Why am I beautiful and full of personality but I don't have a boyfriend?

By Faith Kekana

Is it possible that the decisions people make aren’t a reflection of you?

I have a friend, her name is Loatile, and I frequently find myself yelling at her. She is the most self-critical person I know and it tends to bother me how she has an ability to manufacture criticism from what I, and probably a lot of other people, consider her beautifully woven character.

In the urban Pretorian culture, we would call her “lepyatla” (lee –peeyahcla), which means an attractive and incredibly beautiful woman. Not only is the operation of her mind captivating, but she’s also an empath. A woman of high moral value.

During our last encounter, she posed a question to me, “Why am I beautiful and full of personality, yet I don’t have a boyfriend? What is wrong with me?”

To the first question, there is a spectrum of answers: Attractiveness is subjective, the element of serendipity, a lack of exposure, timing, circumstance and you can probably name more.

But the second question, the assumption that something is wrong with her triggered me into thinking if we always think an undesired external outcome, is our fault.

It’s unfortunate, really. What more can a girl do? I think something we often forget when we interact with the outside world is that our system is intertwining with many other systems which means beliefs intertwining, backgrounds intertwining, perceptions and experiences intertwining.

Is it not oblivious to constantly criminalise our system when we don’t interact quite right? But don’t get me wrong, a lack of accountability or self-awareness is not what is being advertised here. Rather, it is a recognition that some things require an effort from you, but they reach a wall. Beyond that wall, is beyond your control.

A consideration for what is within your control is your mindset. I think we can devote a certain amount of effort to analyse ourselves and our needs and from that we reap personal growth and the standards we wish to see from any interaction.

But accompanying this analysis should be gratitude too. There is so much we fail to appreciate about ourselves when we are not externally validated. It’s even exhibited in the title of this piece: the subject has become the lack of a boyfriend instead of how you’re beautiful and vibrant.

Honestly, the appreciation we have for ourselves shouldn’t lay in the hands of the outside world because when it does and we do not receive external validation, we start to ask ourselves the same things Loatile asked, “What is wrong with me?”

As cliché as it might sound, if anyone doesn’t find interest in what you have to offer them, that decision lies in their preference, not your deprecation. And if you really feel the need to explore extra measures, you could always manipulate circumstance by “putting yourself more out there” wherever there is, but I don’t recommend exploiting your self-esteem. After all, “the best we can do is breathe and reboot”.