Queen Eagle Vol. 2

Queen Eagle VOL. 2

LOVING, LIVING & LETTING GO

LETTING LOGIC LEAD

My coming out story: How I survived a trip inside my mind

JUNE 2020

PRIDE AND A STEM QUEEN

Contents 1

Pride and A Stem Queen

Letting Logic Lead: Loving, Living and Letting Go

3

My Coming Out Story: How I survived a trip inside my mind

4-5

PRIDE AND A STEM QUEEN

If you are reading this chances are you know that I am a scientist. More specifically, I am an environmental and food safety consultant. How does that work with me being a gender non-binary pansexual? STEM, which means Science, Technology, Education and Mathematics is a field that is thought to be the helm of sustainable development as these disciplines form the basis of many other areas of study and work and is the foundation of most of what we know about the world today. Needless to say, governments worldwide as been pushing for STEM education in schools and revamping of same in many cases so as to increase uptake. STEM is regarded as one of those male dominated fields, but why is it mostly men who work in STEM? Since time immemorial, women have been relegated to subservient roles to men, and so, you find that many of these fields were traditionally dominated by men...er go, patriarchy. So, unfortunately but not far fetched, what obtains today in STEM is a gross under-representation of feminine presenting genders.

#BEINGMESINCE'89

And, where these exist, they are - you guessed it - placed below those perceived as masculine. Feminine presenting genders here, are any gender identity/presentation not conforming to the traditional roles of masculinity. How is it then that I am able to exist proudly in STEM as a proud transfemme person ? Truth is, I have had to work to claim my space and a big part of it was done while peeking out from inside the closet.

It is unfair that we have to 'pass' or play the roles they want in order for us to be taken seriously, but I refuse to be pushed to the back of something that I am so good at and passionate about. I can admit though, that working in a company that was is owned by a woman and is also led by women helped me on my journey of self actualization although not without its troubles.

This pride month, I celebrate being a fabulous queen and being a successful scientist is a culturally homophobic nation.

The Non-binary STEM Queen Emme KrisTi

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LETTING LOGIC LEAD: LOVING, LIVING AND LETTING GO WRITTEN BY EMME KRISTI There is a growing idea that I consider to be quite regressive that being needy or clingy is a toxic trait. Many persons seem to have their heart under control as if they had put it through formal military training so it does what it's told...when it is told. While this may be the case, I think it is wrong and inconsiderate to ask the entire global population to be like this.

As humans, I always say that our greatest strength and our biggest weakness is intelligence. Intelligence (the ability to think and make decisions based on logic) is what separates humans from lower animals who rely on instincts to survive.

Intelligence is what allows us to assess situations and evaluate the risks of acting in a particular way. Intelligence is also the reason why we go into wars and create categories in society that disenfranchise other humans and dehumanize others, so forgive me if I'm not on this bandwagon. I consider myself to an emotional being and many times, it seems that I give up logic in preference to experience what ever modicum of bliss may exist in a particular instance. Does that make me any less valid as a human that the person who doesn't believe in opening up themselves to these kinds of experiences? It most certainly does not!

I love love and there is no deny that. Nothing makes me happier than when I put a smile on the face of people I love and even more so someone I am in love with. I recognize this as a point of weakness in me and that is why i live, love and let go. If I try to conceal my affection, the pain that would cause me is greater than the pain of heartbreak or rejection so I love laying all my cards on the table. This is not to say that I am a yam head cos di yam dun dig up areddy an naah plant back. I like to think of it as discovering a balance where I can love unhindered while letting logic lead.

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#BeingMeSince'89

My Coming Out Story: How I survived a trip inside my mind.

It was October 2017...My manager was on emergency medical leave from work so everything fell in my lap very quickly and without warning.

I already had to weather a that started storm July of the same year, by this time, I was a small craft at sea with no way to shore. This was also the year my boyfriend broke up with me on account of needing time to work out stuff in his life. I remember giving up on so much and feeling inadequate in so many aspects of my life. I began to lose faith in those I called my friends at the time and I had lost all trust in humanity after seeing that no matter how important people make you feel, when it comes down to the wire you are nobody's number 1. I learnt a lot of hard lessons.

So, back to October. I remember sitting in my manager's chair spaced out, wondering if this was it. Was this what I was living for? Pain, disappointment, and feeling overwhelmed every waking minute? I had no zeal to do or be anything, no drive to excel any further, no inkling to even be a thread in the fabric of life. I had to run to the bathroom to try and stave off the tears that were already pouring. This continued for days...running to the bathroom to cry because I had to be strong for my team. I was called to lead and we had to pull through until my manager came back to work. As I fought to keep it together, it felt as if I was being taunted by both my choices. Having no one, nowhere, and what felt like nothing! My mind was bare, with all the thoughts of success and perfection gone. So how did I ever pull through this?

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WRITTEN BY EMME KRISTI

Queen Eagle

https://kristiboi.wordpress.com/

#BeingMeSince'89

My Coming Out Story I allowed everything to crumble and I sank into darkness that was never before known to me. I abused every simple pleasure I knew...alcohol, sex, ganja. I had to lose myself in the wilderness of my mind. That was the only way I could numb the pain of the world I was existing in.

That's when I found peace. As I was wandering through the darkness in my mind without any sort of map I found scared 13 year old me hiding; scared of all that was happening around me. They were held up, full fetal in a corner crying and shivering in the cold all alone. This was when it hit me that I owed it to them to be better. I abandoned them because I had blamed them for everything I have had to endure growing up, why did they have to be different? Why couldn't they have just been like every other boy in the community?

As I approached them, the closer I got, the more I wondered...was I too harsh? Was I blaming a child for something they had no control over? Was I blaming them for being the only way they knew how to be. Was I the reason, they ran away to hide here?

I got to them and reach out, and as I touched their shoulder and they looked up at me with curious, sad and angry eyes, I could do nothing more than burst out in tears. That's when I pulled them in and gave them they biggest hug that existed. It was me, I was the one causing the pain. I was the one that had placed these unrealistic standards to exist on myself. I put pressure on a child to live and exist in a way that was both unknown and uncomfortable for them and they ran away.

But, I was able to find them and remind them that they had a friend and that friend was me.

I was able to save myself by spending time with my 13 year old self in my mind convincing them that they are not to blame. It was not an easy task but it was worthwhile. You see, sometimes we are experiencing significant pain and we look for everything outside in the world to blame and hold accountable, when the problem really lies within us. And, so does the solution.

I survived my mind by tackling it head on, diving deeper to find and understand myself. Some of us may need a little help navigating that space, but it is a journey that I 100% recommend.

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#BeingMeSince'89

Queen Eagle #BeingMeSince'89

Content Created by: Emme Kristi (IG: @emme_kristi Design Edits by Mx Williams (IG: @theartistmx) Queen Eagle Logo Design by Trevmedia (IG: @trevmedia) Cover Photo by Patrick McLean (IG: @doing_me369)