RS - October 2016

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TRICKS AND TREATS FOR A HAPPY FALL SURPRISING LOW-COST ORGANIZING S OLUTIONS INSTANT AHH : BRE ATHING 101 SKILLE T DINNER S TO S AVE YOUR WEEKNIGHTS

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HOW TO R AISE C ARING KIDS SP O OKY + SIMPLE HALLOWEEN IDE A S

OCTOBER 2016

TM

Modern Classic Style Since 1947

“I would rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself than be crowded on a velvet cushion.”

H E N RY DAV I D T H O R E AU, WA L D E N

MAGNUM PHOTOS

Photograph by Alec Soth

OCTOBER 2016

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20 The height, in inches, of the teddy bear that inspired A. A. Milne’s beloved character Winniethe-Pooh. Purchased from Harrods in London, the stuffed toy was a gift for the author’s son Christopher Robin on his first birthday, in 1921.

While “Teddy Bear” had a cameo in Milne’s 1924 book of poetry, When We Were Very Young, silly old Winnie-the-Pooh was truly introduced in the eponymous book, published 90 years ago on October 14. The popular story was translated into Latin by Alexander Lenard in 1960, which led to Winnie Ille Pu’s being the only book written in Latin to make The New York Times best-seller list—where it stayed for 20 weeks!

Pretty good for a bear of very little brain.

78% The percentage of parents of children ages 9 to 12 who said they felt confident that their child would know to leave the house in the event of a fire, according to a July report from the C. S. Mott Children’s Hospital National Poll on Children’s Health. To keep you and your family safe, follow the National Fire Protection Association’s recommendation and install a smoke alarm on every level of your home, in every bedroom, and outside all sleeping areas.

Use Fire Prevention Week (October 9 to 15 ) to check the date of manufacture on the back of your smoke detector. Be sure to replace it 10 years from that date.

The maximum you’ll be fined for using or selling Silly String in L.A.’s Hollywood neighborhood between 12:01 A.M. October 31 and noon November 1. In 2004, then Los Angeles mayor James Hahn signed the ordinance into law, saying that it cost the city more than $200,000 to clean up the sticky spaghetti left behind by costumed hooligans.

But La La Land isn’t the only place trying to curb Halloween hell-raising.

In Alabama, Section 13A14-4 of the state code makes it unlawful to dress up as a minister, a priest, a nun, a rabbi, or other clergy. And several cities, like Newport News, Virginia, prohibit kids over the age of 12 from trick-or-treating at all.

The horror!

4.904 The number of seconds it took 14-year-old American Lucas Etter to solve a 3 × 3 × 3 Rubik’s Cube last November, making him the first person to break the five-second barrier. The Rubik’s Cube was created in 1974 by Hungarian sculptor and professor of architecture Ernő Rubik. These days, kids like Lucas can test their mental and digital dexterity on models called speedcubes, which have a spherelike core to reduce friction between pieces.

Speaking of mental dexterity: There are more than 43 quintillion ways to arrange a Rubik’s Cube, writes journalist Ian Scheffler in Cracking the Cube, out October 18. The book chronicles Scheffler’s attempts to solve the puzzle in under 20 seconds.

(Um, just call Lucas.)

Written by Liz Loerke

323,000 Approximately how many imperial gallons of beer exploded onto Tottenham Court Road during the London Beer Flood, on October 17, 1814. It all began at the Henry Meux & Co. brewery when a 700pound hoop slipped off a 22-foot-tall vat of porter.

The enormous vat burst, taking out neighboring vats. A 15-foot tidal wave of heady brew tore through the surrounding St. Giles slum, leaving eight dead in its wake.

While no plaque commemorates the site (the brewery was demolished in 1922), a local pub, the Holborn Whippet, serves a special “Beer Flood Porter” on the anniversary.

FOR MORE FUN, SEASONAL TRIVIA, VISIT

realsimple.com/ pumpkinfacts.

Illustration by Clare Owen

OCTOBER 2016

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ON THE COVER Tricks and treats for a happy fall Surprising low-cost organizing solutions 65 Instant ahh: Breathing 101 147 Skillet dinners to save your weeknights 166 How to raise caring kids 125 23 spooky + simple Halloween ideas 12, 26, 28, 156

Cover Photograph by

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Jeffrey W. Miller

S P O O K Y F RO N T- D O O R D E C O R AT I O N S ......................... 1 5 6

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G R AY A N D G O R G E O U S . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 4 8

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PAG E 1 96

Life Lessons GOOD READ

Best-selling author Terry McMillan shares her deeply personal thoughts about race in America . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

THOUGHTS . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2

EXPERTISE

5 surprising lessons from horror movies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5 1

THE SIMPLE LIST . . . . . . . . . 4 REALSIMPLE.COM . . . . . . 1 2

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MODERN MANNERS

Catherine Newman on inviting coworkers to a wedding, checkout-line charity requests, and more . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5 7

EDITOR’S NOTE . . . . . . . . . 1 5

the Guide

Your Words What Sunday ritual prepares you for the week ahead? . . . . . .

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HOME

FASHION

PUT YOUR WALLS TO WORK

HOW TO WEAR

Stay organized by thinking vertically

WIDE-LEG PANTS

A tutorial on this chic fall trend

..... 65

THE VETS WILL SEE

the Realist

YOU NOW

OCTOBER AT A GLANCE

Your vexing pet questions, answered . . .

How the trick-or-treating tradition began . . . . . . . . 2 5 NEW USES FOR OLD THINGS

Halloween decorating hacks . . . . . . 2 6

YOU FEEL ME?

ASK THE ORGANIZER

Clutter conundrums, solved . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

WORK & MONEY

BEAUTY 9 SECRETS TO GREAT SKIN

HEALTH

Picks from nail artist Jin Soon Choi . . . . 3 4 THE STAPLE

Saltines . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 6 HOW DID WE GET HERE?

True crime . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 8 LITTLE HELPERS . . . . . . . . 4 0

ROAD TEST

Skillets. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 9 3 BIG BATCH

Pumpkin Soup . . . . . . . . 1 9 4

ASK BUCKY

THINGS COOKS KNOW. . 1 9 6

#WOMENIRL

ROAD TEST

Why do we like to be scared? . . . . . . . . . . . . .

WHY NOT TRY…?

Shiitake mushrooms . . 1 8 9

Payal Kadakia, cofounder and CEO of ClassPass 1 3 7

CAREER COACH

Concealer. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9 8

IN THE BAG Pretty accessories for your fall closet (page 115).

The best way to approach a miffed manager . . . . . 1 3 8

Experts divulge their most valuable tips . . . . . 9 0

REAL SIMPLIFIER

DRUGSTORE CHEAT SHEET

AMERICAN VOICES

78

PRETTY SMART . . . . . . . . . 8 3

32

There’s more to empathy than the Golden Rule 1 2 5

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DIY COSTUMES

Velvet . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3 0

5 EASY DINNERS . . . . . . . 1 7 9

FAMILY

Ideas for the whole family . . . . . . . . . . . 2 8 TREND TO TRY

Food

.... 115

Essential tips for reentering the workforce . . . . . 1 4 0

Your pictures of the good, the bad, and the hilarious . . . . .

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MONEYWISE

AFTER THE DIAGNOSIS

Moving forward after learning you’re sick . . .

How and why you should finally make a will . . . . . 1 4 2

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PAG E 1 89

Features AMAZING GRAYS

Eight women show that no hair color can be the most gorgeous color of all . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 4 8 DARKEN YOUR DOOR

Chills! Thrills! Decorate your entryway with these eerily simple Halloween schemes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1 5 6 BREATHE

RELAX, FAST, WITH THIS MONTH’S DO-ANYWHERE EXERCISE (PAGE 147).

FULL HOUSE

The heartwarming story of how foster care brought a New Jersey family together . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

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SKILLET DINNERS

Easy-prep, easy-cleanup meals for any night . . . . . . . . . .

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New on realsimple.com VISIT THE SITE FO R E XC LU SIVE IDE A S, TIP S, AND WAYS TO MAKE LIFE E A SIER—E VERY DAY.

FOLLOW US ON FACEBOOK AND TWITTER @realsimple

Karen Dolyniuk Dress all in black and pin mismatched socks all over your body.

Voilà! You are the black hole in the dryer where socks disappear.

W H AT WA S YO U R M O ST C R E AT I V E C O ST U M E ?

When it comes to DIY disguises, our followers are the pros.

Carol Farmer Lowe I went to work in sweats with rollers in my hair, carrying a TV Guide. I was a couch potato. Comfiest day of work ever.

NOT SHOWN: THE BACK OF THE COSTUME FEATURES RED PAPER PLATES TO MIMIC THE LOBSTER TAIL.

COSTUME IDEAS FOR EVERYONE

TRENDING THIS MONTH

pinterest.com/realsimple

When October 1 hits, people start feverishly searching for costumes that don’t require advanced crafting expertise or sewing skills.

Luckily, we dreamed up more than a dozen for you (and your kids! and friends!) that come together with a few basic craft supplies and items that you have lying around in your closet. Pictured here: an easy “Under the Sea” ensemble that can readily expand to include more friends—add an extra jellyfish, an octopus, or a rainbow fish, so the whole family can trick-or-treat together! Visit realsimple.com/ groupcostumes for all of the simple how-tos.

MUMMY BOWL

Make a spooky vessel using googly eyes and gauze.

(Toilet paper works, too.)

BAT BOWL

With card stock and wire, you can transform a bowl of candy into a bat cave. High-flying fun for your Halloween party.

DIY THE BOWLS

Visit realsimple.com/candybowls for the full tutorials.

OCTOBER 2016

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T O P : P H O T O G R A P H BY K AT E L A C E Y; C O S T U M E D E S I G N BY K R I S T I N E T R E V I N O ; G R O O M I N G BY S U S A N D O N O G H U E .

B O T T O M : P H O T O G R A P H S BY P H I L I P F R I E D M A N ; C R A F T S T Y L I N G BY M O R G A N L E V I N E

Karen WIndrow Finchum Bubble gum ball machine!

Clear trash bag filled with colored balloons and a “25 Cents” sign hung around my neck.

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Thank you.

Really, what else can you say after 13 years in a job that has been better—more fun, more surprising, and definitely longer-lasting—than you could have expected?

I write this during a happy-sad week, as it is my last week as the editor of Real Simple. I’m happy because there is something uniquely thrilling about closing your eyes and jumping and not knowing what the landing is going to feel like.

Which is exactly what I’m about to do. And I’m sad because I leave behind this work family and this brand that I truly love.

Real Simple has enriched my life in more ways than I can count. I have learned so much from the content: the best way to pit an avocado, keep a white shirt from yellowing, dispose of batteries, hide dark under-eye circles, discipline my kids.…

Literally countless tips and strategies that I will use for the rest of my life.

I have learned from Real Simple’s committed, creative, hilarious, and extremely kind staff that to work together as a team toward a shared goal is just about the best possible way to spend your days.

And, finally, I have learned so much from all of you, those who read the magazine every month and visit our website every day. Without knowing

OCTOBER 2016

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER AND INSTAGRAM @KVANOGTROP

it, you’ve taught me about human nature, about the demands of modern life, about how sometimes a feeling of control—even if it’s just an illusion— is all you need to put one foot in front of the other.

I have no idea what my future brings, but I’m ready for my blindfolded leap. If you’re curious about my landing, you can find me (@kvanogtrop) on Twitter and Instagram. As for your future, I know that you will continue to love Real Simple.

And I will be right alongside you, once an editor and now a grateful fan.

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Q. What Sunday ritual prepares you for the week ahead?

A. Doing nothing and going nowhere.

I should be working out, because work precludes that during the week. I should be cleaning; I should be grading papers; I should be weeding. But instead I reserve this day for no “I should be’s.” Once I wake up, feed the dogs, and make coffee, I sit. I turn on some really mellow music, often classical, and read the newspaper. No phone and no computer at my reach.

This is the closest I feel to myself for the entire week, and the older I get, the more sacred it becomes.

I do not venture out into the world until I am absolutely ready, which on Sunday might not happen at all!

GINNIE CASKIE-JOHNSON, Lafayette, Colorado

READY TO FINE-TUNE YOUR SKIN REGIMEN? TURN TO PAGE 90 FOR AN IN-DEPTH GUIDE.

Illustration by

Church…the best recharge for my week. @MARTHARB

I give myself a mini facial, then take a long shower or bath. It’s something small, but it helps me relax before I start the week. And it’s always nice to have a little pampering.

JEANET TE SEISDEDOS, Cloverdale, California

Dan Page

Starting the day with an heirloom recipe.

On Sunday mornings, after we mind the dog and the cats, my husband makes “grandpa eggs” for breakfast. His dad used to fry bacon, chop it up, and scramble it with eggs—thus the name.

Clean out my bags.

I go through my purse and get rid of trash, receipts, and anything else I don’t want to carry around all week. I do the same with my work and gym bags. I may not end up at the gym, but my bag is always ready to roll!

LESLIE SCHEPER, Yellow Springs, Ohio

I change my sheets on Sunday. A clean, crisp bed is refreshing, and a good sleep helps me start the week right.

SUE SALISBURY, Westbrook, Maine

OCTOBER 2016

@TREECITYSTUDIO

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SUBSCRIBER OF THE MONTH

A long run.

I wake up around 6 A.M. and try to log 6 to 10 miles. With three daughters under six years old (and another on the way!), this ritual is essential for me to reflect back on what worked during the past week and what needs to be tackled in the days ahead. And I love coming home to a daughter or two snuggled in our bed or everyone making pancakes.

BRENDA WALSH, Avon, Ohio

Balderdash!

On Sunday evenings, we play this game with dear friends.

We’ve been at it for more than 25 years. We laugh and laugh and sleep well afterward.

CAROL MAT TOON, Mission Viejo, California

ANDREA FORTENBERRY HER ANSWER: Our entire family

NEED SOME DINNER INSPO? TURN TO PAGE 166 FOR SOME DELICIOUS SKILLET RECIPES.

YO U R W O R D S

I cook a big meal.

One like my grandmother and mother used to fix. It’s important to spend time with family over traditional meals.

(Like a good pot roast with all the trimmings.)

CARMEN MILLER

takes a nap. There’s no better way to gear up for the busy week ahead than to spend time resting and rejuvenating.

Act like it’s Saturday. I have a glass or two of wine with dinner, do something fun, and remind myself that Sunday is a day off and not to stress about the coming week.

Not having to leave home for that one day truly recharges my batteries.

LINDA PHILLIPS, Chicago, Illinois

STATS: 33; married, with two children; freelance writer; Queen Creek, Arizona.

WHAT’S THE SECRET TO A GREAT NAP?

I read to relax, then put on an eye mask to block the light. If I have trouble, I put a few drops of lavender essential oil on my wrists and neck.

WHAT’S YOUR GO-TO APPETIZER?

Green chile dip. It’s easy and delicious with chips or veggies. You only need a large tub of sour cream, half a cup of chopped green chiles, and a few shakes of garlic salt. Mix well.

MISSY MAURO, Stamford, Connecticut

MOST MEMORABLE HALLOWEEN COSTUME?

At five years old, I was a salt shaker and my younger brother was the matching pepper shaker. My grandma made them.

And the funniest part? Before trick-ortreating, my brother ate a lollipop and the area around his mouth got really sticky.

When my mom pulled the costume over his head, black felt stuck to his face and made it look like he had a beard for the rest of the night!

I take a look at our family schedule.

I bought a planner that allows me to track all of the kids’ school assignments, projects, and activities, as well as mine, quickly and easily. I fill it in on Sunday so I have an idea of what to anticipate.

We put away all technology on Saturday night at bedtime and don’t use any screens until Monday morning.

PAUL A CULL, Georgetown, Kentucky

We video-chat with our older son.

He lives five hours away, and this weekly appointment keeps us connected and helps us keep family a priority. On occasion I’ve asked him to turn the camera around and let me see how clean his apartment is. Yikes!

LINDSAY MURR AY, Breslau, Ontario

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I boil a dozen eggs.

DOING THIS MAKES IT EASY TO QUICKLY GRAB A COUPLE ALONG WITH SOME FRUIT FOR BREAKFAST ON THE GO, OR AS A PROTEIN BOOST AFTER THE GYM DURING THE WEEK. CL AIRE BYERLY, Minneapolis, Minnesota

UPCOMING TOPIC

Fill in the blank:. In 2017, I will finally — —— ———.

Go to realsimple.com/ yourwords and let us know your response. It could appear on these pages.

ANNE SCHURMANN, Monroe, New York

OCTOBER 2016

I stay in my pajamas.

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THE FUN-SIZE ANSWER:

WHY DO WE TRICKOR-TREAT? Written by Brandi Broxson Photograph by Danny Kim

Because candy is an excellent bribe for warding off mischief.

The longer story: In the mid-19th century, Irish immigrants to North America brought with them the Gaelic celebration of All Hallows’ Eve, replete with trick playing and fortune telling. Lisa Morton, the author of Trick or Treat: A History of Halloween, says that,

OCTOBER 2016

back then, the pranks were mild: “Shop signs were switched, gates disassembled, and flourfilled socks were flung at those wearing black coats.” But over time the mischief evolved into straight-up vandalism, and people often awoke on November 1 to broken windows or even blazing

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fires. At the height of the Great Depression, some cities considered banning the holiday.

But a few, like Chicago, had a better idea—to busy the idle hands of potential troublemakers with festivities and encourage homeowners to do the same. Because money was scarce, families often held “house-to-house parties,” which kept the children moving door to door for a different entertainment or treat. Ring a bell?

DIY HALLOWEEN CANDY PAILS

Nix the plastic pumpkin variety and try one of the five sweet tote ideas at realsimple. com/treat.

NEW USES FOR OLD THINGS

Halloween decorating hacks 1

1 SWEET-AND-SPOOKY FAVOR

2 WITCH’S WEB TABLECLOTH

This party treat doubles as decor.

Place a fake bug in one half of a plastic ornament, then fill with colored candy. Fill the other half, close, and secure with clear tape.

Add a sprig of black ribbon and display in a bowl so goblins can grab and go.

Spin up a sinister surface with a Wite-Out pen and a round vinyl tablecloth. (The fleecebacked variety works best.) Start by drawing a large X at the center of the cloth, taking the lines all the way to the edges. Add 4 to 6 rays from the center point. Then, starting at the center, connect each line with an inverted arc, until you reach the table’s edge.

2

Written by

Brandi Broxson Photographs by

T H E R E A L I ST

Danny Kim

3 4 FOR EVEN MORE

3 HAND OF HORROR

4 BATS FOR THE BELFRY

Drop a flameless votive in a short jam jar and fit a latex glove over the opening. Then lift the edge of the glove and blow air inside to inflate the hand. Splatter red acrylic paint onto the fingers and brush around the wrist for a severed effect. Let stand on a saucer to dry before displaying.

Soak 2 cups bow-tie pasta in a freezer bag with 1 cup rubbing alcohol, then add about 20 drops of black food coloring. Close the bag and shake gently. Wear gloves to remove the “bats” and dry for a few hours. Cut a length of yarn and hot-glue two bats together with the string in between; repeat.

OCTOBER 2016

S T Y L I N G BY B L A K E R A M S E Y

Halloween new uses for old things, go to realsimple.com/ halloweendecor.

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IT’S A MIRACLE!!

All of these costumes were crafted with Magna Tac 809 ($11, amazon. com), a permanent adhesive that bonds fabric to crafting materials.

THE FOUR SEASONS FAMILY When dressing up this Halloween, why not join (natural) forces? These clever costumes are made from everyday items and a few craft supplies.

Written by Brandi Broxson

OCTOBER 2016

Photograph by Kate Lacey

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C O S T U M E D E S I G N BY K R I S T I N E T R E V I N O ; G R O O M I N G BY S U S A N D O N O G H U E .

I L L U S T R AT I O N S BY B R O W N B I R D D E S I G N

T H E R E A L I ST

G RO U P C O ST U M E S

G RO U P C O ST U M E S

Fake flowers Foliage Fabric butterflies Craft birds Green dress Headband

WINTER Blue square tablecloth Strip of elastic Cotton balls Blue long-sleeve leotard Fake white fur fabric Headband Plastic snowflakes

DRESS IN

Green leggings or stockings and green flats.

1. Glue the fake flowers, foliage, fabric butterflies, and craft birds onto the bodice of the green dress.

2. Secure a large flower and leaves onto the headband.

DRESS IN

White stockings and blue or white shoes.

1. Cut the tablecloth in half. Trim one piece to size using child’s measurements for a skirt.

2. Cut a strip of elastic equal to the width of the skirt. Cuff the tablecloth and glue the edge down, creating a hole (like the top of a curtain). Thread

SUMMER Statue of Liberty foam crown Yellow foam Blue T-shirt Cotton balls Blue sweatpants Felt in three shades of blue Sand-colored hand towel DRESS IN

Blue flip-flops and yellow sunglasses.

1. Using the Statue of Liberty crown as a template, trace the crown spires onto a thin sheet of yellow foam. Cut out the shape; attach it to the Liberty crown with glue.

2. Repeat the tracing for the shirt-collar sun.

Glue it to the T-shirt, along with cotton balls for clouds.

3. Cut a sailboat shape out of yellow foam for the sweatpants. Glue it below the pocket of the pants.

4. Cut wave shapes from the blue felt. Attach 3 pieces to each upper thigh of the sweatpants with glue.

5. Cut the hand towel in half. Glue a half onto each shin below the waves.

6. Glue torn cotton balls on the area where the felt meets the washcloth to resemble sea foam.

OCTOBER 2016

the elastic through for a gathered effect and tie in a bow at the back.

3. Glue cotton balls to the skirt and to the arms and body of the leotard.

4. Attach strips of fake fur to the leotard wrists and to the bottom of the skirt with glue.

5. Cut more of the fake fur into a rectangle and tuck it into the neck opening of the leotard to create a collar.

Secure with glue.

6. Glue a strip of tablecloth fabric around a headband, then attach cotton balls and snowflakes to make the crown.

FOR MORE COSTUME IDEAS

And to see additional photos of the ones shown here, go to real simple.com/ groupcostumes.

FALL Fake fall foliage Brown coat Twigs DRESS IN

A brown button-down and khakis.

1. Layer the fake fall foliage onto a tweed or brown coat with glue. Stuff the pockets with twigs.

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T H E R E A L I ST

SPRING

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1 PLEATED DRESS

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3 TIE-NECK TOP

Tuck this sleeveless blouse into a pencil skirt, or pair it with denim for two different, equally chic looks. $330, thisisveda.com.

4 SLEEK CHOKERS

These snug-fitting necklaces look best peeking out from the open collar of a crisp button-down shirt. $19 and $29 each, vanessamooney.com.

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5 BEDAZZLED BAG

Romantic, refined, and roomy enough for your phone, keys, lipstick, and wallet. $29, charming charlie.com.

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6 TAILORED TROUSERS

A lustrous sheen and satin tuxedo stripes put this pair of pants firmly in the “fancy” category. $89, whbm.com.

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Done in plush gray, this menswear-inspired style feels decidedly feminine. $75, canvasbylandsend.com.

Written by

Rebecca Daly

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Photographs by

Philip Friedman

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S O F T S T Y L I N G BY C H A N E L K E N N E B R E W

T H E R E A L I ST

An otherwise edgy bracelet takes on a softer vibe when covered in plum-colored velvet. INC International Concepts, $30, macys.com.

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Why do we like to be scared?

Margee Kerr, Ph.D., a sociologist and the author of Scream: Chilling Adventures in the Science of Fear, explains what we get out of haunted houses, spooky movies, and things that go bump in the night.

Does that mind-set last?

What we’re studying now is the potential that these scary experiences reset the bar on stress tolerance. You may go through a haunted house and come out thinking that the things you were worrying about before— say, confronting your boss—aren’t as scary.

Written by Yolanda Wikiel

So should we push ourselves to watch a horror flick?

Not unless you want to. The choice is key. If you know that you don’t like to be scared, you probably won’t get the positive benefits from it.

T H E R E A L I ST

Illustration by Peter Oumanski

So what’s your general theory?

Scaring ourselves is a way of hijacking our threat response and experiencing heightened emotion.

Think of a child popping out from behind a door to frighten her mom.

Tapping into the startle response is an easy way to feel a thrill. Whenever we mess with our body’s equilibrium (like on a roller coaster), it brings that same sort of excitement.

But it’s not fun for everyone, right?

No. Research has found that there are big influences in childhood development and exposure that may affect some people’s experience of stress and joy. If, for example, your first experience watching a horror flick was traumatic, you

ARE YOU BRAVE?

Eight bold women give tips on how to be courageous at realsimple.com/brave.

may not enjoy it later on in life. But the studies also found that there are genetic differences. People with certain dopamine genetic expressions tend to be more thrill-seeking.

Is there a difference between fear of real danger and the fear we experience in, say, a theme-park haunted house?

The physical reaction is the same: Endorphins release to block pain signals, and noradrenaline flows to kick up the metabolism so that we can turn any available sugar into energy. The heart rate increases. It’s what’s going on in our heads that’s different. As soon as we recognize that we’re safe or in a controlled space, we can interpret the fear as enjoyable rather than threatening.

You’ve done work with several haunted attractions.

I consult with the designers on how to apply the science of fear. For instance, I’ll suggest putting an auditory scare after a bright light to mix up the types of startles so that they tap different senses. And I have a research lab at some of the attractions, where I set up willing

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participants with monitoring devices to measure brain activity and heart rate. They take surveys to report their moods before and after.

What have you discovered?

Our data shows that, for people who choose to do scary types of activities, anxiety and stress go down and mood goes up afterward.

Why is that?

The theory is that when we go into threatresponse mode, we don’t have as much rational or ruminating thought, because our bodies are very much grounded in physical experience.

And thinking less can be relaxing.

Yes, and these folks seem to use thrills and chills to get to that point of a blank mind.

REALSIMPLE.COM

What about kids?

It depends on the kid. I cringe when I see parents pushing a child through a haunted house. If the child doesn’t yet have the cognitive ability to take on other people’s perspectives, he can’t understand that a fake-scary place is fake. I wouldn’t recommend taking a kid under seven to a haunted house or a scary movie.

What are you afraid of?

I used to have nightmares of driving off a bridge, and recently when there was construction on a bridge where I was driving, it brought back all those fears.

Parting advice?

Never tell a child that she shouldn’t be scared of something that seems scary. Fear is natural, and it’s critical to be able to trust your threat response.

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1 CUTEX NON-ACETONE NAIL POLISH REMOVER

“I use only non-acetone remover at all of my spas because it’s gentler on skin and nails. This one is a classic that’s been my go-to since I got started.”

TO BUY: $3 at drugstores.

2 TWEEZERMAN CUTICLE NIPPER

“Tweezerman makes professional-grade tools at a fair price. Use this between salon visits to maintain your manicure.”

TO BUY: $26, tweezerman.com.

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3 SALLY HANSEN INSTANT CUTICLE REMOVER

“Leaving some of the cuticle keeps nails healthy. This softens the skin so you can easily push it back.”

TO BUY: $6 at drugstores.

THIS M O N T H’S EXPERT

NAIL ARTIST JIN S O ON CHOI 2

Choi, born in Korea and now based in New York City, is the founder of four eponymous natural hand and foot spas and is the creator of the 5-Free nail-polish collection, which is free of harsh chemicals.

Photograph by

James Wojcik 3

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4 REVLON EMERYL COMPACT NAIL FILE

“Metal files are easy to wash with soap and water between uses, unlike foam or emery.”

TO BUY: $3 at drugstores.

5 NATURE’S BOUNTY HAIR, SKIN & NAILS SOFTGELS EXTRA STRENGTH

“A supplement with biotin, zinc, and iron, like this one, is especially great for people with brittle or thin nails.”

TO BUY: $19 for 150, at drugstores.

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Drugstore cheat sheet

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6 KISS NAIL ART PAINTS IN GALA

“Striping brushes are the best for creating designs.

The black, white, and silver in this kit are good neutrals, plus you can reuse the brushes with other colors.”

TO BUY: $7 at drugstores.

The best beauty products in the aisles, handpicked by a pro

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P R O P S T Y L I N G BY L I N D E N E L S T R A N

T H E R E A L I ST

HANDY INFO

For DIY manicure don’ts, head to realsimple.com/ manicure.

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T H E STA P L E

SALTINES

POLLY WANT A CRACKER?

Go to realsimple. com/saltine for a quick how-to video on making Spicy Parmesan Crackers.

They’re a trusty companion for tomato soup and tummy aches. But these squares can be wilder than that. Crush them up and they’re (better than) bread crumbs. Cover them in chocolate and almonds and you’ve got a salty-sweet, nearly criminal dessert.

3 QUICK IDEAS

Dark chocolate bark

T H E R E A L I ST

Line a rimmed baking sheet with parchment paper. Add a single layer of saltines (about 48). Boil 1 cup each butter and brown sugar for 3 minutes over medium, whisking constantly. Pour over the saltines.

Bake at 350°F for 8 minutes.

Sprinkle with 12 oz. dark chocolate chips, let melt, then spread. Top with 1 cup chopped, toasted almonds; chill. Break into pieces.

Spicy Parmesan crackers Combine ¼ cup olive oil, 2 Tbsp. grated Parmesan, ¾ tsp. paprika, and ¼ tsp. cayenne.

Toss with 36 saltines until well coated. Bake on a parchment paper–lined rimmed baking sheet at 300°F for 10 minutes.

Quick meatballs

Written by Heath Goldman Recipes by Paige Grandjean Photograph by Danny Kim

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S T Y L I N G BY B L A K E R A M S E Y

Combine 1 lb. ground beef, 2 lightly beaten eggs, ½ cup crushed saltines, ¼ cup grated onion, 2 tsp. chopped garlic, and 1 tsp. salt. Shape into 24 2-in. balls. Heat 2 Tbsp. extra-virgin olive oil in a large skillet over medium. Cook the meatballs, turning often, until cooked through.

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HOW DID WE GET HERE?

TRUE CRIME For nearly 200 years, we’ve been obsessed with real-life tales of killing and deceit. What paved the way for our current Making a Murderer cravings? Here’s a brief investigation.

1842 Edgar Allan Poe writes The Mystery of Marie Rogêt, a detective story based on the unsolved murder of New Yorker Mary Rogers. The public and the critics are hooked. “It’s the first significant attempt to retell an actual crime and take liberties with it,” says Michael Arntfield, a criminologist and a professor at Western University, in London, Ontario.

1888 Newspapers receive letters signed “Jack the Ripper” and ignite fear by printing them.

(One threatens to “clip the lady’s ears off.”) Some researchers today believe a journalist penned the notes, but the mystery man inspires a genre now known as “Ripperature.”

1924

1954 With televisions a fixture in more than half of American homes, the nation is captivated by reports of Sam Sheppard, an Ohio doctor convicted of bludgeoning his pregnant wife to death. The media is blamed for “prejudicial publicity,” and Sheppard is acquitted in a retrial in 1966. The case is said to have inspired the 1963 TV show The Fugitive.

1966

This 1974 book by prosecutor Vincent Bugliosi on the Charles Manson murders takes the prize as the best-selling truecrime book of all time.

Truman Capote meticulously reconstructs the events of the murders of the Clutter family of Holcomb, Kansas, in his book In Cold Blood. The “nonfiction novel” is later named one of the 100 best nonfiction books of all time by the Modern Library.

1988 Errol Morris’s groundbreaking documentary, The Thin Blue Line, helps overturn the life sentence of Randall Adams, a man convicted of murdering a Texas police officer in 1976.

1990 S Court TV debuts in 1991, broadcasting live coverage of actual trials around the clock.

In 1994, O.J. Simpson’s trial hits the airwaves and becomes “the trial of the century.”

Law & Order debuts in 1990, with a ripped-from-theheadlines ethos that holds viewers for 20 years.

2010 S A fresh crop of successful series call for justice. The popular Serial podcast leads to a new trial for Adnan Syed. HBO’s The Jinx captures and airs a bathroom confession on tape shortly before the arrest of real estate heir Robert Durst, in March 2015.

2016 A series from the creators of Law & Order about the 1989 case of the Menendez brothers is bought by NBC. The conviction of Brendan Dassey, one of the subjects of Netflix’s Making a Murderer, is overturned. In season two, the docuseries will follow codefendant Steven Avery and his fight to challenge his conviction. Jury, please take your seats in front of the TV. Written by N.Jamiyla Chisholm

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150

MILLION PEOPLE REPORTEDLY TUNE IN TO HEAR THE O. J. SIMPSON VERDICT, ON OCTOBER 3, 1995.

C LO C KW I S E F R O M T O P R I G H T: D E A G O S T I N I / D E A P I C T U R E L I B R A R Y V I A G E T T Y I M A G E S ; V I N C E B U C C I /A F P V I A G E T T Y I M A G E S ; S E R I A L LO G O C O U R T E S Y S E R I A L P O D C A S T; N B C / N B C U P H O T O B A N K V I A G E T T Y I M A G E S ; T R A N S C E N D E N TA L G R A P H I C S /G E T T Y I M A G E S ; C U LT U R E C L U B /G E T T Y I M A G E S

T H E R E A L I ST

True Detective Mysteries magazine hits newsstands, feeding an appetite for “fact crime,” complete with case reports, investigation techniques, and buxom blonds.

During the 1930s and 40s, True Detective reportedly sells 2 million copies a month.

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Little helpers 4 ingenious products to make your day easier

1 LITTER-BOX DEODORIZER

2 DELICATES DRYING RACK

When attached to the hood of your cat’s box, chemicalfree odor absorbers banish smells for up to one month.

Works on trash cans, too!

Catit Magic Blue, $30 for a year’s supply, catit.com.

Get hand-washables high and dry with this suctioncupped helper. Hang socks, scarves, or bras from 10 swivel clips in the shower or elsewhere. Suction drying rack, $25, wayfair.com.

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T H E R E A L I ST

1

3

4

3 ZIP-FRONT ATHLETIC TOP

4 SMART ALARM CLOCK

Made for women who have had breast surgery and may have difficulty raising their arms, this shirt fastens in front and features a built-in bra. Pauir top, $54, pauir athleticapparel.com.

This app-controlled wonder features USB charging ports, a Bluetooth speaker, and mood lighting.

It also wakes you with a Spotify playlist. Beddi, $100, amazon.com.

Written by Brandi Broxson Photographs by Philip Friedman

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IS IT REALLY BAD TO USE DISPOSABLE DIAPERS? Studies have shown problems with both disposables and cloth diapers, says Darby Hoover, a senior resource specialist at the Natural Resources Defense Council. Although disposables account for tons of waste (in 2013, an estimated 3.6 million tons in the United States, says the Environmental Protection Agency), cloth diapers demand lots of water and energy during cleaning. Biodegradeable disposables aren’t necessarily better. Says Hoover, “They still go to a landfill and create methane as they break down.”

(Methane is about 28 times worse that carbon dioxide in terms of global warming.) Compostable is the magic word in disposables, but only if your community is equipped with composting services capable of handling diapers. If you prefer disposables, buy those labeled “totally chlorinefree” and made with pulp certified by the Forest Stewardship Council.

(Seventh Generation fits the bill.) If you opt for cloth, look for organic cotton or hemp, and wash in full loads in an energy-efficient machine at the right temperature, no bleach. Or find a diaper-laundering service that adheres to these eco-conscious practices.

—KAITLYN PIRIE

L E F T: S O F T S T Y L I N G BY C H A N E L K E N N E B R E W. R I G H T: T H A N K Y O U T O A N N E M E L I A , S E N I O R E N V I R O N M E N TA L S C I E N T I S T W I T H A N E N V I R O N M E N TA L E N G I N E E R I N G F I R M I N K A N S A S C I T Y.

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MAGNUM PHOTOS

Divided we fall On the verge of a historic election, best-selling novelist Terry McMillan offers her heartfelt, deeply personal perspective on the increasingly divisive issue of race in America.

Photograph by Eli Reed

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L I F E L E SS O N S

ON MARCH 3, 1991,

I watched the breaking news in horror as Rodney King lay facedown on the ground being repeatedly kicked and beaten with nightsticks by four white police officers. It happened in the very same Los Angeles suburb where my sister and her family lived.

All this for speeding? It was surreal, but for weeks millions of us watched this video over and over and over, trying to understand why these police officers were doing this to this young man. They, of course, did not know they were being videotaped.

FA S T- F O RWA R D .

On April 29, 1992, I was at a barbecue across the street from where I lived in the Bay Area and had forgotten to bring the sweet potato pie I had made. I ran home to get it and saw the television announcement that a jury had acquitted the four police officers.

Then the screen cut to the beginning of the riots in South Central Los Angeles. I stood there, paralyzed, and when my neighbor—who happened to be white—knocked on my door wondering what was keeping me, I pointed, then handed him the pie and told him I wasn’t hungry. He cancelled the barbecue because, like me, he was shocked and pissed that these police officers were not going to be punished for committing a crime that was clearly motivated by race.

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FA S T- F O RWA R D .

When Barack Obama was elected president, I thought it said a lot about how far we’d come as a country. However, the night of his inauguration, I heard rumors that more than 15 Republican Congressmen and strategists had met at a D.C. restaurant and conjured up a plot to block every piece of legislation President Obama presented to them. I thought it was just gossip. But eight years later they have demeaned and insulted him and made false claims about his birth—even his religion. They’ve done everything except call him a nigger in public.

FA S T- F O RWA R D .

We still have a race problem in America, and the body count is rising by the day: Tamir. Laquan.

Freddie. Philando. Eric. Rumain.

Ezell. John. Akai. Tony. Walter.

Philip. But these aren’t all of them— not least because this list doesn’t include women. And yet the black men who murdered police officers in Dallas and Baton Rouge were killed on the spot.

I have a 32-year-old son, a Stanford University graduate. I raised him in an upper-middle-class neighborhood in the Bay Area. Many of his friends were white, Asian,

the ground, forcefully arrest her, and then shrug it off when she later dies in custody? I’m at a point now that if I had car trouble and a police officer stopped to help me, I’d be afraid to roll down my window.

FA S T- F O RWA R D .

Mexican, Black, and Muslim. None of them made much of it because they were buddies. But he’s tall, muscular, and dark-skinned, and he’s been stopped by police officers for no apparent reason. He knows what not to do or say, but it apparently doesn’t matter.

A few years ago, my son showed me a photo of himself standing in a boat holding a large fish in the middle of a lake three hours outside of Memphis, where he lived at the time.

I asked if he’d gone with a friend, and he said no. “Are you crazy?” I said. “Do you realize you could get stopped and killed on those highways for no reason whatsoever, and I wouldn’t even know where you were?” I was in tears. He apologized and promised he wouldn’t do it again. I didn’t believe him.

I want to know how police can justify shooting a black man for selling loose cigarettes or CDs—or a child all alone in a park playing with a toy. Or why people would end up dead after being pulled over because they have a broken taillight or a wide nose or are dark-skinned, like my son, just because police think he fits the description of a suspect. And how can you force a woman who hasn’t done anything to

In 2013, the Supreme Court struck down the heart of the Voting Rights Act after 48 years, giving states the right to rig the voting requirements in a way that was racist and ageist.

I was apoplectic. My ex-boyfriend’s mother, who is 83, doesn’t know where her birth certificate is, doesn’t read very well, no longer drives, and doesn’t Uber. I promised to take her to her polling place.

“I was able to vote for President Obama,” she said and still has her little ticket to prove it.

But a lot has changed in eight years. Now we are in the midst of the scariest, most bizarre election for president I’ve seen since I came of voting age in 1969, making it even clearer just how racially divided this country still is.

My neighbor, who happens to be white, doesn’t understand why so

OCTOBER 2016

many white people believe that too many African-Americans and Hispanics have stolen their jobs. Her family emigrated from Ireland. I tell her how shocked I am that so many white people have stereotyped us by believing we’re lazy and don’t even belong in this country.

I would like to remind them that we weren’t exactly invited here; we didn’t come willingly, and the fact that some white people resent us for taking advantage of the opportunities offered to every American is beyond my ability to comprehend. When I watch the news these days, the vitriolic tone of some of the rhetoric feels like we’re heading back to the 60s and 70s. I’m not going. My son recently called to say, “Mom, did you know there are 21 women in the world that run countries?” I told him I did.

But this is America.

I just want us to respect each other for the content of our character and not be disrespected because of the color of our skin or our religion. We are Americans. And as the late Rodney King said 25 years ago, “Can’t we all just get along?” Q

About the author Terry McMillan is the author of Waiting to Exhale and How Stella Got Her Groove Back, both of which were made into motion pictures. She is a recipient of the NAACP Image Award and the Essence Magazine Lifetime Achievement Award. Her most recent novel is I Almost Forgot About You.

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P H O T O G R A P H BY M AT T H E W J O R D A N S M I T H

L I F E L E SS O N S

My son is tall, muscular, and dark-skinned, and he’s been stopped by police officers for no apparent reason. He knows what not to do or say, but it apparently doesn’t matter.

THE MOST

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O U R F I R ST E V E R

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F E AT U R I N G • • • •

The ultimate get-ready checklist Turkey 101, plus many more delicious recipes DIY centerpieces How to practice gratitude with your family and kids • Kitchen-cleaning tactics • Cozy weekend outfits • Our best Thanksgiving tips of all time—and much, much more

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5 surprisingly helpful things you can learn from horror films This one is obvious: When you walk into a dark house, turn the lights on already. But there are other valuable lessons lurking out there, somewhere, as these cinephiles point out.

1 AV I VA B R I E F E L

Listen to your children’s fears.

As a parent, you deal with fear in so many capacities.

You have your own worries about your child’s safety, and you also have to deal with your child’s fears of everything from shots to having her mashed potatoes touch her green beans.

Horror movies, while completely supernatural, teach us to take those concerns seriously. The 2014 Australian movie The Babadook comes to mind. It’s about a single mom and her sixyear-old son, who is being haunted by a monster.

The mom writes it off as a “monster under the bed” fantasy. Of course, the Babadook turns out to be real. It serves as a good, if extreme, reminder that no matter how silly a child’s anxieties seem, the fear behind them is legit.

Written by Liz Loerke Illustration by Ben Wiseman

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3 DAV I D S C H WA RT Z

Preparation can save you unnecessary stress.

2 C H R I S N A S H AWAT Y

L I F E L E SS O N S

Mark anniversaries on your calendar.

Remembering anniversaries: Sounds easy, right? But in horror movies no one does it. In 1980’s Friday the 13th, a couple of randy counselors get butchered a year after letting a young boy named Jason Voorhees drown. The rest of the movie takes place 21 years later, on what would have been Jason’s birthday—yes, Friday the 13th—when a new batch of horny staffers winds up on the bloody business end of a similar killing spree. The day proves lethal in the sequels as well. Had they just looked at a calendar, it all could have been avoided.

4

I have a vivid memory of seeing The Exorcist with my dad when I was 13. The film was huge that year—everybody was talking about it.

I kept hearing how scary it was, and I was petrified. So I bought the screenplay and took it with me to the theater. I actually kept the book open in the light of the aisle so I could read ahead and know what was coming. Since then, I have found that it’s good to do research and be prepared before you go into a new situation.

V I C TO R I A P R I C E

The worst monsters are of our own making.

My dad always said that what we can imagine in our minds is far scarier than what we see on the screen.

I think that is also true in real life. The fears in our heads are a million times more frightening than most of what actually happens to us. In fact, studies have shown that 85 percent of what we are afraid of never occurs, so we spend an inordinate amount of time worrying needlessly. That’s why movies like The Fall of the House of Usher, where you don’t see anything outright gory, are scarier. As Hamlet said, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”

SCARED?

There’s a biological reason why these movies are so visceral. Find it at realsimple.com/scary.

5 DAV I D F I L I P I

The importance of self-reliance.

In so many horror movies, the protagonist ultimately has to rely only on herself.

Rosemary’s Baby is a perfect example.

Here is this woman who seemingly has everything. She lives in a lovely apartment building; she has what appears to be a charming and ambitious husband; she’s surrounded by a support system of neighbors. But slowly she learns that the people she depends on are the ones most out to hurt her. Fortunately, most of us won’t find ourselves living among Satanists.

But we have all been in a position where someone we trusted let us down. Ultimately you have to come to your own aid.

THE EXPERTS AV I VA B R I E F E L , P H . D. , is a professor of English and cinema studies at Bowdoin College, in Brunswick, Maine.

C H R I S NA S H AWAT Y is a film critic for Entertainment Weekly (which, like Real Simple, is a Time Inc. publication).

He lives in Connecticut.

DAV I D S C H WA RT Z is the chief curator at the Museum of the Moving Image, in Queens, New York.

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V I C T O R I A P R I C E is the daughter of horror-film legend Vincent Price and the author of Vincent Price: A Daughter’s Biography.

She lives in Santa Fe.

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DAV I D F I L I P I is the director of film/video at the Wexner Center for the Arts at Ohio State University, in Columbus.

The sport that kept her active

The razor that took her hair

The show that made her a star

The letters that gave her hope

The bandana that covered her head

The family that stood by her side

PICK UP A COPY IN STORES OR SUBSCRIBE AT PEOPLE.COM

Modern Manners RE AL SIMPLE’S E TIQUE T T E E XPERT, C ATHERINE NE WMAN, OFFER S HER BE ST ADVICE ON YO U R S O CI AL QUANDAR I E S.

What is the best way to decline when a cashier asks, “Would you like to donate to ‘X’ children’s cancer fund today?” I politely say, “Not today,” while feeling secretly guilty. To make matters worse, after I say no, my husband often makes a donation behind me because he is embarrassed.

A coworker and I have weddings a few weeks apart. I am on her guest list; she is not on mine.

If our wedding was larger, she would be, but that’s not the case.

How do I handle this?

P O R T R A I T BY S A R A H M AY C O C K

H. M.

About Catherine The author of Catastrophic Happiness and Waiting for Birdy, Catherine Newman has shared her wisdom on matters ranging from family and friends to happiness and pickling in numerous publications. She gets advice from her husband and two opinionated children in Amherst, Massachusetts.

Congratulations! And don’t worry too much about the asymmetry. If there’s anyone apt to understand the dramatic complexities of a weddingguest list, it’s your coworker. She may have invited 400 people to your 75; you may have been under different financial or familial constraints; she may have invited everyone from work and you not a sole office mate. Every couple gets to celebrate according to their own vision (or, at least, according to the vision of the bossiest in-laws). If there’s tension to dispel or you would like to preempt the dread of her discovering the missing invitation, feel free to describe your list’s limitations. If, however, the scenario is more conspicuously awkward— there’s a busful of folks coming from the office, say, and she’s just not one of them—then there’s not much to be done. We’re all trying our hardest not to hurt one another’s feelings, right? But this is grown-up life, not the tit-for-tat of inviting the whole class to a birthday party. Besides, she has plenty to celebrate, and newlywed bliss is bound to smooth any ruffled feathers.

OCTOBER 2016

K. C.

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The best way to decline a request like this is to say, “No, thank you,” and leave it at that. That said, I tend to add a needless and sheepish qualifier, like “That’s not how we do our charitable giving” (true statement) or “Because I hate children!” (awkward attempt at humor). Checkout charities work because they know that you have your wallet open, and they’re guessing—correctly, it turns out—that you’ll feel bad about saying no. In many ways, it’s a win-win scenario: The store gets to look like a hero, and charities raise a lot of money. (A 2015 marketing study found that the 77 top-earning checkout charities raised more than $388 million combined.)

But charitable donors have limited resources, and some, like me, insist on researching causes. I consult the watchdog organization CharityWatch to find out exactly how the money is being spent and to what end, and I allocate carefully to the causes I care most about. Of course, if you’re not otherwise giving charitably, then those supermarket dollars make an easy introduction to the practice.

But if you don’t want to participate, don’t. Trust me—nobody is thinking,

You don’t like the Jimmy Fund? As for your husband, that seems like a separate issue. It might be worthwhile to come to an agreement about your donation policy and to have a conversation about how his secondary play is making you feel.

inhabit reeks, too. My husband and I both feel that the health dangers are too great to allow our son to go away with them on a trip in a camper. How can I begin the dialogue with my dad now so that this doesn’t come as a surprise?

E. L.

My father and stepmother are both smokers. Recently they purchased a camper and said that they want to take my nine-year-old son on a trip next summer. I told my dad that that is unlikely because of their smoking. He said that they won’t smoke in the camper. But they do smoke outside and in my son’s line of vision, though not directly beside him. Also, they reek of smoke, so any space they

Confession: After researching the dangers of third-hand smoke— the residue that accumulates on surfaces where people have been smoking—I read your letter to my husband. I said, “If they’re not smoking inside the camper, it doesn’t seem to me as if third-hand smoke would pose a serious health threat for a short trip.” He (child of a smoker) replied, “It may or may not, but that doesn’t really matter. The

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smell is gross, the habit is dangerous, and they just don’t want their kid around it. They get to decide that.” He is, of course, completely right. So go with transparency. “I love that you’re trying to figure out a way to spend quality time with your grandchild, but the smoking is still a deal-breaker for us. I’m so sorry.” Explain your worries and, if it’s feasible, propose an alternative scenario. You and your son could meet them for a leg of the trip and stay in a nearby motel, say, or you could find another, less enclosed way for them to vacation together.

Or maybe—pipe-dream alert!— confronted with the unpleasant consequences of their habit, they’ll decide to quit. We can hope, right?

How do I politely tell a friend that I’m not interested in socializing with her other friends? I get frequent invitations to gatherings from her and I do not wish to hurt her, but I don’t care for her friends.

I work in an office with an open floor plan. There is often sneezing going on. Is it bad manners if I don’t say “Bless you” to each person for each sneeze? It seems superfluous.

Is this tradition outdated?

R. V.

A. B.

Thank your friend for including you, then politely decline the offers as they arise. There’s no need to communicate that you don’t like her friends.

If expansiveness is her M.O., she may think nothing of inviting you or of the turned-down invitations. If you feel you must account for yourself, say, “I really crave one-on-one time with you!

I’m greedy like that.” If there’s a special occasion—her birthday, say—then make an exception, since loving obligation can trump personal preference.

Unless you grew up during the Black Death and thus believe that your coworkers are in danger of sneezing out their souls, saying “Bless you” is more of a charming courtesy than a social requirement. And courtesy requires that you balance reality against adherence to tradition. In other words, if every time someone sneezes, you yell “Bless you” across the office, and she yells “Thank you,” and you yell “You’re welcome,” then the pendulum may be tipping away

from graciousness and toward irritating interruption. “Blessing” someone has the paradoxical effect of drawing negative attention to the sneezing— especially if “Bless you” is (passiveaggressive) code for “Thanks for getting us all sick.” That said, I like to say “Bless you” when people sneeze, and I like people to say it to me. It’s a dangerous world, and I’ll take all the kindness I can get. So if you’re talking about the odd nearby achoo— not bouts of serial sneezing—go ahead and offer a whispered blessing or gesundheit. Or, you know, a tissue.

H AV E A N E T I Q U E T T E Q U E ST I O N ?

Submit your social conundrums to Catherine at REALSIMPLE.COM/MODERN MANNERS. Selected letters will be featured on these pages every month.

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CLEVER WAYS TO TURN YOUR WALLS INTO STORAGE SOLUTIONS ................ 6 5

THE VETS WILL SEE YOU NOW .......................... 7 6

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BE AUT Y

EMPATHY is a wonderful trait. Want to grow it in your kids?.............. 1 2 5

PRETTY SMART 83

THE BEST CONCEALERS FOR EVERY PROBLEM...... 9 8

9 HABITS OF WOMEN WITH AMAZING SKIN ................. 9 0

FA S H I O N HOW TO GET BACK INTO THE WORKFORCE .......... 1 4 0

AMERICAN VOICES: PAYAL KADAKIA 137

WORK & MONEY

H E A LT H YOUR GUIDE TO WEARING WIDE-LEG PANTS—FALL’S BIGGEST TREND 115

TIME TO WRITE YOUR WILL 142 ASK BUCKY 138

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AFTER THE DIAGNOSIS The next steps that will keep you focused and calm.......................... 1 0 1

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PUT YOUR WALLS TO WORK

THE GUIDE home

Along with displaying art, they can function as an annex pantry, a garden, even a jungle gym.

Try these creative ways to cure your home’s clutter hang-ups.

USE A LEDGE AS A MINI MANTEL

P R O P S T Y L I N G BY L I S A L E E

Up top: There’s room for more than frames if you use bulldog clips to add cards and kids’ art. Switch up the display seasonally, hanging a festive garland in winter.

Written by Betsy Goldberg Photographs by Matthew Williams

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HOW LIT TLE C A N YO U LIVE WITH? Let yourself pare down before you configure the walls, says Anne Karp, who shares this Brooklyn home with her husband, Aaron, and their daughters, Johnna, two, and Ruby, six months.

“Donating a big chunk of stuff and reducing what we were bringing in made our home more calming,” she says. “We wanted to feel like we were living here, not just storing things. It’s so much easier having less to pick up.”

TRY A VERTICAL GARDEN

Instead of crowding the windowsill, Anne placed plants on easy-to-mount shelves. (Ekby Osten shelves, from $7 each, ikea. com; antique zinc brackets for a similar look, $20 for two, world market.com.)

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C R E AT E A CLIMBING WALL

THE GUIDE home

Stall bars, a piece of fitness gear typically used by adults for upperbody training, turn this bedroom spot into the ultimate indoor playground. “This was a splurge—around $1,000 with an added pull-up bar—but it’s built to last for years, and Johnna is on it every day,” says Anne. When the girls are older and outgrow the climbing, Anne says she will reimagine it as a drying rack, a scarf and jewelry organizer, or a valet to lay out clothes.

Find lower-priced versions at amazon.com.

A PULL-UP BAR MAKES IT VERSATILE

When Johnna isn’t swinging from it, the bar is a support for a fort and a mount for a mini basketball hoop.

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! ! ! !

MA XIMIZE A K I TC H E N CORNER An awkward nook can be a blessing in disguise.

Adding slim Ekby Jarpen shelves ($15 each, ikea. com) to this one turned it into Aaron’s sacred space. “Baking is his digital detox. He uses this spot as a hideaway for his supplies,” says Anne.

On the other wall, an Ikea combo—Ekby Osten shelves, plus Sektion kitchen cabinets and Ringhult doors—acts as a mealtime station, with dishes up top and bottle parts and other baby gear below.

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MA X OUT A L AU N D RY C LO S E T

THE GUIDE home

Wall-to-wall cabinetry helps the family utilize every inch of space. What looks like a graphic grid— set off by cheeky Sissy + Marley wallpaper—is actually a modular system of four Sektion cabinet frames, each with shelving inside and multiple Veddinge doors, all from Ikea. “We needed cabinets, not open shelves, because this is where we hide the stuff we don’t want people to see: extra diapers, shampoo, toolboxes,” says Anne.

“It’s the equivalent of a suburban garage.”

WANT MORE DESIGN TIPS?

Find patternmixing tricks, art-hanging advice, and more at realsimple. com/rooms.

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The vets will see you now LE T THE FUR FLY! ANSWER S TO YOUR HAIRIE ST PE T QUE STIONS.

Q.

Q.

Healthy choice

Caged and confused THE PET EXPERTS

T. S., via Facebook

MIKKEL BECKER,

THE GUIDE home

A. It’s your choice whether you want to roll the dice, but many pros recommend coverage. Plans start at roughly $40 a month, but a weeklong hospital bill for an extreme injury or illness could run you $20,000, veterinarian Nancy Kay points out. Ask your vet to recommend carriers. The percentage of costs each plan will pay varies, and most plans have a deductible or put a cap on certain conditions. Look for a plan that lets you visit any vet and covers any conditions your breed is predisposed to.

(Dachshunds, for example, commonly have back problems; German shepherds are prone to hip dysplasia.) To compare plans, go to petinsurancereview.com.

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Pill standstill

It’s nearly impossible to get my dog to take his heartworm medicine.

Any ideas?

P. L., via Facebook

A. Some harmless hoodwinking may be in order, says trainer Mikkel Becker. Her go-to move is the “three-treat trick”: Wrap the pill in a slice of cheese, then cover it with xylitol-free peanut butter (most mainstream brands are), or insert it

Written by

Sarah Grossbart Photograph by

Shaina Fishman

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into a hollow snack, like Greenies Pill Pockets ($10, greenies.com). In quick succession, give your dog one of his usual treats, then the disguised pill, then another of his usual treats. Most dogs won’t notice (or taste) the hidden pill. If yours still rejects it, though, ask your vet about switching to a monthly topical ointment or twice-yearly injections, says veterinarian Karen Faunt. They can be pricier, but they’re equally effective at protecting your dog’s ticker.

“Plus,” says Faunt, “there’s the added bonus of saving your sanity.”

REALSIMPLE.COM

We’ve had two male gerbils in the same cage for a few years without incident.

But the other day they were fighting, so I separated them. Can I get them back together?

M. B., via Facebook

A. Gerbils generally play well with others, but just as with any roommatesin-close-quarters situation, squabbles can happen.

They’re often triggered by a small thing—say, possessiveness over food or a new toy—which can be resolved with a coolingoff period. One way to do it: Keep the gerbils in separate cages for a week; then, when you’re home and able to observe, bring them together for short periods—one hour to start, gradually increasing to full-time over the next few weeks. If there’s still friction, it’s a good idea to schedule a vet exam, as many common ailments can cause behavioral changes. Clean bill of health but the gerbils still can’t “keep it clean”?

You may need to split them up for good.

FO R M O R E A N I M A L P H O T O G R A P H Y, G O T O S H A I N A F I S H M A N .C O M .

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Ask the Organizer A beautiful mess

Behind closed drawers

My daughter’s art supplies are everywhere.

Regular bins never seem big enough, and larger baskets become a big jumble. Help!

My house looks immaculate until you open a drawer or a closet. How do I neaten them up?

J . N . , v i a Fa c e b o o k

Big, open areas invite mess, so the key is to compartmentalize—but declutter first so you’re not buying solutions for issues you don’t really have. Whether you’re dealing with clothing or kitchen tools, the easiest approach is to tackle one drawer or shelf at a time: Empty it and weed out duplicates or items that you don’t use (to donate or toss), then structure it with dividers or compartments (like bamboo drawer organizer trays, from $7 each, containerstore. com). Still struggling? You may need to boost your storage space. For example, swap out a dresser for another with deeper drawers or install an extra shelf in your pantry or armoire.

DECLUT TERING PRO

Savings plan Where should I draw the line at how many keepsakes to keep?

P. D. , via Fa ceb o ok

Mementos have one of two purposes: to display or to save. It’s easy to go overboard if you’re not arranging the “display” keepsakes in a deliberate way. Cramming one onto a cluttered shelf is a sign to let go of it (or something else). Items that you want to save—personal letters, a ribbon from third grade—need

Illustration by

The Ellaphant in the Room

ERIN RO ONE Y D O L AND, BA SED IN THE WA SHINGTON, D.C., ARE A, TACKLE S YOUR TOUGHE ST ORGANIZING ISSUE S.

physical limitations.

Give each family member an airtight container to keep on a high shelf in a closet (Rubbermaid 14-gallon tote, $25, amazon.com).

When it’s full, something needs to drop out before you add more.

Have some boxed-up objects that you want to see more often?

Photograph them and create a slide show to run as your screen saver.

GOT A QUESTION?

Submit it at realsimple. com/organizing.

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P O R T R A I T BY S A R A H M AY C O C K

THE GUIDE home

M . T., vi a Faceb o o k

First crack down with a clean-out. Go through all the bins and toss the junk (dried-out markers, empty glitter vials). Sort the keepers into categories—beads, stickers, paints—then give each a home. Clear containers (Stackable acrylic case drawers, $13 each, muji.us) and wall-mounted ones (Perch magnetic containers, from $8 each, container store.com) work best. Grouping the entire crafts stash in one art zone—say, a desk area or a bedroom corner— can keep supplies from spreading into other rooms and taking over the house.

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Makes you smile

THE GUIDE beauty

Thrive Causemetics names all its product shades after powerful women, and for every product sold, one is donated to a woman undergoing cancer treatment. Formulated without parabens, sulfates, or toxins, its newest product—Glossy Lip Mark ($26, thrivecausemetics. com)—is a silky, longlasting lip stain.

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Olay Regenerist Luminous Light Hydrating Lotion ($24, olay.com) goes on as a cool gel, is absorbed quickly, and leaves skin smooth and plump. Over time, niacinamide helps lessen the look of brown spots for a more even skin tone.

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THE GUIDE beauty

THE BRISTLES ADD TENSION TO STRAIGHTEN; THE BARREL ADDS SHAPE AND SHINE.

J U ST PL AIN FUN.

Oh, behave!

It’s easy

Wake-up makeup

Bubble over

Tame unruly ends with Honest Beauty Honestly Polished Dry Condition + Shine Serum ($20, honestbeauty.com).

Avocado, sea-buckthorn, and grapeseed oils nourish hair without adding weight, the way siliconebased serums can.

Gentle yet effective, Erno Laszlo Sensitive Cleansing Oil ($58, ernolaszlo.com) is packed with antiinflammatory botanicals. Rub it on dry skin and let the oils dissolve dirt and makeup.

Then rinse clean.

Can’t leave the house without mascara?

Rimmel Wonder’lash Volume Colourist Mascara ($10, us.rimmellondon.com) semipermanently tints lashes while doing its day job. In two weeks, yours will look darker whether you apply it or not.

Housed in a recyclable bottle, this supersize (18-ounce) Method Refreshing Body Wash in Lilac Blossom ($6, Target stores) services everyone in the house: kids, pets, you. The naturally derived formula is a bonus.

THE PULL-TOP LID MEANS YOU DON’T HAVE TO FUSS WITH A CAP WHEN YOUR HANDS ARE WET.

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A DV ERT I S E M EN T

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drink up Pair breakfast with a glass of water and a full LEMON squeezed into it. Not only will this detox your system, but the antioxidants are known to protect your body from the harsh sun and pollution.

snack break Noshing on antioxidant-rich foods like fresh BLUEBERRIES after your workout is known to aid in the recovery process.

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H OT RO D UNLIKE TRADITIONAL CURLING IRONS, THE REMINGTON TSTUDIO THERMALUXE SLIM WAND ($28.50, WALMART.COM) USES A GRADIENT HEATING SYSTEM IN THE BARREL. THE BASE IS HOTTER THAN THE TIP, SO YOU GET MORE CURL AT THE ROOTS, WHERE YOU NEED IT.

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Well-oiled

Streamline with IT Cosmetics Anti-Aging Armour Super Smart Skin-Perfecting Beauty Fluid SPF 50+ ($38, sephora.com). It’s a primer, line-smoothing moisturizer, and sunscreen in one.

Removing mascara with Too Faced Mascara Melt Off Cleansing Oil Mascara Remover ($17, sephora.com) requires less elbow grease. Brush onto lashes, wait one minute, then sweep away with a damp cloth.

WANDING 101

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Wipeable, durable, and easy on the eyes, the Mara Hoffman for Sephora Collection The Kaleidescape Reversible Overnighter and The Kaleidescape Escapader ($30 and $20 each, sephora.com) stylishly hold your makeup.

The chunky zippers close even when the kit is stuffed.

GIVE THEM A HAND FOR THIS INNOVATION: PALMER’S COCOA BUTTER FORMULA FLIPBALM IN RIPE MANGO, CREAMY COCONUT, AND JUICY WATERMELON ($3.50 EACH, PALMERS.COM) SLIDE OPEN AND SHUT WITH THE FLICK OF A THUMB.

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T O P R I G H T: P H O T O G R A P H BY D A N N Y K I M ; P R O P S T Y L I N G BY W E N D Y S C H E L A H

THE GUIDE beauty

First slip the (included) protective glove onto your nondominant hand to shield your skin. Holding the wand with the tip pointing downward, wrap oneinch sections of dry hair around the barrel, away from your face.

Repeat all over.

Let hair cool, then shake it out.

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THE GUIDE beauty

9 SECRETS TO GREAT SKIN From simple lifestyle tweaks to using (sort of strange) tools, these winning strategies come from experts who know.

Written by Genevieve Monsma Photograph by Johnny Miller

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Not ready to microneedle (see No. 3)? Glide the e.l.f.

Cosmetics Facial Massager ($4, elfcosmetics.com), with its plastic nubs, over skin to decrease puffiness.

N o. 4

N o. 1

THE GUIDE beauty

Hurry up Austin, Texas–based aesthetician Renée Rouleau says that one of the biggest skin-care mistakes people make is waiting too long after washing to apply moisturizer.

Whether it’s face or body lotion, “you have just a short window after cleansing to put on a hydrating product before moisture starts to evaporate,” says Rouleau. “If you let your skin dry completely, the water on your skin plus any moisture in your skin will start to get pulled into the air.” Ellen Marmur, a New York City dermatologist, recommends accelerating in the shower, too: “Long showers strip your natural oils. That’s why some people have a chronic itchy spot on their back.”

“I use eye cream every day, because that’s the first place to show signs of aging,” says Marmur, who admits she has gotten up in the middle of the night to reapply it (!).

Photograph by

James Wojcik

N o. 2 R E A SS E SS YO U R R EG I M E N Don’t go on autopilot with your skin care, says Marmur, who eschews a set routine in favor of amassing a mindful collection of products, then customizing day by day.

“If my skin looks good and feels comfortable,” she says, “I use a lighter night cream.

In October, when the barometer drops and

my skin becomes drier, I choose a richer formula.” Similarly, several women mentioned their devotion to masks, which help them treat temporary conditions, like sensitivity and dryness. “I use an exfoliating clay mask followed by a hydrating mask when I’m having my morning coffee,” says Jessica Alba, the founder of Honest Beauty. Pamela Baxter, the founder of Bonafide Beauty Lab, alternates a Fresh Black Tea Instant Perfecting Mask ($92, fresh.com), to hydrate, with a Sapelo AntiAging Enzyme Mask ($75, sapeloskincare. com), to exfoliate, up to three times a week.

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Extend the benefits of dry brushing (see No. 7) to your face with the Aveda Tulasāra Radiant Facial Dry Brush ($44, aveda.com).

N o. 3

Knowing that you need to wear sunscreen daily and actually doing it are two different things, says Whitney Bowe, a New York City dermatologist, who advocates finding a sunscreen that you really like so you will be more inclined to slather it on.

One of her favorites is Equitance Sunscreen Broad Spectrum SPF 36 ($30, equitance-us.com), which has linoleic acid to help fade sun damage while preventing it.

Marmur’s picks: SkinCeuticals Physical Fusion UV Defense SPF 50 ($34, skinceuticals.com), since it is lightweight and suits days when she’s both indoors and out; and EltaMD UV Daily Tinted Broad-Spectrum SPF 40 ($29, dermstore. com) for exercising. “It’s mineral and a bit thicker, so it has staying power,” she says.

Tabe swears by Jane Iredale Powder-Me Dry SPF 30 ($47, janeiredale. com). “I apply it throughout the day,” she says.

“It can easily be put on over makeup.”

T RY A N E W TO O L It’s called a derma roller. (Picture a mini paint roller studded with tiny metal needles.) It pricks holes in the skin’s top layer (pain is minimal), with the aim of creating minuscule pathways for lotions and serums to burrow deeper into the epidermis and so be more effective, says Mashell Tabe, an Albuquerque-based aesthetician, who uses a derma roller almost every night. Her favorite is the Clinical Resolution MTS Roller ($130, moveitgear.com). She also swears by in-office microneedling (which ranges from $250 to $1,000), a more intense procedure that involves a motorized needling device that goes deeper into the skin, causing tiny wounds and stimulating collagen production.

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O P E N I N G PA G E : H A I R A N D M A K E U P BY L I A M D U N N U S I N G O R I B E H A I R C A R E A N D D I O R C O S M E T I C S FO R B E R N S T E I N & A N D R I U L L I ; T H I S PA G E : P R O P S T Y L I N G BY L I N D E N E L S T R A N

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N o. 5

According to researchers at Loughborough University, in England, women need 20 minutes more sleep per day than men do.

Treat from the inside

THE GUIDE beauty

“To keep my skin clear and firm, I eat the building blocks of collagen—such as copper, found in nuts and seeds; and lysine, found in legumes and lean meats,” says Marmur, who adds that foods with zinc and magnesium also help combat acne.

Although there are not piles of scientific studies proving that a healthy diet equals better skin, says Marmur, “I’ve seen overwhelming anecdotal evidence in my practice and in my own skin.”

Bowe agrees; a glow-boosting trick that she uses when her skin looks sallow is to raise her betacarotene intake by adding carrots or sweet potatoes to a smoothie. Finally, and you’ve heard it before: Most experts interviewed said that drinking water is a must. Josie Maran, a model and the founder of Josie Maran Cosmetics, tricks herself into guzzling more with a bit of flavor doctoring. “I make fruit-, vegetable-, and herbinfused waters,” she says. “My favorite is spiking water with chopped strawberries and basil.”

N o. 8

Go to bed

N o. 7 E X F O L I AT E M O R E , TO O N o. 6 “As we age, skin cells turn over at a slower rate than they did in our 20s,” says Bowe.

The result: Without help from scrubs, peels, or even a clean washcloth, dead skin cells can build up on your face and body, clogging pores, preventing products from penetrating, and making your complexion look dull. Bowe uses Dr. Brandt Microdermabrasion Skin Exfoli-

Exercise early and often “One of the main functions of the skin is to regulate heat, so when you’re working out, the blood vessels in the skin dilate to bring warm blood to the surface, allowing heat to be transferred out of the body and into the air. This gives you a glowy flush,” says Marmur, who begins every day with 30 minutes of running, cycling, or basketball. Boosting blood flow also ensures that your skin is getting the oxygen and the nutrients that it needs to be healthy. “Skin is your body’s last priority. Blood goes first to the brain and core organs, so getting blood filled with nutrients pumping all the way to your skin first thing in the morning means it starts the day healthy too,” says Marmur.

KEEP GLOWING

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ant ($79, drbrandt skincare.com) twice a week on her face and hands. Baxter has devised an exfoliating plan for her rosaceaprone skin: “I cleanse every night with the gentle Foreo Luna cleansing brush [$169, sephora.com], and every two days I use Tatcha Polished Classic Rice Enzyme Powder [$78, sephora.com], which does not irritate.” Supermodel Christie Brinkley has been exfoliating for more than 40 years.

“There weren’t face scrubs when I was a teenager,” says Brinkley, “so I used a foot scrub on all of my skin starting at 19.” Brinkley has long since switched to a gentler scrub made for the face, and she believes this is the secret to getting circulation going and diminishing puffiness in the morning. Sloughing below the neck is also key, says Palm Beach, Florida–based aesthetician Tammy Fender, who dry-brushes before she showers.

“The skin repairs itself at night, so the more sleep you get, the more time your complexion has to rejuvenate,” says Bowe.

And the benefits are not just long-term. In many cases, you can see results the next morning.

“The more sleep I get, the less makeup I need, because my skin looks naturally refreshed,” says Alba. And the opposite is also true. “Under-eye puffiness can be caused by a spike in cortisol levels,” says Bowe. “Beauty sleep is no joke—you truly need seven to eight hours. When you don’t get enough sleep, your cortisol levels increase, and when that happens, that boosts the rate of collagen breakdown, causing under-eye bags to appear.” FYI: “Yawning and squinting can break down collagen and elastin around the eyes, too,” says Bowe.

Try the EcoTools Bristle Bath Brush ($6, ulta.com).

N o. 9

COMMIT “There are no shortcuts when it comes to beautiful skin,” says Bowe. “Diligence is key; even missing just one night of your skin-care routine—not washing off your makeup—can actually make you break out, cause inflammation, and set you back.”

So in addition to the strategies outlined in this story, sticking to a solid skin-care regimen is one of your best good-skin tactics.

“My mother always told me, ‘There are no ugly women,’” says Baxter, “ ‘just lazy ones.’ Now go wash your face!”

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ROA O D TES ST T 3 BEST S FOR O REDNESS SS

C CONCEALERS

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1

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2

3

4 BEST S BARGAIN G N

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4

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5

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1 BEST FOR UNDER EYES

ROAD O D TEST T

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2 BEST APPLICATOR R

7

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“It dried d fi h that h blurred bl d dery finish l d pores,” said d my lines and h d . a tester. In nine shades.

TO BUY: $46, bobbii b . browncosmetics.com.

6

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6 BEST SPLURGE E

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THE GUIDE beauty y

5 MOST LONG-LASTING

Smashbox S hb S Studio d Sk Skin n l 24-Hour Concealer Th liquid l d matte formu f ula This s d to witthsets in seconds s d sweat and d wate ter. stand d on allll day, d , yet “It stayed k looked l k d like l k sskin— my skin d aid one not allll made-up,” sa t h des. tester.

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Learning you have an illness is difficult enough— but then you have to grapple with what to do with that information.

Here, experts and those who have been through it share the crucial next steps—and some comfort, in the process.

Written by Jennifer King Lindley Illustrations by Gracia Lam

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THE GUIDE health

AFTER THE DIAGNOSIS

THE GUIDE health

G I V E I N TO YO U R FEELINGS

IT MAY START WITH a nagging symptom, a troubling scan, or a phone call. In an instant, your life seems to split into before and after.

We all hope it will never happen to us, but odds are you or someone close to you will have to navigate this traumatic terrain at some point.

Forty percent of Americans will be diagnosed with cancer in their lifetime; breast, lung, and colorectal are the three most prevalent types for women. Heart disease, multiple sclerosis, and other life-changing illnesses are also all too common.

“There’s initially a feeling of complete shock. It may last hours or days,” says Gary McClain, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in New York City and the author of After the Diagnosis: How Patients React and How to Help Them Cope. Although you may want

to crawl under the covers and stay there, you need to take in complex medical information, help loved ones cope, and juggle the rest of life. Even in the midst of a crisis, the dog needs to be walked.

“Being sick can be a fulltime job,” says Patty Ribera, a professional organizer, a former nurse, and the founder of Critical Organizing, which provides medical, financial, and estate organizational help. And it’s one that you’ve had no training for: What do you do first? Whom do you tell? Calm your mind, gather your support crew, and follow these early steps.

OCTOBER 2016

Expect a roller coaster of emotions.

McClain works with clients who have been diagnosed with HIV, lupus, diabetes, and other conditions, and he has seen the gamut of reactions: sadness, frustration, numbness, fear, anger, and, very often, “Why me?” Loved ones who feel helpless themselves may try to encourage your denial: “You’ll beat this! Cheer up!” But, says McClain, “it’s important to let yourself feel how you feel—including the not-socomfortable emotions, like anger.

Trying to hold in those feelings just adds to your stress.” (A licensed therapist can help you get used to letting it all out.) “You are grieving the loss of your health as you knew it, and that takes time,” says Anne Coscarelli, Ph.D., the director of the Simms/Mann UCLA Center for Integrative Oncology. “Doing so helps you shift gears and better adjust to the challenges you’ll face.”

G E T T H E K E Y FAC T S You’ve probably heard that patients who are well-informed about their condition have better outcomes. But does that mean you have to bone up on cell biology and the latest clinical trials? The prospect can be overwhelming, even terrifying. Don’t push yourself. It’s fine to take in information in small increments during those first days and weeks, says Vicki Kennedy, a social worker and a vice president at the Cancer Support Community, in Washington, D.C. Some good first questions to ask your doctor: What do I need to know right now? How much time do I have to decide and act?

What is the immediate next step here?

Also keep in mind the following ways to get up to speed fast.

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Prepare strategically for your appointments. In those first fraught meetings, stress can make it impossible to comprehend what the doctor is telling you. “Anxiety and distress interfere with your concentration and memory,” says Coscarelli. “You might retain less than half of the information that’s conveyed to you.”

Write out a list of your most important questions beforehand.

Another good idea is to bring along a second set of ears—or even two sets, if you believe that your partner is as overwhelmed as you.

Repeat back crucial points to make sure that you have it straight (the exact name and stage of your condition, the drugs or therapies suggested). Many doctors will allow you to record meetings on a smartphone. That way, you can listen afterward at home, as often as you need, until everything sinks in.

Help the doctor get to know you. For many diseases, treatment is no longer one-sizefits-all. Write down in advance the points that you want to convey to your doctor about who you are, what your priorities are, and what’s important to you in treatment, says Kennedy. Maybe

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THE GUIDE health

you’re a single mom who works full-time and you’re concerned about how treatment will affect your ability to work. “Research shows that people who do this kind of preparation have a far more satisfying and productive meeting with the doctor,” says Kennedy.

(A free program for cancer patients offers counselors who can walk you through these issues in person or on the phone. Search for “Open to Options” at cancersupport community.com.)

Don’t just hurry up and do something.

Unless it’s an actual emergency, experts suggest that you take the time to get a second opinion. Yet remarkably few people do this. In a 2010 Gallup poll, 70 percent of respondents said that they would not feel the need to seek out a second opinion after a medical diagnosis. “Many patients worry that they will be abandoned by their doctors at a time when they feel most vulnerable,” says Coscarelli.

A second opinion, however, is not meant as a vote of no confidence for doctor number one; it’s a way to gather more information so that you can be confident in your decision.

Be direct with your

physician: “I have to do my homework, so I’ll be consulting another expert, too.” Says Coscarelli, “If your doctor feels threatened, you may have the wrong doctor.”

Organize your records. Yes, there will be a lot of paperwork. Consider keeping all your medical information together and portable so you can take it to appointments, suggests Ribera. A low-tech accordion folder or a three-ring binder can work well.

Include copies of insurance cards; a list of medications and doses, including vitamins and supplements; records of relevant history; and a list of the doctors you have seen. If you’re comfortable storing this sensitive information on your phone, apps like MyChart provide an electronic way to stash it all. Ask your doctor to hand you, e-mail, or mail copies of the day’s tests and doctor’s notes. “You are legally entitled to this information,” says Ribera. That’s empowering for some, TMI for others. (Pathology reports, for instance, can sound scary if you don’t know the jargon.)

Google with caution. Pause a minute before heading to your favorite search engine, advises Steven Petrow, a 32-year cancer survivor and the former Medical Manners columnist for EverydayHealth.com.

True, the Internet can be invaluable for research, but horror stories, juice-cleanse cures, and alarming statistics abound. “Doctors have limited time with you,” says Coscarelli.

“If you bring in lots of misinformation they need to correct, that’s how they will have to spend it.” If research is your way to cope, visit sites run by major medical institutions and nonprofits (look for .org, .gov, and .edu), or ask a savvy friend to sift through information for you. “Just remember

OCTOBER 2016

that the doctor who is reading your pathology report or looking at your tests knows more about you than the Internet does,” says Coscarelli.

Explore your financial resources. “The financial toxicity of a major illness can be dramatic,” says Kennedy. “Studies suggest that up to half of bankruptcies may be medically related.”

This is not just because of high-dollar surgery or medications; gas, parking, co-pays, and missed work all add up. Early on, talk to a financial counselor or a social worker at your doctor’s office to discuss insurance and learn about assistance

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programs. Because of the astronomical cost of medical care, even if you’re financially stable, you may qualify for some programs, says Kennedy.

BREAK THE NEWS TO OT H E R S Sharing your illness with friends, family, and acquaintances can be as difficult as getting the news yourself in the first place. “Make sure that you have a correct diagnosis before you tell people,” cautions Petrow, who experienced misdiagnosis himself.

“Then take a deep breath, because telling other people makes it real.”

Tell your nearest and dearest faceto-face. In person or by video call is best, says Petrow. It might help to practice a short script beforehand and ease in with a preface: “There’s something going on in my life that I need to talk to you about.” Even with this planning, “you might end

comfort them. Or they might blurt out, “My neighbor had that, and she died/went to Mexico to see this fantastic herbalist!” Have a go-to response ready, says McClain: “I’ll keep that in mind.” Or, more bluntly, “I’m a little overwhelmed right now, but I’ll let you know if I need more information.”

Alert your employer— with caution. Even if you consider your coworkers a second family, proceed carefully. Under the Americans With Disabilities Act, you should be

OCTOBER 2016

accommodated. An unethical employer, however, might fire you for a trumped-up reason once you disclose your condition. Petrow suggests sussing out how coworkers’ illnesses have been handled in the past. Were the bosses understanding about absences? Were coworkers supportive of the extra load they had to carry? If you see red flags, you may want to consult a lawyer before proceeding (better safe than sorry). Even if the environment seems supportive, it might be smart to wait until you have a treatment plan in place so you can give your employer concrete details. And be sure to tell your boss first (or HR if your company has a formal policy in place). “You don’t want your coworkers to be the ones that deliver your news,” says Petrow.

Post to social media when (and if) you’re ready. Doing a Facebook reveal can produce an outpouring of support from everyone you know.

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But while “posting can be an act of real bravery,” says Petrow, once the news is up, it can be seen and shared— not just with your cheering section but also with everyone from future employers to college admissions offices. Once you do let everyone know, many will crave updates on your condition. Ribera recommends Caring Bridge.org, a website that lets you or a loved one post news as needed: “That way, you don’t have to get home from the doctor exhausted and think, I have to call Uncle Joe and cousin Billy.”

(Similar sites include CarePages.com and PostHope.org.)

GAT H E R S U P P O RT In times of stress, men often react with fight or flight and “women react with ‘tend and befriend,’ ” says Coscarelli. “They think, Who can I talk to? Who can I gather near who’ll be supportive of me?”

Assemble your posse.

Enlist an advocate.

“You need an ally you can lean on,” says Ribera. “It can be a family member, a friend, or a neighbor— and ideally someone familiar with medical

THE GUIDE health

up saying, ‘Hi, I have cancer’ and bursting into tears,” says Petrow.

“No judgment. We’re all human, and you haven’t done this before.” If you’re too upset, ask a spouse or a sibling to share the news with those who need to know immediately, then follow up personally when you are ready. “If you want others to keep the news confidential, be sure to spell that out clearly,” says Petrow.

That way, you won’t be outed with a heartfelt Facebook comment.

Talk with your kids, now. “It’s a normal and natural reaction for a parent to want to shield a child,” says Meredith Cooper, the executive director at Wonders & Worries, an organization that provides support to children whose parents are facing chronic or serious illnesses. “But to establish trust, you want to provide honest information at the child’s level.” Cooper suggests sharing the news with your kids as soon as you know. “Kids as young as two will have picked up on a shift in the house—closed doors, the phone ringing, parents’ nonverbal expressions,” she says. If you don’t address this, kids may think they’ve done something wrong. Use the correct name of the illness, tell them in simple terms what the treatment plan is, and—crucially—explain how they will be taken care of through these changes. (“Nana will bring you to school and soccer practice.”) Plan to revisit the topic often, so kids know it is safe to discuss. (“I’m going to the doctor tomorrow. Are there any questions you’d like me to ask?”)

Use your judgment with friends and acquaintances. Neighbors, bookclub members, the nice mom from your kid’s class: Does everyone deserve the lowdown? “In our TMI culture, there’s a rush to disclose everything,” says Petrow. “But you don’t have to.” If you do want to share, steel yourself for some not-alwaysconsoling reactions. You may have to

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terms.” A 2008 Johns Hopkins study found that patients who brought a support person to appointments felt more satisfied with the medical care that they received. Your advocate can accompany you to treatments, lend an ear, ask questions, and speak up for you when you’re feeling overwhelmed.

Consider a support group. Even within a loving circle of family and friends, you can still feel as if no one understands exactly what you’re going through, says Kennedy. Consider an online group at first: “There, you’re anonymous, and you can disclose as little or as much as you want,” says McClain. Once you feel comfortable, ask your doctor or local hospital about in-person support groups in your area. They can be a lifeline to people coping with illnesses of all kinds and stages.

Ask friends to pick up dry cleaning.

You’ll hear this a lot: “Let me know if you need anything.” Practice your detailed reply: “Thank you so much!

Is there any chance you could mow my lawn?” You won’t have time for everything. Make a list of all the tasks that you don’t find as meaningful (drugstore runs, returning library books) so you can use your energy reserves for what’s important to you (helping the kids with homework, baking your favorite holiday pie).

You can set up pages on TakeThem aMeal.com and LotsaHelpingHands. com to organize helpers. Then use the sites to offer blanket thanks so that you don’t feel obligated to respond individually.

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G O E A SY O N YO U R S E L F There will be laundry on the floor. Take a nap anyway. “Don’t put pressure on yourself to become a vegan or take up an intensive yoga regime in those first few weeks,” says Kennedy. Here are some gentle ways to take care.

Stick to routines. Changes in appetite and sleep patterns are common.

“Try to eat healthy, get the sleep that you need, and exercise if you feel up to it,” says Kennedy. (Talk to your doctor if you are plagued by insomnia or a lack of appetite.)

Practice self-compassion. Now is not the time to beat yourself up about the clove cigarettes that you smoked in college. Focus on what you can do going forward. People who practice self-compassion, treating themselves as they would a good friend, are better at managing the emotional distress associated with a diagnosis, according to a 2013 study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin.

Give yourself a break. You’ve gotten through a looong week full of stressful appointments. On the weekend, administer some emotional first aid to slip out of panic mode. “Give yourself permission to focus your energy elsewhere, whether it’s going to a movie or being with friends,” says Kennedy.

P R E PA R E FO R T H E LO N G E R H AU L After the first few weeks, your adrenaline may drop. The casseroles may slow. “It’s not unusual for people to feel low once they’ve had time to process all they have been through— even when treatment is going well,” says Coscarelli. But this can also be a turning point. “You start to get your feet on the ground,” concludes Kennedy. “You think, I have a plan. I have a lot of people supporting me. It may not be pretty. But I can do this.”

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They’re the biggest trend in pants this fall, but pulling off these proportions can be no small feat—until now, that is.

HOW TO WEAR WIDE-LEG PANTS Written by Brandi Broxson

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Photographs by Philip Friedman

H O W TO W E A R FIT TIP NICE EXTRA

Pintuck pleats create subtle curves for narrow frames.

2

Culottes with a wide waistband keep your middle looking trim.

1

STYLE UPGRADE

The side slit on this cream sweater makes it less boxy.

CU LOT T E S Hitting at or above the knee, this style highlights the waist on hourglass and pear-shape figures. Think of it as a more voluminous (and refined) version of Bermuda shorts, says Lauren A. Rothman, the author of Style Bible. Petite? Skip this cut because it can have a shortening effect.

HOW TO WEAR THEM

2 CASUAL

3 POLISHED

1 FEMININE

These cozy wool culottes are just the thing for crisp autumn weekends. Flat Mary Janes and a soft sweater feel relaxed but look put-together.

Still feeling intimidated?

Just think of this style as a skirt (the inverted pleats add volume without bulk) and create a familiar ensemble with a pretty blouse and pointy-toed pumps.

Burgundy lace has ladylike appeal. Balance this pair’s vintage vibe with a sleek, similarly colored top and equally luxe textures, like velvet.

T O B U Y 1 : Z A R A C U LOT T E S , $ 70, Z A R A .C O M . L I N E & D OT TO P, $ 8 7, L I N E A N D D OT.C O M . C O L E H A A N P U M P S , $ 2 5 0, C O L E H A A N .C O M . B A N A N A R E P U B L I C N EC K L AC E , $ 4 8 , B A N A N A R E P U B L I C .

C O M . 2 : R E I S S C U LO T T E S , $ 24 5 , R E I S S .C O M . S I M P LY V E R A V E R A WA N G P U L LOV E R , $ 6 4 , KO H L S .C O M . C A N VA S BY L A N D S ’ E N D F L AT S , $ 9 0, C A N VA S BY L A N D S E N D.C O M . O R L A K I E LY B A G , $ 4 4 0, O R L A K I E LY.C O M . S O L E S O C I E T Y S U N G L A S S E S ( AVA I L A B L E I N B L A C K A N D T O R T O I S E ) , $ 3 0, S O L E S O C I E T Y.C O M . 3 : M I L LY C U LO T T E S , $ 4 5 0, M I L LY.C O M . T U C K E R T O P, $ 2 9 5 , T U C K E R N Y C .C O M . I M A G I N E V I N C E C A M U T O H E E L S , $ 1 5 0, I M A G I N E V I N C E C A M U T O.C O M . B A U B L E B A R E A R R I N G S , $ 3 4 , B A U B L E B A R .C O M .

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H O W TO W E A R

1

FIT TIP

Tuck in a blousy top to balance proportions.

NICE EXTRA

Vertical buttons and seaming draw the eye downward for an elongating effect.

3

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2

STYLE UPGRADE

The contoured tops of these booties show off ankles and keep legs from looking stumpy.

GAU C H O S Falling to midcalf, this cut has the look of a mid-length skirt with all the comfort of pants, says Alison Deyette, a Los Angles– based stylist. Since the hem hits at the widest part of the lower leg, choose shoes with some height to keep you looking long and lean.

HOW TO WEAR THEM

2 ARTSY

3 GLAMOROUS

1 OFFICE CHIC

A traditional glen plaid feels anything but when paired with a rich jacquard top trimmed with leather and fringe.

Bold accessories (sparkly earrings, edgy booties) push the boundaries in a good way.

Give your LBD the night off and try this figurefriendly spin on tuxedo pants instead. (The wide cummerbund waistband flatters curvier midsections.) Finish them off with a shimmery gold blouse and black pumps.

This crisp, camel-hued style stands out in a sea of black and navy work pants.

A knit top and sleek accessories polish off the look.

Tall? You can pull these off with flats. If not, add heels for a little height.

T O B U Y 1 : A N N TAY LO R PA N T S , $ 1 1 9 , A N N TAY LO R .C O M . R D S T Y L E S W E AT E R , $ 7 2 , R D S T Y L E .C O M . N I N E W E S T F L AT S , $ 8 9 , N I N E W E S T.C O M . L U L L A C O L L E C T I O N BY B I N D YA S C A R F, $ 7 5 , Z A P P O S .C O M . B A N A N A R E P U B L I C B A G , $ 1 8 8 , B A N A N A R E P U B L I C .C O M . 2 : J .C R E W PA N T S , $ 1 4 8 , J C R E W.C O M . E T I E N N E A I G N E R T O P, $ 3 2 5 , E T I E N N E A I G N E R .C O M . K L U B N I C O B O OT I E S , $ 2 1 5 , K L U B N I C O.C O M . C H LO E + I S A B E L E A R R I N G S , $ 4 8 , C H LO E A N D I S A B E L .C O M . 3 : C O O P E R & E L L A PA N T S , $ 1 4 0, C O O P E R A N D E L L A .C O M . A L I C E + O L I V I A BY S TAC E Y B E N D ET T O P, $ 2 8 5 , A L I C E A N D O L I V I A .C O M . S J P BY S A R A H J E S S I C A PA R K E R H E E L S , $ 3 5 0, B LO O M I N G D A L E S .C O M .

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Cinch the builtin belt to lend curves to a straighter figure.

3

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2

FIT TIP

This pair’s waistband is elastic, for a truly comfortable fit.

STYLE UPGRADE

To take this look from day to night, lose the blazer and add a metallic clutch.

F U L L L E N GT H Universally flattering, this elongated, flared style should hit between the anklebone and the floor, says Amanda Kraemer, the style director at Loft.

Look for tall or petite sizing when appropriate to ensure that the length is scaled to your proportions.

HOW TO WEAR THEM

2 SOPHISTICATED

3 LUXE

1 CLASSIC

Think white trousers won’t flatter your frame?

Think again. This pair’s structured fabric won’t show lumps or bumps.

For contrast (and warmth), add a crew sweater, a faux-fur scarf, and leopard heels.

Silky pajama-style pants feel light-years away from loungeware when styled with structured pieces, like a dusty rose buttonup and a cool navy vest.

Glittery smoking slippers and a navy stole take it to the next level.

A true wardrobe staple, this black cotton pair works 365 days a year.

Pull on a soft blazer when temperatures dip, or wear with a silk tank come spring.

T O B U Y 1 : C A N VA S BY L A N D S ’ E N D PA N T S , $ 1 2 5 , C A N VA S BY L A N D S E N D.C O M . L . K . B E N N E T T T O P, $ 3 2 5 , L K B E N N E T T.C O M . M A S S I M O D U T T I J A C K E T, $ 24 5 , M A S S I M O D U T T I .C O M . J .C R E W P U M P S , $ 2 7 8 , J C R E W.C O M . E L I Z A B E T H C O L E J E W E L R Y E A R R I N G S , $ 24 3 , E L I Z A B E T H C O L E J E W E L R Y.C O M . 2 : H A L S T O N H E R I TA G E PA N T S , $ 2 9 5 , H A L S T O N .C O M . J O E F R E S H S W E AT E R , $ 4 9 , J O E F R E S H .C O M . E L L I E K A I FA U X- F U R S C A R F, $ 7 8 , E L L I E K A I .C O M . S A M E D E L M A N P U M P S , $ 1 5 0, S A M E D E L M A N .C O M . P OV E R T Y F L AT S BY R I A N C L U T C H , $ 6 8 , P OV E R T Y F L AT S BY R I A N .

C O M . H & M E A R R I N G S , $ 1 0, H M .C O M . 3 : LO F T PA N T S , $ 7 0, LO F T.C O M . AY R T O P, $ 2 2 5 , AY R .C O M . M A S S I M O D U T T I V E S T, $ 2 2 5 , M A S S I M O D U T T I .C O M . N I C + Z O E FA U X- F U R C O L L A R , $ 1 0 8 , N I C A N D Z O E .C O M . S O L E S O C I E T Y F L AT S , $ 7 0, S O L E S O C I E T Y.C O M .

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If so, you probably have a smidge of empathy. It’s a powerful—and currently trending— character trait.

It stops bullying!

Builds bridges!

Helps kids get into college! And the best news: You can cultivate more.

Here’s how.

Written by Yelena Moroz Alpert Illustrations by Lilli Carré

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YOU FEEL ME?

LET’S START WITH A POP QUIZ: Do you know the difference between empathy and sympathy? “Sympathy is feeling for someone. Empathy is feeling with someone,” says Michele Borba, Ed.D., an educational psychologist and the author of UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World. Another way to think of it: Sympathy is observing a painting in a gallery; empathy is being in the painting.

It is entering into another’s reality,

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whether that is someone’s pain or simply a different way of life, and valuing that person’s feelings. “And with empathy, there is always a dance between emotions, cognition, and behaviors,” says Roman Krznaric, Ph.D., the founding faculty member at the School of Life, in London, and the author of Empathy: Why It Matters, and How to Get It. For example, you see a new coworker fidgeting during the weekly meeting. You notice that she looks nervous; empa-

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thy helps you relate to the fact that we’re all a little unsure of ourselves in the first week at the office, so you then act: You invite her to grab lunch, to make her feel more at ease.

Research shows that practicing empathy boosts your own happiness and self-esteem. And empathetic kids are less likely to bully or discriminate against people who are not like them. Also, according to a 2014 study by the Momentous Institute, a Dallas-based organization that provides therapeutic and educational services to kids, higher empathy in elementary-age kids correlated with higher reading and math scores. “Parents sometimes think that empathy is locked up in genetics or happens by chance.

They don’t realize it’s something they can work on,” says Borba.

We are all born with a capacity for some empathy. (A 2016 research review published in Infant Behavior and Development noted that dayold babies show more distress over other infant cries than their own.)

But that capacity is not set. It can be gained...or lost. In infancy, the brain makes mirror neurons—cells that fire up when we see others express an emotion and then signal our brain to feel the same thing. As we grow older, if we’re in tune with others’ emotions, the brain develops neural pathways—think of them as trails that eventually turn into a solid road—so that we can pinpoint someone’s feelings more quickly instead of having to pave a new path every time. But environmental and social factors—let’s call them weeds—are constantly trying to erode our empathic instincts.

Today’s culture and lifestyle tend to prioritize personal success over concern for others and the common

CUE COMPASSION

Get more tips from expert Michele Borba on raising kind, empathetic kids at realsimple. com/empathy.

Prioritize face time good, says Richard Weissbourd, Ed.D., the faculty director of human development and psychology at the Harvard Graduate School of Education. “Parents say they want kids who are caring, but many are focused on immediate happiness and achievement instead,” he says.

“But helping kids value other people is developing their humanity.”

So how do you start to cultivate it— and keep out those weeds? Follow this advice.

H O W TO C R E AT E A N E M PAT H Y- B U I L D I N G E N V I RO N M E N T Raising empathetic children when you, yourself, don’t practice empathy is virtually impossible. “You don’t teach children empathy by telling them about it,” says Krznaric.

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Emotional literacy, or correctly interpreting facial expressions, is vital in developing empathy. It’s harnessed through continuous exposure to face-to-face interactions, which are then memorized via those important mirror neurons. “Face-to-face encounters are where we learn to put body language, eye contact, and voice tone together,” says Sherry Turkle, Ph.D., a professor of social studies of science and technology at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and the author of Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age. You know where this is headed: Every time you talk to your child without looking up from a screen, not only are you missing opportunities to read his face and better understand what he is feeling but your child (especially if he’s young) is also missing an opportunity to do the same and build his

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emotional vocabulary. “It is very likely that mirror neurons are built by connecting what we do with what we see,” says Marco Iacoboni, M.D., Ph.D., a professor of psychiatry and biobehavioral sciences at the David Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA and the author of Mirroring People: The Science of Empathy and How We Connect With Others. “If I smile and you smile back at me, my brain can associate the motor plan for smiling at the sight of someone else’s smiling face.” So curb your impulse to multitask between the digital and real worlds. “When you’re face-to-face, it sends a message that the person you’re talking to is important,” says Iacoboni.

Follow the platinum rule It’s this: Do unto others as they would have you do unto them. In other words, think about how that person would want you to treat him, not how you would like to be treated.

“Kids need to understand that someone else might see the world differently,” says Krznaric. This rule applies beautifully during playdates.

Before your son’s friends come over, have him brainstorm how the guests might want to play. If he reaches for his favorite caboose, say, “I know you love trains, but does James?

Last time he really enjoyed soccer.”

messages that you send your kids and see if anything needs a flip,” says Borba. “Maybe your language needs tweaking to include praise for character and compassion and not just performance.” When your child has a conflict, “don’t rush to provide a solution,” says Mary Gordon, the founder of Roots of Empathy, a Toronto-based nonprofit organization that works in schools. “Rush to build a connection.” When your daughter says, “Emma made fun of Sarah’s shirt, and I laughed, too,” you can reply, “I’m glad you told me.

Do you think that was right? How do you think Sarah felt? And what can you do to make her feel better?”

The goal is to pause rather than criticize—and give the child the chance to recognize her feelings.

Let them practice on you “We parents are often hesitant to reveal our fears or lack of confidence because we may not want our children to think that we are weak,” says Borba. Sharing vulnerabilities and frustrations opens up an opportunity for your kids to practice empathy

Speaking of the office…

Being an empathetic coworker can pay off— literally. A 2015 study published in Leadership Quarterly showed that leaders, particularly women, who were compassionate and excelled at taking others’ perspectives were more likely to move up.

on you, making it that much easier to apply it to future situations with people outside the family. Saying, “I had a hard day at work. I messed up my presentation,” demonstrates what humiliation might look like. It’s also a chance for your child to reply with “I feel the same way when I’m called on during class,” reinforcing those empathetic neural pathways.

Expand your circle “We typically have empathy for people similar to us,” says Weissbourd. Look for opportunities to build community with people in your kids’ school or church who come from a different background.

Or, at least, says Weissbourd, “make a point to introduce them to people not on their radar: the crossing guard, doughnut-store manager, or mailman. Make these people real and visible.” Your job as a parent is to show kindness and appreciation so that your children see people as human beings who have feelings, instead of figures who move the process along. “Get them in the habit of saying ‘Thank you,’” says Weissbourd. And practice what you preach: The next time you’re tempted to snap at a waitress because your food is taking forever, ask about her evening instead.

Watch your words

P R AC T I C A L T I P S FO R E V E RY AG E

Specifically, when it comes to conversations about school. Always asking about assignments can send the signal that success trumps consideration for others. That’s not to say that doing well in school or sports isn’t important—it just shouldn’t be the only topic. “Tune in to the daily

Around age three, the empathy that children are born with (remember the babies showing distress over others’ cries?) starts to become tainted by cultural and environmental factors. Toddlers begin to be more selec-

Infants and toddlers

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WATCH (AND READ) AND LEARN Research shows that reading literary fiction may improve empathy by providing the chance to imagine what others—i.e., characters in difficult or different-fromyou situations— are feeling.

Our experts suggested these empathybuilding books and movies.

BOOKS The Sneetches and Other Stories DR. SEUSS

Stellaluna JANELL CANNON

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Charlotte’s Web E. B. WHITE

The Hundred Dresses ELEANOR ESTES

tive about whom to help and perceive those different from them as, well, different. That’s an innocuous thing. (People are different.) But that’s why empathy—identifying with people who are different and having compassion for their experience— needs to be reinforced early on.

INVOLVE CHARACTERS. A 2016 study published in Journal of Children and Media showed that preschoolers who actively watched PBS Kids’ Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood showed higher levels of empathy than did those who watched a nature program. Why? “Kids may learn better from TV characters that are relatable and attractive and who talk directly to them, like real friends,” says Eric Rasmussen, Ph.D., the study author and an assistant professor in the College of Media and Communication at Texas Tech University, in Lubbock. The lesson: Use admirable characters in books

Ramona the Pest BEVERLY CLEARY

and shows to drive home important points, like kindness, generosity, and altruism. (See sidebar, right, for a list of recommendations.)

SAVE IT FOR LATER. “Children this age don’t learn deep messages in the moment but in the review,” says Gordon. If there’s a kerfuffle where your child makes another kid sad, wait until you’re in the car to reflect calmly.

Why did the friend feel that way?

How would you feel? How could you treat her differently next time?

Elementary school

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time MARK HADDON

The Grapes of Wrath JOHN STEINBECK

Night ELIE WIESEL

MOVIES Dumbo Inside Out Freaky Friday Billy Elliot Mean Girls The Book Thief The Other Son

Children are learning the language of empathy, but they are not yet fluent. While they can recognize that two people can feel differently in the same situation, they are more comfortable around those like them.

That’s one reason why bullying starts to pick up at this age.

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BRING BACK PLAYTIME. As children move into elementary school, parents start to put more emphasis on learning instead of play. “Without unstructured play time—at least some time every day—kids are missing opportunities to learn about social cues and negotiations,” says Doris Bergen, Ph.D., a distinguished professor of educational psychology emerita at Miami University, in Oxford, Ohio. Simple, unstructured play is an effective way to build empathy. In addition, games contribute to moral development as well as to many cognitive skills— they’re essentially dress rehearsals for the real world. One study published in the journal Child Development showed that children who shared something that they had in their possession during play without being asked demonstrated more concern for others as adults.

Whether they are acting out a tea party or a pirate ship, kids must consider other children’s perspectives and sift through ideas to continue.

STOP “ING-ING.” You know, solving, rescuing, helicopter parenting. It’s important in raising self-sufficient, confident kids, but it’s also crucial in raising empathetic ones. When you intervene, you send the vibe that kids need help. Consequently, kids’ self-esteem, confidence, and courage to deal with adversity starts to wane. If they lack adequate coping skills, seeing other people’s pain can add to their own distress and shut down empathy completely.

START EMPOWERING. Helping your kids confidently act on their own can have a (good) snowball effect.

According to research reviewed in the 2016 Children and Youth Services Review journal, when one person intervenes to stop bullying,

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the likelihood that others will intervene rises. The kids on the sideline?

They are liable to be less confident, sure, but also less empathetic. (It’s all connected.) Kids lacking in empathy more often joined in the bullying or remained passive.

Tweens and teens Get ready to see an empathy slump when kids enter middle school.

“Fitting in with a group is key, and as they enter the teen years, the culture of peer pressure is more likely to activate parts of the brain that take risks than those that do the right thing,” says Borba. The empathy channel is most open when a child feels OK with who he is. But as stress begins to mount, he may start to cope by thinking of himself first.

LIMIT SOCIAL MEDIA (HAHAHA). As if you haven’t heard it before: Spending too much time on Instagram and Snapchat shifts the focus to superficial things and amplifies selfabsorption. (It’s easier to get likes for looking cool than being kind.) Constant comparisons replace concern for others with vanity. “Empathy is always we, not me,” says Borba. “It’s hard to feel with someone when you want to be better than they are.”

LOOK FOR FLASH MOMENTS. “Those are the moments of insight—where you realize that you’re totally wrong about your assumptions—that shift you to a new empathic level,” says Krznaric. The renowned social psychologist Elliot Aronson found that spending just one hour a day collaborating builds empathy for those whom you would otherwise ignore because of how they look. That could come on a sports field or on a school project, but you can also make those moments happen. They can be small. Your teens don’t have to build houses in Haiti to get a new perspective; visiting another part of town or talking to classmates who

OCTOBER 2016

they don’t normally socialize with can be eye-opening. A 2015 study published in Disability and Rehabilitation showed that children ages 7 to 16 who reported regular contact with those with disabilities demonstrated less anxiety and increased empathy about those interactions. “As we grow up, we lose the curiosity to find out about strangers and their lives,” says Krznaric. “Often it is exactly those people who are the most interesting and can teach us tolerance.”

It takes just one person to ignite an empathetic spark for others. “It’s partly about the quantity of empathy you have. But it’s also about whom you have empathy for, such as those with different backgrounds, values, and religious orientations,” says Weissbourd. For instance, chitchatting with a store employee of a different cultural background can make your teen more open-minded toward that social group as a whole.

TALK ABOUT THE NEWS. Discussing world events when appropriate is another way to reinforce empathy.

Resist the urge to flip to The Voice and instead talk to your children (in an age-appropriate way) about a scary or difficult situation. Say something like “This is a horrible thing that happened, and this is why people were driven to harm others.”

Kids want to understand fully certain events. Don’t use the conversation to pick a side, reinforce stereotypes, or make excuses for a wrongdoer. “You shouldn’t try to explain a way out of cruel behavior,” says Weissbourd. Let your kids ask questions, as their worries may not be what you expected.

Explain that just because someone is behaving morally wrongly by being sexist, racist, or homophobic, it doesn’t always make them evil.

Says Weissbourd: “You are trying to help your kids understand another human being.”

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REALSIMPLE.COM

“MY WISH IS TO RACE MY BROTHER IN MONACO.”

Professional drivers on closed course. Do not attempt. Prototypes shown with options. Production models will vary. ©2016 Toyota Motor Sales, U.S.A., Inc.

Work & Money PAYAL KADAKIA • Cofounder and CEO of ClassPass, a fitness startup that connects people with workout classes • New York City

P H O T O G R A P H C O U R T E S Y O F C L A S S PA S S

What was your childhood like?

My parents came here from India in the 1970s with nothing. They were both chemists.

They raised me and my older sister in Randolph, New Jersey, a town where there were not a lot of Indian people. For my parents, it was really important to get to know the world and American culture.

Payal Kadakia didn’t give up when the first iteration of her startup stumbled.

She retooled and in 2013 launched ClassPass, a service that gives subscribers access to a variety of fitness classes at a range of locations—currently 8,500 studios, in 39 cities, across four countries.

Kadakia, 33, spoke with Real Simple about merging passion and profit.

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You’ve been a dancer all your life.

I started doing Indian dance when I was about three years old.

Most of my childhood revolved around dance.

My teacher was my mom’s best friend. On the weekends, we would travel to perform in competitions.

Tell us about college.

I went to MIT and majored in management science with a focus in operations research and a minor in

REALSIMPLE.COM

economics. I was always really into math and science, but I kept dance in my life.

After I graduated, I worked in [management] consulting at Bain, in New York. I left after three years and got a job at Warner Music Group, working on digital strategy. I was doing that as my day job, and then at night I would dance— every night.

You started your own troupe, called Sa Dance, which got some attention.

Yes, I didn’t even have a website yet and we landed on the front page of the Arts section of the New York Times. I was bringing my marketing and business side to the dance company and realized I had built a great brand. I came to a point where I said, “Do I pursue my [business] career? Do I pursue dance? Or do I do something else?”

Written by

Jane Porter

THE GUIDE work & money

A M E R I C A N VO I C E S

THE GUIDE work & money

What happened next?

I met with my mentor and told her I planned to work a day job while I did my idea on the side. She said, “I would never invest in you if you had another job, because you’re not focused.” That’s when I realized I had to commit completely.

What were the early days like?

One of my childhood friends was my right hand in setting up the company. We would work out of Starbucks.

We hired another good friend as lead engineer. Then my mentor gave us office space.

We were there from morning till night.

Still, the business failed twice before you finally figured it out.

The first product was a search engine, but we found that people weren’t actually going to classes because of it. The second was a discovery pass—you could try different classes for a month.

Then we realized peo-

to lean on so you can focus your time.

What else helps?

I set goals for myself every three months.

I write them down.

Talk about that.

I have five areas—ClassPass, dance, my relationship, my family, and myself—and I usually jot down one thing in each area. With dance, it might be that within those months, I want to hold auditions to find new dancers for the company. At the end of three months, if we’ve done that, I’ll feel good.

The self stuff might be something healthrelated. I need to go to the dentist. Just writing it out makes me feel better. And it makes me not feel guilty about what I’m not doing.

ple needed something they could stick to.

Finally we created a monthly subscription.

You manage a team of 170 at ClassPass.

What type of leader are you?

I try to lead by passion and conviction. I think it’s important to remind people why they’re doing things.

How does that play into your own life?

The thing I’m trying to solve for everyone else in the world—finding time for the activities you love—is the same thing I have to work on for myself. There are so many times when I think, I don’t have time to dance, but I force it into my life because I know it’s so important.

What about personal time?

My husband [a lawyer] and I both work a lot, but we enjoy that. We try to make sure we get to hang out and have a normal conversation at least once every day.

And you still have your dance company.

Yes, but my job there is to perform and help with the choreography.

I have a team that runs the company now. The only way to do everything in your life is to find awesome people

What’s your best advice for new entrepreneurs?

If there’s somebody you want to meet or get to know, you can. Surround yourself with people who lift you higher.

OCTOBER 2016

ASK BUCKY TIME INC.’S* ALL-KNOWING, STRAIGHTSHOOTING SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT OF TALENT MANAGEMENT, BUCKY KEADY, TACKLES YOUR WORKPLACE CONUNDRUMS.

What do you do if your boss is snippy and annoyed every time you approach her?

That’s a tough one. I would look for the moment where the two of you are having a really good conversation about work, and at the end of that say, “Can I have three more minutes of your time? Because I could use some coaching on what the best way for us to communicate would be.” This way, you’ve set yourself up to have a positive exchange about a tricky topic.

Then you can say something like “I know you’re really stretched and have a lot on your plate.

What’s the best way for me to communicate with you?” You can offer some options. You want to determine if she likes a pop-in or a quick e-mail, or if she would rather you come in with all questions at the end or beginning of the day. Positioning this exchange after a good work conversation helps you past the awkwardness—you’re already in a flow. If confronting the issue doesn’t feel right, try backing off a bit. Playing it cool might improve the chemistry and solve the problem. *TIME INC. IS THE PARENT COMPANY OF REAL SIMPLE.

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P O R T R A I T BY S A R A H M AY C O C K

What sparked the notion of ClassPass?

I was looking online for a ballet class and having trouble finding one. I had an idea to create a search engine for classes.

“The thing I’m trying to solve for everyone else—finding time for the activities you love—is the same thing I have to work on for myself.”

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C A R E E R C OAC H

5 keys to getting back into the workforce Whether you’ve been home raising kids, on furlough due to downsizing, or out for family issues, Jennifer Gefsky, a cofounder of Après, a company specializing in career transitions, has smart strategies for coming back strong.

YO U T U B E

3

Video yourself answering mock interview questions.

Nobody will see it but you, and it will help sharpen your skills.

THE GUIDE work & money

Catch up on what you missed “Sites like Coursera [coursera.org] and Ed X [edx.org] offer free classes from schools like Harvard, MIT, and Berkeley—on topics such as search-engine optimization [SEO], social-media marketing, and business analytics. Add a section on professional development to your résumé, and include the classes that you take and any

1 Upgrade your (digital) first impression “Hiring managers will Google you before you ever have a chance to shake their hands. Make sure your online persona is ready. For networking sites, have a professional waist-up photo taken: solid-color top, hair out of your face—you should look pulled-together, not glamorous. Then arrange your résumé to show your strengths. If you’re concerned about gaps, organize by skill rather than chronology (say, marketing, leadership, organization). If you’ve done volunteer work with significant, quantifiable impact, include it, with metrics.

Written by

Nicole Gimmel Illustrations by

Studio Muti

4 Own the gap “Step into interviews with confidence and explain what you’ve been up to: ‘I made the decision five years ago to take care of a family member, and it was time well spent.’ You don’t have to share too many details about your personal life. But think through the possible reservations a company might have about you as a reentering employee—rusty skills, outdated expertise, childcare issues—so you’re ready with brief explanations. Conduct practice interviews with a friend who is working and knows your field— she will probably have some insights into what hiring managers might ask.”

other training, like certifications, that you’ve updated. Consider hiring a career coach specific to your industry, even for an hour, to get you up to speed. And be prepared to talk about anything and everything on your résumé: Just because something happened 20 years ago doesn’t mean that you won’t be asked about it.”

5 Persevere

ONE-ON-ONE

Find coaches at sites like apresgroup.com and fiveoclockclub.com.

2 ID obstacles, and remove them methodically “You need to use—and grow!—your networks when job searching. They’re much more likely to lead to employment than responding to listings will be. If you’re feeling shy or insecure, address the challenges. Not sure what to say to old colleagues? Write an elevator pitch so those e-mails are easy to crank out. Nothing to wear? Visit shopping sites that specialize in work wardrobes, like mmlafleur.com, where you can fill out a questionnaire and receive a box of go-together pieces. Feeling disconnected?

Find a professional group for women in your field. Nervous about all this interaction? Sign up for an improv class. It’s a low-risk way to practice thinking on your feet—and that pays off when you step into an interview.”

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“It can take six months to break back in. Consider temporary or contract work in the meantime.

In addition to bringing in income, this can help you secure current references. Keep interviewing—and if a hiring manager asks if you’re truly in a position to commit to full-time work, be decisive: ‘Absolutely.

My responsibilities at home are different than they were X years ago.

I’m energized and ready to roll up my sleeves.’ ”

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MONEY WISE

How to finally write your will

THE GUIDE work & money

Do I need a lawyer to write a will?

It’s like doing your taxes: You can file without an accountant—or do a will without a lawyer—but personal situations and state laws can make things complex. If, for example, you have children or have many assets, you’ll probably want a lawyer to help ensure that everything is in proper order. Also, if you live in a state that has estate or inheritance taxes (some don’t), a lawyer can strategize ways to minimize taxes, saving your family lots of money.

In other words, most people should hire one.

What kind of lawyer do I need?

One who specializes in estate planning.

Is this going to cost me a fortune?

Not if you find a lawyer who charges a flat fee rather than an hourly rate

Written by Kathleen Harris Illustration by Studio Muti

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for this service. This is totally doable, but flat fees come in various sizes, depending on local rates and the complexity of your estate plan. (For example, if you want to create a trust to save on estate taxes—or so you can implement rules about when your kids can access their inheritance—that’s more complex and will probably mean a higher flat fee.)

Expect to pay between $1,000 and $3,000.

That’s just for a will?

It should be for the suite of estate-planning documents that you need: living will, powers of attorney, for finances and health care.

What if I can’t afford that?

I highly recommend using a trusted lawyer, but if your situation is simple— straightforward assets, no health issues, no multiple marriages—you can try will-writing software, like Quicken WillMaker (about $50). It covers all states except Louisiana.

If I’m married, do I even need a will?

Doesn’t everything go to my spouse automatically?

One of the most important reasons for creating

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Gold star if you’ve already drafted one. But more than half of American adults have not.

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a will is to plan for the unfathomable possibility that you and your partner will die at the same time—you won’t have control over what happens then.

Does my will include a guardian for my kids?

Yes. And choosing a guardian is very personal and intuitive, obviously. There can be two guardians when it comes to children. One is guardian of the estate (the manager of your child’s money); the other is guardian of the person. You can choose the same person for both roles or two different people.

What will a lawyer ask me?

In essence he’ll ask, “How much are you worth?” and “What does your family tree look like?” Specifically, things like: Do you have good relationships with all your children and want to divide your property

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evenly? Your brother is great with kids, but is he good at managing money (i.e., should he both be guardian of the children and have power of attorney for your finances)? How do you feel about organ donation and life support? (Subjects for your living will.) These are heavy questions. Ask for a questionnaire ahead of time (all estate lawyers have them), or download the basic forms at the legal resource rocketlawyer.com. Many of the answers will be simple (“My kids get it all”), and some take thought (“Who is the best person to make end-of-life decisions for me?”). Don’t try to do all the work at once. Fill in the blanks over the course of a week, say, so you’re ready for your lawyer with answers—and maybe questions— at your appointment.

Do I need a list of every single thing that I own?

No, but you should loosely tally the amounts in your retirement accounts,

bank accounts, investment accounts, and insurance policies. Add in the current value of your home and car, and list any other high-value items, like artwork and jewelry.

(These are your assets.) Separately total up everything that you owe on your mortgage, credit cards, and other loans. (These are your liabilities.) List any heirlooms or sentimental items that you want certain people to have. If you really care that Peter gets the piano, say so. In some families, these things are not specified; the heirs take care of dividing up the tangible stuff themselves, but it can cause fights.

What does an executor actually do?

The executor is guardian of your wishes.

He or she is in charge of your property, is responsible for making sure that your debts and taxes are paid, and organizes and keeps track of your stuff so that it goes to the right beneficiaries. If you’re

married, your spouse is typically the first pick, but you’ll need to name a backup. Choose wisely: This role can be ripe for abuse. Make sure that it’s someone you trust who is competent and neutral—not someone who favors one side of the family over the other. Chose someone your age or younger (there’s a greater chance he’ll be around) and not a family member who has a lot to gain or lose. Your unbiased cousin is a safe bet, or a fiscally responsible close friend. Ask yourself: Who is reliable, is not too emotionally attached, and can get things done? You can also use a professional executor, who can be someone from a local bank or your own lawyer or accountant. Professional executors charge a fee, which varies by state; family members who act as executor are also entitled to the fee, but they typically waive it.

If I do a simple will without a lawyer, what makes it official?

Your signature and witnesses. Every state has specific witnessing requirements.

If you don’t follow them, a court will say that you have died “intestate,” which means without a will. You don’t have to file the will anywhere or even have it notarized. Just keep it in a safe place— ideally in a fireproof lockbox or cabinet— and let your executor know where it is.

What if I change my mind? Is it a big deal to change my will?

Not at all. In fact, it’s expected. But ask your lawyer in advance what the fees are to update it. With any major life event— another child, a move to another state, a divorce, a death in the family—you need to update your documents. Depending on the change, you might need to create a whole new will. Writing a new will (which should say in it that it revokes all previous wills) nullifies the old one.

What’s the danger in not having a will?

It’s not as if your children will become wards of the state and your property will be seized. But the state will appoint an administrator to distribute your stuff according to state law (broadly determining, say, that everything you have belongs to the kids and leaving it to them to decide who gets what). If your children are minors, a judge will choose a guardian for them. The real concern is that you’ll have no control over what happens, and your kids could be set up for major financial burdens (such as inheriting debt and serious tax blows).

So just do it: Any will at all is better than no will.

This Halloween get into the Chocolate, Caramel and Nougat.

G I V I N G TO C H A R I T Y

If there’s a cause you want to donate to in your will, make sure it accepts inheritance donations.

Better late than never.

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B R E AT H E

This is a three-part breath that helps you connect with your whole body, especially the belly, the ribs, and the chest. It’s easiest to do lying down, but you can do it sitting, too. Before you get started, place your hands on your belly and feel it rise and fall as you breathe naturally, then touch the sides of your ribs and notice how the rib cage expands and contracts with each breath. Next, rest your hands on your chest and feel it lift and lower with each inhale and exhale. Here comes the three-part breath: Relax your hands anywhere they’re comfortable and exhale completely. Then begin to sip in air, thinking about the belly. Inhale only about a third of the way, feeling your belly expand. Hold your breath for just a moment. Then take the next third of the breath into the ribs and pause. Finally, complete the last third of your inhale, filling up as the chest rises. Pause just long enough to enjoy the fullness of the lungs. Then let go of the breath—just relax and let it out.

When you’re naturally ready to inhale again, repeat the pattern—belly first (pause), then ribs (pause), then chest (pause), exhale. Don’t worry if you feel a little tense. It will become more comfortable the more you do it.

Try five rounds (take normal breaths in between, if that helps). When you’re finished, see if you don’t feel a bit more energized and openhearted.

BY E D WA R D J O N E S, W H E E L A N DA X L E . N E T

A R T I S T R E P I N C .C O M

Photograph by

Matt Armendariz Photography

OCTOBER 2016

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SILVER FOX NAME: Heidi Dolnick AGE: 44 OCCUPATION:

Project manager, Greenmarket Regional Grains Project “I never considered dyeing my hair— it’s not where my priorities are.

Gray hair makes me feel selfexpressive. It’s incredibly fun.”

HELMUT LANG TOP AT BLOOMINGDALE’S.

AMAZING GRAYS

MANE ATTRACTION NAME: Jody Kozlow Gardner AGE: 51 OCCUPATION:

Student in food studies master’s program at New York University “When women ask about going gray, I say, ‘Go for it.’

Commit to what you have; it was meant to be, and that’s the most flattering.”

AGNES B. TUXEDO JACKET.

DO LESS AND THIS COULD BE YOU. EIGHT WOMEN PROVE THE POWER OF THE SUPER NATURAL. Written by Heather Muir

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Photographs by Peter Hapak

WAVES OF GRAY NAME:

Pamela Wendel AGE: 32 OCCUPATION:

Pediatric anesthesiologist “People take me more seriously now that I’m gray—I’m clearly old enough to be a doctor. There are a lot of different shades in my hair. My fiancé asks me, ‘What color is your hair?’”

EILEEN FISHER TUNIC AT BLOOMINGDALE’S.

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SILVER LINING NAME: Aeriel Brown AGE: 38 OCCUPATION:

Photo editor “I like the tension between gray hair and a young face.

It distinguishes me, just like the gap in my teeth. It sounds clichéd, but when I went cold turkey and quit dyeing, I felt free.”

JENNIFER ALFANO EARRINGS AND HER OWN TOP.

ICY COOL NAME: Ty Alexander AGE: 39 OCCUPATION:

Author of Things I Wish I Knew Before My Mom Died and blogger at gorgeousingrey.com “When I was 14, I got my first gray hair and my period on the same day. I was a little traumatized, but I also felt like I had arrived. Last year, I dyed a piece blue. My hair makes me feel special— like a unicorn.”

KRIA JEWELRY NECKLACE AND HER OWN TOP.

SNOW WHITE NAME: Lari Washburn AGE: 67 OCCUPATION:

Painter, ceramicist “I had every intention of continuing to color my hair, but at 50, I realized I didn’t want to do it anymore. For me, being authentic meant going gray.

People respect it.”

RACHEL COMEY DRESS.

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SALT-ANDPEPPER NAME: Susan Eng AGE: 50 OCCUPATION:

Acupuncturist and doctor of Chinese medicine “I’m proud to have turned 50. We can age well, and that’s what I’m trying to do. I don’t think about my hair much. I accept it in the same good humor as I do the rest of myself.”

BABATON TOP AT ARITZIA AND HER OWN EARRINGS. HAIR BY MATTHEW MONZON AT JED ROOT USING SHU UEMURA. MAKEUP BY ALLIE SMITH AT SARAH LAIRD USING CHANEL LES BEIGES. FASHION STYLING BY JEN SMITH AT ELYSE CONNOLLY.

HOW TO GO GRAY Aura Friedman, a hairstylist at the Sally Hershberger Downtown salon, in New York City, shares her advice.

G R OW I T O U T To make the process less awkward, cut hair short, then bleach or color-match the ends to the roots. Or ask your colorist for demipermanent lowlights, which will soften the color differentiation at the roots and won’t create a line as it fades.

KEEP IT BRIGHT Gray hair can turn dingy from minerals present in your water.

Once a week, use a violet-tinted product,

like Davines Alchemic Shampoo Silver ($25.50, us.davines. com), which will tone down and neutralize any yellow or brassy hues. For a brightening bonus, opt for an in-salon treatment, like Redken Pre Art Treatment (prices vary, redken. com for salons), every 8 to 12 weeks to remove buildup.

KEEP IT SOFT Gray hair tends to be coarse, so use a hair oil. Pump into your palm and, starting at the ends of wet hair, work your way up to the roots.

Try Johnathan Gale Replenish Hair Oil ($58, johnathangale. com), which has avocado oil and spearmint essential oil.

SHINING ARMOR NAME:

Susan Lawrence AGE: 61 OCCUPATION:

Denim-apparel consultant “Gray hair allows me to have more free time. It means I’m an independent person.

If someone doesn’t understand that, it’s not worth trying to explain. I love when people ask, ‘Can I touch your hair?’ ”

MORE ABOUT “AMAZING GRAYS”

Find video diaries from the women featured in this story at realsimple.com/gray.

EILEEN FISHER TUNIC AT BLOOMINGDALE’S AND HER OWN SUNGLASSES.

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DARKEN YOUR

DOOR

These spellbinding Halloween decorating ideas require barely any toil or trouble.

BLEAK HOUSE Try a twisted take on flowers with a magnolia wreath and garland spray-painted black. For a lusher garland, attach black paper roses and globe ornaments with clear fishing line.

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Flip over your planters and voilà: They’re pedestals for your pumpkins.

Natural white pumpkins (or spray-painted ones) give off a ghostlike aura.

CABINET OF CURIOSITIES This graphic gallery is especially dramatic on a dark door; if you have a light-colored one, cover it with matte black tinfoil first (Rosco matte black cinefoil, $33, amazon.com). Use painter’s tape to adhere mismatched (and lightweight) black, white, and metallic frames in a haphazard array. Then fill them in with party-store oddities: masks, antlers, frog skeletons—the weirder, the better.

Written by Betsy Goldberg

Photographs by Jonny Valiant

Set Design by Jeffrey W. Miller

Set a house-of-horrors scene with an attack of faux crows (available at craft stores): Hang some with Command hooks and clear fishing line; nestle others in a grapevine wreath and a raffia-wrapped bundle of branches. To prep your door, cover it with red gift wrap, then add a crinkly layer of matte black tinfoil. Give it a few good rips for claw marks.

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PA G E S 1 5 6 A N D 1 5 8 : P U N C H D O O R M AT, $ 5 0, C B 2 .C O M . PA G E S 1 5 7 A N D 1 5 9 : J U T E H E R R I N G B O N E D O O R M AT, $ 7 8 , S H O P T E R R A I N .C O M .

HITCHCOCK THRILLER

Create an angel of death (knocking at your door): Affix feather wings to a skull with craft glue and hang it from the knocker.

A MIX OF THE MACABRE Skulls and bones scattered along the steps give the walkway a gruesome graveyard vibe.

Add chunky chains (at party stores) and overturned pumpkins and planters to evoke the creepy chaos of a ransack.

HALLOWEEN HOW-TOS

Find video instructions for all four doors at realsimple.com/door.

Sandee Herrington and Steve Volaric with their kids—Isaiah, age 3½; Sondra, 6; and Gabriel, 9—alongside the vintage camper that they use for outings (and also for just hanging out).

Written by

Sharlene Breakey

FULL HOUSE The foster-care system brought rought the HerringtonVolarics together; commitment and love made them a forever family.

Photographs by Ilona Szwarc

heard her phone ring late on a sweltering September day in 2007, but she couldn’t pick up. She was busy rallying her fourth-grade class for one last lesson. After the students left their Hamilton, New Jersey, school for home, Sandee looked at her phone and realized that the call was from Janet, the placement coordinator she and her husband, Steve Volaric, had been working with since signing up to be foster parents about a year before. New to fostering—and to parenting in general—the couple quickly discovered that they became deeply attached to the kids in their care, even though those kids had short stays. “We fell in love—we couldn’t help it,” says Sandee.

Many kids in the foster system need only temporary care, while some need permanent homes—and that status can change. Regardless, says Steve, “these are your kids to keep safe.

S

A N DE E H E R R I NGTON

It’s hard to switch gears and let them go.” After a couple of experiences with short-term placements and heartbreak, Sandee and Steve, ages 34 and 36 at the time, told Janet that they would prefer to take only kids who would most likely need adoption. They wanted to build a family.

So a call from Janet could mean only one thing: that their baby—the child they could keep and raise and love forever—could be on the way.

Says Sandee, “My heart jumped.”

Yearning to adopt Sandee’s pull toward adoption began when she was not much older than her students are now.

While other middle schoolers in her Florida hometown plastered their walls with posters of favorite

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bands, Sandee tacked up news stories about a woman who had adopted kids with disabilities from Russia. When she and Steve began talking about children, “adoption was our plan A,” she says.

The idea of foster care came later.

While Sandee was watching the TLC series Adoption Stories, an ad aired about foster kids who needed permanent homes. “We liked the idea of giving kids already here, in our neighborhood, a home,” says Steve, an acoustical consultant who works with architects on everything from hospital helipads to Broadway theaters. Says Sandee, “I called the 800 number, and in a few days an intake caseworker was sitting on our couch!”

“They handed me this swaddled peanut, and that was it.”

The couple learned that, in New Jersey, about a third of kids taken into state custody are never reunited with their families, because the parents can’t change course. For this reason, caseworkers do “parallel planning”—searching for a potential adoptive home where kids can stay even as work is done to reunify the birth family. If the court has to terminate parental rights, the foster family, ideally, is ready with a permanent home.

Sandee and Steve immediately started the process. Over the course of a couple of months, there were home visits, during which various people would pop in. “A licensor came to make sure that our paperwork was in order. Someone else pulled out a tape measure,” says Sandee.

“They also checked to make sure the house was safe and made us put locks on the basement and attic. They even checked that our pets were up on their vaccinations.” (Sandee has been fostering dogs since college, and she and Steve have taken care of at least a dozen over the years; their forever pets are Beauregard the Boston terrier, Hugo

the American bulldog, and Harry, a Jack Russell mix.) There were background checks and employment verifications and fingerprinting. Still, it was all easier than Sandee had expected: “For the first few visits, we dressed conservatively and made sure the house was perfect. But, honestly, you don’t have to be June Cleaver. They just care that you can provide a warm space where kids will be safe.”

The couple were encouraged to discuss and convey exactly what type of situation would be right for them. Many caseworkers say honesty is what makes for the most successful relationships. Sandee and Steve asked for a child under five, any race or gender; but they knew that with two full-time jobs they wouldn’t be able to meet the needs of kids with a serious disability, so they were frank about that.

Welcome, Gabriel On that September 2007 day when Sandee hit play on her voice mail, the message from Janet described a 10-month-old baby boy called Gabriel. Sandee melted when she heard his name. “That’s what makes it real,” she says. “It’s like, ‘Gabriel, hmmm, that’s my kid.’” The message included certain important information: The mother was on trial and would be unable to raise him; there were no relatives to take him in; and the current foster parent was not interested in adoption. Sandee

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and Steve had three weeks to prep.

They bought a soft rug for what would be his room. (Gabriel was already crawling.) They hung funky curtains and spelled out G-A-B-E in fabric letters on the wall. The foster system is not cut-and-dried, though, so the couple’s excitement was mitigated by fear. “We were just plain scared we’d lose him,” says Sandee.

Biological family comes first, so if the mom’s situation changed unexpectedly or placement with a relative became viable, that could alter things. Being a foster parent calls for “leaving your preconceived notions at the door,” says Sandee.

“It’s all about doing what’s best at that time for the child.”

When baby Gabriel arrived at the house, the couple’s fear was overwhelmed by love. “The caseworker handed me this adorable boy with startling blue eyes,” says Sandee.

Then she set down a few bags of clothes, a bin of toys, and a letter from the previous foster mom detailing his schedule and food preferences—and soon left. “It was surreal. We were like, ‘Where are you going?’ ” says Sandee. The official adoption took time, but Gabe was theirs from that moment on.

Welcome, Sondra As the family settled in, the caseworker would call with short-term foster placements, which Sandee and Steve declined. But when Gabe was three, they were called about a baby girl who needed a permanent home right away. They said yes.

On a chilly spring day, Steve met a caseworker at the front gate of the family’s home. She passed him a carrier with five-week-old Sondra bundled inside. He brought his new daughter into the warm house, where Sandee and Gabe were waiting. “We were just bowled over,” recalls Sandee. “From the time she was tiny, her smile was infectious.”

The Herrington-Volarics fell into a happily hectic routine. Sandee and Steve took as much time off as they could. And they worked hard to secure day-care and preschool spots. Both Gabe and Sondra learned to walk on the Persian rug that Sandee had scored on eBay. Sandee and Steve relished everyday moments—“giving the kids their baths, reading to them at bedtime, tucking them in,” says Sandee—and built a swing set in the yard. “We were just so happy to be a family,” says Steve. With two little kids, three old dogs, and a couple of demanding jobs, it was time to close their doors for a while.

Welcome, Isaiah When Gabe was 6 and Sondra 2½, the phone rang again. As with the life-altering call heralding Gabriel’s arrival five years before, Sandee couldn’t pick up. This time, though, the situation didn’t wait.

“I hear over the loudspeaker at school, ‘Ms. Herrington, please call your husband when you’ve finished your meeting,’” says Sandee. “The social worker had called Steve to say that Sondra’s biological mother had just had another baby,” a little brother to Sondra. “His name is Isaiah, he’s two days old, and did we want him?” Steve and Sandee understood the importance of keep-

ing siblings together, but that’s not the only thing that swayed them. “I was thinking, He’s a little Sondra!” says Steve. “No way could we say no to that.” It was like an unexpected pregnancy, a happy surprise to embrace.

With only hours to prepare, Sandee reached out for help. “We had just given away the baby stuff six weeks earlier,” she says. She phoned her friends and their friends, and magic happened.

“It was like, ‘Wonder-team, activate!’ ” she says.

The house filled with stacks of onesies and fleece pajamas, tiny pants and sweaters, little socks, and bottles and pacifiers. Three hours after hearing her name on the intercom, Sandee was heading home from the hospital with an infant: “They handed me this swaddled peanut,

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and that was it.” Before long, their little one, Isaiah, earned a nickname that has pretty much replaced his given name at home.

“I was watching a Chicago Bears game and realized the coach, Lovie Smith, looked like Isaiah,” says Steve. “I was like, Lovie…Lovie,” nodding first to the TV, then to his son. “He’s so sweet. It suits him.”

Love is all you need Sondra, now six and remarkably selfpossessed, joins her parents at the dining-room table and begins leafing through her “Life” book. As she points out half-siblings, aunts, uncles, and her tiniest self, it’s clear that she has perused these pages many times.

“See, she’s tall, like me,” says Sondra of her birth mom. Each HerringtonVolaric kid has at least one book documenting his or her earliest days.

All are well versed in their pasts and presents, and they have even met some biological relatives.

For anyone on the outside looking in, it’s that history that can cause concern. Sandee speaks frankly, addressing the hesitations of some regarding the foster system: “The worry is that you will get a terribly damaged kid.” And of course many foster kids will have suffered neglect, abuse, or exposure to drugs. Sandee and Steve were told that both Sondra and Lovie were exposed to drugs. “We were warned to watch for seizures in the early days,” says Sandee. “But we’ve had no problems. These two are

B U T WA I T—T H E R E ’ S M O R E …

Sandee and Steve recently learned that two older siblings of Isaiah and Sondra who had been placed with their father now need a home. The family has set up a crowdfunding site to get their place up to code so that they can be that home. To learn more or donate, visit gofundme. com/makingspace. If you want to learn about becoming a foster parent, visit childwelfare.gov or adoptUSkids.org.

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whip smart and have so much joie de vivre. Studies I’ve read show that drug exposure isn’t causing the kind of long-term delays expected.”

Gabe has learning challenges, but they have nothing to do with drugs; he was eventually diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum.

It helps that Sandee is a teacher certified in working with children who have learning differences. “We know how to help him,” she says. “That’s a powerful thing we can give our son.”

For Sandee and Steve, being able to offer that sort of guidance, structure, and support to kids who might not otherwise have gotten it is the whole point. “It’s not about money or classes or piano lessons,” says Sandee, who grew up in a family without much money but recalls her childhood as idyllic.

Joy and silliness abound at the Herrington-Volaric home, as evidenced by the parties that the family threw when each adoption was finally (finally!) official. It was two years, 10 months, and one day for Gabe (not that anyone was counting).

Sandee describes the celebration: “Back then, Gabe [ 3½ at the time] loved everything purple, pink, and sparkly, so we had a princess party.

He wore a purple tutu with an AC/ DC T-shirt.” Sondra’s party happened on a warm April day in 2011; nearly a hundred friends and family members came. “Sondra loved to throw herself on top of her big brother and pin him,” says Sandee, “so we called her our Luchadora,” which inspired a Mexican-wrestler theme (mariachi music, hotchocolate cupcakes). When it was Lovie’s turn, Sandee and Steve chose clowns and acrobats and a bouncy castle. “We really were a three-ring circus by then,” says Sandee, who sports a circus tattoo that pays tribute to the happy chaos of their life.

“We decided to lean into it.” Q

CHICKEN “UNDER A BRICK”

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SKILLET DINNERS

S I X H E A RT Y M E A L S YO U C A N M A K E — F RO M STA RT TO F I N I S H — I N O N E PA N . E V E N A L ASAGNA.

Recipes by Emily Nabors Hall Photographs by Greg DuPree Food Styling by Chelsea Zimmer Set Design by Jeffrey W. Miller Prop Styling by Claire Spollen

POLENTA BAKE WITH SHRIMP

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KALE AND GOAT CHEESE FRIT TATA

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BROCCOLINI AND OLIVE SKILLET PIZZA

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BEEF AND BEER POTPIE

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POLENTA BAKE WITH SHRIMP

BROCCOLINI AND OLIVE SKILLET PIZZA

ACTIVE TIME 30 MINUTES TOTAL TIME 30 MINUTES SERVES 4

CHICKEN “UNDER A BRICK”

ACTIVE TIME 15 MINUTES TOTAL TIME 40 MINUTES SERVES 4

2 cups whole milk 1 Tbsp. yellow cornmeal

2 cups water

12 oz. store-bought pizza dough, at room temperature

1 cup polenta ACTIVE TIME 15 MINUTES TOTAL TIME 1 HOUR, 5 MINUTES SERVES 4

1 (4- to 5-lb.) whole chicken ¼ cup extra-virgin olive oil, divided 1 tsp. ground coriander

3 oz. Parmesan cheese, grated (about ¾ cup) 2 oz. (¼ cup) melted unsalted butter, divided 1 tsp. kosher salt, divided 1 lb. peeled and deveined large raw shrimp

½ tsp. black pepper 1 tsp. kosher salt, divided 1 large red onion, cut into 12 wedges 1 large sweet potato, cut into 1-in. pieces 8 oz. baby portobello mushrooms, halved 3 garlic cloves, crushed 1 Tbsp. chopped fresh oregano oven to 400°F. Place the chicken breast-side down on a cutting board. Using a pair of heavy-duty kitchen shears, cut down both sides of the backbone to remove it. Flip the chicken so that the breast side is up; press down to flatten. Rub with 1 tablespoon of the oil and sprinkle evenly with the coriander, pepper, and ½ teaspoon of the salt. Heat 1 tablespoon of the oil in a 12-inch cast-iron skillet over medium-high. Place the chicken breast-side down in the skillet and top with a smaller heavy skillet. Cook until the skin is golden brown, about 5 minutes. Remove the smaller skillet.

Transfer the chicken to a plate.

PREHEAT

TOSS together the onion, sweet potato, mushrooms, garlic, and the remaining oil and salt. Arrange the vegetables in a single layer in the skillet. Place the chicken breast-side up on the vegetables.

Bake in oven until the chicken is cooked through and the vegetables are tender and lightly browned, about 50 minutes.

Serve sprinkled with the oregano.

1 (14.5-oz.) can diced tomatoes, drained

½ tsp. black pepper

1 cup halved cherry tomatoes (about 5 oz.) ½ tsp. paprika

KALE AND GOAT CHEESE FRITTATA ACTIVE TIME 20 MINUTES TOTAL TIME 30 MINUTES SERVES 4

1 tsp. kosher salt, divided 1 tsp. black pepper, divided 6 oz. sliced low-moisture mozzarella cheese 8 oz. fresh Broccolini, trimmed 1 Tbsp. extra-virgin olive oil

2 Tbsp. sliced scallions

1 Tbsp. extra-virgin olive oil

broiler with oven rack 6 inches from heat.

Bring the milk and water to a simmer in a 12-inch ovenproof nonstick skillet. Reduce heat to medium; whisk in the polenta and cook, whisking occasionally, until thick and creamy, about 15 minutes.

Stir in the Parmesan, pepper, 3 tablespoons of the melted butter, and ½ teaspoon of the salt.

PREHEAT

together the shrimp, tomatoes, paprika, and the remaining butter and salt. Arrange in an even layer over the polenta. Broil until the shrimp are cooked through and just beginning to brown, 3 to 4 minutes.

Top with the scallions.

1 cup chopped yellow onion (from 1 medium onion) 4 cups chopped curly kale (about 3½ oz.)

10 large eggs ½ cup whole milk 2 Tbsp. Dijon mustard 1¼ tsp. kosher salt ½ tsp. black pepper 4 oz. (1 cup) goat cheese, crumbled 1 Tbsp. fresh dill leaves

TOSS

PREHEAT oven to 400°F with the rack in the upper third of oven. Heat the oil in a 10-inch ovenproof nonstick skillet over medium-high.

Add the onion; cook, stirring often, until soft and beginning to brown, about 6 minutes.

Add the kale; cook, stirring often, until slightly softened, about 2 minutes. Reduce heat to medium.

WHISK together the eggs, milk, mustard, salt, and pepper in a large bowl; pour over the vegetables in the skillet.

Cook until the edges are just beginning to set, about 1 minute. Top evenly with the cheese.

Bake in oven until set, 15 to 20 minutes. Top with the dill.

EYE ON THE PIE

Watch a video on how to make this easy pizza at realsimple.com/skilletpizza.

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2 tsp. sliced garlic

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¼ cup pitted black olives, halved lengthwise 1 tsp. crushed red pepper PREHEAT oven to 450°F. Sprinkle the cornmeal in a 10-inch cast-iron skillet. Place the dough in the skillet; press gently to cover the bottom and 1 inch up the side. Cook over medium, 8 minutes, until the dough bubbles and the bottom begins to brown.

TOP the dough while it cooks with the tomatoes and garlic.

Sprinkle with ½ teaspoon each of the salt and pepper.

Top evenly with the mozzarella. Toss the Broccolini with the oil and the remaining salt and pepper; arrange over the mozzarella. Top with the olives.

BAKE in oven until the crust is golden and the cheese begins to brown, about 18 minutes. Let stand 5 minutes before slicing. Sprinkle with the red pepper.

BEEF AND BEER POTPIE ACTIVE TIME 1 HOUR, 5 MINUTES TOTAL TIME 1 HOUR, 20 MINUTES SERVES 4

2 Tbsp. extra-virgin olive oil 1 lb. boneless chuck roast, fat trimmed, cut into ¾-in. pieces 1 tsp. kosher salt 1 tsp. black pepper 6 Tbsp. all-purpose flour, divided 1½ cups chopped leeks (from 2 medium leeks) 1 cup chopped carrots (from 2 large carrots) 2 Tbsp. chopped fresh thyme, divided ½ cup stout beer (such as Guinness) 2½ cups beef stock 1 cup chopped butternut squash ½ (17.3-oz.) pkg. frozen puff pastry sheets, thawed

SKILLET SPINACH LASAGNA

1 large egg, lightly beaten 1 Tbsp. water

ACTIVE TIME 25 MINUTES TOTAL TIME 50 MINUTES SERVES 4

1 lb. ground mild Italian sausage 1 (28-oz.) can crushed tomatoes 1½ tsp. dried Italian seasoning 1 tsp. kosher salt, divided 1 (16-oz.) container ricotta cheese 1 large egg 8 oz. (2 cups) shredded mozzarella cheese, divided 6 oz. no-boil lasagna noodles 7 cups loosely packed baby spinach (about 5 oz.), divided 2 Tbsp. chopped fresh basil leaves

COOK the sausage, stirring often, in a 12-inch ovenproof nonstick skillet over mediumhigh until cooked through and browned, about 8 minutes. Reduce heat to medium.

Add the tomatoes, Italian seasoning, and ½ teaspoon of the salt; cook, stirring occasionally, until the sauce begins to simmer, about 4 minutes.

Meanwhile, stir together the ricotta, egg, 1 cup of the mozzarella, and the remaining salt in a medium bowl.

REMOVE the skillet from heat; set aside 3 cups of the sauce in a bowl. Preheat broiler with oven rack 6 inches from heat. Place a layer of lasagna noodles over the sauce in

the skillet, breaking the pieces to fit as necessary. Top with 1 cup of the reserved sauce, ¾ cup of the ricotta mixture, and 3 cups of the spinach.

Repeat the layers twice with the remaining noodles, sauce, ricotta mixture, and spinach, omitting the spinach from the top layer.

RETURN the skillet to heat; cover and cook over medium until the noodles are softened and the sauce begins to bubble, about 20 minutes.

Top with the remaining 1 cup of spinach; cover and cook just until the spinach wilts, about 1 minute. Uncover and top with the remaining 1 cup of mozzarella. Broil until the cheese begins to brown, 4 to 5 minutes. Sprinkle with the basil.

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PREHEAT oven to 425°F. Heat the oil in a 10-inch cast-iron skillet over mediumhigh. Toss together the beef, salt, pepper, and 2 tablespoons of the flour in a medium bowl. Add to skillet; cook, stirring often, until the pieces are browned on all sides, about 8 minutes. Add the leeks, carrots, and 1½ tablespoons of the thyme.

Cook until the vegetables begin to soften, about 4 minutes. Add the beer; cook 1 minute, stirring to loosen any browned bits from the bottom of the skillet. Whisk together the stock and the remaining flour; add to the skillet and bring to a simmer, stirring frequently. Reduce heat to medium; cook, stirring occasionally, until the beef is tender and the sauce thickens, 30 to 35 minutes, adding the squash after 15 minutes.

ROLL OUT the puff pastry gently into a 12-inch square. Place the pastry over the simmering beef mixture. Whisk together the egg and water; brush over the pastry. Cut several slits in the center of the pastry. Bake in oven until the pastry is golden brown, about 15 minutes.

Sprinkle with the remaining thyme.

PAID CON TEN T F RO M

PRODU CED BY

O-MEGA AWESOME POPPING A DAILY MULTIVITAMIN CAN BE KIND OF ONE NOTE , RIGHT? ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING THAT IMPORTANT NUTRIENTS LIKE OMEGA-3S ARE FOUND IN WHOLE FOODS LIKE SALMON, AND BOAST EYE HEALTH BENEFITS. ENTER THIS DELICIOUS DISH—SO YOU CAN BAT THOSE LASHES WITH CONFIDENCE.

JOHNNY MILLER PHOTO

ROASTED SALMON WITH CRISPY BROCCOLI AND QUINOA ACTIVE TIME: 20 MINS | TOTAL TIME: 30 MINS | SERVES 4

INGREDIENTS 1

large head broccoli (about 1 1/2 pounds) cut into small florets 3 cloves garlic, sliced 1 small red chili—halved, seeded, and thinly sliced, plus more for serving 1/4 cup canola oil 4 6-ounce skinless salmon fillets 1 cup quinoa 2 tablespoons rice vinegar 1 tablespoon soy sauce 1/4 cup roasted peanuts, roughly chopped Kosher salt, and black pepper

PREPARATION HEAT oven to 425° F with a rack positioned in the upper third. Toss the broccoli, garlic, chili, 2 tablespoons oil, 1 teaspoon salt, and 1/2 teaspoon pepper on a rimmed baking sheet.

Nestle the salmon in the broccoli and season with 1/4 teaspoon each salt and pepper. Roast, tossing the broccoli once, until the salmon is just opaque but still slightly pink in the center and the broccoli is crisp-tender, 15 to 20 minutes.

Flake the salmon into large chunks.

MEANWHILE, cook the quinoa according to package directions.

OMEGA-3 FATTY ACIDS, found in salmon, may be beneficial for those with Chronic Dry Eye.

WHISK the vinegar, soy sauce, and the remaining 2 tablespoons of oil in a small bowl.

SERVE the salmon and broccoli over the quinoa, topped with the peanuts and the soy-vinegar sauce.

Feel the love at myeyelove.com.

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Don’t let your dry eye symptoms interrupt the things you love to do.

Eyelove is not letting dry, itchy, gritty eyes or occasional blurry vision get in your way. And it’s talking to your eye doctor, because it could be Chronic Dry Eye. The things you do every day, like taking pictures, driving, or reading, can be affected by Chronic Dry Eye. And it may get worse over time. If you think your eyes are feeling different than they should, it’s important to find out what’s really going on with them.

Chat with your eye doctor and feel the love at myeyelove.com ©2016 Shire US Inc., Lexington, MA 02421. 1-800-828-2088. All rights reserved. S14947 07/16 Marks designated ® and ™ are owned by Shire or an affiliated company

CAN YOUR FAVORITES

TASTE JUST

AS GREAT MADE WITH

TURKEY? BURGERS TACOS CHILI MEATBALLS

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TRY THEM AT HOME AND FIND OUT.

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Quick Cooking 172, 179, 182, 186, 190 Healthy Pick 172, 179, 182, 186, 190, 194 Freezable 172, 173, 180, 194 Make Ahead 172, 173, 180, 184, 190, 194 Big Batch 190, 194 One Pot 172, 173, 179, 180, 190 Whole-Grain 190 Vegetarian 172, 186, 190 Gluten-Free 172, 179, 186, 190

H OT TO U C H Don’t throw away all the seeds when chopping a chile pepper. Save some in the refrigerator for up to a week, then sprinkle a few into salsa or a margarita for a pop of heat.

P R O P S T Y L I N G BY C L A I R E S P O L L E N

→

PRET T Y R AD Watermelon radishes (solid pale green on the outside) have a slightly peppery taste and add crunch to the Chicken and Avocado Rice Bowl (page 179).

2 TIMES: HOW MUCH MORE FIBER AN AVOCADO HAS THAN A BANANA, WHEN COMPARED OUNCE TO OUNCE.

DAILY TASTE

Go to realsimple. com/dailyrecipe to have new favorite recipes delivered to your in-box every day.

Photographs by Greg DuPree Food Styling by Chelsea Zimmer

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BbQ flavor SO RICH and SMOKY you can almost HEAR IT SIZzLE. All trademarks are owned by Frito-Lay North America, Inc. ©2016

E A SY D I N N E R

1 Chicken and avocado rice bowl ACTIVE TIME 25 MINUTES

TOTAL TIME 25 MINUTES

Quick Cooking Healthy Pick Freezable Make Ahead Big Batch Slow Cooker One Pot Whole-Grain Vegetarian Gluten-Free

SERVES 4

4 (4-oz.) chicken breast cutlets 1 tsp. kosher salt, divided ½ tsp. black pepper, divided 1½ Tbsp. extra-virgin olive oil 2 cups yellow onion, sliced 1 Tbsp. water 4 cups cooked white rice 2 ripe avocados, sliced ½ cup watermelon radishes, sliced FO OD

4 tsp. fresh lemon juice Sliced scallions, hot sauce, and lemon wedges, for serving SPRINKLE the cutlets evenly with ½ teaspoon of the salt and ¼ teaspoon of the pepper. Heat the oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high. Add the cutlets and cook until cooked through, about 3 minutes per side.

REMOVE the cutlets and place on a cutting board; cover with aluminum foil to keep warm. Add the onion and water to the skillet and cook, stirring often, until the onion is soft and beginning to brown, 8 to 10 minutes.

SHRED the cutlets. Place 1 cup of the rice in each bowl. Divide the chicken, onion, avocados, radishes, lemon juice, and the remaining salt and pepper among the bowls. Sprinkle with scallions and serve with hot sauce and lemon wedges.

Recipes by Emily Nabors Hall

D I N N E R M A D E E A SY Get this recipe delivered to your door by our partner FreshRealm!

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Quick Cooking Healthy Pick Freezable Make Ahead Big Batch Slow Cooker One Pot Whole-Grain Vegetarian Gluten-Free

E A SY D I N N E R

2 Sausage, lentil, and kale soup ACTIVE TIME 15 MINUTES

TOTAL TIME 40 MINUTES

SERVES 4

1 lb. sweet Italian sausage, casings removed 1 cup chopped onion 2 garlic cloves, chopped 4 cups chicken stock 2 cups dried red lentils, rinsed FO OD

1 (28-oz.) can whole peeled tomatoes, drained 1 tsp. kosher salt ½ tsp. black pepper 5 cups loosely packed baby kale leaves Baguette, for serving COOK the sausage in a Dutch oven over medium-high, stirring often, until the meat crumbles and begins to brown, about 4 minutes. Add the onion and garlic and cook until the onion softens and the sausage is browned all over, about 4 more minutes.

ADD the stock, stirring and scraping to loosen any browned bits from the bottom of the Dutch oven. Add the lentils, tomatoes, salt, and pepper and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to medium-low and simmer until the lentils have softened, 20 to 25 minutes.

STIR in the kale and cook, stirring constantly, until softened, about 1 minute.

Serve with the baguette.

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INTRODUCING

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E A SY D I N N E R

3 Miso black bass with Asian slaw ACTIVE TIME 15 MINUTES

TOTAL TIME 20 MINUTES

SERVES 4

¼ cup white miso (found in the refrigerated section in most grocery stores) ¼ cup rice vinegar, divided ¼ cup canola oil, divided

FO OD

4 (6 oz.) boneless, skin-on black bass fillets 1 Tbsp. soy sauce 1 Tbsp. fresh lime juice ½ tsp. kosher salt 1 head red cabbage, thinly sliced 1 red bell pepper, sliced 1 serrano or jalapeño chile, seeds removed, sliced ¼ cup chopped, roasted, salted peanuts Lime wedges, for serving PREHEAT broiler with a rack 6 inches from heat. Whisk together the miso and 2 tablespoons each of the vinegar and oil in a small bowl. Place the fish on a lightly greased rimmed baking sheet. Rub all the sides with the miso mixture; set aside.

WHISK together the soy sauce, lime juice, salt, and the remaining 2 tablespoons each of vinegar and oil in a large bowl. Add the cabbage, bell pepper, and chile and toss to coat. Let stand until ready to serve.

NUTRITION

Get details on fat, calories, and sodium at realsimple. com/rsrecipes.

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BROIL the fish, skin-side down, until cooked through and beginning to brown, 5 to 6 minutes. Sprinkle the peanuts over the slaw. Serve the fish with the slaw and lime wedges.

TO S T I R- F RY THINGS UP

BECAUSE I S AY P OTATO

TO E AT

W H Y I C O O K®

BETTER

TO S T E A L THE SHOW

TO G E T AWAY

TO E X P LO R E M Y R O OT S

TO M A K E M O M’S R E C I P E

BECAUSE I T ’ S CO O K I N G W E AT H E R

MY WAY

THE BEST INGREDIENTS MAKE THE BEST DIS

.

No preservatives, nothing artificial, just bold chicken flavor.

Learn. Share. Inspire. #WhyICook © 2016 CSC Brands, LP

Quick Cooking Healthy Pick Freezable Make Ahead Big Batch Slow Cooker One Pot Whole-Grain Vegetarian Gluten-Free

E A SY D I N N E R

4 Beef Stroganoff over egg noodles ACTIVE TIME 25 MINUTES

TOTAL TIME 40 MINUTES

SERVES 4

1 lb. boneless top sirloin steak, cut into 1-in. pieces ¾ tsp. kosher salt ¾ tsp. black pepper 1 tsp. smoked paprika ¼ cup all-purpose flour, divided 2 Tbsp. canola oil 1 cup chopped yellow onion 2 cups beef stock FO OD

12 oz. uncooked egg noodles 1 medium tomato, chopped ½ cup plain whole-milk yogurt Fresh flat-leaf parsley, for serving SPRINKLE the beef with the salt, pepper, paprika, and 2 tablespoons of the flour in a large bowl and toss to coat. Heat the oil in a large, deep skillet over medium-high.

Add the beef and cook, stirring occasionally, until browned on all sides, about 8 minutes. Remove the beef from the skillet and set aside.

ADD the onion to the skillet and cook, stirring often, until beginning to brown and tender, 4 to 5 minutes. Whisk together the stock and the remaining 2 tablespoons of flour. Add the stock mixture to the onion, stirring and scraping to loosen any browned bits from the bottom of the skillet. Bring to a simmer; reduce heat to medium and cook, stirring occasionally, until the sauce has thickened and reduced slightly, about 15 minutes.

Meanwhile, cook the noodles according to the package directions.

D I N N E R M A D E E A SY Get this recipe delivered to your door with our partner FreshRealm! Go to freshrealm.co/rs12 and enter RS35OCT16 to get $35 off orders of $70, now until November 30.

STIR the beef and tomato into the sauce and cook until heated through, 3 to 5 minutes. Remove from heat and stir in the yogurt. Stir in the drained noodles and garnish with parsley.

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“It’s cool the label says, ‘100% Premium Pork.

Naturally Smoked. No Fillers.’

And I can look at it in the store and say to myself, ‘I made that!’ ”

© 2016 Johnsonville Sausage, LLC. Learn more about our family-owned company at Johnsonville.com.

Quick Cooking Healthy Pick Freezable Make Ahead Big Batch Slow Cooker One Pot Whole-Grain Vegetarian Gluten-Free

E A SY D I N N E R

5 Zucchini and black bean stuffed sweet potatoes ACTIVE TIME 20 MINUTES

TOTAL TIME 20 MINUTES

SERVES 4

4 medium sweet potatoes (about 8 oz. each) 1 Tbsp. extra-virgin olive oil 1 medium zucchini (about 6 oz.), chopped 1 cup sliced yellow onion ¼ tsp. cayenne pepper FO OD

1 (15-oz.) can black beans, drained and rinsed 1 tsp. kosher salt ½ tsp. black pepper 2 oz. white Cheddar cheese, shredded (about ½ cup) Sour cream, cilantro, lime wedges, and green salad, for serving PRICK the sweet potatoes all over with a fork and place in a microwave-safe dish.

Microwave on high until cooked through, about 12 minutes.

MEANWHILE, heat the oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high. Add the zucchini, onion, and cayenne and cook until tender and beginning to brown, 5 to 7 minutes. Stir in the beans, salt, and black pepper and cook just until the beans are warm, about 2 minutes.

SPLIT the sweet potatoes and loosen the insides with a fork. Divide the bean mixture, cheese, sour cream, and cilantro among the halves. Serve with lime wedges and green salad.

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Homework in backpack, backpack on kid, kid on bus.

Gold star.

A NEW CO OKBO OK F RO M RE AL SIMPLE

YOUR FAVORITE INGREDIENTS, DELICIOUSLY REIMAGINED

10 inventive recipes for every family staple, from apples to zucchini AVA I L A B L E W H E R E V E R B O O K S A R E S O L D ©2 0 1 6 T I M E I N C . B O O KS . R E A L S I M P L E I S A R EG I ST E R E D T R A D E M A R K O F T I M E I N C . A L L R I G H T S R E S E R V E D.

W H Y N OT T RY… ?

Written by Heath Goldman Recipes by Paige Grandjean Photographs by Greg DuPree Food Styling by Erin Merhar

Brush off Unlike other mushrooms, which grow in soil, shiitakes grow on logs and are much cleaner. To prep, quickly wipe them with a dry paper towel and remove their tough stems.

P R O P S T Y L I N G BY C L A I R E S P O L L E N

FO OD

Sure, he’s a fungi.

But the real reason the mushroom is invited to the party is because that unmistakable umami flavor makes everything taste more interesting. Shiitakes especially: High levels of the amino acid glutamate give them a potent, meaty, smoky vibe. Try them dried into “salt” for popcorn.

(How fun is that?)

Just add water It’s fine to substitute dried shiitakes for the fresh variety. In fact, the dried ones deliver a richer, more intense flavor. To rehydrate, soak in boiling water (removed from heat) for 30 minutes. Pat dry and use as you would fresh.

Don’t toss the soaking water: It makes a delicious base for soups!

SHIITAKE MUSHROOMS

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1

2

3

Duxelles deviled eggs

Shiitake beef tacos

Stir together 2 Tbsp. LIGHT BROWN SUGAR, ½ Tbsp. CHILI POWDER, 1 tsp. each GROUND CUMIN and KOSHER SALT, and ¼ tsp. CAYENNE PEPPER. Toss together 7 oz. halved SHIITAKE MUSHROOM CAPS, 2 Tbsp. EXTRA-VIRGIN OLIVE OIL, and the brown sugar mixture.

Spread evenly on a parchment-lined baking sheet. Bake at 325°F until browned, about 40 minutes. Serve in a COBB SALAD. SERVES 4

Heat 1 Tbsp. UNSALTED BUTTER in a small skillet over medium. Add 3 oz. diced SHIITAKE MUSHROOM CAPS and 1 Tbsp. chopped SHALLOT; cook until tender, about 6 minutes. Cut 6 peeled HARDBOILED EGGS in half. Transfer yolks to a bowl; mash with 3 Tbsp. MAYONNAISE, 1½ tsp. DIJON MUSTARD, and ¼ tsp. KOSHER SALT. Fold in the cooled mushrooms.

Spoon the filling into the egg halves.

Garnish with FRESH HERBS. SERVES 6

Combine 1 cup CORN KERNELS, ¼ cup each chopped POBLANO CHILES and sliced RADISHES, and 1 Tbsp. FRESH LIME JUICE. Cook 1 lb. GROUND ROUND BEEF over medium-high until browned, about 5 minutes. Add 6 oz. sliced SHIITAKE MUSHROOM CAPS; cook until tender, about 5 minutes. Top 8 FLOUR TORTILLAS with the beef mixture, corn mixture, FRESH CILANTRO LEAVES, and HOT SAUCE. SERVES 4

5

6

FO OD

Shiitake bacon

4 Shiitake carbonara

Shiitake Parmesan salt

Shiitake udon soup

Cook 4 oz. diced PANCETTA in a large skillet over medium until browned, about 4 minutes. Add 7 oz. sliced SHIITAKE MUSHROOM CAPS and 2 Tbsp. sliced GARLIC; cook until tender, about 6 minutes.

Combine ¾ cup grated PECORINO CHEESE, 3 LARGE EGG YOLKS, and 1 LARGE EGG; toss with 12 oz. hot cooked SPAGHETTI and 3 Tbsp. of its cooking liquid. Stir in the mushroom mixture. Top with chopped

Bake 3 oz. sliced SHIITAKE MUSHROOM CAPS on a parchment-lined baking sheet at 250°F until brittle, about 1½ hours.

Pulse the mushrooms, ¼ cup KOSHER SALT, 2 Tbsp. grated PARMESAN CHEESE, and 1 tsp. chopped FRESH ROSEMARY in a food processor until finely ground, about 1 minute. Sprinkle on BUTTERED

Cook 14 oz. sliced SHIITAKE MUSHROOM CAPS in 1 Tbsp. SESAME OIL over mediumhigh in a Dutch oven until tender, about 6 minutes. Add 8 cups CHICKEN BROTH, 3 Tbsp. WHITE MISO, and ½ Tbsp. chopped FRESH GINGER; simmer 15 minutes. Add 6 oz. UDON NOODLES and 8 oz. quartered BABY BOK CHOY; cook until tender, about 3 minutes. Garnish with slices of

POPCORN. MAKES ABOUT ½ CUP

SCALLION GREENS, SOFT-BOILED EGGS,

and RED FRESNO CHILE. SERVES 4

FRESH FLAT-LEAF PARSLEY. SERVES 4

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WEEKNIGHT MEAL PLANNER

Dinner? Done.

TUESDAY

MONDAY

WE

DNESDAY

TH U

RSDAY

FRIDAY

Recipes, shopping lists, and guidance on preparation—everything you need to save time and fuss while eating healthy—delivered weekly, right to your inbox.

WWW.REALSIMPLE.COM / MEALPLANNER

ROA D T E ST

1

SKILLETS The kind of heavy metal that everyone appreciates— especially when they ey tturn u out your favorite po ork chops or soft scrambled eggs.

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1 BEST NONSTICK

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2 CAST IRON

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Lodge 12-Inch Seasoned Cast Iron Skillet This utilitarian workhorse comes preseasoned and slick, practically nonstick. But it will still give chicken a golden, crispy crust. No hot spots mean even browning.

3

3 ENAME E LED CA CAST ST IRO IRON N

Le Creusse sett 11¾11¾-Inc Inch h Signaturre Sk killet llet Skill It cooks llik ke cast b t like cast ir iron, on, bu but the black k en ename amell finis finish h never need b sea ds to be sea-soned and washed nd ca can n be be wash w ashed ed with soap. This pan seared food quickly over high heat. (The glossy finish on some contenders cracked above medium.)

4 STAINLESS STEEL

Mauviel M’cook Stainless Steel 11.8-Inch Round Frying Pan Many competitors had flimsy walls that burned food. This one (dishwasher safe!) is made from five layers of stainless steel and heated up quickly and evenly.

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Go to realsimple. com/skillets for all of the info you need to season a cast-iron skillet.

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FO OD

Cuisinart Chef’s Classic 12-Inch Nonstick Hard Anodized Skillet This champ’s anodized exterior is dense, nonporous, and harder than stainless steel. (Anodization is a process that makes it extra durable.)

Metal spatulas didn’t scratch it; eggs and fish slid off with no added oil.

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OCTOBER 2016

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B I G B ATC H

Roasted pumpkin soup with harissa and chickpeas ACTIVE TIME 20 MINUTES

TOTAL TIME 40 MINUTES

SERVES 8

1 3-lb. sugar pumpkin or kabocha squash, peeled, seeded, and cut into 1-in. pieces 5 Tbsp. extra-virgin olive oil, divided 1½ tsp. kosher salt, divided 1¼ tsp. black pepper, divided 3 shallots, peeled and chopped 3 garlic cloves, peeled and thinly sliced 2½ tsp. ground cumin

FO OD

¼ tsp. ground cardamom 2½ Tbsp. harissa paste 6 cups low-sodium chicken broth 2 15.5-oz. cans chickpeas, rinsed

PREHEAT oven to 400°F. On 2 rimmed baking sheets, toss the pumpkin with 3 tablespoons oil, ½ teaspoon salt, and ¼ teaspoon pepper. Roast, tossing once, until tender, 20 to 25 minutes.

CHOP, CHOP!

Turn to page 196 for three tricks to make peeling pumpkins and other winter squash faster and easier.

HOW TO FREEZE AND REHEAT Place a gallon-size freezer bag in a medium bowl and cuff it over the bowl’s edge. Fill the bag halfway with soup; squeeze out the air and seal. Repeat with the remaining soup. Freeze the bags in a single layer, then stack in the freezer (a great space saver) for up to 3 months. Thaw in the refrigerator overnight or in warm water for 10 minutes.

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MEANWHILE, heat the remaining 2 tablespoons of oil in a large pot over low heat. Add the shallots and cook, stirring occasionally, until soft and caramelized, about 5 minutes. Add the garlic, cumin, cardamom, and the remaining salt and pepper. Cook for 2 minutes.

ADD the harissa, broth, and chickpeas.

Bring to a boil; reduce heat to medium and simmer for 5 minutes. Remove from heat and stir in the pumpkin. Serve topped with yogurt and cilantro.

Recipe by Heath Goldman Photograph by Christopher Testani Food Styling by Chris Lanier

P R O P S T Y L I N G BY C A R L A G O N Z A L E Z- H A R T; I L L U S T R AT I O N BY M E L N D A J O S I E

Greek yogurt and chopped cilantro leaves, for serving

K I TC H E N S K I L L S

Things Cooks Know Simplifying strategies, techniques, and tips— from the Real Simple test kitchen to yours

SKILLETS 101 A quick guide to picking the right pan for the job. Want to know Real Simple’s favorite brands? See our skillet Road Test (page 193).

C A ST I RO N

STA I N L E SS ST E E L

N O N ST I C K

Iron, which heats slowly but evenly and stays scorching hot.

Stainless steel, an alloy that doesn’t chip, rust, or react with food. It heats up moderately, quickly, and evenly.

Aluminum, which heats up and cools down quickly, coated in several layers of a nonstick polymer known as PTFE (which is less toxic than Teflon).

U N B E ATA B L E AT

M A D E F RO M

T YPE

By the end of the cooking time, it’s full of starch, a key component to a thick, glossy sauce. Starch also helps sauce cling to the noodles—that’s why you don’t rinse the pasta before you sauce it. Make it a habit to scoop out about ¼ cup of water before draining. (Yes, you might pour it all down the sink a few times at first.) Stir some of that water into your sauce before tossing with the pasta. It acts like a gentle thickener and helps the sauce coat the pasta more evenly.

Searing a nice crust on meats, such as chops and steak.

(Not good for acidic foods, like tomato sauce, as the iron reacts, imparting a metallic flavor.)

Everyday cooking: stir-fries, all sorts of vegetables and sauces, and meat (if you don’t own cast iron). Stainless steel will create a decent crust, too.

Cooking fragile foods, such as eggs, fish fillets, breaded cutlets, pancakes, and crepes.

CLEANING TIP

FO OD

Why you shouldn’t toss pasta water

Detergents strip the seasoning. Instead, wipe clean or scrub with hot water. For stuck-on bits, rub with ½ cup kosher salt, then rinse.

For burned stains, boil 2 cups water and 1 tablespoon distilled white vinegar in the pan for 20 minutes, then scrub.

Scrub with a plastic brush, which won’t scratch. Before cooking, rub ½ teaspoon oil inside to safeguard the nonstick surface.

S LO P E D V S. ST R A I G H T S LO P E D SIDES

Encourage evaporation and browning.

Best for searing and sautéing.

ST R A I G H T SIDES

Trap moisture.

Best for slower cooking, like braising.

HOT ’N’ HEAVY

Go to realsimple.com/castiron for eight delicious recipe ideas.

1

2 H AC K S F O R P E E L I N G W I N T E R S Q UA S H O R P U M P K I N S Removing the tough skin from a roly-poly squash—or, in the case of our Roasted Pumpkin Soup with Harissa and Chickpeas recipe (page 194), two—can be a time commitment. These tricks help whittle the task down to less than five minutes.

2

USE THE MICROWAVE

USE A CHEF’S KNIFE

Poke the squash or pumpkin all over with the tines of a fork, place it in a microwave-safe dish, and microwave on high for 3 minutes. Use a paring knife or Y-shaped peeler to remove the skin. It will practically fall off in large strips.

Cut off the squash’s top and bottom. (For a butternut squash, cut the base and neck apart and tackle each separately.) Stand upright and, working from top to bottom, cut off the skin in strips with the knife, following the shape of the squash. You may take off a bit more flesh than with a peeler, but the knife is much faster.

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Written by

Heath Goldman Illustrations by

Melinda Josie

(E A SY) P OLENTA M A ST E R C L A SS You don’t have to stir it constantly. (Yesss!) And if you use these tips, it’s hard to mess up. Enjoy your creamy masterpiece in Polenta Bake with Shrimp (page 172).

The corn Cornmeal is marketed under many names, including polenta, yellow corn grits, and masa harina. Any variety will do, as long as it says “medium ground” or “coarse ground” on the label. Skip “instant” or “quick-cooking,” which yield bland results.

The process STEP 1 Add the polenta to boiling water in a slow, steady stream, whisking as you go. This step is important. (Dump it all in at once and you’ll get a lumpy mixture that’s hard to fix.)

STEP 2 Whisk the polenta until it starts to thicken and spit (bubbles gently popping on the surface), then reduce heat to low.

STEP 3 Now you can walk away and whisk the polenta every 5 minutes or so. You just want to make sure that it doesn’t crust on the bottom and sides of the pan and that a skin doesn’t form on top. Stirring a skin into the pot creates lumps.

If one develops, skim it off.

STEP 4 The polenta is finished after about 15 minutes—it will be thick and creamy. You can keep cooking it on low for longer (even 15 minutes more) for a deeper corn flavor. Finish with a pat of butter, if desired.

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