REAL LIFEAnton

I am a 31 year old gay/queer man. On Sunday September 17th I competed in my first Men’s Physique bodybuilding show in the Millennium Forum, Derry. I was never into fitness or exercise even at school, where I preferred subjects like art and music so as you can imagine prepping for such a comp has been a journey.

I wanted to share my story in the hope that it may make the gym/ bodybuilding scene less intimidating and more accessible to other queer people.

I am a 31 year old gay/queer man. On Sunday September 17th I competed in my first Men’s Physique bodybuilding show in the Millennium Forum, Derry. I was never into fitness or exercise even at school, where I preferred subjects like art and music so as you can imagine prepping for such a comp has been a journey.

I wanted to share my story in the hope that it may make the gym/bodybuilding scene less intimidating and more accessible to other queer people.

I left home at 18 to study fashion and textiles and later, music production in London. Having gone to school at Inst in Belfast and being wrapped in cotton wool, the move was not easy. I became very immersed in queer culture and nightlife. I DJ’d and hosted many club nights, including Jodie Harsh’s iconic Room Service. At the height of it, I was DJing at one of London’s super dance clubs, EGG at Kings Cross, for Jim Warboy’s night HEROES. Aesthetically, I dressed very androgynously - 8” platform heels, wigs, makeup etc but never considered myself a drag queen - I kept my own name. There were times I doubted my gender and in hindsight, I suffered gender dysphoria. I lived a very intense and hectic lifestyle, Djing, studying and working a part time job. Drugs were part and parcel of that lifestyle. There was a period where I would have left the house on a Thursday night, packed a bag, and not returned home until Sunday or Monday morning, going from a club to after party back to a club on repeat for those days without having eaten or slept. The drugs had started to affect my physical and mental health severely. Physically, I was down to just over 50kg as a 5ft 10” man. Mentally, I suffered from acute paranoid delusions. It got to the point that the delusions were happening even when I was not using drugs. On the positive side, it was a lot of fun.I attended some iconic events, like Boy George’s 50th at FIRE, Vauxhall and a benefit for the Isabella Blow Foundation hosted by Daphne Guinness and members of the Blow family. I had been featured in a nude photoshoot alongside, to name a few, Munroe Bergdorf and Jonbenet Blonde (Jonbers Blonde as she is now known by) shot by David Bailey for Ponystep magazine. The general consensus was that none of us liked the pictures and most of us didn’t keep a copy of them. However, now, I wish I had to reminisce

I met very unique people who I will remember forever. My best friend and flatmate at the time was a Portuguese guy who I often DJ’d with. He came from the Portuguese aristocracy and his family are well known in Portugal and in Lisbon. During our time together, he was penniless, his family money was blocked for various reasons and he was very much working through this in his own head. It was very much a riches to rags situation. We often joked that we lived just like in Grey Gardens - no food in the fridge but Chanel jackets and Burkin bags laying on the floor in our

Whitechapel flat. He could never part with his clothes as it was the only connection he had left with his old or “real” life. To this day, he was the most intelligent person I have ever met, and I definitely grew as a person being around him. He was a very transformative person by nature, working as a freelance stylist where he could get work. He had a very unique aesthetic and artistic outlook and definitely influenced my outlook artistically and in life in general.

I realised I had to leave London and start to recover after having had a massive bust up with him after a party one night. He had moved out a week after that episode and I had moved home another week after that. The next 5 or more years were very much like rehab for me. I took a job with a camping tour operator working in campsite receptions in South of France, Lake Garda and Spain. It was very therapeutic being in the sun, sea and nature and was definitely what I needed at the time although I didn’t look how I wanted to look.

Looking good and feeling good is a big driving force in my life. Even as a child, I was always into aesthetics and favoured things that were a little more out there as a boy - not being allowed a pair of jelly shoe sandals springs but to mind here. I never felt average as a person and never wanted to look average. This was all part and parcel of how I presented myself in the London years. As I became more comfortable and secure identifying as a man, I wanted to express this aesthetically in my own Anton way.

I always knew that I needed an outlet for my intensity and obsessive compulsive nature. I started to go to the gym inconsistently during the end of my time working abroad, but after Covid my training was consistent although inefficient and had no knowledge on diet either. I had a niggling feeling in the back of my mind that I wanted to show and compete, but I knew the PT I was with at the time didn’t have the knowledge to take me there.

At this point, I was very aware that there are not very many people in this country who have proper knowledge when it comes to bodybuilding and doing things the “new way” rather than how they used to bodybuild in the 80’s. I had been following Josh Coyle for a year or so on instagram and saw the results he was getting. He started to coach out of the gym I was training in at the time, Lisburn. I had a conversation with him and decided to make the switch over.

I think it is fair to say that Josh hadn’t had a client like me before and was doubtful of my want for it, considering the work , effort, pain and sacrifice it takes. However, I knew how bad I wanted it, I knew how much work it would take and I knew he would be able to take me there. I definitely had to “earn my stripes” with Josh and now we have a great and effective working relationship.

Aside from Josh, Beverley, my best friend, training partner and personal therapist has been my biggest support. We met each other error of judgment or mistake is something I never take for granted. through the gym in Lisburn and instantly had a connection with each other. She also bodybuilds and being able to bounce ideas and experiences off each other is invaluable. Not to mention the therapy and support we can give each other when it comes to men and other distractions. Being able to put each other back on track and support each other even if we feel the other is making an

In terms of my bodybuilding progression, men are definitely a distraction. The anxiety it can give me makes me miss a meal which all adds up when bulking, not to mention increase cortisol levels. During the 15 week show prep, I have been much better at cutting that out. Show prep has taught me to bring the energy back to self and focus on methere is definitely an element of self-love in this. The hunger and tiredness is a killer on show prep, but the changes you see week on week, day on day make it addictive and worth the suffering.

There will always be a drive within me to seek out extremities in life. I feel that I am able to channel that energy into bodybuilding and so, the energy is more controlled. Without bodybuilding, I believe it would run rampant again, become destructive and I would be drawn into a lifestyle similar to how I was living in London. This considered, alongside my drive for aesthetics, looking good and feeling good, it makes a good marriage between myself and bodybuilding.

There is a card in the tarot - The Devil, It symbolises a negative force that cannot be overcome, only worked around. There are connections with addiction and destruction to this card and this is the best way I can describe the energy within and how I have tried to manage it.

There are other aspects to my ongoing transformation too. I always wanted tattoos and piercings. I never got them for fear of offending my family. Doing show prep has given me the confidence to go ahead with this despite what others may think, to look and live the way I want to rather than living my life for the approval of others. Seeking approval of others was something I searched for even outside my family unit. There are plenty of people who don’t get it, don’t get bodybuilding and try to put it down by saying it is unhealthy (which it is) but again, I think about what I would be doing if it wasn’t in my life. It is an extreme sport and isn’t for everyone and the mindset counts for a lot. But I have learnt not to take on others’ projection of it onto myself. This mindset has transferred to other areas of my life and so, has boosted my self esteem and self confidence.

I believe that intense and transformative energy is prevalent within the queer community. I would like to see more openly queer, camp, effeminate men exist within the bodybuilding community in this country, as there are really only a handful. I appreciate that for these types of people, it can seem an intimidating world, and at first it certainly was for me. Even small things were hard, that most hetronormative folk take for granted; like getting changed in the changing rooms. This would trigger locker room anxiety, rooted back to getting changed for PE in school and being paranoid that others in the changing rooms were uncomfortable, simply by the fact that I am an outwardly gay/queer man. And let’s be honest, that isn’t paranoia, that’s what’s going on, but I learnt not to give it much thought. That is their own issue, prejudice and negativity and is important to actively not take that on board. There were men I overheard having conversations in the gym that I wasn’t going to progress simply by the fact that I was too effeminate or not “hard enough” for it. It is important to acknowledge that we all have and have had our own journey and some of us have had our “dark knight of the soul” experience which has prepared us for the next chapter in our life. are looking for. He argued that you should compete out of love and passion for the sport and if you get rewarded for it, then that is a bonus. This resonated with me and was very much the attitude I went into the show with. It felt so good to be back on stage. As there were so many of us, we were on stage for a long time and it was hard to hold the mandatory poses and contract the muscles for so long. I placed 2nd and came home with a silver medal and trophy. I was over the moon to have come second. The whole thing was an experience over the course of the two days, from getting the tan, meeting others who are as passionate about the sport as I am, being on stage and of course the feeling of accomplishment after placing second. Since the show, I have felt that my life has more direction and focus. I will carry on doing my thing and will aim to compete in classic physique in 2025, first i’ll spend 2024 adding more muscle mass especially around my arms and legs.

It is now peek week, the week leading up to the show. I am both excited and nervous for the day. Whatever happens, the competition has always been against myself, and considering my past, I have already won making it to stage. After the show I will continue my own transformation and aim to compete in the classic division in 2025. I hope that sharing my story will encourage other men like me to start the gym and bodybuilding, especially if they have already been thinking about it.

It’s now two weeks after show day in Derry. The line up was stacked - 9 competitors in total in my class. I didn’t know there were so many until I was backstage. There were definitely competitors that had more muscle mass than me and at first I was intimidated by that. But something clicked within, and I can remember saying to myself - “I’ve come this far I’m just gonna have to bring it now.” Bodybuilding is such a subjective sport and is judged much like how an art teacher marks their class’s work. It is judged on size (muscle mass), conditioning, balance, symmetry, posing and stage presence. One judge may place more importance on one of these facets than the other. I had watched a video by an IFBB pro who argued that it is not a good mindset to show up to a show with the belief that you are going to win or place. Considering how subjective the sport is, it is so dependent on who shows up to compete on the day and what the judges

In many ways, I felt that this was a full circle moment from my time spent in London, and can put a lot of those issues and insecurities to bed that have stayed with me from my time in London. But on the other hand, in terms of my bodybuilding, this is only the end of chapter one and I am looking forward to what I can achieve with Josh next.

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