The Hunt for Mrs. Moe by K.C. Otenti

THE HUNT FOR MRS. MOE by K.C. Otenti ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. MOE’S TAVERN- NIGHT LENNY, CARL, and HOMER are sitting at the bar. MOE is filling a glass of beer for Homer. Moe sets the glass on the bar in front of him. MOE Hey, didn’t you guys go to some charity auction the other day? HOMER Yeah, it was some stupid fund raising thingy to raise funds for some… thingy. LENNY It was to raise money to give homes to orphaned wombats. HOMER I knew it was for something with a funny name. MOE I don’t even know what the hell a wombat is.

CARL Wombats are short-legged marsupials, about three feet in length. They are mainly crepuscular and nocturnal, and eat mostly

grasses, sedges, herbs,

bark and roots. MOE I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t even know what the hell crepusca-whatever means. CARL Crepuscular refers to animals that are primarily active during twilight. MOE Uh, right. (TURNING TO HOMER) Did you win anything? HOMER I bid on this really neat toothpick dispenser, but I lost it to some rich snob. If I were a millionaire, maybe I could spend $400 on a stupid toothpick dispenser, too. MOE Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve got a toothpick dispenser you can have.

Moe reaches underneath the bar and pulls out a toothpick dispenser, which he then places in front of Homer. Homer grabs it and twists the knob, but no toothpicks come out. HOMER What‘s the big idea, giving me a broken toothpick dispenser? MOE It‘s not broken. I just don’t have any toothpicks. Homer huffs and throws the dispenser over his shoulder. LENNY Carl and I were the highest bidders on a couple of chicks who were mail order brides, but they had been returned and were just sittin‘ around the warehouse. MOE How are they workin’ out for you? CARL Besides bein‘ a little dusty, Lainey’s just about perfect! She was totally worth my 50 bucks. And it makes me feel good to think of all those poor little orphan wombats I helped shelter and feed.

LENNY Speaking of feeding, when I woke up this morning, Carol already had breakfast made and on the table. It’s like I’ve got my own maid now! CARL Yeah, Lainey had my clothes for work all laid out. I mean, she practically dressed me! HOMER Yeah, Marge does that for me. HOMER’S VISUALIZATION Homer pictures a scene where he is laying, drunk or maybe just asleep, on his bed in his underwear. MARGE, dressed in her church clothes, is trying to pull Homer’s suit onto his prone, unmoving body. BACK TO SCENE MOE It must be nice, havin’ someone to love you, take care of you, tell you lies to make you feel better when you’re down. HOMER You really should try it, Moe. You’d have to find a pretty good liar, but you’d feel loads better.

LENNY Yeah, then maybe you wouldn’t depress us and drive us to drink. MOE Hmm. Maybe you’re right. I mean, I appreciate the business an’ all, but it’s just not fair to you guys. But where can I find a gal who’d be willing to put up with me? HOMER I know the perfect place to find desperate, single women- a wedding! We can go around, looking for weddings to crash, and pick out almost any woman you want! Most of them are so jealous of the bride, they won’t care how ugly you are. They’ll be dying to dance with you! MOE Are you sure Homer? Last time I was at a wedding, I accidentally set the mother of the bride on fire. HOMER Eh, those things happen.

MOE Then I almost drowned the flower girl in the punch bowl. HOMER Don’t worry about a thing, Moe. I saw it in a movie, once. It’ll all work out fine. Homer lifts his beer mug to take a swig. The handle falls off and the mug hits him in the face and shatters. His face is torn and bleeding. HOMER I’m fine. Excuse me. Homer runs out of the bar, screaming. MOE Yeah, he’s probably right. Everything will be just fine. EXT. HIGHWAY OVERPASS- NEXT MORNING BART and MILHOUSE are hanging over the railing, spitting on cars passing below. MILHOUSE Bart, I don’t wanna spit on cars anymore! Let’s go to the mall! The poster store has those magic eye (MORE)

MILHOUSE (CONT’D) thingys. I love those magic eye thingys! I hope they have one with a sailboat! BART Milhouse, that’s so lame. I could think of a million better things to do. MILHOUSE Suit yourself. Milhouse turns and runs off. Bart watches Milhouse go, then turns away. BART I’ve gotta think of something better to do. Think, man, think. He begins to walk towards downtown. As he is strolling down the street with his hands in his pockets, he spots something on the ground. BART (cont’d) (BENDING TO PICK UP OBJECT) Well, what have we here? Bart holds up the object and looks at it. It is a silver coin with a picture of Jebediah Springfield on the obverse. A motto is inscribed around the rim of the coin. The date reads 1964. On the reverse, there is a scene of Jebediah being killed by a bear, with the words “ONE DOLLAR” across the bottom. Across the top it reads “1796 - 1838.”

BART (CONT‘D) It looks like a coin of some sort. (TURNS IT OVER) One dollar? I know exactly what to do with you. He walks to Android’s Dungeon and enters. He strides up to the display case and browses its contents. COMIC BOOK GUY I’ll ask you not to take up my valuable air space unless you are planning to make a purchase. BART You’re in luck today, big guy. (SLAPS COIN ONTO THE COUNTER) You’ve got yourself a paying customer. COMIC BOOK GUY (LOOKING DISDAINFULLY AT COIN) Oh, wow. A whole dollar. Well, I- (PICKS UP COIN AND LOOKS AT IT) Hang on. Where did you get this? BART I found it on the street. So what? It’s rightfully mine: finders keepers.

COMIC BOOK GUY Ah, yes. An adage I know all too well. But you misunderstand. This, my numismatic neophyte, happens to be a very rare, very valuable 1964 Jebediah Springfield Silver Dollar, in commemoration of the anniversary of his noble death. BART He was mauled by a bear. COMIC BOOK GUY Yes, but in a noble fashion. BART Right. Anyway, how much is it worth? COMIC BOOK GUY I’ll tell you what. I will give you $75 for this coin. BART Wow! (DIGS IN POCKET) Say, I’ve got this quarter I got for weeding my batty old neighbor‘s garden. I’ll let you have it for just another $20.

COMIC BOOK GUY If I wanted sarcasm, I would look no further than my own witty self. So please refrain from all mocking statements, unless you desire to be thrown out on your smart-ass little behind. BART I’ll just take my $75, then. COMIC BOOK GUY Fine. (SLAPS MONEY ON THE COUNTER) BART (GRABS THE MONEY) Fine. They stare each other down for a moment, then Bart turns and leaves. INT. SIMPSON’S MASTER BEDROOM - A LITTLE LATER Homer pulls an old, moth eaten tuxedo out of his closet. He chuckles as he dusts it off. HOMER I knew there was a reason I never returned this old rental. He notices a stain on one of the sleeves. HOMER I wonder what that was? (HE TASTES THE STAIN) Mmm… mystery stain.

He struggles to get it on, looks himself over in the mirror, and goes downstairs into the kitchen. MARGE is standing at the sink, scrubbing a pan. MAGGIE sits in her high chair, a plate of gelatin sits in front of her. She is using her spoon to carve the gelatin. MARGE What are you all dressed up for, Homie? HOMER I‘m going out with Moe. MARGE You mean you’re going out to Moe’s? HOMER No, Moe and I are going out. MARGE (MURMURS) I think you and Moe spend way too much time together. Isn’t it enough you spend your nights getting drunk in his bar? What is it that’s so important you have to go out with your bartender instead of spending time with your loving family? O.C. there is a crash, a cat‘s screech, and LISA screaming. Gelatin splatters on the side of Marge’s face. She murmurs as she wipes it off.

HOMER (TO HIMSELF) Don’t tell her you’re crashing a wedding. (TO MARGE) We’re going … to… crash… (TO HIMSELF) Mayday! Mayday! Reset coordinates! (TO MARGE) A car! We’re going to crash a car! Into the, uh… gorge! (QUICKLY AND NERVOUSLY) We’re going to crash a car into the gorge. Good, clean, wholesome fun. (LOOKS AT WATCH) Well, no time to chat, Marge. Gonna go crash a car. He hurries from the room, then peeks back around the door frame. HOMER (CONT‘D) Into the gorge! Homer pops back out of the frame. There are running footsteps, a slamming door, tires squealing, and a car racing off. Marge murmurs. She goes back to scrubbing her pan. Maggie looks approvingly at her sculpture. Santa’s Little Helper watches in anticipation as Maggie then devours it. Bart enters from the living room. BART Hey, Mom! You’ll never guess what! I found a dollar coin on the ground on my way home, and took it to buy (MORE)

BART (CONT’D) something at the comic book store. The guy there said it was a rare coin and gave me 75 bucks for it! MARGE Now, Bart. You should save that money. BART I’d love to, Mom, but I already spent it on these cool gauntlets. (LIFTS HIS HANDS TO SHOW HER THE SILVER GAUNTLETS ON HIS ARMS) They let me pick up stuff that’s really heavy. Bart looks around and sees a large boulder in the corner of the room. He lifts it up and throws it. The boulder breaks against the wall, leaving blue and green rupees in its wake. A guy looking suspiciously like LINK (circa the “Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time” video game) rolls into the room, collecting the rupees, then runs off. Marge murmurs. Bart goes into the other room and turns on the television. An Itchy and Scratchy episode is playing. The title of the episode is “Scratchy in Wonderland”. SCRATCHY is in a meadow. He spots ITCHY, wearing a waistcoat and pocket watch, rushing into a rabbit hole in the side of a small hill. Scratchy follows him, plummeting down a shaft, past floating odds and ends, full speed into the ground.

Itchy laughs and runs off. Scratchy follows and soon comes upon the CHESHIRE CAT. The cat smiles innocently, then growls and bites off Scratchy’s hands. Scratchy screams, then spots Itchy a short way ahead. He continues after him, through a hedge maze. In a clearing, Itchy darts past the RED QUEEN, Scratchy plows into her. The Queen orders Scratchy’s head cut off. Itchy chops off Scratchy’s head, impales it onto a bare tree branch, and slathers it with Scratchy’s blood. Itchy then turns and splashes blood onto the camera lens. The blood drips into letters spelling “The End”. The credits begin to roll, then get pushed to the bottom of the screen, and KENT BROCKMAN appears on screen. KENT BROCKMAN Welcome to the local news at noon. Our top story today: a dangerous convict has escaped from Springfield Penitentiary and is believed to be hiding out in an unlikely public building. But first, a local merchant hits it big by buying a rare coin worth hundreds of dollars off of a young child today. A live feed of Comic Book Guy plays in the upper right corner of the screen as Kent speaks with him. COMIC BOOK GUY Can you believe the fool was actually going to pay with it?

KENT BROCKMAN So instead of letting him give it to you, you bought it from him for $75? COMIC BOOK GUY (BEAT) It was a rhetorical question. KENT BROCKMAN So there you have it. A classic story of a child-swindling cretin. I bet that poor, young boy is kicking himself now. BART Hey! He cheated me! MARGE I just can’t believe that… Mr., um… Guy would do something like that! He hoodwinks enough kids as it is out of their money, selling those active figurines and comedy books that have little to no educational value. BART Mom, they’re action figures and comic books. And that doesn’t change the fact that he tricked me! How many hundreds of dollars have I spent at his crappy (MORE)

BART (CONT’D) store, anyway? I’m one of his best customers! You don’t treat your best customers like that! MARGE Well, I think we should march right down there and speak to him about this. KENT BROCKMAN In other news, after his extensive southern tour, the Man Without Ears returns home. Here is a clip from an earlier press conference. REPORTER (STANDING AND RAISING HIS HAND) How is it you are able to answer our questions if you have no ears? The Man Without Ears, standing behind a podium, smiles and waves to the reporter. The crowd anxiously waits in vain for a reply as the Man Without Ears continues to smile blankly. EXT. MOE’S HOUSE- MEANWHILE Homer pulls up to the curb in front of the house and honks the horn.

HOMER Come on, Moe! All aboard for the babe buffet! (HONKS AGAIN) Moe comes out in an ugly plaid suit and clashing bowtie. His suit is stained and his bowtie is crooked. MOE (ARMS SPREAD) How do I look? HOMER No, no, no. Homer steps up to Moe and blocks the camera’s view of what he’s doing. HOMER (CONT‘D) Let me just fix this, and this right there, and one more thing, and… perfect! Homer steps away to reveal Moe looking much as he had, except now there is a flower in his lapel. They both climb into the car and drive off. INT. HOMER’S CAR - CONTINUOUS MOE Homer, do you think I will ever settle down with a decent woman? HOMER Decent? Uh… sure. I believe everyone has a soul mate.

They approach a pair of deer grazing by the side of the road. HOMER (CONT‘D) See? Even the deer are living happily ever after. One of the deer suddenly jumps in front of the car. The camera faces Homer and Moe head on as a loud thump is heard and the car shakes. HOMER (CONT‘D) The lesson here would be to not go looking for a soul mate too close to the road. EXT. CHURCH OF SPRINGFIELD- CONTINUOUS They pull up outside the front of the Protestant church, where there are YOUNG PEOPLE (20’s to 30’s) congregated around a reception line. Homer and Moe try to mingle and start up a conversation. MOE (TO AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN) Uh, hiya. Um… are you single? YOUNG WOMAN Yo, beat. Why you be steppin‘ all up in my Kool-Aid? MOE Well, I… huh? YOUNG WOMAN Close it out, jabroni.

MOE Uh, it was nice meeting you. (ASIDE TO HOMER) I don’t think this is gonna work. HOMER Chillax, bro. Ain’t no thang. This just ain’t your scene. Let’s roll out. YOUNG WOMAN (TO HOMER) Yo, G- you fine. Let’s trade junk. HOMER Check ‘em, freak show. Moe and Homer leave. They find a wedding in progress at the Buddhist temple. They walk in and stop in the doorway. They look in, and see the BRIDE and GROOM standing in front of a shrine to Buddha. They are flanked by chanting MONKS. Homer and Moe look at each other, then turn around and walk right back out again. INT. FIRST CHURCH OF SPRINGFIELD- CONTINUOUS Moe and Homer sneak into the church, where a ceremony is already in progress. They sit in a pew toward the back. HOMER (SURVEYING THE CROWD) So, which one do you want?

MOE How ‘bout that hot little blonde number over there? (HE POINTS HER OUT) HOMER Nah, she’s taken. MOE How do you know? HOMER She looks happy. If a woman at a wedding looks happy, she’s already got a husband. You want one that’s crying and miserable, like that one over there. He points to a REDHEAD sitting apart from everyone else and crying. HOMER (CONT‘D) If they’re crying, you know they’re lonely and desperate. MOE Naw, I don’t want nothing’ to do with a leaky faucet. HOMER Sure you do. She’s just looking for a plumber to stop the leak. A plumber of love.

MOE I don’t know nothin’ about plumbin‘, Homer. HOMER It’s a metaphor. A metaphor of love. MOE Will you shut up already before I deck you in the mouth. (BEAT) The mouth of love.

FADE OUT END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO FADE IN: INT. ANDROID’S DUNGEON- THAT AFTERNOON Bart storms in, Marge marching in behind him. COMIC BOOK GUY May I help you? BART Yes, you can. You can help me by giving me my Jebediah dollar back! COMIC BOOK GUY I am sorry. If you want the coin, I am afraid I will have to ask for payment in the sum of $800. BART But you only paid me $75 for it! COMIC BOOK GUY Well, you should have asked for more. BART I didn’t know how much it was worth! And I didn’t know that that’s how you’d treat one of your best customers!

COMIC BOOK GUY One of my best customers? Please. You’d be surprised how many adults are pathetic enough to come in and spend more money in a day than you would see in a whole month’s allowance. Marge steps forward and pushes Bart aside. MARGE Shame on you for tricking a little boy out of a small fortune! How would you have felt if, as a child, you had something of value, but were tricked into selling it for much less than it was worth? COMIC BOOK GUY (SIGHS) A pain I know all too well. I, too, was once the victim of a similar occurrence. COMIC BOOK GUY’S FLASHBACK As a child, Comic Book Guy has a Radioactive Man #1. An adult approaches him and offers to pay $20 for the comic book. Comic Book Guy, amazed at the amount of money, accepts. We then see that the adult becomes a wealthy man, with an extensive comic book collection and several attractive women. BACK TO SCENE

COMIC BOOK GUY (CONTâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;D) (RUEFUL) If only there was some way to repair the damage done. MARGE You could sell the coin and split the money you get with Bart. COMIC BOOK GUY (SIGHS) As much as I hate to exhibit anything that could be construed as human kindness or compassion, I believe that to clear what is left of my forsaken conscience, it is the only way. He gets up from his seat and waddles over to a framed poster hanging on the wall behind the counter. He swings the poster forward, revealing a wall safe, secured by a number pad. He punches in a code, and the front panel of the safe slides up into the wall. This reveals another panel, on which there is a pad where Comic Book Guy places his hand. There is a chime, and this second panels slides sideways into the wall. A third panel is revealed. Comic Book Guy leans his face toward this panel, and a laser activates, scanning his retina. The safe is finally opened, and Comic Book Guy reaches in and removes the coin, now in an Air-Tite holder.

COMIC BOOK GUY Fortunately, I happen to know someone who may be interested in a purchase of this nature. BART Who, Batman? COMIC BOOK GUY No, I was thinking more along the lines of a coin collector. BART Batman’s a coin collector. COMIC BOOK GUY No, he‘s not. BART Well, he should be. EXT. WEDDING RECEPTION- LATER SAME AFTERNOON Homer and Moe spot the redhead from the wedding. She has stopped crying and is now mildly attractive. They approach her. HOMER (HUGGING HER) Wow! You really look great! How are you? REDHEAD Who are you?

HOMER I’m Uncle Marty’s kid- Sam. REDHEAD Uncle Marty doesn’t have any kids. HOMER No, your other Uncle Marty. The one you’ve never met. REDHEAD Oh. (TURNS TO MOE) And you are…? MOE (SWEATY AND NERVOUS)Uh, heh heh. Um, I’m… um. (PULLS AT COLLAR) HOMER This is my friend who’s not related to us, Moe. He owns his own bar. And he’s single. REDHEAD Really? (GRABS MOE AND LINKS HER ARM IN HIS) Let’s talk. Redhead and Moe walk away. Homer notices buffet-style hors d’oeuvres. He starts munching on cocktail wieners and bacon-wrapped scallops. An older, dignified-looking, exmilitary type MAN approaches the table and stands next to Homer. MAN These bacon-wrapped scallops are marvelous, aren’t they?

HOMER (WHILE STUFFING HIS FACE) Mmm-hmm. MAN It was a very nice service, don’t you think? HOMER Oh, sure. They shoulda cast a betterlooking bride, though. Su-ey! She could stand to lose a few pounds, too. MAN (CLENCHING HIS TEETH) The bride just happens to be my daughter. HOMER Oh, heh heh. I was just kidding about that ‘suey’ remark. She’s not too bad looking. And she’s just going to gain weight with the first kid, anyway. She’s fine just the way she is. MAN I don’t even know who you are. HOMER I’m Marty’s kid, Sam.

MAN We didn‘t invite any Marty to the wedding. I don’t even know a Marty. HOMER I see. Well, what I meant to say was, I’m Sal’s son, Vito. MAN (CRACKING KNUCKLES) I think you ought to leave, now. HOMER Raul’s son Diego? MAN If you don’t get out of my sight right now, I will personally make sure that you will never be seen again. HOMER Keep your pants on. I’m going. I just need a snack for the road. Homer grabs handfuls of hors d’oeuvres. The man steps forward, menacingly. Homer screams, drops the food, and runs off to find Moe. He finds him sitting next to Redhead at a table with halfempty plates of food at some of the place settings. They are talking animatedly.

MOE (SEEING HOMER) Homer! (LOOKS GUILTILY AT REDHEAD) Uh, I mean Sam! HOMER I think it’s Diego now. MOE I’m not even gonna ask. Anywho, Mary and I are actually hitting it off! Can you believe she went to Swigmore U, too? We were even in the same class! MARY While we were mixing drinks, he spilled his Bloody Mary all over my favorite sweater. On the first day. HOMER Gee, that’s great. We gotta go. MOE Aw, come on, Homer. Just a little while longer? HOMER No. I think the father of the bride wants to kill me.

MOE What makes you think he wants to kill you? HOMER I might have said a few things to him about the bride. Unpleasant things. The type of things a guy doesn’t want to hear about his daughter. MOE Homer, what did you say? HOMER I may have mentioned something about the bride being fat. And I may have made a comment about her being ugly, too. But who can really say? It was so long ago…. MOE Dear, God. Haven’t you learned to keep your big mouth shut until you find out who you’re talking to? HOMER Obviously not.

MARY I don’t understand. Why do you think he wants to kill you over a couple of rude remarks? HOMER Because then I lied about who I was. Three times. Then he told me to leave, so I grabbed some food to go, and he told me he was going to kill me. Not in so many words. Actually, in more words. Twelve, by my count. MARY He’s coming. (LIFTS UP TABLECLOTH) Crawl under here. The Man strides up to the table and looks around, pounding one fist into his other palm. MAN Have either of you seen a fat, bald guy slink by here? MOE Uh, well there was one fat, bald guy, but he wasn’t slinking. I’d say he was scampering.

MAN Hmm. I guess that’s close enough. Which way did he go? MARY I think he scampered over toward the driveway. MAN Thanks. (HE RUNS OFF) MOE (TO MARY) Wow, that was pretty sneaky! You got smarts, and you ain’t too bad lookin’, neither! MARY (BLUSHING AND GIGGLING) Oh, I’m no good at taking a compliment. MOE That’s okay. Most people say I’m no good at givin’ a compliment. So, how’s about me and you getting’ together sometime? I’ll make you my special Salty Moe. MARY I’d love to. Here’s my number.

MOE Geez, I gotta wait after this many guys to get a shot with you? MARY Thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s my phone number. I want you to call me. MOE Yeah, I knew that. After a brief awkward moment, Mary leans toward Moe and kisses him on the lips. They embrace as the kiss becomes passionate. HOMER Is it safe to come out now, guys? He waits in vain for an answer. HOMER (CONTâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;D) Guys? He waits another moment. When he receives no answer, he reaches up from beneath the table and grabs some food off of a plate on the table. His hand disappears under the tablecloth, and he munches on the food solemnly. FADE OUT END OF ACT TWO

ACT THREE FADE IN: EXT. COIN COLLECTOR‘S HOUSE- A FEW DAYS LATER Bart and Comic Book Guy are standing on the coin collector’s doorstep. They ring the doorbell, and the collector opens the door. They find themselves face to face with WAYNE GRETZKY, who is wearing a hockey uniform and ice skates. BART Wayne Gretzky! I didn’t know you collected coins! WAYNE Of course I do. They remind me of hockey pucks. Shiny, little hockey pucks. With dead people’s pictures on them. BART You know, I play ice hockey, too. WAYNE (PULLING COTTON GLOVES OUT OF HIS BACK POCKET) That‘s great. (TURNING TO COMIC BOOK GUY) Did you bring the coin? May I see it?

COMIC BOOK GUY (PULLING OUT THE COIN) Yes, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s right here. Wayne pulls on the gloves and grabs the coin. He holds it up by the edge and looks at both sides. WAYNE (BACKING AWAY FROM THE DOOR) Come in, come in. Watch out for the icy patch. Comic Book Guy and Bart step inside and immediately fall to the ground. They look up to see Wayne skating down the hallway, the floor of which is all ice. The walls are lined with Wayne Gretzky wallpaper. They struggle to follow him, slipping and sliding their way into a room with trophy-lined shelves. There are photos and magazine covers peppering the walls, including the portrait of Wayne by Andy Warhol, and a Wayne Gretzky wall clock. The floor here is lined with rubber mats, which Wayne has crossed, still wearing his skates. Wayne sits down at a desk under a bright light, and pulls a magnifier out of the top desk drawer. He hunches over the coin as he studies it carefully. WAYNE The problem here, boys, (HE SITS UP AND LOOKS AT THEM) is that this coin is a fake! [Comic Book Guy and Bart react] (MORE)

WAYNE (CONT‘D) Yes, see here: on the obverse, the motto should say, “A Noble Spirit Embiggens the Smallest Man.” But instead, it says, “Motto Goes Here.” Plus, the date says 1964. The 100th Anniversary of Jebediah’s death was in 1938. And on the reverse, where the bear should be tearing Jebediah to shreds, the bear is actually shooting Jebediah with a musket. COMIC BOOK GUY Odd, you’d think I would have noticed that before now. BART So, how much is it worth now? WAYNE Nothing. It’s not a real coin, so it isn’t even worth the dollar. Unless it’s actual silver. (HE BITES IT) Nope. Chocolate wrapped in foil. (HE PEELS BACK THE FOIL TO SHOW THEM)

BART (GRABBING THE COIN) Yoink! (POPS COIN INTO HIS MOUTH AND SWALLOWS) Mmm. That’s the best dollar I’ve ever tasted. WAYNE Now, if you, uh, gentlemen are through wasting my time, I have some important work to get back to. He picks up a Coke and chugs it. He pulls a hamburger out of a McDonald’s bag and devours it. Then he pops a couple Tylenol and goes to lay down on the couch. He leans back onto a pillow with a Wayne Gretzky pillowcase, and pulls a Wayne Gretzky sheet up over his legs. He reaches behind his head to grab a Wayne Gretzky chocolate bar off of the end table, unwraps it, and begins munching on it. Bart and Comic Book Guy exchange glances, then turn to leave. EXT. COLLECTOR‘S HOUSE- CONTINUOUS Comic Book Guy and Bart are standing out on the sidewalk after their meeting with the collector. Comic Book Guy looks dejected; Bart looks rather content. COMIC BOOK GUY How could I have allowed this lapse in my otherwise flawless numismatic knowledge?

BART Hey, it’s not that bad. I got $75 and a piece of chocolate! COMIC BOOK GUY I believe that $75 is mine. BART You gave it to me, fair and square. Besides, I already spent it on these gauntlets. Bart lifts Comic Book Guy over his head and spins him around to demonstrate the gauntlets. COMIC BOOK GUY Oh, will this iniquitous persecution never end? A TELEGRAM DELIVERY MAN appears. TELEGRAM MAN Telegram for Comic Book Guy. Bart puts Comic Book Guy down. The Telegram Delivery Man hands the telegram to Comic Book Guy and leaves. Comic Book Guy holds up the telegram, which reads “Haw-Haw Nelson“. COMIC BOOK GUY ‘Haw- Haw?’ Oh, I hate that punk kid. He crumples the telegram and throws it away.

INT. SIMPSON‘S TV ROOM- LATER THAT AFTERNOON Bart has lifted the sofa, with Lisa and Maggie on it. Maggie is clapping and laughing as Bart tosses the sofa up and catches it. LISA Stop it, Bart! I think I’m gonna be sick. Homer walks in. HOMER Put the couch down, boy. I want to watch that show about the crime fighter with all those cool gadgets. Inspector Badger. BART There‘s no such TV show, Dad. HOMER Sure there is. With Don Adams playing the badger‘s sidekick? BART Keep dreaming, Homer. HOMER Oh. Fine, I’m going to Moe’s, then. He turns around and leaves.

INT. MOE’S TAVERN- A LITTLE WHILE LATER Moe is serving up a drink to Mary at the bar. Homer walks in. HOMER Hiya, Moe. Hey, who’s the chick? MOE It’s Mary. We met her at the wedding Saturday. Remember? HOMER Not really. (TO MARY) You must be really desperate to still be hangin’ around Moe. MARY The last guy I dated hung himself after the first night we spent together. As long as Moe’s still alive, he’s good enough for me. MOE She’s got a way with words, don’t she? Everything she says sounds like music. HOMER (SITTING DOWN AT THE BAR) Speaking of music, gimme a beer. MOE Yeah, alright.

Moe fills a mug for Homer and sets it down in front of him. Homer grabs the mug and takes a sip. MOE (CONT‘D) (TO MARY) I’ve been so happy these last few days. I’ve finally been granted another chance at happiness, and I’m not gonna let it slip by. He pulls a small jewelry box out of his pocket. MOE (CONT’D) Mary, will youThere is a commotion outside. HOMER Sounds like something exciting is happening outside! Let’s all go see. All three get up and look-alike is poised watching a GANONDORF lightning attacks at

go stand outside the bar. The Link with shield and sword in hand, LOOK-ALIKE. Ganondorf starts throwing Link, who bats them back. MOE

Well, wouldja lookit that? There‘s a fairy-boy fighting some ugly… thing. Look, Mary, a- (TURNS TO HER) Mary gets hit in the face by a tire and keels over, dead. DANE COOK-TYPE BYSTANDER Oh my God! A tire just hit that woman in the face!

MOE Oh, dear God, no! Oh, who keeps trying to prevent me from finding happiness with a woman? PAN to across the street, where AL JEAN is standing behind a bush next to a pile of tires. He shifts his eyes side to side, then runs off. Homer is still watching the scene in the street as Moe kneels over Mary. HOMER (LOOKING DOWN) Hey, what happened to her? MOE She’s dead, Homer. (SIGHS AS HE STANDS UP) They say love brings you closer to God. Well, I guess one of us is closer to God, now. HOMER Who says that? MOE Y‘know- them smart types who come up with all those sayings: ‘don’t count your eggs before they’re hatched‘, or ‘you can lead a horse to water but you can‘t make him drink‘.

HOMER Why not? Isn’t he thirsty? MOE I don’t know, it’s just a saying. HOMER But why would you lead a horse to water if he isn’t thirsty? MOE You may be thinking about this a little too much, Homer. HOMER But what is there to be gained by forcing a horse that isn’t thirsty to drink? MOE I‘m not getting into this discussion. (LEADS HOMER BACK INTO THE BAR) What the hell am I gonna do with this ring, now? HOMER Keep it for the next one. MOE What if there is no next one? I’m only getting older…

HOMER And uglier. MOE Yeah, thanks. Anyway, I wish I had kept the receipt for this thing. I should have known something was going to happen. He tucks the ring back into his pocket. MOE (CONT’D) Eh, at least I’ve always got my Maggie-bot. Moe places a small ROBOT that looks like Maggie on the bar. It begins crawling and sucking on its pacifier. Shortly, it begins to smoke and spark. The robot collapses into many small pieces. MOE (SIGHS) Well, I’ve still got my friends, right, Homer? HOMER Right. (LOOKS AT HIS WATCH) Well, I’ve gotta get home to Marge. See ya’, Moe. Moe sadly watches Homer leave. He turns to the camera. MOE Well, at least you’re still here. FADE OUT:

MOE (V.O.) Hey! Wait! Come back!… I’ll give you a free beer! … Aw, come on! He continues pleading over the credits. THE END