Eagle Eye (04.01.2014)

April 1, 2014

WARNING: This issue contains satire and parody!!

Lock Haven University’s

April Fools’ n Editio Cute animals matter guys:

The

nobodycares@gmail.com

Ecoli

Billy Currington’s Sister Wives: MTV reality show to be filmed on campus

Stuff (42)

Spanish (42)

No Life (42)

See page 42 Sporty Spice (42)

Follow us!

@LHUEagleEye

/ LHUEagleEye

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The log News of Alpha2579

42 2

Staff List Mean Ol’ Boss Lady: Angela Dolan cryptkeeper@lhup.edu

Topless Oreo Lover: Dayna Bloch oreome@lhup.edu

Broke college students: Kate Hibbard HibbyKay@lhup.edu Kyra Smith-Cullen KrazyKay@lhup.edu

Queen of the Nerds: Kathleen Ellison queenbee@lhup.edu

Hubert Jack Stadium vandalized with unusual markings Lois Lane Guest Writer llane@dailyplanet.com

or not there is life on other plan-

by the appearance of unusual “I’ve never seen anything

President of Stevie Nicks Fan Club: Kayla Marsh musicbeotch@lhup.edu

Though

the

markings

Crazy Coat Lady:

Jaimee Kester ilovecoats@lhup.edu

Sexxxy Layday:

Sarah Eckrich howsexyami@lhup.edu

The Supreme:

“I believe that the symbols are an intelligent being’s at-

Erika White covenbtch@lhup.edu

Online Master of Ceremonies: John Sosnowski theman@lhup.edu

Seneeyor Capee Edeeter: Rachel Mazza rmazza@lhup.edu

The lady who won’t tell us her real name: Lona Middleton Alias@lhup.edu

Ariel Guerra Thingamabob@lhup.edu

The Doctor: Cody Shaub

Ads Pimp:

Henderson Nathan lol349@lhup.edu

Advisor:

Sharon Stringer, Ph.D

This Week’s Writers:

Lois Lane, Loki Laufeyson, Perry White, Elena Fisher, Elfangor of Mars, Sarah Paulson, The Queen, Miley Cyrus, Jenny Finch, Unpaid slaves to journalism, Hamsters

APRIL FOOLS EDITION

to use preparing for a possible -

“The only question I have is what attention to our small campus termine the truth of the cryptic ists have been making parking “It’s obvious that it’s a -

Photo courtesy of Flibity Jibbits

- Above: strange symbols found on the turf of

Hubert Jack Stadium. Experts are working to

want to park a mile away just because tourists are taking up the decipher the cryptic message.

People are trying to ignore the

New technconquer. Surrender or you will die surrender now Fero cor ate conseque sundian imagnis rem volores totatem net volut vid quam, quas aut labo. Eres id explaut videlenim la quiandis doluptatenis cumquae. Eveliqu aerum, culparis es earum voloribus voles es doluptatur acepreh endaes es provita sae perum int volestr uptatur? Et quid moluptaEndamus dellabo rempos veriatenis et que volorporum fugit as dolorum

The Ecoli News

APRIL FOOLS EDITION

42 3

Fountain of Youth discovered on campus New Girl Lolcat

The spring water bubbled upward with enough force to break open the bottom told the difference.

Jury Fountain has long been a stawith the spring weather rolling through.

Now the fountain may become known as the university’s claim to fame and fortune. to come back to life, Erika White, a “preshie freshie” majoring in Russian literature, swan dived into its crisp blue water on Sunday. to be injured after jumping into the shallow fountain, White did not sustain any injuries.

However she did emerge as a toddler.

Upon investigation, university custodians discovered that the pipes under Jury Fountain busted during this year’s harsh winter. The busted pipes and running water deteriorated the ground beneath the fountain and dug into a natural spring.

rently debating whether to keep the famed spring water in the fountain and display it as a tourist attraction, to drain the fountain quiet about the issue altogether.

Meanwhile, White is being studied though she seems to be physically healthy and is a perky, happy baby, she is in intensive care under her parents’ and many doctors’ supervision.

“Personally, I like her better this can’t wait to bring her home again.”

Reporters asked Erika for comment Sunday night, however she just started to cry.

Side note: until either a method of age reversal is discovered or Erika is ready Photos courtesy of Erika White for college once again, the Eagle Eye has an opening for their Sports Editor position. Left to right: Victim Erika White just days prior to her dip in the Please email us if you are interested. Knowl- Jury Fountain on Ivy Lane and then her new appearance after edge of sports is not necessary.

falling into its mystical water.

Student finds corpses in Stevenson Library walls Elena Fisher Patient at Bellefonte Psychiatric Ward

‘Monk’,” said Freebird. “I didn’t think that was true, the only thing I wanted to do was save my fellow students from a frostbitten death.” damaged the walls, which revealed a body.

“I just kept whacking and tearing down the walls

Photo courtesy of pinterest.com/ pin/503629170800316134/

Above: Students remain oblivious that bodies may be hidden all around them.

One student, angered by the freezing temperatures in the 24 hour study lounge, decided to take action and stumbled upon 14 bodies hidden inside the walls on Sunday, March 30.

“I’m always so cold in the study lounge and the librarians wouldn’t turn up the temperature,” said Morgan Freebird, a senior studying philosophy.

“I told her to keep her nose out of it, but she didn’t listen,” said one librarian, who wished to remain unnamed in this article.

Freebird reportedly continued to question the staff as to why the temperature couldn’t be increased until appeared to give up and left the library.

Police say that Freebird waited until 4 a.m. to reenter the study lounge, when she grabbed the emertecting the thermostat.

“When I looked, it was turned down to 16 degrees. And that number seemed strange, like they were trying to store bodies like I’d seen on ‘CSI’, ‘NCIS’ and

bodies are in there, but I found 14.3,” said Freebird.

An general education requirement necessity had lead to Freebird taking an Introduction to Anthropology course and she says that she used the skills she learned in that class to determine that the oldest body she found Haven University had mysteriously disappeared.

Another student entered the library at that time and called Public Safety to report the damage.

“All I saw was some crazy chick chopping down the walls and I thought “I don’t really want to get near After that, Freebird was removed from the premises and the bodies have disappeared, along with any damage done to walls.

“I have to give them credit, they did a good job repairing the plaster and rehiding the bodies,” said Freebird. “But I’m going to go back and knock the walls down again, until this gets resolved. Just as soon as the librarians let me back inside.”

The Ecoli News

4 42

APRIL FOOLS EDITION

Sorority catches country artist’s eye Dinah Broch Guest Writer db348674@lhup.edu -

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Student finds luck with traditional penny prank Perry White Guest Writer pwhite@dailyplanet.com One student turned a bad experience into

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Photo courtesy of mikeythedailyspiral.blogspot.com

APRIL FOOLS EDITION

Police Reports

42

Date

Time

Location

Description

Date

Time

Location

Description

03/27/2014

12:02 A.M.

A5 Parking Lot

Student reported

03/29/2014

4:29 A.M

PUB

Furniture reported stolen and replaced

found no student at location.

trees.

03/29/2014

11:28 P.M.

East Campus

Student reported to be opossums. Student

for assistance. Case

and paper crown.

accused female of

student found in

newt. Woman declared

function of owners student.

Owner offering reward. He’s kept it

student life. of all left socks.

Referred to student life.

03/28/2014

10:10 A.M.

Raub

Report of student bringing small cat to student to open bag, small cat indeed found. socks. Referred to student life.

03/31/2014

3:32 A.M.

ECSC

Student reports being raccoons. Responding use.

student life. reported missing. dressed females found

to scale planetarium.

03/29/2014

2:18 A.M.

Russell Lawn

Students found performing dark ritual. Suspected to bring good grades and

missing.

president in face.

Clown referred to student life. defecating in stairwell.

Arts & Entertainment

42

Mountain Sunrise Staff Writer msunshine@lhup.edu

MS: Have you always been interested in acting?

an in Sloan Auditorium that

MS: How do you feel when you are up on stage?

MS: Have you always loved the theatre? and What is your favorite play?

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MS: What are people’s reactions to your acting?

Ana Gram Staff Writer anagram@lhup.edu

MS: Is there anything about Sloan Auditorium that you would change?

MS: Do you do anything to stay in shape because you look great?

MS: Who is your favorite actor/actress?

Mountain Sunrise: When did you come to Lock Haven?

April 1, 2014

MS: What advice would you give to actors these days?

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Photo courtesy of minecraftforum.net

Above: In her spare time Lady White dabbles in amateur photography.

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At the conclusion of the fourth season, “The

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“We just don’t know what else we can

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Photo courtesy of dualshockers.com

April 1, 2014

Arts & Entertainment

42

Did You Know? The Beatles ‘come together’ Leonardo DiCaprio Oscars.

Spencer McCoy Music & Cat Connoisseur hitmeup@yeahyougirl.com The ghosts of John Lennon and George Harrison have magically appeared at Paul McCartney’s house Friday Abbey Road” says Lennon.

According to Lennon the Beatles will reunite for one miracle.

The Beatles told reporters at CNN the album will -

now and have already started working on a few rhymes to add to the collaboration of artists.”

Paul McCartney recently released a press staterison came back from the dead, but he is very pleased to have the band reunite and is looking forward to going back Photo courtesy of ulife.vpul.upenn.edu on tour with his old friends.

COMING SOON

DVD 4/1

Star Wars: Episode VII Fondling Follicles

told us is they already have a few guest artists in mind.

Wiz Khalifa, Chris Martin from Coldplay, and Ozzy Osborne are just a few of the artists that will be featured in making an album that combines artists from different music genres to draw in all types of listeners.” passing of John Lennon and George Harrison changed music forever. bers managed to come back to life with little to no sign they were even dead. Conspiracy theorists have been having a witchcraft is suspected).

However we can both rest assure that whichever way they came back, there here and their ready to rock. We

First ever preview of the new book “Diary of a Sim” Dear diary, Today was not the best of days.

Everything seemed to just suddenly break, no warning or anything. I got out of the shower and then my

4/1 Die Hard 17: Die Already More Vampires 2

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it. I’m thinking “I JUST got clean again and now I have to do this.” So I get my wrench out and wrench a it real good for a bit and then I was golden, good as new. It was kind before in my life!

Once that was out of the way, I went to continue my usual routine. I used the toilet and then that clogged up too! I’m like “Really?” so I had to wrench that too. When some food.

My roomate and best friend Rita, whom I’d just met the other day by the way, was cooking food. The dinner we had last night was fantastic at so I was looking forward to this meal, especially since I knew she couldn’t mess it up I mean, she was a celebrity chef after all. Obviously I’d thought wrong because before I knew it she was freakstarted freaking out about it. Thank goodness for smoke So by this point I began thinking about how I

needed a new stove so I started running through different possibilities while Rita balled her eyes out. I went over to inspect it to see what might be left for help but instead of seeing a totally ruined stove a brand new one was sitting it’s place. How bizarre, right!?

That sort of stuff happens to me all the time. Sometimes, my TV will just randomly turn on or my stereo. I once had the stations on my radio just start switching ranstations but they were doing it on their own accord. Really, really freaky stuff.

I’ve been wondering about this stuff a lot lately.

You know today I looked in the mirror and saw this weird green diamond above my head!? I don’t even know what that thing IS and none of my millions of friends have one!

As if my day wasn’t bad enough. The whole reason to fall asleep I don’t eve- zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

“Diary of a Sim” author Sally Sparrow has also written the award winning biography “An Alien Took My Best Friend” and is currently trapped in time. Look for “Diary of a Sim” in bookstores this Spring.

Arts & Entertainment J.K. Rowling reveals plans to You know rewrite Harry Potter series 42

Tony Stark Staff Writer iamironman@lhup.edu J.K Rowling announced plans to rewrite her Harry Potter series yesterday morning.

In an interview with Wonderland Magazine in early February J.K. Rowling announced that she did not believe Hermione should have ended up with Ron, causing much argument in internet forums.

less childhoods.”

Meanwhile some fans are overjoyed at the chance of new material. Sophomore Carl Stevens, a communication major, said, “this is a great opportunity for improvement. I can’t wait to read about how Doby becomes house elves, and bombs the Ministry of Magic. I’m also really pumped that instead of a cute little house elf, Doby will be riddled with battle scars and be totally bitter to the world of magic.”

There have even been rumors that Warner Broth-

Rowling’s desire to remake of the change series with a her million whole new cast. dollar seWhen asked ries did not about the end there. changes DanEarly this iel Radcliffe morning expressed an she aninterest in the nounced role of Severus plans on Snape, who in rewriting the new cannon Photo courtesy of telegraph.co.uk the entire series Swedish hippy. claiming it This is a change - that has fans both up in arms and exment”. cited about.

“I came to the decision after New cast members will include having dinner with George Lucas and hollywood favorites like Lindsey LoStephanie Meyer” said Rowling in an han as Hermione, Shia Lebouf as Ron interview. “I just feel like I did not do Weasley, and Justin Beiber as Harry my readers or the story justice. I think Potter. The older characters have yet this is for the better. They are the most to be cast, but we can only hope for the amazing fans and they only deserve best from the billionare author. my very best.”

Rowling also stated that she is In the rewrite not only does Hermione marry Harry, but Ron Wea- beloved series. “I’m a huge Glee fan,” sley marries Draco Malfoy. Also being she has stated. “I hope that maybe we changed is Harry’s scar which instead can add some musical magic to Hogof lightning bolt is a crescent moon, warts. I always pictured Oliver Wood and the discovery that Harry’s real fa- singing ‘I’ll Make a Man Out of You.’ ther is Voldemort. from Mulan.”

Many fans are outraged at The newly rewritten Harry this announcement. Freshman Julia Potter series can be expected to hit bookshelves in early spring 2016 with is a complete travesty, and disgusting. This is not only ruining a perfectly Magical Conundrum”. good piece of literature but also count-

April 1, 2014

what really

Love your life

April 1, 2014

Look fabulous this spring

42

Lee J. Keester Fashion Maven

Natural makeup

Spring is the most exciting fashion season. It’s when you

Bright colors

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great.

Your own perfume

Flowers

Photo courtesy of waituntilsunset.

Microwave your meat tonight Dani Blockie Future Food Network Star

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mins.

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What is life?

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April 1, 2014

“I spent spring break on the moon” Hillary Ous Staff Writer House@lhup.edu A Lock Haven student just returned from an out of this world spring break trip.

Lizi Wolfmaan, a junior majoring in astrology, spent her spring break at the moon. Wolfmaan traveled with a group of experimental moon explorers. She applied for the opportunity in October but never thought she’d get accepted.

“I mean when I saw on Craigslist that I could spend a week exploring the moon, I thought it was just too good to be true.” said Wolfmaan. trip. Ten people in all made the long trip to space, and according to Wolfmaan getting in was competitive.

“I knew that the competition was steep when I went for my interview,” said Wolfmaan. “I had to meet Dr. AnnKoort in his basement stuff and I think they were all applications for people wanting to go to the moon.”

Wolfmaan has been dreaming about visiting the moon since she was a young girl. She always wanted to be an astronaut but got too sick when her parents sent her to space camp in the fourth grade. She never gave up on her love of science though, and came to Lock Haven as an astronomy major.

“Yeah I was an astronomy major, but then I failed astronomy like 3 times. I just couldn’t get it. “ said Wolfmaan.

She didn’t let her dream die there though. She decided to instead affairs of humans.

“A lot of people think that it’s all a hoax and stuff,” said Wolfmaan. “but like now I’ve been to the moon so I’ve seen things. Lots of things, and I know that it’s real.”

Wolfmaan was only on the moon for about a day because of the amount of time it takes to travel there and back, but she said the experience was unlike any other.

“I felt like I was on the plane for ever.” said Wolfmaan.

The group took a plane that Dr. AnnKoort bought and transformed into a spaceship. According to Wolfmaaan they took off from AnnKoort’s yard where he installed a launchpad.

Dr. AnnKoort was not available to comment on the trip or his spaceship creation.

Some students are not as impressed with Wolfmaan’s journey and some are even saying it’s all a hoax. She has been getting Facebook messages that accuse her of being a liar and crazy.

“I just don’t think you can change a plane into a spaceship.” said Willie Gringer, a senior physics major. “It just doesn’t work that way.”

Not all of the responses are negative ones though. Some students are really jealous of Wolfmaan and want to go on their own adventure to the moon. Wolfmaan has been getting stopped on Ivy Lane by supporters and those wishing to visit the moon.

“I just can’t believe she actually got to go.” said Janie Washingotn, s freshman mathematics major. “I spent my spring break working at McDonalds. I so would have rather been on the moon.”

Wolfmaan is helping those interested in the moon prepare for their own journey and gave them AnnKoort’s contact information so that they can apply too. Wolfmaan thinks that the more people interested in the moon the better.

“It’s all about interest. If we don’t gain the next class’s interest in moon exploration, we’ll never ever know what’s really out there.

Wolfmaan doesn’t care about the negative comments though. She knows that her trip happened and is using it as a learning experience. thinking about starting her own business.

“I just feel so much more connected to the stars already, it’s amazing. I can’t wait until I can afford to go again.” said Wolfmaan.

April 1, 2014

Get a life

42

Student admits to eating newspaper

Regina Falangee Staff Writer rfalangee@lhup.com

The only downside I can honestly say about eating newspaper is the resi-

I would like everyone at Lock Haven to know the joys of my strange addiction. A lot of people discourage me from my strange addiction and tell me it’s not healthy, but I don’t care. Eating newspaper is so great for you! There are so many amazing advantages to eating newspaper and I am here to tell you about them.

Eating newspaper tastes so much better than eating regular paper. News-

it to get the truly amazing taste of the paper. I also read on my online chat room, “read it then eat it,” that there are many key nutrients in the special ink used by the Eagle Eye that will actually cure migraine headaches and the common cold.

So just think about it Lock Haven University, not only will you absorb knowledge you will cure all of your ailments. So next time you second guess picking up the Eagle Eye remember all the nutritional value and the knowledge you are passing up.

Photo courtesy of gokicker.com

it tastes so much better than the printer ink in Raub. The printer ink in the library is pretty decent but sometimes it tastes just a little too “inky” for my Eagle Eye’s ink to any other ink on campus. If any of you Lock Haven students real lifesaver sometimes.

That’s why I ALWAYS pick up the Eagle Eye. Like I said, it’s great to read and it great to eat! Killing two birds with one stone people! Also, I haven’t proven it yet, but I’m hoping that I will absorb the knowledge from the paper by consuming it. It’s seems logical, but there hasn’t been funding for the research yet. Come on science department; get on this ground breaking research!

Check your future for this week

Lizi Wolfmaan Astrology major

Aires (12/14-1-20) The squirrel you see today will bring you great prosperity.

The number 456 is your friend.

Taurus (6/28-7/19) Painting your nails sea foam green will bring love to the forefront. The numbers 321 and 17 are your great numbers.

Gemini (9/11-10/20) If the sky is yellow you will receive great luck within the next week. Keep your onions close to you. Your lucky number is 87643.

Cancer (3/13-4/3) You will have an amazing connection next Thursday if you throw 50 rocks in the river. Keep the color sage in your sight. Your lucky number is .09876.

Sagittarius (2/19-3/12) Leo (11/15-12/13) The angry badger will bring you great despair this week.

Stay in bed. No numbers for you!

Virgo (1/21-2/18) You will receive a great love connection if you buy 716 giraffes. Your friend is the number 1994.

Libro (7/20-8/6) outside your door. Your great number is -1.6789.

If you drink a lot of coffee this week it will bring crappy luck. Your lucky number is 1.

Capricorn (8/7-9/10) Go buy a goat and you will prosper. It will bring you much luck. Your lucky number is 3i.

Aquarius (10/21-11/14) For a strong love connection you should walk four steps, skip for a mile, then roll down a hill twice. Your great numbers is 3.14.

Pieces(5/2-6/27) Scorpio (4/4-5/1) Four for you Glenn Coco. You go Glen Coco. Your lucky number is 4.

luck down. RING DING DING DING! Your great numbers are .432 and .9876.

42

O nion

April 1, 2014

World peace Heinous hijinks right meow harm

true humor

Committing an entire newspaper to April Fools’ Day would be journalistic suicide.

We’re all far too familiar with those people who make increasingly pathetic attempts at some sort of April Fools’ Day prank. Those people are never clever, never funny and worst of all, they never realize it. Eventually things just get awkward.

The Eagle Eye staff recognizes that humor is a delicate matter. We know that it is to be revered and are appalled when untrained amateurs attempt to be funny. Hoaxes, pranks and jokes are little morsels of heaven that we get to share with each other. We can’t risk tarnishing them with blow after blow of low to no quality pseudo-comedic material.

That’s why we can’t understand what might motivate a newspaper to dedicate itself to April Fools’ Day shenanigans.

A newspaper reports relevant facts, tells relevant stories, gives a forum for relevant opinions—it serves a community. That community depends on its newspaper for credible and regularly scheduled information. How is any readership supposed to react when they’re stiffed an issue because the staff wants to try to play a joke?

And it always is just that: a try, a shot in the dark. Take us, for exslapping knees around the newsroom, it’s an act of violence. Sure, we laugh a lot, but that doesn’t mean anything is actually funny.

Gary Snook Feline Enthusiast nodogsallowed@catz.cat

The world is made of two types of people: cat people and dog people.

Many of us love various animals, but it’s a dog and cat world and cats and the war is for your home and heart.

Even when we go to the pet store, it is cats divided by dogs and dogs divided by cats. This is war and, as we can see, dogs and cats were always meant to battle.

We have to choose what side gry and they can never get enough, whether material goods, wealth or so-

good joke here and there, but that’s all bonus baby—jokes aren’t part of the

their masters in that they’re always following orders. This can create ripples in both human and canine social orders.

the audience isn’t accosted by humor constantly. You should be able to read a newspaper safely, reassured that no deviations will be made from what matters: the story.

willing to do anything for a treat, just like their masters. They’ll do anything if there is an incentive for them.

don’t see any room in that process for humor.

We’d also like to apologize on behalf of all newspapers that have made the poor choice to try to come out with some April Fools’ Day edition. The

their masters are also on some kind of leash, controlled and constrained, only experiencing freedom when permitted or in some “proper” space, like

immoral to abuse the position of public informant—public servant really—for personal chuckles.

Shame on any staff who chooses to practice such unholy behavior. Exile them from print to the internet. Shun them such that they may never receive any likes, comments, reblogs or fans while trapped in the world-wide web.

You never have to worry about those kinds of childish pranks with us. This may be your college newspaper, but we like to think of it like a real adult paper. We want reading this newspaper to prepare you for reading other newspapers out in the real world, after college.

So we won’t try to trick you. We know better. Trust us. We look like decent, honest folks.

Cats, on the other hand— they’re intelligent. They clean themselves and require very little to survive—food, water, litter box.

This expresses their willingness to see past petty, mundane boundaries and display their intel-

Cats seem to require little food because they aren’t hungry in the same fashion as a dog. Cats aren’t ly and always have a sparkle in their love you.” Dogs just run around and destroy their food and cares only to

We know this because dogs won’t run on their own for much else.

Their masters have to walk them and play with them. Cats don’t require playtime with their masters. Most times they’re off pondering the world and wondering how to be better.

Their masters often times ponder their lives. They stare into the landscape presented to them and they ask questions. They are deep people for whom being themselves no matter what the situation is vital.

You’ll never catch a cat person caving in to the will of others or arbitrary norms.

My point is that cats exceed dogs’ boundaries. And like cats, their masters are very driven and intelligent people who don’t always follow the path that has been laid out for them to follow.

Just like the cat can contort to sleep in strange places and climb and jump, their masters are always morphing around society. While staying one step ahead, they’re also always looking back, contemplating what’s going on with everyone else.

The funny thing is that whether or not a cat likes what it sees, it will always just shrug it off and move on. They’ll engage it if they can and leave it be if they can’t.

The same can be said about cat ownamongst themselves.

Cat people keep things cool.

Dog people cause wars.

cat can.

April 1, 2014

Sarah Eckrich Master Life Hacker @lhup.edu Perusing Tumblr the other day, I came across a rather enlightening chart. There were three columns: one listing planets, another indicating the presence of a variable, and the last denoting the death toll associated with its corresponding planet.

The important part was the last—the death tolls. There was a startling contrast among planetary death tolls. We’ve been claiming that all other planets are unlivable and here no one has ever died on a single planet except one: Earth.

Clearly we must be doing something wrong, but what could it be?

The answer lies with that middle column: the presence of certain variables. The question concerns aspects of life here on Earth not present on other planets. The only planet hospitable to life is also the only one where life is ending. Our Earthly activities are affecting our mortality rates.

And as it turns out, there are a lot of exclusively Earthly activities.

For example, take showers—I was doing just that this morning and I realized that my hygiene could be killing humans. When was the last time you saw an alien shower? They sure don’t look

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like they bathe very often. And when was the last time NASA showed us any images of bathhouses in space? Clearly, bathing sets us aside from the rest of the galaxy.

That’s only the tip of the iceberg (which planets may lack, by the way, but I’d argue that icebergs).

How about our many guilty pleasures? We justify them by bonding over shared shameful hobbies. It’s okay to waste hours watching “How I Met Your Mother” because other people are doing it. But are other planets doing it? No. In fact, I think you’d that’s ever been an interplanetary success. Other planets ignore that garbage and people don’t die; we indulge and people do die. Coincidence?

Other planets ignore the creators of comSaturn has no Miley Cyrus. The old adage goes that one can sell his or her soul for fame; turns out that the price is much steeper. They get fame and we pay in human lives.

The mass loss of life may never end if we don’t learn to remodel ourselves after our great neighbors.

Right now, Earth is the crazy relative that a family would have kept locked in their attic a century ago. We just can’t seem to get it right. We can’t

Letters to wonderful me To the editor:

Since I have a few minutes to write, I have wanted to say something for a continue to be, completely unbiased. What paper is actually this unbiased? None.

I am the real world knocking and let me tell you, this is unacceptable. Here is a college level paper showing the campus that what goes on around them is important and worthy of news articles. The level of optimism and honest journalism is abhorrent.

The students are not going to know what to expect when they leave college and start reading legitimate, completely one sided papers. The world isn’t going to change because you put out a paper that celebrates the students in their academic endeavors and the multitude of sports we participate in. I just hope you understand what it is you are doing to these people. You are giving them a paper with legitimate information and well-rounded articles that only shows them how journalist should be.

You are teaching a new group of journalists and editors how to be open-minded and unbiased. This is a detestable act and someone needs to hold you all accountable for your actions.

Sincerely fuming, April Scherz

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want to do things our own way. We want to prove that we can be unique among all of the other planets.

Alas, we are only unique in our great failure. teresting variable in the middle column: marijuana.

Now I don’t know how many aliens you’ve seen, but I have quite a bit of experience with them (I happen to be an X-Files enthusiast). Aliens look pretty stoned, like all the time. It’s fairly safe to assume that they’ve got some subterranean gardening going on out there in the galaxy.

So I kind of think that the guys who made the chart I saw on Tumblr got that one a little wrong, but their theory was entirely correct.

We’ve got to turn Earth into a beautiful, desolate space rock or people will just keep dying forever.

Away with vanilla ice cream, vacuum cleaners, Sunday comics and cappuccinos with little pictures in the foam. No more sailboats, tree houses or porch swings. Burn your books, break your smartphones and shred your family photos. It’s all lending to the downfall of humanity.

As you move through your life, notice the decisions you make. Ask yourself if you’re interacting with things shared by other planets. If they’re strictly Earthly, they might be bad. You could be leading the charge to your own doom and indeed the doom of us all.

Have a comment?

Know

what

that

sounds

like

to

me?

YOUR problem.

Oh yes, that’s right. You’ve had your chance. And you never write to me.

So if you have problems now, cry to your Facebook, your mom —I don’t care really. Take your social media and your frenemies and your ideas elsewhere. I can’t even look at you.

Deportivo

42

December 17, 1974

Sports are the bestest: a commentary by two sport wizzes Erika White The Supreme the8thwonder@la.com

Kayla Marsh President of Stevie Nicks Club hitmeupintheswamp@no.org

Everyone should watch sports! We’re obsessed with sports! Our favorite team is the New Orleans Patriots. They’re point guard Peyton Manning is the best player in the NHL, hands down. We love it when he hits the ball all the way down to the end zone and puts it in the basket.

We also love it when he passes the puck to Derek Jeter, the best running-back Manchester United has ever seen.

Side note, did you see Tiger Wood’s three point layup from the 50-yard line last night? Oh gee wiz, that was a great point boost for the Pittsburgh Penguinos! When he hit the ball to shortstop Sidney Crosby, we almost peed our pants of pure excitement! David Beckham seemed to be their only opposition when he spiked the football into the sand, stopping their double-play with one vigorous hair swish…that he grew out just for the game.

Usain Bolt just recently beat the record for weightlifting polar bears in Russia and was given the Jason Collins award for Russia’s most beloved athlete. Mia Hamm was also there, competing in an ultimate frisbee tournament, but was injured

when her helmet got caught in the net during a slide into home.

Gabby Douglas has also been put onto the injured list due to a freak tackling incident while shredding some pow pow on Mount Vesuvius.

Douglas hopes to be back in action as the labero of the Australian larping team by winter of 2045.

Also in the news, ESPN crowned Hulk Hogan as the winner of the sports world after he Yankee Stadium. It was a beautiful site. the MBL to pursue his lifelong dream as a seeker Jackie Robinson came out of retirement to able to shut him down in an exhibition match.

We’d also like to take this time to congratulate Ben Roethlisberger for winning the Hymen Trophy.

How could you not like sports?! Sports are great!!

July 27, 1991

Deportivo

42

Brackets un-busted Chris Fravel toomanyfeathers@gmail.com

Many thought the Mid-West region of the men’s NCAA basketball tournament to be the toughest one in years. You had Wichita State, Kentucky, Louisville, Duke, and Michigan all vying for a shot at the Final Four bid in North Texas. Add the upsets from Mercer and Tennessee into the mix and it is fair to say that this particular section of the bracket has been one of the craziest in years.

However, all that is for not. Word has just come from the NCAA headquarters that the baskets used in all of the Mid-West regional games were compromised by a faulty screw that connects the rim to the backboard. After taking deliberating amongst each other and taking a vote, the board of directors of the NCAA have decided that the entire region must be replayed from the round of 64. That means Duke is back into the mix, along with Wichita State, Massachusetts, and all of the other teams that were eliminated in those rounds.

Since most of the venues being used in those rounds are booked up now, the games will be played at various YMCAs across the country. If court space is too hard to come by, games will be pushed onto outdoor playgrounds. after being played over again. Will the Mercer Bears be able to upset Duke again and maybe redeem themselves by going even further than the round of 32? Will Wichita State come out on-top of the Kentucky Wildcats and resume their position as the most dominant team in the Mid-West region? Not to mention the undefeated streak, can the Shockers cap-it-off with a championship? These are all questions that we have to ask ourselves as the NCAA tournament gets set to restart I would like to personally thank the chairman of NCAA men’s basketball operations, Ron Wellman for his prompt call with this information on Tuesday, April 1st…oh, wait…shoot.

Mia Hamm to be new head coach John Poli Taylor Lautner impersonator jlaut@kristenstewart.com

The search appears to be over for the new Lock Haven University Women’s Soccer coach.

Rumors are that former USA great Mia Hamm will be announced as head coach in the next few days.

A press conference will be held at Thomas Field House at a time to be determined, where Lock Haven Athletic Director, Mark Sherburne is expected to announce Hamm, 42, as the next head coach.

Neither the Lock Haven athletic department nor Hamm would comment on the rumor and are waiting until after the press conference takes place to answer questions for the media.

Hamm was one of the best soccer players to ever play the game. She first made the national

spotlight in 1987 when she was only 15 years old and made the United States national soccer team.

When she graduated high school she played college soccer at North Carolina where she helped lead North Carolina to four national titles in five seasons. During her span as a Tar Heel, the team only lost one game. Hamm became a member of the first ever United States FIFA world cup championship team in 1991.

Hamm was also a member of first ever United States Olympic gold medal team in 1996 and won a second gold medal with 2004 team. In 1999 the United States hosted the FIFA world cup and Hamm helped lead the United States to another FIFA cham-

pionship on their home turf. Hamm won the first two FIFA Player of the Year Awards ever given out when she won back-to-back player of the year awards in 2001 and 2002.

In 2004, when Hamm retired she helped the record for the most international goals between both men and women with 159. Her record was broken last year by current United States player Abby Wambach.

Hamm has spent the last 10 years raising her three children with husband, former six-time major league baseball all-star, Nomar Garciaparra who works as a baseball analysts for ESPN.

42

Deportivo

April 23, 1997

PSU quarterback to play for LHU Bret Pallotto Supah Stah pallottonater@dabombdiggity.com Former Penn State quarterback Christian Hackenberg-er is set to transfer to Lock Haven and will be eligible to play in the 2014-2015 season. Hackenberg-er was looking to transfer after Bill O’Brien left Penn State to take the head coaching position for the Houston Texans.

The NCAA granted Hackenberg-er’s request for immediate eligibility, which allows Hackenberg-er to practice with the team and take part in off-season training. The ruling gives the football player three years of eligibility for the Bald Eagles.

“Lock Haven has a very prestigious football program and I’m looking forward to the opportunity,” Hackenberg-er said. “I watched Lock Haven play every Saturday growing up and I’m really excited about this new opportunity.”

Lock Haven Athletic Direc-

Pictured above, Mark Burburne and Christian Heckenberg-er.

This photo is fake.

tor Mark Burburne, who also attended Penn State, said that he was extremely happy that Hackenberg-er decided to transfer to LHU. “We have a lot more opportunities to offer than Penn State,” Burburne said. “Very few people outside of central Pennsylvania have heard of Penn State. When you think about Pennsylvania football, you think Lock Haven, not Penn State.”

Burburne continued by saying that while playing for Penn State from 1986-1987, the stadium was always half empty. “Nobody showed up to our games,” Burburne said. “We were 12-0 that year and nobody came to our games. It was the strangest thing and Beaver Stadium is still empty for their games today.”

Meanwhile, Hubert Jack Stadium has been sold out for the past decade.

“Lock Haven will win the championship this season,” Hackenberg-er said. “I can guarantee it.”