Queen Eagle, Volume 3|Issue 1 - Transitioning

October 2020 | Vol. 3, Issue 1

Queen Eagle

Struggles through love: Me, Them, & Us

One size fits all: A Slimmaz' Struggle wid dem Weight

Transitioning

Contents Becoming a Queen

... 1-2

One Size Fits All

... 3

Struggles through Love ...5-6

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Becoming a Queen Many of us would have been following ‘Queen Eagle’ since the first issue back in March, but how many of us ever wondered how I became a Queen?

I explained a bit in my 'Welcome to the World of Queen Eagle' entry when I drew the comparison to my sister Fortis Queen and my connection to my Alma Mater in a similar way.

Growing up, I was othered without compunction by just about everyone I knew, including family members. I had friends, close friends, but that came at a cost. I had to suffer through microaggressions, jabs at the way I walked and talked, my mannerisms and the fact that I couldn’t play football 🙄. To live a seemingly peaceful life as a child, I had to do as much as I could to fit in with the boys, when really, all I wanted was to be with the girls lusting over N’Sync and Backstreet Boys. I had crushes on girls that wouldn’t look my way even if it meant it would save their eyesight. It was tragic.

This continued for a while through to high school, but the experience became different. At some point during high school, I don’t know what happened, but the bullying stopped. The microaggressions became way less and I was now one of the popular kids. Not like what you see on High School Musical, because I was never that kind of queer (no offense meant) and I was never a GBF (gay best friend), but somehow, I guess my soul broke through my closed shell.

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Over the years, I cycled through a range of emotions tied to my level of self acceptance, or lack thereof. Trying to determine what I was, who I was, where I belonged. Through many failed relationships, both intimate and platonic, I was able to synthesize my personality and character. I was able to find my place in a sea of faceless embodiments of hate, anger and misery. Call it the hollow or the nether...either way, I went through it and had my coming of age experience.

With every new start I tried to hide who I was in my previous life. So I guess, in part, at some point in high school I became a little bit regular. With the emergence of the metrosexual, my peculiarities were seen less as inline with being gay and more with being a straight guy who loves to take care of himself, especially since I had a girlfriend and was doing the ‘man’ things like cheating and lying about it. I promise, I’m a better person now, I have reconciled all those relationships and paid my penance.

Queen Eagle is by no means a reference to my gender identity, it is an affirmation of my place in society. Perched at the top because I’ve already lost it all and I fought for my place here.

I know without a doubt where I belong and will fight to the end to remain there. I know what I deserve and will never compromise on that and I also have enough love and compassion to welcome travelers and to lead a nation of people seeking community.

This cycle kept happening all the way through to university, but it amplified. I lived on campus for three years and I was bullied, harassed and everything in between but thankfully none of it was physical. One experience that will forever stay with me is how I was targeted by the administration this one year, having been assigned room number '2' (that a previously suspected gay resident lived) and the manager of the hall looked me dead in the face and asked me how I liked my room.

That same year, I hooked up with someone and I will spear you the details, but that became shop talk on the hall and that broke me so much because everyone who I thought was my friend was involved in spreading the news. I literally cried to my mother telling her I was ready to go home. I was torn between giving up on life and giving up on people, and that’s when I chose me. I stopped trusting people and started what would be a slow process of healing. A process of rebirth, reinvention, reconstruction and reclamation. I began to remediate my life.

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One size fits all: A Slimmaz' Struggle wid dem Weight

I did some reading on eating disorders (ED) and startlingly, male adolocents and those in their early 20s display a higher prevalence of ED symptoms than females but they are completely unaware. Bulimia was seen in over 45% of the males assessed and they were all completely unaware of what they were doing. I know persons suffering from anorexia nervosa think they're fat, so I know I am not anorexic, and there is nothing I find more gross than throwing up; but I will settle for a mild eating disorder characterized by an avid need to maintain my current figure (let's call it the Ti Syndrome...lol), just kidding. But, I do know that I suffer from some permutation of body dysmorphia.

I don't know for sure the roots of this issue, nor did I ever think of it so seriously prior to the last few years. But, I find humans to be very amenable and one of our major weaknesses is autosuggestion, so I believe there to be significant contribution from our surroundings. So I may very well be a victim of societies beauty standards. Our society places so much emphasis on physique that it is almost impossible to amass social capital without fitting a particular beauty mold.

Especially as an out, nonbinary pansexual, the stakes are at least 5 times as high.

Growing up I have always had one (1) fear in life. That one fear has translated into lifestyle practices and goals. That fear is I do not want to become 'fat'. You may call it lipophodia because I classify it among other morbid fears - like claustrophobia. Whenever my mother used to say "u a put on weight mi son." I immediately lose my appetite.

I grew up on this cycle, so I thought nothing of it until I realised that I get a little bit sad whenever one of my friends would make a fat joke aimed at me. Now my friends will tell you, I am trending in the opposite direction of fat and I have the numbers to prove it: I understand the medical ramifications of Weight 160lbs being obese, and I have a family history of Height 5ft 10" both diabetes and hypertension, but why BMI 22.96 can't we simply appreciate each person Body fat 8.01% just on the merit of them being human.

Waist 29" We are by no means 3D photocopy Hip 38" versions of ken and barbie so why should Wrist 6" we aspire to be?

Forearm 8" Based on my Phd in Googling, I am classified amongst the athletic, so what is my problem? I just don't want to become fat! It is that simple.

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Live more

think less!

...ME, THEM & US

What is love? Baby don’t hurt me. No not the song, it’s my one wish.

Having been the case study of 'Heartache 101' in the 'Breaking Hearts' program, I’ve grown weary.

I would’ve disclosed my position and feelings about love as system of being in the previous volume [shorturl.at/altEW]. A validation step in my own existence is loving and knowing that I’m loved. Well not so much knowing, but feeling...experiencing that love. And that comes in many forms and from many places.

You’d think that someone as open and authentic about love as I am would experience love in its purest forms all the time and from everyone in my life...wake up call! It takes a special kind of naïve to believe that. Love is always a game of me vs you vs them vs us. A cacophony of emotions and interpretations that somehow includes the input of a wide range of players. And you know what, it’s annoying! Our social systems weigh in so heavily on how we are able to experience love. From giving to receiving it, and I continue to wonder why the emotional connection of two people can’t overcome those systems. I still don’t have the answer, so If you come up with anything, please feel free to drop me a line or two.

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Struggles Through Love

My own toxicity in this is that I have this weird affliction where I sometimes conflate and confuse friendships and intimate relationships. Not with sex cos sex is bad, don’t have sex...just kidding. But, right, I somehow form an intimate oftentimes one way bond with my friends that causes trouble for me with how I interpret some of their actions. But when I have an intimate partner, depending on the time of day, I’m unable to pass that affection on to them. No worries for when friendships transcends the family-friendship front and we enter into familial relations, those emotions go and it’s just pure platonic love, free of the veiled vantage point and things become ‘normal’...for a friendship.

So back to the cacophony, why is there a ways a separation of beings when it comes to love? Why is there a need to maintain a 'me vs us' paradigm in cases of intimate relationships? I have an idea...Trust. I find it difficult to trust in today’s world and it’s not only limited to intimate relations, just about every type of interaction. I really don’t trust anyone with 100% of things 100% of the times, but somehow I am still able to function as if I do. This duality is something I am actively exploring. I will lay my life bare in front of someone and still not trust them with it, so I actively observe their actions towards my vulnerability. I will share my deepest secret with someone and still be prepared for when it gets out. And, I will be very close to someone and they are completely oblivious to all that’s happening in my life. But, yet, I remain an open book...this is my dilemma. Because even in my apathy towards people and not trusting them, I still enjoy authentic and pure connections with many. I guess I am somewhat of a master of my very own me vs us paradigm and it continues to invade my thoughts.

I want to trust wholly again, I want to love purely again. I want to have people in my life and not think that it’s a matter of time before they betray my trust.

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Just a wish.

Editor in Chief and Lead Contributor: Emme Kristi (@emme_kristi) Associate Editor: Mx Williams (@mxleoworld) Cover Page: Photography by Shadae (@tas_wirl), Hair by Anika Walsh (@illusionator), Make-up by Paris Lewinsky (@i_am_paris_lewinsky), Creative Direction by Kyym Savage (@kyym_savage) and Emani (@emaniemanithestylist) Photography Contributions: Patrick McLean (IG: @doing_me369) Queen Eagle Logo Design: Trevmedia (@trevmedia)

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