Throw Gama from the Train! Lyric Book

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LYRICS



Improbable Missions Force

Major-General Stanley Tucci-Fili Natasha Stroganoff Mrs. Steel, of Her Majesty’s Secret Service

The Re-formed Savoyards Company Music Director Stage Manager Costumer Harry Persiflage, leading baritone Robert Sideshow, his understudy RSC Chorus

The French Connection Mme Yvette Yvage Mlle Michelle-Mabelle

Three Middle-Aged Renegades Violet Tendencee Fleta Scene Hannah Kerchief

Trebechnyans

Buzzy, the Heir Presumptive Terrance Tara, a police officer The Grand Inquisitor / Conductor / Waiter


“The late Duke Alex, wise and grand” Song for STANLEY, NATASHA & MRS. STEEL From: “Our great Mikado, virtuous man" (The Mikado) New lyrics by Jonathan Spencer STANLEY

NATASHA & MRS STEEL

NATASHA

The late Duke Alex, wise and grand, In far Trebechnya ruled a land Where girl and boy, And hoi polloi, Were very rarely troubled. For he decreed that his domain Should value every person’s brain, And though some thought his plan insane, Their knowledge daily doubled, It doubled, it doubled, Their knowledge daily doubled. As time went on his legend grew, But now he’s gone, alas, adieu! He had no son, So who’s the one To claim the throne without a coup? He had no son, So who’s the one To claim the ducal throne without a coup? Who claims the throne without a coup? Ah! Does anybody have a clue? By chance, there is a distant heir, At school in Barataria fair, And we suspect He’ll need protect-ion on his expedition. By train he travels in disguise, Across the Balkans lies his prize, But woe betide us if he dies – To guard him is your mission, Your mission, your mission, But there’s more exposition! To prove his claim, there is a test This nervous lad might be distressed, So there’s a quiz, He’s not a whiz, You’ll help the heir to do his best!


STANLEY & MRS STEEL

STANLEY

NATASHA & MRS STEEL

ALL

So there’s a quiz, He’s not a whiz, You’ll/I’ll help the ducal heir to do his best. This anxious lad is most distressed! You/I must work with him to pass the test! Now why, you ask, do we fixate About this tiny duchy’s fate? This land remote, Can cast a vote … And rivals want to hex it. The Union had the Duke’s support, But factions in the royal court, That crucial vote they wish to thwart -They’re calling it “Trebexit” “Trebexit,” “Trebexit,” They’re heading for the exit. So guard the heir, just get him to The summit at the UUU … (awkward pause) … U! There’s grave concern, At ev’ry turn, And you must get him safely through! There’s grave concern, At ev’ry turn! But how will I/you escort him safely through? But oh, this song Has gone too long — It will self-destruct and now — we’re through!


“The mission’s on, should you accept” Song for STANLEY, NATASHA & MRS. STEEL From: “Away, away! My heart’s on fire” (The Pirates of Penzance) New lyrics by Jonathan Spencer STANLEY

The mission’s on, should you accept; The Union vote is at a crucial phase, At espionage, you’re most adept. (distracted) Oh, look! A fine Risotto Milanese!

MRS STEEL

The mission’s on! I’ll take the job; I must confess the task has great appeal. Who will protect this royal nob? A spy with leather boots and nerves of steel.

STANLEY

The track is fraught With fear at ev’ry turn; Here’s food for thought – There’s danger stem to stern. No one to trust, There’s foes in ev’ry guise; But go you must Aboard a train of spies!

VANNA & MRS STEEL

Yes, yes, aboard a train of spies!

ALL

Yes, yes, aboard a train of spies!

VANNA

Tonight you’re off!

STANLEY

Yes, you’re leaving the station.

MRS STEEL

That noble toff.

VANNA

You shall be his salvation!

STANLEY

You’ll face his foes,

VANNA

Rest assured there are plenty.

MRS STEEL

And if they oppose?

STANLEY

You shall eat them al dente!


ALL

Tonight you’re off, And you’re leaving the station. That noble toff. You/I shall be his salvation! You’ll/I’ll face his foes, Rest assured there are plenty. If they oppose, You/I shall eat them al dente! The mission’s clear, you’re on your way! It’s all aboard the train of spies! You’re on your way! Tonight, tonight, tonight Aboard the train of spies! Away!


“Now the train has left the station” Song for CHORUS From: “Pour, oh pour the pirate sherry” (Pirates of Penzance) New lyrics by Sonia Gariaeff CHORUS

Now the train has left the station And we’re headed on the way! Going to a coronation What a festive holiday!

SOLO

What a splendid opportunity, To perform on foreign land, And to show utopian unity From our merry little band!

CHORUS

We’re delighted And excited! To a palace we’re invited!

SOLO

For upon this troupe of players A great honor’s been bestowed! Royal G and S purveyors, Taking Ida on the road!

CHORUS

On a mission! Expedition! Put on a show for a patrician! Making operetta his’try Rataplan! and Hip Hurrah! Trav’ling to a land of mys’try Onward to Trebechnya!


“When I feel down” Duet for HARRY & ROBERT From: “Whene’er I spoke sarcastic joke” (Princess Ida) New lyrics by Mike Dederian HARRY

When I feel down, King Gama’s crown Will cause my frown to mellow That jolly soul’s my fav’rite role -He’s such a wholesome fellow! His boundless glee, his bonhomie, The heart that underscores him -He’s much like me; it’s plain to see Why ev’ryone adores him! Ah! Just put that crown upon my head And Gama will appear in my stead; Then all of the world will flock to see That huggable, lovable King and me!

CHORUS

Then all of the world will flock to see That huggable, lovable King and he!

ROBERT

It grinds my gears when Harry, here, Plays Gama imperfectly; His act’s jejune, yet all of them swoon And fawn o’er him abjectly! You cannot fit a rapier wit To such a fumbling fencer! His barbs must sting! His zingers, ring! Make Gama Mean Again, sir! Oh! Put that crown, just once, on me, I’ll show the world who Gama should be! We’ll give you sharp, and we’ll give you wry, That cantankerous, rancorous King and I!

CHORUS

Then all of the world will flock to see That huggable, lovable Harry P!


“Now wouldn’t you like to take a nap?” Duet for MICHELLE & YVETTE From: “Now wouldn’t you like to rule the roast" (Princess Ida) New lyrics by Sonia Garaieff MICHELLE

Now wouldn’t you like to take a nap? I know you don’t like traveling.

YVETTE

Oh, quel dommage! Mauvais voyage! A nightmare from the start.

MICHELLE

May I get a blanket for your lap? (I’m mentally unraveling!)

YVETTE

I must opine, we’ve been in decline Since the days of Bonaparte.

BOTH

Alors! It’s so annoying, Mais c’est la vie. I’m really fed up With reality! Maybe someday I will get my way And live life in comfort And luxury!

YVETTE

Her obeisance is overkill, It shows our rank disparities.

MICHELLE

To social climb, I’ll bide my time And never disagree.

YVETTE

Perhaps I should just “changez le will” And give to canine charities?

MICHELLE

Must not upset “Marie Antoinette,” Or she’ll disinherit me.

BOTH

Mon dieu! Just like a puppy, Kept on a leash. If you’re a good dogYou’ll be nouveau riche! Nothing is free For the bourgeoisie. We’re stuck with each other -That lady! Oh!


“Too middle aged for school are we” Song for VIOLET, FLETA & HANNAH From: “Three Little Maids” (The Mikado) New lyrics by Sonia Gariaeff ALL

Too middle aged for school are we Joyful in our delinquency Over the hill and running free Too middle aged for school

VIOLET

I’m hormonal and full of rage

FLETA

I’m way too hot to be stuck in a cage

HANNAH

Life’s just begun when you reach middle age

ALL

Too middle aged for school Too middle aged to be corrected We only want to be respected Not going to do as we’re directed Too middle aged for school Too middle aged for school

VIOLET

You’d think that we were the devil’s spawn

FLETA

Not going to keep calm and carry on

HANNAH

Yell at the kids to get off my lawn

ALL

Too middle aged for school

VIOLET

We don’t want to follow rules or laws

FLETA

We’re celebrating our faux pas

ALL

Our super power is menopause Too middle aged for school Too middle aged for school Like a volcano that’s erupted We have already been corrupted Don’t want to be girl, interrupted Too middle aged for school Too middle aged for school


“I never expected to be” Song for BUZZY (The heir) From: “My boy, you may take it from me” (Rudygore) New lyrics by Mike Dederian I never expected to be The heir to the Grand Ducal throne Of course, as a cousin, I knew that I was in The line, but I wasn’t alone! There were several prior to me -A dozen near cousins, at least -But in the last year, ev’ry one disappeared, Disenfranchised, or even deceased! I was happily taking my ease By the Mediterranean seas But the family tree has been pruned to just me And now I’ve got a nation to please! Now take Katerina, for one: She’s the sister Alexei adored, She’d be a Grand Duchess, but no -- inasmuch as She got herself gored with a sword Then, of course, there was Aaron, her son -Loved to ride, and to hunt in the glen, Ventured out on a shoot, but went missing en route And they never heard from him again I was happily taking my ease... Cousins Anders and Willem were twins But as different as night is from day It’s curious how that old man-eating cow Got them both in the very same way Little Mimsy, their nearest of kins, Too distraught for the funeral repast Someone managed to feed her charred coal and saltpeter She ended up having a blast! I was happily taking my ease...


“You must persist” Solo for MRS STEEL From: “Were I thy bride” (The Yeoman of the Guard) New lyrics by Jonathan Spencer You must persist, The dread you must resist, Your nerves untwist And brush off your malaise. You must persist! This ritual test, Is nothing to get stressed About -- its best If you repeat this phrase: “I must persist!” In my career, I’ve had to persevere For men don’t cheer When women join their game. But I persist! I’m quite the spy -Stole secrets from Versaille, Knife on my thigh, But still I’m “just that dame.” So I persist! (Aside) My mission’s plain, His trust I have to gain, For in his brain The ritual’s secrets dwell. I must persist! This anxious lad, He’s really not that bad, It makes me sad, The lies I have to tell. Yet I persist! (To Buzzy) You must avow, It’s Buzzy’s buzzer now, You’ll show them how Just like your great forebear. He would persist! I’m on your side, In me you can confide, Now we’re allied The ritual you can share. And we’ll persist!


“I am so flattered by your praise” Brief solo for HARRY with VIOLET, FLETA, and HANNAH From: “I am the monarch of the sea" (Princess Ida) New lyrics by Kelly Powers HARRY

I am so flattered by your praise, This humble heart it does amaze, My dear little darlings, I’m so chuffed you’re fans!

FLETA

Yes we are his zealots and his groupies and his fans!

VIOLET & HANNAH

Yes we are his zealots and his groupies and his fans!

ALL THREE LADIES

Yes we are his zealots and his groupies and his fans! His zealots and his groupies -He’s so fit we’ve got the loopies! We’re his fans!

“Well, I’m a very hardy fellow” Quintet for TERRENCE, HARRY, VIOLET, FLETA & HANNAH From: “You’re a pretty kind of fella” (The Grand Duke) New lyrics by Kelly Powers TERRANCE

HARRY, VIOLET, FLETA & HANNAH TERRANCE

Well, I’m a very hardy fellow; never have been fitter, O! To handle criminals and crooks, and every dodgy critter, O! But you’re a different cup of tea, that turns me ‘to a spitter, O! And nips my head up in a vice – I’ve quite the noggin-splitter, O! Headsplitter O! Headsplitter O! It’s quite the noggin-splitter, O! Headsplitter O! Headsplitter O! It’s quite the noggin-splitter, O! But when compared with other pains You’ve caused that made me jitter, O! This flibberty jibberty Insensitivity Hardly makes me bitter, O!


HARRY, VIOLET, FLETA & HANNAH

TERRANCE

HARRY, VIOLET, FLETA & HANNAH TERRANCE

HARRY, VIOLET, FLETA & HANNAH

TERRANCE

HARRY, VIOLET, FLETA & HANNAH TERRANCE

HARRY, VIOLET, FLETA & HANNAH

But when compared with other pains You’ve/We’ve caused that made him jitter, O! This flibberty jibberty Insensitivity Hardly makes him bitter, O! My duty here - my solemn oath - to act as your remitter, O! You regularly try to foil, and when you fail, you chitter, O! While minting crocodile tears much like a counterfeiter, O! Then toddle ‘round and run away, out of my grasp you skitter, O! You/we skitter, O! You/we skitter, O! Out of his grasp You/we skitter, O! You/we skitter, O! You/we skitter, O! Out of his grasp You/we skitter, O! But even this, compared to tricks That set my eyes aglitter, O! This flibberty jibberty Insensitivity Hardly makes me bitter, O! But even this, compared to tricks That set his eyes aglitter, O! This flibberty jibberty Insensitivity Hardly makes him bitter, O! You wacky, tacky witches, three, you harpies all a-twitter, O! You bully and disparage me, my precious time you fritter, O! And on my honor and my rank you carelessly do litter, O! I am a Sergeant of Police – I’m not a baby-sitter, O! A sitter, O! A sitter, O! He’s not a baby-sitter, O! A sitter, O! A sitter, O! He’s not a baby-sitter, O! Because of you, though I resist, I may turn out a quitter, O! This flibberty jibberty Insensitivity ‘S left me very bitter, O! Because of you/us, though he resists, He may turn out a quitter, O! This flibberty jibberty Insensitivity ‘S left him very bitter, O!


“There’s no shadow of a doubt” Duet for MICHELLE-MABELLE and ROBERT From: “Hereupon we’re both agreed” (The Yeoman of the Guard) New lyrics by Jonathan Spencer MICHELLE & ROBERT

There’s no shadow of a doubt, ‘Bout what we two Do agree to As a pair, we are devout, We’ll be glorious, Not notorious.

MICHELLE

On my aunt you’ll make a call, Poor patrician, No suspicion;

ROBERT

See that Harry takes a fall, Bye-bye Gama, No more drama.

MICHELLE Bye-bye Gama! Bye-bye Gama!

ROBERT No more drama! No more drama!

BOTH

Bye-bye Gama! (Touch of trauma) No more drama!

BOTH

Strangers we upon a train, Burdened each by ball and chain, Lady he vanishes, Actor she banishes, Just two innocents on a train!

MICHELLE & ROBERT

In a frenzy we’ll be left, Looking madly, While we sadly Tell a tale how we’re bereft, It takes acting, Most exacting.


MICHELLE

What if I get vertigo? Room is spinning, Not so winning.

ROBERT

I’m a man who’s in the know, They’ll never Guess it ever!

MICHELLE They’ll never

ROBERT

They’ll never

Guess it ever! Guess it ever!

BOTH

They’ll never Guess it ever! Never, never!

BOTH

Strangers we upon a train, Burdened each by ball and chain, Lady he vanishes, Actor she banishes, Just two innocents on a train!

MICHELLE So long, ball and chain! Is this plan insane? BOTH

ROBERT Strangers on a train! Strangers on a train! We are strangers on a train, On a train, on a train, What a solution! Just two strangers on a train!


“Unhand us, you malicious brute!” Quartet for VIOLET, FLETA, HANNAH and TERRANCE From: “So please you sir, we much regret” (The Mikado) New lyrics by Kelly Powers VIOLET, FLETA & HANNAH

Unhand us, you malicious brute! Good lord, you’re such a big galoot. This trio, capable and spry, Will have you hogtied by and by!

VIOLET

We three, of course, don’t find this fun, So pardon us So pardon us

FLEETA

And don’t you dare, oh pushy one, Be hard on us Be hard on us If we’re inclined to cut and run Fa la la la la la… etc.

TERRANCE

This stupid caper you’ll regret I do not make an idle threat! I’ll drag you to the magistrate; No coddling school will be your fate! The stuff you kooks consider “fun”, Is hard on me, Is hard on me, (If only I could reach my gun --) So pardon me, So pardon me, If I don’t let you cut and run. Fa la la la la la… etc.


“Somebody save me a window seat” CHORUS From: “Strephon’s a member of parliament” (Iolanthe) New lyrics by Mike Dederian WOMEN

Somebody save me a window seat! Do it now, for ev’ryone will Rush, as one, the view to meet When the express comes out of the tunnel Leafy trees aglow, like forges! Early in autumn, the Gorge is gorgeous! Rivers shimmer, silver and blues! Soon we’ll see the beautiful views! Beautiful views! Beautiful views! Beautiful views! Beautiful views! Soon we’ll see the beautiful, beautiful views!

MEN

Somebody save me a window seat! Sparkling snows in mountain passes Birds a-tweet and sheep a-bleat Grazing on the greenest of grasses Beams of sunlight will bombard ya Over the towers of Old Jeopardia ‘Round us we’ll see Arcadia spread Once we’re through the tunnel ahead! Tunnel ahead! Tunnel ahead! Tunnel ahead! Tunnel ahead! Once we’re through the tunnel, the tunnel ahead!

ALL

Somebody save me a window seat! We’re about to cross the border -Rush, as one, the view to meet! ‘Round us will Arcadia spread; ‘Round us will Arcadia spread, Once we’re through the tunnel ahead!


“Into the tunnel we go” FIRST ACT FINALE Sorcerer Act I finale, then segue to Yeomen Act 1 finale New lyrics by Barbara Heroux

(Sorcerer) RSC CHORUS

MRS STEEL recit (aside)

Into the tunnel we go -It will be dark as the night! I don’t know why, but I know Somehow we’ll lose the daylight. What can we do to have fun? What can we do in the dark? Tell me that I am the one And maybe we’ll court and we’ll spark. Tell me that I am the one And maybe we’ll court and we’ll spark. We’ll lose all the light, Be as dark as the night, We’ll court and we’ll spark And have fun in the dark. We’ll court and we’ll spark And have fun in the dark When we lose the daylight. Oh! We’ll court and we’ll spark in the dark! What’s going on? They hired me to guide him, But really, they themselves would take the crown! Buzzy’s at risk! I think I’d better hide him I’ve got to get him out of here, and now!

HARRY

Soon comes the big day! One I’ll remember forever! One grand matinee, My biggest audience ever! I’ll do what I know, Generate lots of encore-ing -One fabulous show, Thousands of people adoring!

ROBERT (aside)

He’s too stupid to know He’s mediocre and boring!


RSC CHORUS

SAJAK & VANNA (aside)

Harry’s the best that we know At getting a big Standing O Oho! Oho! A standing ovation, oho! We are so close! I know we can win it! We’ve got the notes So let’s begin it. If Buzzy should die In half an hour, Then you and I Will be in pow’r! Then you and I Will be in pow’r! We’ll be in pow’r!

BUZZY

Soon comes the big day! One I’ll remember forever! I’ll know what to say; I’ll be correct, quick and clever.

MRS STEEL

Yes, yes! You’re prepared! Best to be rested and ready -No need to be scared Let’s get you into your beddy.

BUZZY

I’m strong as a bear! (after a snooze with my teddy).

CHORUS

Ooh! It’s time to go to The very best place for a view Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo! The very best place for a view!


(Yeomen) ALL

The splendour falls on castle walls And snowy summits old in story; The long light shakes across the lakes The waterfalls cascade in glory. Oh, beauty! Oh, beauty!

COSTUMER

Oh, lord! Oh, lord! Can this be a mirage? Oh, say a prayer! Our star is missing – Harry Persiflage – HE IS NOT THERE!

CHORUS

He is not there? Our Harry Persiflage – He is not there?

COSTUMER

He said he’d meet me over here To re-adjust the Gama crown; The lights went out, he disappeared And now he’s nowhere to be found!

COSTUMER & STAGE MANAGER

We hunted high

MUSIC DIRECTOR

We hunted low

COSTUMER & STAGE MANAGER

We hunted here

MUSIC DIRECTOR

We hunted there

COST, STG MGR & MUS DIR

SAJAK: (aside to VANNA)

The man we sought with anxious care Had vanished into empty air The man we sought with anxious care Had vanished into empty air He’s gone! Nice work! Let’s shift the blame-What have you done! Oh shame, oh shame!

STEEL

Come on! Why d’you pretend alarm? It’s YOU who wish poor Buzzy harm!

VANNA

Poor Buzzy’s dead, I weep and wail!

SAJAK

What have you done! Oh shame, oh shame!

VANNA

I hope you rot away in jail!


STEEL

It’s you – you two who wish him harm!

VIOLET

They’re all befuddled and perplexed; Do you think anyone suspects?

HANNAH

Just keep it calm, don’t break a sweat Nobody thinks we are a threat.

MICHELLE

Leave me alone and go away! I wish we’d never met today!

VIOLET, FLETA & HANNAH

Just keep it calm, don’t break a sweat - Nobody thinks we are a threat.

ROBERT

I have to know! I’m half insane! Have you completed our campaign? Did you throw Gama from the train? Did you throw Gama from the train? When he is here, I’m second-tier; If he is gone, Then I go on! Did you throw Gama from the train? Did you throw Gama from the train? I keep repeating this refrain, Soon ev’ry body will complain, So is it done?

CHORUS

All Frenzy’d, Spellbound, mystified and fraught, Notorious Suspicion reigns Some Psycho’s put them in the Fam’ly Plot It’s for The Birds! So Rich and Strange! Search first and second class and all the rest; We must find out what’s going on! Search south and east, and North by Northwest; For Buzzy’s gone, and Harry’s gone, For Buzzy’s gone The Trouble with Harry is – he’s gone. For Buzzy’s gone And Harry’s gone Oh, no, did someone go, Go out the Rear Window? What’s going on? Two guys are gone! They’re gone!


“The coast is clear” Trio and Solos for VIOLETTA, FLETA, and HANNAH From: “Tis twelve I think” (Sorcerer) New lyrics by Kelly Powers ALL

The coast… is clear, Now we had better check That Harry dear Is not a nervous wreck. Oh, shocking news, To learn such danger pressed, As bile did ooze, Within his rival’s breast!

HANNAH

I say, it’s awfully hot in here!

VIOLET

And, hey, where is our Harry dear?

FLETA

I wonder who that dame could be, Who meant to murder Mr. P? A lover jilted carelessly? A stalker of celebrity? Some black sheep in his family, Who suffered lack of TLC?

VIOLET

What sort of gal would wish to harm, Someone who sings so fetchingly?

HANNAH

Someone who sings so fetchingly!

FLETA

Perhaps it’s just a miscommunication?

VIOLET

Well, she showed a certain hesitation, But there was definite collaboration As you’d expect of felons of their station.

ALL

Yes! There was some definite collaboration As you’d expect of felons of their station.

HANNAH

But hush – we’d better keep it low – He’s still not safe – There’s still Sideshow! I think it’s time we found our man; Let stealth, our ally, shield us while it can!


“Qu’est-ce que s’est-il passée” Duet for MADAME YVETTE and TERRANCE From: “Things are seldom what they seem” (HMS Pinafore) New lyrics by M Jane Erwin VERSE 1

MADAME

Qu’est-ce que s’est-il passée? O ma tête, s’est-elle cassée?

TERRANCE

What has happened, oh my head Well at least I’m not yet dead!

MADAME

Au secours! Au secours!

TERRANCE

What was that? Another yelp? Someone else cries out for help!

MADAME

Je ne sais pas ou je suis, Il fait noir, j’ai peur ici!

TERRANCE

Her fears I’ll quench! I speak French! Madame, bid all fear adieu, Once I’m free, I’ll rescue you!

MADAME

’Urry, please, dépêchez-vous! Ou sommes-nous, Monsieur? Ou? Ou?

TERRANCE

Where we are? Baggage car!

MADAME

‘Ow did I get in this steamer?

TERRANCE

Supple lady! Agile lady!

MADAME

Could it be my niece, ze schemer?

TERRANCE

That sounds shady, Rather shady!

BOTH

Deeds nefarious we’re observing, Circumstances all unnerving, Of this plot we’re undeserving!

MADAME

Should we shout?

TERRANCE

No, I’m out!


VERSE 2

TERRANCE

Now to free you I can start,

MADAME

Oh mon Dieu, my beating heart!

TERRANCE

Now just how to get in there...

MADAME

Sacre bleu, I need some air!

TERRANCE

Here’s some lead Watch your head!

MADAME

Oh, Monsieur, so brave, so clever! I am in your debt forever!

TERRANCE

No, Madame, the pleasure’s mine Grace and courage live to shine!

MADAME

What a hunk!

TERRANCE

What a trunk!

MADAME

Oh, Monsieur your strong right arm May I hold to keep from harm?

TERRANCE

I am at the service, ma’am Of your beauty and your charm!

MADAME

Merci, bien!

TERRANCE

C’est rien!

MADAME

Does he like Guerlain, I’ll try some!

TERRANCE

I am smitten, I am smitten.

MADAME

Ooh, I see it’s time to buy some!

TERRANCE

Oh my kitten, Little kitten.

BOTH

Here inside the baggage car, he/she Lights my fire, he/she is my star, ETernally devoted are we!

TERRANCE

Not too late!

MADAME

It is Fate!

TERRANCE Here inside the baggage car, she Lights my fire, she is my star, ETernally devoted are we! BOTH

Not too late, It is Fate!

MADAME He is smitten, he is smitten! It is written, it is written, I’m his kitten!


“When he went missing, I confess” Quartet for COSTUMER, MUSIC DIRECTOR, STAGE MANAGER, and BUZZY From: “Tho p’r’aps I may incur your blame” (Iolanthe) New lyrics by Mike Dederian COSTUMER

When he went missing, I confess I panicked; but, I’m just a nut! The show goes on!

MUSIC DIRECTOR

I also felt that same distress; Like, that was it; but, silly twit! The show goes on!

STAGE MANAGER

I didn’t dare my thoughts express: “That’s it, we’re dead!” But now, instead, The show goes on! The show goes on!

ALL

Oh many’s the time we’ve/they’ve called upon That adage: the show, it must go on! But no one says how the hell it will Without a star to head the bill!

BUZZY

But haven’t you a substitute who goes on…?

ALL

Not one who’s in that echelon! But you Are back with us/them; The show goes on!


“The train rolls on apace” Solo for MICHELLE From: “The hours creep on apace” (Pinafore) New lyrics by Kelly Powers This train rolls on apace, My guilty tongue seems frozen! Oh, that I might retrace, This path so coldly chosen! If silent I remain, it will be damning Yet do I dare to speak words self-condemning?

And on the other, a dank and dismal sty, In some foul keep with rats (their eyes so beady!), Where jailors snarl, and faultless convicts cry -Their crime is stealing bread for children needy. With one torn prison suit to hide your bruises, And rations withheld as the warden chooses!

On the one hand, my aunt’s sublime chateaux, Rimmed by enchanting gardens and deep bowers, Fine wines, pâtisseries, and rich gâteaux, Chic lady’s maids, attending at all hours, Sweet alabaster clocks, voluptuous velvet chaises, And all the styles that start haute couture crazes!

“Mon Dieu, he’s here” Solo for MICHELLE From: “The hours creep on apace” (Pinafore) New lyrics by Kelly Powers Mon Dieu, he’s here, alone, and in my sway! What should I do? Dare I “put him away”? I’m not a killer, sacre bleu! But what else can I do? That twisted actor holds the cards; He threatens the blackmail! He certainly will call the guards; They’ll drag me off to jail, Big burly guards, then off to jail!

Oh, c'est la guerre! I need a weapon! Pray, What can I do to put poor Harry, poor Harry away? Bath of lye? How macabre! Candelabra? Quill in eye? Say, Poison an old cabernet? A petite pistol, or a big ashtray? Perhaps a razor, for a real close shave? What can I do to put poor Harry away, Harry away? I must put Harry, poor Harry, away!


“The wheel of fortune swiftly turns” Duet for SAJAK AND VANNA From: “So go to him and say to him” (Patience) New lyrics by Jonathan Spencer VERSE 1

VANNA

The wheel of fortune swiftly turns, We’re at the whim of destiny –

SAJAK

Say “Boo” to fate! “Adieu” to fate! That’s what I’d like to say!

VANNA

I’m usually good with puzzles but There’s no good rhyme for “destiny” --

SAJAK

Say “Ciao” to fate! Bam! Pow! to fate! That’s what I’d like to say!

VANNA

I’m used to wealth and comfort and the priv’lege of prosperity, But if our scheme should founder then we’re sure to face austerity, So when the spinning stops, will it be royalty or charity?

SAJAK

Say “Bye” to fate! “Nice try” to fate! That’s what I’d like to say! Say “Bye” to fate! “Nice try” to fate! That’s what I’d like to say!

VANNA

Say “Boo” to fate -- “Adieu” to fate! Say Ciao to fate! -- Bam! Pow! to fate! Say “Bye” to fate! “Nice try” to fate! That’s all that we can say! That’s all that we can say!

SAJAK

Boo! Adieu! Shoo! Go to! Ciao! Bam! Pow! Now! That’s all that we can say!


VERSE 2

SAJAK

If Buzzy’s still alive we’ll have to get to the Inquisitor.

VANNA

Say “Boo” to fate! “Adieu” to fate! That’s what I’d like to say!

SAJAK

So let that wheel spin, we’ll just persuade that noble visitor.

VANNA

Say “Ciao” to fate! Bam! Pow! to fate! That’s what I’d like to say!

SAJAK

Our ancestry is solid and each claim will have validity, So let the “better man” prevail, we can’t afford timidity, You’re on your own, sis – I’m the one! I’m fond of my liquidity.

VANNA

Say “Bye” to fate! “Nice try” to fate! That’s what I’d like to say! Say “Bye” to fate! “Nice try” to fate! That’s what I’d like to say!

SAJAK

Say “Boo” to fate -- “Adieu” to fate! Say Ciao to fate! -- Bam! Pow! to fate! Say “Bye” to fate! “Nice try” to fate! That’s all that we can say! That’s all that we can say!

VANNA

Boo! Adieu! Shoo! Go to! Ciao! Bam! Pow! Now! That’s all that we can say!


“Say! This isn’t like our Harry / Here’s an unknown physiognomy” Sing for RSC COSTUMER and ENSEMBLE From: “Stay! We must not lose our senses / Here’s a first-rate opportunity” (Pirates) New lyrics by Mike Dederian COSTUMER

Say! This isn’t like our Harry, Taciturn instead of merry, Sluggish, thick, and dull! P’r’aps the crown needs alteration -Does it pinch the circulation In poor Harry’s skull?

ALL

No, this isn’t like our Harry, Taciturn instead of merry, Sluggish, thick, and dull! This impeded cogitation From improper coronation; Get it off his --

WOMEN My God! My God!

MEN Who dis? Who dis? That’s Harry’s hat, but not his phiz!

MEN

Here’s an unknown physiognomy Where we ought to see our bon ami! In the place of camaraderie, We are faced with this façaderie! This is not our jolly patter-man; Am I madder than a hatter, man?! It will cost ten years of therapy Seeing this fellow instead of Harry P!

WOMEN

At this foreign physiognomy There’s a feeling woebegone o’ me! Where I sought some camaraderie I see naught but flagrant fraudery! Would this fake replace our patter-man? I demand to see the latter man! I will need ten years of therapy Seeing this fellow instead of Harry P!

ALL

I will need ten years of therapy For the shock of losing Harry P For the shock of, the shock of, the shock of losing Harry P -Shock therapy!


“Oh false one! You vile imposter!” Duet for MRS STEEL and ROBERT From: “Oh false one! You have deceived me!” (Pirates) New lyrics by Kelly Powers MRS STEEL ROBERT

Oh false one! You vile impostor! I’m an impostor? Me? Impostor? (spoken) I don’t even know her!

MRS STEEL The heir is gone, and you’re to blame! Confess to me your evil game! I find you lying in his bed; You wear his crown upon your head!

Bastard, bastard! Do not peeve me! Tell me what you know! Bastard, bastard! Bastard, bastard! Bastard, bastard! Do not peeve me!

ROBERT What “heir”? Do you mean Harry? Has he been harmed? How scary! That’s right! Asleep, unwary! Now, how did that get there? ...eeee!... Crazy woman, you aggrieve me! Calm down, let me go! Crazy woman! Crazy woman! Crazy woman, you aggrieve me!

Tell me what you know!

Calm down, let me go!

Bastard, bastard! Do not peeve me!

Crazy woman, you aggrieve me!

Tell me what you know!

Calm down, let me go!


MRS STEEL My inquiries dissecting, Oh, do not be deflecting! When a girl has questions You stop talking, I can see Your silence sure to bring her Wrapped ‘round your little finger Wouldn’t you agree? Do you think that’s me? Flex your little pinky Ooh, it’s kind of kinky Manly hands and muteness Bring the ladies to their knees Yet you will not lack words When I impress it backwards Forty-nine degrees! Forty-nine degrees!

Bastard, bastard, do not peeve me! Tell me what you know!

ROBERT ‘Round my little pinky? Gosh, that’s kind of kinky Clearly we have some chemistry Can we start over, please? Since you find me charming And you are quite disarming Forty-nine degrees! Crazy woman, please believe me And please let me go! Crazy woman please believe me And please let me go!


“Then hail, Grand Duke/So now entertainers” SECOND ACT FINALE From: “Then hail, oh King/Once more gondolieri” (The Gondoliers) New lyrics by Barbara Heroux Then hail, Grand Duke, as we see you crowned, And your place in history at last you’ve found. A new day dawns, as we turn the page, And virtue triumphs on and off the stage! So now entertainers And royal retainers And spies and complainers Contented can be Ah … The end of our story: For some, it brings glory, While others are sorry As sorry can be Ah … So goodbye to grousing, complaining and lying; It’s knowledge and truth that we treasure. So, Treason, adieu, no more skulking or spying Let’s feel only feelings of pleasure! So now entertainers And royal retainers And spies and complainers Contented can be Ah … Ah …


So now, Entertainers, and retainers, no complainers – Contented are we! So goodbye to grousing, complaining and lying; It’s knowledge and truth that we treasure. So, Treason, adieu, no more skulking or spying Let’s feel only feelings of pleasure! Just feelings of pleasure! Qualifying Unifying Rectifying Testifying Applying Denying Tieing Buying Flying Undying Trying Relying Measure treasure leisure We’ve come to the end of this marvelous journey, We’ve reached the Trebechnyan nation. (A couple of folks here could use an attorney) The train’s pulling into the station.


“Champagne’s delicious bubbles” THE GALA 2021 CAST From Die Fledermaus (“Champagne’s delicious bubbles”) New lyrics by Jonathan Spencer MRS STEEL

Champagne’s delicious bubbles Tra la la la la la la la Scatter all our troubles, Tra la la la la la la la Our ride was really thrilling, The mystery was chilling, In Jeopardy delighting, We found it most exciting!

MICHELLE

Now here’s the quiz: We’ve got a small obsession, It lifts you from depression -And answer with a question!

ALL

A toast, a toast, a toast …

MRS STEEL

This fine libation’s all the rage, Round the globe, on our stage, Golden and gaily sparkling, Your thirst it will assuage!

ALL

This fine libation’s all the rage – right on our stage! Golden and gaily sparkling, What is Champagne the great?



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