for me over the past ten plus years.”

We will all need to welcome Skip with open arms. Leaving ESPN to come be a professor at a state school in Pa., for much less money, is not an easy decision to make.

Bayless will begin professing courscampus, to remind him that he is in Pa. now, and that his Dallas Cowboys are vivid rivals among the Eagles-portion of the Lock Haven University student body.

“Excited is an understatement for me,” said Bayless.

“But what I am most excited about is getting to work alongside the pride of the University of Southern California,

Tribune.

“Lock Haven has always been a place where I have longed to live, and this seems like a great step in my career.”

“But what I am most excited about is getting to work alongside the pride of the University of Southern California, Dr. Matt Girton.”

-Skip Bayless Photo courtesy of www.lhufoundation.org

15

Sports

April 1, 2015

16

Sports

April 1, 2015

LHU announces hiring of Chip Kelly What a past couple days it has been here in The Haven.

Following former head coach John Allen’s resignation in February, the Lock Haven University athletic department announced the hiring of ex-Philadelphia Eagle’s head coach Chip Kelly on Monday morning.

A press conference is set for Friday, April 3.

Kelly noted that his decision to leave the Eagles, where he has been head coach for the past two seasons, was not an easy one, but that college was algame in my heart,” said Kelly.

“When the Lock Haven job opened up, I knew that this was the right place for me. I can’t wait to hit up Wal-Mart when I get on campus.”

Kelly’s head coaching career began at the University of Oregon, where he was hired in 2009. Kelly went 46-7 overall as the head coach of the Ducks, including 3-2 in bowl games.

Chip was named head coach of the year in 2010 by six different news outlets.

Kelly compiled a 20-12 record as head coach of the Eagles. After a dismal season in 2012, Kelly led Eagles’ head coach in 2013.

cord of 10-6, but failed to make the playoffs.

The knock on Kelly is that he hasn’t always been able to win the big games. He has fallen short in almost every big NFL game, except for one, which was in 2014 on Thanksgiving at the Dallas Cowboys.

His coaching style was not a known commodity around the NFL world until Kelly took over as head coach of the Eagles. His up-tempo, no-huddle, and fast style of play was more or less picked up by more NFL teams in 2014.

Following the 2014 season, Eagles’ owner Jeffrey Lurie decided to give Kelly full roster control of the Eagles. The move demoted then-general manager Howie Roseman, promoting Chip to oversee all player personnel decisions.

Kelly led the Eagles in their most wild offseason in franchise history, as he traded away franchise rushing leader LeSean McCoy, while also trading away starting quarterback Nick Foles.

Chip is also vastly regarded for his knowledge of sports science and nutrition, which he brought to the Eagles. He even had his players wear sleep monitors while they sleep at night.

His up-tempo style of practices sometimes weren’t highly regarded in the NFL, but should be welcomed to the Lock Haven football program.

He was known as a great recruiter in college, and that is something that the Lock Haven community is hoping he can bring to the program.

Chip will bring along ex-Alabama head coach Nick Saban to be his defensive coordinator, as well as ex-Houston Texans head coach Bill O’Brien to be his offensive coordinator. They now have three of the best recruiters in the country.

Kelly will earn $3.2 million in each year of his an undefeated season and a PSAC championship.

“It’s a sizable paycut than in Philly,” said Kelly.

“But there are perks, such as Starbucks and the movies that you can rent out in the library.”

“Rudy is my favorite.”

The Lock Haven University football program is in need of a great salesman and a good recruiter, and Kelly should be able to sell the great food at Bentley better than anyone else in the country.

Its go time, Bald Eagle Nation, and ole’ Chipper is going to have this football program bouncing and ready to play come the fall.

“I’m ready to turn this football program into a contender,” said Chip. “It’s going to be a fun ride.”

This is the time to embrace a phenomenon that is rarely seen in Division-II college football. We have the opportunity for something special as a university, and we need to rally around Chocolate Chip Kelly and the football program.

Big things are ahead.

“Let’s go, Haven Nation.”

“When the Lock Haven job opened up, I knew that this was the right place for me. I can’t wait to hit up Wal-Mart when I get on campus.”

-Chip Kelly, new Lock Haven head football coach

Photo courtesy of www.golhu.com

Jayson Moyer Cutest Sports Editor Ever