More Than Content by juliakeleher

More than content October 2021

Onefindingjournesoldier'sytojoy.

Dedication This mini memoir is dedicated to Miles Vigil.

Conditions in Afghanistan were difcult. We slept in tents. There was no AC. There was no running water we had a cistern based system. We pulled up buckets of water to take showers. There was no cafeteria; we were responsible for making our own meals I formed some of the most meaningful bonds in my life with the guys in my unit We were a group of 12, two gun sections and an FDC all from different places across the United States. We lived in close quarters, we rotated responsibilities for overwatch, and we executed missions together We came under attack almost every day Fortunately, we all survived We faced an extraordinary amount of conict during our tour in Afghanistan We relied on each other, and we took care of each other. When we weren’t on duty, we’d do the things that friends do in normal circumstances. We’d crack jokes, watch movies, and share stories.

Thatwastheonlypartthatfeltreal. What I saw during those 12 months in in Kandahar and Khost changed me. 3 I chose to leave school and enlist in the military after 9/11. Three years later, I found myself in Afghanistan. At 20 years old, I was completely unprepared for what awaited me in that far away land.

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We landed in Afghanistan late one afternoon in 2004 I remember stepping off of the C 130 and looking off into the distance. So far from my childhood home in Colorado, I was surprised to see the outline of the Baba Mountain Range in the Hindu Kush. At the time, I didn’t know its name I just knew it reminded me of the Rocky Mountain views I had seen growing up The sun was going down and cast a golden orange haze over the mountain range. Seemingly out of nowhere, several helicopters appeared. In seconds, what seemed like a familiar sight had been transformed. The choppers’ silhouettes peppered the tranquil scene, transforming it and creating a sense of suspended reality It was as if I had been transported to lm production set It was the opening scene of a movie that lasted for the next seven years. Intense. Extreme. Dangerous.

The only way to survive is to detach from the reality. Like a Movie It’s hard for anyone anticipate the experiences you have when you are deployed Each place is different and comes with its unique set of risks. There is no corollary in civilian life. There is a constant, overriding sense of impending danger. Life took on a sense of being surreal Our daily lives were lled with events that were the stuff that movies are made of Intense Extreme Dangerous The only way to survive is to detach from the reality. 4

IT WAS A MOVIE WITH NO ENDING. AND NO DIRECTOR.

I shared some of the scenes with fellow soldiers. We walked up to a damaged truck to nd the corpse of an Iraqi contractor who was transporting supplies.

As I lived it, I felt like I was watching a movie. As I became desensitized to the affronts of combat, the movie scenes became familiar It was as if I watched myself run to designated location whenever the air raid siren sounded. I saw myself inch instinctively whenever I heard the ear piercing whistle of incoming rocket re. I watched myself stand silently for hours atop a 75 foot tower with a sniper rie on the lookout for anyone who might be placing an improved IED

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The shot moves from the lone bullet that struck his windshield to the hole in the center of his head My unit heads out on mission to collect the remains of soldiers who had been killed when their truck drove over an IED We stare in awe at the deformed vehicle, surrounded by bodyless limbs. I nd a boot that still has a foot in it. I pick it up and carry it to the collection site It was a movie with no ending and no director. 5

Human beings display the ght or ight response when they perceive life threatening danger. After months of daily exposure to life threatening conditions, I think I might have exhausted my capacity for this protective response. Instead, my sense of detachment from my surroundings grew I lived in a place where my life was in danger constantly And there was nothing I could do to protect myself I was surrounded by danger, violence, and death To cope with these extremes of exposure to traumatic events, my mind shifted perspective It was impossible to comprehend the things that were happening around me. There is nothing comparable to this in civilian life. Much like watching a movie, you get emersed in the action, sympathize with the characters, and hope for a good ending.

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In truth, my sense of reality had been suspended Unprotected 4 In a way, joining the military is like joining a family New recruits go through basic training together When members of a unit deploy, they accept uncertainty and embrace challenges together Just like brothers do, soldiers roughhouse, tease one another and sometimes “borrow” each other’s things The borrowing doesn’t always work out so well One day my friend Jones “borrowed” our tentmate’s Skittles All hell broke loose Overall, we share a sense of connection, we look out for each other, we trust each other, and we rely on each other. When you are in country, all you have is each other. We ght as one. When this bond of trust is broken, it is devastating. One of the most traumatic events of my time in the military occurred when we failed to ght as one

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The deafening boom of the explosions was followed by a deafening silence Noise induced hearing loss is one of the effects of exposure to loud sounds that damage the inner ear But no one was saying anything anyway No one moved We were in shock Time froze momentarily When the haze, dust and smoke cleared, I looked around I felt like I was looking at a photograph I don’t know if it was seconds or minutes that passed but eventually the still photograph came to life We looked at ourselves, we looked at each other, we assessed the damage No loss of life Our protective vests caught the shrapnel Wrong Place, Wrong Time

Something changeswithin youwhenyou survivea near-death experience. Yourealizeyour ownmortality.

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As part of one of our missions in Afghanistan, my unit and I had left the base and were out in the middle of desert outside of Khost At the same time, the Air Force Bomb Disposal Unit (AFBDU) was in the same area We were unaware of each other’s presence

As fate would have it, the AFBDU decided to blow up a cache of bombs and weapons they had discovered As we moved past the site, they remotely released a rocket and detonated the cache The explosion boomed and my unit was shocked, stunned, dazed, terried and most importantly, surprised We had no idea our lives were at risk We had no notice of the AFBDU’s mission

The reality that I had nearly died because of an accident changed me. After that day, nothing much mattered to me anymore The intensity of the physical, emotional, and psychological effects of being in battle left me numb. Everyone who experiences violence suffers in some way. Individual reactions are likely to differ as each person has their own way of trying to process the overwhelming ood of feelings these events provoke. As unlikely as it may sound, I landed on a sense of contentment. Simply stated, I had no wishes, expectations or needs. There was no range of emotions that comes with achieving something or losing something. There was no joy, no anger, no frustration, no satisfaction. There were just days and nights, missions and movie watching, offensive attacks and defensive maneuvers. 5 Becoming Numb

SAACONTENT:STATEOFTISFACTION.

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FULFSATISFACTION:ILLMENTOFONE'SWISHES,EXPECTATIONS,ORNEEDS.

Something changes within you when you survive a near death experience. You realize your own mortality Some of us cried Some of us sat silently Eventually someone broke the silence by cracking a dark joke Some of us laughed Some of us started to get up Eventually, we all got up, and got back to the mission We never talked about what happened

My subconscious mind tried to process what my conscious mind could not One night, I had a dream that our unit was under attack In my dream, our base had an artillery unit In reality we did not have one In my dream, the artillery unit was shooting “out” that means they were shooting AT US. In my dream, the rounds were landing all around me. I was under re but calm, cool, and collected My dream was interrupted by my section chief kicking the bottom of my bunk He was yelling for me to move we were under attack There literally were rounds landing outside my tent Shaking off sleep and intentionally forcing the remnants of my dream to the far corners of my mind, I got up, grabbed my rie, and moved into position to begin returning re. I didn’t feel anything. I come from a family with a long history of military service My grandparents on both sides served as did my grandmother and my father was in the Army during the Vietnam War. Fortunately, he was stationed in Germany and did not experience conict. Growing up, I was surrounded by people who believed in America and who valued the idea of sacricing for one’s country Despite this deep sense of patriotism, my father was not thrilled by my decision to join the military He supported me, nonetheless Love of Country and Family

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When I was 10 years old, I had the devastating experience of nding my older sister hanging from the tetherball pole. She had been playing outside by herself and, somehow, the rope had gotten wrapped around her neck. The moment I found her is engrained in my mind. That was the rst time I experienced time standing still. At ten years old, the scene before me was almost incomprehensible.

Startled, I yelled to my other sister who was in the house to call the ambulance. I untangled my sister, the ambulance came, and she was rushed to the hospital.

At ten years old, the scene before me was almost incomprehensible. 8

As time passed, my mother and father delt with the painful loss of a child as best they could. My mom leaned more on therapy. My dad turned to alcohol. For years, I kept the pain of my sister’s death locked inside me. I didn’t talk about it.

I am the youngest of five children and grew up in Westminster in Colorado. I played sports from a young age, starting wrestling at age four) and judo shortly thereafter Both sports require athleticism, technical skill, and discipline.

I excelled at both. By elementary school, I also played football. I was a diligent child and enjoyed working and physical activities more than academic endeavors. I looked forward to the summers when I could work at the construction site with my dad.

Three days later she was taken off life support and died. My family was never the same. In the beginning we went to therapy as a family. I remember sitting silently through the sessions. It was as everything was happening around me and I was watching it. Almost like a movie.

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From the 50,000 foot perspective, the Armed Forces sees human beings as tools Each soldier is a tool used to gain strategic or tactical advantage. To dominate, military forces need sharp tools. There is no place for a damaged tool. How does one become identied as a damaged tool? You report a physical injury You report symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) You express your feelings You ask for help You are honest when you ll out the 10 question survey, they give you when you return from combat. No one wants to be designated a damaged tool Damaged tools are removed from the group For a soldier, that’s like being separated from family You lose the connection with the only people who know what you have seen and felt. You lose your sense of purpose in the world. You lose your denition of self. You have to face hard questions about what to You compartmentalize.

There is no other way to get through it. Undiagnosable do with your life and how to build a career You are left alone with your memories During the last few months of my tour in Afghanistan, I was injured. At the time, I thought it was a pulled hamstring. Since we had no hospital and no imaging capabilities where I was in country, there was no way for me to know the injury was far more serious In actuality, I had a herniated disc But just as my emotions had become numb, so had my ability to feel physical pain It hurts, but you push past it. You don’t acknowledge it. You compartmentalize. There is no other way to get through it. After returning from Afghanistan, I got treatment for my back The military wanted to “med board” me out meaning separate me from service due to a medical condition I fought it I knew my unit was going to Iraq I wanted to go with them. I needed to go with them. 4

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In the summer of 2005, I deployed to Iraq. The base conditions here were far better than those in Afghanistan and the attacks were far less frequent It was during my time in Iraq that I started to realize the effects of PTSD It was as if my mind had become calloused Beyond the numbness I felt, my mind stopped fully registering what was happening. One night, I was in my trailer watching Rocky IV. The musical score played as Val Kilmer trained in a Russian gym The air raid siren sounded I didn’t move I was not sure where to go, what to do, or how to feel A new type of numbness set in as I lled my time frequenting the bars of downtown Denver Around this same time, my then girlfriend, who I subsequently married, had had enough of my erratic and self destructive behavior. She decided to leave Colorado and moved to Pennsylvania In the summer of 2007, my friend from high school and I went to a Rockies game That Saturday, we started drinking at 1pm. The night didn’t end until 2am. I don’t remember much of the evening hours as I had blacked out What I do remember was being in the back of a police car handcuffed. My friend had been taken to the hospital. We had gotten into a ght 5 Flipping the Switch When your tour ends, you leave one altered reality and return to another Returning soldiers have more money than they could possibly spend They have not been able to spend their salary while away and they have earned hazard pay. When I returned from Iraq, I was given 4 days leave. This turned into 4 days of unhealthy living and partying. Soldiers are not given any direction regarding how they transition back to civilian life When I left the service, I moved back to Colorado I had no job No degree No friends No support system

I decided then and there that I needed to get myself together I heard a radio ad one day about the Wounded Warrior Project. I called, connected with an outreach coordinator, and started attending events. They provided structure and guidance. They asked me important questions and provided supports to help me nd my own answers

The arresting ofcer was a retired Marine Corps veteran. He had served in Desert Storm. He saved my life. He told me, “You didn’t get through war to be in the back of my cop car. You are better than this”. Thankfully he didn’t arrest me They held me overnight and kicked me loose in the morning, once I was sober I stopped drinking No Longer Numb When I found out that my girlfriend was pregnant, I moved to Pennsylvania, and we repaired our relationship I started working for a local company selling liquid gas to local schools and hospitals Life seemed to be nding a new normal I continued to remain in contact with my buddies from Afghanistan and Iraq. In August of 2010, we had a mini reunion of sorts. A fellow solider had gotten married and we all attended It was great to see everyone We share a bond and an unspoken connection that will last forever Three months later, I got a call from the ancé of one of my buddies. He had killed himself. Turns out that was the rst of a few who turned to suicide to escape their pain.

“You didn’t get through war to be in the back of my cop car. You are better than this”.

1 1 C R E A T I N G A C O L O R P A L E T T E

For the next ten years, I worked tirelessly but happily to support veterans I faced some challenges in nding the right role in the beginning But as with most things, perseverance and continued effort brings results I applied for a position as the Veteran Advocate for a member of the US House of Representatives from New York. Her brother served in the Marine Corps, and she had rsthand experience with the challenges that military members face when they transition back to civilian life. The role requirements included a 10% disability, having been deployed, and non traditional retirement From the beginning I knew this role was for me Every month, for six months, I called to follow up on the status of the selection Filled with excitement and purpose, I came up with a plan. I found the town that was mid way between our two locations, called the local Veterans’ Service Agency and asked if we could use a conference room They said yes I called the District Director back and suggested the location Igotthejob.

1 2 M o r e T h a n C o n t e n t

Finally, the District Director contacted me to schedule an interview. At the time I was living in Pennsylvania and the role was in Syracuse, NY Noting the physical distance between our respective locations, she asked me “What are we doing to do?” “Letmegetrightbacktoyouonthat, Ma'am, Isaid. The most important question they asked me “What are your plans?”

I could feel something. I had a sense of pain and sadness. The loss of my fellow soldiers, my brothers in arms, my best friends penetrated the hardened shell I had developed Feelings started to emerge I was no longer numb Continued Service “To make sure no one else kills themselves,” I said quite matter of factly.

“I remember saying to myself, ‘Thisguygot something’ , the District Director told me

Hearing this, I thought back to the retired Marine Corps veteran who arrested me that night. If he had arrested me, none of what had happened in the last year would have been possible I am forever indebted to him for his kindness, compassion, and foresight Even though we weren’t on the battleeld, he protected me.

Over the next twelve months, I had come alive I did everything and anything I could to help returning Veterans I found purpose and a sense of connection in my work. I sympathized and empathized with my fellow servicemen and women. I got a rush of endorphins every time something I did made someone else’s’ life better I joined boards, I developed networks, I expanded the scope of the role as much as I could The House Member lost her seat in 2012 When I left that position, they told me the reason they selected me. It was because I found the conference room.

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When the House Member was not reelected, I lost my job My healing process began when I started to do work that helped fellow Veterans I knew I needed to continue this important work Fortunately, I was able to transition to a position with the nonprot organization whose board I had joined. I was there rst full time employee. Over the next 6 years, I worked with leadership to grow the organization from a staff of 1 to a staff of 35 Our budget grew from $250,000 to $2 5 million More importantly, the number of veterans and veteran families we helped grew. Slowly but surely, I was becoming anything but content with life. I was passionate I was engaged I was excited I was committed I was hopeful I felt the pain of other soldiers I was inspired by their courage I was moved by their struggle I was proud of their determination. My senses had returned. My mind and body were responding to stressors. Embracing Emotion In 2018, I completed my undergraduate degree Shortly thereafter, I enrolled in the George Bush Leadership Program I had created a viable career path for myself and found fulllment and purpose in my work Life took on a sense of being surreal. Our daily lives were lled with events that were the stuff that movies are made of. Intense. Extreme. Dangerous. The only way to survive is to detach from the reality.

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4 The COVID pandemic has been a traumatic experience for most people. For me, it triggered the onset of emotional and psychological distress that manifested with physical symptoms. All of sudden I began having moments when my mind would go blank, and waves of heat would rush across my body Yes, it was scary to experience this But I was glad I was actually experiencing it. Controlling Triggers

1 5 M o r e T h a n C o n t e n t

Today, I know how to care for myself as well as care for others. Both are important. In both, I nd joy, satisfaction, and hope for the future

My senses had returned. My mind and body were responding to stressors. These feelings led me to take a big step forward in my own recovery I contacted the Veterans Administration and began the painful, but rewarding, work of therapy Through this process, I have come to better understand myself, my feelings, and my experience of trauma. I am grateful for the patience, genuine concern, empathetic care, and expertise my therapist has provided. I have come a long way as a result of my treatment and am now able to process feelings and emotions I am working through the painful memories of the past that I had pushed aside in order to survive the reality I was living