Editor’s Perspective
Drum Roll, Please!
Predictions for Mark Vaughn, CGCS Virginia Turfgrass Journal Editor
Two
2014
Thousand Fourteen. Didn’t we just begin the new millennium a couple of years ago? I saw that Clinton guy on TV the other night – still pointing at me with that crooked finger. Man, he looked old. Fifty years since the assassination of JFK? Mick Jagger is 70? Davey Love three sticks is playing the Champions Tour? The years used to flow by like the frequency of cut of a Jacobsen four-blade Blitzer unit. Now, I feel like I’m inside of an Eclipse 2 with 15 blades, hanging on for dear life. Well, at least there is no THIRTEEN in this year. Of course, if you loaded up on stocks last year, 2013 was certainly not unlucky for you. Being the seasoned investor that I am, I decided, what with sequesters, government shutdowns looming, low consumer confidence, Arabs going crazy, high unemployment and the fed printing money faster than bermudagrass goes through a goose, it would be a good time to put a sizeable part of my 401k on the sidelines. Mmmmhhmmmm……. But I’m SURE 2014 will be much better… yadda… yadda. So, here to help you through, in our best Norman Vincent Peale/Joel Osteen positive vein, are predictions to live by, for you and yours. The disclaimer: Imagine, if you will, the guy at the end of the car ad who talks real fast. You know, the ad where they’ve just insinuated that the dealership is going to sell you a 50k car for $49.95 profit. AND, they’re going to give you twice as much as your old clunker is worth. AND, they’re going to finance it all for $100 down at 0.9%, EVEN WITH your bad credit. Yeah, that one. Well, he just issued a VTC disclaimer in case this nonsense offends anyone or doesn’t come true. Listen close — we know he’s in your head.
Prediction #1
Terry Mc-Auliffe joins Bob Mc-Donnell, James Mc-Dowell and Philip Mc-Kinney as the latest Mc-Governor of the great Commonwealth of Virginia. Unable to determine who won the race for Attorney General, Mc-Auliffe declares the race null and void and names Ronald Mc-Donald to the post. Named to top cabinet posts are Seth MacFarlane, Elle Mac-Pherson, Shirley Mac-Laine and Andie Mac-Dowell.
Prediction #2
Producers of “The Walking Dead” decide to save millions of dollars creating sets and applying makeup by
simply setting up on location at The Villages in Florida. Does this joke need more explanation from a guy who technically qualifies for admission?
Prediction #3
Narrated by ex-wife Tipper, the latest Nat Geo special, “An Inconvenient Truth ‘Redux’,” follows Al and his new love, environmentalist and multimillionaire Elizabeth Keadle. Leaving a carbon wake larger than a small country, Al jets around the world, spreading the gospel of Gore while selling off TV networks to oil giants and exercising millions in stock options, making him richer than that old bad
10 | Virginia Turfgrass Journal January/February 2014 www.vaturf.org
rich guy, Mitt Romney. OK, you got me. Sometimes the truth is better than a prediction.
Prediction #4
Fifty Shades of Green hits the shelves. Chronicling the exploits of harddrinking, club-member-seducing Golf Course Supt. Sage Green, the saga rockets to the top of The New York Times bestseller list. The tanned, shirtless Green always manages to manicure the grass around the pool every day around 2 p.m. One of his favorite moves is named after his equipment of choice — “the Sidewinder.” Turfheads and the uneducated alike hang on every detail as Sage describes why he prefers bentgrass over ultradwarfs when he goes out to do a little night putting.
Prediction #5
Location: USGA at Pinehurst. Arriving a week early by mistake for the Women’s U.S. Open, I.A. Maman from China says, “What the chow mein” and decides to compete in the Men’s event disguised as Liang Wen-Chong. After finishing fourth, Maman shocks the crowds around the 18th at Pinehurst by ripping off her fake mustache, taking off her hat and removing her rain pants to reveal a short skirt. In her press conference, she says, “$#%^*)!&,” which means, “Take that, Michelle Wie!” in Mandarin.
Prediction #6
Former Supt. “Sting” (remember him from the Barbizon School of Turf