NASCARgot by K.C. Otenti

NASCARGOT by K.C. Otenti ACT ONE FADE IN: EXT. MOE’S- DAY Whistling is heard O.C. Shortly, Homer ambles toward Moe’s, whistling happily. He reaches the door and begins to push it open when he notices a sign on the door. HOMER Uh-oh. Moe only puts signs on the door when he goes on vacation. (LOOKS MORE CLOSELY) Hmmm. There are an awful lot of words on this sign. Moe never uses this many words. (MUMBLES AS HE READS) Moe’s… torn down… Saturday morning… Mayor Quimby… (SCREAMS) Mayor Quimby? This sounds official. Homer enters the bar and approaches Moe at the counter. He tries to act nonchalant, but it is obvious that he is nervous. Moe places a glass of Duff for Homer on the counter as Homer sits on a bar stool. MOE Hiya, Homer.

HOMER Hi, Moe. (PAUSES) Say, Moe? How come you’re letting them tear down your bar? MOE Well, Homer, I’m letting them tear down the bar because- tear down the bar? I’m not letting anyone tear down the bar! Are you crazy? Where’d you get a crazy idea like that? HOMER (POINTS TOWARDS DOOR) The sign hanging on the door. (GRABS BEER AND TAKES A BIG SWIG) It’s signed by the mayor. MOE The mayor?! That sounds official. Moe runs to the door and pulls it open to read the sign. CLOSE UP OF SIGN: [MAYOR’S SEAL] NOTICE TO PATRONS OF THIS ESTABLISHMENT I regret to inform you that Moe’s Tavern has been scheduled to be torn down at 8am Saturday morning, in accordance with an agreement with the National Association of Stock Car Auto Racing. Please refrain from being present at the hour of demolition, as the wrecking crew has been instructed to destroy everything on the premises, living or otherwise. Thank you for your compliance in this matter. [MORE]

[CONT’D] Officially yours, Mayor “Diamond Joe” Quimby P.S. I assure you that this is extremely official. CUT BACK TO SCENE MOE Oh, my bar! My poor bar! How come they never asked me nothin’ about this? I should have a say in whether my own bar gets torn down or not. I’m goin’ straight to the mayor to complain about this. HOMER Ooh! I love complaining! Can I come, too? MOE Sure. With two people against this, I don’t see how the mayor could ignore our demands. HOMER Well, if he stuck his fingers in both his ears (DEMONSTRATING) and went ‘lalalalalalalalalala-’ MOE Homer!

Homer stops vocalizing and looks at Moe. Moe shakes his head. Homer solemnly pulls his fingers out of his ears and stands quietly. MOE Now, what was I gonna do? Right- to the mayor’s office! Moe marches off screen. Homer begins to follow, then looks over his shoulder at the bar. HOMER Moe, do you think it’s a good idea to leave the bar by itself? Moe returns and stands in front of Homer with his hands on his hips. MOE What, are you gonna bring it with us? HOMER (THINKING) Well, IMOE It’s been on its own before. I think it’ll be all right. HOMER But what about-

MOE Nothing is going to happen. We’re not gonna be gone long. Now hurry up. I don’t wanna leave the bar unattended. Moe runs off. Homer shrugs and follows. INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE- A SHORT WHILE LATER Quimby is on the phone. He hangs up just before Moe comes storming in, Homer trailing along behind. QUIMBY What is the meaning of this? HOMER I believe it is a pronoun designating the person or thing mentioned or something about to be presented. QUIMBY I didn’t mean literally, you idiot. Why are you here? MOE We need to have a little chat about your plans to demolish my bar. QUIMBY There’s nothing to chat about. The deal is done.

MOE Then undo the deal. Nobody tears down Moe’s Tavern and lives to tell the tale. QUIMBY Your threats don’t scare me. You’ll have to do better than that. MOE All right, then. How’s about a bribe? QUIMBY I’m listening. MOE Uh… um, okay. Uh… I’ll give you free beer for… twenty years. (WINCES) I mean months. Days. Yeah, days. Maybe. HOMER Wow. I’d take it. He never gives free beer to anyone. Not even to his own mother when she was dying from the horrors.

QUIMBY No dice. With the compensation I’m getting for letting NASCAR tear down part of my town, I can buy all the free beer I want. MOE And what’s my compensation for having my bar tore down? QUIMBY My bodyguards won’t rough you up so much as they’re tossing you out on the street. Quimby’s bodyguards come out of the shadows and grab Homer and Moe. EXT. MAYOR’S OFFICE BUILDING Homer and Moe come flying out of the building and land on the sidewalk. MOE Wow, I ain’t never been treated so good in my life! HOMER His hands were so soft! I wonder what lotion he uses? I bet it’s Aveeno. He looks like an active naturals kinda guy.

MOE What are we gonna do, Homer? They’re tearin’ down my bar! How can I make a living? I dunno how to do nuthin’ else. HOMER What about your ‘Funk Dancing for Self Defense’ classes? MOE Ah, people kept askin’ for their money back. If you ask me, they had no business takin’ the course if they didn’t know how to handle a shotgun. HOMER Oh. Well, don’t give up yet, Moe! I have an idea! MOE Homer, I don’t need any of your crazy ideas. They never work. HOMER But this one is more dumb than crazy. My dumb ideas have a higher success rate. MOE (SIGHS) Okay. What’s your idea?

HOMER We stand in front of the bar, with some nifty, homemade protest signs, and keep them from bulldozing the place. MOE You saw the note from the mayor- they’re gonna destroy everything “living or otherwise”. I’m pretty sure we each fall into at least one of those categories. HOMER But we’ll have nifty, homemade signs! MOE Well, without my bar, I got nothin’ to live for, anyways. What’s the worst that can happen? They demolish me with the bar. It just saves me the disappointment of more failed suicide attempts. All right, let’s do it. EXT. MOE’S- SATURDAY MORNING Homer is enthusiastically marching back and forth across the storefront, pumping a sign reading “Make Tracks Somewhere Else!“ up and down, chanting “Hell, no! We won’t let you tear down Moe’s!” Moe is leaning listlessly against the building, his sign, reading “NASCAR Go!”, dangling upside down from one hand. Lenny and Carl approach.

LENNY Hey, Homer, what are you and Moe doin’ out here? HOMER Lenny and Carl! You can help us protest! CARL Protest what? HOMER They’re going to tear down our bar! Haven’t you seen the sign? Homer steps back and indicates the notice on the door. LENNY Gee, I thought Moe just put that up as a joke. MOE I wouldn’t put the mayor’s signature on a joke sign. CARL The mayor signed it? It must be official, then. HOMER That’s what we’re trying to tell you! They’ll be here any minute!

LENNY But Carl and I don’t have signs! CARL I’ll run down to the Kwik-E-Mart to get supplies! LENNY Hurry, Carl! Carl runs off. EXT. MOE’S- A SHORT WHILE LATER Carl has returned. He and Lenny are sitting on the ground, working on their signs. As they work, passersby stop to inquire about what they are doing. A few decide to join the protest. They all finish their signs just as the demolition crew arrives. The protestors lift their signs and begin to march. Some signs include: “Think of the children”, “Help cure the sober”, and “Why won’t you bring back Wagon Train?” Homer leads them in another chant. HEAD DEMOLITION GUY What the hell is this? Some kind of protest? Get outta the way! HOMER No way, man. This is our watering hole, and we’re not gonna let you destroy it to build some weenie little track so some stupid jerks can drive really fast in circles!

CARL Actually, Homer, I believe they’re called ovals. HOMER Whatever. (TO HEAD DEMOLITION GUY) You won’t get through me. HEAD DEMOLITION GUY Tough guy, eh? Well, there are ways around you, tough guy. HOMER Oh, yeah? Like what? HEAD DEMOLITION GUY (POINTING TO AN ALLEYWAY NEXT TO MOE’S) Like that alley that leads around back. (TO CREW) Let’s get ‘er done, men. The wrecking crew drives around to the back of Moe’s and begins tearing it down. Homer and the protestors variously sit, drop their signs, and hit the wall with their fist. MOE Oh, my life is over. I dunno how I’m gonna fund Mr. Snookums’ $340 a day habit now. LENNY Who?

MOE My cat. LENNY Oh. Right. CARL Your cat’s got a habit? MOE Sturgeon caviar. CARL (SUSPICIOUS) I see. MOE Hey, speaking of Mr. Snookums, anybody seen him lately? A dying-cat sound emanates from within the crumbling building. MOE Oh, Mr. Snookums! HOMER On the bright side, Moe, you don’t have to worry about funding his habit. MOE I guess you’re right. But still, my bar! After so many years, I kinda got attached to it. We had so many good times together.

MONTAGE: 1. EXT. FIELD IN ITALY- DAY The bar counter is standing in the field, watching as Moe approaches holding a basket. Moe looks up and sees the bar. He turns and walks away. (á là the Godfather) 2. INT. LARGE APARTMENT ROOM- DAY The bar is in a hospital bed, surrounded by medical equipment. There is one device attached to one of the tap handles on the bar. Moe approaches the bar and softly strokes the tap handle. (á là the Bone Collector) 3. EXT. A QUIET STREET- NIGHT The bar is standing on the side of the road in a puddle. Moe drives up to it and pulls over. The bar gets in. It sees that Moe’s apron string has broken. CLOSE UP- MOE’S SHOULDER Moe’s apron string has been tied together with a flower. (á là the Simpsons) 4. INT. MOE’S TAVERN- DAY Moe is bent down with his cheek on the counter top of the bar, his arms spread out as if he is hugging it. BACK TO SCENE A man approaches, holding blueprints for the race track. TRACK OWNER (TO MOE) Excuse me, sir. Were you the owner of this establishment? MOE Yeah, what of it?

TRACK OWNER Well, sir, I’m Jim France. My company owns this soon-to-be track. I couldn’t help but hear from your despondent wailing earlier that you are no longer employed. MOE Well, I wouldn’t call it wailing. CARL Oh, it was wailing, all right. MOE Fine. But it wasn’t despondent. CARL Whatever you say, Moe. TRACK OWNER I’d like to offer you a job at the track. MOE Wow! I’ve always wanted to be the guy that waves all those colorful flags! TRACK OWNER I was thinking more along the lines of ‘alcohol-server’.

MOE Well, I do have the experience for that. I guess I was reaching a little high with the flags. HOMER Yeah. Like you could handle the flags. MOE (THOUGHTFUL) I could use a new job, what with me not havin’ one no more. What does it pay? TRACK OWNER You’ll get $8 an hour, plus your pick of whatever the fans leave behind in the stands after the race. MOE All right! I’ll take it! LENNY I’ll bet Mr. Snookums is smiling down from heaven right now. FADE OUT END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO INT. SIMPSON DINING ROOM- SEVERAL MONTHS LATER Marge is setting out dinner for the family. Bart, Lisa, and Maggie are already seated at the table. Homer rushes in. HOMER Great news, everyone! The racetrack is open! MARGE I thought you were against the racetrack because they had to tear down Moe’s to build it. HOMER That was before they finished the track. Now it’s open and we can go watch cars crash! LISA I don’t think that’s quite the point of racing, Dad.

HOMER Well, if 43 cars aren’t travelling at almost 200 miles per hour—dodging each other, trying to win—just to crash for my entertainment, then what is the point of racing? LISA There’s a whole points system that awards drivers points based on how well they drive: if they lead a lap, if they win the race, and so on. After 26 races, the 12 drivers with the most points enter what they call “The Chase” and they compete for the series championship. BART Wow, Lis, how come you know so much about this? You’re not the sports-fan type. LISA This isn’t like football or hockey, though. It’s all very technical, which makes it interesting. For example, you can learn a lot about aerodynamics in studying the racing technique of drafting!

BART Cut it out, Lisa! Youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re ruining the sport for me! HOMER Hold on now, boy. I always enjoy a good draught after a long day at work. LISA Not beer, Dadâ&#x20AC;&#x201D;air! HOMER Oh. [BEAT] Hey, Marge, this meatloaf is pretty good. Did you do something different? MARGE Uh, yeah. I tried some new spices. Marge looks at Lisa, who is eating the same food as the rest of the family, and winks. Lisa smiles. EXT. INSIDE THE GROUNDS SURROUNDING THE TRACK- A FEW DAYS LATER The Simpsons are standing amid race fans headed to the track, to the concession stands, and to the merchandise trailers. The rumble of engines can be heard as the final practice before the race draws to a close. Homer is decked in head-to-toe officially-licensed NASCAR apparel (including a ticket holder around his neck), featuring David Reutimann. He is holding a #00 pennant and a scanner, and is wearing a headset with microphone.

MARGE I really don’t think that this is the best place for Maggie. It’s awfully loud. HOMER Marge, this is nothing! It’s going to get much, much louder when we’re in the stands and the race has started. LISA Mom, there’s plenty of stuff going on outside the track. The drivers and some of the sponsors have merchandise trailers, and there are usually contests and other activities. You and Maggie can still have plenty of fun. MARGE (MURMURS) We’ll see. You kids have fun, too. And stay out of trouble! HOMER (USHERING THE KIDS TOWARD THE TRACK) Will do. Meet later. Inside now. MARGE Well, Maggie, it’s you and me. Where do we begin?

Marge looks around at all the merchandise trailers, food stands, vendor displays, and bustling race fans. She starts down the nearest row of trailers, looking interested but overwhelmed. She approaches a Good Hands Insurance booth where several people are filling out short forms. One finishes and hands it to a person behind the booth, who gives the entrant a t-shirt. BOOTH GUY (TO MARGE) Good afternoon, ma’am. Enter to win a spot on Mark Martin’s pit crew for the day for you and a friend, and get a free t-shirt. MARGE Pit Crew? BOOTH GUY Um- the guys who change the tires, gas the car, and adjust the wedge. MARGE Wedge? BOOTH GUY That’s when they compress the spring to put more weight into a wheel on the race car. You do know what a race car is, don’t you?

MARGE (MURMURS) Yes. My family is into racing. I’m just here for the… atmosphere. BOOTH GUY Yeah, it’s a great place for babies. Well, you could sign your husband up for the contest, if you’d still like a t-shirt. MARGE (CONSIDERS) Okay. Marge fills shirt grabs

places Maggie on the counter in front of her and out the form with Homer’s name. She accepts the tfrom Booth Guy and pulls it on over her dress. She Maggie and continues on her way.

EXT. INSIDE THE TRACK- MEANWHILE Homer, Bart, and Lisa are sitting high up in the stands, just past the entrance to pit road, across from Mark Martin’s pit stall. Lisa is flipping through a program while Homer and Bart watch the pit crews, NASCAR officials, drivers, owners, and press scurry about as the cars are lined up on pit road. BART (EYEING HOMER’S OUTFIT) So, who are you rooting for, Homer? HOMER David Reutimann. He’s got a great philosophy. I’d really like to meet this ‘Burger King’.

LISA That’s his sponsor, Dad. He’s not a real person. HOMER Well, he should be. BART Well, I’m rooting for Robby Gordon. LISA Why is that? BART ‘Cos he’s NASCAR’s bad boy. He don’t take no guff from no one. Like me. Bart leans back in his seat, hands behind his head, and puts his feet up on the back of the seat in front of him. A man sits in this seat and turns to Bart. MAN Get your feet off my seat! BART (SITTING UP AND TAKING HIS FEET DOWN) Yes, sir. HOMER How about you, Lisa? What driver do you like best?

LISA I’m having a rather difficult time deciding. Homer takes the program and starts flipping through it. LISA (CONT’D) There are no female drivers, none of the sponsors are eco-friendly, and none of them are particularly attractive. HOMER (HOLDING PROGRAM UP SIDEWAYS) Oh, now, that’s not true. LISA Well, I don’t think so, anyway. I guess I’ll go with Kyle Busch, because if you rearrange the letters in his name, it spells “He’s Lucky B”. Plus, he’s kinda cute as an M&M. HOMER Mmm… melt in your mouth. (CLOSES PROGRAM AND SETS IT DOWN) Well, now that we’ve got that settled, I need a beer. You kids want anything?

BART Get me the chicken-fried steak. LISA Anything that doesn’t have meat in it. HOMER You got it. Homer makes his way down concession stand. Moe is that says “SRP”, rubbing next to him is a picture

the stands and finds the closest behind the counter, in an apron a glass with a rag. On the wall of his cat.

HOMER Hey, Moe! How’s your new job? MOE It ain’t that bad. I get a lot more customers, but as it ain’t my place, it doesn’t affect my paycheck. HOMER That’s rough. MOE Yeah, but I still get that wonderful feeling, knowing I’m helping people get drunk. Plus, they got me serving food, too, so I got to learn something new.

HOMER That works out great, because I need the biggest beer you’ve got, a chicken-fried steak, and something without meat. MOE Without meat? I don’t think we got nuthin’ without meat. HOMER Well, gimme whatever has the least amount of meat in it. Lisa will just have to eat around the meat. MOE Alrighty. Moe hands Homer a beer and two Styrofoam containers. PA ANNOUNCER Congratulations, Homer Simpson! You have won the Good Hands Insurance drawing! You and a friend will be honorary pit crew members for Mark Martin during today’s race! Homer Simpson, please report to the Good Hands Insurance kiosk!

HOMER How do I keep winning contests I don’t even remember entering? MOE Wow, Homer. Congratulations. Who you gonna take with you? HOMER Well, I’d really like to take Perez Hilton. But he never answers my phone calls. MOE Uh, right. Maybe you could take one of your kids, instead. HOMER Hmm. I suppose. My kids aren’t as interesting… but I guess they’ll have to do. See you later, Moe. Homer rushes back to Lisa and Bart. He hands them their food. BART So, Homer, which one of your children do you love so much more than the other that you're taking him—or her— to be on the pit crew with you, leaving the other alone and helpless?

HOMER When you put it that way, it makes me sound like a bad father! BART Your point? LISA It's okay, Dad. I'll be fine. Would you really trust Bart alone up here, anyway? Homer imagines Bart participating in destructive behavior of some sort. HOMER You're right. Enjoy your chicken fingers. Homer and Bart prepare to go. LISA Chicken fingers? I asked for something without meat! HOMER They didn't have anything without meat. Just eat around the chicken. LISA And how do you propose I do that? HOMER (BEAT, THEN TO BART) Let's go, boy. Homer ushers Bart away quickly.

EXT. GARAGE AREA- SHORT TIME LATER Homer and Bart are inexplicably wearing long pants and are being led by Mark Martin's PUBLIC RELATIONS REPRESENTATIVE through the garage area. Homer and Bart watch in awe as drivers (adorned with the logos of their respective sponsors), pit crew members, and NASCAR officials bustle by. They pass KASEY KAHNE's garage, where Kasey is fending off aggressive female fans. HOMER Look! It's Kasey Kahne! He's so dreamy! PR REP I can take you over to meet him, if you'd like. HOMER Hmmm...(CONSIDERS) Better not. As they continue on their way, CLINT BOWYER rushes by, bumping into Homer. CLINT (STOPS AND TURNS TO HOMER) Gee, I'm really sorry, man. HOMER That's quite all right, good sir. (TURNING AWAY AND GRUMBLING) You blowy cretin.

The PR REP takes Homer and Bart past DALE EARNHARDT JR.'s garage stall, where Junior is discussing the car with TONY EURY JR. Homer glances at them as he passes, then stops and turns back, approaching Dale. Dale and Tony stop talking and look at Homer while Homer stands there, staring at Dale. JUNIOR Can I help you? HOMER You look awfully familiar. JUNIOR (SMIRKING AND RAISING AN EYEBROW) Well, I amHOMER No, wait! I'll get it! Thinking hard, Homer tilts his head to the side. HOMER (CONT'D) That's it! (TILTING HIS HEAD FARTHER TO THE SIDE) I saw your picture in the program! You're Chip! JUNIOR Actually, it's Dale. HOMER Right. I knew it was one of those obnoxious little chipmunks.

JUNIOR (CONFUSED, POSSIBLY OFFENDED) Excuse me? HOMER You're excused. Homer walks off, leaving Junior and Tony looking confused. The trio moves on, passing KEVIN HARVICK's garage stall. Kevin is smiling profusely at his pit crew, while JUAN PABLO MONTOYA is passing by. Juan is knocked off balance by another passerby. He bumps into Kevin, who spins around, mad. KEVIN What the hell do you think you're doing? JUAN Sorry. Someone just bumped into me. I lost my balance. KEVIN It's always somebody else's fault, isn't it? Let's see how you like it. Kevin shoves Juan. Juan grabs Kevin's wrists and attempts to hold him off. Clint Bowyer runs up and tries to pull Kevin off of Juan. CLINT Happy! Calm down! Kevin finally steps back. He straightens his fire suit, turns away from Juan, and resumes smiling. PR Rep turns to Homer and Bart.

PR REP The race is going to start soon. Let's get you to the 8 pit. As they make their way to Mark Martin's pit, they pass several drivers engaging in various activities. ELLIOTT SADLER is letting a rabbit out of a cage in front of a large sign advertising Tylenol. The rabbit rushes away. MIKE SKINNER and BRIAN VICKERS appear to be having a Red Bull Drinking contest. A pile of empty cans litter the ground by their feet. A.J. ALLMEDINGER looks on wistfully. DARRELL WALTRIP walks by MICHAEL WALTRIP, who is hanging out in front of his pit stall. DARELL What’s the good word, Mikey? MICHAEL Absquatulate‘s a good word. Do you know what it means? ‘Cos I sure don’t. Sounds great, though, don’t it? Soon, the PR Rep, Homer, and Bart reach Mark Martin's pit. Mark is talking to his crew chief. PR REP Mark, these are your honorary crew members today, Homer and Bart Simpson.

MARK (SHAKING HOMER'S AND BART'S HANDS) It's great to have you on board, guys. I really mean that. My crew’s been dropping like flies. (BART AND HOMER LOOK NERVOUS) MARK (CONT’D) I’m kidding. We’ve really only lost one guy. BART (NOTICING ALL THE EQUIPMENT)This is so cool! (STARTS FIDDLING WITH EQUIPMENT) PR REP Now, don't touch that! HOMER Look, boy! We can see Lisa from here! Homer points up into the stands where Lisa is sitting alone. Homer and Bart wave. Lisa waves back. MARK Dear God, is that little girl all alone up there? HOMER Oh, don't worry, she'll be fine. She's smarter than Bart and I combined!

Bart nods. MARK Tell you what, why don't you go get her? She can join the pit crew for the day, too. HOMER No need to go all the way back up there. She's got my cell phone. Bart hands Homer a cell phone, and Homer calls Lisa. HOMER Lisa! Mark Martin says you can come down here, too, if you want! LISA Oh, I don't know. I'm really fine up here, Dad. HOMER (TO MARK) She says she's fine. MARK (GRABBING PHONE FROM HOMER AND PUTTING IT ON) Lisa? This is Mark Martin. LISA Wow, it's really a pleasure, Mr. Martin.

MARK Listen, Lisa. I'd really like it if you'd come down here where you'll be with your family. You know, you’d be the only girl on any of the pit crews here today. LISA Well… that would be pretty cool. MARK You’re darn right it would be cool. So why don’t you head on down here, then? LISA All right. I’m coming. FADE OUT END OF ACT TWO

ACT THREE FADE IN: EXT. THE OTHER END OF THE PITS- SOON AFTERWARDS Lisa makes her way towards Mark Martin's pit. TONY STEWART and DAVID RAGAN are chatting nearby as Lisa passes. Tony sees Lisa walking alone and approaches her. TONY The pits are no place for a little girl to be wandering alone. LISA Oh, I'm not wandering. I've been invited to join my dad and my brother in Mr. Martin's pit. TONY (CROUCHING DOWN) Why didn't your mom bring you down? LISA My mom didn't come. It was too loud, so she and my sister stayed outside the track. DAVID (JOINING THEM) You've been sitting in the stands all by yourself?

LISA I've been left alone in worse places. Besides, I was entertaining myself by making anagrams with drivers' names. TONY Really? What anagram do you get from 'Tony Stewart'? LISA I came up with "Tawny Otters" and "Sorta Twenty". DAVID (LAUGHING) I'm calling you "Tawny Otters" from now on. (TO LISA) Do me- "David Ragan". LISA (THINKS) "A Grand Diva". Tony bursts out laughing. David looks indignant and storms away haughtily. TONY (WIPING AWAY A TEAR) That's a great skill, being able to do that in your head. LISA (MODESTLY) Oh, well... I had to work at it.

TONY Why don't I take you to Mark's pit, and you can share some more of your anagrams? LISA Okay. Tony takes Lisa's hand and they walk away. Shortly, Tony bursts out into more laughter.

EXT. MARK MARTIN'S PIT- CONTINUOUS Lisa and Tony join the others in Mark's pit. LISA Thank you for walking with me, Mr. Stewart. TONY (CHUCKLING) Believe me, Lisa, it was my pleasure. (TURNS TO HOMER) You should be ashamed of yourself, leaving your daughter alone at a race track. HOMER I know I should be, but.... (SHRUGS) TONY There are people in the crowd that are already drunk!

HOMER She can handle drunks. How many times have you come to the bar to bring me home, sweetie? LISA (UNAMUSED) I’ve lost count. Tony shakes his head, says his goodbyes, and leaves. A short way away, Tony passes REED SORENSON. TONY Hey, Reed! I hope you’ve got your Deer Sensor On! Reed looks confused as Tony doubles over with laughter. LISA It was very kind of you to invite me to your pit, Mr. Martin. MARK You can call me Mark. And you're welcome. I hated to see you sitting alone up there. The PR Rep starts showing Homer, Bart, and Lisa how to read the telemetry and explaining the equipment. Lisa listens raptly to him as Homer and Bart goof off. PR REP (TO BART) Now, whatever you do, don’t ever touch this knob.

The PR Rep points to an important-looking knob among the equipment on the pit cart. HOMER Which one, this one right here? (HE TURNS THE KNOB) PR REP NOOO! Everyone down! Code red! The PR Rep, the pit the deck. Homer and explodes nearby and smoke clears, Homer in soot.

crew, and Lisa, looking scared, all hit Bart look around, confused. Something smoke obscures all vision. When the and Bart look tattered and are covered MARK

I’m going to have to ask you to leave. HOMER ButLISA Dad, I think we’d better go. MARK No, Lisa, I’d feel better if you stayed. (EYES HOMER WARILY) I’ll make sure you get home safely this evening. HOMER (STEPPING ANGRILY TOWARD MARK) Now, see hereTwo NASCAR OFFICIALS step between Homer and Mark, crossing their arms over their chests.

HOMER Fine. I know when I’m not wanted. (TURNS AWAY FOR A MOMENT, THEN TURNS BACK) I could just pass the tires over the wall, or something. The officials start to chase him away. Homer runs, with Bart close behind him. MARK It’s a wonder you’ve made it safely to the age of eight, living with them. LISA It’s just one of those mysteries of life. Like whatever happened to D. B. Cooper. BART (OUT OF BREATH) Where are we going? HOMER (EVEN MORE OUT OF BREATH) Right here looks good. They stop running to catch their breath. Another official approaches them. OFFICIAL (TO HOMER) Are you Luke Bryan? HOMER You bet.

BART Uh, Dad? HOMER Quiet, boy. OFFICIAL (LOOKING ALMOST SKEPTICAL) We’re ready for you. Come with me. The official leads them to the driver introduction stage. He pushes Homer toward a microphone stand as Luke Bryan is announced as today’s anthem singer. HOMER What? I don’t even know that song! The official gives Homer a funny look. HOMER (CONT’D) Uh, it must be off of my new album. OFFICIAL You are Luke Bryan, aren’t you? HOMER Of course, butOfficial gives Homer one last shove. Homer bumps into the mic stand, causing feedback to blare over the p.a. system. HOMER Um, okay. Here goes: (SINGING OFF KEY) Oh, say can you… see? By the dawn’s… rising sun.

The crowd begins to boo and throw beer cans. NASCAR officials close in on Homer from all directions. HOMER (TO BART) Cue the fireworks, boy! Bart, conveniently standing next to the fireworks machine, flicks an ominous-looking switch. There are several new explosions and much more smoke. This time, when the smoke clears, the entire infield has collapsed around them. NASCAR president MIKE HELTON approaches Homer and Bart. MIKE As the president of NASCAR, I am afraid that I’m going to have to ban the two of you indefinitely from all NASCAR events in the future. HOMER I see. And how long will this “indefinite” ban last? MIKE Indefinitely. HOMER I see. (THINKS) Well, what if I don’t want to be banned? MIKE I’m afraid you have no choice.

HOMER What are you gonna do, send more of your goons after me? They don’t scare me. Anymore. Mike turns to Dale Jr., who happens to be standing next to him. MIKE Junior, I think you know what to do. DALE Sure do. (TURNS TO SOMEONE OFF CAMERA) Laverne! Shirley! (POINTS TO HOMER AND BART) Get ‘em! Two large buffalo charge at Homer and Bart, who scream and run away. The crowd cheers.

EXT. OUTSIDE THE SPEEDWAY- MOMENTS LATER Homer and Bart rush out of speedway, followed by the buffalo. They race toward the merchandise trailers. HOMER Quick, over here, boy. Bart follows Homer as they duck behind one of the trailers. Laverne and Shirley charge past them. BART That was a pretty close one, Homer. Marge, holding Maggie, approaches Homer and Bart from the other side of the trailer.

MARGE What are you doing out here? Is the race over already? Where’s Lisa? HOMER Hiding from the buffaloes, no, and inside the track somewhere. MARGE You left my baby alone inside the racetrack? HOMER Mark Martin seemed to think she was safer with him than with me. MARGE (MURMURS) That may be true, but… HOMER Mark said he’d get Lisa home safely after the race. Where’d you get that t-shirt? MARGE I got it when I entered you in a contest. HOMER So all this is your fault!

MARGE All what? BART Home-boy here got us banned from NASCAR events for life. MARGE Oh, dear. Marge shakes her head as she turns and starts walking away. HOMER Don’t you want to know what happened? MARGE No. Although I’m sure you’ll tell me anyway. Homer and Bart follow Marge as Homer begins to tell her everything that has happened. They pass the merchandise trailer selling David Ragan souvenirs. David is there, signing autographs. He is now wearing a tiara and has a feather boa draped around his shoulders. He has a complete entourage, including an assistant, glam squad, bodyguards, and a tiara adjuster. There are fans and photographers all around. PHOTOGRAPHER David! Over here! David turns toward the photographer, striking a sexy (and rather effeminate) pose as the picture is snapped. David whispers to one of his entourage, who then addresses the crowd.

ENTOURAGE GUY (SHOOING FANS AWAY) All right, no more pictures! That’s it! Mr. Ragan has to get back to wardrobe before the race begins. David’s entourage escorts him away. David blows a kiss to his fans as he leaves. The camera view “blows” back inside the track, to the pits, where Lisa is still with Mark and his crew.

EXT. INSIDE THE SPEEDWAY- MEANWHILE MARK (TO LISA)I guess it’s a good thing you stayed here. Unfortunately, the race will be postponed until they get what’s left of the infield off the track. Tony Stewart approaches them. TONY Hey, Lisa. Since we have time, why don’t you share some more anagrams with us? LISA Sure. Give me a name.

Tony thinks for a moment. FADE OUT: THE END

DURING THE CLOSING CREDITS: Tony suggests the actors’ names as they appear on screen. TONY (V.O.) Try “Dan Castellaneta”. LISA (V.O.) “Latent Salad Acne” TONY (V.O.) “Julie Kavner” LISA (V.O.) “Juvenile Ark” MARK (V.O.) I got one: “Nancy Cartwright”. LISA (V.O.) “Can’t Wring Thy Car” TONY (V.O.) “Yeardley Smith” LISA (V.O.) “Rhyme Steadily” MARK (V.O.) How about “Hank Azaria”? LISA (V.O.) Who’s that? TONY (V.O.) Who cares? Try “Harry Shearer”. LISA (V.O.) Uh… “Harry’s… Hearer”.