Independence Peaceful September 2021
Dedication This mini memoir is dedicated to my family.
Peaceful Independence 1
Lost in a New Land
Introduction
In my family, we took care of each other. Our interactions were characterized by love and acceptance. We made sacrifices for each other. We helped each other. We listened to each other. We were there for each other. The acceptance, support and love I experienced with my family stood in stark contrast to my experiences outside of the home. When I was 28 years old, I left my home country to pursue a graduate degree in science in the United States. I was filled with high hopes and great expectations for what my study abroad experience would be. My acceptance in the program was a source of great pride for my family. I was sad to leave my homeland and family but was committed to realizing this important next step in my professional development.
The realization how different everything was in the US hit me almost immediately. Even though I had studied English for 20 years, I found it hard to decipher the sounds made in conversation. I felt awkward and uncomfortable when meeting new people. I felt confused and disoriented during the first weeks of school. Despite having traveled so far, I was longing for a sense of connection with my homeland.
To this day, I’m not sure exactly how or why everything fell apart. But that day, for the first time, the person I was closest to in the world became furious with me. Apparently, I ordered the wrong dish and, in her eyes, committed an unpardonable sin.
One day, out of the clear blue, everything changed. The three of us were attending an annual fundraising event at our church. Things were going fine until it came time to order food.
The first 9 months of life with my new family was wonderful. It was not exactly like life with my family at home, but there it was similar enough. We laughed. We smiled. We cried. We listened to each other. We helped each other We cooked for each other. We did things for each other. We went to church together. We took walks in the park together. My connection with them made me feel less alone and more alive. Peaceful Independence 2
As it turns out, there was a small group of people from my native land who lived in the city where my university was located. I remember feeling so happy and so relieved to have found others who understood me and had the same disorienting experiences. Within weeks, made new friends and I bonded closely with a couple. We would spend our nights and evenings together. We shared meals together. We went shopping together. We went to church together. We watched movies together. We talked on the phone together. We became, in many ways, a family Finding Connection
We became, in many ways, a family.
At the end of the rst semester of my second year, I was placed on academic probation I was at risk of being kicked out of my academic program The mortifying possibility I would need to return to my home country became real. My family would be so disappointed in me Peaceful Independence 3
I will never forget the pain and embarrassment I felt as Angela began screaming hysterically. Everyone turned and looked at us. I could feel my face getting warm. This would have never happened in my family But it just happed with people who I considered to be family. My heart sank. My gaze lowered. My head fell. My heart broke. For weeks following the event, I felt hurt and disappointed, in myself and in Angela. Everything I thought I understood about how friendship worked had been turned on its head. I cared deeply for both Angela and her husband but I didn’t want to be friends with someone who could be so mean to me. At the same time, I still needed her help and guidance. In this moment, I realized that I had become dependent on her in many ways. I had moved to the US on my own, but I had not become independent. Taking stock of my situation left me feeling hurt, embarrassed, ridiculed and demeaned. Overtime, we drifted apart. This created a new void in my life, one which I did not know how to fill. I became increasingly lonely and depressed. My longing to feel connected to others was so profound that the reality of not being alone was excruciatingly painful. I missed my homeland, my parents and my sisters. I missed the familiar. I missed the known. I missed the predictable. I turned inward as a pattern of self-destruction emerged. I became argumentative and recalcitrant. I rebelled against the world around me. Not surprisingly, my schoolwork began to suffer.
Seeking the Familiar
Now on academic probation, I started to question my own abilities I questioned my intellect I questioned my work ethic I questioned my values I questioned my desire to continue. I could not see it at the time, but I was redirecting the frustration and pain I felt from losing my social and emotional connections to my schoolwork I desperately wanted to talk to someone, to feel connected.
For a good 12 months, I existed largely in my own world I showed up to class physically, I didn’t engage in conversations with fellow classmates I stopped speaking to Angela and her husband. I didn’t go out. I didn’t talk to neighbors. I was completely withdrawn, with no interpersonal relationships I wanted to escape from my reality It seemed that everything was falling apart at the same time. I was not sure how much longer I could carry on this way.
My faith in His love for me was stabilizing. Life stopped feeling like a never-ending roller coaster of unpredictable events. My emotional ups and downs subsided, and I developed a sense of equilibrium. My personal wellbeing became decoupled from my interpersonal relationships. I found a sense of independence and self-confidence through my faith. I became less dependent on others and developed a sense of responsibility for my life and my choices.
Expectations
Peaceful Independence. 4
Resetting
In this dark moment, I turned to God. I decided that I would dedicate my time and energy to developing a relationship with Him. Disillusioned at not being able to depend on people, I leaned on my faith. Each day I dedicated time to reading the scripture and praying. I let go of the day to-day pressures of life and, in quiet solitude, I found a sense of connection and belonging. I made a conscious decision to spend my free time with God. He comforted me. His words soothed my soul. He guided me. Eventually, I began to feel less alone. Reading the scripture and contemplating the word of God, was enlightening. I began to understand the nature of the struggles that man has had for centuries – it was clearly illustrated in the biblical stories I read. I saw the tensions between good and evil and righteousness and iniquity played out in the lives of biblical characters.
ASetDifferentofRules
I started to understand why kindness mercy, and love were highlighted and taught as values to live by. I began to understand God’s grace as something that is not earned but given freely. God did not treat others as they had treated Him. God treated others with kindness, compassion, and forgiveness. Always. Instinctively, I knew the comfort I longed for would be found in my relationship with God. I still had a long way to go in my spiritual journey, but I could see that light and positivity had begun to find their way back into my life. My heart and mind were being healed by the peacefulness I found in my relationship with God. Over the next two years, my relationship with God deepened. As our relationship grew, so did my sense of peacefulness and acceptance. In each experience of bible study and meditation, I gained better perspective on the human experience. I understood the perfect nature of God’s love for us. I became aware of the omnipresence of God and developed trust and faith that He would not leave me or forsake me.
Connecting Two Cultures
Freeing myself of my unrealistic expectations of others increased my sense of peace and satisfaction with life. I no longer felt slighted by others because I could better understand their choices and actions I realized there are many reasons people behave as they do and none of those reasons have to do with me. My spiritual growth and development resulted in positive changes in my attitude and behavior. I began to make conscious choices to live out my Christian values and this altered how I interacted with the world and the people around me. I became quick to offer help to others, slow to judge and eager to listen and provide encouragement to others. I started to spend more time at church and developed new relationships with my fellow parishioners. As my faith matured and time passed, I gained perspective on my relationship with others. My need for connection and belonging was really an expression of my dependency. I had made my sense of wellbeing contingent on the support, advice, and direction I received from others. My spiritual growth allowed me to differentiate how and when I should rely on myself and when it was appropriate to rely on the support and approval of others. I soon realized that I expected a lot more than what people could give. No one has an obligation to help others; that is their personal choice. If I were to continue to frame my interactions with others based on an expectation that they would help and support me, I was destined to be hurt and disappointed. This led me to fundamentally change my expectations of others. No longer did I expect others to help me, care for me or be kind to me. Not everyone is willing, able or interested in living a life that is characterized by kindness, love and mercy. It also led me to change my expectations of myself. I would help others, care for others and be kind to others. And I would expect nothing in return.
Peaceful Independence. 5 Managing the dynamics of interpersonal relationships can be challenging for those who nd themselves living in a foreign country. I found comfort in connecting with others from my homeland also living in the United States Being part of this small group allowed me to feel comfortable and connected to something familiar We seemed to have the same questions, needs, fears and challenges. In retrospect, I can see how limiting my social interaction to a small group of exacerbated my sense of dependency As a group, we came to rely on each other for everything The de nitions of individual roles like friend, colleague, classmate, advisor, companion, and fellow parishioner became inextricably blurred Individual and collective responsibilities overlapped created a confusing pattern of interactions The overall dynamics of co dependency in this ethnically homogeneous group only intensi ed my tendency to be dependent on others As I grew in my independence, I began to develop new relationships with others outside of that community. In retrospect, I can see how limiting my social interaction to a small group of exacerbated my sense of dependency.
Giving With No Expectation to Receive
Peaceful Independence 6
Three years ago, I moved from New York to the Washington, DC area. As was to be expected, there was a period of adjustment as I became familiar with my new community. I have to admit that I was unsure about how the process of meeting new people would go. I have started forming new relationships and am grateful for the small group of friends I have established. Some of my friends are American and some are from my homeland. Some of my friends are Christian and others have a different faith. None of my friendships are based on a set of expectations of what others will do for me.
I continue to try to live out my Christian values. I am quick to try to help others, be kind, compassionate and supportive. I give freely of myself without the hope of receiving anything in return. I continue to strengthen my relationship with God, finding strength and guidance in the scripture and prayer.
Of course, there are still times when I feel sadness, frustration, and anger when things don’t go as planned and when I’m faced with a problem I can’t solve on my own. These negative feelings quickly fade away when I realize that everyone faces challenges in life. I remind myself of my own strength, abilities and
Thrindependence. oughmyfaith and personal growth, I have found happiness and acceptance with myself. I don’t set expectations for others behavior, only for my own. My life has balance and equilibrium. I have shed my dependency, learned to understand interdependence and embraced my own independence. I am still reserved and cautious as I form new relationships. I am slow to open myself up and pace interactions and experiences in ways that promote interdependency. I am intentional about maintaining clarity around roles and boundaries that define my relationships. Today I chose to do all I can for others. I willingly give 120% of myself to help someone else. I do so joyfully and expect nothing in return. If someone happens to reciprocate, I am greatly appreciative. I don’t keep track of how much I give, but I do silently note the kindness of others. To me, it matters is that I live a life characterized by kindness, mercy, and love.
I accepted my vulnerability.own
