Pride & Pre-Existing Conditions Lyric Book

PRESENTS

LYRICS Pride & Pre-Existing

Conditions or

Holy Forking Murgatroyd, It’s the 2020 Gala!

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2020 at 3PM PST

e a n o s r e P s i t a Dram ACT 1 The Marvelous Mrs. Murgatroyd Jackie Rodney Bob Margaret “Madge” Murgatroyd Despard Murgatroyd Susie Carte Allen the Poet Policemen Lenny Wilde Abe Rose TV Announcer Art Sullivan TV Stage Manager Audience

ACT 2 Pride & Pre-Existing Conditions Elizabeth Bennet Emma Woodhouse Mr. Bingley Mr. Darcy Jane Bennet Mrs. Bennet Mr. Bennet Caroline Bingley Mr. Wickham

ACT 3

The Good Plot Michael Rose Maybud Lady Blanche Wilfred Shadbolt Frederic Janet(s) G&S Chorus

ACT

The Mar velous

1

Mrs. Murgat

royd

1

“I am a stand-up, glib and gaudy” JACKIE, RODNEY, & BOB From Princess Ida (“I am a maiden, cold and stately”) New lyrics by Jonathan Spencer JACKIE

I am a stand-up, glib and gaudy.

Tasteless I, with a style sublime.

Quick with a gag either old or bawdy, “Where ya from?” I’ll learn in time.

Face it pals, I’m in my prime! My prime!

STAND-UP TRIO

Hecklers, rim shots, smoke, and booze, Come for a laugh? We’re sure to amuse!

Don’t mind the insults, we’re just here to schmooze.

Give us a mic and we’ll cure your blues!

RODNEY

I am a stand-up, sad and soulful.

Is this thing on? I hear you breathing.

Henpecked, ignored, I’m rather doleful, Nobody gives me no respect!

Nobody gives me no respect! Respect!

STAND-UP TRIO

Hecklers, rim shots, smoke, and booze, Come for a laugh? We’re sure to amuse!

Don’t mind the insults, we’re just here to schmooze.

Give us a mic and we’ll cure your blues!

BOB

I am a stand-up, wry and quiet.

Button-down mind, people thought me odd.

Came to the club, it was a riot, Picked up this phone, I thought I’d try it: Now I’m the act they all applaud!

STAND-UP TRIO

Hecklers, rim shots, smoke, and booze, Come for a laugh? We’re sure to amuse!

Don’t mind the insults, we’re just here to schmooze.

Give us a mic and we’ll cure your blues!

Punchlines, pratfalls, tapping our shoes, Little care we – just paying our dues.

Got no respect, what’s left to lose?

Give us a mic and we’ll cure your blues!

2

“If you give me your attention, I will tell you who’s on first” DESPARD From Princess Ida (“If you give me your attention …”)

New lyrics by Jonathan Spencer DESPARD

If you give me your attention, I will tell you who’s on first: And the fellow who’s on second, well...

Your sides are going to burst.

I’ve got a few impressions, Hope you recognize the sound, “For my name is Capt. Spaulding, And for Africa I’m bound!”

I just flew in from Vegas and My arms are quite fatigued; Now take my wife ... please!

I can see you’re all intrigued; To all my fellow stooges, I’m perfecting my routine; Tho’ I nearly poked my eye out, Did I misconstrue the scene?

Oh, I don’t know why!

I don’t know...

STAND-UP TRIO: (spoken)

Third Base!

DESPARD

… why!

3

“If you give me your attention, I will tell you ’bout my life” MADGE From Princess Ida (“If you give me your attention …”)

New lyrics by Jonathan Spencer MADGE

If you give me your attention, I will tell you ’bout my life; Now I’ve had a few MartinisI’m not a fifties wife.

I’m over-educated, ’Cause my parents always said, That a man will want advising – Boy, they nailed that on the head!

My hubby has a habit That is really pretty rare; I’d check the Brooklyn Bridge tonight To see if it’s still there!

There’s more about my mother, Not forgetting dear old dad – I tell some truth they cannot hear, They label me as “mad”!

And they wonder why!

I see your questioning faces As you huddle in the dark; You’re used to seeing “madness” Running nude in Central Park.

I’ve a bachelor’s from Vassar And a master’s from Bryn Mawr, And I know from real madness – Charlotte Brontë knew the score!

Society has trapped me In a post-Victorian cage, And I plan to make a breakout, Maybe on this very stage!

They want me in my shoes and stockings, Standing by the sea; I say just strip the whole thing off And paddle mad and free!

And I’ll tell them why!

I’ll tell them why!

4

“In a club in Manhattan where I used to dwell” LENNY WILDE From The Mikado (“On a tree by a river a little tom-tit”) New lyrics by Jonathan Spencer LENNY

In a club in Manhattan where I used to dwell, ’Cause it’s jazzy and smokey and clammy; The crowd was all hipsters – I thought, “What the hell!”

This wasn’t old folks from Miami.

Though a joke can be rigid, it’s poetry too, And there’s music that’s found in a language that’s blue, With a song in my heart, I bid caution adieu, And said "Damme,” yes “Damme,” yes “Damme.”

Now I feel just as sure as the “e” in my name (Tho’ it’s sure to dismay my old grammy), This “Wilde” won’t earn plaudits or worldwide acclaim, Like Frankie and Dino and Sammy; For ’tis known there are seven words you cannot say, But there’s wisdom that’s vulgar, and jokes pave the way, So, it seems I’ll be keeping the censors at bay, Saying "Damme,” yes “Damme,” yes “Damme.”

5

“My daughter in the slammer— I demand an explanation!”

ABE & ROSE From Iolanthe (“To say she is his mother is an utter bit of folly!”)

New lyrics by Sonia Gariaeff ABE

My daughter in the slammer – I demand an explanation!

Oy vey! Your husband is a putz!

ROSE

Your father’s so upset he has to take his medication!

ABE

Hypertension! Hypertension! Oy! Yoy! Yay!

ROSE

I knew from the beginning when you married one another – Oh, where did I go wrong? This didn’t happen with your brother!

ABE

It only serves you right, you should have listened to your mother!

ROSE

Drink a little, Drink a little, Oy! Yoy! Yay! Arrested for indecency, whatever were you thinking?

Oy vey! Your husband is a yutz!

ABE

You smell like a distillery, my god, have you been drinking?

ROSE

Bad example, bad example! Oy! Yoy! Yay! It must be from your father’s side, my family’s not unstable!

ABE

I think you made her crazy with the way that you enable!

BOTH

And what’s the point of living, now that brunch is off the table?!

Onion bagels! Onion bagels! Oy! Yoy! Yay!

6

“Now, wouldn’t you like to be a star?”

SUSIE CARTE & MADGE From Princess Ida (“Now wouldn’t you like to rule the roast?”)

New lyrics by Sonia Gariaeff SUSIE

Now, wouldn’t you like to be a star and overcome adversity?

MADGE

I must decline and toe the line – what will the neighbors think?

SUSIE

And nobody does your repertoire, we need some more diversity!

MADGE

I hesitate – It wouldn’t be great to go back to “the clink”!

BOTH

Hey, hey...

Be an empowered woman, rise up, lean in!

Make trouble, disrupt! Let your/my new life begin.

Turning the page, you/I should be center stage.

And break the glass ceiling ... on screen and radio.

MADGE

I must agree, it’s time for me to shed my old mentality!

SUSIE

I knew you would! (Hot damn, I’m good!) Let’s come up with a plan!

MADGE

A chance to change! So, I’ll rearrange my dream into reality!

SUSIE

You’ve joined the cause! Let’s go burn some bras! And stick it to the man!

BOTH

OK! Bucking convention, we’ll do it well!

Let’s tear the system up and go raise some hell!

Breaking the mold, making comedy gold!

And smash that glass ceiling on screen and radio!

7

“Here’s a whoop-de-do!”

MADGE & ENSEMBLE From The Mikado (“Here’s a how-de-do!”)

New lyrics by Jonathan Spencer MADGE

Here’s a whoop-de-do! ’Bout his family, too!

Victims of some evil magic, Trapped in paintings, geez it’s tragic, Talking all night through.

Daily déjà vu!

There’s a whoop-de-doo!

Want a big guffaw?

Bunk with ma and pa!

I go in the lavatory, Dad’s there in his morning glory, Standing in the raw!

Not to hem and haw, There’s a big guffaw!

Here’s a thought to weigh – Comedy today!

Caesar, Kovacs, Newhart, Allen, Male hormones by the gallon – I’ve got this to say: Aren’t they a cliché?

There’s a thought to weigh!

ENSEMBLE

With a passion that’s intense They worship and adore; Making jokes at our expense, And yet they cry for more!

If she keeps holding true, Our lives could run askew!

Here’s a pretty big guffaw!

Here’s a pretty whoop-de-do!

Here’s a pretty big guffaw! A pretty big guffaw!

Here’s a whoop-de-do!

If she keeps on holding true, Our lives could really run askew, Here’s a pretty big guffaw!

Here’s a pretty whoop-de-do!

8

“Art Sullivan! Art Sullivan!

(Onward Sunday Evening)” JACKIE, RODNEY & BOB From Bye-Bye Birdie (“Ed Sullivan! Ed Sullivan! (Hymn to Sunday Evening)") New lyrics by Jonathan Spencer JACKIE, RODNEY & BOB

Art Sullivan! Art Sullivan!

She’s gonna be on Art Sullivan!

How could any comic be Quite as overhyped as she?

He will orchestrate and control her fate, Art Sullivan!

9

“Oh, marvelous feeling of fortune and fame” MADGE, SUSIE & ENSEMBLE From Ruddygore (“Oh, happy the lily when kissed by the bee”) New lyrics by Sonia Gariaeff MADGE & SUSIE

Oh, marvelous feeling of fortune and fame!

Why bother concealing my/her wonderful name?

This moment revealing I’ve/she’s nothing to fear!

Mad Margaret is rising! An era comprising All women surprising! A new day is here!

ENSEMBLE

Oh, marvelous madness! A star on TV! His baronet badness no longer shall be!

One singular gladness from friendship sublime!

Our happiest ending is when we’re contending With females ascending ahead of their time!

ACT

2

s n o i t i d n o C g n i t s i x E e r P & e d i Pr

10

“A man who would woo a fair maid” BINGLEY, JANE & ELIZABETH From The Yeomen of the Guard (“A man who would woo a fair maid”) New lyrics by M Jane Erwin BINGLEY

A man who would woo a fair maid, Needs naught of the medical trade.

Prey don’t fetch a doctor to mix or concoct Or compound in the way of first aid.

He should study the ways of her heart, And miss her, indeed, when apart.

And lose, for a while, himself in her smile, Darcy, what about love, for a start?

What about love, for a start?

ALL

It is purely a matter of pride, If desires of the heart be denied, To favor the purse should the health become worse Of the one whom you want by your side, Of the one you want e’er by your side.

JANE

Constitutionally we are blessed With good spirits, good health and the rest.

To no more than a snifflle – Disease, but a pifflle, We Bennet girls all can attest.

What we prize is a deeper regard, By mistrusting or doubting unmarred.

A connection that’s rare, and then handled with care, An affection that’s won, sometimes hard.

Affection that’s won, sometimes hard.

ALL

It is purely a matter of pride, If desires of the heart be denied, To favor the purse should the health become worse Of the one whom you want by your side, Of the one you want e’er by your side.

ELIZABETH

Mr. Bingley, we must overrule These assertions absurd, and yes, cruel!

Though I rise to defend, Better yet, let your friend save his breath for his porridge to cool!

I do fear that he lies wide awake When a sweetheart develops toothache, Though we love to instruct, he’s inclined to conduct Your affairs as if his were at stake!

Could it be his are at stake?

ALL

It is purely a matter of pride, If desires of the heart be denied, To favor the purse should the health become worse Of the one whom you want by your side, Of the one you want e’er by your side.

11

“Mr. Wickham is tormented” EMMA, MRS. BENNET, ELIZABETH, JANE & MR. BENNET From Patience (“If Saphir I choose to marry”) New lyrics by M Jane Erwin EMMA

Mr. Wickham is tormented by a fall so steep and far, To a trade he has consented! Is it not a bit bizarre?

Sadly, not unprecedented in a man so popular. ’Til his fortunes are augmented, let us pity from afar.

MRS. BENNET

Sadly, not unprecedented in a man so popular. ’Til his fortunes are augmented, let us pity from afar.

ALL

’Til his fortunes are augmented, let us pity from afar.

Sadly, not unprecedented in a man so popular, Etc.

ELIZABETH

Mr. Wickham’s case is curious and I fear irregular, Is such treatment not injurious if we pity from afar?

MRS. BENNET

If a man becomes penurious (poor, in the vernacular), If his means are not luxurious we should pity from afar.

ALL

If his means are not luxurious, we should pity from afar.

If a man becomes penurious, Etc.

JANE

Should his circumstances worsen, could we not, from where we are Show him charity in person, not just pity from afar?

MR. BENNET

Though a man’s affairs may worsen, still, his pride is singular, Do not pity him in person, best to pity from afar.

ALL

Do not pity him in person, best to pity from afar.

Though a man’s affairs may worsen, still, his pride is singular, Do not pity him in person, best to pity from afar.

Mr. Wickham is a person who is very popular, As his circumstances worsen, we will pity from afar!

12

“When ailing from no trifling cold” BINGLEY, DARCY & CAROLINE From Ruddygore (“When sailing o’er life’s ocean wide”) New lyrics by Kelly Powers CAROLINE, BINGLEY When ailing from no trifling cold; who knows the grief that may unfold? & DARCY More skilled attendants, passing kind, when safe at home you’ll surely find.

BINGLEY

My heart says, “For this lovely friend spare no expense.

Yet illness tends to sooner mend if one’s less tense.”

The cure is in her mother’s arms. Don’t you agree?

Though I will miss her tender charms to great degree!

To great degree!

DARCY

My good man, you’ve a prosperous lot, and generous heart.

To move her now, I say, would not be very smart.

Your neighbors, though they’re so in need, you surely know Mean not your income to exceed; they need not go!

They need not go!

CAROLINE

I’ve heard that too much time indoors is ill advised.

She should be traipsing o’er the moors; it’s advertised.

Yes, she’ll defeat this troubling strain with more airflow.

That’s what will save our dear friend Jane, so they must go!

So they must go!

CAROLINE, BINGLEY When ailing from no trifling cold; oh yes, the grief that may unfold! & DARCY For it is hard when you receive a guest, a guest who cannot take her leave!

A guest who cannot take her leave!

A guest, a guest who cannot take her leave!

13

“Should you welcome my proposal” DARCY From The Gondoliers (“Rising early in the morning”) New lyrics by Mike Dederian DARCY

Should you welcome my proposal and consent to be my wife, You shall have at your disposal ample riches all your life, Which will serve to pay the bills for your multitude of ills: When you waken in the morning with a mal-de-tête aborning And you find your joints have stiffened while you slept, And your skin is gently slacking, for your collagen is lacking, So the pillow-lines across your face have crept.

But your hair you brush, and then your face ablute (You ignore the hairs absconding at the root), And you dress and totter down to break your fast, Praying that your cardialgia has passed.

As you nurse an aching molar, you withdraw into the solar But your bunions are vexatious, so you take a comfy chair – Try embroidery or sewing, though the calluses are growing, And your eyesight promptly going, and your knuckles all aflare!

Feeling chill, despite the fire, to the garden you retire, Hoping sunlight will replenish your deficient vita-Ds, You can feel your heartbeat quicken, as your allergies all kick in, And your sinuses a-thicken, and you prickle and you sneeze!

Ah! In sickness and in health, I will leverage my wealth, Though the treatment may be daunting, though the cost may be immense – At your smallest little ouchie I will summon Doctor Fauci, For your medical well-being, I will balk at no expense!

After lunch, and feeling wary from a bout of dysentery, Slather calamine upon your poison oak.

Slip the braces off your ankles (the constriction of them rankles), Ease your feet into a soothing epsom soak.

Now the village doctor makes his daily call – Checks your vitals and your high cholesterol, As he drones a dietary diatribe, He will peer, and probe, and palpate, and prescribe: You have nightly an appointment with an anaesthetic ointment Then a tumblerful of water mixed with echinacea flower – No concern that such libation will elicit micturation, For your apnea ensures that you’ll be up within the hour!

So to slumberland you’re shown in, thanks to ample melatonin, With your snoring gently dronin’, and your dreaming soft and sweet, Not a trifle apprehensive that these treatments are expensive, For my riches are extensive, and I lay them at your feet!

Ah! for better or for worse, I will open up my purse To the surgeon, or the druggist, or the dentist with his drill!

From the moment you feel dizzy, I’ve physicians in the hizzy If you’ll marry me, dear Lizzy, I will cover every bill!

14

“I’m rather roused to be espoused” ENSEMBLE From The Gondoliers (“Then one of us will be a queen”) New lyrics by Mike Dederian JANE

I’m rather roused to be espoused to one who at labor works.

Though he’ll often roam, so he’ll seldom be home, he comes with a lot of perks.

I like kisses and hugs, but I need drugs! This union would do me good!

WICKHAM

Should I be willin’, just ’cause she’s illin’?

I rather think I should!

ALL

Oh! There are benefits much enjoyed when such a gentleman is employed!

A working man with such a plan is nothing to avoid, When a fine young gentleman is employed!

CAROLINE

I had my win ’til the Bennets cut in – Mr. Darcy was in my sights.

But with this new gent I’d be very content – those benefits mine by rights!

But brother-of-mine will pay the fine if Miss Bennet remains unwed!

WICKHAM

I think Miss Bingley shall go on singly; I’ll marry her friend instead!

ALL

Oh! There are benefits much enjoyed… Etc.

EMMA

A season ago this elegant beau had cast his eye on me; And if I had known then about well-insured men, then it might have gone differently!

There isn’t dispute; in this pursuit I have the prior claim –

WICKHAM

But you had your shot; you said, “I think not” You have just yourself to blame!

ALL

Oh! There are benefits much enjoyed… Etc.

ELIZABETH

What lady fine would simply decline this “coverage” to obtain?

I’m tempted to fling my hat in the ring and contend with my sister Jane!

But Mister D gave his heart to me; I’ll buck this man’s allure!

WICKHAM

We’ll not be wedded – she seems soft-headed!

A bullet dodged, for sure!

ALL

Oh! There are benefits much enjoyed… Etc. Oh, Miss Jane Bennet’s overjoyed to wed this gentleman so employed – This is their joy day unalloyed!

ACT

3

The Good P lot

15

“Welcome, Sweet Rose Maybud” MICHAEL & ROSE From Patience (“Prithee, pretty maiden”) New lyrics by Barbara Heroux MICHAEL

Welcome, Sweet Rose Maybud, to the Afterlife.

You’re in the good place, willow-willow-waly Here you are in heaven – there’s no more toil or strife!

Hey, willow-waly-o!

Yes indeed, you’re dead, dear, Get it through your head, dear.

Hey, willow-waly-o!

ROSE

Gentle Sir, this is a terrible surprise!

Hey, that I’m dead now, willow-willow-waly; Can you please explain, sir, the cause of my demise?

Hey, willow-waly-o!

There’s been some mistake, sir – Perhaps I’m not awake, sir?

Hey, willow-waly-o!

MICHAEL

No, you aren’t dreaming, what I say is true.

Poor little Rosebud, willow-willow-waly!

Pushing up the daisies, you’ve passed away, you’re through.

Hey, willow-waly-o!

Once you were so cherished; Now deceased and perished.

Hey, willow-waly-o!

ROSE

Fiction lives forever! I cannot have expired!

This is confusing, willow-willow-waly; As a character, I was gen’rally admired.

Hey, willow-waly-o!

Let me clarify, sir – Ingenues don’t die, sir!

BOTH

Hey, willow-waly-o!

16

“You find yourselves in Paradise” MICHAEL & JANET From The Mikado (“Our great Mikado, virtuous man”) New lyrics by Barbara Heroux MICHAEL

You find yourselves in Paradise, where nothing’s nasty, all is nice, Now I’m your host and Janet’s mostly here when things get hectic.

I’m proud to say that I’ve designed A neighborhood that you will find is quite ideal for all your kind; Tho you are quite eclectic! Eclectic! Ecle ––– ctic!

You four are quite eclectic!

And I expect you’ll all agree you’re lucky to be here with me – And I am right, and you are right, and all is right as right can be!

JANET (leading the others in singing)

And you are right, and we are right, And all is right, as right as right can be!

And all is right as right can be!

Right as right can be!

JANET

I’m Janet! If you need me near, just call my name and I’ll appear; I’ll help you out, without a doubt, with all that you require.

And I can take on many forms (contrary to most people’s norms) I’ve several other uniforms – I’ll fulfill ev’ry desire! Desire! Desi –––- re!

Your every heart’s desire.

And I expect you’ll all agree you’re lucky to be here with me – And I am right, and you are right, and all is right as right can be!

MICHAEL (leading the others in singing)

And you are right, and we are right… etc.

MICHAEL

Now let’s explore around town square and meet the other people there They want to meet you and to greet you; they are waiting for us.

They’re sisters, cousins, aunts – all dears – And yeomen brave, and gondoliers, And fairies, pirates, cops, and peers – You’ve got to meet the chorus! We always need a chorus!

And we are right, I think you’ll say, to set things up in just this way.

And I am right, and you are right, and all is right, too-loo-ra-lay!

ALL

And you are right, and we are right, And all is right, too-loo-ra-lay!

17

“Welcome, neighbors!”

CHORUS From Ruddygore (“Welcome, gentry”) New lyrics by Kelly Powers WOMEN

Welcome, neighbors!

Your life’s labors brought you to this slice of heaven!

Place Elysian, Paradisian, Let this world your spirits leaven.

Hearty greeting, hearty greeting offer we!

MEN

In case you might doubt it, we’ll tell you about it; It’s better than Brighton, you know, you know!

Our yogurt is frozen, with flavors well chosen; Do try “Puppy Cuddles,” to go, to go!

Try cottage Icelandic, or chateau romantic; A virtual vassal now comes with each castle!

Shrimp cocktail mountains, and clam-chowder fountains; The joys, every moment, just grow!

The joys, every moment, just grow!

WOMEN

We’re simply ecstatic; it’s not too dramatic, To say we are thrilled that you’re here, you’re here!

That cheery politeness, insisting on rightness, Is very becoming, my dear, my dear.

Such frank erudition – a lovely addition.

Young man ever willing, all duties fulfilling.

Expert-tormentor… persuasion inventor!

So lucky to have you, it’s clear!

So lucky to have you, it’s clear!

MEN

Ah, shrimp cocktail mountains And clam chowder fountains In case you might doubt it,… etc.

ALL

Welcome! Welcome!

Welcome! Welcome! Welcome, we!

WOMEN

Hearty greeting…

Offer we! Offer we!

Welcome, neighbors… etc.

18

“To augment your performance (I’ve got a little pill)” MICHAEL & JANET From The Mikado (“As some day it may happen… I’ve got a little list”) New lyrics by Cary Ann Rosko MICHAEL

To augment your performance in my new dramatic play, I’ve got a little pill – a lozenge, if you will.

Once you take it, it will amplify the role that you portray – Show your Method acting skill, don’t be run-of-the-mill!

We know Gilbert tried for years to sell his tired Lozenge Plot, But Sullivan resisted – he despised it quite a lot.

“Derivative and gimmicky,” Sir Arthur sniffed and sneered, But my creation’s better, which you’ll see once it’s premiered.

All actors love my writing more than Gilbert’s silly swill – I mesmerize and thrill with my prolific quill.

JANET

He’s got a little pill – a lozenge, if you will.

He will mesmerize and thrill with his prolific quill.

MICHAEL

You know Shakespeare? He’s a student in my drama writing class.

He insists I call him “Bill” – (his work has gone downhill) Lord Byron’s work, compared to mine, is juvenile and crass.

His fame was overkill, and Shelley was a shill.

You have Broadway’s big composers who all think they’re so refined, Such as Rodgers, Loewe, Cole Porter, and... Lloyd-Webber? Never mind!

There’s Sondheim, Kern, and Jerry Bock and also You-Know-Who The task of filling up the blanks I’d rather leave to you.

I run rings around the lot of them, their music loud and shrill.

Of acclaim, I drink my fill. Success to make one ill.

JANET

Of acclaim, he drinks his fill, his success would make one ill.

None of this is overkill, he’s clearly his own shill.

19

“Politeness calls for minty breath” JANET & ROSE From Ruddygore (“In bygone days …”)

New lyrics by Cary Ann Rosko

20

JANET

Politeness calls for minty breath, I’ve heard you say.

Take – for your mouth may reek of death – this lozenge, pray.

Though you hesitate to take this drop, It’s as harmless as a lollipop.

Your breath has notes of eau de slop.

ROSE

Is it that bad?

JANET

Yes, it’s that bad.

“You’ve been busting jerks from day to night” BAD JANET & BLANCHE From Princess Ida (“A lady fair of lineage high”) New lyrics by Cary Ann Rosko BAD JANET

You’ve been busting jerks from day to night And schooling losers on what’s wrong and right.

They call you “metal” ‘cause you're so hardcore, And you’re known all over for your booming roar.

You’re known all over for your booming roar.

Yeah, but, Queen of Shout – your voice wears out.

If you take this lozenge, you’ll be more loud – Your voice will carry and you’ll be more scary, So delinquents know they’re not allowed And the idiots and hoodlums will all be cowed.

BLANCHE & BAD JANET

If I take this lozenge, I’ll be more loud – My/your voice will carry and I’ll/you’ll be more scary, So delinquents know they’re not allowed And the idiots and hoodlums will all be cowed!

21

22

“From duty, there is never rest” NEUTRAL JANET & FREDERIC From The Pirates of Penzance (“Oh is there not one maiden breast”) New lyrics by Cary Ann Rosko NEUTRAL JANET

From duty, there is never rest – You need a boost to keep you plucky.

This lozenge gives you zing and zest – It’s like a Red Bull but less yucky.

There’s much to do, and there’s no doubt: A finished job’s a thing of beauty.

There’s no time to be tuckered out – So take this lozenge: it’s your duty.

So take it – heart be stout!

There’s no time to be tuckered out –

FREDERIC

I’ll take the lozenge, it’s my duty!

“If you want to be fun like me” DISCO JANET & WILFRED From The Yeomen of the Guard (“Hereupon we’re both agreed”) New lyrics by Cary Ann Rosko DISCO JANET

If you want to be fun like me, Charm and entertain the fair Phoebe, Be less frightful, more delightful – Take this lozenge and you will be!

You will jibe and joke!

WILFRED

I’ll be jesterly!

DISCO JANET

Be a clever bloke!

WILFRED

Do things funnily!

BOTH

I/You will do things jokily, cleverly, funnily!

So delightful with this lozenge I/you will be!

23

“When the buds are blossoming” ROSE, BLANCHE, FREDERIC, WILFRED & CHORUS From Ruddygore (“When the buds are blossoming”) Lyrics by W.S. Gilbert ROSE

When the buds are blossoming, smiling welcome to the spring, Lovers choose a wedding day – Life is love in merry May!

CHORUS

Spring is green; Summer's rose.

It is sad when summer goes.

Autumn's gold; Winter's grey.

Winter still is far away.

Fa la …

Leaves in autumn fade and fall, Winter is the end of all.

Spring and summer teem with glee: Spring and summer, then, for me!

Fa la …

BLANCHE

In the spring-time seed is sown; in the summer grass is mown; In the autumn you may reap; winter is the time for sleep.

CHORUS

Spring is hope; Summer's joy.

Spring and summer never cloy.

Autumn, toil; Winter, rest.

Winter, after all, is best!

Fa la …

Spring and summer pleasure you, Autumn, aye, and winter too – Every season has its cheer, Life is lovely all the year!

Fa la …

24

“The threatened cloud has passed away” THE ENSEMBLE From The Mikado (“The threatened cloud has passed away”) Lyrics by W.S. Gilbert & Barbara Heroux FREDERIC

The threatened cloud has passed away,

ROSE

And fairly shines the dawning day;

WILFRED

Our shows live on because they should;

BLANCHE

And if they could, we surely would!

FREDERIC, ROSE, WILFRED, BLANCHE, Then let the throng our joy advance, MICHAEL & JANET With laughing song and merry dance, ALL WITH CHORUS

With joyous shout and ringing cheer, Inaugurate their new career!

25

“Champagne’s delicious bubbles” THE GALA 2020 CAST From Die Fledermaus (“Champagne’s delicious bubbles”) New lyrics by Barbara Heroux ROSE

Champagne’s delicious bubbles scatter all our troubles! Tra la …

ELIZABETH

We need a little grace after sheltering in place; What could be more divine than a glass of sparkling wine?

MADGE

We toast Champagne! The essence of the essence, The King of Effervescence! The King of Effervescence!

THE CAST & FILM CREW

A toast! A toast! A toast!

MADGE

His Majesty we celebrate, celebrate, long and late…

ROSE, ELIZABETH & MADGE

Joyously together, we toast Champagne the Great!

SOLOISTS & SPECIAL LAMPLIGHTER GUESTS

His Majesty we celebrate, celebrate, long and late, Joyously together, we toast Champagne the Great!