Unpacking life's paradoxes and nding the winds of self-growth
Finding Ful llment
October2021
Dedication This mini-memoir is dedicated to my grandchildren.
As I went through life, it seemed like I was simply checking o the boxes on a list of items of things that I “should” attain. If I stuck to the list, I would surely not do the wrong thing and would feel like a productive member of society. All of the items on my list were considered good things to accomplish. .
Over time, I realized that the items on my checklist were not ful lling My list didn’t re ect my hopes, my dreams, my interests or my talents mostly because I never de ned those things for myself. The items on the list were simply things that I thought I needed to do or achieve because the people that I admired had or achieved these things: having a family, a career, owning a home, and being in a position to be upwardly mobile. That’s not to say that I was unhappy or sad about life. In general, I think I have always had a sense of realistic optimism and an ability to overcome. That said, I couldn’t shake the fear of doing the wrong thing. In my mind, there was a universal standard for both the right thing and the wrong thing. If you did the wrong thing, you would face disappointment, alienation, and criticism from others. However, ironically, if you did the right thing your reward was not much di erent from doing the wrong thing. I have come to a conclusion that I have devalued my own sense of selfsatisfaction and gave priority to what others would think. I didn’t ask myself the question, “What do I care about??” I listened to and observed the world around me to try to nd guidance about what my purpose should be.
Contradiction in terms 01
tTheyseemedohaveaplan. 02
My list was informed by my life experiences and how I understood what the world expected from me. As I matured, I added in items that re ected the advice and recommendations of the people that I met along the way whom I respected. This created an undeniable and unrelenting tension in my life. At times it felt like I was the only one struggling with this tension My peers, both in school and in the workplace, seemed to be driven by a clear sense of purpose They had a clear outline for how they would navigate life; they had a pathway. It has taken almost the entirety of my adult life to unpack this paradox I liked the safety of coloring in between the lines, but I walls and living a more passionate life. They were taking risks and getting rewards while I stayed in my comfort zone and did all right. The equilibrium between these two points eluded me It made it di cult to discover my purpose in life to feel ful lled and a sense of belonging. Lack of clarity about my own purpose did not keep me from striving to live a good life I have been fortunate in many ways; I have two wonderful children, meaningful and supportive relationships, a long career of gainful employment, and good health. The challenge for me was to be able to nd meaning and purpose in the di erent aspects of my life When purpose lacks, there’s an internal longing that’s never satis ed.
Family Values 03
My mother and I have a close relationship and have always respected her. In many ways, she shaped me into the woman that I am today. My mom and I are only 20 years apart. I think as I grew older she felt that she could con de in me more, but my mom has always been very private. So when she con ded in me that she may be unhappy with my dad and asked if I would live with her if she left my father, without hesitation I said, “Yes.” Not, yes, because I wanted her to leave my father, but, yes, to her independence because that’s what she thought she might want. I am just recently realizing that I have always loved watching people succeed. Note to self: make sure you can take care of yourself. After I was grown and on my own my mother divorced my dad and did very well on her own. I think I was subconsciously aware that being independent would have merit for me.
Looking back now I can see how the experiences of my early childhood shaped me and in uenced the choices I made. As a young girl, I observed my parents’ relationship. At some point, I decided that it was best to be independent. I was fortunate to have a to stay at home mom. Although my mom was paramount in supporting my father’s business, her situation still seemed to create a sense of dependence on him.
Lesson: Take care of your family.
My grandfather was the person with whom I always felt that I could be my authentic self I owed him nothing I didn’t have to be a nice girl or diplomatic. I did have to be respectful, but I could speak my mind. I could tell him no without the awkwardness that I feel with so called friends. He never tried to change me and he was not judgmental, even if my opinion di ered from his. No matter which of my thoughts or ideas I shared with him, he’d nd some kind of common ground. I knew I could tell him anything and that was comforting. I’d often ask him about things I had heard or observed that didn’t seem to make much sense. He didn’t have all the answers but he taught me that people have di erent ideas and that’s ok. “That’s life”, he’d say. My grandparents had a special role in my life. All of them worked hard, had their homes, and could move independently in the world. Each one of them impressed on their children and their grandchildren the expectation that we would be “good” people People who worked hard and took care of our families Each one of them were loving and supportive None of them spoiled me especially, but I always managed to feel special All of the grandchildren did on both my mother’s side of the family and my father’s side of the family I was blessed with strong support system
Lesson: Be self su cient. Get a job and do it well. 04 Eventually, my mom entered the workforce and her world expanded. My father, now retired from more than two jobs, worked for socialization. Their jobs were important to them and they both had long careers, moving up or expanding over time, but they just had a job—no passion from what I can tell. They went to work, came home, enjoyed the weekends with family and friends every week until they retired.. No one talked about nding rewarding work, no one mentioned a sense of selfactualization or pride. .
Lesson: Learn to be tolerant:.
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05 My childhood experiences helped me to want to be a strong person of good character and con dent in my own abilities But the fear of making mistakes and the burden of mistakes made set me up to think that there was just one way forward Successfully navigating life with fear packed in my luggage did not include personal satisfaction.
AllCommittedAtCosts
As an adolescent, I was an average student I enjoyed learning new things. I especially like English and science. Eventually, I was able to hold my own at integrating logic and facts to draw conclusions I found this kind of learning challenging, but enjoyable. As a young adult, I envisioned myself working in forensic science or writing a script. I loved the idea of guring a mystery or seeing my thoughts on a movie screen. I had no real plan when I graduated high school. It was disconcerting to be around others who were so clear about their pathway, so articulate about their ambitions and so decisive about their goals. Seeing the merit in their logic, and at the recommendation of my Guidance Counselor, I signed up for classes at the local community college. After one semester, I decided that going to work would be better for me. The whole college experience seemed to be an exercise in getting nowhere fast The classes seemed to drag on interminably and with no clear plan for its use, the content seemed disconnected from my everyday life I was eager to do things, for my adult life to begin. I was propelled by an internal desire to get on with the business of having a life and I needed to gure out what that meant.
06 I considered what I learned at home and looked around for clues. What’s success? Who’s successful? What do successful people have? Family. Job. House. Car. I had the beginning of my checklist. As an adult, I realized that I still loved knowledge. Knowledge the understanding that comes from the integration of practical and theoretical education or experience. The process of generating knowledge was gratifying for me. Engaging in mental, cognitive and a ective e ort needed to create knowledge was rewarding. The reward knowing something so deeply and thoroughly that it becomes a part of who you are. To me, knowledge is more valuable than money or material assets. Knowledge is something that cannot be taken away from you. It fosters a sense of con dence and surety. As surprising as it may seem, the items I wound up including on my checklist were not rooted in the use of logic, guring things out, or gathering knowledge. Instead, they were abstractly de ned in terms of a place, a role or a salary I didn’t realize it at the time, but my checklist led me down a path that prevented me from focusing on my strengths and cultivating my interests. My checklistwas useful, however, in making sure I lived up to the personal standards that I inherited or bought into throughout my journey. There are two principles that I have never deviated from: Being self su cient and being tolerant. The checklist seemed to be oriented around these principles, without respect for what I liked, what was most valuable to me, what I was interested in or what I found intrinsically motivating.
Knowledge is something that cannot be taken away from you
As surprising as it may seem, the items I wound up including on my checklist were not rooted in the use of logic, figuring things out, or gathering knowledge 07
07 AJoborACareer Ihaveworkedmyentirelife.I gotmy rstjobat15,workingin aretailstore.Icouldn’twaitto getmy rstworkpermit. I enjoyedworkingandthe relationshipsIformedwithmy coworkers.Someofmybest memoriesaretheonesofme listeningtothestoriesthatthe adultswouldshare.Looking back,someofthetopicsof conversationswereprobablynot appropriatefora15yearold girl.Butthoseconversations helpedmerealizehowmuchI enjoyedlisteningtoand observingpeopleIlearnedalot fromthosefolks. Ineach conversation,Iwasgathering cluesaboutlife. Evenwiththechecklist,itwas notalwayseasytoliveuptomy standards.Attimes,itwas extraordinarilydi cult.Not havingenoughmoneytomake endsmeet,stayinginjobsI didn’tlike,toleratingunequal treatment Ipushedthrough thosemomentsbecauseIwas committedtobeingself su cient. Workingfulltimewhileraising twoboys,withnosigni cant other,andpreparingchildrento liveinaworldwherethecolor ofyourskincangetyoukilled Iembracedeachofthose challengesbecauseIwas committedtoimpressingonmy childrenthatitwasa requirementtobeself su cient.
Over the next ve years, I held a variety of di erent jobs. In each one, the same pattern held true I did my best at work, taking my responsibilities seriously and ful lling expectations. I had cordial relationships with my coworkers and continued to listen and observe those around me. With each position, I was on a fact nding mission to determine what were the right things to do in life. Indeed, some of the items I put on my list came from these formative experiences My rst professional position was in a bank at age 18 Right after my rst son was born, I was o ered a position at a government agency with the help of an old acquaintance. By the time I was 22, I was in the process of being separated and pregnant with my second child. Bank job check. Marriage check. Better job check. Things were not perfect, but I was working my way through my list Next on the list a better position. Which position? It didn’t really matter. Just a better position, with better pay or better bene ts. I worked for the next 30 years in various positions adding new items and checking them o my list as I went I saw each new position as a new opportunity to move up. But I never saw each new position as an opportunity for growth. At the time, I thought that new position or promotion meant growth. It doesn’t. That is not to say I didn’t learn something from every position. I did. However, there was no continuity across these experiences and there was no apparent connectivity between the discrete capabilities that I acquired in each role My career progression didn’t have a sense of purpose or intentionality. There was no career pathway. I just moved from one role to the next, without using the opportunity to develop myself as a professional. For over two decades, I never asked myself, “What do you want?” and “How will this opportunity get you there?’ I just used my knowledge, skills, and abilities to do my best, followed all the rules, and looked for an opportunity that would give me a hint of what I could do to have real satisfaction.
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They were intentional.
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I always told my children to be true themselves and know what it is they want from this life People only want what they want without regard to others and if you don’t know what motivates you, people will prey on you to get their own sel sh needs met. I said that, but I hadn’t been able to live that fully. I had moments, but I also had fear Fear of speaking my mind and being stuck in a very toxic environment that I needed in order to continue having my boxes checked Throughout my career, my investigation of life continued. I persevered in my observations of those around me, looking and listening for clues that would illuminate the right course of action and steer me clear from the wrong things. I remember feeling that some of my peers and I existed in two di erent realities For them, their professional development seemed to follow a clear pathway meaning my peers who actually put in the work They were intentional about how they transitioned from one position to another and I was always in awe of them Following the rules and doing the right thing only gets you to the next job. I also had a constant fear that moving too quickly to the next job could possible me get me in a position of doing the wrong thing even though I wasn’t exactly sure what the wrong thing ever was. I knew enough to realize that the “wrong thing” could be anything that rocked the boat, created con ict, or upset the powers that be. However, I didn’t realize until later, that the wrong thing is also not being truthful to yourself and allowing the fear of rocking the boat, creating con ict, and upsetting the powers that be to put their sel sh needs on me with any regard.
No one goes into the workplace having all the answers We learn as we go and we bene t from the guidance of others when faced with complicated problems or need to make di cult decisions.
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Relationships
PersonalGrowth
For me, my professional development didn’t include personal growth and intentional skill development. I wasn’t developing a deep body of knowledge or speci c expertise I was focused on what was in front of me learning what I needed to in order to do my job well or to ll a void in the agency. I was not thinking about how my current role could transition into a future role. I was not intentionally developing a solid foundation of core competencies that that would be ful lling and move me to the level of my choosing As a result, I am disconnected from my some of my peers. Our pathways developed di erently and that creates a sense of detachment I watched, observed, and even assisted, but our experiences seemed to be so di erent from each other. We were both trying to get somewhere the di erence was they knew where they were trying to land and I was just trying to move forward I never felt less capable or less competent than may peers I just could not gure out how to reconcile my need to increase the number of checkmarks on my list with their ability toto realize their well thought out plans and have what appears to be ful lling careers
Some of the most enriching and meaningful experiences I had in my career were a result of the relationships I developed with peers and supervisors. The perspectives, insights and recommendations that these individuals shared with me transformed me They challenged me to think di erently and provided me with an opportunity to realize I was capable of much more than what I thought. In retrospect, I can see that each of these people saw something in me that I did not see in myself They shifted my focus o of my checklist and, in doing so, gave me permission to delve into my work in ways that were meaningful and rewarding.
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"Ifeltful lled andfounda sense ofpurpose in my life"
There were three supervisors who, each demanding in their own way, pushed me to exceed my own expectations for learning and performance. They set clear performance outcomes and goals and left it to me to achieve them. That is not to say that they were unsupportive. They were. But their hands o approach communicated their belief in my ability to do something I had never done before. They were con dent in my ability to learn, my ability to acquire knowledge, my ability to use logic to design solutions. They were sure of my capacity in moments when I doubted myself. They all worked hard almost too hard. But the e ort they put into their work inspired me to put extra e ort into my work. In these moments I was working for the satisfaction of solving a problem motivated to expand my skillset because I felt like I was supporting an overall mission. The work I was doing was not connected to my position, I was leveraging my skills to make an important contribution. When I was working with these people, I was not worried about doing the wrong thing. I was not worried about doing the right thing, I was simply doing my thing – and doing it to the best of my ability and being appreciated for what I brought to the table. When I moved on from these positions, there was no item for me to check on my list. Later in my career there were other people that also fostered my personal and professional growth in meaningful ways. These experiences were slightly more intimidating because, now that I had over a decade of experience, there was less sca olding available to support my learning. be the reason for your motivation.
Early in my career, I had the good fortune of working for several executives who chose to put me in once in a lifetime situations. I attended important meetings with political leaders, listened in on senior level discussions, and provided policy analyses that informed key decisions that impacted millions of people. These executives trusted me with complex and important tasks, they showed con dence in my ability to research issues and think through solutions. They guided me and exposed me to opportunities to learn. In those moments, I felt ful lled and found purpose in my work. In these moments I felt I was developing critical skills that I could bring to bear in future positions.
You
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Working with these supervisors was scary in the sense that I was working outside of my comfort zone. But I was not afraid. I was not worried about doing the wrong thing. I felt in control of my work, capable and competent. I raised questions, voiced concerns and o ered alternate points of view. I was using my talents and intellect to solve problems and I felt valued as a result. I liked the ability to make mistakes in a safe space and at the end see real growth.
There were three other individuals who had a signi cant impact on me throughout my career. Each of them helped me see things I could not see all in very di erent contexts. 1 The rst person opened my eyes to how racism affects individuals and society. My awakening to the impact of racism happened gradually through dialogue, discussion, reading and questioning. Over time, I began to recognize the implicit and explicit ways that those in power limit the interests and opportunities of others. This perpetuates inequality and creates unfair advantages for some. I’m grateful for the guidance and instruction I received; my new awareness was not one of anger but one of righteous indignation. I came to understand that there are structural inequities built into society and, becoming aware of them, is the rst step to overcoming them. Racism 2 Another person opened my eyes to my own abilities. Throughout my life, it had been di cult for me to recognize my own strengths and abilities. While I was con dent in myself overall, there were many things that I viewed as things that others do, not as things I would, could or should do. With her constant encouragement and willingness to make me confront my concept of self. Sometimes she reminded me of things I knew about myself but had forgotten. Sometimes she would point to my past successes so I could con rm my own abilities for myself. It didn’t matter whether it was related to a personal or professional issue, she was always there, rooting me on, helping me to let go of fear and doubt about doing the wrong thing. Abilities
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Another person helped me see where I was selling myself short. She displayed a genuine interest in me, what I thought, how I thought, what I felt and how I viewed the world. She was skilled at probing gently and leading me to uncover for myself what I was valuing. She’d challenge me to invest in myself and move past super cial indicators of success. In other words, she saw right through the items on my checklist. In her eyes, and later in my own, I was a person who was capable of great things, but I was not utilizing my full potential. She encouraged me to make commitments to myself about things that would bring long-term satisfaction. She would check on me now and again just to see how I was doing.
Values Up until then, that was only something I watched other people do.
The items on my checklist didn’t require me to recognize the impact of structural racism. They didn’t push me outside of my comfort zone or require me to question my abilities. The checklist was useless as an indicator of my abilities. It included a series of things to achieve or acquire but it didn’t give me a sense of pride. My checklist was sort of a way to maintain the status quo I could feel con dent I was doing the right thing and didn’t need to worry about doing the wrong things. But down deep, I knew I was capable of more. I am deeply grateful to have had so many wonderful people share their advice, support and concern with me. For the most part, I could feel and believe that the things they were pouring into my life were true and good and good for me. That’s not so say there weren’t some recommendations I followed without really seeing the value. I eventually earned my undergraduate degree, but I’m still not sure I really wanted to, or needed to, do that. But everything these wonderful people said and did to encourage me was valuable Looking back, I can see that they led me to invest in myself They created opportunities for me to develop as a person and a professional They inspired me to try something new without worrying if I was going to succeed for fail They reminded me I was free to pursue my thoughts, feelings, ideas, dreams and desires
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However,Istillmanagedto endureunhappyrelationships endinginbreakupsand divorces,30yearsofunful lling jobs,andandtryingto tinto organizationsthatdidn’tmatch mybeliefsormeetmyneeds. I didn’tspeakupatmeetingsto voicedissentingopinions.I didn’tlookforexcusesor explanationsaboutwhythings happened.Ididn’tseemyselfas awomanwhoneededtobattle theoddstosucceed.Ididn’t questionthepowersthatbe.I wasnotchampioningacauseor ghtingasystem. Ididn’tfeel likeanyofthesethingsweremy responsibilitytodo. Iwasjust llingarole. Eventually,Irealizedthatitems onmychecklistwerenot helpingmebemybestme;they werehelpingmebethemethat Ithoughtheworldoratleast thepeopleinmyworldwanted metobe. Iwasina competitionwiththeoutside world,insteadofbeingina competitionwithmyself.The focusshouldhavebeenonme beingthebestme.Forme.
IfIweretouseametaphorto describemyself,itwouldbe thatIamlikealeafblowingin thewind.Whenthewinddies downIlandandwaitalittle whileuntilthenextgustofwind blowsmetomynext destination.. Itrytoadaptand trytobecontentoratleast tolerantnomatterwhereI am. AslongasI’mtakingcare ofmyselfandmy familyIcan takemostthingsthatcomemy way. Ialwaystrytostaywithinthe linesasmuchaspossibleand livebymyprinciplesThat’snot tosayIwasnotin uencedby thosearoundme;Icertainly was.Iwasverytunedintothe messagesthatcamefrom friends,family,colleaguesand society.Ilistenedcloselyand carefully,tryingto ndthe nuggetsofgoldinwhatwas saidorshared. Sometimes, listeningtoomuchhad unintendede ects.Iwasso tunedintowhatsocietyhad determinedwasthe“thing”to dothatsometimesIforgotto considerwhatIthoughtwere therightthingsformetodo.It seemedlikeeveryonethatI admiredmost de nedsuccess asafamily,agoodjobanda senseofbelonging.So,Isetout insearchofthosethings.
Something's Missing
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Instead of looking for approval from others, I should have been looking for approval from myself. I was independent, self su cient and capable of solving problems on my own But I was not proud of myself for being those things
Building a Foundation
Ijustdidn’tknow how to do that. SFortunately, I am the kind of person who is constantly trying to improve myself. And I had enough negative experiences in my life that I had an opportunity to reach out to life coaches to help me navigate not so great relationships at home and at work. As a result, I am quite comfortable acknowledging the things I’m not good at And I’m quite comfortable working on them. This kind of approach is fundamental to anyone who wants to be independent Recognizing something was missing, I set o to solve the mystery. Step one: determine what you do well Step two: decide if you like those things. Step three: stop doing the things you don’t like. Step four: de ne the things you think you would like doing Step ve: start learning those things Step six: nish what you started. The winds of life have blown again, and my leaf has settled into a new space. Goodbye, checklist. Hello, plan.
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I had raised two wonderful young men and was very happy to see them move on to adulthood. As they started to need me less, I nally realized that something had been missing in my life For years, I had lived out my principles and made whatever sacri ces necessary to make sure they had everything they needed. Now that they were becoming adults, they didn’t need me as much anymore. For twenty years, I put them rst and my own growth and satisfaction second With them grown, there was nothing to keep me from focusing on me With them gone, it became painfully clear that I only had me to focus on and any other focus would be me just meddling.
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Today I put energy into developing me. I think about all the experiences I have had and all the experiences I want to have I embrace the frustration of not being perfect at something and I enjoy the mistakes. Mistakes are great teachers. And I persevere. I no longer have a sense that I need to get on with the business of living life. Rather, I am patient with myself as I live my life. There’s no next to rush on to. There’s no box to check I’m going to work at what I’m interested in until I become the best at it. Simply for the sake of being the best at it. For my own satisfaction. I’m going to be the best me I can be today. And tomorrow I’m going to be even better. And I’m going to enjoy the process I’m going to work at what I’m interested in... simply for the sake of being the best at it.
II keep myself in safe spaces especially where I can control the space I recognize when people are trying to mold me into what they need I recognize now that people who focus on me are too afraid to focus on themselves and I let them be who they are so that I can work on me. Today, I learn from everything I do because I’m intentional about it. I think critically about my own learning and I consider how I can use my learning today and in the future. In all that I do, I invest in myself. I have someone to keep me accountable because I really want this for myself If what I’m learning happens to be important to others, that’s great. But it’s important to me; and that’s all that matters. I no longer need a list to keep track of my accomplishments. I don’t want anyone to validate me. I want to have my own sense of pride, satisfaction and ful llment based on my own wants and needs which I am taking the time to identify. I am no longer concerned about check marks based on what was impressed on me I am also grateful for checking all of my items o because if I could do that for the things on my list that didn’t have value I can do that for the things that will have value.
It isnoteasytolearntobetonyourself,to followyourownlead,towalk con dentlyinthedirectionofyour dreams.Ittookmealongtimeto nd thecourageandconvictiontolive di erently.
AndI’mnotgoingtogivethatup.Not nextweek.Notnextyear.Notinthenext decade. Witheachpassingday,Iwilllearn somethingnewaboutmyself.Iwillpush pastmyownlimitstoreachnew heights. Iwilloutperformmyself.
Iwill swallowfearandfacenewchallenges. NowIunderstandthatit’snotabout gettingsomewhere.It’saboutgetting better.
DrtheChasingRighteam
Today,Istillwanttodotherightthing. ButI’mnolongerafraidofdoingthe wrongthing.Inolongeroperateinfear orworryaboutwhatwillhappenifI speakmymind,voiceopposition,throw myselfintomywork,orchampiona cause.Eachday,IdecideI’mgoingtodo what’scomfortableforme evenifit makesothersuncomfortable. IamproudofthedecisionIhavemade tomoveinthedirectionofformingthe bestme.Eachday,Iaddsomethingnew tomyfoundation.Andeachday,I identifyanareaforimprovement. Today,I’mchasingtherightdream whichisthedreamIhaveformyself
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Growth
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I’m investing in myself, I’m being intentional about building my toolbox, and I’m looking forward to the next mountain I’m going to climb. No longer will it be the wind that carries me
Over Gain Before, I made choices that prioritized gain over growth I focused on the short term, rather than the long term. Today, embrace the discomfort that growth creates. I seek it out and chose to be uncomfortable Because today I know that enduring discomfort in the short term will produce immeasurable gains in the long term gains that could never be captured on a checklist. .
